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Speaker 1: This may come to a surprise to everyone, but everybody's

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Speaker 1: gonna die.

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Speaker 2: Well, damn, just jump right in. Why don't you.

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Speaker 3: Well When they say that grief comes in waves and stages,

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Speaker 3: I've become far too familiar and acquainted with.

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Speaker 2: That in the past few months.

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Speaker 4: Dead ass.

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Speaker 3: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.

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Speaker 4: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

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Speaker 2: Voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.

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Speaker 4: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes.

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Speaker 4: Sir, we are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: li's most taboo topics.

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Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

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Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred,

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 1: Were about to take philosoff to our whole new level.

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Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: So storytime, story time, I'm gonna take y'all back to.

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Speaker 4: I was.

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Speaker 1: Nineteen ninety six. Oh wow, back nineteen ninety six. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I was in seventh grade.

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Speaker 2: Nineteen hundreds.

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Speaker 4: As our kids would say, we're ancients, were vintage.

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Speaker 1: My Grandpa Titty one of my most favorite people in

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Speaker 1: the world.

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Speaker 4: Man.

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Speaker 1: He was married to my Grandma Wa. Shout out to

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Speaker 1: both of them. Titty t O O t I E

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Speaker 1: Titty t d. Okay, you said, Grandpa.

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Speaker 2: Tittymes that sounds like.

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Speaker 3: It does sound like to the Grandpa Titty.

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Speaker 1: He was My grandma Wa was I believe, second husband,

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Speaker 1: and he was the one I grew up with knowing

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Speaker 1: the most, very rich, just man cool though, but he

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Speaker 1: you know, he's he was a grandpa. He did with

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Speaker 1: Grandpa did start with you know what I'm saying, And

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Speaker 1: I remember he got sick and at that time I

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Speaker 1: was twelve, and during those times, your parents didn't talk

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Speaker 1: to you about grief or talk to you about illness

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Speaker 1: or sickness. It was just like Grandpapa Titty sick and

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Speaker 1: it is what it is. So we would go see

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Speaker 1: Grandma Wah Wah, go see my aunt Weezy, my uncle Sam,

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Speaker 1: and Grandpa Tooty just wasn't there. So one night I'd

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Speaker 1: had a dream and we can do a whole nother

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Speaker 1: podcast about these dreams I'd be having. But I had

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Speaker 1: a dream about my karate teacher one night, and it

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Speaker 1: was the same dream about me running through the forest

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Speaker 1: and then I would fall in a hole and then

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Speaker 1: the hole was like everlasting, and I would feel that

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Speaker 1: feeling of like falling, and then I would see their

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Speaker 1: face and I would wake up. I had that dream

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Speaker 1: about my grandma karate teacher, and he passed like two

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Speaker 1: days shortly after that, I had the same dream about

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Speaker 1: Grandpa Tooty. So I woke up in the middle of

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Speaker 1: the night and I demanded to my parents, I have

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Speaker 1: to go see Grandpa Titty, and they obliged. They took

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Speaker 1: me and my brother to go see Grandpa Titty, all

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Speaker 1: of us.

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Speaker 4: I went in the room.

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Speaker 1: Brian didn't. And when I saw Grandpa Titty, he was

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Speaker 1: dying of cancer. At that point, he was down to

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Speaker 1: like maybe ninety something pounds. He had the tube in

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Speaker 1: his mouth, the machine was breathing for him, and I

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Speaker 1: was immediately frightened, like immediately frightened.

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Speaker 4: But the next day he passed away. And ever since then.

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Speaker 1: Until my grandfather Charles Edward Ela Senior passed, I dealt

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Speaker 1: with grief.

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Speaker 4: Completely different.

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Speaker 3: All right, karaoke karaoke time. So there's so many songs

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Speaker 3: that we could sing about. There are so many songs

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Speaker 3: in death.

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Speaker 4: And what was.

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Speaker 1: The song that I first originally said I wanted to

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Speaker 1: sing in the cover I'll be missing you.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I'll be missing you.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: B I g Faith Evans, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: But then K was just like, no, we can sing

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Speaker 1: a different song, and being the clown she is, started

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Speaker 1: singing the song.

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Speaker 4: So I said, you know what, trying.

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Speaker 2: To laugh through my sadness, Let's give the people what

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Speaker 2: they want.

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Speaker 4: Boom boom boom boom boom boom.

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Speaker 1: Boom boom boom, tell me what you don't and do

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Speaker 1: what they know where to run, judge me, come figure

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Speaker 1: and judge me, Come for you, but you don't know

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Speaker 1: where to judge me.

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Speaker 4: Now you can't tell me. Y'all know what he was saying.

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Speaker 2: Everybody guds got it.

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Speaker 1: And I'm gonna miss everybody out and roll the bone man.

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Speaker 4: That's case favorite. Whenever I do the same.

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Speaker 1: Shout out to a harmony who pretty much much created

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Speaker 1: a whole different sound that became one of the most

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Speaker 1: popular sounds in rapping.

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Speaker 2: And they were literally in their own travel. And where

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Speaker 2: are you now?

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Speaker 1: I don't know, still doing tours singing Crossroads because it's

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Speaker 1: a dope song and it's nobody like it except Twist.

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Speaker 1: The kind of came in sort of rapping fast like that,

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Speaker 1: but nobody did it with the harmonizing like thugs bone

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Speaker 1: thugs in harmony.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, shout out to boone thugs and harmony. Where are

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Speaker 2: y'all at?

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Speaker 4: See you at the crossroads? You will be lonely.

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Speaker 1: And I'm gonna missmony and I'm gonna miss seremony.

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Speaker 2: That must be your favorite part.

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Speaker 1: And I'm gonna miss smony.

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Speaker 2: What don't miss, though, is these bills.

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Speaker 3: So let's go pay these ads and pay some bills,

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Speaker 3: get into the ads rather, and we're gonna be back

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Speaker 3: after we take a good break.

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Speaker 2: So stick around, y'all.

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Speaker 3: I pray that you don't have any dreams of running

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Speaker 3: through forests and falling and seeing my face or kids,

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Speaker 3: everybody that we love. That's crazy that you've done. Have

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Speaker 3: you had those dreams since then?

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Speaker 4: To be honest, no, you haven't.

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Speaker 1: I haven't, And to be honest, I haven't lost anyone

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Speaker 1: like that. Who my parents took me to see someone

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Speaker 1: about the dreams, And what I learned at that time

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Speaker 1: was that dreams are often manifestations of things that you

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Speaker 1: think about the most. That's how it was explained to me.

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Speaker 1: So if you're thinking about something, you've fallen asleep or

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Speaker 1: have you ever been sleeping or in a realm of sleep,

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Speaker 1: and then you hear something going on, and then you

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Speaker 1: wake up and what you hear was on television.

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Speaker 3: Yes, like you you fall in with the TV on,

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Speaker 3: or someone's having a conversation around you. Yes, that kind

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Speaker 3: of becomes like your dream. Yes, and you think you're dreaming,

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Speaker 3: but it really was something happening. Right, Yeah, I've been there.

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Speaker 1: So how it was explained to me at the time

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Speaker 1: I was real young was that you know, you were

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Speaker 1: thinking about these people, you care about these people, and

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Speaker 1: those thoughts manifest themselves into dreams, and dreams often manifest

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Speaker 1: themselves into what happens, because we as people tend to

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Speaker 1: live about our dreams.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 1: So when I asked to see my grandfather, same way

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Speaker 1: I didn't. I didn't ask to see my karate teacher.

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Speaker 1: Shout out to Anthony Commander, who died very young at

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Speaker 1: the early age of thirty two. I believe he had

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Speaker 1: a heart attack in the stage. But it frightened me.

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Speaker 1: Frightened me so after that point, and you know, I've

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Speaker 1: never expressed this to people, but I'll say it now.

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Speaker 4: There were three people who are very very.

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Speaker 1: Close to me, well four actually four people who are

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Speaker 1: very very close to me, who because of what I

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Speaker 1: went through with Grandpa Tooty, when they started to get

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Speaker 1: older and I noticed that they were starting to decline

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Speaker 1: in health, I just avoided.

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Speaker 4: Going to see them with them, yes, because I.

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Speaker 1: Didn't want it to be on my mind and I

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Speaker 1: think about it, then I have the dream and then

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Speaker 1: that's the last time I see them, you know.

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Speaker 3: So it was almost like protecting yourself from that, protecting

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Speaker 3: them from possibly dying sooner.

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Speaker 1: I thought I was with my Grandma Wah Wah first

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Speaker 1: and foremost, that she was like my heart you and

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Speaker 1: I used to go visit her every time we came

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Speaker 1: back from Hostra, we drove by Farmers Boulevard and we

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Speaker 1: stopped to see my Grandma wah Wah like she was

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Speaker 1: one of my favorite people. She listened to my games

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Speaker 1: on the radio, and as she started to get really,

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Speaker 1: really sick.

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Speaker 4: It was hard for me to go see her.

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Speaker 1: Because I was like, man, I don't want her to die.

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Speaker 1: I was being selfish. I don't want her to die,

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Speaker 1: so I'm not going to go see her. This way,

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Speaker 1: i don't think about her and I don't dream, and

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to be the reason she died.

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Speaker 4: Same thing with Pastor Boyd.

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Speaker 1: And it all changed really with my Grandpa Charles, and

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Speaker 1: it was because they lived with my parents. I went

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Speaker 1: to go see them as much as I could. I

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Speaker 1: didn't go see them because I was afraid. But then

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Speaker 1: when Pop went into the hospital he was suffering with COPD,

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Speaker 1: and my dad called and said, you know, I think

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Speaker 1: you need to get over here because this may be

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Speaker 1: the last few times you get a chance to.

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Speaker 4: See your pops. So like all I bet.

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Speaker 1: I remember that's what we had Jackson, Cairo and Caves

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Speaker 1: at the time, and we packed up the car. We

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Speaker 1: dropped them to your parents' house and we went to

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Speaker 1: go Seapop. I remember going into the hospital and people

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Speaker 1: from my family had started driving up from Virginia, six

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Speaker 1: hour eight hour drives just to be able to see Pop,

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Speaker 1: because he was the patriarch of the family and they

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Speaker 1: wanted to see him before he was gone. And he

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Speaker 1: didn't just have COPD, he had heart disease, he had

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Speaker 1: liver issues, he had diabetes, and he had a coloss

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Speaker 1: me back, like I said before, it was everything.

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Speaker 4: So I think his body was just failing him.

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Speaker 1: And my grandmother had just went into a home because

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Speaker 1: she's suffering from dementia, still suffering from dementia, and I

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Speaker 1: feel like his will to live and survive had finally

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Speaker 1: gone because he knew my grandmother was going to be okay.

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Speaker 2: Because prior to that, he was her soul.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, feel taker.

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Speaker 2: I mean, even with everything he was going through.

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Speaker 3: I remember just seeing how strong he was man the

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Speaker 3: fact that he gets up and he still made her

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Speaker 3: breakfast and still cooked brought her food.

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Speaker 2: To her and every day all that.

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Speaker 3: And it was also hard because she had her moments

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Speaker 3: where she had, you know, her episodes dealing with dementia,

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Speaker 3: and like she didn't even either remember who he was

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Speaker 3: at the time or she was going back to like

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Speaker 3: certain times in their life and he was just like

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Speaker 3: man like.

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Speaker 4: And it was a lot to she remembered who he

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Speaker 4: was always.

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Speaker 1: But I don't know what it is about dementia sometimes

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Speaker 1: they always remember the times that were the most difficult.

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Speaker 1: So she would wake up and see him and think

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Speaker 1: that she was in a time where they were going

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Speaker 1: through something. And I remember my dad being upstairs and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, comebine. I hear her screaming, and

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Speaker 1: he would just my fault. My grandfather is funny, right,

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Speaker 1: My grandfather's funny because my father said he would go

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Speaker 1: downstairs and just check on Nan and Nanna, you're okay,

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Speaker 1: And he'd walk by, Pop wouldn't say nothing, and she

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Speaker 1: be in her room screaming child Charles, and then he'd

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Speaker 1: be like, Dad, you okay, Dad, okay.

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Speaker 4: You didn't say not Dad, You're okay? He look up,

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Speaker 4: what did you say? Turn? He just turned off his

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Speaker 4: here and there and was watching the TV.

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Speaker 3: I love that, just watching it, watching the TV with

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Speaker 3: no sound, even if I don't have to hear her.

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Speaker 1: So it's funny though, that, like he loved her so

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Speaker 1: much that he was willing to sit in that. But

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Speaker 1: what really helped me deal with my grief was when

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Speaker 1: he was dying, my dad, who is now going to

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Speaker 1: be the patriarch of the family because his older brother

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Speaker 1: is suffering from Alzheimer's, like my grand my grandmother. It

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Speaker 1: was his decision of how we're going to handle pop's care.

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Speaker 1: And he was on morphine at the time because the

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Speaker 1: pain was so bad and he was had oxygen on

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Speaker 1: his nose, and he had said to my dad, Troy,

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Speaker 1: have mercy.

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Speaker 4: I'm tired. Like that's all he said, I'm tired. Have mercy.

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Speaker 1: And he was like that, like what do you mean,

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Speaker 1: Like what do you mean, Like if you spoke to

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Speaker 1: the doctor, the doctor said they can do this, and

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Speaker 1: he was just like no, He's like, no, have mercy.

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Speaker 4: Please let me go.

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Speaker 1: Literally said that to my dad, Troy, let me go,

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Speaker 1: have mercy, and I knew. I think he knew at

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Speaker 1: that point that my dad was the one in control

256
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Speaker 1: because he was of soundmi body. But they always leave

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Speaker 1: it up to a family member to make the decision.

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Speaker 4: So my dad called his sisters in there.

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Speaker 1: They spoke about it, and they had the discussion and

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Speaker 1: my father was just like, yo, like we can't be

261
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Speaker 1: selfish and say we won't pop around for us or

262
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Speaker 1: have him laid up in the hospital trying to deal

263
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Speaker 1: with all of these things.

264
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Speaker 4: There's no quality of life. So the next part.

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Speaker 1: Is like the most poetic part that may help me

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Speaker 1: deal with grief. After all of the grandkids, great grandkids

267
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Speaker 1: came up, he saw its great grandkids, my brother, his

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Speaker 1: grandson's daughter came up. Like he saw all of the generations,

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Speaker 1: four generations. He asked my dad to let him go.

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Speaker 1: My dad agreed to sign an NDR a DNR a DNR,

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Speaker 1: and the doctor said, once we take the oxygen out,

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Speaker 1: it's going to be difficult for.

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Speaker 4: Him to breathe.

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Speaker 1: He may last, you know, a day. It's going to

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Speaker 1: be a labor but we'll give him more fhiend so

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Speaker 1: he'll be comfortable. But once he takes the oxygen out,

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Speaker 1: it's all on him and his lungs aren't strong enough

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Speaker 1: to support it. And my father said, okay, deal. My

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Speaker 1: grandfather said, okay, sign the paperwork. They left. My father said,

280
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Speaker 1: my grandfather took the oxygen out his nose and by himself,

281
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Speaker 1: just took it out like this, looked at my father, smirked,

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Speaker 1: tears rolled down his eyes like this. He took a

283
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Speaker 1: deep breath, laid his head back. He was going in

284
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Speaker 1: ten seconds.

