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Speaker 1: Welcome one and all to the Professional Homegirl Podcast. Before

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Speaker 1: we begin today's episode, we want to remind you that

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Speaker 1: the views and opinions expressed on this podcast are those

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Speaker 1: of the hosts and guests and are intended for educational

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Speaker 1: and entertaining purposes. In this safe space, no question is

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Speaker 1: off limits because you never know how someone's storyline can

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Speaker 1: be your lifeline. The Professional Homegirl Podcast is here to

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Speaker 1: celebrate the diverse voices, stories and experiences of women of color,

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Speaker 1: providing a platform for authentic and empowering conversations. There will

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Speaker 1: be some key king, some tears, but most importantly a

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Speaker 1: reminder that tough times don't last, but professional homegirls do

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Speaker 1: enjoy the show.

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Speaker 2: What's a Professional Homegirls? Ishigara m and A here and

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Speaker 2: I hope all is cute now. I actually can probably

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Speaker 2: tell from my voice. I've been a bit under the weather,

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Speaker 2: but I'm finally starting to feel much better. You know,

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Speaker 2: between the festival, the Black Effect Podcast Festival, and just

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Speaker 2: I had to do a quick trip to Chicago for

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Speaker 2: my best friend's graduation, It's been NonStop for me, y'all.

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Speaker 2: And shout out to the doctors of the Pharmacy School

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Speaker 2: at Chicago State and to my best friend doctor Aja

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Speaker 2: for becoming a whole doctor child. Okay, but as they say,

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Speaker 2: all good things must come to an end, and it

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Speaker 2: seems like all this traveling finally caught up with your girl.

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Speaker 2: So thankfully I was able to get some much needed

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Speaker 2: rest and I'm definitely feeling much more like myself despite

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Speaker 2: my voice. Now, we have a lot to Kiki about,

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Speaker 2: so let's start with some housekeeping. First off, it's been

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Speaker 2: bought on my attention that there's been some issues with

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Speaker 2: the latest Apple system update, particularly with the podcast app

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Speaker 2: that many of you use to tune into the show. Now,

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Speaker 2: if you have a robot phone, this is not for you, Okay,

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Speaker 2: it's only for iPhone users. Now, with that being said,

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Speaker 2: I want to share with you all a brief guy

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Speaker 2: on re enabling downloads for the show. So let me

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Speaker 2: know when you're ready. Okay, Okay, good. One, you're gonna

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Speaker 2: open up the Apple Podcast app. Two, you're gonna go

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Speaker 2: to the library and select the Professional Homegirl Podcast. Three,

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Speaker 2: you're gonna tap on the three dots that's gonna give

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Speaker 2: you more options next to the podcast title, which is

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Speaker 2: the Professional Homegirl Podcast. Four you're gonna select settings five

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Speaker 2: under settings toggle on automatic downloads and then just any

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Speaker 2: other settings for down load preferences. And why are you

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Speaker 2: at it? You're gonna go back to the show, scroll

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Speaker 2: to the bottom and leave a five star review. Okay,

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Speaker 2: hold me down, don't hold me up.

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Speaker 3: Now.

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Speaker 2: I'm also on the lookout for some professional homegirls to

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Speaker 2: join me and my Wrap your CIT campaign. I just

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Speaker 2: dropped this really cute shirt. I actually dropped it during

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Speaker 2: the Black Effect Podcast Festival and it did really well.

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Speaker 2: So if you are interested and you want to see

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Speaker 2: what the shirt look like, you can find a link

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Speaker 2: in the show notes below. And if you are interested

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Speaker 2: in getting involved and want more details, shoot me an

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Speaker 2: email at Hello at the psgpodcast dot com and don't

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Speaker 2: forget to put rep your CD campaign and a subject line. Also,

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Speaker 2: don't forget to send me your emails to be a

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Speaker 2: part of the ask Ebene segment. If you want to

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Speaker 2: show PHG some love, you can do so by either

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Speaker 2: sending me an email or dming me at the PHG

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Speaker 2: podcast on IG. I've been receiving a lot of love

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Speaker 2: letters from my professional homegirls on a daily basis, and

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Speaker 2: I can't tell you all how much it really means

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Speaker 2: to me. One particular PHG sent me this first and foremost.

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Speaker 2: I want to start by giving you your flowers. I

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Speaker 2: just discovered your podcast recently. It is a gods sin. Okay,

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Speaker 2: so many things that are labeled as taboo. You approach

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Speaker 2: with openness and without judgment. You know how to ask

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Speaker 2: the questions that mather while still giving the homegirl vibes.

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Speaker 2: Your podcast has bought so much value and insight into

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Speaker 2: my life as I have been going through your episodes.

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Speaker 2: I recently listened to episode one fifty five and one

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Speaker 2: fifty six about the Akashak Records reader. Now I'm gonna

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Speaker 2: pause there because she started sharing some personal details about

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Speaker 2: her relationship and pretty much she wanted to know if

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Speaker 2: I would share my Akashak Records reader information which with her,

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Speaker 2: which I did. So to this professional homegirl, follow up

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Speaker 2: with me and let me know how it went. Because

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Speaker 2: I haven't heard from you in.

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Speaker 3: A while, but.

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Speaker 2: I will say a lot of you have been hitting

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Speaker 2: me up about my psychic and sharing your success stories,

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Speaker 2: which makes me super happy because a win for one

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Speaker 2: is a win for all. Okay, So don't forget to

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Speaker 2: email me. Guys at Hello, at thepsgpodcast dot com. And last,

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Speaker 2: but not least, we are gearing up for our first

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Speaker 2: ever men's series for a men's Mental Health Awareness Month,

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Speaker 2: with the first episode dropping on June fourth. My first

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Speaker 2: conversation is with a pastor who shares the story of

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Speaker 2: being in an abusive relationship for almost fifteen years. Y'all,

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Speaker 2: I am super excited about this and I cannot wait

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Speaker 2: for you all to hear. So don't forget to subscribe

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Speaker 2: to the YouTube channel at the Professional Homegirl as full

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Speaker 2: videos are dropping every Friday. Now I think I cover everything,

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Speaker 2: So let's deep dive into this week's conversation because it

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Speaker 2: is a good one. Today, we have a special guest

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Speaker 2: who would share her story about the complex emotions and

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Speaker 2: regrets she has experienced as a mother. Join us for

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Speaker 2: an honest conversation about the joys and struggles of motherhood

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Speaker 2: as our guest offers a candid look into her journey

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Speaker 2: I regret having kids. Starts now. All right, to my guests,

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Speaker 2: thank you so much for being on a show. How

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Speaker 2: are you doing, how you feel.

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Speaker 3: I'm doing well? Thank you for having me so much.

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Speaker 2: Yes, yes, we've been key hearing y'all because the show.

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Speaker 2: We were supposed to have our conversation this past Thursday,

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Speaker 2: but Nicki Minaj had me outside drinking Hanny.

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Speaker 3: So that's all right.

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Speaker 4: Listen, we have to get out there and do what

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Speaker 4: we need to do sometimes.

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Speaker 3: Listen.

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Speaker 2: Okay, you thought I wrote them damn lyrics the way

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Speaker 2: I was a girl. I was going crazy in that stadium.

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Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am, as you should.

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Speaker 2: Now, why do you think there is often a strong reaction,

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Speaker 2: both positive and negative, when it comes to women openly

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Speaker 2: discussing their feelings about motherhood, including regret.

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Speaker 4: Oh, I feel like the strong reaction most of the

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Speaker 4: time comes from people who don't have the ability to

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Speaker 4: empathize with women as a whole. You know, it's it's

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Speaker 4: it's not just men who have a strong react, but

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Speaker 4: it's also other women who have a strong reaction. And

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Speaker 4: I think just people in general have an issue with

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Speaker 4: understanding differences of opinion amongst people.

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Speaker 3: And when you become you know, and when it.

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Speaker 4: Comes down to a situation regarding having children, not wanting

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Speaker 4: to have children, or regretting to have children, it's like

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Speaker 4: whatever a person's individual views are is going to determine

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Speaker 4: how they're gonna respond. So if they feel a difference

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Speaker 4: of opinion from you, and it's an idea that they've

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Speaker 4: never been introduced to, they're going to have some type

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Speaker 4: of pushback by it. And it's taboo because women are

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Speaker 4: just supposed to always want children and be happy to

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Speaker 4: have children, and that's not always the case.

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Speaker 2: Right, And that leads me to my next question, because

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Speaker 2: I feel like the media plays a part in that.

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Speaker 2: I feel like the media portrays women or womanhood as

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Speaker 2: you have to have a child, you gotta be at home,

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Speaker 2: you gotta do this, you gotta do that. In a

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Speaker 2: moment you want something else, you looked at it in

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Speaker 2: a certain way.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it becomes a problem when you don't want the

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Speaker 4: status quo. The media definitely plays a strong role because

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Speaker 4: if you think back on what the media is, it's

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Speaker 4: always been propaganda.

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Speaker 3: It's always been something.

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Speaker 4: That is used as a tool to push people into

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Speaker 4: a certain frame of mind. So when people have different

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Speaker 4: opinions about motherhood because of experience, it kind of negates

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Speaker 4: what's being told to you in the media. So it causes,

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Speaker 4: you know, a confliction in your mind about what's actually

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Speaker 4: right and what you should or should not do.

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Speaker 2: So what are your thoughts on the differences in the

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Speaker 2: way society responds to men versus women who express regrets

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Speaker 2: about parenthood because there's a lot of dead beat niggas

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Speaker 2: out there.

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Speaker 3: Man, girl, let me tell you.

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Speaker 4: I mean, I feel like I feel like men in

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Speaker 4: general are looked at as at a higher echelon or

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Speaker 4: more superior anyway because of I don't want to like

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Speaker 4: harp on patriarchy, but it is a fact that it exists,

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Speaker 4: h and it plays a role in like how women

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Speaker 4: are viewed when they have autonomy, when they want to

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Speaker 4: have their autonomy, and when men either are it's the

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Speaker 4: same thing if they're single dads. Single dads are looked

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Speaker 4: at totally different than single moms, and you know, when

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Speaker 4: they don't want to have children or when they want

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Speaker 4: to be single and live their life however they choose

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Speaker 4: to live it, it's more like, yeah, go go, man.

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Speaker 3: Do what you gotta do, you know, be able to do.

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Speaker 4: But then when a woman does it, it's kind of

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Speaker 4: looked at and frowned upon as Okay, well, why aren't

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Speaker 4: you falling in line?

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Speaker 3: And I just think it's because.

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Speaker 4: I don't know, I just feel like there's not enough

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Speaker 4: clear like communication and back and forth when it comes

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Speaker 4: to like positive discord about like women being able to

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Speaker 4: have different perspectives and with women being able to have

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Speaker 4: different opinions and it actually being accepted to where you know,

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Speaker 4: it's okay, right, you know, we're just now starting to

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Speaker 4: have those types of discord. So it's like it's kind

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Speaker 4: of like whoa, you know, what are you talking about?

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Speaker 3: But you know, calm down, who are you right?

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Speaker 4: But I feel like it's a progressive advancement that we're

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Speaker 4: all having, you know, from not only our mothers and

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Speaker 4: our grandmothers, but even further back where's there's gonna be

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Speaker 4: evolution and now it's just a matter of how people

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Speaker 4: are going to allow their minds to be opened up

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Speaker 4: to see it.

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Speaker 2: So how do you feel about women who don't have

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Speaker 2: custody of their kids? And these I'm talking about the

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Speaker 2: women who are fully she's making a face, y'all. I'm

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Speaker 2: talking about the women that are fully able to take

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Speaker 2: care of their kids, they just don't want to. How

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Speaker 2: do you feel about What are your thoughts on that?

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Speaker 4: You know, I actually I actually agree with that, to

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Speaker 4: be honest with you, I did make a short a

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Speaker 4: while back as well, I think on TikTok and on

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Speaker 4: my YouTube channel where I talked about that, like why

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Speaker 4: is it such a stigma for you to give the

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Speaker 4: father custody of the and I, honestly my opinion on it,

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Speaker 4: I don't have a problem with it. If my ex

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Speaker 4: husband and my youngest son's father were more competent and

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Speaker 4: they were more able to you, I wouldn't necessarily give

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Speaker 4: them up. But if they were in a competent place financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually,

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Speaker 4: I would have no problem. If they chose or desired

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Speaker 4: to take more of a lead role, I would have

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Speaker 4: no problem doing that because I feel like there's a

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Speaker 4: certain there's a certain developmental need for a mother, and

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Speaker 4: then there's a certain developmental need for a father, and

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Speaker 4: it's it should be balanced, in my opinion. But a

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Speaker 4: lot of times, even with girls, like people think that

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Speaker 4: just because you have a boy, they.

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Speaker 3: Need their dad more.

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Speaker 4: No, they need their mother too, because they need that

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Speaker 4: foundational maternal imprint. But also when it comes to girls

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Speaker 4: needing fathers, they need that imprint as well because it

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Speaker 4: governs the decisions that they maken relationships in the future.

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Speaker 4: It governs decisions that they make when it comes to

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Speaker 4: basically how they carry themselves, who they are, and their

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Speaker 4: self esteem. So I don't see any problem with women

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Speaker 4: giving full custody to the fathers if it's not something selfish, Like,

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Speaker 4: I don't see any problem with either parent making certain

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Speaker 4: decisions if they're doing it from a place that's centering

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Speaker 4: the child's best interests, you know.

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Speaker 2: Right, because hell, you thought about this one.

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Speaker 4: No, it's because I have because it's something that I

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Speaker 4: feel like there's so many stigmas that people have on

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Speaker 4: relationships and family dynamics, and I feel like those stigmas

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Speaker 4: have created a lot of dysfunction in our society. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: and just because it's been done that way, it's like, yes,

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Speaker 4: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But at the

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Speaker 4: same time, if it's been done that way so many

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Speaker 4: times for so many years and it's not working, it's

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Speaker 4: okay to create a new you know, idea or a

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Speaker 4: new philosophy or something that you can try.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. So, what are some common misconceptions about motherhood that

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Speaker 2: you would like to address?

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Speaker 4: Ooh, common misconception number one is that every woman wants

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Speaker 4: to be a mother.

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Speaker 3: That's not true. Yeah, and.

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Speaker 4: It's because like you know, for me, you sometimes you

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Speaker 4: think you want to be a mother and then you

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Speaker 4: find out you don't. Sometimes you know ahead of time

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Speaker 4: that you don't. Sometimes you know you don't and then

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Speaker 4: you have a child and then you change and find

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Speaker 4: out that you actually enjoy it. So the common misconception

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Speaker 4: is like the way women for me are looked at

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Speaker 4: as if they're all going to be one way. That's

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Speaker 4: the biggest issue I have because we're all different, we're

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Speaker 4: all individuals, and I just feel like some of the

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Speaker 4: other things are basically like it's all going to be happy.

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Speaker 4: Like when you see the vlogs and you see the

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Speaker 4: moms who are out there doing those you know, routines

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Speaker 4: with their kids and things like that, it portrays a

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Speaker 4: false reality of the situation, right like it portrays. I

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Speaker 4: came up during like the teen Mom era, like I

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Speaker 4: was watching Team Mom, which may have been part of

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Speaker 4: the issue, but you know, like you it's like there's

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Speaker 4: certain me watching Team Mom and seeing those women go

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Speaker 4: through that and then ended up being a Team Mom.

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Speaker 4: When I went into motherhood and I had my son,

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Speaker 4: I had a belief that all of the things that

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Speaker 4: were happening weren't necessarily going to be positive all the time,

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Speaker 4: but that I would enjoy it because that's my child.

