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Speaker 1: The French show is on. It's Stay or Go. Darcy

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Speaker 1: is here. Good morning, Darcy. How you doing? Good morning?

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Speaker 1: I'm doing okay, Darcy. Welcome to the program Stairgo. So

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Speaker 1: a little relationship advice, little little group therapy happening right now.

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Speaker 1: What's going on with this guy? This is your husband

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Speaker 1: of fifteen years? You're calling us about something real like

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Speaker 1: this isn't for real. We're not messing around with some

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Speaker 1: six month relationship. This is fifteen years. You've been married

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Speaker 1: to this man.

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Speaker 2: Well, not only have we been married for fifteen years,

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Speaker 2: but we were together seven years before we got married,

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Speaker 2: and they always told me, marry your best friend, marry

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Speaker 2: your best friend.

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Speaker 1: So I did. Twenty two years you've been together, right,

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Speaker 1: I does some quick mathew, just two years at the

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Speaker 1: top of the dome. Yeah, no, I am, I am.

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Speaker 1: I'm good with you, yea.

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Speaker 2: The problem is not that I don't love him.

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Speaker 3: I do.

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Speaker 2: The problem is is that I don't want to be

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Speaker 2: intimate with him, like I don't want to have sex

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Speaker 2: with him, and I have it for a really long time,

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Speaker 2: and I try to push those feelings down because, like

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Speaker 2: you just said, it's been twenty two years that we

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Speaker 2: have been together, and people say, you go through phases

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Speaker 2: and the spark comes and it goes. But it went

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Speaker 2: a long time ago and it has not come back,

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Speaker 2: and like we'll get intimate sometimes, but it's more of

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Speaker 2: like obligation than it is anything else.

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Speaker 1: And I feel terrible about it.

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Speaker 2: But every time I try to bring it up with

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Speaker 2: other people, they always say, oh, the dating world is

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Speaker 2: so hard and the grass isn't always greener, and you

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Speaker 2: have your best friend, Like what more could you want? Well,

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Speaker 2: I want to be with someone who I want like that.

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Speaker 1: Why would you say things have subsided romantically intimately? Like

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Speaker 1: can you can you pinpoint why you're not interested? Like,

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Speaker 1: I mean, are you guys still getting along? Are you

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Speaker 1: still communicating well? Has there been any kind of infidelity?

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Speaker 1: I mean, is there some sort of dysfunction? I mean,

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Speaker 1: I'm just trying to get to the bike. Or is

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Speaker 1: it simply you've just grown out of wanting to be

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Speaker 1: intimate with him and you just feel like you're married

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Speaker 1: to your friend.

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Speaker 2: I feel like I'm married to my friend, and I

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Speaker 2: don't know that I ever grew out of it. I

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Speaker 2: think geek down. I've always known it's always been like that,

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Speaker 2: but I listen to everybody else who said this is

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Speaker 2: your best friend, and he is like, there's nobody else

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Speaker 2: I want to spend time with other than him. But

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Speaker 2: when it gets down to that bedroom, it's it's like

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Speaker 2: I'm laying there with my brother and I'm like, I

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Speaker 2: don't want a new day.

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Speaker 1: There's nobody else that does you ways to spend time

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Speaker 1: with except for maybe somebody to have sex with her

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Speaker 1: other than that, but other than that, this guy. This

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Speaker 1: guy's everything. So you can, okay, could you? And I'm

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Speaker 1: just trying to like if it be proactive here? I mean,

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Speaker 1: is there anything like what if he tried to be romantic? Like,

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Speaker 1: is there anything that he can do? I mean, is

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Speaker 1: it really just dead like you're just not interested? Or

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Speaker 1: is there Is it a matter of effort? Is it

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Speaker 1: a matter of seduction? Is it a matter of you know,

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Speaker 1: he's not romantic with you anymore, It doesn't take you

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Speaker 1: on dates like you know what I mean? Like, is

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Speaker 1: there anything going on that he could have just to

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Speaker 1: maybe make this more attractive to you? Again?

