Speaker 1: And so if you're still experiencing what you think is grief,
Speaker 1: I'm here to tell you it's not grief anymore. Now
Speaker 1: it's self inflicting, self deprecating depression. And that is Oh,
Speaker 1: here comes the worst part about this. That is narcissism.
Speaker 2: What's up, guys, Welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 1: Thanks for being here, watching, listening wherever you're coming from
Speaker 1: Episode to twenty seven. Thank you for everyone that has
Speaker 1: taken this journey for so long with me. I believe
Speaker 1: this podcast started in twenty seventeen, so we're looking at
Speaker 1: as real time right now, we're looking at about seven
Speaker 1: years of this. So man, I love you guys, and
Speaker 1: I love the opportunity to just real talk. No edits,
Speaker 1: no clicks, no notes, no quotes in front of me,
Speaker 1: no books that I'm discussing here, just answering your questions.
Speaker 1: If you have one for me, email podcast at grangersmith
Speaker 1: dot com. We'll walk through it like we're sitting around
Speaker 1: a campfire. This first question comes from Morgan. It says, Hey, Granger,
Speaker 1: I love listening to the podcast. I'm twenty one years old,
Speaker 1: I'm from Tennessee, and I am starting to realize a
Speaker 1: reoccurring thought of a guy that I no longer talk to.
Speaker 1: In the beginning, I was relieved that the situation was
Speaker 1: over and did not think much of it. It has
Speaker 1: been at least five months now. However, the past month
Speaker 1: or so he has come to mind often. I realize
Speaker 1: it is something I need to take to God and
Speaker 1: ask him about. As I do, I'd love to hear
Speaker 1: your take on it. Normally, if someone comes to mind,
Speaker 1: I'll pray for them and reach out to them if
Speaker 1: i'm thinking about them. I have done both. He did
Speaker 1: not respond when I reached out. He is still a
Speaker 1: thought in the back of my mind, and I'm so
Speaker 1: confused about it. There is such great vice, great advice
Speaker 1: in each episode, and I hope to hear back on
Speaker 1: this topic. Thank you all right kicking it off with Morgan,
Speaker 1: I appreciate you, And look, I'm not always right on
Speaker 1: this stuff. I'd just like to answer like we're two friends.
Speaker 1: Maybe we're sitting sitting in the cap of a truck
Speaker 1: or sitting sitting around a campfire, and we talk through this,
Speaker 1: and so I hear these questions for the first time,
Speaker 1: and there's not always.
Speaker 2: The right answer.
Speaker 1: Except for you, except for this one. Morgan, you got
Speaker 1: look the guy says, the guy is gone, right, and
Speaker 1: you reach out to him and he doesn't respond. That
Speaker 1: is enough. That is an answer in itself. He might
Speaker 1: not have responded with words, but he responded clearly with
Speaker 1: no words. And it means I don't want to talk.
Speaker 1: For whatever reason, I've moved on, I don't. I don't
Speaker 1: want to talk or have anything to.
Speaker 2: Do with you.
Speaker 1: You're twenty one, You're from Tennessee, and you say all
Speaker 1: you say, right, is there is a guy I no
Speaker 1: longer talk to. I think that's all we know about
Speaker 1: this guy. But look, Morgan, this is, first of all,
Speaker 1: it's normal. Let's acknowledge this. This is a normal feeling
Speaker 1: that you're having. And when he doesn't reply, it also
Speaker 1: triggers something in your mind that it kind of thinks,
Speaker 1: what why is he not replying?
Speaker 2: Is he hurt? Is he injured?
Speaker 1: Did he get in a car accident? And he's he's
Speaker 1: ran off a cliff and no one knows where he is.
Speaker 1: And if I, if I find him, then you know
Speaker 1: that maybe I'll be the one to be able to
Speaker 1: rescue him. No, that's not what this is. He doesn't
Speaker 1: want to talk to you.
Speaker 2: Anymore.
Speaker 1: And look, you say, I'll pray. I've been praying, and
Speaker 1: I need to take this to God. Look you're getting
Speaker 1: in a clear answer from God and everyone else.
Speaker 2: That the guy's moved on, so you should too.
Speaker 1: Next question comes from Anonymous, and it says, hey, Granger,
Speaker 1: I lost my twenty one year old son on December
Speaker 1: fourteenth of last year. It was unexpected, and we put
Speaker 1: him to bed and he never woke up. I have
Speaker 1: two other children, a three year old daughter and a
Speaker 1: seven month old baby. My fear is that I won't
Speaker 1: ever be able to have joy with my other children
Speaker 1: ever again. All I see is him not being there.
Speaker 1: How do I balance the pain of losing my two
Speaker 1: year old with making new memories with my other children?
Speaker 2: Also? Does this pain ever subside? Thank you all right, Anonymous.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, and unfortunately I could I know this
Speaker 1: and I could relate. The first thing I would say
Speaker 1: is we're going to answer kind of your question in
Speaker 1: parts here. And your first question is how do I
Speaker 1: balance losing my two year old with making new memories
Speaker 1: with my other children? Well, that's the answer to that
Speaker 1: question is. First of all, you don't you're not trying
Speaker 1: to plan next year. You're not trying to plan five
Speaker 1: years from now. You're not You're not trying to get
Speaker 1: a ten year plan. You're not trying to figure out
Speaker 1: when you're gonna go to Disney World when they're preteens.