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Speaker 4: Sometimes you don't, like sometimes you get upset about things

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Speaker 4: and there's no solution to things, and sometimes there's not

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Speaker 4: a lot of support, Like people say it takes a

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Speaker 4: village to raise a child. And then you'll be pregnant

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Speaker 4: and people will be saying that they're going to be

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Speaker 4: there and then they disappear. So it's like especially and

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Speaker 4: it'll be your partner, it'll be your parents, it'll be

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Speaker 4: your siblings, it'll be your friends that you came up with,

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Speaker 4: Like people who came to my first son's baby shower

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Speaker 4: talking all this smack about how they're going to be

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Speaker 4: there support me, and they were not there. And it's like,

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Speaker 4: not even to watch my kids or put my kids

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Speaker 4: off on them, but just to talk to people are

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Speaker 4: not I think people are not very much like well

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Speaker 4: versed on what it takes during the process, what your

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Speaker 4: body goes through during the process, how your emotions fluctuate

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Speaker 4: during the process. I definitely don't think that there's enough

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Speaker 4: education on postpartum depression.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I mean, look how they treat us in

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Speaker 2: the hospitals or just in the medical field. Like right,

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Speaker 2: I'm paraphrasing, but there was a situation where I think

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Speaker 2: either Beyonce or Serena Williams was saying how they were

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Speaker 2: in pain, and you know, these are people who have

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Speaker 2: the resources and they still not being believed. So I

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Speaker 2: can just only imagine what it's like for those mothers

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Speaker 2: who don't have the resources.

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Speaker 3: And it's they don't listen to you in the hospital, their.

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Speaker 2: Birth mortality rate is crazy.

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Speaker 4: They really it's really a long history of women and

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Speaker 4: what this all boils down to, in my opinion, is

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Speaker 4: the long history of women being manipulated into certain positions

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Speaker 4: for the benefit of men. And it's not because I

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Speaker 4: don't think it's necessarily like something that I'm holding a

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Speaker 4: grudge about or angry about, but it's something that we

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Speaker 4: all need to having our reality to change, because that's

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Speaker 4: you know, that's what it is like. When I was

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Speaker 4: in the hospital with my first son, it was people

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Speaker 4: not listening to me from the jump when he was

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Speaker 4: kicking the monitor off my stomach and I was, you know,

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Speaker 4: four centimeters dilated. The lady kept telling me to sit

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Speaker 4: down and stop my dilation. I ended up having to

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Speaker 4: have a c section and get cut open. I still

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Speaker 4: have a gripe about that. You know, after I had him,

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Speaker 4: my blood was coming back up through my IV and

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Speaker 4: I had basically a fever and I was freezing in

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Speaker 4: the hospital and nobody was doing anything about it. And

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Speaker 4: I was telling her, like, why is the blood coming

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Speaker 4: back up in my IV? It's not supposed to be

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Speaker 4: doing that, right, Like, even if it is okay for

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Speaker 4: to happen, something is wrong. Like nobody paid attention. I

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Speaker 4: mean they did to a certain degree, but they're trying

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Speaker 4: to get their job done.

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Speaker 2: Well, nobody found you with care.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And it's like a lot of times girls, young

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Speaker 4: girls especially, they'll be in love. They'll think that everything

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Speaker 4: is going to be cool with their partner, like because

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Speaker 4: everything was cool when they were just a couple. But

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Speaker 4: you know, when it comes down to it, once you

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Speaker 4: go through all of those things and once you have

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Speaker 4: all those experiences, if you don't have a partner who's

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Speaker 4: emotionally mature and who's supportive and communicates properly, like, you

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Speaker 4: could run into issues where you can't even speak for yourself.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you know that's my I think that's the

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Speaker 2: biggest thing I've been reading when I was doing research

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Speaker 2: on this and I was going through your comments and stuff,

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Speaker 2: and my car really broke for a lot of women,

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Speaker 2: and I think that's one of my biggest fears, like

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Speaker 2: because I don't have children, and I do want to

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Speaker 2: have children, but I kill a nigga if a nigga

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Speaker 2: if he got me believing that we're about to have

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Speaker 2: a fairy tale and then he just up and leaves,

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Speaker 2: like so.

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Speaker 3: Fucking crazy, it happened.

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Speaker 4: It happens all the time, Like there have been several

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Speaker 4: mothers like my ex husband, we were married before I

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Speaker 4: had my child, but there were other issues in that situation.

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Speaker 4: I have created you know, content about this too, but

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Speaker 4: like there was, there's sometimes where you have partners who

345
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Speaker 4: just leave. There's sometimes where you have partners who are

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Speaker 4: manipulative and who play.

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Speaker 3: With their head.

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Speaker 4: But like especially when they leave because with my youngest son,

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Speaker 4: he has a different father and we were we were okay,

350
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Speaker 4: but he was not there, Like he was there physically,

351
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Speaker 4: but he was not there mentally. He was not there

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Speaker 4: to support me in all of the facets that I

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Speaker 4: needed to be supported in that moment when I had

354
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Speaker 4: my child, with him when I had my youngest son,

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Speaker 4: and then basically like it was all on me, Like

356
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Speaker 4: I had to foot.

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Speaker 3: Majority of the bills. And it's like when I talk to.

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Speaker 4: You about it, and when I tell you like I

359
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Speaker 4: don't want us to break up, like I want this

360
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Speaker 4: to work. I just need you to put in more

361
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Speaker 4: effort and do more, it's like, Oh, you asking for

362
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,919
Speaker 4: too much? Like what the fuck? You know what I'm saying, Like,

363
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Speaker 4: what do you mean I'm asking for too much? I

364
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,040
Speaker 4: just had a baby and I done got out here

365
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Speaker 4: back in the work force. I was pregnant at work

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Speaker 4: and work in my whole pregnancy.

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Speaker 3: I'm tired.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I know you. I know you have three kids.

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Speaker 2: So the first two is when you were younger, you

370
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Speaker 2: was a teen mom, and then the last one was

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Speaker 2: with your ex husband.

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Speaker 4: No, my my first two was when I was a

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Speaker 4: team mom, but I was married.

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Speaker 3: That was with my husband.

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Speaker 4: My first two, Okay, and we were married like right

376
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Speaker 4: out of high school, and I had one. I had

377
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Speaker 4: my first son, which was unexpected, but we got married

378
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Speaker 4: when I found out I was pregnant because I was

379
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Speaker 4: in a relationship with him and we did have we

380
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,600
Speaker 4: had a good relationship. I will never say that I

381
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:59,440
Speaker 4: did not love my husband. Right, It's just as dynamics

382
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,879
Speaker 4: changed as soon as I had my first baby, I

383
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:05,159
Speaker 4: got pregnant again, had the second baby, and it's just

384
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Speaker 4: like dynamics just kept shifting in a really negative way.

385
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Speaker 4: And I think for me, I didn't do a lot

386
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Speaker 4: of research into him and his family, and like, I

387
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:21,520
Speaker 4: did know them, but I didn't know them.

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Speaker 3: You know what I mean?

389
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Speaker 2: Part in this cause y'all were very young.

390
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Speaker 4: Yeah, we were super young. I was eighteen when I

391
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,960
Speaker 4: had my first son. We got married when I turned eighteen.

392
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Speaker 4: Age plays a role. I feel like also your upbringing

393
00:20:34,119 --> 00:20:35,880
Speaker 4: plays role. A lot of the reason why I ended

394
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Speaker 4: up being with him was because I lost my mom

395
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Speaker 4: when I was thirteen.

396
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Speaker 2: Wow, you know that was my next question? What is

397
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Speaker 2: your perception the motherhood when you was growing up?

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Speaker 3: See? And that's the thing. My mom was a single mom.

399
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Speaker 4: I come from a family of really educated people like

400
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:53,920
Speaker 4: I come from a family of teachers. When my mom

401
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,120
Speaker 4: passed away, my uncle adopted me. That's why I moved

402
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Speaker 4: down here to Georgia. And where are you from?

403
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Speaker 3: From Chicago? So?

404
00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:04,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, so I watched my mom in Chicago and she

405
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,280
Speaker 4: was doing it. Like everything that needed to be done,

406
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,960
Speaker 4: she would want it. And my perception of her growing

407
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:14,040
Speaker 4: up was like I love my mom, Like my mom

408
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,359
Speaker 4: is great, Like my mom was literally my rock for everything,

409
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,399
Speaker 4: and she never dropped the ball, Like even when she

410
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:23,000
Speaker 4: did drop the ball, she really didn't drop the ball

411
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Speaker 4: because she would always overextend.

412
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Speaker 3: She would always like be perfectionist in a way.

413
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Speaker 4: And I think the dynamics that I saw growing up

414
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:35,439
Speaker 4: was between my mom and my grandmother, which created a

415
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,080
Speaker 4: lot of like confusion sometimes because I had such a

416
00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:40,439
Speaker 4: good relationship with my mom, but they had such a

417
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Speaker 4: bad relationship, like they would button heads all the time.

418
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Speaker 2: Did you ever find out why?

419
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Speaker 4: You know, both my mom and my grandmother had passed away.

420
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,040
Speaker 4: But from what I can tell in my family, like

421
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,199
Speaker 4: what my uncle says, it's like my mom was very

422
00:21:56,280 --> 00:22:02,639
Speaker 4: much so what's the word. She was very independent, I

423
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:06,159
Speaker 4: would say, but not basically the status quo, like she

424
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,840
Speaker 4: would not fall into line. My family is super strict,

425
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,159
Speaker 4: like they're like, Okay, you have to do life this way.

426
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Speaker 3: You gotta do it this way.

427
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,399
Speaker 4: You gotta go to school, you gotta get good grades,

428
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,240
Speaker 4: then you gotta go to college. Then you gotta do this,

429
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,560
Speaker 4: then you got to do that.

430
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Speaker 3: Yes, it's like that, but.

431
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Speaker 4: They did that because my aunt ended up was a

432
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Speaker 4: tea mom too.

433
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Speaker 3: My aunt actually was a team mom.

434
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Speaker 4: And there's a lot of like sometimes there's a lot

435
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,840
Speaker 4: of secrets in families that they don't tell you, but

436
00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:40,960
Speaker 4: that's why they kind of, you know, shelter you or

437
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,760
Speaker 4: treat you in the way that they do.

438
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:43,639
Speaker 2: Yeah.

439
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,440
Speaker 4: So when when I was coming up, it's like everybody

440
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,359
Speaker 4: had basically like planned my life out for me because

441
00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:53,840
Speaker 4: I was the youngest grandchild. So my mom was the

442
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,119
Speaker 4: last one to have a baby, and I was the

443
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,040
Speaker 4: last grandchild of my grandmother and it's like they're like, oh, yeah,

444
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,080
Speaker 4: do this, you know, we got this plan for her.

445
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:05,480
Speaker 4: And it's like in my mom's mind, she was like, yes,

446
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,240
Speaker 4: that's great to be supportive, but she wanted me to

447
00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:10,879
Speaker 4: kind of like follow my own path because she was

448
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,840
Speaker 4: the type of person who wanted to follow her own

449
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:18,240
Speaker 4: path and that didn't necessarily agree with what other people

450
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,240
Speaker 4: wanted her to do, especially my grandmother.

451
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:22,720
Speaker 2: So did you ever want kid?

452
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:25,520
Speaker 3: I did? Like I still.

453
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,399
Speaker 4: Let me tell you the reason why I said I

454
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:34,320
Speaker 4: regret having kids is because I regret in hindsight, not

455
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:36,199
Speaker 4: paying attention to a lot of the things that I

456
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,280
Speaker 4: know now. But sometimes you can't help it because you

457
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,399
Speaker 4: got to go through it to know it. But the

458
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 4: real reason why I regret having kids is because of

459
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,680
Speaker 4: the life and the childhood that they were kind of

460
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:51,720
Speaker 4: like forced to have because of my lack of preparation.

461
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:56,080
Speaker 4: Like I regret not being fully prepared and not really

462
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,040
Speaker 4: understanding why I was doing it at such a young age.

463
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,359
Speaker 4: I wanted to family from the time I was young,

464
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,679
Speaker 4: Like I used to dream about my house and like

465
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:07,000
Speaker 4: the way my yard would look when I was a kid,

466
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:11,359
Speaker 4: like and I still have a desire to be in

467
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,399
Speaker 4: a committed relationship with somebody, or at least have a functioning,

468
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:20,680
Speaker 4: healthy relationship with somebody, and you know, either merge families

469
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,119
Speaker 4: or build a family, or adopt a child. Like if

470
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,159
Speaker 4: it becomes a time where I get too old to

471
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,439
Speaker 4: have my own children, I don't mind adopting children or

472
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,920
Speaker 4: like being that nurturer, because I have always wanted that.

473
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:42,800
Speaker 2: Where do you think that come from or do you

474
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:44,679
Speaker 2: think cause I know your mom passed away when you

475
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,600
Speaker 2: was thirteen, so do you think that came from her?

476
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,560
Speaker 2: Or do you think, like where there are other women

477
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,640
Speaker 2: in your life that you were looking at like, Okay,

478
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,439
Speaker 2: I can see myself doing this, or they was like

479
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:56,360
Speaker 2: the model of what you thought motherhood and just being

480
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:57,000
Speaker 2: a woman was.

481
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,119
Speaker 4: There were like when I grew up in Chicago, I

482
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,400
Speaker 4: was in a lot of different programs, Like I grew

483
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,320
Speaker 4: up around a lot of different races and ethnicities, and

484
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:11,320
Speaker 4: I would spend time in other people's households. So even

485
00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:14,080
Speaker 4: though I didn't necessary even with my mom, like the

486
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:16,520
Speaker 4: way that she nurtured me, the way that she checked

487
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,679
Speaker 4: on me and talk to me. She never talked to

488
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,480
Speaker 4: me like I was dumb. She never talked to me

489
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,080
Speaker 4: like I didn't know what was going on. She was

490
00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:25,720
Speaker 4: always a type of woman to educate me in a

491
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,760
Speaker 4: way where I would be prepared for this time in

492
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,760
Speaker 4: my life right. And then I would go out to

493
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,720
Speaker 4: these other households, either through like the YMCA, I was

494
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:36,000
Speaker 4: in Chicago Children's Choir, I was in leaders Club, like

495
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,840
Speaker 4: I had a lot of things that I was in

496
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:40,800
Speaker 4: and I would see like different families that would actually

497
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:43,800
Speaker 4: be like two parent households, or I would see families

498
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,600
Speaker 4: where it may be a single mom. There was even

499
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,760
Speaker 4: a family where it was a single dad, and I

500
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:52,280
Speaker 4: had friends that had stay at home dads and working moms,

501
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,320
Speaker 4: you know, and it was a lot of different dynamics

502
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:57,239
Speaker 4: that I grew up seeing, so I could kind of

503
00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:01,560
Speaker 4: pick like little pieces of those dynamics and be like, Wow,

504
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,640
Speaker 4: I really like that, and I think that's what ends

505
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,200
Speaker 4: up happening. Hmm.

506
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 2: I'm just curious. So do you believe in an abortion?

507
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,879
Speaker 4: I don't believe in using abortion as a means of

508
00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:14,600
Speaker 4: birth control because that's trash.

509
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,479
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's trash.

510
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,280
Speaker 4: And I really don't like the fact that women have

511
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,679
Speaker 4: taken it there because I don't agree with women's bodies

512
00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:26,440
Speaker 4: being controlled at all. I don't agree with that because

513
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:32,400
Speaker 4: nobody's controlling men's bodies, so right, they can have big

514
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,840
Speaker 4: babies and repopulate whenever the hell they won't. So I

515
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 4: don't understand why you're trying to.

516
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:39,119
Speaker 3: Listen.

517
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:40,960
Speaker 4: And that's what I'm and that's what I was saying

518
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,320
Speaker 4: when I say that it's like the control of feminine

519
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:46,240
Speaker 4: energy or the control of women because of power and

520
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:50,040
Speaker 4: those types of dynamics. But for me, I just feel

521
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,639
Speaker 4: like women should have the choice. I do feel like

522
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:54,920
Speaker 4: what women need to understand with everything that was going

523
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:57,400
Speaker 4: on with Rowe versus Way getting overturned, It's like, Okay,

524
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:58,760
Speaker 4: if you're going to use it as a means of

525
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:02,919
Speaker 4: birth control, then you're you're like inviting.

526
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:03,040
Speaker 3: The devil in.

527
00:27:03,119 --> 00:27:04,840
Speaker 4: You get what I'm saying, Like, if you're going to

528
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:07,720
Speaker 4: be irresponsible with your choices, you're inviting the devil in

529
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 4: to be able to say, oh, look at you, this

530
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,679
Speaker 4: is why, this is why we're taking away your autonomy.

531
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,480
Speaker 3: So don't agree with it on that aspect.