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Speaker 2: Maybe, but I think even if he tried, it would

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Speaker 2: just give me the ick. I think we're at that

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Speaker 2: point to even if he tried to seduce me. I

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Speaker 2: don't know if he is the person I want seducing me.

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Speaker 2: And I know that that sounds so terrible. I know

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Speaker 2: it sounds so awful, but it's just how I feel.

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Speaker 1: Have you discussed this with him? I mean, if you

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Speaker 1: guys communicated about this, does he feel the same way.

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Speaker 1: He does not feel the same way.

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Speaker 2: He feels the same way everybody else does. That we're

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Speaker 2: just going through a rough patch, and you know, we

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Speaker 2: just need to talk more. And I feel like all

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Speaker 2: we do is talk about it, which I'd rather do

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Speaker 2: than the alternative.

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Speaker 1: I'll talk to you forever.

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Speaker 2: I just feel like we're talking in a circle and

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Speaker 2: I don't know if it will ever come back to

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Speaker 2: me feeling that way towards him like I love him,

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Speaker 2: and I always heard people say This's always thought it

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Speaker 2: was such a lie. I just don't know that I'm

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Speaker 2: in love with him. But if there is something that

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Speaker 2: he could do, I would try it because nothing would

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Speaker 2: break my heart more than to break his heart.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because if he is still really into it and

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Speaker 1: wants to do it and you don't, then this isn't

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Speaker 1: a situation where I think you could go and present

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Speaker 1: some sort of counter solution, like, you know, you can't

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Speaker 1: go to a guy who still wants to be with

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Speaker 1: you and you don't and be like, hey, how about

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Speaker 1: if we open up this marriage or something, because I've

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Speaker 1: heard of situations that people have been married for a

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Speaker 1: very long time, maybe they have kids, maybe they are

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Speaker 1: established in their lives, and they care about each other,

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Speaker 1: they love each other. The intimacy just isn't there, but

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Speaker 1: they don't want to blow up their whole lives. So

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Speaker 1: they both decide, hey, look, you know, you can go

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Speaker 1: off and do something, just don't let me find out

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Speaker 1: about it, or we can go off, or we're going

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Speaker 1: to open up this relationship or whatever. But both parties

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Speaker 1: are okay with that, or at least appear to be.

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Speaker 1: In this case. I feel like if you went to

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Speaker 1: him and said, hey, can we open up this relationship,

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Speaker 1: he'd be, you know, highly insulted and hurt.

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Speaker 2: I think so too, But a part of me thinks

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Speaker 2: that sounds like a really good idea, because if I

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Speaker 2: could go somewhere else and have that aspect of this relationship,

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Speaker 2: they still have this back at home.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, what a great I'm serious, It's a real thing.

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Speaker 1: This is a real thing. She's not saying he's a

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Speaker 1: bad guy. She's not saying that she doesn't love him.

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Speaker 1: She's not saying she doesn't care about him. She's not

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Speaker 1: even saying she doesn't like spending time with him. What

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Speaker 1: she's saying is, for whatever reason, the intimacy has expired,

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Speaker 1: she doesn't believe she can fix it. And so what

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Speaker 1: does she do? Does she blow up the entire relationship

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Speaker 1: and lose her best friend over sex? Does she say

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Speaker 1: forget it? I guess I'll just be celibate. Does she cheat?

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Speaker 1: Does she ask for an open relationship? You know again?

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Speaker 1: I mean think about what her options are. I thought

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Speaker 1: about therapy. People were asking about therapy. Yeah, we've thought

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Speaker 1: about therapy and going.

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Speaker 2: I just think that we're looking at this situation from

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Speaker 2: two different viewpoints. And I don't think he's looking at

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Speaker 2: it as we need therapy. I think he's looking at

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Speaker 2: it as we can work.

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Speaker 1: This out at home.

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Speaker 2: And I'm perfectly fine going to therapy. My concern with

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Speaker 2: therapy is saying something like you just suggested of an

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Speaker 2: open marriage, and then we just opened up a whole

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Speaker 2: other can of worms, and I'm nervous about that. We

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Speaker 2: have talked about therapy, we have not actively gone.