Speaker 1: All you have to do is work on today. And
Speaker 1: the reason I say that is because pain comes in waves,
Speaker 1: and sometimes you're going to feel okay. And on those days,
Speaker 1: you have a three year old daughter and a seven
Speaker 1: month old baby. On those days, you'd be as present
Speaker 1: as you can with them, and when you get you
Speaker 1: get down on the carpet, you know, in their room
Speaker 1: and their bedroom, and you get lost with your three
Speaker 1: year old and you start having conversations with her, and
Speaker 1: sure you might break up and start crying a little bit,
Speaker 1: and it's okay for her to see you crying, and
Speaker 1: you could say I miss your little brother, and that's okay.
Speaker 1: And then other days you might not bring it up
Speaker 1: at all because it doesn't it doesn't cross your mind
Speaker 1: to tell her that.
Speaker 2: And so my point is if you if you work.
Speaker 1: Day by day instead of week by week or year
Speaker 1: by year, you just work day by day and sometimes
Speaker 1: just hour by hour, then I promise you the days
Speaker 1: will go by and you'll start collecting good days along
Speaker 1: with the bad ones. The problem is, what you'll realize
Speaker 1: is that sometimes you'll be laughing with your kids and
Speaker 1: there's a thought, an evil thought, that comes in your
Speaker 1: head that says, how dare you laugh with these kids
Speaker 1: when they lost a sibling and you lost a son.
Speaker 1: And I want to tell you right now, Anonymous, that
Speaker 1: that is that feeling is the enemy. It is a lie,
Speaker 1: and it is here to steal your joy. And so
Speaker 1: you reject that thought, and he say, no, no, I
Speaker 1: me having joy and laughing with my kids does not
Speaker 1: compete against the grief of losing my son. They can
Speaker 1: coexist at the same time. And listen, I don't have
Speaker 1: to convince you that you could probably already think back
Speaker 1: as you listen to this podcast of many times when
Speaker 1: that's already happened, when you've you've felt joy and you
Speaker 1: laugh genuine I mean, three year olds are kids you
Speaker 1: want to laugh all the time. They say funny things,
Speaker 1: they do funny things. And I'm sure you have seen
Speaker 1: your daughter say or do something funny and you've smiled,
Speaker 1: and whether or not you felt guilty about it, I
Speaker 1: want to tell you that that smile can coexist with
Speaker 1: the grief of losing your son. They could both exist.
Speaker 2: In your mind.
Speaker 1: There's no reason why you should feel guilty about that.
Speaker 1: And then the last question is for you, does the
Speaker 1: pain ever subside? And the answer is absolutely yes. There
Speaker 1: might be people that tell you no, I've heard those
Speaker 1: people and I still hear those people. They say, losing
Speaker 1: a child is a loss, it's a pain that never
Speaker 1: goes away. Well to those people, I will say, there's
Speaker 1: a problem. If you truly believe, and it has been
Speaker 1: maybe decades and I've heard this, that the pain of
Speaker 1: losing a child never subsides, then there's something else wrong
Speaker 1: because you're now past you're past the appropriate time to grieve,
Speaker 1: and now you're in self deprecation mode and you're in
Speaker 1: depression grief just like you know, you get.
Speaker 2: The flu, right and you.
Speaker 1: Cough, and you have this bacterial infection in your lungs
Speaker 1: with the flu, and then that can turn into pneumonia.
Speaker 1: Pneumonia is not the flu, but as the flu lingered
Speaker 1: too long, it manifested into pneumonia. And grief and loss
Speaker 1: can manifest into depression if it's not dealt with correctly
Speaker 1: and So if you're still experiencing what you think is grief,
Speaker 1: I'm here to tell you it's not grief anymore.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: It's self inflicting, self deprecating depression. And that is oh,
Speaker 1: here here comes the worst part about this. That is narcissism.
Speaker 1: And it's like, whoa hold, what do you say? Did
Speaker 1: you say that my self deprecation and my depression from
Speaker 1: losing a loved one is narcissism? I'm saying it could
Speaker 1: become that yet, because it could become where all you
Speaker 1: think about is yourself, not in a good way, but
Speaker 1: in a bad way. All you think is poor me,
Speaker 1: poor me, because of this. I don't have this because
Speaker 1: of that, I have missing out on this. My life
Speaker 1: is not the way it should have been because of this.
Speaker 1: And what that is is just me, me, me, me me.
Speaker 1: It's narcissism. That's what it becomes. So let me answer
Speaker 1: the question. Finally, does the pain ever subside? Absolutely?
Speaker 2: It does. The memory and.
Speaker 1: The love and this sting from the loss itself exist
Speaker 1: as you move forward with it, and it becomes less
Speaker 1: and less painful as you look back on it. That's
Speaker 1: a healthy way of moving forward with that loved one.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: So you don't do that by forgetting them. You don't
Speaker 1: do that by wishing them away or carrying with them
Speaker 1: like they're like they're an idol and a shrine. You
Speaker 1: don't do it either of those ways. But if you
Speaker 1: could work away where you're remaining present, playing with your
Speaker 1: other kids, living moment to moment with those kids, finding
Speaker 1: joy in those moments with those kids, then you'll notice
Speaker 1: the seconds go by, the minutes go by, hours, the days,
Speaker 1: the weeks, the months, and then the years. And you
Speaker 1: collect enough years and you look back and you go,
Speaker 1: I don't hurt as bad. I still remember, and I
Speaker 1: still feel, and I still have moments, but it's not
Speaker 1: all sad anymore. In fact, now when I look back
Speaker 1: at my son, I'm talking to you, anonymous, you'll smile
Speaker 1: more than you cry. You could do this, and that's
Speaker 1: a healthy way to grieve, it is. Next question comes
Speaker 1: from Elizabeth hey Gringer. My name is Elizabeth. I'm thirty five.