532
00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,480
Speaker 4: But I feel like there are women who get violated,

533
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:20,679
Speaker 4: There are women who get raped, There are women who

534
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 4: are you know, molested and sexually assaulted, and they should

535
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:26,879
Speaker 4: have the right to say no, I don't want to

536
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:27,800
Speaker 4: have this baby.

537
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:30,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, because a lot of people who live in marginalized

538
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:36,040
Speaker 2: communities can afford certain resources to get things done. So

539
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:40,800
Speaker 2: like certain communities or organizations that offer you know, services

540
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,920
Speaker 2: that are affordable, they don't even have that option no more.

541
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,040
Speaker 2: And I think that's fucked up.

542
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,919
Speaker 4: I do I agree with you completely, It's it's totally

543
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:54,040
Speaker 4: fucked up because it's like it's like you give an

544
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:56,960
Speaker 4: inch and somebody takes some mif you know what I mean. Like,

545
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,840
Speaker 4: you know, it's I would say, it's one thing, like

546
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,000
Speaker 4: maybe I would have said, okay, before you take away

547
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,800
Speaker 4: the right as a whole, or you give these states

548
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:10,400
Speaker 4: that are crooked the right to decide at least create

549
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:14,280
Speaker 4: some type of laws or legislature where you know, men

550
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:16,399
Speaker 4: can have more rights in the situation, like maybe we

551
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,200
Speaker 4: can go to court, we can prove our financial capabilities,

552
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,880
Speaker 4: we can do this to mediate the situation. And then

553
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,720
Speaker 4: if it comes to be that this nigga is a

554
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,400
Speaker 4: dead beat and he ain't gonna do shit for his child,

555
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 4: then yeah, you have the right to go as a

556
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,880
Speaker 4: woman and get an abortion. But if a man comes

557
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:32,880
Speaker 4: in and says, you know, maybe I want full custody

558
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,080
Speaker 4: of the child if she doesn't want the child, you know,

559
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:37,520
Speaker 4: and people can weigh in on that type of thing,

560
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:39,360
Speaker 4: but you went straight to cutting it off.

561
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:43,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, And it's like wow, okay, yeah, you.

562
00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:47,520
Speaker 2: Don't have never thought that in this lifetime that the

563
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 2: fact that in a lot of states you do not

564
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:54,320
Speaker 2: have control over your body is crazy to me, Like, girl,

565
00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:57,360
Speaker 2: it's heartbreaking. My heart goes out to every woman who's

566
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:01,800
Speaker 2: in a situation like that because that's scary, and I would.

567
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:06,160
Speaker 4: Say honestly, like I really wish that, you know, for

568
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:08,600
Speaker 4: for the work that I do and for the platform

569
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,040
Speaker 4: that I have, Like I really would like for it

570
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 4: to be a place where girls and even women can

571
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:21,360
Speaker 4: come and just gain whatever wisdom. Because it's like that's

572
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,600
Speaker 4: another thing that you haven't brought it up yet. But

573
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:25,800
Speaker 4: when we were talking about like mothers and my example

574
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:29,719
Speaker 4: of like mothers and the you know, feminine energy, a

575
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 4: lot of us have been stigmatized as women who are

576
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:37,320
Speaker 4: older not to really help the younger generation coming up.

577
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:42,400
Speaker 4: There's a lot of bullshit to me with women being like, oh,

578
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:43,400
Speaker 4: you're gonna find out.

579
00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:48,240
Speaker 3: You go figure it out like they do.

580
00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:50,680
Speaker 4: And it's like a lot of women do want younger

581
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,640
Speaker 4: girls to succeed. But it's like I feel like, as women,

582
00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:55,800
Speaker 4: we should be doing as much as we can to

583
00:29:56,000 --> 00:30:00,360
Speaker 4: just mentor these younger girls and try to like show them.

584
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:02,920
Speaker 3: That like, hey, this is what you're gonna get.

585
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:05,720
Speaker 4: And I know, as a younger person you might not listen,

586
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:08,160
Speaker 4: but I'm just trying to hit you to some game

587
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:09,040
Speaker 4: and let you know.

588
00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:11,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, But that was the whole reason why I started

589
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,120
Speaker 2: the Professional Homegirl because I'm just like one of my

590
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,920
Speaker 2: favorite lyrics from jay Z is hope did that so

591
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 2: you don't have to go through that, because I just

592
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:20,520
Speaker 2: feel like a lot of the shit that I went through,

593
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:22,800
Speaker 2: if somebody want to put me onto game, a lot

594
00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:24,800
Speaker 2: of shit could have been avoided. And I just feel

595
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:26,760
Speaker 2: like niggas is not just keeping it real with each other,

596
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:29,240
Speaker 2: especially you know when it comes to older world, just

597
00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:33,560
Speaker 2: older people in general. So I always said that PHG

598
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:36,280
Speaker 2: is like the pink print to like life, like you

599
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:38,440
Speaker 2: you have to get bread crumbs here and there because

600
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:41,920
Speaker 2: you are hearing factual stories on how women were able

601
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:45,440
Speaker 2: to overcome and succeed and because life is not easy

602
00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:47,520
Speaker 2: no matter what path you're on, You're gonna go through

603
00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:50,080
Speaker 2: some hurdles. You might even get hit by a bus

604
00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:53,640
Speaker 2: on the way, like right, but you're gonna make it.

605
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:56,080
Speaker 2: And I think that that's why we need to have

606
00:30:56,160 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 2: these conversations and continue to have these conversations because it's

607
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:01,600
Speaker 2: needed and it's important.

608
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,760
Speaker 4: I agree, and I really respect what you're doing with

609
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:09,560
Speaker 4: the podcast. Like all of the stories are just like

610
00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:13,520
Speaker 4: things that I'm like, yes, come on, like because we

611
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:14,400
Speaker 4: need to talk about it.

612
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:15,160
Speaker 3: And like for me.

613
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 4: Saying that I regret having kids, and you said, you

614
00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:24,280
Speaker 4: read the comments, it's like so many women and that's

615
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:27,080
Speaker 4: why I said that. So many women came, of course,

616
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:29,360
Speaker 4: and you know, there are haters here and there, but

617
00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:33,000
Speaker 4: it's like so many women negate other women's stories, and

618
00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:37,760
Speaker 4: it's like, if we can just understand the relatability between

619
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:41,080
Speaker 4: each of our stories, even if the details are different, right,

620
00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:44,520
Speaker 4: you know, we can understand that, you know, we have

621
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:48,040
Speaker 4: to you know, those walls and get over those hurdles

622
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,680
Speaker 4: and face those challenges, then we would be a lot

623
00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:55,400
Speaker 4: more productive when it comes to defending ourselves against those

624
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:59,520
Speaker 4: things like them overturning abortion rights and you know, having

625
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:03,239
Speaker 4: men feel as if they can use us as a

626
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:04,640
Speaker 4: portal to like control.

627
00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:05,680
Speaker 2: Yeah.

628
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:09,160
Speaker 3: So I don't know, I just I wish that it

629
00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:09,920
Speaker 3: was more.

630
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:17,640
Speaker 4: Acceptable and like common for women to not necessarily agree

631
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:19,320
Speaker 4: with each other's choices all the time.

632
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:23,560
Speaker 3: But d yes, oh my god.

633
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:27,040
Speaker 4: Like just understand, girl, because you know you've been there somewhere,

634
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:27,920
Speaker 4: and we don't have.

635
00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:32,720
Speaker 2: To always agree, but let's agree to disagree, Like, yeah,

636
00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:34,479
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying. I think that's the biggest

637
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:36,000
Speaker 2: issue because at the end of the day, we have

638
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:38,160
Speaker 2: a lot more in common than we do when it

639
00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:39,160
Speaker 2: comes to differences.

640
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:41,280
Speaker 4: So I'm telling you, and we got a lot more

641
00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:43,840
Speaker 4: people coming against us than the ones that we have

642
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:44,360
Speaker 4: for us.

643
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:45,720
Speaker 3: So we need to be for each other.

644
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,120
Speaker 4: And it's not always easy because there's a lot of

645
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:50,520
Speaker 4: things that women do that I don't necessarily agree with

646
00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:53,280
Speaker 4: one hundred percent. But what I've learned in my life

647
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:59,080
Speaker 4: through specifically having my children, is that every day it's

648
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:02,720
Speaker 4: like a it's like we in school. Okay, we in school.

649
00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:05,080
Speaker 4: Every day we're gonna learn different things. And you might

650
00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:07,719
Speaker 4: have a certain opinion today that you're not gonna have

651
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 4: at the end of the night. You know, like you

652
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:13,120
Speaker 4: might change your mind once the day is over, depending

653
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:16,440
Speaker 4: on the occurrences that you've experienced throughout that day. So

654
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:19,840
Speaker 4: I know that there's a room for growth and there's

655
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:22,960
Speaker 4: gonna be a learning curve. So it's just like understanding

656
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 4: that would make things so much more seamless for us.

657
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:28,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, to be able to stick together.

658
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:31,400
Speaker 2: So what were the factors that led you to realize

659
00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:33,600
Speaker 2: that you had children with the wrong men?

660
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:39,120
Speaker 4: Ooh, the amount of pressure that I felt like I

661
00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:43,719
Speaker 4: was under. It was kind of like, I have children

662
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:47,920
Speaker 4: with you, but I'm also your mama. I have children

663
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:50,240
Speaker 4: with you, but I have to fill out a job

664
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:53,880
Speaker 4: application for you. I have children with you, but you

665
00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:55,480
Speaker 4: don't know how to call and pay a bill. You

666
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:57,760
Speaker 4: can't schedule a doctor's appointment. I got to do all

667
00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:01,080
Speaker 4: that shit by myself, right, I got a kid with you,

668
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,120
Speaker 4: But when we have to find a place to stay,

669
00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:06,440
Speaker 4: I'm the only one coming up with a plan, you

670
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:08,319
Speaker 4: know what I mean. Like, I realized that I had

671
00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:12,400
Speaker 4: children with the wrong person because it was all on

672
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:18,440
Speaker 4: me and I was exhausted all the time. And you know,

673
00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:22,600
Speaker 4: it's like, it's crazy because I was begging niggas I

674
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:26,799
Speaker 4: was begg There's discrepancies. And I'm not saying I'm not

675
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,880
Speaker 4: you know, I'm not saying I'm faultless in the situation.

676
00:34:30,040 --> 00:34:31,799
Speaker 4: I have my faults and I have my things that

677
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:36,200
Speaker 4: I had to grow up on. But at the same time,

678
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:39,200
Speaker 4: I feel like I came into situation way more mature,

679
00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:43,719
Speaker 4: and I think that there's factors to that. But I

680
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:47,600
Speaker 4: came into the situation way more mature than these dudes,

681
00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:53,520
Speaker 4: and instead of rising to the occasion, it was more like,

682
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,839
Speaker 4: what the fuck you want me to do? And so

683
00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:00,640
Speaker 4: I was like, oh, that's how it is, you know

684
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:04,880
Speaker 4: what I mean. Okay, mm hmm, that's fine. And you know,

685
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,759
Speaker 4: as a woman, we're already thinking ten steps ahead, Like

686
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:11,440
Speaker 4: once we decide to finally leave a situation, we've already decided,

687
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:13,640
Speaker 4: you know, a long time ago that we were gonna

688
00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:15,279
Speaker 4: leave and we were just getting things in order.

689
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I wonder how the experiences you have with

690
00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:21,120
Speaker 2: the wrong partners, How did this make you look at yourself?

691
00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:26,120
Speaker 3: Ooh, it made me really have to face my demons.

692
00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:30,160
Speaker 4: Yeah, it made me really have to face like why

693
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:33,560
Speaker 4: did you do that to yourself? Why did you make

694
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:37,480
Speaker 4: that choice? Like what is wrong with you that you

695
00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:45,600
Speaker 4: felt like that level of degrading or that level of

696
00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:50,319
Speaker 4: degeneracy was where you needed to be, Like, what the

697
00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:51,000
Speaker 4: fuck is going on?

698
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:51,399
Speaker 3: For real?

699
00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:54,880
Speaker 4: We need to get into it right. And that's what

700
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:56,560
Speaker 4: I had to do. It's like, why did you make that?

701
00:35:56,640 --> 00:35:59,920
Speaker 4: It made me have to face my emotions about my mom.

702
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:03,480
Speaker 4: I'm passing, and like what that took me through?

703
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:05,120
Speaker 3: It made me.

704
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:11,160
Speaker 4: I mean, well, I know, I don't know what you mean.

705
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:15,839
Speaker 4: It's it's a it's a plethora of things. It's very difficult.

706
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:17,840
Speaker 4: And the way that I found out about it was

707
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:18,560
Speaker 4: fucked up.

708
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:26,840
Speaker 3: Asking well, she had lupus.

709
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:27,919
Speaker 4: Which is like an autoimmune disease. And it's basically when

710
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:33,279
Speaker 4: like I think your uh, white blood cells attacking, it's

711
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:36,480
Speaker 4: like the red blood cells. There's like six cells in

712
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:39,280
Speaker 4: your body, Like if you get a cold, there's gonna

713
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:42,719
Speaker 4: be like sickness in the cells of your blood. But

714
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:45,400
Speaker 4: then it's like, instead of the white blood cells attack

715
00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:47,920
Speaker 4: the six cells, they're attacking the good cells, and it

716
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:49,680
Speaker 4: breaks down your body from the inside.

717
00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:55,279
Speaker 3: Mm hmm. So it's like whenever she got sick, her

718
00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:57,240
Speaker 3: blood and her immune.

719
00:36:56,840 --> 00:36:58,799
Speaker 4: System wasn't doing what it was supposed to do, so

720
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:03,479
Speaker 4: it would just escalate. And when everything was said and done,

721
00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:05,600
Speaker 4: like she had went into the hospital. I was literally

722
00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:08,400
Speaker 4: paying the rent, writing checks by myself, putting myself on

723
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:11,200
Speaker 4: the bus to school, cambing my own hair, doing everything.

724
00:37:11,239 --> 00:37:11,880
Speaker 3: I was thirteen.

725
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:13,000
Speaker 2: Did you know she was sick?

726
00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:14,120
Speaker 3: Yeah?

727
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:17,080
Speaker 4: I knew she was sick in third grade. Okay, she

728
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:18,960
Speaker 4: told me she was sick in third grade. I don't

729
00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:20,759
Speaker 4: know how long she was sick, but she told me

730
00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:24,680
Speaker 4: in third grade. So at that point I was just

731
00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:27,640
Speaker 4: like I was like in home health nurse. I was.

732
00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:31,440
Speaker 4: I started cooking, I started cleaning, I was doing everything.

733
00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:34,040
Speaker 4: I was going places when she needed me. The only

734
00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 4: thing I couldn't do was drive. But it wasn't like

735
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,440
Speaker 4: she was putting it on me. That was my mama,

736
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:43,120
Speaker 4: I'm gonna do it right. So when it all, you know,

737
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:45,760
Speaker 4: went down, I knew she was sick, and I actually

738
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,759
Speaker 4: went to the hospital with her. She checked herself into

739
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:50,960
Speaker 4: the hospital because it was just getting real bad. And

740
00:37:52,719 --> 00:37:55,160
Speaker 4: basically that was the last time I saw her face

741
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 4: to face is when we went together to the hospital.

742
00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:03,960
Speaker 3: And I think, I'm sorry, I'm taking time.

743
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:07,839
Speaker 4: No, it's okay, cause it's like I need to talk

744
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:13,040
Speaker 4: about it. I feel like as a child, I knew

745
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:21,280
Speaker 4: that day she wasn't coming back right. But I'm happy

746
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:26,120
Speaker 4: because I know why my mom was here, and.

747
00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:28,880
Speaker 3: She knew that I was meant for so much.

748
00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:31,840
Speaker 4: More, and the time that I had with her, she

749
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:35,520
Speaker 4: used it so wisely, and I'm so grateful for her

750
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:38,960
Speaker 4: for my entire life. Everything that I've faced is because

751
00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:43,239
Speaker 4: I was gonna go through it anyway, but I was

752
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:48,000
Speaker 4: so much more prepared because she gave me everything I needed,

753
00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:51,600
Speaker 4: and I knew her sacrifice in a spiritual sense because

754
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:54,400
Speaker 4: I've had to grapple with this for a long time.

