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Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in

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Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here.

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Speaker 1: Back for another episode as we, of course break down

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Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. Let's be so real right now.

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Speaker 1: Saying what we mean and what we feel is really hard,

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Speaker 1: and it is certainly not helped by some of the

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Speaker 1: sensations we feel afterwards, the kind of cringiness of feeling

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Speaker 1: like we overshare that we said too much to the

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Speaker 1: wrong person. In other words, the experience a vulnerability hangover.

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Speaker 1: It's something you and I, the whole world every person

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Speaker 1: has most likely experienced at some stage. You know, you

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Speaker 1: confess to your romantic feelings for someone, you say the

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Speaker 1: wrong thing after a night of drinking, you share too much,

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Speaker 1: and afterwards it just feels like the world is going

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Speaker 1: to end. But vulnerability hangovers are actually remarkably and entirely normal.

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Speaker 1: They occur for so many reasons, the biggest one being

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Speaker 1: that in general, when we are seriously open and honest,

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Speaker 1: so many times we bring things to the surface that

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Speaker 1: usually we are not exposed to on the day to day,

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Speaker 1: and that creates a major flood, a high, a breach

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Speaker 1: in our walls, and then the next day we crash.

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Speaker 1: You feel everything at once when you're vulnerable with other people,

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Speaker 1: either accidentally or on purpose, and then you have to

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Speaker 1: get back to your equilibrium. Your mind and to an extent,

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Speaker 1: your body. They're just trying to adjust, and that's why

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Speaker 1: this sense of being emotionally hungover occurs. It certainly doesn't

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Speaker 1: help that there is an implicit stigma around over sharing.

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Speaker 1: There is shame directed towards big emotions, and that at

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Speaker 1: times you know people are going to betray our trust

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Speaker 1: and let us down, and so time and time again,

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Speaker 1: we often learn to associate vulnerability with its downsides and

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Speaker 1: its consequences rather than many of its implicit benefits. But today,

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Speaker 1: my lovely listeners, we are going to break down, really

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Speaker 1: break down what is going on in your body, in

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Speaker 1: your mind, in the social and emotional centers of your

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Speaker 1: brain when you are vulnerable, and in the aftermath and why.

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Speaker 1: So many of the current scientific findings are saying that

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Speaker 1: our lack of everyday vulnerability and the aversion and negative

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Speaker 1: reactions we have to vulnerability is what is causing rising

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Speaker 1: levels of loneliness, disconnection, mistrust and division. You know, it's

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Speaker 1: this episode when I started writing it, when I started

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Speaker 1: thinking about it, I was like, oh, it's this one thing,

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Speaker 1: and it actually turned into this whole other discussion around

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Speaker 1: what we need as humans, what we aren't getting as humans,

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Speaker 1: and how that is actually kind of hurting society. All

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Speaker 1: of it coming back to this one idea of vulnerability hangovers,

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Speaker 1: which kind of seem rather inconspicuous.

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Speaker 2: But here we go.

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Speaker 1: There is so much to cover, so much to get into.

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Speaker 1: We'll was going to talk about what you can do

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Speaker 1: if you are currently experiencing a vulnerability or an oversharing hangover,

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Speaker 1: and just so much more. So let's get into it.

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Speaker 1: Let's start with a basic history, lesson, and a basic

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Speaker 1: definition before we get into some of the nuances of

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Speaker 1: this emotional experience. The term vulnerability hangover comes from none

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Speaker 1: other than the brilliant author and academic Brene Brown, who

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Speaker 1: we know and love for her books What's So Big,

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Speaker 1: One Dead to Lead. I also love her book The

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Speaker 1: Gift of Imperfection. She also did an incredible TED talk

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Speaker 1: called The Power of Vulnerability where she essentially lays down

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Speaker 1: this core platform or idea that what gives life meaning

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Speaker 1: is connection, and what creates connection is vulnerability. And if

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Speaker 1: you take all that reasoning back to its origin, essentially

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Speaker 1: what she's saying is vulnerability is the most important emotion

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Speaker 1: that we have as humans now, the reason so many

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Speaker 1: of us feel so alone, especially in this generation, especially

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Speaker 1: in our twenties. She argues that it's because really what

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Speaker 1: we're struggling to do is let others see us deeply,

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Speaker 1: and we're very afraid that once they peek behind this

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Speaker 1: curtain that we're kind of keeping up, soon they may

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Speaker 1: see things that they didn't want to see and that

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Speaker 1: we didn't want them to see, and they will find

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Speaker 1: a reason not to love us. And so any kind

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Speaker 1: of vulnerability, you know, risks that kind of ex bosure,

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Speaker 1: so we avoid it. We keep our walls up, even

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Speaker 1: though we do truly want to be known and we

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Speaker 1: want to be seen by other people. Part of our

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Speaker 1: aversion to vulnerability includes the experience of a vulnerability hangover,

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Speaker 1: this feeling of regret, anxiety, shame that follows sharing something

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Speaker 1: really personal with someone else, either intentionally or accidentally. So

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Speaker 1: this is exactly what a vulnerability hangover can feel like.

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Speaker 1: You may find yourself second guessing every single thing you said,

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Speaker 1: ruminating thinking about what you could have said differently, but

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Speaker 1: also trying to remember exactly how the other person looked,

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Speaker 1: what they said, what you said, what their exact reaction

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Speaker 1: was to certain pieces of information or words. It's this

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Speaker 1: kind of posthumous like emotional monitoring of the situation with

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Speaker 1: the intention of almost trying to make yourself feel better

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Speaker 1: and self soothes, but actually picking further at the wound.

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Speaker 1: You may also experience shame spirals why did I say that?

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Speaker 1: Why did I do that? I'm a bad person. I

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Speaker 1: don't deserve to be around people like I don't deserve

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Speaker 1: to have these emotions shame, shame, shame getting you to

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Speaker 1: a very low point. There's this sudden desire to withdraw

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Speaker 1: or an avoidance of this person afterwards, out of fear

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Speaker 1: that maybe their behavior towards you will now be different

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Speaker 1: and that will confirm once and for all that you

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Speaker 1: did misstep and say the wrong thing. There's the urge

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Speaker 1: to fix it, to downplay what you shared, to kind

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Speaker 1: of go back on your word, and also a real

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Speaker 1: physical discomfort. It feels like this mixture between anxiety, the

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Speaker 1: desire to run away, but also the desire to stay

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Speaker 1: still and hope that you know, time will move on

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Speaker 1: and you won't have to think about it. There's this nausea.

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Speaker 1: It's just this complicated, complicated sense's complicated combination of sensations.

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Speaker 1: I should say, the best way I've actually heard it

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Speaker 1: described is like unconsciously giving yourself the ick from oversharing,

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Speaker 1: And really that's exactly what it is, right. It's really

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Speaker 1: essential to know, though, right from the beginning, that not

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Speaker 1: all vulnerability hangovers are created equal. In fact, there are

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Speaker 1: two distinct categories. The first is situations where we didn't

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Speaker 1: really want to reveal something but we did, you know,

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Speaker 1: for example, disclosing too much when you've been drinking, confiding

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Speaker 1: in the wrong person when your instincts were already telling

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Speaker 1: you it was a bad idea, or you know, just

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Speaker 1: accidentally letting something slip you really weren't fully prepared to

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Speaker 1: go in depth on. The second situation occurs when we

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Speaker 1: did feel like it was necessary to be honest and open,

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Speaker 1: but we still feel really uncomfortable after the fact, even

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Speaker 1: though we knew and we still know it was an

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Speaker 1: important thing to do so. After therapy, after a hard

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Speaker 1: chat with a friend, after breaking up with someone, maybe

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Speaker 1: having a deep and meaningful conversation with a parent, or

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Speaker 1: a sibling or a coworker to repair a relationship. These

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Speaker 1: are really crucial moments. They're really crucial, but they are

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Speaker 1: also really hard. So the two categories accidental and intentional.