285
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Speaker 2: A way to go.

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Speaker 1: And that helped me deal with grief because he did

287
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Speaker 1: on his own terms. He got a chance to see

288
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Speaker 1: his family. He didn't die alone, died with his son there.

289
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Speaker 1: But it was such a proud moment. But it reminded

290
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Speaker 1: me is that we are in charge of our own destiny,

291
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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, And it's not up to

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Speaker 1: someone else to create what I were a final moments

293
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Speaker 1: are supposed to be. So it also helped me realize

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Speaker 1: that I can't ever blame myself, because a lot of

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Speaker 1: time grief is blame, you know, or guilt.

296
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Speaker 3: It's one of the stages of grief is guilt like

297
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Speaker 3: what could have done differently?

298
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Speaker 2: Or what more could I have done?

299
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Speaker 3: You know?

300
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Speaker 1: So, but seeing Pope helped me in ways that I

301
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Speaker 1: didn't think because I thought that if I saw him

302
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,200
Speaker 1: it would be I would see him in a sad

303
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,920
Speaker 1: state and I would remember the bad times and thinking

304
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Speaker 1: about Grandpa Tooty. But then after seeing him that day

305
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,840
Speaker 1: and my dad and then us coming back. You remember,

306
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,160
Speaker 1: it was about six of us in that room after

307
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Speaker 1: he passed and we're just making jokes and his body

308
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,600
Speaker 1: is still warm. He's over there, and there was like

309
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Speaker 1: a family moment with him sitting there. And ever since then,

310
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Speaker 1: I've dealt with grief differently.

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Speaker 3: Differently, I think, well, at this point, when you guys

312
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:53,640
Speaker 3: hear in real time now, my grandmother passed yesterday, yes

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Speaker 3: and she got super sick last June, developed a kittie infection,

314
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Speaker 3: went septic, and typically with sepsis at her age, she

315
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:08,440
Speaker 3: should not have survived it, especially how severe it was

316
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,880
Speaker 3: borderline pneumonia. Like there were just a bunch of things

317
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Speaker 3: falling apart at the same time. And my hats off

318
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Speaker 3: to my mom, my aunt, Susie who's also a nurse,

319
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Speaker 3: my sister, because the three of them really rallied around

320
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Speaker 3: each other with their clinical background to be able to

321
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Speaker 3: help the doctors and nurses kind of work on a

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Speaker 3: plan to get Grandma through that because there was a

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Speaker 3: lot of like juggling medications. You know, she had congestive

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Speaker 3: heart failure also, you know the kidney issue. Then there's

325
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Speaker 3: you know, the fluid building and the lungs and the breathing.

326
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Speaker 3: So she literally was kind of like this puzzle that

327
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Speaker 3: they were all trying to figure out the best way

328
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Speaker 3: to you know, give one medication but then not throw

329
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Speaker 3: something else off to require another medication. So in June,

330
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Speaker 3: we really thought that was the end, and I think

331
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Speaker 3: her feeling as ill as she did. You know, she

332
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Speaker 3: called for you know, her children and her grandchildren. It's

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Speaker 3: like everybody's just like, oh no, we got to go

334
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Speaker 3: see her. She's in FaceTime with my aunts.

335
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Speaker 2: There's you know. So all that happened in June. I

336
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:03,640
Speaker 2: made my way down there.

337
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,560
Speaker 3: I remember you saying just go, like off everything and go,

338
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,600
Speaker 3: and we drove down my mom and I to see her.

339
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Speaker 3: And I mean, my grandmother is a strong woman. Her

340
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,680
Speaker 3: mom lived till ninety seven, so I was really thinking

341
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Speaker 3: Grandma was gonna make it up into the nineties. I'm like, oh,

342
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,840
Speaker 3: that's the life expectancy on that side for sure. But

343
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,640
Speaker 3: she pushed past it, and she really had to. It

344
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:26,600
Speaker 3: was an uphill battle for her physically mentally because of

345
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Speaker 3: the sepsis.

346
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:31,320
Speaker 2: Her cognitive functions were all off. She was confused.

347
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:36,040
Speaker 3: But it was weird the timing when everything happened, because

348
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,680
Speaker 3: you think about grief that you can prepare for because

349
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,360
Speaker 3: you know someone's going within, there's the sudden grief or

350
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,120
Speaker 3: the tragic grief or the tragic loss that's out of

351
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,920
Speaker 3: nowhere that she don't expect. So as Grandma was getting better,

352
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,160
Speaker 3: over the summer, she still had a little bit of

353
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:55,080
Speaker 3: confusion going into the fall, and my uncle Paul passed

354
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Speaker 3: away October fourth in his sleep with a heart attack,

355
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,560
Speaker 3: and it almost kind of helped grandma my deal with

356
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,200
Speaker 3: the grief of that, because she still had this confusion

357
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,280
Speaker 3: of that, like Paul didn't.

358
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Speaker 2: Die, like there's no way, you know.

359
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:08,920
Speaker 3: But then she would also say, yeah, she was calling

360
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,760
Speaker 3: his phone still and she's just like, why didn't Paul

361
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,800
Speaker 3: call me today? Because he would call her every day.

362
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,639
Speaker 3: So that confusion that she had and also him not

363
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,280
Speaker 3: being in the same state as her kind of helped

364
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,639
Speaker 3: her deal with the grief of losing her son, because

365
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,720
Speaker 3: we definitely thought that was going to throw her over

366
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Speaker 3: the edge.

367
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Speaker 1: They said, there's one thing that a mother should never do,

368
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Speaker 1: and that's bury their child.

369
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:29,520
Speaker 2: Their child. Yeah, that's in fact.

370
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Speaker 4: The mother should never have to endure that.

371
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Speaker 2: Nope, nope.

372
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Speaker 3: And I feel like if if that had happened when

373
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Speaker 3: she before she even got sick in June, it would

374
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,879
Speaker 3: have been a completely different reaction for her losing my uncle.

375
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,080
Speaker 3: But you know, the family had to work past that

376
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,800
Speaker 3: because again, that was sudden, unexpected. He wasn't ill you know,

377
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,360
Speaker 3: to our knowledge, like everything was fine. So by November,

378
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,639
Speaker 3: Grandma was back to her old self. She called me

379
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,840
Speaker 3: for my birthday. Actually just replayed a voice note that

380
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:57,040
Speaker 3: she left me on my birthday. She would call me

381
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:59,320
Speaker 3: sweet Ka and she's like, sweet Ka, happy birthday. I

382
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,960
Speaker 3: know you're probably now with the family, and you know,

383
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,200
Speaker 3: so she was back to her normal self in December,

384
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:07,040
Speaker 3: so we were all thinking, okay, we're on the oven up,

385
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:12,960
Speaker 3: and you know, she I think her body just got tired. Yeah,

386
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,960
Speaker 3: her body just got tired. She had you know, eight children,

387
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,199
Speaker 3: six who were living you know, worked for years and

388
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,480
Speaker 3: years and years, didn't have the easiest life back home

389
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,320
Speaker 3: in Jamaica. And I just think that her body was tired.

390
00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:28,560
Speaker 3: But she was holding on a lot for the family.

391
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,679
Speaker 3: So we tend to see that sometimes with older family members,

392
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:32,360
Speaker 3: like you.

393
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,040
Speaker 2: Know, you just want to be there for the family.

394
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:38,080
Speaker 3: Because I think she also anticipated how great the loss

395
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,160
Speaker 3: was going to be for us, you know, her grandchildren,

396
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,880
Speaker 3: her children, her great grands So there was that will

397
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,320
Speaker 3: to live that she had for a long time, and

398
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:50,200
Speaker 3: she fought. But things took a turn for the worst,

399
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,000
Speaker 3: you know, ten days ago or two weeks now at

400
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,240
Speaker 3: this point, you know, her doctors pretty much said that

401
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,640
Speaker 3: there was nothing more medically that they could do for her.

402
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,840
Speaker 3: They couldn't juggle them dedication anymore, her body was refilling

403
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:04,800
Speaker 3: with fluid again, she was in stage three killing kidney failure,

404
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:06,280
Speaker 3: you know.

405
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,240
Speaker 2: The heart heart failure as well.

406
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,200
Speaker 3: So there really just wasn't anything from a medical standpoint

407
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:15,000
Speaker 3: that they could do anymore for her. So that's when

408
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,440
Speaker 3: the family decided along with her because at this point

409
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,879
Speaker 3: now cognitively again she's in a good space.

410
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,800
Speaker 2: Yah, And she agreed to go on hospice.

411
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,840
Speaker 3: So when I heard hospice, I'm thinking, Okay, well hospice.

412
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,320
Speaker 3: Some people are in hospice for months, you know, some

413
00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:32,040
Speaker 3: people are in hospice for a couple of days. And

414
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:36,760
Speaker 3: we were just hopeful that she would pull through until again,

415
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,200
Speaker 3: at the very end, it's a very like one day's

416
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,040
Speaker 3: a good day, the next day is not a good day.

417
00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:44,080
Speaker 3: And we got a call on a Sunday that it

418
00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:46,919
Speaker 3: wasn't a good day. So Mom and I, you know,

419
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,680
Speaker 3: and my mom, I realized that she was she wasn't

420
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,280
Speaker 3: in a rush to get down there. And I don't

421
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,960
Speaker 3: know if part of it was denial for her just

422
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,720
Speaker 3: thinking like no, like, Mom's not going to go now,

423
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,720
Speaker 3: or part of it just also being not knowing how

424
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,720
Speaker 3: to face it and deal with the fact that you're

425
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,520
Speaker 3: losing your mother. So I really tried to give my

426
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,760
Speaker 3: mom grace in that moment because my grandmother was asking

427
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,920
Speaker 3: for her, but she kept saying, Oh, I'll go.

428
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:09,879
Speaker 2: Down like next week.

429
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:14,720
Speaker 3: And I was like, Mom, I don't want Grandma to

430
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,840
Speaker 3: not make it. And you say that you were on

431
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,439
Speaker 3: your way like with Grandpa, because that exactly happened with

432
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,439
Speaker 3: my grandfather. We were living in New York and Brooklyn

433
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,720
Speaker 3: at the time, and they said, I think you should

434
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,440
Speaker 3: come down, Sharon, and she had a flight like the

435
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:31,040
Speaker 3: day or day after and Grandpa passed, and she was

436
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,080
Speaker 3: just like, Dad, you didn't wait for me.

437
00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:34,480
Speaker 2: You didn't wait for me. I was on my way.

438
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,240
Speaker 3: And I was heartbroken for her in that moment because

439
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:38,800
Speaker 3: I'm like, man, she didn't get a chance, you know,

440
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,440
Speaker 3: to go down and make peace with it and say

441
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:41,000
Speaker 3: her goodbye.

442
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:44,800
Speaker 2: So to avoid something like this happening again with her mom.

443
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,480
Speaker 3: In the event that Grandma lives through hospice for months, great,

444
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,560
Speaker 3: but if not, I want to make sure that you're

445
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:55,480
Speaker 3: down there to see her. She's asking specifically for you.

446
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,960
Speaker 3: She was asking for me, she was asking for my sister.

447
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,719
Speaker 3: So we went down to see her and she did

448
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:02,600
Speaker 3: perk up a bit because I just feel like being

449
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:03,840
Speaker 3: in the same space with.

450
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,280
Speaker 2: Her, you know, she was seeing her favorite people.

451
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:06,679
Speaker 4: You know.

452
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,720
Speaker 2: We had two really good days with her.

453
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:13,520
Speaker 3: I was able to talk to her, thank her, you know,

454
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,679
Speaker 3: for the impact she had in my life for the

455
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,560
Speaker 3: past forty years, the impact over the life that we've

456
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:22,880
Speaker 3: had together. Our boys who were fortunate enough to meet

457
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,440
Speaker 3: her and know her, Yeah.

458
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:25,560
Speaker 4: She helped.

459
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,560
Speaker 1: She helped bring them into this life. When she literally

460
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:32,280
Speaker 1: had the boys, she always flew up. She always helped

461
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:33,800
Speaker 1: for weeks she was there.

462
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,240
Speaker 3: She was remember for our home birth with Kaz. She like,

463
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:43,200
Speaker 3: you know, there was nothing like having that maternal support,

464
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:46,040
Speaker 3: you know, from the women around me that I really

465
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,919
Speaker 3: needed in that space. She got to come see our

466
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,280
Speaker 3: house here in Georgia. So I was just talking to

467
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,439
Speaker 3: her about those things, and she was like, okayky, my

468
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,159
Speaker 3: little girl that never used to like to eat, you know,

469
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,880
Speaker 3: and she's talking about as a kid, yep. And I said,

470
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,800
Speaker 3: what's my favorite meal that you would make me? And

471
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,520
Speaker 3: she said, oh, you love Oxdale and one of the

472
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,400
Speaker 3: last things she said to me, because at this point

473
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:12,000
Speaker 3: I know that I'm essentially saying goodbye to her.

474
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:20,960
Speaker 1: That's all right, baby, take your time, still very fresh.

475
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:27,200
Speaker 2: So knowing that.

476
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:30,400
Speaker 3: I knew that this was going to be my last

477
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:35,919
Speaker 3: time seeing her, in my last conversation with her, and.

478
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,640
Speaker 2: I was like, all right, Grandma, I got.

479
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,439
Speaker 3: To get back to the boys and they have school,

480
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,760
Speaker 3: and you know, Devale was holding down the fort for me,

481
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,560
Speaker 3: so I said, I have to go. I said, but

482
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,320
Speaker 3: I love you, and I thank you for everything, and

483
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:56,760
Speaker 3: just watch over us. And she said, okay, I'm so

484
00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:02,560
Speaker 3: proud of you. I'm so proud of you and Deville

485
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,280
Speaker 3: and those boys. And I said I love you and

486
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,080
Speaker 3: she said I love you too. And that was our

487
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:15,679
Speaker 3: last conversation in person, you know, And of course I called,

488
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,399
Speaker 3: you know, face timed her the next couple of days,

489
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:20,879
Speaker 3: just check on her and stuff. You know, have a

490
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,880
Speaker 3: screenshot of she and I have FaceTime. Because she would

491
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,240
Speaker 3: never put her face in the phone. It was always

492
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,440
Speaker 3: like half of the ceiling and like half of her eyes.

493
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:31,879
Speaker 3: So I was on FaceTime with her the last time,

494
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,680
Speaker 3: I think was on Monday, and she passed on Wednesday.

495
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:42,920
Speaker 3: And it's crazy because of course you tried to prepare

496
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:44,680
Speaker 3: for it. So I thought that going down to see

497
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,440
Speaker 3: her prepares me. And I'm like, oh, I'll be fine.

498
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:47,800
Speaker 3: But you know, when she goes to the least, I

499
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,280
Speaker 3: know she's not in pain. And I got to speak

500
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:50,960
Speaker 3: to her, I got to tell everything I want to

501
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:56,200
Speaker 3: tell her. When it actually happens, it's like, nothing can

502
00:23:56,400 --> 00:24:01,040
Speaker 3: really prepare you for that. But I do feel like, man,

503
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:09,200
Speaker 3: in my forty years, we lived, yeah together, we lived.

504
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:12,160
Speaker 4: A good times.