755
00:38:56,239 --> 00:38:59,040
Speaker 4: I knew that she made that sacrifice so that she

756
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:02,000
Speaker 4: could watch over me now and be more powerful now

757
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:05,120
Speaker 4: in order to help guide me through.

758
00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:06,680
Speaker 3: The things that I'm gonna be facing.

759
00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:11,439
Speaker 4: But it was just like me not dealing with that,

760
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:16,480
Speaker 4: me feeling dead inside, me not caring, and being reckless

761
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:19,799
Speaker 4: because I didn't want to face my emotions. And I

762
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:21,680
Speaker 4: feel like a lot of women go through a lot

763
00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:25,200
Speaker 4: of deep shit that you know, we end up pushing

764
00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:26,840
Speaker 4: it down and we end up trying.

765
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:29,919
Speaker 2: To kids as responsibilities, Like it's a lot.

766
00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:33,600
Speaker 4: It's a lot when you have kids, and a lot

767
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:35,279
Speaker 4: of the times, I feel like what leads a lot

768
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:38,400
Speaker 4: of women into making reckless decisions with the wrong person

769
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:43,520
Speaker 4: and having children is because we don't have enough education

770
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:46,440
Speaker 4: on how to deal with those things. We don't have

771
00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:49,319
Speaker 4: enough education on how to deal with the parents' death,

772
00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:52,400
Speaker 4: or how to deal with the siblings death or anybody

773
00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:53,640
Speaker 4: passing away in your life.

774
00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:54,800
Speaker 3: We don't know how.

775
00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:57,960
Speaker 4: Really to deal with abuse and any type of situation

776
00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:01,160
Speaker 4: that we face in our younger years that kind of

777
00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:04,520
Speaker 4: imprints on us and causes us to make those decisions.

778
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:06,480
Speaker 4: And I feel like as a mom, once you get

779
00:40:06,520 --> 00:40:10,120
Speaker 4: into it and you haven't dealt with what got you

780
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:13,319
Speaker 4: into it, and then you get into it and you

781
00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:16,040
Speaker 4: have to further push it down, it just creates this

782
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:21,840
Speaker 4: like volcano it's side of you that it's never gonna

783
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:23,759
Speaker 4: make it better. Like, I think a lot of the

784
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:26,120
Speaker 4: reason why I had a child so young is because

785
00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:28,239
Speaker 4: I wanted the family life. I did want to have

786
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:32,200
Speaker 4: a marriage and children, and that's what I wanted. And

787
00:40:32,239 --> 00:40:34,560
Speaker 4: I was like, you know what, life is too short.

788
00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:37,959
Speaker 4: My mama's dead. Fuck it, let's do it right now

789
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:41,160
Speaker 4: before I die. That's pretty much. That's pretty much kind

790
00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,160
Speaker 4: of where my head was at. And it's not necessarily

791
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:47,000
Speaker 4: easy or the right thing to do, but like that's

792
00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:51,040
Speaker 4: where my head was at, and I just kind of

793
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:54,560
Speaker 4: settled for the first person who like I dated as

794
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:57,360
Speaker 4: a teen, but like not as an adult.

795
00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:59,880
Speaker 2: And then you was also, I mean eighteen, is still you?

796
00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:01,200
Speaker 3: Like you still.

797
00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:03,920
Speaker 2: I was?

798
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:05,880
Speaker 3: I would still have milk on my tongue.

799
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:06,160
Speaker 4: Girl.

800
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,480
Speaker 2: Well, I think you would make a good point though

801
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,359
Speaker 2: about how mothers or just people in general like we

802
00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:15,600
Speaker 2: like I'm I just now started to understand a lot

803
00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:17,839
Speaker 2: of things that I do now. Is a reflection because

804
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:21,520
Speaker 2: of my childhood. And you know, when I see these mothers,

805
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:24,080
Speaker 2: especially these young mothers, and like they be breaking down

806
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:26,920
Speaker 2: to the point where they even commit suicide, it breaks

807
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:29,640
Speaker 2: my heart because it's like, you know, postpartum is real,

808
00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:34,680
Speaker 2: like enough that that changes everything.

809
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:41,120
Speaker 4: It changes your body, it changes your mind, it changes

810
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:46,840
Speaker 4: the way that your life looks on an everyday basis.

811
00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:50,840
Speaker 4: And I, you know, I really don't feel like there's

812
00:41:51,040 --> 00:41:57,080
Speaker 4: enough support. And you know, I get irritated because niggas

813
00:41:57,080 --> 00:41:59,279
Speaker 4: always love to bring up the fact that women can

814
00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:02,839
Speaker 4: get on child support, and you know, they got all

815
00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:05,200
Speaker 4: these programs for women, and all these programs don't do

816
00:42:05,239 --> 00:42:07,200
Speaker 4: shit for you. For real, they're not in that bedroom

817
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:09,040
Speaker 4: when that baby crying at three o'clock in the morning

818
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:12,200
Speaker 4: won't stop. You know what I'm saying, like those pro

819
00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:17,040
Speaker 4: the child I'm old thousands of dollars in child support girl, and.

820
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:19,960
Speaker 2: Is even one of the father's active.

821
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,520
Speaker 4: I mean, what I will say is my ex husband

822
00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:29,200
Speaker 4: has good, good parts, but he also has bad parts.

823
00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:31,200
Speaker 3: He's the only one who's active at this time.

824
00:42:31,239 --> 00:42:34,280
Speaker 4: My youngest son's father, my youngest son doesn't even see

825
00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:35,480
Speaker 4: his dad as his dad.

826
00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:37,600
Speaker 3: He sees my ex husband as his dad.

827
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:41,160
Speaker 4: And while I appreciate, like right now while we're doing

828
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:43,720
Speaker 4: this podcast, he took them for the weekend. He usually

829
00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:47,400
Speaker 4: takes them almost every weekend, you know, and we rotate

830
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:51,080
Speaker 4: and it's good, yes, but it's also to have a

831
00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:55,359
Speaker 4: hand and a thumb to control my life. So you

832
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:57,440
Speaker 4: can take them and you can do all this stuff

833
00:42:57,440 --> 00:42:59,839
Speaker 4: and they can come back with toys and they beat

834
00:42:59,840 --> 00:43:03,160
Speaker 4: on went places and they got this or that. But

835
00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:07,799
Speaker 4: you can't pay no child support ever, So so it

836
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:08,680
Speaker 4: don't make no sense.

837
00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:10,560
Speaker 2: So what would you what would what would be an

838
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:11,719
Speaker 2: ideal situation for you?

839
00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:15,719
Speaker 4: I mean, an ideal situation would be, you know, maye,

840
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:22,799
Speaker 4: financially you're financially supporting me because like, okay, it kind

841
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:25,440
Speaker 4: of feels like he doesn't want me to be supported,

842
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:26,720
Speaker 4: but he'll support his kids.

843
00:43:26,760 --> 00:43:28,760
Speaker 3: But if I'm out on the street, all the better.

844
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:31,280
Speaker 3: Because it's a revenge.

845
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:34,360
Speaker 4: It's a revenge thing and it's it's really deep and

846
00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:38,640
Speaker 4: it's a long story, but like he's mad. He's I

847
00:43:38,680 --> 00:43:44,040
Speaker 4: think he's mad because I stopped loving him in a

848
00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 4: romantic way, in a relationship type of way. I no

849
00:43:47,239 --> 00:43:50,080
Speaker 4: longer wanted the relationship. I no longer wanted the marriage

850
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,759
Speaker 4: because I was doing things in the marriage by myself, right.

851
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:56,600
Speaker 4: I was basically a married single mom when they say

852
00:43:56,640 --> 00:43:59,520
Speaker 4: married single mom, that's how I felt. And he was

853
00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:03,080
Speaker 4: bringing U and he was working after I would help

854
00:44:03,160 --> 00:44:06,600
Speaker 4: him get jobs and find situations. But there was a

855
00:44:06,640 --> 00:44:09,839
Speaker 4: lot of time when my oldest two kids were young.

856
00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:12,400
Speaker 4: We were living in one bedroom apartment with two kids,

857
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:17,480
Speaker 4: and he was working at like McDonald's, and I was

858
00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:20,440
Speaker 4: working trying to find you know, I was serving tables

859
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,399
Speaker 4: and stuff. But I had ended up getting a corporate job,

860
00:44:23,520 --> 00:44:25,560
Speaker 4: like I had ended up kind of coming up, and

861
00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:27,399
Speaker 4: I'm like, you gotta come up too, Like we can't

862
00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:31,080
Speaker 4: keep living in these apartments dealing with these situations, and

863
00:44:31,239 --> 00:44:32,799
Speaker 4: I want to be in a house, like I want

864
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:34,839
Speaker 4: to be able to have the kids together. And it's

865
00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:36,640
Speaker 4: like when I started asking.

866
00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:40,279
Speaker 3: Him to do more, Oh bro.

867
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:42,440
Speaker 4: If you don't shut the fuck up and sit down somewhere.

868
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:45,440
Speaker 4: That's pretty much his attitude and how his actions portrayed.

869
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:56,080
Speaker 2: Was there a certain situation because I was looking at

870
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:59,040
Speaker 2: your videos and I feel like it. I think it

871
00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:01,040
Speaker 2: was one particular video. I feel like you was like

872
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:03,880
Speaker 2: that was it, Like you was fed up, Like I

873
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:06,400
Speaker 2: think you just really going in saying like, yeah, I

874
00:45:06,560 --> 00:45:09,560
Speaker 2: really regret having kids, Like I, if I would do

875
00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:12,440
Speaker 2: it again, it would be a dub, like will something

876
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:14,680
Speaker 2: trigger it? Like what happened during that time?

877
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:17,480
Speaker 3: I just felt like I had put so much into

878
00:45:17,520 --> 00:45:18,520
Speaker 3: the marriage.

879
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:20,640
Speaker 2: Mm hmm, oh, I know it's still a marry at

880
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:21,000
Speaker 2: this time.

881
00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:24,600
Speaker 4: Well not when I made the videos, but when I

882
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:29,440
Speaker 4: just felt like, well, yeah, they're Oh, I don't know

883
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:31,320
Speaker 4: which video you're talking about, but I kind of get.

884
00:45:31,160 --> 00:45:31,720
Speaker 3: What you're saying.

885
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:36,160
Speaker 4: So basically, like the part that made me just regretted

886
00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:38,960
Speaker 4: was like, these past few years have been super stressful.

887
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:41,600
Speaker 4: Like these past few years, I feel like everybody's been

888
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:44,719
Speaker 4: going through their own personal, like life changing.

889
00:45:44,400 --> 00:45:46,520
Speaker 2: Moments, especially with the pandemic.

890
00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:47,879
Speaker 3: Oh my god.

891
00:45:48,160 --> 00:45:51,040
Speaker 4: And that's what was really tough, Like from the pandemic

892
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:55,279
Speaker 4: to now, I've literally transitioned from corporate America to self

893
00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:59,520
Speaker 4: employment and like had little odd jobs in between here

894
00:45:59,520 --> 00:46:01,920
Speaker 4: and there, and like different things going on. But it

895
00:46:02,040 --> 00:46:05,720
Speaker 4: was either like I was just tired at a certain point,

896
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:07,000
Speaker 4: especially with the pandemic.

897
00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:07,640
Speaker 3: It triggered it.

898
00:46:08,120 --> 00:46:11,600
Speaker 4: I was tired of sacrificing my relationship with my kids.

899
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:15,040
Speaker 4: To be able to survive because even when I had

900
00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:17,719
Speaker 4: a corporate job and I was making good money, the

901
00:46:17,760 --> 00:46:20,320
Speaker 4: amount of money that it would take because my youngest

902
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:22,200
Speaker 4: son's father left when he was like one, he was

903
00:46:22,239 --> 00:46:25,560
Speaker 4: still in pull ups, so the amount of money that

904
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:27,839
Speaker 4: it would take to maintain my children and they're growing

905
00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:30,239
Speaker 4: out their shoes all the time, and like these it's

906
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:33,920
Speaker 4: like these last few years have been hell for me,

907
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:38,719
Speaker 4: cause so many things have changed, and I just got

908
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:41,120
Speaker 4: to a point where I was just kind of like tired,

909
00:46:41,200 --> 00:46:45,360
Speaker 4: Like I knew I was depressed. I was like super depressed,

910
00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:51,160
Speaker 4: and I have had, you know, suicidal thoughts at times,

911
00:46:51,239 --> 00:46:55,800
Speaker 4: but I've also had therapy and counseling and like working

912
00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:59,040
Speaker 4: through those different things. And also my spirituality has helped

913
00:46:59,080 --> 00:47:01,879
Speaker 4: me a lot. But there was just like so much

914
00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:04,920
Speaker 4: piled onto me these last four years. And then my

915
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:07,399
Speaker 4: children were having behavior like, yeah, it's a good thing

916
00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:09,400
Speaker 4: that they go to their dad's house, but he tells

917
00:47:09,440 --> 00:47:11,840
Speaker 4: them to do things like call the police on me

918
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:15,520
Speaker 4: if they don't like what I'm telling them.

919
00:47:15,360 --> 00:47:16,520
Speaker 3: To do, and it's happened.

920
00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:20,320
Speaker 4: Mmm. In the last four years, I've had the police

921
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:24,160
Speaker 4: at my house and child Protective Services several.

922
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,480
Speaker 2: Times, Wow, now that's fucked up.

923
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:32,320
Speaker 4: And it's behind him or somebody on his side making

924
00:47:32,360 --> 00:47:35,600
Speaker 4: some type of claim, or it's behind my kids making

925
00:47:35,640 --> 00:47:37,680
Speaker 4: some type of claim that he put in their mind.

926
00:47:38,640 --> 00:47:40,480
Speaker 3: And then and this is the thing.

927
00:47:40,920 --> 00:47:43,200
Speaker 4: Because I'm an open book, I haven't really talked a

928
00:47:43,239 --> 00:47:46,719
Speaker 4: lot about this with anybody, like publicly, but like that

929
00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:51,239
Speaker 4: was hell for me because every waking moment I was

930
00:47:51,320 --> 00:47:54,560
Speaker 4: sacrificing everything for my children.

931
00:47:55,800 --> 00:47:58,479
Speaker 2: You got the fucking police at my door, like right, and.

932
00:47:58,400 --> 00:48:00,719
Speaker 4: You got the fucking nerve. It was like Christmith's Day.

933
00:48:01,239 --> 00:48:03,640
Speaker 4: One year these past four years, I can't remember if

934
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,000
Speaker 4: it was last year or the year before that. I

935
00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:07,280
Speaker 4: think it was the year before at twenty twenty.

936
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:07,600
Speaker 3: One or two.

937
00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:10,480
Speaker 4: He had the police at my house on Christmas Day

938
00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:14,600
Speaker 4: because they got up late. They opened their presence. I

939
00:48:14,640 --> 00:48:17,799
Speaker 4: cooked breakfast for everybody. We was watching movies downstairs. He

940
00:48:17,840 --> 00:48:20,279
Speaker 4: pulled up at the time in the court document. Oh,

941
00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:22,239
Speaker 4: you can be on time in the court document when

942
00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:24,680
Speaker 4: it comes to you coming over here fucking shit up,

943
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:26,640
Speaker 4: but when it comes to you paying child support, you

944
00:48:26,680 --> 00:48:30,040
Speaker 4: don't know what it says, right, So he was over

945
00:48:30,080 --> 00:48:31,839
Speaker 4: here on time, and they said, well, we don't want

946
00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:32,239
Speaker 4: to go yet.

947
00:48:32,239 --> 00:48:33,200
Speaker 3: We don't want to go yet.

948
00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:36,319
Speaker 4: He was like, all right, had the police at my

949
00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:38,400
Speaker 4: door on Christmas Day, had them knocking on my door,

950
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:41,160
Speaker 4: had my children have to witness that on Christmas fucking day.

951
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:42,120
Speaker 2: Wow?

952
00:48:42,440 --> 00:48:45,040
Speaker 4: And it's been stuff like that. That's just that's just

953
00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:49,520
Speaker 4: one example. I tried to get him in family therapy.

