WEBVTT - Why You are Experiencing Dating Burnout & 3 Practical Tips to Stop Having Repeated Disappointments in Dating 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:06.800 Let's be honest. Life is stressful, its work, its relationships, 0:00:06.840 --> 0:00:09.240 and the state of the world. But there's a way 0:00:09.280 --> 0:00:10.959 to bring that stress level down. 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:11.920 Calm. 0:00:12.160 --> 0:00:14.640 It's the number one app for mental wellness with tons 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:19.200 of content to manage anxiety, promote concentration, and help you unwind. 0:00:19.520 --> 0:00:22.880 There's music, meditation, a more Calm makes it easy to 0:00:22.920 --> 0:00:27.400 de stress. You can literally do a one minute breathing exercise. Personally, 0:00:27.600 --> 0:00:31.040 I love the soundscapes. Nothing like a little rain on 0:00:31.160 --> 0:00:34.559 leaves to help soothe my nervous system. I've actually been 0:00:34.560 --> 0:00:36.640 working with Calm for a couple of years now, and 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:38.760 I'd love for you to check out my series on 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:44.519 reducing overwhelm eight short practices Quick Relief. Right now, listeners 0:00:44.520 --> 0:00:47.680 of On Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to 0:00:47.720 --> 0:00:52.080 Calm Premium at Calm dot com. Forward slash j that's 0:00:52.120 --> 0:00:57.800 c LM dot com Forward slash jay for forty percent off. 0:00:57.920 --> 0:01:01.560 Calm your Mind, Change your life. You may say I 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:03.360 don't believe in love at first sight, but there's a 0:01:03.360 --> 0:01:05.880 part of you that does. Because if you don't like 0:01:05.920 --> 0:01:08.560 someone at first sight, you don't give them a second glance. 0:01:09.000 --> 0:01:10.959 You don't give them a second chance. You don't give 0:01:11.000 --> 0:01:13.880 them a second opportunity. You think, oh, I've seen that 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:16.960 person swipe. You know, I've seen this profile a million times. 0:01:17.000 --> 0:01:21.560 I'm drained, I'm not seeing anyone new. I'm bored right. 0:01:22.400 --> 0:01:25.280 Forty one percent report falling in love with someone they 0:01:25.360 --> 0:01:27.240 didn't initially find attractive. 0:01:27.680 --> 0:01:32.000 The Number one health and Wellness podcast, Jay set Jay Sety. 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:39.720 Jous Hey, everyone, welcome back to on Purpose. It is 0:01:39.800 --> 0:01:41.800 so great to be back with you. Thank you so 0:01:41.959 --> 0:01:47.760 much for tuning in. If you are someone who's dealing 0:01:48.000 --> 0:01:52.240 with dating burnout, this episode is for you. If you've 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:56.440 become exhausted dealing with all of the challenges that come 0:01:56.480 --> 0:01:59.480 with dating, this episode is for you. Or if you 0:01:59.520 --> 0:02:02.440 have a friend and a family member, a sister or 0:02:02.440 --> 0:02:05.200 a brother, whoever it may be in your life that's 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:10.640 struggling with dating, finding the one, finding their person, this 0:02:10.919 --> 0:02:15.320 episode is for you. I want to start off by 0:02:15.680 --> 0:02:21.400 saying that I think it's pretty obvious that people feel 0:02:21.440 --> 0:02:26.240 burned out from dating. A Forbes Health survey says that interestingly, 0:02:26.480 --> 0:02:29.840 women feel more burnt out than men just by a 0:02:29.840 --> 0:02:33.560 little bit. Eighty percent reporting feeling some level of burnout, 0:02:33.880 --> 0:02:36.320 compared to seventy four percent of men. 0:02:36.960 --> 0:02:37.240 Now. 0:02:37.440 --> 0:02:42.240 When respondents were asked what was their reason for being 0:02:42.280 --> 0:02:45.080 burnt out, I want you to hear these. The Forbes 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:48.760 Health survey goes on to say the biggest reason is 0:02:48.840 --> 0:02:51.960 the inability to find a good connection with someone else, 0:02:52.440 --> 0:02:56.440 with forty percent of all respondents saying that. It goes 0:02:56.480 --> 0:02:58.919 on to say that this is followed by being disappointed 0:02:58.960 --> 0:03:03.600 by people twenty five percent, feeling rejected