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Speaker 1: You know what he needs. He needs that stuff I

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Speaker 1: see advertised on TikTok all the time, that gum that

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Speaker 1: makes it like super hard, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: Like this, there's a gum. I forget what it's called,

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Speaker 1: like blue chee or something. It's like, oh yeah, I

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Speaker 1: see it advertised on TikTok all the time. Yeah, it's like,

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Speaker 1: does your man have the blue choo. It's like because

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Speaker 1: maybe if he comes home and he's just like you,

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Speaker 1: maybe maybe what it's gonna take is a little passion

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Speaker 1: on his point, the blue choe. Well maybe it's targeting

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Speaker 1: men because he wouldn't say a blue cheo. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I would get. I get. I don't need it yet,

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Speaker 1: I'm sure I will, but I've considered ordering it just

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Speaker 1: to see what the hell happened. Yeah, an experiment. I've

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Speaker 1: thought about getting viagra too, just to see what happened,

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Speaker 1: just to see what I mean again, there's going to

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Speaker 1: come a time where I'm going to need that stuff.

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Speaker 1: I don't yet, but I'm afraid my heart would explode it.

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Speaker 1: I'm afraid I'm just getting greedy, That's what i mean.

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Speaker 1: Like it's already working fine, It doesn't need to work

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Speaker 1: finer than fine. But I'm curious. You know, my mind

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Speaker 1: wants to know what the hell is blue choo stuff.

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Speaker 1: But it's not even that darcy, because I asked you

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Speaker 1: if there was some kind of dysfunction and you said no, No.

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Speaker 2: I feel like if he came home with that problem,

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Speaker 2: that feels like a hymn problem right now, because that

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Speaker 2: isn't the problem of him being able to perform.

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Speaker 1: What the problem is that I don't want to come

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Speaker 1: to the show. Wouldn't you almost rather that though? Wouldn't

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Speaker 1: you almost rather that you really wanted the guy and

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Speaker 1: everything was there, he just he just needed to work

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Speaker 1: through some kind of a physiological issue. Wouldn't that be better?

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Speaker 1: You know? If it's like I know, that's also uncomfortable,

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Speaker 1: but at least a desire is there, and you guys

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Speaker 1: can go together and work it out and figure out

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Speaker 1: whatever the health matter is or whatever help he needs

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Speaker 1: or you need or whatever. But in this case, this

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Speaker 1: dude could be coming in ready to go all the time.

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Speaker 1: He could be blue chewing it up right now, and

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Speaker 1: it wouldn't matter because you don't want it.

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Speaker 2: No, and I would even be more comfortable right now

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Speaker 2: if there's been infidelity and we could work that. This

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Speaker 2: feels like I am the problem. This feels like I

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Speaker 2: am ruining my marriage because of the way that I feel,

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Speaker 2: and I can't change the way that I feel. But

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Speaker 2: if he came to me and said that he cheated,

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Speaker 2: I could say, well, let's work on that. This doesn't

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Speaker 2: feel like we can work on it.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know if other.

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Speaker 2: People that have been married as long or together with

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Speaker 2: someone for twenty two years have ever been to this situation.

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Speaker 2: But everyone I seem to talk to just says, you

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Speaker 2: just have to work through it. And it doesn't feel

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Speaker 2: like something I want to work through because life's a

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Speaker 2: little too short to be this unhappy.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that she's using the word and you are.

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Speaker 4: You're saying that that's my best friend. That's my best friend, right,

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Speaker 4: So I think you're taking a lot of this blame

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Speaker 4: on yourself. You're like, I'd rather him cheat and do that,

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Speaker 4: and it's like, I wouldn't even go that far. I

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Speaker 4: just think that you have lost that spark for him.

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Speaker 4: But I think that's okay. Sad. I know it's sad.

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Speaker 4: It's very upsetting, right, it's her husband for twenty two years.

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Speaker 4: But if this is a really your best friend that

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Speaker 4: you keep calling, you know, this is my best friend.