505
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:16,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, No, we had some good times. She would come

506
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,360
Speaker 3: other than when she would come up to New York

507
00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:22,200
Speaker 3: for the holidays, you know Mother's Day. There was like

508
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,040
Speaker 3: two or three Mother's Day that we drove to Virginia

509
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:26,920
Speaker 3: to meet my friend Tiffany, and we'd have a spa

510
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,000
Speaker 3: weekend together. You know. Every time I was on the

511
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,240
Speaker 3: bus coming home from high school, I had a heat

512
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:34,520
Speaker 3: to the house. She had cut me a key when

513
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,320
Speaker 3: I was taking the bus, and she was like, just

514
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:37,840
Speaker 3: keep the key in case you need to stop in

515
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:40,200
Speaker 3: the house, like it's always here for you.

516
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:40,399
Speaker 1: You know.

517
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,879
Speaker 2: She was the only one that had McDonald's money for me.

518
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,280
Speaker 3: Back in the day when my parents were like, no,

519
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:46,560
Speaker 3: there's food at home.

520
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,800
Speaker 2: She'd just like pushed the McDonald's money in my hand.

521
00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:52,040
Speaker 1: Grandma always gonna give you McDonald's Monday, because mother's always

522
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:53,480
Speaker 1: gonna ask you got McDonald's money.

523
00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:55,880
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, yeah, because I do.

524
00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:00,000
Speaker 3: Grandma gave me McDonald's money, you know, just everything she said,

525
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,560
Speaker 3: take me around the corner to S and D to

526
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,440
Speaker 3: go shop for like dresses for church.

527
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,639
Speaker 2: She'd take us to Sabbath School together.

528
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:07,479
Speaker 3: And we just wanted to be like Tristan and I

529
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,280
Speaker 3: just wanted to be in her presence, so we'd go

530
00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:13,080
Speaker 3: to Sabbath School with her, come back to the house.

531
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:16,560
Speaker 3: She taught me almost everything I know about cooking, how

532
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,200
Speaker 3: to be a great mom, how to be a great wife.

533
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:25,720
Speaker 3: Like it doesn't yet it didn't.

534
00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:29,960
Speaker 2: It didn't die with her, No, it didn't.

535
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,880
Speaker 1: Roots You know, you you will live through Grandma will

536
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,119
Speaker 1: live through you.

537
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:36,639
Speaker 4: Just know that.

538
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,760
Speaker 3: I definitely pray that I can be a fraction you

539
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:43,960
Speaker 3: know of the woman that she was, especially as like

540
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:48,199
Speaker 3: a wife and a grandmother and a and a mom.

541
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:49,080
Speaker 3: You know.

542
00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:52,720
Speaker 1: I remember one of the earliest memories I have going

543
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:55,400
Speaker 1: to your house for Christmas. Of course Grandma was there

544
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,199
Speaker 1: and you got me a plate of fool and she

545
00:25:58,240 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 1: came over.

546
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,560
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, she came home.

547
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,360
Speaker 4: When she snatched the plate of food up, she said.

548
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,160
Speaker 2: No, no, no, that's not how we do think here.

549
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,200
Speaker 4: You don't feed no matter food on a plastic plate,

550
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:11,040
Speaker 4: paper plate.

551
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:15,280
Speaker 3: I was like my grandma's Christmas and we're doing all disposable.

552
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:18,560
Speaker 3: Ain't nobody washing no more dishes. We've been cooking all day.

553
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,639
Speaker 3: And she said, go and get the young man a

554
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:25,840
Speaker 3: plate out of the cupboard, and you get a good food.

555
00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:29,159
Speaker 3: And it's forking knife. Because she was always like my

556
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 3: grandfather with the forking knife. But yep, she always made

557
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:34,639
Speaker 3: sure she wants to make sure that was taken care of.

558
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:35,560
Speaker 2: And she was a real one.

559
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:37,720
Speaker 3: She used always, you know, even after I had kids

560
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,359
Speaker 3: and everything, she used to tell me, take care of yourself,

561
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,760
Speaker 3: you know, make sure your husband sees you're looking good

562
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:43,800
Speaker 3: and nice and.

563
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:47,080
Speaker 2: Picked up back yourself. She would tell me that when

564
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,160
Speaker 2: she just she just knew, she knew what it took.

565
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,320
Speaker 4: She did, she didn't know what it took.

566
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,240
Speaker 1: And she was also willing to jump in and be

567
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,639
Speaker 1: an active participant in making sure that you were able

568
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:58,600
Speaker 1: to be where you needed to be for the family.

569
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,399
Speaker 1: That's why she came up. The baby will be crying

570
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:02,879
Speaker 1: and she will go grab the baby up.

571
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:05,919
Speaker 3: And remember that, did you ever tell the story at

572
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:07,679
Speaker 3: the time she came and thought it was the baby?

573
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:10,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, so embarrassing.

574
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,520
Speaker 4: This is actually a funny, very very funny.

575
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,959
Speaker 3: Grandma probably laughed to herself about that while I was

576
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,840
Speaker 3: like crawling into a hole and wanted to die.

577
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,600
Speaker 1: So me and Kay, Me and Kay went out one

578
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:28,560
Speaker 1: time and we came back at a very nice time,

579
00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:31,160
Speaker 1: and Grandma was staying with us. And at this time

580
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,320
Speaker 1: Grandma was staying it back in Jackson's room.

581
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 2: We're in the apartment.

582
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,840
Speaker 1: We're in the apartment and me and Kay doing what

583
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:39,439
Speaker 1: we do and k then was a little you know,

584
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:44,960
Speaker 1: so she was a little bit louder than normal because

585
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,080
Speaker 1: typically when we know that, when we.

586
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,440
Speaker 4: Know that Grandma's there is quiet tom.

587
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:51,919
Speaker 1: But she was making a little bit noise, and I

588
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:56,119
Speaker 1: think Grandma believed it was the baby. So Grandma busted

589
00:27:56,119 --> 00:27:59,439
Speaker 1: in the room as she normally do, and there was

590
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:02,320
Speaker 1: some things going on. Not the funny thing was Kau

591
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:06,119
Speaker 1: then don't even remember Grandma busting in the room. I

592
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:09,560
Speaker 1: busting her eyes. I'm like oh shoo, and kays like

593
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:13,120
Speaker 1: what what what? Grandma closed the door back? Never said

594
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:15,320
Speaker 1: anything like she just closed the door back. Now, y'all

595
00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 1: know me, I ain't gonna stop once Grandma closed the door, right,

596
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:20,840
Speaker 1: she had eight.

597
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:22,080
Speaker 4: Kids and the baby.

598
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:24,480
Speaker 2: Maybe you had to like nurse the baby or something.

599
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,959
Speaker 4: Yes, that's literally, that's literally what happened.

600
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,080
Speaker 2: If I had some drinks that I wouldn't have been nursing.

601
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,640
Speaker 4: But we had went out and then you just wanted the.

602
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,640
Speaker 2: Baby, wanted the baby, so you were.

603
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 1: And you grabbed the baby and the baby was sleep

604
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:40,680
Speaker 1: and you were just like, wow, we were doing our things.

605
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:44,880
Speaker 1: But the funny part is the next morning I come out,

606
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:47,240
Speaker 1: and you know, I like to handle things head on,

607
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 1: so I wasn't gonna act like Grandma didn't just see me.

608
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 4: Asked up. You know what I'm saying. Well, k ass up,

609
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:55,200
Speaker 4: you know what I'm saying. But both of us asked,

610
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:57,480
Speaker 4: So I was like, hey.

611
00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:02,160
Speaker 1: Grandma, she said, you all you know I'm here, but

612
00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:03,160
Speaker 1: I'm not here.

613
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:08,040
Speaker 4: That's all she said. And then she just kept them moving.

614
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:13,760
Speaker 1: And I respected it because she respected our house and

615
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,120
Speaker 1: I probably the same way when Kaz was here and

616
00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:19,320
Speaker 1: you and I ended up having an argument. It wasn't

617
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,520
Speaker 1: just about those When we were having an argument, we were

618
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,720
Speaker 1: going at it. And then, just like with the sex thing,

619
00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:27,520
Speaker 1: the next day, I went up to Grandma and I said, Grandma,

620
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:32,280
Speaker 1: no you heard, and she said, be tart, I'm here,

621
00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:36,720
Speaker 1: but I'm not here. And I was like, see that's

622
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:40,400
Speaker 1: a grandma Grandma's they don't get involved.

623
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:42,960
Speaker 4: She never judged me or okay for anything.

624
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,160
Speaker 2: She definitely gave me a talking after though, she said

625
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:45,880
Speaker 2: your a husband.

626
00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:47,080
Speaker 4: Okay.

627
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:52,440
Speaker 2: I just know he had a point. Since when did

628
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:54,400
Speaker 2: you get on his side? Like when did this?

629
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:55,800
Speaker 4: Do you remember what the argument was about?

630
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:57,120
Speaker 2: Don't you remember what it was about?

631
00:29:57,440 --> 00:30:00,000
Speaker 1: The argument was about you you went out with the girl.

632
00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:01,960
Speaker 1: There was a time when we had just had cash.

633
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:03,880
Speaker 1: You had went out with the girls because it was

634
00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:07,520
Speaker 1: right like after your birthday and I was calling and

635
00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:09,120
Speaker 1: I couldn't get you, and you had said you were

636
00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:09,400
Speaker 1: going to.

637
00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:11,440
Speaker 4: Call me when you got there.

638
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:13,400
Speaker 1: So then you you didn't call when you got there,

639
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:15,040
Speaker 1: and then we only had one card at the time.

640
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:16,160
Speaker 4: Then you came back late.

641
00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,840
Speaker 1: I still had to go to work, and then we

642
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:22,360
Speaker 1: were arguing about communication, and then you were saying.

643
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:25,440
Speaker 4: Like if I don't get out often, and it was

644
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:26,120
Speaker 4: just an argument.

645
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 1: It was one of those arguments that you know, I want.

646
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:33,800
Speaker 1: I was concerned about where you were. But Grandma was

647
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:38,720
Speaker 1: definitely like one of one, you know, and not not

648
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:43,920
Speaker 1: to shift gears, but it reminds me of my grandmother.

649
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,320
Speaker 2: Like my Nana, like that generation of folks.

650
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,320
Speaker 4: They were different. They understood.

651
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:55,960
Speaker 1: As you get older, you you understand why things are

652
00:30:56,000 --> 00:31:02,880
Speaker 1: the way they are. And my Nana was like live

653
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:07,400
Speaker 1: wire to say the least. But her heart was so huge.

654
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 1: And my grandmother is still alive, but she has dementia bad,

655
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:18,880
Speaker 1: so her mind. She hasn't been with us, so I

656
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:22,760
Speaker 1: say at least ten years now.

657
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,040
Speaker 4: No, it wasn't that bad Pops.

658
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:29,960
Speaker 1: Pops passed in twenty and nineteen, so I would say

659
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,880
Speaker 1: since twenty seventeen she's been kind of like going, so

660
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:35,680
Speaker 1: it's about seven years.

661
00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:38,680
Speaker 2: It's always weird when anyone talks about her.

662
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,960
Speaker 3: And the fact was like Nana was, I'm like, she's

663
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:45,120
Speaker 3: still here and she's still alive, but she is not.

664
00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:48,920
Speaker 4: You know, I still grieve. You know you're talking about

665
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:50,800
Speaker 4: your Grandmother's reminded me my mind.

666
00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:56,000
Speaker 1: And it's funny when you talk about grief and you

667
00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:57,680
Speaker 1: say like, I'm dealing with I know how to deal.

668
00:31:57,720 --> 00:31:58,400
Speaker 4: I know how to deal.

669
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:00,719
Speaker 1: And then you start thinking and and it's like, are

670
00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:04,080
Speaker 1: you really dealing that's literally or are you like ignoring

671
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:08,240
Speaker 1: the fact that someone who you've known your whole life

672
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:09,880
Speaker 1: of loving is no longer going to be here?

673
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:10,480
Speaker 2: Yeah?

674
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:11,920
Speaker 3: I think that was me. When I first got the

675
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:14,320
Speaker 3: news yesterday, it was like, okay, so we knew this

676
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,280
Speaker 3: was going to happen. And then it's like the podcast

677
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:18,240
Speaker 3: Cruise in Town. We still got this going on. It's

678
00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:19,400
Speaker 3: like making sure my mom is.

679
00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:22,080
Speaker 2: Okay, get busy, the boys are okay, so we just

680
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,720
Speaker 2: I just kept it pushing. It was busy. Our room

681
00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:25,520
Speaker 2: needed to be clean.

682
00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:30,040
Speaker 3: We unpacked from like a couple of suitcases a lot and.

683
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:30,680
Speaker 2: He was like, oh, you can clean up.

684
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:33,680
Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, I just got to keeping busy

685
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:38,320
Speaker 3: because yeah, that's that's actually one of the stages of

686
00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:41,240
Speaker 3: grief that we can actually kind of go through it.

687
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:44,000
Speaker 3: For those who feel like grief is just one dimensional

688
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:48,080
Speaker 3: or like you know, there's a certain timeframe to get

689
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:49,840
Speaker 3: through it, or do you feel like everyone deals with

690
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:53,040
Speaker 3: it the same way. I didn't really look at the

691
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,400
Speaker 3: stages of grief until my uncle passed unexpectedly in October

692
00:32:56,720 --> 00:32:58,800
Speaker 3: and then I have lost like my grandfather on my

693
00:32:58,800 --> 00:32:59,320
Speaker 3: mom's side.

694
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,360
Speaker 2: I watched younger.

695
00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:03,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, it was just uncle.

696
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,040
Speaker 1: Uncle Paul was way different because it was like shock,

697
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:09,880
Speaker 1: but definitely with Uncle Paul. I watched you go through

698
00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:12,920
Speaker 1: like oh my guy. Then it was almost like denial.

699
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:15,800
Speaker 1: I remember Sakari called that morning and you were like,

700
00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:18,680
Speaker 1: Uncle Paul's not responsive, and I remember, like, I'm not

701
00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:21,160
Speaker 1: responsive and you was. At first you had you would

702
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,040
Speaker 1: vocalize this. You said, oh, you know, he's in the

703
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 1: hospital of the ambulance. They'll probably get him going. You know,

704
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:29,720
Speaker 1: you know Paulie, remember because you know PAULI, PAULI will

705
00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,800
Speaker 1: be fine. And and then when she called back and

706
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:35,760
Speaker 1: she was like, hey, Uncle Paul is gone. I watched

707
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:40,120
Speaker 1: you go from like shock then to denial like oh

708
00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 1: it's not he'll be fine, then to it's settling in,

709
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:43,760
Speaker 1: and then it was immediate.

710
00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:47,920
Speaker 4: He was like anger and guilt. It was guilt and agga.

711
00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:49,280
Speaker 1: And the first thing you said to me was that

712
00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:51,480
Speaker 1: he wanted to come down here to see me, and

713
00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:53,680
Speaker 1: he wouldn't come down here to see me for the reasons,

714
00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:55,240
Speaker 1: you know, and.

715
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:57,720
Speaker 4: You were mad like you were mad, like I.

716
00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:01,280
Speaker 3: Was rough one for me when I think about it,

717
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:02,760
Speaker 3: You're right, You're definitely right.

718
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, there were so.

719
00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:06,800
Speaker 4: Many layers to that it was.