twenty seven percent, 0:03:04.120 --> 0:03:09.640 having repetitive conversations while chatting with multiple matches twenty four percent, 0:03:10.280 --> 0:03:14.160 swiping twenty two percent, and simply the time spent using 0:03:14.240 --> 0:03:19.120 the apps twenty one percent. This episode is all about 0:03:19.200 --> 0:03:24.680 helping you start dating again in a healthy, productive, effective 0:03:24.720 --> 0:03:28.000 way so that you're not feeling all of this now. 0:03:28.720 --> 0:03:32.119 I want to start off by just acknowledging that it's 0:03:32.160 --> 0:03:36.280 important to recognize that dating burnout is a natural response 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:41.360 to an overwhelming or unsatisfying series of experiences. If you've 0:03:41.360 --> 0:03:44.640 been on countless dates that led nowhere, or you've been 0:03:44.680 --> 0:03:49.040 in relationships that drained you emotionally, it's understandable that you 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:53.240 might feel reluctant to put yourself out there again. Burnout 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:57.960 often stems from unmet expectations, repeated disappointments as we've discussed, 0:03:58.440 --> 0:04:02.480 and the pressure to find a partner quickly. It's essential 0:04:02.520 --> 0:04:07.040 to acknowledge these feelings rather than suppress them, and accepting 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:09.840 that you're burned out is the first step that we 0:04:09.920 --> 0:04:15.080 can take in this process. Now, I've been working with 0:04:15.240 --> 0:04:19.599 Match as their relationship advisor because I'm so committed to 0:04:20.000 --> 0:04:22.120 wanting to help people find love, and this is an 0:04:22.160 --> 0:04:25.840 area that I believe people need so much more help 0:04:25.839 --> 0:04:28.400 because it's not something we learned at school, it's not 0:04:28.520 --> 0:04:31.240 something that our family has the best advice on, and 0:04:31.279 --> 0:04:34.640 the truth is there isn't a perfect formula. But what 0:04:34.760 --> 0:04:37.720 I will share in this episode is how you can 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:43.720 get closer to having better matches, less disappointments, and more success. 0:04:44.520 --> 0:04:49.039 Now for Matches thirteenth annual Singles in America study, they 0:04:49.240 --> 0:04:53.200 asked all the questions about self worth, relationships, and love, 0:04:53.600 --> 0:04:58.520 and over five thousand singles across the country answered in detail. 0:04:58.920 --> 0:05:01.760 What I found really interest about this is that they 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:05.960 found what singles have also learned to suss out makes 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:10.520 an unhealthy relationship. So the four things that people notice 0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:15.599 that actually lead to an unhealthy relationship are one, poor 0:05:15.640 --> 0:05:21.359 communication forty five percent, two lack of trust forty two percent, 0:05:22.279 --> 0:05:28.040 three cheating an infidelity thirty eight percent, and four emotional 0:05:28.080 --> 0:05:31.839 maturity thirty six percent. Now, the reason why this is 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:35.359 so important is that one of the things we say 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:38.040 is that we have an inability to find a good 0:05:38.080 --> 0:05:41.159 connection with someone else. That's one of our reasons for 0:05:41.240 --> 0:05:45.239 being disappointed in dating. Now here's the truth. It's actually 0:05:45.320 --> 0:05:48.320 more rare to find love than it is to not. 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:52.160 And so we've actually got an approach dating with a 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:55.599 higher resilience, with a high with a thicker skin, with 0:05:55.720 --> 0:05:58.240 the ability to deal with the fact that it's like 0:05:58.320 --> 0:06:00.800 applying for a job in the sense that there's a 0:06:00.800 --> 0:06:03.760 lot of applicants, there's not a lot of spaces, and 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:07.200 it takes time. And often the reason why it's so 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:09.800 difficult when it comes to dating is because it feels 0:06:10.120 --> 0:06:14.400 so personal. It