954
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:52,680
Speaker 4: He dodged the therapist the first time, then he dodged

955
00:48:52,719 --> 00:48:55,560
Speaker 4: the therapist the second time, and finally when he came,

956
00:48:56,120 --> 00:48:59,799
Speaker 4: it was because the defacts lady basically said, if you

957
00:48:59,800 --> 00:49:02,319
Speaker 4: don't come, we're gonna start looking at your ass the

958
00:49:02,360 --> 00:49:04,600
Speaker 4: next time you try to start some with her.

959
00:49:04,640 --> 00:49:06,560
Speaker 2: Right, right, right, because now the math is starting the

960
00:49:06,560 --> 00:49:08,520
Speaker 2: math nigga, Yeah right.

961
00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:11,000
Speaker 4: And every case that I've had, I've had case and

962
00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:12,960
Speaker 4: this has been happening for years, more than the last

963
00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:16,120
Speaker 4: four years, but it was really bad this last four years.

964
00:49:16,600 --> 00:49:17,040
Speaker 3: It's been.

965
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:19,640
Speaker 4: It's been so many people tell me, oh, you like

966
00:49:19,719 --> 00:49:21,640
Speaker 4: when I just had two kids with him, and he

967
00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:23,360
Speaker 4: was the only one I had children with before I

968
00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:26,200
Speaker 4: had my youngest son, he had a case. He called

969
00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:28,440
Speaker 4: the police on me then too, he set me up,

970
00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:30,440
Speaker 4: was supposed to get the kids from my house, when

971
00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:33,160
Speaker 4: they got off the bus, wasn't there called the police

972
00:49:33,160 --> 00:49:36,759
Speaker 4: while I was at work. M So it's been it's

973
00:49:36,760 --> 00:49:38,920
Speaker 4: been shipped like that, that has just been happening, and

974
00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:41,120
Speaker 4: I've just been I've just been getting it. I've just

975
00:49:41,160 --> 00:49:43,719
Speaker 4: been overcoming it. I've just been, you know, keeping going,

976
00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:46,560
Speaker 4: keeping going, keeping going. And it's a lie and it's

977
00:49:46,560 --> 00:49:50,000
Speaker 4: it's just this fulmination of everything that I was under,

978
00:49:50,400 --> 00:49:53,759
Speaker 4: including stress. And then my kids transitioned to teenagers and

979
00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:55,799
Speaker 4: it was a different ballgame with that.

980
00:49:56,760 --> 00:50:00,680
Speaker 3: It was just like, look, I'm I'm about to fucking snap.

981
00:50:01,200 --> 00:50:01,440
Speaker 3: You know.

982
00:50:01,600 --> 00:50:03,759
Speaker 2: It was one video. I knew that, I knew you

983
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:05,840
Speaker 2: was at your wits end. You said something to the

984
00:50:05,880 --> 00:50:09,040
Speaker 2: effect of, like you did things that you weren't proud of,

985
00:50:09,280 --> 00:50:10,920
Speaker 2: but you have to do it because you have to survive.

986
00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:12,760
Speaker 2: And I'm like, I know that feeling.

987
00:50:13,480 --> 00:50:16,439
Speaker 3: Girl. It's definitely. Yeah, it's true.

988
00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:18,759
Speaker 4: I've definitely done things I'm not proud of. There's been

989
00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:23,879
Speaker 4: a lot of times where I've finessed to get money

990
00:50:23,920 --> 00:50:25,600
Speaker 4: to pay a bill because I didn't want my kids

991
00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:26,440
Speaker 4: and not have water.

992
00:50:27,200 --> 00:50:29,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's been times.

993
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:32,080
Speaker 4: Where I've not necessarily treated people in the way that

994
00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:34,960
Speaker 4: I would really want to treat them because of the

995
00:50:35,120 --> 00:50:39,200
Speaker 4: anger and the bottled up frustration. Like when I'm on

996
00:50:39,239 --> 00:50:42,600
Speaker 4: the phone with just people and I'm arguing trying to

997
00:50:42,719 --> 00:50:45,800
Speaker 4: keep a bill together or set up a payment arrangement

998
00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:47,840
Speaker 4: and somebody's fucking with me on the other line. They

999
00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:49,920
Speaker 4: don't want to try to work with me, and I

1000
00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:52,560
Speaker 4: go off on them like it's things that I and

1001
00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:56,439
Speaker 4: it goes from small scale to large scale, but it's

1002
00:50:56,480 --> 00:50:59,680
Speaker 4: definitely things that I've had to do in the course

1003
00:50:59,719 --> 00:51:04,480
Speaker 4: of being a mother that are degrading. It's low, it's degrading,

1004
00:51:05,160 --> 00:51:10,759
Speaker 4: it's hurtful, it scars you. And I think you know

1005
00:51:10,880 --> 00:51:14,200
Speaker 4: I have empathy. I don't necessarily agree with continuing to

1006
00:51:14,200 --> 00:51:17,560
Speaker 4: do that. I've always tried to pull myself out of

1007
00:51:17,600 --> 00:51:18,920
Speaker 4: those situations and.

1008
00:51:18,800 --> 00:51:19,839
Speaker 3: Not continue it.

1009
00:51:20,440 --> 00:51:23,040
Speaker 4: But I'm not mad at the girls who feel like

1010
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:25,480
Speaker 4: that's their only way because they ain't seen nothing else.

1011
00:51:25,719 --> 00:51:28,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, so let me try something new, you know what

1012
00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:28,520
Speaker 2: I mean?

1013
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:33,120
Speaker 4: Yes, they sometimes women don't know because that's all they've seen.

1014
00:51:33,320 --> 00:51:35,839
Speaker 4: That's all they've seen growing up. That's all they've seen

1015
00:51:35,880 --> 00:51:38,719
Speaker 4: their mother do and their grandmother do, and they that's

1016
00:51:38,760 --> 00:51:40,000
Speaker 4: the only way that they know how.

1017
00:51:39,840 --> 00:51:40,399
Speaker 3: To make it.

1018
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:43,839
Speaker 4: But then there comes a time as well when you

1019
00:51:43,880 --> 00:51:46,880
Speaker 4: have to take accountability and I'm a strong firm believer

1020
00:51:47,000 --> 00:51:49,600
Speaker 4: of that, to where you know, you have to take

1021
00:51:49,600 --> 00:51:54,400
Speaker 4: accountability for your actions and you have to just do

1022
00:51:54,520 --> 00:51:58,400
Speaker 4: your best to not make the same mistakes again, to

1023
00:51:58,680 --> 00:52:01,920
Speaker 4: at least identify what got you into that position so

1024
00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:03,320
Speaker 4: that you won't be an audition again.

1025
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:06,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you, I know you said that a lot

1026
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:09,160
Speaker 2: of people kind of fell off as she was going

1027
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:11,520
Speaker 2: through your journey with motherhood. But did you have anybody

1028
00:52:11,560 --> 00:52:14,200
Speaker 2: because I can tell like the last few years were

1029
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:17,040
Speaker 2: really tough, So like was your uncle around or did

1030
00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:19,399
Speaker 2: you have like any close girlfriends like.

1031
00:52:21,080 --> 00:52:21,319
Speaker 3: I have.

1032
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:24,040
Speaker 4: I have had a few close girlfriend I got one

1033
00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:25,880
Speaker 4: good girlfriend that I've.

1034
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:28,960
Speaker 3: Known for several years, like I believe like twelve years

1035
00:52:29,000 --> 00:52:29,600
Speaker 3: now or more.

1036
00:52:29,800 --> 00:52:30,480
Speaker 2: Oh that's good.

1037
00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:34,319
Speaker 4: And she always has my back, like she's listed as

1038
00:52:34,320 --> 00:52:38,040
Speaker 4: my emergency contact. She was when I was working and

1039
00:52:38,120 --> 00:52:40,680
Speaker 4: I had my uh was it a four to one K?

1040
00:52:40,840 --> 00:52:42,840
Speaker 4: I don't know when I had my basically like my

1041
00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:46,040
Speaker 4: insurance to give my kids the four on one care

1042
00:52:46,080 --> 00:52:49,520
Speaker 4: life insurance. She's the beneficiary so that because I know

1043
00:52:49,640 --> 00:52:52,399
Speaker 4: she's gonna give them their due like, I know she's

1044
00:52:52,440 --> 00:52:53,600
Speaker 4: gonna handle it.

1045
00:52:53,600 --> 00:52:55,600
Speaker 2: She's gonna hold it down, right, she gonna.

1046
00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:56,000
Speaker 3: Hold it down.

1047
00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:59,400
Speaker 4: And but my uncle we fell out, Like when I

1048
00:52:59,400 --> 00:53:01,560
Speaker 4: got pregnant first time, he was so mad that I

1049
00:53:01,560 --> 00:53:03,200
Speaker 4: didn't do what he wanted me to do. And that

1050
00:53:03,320 --> 00:53:05,280
Speaker 4: was part of the reason too, why I got pregnant,

1051
00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:08,560
Speaker 4: because I was very irritated with people telling me this

1052
00:53:08,600 --> 00:53:12,600
Speaker 4: is how my life is gonna go, and and I

1053
00:53:12,719 --> 00:53:14,560
Speaker 4: just had lost my mom, And it's like, you're sitting

1054
00:53:14,600 --> 00:53:17,320
Speaker 4: here in my face bringing up my mom on regular

1055
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:19,640
Speaker 4: occasions and the things that she used to do that

1056
00:53:19,760 --> 00:53:23,600
Speaker 4: irritated you because you see me doing it too, and

1057
00:53:23,640 --> 00:53:25,360
Speaker 4: you think that's gonna make me want to listen to

1058
00:53:25,400 --> 00:53:29,480
Speaker 4: you about discipline in different situations. So when I did

1059
00:53:29,520 --> 00:53:31,840
Speaker 4: get pregnant, I had my kids. In all these years,

1060
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:35,400
Speaker 4: it's like, yeah, there have been times my uncle has

1061
00:53:35,440 --> 00:53:39,080
Speaker 4: helped me. And mind you, he's an ex Morehouse graduate,

1062
00:53:39,680 --> 00:53:44,960
Speaker 4: he's a spell ex Spelman professor. He just retired, like

1063
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:49,439
Speaker 4: he has been the game. He's at Morehouse, he's taught

1064
00:53:49,440 --> 00:53:54,200
Speaker 4: at Spellman, he's tenured into that whole environment. And he

1065
00:53:54,360 --> 00:53:56,840
Speaker 4: wanted he wanted me to follow certain footsteps, and I

1066
00:53:57,520 --> 00:54:01,560
Speaker 4: was just like, that's not my path m hm. And

1067
00:54:01,640 --> 00:54:03,440
Speaker 4: I don't know why it's not my path, but I

1068
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:06,520
Speaker 4: want to explore and try to figure out what my

1069
00:54:07,320 --> 00:54:08,320
Speaker 4: calling is.

1070
00:54:08,600 --> 00:54:10,360
Speaker 2: Or do you think it could have been your path?

1071
00:54:10,440 --> 00:54:12,520
Speaker 2: But it was being forced upon you, so it felt

1072
00:54:12,600 --> 00:54:15,440
Speaker 2: like that's not what you wanted to do or wanted

1073
00:54:15,480 --> 00:54:18,080
Speaker 2: to do. But it felt like resistance because people were

1074
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:19,399
Speaker 2: telling you that what you need to do.

1075
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:21,759
Speaker 4: Yes, And that's a part of me that's kind of hard.

1076
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:24,040
Speaker 4: It's like I don't like being told what to do.

1077
00:54:24,560 --> 00:54:27,279
Speaker 4: And the more gentle that you are with me, the

1078
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:29,600
Speaker 4: more that I'm like, Okay, you know, let's see. But

1079
00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:31,440
Speaker 4: he was like, no, this is what you're gonna do.

1080
00:54:31,719 --> 00:54:33,560
Speaker 4: You're gonna do it the way I say. And that

1081
00:54:33,680 --> 00:54:35,480
Speaker 4: was a part of it too, But like as this time,

1082
00:54:35,520 --> 00:54:37,200
Speaker 4: I feel like he held a grudge and I held

1083
00:54:37,239 --> 00:54:40,200
Speaker 4: a grudge because even when I did get pregnant, he

1084
00:54:40,280 --> 00:54:42,839
Speaker 4: was disappointed in me, but he made plans about how

1085
00:54:42,960 --> 00:54:44,480
Speaker 4: my life was gonna go. When I was pregnant. He

1086
00:54:44,520 --> 00:54:46,520
Speaker 4: was like, oh, I was gonna let you stay here

1087
00:54:46,560 --> 00:54:48,320
Speaker 4: and the baby could have an extra room, and you

1088
00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:49,960
Speaker 4: was gonna do this, and you was and I'm like.

1089
00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:52,879
Speaker 3: You still don't get it.

1090
00:54:52,880 --> 00:54:57,319
Speaker 4: It's like you're pushing me away instead of listening, Like

1091
00:54:57,600 --> 00:54:59,600
Speaker 4: it was more like a lecture. That's one thing that

1092
00:54:59,640 --> 00:55:02,200
Speaker 4: I felt like he's a great guy, Like he's a

1093
00:55:02,200 --> 00:55:03,920
Speaker 4: great man, he's a great example.

1094
00:55:04,680 --> 00:55:06,600
Speaker 3: But it was more a lectured in a conversation.

1095
00:55:08,760 --> 00:55:11,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, And it's like, once I decided to go my

1096
00:55:11,239 --> 00:55:14,360
Speaker 4: own way, it's like, oh, well, you decided deal with

1097
00:55:14,400 --> 00:55:17,160
Speaker 4: your shit. But then when it comes to my boy

1098
00:55:17,239 --> 00:55:21,920
Speaker 4: cousins when they fucked up, when my cousin dropped out

1099
00:55:21,960 --> 00:55:26,120
Speaker 4: of college, when he had issues with with you know,

1100
00:55:26,160 --> 00:55:30,000
Speaker 4: the military, when my other cousin was on drugs, y'all

1101
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:31,879
Speaker 4: let them come back to the point where I got

1102
00:55:31,880 --> 00:55:34,160
Speaker 4: abused by my cousin who was on drugs when he

1103
00:55:34,200 --> 00:55:35,719
Speaker 4: came back because I was a teenager.

1104
00:55:37,280 --> 00:55:40,840
Speaker 3: He didn't like sexually abuse me, but he physically abused me.

1105
00:55:42,160 --> 00:55:45,120
Speaker 4: So it's like, you stood up for them when they

1106
00:55:45,200 --> 00:55:47,520
Speaker 4: was in a fucked up situation, But then when it

1107
00:55:47,520 --> 00:55:49,440
Speaker 4: comes down to me being in a fucked up situation,

1108
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:51,920
Speaker 4: he was there was a limit to his support.

1109
00:55:52,440 --> 00:55:54,960
Speaker 2: Right, do you feel like you're fully healed from all

1110
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:58,160
Speaker 2: of this, because I know throughout several of your videos

1111
00:55:58,200 --> 00:56:01,239
Speaker 2: like you were you very adamant about like you wish

1112
00:56:01,320 --> 00:56:04,320
Speaker 2: you can go back because you will not have your children.

1113
00:56:04,760 --> 00:56:06,480
Speaker 2: So do you think it's kind of like hardening you

1114
00:56:06,480 --> 00:56:09,120
Speaker 2: in a sense or like change your perspective on life?

1115
00:56:09,160 --> 00:56:12,839
Speaker 4: Like I definitely feel like it's changed my perspective on life.

1116
00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:15,040
Speaker 4: And I don't feel like I'm healed completely from it

1117
00:56:15,239 --> 00:56:18,840
Speaker 4: at all. Like I don't see healing as something that

1118
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:20,440
Speaker 4: you're gonna start and then finish it.

1119
00:56:20,640 --> 00:56:21,960
Speaker 2: It's definitely continued to journey.

1120
00:56:22,239 --> 00:56:26,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, But at the same time, yes, Like I'm definitely

1121
00:56:26,280 --> 00:56:28,879
Speaker 4: adamant as far as like if I would have gone

1122
00:56:28,920 --> 00:56:30,440
Speaker 4: back and changed it, I wouldn't have done it. And

1123
00:56:30,480 --> 00:56:33,359
Speaker 4: it's not even from a selfish perspective for me. It's

1124
00:56:33,360 --> 00:56:37,160
Speaker 4: honestly for my children, And I think it did a

1125
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:41,560
Speaker 4: lot of the ways that I wish things could be different.