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Speaker 1: Let's talk about that first category for a minute, the

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Speaker 1: unexpected disclosure and the vulnerability hangover that comes in the aftermath.

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Speaker 1: So this happens in a few situations. Firstly, you know

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Speaker 1: something has happened really quickly and unexpectedly, so quickly that

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Speaker 1: you didn't really have time to emotionally regulate, so you

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Speaker 1: automatically seek emotional catharsis with just the first person you see,

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Speaker 1: because they just happen to be there. You know, you

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Speaker 1: happen to come across them. You tell them everything, you

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Speaker 1: regret it. You've probably had this experience where you know

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Speaker 1: you've had a really bad argument with your friend, you've

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Speaker 1: just gotten bad news, you're really wound up, you're frustrated,

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Speaker 1: and then you kind of run into someone like you

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Speaker 1: semi no, and it just feels like you just need

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Speaker 1: to tell them, you just need to get it out

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Speaker 1: of your system, and so you do, perhaps against your

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Speaker 1: better judgment. So I actually have a name for this.

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Speaker 1: I call this drive by vulnerability. It's kind of like

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Speaker 1: when you get McDonald's on a road trip because it's

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Speaker 1: the only thing available even though you normally probably wouldn't

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Speaker 1: and it's probably gonna make you feel sick. Like this

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Speaker 1: person is your drive by, this person is your drive through.

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Speaker 1: You know you would normally tell a trusted friend you

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Speaker 1: would normally choose the nourishing option, but the urge to

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Speaker 1: share is so overwhelming, the hunger is so strong, you.

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Speaker 2: Take the drive in.

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Speaker 1: You take the convenient option, even if it doesn't feel

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Speaker 1: as good, and you know afterwards you walk away thinking, God,

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Speaker 1: I feel really gross.

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Speaker 2: Maybe I should have waited.

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Speaker 1: But the only reason you're thinking that is because the

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Speaker 1: urge is now gone, right, you don't remember how strong

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Speaker 1: it was beforehand.

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Speaker 2: The second situation.

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Speaker 1: Where this is really common is when things have kind

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Speaker 1: of also been silently building up over time, and then

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Speaker 1: there's this very sudden trigger or catalyst that causes this

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Speaker 1: kind of emotional spillage with the first person in sight,

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Speaker 1: and it's basically a straw that breaks the camel's back

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Speaker 1: scenario when you least expect it. This can also be

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Speaker 1: described by the term trauma dumping.

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Speaker 2: Trauma dumping. We hear a lot about this these days.

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Speaker 1: And it's this kind of unexplainable, instantaneous desire to make

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Speaker 1: your experience is tangible and more manageable by saying them

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Speaker 1: out loud, by saying them to someone else.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 1: Obviously, verbalizing our emotions is a really healthy coping mechanism.

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Speaker 1: It's an important one. It's very important. But the caveat

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Speaker 1: being is that you have to do it with someone

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Speaker 1: who you trust and who was also opted in to

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Speaker 1: having this hard conversation with you. But in these situations,

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Speaker 1: the ones we're describing, you find yourself trauma dumping to someone.

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Speaker 2: Who you have no idea if you can.

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Speaker 1: Trust, but also someone who you have no idea if

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Speaker 1: they're actually prepared to hear it. You just can't help yourself.

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Speaker 1: Trauma dumping is actually quite common amongst people with complex PTSD,

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Speaker 1: you know, especially amongst people who maybe don't yet have

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Speaker 1: the skills to cope with such a nuanced experience of trauma.

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Speaker 1: So they're just looking for any kind of relief that

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Speaker 1: they can get, and sometimes the only relief is to

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Speaker 1: share the burden with someone else. There's kind of this

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Speaker 1: occasional attitude amongst people who don't understand trauma dumping. They

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Speaker 1: think it's like a selfish act. They think, you know,

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Speaker 1: it's done without someone's consent or care to their feelings.

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Speaker 1: It's malicious. It's not malicious. Often this person just can't

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Speaker 1: help them themselves, and that side of their brain, the

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Speaker 1: part that can rationally intercept and say, wait, maybe this

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Speaker 1: person doesn't want to hear this, maybe this is kind

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Speaker 1: of heavy. That's that part of their brain is kind

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Speaker 1: of switched off by all the pain they're in. You know,

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Speaker 1: they've lived with this trauma as well for a lot

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Speaker 1: of years, and so they maybe also don't realize that

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Speaker 1: others don't live with it right, So there's an asymmetry

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Speaker 1: and experience that can be tricky because you know, they've

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Speaker 1: kind of adjusted to how shocking and traumatic this thing

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Speaker 1: is and you're hearing it for the first time compared

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Speaker 1: to them who's been living it for so many years,

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Speaker 1: Like they just perhaps don't understand that it would really

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Speaker 1: hurt you. So the best advice I have if you

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Speaker 1: mean trauma dumped too, is to just be kind, to listen,

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Speaker 1: but don't provide any advice. Don't get too involved at

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Speaker 1: that moment, and don't be afraid to intercept and go, hey,

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Speaker 1: I just really I don't think we should be talking

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Speaker 1: about this right now.

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Speaker 2: I just don't have the headspace.

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Speaker 1: Can we just circle back on this later, Like, let's

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Speaker 1: set a time aside so you can really talk to

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Speaker 1: me openly about these things and I can be in

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Speaker 1: my most receptive state, the state.

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Speaker 2: That you deserve.

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Speaker 1: You've got to remember, sometimes it's really just the release

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Speaker 1: that they're after, nothing more, nothing less. So the final

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Speaker 1: situation where we really regret disclosure in the aftermath because

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Speaker 1: we didn't intend to share so much obviously occurs in

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Speaker 1: the presence of alcohol.

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Speaker 2: Alcohol.

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Speaker 1: This is a big one for people in their twenties,

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Speaker 1: especially because so many social situations are alcohol based, Like

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Speaker 1: when was the last time you hung out with people

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Speaker 1: and a drink was not involved? And I mean socially,

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Speaker 1: not like at work. Hopefully you're not drinking at work

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Speaker 1: at like twelve, I mean like with your friends. Because

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Speaker 1: alcohol is so prevalent in social situations that combines true things. Firstly,

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Speaker 1: less inhibitions mixed with more tunity is to share. And

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Speaker 1: I find this is especially common when you've kind of

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Speaker 1: run out of things to talk about. Have you ever

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Speaker 1: found this? Recently, I was at a friend's birthday dinner,

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Speaker 1: sitting next to someone I've never met, and the conversation

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Speaker 1: was stalling, and so I just told them something vulnerable

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Speaker 1: about my life, just to like relieve the awkwardness. And

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Speaker 1: it wasn't something like harmful. It was just super awkward

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Speaker 1: and super personal because I just wasn't thinking clearly, because

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Speaker 1: I just was looking for this connection and I didn't

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Speaker 1: want either of us to feel weird. And later I

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Speaker 1: was like, this person now knows this thing about me

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Speaker 1: that most people don't know, and why did I do that?