feels like it's because of how I look, 0:06:14.839 --> 0:06:17.400 It's because of a habit I have, It's because I'm 0:06:17.440 --> 0:06:19.839 not over my ex yet, It's because I'm dealing with 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:24.280 this or that. Right, we make it so deeply personal, 0:06:24.960 --> 0:06:30.600 we make it so critical and judgmental of ourself, and 0:06:30.680 --> 0:06:33.719 so in order to improve this, I want you to 0:06:33.800 --> 0:06:38.920 recognize that after a date, I want you to just 0:06:39.160 --> 0:06:42.640 as critical you are about yourself, I want you to 0:06:42.640 --> 0:06:45.320 be as positive. I want you to share what you think, 0:06:45.400 --> 0:06:47.760 did what you did well? Because here's what we often do. 0:06:48.160 --> 0:06:51.960 We're trying so hard to be interesting. We're trying so 0:06:52.160 --> 0:06:55.400 hard to make the other person like us that we 0:06:55.520 --> 0:06:58.520 don't know if we're interested in them, and we don't 0:06:58.520 --> 0:07:01.240 know if we like them. We're trying so hard to 0:07:01.279 --> 0:07:05.640 get some validation in that they'll think we're cool, we're interesting, 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:10.120 we're fascinating, you know, whatever it is, trendy, whatever it 0:07:10.200 --> 0:07:13.680 might be. And we're trying so hard to do that 0:07:13.680 --> 0:07:17.200 that we don't actually think, well, did I like that person? 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:20.480 Did I think they were interesting? Did I connect with them? 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:22.480 And that's if we like them. Now, if we don't 0:07:22.520 --> 0:07:26.280 like them, we often disengage immediately, and I find that 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:30.080 that's training too. We lose out on the ability to practice, 0:07:30.480 --> 0:07:34.040 to have a great conversation, to connect in a more 0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:37.360 friendly way with someone. And what we're doing is we're 0:07:37.400 --> 0:07:39.520 now spending an hour way in our head thinking I 0:07:39.560 --> 0:07:42.720 can't wait to leave. That thought of I can't wait 0:07:42.760 --> 0:07:45.880 to leave is the extreme opposite to, I hope I 0:07:45.920 --> 0:07:49.080 can impress this person, and both of them are draining 0:07:49.640 --> 0:07:53.400 because one is acting and performing and the other is 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:56.880 just surviving and trying to get through something instead of 0:07:56.960 --> 0:07:59.360 just saying, Hey, I may not be interested, but let 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:01.840 me at least have a time, at least try and connect, 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:04.680 let me learn, let me try out a few questions 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:07.760 that I've thought might be useful, and hey, maybe I'll 0:08:07.800 --> 0:08:11.040 actually find this person interesting. Now, when we go back 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:16.200 to these four red flags of poor communication, lack of trust, cheating, infidelity, 0:08:16.280 --> 0:08:20.400 or emotional immaturity, three out of four of these we 0:08:20.480 --> 0:08:23.520 can spot quite quickly, and I find that we often 0:08:23.560 --> 0:08:27.920 ignore these. For example, if someone has poor communication, it's 0:08:27.960 --> 0:08:30.360 pretty obvious in the beginning. If someone's going to be 0:08:30.400 --> 0:08:33.040 late for a day and they don't notify you. If 0:08:33.360 --> 0:08:35.400 someone doesn't respond for a few days and then they're 0:08:35.440 --> 0:08:39.000 active again, but they keep repeating that pattern, it's a 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:40.720 great way to set up with someone. Hey, how often 0:08:40.760 --> 0:08:44.600 do we think we'll both be replying here? Because what 0:08:44.720 --> 0:08:47.200 I find these days is it's so easy to get distracted, 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:50.160 and often people are genuinely busy, they've got so much 0:08:50.160 --> 0:08:53.600 going on, But oftentimes we're lazy, And the truth is, 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:55.640 you don't want to be with someone lazy. You don't 0:08:55.640 --> 0:08:58.480 want to be with someone who's not actually present