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Speaker 4: This is the worst and I care about I think

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Speaker 4: it's best to go your separate ways so that maybe

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Speaker 4: you can still remain friends.

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Speaker 1: You can still remain that. Let's face it, if he cheats,

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Speaker 1: then she has an opening. If he cheats, then she

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Speaker 1: can dump him. If he cheats, then she could go, well,

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Speaker 1: I now, well why don't you just keep doing that?

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Speaker 1: And I'll do this. I mean, it's nice, no offense, Darcy,

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Speaker 1: but him him doing something anything other than you addressing

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Speaker 1: the issue is kind of just a cop out. It's

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Speaker 1: kind of just a work around, right, I mean, because

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Speaker 1: ultimately none of that's gonna feel You're not really gonna

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Speaker 1: be happy if E chee. It's because you say you

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Speaker 1: still love him and you care about him.

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Speaker 2: I do, but then I would feel like his needs

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Speaker 2: of being met. But the problem with that is, and

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Speaker 2: I you know, he is my best friend. I don't

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Speaker 2: think our friendship or this relationship would survive me coming

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Speaker 2: to him and telling him I'm just not attracted to

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Speaker 2: you anymore because I don't know how I would take

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Speaker 2: that emotionally my ego if you came to me and said,

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Speaker 2: I don't want to be intimate with you.

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Speaker 1: I'm the only one you should want to.

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Speaker 2: Be intimate with and you're telling me that, Like, I

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Speaker 2: love him so much.

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Speaker 1: That's why I'm not telling him all of it, Darcy.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people are like are pointing to like,

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Speaker 1: maybe you should go get your hormone check to this,

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Speaker 1: and that I have to ask, I mean, do you

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Speaker 1: have the desire otherwise just not with him, or do

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Speaker 1: you have no desire at all, just just to check

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Speaker 1: that box.

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Speaker 5: No, that's an interesting question.

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Speaker 2: There are people that I see that I find attractive

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Speaker 2: and I fantasize about that. I don't act on it

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Speaker 2: because I am married, So I think that desire is

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Speaker 2: still no care.

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Speaker 1: So this is not a matter of like, you know,

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Speaker 1: I don't know you're taking medicine that it has reduced

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Speaker 1: your libido or because that's also an issue, where like

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Speaker 1: there really isn't a problem. There's just you know, as

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Speaker 1: far as the connections concerned, there's just something going on

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Speaker 1: where you're you have less drive than you once said.

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Speaker 1: Let me take some phone calls on this because we're

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Speaker 1: a bunch of morons and we're just talking. Maybe other

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Speaker 1: people have had been through this and can offer something,

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Speaker 1: But yeah, it kind of sounds like you're gonna have

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Speaker 1: to have a really tough conversation and you're gonna have

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Speaker 1: to just be really honest and maybe me, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how you. I really don't know how

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Speaker 1: you fix it. But fair right for the both of them.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know one who thinks that. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: here's a guy who sounds like he still wants it.

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Speaker 1: She just doesn't want it. That's gonna be devastating to

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Speaker 1: hear it is I'm.

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Speaker 3: Leaving someone over sex, though, I mean after that, I

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Speaker 3: don't know.

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Speaker 1: The grass ain't always greener. On the other side, you

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Speaker 1: can't have your kids, like, that's true, but you want

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Speaker 1: to little single Like, yes, you're gonna have a lot

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Speaker 1: of sex, but you're gonna be You could not be

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Speaker 1: in a relationship for the longest time. You can be

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Speaker 1: lonely for the rest of your life. I got a

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Speaker 1: whole list of things you can say to people on

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Speaker 1: dating apps to if you need it, like yourself out

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Speaker 1: aw anyway, let me take some phone calls Darcy, have

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Speaker 1: the radio one. I wish you the best. This is tough,

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Speaker 1: this is complicated. I don't know the right because because

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Speaker 1: Ruvio is right. I mean, do you want to live

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Speaker 1: a sexless, celibate life with your best friend? No? But

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Speaker 1: if you lose this guy who's this, you know, this

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Speaker 1: paramount relationship in your life so that you could go

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Speaker 1: out and have a bunch of you know, average of

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Speaker 1: disappointing physical connections, then then I don't know, is that better?