720
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:08,400
Speaker 3: And there was just like other family issues and tension

721
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:12,640
Speaker 3: that like, at that point made me angry. I felt

722
00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:15,239
Speaker 3: like it was something that was like that was avoidable

723
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:20,040
Speaker 3: or correctable rather before his death, and then it actually

724
00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 3: kind of forced me and pushed me to then be

725
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:26,440
Speaker 3: very transparent with people I needed to be transparent. I

726
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:28,920
Speaker 3: think his death was like the catalyst for me saying

727
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:32,560
Speaker 3: like no more, Like I'm not doing this anymore with y'all.

728
00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:36,759
Speaker 3: So here's how I feel, and at least there's no discrepancy,

729
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:40,200
Speaker 3: there's no wondering. Spoke to who I had to speak to,

730
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:42,520
Speaker 3: and I said my piece and I moved on. And

731
00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:45,600
Speaker 3: that was also great for me, like moving into forties,

732
00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:47,560
Speaker 3: you know, being able to release a lot of things.

733
00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:51,760
Speaker 3: So it's funny how death can also evoke that desire

734
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:53,080
Speaker 3: to change, you know.

735
00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:56,360
Speaker 1: But also I'm glad you brought that up too, because

736
00:34:56,560 --> 00:35:00,000
Speaker 1: when we talk about the different types of grief, right,

737
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,160
Speaker 1: it says here grief can be caused by the passing

738
00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:04,319
Speaker 1: of human life. We all know that, but death of

739
00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:08,160
Speaker 1: a relationship. The reason why I bring up the death

740
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,040
Speaker 1: of a relationship is because I know the relationships that

741
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:14,520
Speaker 1: were strained in your family. I watched how you even

742
00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:17,920
Speaker 1: grieve through that process, the relationships and your family that

743
00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:22,600
Speaker 1: were not the same because of certain things. I've watched

744
00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:26,200
Speaker 1: that with my family, you know, because certain relationships never

745
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:29,040
Speaker 1: come back. And when you grow up looking at everybody

746
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:31,200
Speaker 1: a certain way. And I say this as an adult now,

747
00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:33,360
Speaker 1: as a child, you look at those people and you

748
00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:36,120
Speaker 1: think they're all superheroes because they're just adults. And you

749
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:38,399
Speaker 1: become an adult and you realize that and I'm gonna

750
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:42,320
Speaker 1: take a quote from my wife, adults are just babies

751
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:46,200
Speaker 1: who got older. Like they're no different than who you

752
00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:48,319
Speaker 1: are as a child. Like if they don't deal with

753
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:50,279
Speaker 1: their trauma, they don't deal with their past issues, they're

754
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:53,040
Speaker 1: the same person. They're just older babies. And when we

755
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:56,440
Speaker 1: watched a lot of those relationships never come back. I

756
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:59,319
Speaker 1: watched you grieve that. You know, like I watched you

757
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:01,279
Speaker 1: griev then watch should be a little bit sad because

758
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:04,040
Speaker 1: you're like, this is not what I thought or how

759
00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:06,000
Speaker 1: I thought adults were going to behave and I watched

760
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,759
Speaker 1: you grieve that for months. Yeah, And I think that's

761
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:13,480
Speaker 1: important because as your spouse, we're talking about grief, but

762
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:14,799
Speaker 1: we also have to talk about how.

763
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:16,320
Speaker 4: You deal with someone who's grieving.

764
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:21,240
Speaker 1: You know, like you say it all the time, like, Babe,

765
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:23,719
Speaker 1: I don't know how you You know, you're delta, And

766
00:36:23,719 --> 00:36:25,439
Speaker 1: every time I got to run to Florida or something,

767
00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:28,600
Speaker 1: you just say, Okay. It's because I understand that grieving

768
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:32,200
Speaker 1: is a process, not a period of time. I'm not

769
00:36:32,239 --> 00:36:34,399
Speaker 1: going to tell you, well, Grandma died two months ago,

770
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:35,680
Speaker 1: so it's time to move on.

771
00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:37,319
Speaker 4: Oh, uncle Paul died.

772
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:37,600
Speaker 3: No.

773
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:41,680
Speaker 1: Grieving is understanding that that person is going through a

774
00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:45,920
Speaker 1: process of healing, and that process of healing has no timeline.

775
00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:48,880
Speaker 1: And if you love someone, you allow them to grieve

776
00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:51,080
Speaker 1: on their own terms and you be as supportive as

777
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:53,279
Speaker 1: you can. The last thing you can do with someone

778
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:55,680
Speaker 1: who's grieving is trying to push them out of grieving

779
00:36:55,719 --> 00:36:58,600
Speaker 1: because you think it'll help them feel better, you know, like,

780
00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:01,400
Speaker 1: and sometimes you do that now, trying to be malicious,

781
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:03,560
Speaker 1: but you're like, I got to help get get out

782
00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:03,719
Speaker 1: of this.

783
00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:04,239
Speaker 4: Ye.

784
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:06,319
Speaker 3: You know, they'll pull them out of bed and yeah,

785
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:08,160
Speaker 3: maybe you just need to go aside for a bid,

786
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:10,080
Speaker 3: take a shower, you know, and.

787
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:12,800
Speaker 1: Sometimes it sometimes it helped, but but you got to

788
00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:15,439
Speaker 1: understand and know that person like that may not be

789
00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:18,640
Speaker 1: Let me just jump in his bed with them this time, right,

790
00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:20,279
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Let me jump into bed,

791
00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:21,920
Speaker 1: let me let me cuddle them a little bit, and

792
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:23,239
Speaker 1: you all right, you want to.

793
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:25,560
Speaker 4: Sit here quiet? Yeah, it's okay too to say you

794
00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:26,040
Speaker 4: want to cry.

795
00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:29,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're good for that. Like you want to cry,

796
00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:31,279
Speaker 2: I'm like, actually was okay.

797
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:32,960
Speaker 3: Until you asked if I wanted to cry, and now

798
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:34,200
Speaker 3: I want to cry.

799
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:37,560
Speaker 1: But to be honest, that crying helps, like that release

800
00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:39,720
Speaker 1: of emotion and that release of energy.

801
00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:43,719
Speaker 3: It does lots sadness, it's anger, it's it's so many

802
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:45,680
Speaker 3: things that once that that gets released, I know it

803
00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:48,520
Speaker 3: definitely helps me. But even looking at some of the

804
00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:50,279
Speaker 3: facts and stats that Triple pulled up, I didn't even

805
00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:52,719
Speaker 3: think about grief, not other than human life, Like you said,

806
00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:54,960
Speaker 3: death of a relationship, the loss of health or function,

807
00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:57,960
Speaker 3: loss of independence, loss of a pet, those are all

808
00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:00,879
Speaker 3: things that will force people into the grief, and lots

809
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:05,280
Speaker 3: of people trying to intellectualize grief reference the five stages

810
00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:05,800
Speaker 3: of grief.

811
00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 2: That suggests a consecutive in a finite process.

812
00:38:10,719 --> 00:38:13,680
Speaker 3: But when you ask people who are actually experiencing grief,

813
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,200
Speaker 3: most of them will say that grief comes in waves,

814
00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:18,279
Speaker 3: so it's not linear, it doesn't always end.

815
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:22,040
Speaker 2: Sometimes it's just it's easier to live with.

816
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:24,719
Speaker 4: I just thought of something, what's that? Just why you

817
00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:25,080
Speaker 4: said that?

818
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:28,280
Speaker 1: And looking at this right, loss of independence, right, loss

819
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:32,000
Speaker 1: of health and function. One of my biggest moments was

820
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:37,279
Speaker 1: grieving when I transitioned from football to being independent of

821
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 1: being an athlete and realizing that I was no longer

822
00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:43,480
Speaker 1: going to be a professional athlete. I was grieving going

823
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:45,800
Speaker 1: through that process, not realizing it, but thinking about this

824
00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:52,200
Speaker 1: mother's grief, loss of independence, change of function of the body.

825
00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:55,960
Speaker 1: We always talk about postpartum depression as if it's just.

826
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:56,839
Speaker 4: A hormonal thing.

827
00:38:56,880 --> 00:38:58,959
Speaker 1: But now that I think about it, I could see

828
00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:02,160
Speaker 1: how women grieve the fact that I used to be

829
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:05,400
Speaker 1: this person, right, but now I had to grow a

830
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:06,040
Speaker 1: whole person.

831
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:08,400
Speaker 4: A person came out of me. My body has changed,

832
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:10,560
Speaker 4: My independence is no longer here.

833
00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:12,600
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, your brain is like, now you know what

834
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,960
Speaker 3: I'm saying. Your heart is not like this human is

835
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:16,400
Speaker 3: not walking outside of my body.

836
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:16,920
Speaker 2: Yeah.

837
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:18,440
Speaker 4: When I think about it like that.

838
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:20,440
Speaker 1: After reading that, it made me realize, like, dang, if

839
00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:25,520
Speaker 1: I would have approached postpartum as a grieving period as

840
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:27,960
Speaker 1: I could have been a lot more effective rather than

841
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:29,560
Speaker 1: doing the opposite and say you'll get over it, let's

842
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:31,240
Speaker 1: move on, let's you know what I'm saying.

843
00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:32,799
Speaker 4: Like, when you just said it, I was like, God,

844
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:33,799
Speaker 4: I didn't even think about that.

845
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:34,800
Speaker 2: That is a really good correlation.

846
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:38,840
Speaker 3: You know. I've heard women say in other mom forums,

847
00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:40,800
Speaker 3: where you know, there's a safe space for us to speak.

848
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:43,640
Speaker 3: I've heard mom say I grieve the old life that

849
00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:46,920
Speaker 3: was single, like that didn't have you know, the responsibility

850
00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:49,760
Speaker 3: of having to keep a human alive. Or I'm grieving

851
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,120
Speaker 3: you know what my body used to look like. Or

852
00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:55,640
Speaker 3: I'm grieving the relationship I had with my partner because

853
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:56,480
Speaker 3: now I'm just this.

854
00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:57,799
Speaker 4: Never thought about that.

855
00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:00,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's never though.

856
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:01,279
Speaker 4: That's to be honest.

857
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:04,960
Speaker 1: That's why I enjoy doing dead ass podcast with you,

858
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:09,560
Speaker 1: because it's almost like I get revelations while we're in sessions,

859
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:13,000
Speaker 1: while we're potting. It's like boom, you know what I'm

860
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:15,680
Speaker 1: saying like, oh, shoot, you know what I'm saying, like, dang,

861
00:40:15,719 --> 00:40:16,880
Speaker 1: it really dang.

862
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:19,040
Speaker 4: But now that gave me a lot of clarity.

863
00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:21,000
Speaker 1: Hopefully I can use that to help some other people

864
00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:22,560
Speaker 1: who you know, some of my friends who are also

865
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,000
Speaker 1: having children now, because we pass that point in our life.

866
00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:27,680
Speaker 1: But it's also preparing me for the next part, like

867
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:32,240
Speaker 1: when something changes, for example, Jackson going to college, there's

868
00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:34,520
Speaker 1: going to be a grieving period for both of us

869
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:35,480
Speaker 1: because he's no.

870
00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:37,880
Speaker 4: Longer living here and I already know.

871
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:42,919
Speaker 1: Coincidentally, guys, Kay and I went to go look at

872
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:47,160
Speaker 1: an independent school for Cairo and Kaz because Jackson just

873
00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:49,000
Speaker 1: got into an independent school, as y'all saw a couple

874
00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:50,920
Speaker 1: of weeks ago. We're proud of them. So now we're

875
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:55,000
Speaker 1: sending all four boys to an independent school. And I

876
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:58,799
Speaker 1: watched as she, like all of the different educators were

877
00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:01,960
Speaker 1: telling the transition from going to elementary school to.

878
00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:03,640
Speaker 4: Junior high school and high school.

879
00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:05,719
Speaker 1: I watched out all of their eyes, was like, yeah,

880
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:07,879
Speaker 1: and to change and it's like.

881
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:11,719
Speaker 4: They're going across the street, what is the change? But

882
00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:12,879
Speaker 4: now did I see you are.

883
00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:15,799
Speaker 2: A different building. It's like, no, that's significant. It is

884
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:17,480
Speaker 2: significant and their girls and.

885
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:20,040
Speaker 3: Are significant in the timeline that you have with them,

886
00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:22,520
Speaker 3: right much like when you grieve the timeline that you've

887
00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:24,759
Speaker 3: had with somebody, like I think of forty years with

888
00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:25,280
Speaker 3: my grandmother.

889
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:29,000
Speaker 2: That's my entire life. Like, yeah, we go way way back.

890
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:32,120
Speaker 3: You know, topics like death and lass are just hard

891
00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:34,799
Speaker 3: to talk about. So when you're experiencing grief, people may

892
00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:37,759
Speaker 3: get kind of awkward and uncomfortable around you, and it's

893
00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:39,520
Speaker 3: okay to ask for what you need or just seek

894
00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:42,240
Speaker 3: support from someone who can relate to what you're going through.

895
00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:45,360
Speaker 3: And thank God for our village of people and friends,

896
00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:49,400
Speaker 3: family who are just constantly checking in asking what they

897
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:51,719
Speaker 3: can do to help. And really, I think genuinely in

898
00:41:51,719 --> 00:41:55,000
Speaker 3: those moments, if you do need help, you know, get

899
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:57,200
Speaker 3: the help that you need. Because I even thought to myself,

900
00:41:57,239 --> 00:41:59,759
Speaker 3: I'm like, shoot, once this happened, like I didn't know

901
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:01,440
Speaker 3: how I was going to react, to how I would function,

902
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:03,880
Speaker 3: And I had someone offer one of my friends offers

903
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:05,680
Speaker 3: to come down here and just stay for like two

904
00:42:05,719 --> 00:42:07,880
Speaker 3: or three days if they needed help, and I was

905
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:08,439
Speaker 3: just like damn.

906
00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:10,879
Speaker 2: I didn't even think about that, but the offer alone was.

907
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:12,760
Speaker 3: Just enough to be like damn, thank you for thinking

908
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:14,719
Speaker 3: of how you can show up for me in this space.

909
00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:17,520
Speaker 3: Absolute because a lot of times when people have, you know,

910
00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:19,680
Speaker 3: lose a family member or loved one, a pet, like

911
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:22,000
Speaker 3: you don't know how to say anything, Like you can't

912
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:24,560
Speaker 3: say anything right right, there's no nothing you can stay

913
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:26,840
Speaker 3: to make them feel better in that moment. But I

914
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:32,440
Speaker 3: think anticipating needs in those moments are definitely helpful ways

915
00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:33,480
Speaker 3: to show that you care.

916
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:35,200
Speaker 2: You know, that's a.

917
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:37,160
Speaker 1: Question which one of your friends asked if they wanted

918
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:40,439
Speaker 1: you to come Christina. Of course I knew it was Christina. Yeah,

919
00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:43,080
Speaker 1: I knew it was Christina. Christina is like her heart

920
00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:46,040
Speaker 1: so big and she's she's dope. It's funny because a

921
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:47,680
Speaker 1: man would never ask another man you want me to

922
00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:49,240
Speaker 1: come to your house and stay with your families.

923
00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:52,480
Speaker 4: Man, we ain't gonna grieve like that. We're going to

924
00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:56,560
Speaker 4: hit you with a quick text like ye yeah, yeah,

925
00:42:56,680 --> 00:42:57,080
Speaker 4: yeah yeah.