Speaker 1: My husband and I recently found out that someone who
Speaker 1: we have been close friends with was a registered sex offender.
Speaker 1: Not only have we become friends with the person, but
Speaker 1: our son has also become closer friends with this person's
Speaker 1: son as well. This person has served their time and
Speaker 1: I'm told they no longer are on the registry. However,
Speaker 1: it has changed the dynamic of our friendship. We are
Speaker 1: believers and so this yes, and so is this person.
Speaker 1: We completely believe in redemption and that God can change
Speaker 1: hearts and can take people out of bondage. But are
Speaker 1: we wrong for setting boundaries for our family based on
Speaker 1: what we are comfortable with. We are praying for God's
Speaker 1: wisdom as we move forward in our friends and in
Speaker 1: our friends with this person and the rest of the family.
Speaker 1: Thanks for your time. We love your music into preaching.
Speaker 1: Thanks Elizabeth. Yeah, that's a great question, Elizabeth. Thank you
Speaker 1: for asking it and bringing up a you know, an
Speaker 1: interesting topic. And we've said this before in this podcast,
Speaker 1: but there we know that there's a difference between forgiveness
Speaker 1: and love and how God changes hearts. There's a difference
Speaker 1: between those things, and then there's a separation in trust,
Speaker 1: right because we trust is earned and we have to
Speaker 1: be responsible with who we give it to. We can
Speaker 1: give freely our forgiveness, and we can give freely our love,
Speaker 1: but but trust we give limited amounts of as it's earned,
Speaker 1: and that that would be my advice to you is
Speaker 1: when you're if it was just you and you're you're
Speaker 1: hanging out with this person, that's one thing maybe, but
Speaker 1: with your children involved, it becomes it becomes difficult. And
Speaker 1: now your obligation to protect your children and prepare them
Speaker 1: for the world is now greater than the desire to
Speaker 1: make friends and keep them. You're gonna have to You're
Speaker 1: gonna have to wrestle with that because those two priorities.
Speaker 1: Being friends with someone, being loving, being a good neighbor
Speaker 1: is not equal to I need to also protect my
Speaker 1: child from a registered sex offender or an unregistered sex offender,
Speaker 1: even if they seem recovered. The protecting your child from
Speaker 1: possible danger is greater than your trust of a neighbor.
Speaker 1: Not your love, not your forgiveness, that's different, but your
Speaker 1: trust of that neighbor. So you're gonna have to have
Speaker 1: great discernment. And I think it's absolutely right that you're
Speaker 1: setting boundaries. I think that's part of your question, and
Speaker 1: I think you're absolutely right, and there would be no
Speaker 1: objection from the Smith family if that was the situation
Speaker 1: we saw. Next question comes from Kurt, and it says,
Speaker 1: dear Granger, I sent this question for I sent in
Speaker 1: this question good paying job versus ministry position that y'all
Speaker 1: answered in episode two to two, and that got me really emotional.
Speaker 1: I remember that was with Bernie, and Kert goes on
Speaker 1: to say, I just want to say thank you for
Speaker 1: all your advice and your insights, and I apologize for
Speaker 1: getting Bernie choked up, but thank you for not cutting
Speaker 1: and for that raw emotion and his heart.
Speaker 2: It really moved me.
Speaker 1: I truly believe that I'm I am an ambassador for
Speaker 1: Christ and whatever area I work, So thank you for
Speaker 1: that word, Granger. I walked away from the podcast feeling convicted,
Speaker 1: as my prayer life has not been consistent and is
Speaker 1: an area of my life that I.
Speaker 2: Want to grow in.
Speaker 1: So that's great getting a getting a follow up to
Speaker 1: a question that was That was an impactful podcast episode
Speaker 1: two twenty two because Bernie, who's a regular guest on here,
Speaker 1: got really emotional, so much so that he couldn't speak anymore.
Speaker 1: And that's the first time I've seen it in all
Speaker 1: these episodes, the first time I've seen a guest or
Speaker 1: me get so choked.
Speaker 2: Up that they could not speak anymore.
Speaker 1: So Kurt I'm glad you heard that, and I'm glad
Speaker 1: that you reached back out that it means a lot
Speaker 1: to me.
Speaker 2: Let's hit another question here.
Speaker 1: A question says, Hey, Granger, I emailed about a month
Speaker 1: ago about me and this girl. We recently split our
Speaker 1: separate ways, but this has taken me. Our relationship was
Speaker 1: something else, so it's very rough to part ways with
Speaker 1: someone I have found so special. I need some tips
Speaker 1: on how to get out of this dark place. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to follow your email. This comes from Carter from
Speaker 1: the state of Wisconsin.
Speaker 2: He says, so.
Speaker 1: Recently split up with this girl and you said our
Speaker 1: relationship with something else, So it's very rough to part
Speaker 1: ways with someone that I found so special, and I
Speaker 1: need some tips on how to get out of this
Speaker 1: dark place.
Speaker 2: Okay, first tip is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it feels like we haven't done this in a while,
Speaker 1: but my first tip is block her on everything. Block
Speaker 1: her on Instagram and Facebook and anything else you're following
Speaker 1: her on and on your phone.