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Speaker 1: Alcohol obviously has an inhibitory effect on our brain. It

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Speaker 1: slows everything down, including our impulse control and our ability

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Speaker 1: to make rational decisions. So in the aftermath this can,

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Speaker 1: you know, also of course, create a lot of anxiety,

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Speaker 1: and it can be hard to isolate whether that anxiety

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Speaker 1: is because you actually embarrassed yourself or it's just your

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Speaker 1: brain's withdrawal from alcohol, which is naturally creating and causing

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Speaker 1: your anxiety to spike. You know, that's the hard thing.

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Speaker 1: Alcohol makes you overshare and then naturally heightens your anxiety. Afterwards,

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Speaker 1: so you can't really separate the two. If it's any consolation,

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Speaker 1: nine out of ten times that person is not judging you,

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Speaker 1: they won't think twice about it. They'll forget it in

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Speaker 1: a few days. Like I was trying, I was doing

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Speaker 1: this thought exercise recently. I was like, when was the

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Speaker 1: last time someone told me something when they were drunk

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Speaker 1: and I judged them for it? Or I was like,

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Speaker 1: that's weird. I can't remember, Like, I just can't remember

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Speaker 1: because we are not thinking about people that deeply. And

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Speaker 1: in fact, study published in twenty twenty two in the

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Speaker 1: Journal of Experimental Psychology found that this is true. We

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Speaker 1: regularly overestimate how much people are thinking about us and

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Speaker 1: for how long, and actually people.

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Speaker 2: Move on pretty quick.

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Speaker 1: But because of this phenomenon, which is called the beautiful

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Speaker 1: mess effect, we generally think that our own displays of

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Speaker 1: vulnerability are more visible and perceived negatively compared to others.

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Speaker 1: And that's totally not the case. It is totally not

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Speaker 1: the case that people are talking and gossiping about your

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Speaker 1: vulnerability and that it is as much of a story

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Speaker 1: in their lives as it is for you. We're going

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Speaker 1: to talk about this a little bit more later on

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Speaker 1: how to deal with the regret of oversharing. But let's

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Speaker 1: talk about that second category of vulnerability hangovers first. And

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Speaker 1: this is the category where we intentionally step into our

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Speaker 1: vulnerability because we know that the outcome is worth it,

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Speaker 1: but we still feel rather raw afterwards. So I've said

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Speaker 1: this before, I will say it again, say it till

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Speaker 1: the cows come home. I truly believe that relationships survive

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Speaker 1: on difficult conversations. You cannot have a healthy relationship without

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Speaker 1: having deep and hard chats at times.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 1: I believe that's the case with friends, family, boyfriend's girlfriends,

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Speaker 1: even colleagues. You know. One of my real guiding philosophies

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Speaker 1: in life actually is that a friend is not a

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Speaker 1: good friend until you have had a disagreement and you've

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Speaker 1: made it through the other side, because now you understand

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Speaker 1: each other so much better because it required you to

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Speaker 1: be vulnerable, It required you to be completely exposed and

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Speaker 1: to say, please don't hurt me anymore, please meet me

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Speaker 1: where I'm at. And for those of the people who do,

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Speaker 1: you come out so much stronger despite that. It's it's hard,

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Speaker 1: It's really freaking hard, especially if you're quite conflict averse.

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Speaker 1: Conflict diversion essentially means you really dislike anything that could

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Speaker 1: lead to someone being upset at you, being disappointed in you,

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Speaker 1: or discussions that would create unease. Conflict avoidance is and

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Speaker 1: you may have already guessed this significantly more common amongst

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Speaker 1: people who are chronic people pleases. Now the people pleases

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Speaker 1: real mission is not just to make everyone like them,

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Speaker 1: but also to save themselves from the discomfort of disappointing others,

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Speaker 1: because that discomfort feels a lot more severe to them

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Speaker 1: than to the average person. That can mean that they

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Speaker 1: appear as others. They're very agreeable, they say yes when

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Speaker 1: they should be saying no. But it also means that

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Speaker 1: they block out uncomfortable feelings, they let resentment linger for longer.

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Speaker 1: And I found that sometimes it is more comfortable or

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Speaker 1: easier for them to completely avoid someone, to maybe even

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Speaker 1: ghost them and to potentially lose the relationship. That is

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Speaker 1: easier for them than having a thirty minute hard chat

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Speaker 1: that could have, you know, otherwise save the relationship. And

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Speaker 1: it's not to say their cutthroat or they're cold or

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Speaker 1: they're harsh. The pressure and the feeling and the thought

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Speaker 1: of someone not liking them explicitly because of something that

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Speaker 1: they've done and something that they've said is so much

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Speaker 1: more uncomfortable than the idea of, you know, just letting

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Speaker 1: someone kind of fizzle out of their life, of never

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Speaker 1: having to confront them for it, never having to have

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Speaker 1: a vulnerability hangover. I would really recommend reading the article

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Speaker 1: called the Complexity of People Pleasing by Psychology Today if

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Speaker 1: you want to understand this more. But here's the thing,

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Speaker 1: the longer you find ways to avoid disagreement, the harder

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Speaker 1: it gets to appreciate the benefits of pushing past the

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Speaker 1: discomfort of vulnerability. This experience of vulnerability, you know, it

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Speaker 1: is somewhat painful in the moment, but when you avoid it,

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Speaker 1: and when you associate it with only negative experiences and

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Speaker 1: negative internal reactions like shame, discomfort, the ick, this can

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Speaker 1: make it so much harder and harder to practice. And

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Speaker 1: it reinforces those same uncomfortable feelings when we do, and

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Speaker 1: they're so much more magnified because we're not accustomed to them.

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Speaker 1: Until you know, we trust very very few people to

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Speaker 1: actually share things with, and any kind of disclosure is

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Speaker 1: met with immediate withdrawal from us. Because of this long

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Speaker 1: term association because we aren't in the practice of being vulnerable.

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Speaker 1: And I think at its worst, our avoidance of vulnerability

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Speaker 1: it can create real barriers to intimacy and real barriers

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Speaker 1: to authenticity.

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Speaker 2: But here's the thing.

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Speaker 1: I think that we are judging ourselves for our oversharing

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Speaker 1: and for our vulnerability and for our disclosures way too harshly.

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Speaker 1: Shame would not be a natural reaction to vulnerability. So

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Speaker 1: we're going to take a short break. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: explain why is that we do experience so much weirdness

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Speaker 1: and unpleasantness around being vulnerable, and what we can do

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Speaker 1: about it. So stay with us. The reason we feel

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Speaker 1: such an emotional reaction is not because vulnerability is inherently

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Speaker 1: or morally bad. Sometimes we equate negative feelings to mean

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Speaker 1: that something must be naturally quite evil. That kind of

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Speaker 1: explains the reason why we feel a natural discomfort when

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Speaker 1: we lie or when we hurt others, because we know

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Speaker 1: it goes against some kind of moral code, some kind

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Speaker 1: of rule for how we treat others. The thing is

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Speaker 1: the reaction we have towards vulnerability that has been artificially

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Speaker 1: in stated. It's come from past experiences we have been

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Speaker 1: taught no one wants to hear your business. People are

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Speaker 1: going to use your vulnerability against you. People see this

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Speaker 1: as weakness. People are gonna judge you. Keep it to yourself.