926
00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:58,360
Speaker 1: If you need something, you know, we can go to

927
00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:01,560
Speaker 1: the strip club, get you a body that grieving you

928
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:01,759
Speaker 1: know what.

929
00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:04,799
Speaker 3: Yeah, Christina and even Tiffany was just like times like this,

930
00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:06,279
Speaker 3: I wish I could jump in the car like you know,

931
00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:07,640
Speaker 3: I'll be on the next flight if you need me,

932
00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:09,279
Speaker 3: I'm like, girl, you have a whole family with four

933
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:11,120
Speaker 3: kids and a husband. Like, I don't expect you to

934
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,440
Speaker 3: leave your house to come down here to help me,

935
00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:15,200
Speaker 3: you know, or just to be with me.

936
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:16,640
Speaker 2: But these are friends.

937
00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:18,319
Speaker 3: Who I have that will, literally, like you said, show

938
00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:20,480
Speaker 3: up how I need. Sometimes I just want you to

939
00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:22,720
Speaker 3: come into bed with me and we just lay down together,

940
00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:23,200
Speaker 3: I know what.

941
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:25,719
Speaker 2: Or sometimes I will cry, or sometimes I want to go.

942
00:43:25,719 --> 00:43:27,520
Speaker 3: Out to eat, Like it just depends on I know

943
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:29,239
Speaker 3: what you need time and I love that people can

944
00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:32,560
Speaker 3: offer that support as needed. And then crying is coping

945
00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:35,240
Speaker 3: lost heartbreak on wanted change his heart and it's okay

946
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:36,320
Speaker 3: to cry because.

947
00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:37,680
Speaker 1: I will at the trap of time. That's why I

948
00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:39,759
Speaker 1: had to talk about that with Jackson. And we we

949
00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:44,320
Speaker 1: at the gym yesterday. We just got finished during the podcast.

950
00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:46,839
Speaker 1: We go to the gym, be working through it. Kay

951
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:52,000
Speaker 1: calls me Grandma's gone. My first response, not realizing he's

952
00:43:52,040 --> 00:43:55,600
Speaker 1: paying attention, is like, well you serious, and she's like yeah,

953
00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:57,880
Speaker 1: I'm like sorry to hear that, babe, You me and

954
00:43:57,920 --> 00:43:58,640
Speaker 1: me want to go down.

955
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,400
Speaker 4: I'm not thinking he's paying attention.

956
00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:03,920
Speaker 1: He's putting shots up and then he comes over to me,

957
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:05,600
Speaker 1: He's just like Grandma's gone. I was like, yeah, it

958
00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:09,480
Speaker 1: broke down crying and said, yo, yo, let it out.

959
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,000
Speaker 1: You want to leave, you want to go home. He's like, no,

960
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:13,120
Speaker 1: I want to finish. I want to finish. So he

961
00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:16,399
Speaker 1: like held it, finished his session twenty minutes. Soon as

962
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:18,200
Speaker 1: he got done, like as soon as it was over,

963
00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:22,040
Speaker 1: broke down right there in the gym, taking his sneakers off,

964
00:44:22,080 --> 00:44:23,759
Speaker 1: you know his boys. I was there was just like, yo,

965
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,319
Speaker 1: Jackson's all right his basketball coach, are you working them

966
00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:26,800
Speaker 1: that hard that?

967
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:28,439
Speaker 4: I'm like, nah, we found out we had to lost

968
00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:28,920
Speaker 4: in the family.

969
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:33,239
Speaker 1: He's like, oh, man, like sorry, but watching Jackson try

970
00:44:33,280 --> 00:44:35,640
Speaker 1: to hold it in, and then he was like he

971
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:36,799
Speaker 1: had something to distract him.

972
00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:37,600
Speaker 4: It was basketball.

973
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:39,719
Speaker 1: But the minute there was no more, I got this

974
00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:41,480
Speaker 1: drill and he had to sit down and take them

975
00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:42,360
Speaker 1: shoes off.

976
00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:44,520
Speaker 4: And I had to explain to him. I said, yo,

977
00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:46,600
Speaker 4: cry cry And.

978
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:47,880
Speaker 3: He came home and he cried, and I was like,

979
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:49,799
Speaker 3: all right, Budy else. I didn't know that he found

980
00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:51,680
Speaker 3: out at the time. Yeah, when you did it, I

981
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:54,040
Speaker 3: thought you told him in the car. So I said

982
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:56,080
Speaker 3: to him when we were talking about practice. After that,

983
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:57,920
Speaker 3: I'm just like, so, how did you get through practice? Bro?

984
00:44:57,960 --> 00:44:59,480
Speaker 2: Like you found out the news about Grandma.

985
00:44:59,560 --> 00:45:01,160
Speaker 3: And at this point he had just asked me to

986
00:45:01,200 --> 00:45:03,040
Speaker 3: send him any pictures I have of him and Grandma,

987
00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:05,560
Speaker 3: so he had changed the screen savers him and her,

988
00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:08,360
Speaker 3: and he was just like, I really think Grandma would.

989
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:11,680
Speaker 2: Have wanted me to finish. And I was like, that's

990
00:45:11,719 --> 00:45:12,439
Speaker 2: exactly it.

991
00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:16,400
Speaker 1: You you legit said the same thing though, because my

992
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:19,520
Speaker 1: birthday is soon, and I was just like, hey, you know,

993
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:23,400
Speaker 1: if Grandma passes around my birthday, you know we can cancel.

994
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:25,839
Speaker 4: And you was just like, absolutely not. Grandma would not

995
00:45:25,880 --> 00:45:28,040
Speaker 4: have wanted me to cancel anything, absolutely not.

996
00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:29,600
Speaker 1: And I was like, I'm not gonna be selfish to

997
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:31,239
Speaker 1: ask you the plan of it, and you was just like, no,

998
00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:33,200
Speaker 1: I've already spoke to my family about it.

999
00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:35,719
Speaker 4: And they all agreed to because that's how Grandma was though.

1000
00:45:38,239 --> 00:45:42,359
Speaker 1: As Paul, so, yeah, you also said to something last time.

1001
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,200
Speaker 4: That was cool. He was like, you know, you wish

1002
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:46,319
Speaker 4: you could be there for the meet up.

1003
00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:50,040
Speaker 1: Paul's in heaven and he's stilling there and then you know,

1004
00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:53,880
Speaker 1: you see somebody from the distance and it's like, mommy, yeah,

1005
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:55,439
Speaker 1: she's like.

1006
00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:59,840
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying, imagine that so happy and

1007
00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:04,200
Speaker 3: Grandpa And I know Grandpa's there too, could you imagine that?

1008
00:46:04,200 --> 00:46:05,759
Speaker 1: That, to be honest, is probably like the big they

1009
00:46:05,840 --> 00:46:07,600
Speaker 1: having a great reunion up there.

1010
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:09,080
Speaker 4: They're watching the family.

1011
00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:11,440
Speaker 1: And that's why people say it's good to celebrate when

1012
00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:15,359
Speaker 1: someone leaves us, because they're up there celebrating us too.

1013
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:17,839
Speaker 1: They celebrating the fact that they've reached where they want

1014
00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:20,279
Speaker 1: to go, and you know, you get eternity and you

1015
00:46:20,320 --> 00:46:22,200
Speaker 1: get peace, and you get to see people you haven't

1016
00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:24,680
Speaker 1: seen in a minute. So I think it is important

1017
00:46:24,719 --> 00:46:26,440
Speaker 1: to know that there is a celebration.

1018
00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:27,200
Speaker 2: You know, absolutely.

1019
00:46:27,719 --> 00:46:30,360
Speaker 3: All Right, y'all, let's touch base really quick on the

1020
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:34,040
Speaker 3: stages of grief, just familiar with it. We have eight stages,

1021
00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:37,040
Speaker 3: so previously they thought it was five, but it looks

1022
00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:39,320
Speaker 3: like there's eight. So then there's shock, of course, the

1023
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:42,759
Speaker 3: immediately following the death of a loved one. It's the

1024
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:45,640
Speaker 3: the process of really being difficult to accept the loss, right,

1025
00:46:45,760 --> 00:46:47,960
Speaker 3: so you're feeling like this is not reality. Out of

1026
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:50,200
Speaker 3: touch went through that, yeah, and I I feel like

1027
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:52,080
Speaker 3: I'm still kind of floating around there. I think it

1028
00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:54,040
Speaker 3: becomes more real when you actually get to like a funeral,

1029
00:46:54,280 --> 00:46:55,879
Speaker 3: a person in the casket, like, that's when it.

1030
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:56,480
Speaker 2: Really sets in.

1031
00:46:57,160 --> 00:46:59,360
Speaker 3: Then there's the emotional release, so the awareness of the

1032
00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:03,800
Speaker 3: enormity of the loss is is realized at this point,

1033
00:47:03,840 --> 00:47:08,400
Speaker 3: accompanied by intense gangs of grief. And this is a

1034
00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:13,760
Speaker 3: stage of grieving that an individual sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably.

1035
00:47:13,800 --> 00:47:15,839
Speaker 3: So I didn't sleep well last night. That's probably why

1036
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:18,239
Speaker 3: I'm so tired. Now you're a busy morning. But yeah,

1037
00:47:18,280 --> 00:47:20,800
Speaker 3: it's like a restlessness that I feel, so I'm probably

1038
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:24,560
Speaker 3: kind of in between one two. Then there's panic, feelings

1039
00:47:24,600 --> 00:47:31,160
Speaker 3: of mental instability, wandering around aimlessly forgetting things, physical symptoms grief.

1040
00:47:31,719 --> 00:47:31,959
Speaker 2: Sorry.

1041
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:34,359
Speaker 3: Guilt is the fourth, and the feelings of guilt about

1042
00:47:34,360 --> 00:47:38,720
Speaker 3: failures and relationships, ability to change situations to save the decease.

1043
00:47:39,040 --> 00:47:40,920
Speaker 1: I want to say this before we continue, because we're

1044
00:47:40,920 --> 00:47:45,319
Speaker 1: halfway through. If you're listening, ask yourself, are you experiencing

1045
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:48,040
Speaker 1: any of these things? Because if you are, it's easy

1046
00:47:48,040 --> 00:47:50,440
Speaker 1: to identify once you've heard it and say, wow, that

1047
00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:53,239
Speaker 1: must be what I'm feeling. You know what I'm saying,

1048
00:47:53,960 --> 00:47:56,480
Speaker 1: And that's why therapy sometimes is important. Or even if

1049
00:47:56,480 --> 00:47:58,560
Speaker 1: you don't go to therapy, if you have a partner

1050
00:47:58,560 --> 00:47:59,880
Speaker 1: that you like discussing things with.

1051
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:03,880
Speaker 4: When you say things out loud, sometimes words have power.

1052
00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:06,880
Speaker 1: You may not even be able to realize what's going on,

1053
00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:09,040
Speaker 1: but you say it out loud or you hear someone

1054
00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:12,120
Speaker 1: say it and it's like aha. So if you're experiencing

1055
00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:14,520
Speaker 1: any of these feelings right now, just think about something

1056
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:15,880
Speaker 1: that may have happened to you. It may not have

1057
00:48:15,920 --> 00:48:17,520
Speaker 1: been a death, it may have been a change in

1058
00:48:17,520 --> 00:48:20,720
Speaker 1: a relationship, changing your job, you know, changing your physical

1059
00:48:20,719 --> 00:48:23,400
Speaker 1: appearance or your ability that you may be grieving. So

1060
00:48:23,440 --> 00:48:25,719
Speaker 1: while you're listening to these things, think about what you

1061
00:48:25,800 --> 00:48:27,320
Speaker 1: may be going through if you feel like you're a

1062
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:29,160
Speaker 1: little off, and see if you're grieving.

1063
00:48:29,239 --> 00:48:30,440
Speaker 2: That's a good tip for sure.

1064
00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:32,880
Speaker 3: So sometimes I can't articulate how I feel, but then

1065
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:37,759
Speaker 3: I'm looking at it and I'm like, oh, I'm number three, here's.

1066
00:48:37,520 --> 00:48:38,160
Speaker 2: Where I am.

1067
00:48:38,719 --> 00:48:40,719
Speaker 3: It makes it that much easier to express how you feel,

1068
00:48:40,760 --> 00:48:43,319
Speaker 3: so others can help you. One thing I will say

1069
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:45,520
Speaker 3: about number four guilt. I don't have any of that

1070
00:48:45,560 --> 00:48:48,040
Speaker 3: with my grandmother. I feel like we live life to

1071
00:48:48,080 --> 00:48:50,680
Speaker 3: the fullest. I did everything with her that I wanted

1072
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:52,839
Speaker 3: to do. I could have spent every single day with

1073
00:48:52,840 --> 00:48:55,319
Speaker 3: my grandmother and still been just as devastated. Now, Yeah,

1074
00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:57,399
Speaker 3: like there was nothing more that I feel like, Damn,

1075
00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:58,520
Speaker 3: I didn't do this with her.

1076
00:48:58,680 --> 00:48:59,239
Speaker 2: That with her.

1077
00:48:59,400 --> 00:49:01,840
Speaker 3: She came to see our house. She gets to, you know,

1078
00:49:01,880 --> 00:49:04,040
Speaker 3: stay with us for a couple of weeks. She got

1079
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,680
Speaker 3: to see all four of my boys. Like, I'm feeling

1080
00:49:06,680 --> 00:49:10,440
Speaker 3: good about that. Number five hostility and anger, feelings of

1081
00:49:10,480 --> 00:49:14,359
Speaker 3: anger over the situation, cause of death, and sometimes even

1082
00:49:14,440 --> 00:49:18,480
Speaker 3: at the decease. Six is the inability to get back

1083
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:23,600
Speaker 3: to normal, Difficulty in regaining normality of daily life, difficulty

1084
00:49:23,640 --> 00:49:26,560
Speaker 3: and concentrating on just day to day activities, and the

1085
00:49:26,719 --> 00:49:33,080
Speaker 3: grieving person's entire being emotional, physical, and spiritual is focused

1086
00:49:33,120 --> 00:49:35,759
Speaker 3: on the loss that just occurred. So really hard to

1087
00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:40,000
Speaker 3: get back into a routine of things. Number seven acceptance

1088
00:49:40,040 --> 00:49:43,960
Speaker 3: of loss. Life balance slowly returns. There are no set

1089
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:46,760
Speaker 3: time frames for healing, but each individual is different.

1090
00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:50,720
Speaker 1: Remember that, So don't shame yourself or feel bad. People

1091
00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:55,080
Speaker 1: around you have moved on and you haven't. Don't ask yourself, Yeah,

1092
00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:57,680
Speaker 1: what's wrong with me? And like my wife said, right here,

1093
00:49:57,880 --> 00:50:00,520
Speaker 1: don't shame others. If you moved on, don't look back

1094
00:50:00,560 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 1: and be like, yo, you ain't get over this yet.

1095
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:04,720
Speaker 4: That's unfair. That's unfair.