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Speaker 1: Not sure? It probably feels like it now, but it

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Speaker 1: may not be in the long run. Thank you, Darcy,

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Speaker 1: good luck. I got an Amazon for you girl. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: okay for a little z so you're suggestion, Kiki has

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Speaker 1: some zoos and then yes.

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Speaker 6: She might just need to spice it up, get herself

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Speaker 6: some some some some adult toys maybe that she can

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Speaker 6: try out. I mean, I feel like she has not

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Speaker 6: tried everything yet. She's just like, I don't want it,

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Speaker 6: but like, try some things first before you leave your

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Speaker 6: husband and best friend.

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Speaker 1: I feel so bad for all these. I feel so

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Speaker 1: bad for the husband, like he's I feel like he's

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Speaker 1: done nothing wrong.

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Speaker 4: She doesn't want this either, though, I mean, you know,

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Speaker 4: you can't fight those.

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Speaker 1: But it's not like he's not like it's not like

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Speaker 1: he's bad in bed or he's not. He doesn't want you.

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Speaker 1: He not to have sex with his wife. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: she does want to have sort of outgrown him in

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Speaker 1: some ways. And I feel like there's always more in

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Speaker 1: these situations. There's always more going on. There's something else

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Speaker 1: here that we probably don't I don't know. But I've

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Speaker 1: also never been with somebody for twenty two years, so

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Speaker 1: I don't know what it's. I mean, honestly, I don't

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Speaker 1: know that I would even have any sort of basis

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Speaker 1: for comparison to be the same person for that period

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Speaker 1: of time. Hey Christina, good morning. Hey what do you

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Speaker 1: think stay or go? So just to recap here, this

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Speaker 1: woman's been with this man, married for like seventeen years,

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Speaker 1: together for twenty two or something, and she just doesn't

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Speaker 1: want to sleep with him anymore, loves him, considers him

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Speaker 1: her best friend, doesn't really have the desire to be

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Speaker 1: with him anymore. She still has those desires, just not

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Speaker 1: with him. He wants to be with her, and she's

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Speaker 1: not sure what to do. You think?

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Speaker 5: I just think that sex is something that you know,

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Speaker 5: every human being need in their life, So to hold

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Speaker 5: it back from somebody I think is worse. So I

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Speaker 5: think that she should go, but you know, she should

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Speaker 5: go in a way where she talks to him about it.

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Speaker 5: I mean, they are best friends, they do have a connection, and.

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Speaker 1: And what you can give it you broke up in

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Speaker 1: just a second or what.

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Speaker 5: Sorry, Like who's to say, who's to say they're not

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Speaker 5: going to be remain best friends? He could talk to him.

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Speaker 3: About it, but I really feel like she needs to go.

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Speaker 5: Or give him the option to have an open marriage, yeah,

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Speaker 5: because he just can't take that away from somebody.

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Speaker 3: It's like he's being punished.

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Speaker 1: But it's just that's just not that simple, Like it's

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Speaker 1: not that simple to say, because like there's someone like me,

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Speaker 1: for example, I that would never work for me. Like

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Speaker 1: if you came to me and said I love you,

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Speaker 1: but I don't want to be with you anymore, how

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Speaker 1: about I sleep with other men and stay with you,

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Speaker 1: I'd be devastating. That's the end, you know. So I

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Speaker 1: mean it's not just that symbols by other folks Like

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I think I would either be in

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Speaker 1: or out on that one. I don't know that I

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Speaker 1: could just be with someone who's like, I love you,

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Speaker 1: but I really don't want you to like get anywhere

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Speaker 1: near me sexually like that would have been. But but other

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Speaker 1: men can I don't know. Christina, Thank you, have a

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Speaker 1: good day too. Glad you called. And that battle that's

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Speaker 1: just me, I mean, I trust me. Go on, speaking

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Speaker 1: of dating apps, go on these dating apps, ethnical ethic,

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Speaker 1: this is I'm using air quotes ethical non monogamy all

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Speaker 1: over the place, all over the place. People And yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm in a relationship, but I want it and it's

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Speaker 1: all out there, but I want to sleep with other

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Speaker 1: people too. It's very common and if it works for you,

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Speaker 1: that's great.