Speaker 2: Block her on your phone.
Speaker 1: If the relationship is truly done, which it's come on,
Speaker 1: it sounds like it is. You don't want to see her,
Speaker 1: You don't want to see her pop up on your
Speaker 1: feed saying something or messaging you in a week time,
Speaker 1: knowing that it's just going to end up going back
Speaker 1: the way that it was, and to protect your heart
Speaker 1: in this kind of situation, it's necessary. It might seem rude.
Speaker 1: If you feel better about it, probably wouldn't reckon in this.
Speaker 1: But if you feel better about it, message her, text
Speaker 1: her and say just to let you know, I'm going
Speaker 1: to block you on everything and it's not personal. I
Speaker 1: just need to move on and not seeing you will
Speaker 1: help with that, and then blocker before she could reply blocker.
Speaker 1: If you feel convicted enough to do it. I probably
Speaker 1: wouldn't even recommend that. I wouldn't even do it myself.
Speaker 1: I would just go ahead and block her on everything
Speaker 1: and she'll know eventually it's not personal. But that's the
Speaker 1: first step in your healing. Is you don't want to
Speaker 1: see her. I don't know your situation. I don't know
Speaker 1: if you see her every day. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you see I don't know if you work with her
Speaker 1: or see her in your small town. But I would
Speaker 1: I would let that time go by and just know
Speaker 1: that the time as.
Speaker 2: It rolls, as it ticks on, you'll get better. And
Speaker 2: you'll get better.
Speaker 1: I promise you, Carter, time will heal In this scenario.
Speaker 1: You can't always say that, can't always just go yeah,
Speaker 1: time heels. But in this situation, if you block her
Speaker 1: out of sight, out of mind, out of heart, time
Speaker 1: goes by.
Speaker 2: And you'll get better. I promise.
Speaker 1: It was a long time ago that I started grangersmith
Speaker 1: dot com. Since that website launched into the world was
Speaker 1: in two thousand and two, twenty two years. First of all,
Speaker 1: could we just think for a second how crazy it
Speaker 1: is that two thousand and two was twenty two years ago. Well,
Speaker 1: since then, that website has evolved so much. I remember
Speaker 1: when we first started selling a T shirt that was
Speaker 1: probably two thousand and five. Music was probably four, and
Speaker 1: things really didn't start picking up at all until maybe
Speaker 1: two thousand and six, and I was still just selling
Speaker 1: it right out of my house, coming out of the
Speaker 1: cabinets in my kitchen.
Speaker 2: My mom was helping me.
Speaker 1: It's crazy to think that back then I had no vision.
Speaker 1: I hoped, I had expectation, but I had no vision
Speaker 1: for what that online store would become.
Speaker 2: And it became ee dot com.
Speaker 1: Now, when you're creative and you're making creative things you
Speaker 1: don't think so much about the technology behind it. And
Speaker 1: that's where Shopify came in and really really helped our
Speaker 1: company grow from those early days in the kitchen to
Speaker 1: now having the ee farm. Shopify is the global commerce
Speaker 1: platform that helps you at every single stage of your business.
Speaker 1: And it doesn't matter what that business is, whether you're
Speaker 1: selling scented soap or outdoor apparel like EEE. Shopify helps
Speaker 1: you sell everywhere, from their all in one e commerce
Speaker 1: platform to their in person POS system. Wherever or whatever
Speaker 1: you're selling.
Speaker 2: Shopify has got you covered.
Speaker 1: They do all the behind the scenes stuff that take
Speaker 1: it all out of your hands so you could do
Speaker 1: what you do best and be creative and come up
Speaker 1: with the product. And meanwhile they're turning browsers into buyers.
Speaker 1: With the internet's best converting checkout thirty six percent better
Speaker 1: on average compared to other leading commerce platforms. You could
Speaker 1: sell more with less effort thanks to shopify Magic, your
Speaker 1: AI powered all star at all stages of growth, from
Speaker 1: the kitchen to the EEE farm, Shopify is there for you.
Speaker 1: Shopify powers ten percent of all e commerce in the
Speaker 1: US and Shopifies the global force behind all birds rothis Broke,
Speaker 1: lennen Eee, and millions of other entrepreneurs of every size
Speaker 1: across one hundred and seventy five countries plus Shopify as
Speaker 1: award winning help is there to support your success every
Speaker 1: step of the way, because businesses that grow grow as
Speaker 1: Shopify sign up for a one dollar per month trial
Speaker 1: period at shopify dot com slash granger all lowercase. Go
Speaker 1: to shopify dot com slash granger now to grow your
Speaker 1: business no matter what stage you're in shopify dot com
Speaker 1: slash granger. If you want to get a hold of me,
Speaker 1: maybe a video message. You know, you know I could
Speaker 1: do that. People all the time are like, hey, can
Speaker 1: you send me a video message? I'm like, I got
Speaker 1: an easy thing for you to do. Go to cameo
Speaker 1: dot com. That's cam Eo Cameo dot com slash granger
Speaker 1: Smith or just search for me on that website or
Speaker 1: the app, and I'll suit you a video message based
Speaker 1: on what you tell me to do. So it's like, hey, Granger,
Speaker 1: can you please tell my brother in law happy birthday.
Speaker 1: He's a fan of you, and make fun of him
Speaker 1: a little bit because he's a bad fisherman.
Speaker 2: And I read that and I'm.