1096
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:08,800
Speaker 3: And number eight, hope the pains of grief are still present,

1097
00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:11,480
Speaker 3: but the griefing person is able to find hope for

1098
00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:14,239
Speaker 3: the future. The individual is able to move forward in

1099
00:50:14,320 --> 00:50:16,799
Speaker 3: life with good feelings, knowing that we'll always they will

1100
00:50:16,800 --> 00:50:21,200
Speaker 3: always remember and have memories of that loved one. Yeah,

1101
00:50:22,480 --> 00:50:25,520
Speaker 3: oh man, I hope this was helpful to anyone you

1102
00:50:25,560 --> 00:50:28,120
Speaker 3: know who's dealing with grief, who has dealt with it,

1103
00:50:28,239 --> 00:50:31,440
Speaker 3: who's still dealing with it. I've heard, and I think

1104
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:34,520
Speaker 3: the biggest takeaway here is that it's not linear, it's

1105
00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:37,560
Speaker 3: you know, comes in waves waves. I think acknowledging how

1106
00:50:37,560 --> 00:50:39,439
Speaker 3: you feel in those moments and being able to find

1107
00:50:39,480 --> 00:50:44,480
Speaker 3: safe spaces to express it definitely helps with the process.

1108
00:50:44,160 --> 00:50:46,920
Speaker 4: And finding support. Like you you should not.

1109
00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:51,640
Speaker 1: I wouldn't advise anyone try to deal with grief alone alone. Yeah,

1110
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:55,560
Speaker 1: you know, grief is already daunting itself as it is,

1111
00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:58,520
Speaker 1: but trying to do that alone or in solitude is

1112
00:50:58,600 --> 00:51:01,600
Speaker 1: just I would I would advise anyone to seek help

1113
00:51:01,680 --> 00:51:05,440
Speaker 1: us if it's professional, a friend, other family, members.

1114
00:51:05,920 --> 00:51:06,920
Speaker 4: But don't do that alone.

1115
00:51:07,160 --> 00:51:09,840
Speaker 3: Don't do it alone, y'all, and shout out to my grandmother,

1116
00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:16,200
Speaker 3: Thelma Cherita Brian, one of the best to ever do it,

1117
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:20,000
Speaker 3: my angel now along with my grandpa and yeah, my

1118
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:24,280
Speaker 3: Grandma Joseph. And something HiT's different about losing the final grandparent,

1119
00:51:24,360 --> 00:51:27,600
Speaker 3: like she was my last living grandparent. But I'm so

1120
00:51:27,600 --> 00:51:30,520
Speaker 3: thankful for the times, and for the wisdom and for

1121
00:51:30,719 --> 00:51:33,880
Speaker 3: the for everything that they've poured into me. I'm definitely

1122
00:51:34,160 --> 00:51:38,799
Speaker 3: the woman I am today largely in part to my grandparents.

1123
00:51:40,239 --> 00:51:42,239
Speaker 2: All Right, y'all, thank y'all for listening and helping me

1124
00:51:42,320 --> 00:51:43,040
Speaker 2: through this as well.

1125
00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:45,440
Speaker 3: Thank you for all of the love, the support, the prayers,

1126
00:51:45,520 --> 00:51:49,080
Speaker 3: the d ms, the messages. You know, I see everything,

1127
00:51:49,280 --> 00:51:51,440
Speaker 3: and I am thankful, thankful.

1128
00:51:52,200 --> 00:51:53,520
Speaker 2: All right, let's take a quick break.

1129
00:51:53,680 --> 00:51:56,360
Speaker 3: We gather ourselves and we will move into listening letters

1130
00:51:56,400 --> 00:51:57,760
Speaker 3: after we pay some bills.

1131
00:51:58,040 --> 00:51:58,960
Speaker 2: Stick around, y'all.

1132
00:52:09,400 --> 00:52:10,640
Speaker 4: All right, guys, we're back.

1133
00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:14,479
Speaker 2: All right, listen a time. Let me go first, sure,

1134
00:52:14,520 --> 00:52:15,120
Speaker 2: go for a baby.

1135
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:16,759
Speaker 4: Let's get money, all right, all right?

1136
00:52:16,760 --> 00:52:19,920
Speaker 1: Hey, de Valen kadeen Wusu. I'm thirty years I'm a

1137
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:21,440
Speaker 1: thirty year old woman from Canada.

1138
00:52:21,600 --> 00:52:24,600
Speaker 4: I like Canada. We just came back from Toronto to

1139
00:52:25,840 --> 00:52:26,360
Speaker 4: year before that.

1140
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:29,200
Speaker 1: Yes, I've been following you guys on Instagram since the

1141
00:52:29,239 --> 00:52:31,640
Speaker 1: beginning and love to have witness to your growth.

1142
00:52:31,680 --> 00:52:33,440
Speaker 4: Thank you so much. I just turned thirty. I am

1143
00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:34,680
Speaker 4: single and have no kids.

1144
00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:37,360
Speaker 1: I traveled a lot in my twenties, visited ten countries

1145
00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:39,759
Speaker 1: in county, also lived abroad for a year, and plan

1146
00:52:39,880 --> 00:52:42,080
Speaker 1: to leave my hometown for good. I don't want to

1147
00:52:42,120 --> 00:52:44,800
Speaker 1: only focus on finding love and marriage, but I always want.

1148
00:52:44,600 --> 00:52:45,360
Speaker 4: To start a family.

1149
00:52:46,040 --> 00:52:48,759
Speaker 1: Every conversation with people now is about my singleness, the

1150
00:52:48,760 --> 00:52:51,360
Speaker 1: fact that I work too much, travel too much, should

1151
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:53,440
Speaker 1: be stable, that I will never find a man if

1152
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:56,279
Speaker 1: I move to Asia again, et cetera, et cetera. I

1153
00:52:56,320 --> 00:52:58,080
Speaker 1: am the only one of my family and friend groups

1154
00:52:58,120 --> 00:53:00,680
Speaker 1: that has had such an experience as abroad, and I

1155
00:53:00,680 --> 00:53:02,960
Speaker 1: feel like a black sheep in my hometown with the

1156
00:53:03,000 --> 00:53:07,680
Speaker 1: constant criticism and solicited unsolicited advice. Also, my parents are

1157
00:53:07,680 --> 00:53:10,840
Speaker 1: not the most supportive because they are waiting on their grandkids.

1158
00:53:11,160 --> 00:53:12,600
Speaker 4: What advice would.

1159
00:53:12,320 --> 00:53:15,560
Speaker 1: You give a newly thirty year old black woman, career driven,

1160
00:53:15,640 --> 00:53:19,000
Speaker 1: successful in her field language teacher? As I'm entering this

1161
00:53:19,080 --> 00:53:22,160
Speaker 1: new era of my life still single? Where should I focus?

1162
00:53:22,680 --> 00:53:25,040
Speaker 1: How can I turn off the outside constant noise about

1163
00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:28,239
Speaker 1: the choices I need to make for myself? Also, what

1164
00:53:28,360 --> 00:53:30,680
Speaker 1: should I look for in a partner if I ever

1165
00:53:30,800 --> 00:53:35,880
Speaker 1: meet him soon?

1166
00:53:36,920 --> 00:53:40,040
Speaker 3: Don't be allowing people to project whatever they want to

1167
00:53:40,080 --> 00:53:42,840
Speaker 3: project over your life. Them claiming that over you that

1168
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:45,800
Speaker 3: you'll never find a man you travel too much. Maybe

1169
00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:48,920
Speaker 3: they want to travel more, maybe they want a good job.

1170
00:53:49,440 --> 00:53:53,680
Speaker 3: Maybe they're projecting this on you. I just feel like

1171
00:53:53,719 --> 00:53:58,880
Speaker 3: once you prepare yourself for the right person, they come along.

1172
00:53:58,960 --> 00:54:01,080
Speaker 3: It seems like you are so successful in all of

1173
00:54:01,120 --> 00:54:04,719
Speaker 3: the things that matter to you. Your career, you're successful

1174
00:54:04,719 --> 00:54:07,960
Speaker 3: in that field, You're well traveled, you know.

1175
00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:08,640
Speaker 2: I don't think though.

1176
00:54:08,719 --> 00:54:10,800
Speaker 3: I think those are things that when you do find someone,

1177
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:13,520
Speaker 3: you're going to meet someone who is looking for a

1178
00:54:13,560 --> 00:54:16,000
Speaker 3: woman like you, and that kind of energy that you

1179
00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:17,080
Speaker 3: put out you're going to receive.

1180
00:54:18,200 --> 00:54:23,640
Speaker 4: I agree with you partly. I will say this. As we've.

1181
00:54:25,160 --> 00:54:29,200
Speaker 1: Traveled through this time of social media, there's been waves. Right,

1182
00:54:30,000 --> 00:54:32,840
Speaker 1: there was a wave of a lot of women saying

1183
00:54:32,920 --> 00:54:35,400
Speaker 1: I'm independent, I don't need no man, I can do

1184
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,480
Speaker 1: things on my own. Na, I don't need no da

1185
00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:41,160
Speaker 1: da da da da. Now it seems like the wave

1186
00:54:41,239 --> 00:54:43,759
Speaker 1: has changed to soft life me. I don't want to

1187
00:54:43,760 --> 00:54:46,040
Speaker 1: live life by myself. I've been doing this for a

1188
00:54:46,080 --> 00:54:48,239
Speaker 1: long time. And the reason why I bring that up

1189
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:51,480
Speaker 1: is because she she said, not that anyone else. She said,

1190
00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:54,080
Speaker 1: I always want to always wanted to start a family,

1191
00:54:54,120 --> 00:54:58,640
Speaker 1: So she does. My point is this, don't just focus

1192
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:01,359
Speaker 1: on one thing and leave the other and then when

1193
00:55:01,360 --> 00:55:04,160
Speaker 1: it's all too late now, try to focus on that

1194
00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:06,520
Speaker 1: one when time has gone by. The reason why I

1195
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:08,360
Speaker 1: say that is because of this, the same way women

1196
00:55:08,440 --> 00:55:12,600
Speaker 1: will say the biological clock is real. I have to

1197
00:55:12,680 --> 00:55:15,760
Speaker 1: put time limits on how much time I spend with people.

1198
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:17,920
Speaker 1: If we're not going to go in this direction, I

1199
00:55:17,960 --> 00:55:20,200
Speaker 1: have to move on. I agree with you. As a woman,

1200
00:55:20,239 --> 00:55:22,600
Speaker 1: you have that ability to say that because the biological

1201
00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:26,040
Speaker 1: clock is real. But here's the facts. Men also agree

1202
00:55:26,040 --> 00:55:28,120
Speaker 1: that the biological clock is real. And if they're looking

1203
00:55:28,120 --> 00:55:30,839
Speaker 1: to start a family with someone, the closer you get

1204
00:55:30,880 --> 00:55:33,440
Speaker 1: to forty, you may not be the prime candidate.

1205
00:55:34,560 --> 00:55:36,479
Speaker 4: You see what I'm saying, Because to her.

1206
00:55:36,440 --> 00:55:38,880
Speaker 2: Being thirty already is like all right, chop chop.

1207
00:55:38,840 --> 00:55:41,759
Speaker 1: Yes, Because let's be honest, Once you get into that

1208
00:55:41,840 --> 00:55:47,600
Speaker 1: mid thirties era, it's harder to procreate. A woman's body

1209
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:50,319
Speaker 1: changes once you get to thirty five to thirty six.

1210
00:55:50,400 --> 00:55:53,360
Speaker 1: Now you're a geriatric and you're high risk. This is

1211
00:55:53,400 --> 00:55:55,560
Speaker 1: a scientific that they say. You know what I'm saying.

1212
00:55:55,719 --> 00:55:58,960
Speaker 2: Og hated the term jeriatic. I don't let anybody call

1213
00:55:59,040 --> 00:55:59,399
Speaker 2: you Jerry.

1214
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:01,399
Speaker 4: If you were in a jeri astric, I was like.

1215
00:56:03,480 --> 00:56:04,399
Speaker 2: You about thirty six.

1216
00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:06,080
Speaker 1: But the reason why I say that is because the

1217
00:56:06,080 --> 00:56:09,239
Speaker 1: same way women women understand that the biological clock is

1218
00:56:09,239 --> 00:56:11,880
Speaker 1: real to them, men who are looking for partners understand

1219
00:56:11,920 --> 00:56:13,640
Speaker 1: that as well. So if men are looking for younger

1220
00:56:13,719 --> 00:56:16,000
Speaker 1: women to procreate and have kids, you can't then say

1221
00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:18,120
Speaker 1: why are you holding that against me, because that's the

1222
00:56:18,160 --> 00:56:20,719
Speaker 1: same argument you hold against men when you want to do.

1223
00:56:20,719 --> 00:56:21,560
Speaker 4: Things on your time.

1224
00:56:22,160 --> 00:56:23,759
Speaker 1: And I say that because if you want to have

1225
00:56:23,760 --> 00:56:25,560
Speaker 1: a career and you want to have a family, there's

1226
00:56:25,560 --> 00:56:28,000
Speaker 1: a way to do both. You find time to focus

1227
00:56:28,040 --> 00:56:31,040
Speaker 1: on both, don't only find time to focus on one,

1228
00:56:31,480 --> 00:56:33,480
Speaker 1: and then when you don't get what you're looking for

1229
00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:36,520
Speaker 1: out of that aspect of your life, then be upset

1230
00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:37,120
Speaker 1: at yourself.

1231
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:39,000
Speaker 3: But I also kind of think it's seasonal two because

1232
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:40,680
Speaker 3: it's like, have you ever heard that, Like, for example,

1233
00:56:40,760 --> 00:56:42,080
Speaker 3: a woman can have it all, just not all at

1234
00:56:42,120 --> 00:56:44,600
Speaker 3: the same time. Absolutely, and that may be the thing

1235
00:56:44,680 --> 00:56:46,680
Speaker 3: for her right now. So having it all looked like

1236
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:50,479
Speaker 3: in her twenties, traveling, absolute, her career and all that.

1237
00:56:50,840 --> 00:56:53,400
Speaker 3: Now what you want to focus and shift on assists

1238
00:56:53,440 --> 00:56:56,040
Speaker 3: And what I'm imploring you to do is now focus

1239
00:56:56,080 --> 00:57:00,280
Speaker 3: on being deliberate and intentional about what you're looking for,

1240
00:57:00,800 --> 00:57:04,560
Speaker 3: put yourself in spaces to meet people who are like minded,

1241
00:57:05,160 --> 00:57:07,280
Speaker 3: and that being like a better chance of it. Because

1242
00:57:07,320 --> 00:57:09,400
Speaker 3: now since you're shifting the focus, if you were that

1243
00:57:09,520 --> 00:57:11,960
Speaker 3: hyper focused in your twenties about traveling, your career and

1244
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:15,360
Speaker 3: being well versed being a great global citizen, now focus

1245
00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:17,720
Speaker 3: your energy on finding yourself a man.

1246
00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:19,600
Speaker 1: But that was my point, But you know you didn't

1247
00:57:19,640 --> 00:57:22,400
Speaker 1: initially give her that advice about focusing on that aspect.

1248
00:57:22,880 --> 00:57:24,640
Speaker 1: It almost seems to some people it's like, well, I'm

1249
00:57:24,640 --> 00:57:27,400
Speaker 1: a focus on my career and if love happens, it happens.