with you, 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:01.600 and you can suss that out quick. This is the 0:09:01.640 --> 0:09:05.040 way you know if you can trust someone. Do they 0:09:05.160 --> 0:09:10.160 keep their promises to you? And even more importantly, do 0:09:10.240 --> 0:09:14.520 they keep their promises to themselves? When they say they're 0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:18.200 going to do something for you or for them? Do 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:21.480 they follow up? Do they live up to it? Do 0:09:21.559 --> 0:09:25.040 they back it up with action? And the fourth one, 0:09:25.080 --> 0:09:29.920 emotional maturity, is a really really important one to look 0:09:29.960 --> 0:09:35.720 at because I think that you can tell whether someone's 0:09:36.080 --> 0:09:43.000 emotionally mature by their ability to handle difficult, conflict based, 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:47.520 tension based conversations, or difficult scenarios. There may be something 0:09:47.520 --> 0:09:50.520 that you run in with with a host at a 0:09:50.559 --> 0:09:54.160 restaurant or at the bar. It could be how they 0:09:54.200 --> 0:09:57.319 deal with someone else behind them who pushed them when 0:09:57.320 --> 0:09:59.280 they walked in, or whatever it may be. It could 0:09:59.280 --> 0:10:01.960 be someone getting an order wrong, like you can see 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:05.200 how someone deals with it and what their nature is, 0:10:05.320 --> 0:10:08.880 what their disposition is, what their demeanor is when going 0:10:08.920 --> 0:10:11.440 through that. Now, again, when we go back to the 0:10:11.520 --> 0:10:15.280 dating burnout point of this idea that forty percent of 0:10:15.320 --> 0:10:18.880 people feel they didn't find a good connection with someone. 0:10:19.080 --> 0:10:20.679 The match Report goes on. 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:24.240 To share of really important statistics, and if this is 0:10:24.240 --> 0:10:28.640 the only statistic you take away from this episode, that's 0:10:28.679 --> 0:10:31.880 great for me, because listen to this, forty one percent 0:10:32.400 --> 0:10:38.040 report falling in love with someone they didn't initially find attractive. 0:10:39.080 --> 0:10:41.760 I think a lot of our dating burnout comes from, 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:46.439 as we said, swiping. Twenty two percent said that, another 0:10:46.480 --> 0:10:50.360 one is feeling disappointed by people thirty five percent maybe 0:10:50.400 --> 0:10:53.640 they don't look like we thought they would look. When 0:10:53.679 --> 0:10:56.880 you think about those, there's nothing wrong with that. But 0:10:57.440 --> 0:11:00.360 forty one percent report falling in love with some they 0:11:00.400 --> 0:11:04.840 didn't initially find attractive. I feel like we write so 0:11:04.960 --> 0:11:08.679 many people off. We don't give the person a second glance. 0:11:09.200 --> 0:11:11.520 We don't give the person a second chance. It's almost 0:11:11.559 --> 0:11:14.840 as if we believe in love at first sight. Like 0:11:14.880 --> 0:11:16.920 you may say, I don't believe in love at first sight, 0:11:17.000 --> 0:11:19.360 but there's a part of you that does. Because if 0:11:19.360 --> 0:11:21.560 you don't like someone at first sight, you don't give 0:11:21.559 --> 0:11:24.439 them a second glance. You don't give them a second chance, 0:11:24.480 --> 0:11:26.319 you don't give them a second opportunity. 0:11:26.920 --> 0:11:28.760 You think oh, I've seen that person swipe. 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:32.520 Oh yeah, I mean, you know, I've seen this profile 0:11:32.559 --> 0:11:33.240 a million times. 0:11:33.240 --> 0:11:37.840 I'm drained. I'm not seeing anyone new. I'm bored. Right. 0:11:39.120 --> 0:11:41.600 I've met people in real life to who tell me 0:11:42.760 --> 0:11:45.480 when they first were introduced to their partner, they didn't 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:46.280 find them attractive. 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:48.320 They didn't think they were their type. 0:11:48.400 --> 0:11:51.680 And it was their personality, it was the way they engaged, 0:11:52.160 --> 0:11:54.200 it was all the other things that won them over. 0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:57.360 And I think so many people are missing out on 0:11:57.400 --> 0:12:03.720 a wonderful opportunity because we're valuing superficial initial interaction. Now 0:12:03.760 --> 0:12:05.520 I'm not saying you shouldn't be attracted to your partner. 