Speaker 1: Like cool, I get off my phone, turn on the
Speaker 1: camera and it's like, Hey, John, your brother in law
Speaker 1: wanted me to give you a shout.
Speaker 2: I know it's your birthday.
Speaker 1: One of these days I need to give you a
Speaker 1: phishing lesson whatever it might be, Hey, any kind of occasion.
Speaker 1: The message could be you two, but I will send
Speaker 1: you that straight from my phone. Just go to cameo
Speaker 1: dot com slash Granger Smith. Next question comes from Justin.
Speaker 1: It says, Hey Granger, I'm justin IM from Athens, Alabama.
Speaker 2: I like a woman that is in jail a lot
Speaker 2: due to drugs.
Speaker 1: My friends tell me to leave her alone, and I
Speaker 1: want to, but my heart tells me that I need
Speaker 1: to stick around and help her because she obviously doesn't
Speaker 1: have the friends that she needs and I want to
Speaker 1: be there for her.
Speaker 2: Please give me some advice.
Speaker 1: And if I do read this, if you do read
Speaker 1: this email, I want to thank you for your time.
Speaker 1: Christ Is King and yee please come back to northern
Speaker 1: Alabama all right. Justin appreciate you, buddy. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for emailing. And you know this answer is not
Speaker 1: difficult to give, but difficult to hear. This girl is
Speaker 1: not right for you. And I'll tell you why. In
Speaker 1: a romantic relationship, you are looking for a life partner
Speaker 1: that is going to partner with you. I mean, you said,
Speaker 1: christ Is King, You're going you want a life partner
Speaker 1: that's going to be your ministry partner in life, that's
Speaker 1: going to be your your your partner with raising kids.
Speaker 2: You want to see eye to.
Speaker 1: Eye on on schools and and issues that come with
Speaker 1: raising kids and jobs and finances. You need someone you
Speaker 1: can lean on, someone you could trust, someone that in
Speaker 1: good times and tough times and joyful times, she's steady right,
Speaker 1: as steady as she should be. And that's not this girl.
Speaker 1: And the problem is, really there's a difference between you're
Speaker 1: looking for a life partner that's going to you're looking
Speaker 1: for a job applicant that's going to be your assistant,
Speaker 1: your assistant manager of your household, right, And so to
Speaker 1: look for an assistant manager of your household, you don't
Speaker 1: go after drug addicts that go to jail. That would
Speaker 1: never happen if you were running a company and you're
Speaker 1: looking like I'm looking for an assistant manager to help
Speaker 1: run this facility, then somebody says, hey, have you checked
Speaker 1: the jail. Have you looked at anyone in and out
Speaker 1: of jail doing drugs, you'd say you look at them
Speaker 1: like they're crazy. But because she's probably cute and you
Speaker 1: like her because she's pretty and you get along with her,
Speaker 1: you see her as a project and you're getting rewarded
Speaker 1: when you feel like you're helping this project.
Speaker 2: So the problem.
Speaker 1: Is that in a in a friend situation, this sounds
Speaker 1: like a great opportunity to help a friend and to
Speaker 1: help revitalize them and help help show them how to
Speaker 1: move forward in life and to to get off these
Speaker 1: drugs and to stay out of jail. That's that's a
Speaker 1: good project. But not for your your co manager, not
Speaker 1: for your life partner, right, So you got to and
Speaker 1: because of that, and because you have an emotional attraction
Speaker 1: to her, you got to cut this off. And it's
Speaker 1: really tough because you'll you'll immediately start thinking that if
Speaker 1: you cut her off, she's going to get worse and
Speaker 1: she's gonna go off the deep end. And the hard
Speaker 1: reality is that's not your problem in that way, because
Speaker 1: it is your problem if you're if you're trying to
Speaker 1: help recover a friend, but you're also trying to find
Speaker 1: find the mother of your children.
Speaker 2: So you see the problem.
Speaker 1: That's why it's not your problem, because you're looking for
Speaker 1: the mother of your future children, Lord Willing, and you
Speaker 1: don't want a drug addict in and out of jail.
Speaker 1: So you're getting this dopamine kick by helping her, and
Speaker 1: it feels good.
Speaker 2: And and she's like, oh.
Speaker 1: You're no one else cares about me, and no one
Speaker 1: else speaks to me or or does the things that
Speaker 1: you do for me. I don't have anybody in my
Speaker 1: life like you, so thank you so much. And you think, wow,
Speaker 1: this is I'm a hero. Like here I come night
Speaker 1: on the white Horse, save in the day and it
Speaker 1: feels good. All of us like the puffer chick stuff
Speaker 1: a little bit and go, yeah, this is good. I
Speaker 1: feel really great about this. But not for the future
Speaker 1: mother of your children. You got to break this off,
Speaker 1: justin you have to break this off.
Speaker 2: Next question.