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Speaker 4: I just I don't know, right, And do we always

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Speaker 4: have it all every single part of a relationship all

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Speaker 4: the time, for the entirety, you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: Like, is it always you have every part of it? No?

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Speaker 1: I feel like that's an unfair expectation. Hey, Dawn, good morning, Welcome,

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Speaker 1: good morning.

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Speaker 3: So how are y'all?

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Speaker 1: Hey? What do you think? Great? Thanks for asking? What

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Speaker 1: do you think?

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Speaker 3: I think you should stay? And I feel like when

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Speaker 3: she's saying she just keeps her petting like best friend,

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Speaker 3: best friend, I love them and stuff like that. It

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Speaker 3: just sounds like things are routine and comfortable. And I'm presuming,

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Speaker 3: and I may have missed this at the very beginning.

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Speaker 3: I'm presuming that they were pretty sparky at the beginning

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Speaker 3: of the relationship. That's why they got into relationship and

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Speaker 3: got married and stuff like that. And I think, and

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Speaker 3: it sounds really cliche, but it just sounds like the

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Speaker 3: spark is the spark is missing. I'm not gonna say

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Speaker 3: it's gone, but it's missing. And maybe maybe they if

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Speaker 3: they talk, maybe he has to do a little digging

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Speaker 3: and figure out, you know what, what's something new that

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Speaker 3: or something that used to work, you know, what's something

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Speaker 3: new that I can do that they really knocked her

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Speaker 3: off her heels, you know, and rest her up, you.

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Speaker 1: Know, I don't see, but I don't think it would matter.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't This dude could come in, you know, wrapped

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Speaker 1: in latex and you know, all oiled up, and I

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Speaker 1: don't know that it would matter. ID doesn't sound like

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Speaker 1: she would care. It's a bad spot to be in

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Speaker 1: where there's nothing you can do. All the blue shoo

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Speaker 1: in the world is not going to solve this problem.

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Speaker 3: But maybe they're just because it's so rota and comfortable,

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Speaker 3: maybe not thinking outside of the box like that. I mean,

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Speaker 3: like he said, maybe maybe you got to go find

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Speaker 3: a toy or something, or I don't know, maybe be

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Speaker 3: late texting, or maybe maybe it's just a nice long

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Speaker 3: day like in a lazy river somewhere in a picnic

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Speaker 3: and just.

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Speaker 1: I mean.

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Speaker 3: What I mean if if you're like, I don't know

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Speaker 3: their lifestyle, so maybe they're just constantly until it with

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Speaker 3: kids and work and whatever and really stressed out until

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Speaker 3: if they just have a really lazy, calm day and

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Speaker 3: can just I don't know, throw out different things.

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Speaker 1: I hear you figure something out. Thank you.

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Speaker 3: That's a little bit more comfortable.

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Speaker 1: Well, thank you, thank you. Don appreciate you have a

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Speaker 1: great day. So it's going to be a painful conversation.

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Speaker 1: So before she torpedoes the whole damn thing, she may

401
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Speaker 1: as well get a sex therapist in wald or somebody

402
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Speaker 1: you know, and have that conversation. You may as well

403
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Speaker 1: go for it. You may as well lay it all

404
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,080
Speaker 1: out there because it's going to go one or two ways.

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Speaker 1: Either he's gonna I don't know. I guess you could

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Speaker 1: go a number of ways. He's going to be super

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Speaker 1: hurt and offended and there's no coming back. He's going

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Speaker 1: to say, well, what if we try a bunch of stuff,

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Speaker 1: and then she'll go, well I may as well, or

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Speaker 1: they're going to break up. I guess he's going to

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Speaker 1: go I feel the same way. Maybe I'm not sure.