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:08.440 That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that 0:12:08.520 --> 0:12:12.760 attraction is beyond what you see, and especially for a 0:12:12.800 --> 0:12:16.120 healthy relationship, if you're looking for a long term relationship, 0:12:16.600 --> 0:12:20.800 there's so much more than the superficial that makes someone attractive. 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:27.040 Kindness makes you more attractive, Joy and optimism make you 0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:31.719 more attractive. The ability to solve problems and be analytical 0:12:31.760 --> 0:12:32.880 can make you attractive. 0:12:33.640 --> 0:12:34.400 Wanting to have an. 0:12:34.280 --> 0:12:38.480 Adventure and discover and explore can make you attractive. There 0:12:38.520 --> 0:12:43.360 are so many attractive traits beyond how someone looks that 0:12:43.400 --> 0:12:47.960 can make them attractive and actually a healthy partner. Don't 0:12:47.960 --> 0:12:53.360 miss out on them because you still subconsciously believe in 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:58.000 love at first sight. Give people a second glance, give 0:12:58.040 --> 0:13:02.720 people a second chance, because forty one percent of people 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:07.560 fall in love with someone they didn't initially find it attractive. 0:13:08.240 --> 0:13:12.000 And this goes back to another reason why people feel 0:13:12.040 --> 0:13:14.959 burnt out and dating. Twenty percent of people said they 0:13:14.960 --> 0:13:19.600 feel a pressure to present themselves in a certain way. 0:13:20.320 --> 0:13:23.760 And I think this hits very closely to why I 0:13:23.800 --> 0:13:27.760 partnered up with Match, And what I really found was 0:13:28.040 --> 0:13:33.559 I wanted to create a space where people could connect based. 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:34.319 On their values. 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:37.200 And this was really really important to me because I 0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:41.240 feel that everything I'm saying here is because we don't 0:13:41.400 --> 0:13:47.000 realize that our core values have such a big impact 0:13:47.120 --> 0:13:50.600 in terms of long term success. If you ignore core values, 0:13:50.679 --> 0:13:53.320 you're thinking in the next five months. If you take 0:13:53.400 --> 0:13:56.200 on core values, you're living in the next five years. 0:13:56.640 --> 0:14:00.360 And for anyone who's interested and invested in building a 0:14:00.480 --> 0:14:05.320 long term, long lasting, powerful relationship, this mindset is huge. 0:14:05.960 --> 0:14:09.520 Ninety three percent of Match members say that shared core 0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:16.480 values are a crucial indicator of relationship success. Now this 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:20.800 helps connect, It helps not have to present yourself in 0:14:20.840 --> 0:14:24.680 a certain way. It helps you be yourself and be 0:14:24.800 --> 0:14:26.720 your authentic self. It goes back to the point I 0:14:26.760 --> 0:14:30.760 was making that if you're only trying to hope that 0:14:30.800 --> 0:14:34.520 you come across as interesting, then you're not getting to 0:14:34.800 --> 0:14:37.200 share your values. But if you're sharing your values and 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:39.320 allowing for what happens to happen, and I think that's 0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:43.960 the key. The draining part is performing right rehearsing, it's 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:47.120 not as draining as performing. If you're practicing a good conversation, 0:14:47.280 --> 0:14:49.400 if you're learning about yourself, if you're learning about the 0:14:49.440 --> 0:14:52.520 other person, if you're curious to get to know someone, 0:14:53.400 --> 0:14:55.720 you can actually learn some amazing stories. You can learn 0:14:55.760 --> 0:14:57.920 some amazing things. But if you go there and you 0:14:57.960 --> 0:15:01.360 go this person is or isn't the one, not only 0:15:01.360 --> 0:15:04.280 have you put pressure on yourself to perform, you've now 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:06.920 put pressure on them to perform, And now you have 0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:10.840 pressure to present yourself in a certain way, which makes 0:15:10.880 --> 0:15:13.560 it a draining process. And I know it's scary to 0:15:13.600 --> 0:15:15.880 put yourself out there because you're thinking, well, what if 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:18.120 this person doesn't like me and they tell other people whatever? 