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Speaker 1: You should be ashamed. And we learn this so so young.

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Speaker 1: Think about the first time you were told to shut

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Speaker 1: up when you were crying, or your very valid feelings

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Speaker 1: were discounted, or someone rolled their eyes, someone told you

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Speaker 1: to stop overreacting, someone sent you to your room for

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Speaker 1: just saying I feel sad, or I feel in pain,

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Speaker 1: or I feel uncomfortable. That shame around vulnerability starts very,

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Speaker 1: very early, and research will tell you that the experience

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Speaker 1: of shame as a child makes children feel as though

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Speaker 1: they are inadequate. It creates sensations of humiliation, It makes

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Speaker 1: us see ourselves in a negative light. But it also

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Speaker 1: creates a behavioral loop in which we learned, through social conditioning,

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Speaker 1: not to repeat those same actions that put us into

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Speaker 1: this place of unpleasant and shame. So we avoid vulnerability

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Speaker 1: because again of that artificial association with being scolded, with

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Speaker 1: being ashamed, with being told not to have big emotions.

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Speaker 1: But if you were raised in an environment where this

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Speaker 1: wasn't the case, you would not have this association, it

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Speaker 1: just wouldn't exist, because again, you're not naturally meant to

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Speaker 1: feel this way. This emotional reaction is something inflicted on

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Speaker 1: us by early experiences and by a toxic approach to

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Speaker 1: vulnerability that has been quite frankly, I think brewing for generations.

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Speaker 1: So shame is the first core ingredient behind vulnerability hangovers.

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Speaker 1: The second part is the betrayal of trust that may

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Speaker 1: have occurred when you were vulnerable in the past. You know,

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Speaker 1: telling people things hard things brings so much to the surface,

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Speaker 1: but sometimes people take those hidden parts of us that

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Speaker 1: take a lot of courage to reveal and use them

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Speaker 1: against her. I think about this time when I was

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Speaker 1: in I was probably twelve, and I told someone that

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Speaker 1: I really liked them, that I had a crush on them,

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Speaker 1: and he went and told everybody, and someone made like

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Speaker 1: all these MySpace Facebook like posts about it, and everyone

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Speaker 1: was talking about it, and it really really hurt, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, well, I'm never going to do that again. Well,

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Speaker 1: you know what about that time that you trusted somebody

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Speaker 1: with a secret and they didn't respect the sanctity of it,

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Speaker 1: and suddenly everybody knew. Everyone's had an experience where their

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Speaker 1: vulnerability was weaponized against them, and when those experiences become

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00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,720
Speaker 1: core memories for you, what you begin to learn is

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Speaker 1: that being vulnerable is a violation of your emotional safety zone.

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Speaker 1: It's a threat in the amygdala, the part of your

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Speaker 1: brain that's responsible for fear detection. It's going to be

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00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:57,400
Speaker 1: screaming a whole lot of message messages at you. It's

402
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:02,320
Speaker 1: going to be telling you to run high yourself, try

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00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:05,159
Speaker 1: and be cold, try and play it off, anything to

404
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:10,240
Speaker 1: keep away the emotional danger. And that's why vulnerability hangovers

405
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:13,880
Speaker 1: can also feel so physical, because the amigdala can't really

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00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,719
Speaker 1: tell the difference between a physical and an emotional danger.

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00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:20,440
Speaker 1: It's going to respond kind of biologically and physiologically in

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Speaker 1: the same way, leading to a crash afterwards. I think

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Speaker 1: you're also part of seeing vulnerability as a threat is

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Speaker 1: thinking that there is a rejection waiting for you right

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00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:36,520
Speaker 1: around the corner. You're anticipating a change in their behavior,

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Speaker 1: You're anticipating judgment, and that vulnerability hangover is our brain

413
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:48,280
Speaker 1: mentally preparing us for rejection and kind of exhausting itself

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Speaker 1: by the possibility. By overthinking the possibility. The thing is

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00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:56,720
Speaker 1: you know, we really do have it all wrong. We

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Speaker 1: really do need to be vulnerable, despite people, yeah, maybe

417
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:04,640
Speaker 1: using it against us, despite it kind of being painful sometimes,

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Speaker 1: despite the fact that we may be rejected. You know,

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Speaker 1: if no one has told you this before, people want

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00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:15,359
Speaker 1: to be around people who are soft and open and

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00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:19,639
Speaker 1: generous with their experiences. They want to be around people

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00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,239
Speaker 1: who create an environment for others to also share and

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Speaker 1: let their guard down.

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Speaker 2: You know, it's a.

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Speaker 1: Very heavy world right now. It genuinely feels like frickin

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Speaker 1: end time. Sometimes we all want to feel less alone.

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00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:35,879
Speaker 1: Vulnerability is that solution. It is the birthplace of everything

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00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,760
Speaker 1: we're hungry for. In fact, to quote some recent research

429
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:43,320
Speaker 1: at you guys, we have found time and time again,

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Speaker 1: those of us who are more open about hard things

431
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:50,120
Speaker 1: and honest with their feelings, they enjoy greater personal success.

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Speaker 1: They have more friends, they have more positive emotions, which

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Speaker 1: seems counterintuitive, and they have greater self esteem. So let's

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00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,720
Speaker 1: talk about the secret source to doing this. How can

435
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,480
Speaker 1: we be more authentic? How can we make vulnerability a

436
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:07,000
Speaker 1: bigger part of our relationships and our lives? But also

437
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:10,080
Speaker 1: what do we do when we encounter vulnerability hangover like

438
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,760
Speaker 1: how do we approach that to begin with, to create

439
00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:17,240
Speaker 1: and start creating those positive associations in our mind between

440
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:25,719
Speaker 1: being vulnerable and feeling calm, passionate, kind towards ourselves. So,

441
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,480
Speaker 1: if you think you've said too much and you're kind

442
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,120
Speaker 1: of cringing at your words, here's exactly how I want

443
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,320
Speaker 1: you to manage this in a way that isn't just

444
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:34,080
Speaker 1: going to make you feel better now, but help you

445
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:38,080
Speaker 1: in the long term. Firstly, we are going to remind

446
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:42,119
Speaker 1: ourselves once again, nothing is ever as serious as our

447
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,480
Speaker 1: mind makes it out to be. We're just going to

448
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,719
Speaker 1: mentally ground ourselves for a moment. And I'm actually going

449
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:51,200
Speaker 1: to give you permission to catastrophize. I know that's probably

450
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,919
Speaker 1: not what you expected me to say, but yes, really

451
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:58,199
Speaker 1: let yourself right now, let your mind go wild. What

452
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:02,040
Speaker 1: is the worst case scenario. You've just said something stupid,

453
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:06,120
Speaker 1: stupid last night, you got too drunk, you confessed your feelings,

454
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:09,640
Speaker 1: You've been way too open with someone. What's the worst

455
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 1: case scenario right now? This person doesn't like you, they

456
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,600
Speaker 1: think you're weird, they don't want to be around you.