1126
00:56:43,080 --> 00:56:49,160
Speaker 4: Is you know, centering back to like me just not

1127
00:56:49,320 --> 00:56:49,839
Speaker 4: having them.

1128
00:56:50,360 --> 00:56:52,359
Speaker 3: Yeah, And it's not that I don't want them to

1129
00:56:52,400 --> 00:56:52,920
Speaker 3: have life.

1130
00:56:52,920 --> 00:56:54,319
Speaker 4: I think that's what a lot of people in my

1131
00:56:54,360 --> 00:56:57,520
Speaker 4: comments like really misunderstood, was that it's not that I

1132
00:56:57,560 --> 00:56:59,239
Speaker 4: don't want them to have their life. If I didn't

1133
00:56:59,239 --> 00:57:01,319
Speaker 4: want them to have their life, abortion was legal back then,

1134
00:57:01,360 --> 00:57:04,480
Speaker 4: I could have just handled it. Yeah, And people asked me,

1135
00:57:04,560 --> 00:57:06,080
Speaker 4: did I want to do that? And I said no,

1136
00:57:06,239 --> 00:57:08,640
Speaker 4: because in my heart I could feel that child is

1137
00:57:08,640 --> 00:57:12,720
Speaker 4: a life to me. Maybe that's not necessarily what everybody agrees,

1138
00:57:12,800 --> 00:57:17,440
Speaker 4: but that's how it felt to me. So just the

1139
00:57:17,480 --> 00:57:25,160
Speaker 4: fact that I was selfish and because of those different

1140
00:57:25,320 --> 00:57:30,280
Speaker 4: hard headed, immature mentalities, now this child grows up with

1141
00:57:30,480 --> 00:57:35,000
Speaker 4: a lackluster or less than you know, ideal experience.

1142
00:57:35,240 --> 00:57:36,760
Speaker 2: Do you think your kids can feel that.

1143
00:57:38,320 --> 00:57:41,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, they definitely feel it. They definitely feel it.

1144
00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:45,400
Speaker 4: And I think a lot of people fail to realize

1145
00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:46,200
Speaker 4: how much kids know.

1146
00:57:46,720 --> 00:57:47,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a fact.

1147
00:57:48,800 --> 00:57:52,240
Speaker 2: So my kid, my niece. She said something to my

1148
00:57:53,800 --> 00:57:56,680
Speaker 2: best friend and it kind of hurt my feelings because

1149
00:57:56,680 --> 00:57:58,920
Speaker 2: I used to always have time to see her and stuff,

1150
00:57:58,960 --> 00:58:02,040
Speaker 2: but like, since just been life and in both good

1151
00:58:02,040 --> 00:58:05,520
Speaker 2: ways and annoying ways, I just haven't been able to

1152
00:58:05,520 --> 00:58:08,680
Speaker 2: see her. And she said something to the effect of,

1153
00:58:08,840 --> 00:58:10,960
Speaker 2: like because she called me my family name Nanae, and

1154
00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:13,680
Speaker 2: she was like, Nana is always busy. She like she

1155
00:58:13,720 --> 00:58:15,760
Speaker 2: can't come by and come by and see me for

1156
00:58:15,760 --> 00:58:18,120
Speaker 2: five minutes or my Yeah, and I know it's something

1157
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:20,480
Speaker 2: so minor, but like that really hurt my feelings been

1158
00:58:20,520 --> 00:58:22,600
Speaker 2: I'm like, damn, Like every time she asked me to

1159
00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:24,720
Speaker 2: come see her, I'm like, I'm really busy. I'm trying

1160
00:58:24,720 --> 00:58:26,200
Speaker 2: to figure it out. But also I'm like, little girl,

1161
00:58:26,280 --> 00:58:28,360
Speaker 2: I have to work, I have a business that's growing,

1162
00:58:28,480 --> 00:58:30,240
Speaker 2: and you're just in school.

1163
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:32,280
Speaker 3: But this is life, right.

1164
00:58:32,320 --> 00:58:34,200
Speaker 2: But I said at to say like like that really

1165
00:58:34,240 --> 00:58:36,120
Speaker 2: made me feel away. So I can only imagine as

1166
00:58:36,120 --> 00:58:39,240
Speaker 2: a mother, how you feel knowing that your kids can

1167
00:58:39,320 --> 00:58:42,880
Speaker 2: sense your unhappiness. Because I can tell that, I feel

1168
00:58:42,920 --> 00:58:45,280
Speaker 2: like from somebody who knows what it feels like to

1169
00:58:45,320 --> 00:58:47,880
Speaker 2: really survive, Like you're not happy, you know what I'm saying.

1170
00:58:48,160 --> 00:58:51,920
Speaker 4: Yes, and when you're in survival mode, nobody around you

1171
00:58:52,000 --> 00:58:56,320
Speaker 4: is happy. So it breaks my heart all the time.

1172
00:58:56,600 --> 00:59:01,240
Speaker 4: I've shed several tears about that exact situation because I

1173
00:59:01,440 --> 00:59:06,720
Speaker 4: just I just wish that they could have had a

1174
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:10,000
Speaker 4: better chance. And mind you, a lot of people took

1175
00:59:10,040 --> 00:59:12,600
Speaker 4: it from me saying and the things that I said

1176
00:59:12,640 --> 00:59:15,600
Speaker 4: that I'm not a good mom, like my kids have

1177
00:59:15,680 --> 00:59:19,520
Speaker 4: had so many experiences. When I was in a better

1178
00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:24,600
Speaker 4: financial situation, they were going to birthdays at Top Golf,

1179
00:59:25,000 --> 00:59:27,560
Speaker 4: I fly, we was going to Lego Land, you know

1180
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:31,280
Speaker 4: what I'm saying, Like it was an enriching experience. I

1181
00:59:31,320 --> 00:59:33,400
Speaker 4: would go to the museums with them and like do

1182
00:59:33,480 --> 00:59:36,360
Speaker 4: little things for kids, and we would go to festivals.

1183
00:59:37,040 --> 00:59:40,840
Speaker 4: It was very much so me putting everything into them

1184
00:59:40,880 --> 00:59:45,439
Speaker 4: and not having anything left for myself. And they would

1185
00:59:45,520 --> 00:59:48,360
Speaker 4: see how hard I was pushing and how hard I

1186
00:59:48,440 --> 00:59:50,520
Speaker 4: was trying. And they always had new shoes on the

1187
00:59:50,520 --> 00:59:52,520
Speaker 4: first day of school, and I think that's kind of

1188
00:59:52,520 --> 00:59:54,880
Speaker 4: like an overc you know. They had nice clothes, they

1189
00:59:54,880 --> 00:59:58,640
Speaker 4: had nice things. I didn't want them to lack for anything.

1190
00:59:58,640 --> 01:00:00,760
Speaker 4: And I think that's a mentality that a lot of women,

1191
01:00:00,840 --> 01:00:03,440
Speaker 4: especially Black women have. They don't want their kids to

1192
01:00:03,520 --> 01:00:06,520
Speaker 4: lack for anything because they feel how their children feel.

1193
01:00:06,840 --> 01:00:07,720
Speaker 1: They can say it.

1194
01:00:08,760 --> 01:00:11,000
Speaker 4: Right, and they can sense it. You can sense it

1195
01:00:11,040 --> 01:00:13,760
Speaker 4: if you're any mom worth of them, you can sense your.

1196
01:00:13,680 --> 01:00:19,040
Speaker 3: Child emotions because you so.

1197
01:00:19,240 --> 01:00:22,800
Speaker 4: It's like a lot of women get into that trap

1198
01:00:22,920 --> 01:00:25,240
Speaker 4: where they feel like they have to overcompensate. And that's

1199
01:00:25,240 --> 01:00:27,080
Speaker 4: something I had to learn that I didn't have to do.

1200
01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:31,960
Speaker 4: It was more important for me, though, to talk to them,

1201
01:00:32,000 --> 01:00:36,480
Speaker 4: like my mom raised me to know, like, hey, this

1202
01:00:36,520 --> 01:00:38,600
Speaker 4: is how you conduct yourself outside.

1203
01:00:38,760 --> 01:00:40,400
Speaker 3: This is what you may expect.

1204
01:00:40,760 --> 01:00:42,840
Speaker 4: But when I would see them going through things, I

1205
01:00:42,880 --> 01:00:44,960
Speaker 4: would really try to talk to them about what was

1206
01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:48,560
Speaker 4: going on, not so much in an adult way, but

1207
01:00:48,680 --> 01:00:52,440
Speaker 4: in a way where I'm not sugarcoating things and lying

1208
01:00:52,520 --> 01:00:54,360
Speaker 4: to them, Like I would try to be as honest

1209
01:00:54,360 --> 01:00:57,680
Speaker 4: as possible in a version of the situation that their

1210
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:00,720
Speaker 4: you know, age level could understand.

1211
01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:02,120
Speaker 3: Right, so you.

1212
01:01:02,080 --> 01:01:04,280
Speaker 2: Don't have anything from them either, You want to be

1213
01:01:04,280 --> 01:01:05,040
Speaker 2: honest with them.

1214
01:01:04,960 --> 01:01:09,600
Speaker 4: For sure, exactly, And that communication played like a huge role.

1215
01:01:09,680 --> 01:01:11,760
Speaker 4: Like my oldest son, he's about to be fourteen at

1216
01:01:11,800 --> 01:01:14,360
Speaker 4: the end of the month, my second son he's about

1217
01:01:14,400 --> 01:01:17,320
Speaker 4: to be thirteen, and then my youngest son just turned

1218
01:01:17,360 --> 01:01:18,120
Speaker 4: seven in March.

1219
01:01:18,200 --> 01:01:20,680
Speaker 3: So they're super independent.

1220
01:01:20,760 --> 01:01:22,760
Speaker 4: My sons know how to wash clothes, they know how

1221
01:01:22,800 --> 01:01:25,080
Speaker 4: to wash dishes, they know how to clean the house.

1222
01:01:25,760 --> 01:01:28,240
Speaker 4: They have the same level of skills that my mother

1223
01:01:28,320 --> 01:01:30,600
Speaker 4: raised me with, that a lot of mothers raised their

1224
01:01:30,640 --> 01:01:32,880
Speaker 4: girls with. But I gave those skills to them too

1225
01:01:33,400 --> 01:01:35,920
Speaker 4: because I felt like it was important and it was vital.

1226
01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:38,120
Speaker 3: And when it's a situation.

1227
01:01:37,720 --> 01:01:40,960
Speaker 4: Where I do see them kind of having an emotional response,

1228
01:01:41,640 --> 01:01:43,640
Speaker 4: I just sit down and I talk to them and

1229
01:01:43,680 --> 01:01:45,960
Speaker 4: I'm just like, hey, this is what's going on?

1230
01:01:46,120 --> 01:01:47,160
Speaker 3: Tell me how you feeling.

1231
01:01:48,040 --> 01:01:51,120
Speaker 4: Even when it's not anything going on, I check in

1232
01:01:51,200 --> 01:01:53,280
Speaker 4: with them and I'm like, are you feeling emotionally?

1233
01:01:53,320 --> 01:01:55,880
Speaker 3: Like what's going on in your heart? Like what have

1234
01:01:55,960 --> 01:01:57,680
Speaker 3: you been seeing? What have you been feeling?

1235
01:01:57,920 --> 01:02:00,680
Speaker 2: And is that's important? I think that starts home because

1236
01:02:00,720 --> 01:02:03,520
Speaker 2: I think that, like, I wish that more black men

1237
01:02:03,920 --> 01:02:07,160
Speaker 2: would feel comfortable with being vulnerable. And I know that

1238
01:02:07,240 --> 01:02:09,360
Speaker 2: in this world that we live in, it don't always

1239
01:02:09,360 --> 01:02:13,880
Speaker 2: provide the space. So I get it, guys, I understand,

1240
01:02:13,920 --> 01:02:18,160
Speaker 2: But I just wish that men would have those conversations

1241
01:02:18,160 --> 01:02:20,440
Speaker 2: that are important to them, and I wish that they

1242
01:02:20,560 --> 01:02:25,280
Speaker 2: felt that they could have those conversations in certain spaces.

1243
01:02:25,640 --> 01:02:28,000
Speaker 3: And I definitely agree with you.

1244
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:32,200
Speaker 4: I don't necessarily have like this vendetta against men. And

1245
01:02:32,240 --> 01:02:34,960
Speaker 4: this is recent because there's been a long time where

1246
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:37,320
Speaker 4: I've hated men because there's never really been a man

1247
01:02:37,360 --> 01:02:40,280
Speaker 4: in my life. Because my father is still alive. I

1248
01:02:40,320 --> 01:02:42,000
Speaker 4: didn't know where he was for a long time, but

1249
01:02:42,040 --> 01:02:45,960
Speaker 4: he's still alive, and you know, kicking, it's just there's

1250
01:02:46,000 --> 01:02:47,960
Speaker 4: never really been a man in my life that really

1251
01:02:48,000 --> 01:02:53,760
Speaker 4: had my back and you know, it caused a deep

1252
01:02:53,760 --> 01:02:57,440
Speaker 4: patriot for me in me. Yeah, you know, and I

1253
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,880
Speaker 4: can realize that. But at the same time, like you

1254
01:03:00,920 --> 01:03:03,040
Speaker 4: live and you learn, and you know, when you take

1255
01:03:03,080 --> 01:03:06,840
Speaker 4: a certain level of accountability yourself, you can see different

1256
01:03:06,880 --> 01:03:09,439
Speaker 4: aspects of a situation because it's not necessarily always black

1257
01:03:09,440 --> 01:03:11,240
Speaker 4: and white. And I do feel like a lot of

1258
01:03:11,280 --> 01:03:14,880
Speaker 4: men are put in situations where they're made from a

1259
01:03:14,920 --> 01:03:20,760
Speaker 4: young age to feel like emotions are feminine, or you know,

1260
01:03:20,800 --> 01:03:23,160
Speaker 4: they're made to feel like emotions don't have a place

1261
01:03:23,600 --> 01:03:28,440
Speaker 4: in their life, in their structure, and I can empathize

1262
01:03:28,520 --> 01:03:31,120
Speaker 4: with that, and I feel like it's kind of like

1263
01:03:31,200 --> 01:03:33,560
Speaker 4: the embedded issues that a lot of women face. It's

1264
01:03:33,640 --> 01:03:37,080
Speaker 4: just for men that's what they go through. But at

1265
01:03:37,080 --> 01:03:39,680
Speaker 4: the same time, there's a certain level of accountability also

1266
01:03:39,720 --> 01:03:44,560
Speaker 4: that I feel like as an individual it takes to

1267
01:03:45,840 --> 01:03:48,640
Speaker 4: see that and address it like the same way I

1268
01:03:48,680 --> 01:03:52,000
Speaker 4: see and address the reason why I recklessly had children.

1269
01:03:52,320 --> 01:03:55,520
Speaker 4: I feel like men have a responsibility not just to

1270
01:03:55,640 --> 01:03:58,640
Speaker 4: everybody around them, but to themselves for their own happiness,

1271
01:03:59,040 --> 01:04:01,840
Speaker 4: to see and to make accountability for why they are

1272
01:04:02,080 --> 01:04:02,959
Speaker 4: the way that they are.

1273
01:04:03,080 --> 01:04:05,000
Speaker 2: But I think that's why it goes back to your

1274
01:04:05,040 --> 01:04:08,200
Speaker 2: point of you saying earlier, like having a man and

1275
01:04:08,280 --> 01:04:10,400
Speaker 2: a woman or a mom and a dad in a

1276
01:04:10,480 --> 01:04:14,280
Speaker 2: child's life, regardless of the gender, is very important because

1277
01:04:14,280 --> 01:04:16,800
Speaker 2: there's just certain things that a woman can teach a

1278
01:04:16,920 --> 01:04:19,120
Speaker 2: child that a man can't and vice versa. And I

1279
01:04:19,200 --> 01:04:24,760
Speaker 2: think it's so important when it comes to the developmental skills,

1280
01:04:25,280 --> 01:04:25,840
Speaker 2: you know what I'm.