1250
00:57:28,000 --> 00:57:30,640
Speaker 1: You do have to also be focused and deliberate about

1251
00:57:30,680 --> 00:57:33,920
Speaker 1: finding love the same way you found your career. And

1252
00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:36,000
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean you chase men. It just means you

1253
00:57:36,120 --> 00:57:39,160
Speaker 1: chase an opportunity to be in spaces where these are

1254
00:57:39,200 --> 00:57:41,760
Speaker 1: the type of men that I am interested in, and

1255
00:57:41,800 --> 00:57:44,040
Speaker 1: if one is interested in me at the right time,

1256
00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:47,240
Speaker 1: then we can make it. Will You know what I'm saying, I,

1257
00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:50,400
Speaker 1: for one, am not all for chasing anybody. And I

1258
00:57:50,520 --> 00:57:52,520
Speaker 1: even sell this to my young men. I'm like, why

1259
00:57:52,520 --> 00:57:55,960
Speaker 1: are you chasing a woman or women in general? You

1260
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:58,320
Speaker 1: need to be focused on your career and building yourself up,

1261
00:57:58,320 --> 00:58:00,560
Speaker 1: but putting yourself in positions where you can meet a

1262
00:58:00,600 --> 00:58:04,720
Speaker 1: woman who maybe evenly YOK. That's literally what happened to us.

1263
00:58:05,440 --> 00:58:07,800
Speaker 1: We were young, we were eighteen, but I was focused

1264
00:58:07,800 --> 00:58:10,320
Speaker 1: on my career. I was also known that if I

1265
00:58:10,360 --> 00:58:12,080
Speaker 1: go to college and I meet somebody, there's gonna be

1266
00:58:12,080 --> 00:58:13,840
Speaker 1: women here who are also focused on.

1267
00:58:13,800 --> 00:58:15,920
Speaker 4: Their careers, which is funny.

1268
00:58:15,920 --> 00:58:19,400
Speaker 1: I was talking to Jackson, right, and Jackson was just like, YO,

1269
00:58:19,440 --> 00:58:23,160
Speaker 1: make sure you find woman that has stuff going on

1270
00:58:23,240 --> 00:58:23,800
Speaker 1: for herself.

1271
00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:26,560
Speaker 4: Yes, And he was like, what you mean? I was like, Bro,

1272
00:58:27,480 --> 00:58:30,920
Speaker 4: if you just focus on a woman right who looks

1273
00:58:30,960 --> 00:58:34,480
Speaker 4: a certain way, h only goal in life is to

1274
00:58:34,520 --> 00:58:38,480
Speaker 4: be up your ass, right, You're gonna go crazy.

1275
00:58:38,960 --> 00:58:41,640
Speaker 1: She's gonna go crazy trying to be up your ass,

1276
00:58:41,640 --> 00:58:44,240
Speaker 1: and you're gonna go crazy trying to remove her from

1277
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:46,840
Speaker 1: your ass because you got other things to do. I said,

1278
00:58:46,840 --> 00:58:48,760
Speaker 1: what attracted me to your mom was that she had

1279
00:58:48,760 --> 00:58:51,320
Speaker 1: her own thing going on. And since she had her

1280
00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:54,240
Speaker 1: own thing going on, I knew she was disciplined, I

1281
00:58:54,320 --> 00:58:56,160
Speaker 1: knew she was focused. I knew we could build a

1282
00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:59,320
Speaker 1: life together. So and I say that too. Don't think

1283
00:58:59,320 --> 00:59:01,360
Speaker 1: that because you accomplished all this stuff, you're going to

1284
00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:04,280
Speaker 1: intimidate or chase men away. That is not the case.

1285
00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:06,200
Speaker 2: That's just not going to be the man for you. Right,

1286
00:59:06,320 --> 00:59:07,200
Speaker 2: does chase him away?

1287
00:59:07,280 --> 00:59:07,480
Speaker 4: Right?

1288
00:59:07,920 --> 00:59:10,280
Speaker 3: You want a man that's just like, Okay, yep, my

1289
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:13,040
Speaker 3: girl did this. Oh we could do this together because

1290
00:59:13,040 --> 00:59:16,000
Speaker 3: I'm doing that great. And that's how you build an empire.

1291
00:59:16,160 --> 00:59:18,760
Speaker 1: For every man that wants to stay at home wife

1292
00:59:18,800 --> 00:59:21,320
Speaker 1: to do nothing, there is a man who wants a

1293
00:59:21,360 --> 00:59:24,120
Speaker 1: wife that can build an empire as well. So don't

1294
00:59:24,120 --> 00:59:26,640
Speaker 1: think that there's one archetype of man looking for one

1295
00:59:26,760 --> 00:59:29,880
Speaker 1: archetype of woman. It's not right, like we're all out

1296
00:59:29,920 --> 00:59:33,280
Speaker 1: here just trying to find who is for us. So, baby,

1297
00:59:33,560 --> 00:59:35,640
Speaker 1: if you really want that family and you want that career,

1298
00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:36,720
Speaker 1: find time.

1299
00:59:36,600 --> 00:59:40,720
Speaker 4: For both because you can do it. There you go, number.

1300
00:59:40,400 --> 00:59:41,280
Speaker 2: Two, number two?

1301
00:59:41,400 --> 00:59:43,680
Speaker 3: What up, though, Hikadina de val I just want to

1302
00:59:43,680 --> 00:59:45,200
Speaker 3: start by saying, I love you guys so much.

1303
00:59:45,280 --> 00:59:46,760
Speaker 2: You are truly my inspiration.

1304
00:59:47,120 --> 00:59:48,920
Speaker 4: Thank you, just from Detroit.

1305
00:59:49,000 --> 00:59:52,560
Speaker 2: Love it. I sort of what up though, Okay, I'm

1306
00:59:52,680 --> 00:59:53,720
Speaker 2: going to just jump right in.

1307
00:59:53,800 --> 00:59:55,720
Speaker 3: My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years

1308
00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:58,840
Speaker 3: and have a beautiful four year old son. Two months ago,

1309
00:59:58,880 --> 01:00:00,400
Speaker 3: he decided that he doesn't want to be in a

1310
01:00:00,440 --> 01:00:03,680
Speaker 3: relationship anymore because he can't get past my flaws.

1311
01:00:04,080 --> 01:00:05,280
Speaker 2: He doesn't like my weight.

1312
01:00:05,400 --> 01:00:08,240
Speaker 3: He complains about me gossiping about our business to certain

1313
01:00:08,240 --> 01:00:11,280
Speaker 3: people that don't need to know everything, which I take

1314
01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:15,080
Speaker 3: accountability for and have apologized for it. He also feels

1315
01:00:15,120 --> 01:00:17,880
Speaker 3: like I don't push myself to my full potential. I

1316
01:00:17,880 --> 01:00:19,880
Speaker 3: have a great job and make great money. I can

1317
01:00:19,960 --> 01:00:24,160
Speaker 3: understand how important it is to him wanting me to

1318
01:00:24,240 --> 01:00:27,160
Speaker 3: look good so I can feel good about myself. I

1319
01:00:27,200 --> 01:00:29,680
Speaker 3: started working on the things that he was having an

1320
01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:32,240
Speaker 3: issue with. I started working out four days a week

1321
01:00:32,280 --> 01:00:35,320
Speaker 3: and lost fifteen pounds. I started communicating more, and he

1322
01:00:35,360 --> 01:00:37,720
Speaker 3: feels the same way. He still wants to live in

1323
01:00:37,720 --> 01:00:40,600
Speaker 3: the same household to co parent our son. He says

1324
01:00:40,640 --> 01:00:43,960
Speaker 3: he's going to move out eventually, but not right now here.

1325
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:46,320
Speaker 3: I was thinking, we're building this life together just to

1326
01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:49,000
Speaker 3: have it all taken away. I'm going to be honest.

1327
01:00:49,080 --> 01:00:51,560
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm losing my soulmate. How can you

1328
01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:53,120
Speaker 3: just throw away ten years so easily?

1329
01:00:53,600 --> 01:00:55,240
Speaker 2: Mind? Jewey broke up five years ago.

1330
01:00:55,520 --> 01:00:58,280
Speaker 3: He started messing with this girl who was batgit crazy,

1331
01:00:58,680 --> 01:01:01,640
Speaker 3: and guess what, he came back to me, And here

1332
01:01:01,640 --> 01:01:03,720
Speaker 3: we are, five years later, going through the same thing.

1333
01:01:04,200 --> 01:01:06,800
Speaker 3: The only difference is a child is involved. Now, you

1334
01:01:06,840 --> 01:01:09,480
Speaker 3: guys recently did a podcast on colda having a speech delate,

1335
01:01:09,520 --> 01:01:12,000
Speaker 3: and we're currently dealing with the same thing. He feels

1336
01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:13,600
Speaker 3: that if he moves out that our son will be

1337
01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:16,320
Speaker 3: affected by that and he will not progress or he'll

1338
01:01:16,320 --> 01:01:17,040
Speaker 3: stop progressing.

1339
01:01:17,960 --> 01:01:19,880
Speaker 2: I'm going to be honest with you. I call bullshit.

1340
01:01:20,720 --> 01:01:22,919
Speaker 3: My question to you, is am I wrong for wanting

1341
01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:24,760
Speaker 3: him to move out in order for me to heal

1342
01:01:24,840 --> 01:01:28,280
Speaker 3: and move on? Do I still continue to do his laundry,

1343
01:01:28,360 --> 01:01:30,560
Speaker 3: cook food for him, be supportive?

1344
01:01:30,720 --> 01:01:30,880
Speaker 4: No?

1345
01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:33,480
Speaker 3: I really don't know what to do. I hope you

1346
01:01:33,520 --> 01:01:35,720
Speaker 3: guys get my letter and can give me some advice.

1347
01:01:35,800 --> 01:01:37,800
Speaker 3: Signed a tired woman. All right, baby, you said no,

1348
01:01:37,960 --> 01:01:38,560
Speaker 3: I'll come.

1349
01:01:38,680 --> 01:01:41,040
Speaker 4: Because, to be honest, I'm not mad at' either one

1350
01:01:41,040 --> 01:01:41,360
Speaker 4: of them.

1351
01:01:41,600 --> 01:01:43,880
Speaker 2: To be honest, this is I mean, se valid points.

1352
01:01:44,760 --> 01:01:46,240
Speaker 4: This is my thing. Right.

1353
01:01:46,640 --> 01:01:48,480
Speaker 1: When someone is honest with you and tell you how

1354
01:01:48,480 --> 01:01:50,800
Speaker 1: they feel about something, you can't be mad or judge them.

1355
01:01:51,280 --> 01:01:53,920
Speaker 1: He not out here cheating and saying, oh, I love

1356
01:01:53,960 --> 01:01:55,720
Speaker 1: you baby, I'm gonna be home by ten and then

1357
01:01:55,800 --> 01:01:58,600
Speaker 1: come home at two am. He's like, nah, I don't

1358
01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:02,200
Speaker 1: appreciate your weight gain, and I don't appreciate the fact

1359
01:02:02,200 --> 01:02:03,920
Speaker 1: that you be talking out business to everybody.

1360
01:02:04,120 --> 01:02:05,280
Speaker 4: He's letting you know what it is.

1361
01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:07,160
Speaker 1: Now that he lets you know what it is, you

1362
01:02:07,200 --> 01:02:09,400
Speaker 1: have a choice, and you have to decide what you

1363
01:02:09,440 --> 01:02:09,920
Speaker 1: want to do.

1364
01:02:10,440 --> 01:02:12,160
Speaker 4: These things you guys do. I still continue to do

1365
01:02:12,200 --> 01:02:13,040
Speaker 4: his launch and cook from.

1366
01:02:12,920 --> 01:02:14,960
Speaker 1: And be supportive if you don't choose to, if you

1367
01:02:14,960 --> 01:02:16,920
Speaker 1: don't want to, you don't have to.

1368
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:19,160
Speaker 4: You're not obligated to, because at.

1369
01:02:19,040 --> 01:02:21,040
Speaker 3: The point if you're just living like roommates in orders

1370
01:02:21,040 --> 01:02:23,080
Speaker 3: to co parent. Where I do understand his point of

1371
01:02:23,120 --> 01:02:24,680
Speaker 3: view is like, Okay, if you're dealing with something that

1372
01:02:24,720 --> 01:02:27,760
Speaker 3: your son is going through, yes, it may be more

1373
01:02:27,760 --> 01:02:30,400
Speaker 3: of a detriment to him to remove Dad from the household,

1374
01:02:30,440 --> 01:02:33,320
Speaker 3: now understand versus both parents working together to help him

1375
01:02:33,360 --> 01:02:35,400
Speaker 3: get through this. But I agree with you at that point,

1376
01:02:35,440 --> 01:02:36,880
Speaker 3: you're going to have to kind of draw the line

1377
01:02:36,920 --> 01:02:39,320
Speaker 3: about where or what this arrangement is going to look

1378
01:02:39,400 --> 01:02:42,120
Speaker 3: like until he decides to move out. So I would

1379
01:02:42,680 --> 01:02:45,360
Speaker 3: tell you to further have this conversation and just say, hey,

1380
01:02:46,240 --> 01:02:48,479
Speaker 3: I need to work on myself clearly in this moment,

1381
01:02:48,520 --> 01:02:50,800
Speaker 3: which she started doing with working out and everything, and

1382
01:02:50,800 --> 01:02:53,040
Speaker 3: I'm hoping that you're also wanting that for yourself too,

1383
01:02:53,440 --> 01:02:55,120
Speaker 3: because it's going to be short lived if you're just

1384
01:02:55,120 --> 01:02:58,280
Speaker 3: doing this for him to him and you're not completely

1385
01:02:58,320 --> 01:03:00,880
Speaker 3: bought into this for yourself as an INDIVI visual So

1386
01:03:01,000 --> 01:03:02,920
Speaker 3: you can say to him, I've been working on these things.

1387
01:03:02,960 --> 01:03:03,840
Speaker 2: These are what I want to do.

1388
01:03:03,920 --> 01:03:05,800
Speaker 3: But in order for me to kind of draw a

1389
01:03:05,840 --> 01:03:08,280
Speaker 3: boundary instead of line, I'm going to need you to

1390
01:03:08,320 --> 01:03:11,120
Speaker 3: discuss with me how you can see or how you

1391
01:03:11,280 --> 01:03:13,640
Speaker 3: see this playing out until I move out, so that

1392
01:03:13,640 --> 01:03:15,720
Speaker 3: way we know exactly where the lines are being drawn.

1393
01:03:16,120 --> 01:03:16,920
Speaker 4: I heard them move out.

1394
01:03:17,000 --> 01:03:19,160
Speaker 2: No, no, no, I'm saying for them to have the conversation

1395
01:03:19,320 --> 01:03:21,160
Speaker 2: about what the lines and boundaries are going.

1396
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:25,200
Speaker 3: To look definitely, because it's going to be it's new.

1397
01:03:25,240 --> 01:03:26,960
Speaker 3: And if this is the thing where he's looking to

1398
01:03:27,080 --> 01:03:33,080
Speaker 3: move out and the relationship, then you know some changes

1399
01:03:33,120 --> 01:03:33,760
Speaker 3: have to be made.

1400
01:03:34,320 --> 01:03:37,400
Speaker 1: To be honest, I don't understand how he plans on

1401
01:03:37,760 --> 01:03:42,960
Speaker 1: co parenting, living there and still courting other women. I

1402
01:03:42,960 --> 01:03:44,520
Speaker 1: don't see how that's going to work. Like you meet

1403
01:03:44,560 --> 01:03:45,760
Speaker 1: a girl, you have a good time, which you can

1404
01:03:45,800 --> 01:03:47,560
Speaker 1: to bring her back here. This is my ex girlfriend

1405
01:03:48,200 --> 01:03:49,640
Speaker 1: living like I don't I don't know what that's going

1406
01:03:49,680 --> 01:03:51,760
Speaker 1: to look like. That's never been my testimony, so I

1407
01:03:51,800 --> 01:03:52,240
Speaker 1: don't know.