457
00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:18,960
Speaker 1: Whatever it is, push the barriers of your imagination. Now

458
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:22,399
Speaker 1: you've got that worst case scenario in mind. Guess what

459
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:27,440
Speaker 1: you can handle that That situation you're thinking of right now,

460
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:32,159
Speaker 1: it's totally manageable. It's not going to kill you. You

461
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:36,200
Speaker 1: would survive. And I want you to remember your brain

462
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,840
Speaker 1: is in overdrive. It's in fear mode right now. When

463
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 1: that's the case, it's always going to make things seem

464
00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:44,920
Speaker 1: a thousand times worse because it's trying to prepare you

465
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,800
Speaker 1: to practice your escape route. It's trying to test you.

466
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:50,920
Speaker 1: This situation you're thinking of is not going to happen,

467
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 1: And the good news for you is that you know

468
00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 1: that even if it did, you'd be fine.

469
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:56,320
Speaker 2: Anyways.

470
00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:00,840
Speaker 1: This is just your silly little brain. You're silly, over

471
00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:04,760
Speaker 1: protective brain. Sometimes it gets it wrong. Actually in these

472
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,120
Speaker 1: cases most of the time it does. So you've got

473
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 1: to call it out. You've got a name exactly what

474
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,640
Speaker 1: you're feeling right now, which is say it with me,

475
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:18,400
Speaker 1: a vulnerability hangover. That simple act of labeling can really

476
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:23,600
Speaker 1: reduce the grip that shame and anxiety has on us.

477
00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:27,600
Speaker 1: I also want you to choose to think differently about

478
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:31,120
Speaker 1: your actions. So instead of asking yourself why did I

479
00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:31,720
Speaker 1: say that?

480
00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:33,360
Speaker 2: Ask what was.

481
00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:40,600
Speaker 1: I needing in that moment shift from criticism to curiosity.

482
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:45,560
Speaker 1: Be curious about how your brain is firing, why it's

483
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:48,960
Speaker 1: choosing to disclose in those moments. What was it about

484
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,280
Speaker 1: that situation that really opened up your need to.

485
00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:56,560
Speaker 2: Be vulnerable with someone? You were honest for a reason.

486
00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:01,760
Speaker 1: You were probably seeking connection, you were seeking healing. And

487
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:04,480
Speaker 1: that's the intention that really matters. Even if the aftermath

488
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:07,960
Speaker 1: is uncomfortable. There's real beauty in that. It's real courage

489
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,760
Speaker 1: in letting like a really sensitive, gilly part.

490
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:11,600
Speaker 2: Of yourself be seen.

491
00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:16,080
Speaker 1: I also want you to know that, repeatedly studies have

492
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 1: shown us that vulnerability actually helps others trust you more.

493
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:23,560
Speaker 1: It helps others feel less isolated, it helps others feel

494
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:26,640
Speaker 1: more connected to someone. So you may have actually done

495
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,800
Speaker 1: this person a favor by being vulnerable, either intentionally or

496
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:35,479
Speaker 1: unintentionally by saying hey, this is an environment where you

497
00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:39,680
Speaker 1: can do the same by saying hey, I actually implicitly

498
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,560
Speaker 1: some part of me hopefully trusts you trust me as well.

499
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:48,120
Speaker 1: Really avoid the urge to backpedal. I've been there, I've

500
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:51,520
Speaker 1: done that. I've texted someone in the morning after being like, hey,

501
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,000
Speaker 1: you know the thing that I said, Like, can we

502
00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:54,920
Speaker 1: just keep that between us, like I'm super sorry that

503
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:56,840
Speaker 1: I said that blah blah blah blah blah.

504
00:30:57,520 --> 00:30:58,880
Speaker 2: No, because that is.

505
00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:03,320
Speaker 1: Implicitly unco anxiously sending you your brain a signal that

506
00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:05,680
Speaker 1: what you did was wrong and that you need to

507
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:09,480
Speaker 1: apologize and you need to, you know, pull yourself back

508
00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:15,160
Speaker 1: into this invisible space where your emotions are not allowed

509
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:18,720
Speaker 1: to be viewed. Please don't do that. Avoid the urge

510
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:22,560
Speaker 1: to backpedal. You can message someone and say, hey, thanks

511
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:25,320
Speaker 1: for listening to me last night, to reinforce that this

512
00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 1: is actually, of course, if it's not trauma, if it

513
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:30,720
Speaker 1: wasn't a trauma dumping situation, like it was just a

514
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:32,960
Speaker 1: deep chat that you were both involved in, like just

515
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:36,200
Speaker 1: to reinforce that this was okay and that you feel

516
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 1: comforted by them. Also, just reach out to friends and

517
00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:44,520
Speaker 1: what we call safe people afterwards, especially if you feel

518
00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 1: a little bit of regret or remorse, Just go on

519
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,760
Speaker 1: and tell them about how you're feeling about it, because

520
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,280
Speaker 1: most of the time they'll say, oh, that's nothing, that's okay,

521
00:31:55,800 --> 00:32:00,200
Speaker 1: I've been there, I was fine, And maybe that's the

522
00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:05,000
Speaker 1: example that we kind of need. If you're really fixating,

523
00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:09,440
Speaker 1: if you're really struggling. There is nothing a little bit

524
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:12,880
Speaker 1: of distraction can't fix. It's okay, it's okay to just

525
00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:14,720
Speaker 1: get out of your head and into your body and

526
00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:18,360
Speaker 1: into your environment for a little while, especially if that's

527
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:21,120
Speaker 1: what you need to then come back and integrate the experience.

528
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:23,360
Speaker 1: So feel free to give your brain something else to

529
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:27,760
Speaker 1: fixate on, something else to enjoy, so that the only

530
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,440
Speaker 1: feeling that is present in your body is not shame

531
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:34,000
Speaker 1: and anger and stress and anxiety. We are trying to

532
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:39,280
Speaker 1: interrupt that connection between and that immediate association I should say,

533
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:43,920
Speaker 1: between vulnerability and discomfort. So any way of doing that

534
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:48,000
Speaker 1: so that future vulnerability doesn't become something that's off limits

535
00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 1: to you is super important. Over time as well, you know,

536
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:54,160
Speaker 1: we do want to develop a greater emotional tolerance to

537
00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:58,520
Speaker 1: exposing ourselves to other people. That really does seem to

538
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,360
Speaker 1: be the long term solution here, and especially if you're

539
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,400
Speaker 1: in your twenties right now, this is an amazing time,

540
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:08,000
Speaker 1: an amazing opportunity. We have to rewire how we think

541
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:11,160
Speaker 1: about our emotions when we are still in such a

542
00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:14,080
Speaker 1: formative period. If we got this right, if we can

543
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:17,480
Speaker 1: do this right, you can go the next sixty years

544
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:21,960
Speaker 1: without another vulnerability hangover, only a vulnerability glow up, only

545
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:25,640
Speaker 1: a vulnerability glow. I should say, if you can successfully

546
00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:27,960
Speaker 1: integrate this, you can go the next sixty years with

547
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:33,080
Speaker 1: really powerful, meaningful relationships where people say what they mean

548
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:36,920
Speaker 1: and they mean what they say. What a huge win

549
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:40,400
Speaker 1: for humanity if more of us were doing that. The

550
00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 1: thing that has made this so much easier for me

551
00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:48,400
Speaker 1: is modeling myself on authentic individuals online, or modeling myself

552
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,080
Speaker 1: on a person who I really adore, who has the

553
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:54,240
Speaker 1: kind of conversations I would want to have, and who

554
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:57,320
Speaker 1: are incredibly open. I can name a few of these people.