Speaker 1: Sub decline is patience says hey Granger, and my name
Speaker 1: is Jackie, and I am having a really difficult time lately,
Speaker 1: and I have no one to turn to. I'm thirty
Speaker 1: five years old, I have three kids that live at home,
Speaker 1: which I homeschool. I'm married to a long haul truck
Speaker 1: driver who is home on the average of three to
Speaker 1: four days a month. I have minimal friends, all that
Speaker 1: live in either other states as we've all moved a bunch,
Speaker 1: and I do not have many close relationships with any
Speaker 1: of my family members. To say that I'm overwhelmed, lonely,
Speaker 1: and incredib burnout is an understatement of the century. The
Speaker 1: last couple of years, I have found peace, joy, and
Speaker 1: religion through gardening and reconnecting with the earth. As for
Speaker 1: the last year, I've had this overwhelming feeling of wanting
Speaker 1: to go home, and this feeling of just knowing that
Speaker 1: we are supposed to buy land and start our own farm,
Speaker 1: finally get my husband off the road, and then back
Speaker 1: with our family. But my husband feels the same way. However,
Speaker 1: It's been one thing after another preventing us from getting
Speaker 1: started on that path. It just feels like every path
Speaker 1: through our future is blocked and I'm not sure what
Speaker 1: to do. What I'm really struggling with is this calling
Speaker 1: to go home and knowing that that call is coming
Speaker 1: from my God, but not understanding the path to get there.
Speaker 1: How could you know wholeheartedly what your God wants from you,
Speaker 1: but have the patience to wait for the right path
Speaker 1: to show itself, especially when you are incredibly miserable in
Speaker 1: the life you're currently living. Thank you for any thoughts
Speaker 1: you have, and I appreciate you, Jacqueline, she calls herself Jackie. Okay,
Speaker 1: great email and a lot to unpack here. You know,
Speaker 1: let's dive into this and it's multi layered, and let
Speaker 1: me find a starting spot here. I want to point
Speaker 1: out that every time she said god, it's a god
Speaker 1: or my god in its lowercase G, and it implies, Jackie,
Speaker 1: you're implying that you have a god and I have
Speaker 1: a god. Okay, So we'll start kind of there, and
Speaker 1: my question would be this, do you think they are
Speaker 1: multiple gods? And do those multiple gods kind of going
Speaker 1: back to the last email, do they kind of co
Speaker 1: manage the earth? And they like one god has a
Speaker 1: certain amount of people and the other god has got
Speaker 1: another amount of people. And your god apparently speaks through gardening.
Speaker 1: That's your religion, you say, mother Earth. Okay, So I
Speaker 1: reject all that, and maybe that's not what you think,
Speaker 1: but I reject all that. All that thought. If there
Speaker 1: is a god, there is only one, and if there
Speaker 1: is only one God, then he is.
Speaker 2: Let me stop there. He is everything. There's no way
Speaker 2: other way around it.
Speaker 1: If there were, you know, hypothetically, if there were a
Speaker 1: God in this email scenario that wasn't all powerful or
Speaker 1: all knowing or all planning or all sovereign or all providential.
Speaker 1: If there wasn't, if he wasn't any of those things
Speaker 1: are all good, that he wouldn't be God. You know,
Speaker 1: he would be maybe like a Marvel Marvel character or something.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but he wouldn't be God and he
Speaker 1: and he if he wasn't all that, then he would
Speaker 1: have a creator himself, or he would have a father himself. Right,
Speaker 1: this is a weird rabbital for some reason I got into.
Speaker 1: But I'm trying to walk down the path because I
Speaker 1: believe this is a strange email because of the lowercase
Speaker 1: G and this idea. Okay, where else was I going
Speaker 1: to go? Let me collect correct my my brain here? Oh,
Speaker 1: I know I know where it's going to go. The
Speaker 1: idea that you're that there is home that you're being
Speaker 1: called to and you're not there now, but it's out there,
Speaker 1: and then you go at the last sent it says,
Speaker 1: especially when you're living an incredibly miserable life. So in
Speaker 1: other words, Jackie, you are painting a picture of this
Speaker 1: calling that mother Earth, God is calling you to and
Speaker 1: you feel a sense of home, and you're living a
Speaker 1: miserable life. Now, well that's interesting because if you walk
Speaker 1: down that path a little bit. C. S. Lewis had
Speaker 1: this idea that if we have a sense that there
Speaker 1: is something greater than any desire we could possibly achieve
Speaker 1: here on this earth, then we must not be from
Speaker 1: this earth, and all of us can testify. No matter
Speaker 1: who you are, no matter what you believe, your conscience
Speaker 1: betrays you because you have felt at some point a
Speaker 1: feeling that there has to be something better than this,
Speaker 1: especially if you look at like celebrities and people that
Speaker 1: have achieved a lot, or that have a lot of
Speaker 1: money or have the world and still seem unhappy and
Speaker 1: uncontent and like they can't quite get what they want.
Speaker 1: It's like that you two songs still haven't found what
Speaker 1: I'm looking for. That testifies that maybe there is something
Speaker 1: else out there.
Speaker 2: Maybe we don't belong.
Speaker 1: To this life right, like, maybe there is something bigger
Speaker 1: and something greater to look forward to. A Christian would
Speaker 1: say it's a longing for heaven. And Christians know that
Speaker 1: we it's healthy to cultivate a longing for heaven because
Speaker 1: we could satisfy that desire that you have.
Speaker 2: Right now and we can go.
Speaker 1: I'm struggling right now, but I know I'm not home,
Speaker 1: and I know that I have a cultivated longing for heaven,
Speaker 1: and because of that, there is a contentment that comes
Speaker 1: with this life now, Like I have a sense of
Speaker 1: contentment here and I know that I have a purpose here,
Speaker 1: and I don't have to think that maybe Mother Earth,
Speaker 1: God is calling me to garden in another place with
Speaker 1: my husband, with land and acreage, and that's gonna make
Speaker 1: everything better. Like if I just go to this land
Speaker 1: and garden with my kids and my husband gets finally
Speaker 1: gets off the road, then I'll be happy. Then this
Speaker 1: miserable life will be worth living. You know, Jackie, you
Speaker 1: know that is not true. You have all the data.