1281
01:04:25,680 --> 01:04:28,760
Speaker 4: Saying right right, because if I would have had a

1282
01:04:28,760 --> 01:04:31,320
Speaker 4: man in my life because my uncle, I'm not going

1283
01:04:31,400 --> 01:04:35,240
Speaker 4: to say my uncle didn't do anything like he definitely

1284
01:04:35,320 --> 01:04:38,240
Speaker 4: instilled a certain level of work ethic and values within me.

1285
01:04:38,360 --> 01:04:40,440
Speaker 2: But it was more than it comes from the person

1286
01:04:40,440 --> 01:04:41,200
Speaker 2: that made you though.

1287
01:04:41,960 --> 01:04:42,680
Speaker 3: Yeah it is.

1288
01:04:42,840 --> 01:04:45,440
Speaker 4: And it's like he was always in my life when

1289
01:04:45,480 --> 01:04:47,720
Speaker 4: I was a baby, so it's like my dad was

1290
01:04:47,760 --> 01:04:49,720
Speaker 4: never really there. He was there in the beginning from

1291
01:04:49,800 --> 01:04:52,640
Speaker 4: like maybe zero to four. But like even listening to

1292
01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:54,720
Speaker 4: my uncle, he definitely told a lot of things that

1293
01:04:54,760 --> 01:04:57,640
Speaker 4: were valuable, but it was delivered, like you said earlier,

1294
01:04:57,720 --> 01:04:59,280
Speaker 4: in the wrong way where it was kind of like

1295
01:05:00,240 --> 01:05:02,120
Speaker 4: I just do it because I say it, So this

1296
01:05:02,200 --> 01:05:04,720
Speaker 4: is what I said, and that's what I said, So

1297
01:05:04,800 --> 01:05:06,280
Speaker 4: that's what it is, and that's just how you have

1298
01:05:06,320 --> 01:05:09,480
Speaker 4: to do it, and it wasn't any explanation, so you know,

1299
01:05:09,560 --> 01:05:13,160
Speaker 4: it's hard to connect it sometimes when you don't have

1300
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:17,440
Speaker 4: a lot of reference of a positive male role model

1301
01:05:17,520 --> 01:05:21,120
Speaker 4: or influence in your life, you know, and it just

1302
01:05:21,200 --> 01:05:24,479
Speaker 4: creates it just creates all of that jumbled up shit.

1303
01:05:24,920 --> 01:05:27,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I think eventually, if you are in the

1304
01:05:27,440 --> 01:05:29,120
Speaker 2: space for it, I think you should have a conversation

1305
01:05:29,200 --> 01:05:31,280
Speaker 2: with him now because who you were an at and

1306
01:05:31,320 --> 01:05:33,560
Speaker 2: who you are now, like you are a grown woman.

1307
01:05:33,680 --> 01:05:36,360
Speaker 2: And I also think that you were able to while

1308
01:05:36,360 --> 01:05:37,560
Speaker 2: you're smiling no.

1309
01:05:37,680 --> 01:05:40,160
Speaker 4: Because it's funny you say that, because we recently did

1310
01:05:40,200 --> 01:05:40,920
Speaker 4: have a conversation.

1311
01:05:41,080 --> 01:05:43,760
Speaker 3: See, yeah, it was good. See.

1312
01:05:43,840 --> 01:05:45,600
Speaker 2: I think that when you are older, and this is

1313
01:05:45,640 --> 01:05:47,840
Speaker 2: something I tell myself, like, it's easier for me to

1314
01:05:47,880 --> 01:05:51,960
Speaker 2: be able to articulate exactly what I'm feeling and I

1315
01:05:51,960 --> 01:05:54,280
Speaker 2: could be able to receive it more opposed to when

1316
01:05:54,280 --> 01:05:56,240
Speaker 2: I was younger. And I'm not trying to hear shit

1317
01:05:56,320 --> 01:05:58,240
Speaker 2: like how I feel. It's just how I feel. You

1318
01:05:58,240 --> 01:05:58,800
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying.

1319
01:05:59,640 --> 01:06:02,120
Speaker 4: Listen, I'm trying to tell you, And that's part of

1320
01:06:02,160 --> 01:06:05,200
Speaker 4: what we talked about, and he took accountability.

1321
01:06:05,400 --> 01:06:07,760
Speaker 3: I think you know what's crazy. It's funny you say that,

1322
01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:08,120
Speaker 3: And we.

1323
01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:10,160
Speaker 4: Were just talking about like men and their emotions and

1324
01:06:10,160 --> 01:06:13,600
Speaker 4: stuff when we had that conversation. I feel like that

1325
01:06:13,640 --> 01:06:16,200
Speaker 4: conversation is what opened my eyes to a lot of

1326
01:06:16,200 --> 01:06:19,760
Speaker 4: the ways that I was being unfair see men. Yeah,

1327
01:06:19,960 --> 01:06:23,840
Speaker 4: because but you know what made that happen though, is

1328
01:06:23,880 --> 01:06:26,040
Speaker 4: the fact that when we talked and I told him

1329
01:06:26,040 --> 01:06:28,640
Speaker 4: my feelings, he didn't push me away, he didn't make

1330
01:06:28,680 --> 01:06:32,920
Speaker 4: my feelings seem irrational. He listened to me, he heard

1331
01:06:33,040 --> 01:06:36,200
Speaker 4: me out, and he took accountability.

1332
01:06:35,440 --> 01:06:36,080
Speaker 3: For his part.

1333
01:06:36,440 --> 01:06:40,280
Speaker 4: Yeah, and it's like it was like, oh my god,

1334
01:06:40,320 --> 01:06:45,160
Speaker 4: Like it opened my eyes to see, like, wow, this

1335
01:06:45,160 --> 01:06:49,520
Speaker 4: this actually feels right, you know, Like and it made

1336
01:06:49,600 --> 01:06:51,520
Speaker 4: me realize a lot of the ways, even with the

1337
01:06:51,560 --> 01:06:54,560
Speaker 4: relationships I've had in my life, like how I was

1338
01:06:54,600 --> 01:06:59,720
Speaker 4: being irrational or unreasonable for people. Just by talking to

1339
01:06:59,800 --> 01:07:02,280
Speaker 4: him and having him accept me.

1340
01:07:02,800 --> 01:07:06,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, it puts a lot of things into perspective. I

1341
01:07:06,760 --> 01:07:07,840
Speaker 2: tell you that much because.

1342
01:07:07,640 --> 01:07:07,960
Speaker 3: I know that.

1343
01:07:09,200 --> 01:07:11,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, no, I already know. So I'm happy that

1344
01:07:11,480 --> 01:07:13,680
Speaker 2: you had a conversation because I think that's important because

1345
01:07:13,720 --> 01:07:17,000
Speaker 2: I think a lot of times, like shit, life is life,

1346
01:07:17,120 --> 01:07:20,400
Speaker 2: Just be moving so fast, right, and then before you

1347
01:07:20,480 --> 01:07:22,240
Speaker 2: know it, you damn near fifty and you just look

1348
01:07:22,320 --> 01:07:23,920
Speaker 2: back and you be like, damn, I wish I would

1349
01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:27,040
Speaker 2: have handled that situation just a little bit differently. So

1350
01:07:27,400 --> 01:07:30,600
Speaker 2: I think that's a beautiful stuff. And it's also intricate

1351
01:07:30,600 --> 01:07:32,160
Speaker 2: when it comes to your healing, because, like you said,

1352
01:07:32,200 --> 01:07:35,280
Speaker 2: healing is continuous, but certain things can get you healed

1353
01:07:35,320 --> 01:07:38,280
Speaker 2: just a little bit faster, you know, right, And.

1354
01:07:38,240 --> 01:07:40,480
Speaker 4: You gotta be open to it, like you gotta let

1355
01:07:40,480 --> 01:07:43,480
Speaker 4: it come towards you, you know, because if you're against it,

1356
01:07:43,560 --> 01:07:47,320
Speaker 4: then it's not going to it's not going to make

1357
01:07:47,360 --> 01:07:49,760
Speaker 4: anything better, Like it's just going to create more blockages

1358
01:07:49,840 --> 01:07:53,400
Speaker 4: for you. And you know, I just think that that's

1359
01:07:53,480 --> 01:07:55,600
Speaker 4: where I'm at in my life, Like with everything that's

1360
01:07:55,640 --> 01:07:57,120
Speaker 4: happened and everything that's.

1361
01:07:57,040 --> 01:07:59,440
Speaker 3: Kind of made me realize the way that I feel.

1362
01:08:00,840 --> 01:08:03,320
Speaker 4: It's it's kind of unfortunate, and it's a little bit

1363
01:08:03,360 --> 01:08:05,320
Speaker 4: of a double edged sword because I can't go back

1364
01:08:05,320 --> 01:08:06,200
Speaker 4: and change the past.

1365
01:08:06,480 --> 01:08:07,040
Speaker 3: But at the.

1366
01:08:07,000 --> 01:08:09,720
Speaker 4: Same time, like moving forward, I want to be a

1367
01:08:09,760 --> 01:08:13,560
Speaker 4: totally different, more evolved version of myself. Like I feel

1368
01:08:13,560 --> 01:08:15,720
Speaker 4: like I'm a wonderful person and nobody's ever going to

1369
01:08:15,840 --> 01:08:18,080
Speaker 4: change that for me because I know my spirit. But

1370
01:08:18,800 --> 01:08:21,000
Speaker 4: I know that there are ways that I could be

1371
01:08:21,080 --> 01:08:24,080
Speaker 4: even greater and how I can improve, And that's the

1372
01:08:24,120 --> 01:08:24,879
Speaker 4: type of life.

1373
01:08:24,680 --> 01:08:26,160
Speaker 3: That I want to live moving forward.

1374
01:08:26,240 --> 01:08:30,120
Speaker 4: I don't want to be like self sabotaging anymore.

1375
01:08:30,560 --> 01:08:33,960
Speaker 2: Also, and you deserve to be in the best happiest

1376
01:08:33,960 --> 01:08:36,080
Speaker 2: space that you can be in because life is hard.

1377
01:08:37,080 --> 01:08:39,519
Speaker 2: Life is hard. I'm just curious. So if you didn't

1378
01:08:39,560 --> 01:08:41,519
Speaker 2: have children, like, what were your goals? Like, where did

1379
01:08:41,560 --> 01:08:42,400
Speaker 2: you see yourself?

1380
01:08:43,360 --> 01:08:43,479
Speaker 3: If?

1381
01:08:46,120 --> 01:08:48,519
Speaker 4: I just feel like I would have had more space

1382
01:08:48,520 --> 01:08:53,400
Speaker 4: and opportunity to kind of discover myself. I don't exactly know,

1383
01:08:53,479 --> 01:08:56,840
Speaker 4: because I was definitely into like music, performing, Like I

1384
01:08:56,920 --> 01:08:58,680
Speaker 4: definitely don't want to be in the music industry or

1385
01:08:58,680 --> 01:08:59,400
Speaker 4: anything like that.

1386
01:08:59,400 --> 01:09:02,120
Speaker 3: That is a dream that's gone long off.

1387
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:07,680
Speaker 4: But I do enjoy certain artistic and creative ventures.

1388
01:09:07,760 --> 01:09:10,120
Speaker 2: Like I really creative, y'all. I'm looking at her background.

1389
01:09:10,160 --> 01:09:13,880
Speaker 2: She has like everywhere about paintings and stuff.

1390
01:09:13,920 --> 01:09:15,479
Speaker 3: Girl, I got my paintings up there.

1391
01:09:16,880 --> 01:09:20,120
Speaker 4: I'm definitely a creative person and I really love to paint.

1392
01:09:20,280 --> 01:09:22,720
Speaker 4: I really love to like do karaoke and sing. I

1393
01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:26,840
Speaker 4: love to like create different artistic works and like just

1394
01:09:27,280 --> 01:09:29,640
Speaker 4: be a seeker of knowledge, Like I really like to

1395
01:09:30,400 --> 01:09:33,400
Speaker 4: I could read more child if I I feel like

1396
01:09:33,920 --> 01:09:37,680
Speaker 4: it's not necessarily like anything that I feel like is

1397
01:09:37,720 --> 01:09:40,759
Speaker 4: like super big. But like even now with the things

1398
01:09:40,760 --> 01:09:45,080
Speaker 4: that I do, uh, you know, with my career and

1399
01:09:45,160 --> 01:09:49,600
Speaker 4: my business and how I want to create now, it

1400
01:09:49,600 --> 01:09:52,400
Speaker 4: would be different because I wouldn't have the same experiences.

1401
01:09:52,479 --> 01:09:55,040
Speaker 4: But I feel like I may have been further along

1402
01:09:55,280 --> 01:09:57,840
Speaker 4: in a stable place in life. And that's just an

1403
01:09:57,880 --> 01:09:59,760
Speaker 4: assumption because you.

1404
01:09:59,800 --> 01:10:00,519
Speaker 3: Never I really know.

1405
01:10:00,600 --> 01:10:03,040
Speaker 4: It's like, no matter what path you choose, you usually

1406
01:10:03,120 --> 01:10:05,439
Speaker 4: end up at the same destination that you were meant

1407
01:10:05,479 --> 01:10:07,640
Speaker 4: to be at regardless.

1408
01:10:06,880 --> 01:10:09,759
Speaker 3: Fact, it's just you know, a different feat of experience, took.

1409
01:10:09,640 --> 01:10:10,400
Speaker 2: A different route.

1410
01:10:10,479 --> 01:10:13,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, exactly. You take a different route and you

1411
01:10:13,760 --> 01:10:15,160
Speaker 3: discover things along the way.

1412
01:10:15,280 --> 01:10:20,160
Speaker 4: And like, I just feel like I might have I

1413
01:10:20,240 --> 01:10:22,960
Speaker 4: always wanted to help people. I always wanted to give back.

1414
01:10:23,880 --> 01:10:25,719
Speaker 4: I feel like I might have been like some type

1415
01:10:25,720 --> 01:10:27,120
Speaker 4: of psychologists or.

1416
01:10:27,439 --> 01:10:29,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, counselor.

1417
01:10:30,520 --> 01:10:33,120
Speaker 4: And that's that's my plan. Like I want to go

1418
01:10:33,160 --> 01:10:35,360
Speaker 4: back to school. I want to live my life to

1419
01:10:35,360 --> 01:10:38,160
Speaker 4: the fullest. Like my kids, my older two kids, they're

1420
01:10:38,160 --> 01:10:40,800
Speaker 4: gonna be eighteen, soon, And that's another thing that I

1421
01:10:40,800 --> 01:10:45,400
Speaker 4: think mothers really should take into consideration. It's like sometimes

1422
01:10:45,439 --> 01:10:48,559
Speaker 4: mothers smother their kids. Sometimes mothers are helicopter moms, and

1423
01:10:49,160 --> 01:10:51,400
Speaker 4: you know, they're so focused on their children that they

1424
01:10:51,400 --> 01:10:54,760
Speaker 4: lose themselves. And I think the main thing that I

1425
01:10:54,760 --> 01:10:56,640
Speaker 4: would have done differently is just to be able to

1426
01:10:56,640 --> 01:11:02,000
Speaker 4: find myself and really know who I am, because that's

1427
01:11:02,040 --> 01:11:03,760
Speaker 4: kind of what I'm doing now. And I just think,

1428
01:11:03,840 --> 01:11:06,120
Speaker 4: you know, as a mom, like if you're listening to this,

1429
01:11:07,360 --> 01:11:10,000
Speaker 4: one day, your kids are gonna be grown up and

1430
01:11:10,200 --> 01:11:13,400
Speaker 4: they're gonna have their own things going on in life,

1431
01:11:13,479 --> 01:11:15,160
Speaker 4: and you're going to have to find a way to

1432
01:11:15,160 --> 01:11:18,080
Speaker 4: fill your time, and you don't want to be, you know, counterproductive,

1433
01:11:18,200 --> 01:11:21,360
Speaker 4: So it's good to, you know, try to get to

1434
01:11:21,400 --> 01:11:24,040
Speaker 4: know yourself along the way. Try to devote time to yourself,

1435
01:11:24,439 --> 01:11:26,080
Speaker 4: take care of yourself. I feel like I would have

1436
01:11:26,120 --> 01:11:28,000
Speaker 4: probably had more teeth in my mouth, girl, if I

1437
01:11:28,000 --> 01:11:29,720
Speaker 4: didn't have kids. I'ma be honest with you because it

1438
01:11:29,760 --> 01:11:32,200
Speaker 4: tears up your teeth.