555
00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:01,000
Speaker 1: The big one for me is, of course, Elizabeth Gilbert.

556
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:03,600
Speaker 1: She wrote Big Magic, she wrote Eat Prey Love. She

557
00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:06,680
Speaker 1: was on the podcast recently and she has a new

558
00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:09,920
Speaker 1: book coming out where she talks about the grief of

559
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:13,200
Speaker 1: losing the love of her life and she's just so

560
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:18,920
Speaker 1: raw about it, and I just was like blown away

561
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,840
Speaker 1: by that, and I was like, wow, I am so

562
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:25,360
Speaker 1: inspired by her, and I'm so attracted to her spirit

563
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:28,840
Speaker 1: and her energy. And so it's kind of like the

564
00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:30,719
Speaker 1: way when you were a kid you would want to

565
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:34,799
Speaker 1: wear the same clothes or appear like you get the

566
00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:38,120
Speaker 1: same haircut as your favorite celebrity or pop star. You know,

567
00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 1: the older you get now you're like emulating your like

568
00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:44,960
Speaker 1: emotional heroes and you're like spiritual heroes. But looking at

569
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:48,120
Speaker 1: her and thinking about her. Anytime I do something vulnerable

570
00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:51,120
Speaker 1: where I'm like, ugh, was that the right decision, I'm like, well,

571
00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:53,319
Speaker 1: if she's doing it and I like her, then maybe

572
00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:56,240
Speaker 1: someone will like me for doing it as well. So really,

573
00:34:56,280 --> 00:35:01,400
Speaker 1: the principle behind this is just vicarious learning. Vicarious learning

574
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,279
Speaker 1: was something first articulated by Albert Bondura. It's a part

575
00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:08,280
Speaker 1: of social learning theory, which basically says that the easiest,

576
00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:12,719
Speaker 1: one of the easiest ways to adopt, consciously or unconsciously

577
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:16,239
Speaker 1: a new pattern of behavior, or to give yourself permission

578
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:19,319
Speaker 1: to act a certain way is to view people you

579
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:23,400
Speaker 1: admire doing the thing that you want to possess in yourself.

580
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:26,600
Speaker 1: And the reason he says this works is because it

581
00:35:26,719 --> 00:35:31,080
Speaker 1: lowers the perceived risk, it reduces your sense of self doubt,

582
00:35:31,239 --> 00:35:35,240
Speaker 1: and it activates these things called mirror neurons. So these

583
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:38,799
Speaker 1: are cells in our brain that fire both when we

584
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:41,680
Speaker 1: act and when we observe someone else acting the way

585
00:35:41,719 --> 00:35:44,719
Speaker 1: that we want to, so they really help us simulate

586
00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:47,840
Speaker 1: the emotional and social experience of people we admire, so

587
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:51,320
Speaker 1: it reinforces that behavior. This is who I am. I

588
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:53,880
Speaker 1: am someone who is vulnerable. I'm someone who is okay

589
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:57,359
Speaker 1: being vulnerable by allowing us to identify with someone else

590
00:35:57,400 --> 00:36:01,680
Speaker 1: who we also admire for doing these things, and I

591
00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:03,880
Speaker 1: think it's a beautiful thing because then you can slowly

592
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:07,840
Speaker 1: become one of those people. And again I want to

593
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:12,239
Speaker 1: remind you people want people in their lives who are

594
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:15,759
Speaker 1: vulnerable and messy. I have a thought experiment for you

595
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:19,919
Speaker 1: on this one. Quickly, are you ready? Would you rather

596
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:27,200
Speaker 1: be friends with a someone who is perfect constantly? This

597
00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:30,640
Speaker 1: person makes no mistakes, This person is always happy, this

598
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,400
Speaker 1: person is always fun to be around. Or would you

599
00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:37,080
Speaker 1: rather be friends with someone who is imperfect, has stories

600
00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:40,719
Speaker 1: for you of when they screw up, who feels big emotions,

601
00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:43,400
Speaker 1: who isn't constantly on, who is willing to have hard chats,

602
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:47,000
Speaker 1: and who was also equally fun to be around. I

603
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:50,359
Speaker 1: think the answer is obvious. People aren't cardboard. They're not

604
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:54,160
Speaker 1: cardboard cutouts. We want to mention, we want depth. People

605
00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:57,920
Speaker 1: are craving that right now with so much freakin' AI

606
00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:02,400
Speaker 1: and you know whatever fake news going around. So, vulnerability

607
00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:05,279
Speaker 1: is actually a real human asset, something that you know,

608
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:10,480
Speaker 1: a robot artificial intelligence can never emulate. It's a real

609
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:13,760
Speaker 1: gateway to becoming closer with people, to seeing their souls,

610
00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:16,640
Speaker 1: to getting to hear the words you know, me too

611
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:20,160
Speaker 1: come back to you after sharing and feeling so much

612
00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:26,040
Speaker 1: less alone. Some final tips on accepting and embracing vulnerability.

613
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:28,479
Speaker 2: Make sure that the people you.

614
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:32,960
Speaker 1: Initially are vulnerable with are safe witnesses who are going

615
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:36,960
Speaker 1: to show you empathy and emotional maturity. Don't expect certain

616
00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:41,439
Speaker 1: outcomes from your vulnerability. Life is still unpredictable. Your vulnerability

617
00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:46,640
Speaker 1: does not promise you anything. And really practice the principles

618
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:51,960
Speaker 1: of gradual exposure, incrementally exposing yourself to more and more

619
00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:55,440
Speaker 1: vulnerability over time so that you can kind of rewire

620
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:59,440
Speaker 1: your fear response. Okay, those are my tips for a

621
00:37:59,520 --> 00:38:02,800
Speaker 1: more vulner generation and for not just dealing with a

622
00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:05,680
Speaker 1: vulnerability hangover in the moment, but as a long term

623
00:38:05,719 --> 00:38:07,920
Speaker 1: part of who you are. We are going to take

624
00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:10,799
Speaker 1: a short break, but when we return, we have four

625
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:21,239
Speaker 1: fabulous listener questions, So stay tuned. Alrighty, so I keep

626
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,520
Speaker 1: introducing this segment, but I feel like people are used

627
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:25,799
Speaker 1: to it by now. I'll probably only do this one

628
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:28,880
Speaker 1: more time if you haven't heard this segment yet. What

629
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:32,840
Speaker 1: we've been doing is inviting you, guys, the listeners, to

630
00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:37,360
Speaker 1: ask some of your more niche questions about each topic

631
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:39,360
Speaker 1: that we're doing, so that we don't miss anything, so

632
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:41,920
Speaker 1: that we cover everything. So every week I ask for

633
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:46,800
Speaker 1: your questions on our upcoming episodes, your dilemmas, queries, qualms, questions,

634
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,239
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And here are the ones we got

635
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:53,160
Speaker 1: for the idea of vulnerability hangovers. This first one I love.