Speaker 1: We have all the data points and the evidence that
Speaker 1: testifies against that idea that the grass.
Speaker 2: Is not greener.
Speaker 1: It doesn't take much to know, to talk to people,
Speaker 1: to see on TV, to watch to read history. The
Speaker 1: grass always seems greener, and it is not true. So
Speaker 1: what you're left with is if you know the grass
Speaker 1: is not greener, that this life doesn't exist, that hypothetically
Speaker 1: you go and you just live this life and it's
Speaker 1: all better because you know you're listening to Mother Earth God.
Speaker 1: If you know that that's not true, you're left with
Speaker 1: a really big problem. You're left with the incredible of
Speaker 1: your words, the incredibly miserable life that you're currently living.
Speaker 1: What do you do about that. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: go too much in depth because I do a lot
Speaker 1: on this podcast and I always like to go a
Speaker 1: little bit different directions sometimes, especially for the people that
Speaker 1: listen all the time. But I'll go this email, I'll
Speaker 1: go this way. This god you're you're referring to, and
Speaker 1: we already kind of had this discussion about if there
Speaker 1: is one god or multiple gods, there can't be multiple gods.
Speaker 2: It can't.
Speaker 1: It cannot happen because one would have to exist before another.
Speaker 1: If there was thousands of gods, there would have to
Speaker 1: be one that bird the other gods there, they couldn't
Speaker 1: all have come into existence at the same time. In fact,
Speaker 1: if any of them came into existence, then they also
Speaker 1: wouldn't be God. The only being that would qualify to
Speaker 1: be God is a being that didn't come into existence.
Speaker 1: It always was, and always is and always will be God.
Speaker 1: Nothing else makes sense. And the idea that there is
Speaker 1: no God also doesn't make any sense because something can't
Speaker 1: come from nothing. And so if anything, if something exists,
Speaker 1: anything exists, it had to have come from something, because
Speaker 1: everything comes from something. And so if there is anything,
Speaker 1: it had to have come from something, and that something
Speaker 1: has to be God. And if if it came from God,
Speaker 1: then God has to be the only thing that has
Speaker 1: always pre existed. Like this is not this is not
Speaker 1: deep theology, this is not deep systematic religion, whatever. This
Speaker 1: is just just thinking. We're thinking around the campfire, right.
Speaker 1: It's a good it's a good discussion in the cab
Speaker 1: of a truck. And so here's here's my point, Jackie.
Speaker 1: If there is one God, which we I think I
Speaker 1: just made an argument for, don't you think that God
Speaker 1: would have made a way to communicate with its creation
Speaker 1: or do you think God made its creation and let
Speaker 1: it spin out of control? And wonder if there's a
Speaker 1: map in the stars or something in the dirt of
Speaker 1: the earth that leads like national treasure, This strange cryptic
Speaker 1: roadmap to happiness instead of living a miserable life. If
Speaker 1: you dig deep enough in this garden, you'll find the
Speaker 1: secret hidden that leads you if you follow closely to
Speaker 1: a secret life that's waiting for you with some acreage
Speaker 1: and a husband that's not on the road, and this
Speaker 1: cryptic God leaves these breadcrumbs.
Speaker 2: Does that sound right to you?
Speaker 1: Once again talking about all knowing, all powerful, all sovereign,
Speaker 1: pre existed before everything. Don't you think that being that
Speaker 1: God through his creation would make a way to communicate
Speaker 1: with them. That's what I want you to chew on
Speaker 1: and then come back next week. Chew on that, think
Speaker 1: about it, Jackie, and let's talk. Next question says, hey, Grae,
Speaker 1: I'm seeking your advice on how to leave someone you love.
Speaker 1: I'm twenty four and I've been in an on and
Speaker 1: off relationship with my boyfriend for ten years. We grew
Speaker 1: up together and he is my first everything. As a
Speaker 1: young couple, we picked up toxic behavehavior that we've been
Speaker 1: fighting to break free of the last five years. We
Speaker 1: have been really worried or excuse me, We've been really
Speaker 1: working hard on us and overcoming many obstacles However, I
Speaker 1: can no longer deny the fact that he isn't my forever.
Speaker 1: He isn't a bad man. He is my best friend.
Speaker 1: He is very kind giving, and I know we'll be
Speaker 1: an amazing husband slash father someday. We're in the middle
Speaker 1: of building our first house together. However, our religious beliefs, standards,
Speaker 1: and worth ethics do not line up, and we still
Speaker 1: fall into old, toxic habits more than I'd like. I
Speaker 1: now have a wondering eye for something better, and I
Speaker 1: know that that's not fair to either of us. I
Speaker 1: had a wife. I had a wife mentality of not
Speaker 1: leaving him although we are not legally married. What does
Speaker 1: it mean to feel like it's still a sin to
Speaker 1: leave even though you're not married. I don't want to
Speaker 1: hurt him. I love him, So how.
Speaker 2: Do I leave?
Speaker 1: I appreciate your I appreciate your time and feedback, and
Speaker 1: for all that you do. You've encouraged me and strengthened
Speaker 1: my relationship with God, and that is a gift I
Speaker 1: could never repay you for. I'd like to remain anonymous.