0:15:18.160 --> 0:15:18.720 It may be. 0:15:19.640 --> 0:15:22.000 The truth is, when it comes to the person you 0:15:22.080 --> 0:15:25.320 end up with, it won't matter. It really won't matter. 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:28.920 I promise you, when it comes to someone who really 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:33.640 connects with you, it won't matter. And so if you 0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:37.960 want to know your top three core values, I want 0:15:38.040 --> 0:15:42.040 you to head over to www. Dot match dot com 0:15:42.080 --> 0:15:46.640 forward slash Quiz. Go to match dot com forward slash Quiz. 0:15:47.040 --> 0:15:49.240 Take the quiz. It will only take a few moments 0:15:49.560 --> 0:15:53.280 and you'll get the answer to your top three values. Now, 0:15:53.320 --> 0:15:56.640 the reason why this is important is because it helps 0:15:56.640 --> 0:15:59.680 you guide what you're looking for. So often, what happens 0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:01.880 when you meet someone on date is you experience the 0:16:01.920 --> 0:16:05.440 halo effect. The halo effect is because they went to 0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:08.640 a good college, you believe that they're really smart. 0:16:08.640 --> 0:16:11.560 When it comes to love, the. 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:14.040 Fact that they have a feature, a physical feature that 0:16:14.080 --> 0:16:17.600 you find attractive, you now believe they're more trustworthy. We 0:16:17.640 --> 0:16:20.960 do this all the time. We ascribe and give people 0:16:21.520 --> 0:16:26.000 qualities and attributes that we don't know that they possess yet. Whereas, 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.840 when you know your three core values, not only can 0:16:28.880 --> 0:16:31.640 you present and share them, you can look out and 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:35.440 try to understand their values. And by the way someone's 0:16:35.560 --> 0:16:39.920 values are what makes them valuable as a partner. When 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:45.480 in relationship, you're really sharing values and vision. Right, Do 0:16:45.560 --> 0:16:47.720 I like the way this person looks at the world, 0:16:48.120 --> 0:16:50.240 And even if I don't, can we have a great 0:16:50.240 --> 0:16:53.800 discussion about it because we have good values of respect, 0:16:54.200 --> 0:16:58.480 of honesty, of openness. I find so many of us 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:03.320 miss out on great relationships or we cause ourselves future 0:17:03.440 --> 0:17:07.399 pain because we don't know our values today. The reason 0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:10.920 so many of us deal with people treating us poorly 0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:15.480 or accepting disrespect is because we didn't figure out their 0:17:15.560 --> 0:17:19.040 values early on, and we didn't figure out our values 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:22.879 early on either. I want you to try this quiz www. 0:17:23.040 --> 0:17:28.040 Dot match dot com forward slash quiz. Take it because 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:32.040 it will really save you so much stress and so 0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:33.439 much burnout in dating. 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:34.280 Now. 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:37.560 Even though a lot of people may say that dating 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:42.520 apps can be challenging, Forbes Health survey found that individuals 0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:45.520 thirty nine percent actually felt more confident using dating apps, 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:48.959 thirty three percent felt more attractive, and twenty four percent 0:17:49.320 --> 0:17:52.960 felt more wanted as a result of them. Now, these 0:17:52.960 --> 0:17:55.840 are all positive signs, especially being burnt out from dating. 