636
00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:56,840
Speaker 1: Why does this happen post therapy? Every time I go

637
00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:58,879
Speaker 1: to therapy, I find that for the rest of the day,

638
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:01,920
Speaker 1: I am super sensitive, I'm irritable, I cry more, and

639
00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:06,320
Speaker 1: I always end up crashing. Is that a vulnerability hangover? Yes,

640
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:10,360
Speaker 1: it totally is, And oh my goodness, I've never related more.

641
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:13,600
Speaker 1: I'm the same. I always have to schedule therapy in

642
00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:17,080
Speaker 1: the afternoon or even the evenings, otherwise like the whole

643
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:19,800
Speaker 1: day is out of whack. When I was working corporate,

644
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:22,720
Speaker 1: I used to like just take the whole day off

645
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:26,839
Speaker 1: because I'm just like I just can't. I was only

646
00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:28,160
Speaker 1: doing it like twice a month, but I was like,

647
00:39:28,239 --> 00:39:30,480
Speaker 1: I just can't do this. I would just take my

648
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:32,560
Speaker 1: sick leave because I would come in and someone would

649
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,360
Speaker 1: be like, oh, did you see that email?

650
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:35,840
Speaker 2: And I'd be like what email?

651
00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:37,440
Speaker 1: And I'd be like, I don't know, I have a

652
00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:40,880
Speaker 1: pin here this morning, and I'd be crying. Therapy is

653
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:45,839
Speaker 1: the intentional vulnerability hangover we were talking about before, even

654
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:48,160
Speaker 1: though we know we can trust this person, even though

655
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:51,840
Speaker 1: even though we are opting into this experience and we

656
00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:55,040
Speaker 1: know it's safe so much as coming to the surface.

657
00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:58,479
Speaker 1: The really good thing about therapy and why it really

658
00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:01,560
Speaker 1: works is that it it makes so many of our

659
00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:04,880
Speaker 1: feelings and our emotions and our thoughts visible that we

660
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:08,840
Speaker 1: typically would ignore throughout our day, and we typically ignore

661
00:40:08,920 --> 00:40:14,080
Speaker 1: them for general functionality and survival purposes. You know, there's

662
00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:16,240
Speaker 1: a lot of big thoughts and feelings in our bodies

663
00:40:16,239 --> 00:40:18,640
Speaker 1: and in our brains, and if we were constantly thinking

664
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:21,319
Speaker 1: about them, we wouldn't get much done. Therapy gives us

665
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:24,400
Speaker 1: the space to think about them, and that can actually

666
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:30,640
Speaker 1: be both very well warding and very raw, very revealing.

667
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:33,880
Speaker 1: So that is exactly why you are feeling the way afterwards,

668
00:40:34,239 --> 00:40:36,680
Speaker 1: the way that you do everything's come to the surface,

669
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:39,000
Speaker 1: it's going to sit there for a while and then

670
00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:42,120
Speaker 1: it will settle. So my biggest hip do therapy in

671
00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:45,600
Speaker 1: the evening, go home and just do something you really

672
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:49,799
Speaker 1: want to do that's cozy, comforting and calm to kind

673
00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:54,960
Speaker 1: of ride that wave. This next question, can extreme vulnerability

674
00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:59,640
Speaker 1: be maladaptive? Now, I'm assuming we're not talking about trauma dumping,

675
00:41:00,239 --> 00:41:04,120
Speaker 1: because yes, that can be very maladaptive if you don't

676
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:08,880
Speaker 1: find ways to manage your vulnerability and your desire to

677
00:41:08,920 --> 00:41:12,759
Speaker 1: express vulnerability in a way that doesn't harm others. I

678
00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:15,920
Speaker 1: also think that vulnerability can be maladaptive if we're doing

679
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:20,840
Speaker 1: it artificially, in the sense that you're doing it just

680
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:26,120
Speaker 1: to force an early or an unnatural connection with someone

681
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:30,400
Speaker 1: by using experiences that you typically would tell someone about

682
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:34,880
Speaker 1: to fast track a connection. I see there's a lot

683
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:38,560
Speaker 1: in dating, especially if the person you're dating is somewhat

684
00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:43,880
Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable or not committing. Sometimes unconsciously we're like, well,

685
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:47,239
Speaker 1: if they know more about me, if I share more,

686
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:50,879
Speaker 1: they will feel more connected to me, and so I'll

687
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:54,160
Speaker 1: kind of trick them into being with me, not to

688
00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:57,160
Speaker 1: trick them but essentially be like, oh, look, I've made it,

689
00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:59,719
Speaker 1: so we are much closer than we are perhaps on

690
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:03,080
Speaker 1: an natural timeline. So I don't think that happens a lot,

691
00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:05,880
Speaker 1: but I do think that can be maladaptive. The second

692
00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:07,880
Speaker 1: way I think it can be maladaptive is if you

693
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:10,120
Speaker 1: aren't thinking about the other person and if you aren't

694
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:15,120
Speaker 1: noticing if it's triggering or upsetting them, and you know,

695
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:17,680
Speaker 1: sometimes that's something that you do need to be looking

696
00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:20,360
Speaker 1: out for, especially if this is a stranger, someone you

697
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:22,640
Speaker 1: don't know as well. It's why I always say go

698
00:42:22,719 --> 00:42:27,600
Speaker 1: to those trusted, safe individuals first. It can be maladaptive

699
00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:33,319
Speaker 1: and harmful if you are accidentally exposing people to things

700
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,399
Speaker 1: that maybe they're not entirely comfortable with for their own

701
00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:42,279
Speaker 1: past history reasons. Whatever it is, This next question I

702
00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:44,880
Speaker 1: love could do a whole episode on it.

703
00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:45,400
Speaker 2: Is it true?

704
00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:49,239
Speaker 1: Drunk words are sober thoughts in regards to vulnerability hangovers

705
00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:53,719
Speaker 1: post drinking. Okay, I had to go and do some

706
00:42:53,760 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 1: research on this. My perspective has always been yes, I yes,

707
00:43:00,239 --> 00:43:04,719
Speaker 1: no ifs or butts. I think that if someone says

708
00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:07,759
Speaker 1: something when they're drunk, perhaps they wouldn't have said it

709
00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:11,040
Speaker 1: the same way when they were somer, but they were

710
00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:15,759
Speaker 1: definitely thinking about it. I think the confessions, the emotional

711
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:21,719
Speaker 1: expressions that you make when your impulses are lessened are

712
00:43:21,760 --> 00:43:26,080
Speaker 1: often things that you have previously guarded and that you

713
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:28,840
Speaker 1: couldn't find the right time to talk about. The reason

714
00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:31,360
Speaker 1: I say this is because I know how alcohol works

715
00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:35,920
Speaker 1: on our brains. I know that alcohol is not a hallucinogen.

716
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:41,719
Speaker 1: It's not a psychedelic. It's not going to create new scenarios.

717
00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:45,160
Speaker 1: It's not going to suddenly make you this creative person

718
00:43:45,239 --> 00:43:46,839
Speaker 1: who is like, oh, I'm going to come up with

719
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:50,520
Speaker 1: a grievance like that grievance had to have had some

720
00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:54,880
Speaker 1: kind of inspiration from something previously. What I do know

721
00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:58,640
Speaker 1: about alcohol is that it's a relaxant, it's a depressant.