1439
01:11:30,680 --> 01:11:35,639
Speaker 3: But I got teeth, but you can't see the ones

1440
01:11:35,680 --> 01:11:36,240
Speaker 3: I ain't got.

1441
01:11:38,720 --> 01:11:40,839
Speaker 4: And look, I'm an open book, so I'm not ashamed

1442
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:44,080
Speaker 4: of anything like My story is my story, and I've

1443
01:11:44,160 --> 01:11:46,160
Speaker 4: lived it. But there's just so many ways that I

1444
01:11:46,160 --> 01:11:49,439
Speaker 4: feel like I could have discovered myself more or just

1445
01:11:49,520 --> 01:11:51,360
Speaker 4: kind of been more self aware.

1446
01:11:51,720 --> 01:11:53,639
Speaker 3: Ye yeah, to know what it.

1447
01:11:53,560 --> 01:11:55,920
Speaker 4: Is that I really wanted if I had, you know,

1448
01:11:55,960 --> 01:11:57,679
Speaker 4: made a more responsible decision.

1449
01:11:57,880 --> 01:11:58,480
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1450
01:11:58,520 --> 01:12:00,559
Speaker 2: So what is your advice to other ones who may

1451
01:12:00,560 --> 01:12:05,680
Speaker 2: be having similar feelings of regret about motherhood.

1452
01:12:07,040 --> 01:12:09,599
Speaker 4: Definitely, do not beat yourself up about it. Number one,

1453
01:12:10,920 --> 01:12:13,559
Speaker 4: Allow your feelings to be your feelings, feel them because

1454
01:12:13,600 --> 01:12:15,880
Speaker 4: the more that you push them away, the harder is

1455
01:12:15,920 --> 01:12:19,000
Speaker 4: going to be to rationalize.

1456
01:12:18,280 --> 01:12:20,280
Speaker 3: Them and deal with them.

1457
01:12:20,320 --> 01:12:24,920
Speaker 4: So definitely, don't feel ashamed of yourself for the way

1458
01:12:24,920 --> 01:12:27,479
Speaker 4: that you feel because more than likely the reason why

1459
01:12:27,560 --> 01:12:30,599
Speaker 4: you feel that way is because you have not been supported. Yeah,

1460
01:12:31,439 --> 01:12:34,920
Speaker 4: And I feel like what I would say to mothers

1461
01:12:34,960 --> 01:12:41,559
Speaker 4: who are in that position is like, understand that you know,

1462
01:12:42,000 --> 01:12:44,040
Speaker 4: no matter what path you choose, kind of what we

1463
01:12:44,120 --> 01:12:48,439
Speaker 4: talked about, you're gonna have different situations that happen, and

1464
01:12:49,560 --> 01:12:53,120
Speaker 4: you know, try to find the blessing.

1465
01:12:53,680 --> 01:12:54,679
Speaker 3: And I know that's hard.

1466
01:12:54,680 --> 01:12:56,640
Speaker 4: When you're struggling and you ain't got no money to

1467
01:12:56,640 --> 01:12:59,200
Speaker 4: pay your bills, it's hard to see the silver lining

1468
01:12:59,240 --> 01:13:02,599
Speaker 4: in a situation, but what had really benefited my life

1469
01:13:02,600 --> 01:13:05,880
Speaker 4: and even created connections like this with me and you

1470
01:13:06,000 --> 01:13:08,800
Speaker 4: being on the Professional Homegirl podcast. It's like, now, come

1471
01:13:08,840 --> 01:13:11,880
Speaker 4: on listening, Like I never knew that I would be here,

1472
01:13:11,960 --> 01:13:16,640
Speaker 4: and I've been interviewed before, but not like in this

1473
01:13:16,840 --> 01:13:19,400
Speaker 4: monumental level way for me, like with something that's close

1474
01:13:19,439 --> 01:13:23,360
Speaker 4: to my heart so deeply like this, And I think

1475
01:13:23,400 --> 01:13:29,640
Speaker 4: that it's a sign that me being more grateful for

1476
01:13:29,840 --> 01:13:34,040
Speaker 4: the good times and the bad times allow for more

1477
01:13:34,080 --> 01:13:36,439
Speaker 4: blessings to come into my life. Because it's basically like

1478
01:13:36,680 --> 01:13:39,880
Speaker 4: whoever you believe in, you know, who you pray to.

1479
01:13:39,920 --> 01:13:45,479
Speaker 4: As an individual, It's like your choices of how you

1480
01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:48,479
Speaker 4: handle situations and how you look at situations is going

1481
01:13:48,560 --> 01:13:50,559
Speaker 4: to determine the way you view your life.

1482
01:13:50,720 --> 01:13:52,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a fact, and.

1483
01:13:53,120 --> 01:13:55,519
Speaker 4: I tell people all the time, happiness is a choice.

1484
01:13:55,560 --> 01:13:58,200
Speaker 4: So if you're a mother who's in that situation where

1485
01:13:58,240 --> 01:14:00,120
Speaker 4: you do have regrets and you wish you might, you know,

1486
01:14:00,200 --> 01:14:02,240
Speaker 4: could go back and change a few things, it's not

1487
01:14:02,360 --> 01:14:05,360
Speaker 4: wrong to feel like that, but it is your responsibility

1488
01:14:05,400 --> 01:14:07,760
Speaker 4: for you and your children to try to make the

1489
01:14:07,760 --> 01:14:10,640
Speaker 4: most out of whatever you've been dealt and as my

1490
01:14:10,760 --> 01:14:12,720
Speaker 4: mom used to say, when life gives you lemons, you

1491
01:14:12,720 --> 01:14:14,920
Speaker 4: make lemonade. And when you got too many lemons, you

1492
01:14:14,960 --> 01:14:17,640
Speaker 4: find some pie or some crust and you do so

1493
01:14:17,800 --> 01:14:19,400
Speaker 4: in it and you handle your business.

1494
01:14:19,560 --> 01:14:23,799
Speaker 2: Yes, and last, but not least, what is your advice

1495
01:14:23,920 --> 01:14:26,720
Speaker 2: you would like to give the women considering those who

1496
01:14:26,800 --> 01:14:28,400
Speaker 2: are considering becoming mothers?

1497
01:14:28,960 --> 01:14:34,200
Speaker 4: Oh? Wow, I would definitely make sure that you really

1498
01:14:35,840 --> 01:14:38,519
Speaker 4: understand if that's what you want and why you want it. Yeah,

1499
01:14:39,840 --> 01:14:43,479
Speaker 4: if you're considering becoming a mother and wanting children, why

1500
01:14:43,479 --> 01:14:46,559
Speaker 4: do you want children? Because if it's a situation like

1501
01:14:46,640 --> 01:14:49,920
Speaker 4: me where I was lonely and I wanted to have family,

1502
01:14:49,960 --> 01:14:51,679
Speaker 4: where I felt like I didn't have family, that's.

1503
01:14:51,520 --> 01:14:53,720
Speaker 3: The wrong ways. You know.

1504
01:14:53,800 --> 01:14:55,880
Speaker 4: If it's a situation where you see your friends having

1505
01:14:55,960 --> 01:14:58,600
Speaker 4: kids and everybody's getting married and having kids and you

1506
01:14:58,640 --> 01:15:00,920
Speaker 4: want to have a kid, that's the wrong choice. You

1507
01:15:00,960 --> 01:15:03,360
Speaker 4: have to really know why you want that child, And

1508
01:15:03,400 --> 01:15:05,840
Speaker 4: if you have not gone deep within yourself and really

1509
01:15:05,880 --> 01:15:08,040
Speaker 4: looked in the mirror and figured out what that reason

1510
01:15:08,160 --> 01:15:10,360
Speaker 4: is and why is there, then you might want to

1511
01:15:10,400 --> 01:15:14,040
Speaker 4: wait because it's gonna come out when you have that kid. Yeah,

1512
01:15:15,080 --> 01:15:19,160
Speaker 4: you know, so really consider it beforehand, because you know,

1513
01:15:19,400 --> 01:15:21,599
Speaker 4: not even just with the person who you're with. It's

1514
01:15:21,640 --> 01:15:24,840
Speaker 4: like consider your financial situation, because one thing about it,

1515
01:15:24,880 --> 01:15:28,280
Speaker 4: You're never gonna be completely ready, right, You're never gonna

1516
01:15:28,320 --> 01:15:29,200
Speaker 4: be completely.

1517
01:15:28,840 --> 01:15:30,320
Speaker 3: Ready, whether you're a man or a woman.

1518
01:15:30,479 --> 01:15:35,599
Speaker 4: It's something that it's literally something that is unexplainable when

1519
01:15:35,600 --> 01:15:38,240
Speaker 4: it comes to like your experience, because not only is

1520
01:15:38,280 --> 01:15:43,720
Speaker 4: everybody's experience going to be different, but everybody is a

1521
01:15:43,760 --> 01:15:46,840
Speaker 4: different person, so you never know how it's gonna affect you.

1522
01:15:47,360 --> 01:15:49,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was pregnant and I went I went to

1523
01:15:49,800 --> 01:15:50,439
Speaker 2: the chop shop.

1524
01:15:50,880 --> 01:15:54,200
Speaker 3: Because I don't blame you, not one bit.

1525
01:15:54,439 --> 01:15:57,040
Speaker 2: But the reason why is because, like I like, my

1526
01:15:57,200 --> 01:16:01,280
Speaker 2: upbringing was very challenging, and and I just did not

1527
01:16:01,360 --> 01:16:03,680
Speaker 2: want that from my child. Me and the father, me

1528
01:16:03,760 --> 01:16:06,439
Speaker 2: and the child's father, or the person got me pregnant.

1529
01:16:06,560 --> 01:16:09,040
Speaker 2: I say, we weren't together. We were just having a

1530
01:16:09,080 --> 01:16:11,720
Speaker 2: good time. He already had a thousand kids. He was

1531
01:16:11,760 --> 01:16:15,360
Speaker 2: like a professional baby daddy, and I just did not

1532
01:16:15,600 --> 01:16:18,160
Speaker 2: want that from my child, like I like you. And

1533
01:16:18,160 --> 01:16:20,680
Speaker 2: also I just wasn't financially secure, like I think that

1534
01:16:21,240 --> 01:16:23,719
Speaker 2: I always wanted to make sure that regardless of what happened,

1535
01:16:23,720 --> 01:16:26,640
Speaker 2: me and my child was good. M hm. So I

1536
01:16:26,680 --> 01:16:29,960
Speaker 2: definitely agree with you, Like you gotta really like figure

1537
01:16:30,000 --> 01:16:32,960
Speaker 2: out what is your reasons why, because it's having a

1538
01:16:33,040 --> 01:16:35,280
Speaker 2: child is no joke, Like that's not that's a big

1539
01:16:35,320 --> 01:16:36,880
Speaker 2: responsibility and.

1540
01:16:37,200 --> 01:16:39,519
Speaker 4: You can't give that child to nobody, and you shouldn't

1541
01:16:39,520 --> 01:16:41,880
Speaker 4: want to. And if you like that, this is the

1542
01:16:41,920 --> 01:16:46,720
Speaker 4: thing I would suggest too. Go into a I don't know,

1543
01:16:46,800 --> 01:16:50,679
Speaker 4: but go into a maybe a you know, a child

1544
01:16:50,760 --> 01:16:54,439
Speaker 4: care facility. If you cant volunteer with kids. Yeah, uh,

1545
01:16:54,479 --> 01:16:58,880
Speaker 4: do some type of volunteering at summer camp. Okay, because

1546
01:16:58,920 --> 01:17:01,120
Speaker 4: I know it's a lot of kids at summer camp.

1547
01:17:01,240 --> 01:17:05,479
Speaker 4: But get get some get some familiarity about yourself about

1548
01:17:05,479 --> 01:17:08,639
Speaker 4: what you're about to go into because you know, babysit

1549
01:17:08,800 --> 01:17:12,160
Speaker 4: somebody else's kids. Like, do something if you if you

1550
01:17:12,320 --> 01:17:15,040
Speaker 4: know people in need, or maybe you could sign up

1551
01:17:15,080 --> 01:17:17,479
Speaker 4: for care dot com. I don't know, do something to

1552
01:17:17,520 --> 01:17:20,880
Speaker 4: where you can familiarize yourself with the duties and responsibilities

1553
01:17:20,880 --> 01:17:23,680
Speaker 4: and the emotional and mental states that you're going to

1554
01:17:23,680 --> 01:17:25,800
Speaker 4: be placed in when you're in that position as much

1555
01:17:25,840 --> 01:17:28,800
Speaker 4: as possible, because that's really gonna determine and show you

1556
01:17:28,880 --> 01:17:32,880
Speaker 4: if you have the capacity as a woman to be

1557
01:17:32,920 --> 01:17:34,400
Speaker 4: able to deal with those things.

1558
01:17:34,560 --> 01:17:35,280
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1559
01:17:35,720 --> 01:17:38,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, so you know, just try to be as prepared

1560
01:17:38,200 --> 01:17:40,200
Speaker 4: as possible, but know that you're not gonna know everything

1561
01:17:40,240 --> 01:17:41,240
Speaker 4: and you won't be prepared.

1562
01:17:41,600 --> 01:17:41,880
Speaker 3: Right.

1563
01:17:42,160 --> 01:17:43,639
Speaker 2: I feel like I conversation with by.

1564
01:17:43,640 --> 01:17:46,760
Speaker 3: Fast Oh my god, Yes, I had such a good time.

1565
01:17:46,840 --> 01:17:49,600
Speaker 3: This was a great conversation girl. Oh my god. We

1566
01:17:49,600 --> 01:17:50,920
Speaker 3: can talk about so many things.

1567
01:17:51,080 --> 01:17:53,439
Speaker 2: No, this was so good. I'm so happy that we

1568
01:17:53,439 --> 01:17:56,640
Speaker 2: were able to make this happen. And Nicki and my

1569
01:17:56,720 --> 01:17:58,360
Speaker 2: handy did not stop us.

1570
01:17:58,479 --> 01:18:01,760
Speaker 4: Listen, and NICKI was trying trying to get into some things.

1571
01:18:01,880 --> 01:18:06,240
Speaker 2: Okay, yes, but I really appreciate your transparency and just

1572
01:18:06,720 --> 01:18:08,839
Speaker 2: you wanted to come on and just share your story.

1573
01:18:09,000 --> 01:18:11,240
Speaker 2: And I know that this is going to resonate with

1574
01:18:11,320 --> 01:18:14,880
Speaker 2: a lot of people, including women obviously, So I appreciate you,

1575
01:18:14,920 --> 01:18:16,080
Speaker 2: sus I really do.

1576
01:18:16,680 --> 01:18:19,040
Speaker 4: Of course, and I appreciate you for having me, and

1577
01:18:19,360 --> 01:18:21,839
Speaker 4: that's what I want. I want the story to resonate

1578
01:18:22,400 --> 01:18:23,599
Speaker 4: and be able to help somebody.

1579
01:18:23,680 --> 01:18:25,439
Speaker 3: So I feel like we accomplished the goal.

1580
01:18:25,800 --> 01:18:28,400
Speaker 2: Yes, And to the listeners, if you have any questions,

1581
01:18:28,439 --> 01:18:30,479
Speaker 2: comments and concerns, please make sure to follow me at

1582
01:18:30,479 --> 01:18:35,800
Speaker 2: Hello at thepsgpodcast dot com and until next time, everyone

1583
01:18:36,840 --> 01:18:47,680
Speaker 2: later right. The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of

1584
01:18:47,720 --> 01:18:51,520
Speaker 2: the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,

1585
01:18:51,760 --> 01:18:54,760
Speaker 2: visit the iHeartRadio app, app, a podcast, or wherever you

1586
01:18:54,800 --> 01:18:57,600
Speaker 2: listen to your favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and

1587
01:18:57,800 --> 01:19:00,200
Speaker 2: rate the show, and you can connect with me on

1588
01:19:00,240 --> 01:19:02,400
Speaker 2: social media at the PhD Podcast