0:17:55.880 --> 0:17:59.560 It's a positive sign and one of the reasons why 0:17:59.560 --> 0:18:02.879 we put the values feature in at match was to 0:18:02.920 --> 0:18:05.320 help give you direction. I think one of the reasons 0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:07.680 when you're using lots of apps and it's all about 0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:09.720 trying to be interesting and interested and all the rest 0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:11.720 of it, it can become quite overwhelming. 0:18:12.160 --> 0:18:15.520 So my recommendation is used one app. The burnout part 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:16.639 is using. 0:18:16.400 --> 0:18:21.200 Too many apps and staying in the conversation zone. If 0:18:21.200 --> 0:18:23.520 you stay in the conversation zone, as we said, you 0:18:23.560 --> 0:18:25.600 have lots of chats going on at the same time. 0:18:26.320 --> 0:18:29.920 That's the exhausting part of our dating. So choose one 0:18:29.960 --> 0:18:34.879 app and focus on having one conversation at a time. 0:18:35.400 --> 0:18:36.200 Truly do that. 0:18:36.520 --> 0:18:38.480 Try that out and I know people an expread your bets, 0:18:38.520 --> 0:18:40.879 work it out well. You'll be much better at knowing 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:43.679 that something is complete and finished before you move on 0:18:43.720 --> 0:18:45.960 to the next. It's almost like if you've got three 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:48.439 or four conversations going on at the same time, you 0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:51.119 don't know which one's going where, and you don't have 0:18:51.160 --> 0:18:53.480 the presence to know whether something's just finished and over, 0:18:53.640 --> 0:18:56.800 and you're leaving something that should be complete, open and 0:18:56.920 --> 0:18:57.560 open ended. 0:18:58.520 --> 0:18:59.880 Now, on a typical. 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:03.000 Day, Matches research found that thirty nine percent of singles 0:19:03.040 --> 0:19:07.000 feel lonely, including fifty eight percent of gen Z singles, 0:19:07.440 --> 0:19:10.359 and of those who typically feel lonely, twenty five percent 0:19:10.400 --> 0:19:14.520 reported that this is a chronic or lifelong issue. Similarly, 0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:17.040 twenty five percent of singles feel that they are lonelier 0:19:17.080 --> 0:19:20.640 than their peers, and when it comes to third wheeling, 0:19:21.040 --> 0:19:24.960 sixteen percent of singles say spending time with couples makes 0:19:25.000 --> 0:19:28.679 them feel more lonely. Now, a lot of people have 0:19:28.720 --> 0:19:31.120 a different view about that, but here's the thing. 0:19:31.640 --> 0:19:32.880 Nearly one in five. 0:19:32.800 --> 0:19:37.000 Young singles feel that loneliness has increased their drive to date, 0:19:37.320 --> 0:19:39.800 and fifty five percent of these young singles feel excited 0:19:39.840 --> 0:19:42.440 about dating. So it's really interesting that we feel more 0:19:42.480 --> 0:19:47.080 lonely when we're with couples, but that can actually be 0:19:47.320 --> 0:19:51.080 a drive to date more so, there's two schools of thought. 0:19:51.240 --> 0:19:53.960 One is, stop hanging around with couples, hang around with singles. 0:19:54.400 --> 0:19:57.639 The other thought is, hang around with couples, figure out 0:19:57.680 --> 0:20:00.520 where they went wrong, figure out what mistakes they made, 0:20:00.680 --> 0:20:03.040 figure out how they felt about their partner when they 0:20:03.080 --> 0:20:06.280 first met, figure out what questions they asked, figure out 0:20:06.280 --> 0:20:08.880 what kind of dates they did That work. If you're 0:20:08.920 --> 0:20:13.080 around someone who you know is in a healthy, happy relationship. 