722
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:02,799
Speaker 1: It is going to really lower those social inhibitions. So

723
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:08,240
Speaker 1: I will say be gracious sometimes someone they probably regret

724
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:10,080
Speaker 1: it a lot, and sometimes they just say it.

725
00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:10,719
Speaker 2: In the wrong way.

726
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:14,080
Speaker 1: Look for the deeper meaning in it. Be open and

727
00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:16,400
Speaker 1: have a chat with it. And if you're the one

728
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:19,239
Speaker 1: who said the thing, the naughty thing, that's when you've

729
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:22,160
Speaker 1: been drunk own up to it, like you just got

730
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:23,759
Speaker 1: to fess up and say, hey, I didn't say that

731
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:26,920
Speaker 1: in the best way, but I did mean something deeper,

732
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:28,200
Speaker 1: and this is what I meant, and I should have

733
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:30,360
Speaker 1: said it to you when I was sober, and I'm sorry.

734
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:34,600
Speaker 1: We have time for one final question. I wasn't sure

735
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 1: if I wanted to answer this question, but I talk

736
00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:39,400
Speaker 1: about this a lot with my friends, so I was like,

737
00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:42,359
Speaker 1: I'll talk about it with you guys as well as

738
00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:44,680
Speaker 1: a public figure and someone who talks a lot about

739
00:44:44,680 --> 00:44:47,920
Speaker 1: their emotions and mental health online, how do you cope

740
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:51,480
Speaker 1: with being vulnerable? Have you found it difficult? Other things

741
00:44:51,719 --> 00:44:56,880
Speaker 1: you just can't share for that reason. So I posted

742
00:44:56,880 --> 00:45:01,120
Speaker 1: an episode last year about my mental breakdown that was

743
00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:03,800
Speaker 1: probably the most vulnerable I've ever been on the internet,

744
00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:08,200
Speaker 1: and probably the most vulnerable I've ever been ever to

745
00:45:08,280 --> 00:45:08,840
Speaker 1: some people.

746
00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:12,040
Speaker 2: You know it kind of it shocks me.

747
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:15,359
Speaker 1: That I decided to do that, even though it was

748
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,640
Speaker 1: you know fully, it was a choice I made very

749
00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:23,120
Speaker 1: pragmatically and with a clear head. It is hard being

750
00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:27,080
Speaker 1: vulnerable sometimes, I'll be honest, I do feel like parts

751
00:45:27,080 --> 00:45:31,960
Speaker 1: of my life have to be commodified. As an example,

752
00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:36,640
Speaker 1: in order to provide advice right stories about my love life,

753
00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:40,439
Speaker 1: or my friendship breakups or my mistakes. I'm like, oh, yeah,

754
00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:43,920
Speaker 1: that sucks, but now I have a good story out

755
00:45:43,920 --> 00:45:48,480
Speaker 1: of it, which is sometimes hard because it does occasionally

756
00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:51,080
Speaker 1: feel like there are things I need to keep sacred,

757
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:55,239
Speaker 1: there are things that I can't share. I think being

758
00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:58,799
Speaker 1: vulnerable about my relationships is something that I don't necessarily

759
00:45:58,880 --> 00:46:04,480
Speaker 1: do because that's not just me, that's someone else I

760
00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:06,240
Speaker 1: don't know, even if no one knew who they were.

761
00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:09,600
Speaker 1: Just the idea that they they would have to hear

762
00:46:09,640 --> 00:46:13,359
Speaker 1: my opinion on something first through this and not through

763
00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:18,680
Speaker 1: an honest conversation just feels kind of strange. But I

764
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:22,000
Speaker 1: find it's easier to be vulnerable online and just in

765
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:27,480
Speaker 1: my life because deep down, implicitly, I know that it

766
00:46:27,560 --> 00:46:30,719
Speaker 1: is probably helpful to someone, even if it's not completely

767
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:36,440
Speaker 1: entirely visible. And I know that changing the culture that

768
00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:41,680
Speaker 1: we have towards our emotions and our feelings is sometimes

769
00:46:41,719 --> 00:46:45,120
Speaker 1: big moments. And sometimes you think about when Prince Harry

770
00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:47,160
Speaker 1: talked about mental health, that was like a huge moment

771
00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:50,080
Speaker 1: I think in our pop culture history, that just one

772
00:46:50,120 --> 00:46:52,959
Speaker 1: that I can think of that change things.

773
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:55,080
Speaker 2: Not overnight but pretty rapidly.

774
00:46:57,320 --> 00:46:59,600
Speaker 1: And then there's just little moments and little things for

775
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:02,400
Speaker 1: people hear someone talking about something and they go, oh,

776
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:04,959
Speaker 1: maybe I should talk about that more. Maybe I should

777
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:07,560
Speaker 1: ask more questions about that, Maybe I should listen more

778
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:10,000
Speaker 1: when someone else talks about it in my real life.

779
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:13,520
Speaker 1: So I find it hard sometimes, but I definitely think

780
00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:16,440
Speaker 1: have better boundaries and it always feels like there's more

781
00:47:16,760 --> 00:47:20,000
Speaker 1: reward that comes from being vulnerable than any kind of

782
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:24,400
Speaker 1: consequence imaginable. So thank you so much for your very beautiful,

783
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:27,880
Speaker 1: very well thought out questions. This is quickly becoming my

784
00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:30,879
Speaker 1: favorite segment. But hey, if you've made it this far,

785
00:47:31,560 --> 00:47:34,359
Speaker 1: you're privy to our emoji of this episode, which is

786
00:47:35,040 --> 00:47:37,760
Speaker 1: a bubble a bubble or a bubble buff or something

787
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:41,920
Speaker 1: soft and vulnerable and I don't know, something soft and cozy.

788
00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:44,640
Speaker 1: That's going to be our emoji for the day. If

789
00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:45,839
Speaker 1: you have listened to.

790
00:47:45,840 --> 00:47:47,359
Speaker 2: This point, thank you for joining us.

791
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:51,680
Speaker 1: As always, if you have questions about this episode, if

792
00:47:51,719 --> 00:47:54,759
Speaker 1: you want to give feedback, if you have thoughts things

793
00:47:54,760 --> 00:47:57,440
Speaker 1: that have come up for you, follow me on Instagram

794
00:47:57,480 --> 00:48:01,600
Speaker 1: at that Psychology podcast, or you can follow me at

795
00:48:01,680 --> 00:48:04,440
Speaker 1: jemasbeg with a j to see more personal behind the

796
00:48:04,520 --> 00:48:08,000
Speaker 1: scenes stuff. That's going on with the show. Make sure

797
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:11,440
Speaker 1: that you are following along. Leave a comment, not just

798
00:48:11,520 --> 00:48:13,880
Speaker 1: our bubble emoji, but any other thought that you have.

799
00:48:14,400 --> 00:48:16,200
Speaker 1: Share it with a friend if you feel coold to

800
00:48:16,200 --> 00:48:20,719
Speaker 1: do so, and remember to stay safe, be kind, be

801
00:48:20,840 --> 00:48:25,319
Speaker 1: gentle to yourself, be vulnerable, and we will talk very

802
00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:25,919
Speaker 1: very soon.