Speaker 1: Recapping from a brain here. Anonymous, twenty four years old
Speaker 1: in a ten year relationship with your boyfriend. You guys
Speaker 1: are your first everything. We all understand what you mean
Speaker 1: by that. And I'm trying to find are you living? Oh,
Speaker 1: you're building hang on a second.
Speaker 2: Last five years, on and off. I get it.
Speaker 1: You don't like him anymore. You love him, but you
Speaker 1: don't like him, right that old saying he isn't bad.
Speaker 1: To get it, to get it, he's going to be
Speaker 1: amazing for someone. I get it. You're in the middle
Speaker 1: of building a house. Why why are you building a
Speaker 1: house together? I don't understand that.
Speaker 2: You're different.
Speaker 1: You got different religions, different standards, different worth ethics. Why
Speaker 1: can't I say that anytime it comes up? Old habits toxic?
Speaker 1: You have a wondering eye, you have a not leaving mentality,
Speaker 1: you're not legally married. And then you come back to
Speaker 1: saying you're getting stronger with God and you don't want
Speaker 1: this to be a sin to leave. Okay, this is
Speaker 1: weird and I gotta be honest with you. Anonymous, your
Speaker 1: sinate says, what does it mean to feel like it's
Speaker 1: sin to leave even though you're not married. It's not
Speaker 1: sin to leave, it's sin to stay in this situation.
Speaker 1: Think about that for a second. It's not sin to leave,
Speaker 1: it's sin to stay. I don't want to hurt him.
Speaker 1: Irrelevant say I don't want to hurt him. That's irrelevant
Speaker 1: because guess what you're doing hurting him by staying. See,
Speaker 1: that's the problem. It's not that you don't want to
Speaker 1: hurt him. That's not the that's not the issue, because
Speaker 1: if you loved him, you'd tell him the truth and
Speaker 1: you would break this off as quickly as possible, pulling
Speaker 1: a band aid off. But that's not the case. It's
Speaker 1: not that you don't want to hurt him, it's that
Speaker 1: you don't want to see him hurt by you and
Speaker 1: feel bad and guilty about it. This is really about you, Sorry,
Speaker 1: but it is. This is about you. This is about
Speaker 1: you wanting to hang on, check out, just in case
Speaker 1: maybe you're maybe you're wrong, like maybe he's going to
Speaker 1: get better, maybe things will start lining up a little
Speaker 1: bit better. He was your first everything, so that's kind
Speaker 1: of convenient to keep the first one and around you
Speaker 1: know that way, you don't have to have to explain
Speaker 1: that to other people other relationships. But the truth is,
Speaker 1: it's not about hurting him. This is about you, because
Speaker 1: you're absolutely hurting him. Right now, you're hurting him by
Speaker 1: emailing me saying I'm in a toxic relationship. We're building
Speaker 1: a house together, and I want to leave, and you're
Speaker 1: hurting him by not telling him this. So your question
Speaker 1: is how do I leave? Well, it depends on how
Speaker 1: brave you are, because if you're brave, you will set
Speaker 1: up a meeting and you will you'll say, look, you'll
Speaker 1: lookim right in the eye, and you'll sit across from
Speaker 1: each other in two chairs, and you'll put your hands
Speaker 1: on his knees and you'll say, I love you.
Speaker 2: You know that.
Speaker 1: But I can no longer do this relationship. I'm going
Speaker 1: to be moving on and there's no chance of us
Speaker 1: getting back together. It's nothing you did, It's just I
Speaker 1: have fallen out of believing that this is going to work.
Speaker 1: There's too many factors, religion, standards, worth that ethic.
Speaker 2: I can still can't say that. Worry y'all.
Speaker 1: They don't line up. And I know we're building a house,
Speaker 1: so that makes things complicated. I want to do X
Speaker 1: y Z to pull myself out of this contract or
Speaker 1: if your name's on it and I need to move on, Look,
Speaker 1: my heart is I don't want to hurt you, and
Speaker 1: I realize that dragging it out is hurting you. The
Speaker 1: longer I go hurts you worse. So please hear my heart.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you in this very specific, blunt, truthful way
Speaker 1: so that you have a fair chance at moving on,
Speaker 1: finding someone and becoming a great husband and great father,
Speaker 1: which I know you will. Okay, and then you say
Speaker 1: I love you, and this is goodbye, And at that
Speaker 1: point love means just love because they're an image bearer
Speaker 1: of God and they're a friend. But it's not romantic love.
Speaker 2: Okay. That's what you do. If you're brave.
Speaker 1: If you're not so brave, you send a text message,
Speaker 1: in a phone call FaceTime. If you're less brave than that,
Speaker 1: you leave a letter, and you leave like an old
Speaker 1: country music song. And if you're less brave than that,
Speaker 1: you disappear, which you can't do anymore because of social media.
Speaker 1: So you owe after ten years, you owe him a
Speaker 1: face to face conversation, and you owe.
Speaker 2: Him this as soon as possible.
Speaker 1: And I appreciate all of You'll thank you so much
Speaker 1: for email, and if you have a question for me,
Speaker 1: email podcast at grangersmith dot com and we'll see you
Speaker 1: next month. Thanks for joining me on the Grangersmith podcast.
Speaker 1: I appreciate all of you guys. You could help me
Speaker 1: out by rating this podcast on iTunes. If you're on YouTube,
Speaker 1: subscribe to this channel. Hit that little like button and
Speaker 1: not of Fication spell so that you never miss any
Speaker 1: time I upload a video.
Speaker 2: YI