0:20:13.320 --> 0:20:16.919 No relationship is perfect. Ask them questions. Now, I'm not 0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:18.639 saying that your love story is going to go the 0:20:18.680 --> 0:20:22.040 exact same way, but chances are there's going to be 0:20:22.080 --> 0:20:24.240 a few tools and tips you pick up. And this 0:20:24.280 --> 0:20:26.840 is what it always comes back to for me. Study 0:20:26.960 --> 0:20:30.760 don't envy. We get so lost in envying what people 0:20:30.800 --> 0:20:33.080 have and then we hope that we get the same thing, 0:20:33.560 --> 0:20:36.360 rather than turning that envy into study and saying, hey, 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:38.600 where did you have your first date? What were your 0:20:38.600 --> 0:20:41.439 first impressions of each other? How did you get beyond 0:20:41.480 --> 0:20:43.760 that when you felt there was no chemistry or connection. 0:20:44.200 --> 0:20:47.159 I would actually argue that if you spend more time 0:20:47.320 --> 0:20:50.439 around healthy, happy couples, you're more likely to get a 0:20:50.480 --> 0:20:53.280 desire to date and get insights. 0:20:52.720 --> 0:20:53.199 On how to. 0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:56.280 Whereas if you're surrounded constantly by all your single friends, 0:20:56.400 --> 0:20:59.360 you're actually hearing about all the negatives are dating. You're 0:20:59.359 --> 0:21:02.160 hearing about how everyone's burnt out, You're hearing about how 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:05.280 everyone else doesn't have something going for them and they're struggling. Now, 0:21:05.320 --> 0:21:06.960 I'm not saying to change your friends. I'm not saying 0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:09.000 to ditch your friends. What I'm trying to say is 0:21:09.359 --> 0:21:12.840 when it comes to making this work, there has to 0:21:12.840 --> 0:21:16.440 be a certain curation about what you hear about dating. 0:21:16.960 --> 0:21:19.919 If all you're hearing is negativity, guess what you're going 0:21:19.960 --> 0:21:22.920 to turn up with no positivity for your next date? 0:21:23.480 --> 0:21:26.360 Are you going to put your best foot forward? Are 0:21:26.359 --> 0:21:28.840 you going to come as your best self? So what's 0:21:28.920 --> 0:21:33.080 really fascinating about this is the math Survey says that 0:21:33.280 --> 0:21:37.359 what makes a first date worthy topic whether someone has 0:21:37.440 --> 0:21:41.040 kids seventy two percent, whether they're divorced or separated sixty 0:21:41.080 --> 0:21:44.199 five percent, and whether they drink alcohol fifty nine percent. 0:21:44.240 --> 0:21:49.000 There's a real thirst now for transparency and compatibility. People 0:21:49.080 --> 0:21:52.679 don't want to waste time and so often we feel 0:21:52.760 --> 0:21:56.200 so almost like interrogators off asking these questions. 0:21:56.440 --> 0:21:57.080 But when we can. 0:21:57.000 --> 0:22:00.520 Bring them up in natural conversation, even by self sharing, 0:22:00.560 --> 0:22:02.879 and I think this is a really important point. We 0:22:02.960 --> 0:22:06.480 often want to ask important questions to someone, but we're 0:22:06.520 --> 0:22:11.000 not practicing self disclosure. Self disclosure is the ability to say, hey, 0:22:11.000 --> 0:22:12.960 you know what I went sober a couple of years ago, 0:22:13.520 --> 0:22:17.560 and my ideal night out or my ideal evening is X. 0:22:17.920 --> 0:22:20.480 Now you give the other person an opportunity to share 0:22:20.520 --> 0:22:23.159 what their ideal evening is I think talking about an 0:22:23.160 --> 0:22:27.080 ideal evening, an ideal vacation, an ideal day at work. 0:22:27.119 --> 0:22:30.719 These are great conversation starters because it allows for imagination, 0:22:31.280 --> 0:22:34.159 It allows to see what someone's focus is, It allows 0:22:34.200 --> 0:22:37.320 to see what someone's priority is. Asking people how they 0:22:37.359 --> 0:22:40.680 spend their time on their weekend. I think one of 0:22:40.760 --> 0:22:43.040 the reasons why we get bored is we keep asking 0:22:43.080 --> 0:22:46.440 the same questions and we keep answering the same questions. 0:22:46.720 --> 0:22:48.080 Now, it's funny because. 0:22:47.800 --> 0:22:49.159 I go on a lot of podcasts, I do a 0:22:49.200 --> 0:22:51.359 lot of interviews, and I can feel that way. Often 0:22:51.400 --> 0:22:53.320 I get asked the same questions and I answer the 0:22:53.359 --> 0:22:56.880 same questions. So, even though I'm not dating, I get 0:22:56.920 --> 0:22:59.840 a sense of what that may feel like. And one 0:22:59.840 --> 0:23:01.920 of the ways I think about this is how can 0:23:01.960 --> 0:23:04.159