1408
01:03:52,840 --> 01:03:55,200
Speaker 3: But or maybe he's not looking to be with other

1409
01:03:55,240 --> 01:03:56,960
Speaker 3: women right now, he just doesn't want to be with her.

1410
01:03:57,000 --> 01:03:59,120
Speaker 3: Because she didn't specify if he mentioned wanting to be

1411
01:03:59,160 --> 01:03:59,960
Speaker 3: with other people.

1412
01:03:59,840 --> 01:04:00,640
Speaker 4: Right right, We didn't.

1413
01:04:00,680 --> 01:04:02,760
Speaker 1: We don't have too much context from his backstory, but

1414
01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:04,760
Speaker 1: and she also did say that they broke up five

1415
01:04:04,840 --> 01:04:05,240
Speaker 1: years ago.

1416
01:04:05,960 --> 01:04:09,160
Speaker 3: He started messing with years every five years. Remember the

1417
01:04:09,200 --> 01:04:11,840
Speaker 3: first five years of our marriage was to and we did.

1418
01:04:11,920 --> 01:04:12,680
Speaker 4: We did talk about this.

1419
01:04:12,720 --> 01:04:15,400
Speaker 1: You and I talked about this when you asked when

1420
01:04:15,440 --> 01:04:17,640
Speaker 1: you tell someone in the beginning what you're looking for right,

1421
01:04:17,960 --> 01:04:20,360
Speaker 1: and you constantly have those conversations and they don't change.

1422
01:04:21,120 --> 01:04:23,360
Speaker 1: You break up, then you get back together, they change

1423
01:04:23,360 --> 01:04:25,480
Speaker 1: for two weeks, and then they go back to being

1424
01:04:25,520 --> 01:04:27,600
Speaker 1: who they are. It could be a thing where he

1425
01:04:27,640 --> 01:04:30,560
Speaker 1: doesn't believe that her change will be permanent, you know.

1426
01:04:31,040 --> 01:04:33,720
Speaker 1: And like you said, if you're trying to do this

1427
01:04:34,440 --> 01:04:39,640
Speaker 1: solely for him is not sustainable. So you're better off

1428
01:04:39,800 --> 01:04:42,439
Speaker 1: just severing ties now so that you both can find

1429
01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:46,080
Speaker 1: whatever piece it is that you want. But asking us,

1430
01:04:46,160 --> 01:04:48,720
Speaker 1: I've said this at the Live show, what you should do,

1431
01:04:48,760 --> 01:04:51,080
Speaker 1: you know exactly what you should do. You just have

1432
01:04:51,160 --> 01:04:53,520
Speaker 1: to listen to yourself, as difficult as it may be.

1433
01:04:54,000 --> 01:04:55,800
Speaker 1: If you don't want to continue to support him and

1434
01:04:55,840 --> 01:04:57,520
Speaker 1: do Lanne do all this other stuff the way you

1435
01:04:57,560 --> 01:04:59,840
Speaker 1: have been, then don't like. He's trying to draw a

1436
01:04:59,880 --> 01:05:01,880
Speaker 1: line in a boundary, So you should draw a line

1437
01:05:01,880 --> 01:05:03,840
Speaker 1: in a boundary. And when you draw that line in

1438
01:05:03,880 --> 01:05:06,440
Speaker 1: a boundary, you have to stick to it, you know.

1439
01:05:06,520 --> 01:05:09,840
Speaker 1: I just think it's it's it's unfortunate, you know that

1440
01:05:09,920 --> 01:05:11,439
Speaker 1: they have to go through this. I love to see

1441
01:05:11,440 --> 01:05:14,000
Speaker 1: people work things out, especially when children are involved. But

1442
01:05:14,080 --> 01:05:16,640
Speaker 1: I do say I love his honesty and saying what

1443
01:05:16,720 --> 01:05:19,600
Speaker 1: he doesn't like, you know, because because.

1444
01:05:19,360 --> 01:05:21,080
Speaker 3: It can be hard to tell somebody like man, I'm

1445
01:05:21,120 --> 01:05:23,800
Speaker 3: not you know, feeling as attracted to anymore because you

1446
01:05:23,800 --> 01:05:24,840
Speaker 3: don't look at your best self.

1447
01:05:25,000 --> 01:05:26,200
Speaker 2: And that goes for a man or a woman.

1448
01:05:26,360 --> 01:05:28,120
Speaker 3: Absolutely that women write in that just like yo, my

1449
01:05:28,160 --> 01:05:29,800
Speaker 3: man gave way, he got a big belly, like you

1450
01:05:29,800 --> 01:05:30,360
Speaker 3: know what I'm saying.

1451
01:05:30,440 --> 01:05:31,720
Speaker 2: So it goes both ways.

1452
01:05:31,800 --> 01:05:34,120
Speaker 1: But I will say this too, I applaud him for

1453
01:05:34,160 --> 01:05:36,640
Speaker 1: being honest and upfront with her, because a lot of

1454
01:05:36,640 --> 01:05:39,840
Speaker 1: times we shame men for being honest. But then if

1455
01:05:39,840 --> 01:05:41,400
Speaker 1: a woman says they don't like what is I need

1456
01:05:41,400 --> 01:05:44,360
Speaker 1: to leave, We'll applaud that you still tall. I'm no

1457
01:05:44,400 --> 01:05:46,120
Speaker 1: longer going to shame a man who says he doesn't

1458
01:05:46,120 --> 01:05:47,640
Speaker 1: want to be in a situation he doesn't want to

1459
01:05:47,680 --> 01:05:49,320
Speaker 1: be in. Most of the time we tell him what

1460
01:05:49,440 --> 01:05:52,040
Speaker 1: man up. And when they man up, they end up

1461
01:05:52,040 --> 01:05:54,640
Speaker 1: doing unsavory things within a relationship because it's like I'm

1462
01:05:54,640 --> 01:05:56,440
Speaker 1: trying to man up and be which I want to be,

1463
01:05:56,440 --> 01:05:59,480
Speaker 1: but I'm not happy yet, you know. Then they detach

1464
01:05:59,560 --> 01:06:02,840
Speaker 1: emotion or even worse, they start cheating, or even worse,

1465
01:06:02,840 --> 01:06:04,640
Speaker 1: they get physical with the women. Because they don't want

1466
01:06:04,640 --> 01:06:06,440
Speaker 1: to be there and now the only control they have

1467
01:06:06,680 --> 01:06:09,600
Speaker 1: is you know, control, and I don't want to see that.

1468
01:06:09,880 --> 01:06:12,200
Speaker 1: So him saying, listen, this is not what I want.

1469
01:06:12,480 --> 01:06:14,479
Speaker 1: I would tell any woman to be like, hey, glad

1470
01:06:14,520 --> 01:06:17,080
Speaker 1: you told me, and he was honest. Here's the boundaries.

1471
01:06:17,920 --> 01:06:20,480
Speaker 1: I'm going to find someone who wants to accept me

1472
01:06:20,920 --> 01:06:23,800
Speaker 1: with the fifteen pound extra because there is a man

1473
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:26,080
Speaker 1: out there who will accept you that way, you know

1474
01:06:26,160 --> 01:06:29,080
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So he did you a favor? Did

1475
01:06:29,080 --> 01:06:31,120
Speaker 1: you accept the favors? They thank you very much for

1476
01:06:31,120 --> 01:06:33,000
Speaker 1: your time, Thank you very much for this baby we have.

1477
01:06:33,520 --> 01:06:34,760
Speaker 1: But life doesn't stop.

1478
01:06:34,480 --> 01:06:36,160
Speaker 3: Here, right and you're owe it to your son to

1479
01:06:36,200 --> 01:06:38,440
Speaker 3: be good coherence in a healthy environment.

1480
01:06:38,520 --> 01:06:39,960
Speaker 2: If it's not healthy, it ain't gonna work.

1481
01:06:40,240 --> 01:06:43,240
Speaker 1: And sweetheart, real talk, you owe it to yourself to

1482
01:06:43,320 --> 01:06:45,680
Speaker 1: be healthy. Kadeen and I have been talking about this.

1483
01:06:46,240 --> 01:06:49,920
Speaker 1: Health has really changed our life in so many ways.

1484
01:06:50,120 --> 01:06:53,160
Speaker 1: We talked about doing a sex episode because we did

1485
01:06:53,200 --> 01:06:57,000
Speaker 1: so many episodes complaining about our sex life when we

1486
01:06:57,000 --> 01:07:01,360
Speaker 1: weren't healthy, not only mentally but also and now we've

1487
01:07:01,400 --> 01:07:05,000
Speaker 1: seen the changes in our sex life because we're healthier,

1488
01:07:05,040 --> 01:07:07,480
Speaker 1: like we realize that, so we want to talk to

1489
01:07:07,520 --> 01:07:10,120
Speaker 1: you guys how important it is to remain healthy so

1490
01:07:10,280 --> 01:07:11,880
Speaker 1: you can enjoy that part of your life too. And

1491
01:07:12,160 --> 01:07:14,400
Speaker 1: will you at fifteen pounds if you want to get down,

1492
01:07:14,480 --> 01:07:16,880
Speaker 1: do it for you, be healthy, do it for your child,

1493
01:07:17,280 --> 01:07:19,680
Speaker 1: don't do it for nobody else, do it for yourself

1494
01:07:19,840 --> 01:07:20,840
Speaker 1: first and then share it.

1495
01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:22,520
Speaker 2: There you go, all right, y'all.

1496
01:07:22,560 --> 01:07:23,960
Speaker 3: If you want to be featured as one of our

1497
01:07:24,000 --> 01:07:27,560
Speaker 3: listener letters, email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail

1498
01:07:27,640 --> 01:07:28,320
Speaker 3: dot com.

1499
01:07:28,360 --> 01:07:30,520
Speaker 4: That's D E A. D A S s A. D

1500
01:07:30,680 --> 01:07:33,760
Speaker 4: v Ice at gmail dot com.

1501
01:07:34,040 --> 01:07:35,080
Speaker 2: Moment of Truth time.

1502
01:07:36,440 --> 01:07:39,040
Speaker 1: My moment of truth is simple understanding that grief is

1503
01:07:39,080 --> 01:07:44,240
Speaker 1: different for everyone. There's no cutoff point where you have

1504
01:07:44,280 --> 01:07:47,000
Speaker 1: to start telling people how to grief, and if you're grieving,

1505
01:07:47,200 --> 01:07:49,680
Speaker 1: give yourself grace, give other people grace, and try to

1506
01:07:49,720 --> 01:07:51,680
Speaker 1: be as supportive as you can through this process.

1507
01:07:51,920 --> 01:07:54,040
Speaker 2: That's a great one, babe.

1508
01:07:54,120 --> 01:07:56,680
Speaker 3: Mine is I think pretty cliche because you hear it

1509
01:07:56,720 --> 01:07:59,960
Speaker 3: all the time, particularly from people who have recently lost

1510
01:08:00,520 --> 01:08:05,320
Speaker 3: a loved one, but it's really lean into and cherish

1511
01:08:05,400 --> 01:08:08,280
Speaker 3: the moments you have with the people you love because

1512
01:08:08,320 --> 01:08:13,680
Speaker 3: at any moment, anybody can be gone and the one

1513
01:08:14,920 --> 01:08:17,240
Speaker 3: tiny bit of consolation I have in all of this

1514
01:08:18,040 --> 01:08:23,080
Speaker 3: is the rich memories that I've had with my grandparents.

1515
01:08:23,400 --> 01:08:27,439
Speaker 3: And I appreciate and applaud my parents for being so

1516
01:08:27,520 --> 01:08:30,559
Speaker 3: deliberate and intentional about making sure that we were with

1517
01:08:30,600 --> 01:08:33,920
Speaker 3: our grandparents a lot, and we spent a lot of

1518
01:08:33,960 --> 01:08:37,320
Speaker 3: time with them. We have so many memories, so many bonds.

1519
01:08:37,400 --> 01:08:40,720
Speaker 3: Grandma's house, Grandpa's house. I mean, the idea and the

1520
01:08:40,760 --> 01:08:43,200
Speaker 3: thought of it just brings warmth to me to this day.

1521
01:08:43,720 --> 01:08:45,960
Speaker 2: And I love that our children.

1522
01:08:46,240 --> 01:08:48,720
Speaker 3: Are getting to experience that with our parents, and they're

1523
01:08:48,720 --> 01:08:51,880
Speaker 3: building their own relationships and bonds with my parents and

1524
01:08:51,880 --> 01:08:54,080
Speaker 3: then your parents. You know, Jackson and your dad are

1525
01:08:54,080 --> 01:08:57,519
Speaker 3: on the phone every day talking to each other. And

1526
01:08:57,640 --> 01:08:59,920
Speaker 3: now that he's retired and mis about to be retiring,

1527
01:09:00,080 --> 01:09:03,519
Speaker 3: I have both sets the grandparents down here. So I'm

1528
01:09:03,520 --> 01:09:06,439
Speaker 3: excited for that. I'm excited for our children to continue

1529
01:09:06,479 --> 01:09:08,280
Speaker 3: to build those bonds. And I just implore you all,

1530
01:09:08,320 --> 01:09:10,600
Speaker 3: if there's someone that you love, you know, pick up

1531
01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:12,760
Speaker 3: the phone, make the phone call, make the trip, if

1532
01:09:12,800 --> 01:09:15,639
Speaker 3: you can, just love on your people while they're here.

1533
01:09:15,800 --> 01:09:17,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, all right, y'all.

1534
01:09:18,640 --> 01:09:20,960
Speaker 3: You can find us on Patreon Shout Out to our

1535
01:09:20,960 --> 01:09:24,200
Speaker 3: Patreon Ganggang, where you can see exclusive dead Ass podcast

1536
01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:28,080
Speaker 3: content as well as more extended Ellis family footage, and

1537
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:31,439
Speaker 3: you can find us on social media dead Ass the Podcast, I'm.

1538
01:09:31,280 --> 01:09:33,080
Speaker 1: Kadeen, I am and I Am Devow and if you're

1539
01:09:33,120 --> 01:09:37,000
Speaker 1: listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe.

1540
01:09:37,000 --> 01:09:38,960
Speaker 1: And while you're subscribing, make sure you get your copy

1541
01:09:39,000 --> 01:09:41,719
Speaker 1: of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting Everything

1542
01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:43,960
Speaker 1: you want out of your relationship.

1543
01:09:44,080 --> 01:09:45,160
Speaker 2: Dead Ass y'all.

1544
01:09:47,000 --> 01:09:51,839
Speaker 1: Cut. Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network

1545
01:09:51,880 --> 01:09:55,559
Speaker 1: and it's produced by Donorpina and Triple. Follow the podcast

1546
01:09:55,600 --> 01:09:58,240
Speaker 1: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never

1547
01:09:58,280 --> 01:09:58,720
Speaker 1: Miss a Thing

1548
01:10:01,560 --> 01:10:01,760
Speaker 3: Nam