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Speaker 1: We wild nosey. So we're listening to all y'all listening

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Speaker 1: to letters today, dead ass, because I don't want to

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Speaker 1: know what you got going on, because we're always telling

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Speaker 1: our business. So hey, we're gonna get into you dead

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Speaker 1: as Hey. I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You

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Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our voys

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Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one

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Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We

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Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's

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Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk

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Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead

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Speaker 1: adds is the term that we say every day. So

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Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about

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Speaker 1: to take Phillow talk to a whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: ass starts right now. All right, So we gotta listen

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Speaker 1: to letters. I'm gonna be honest. I love I'll listen

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Speaker 1: to letter episodes because people love two tell us their

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Speaker 1: stories and we love to give our opinions about these stories,

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Speaker 1: and of course these opinions come without judgment, um, because

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Speaker 1: Kadine and I are not perfect and we don't claim

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Speaker 1: to be. But based on what you tell us, we

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Speaker 1: can kind of give you some advice on not how

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Speaker 1: to deal with the problem, but how to better communicate.

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Speaker 1: So y'all can learn how to deal with the problem,

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Speaker 1: because we don't know how to deal with your problems.

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Speaker 1: But if y'll can learn how to communicate better and

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Speaker 1: hopefully you'll can find some solutions. No, I love that, um,

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Speaker 1: thank you all for writing in. The thing that I

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Speaker 1: love about listen letters to most is that we are

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Speaker 1: not able to really engage much with people on social

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Speaker 1: media because comments get flooded, ms get flooded, all that.

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Speaker 1: So we appreciate you all taking the time to actually

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Speaker 1: right into the listener letter email that we give you. Guys,

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Speaker 1: what's the email devot it's dead ask advice at gmail

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Speaker 1: dot com. That's d E A D A S S

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Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com. Oh,

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Speaker 1: we reversed it and it was out, So we really

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Speaker 1: appreciate appreciate you all taking the time to actually right

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Speaker 1: into us and be at some point would love to

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Speaker 1: get to all the listener letters. But Trouble does a

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Speaker 1: great job of That was a good one too. It

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Speaker 1: wasn't it was great. It was like you swallowed the tribble. Pause.

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Speaker 1: It's true you said, like that's that didn't sound good

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Speaker 1: at all. We're gonna ask Truble how she felt about

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Speaker 1: my triple this tuner, because I felt like it was

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Speaker 1: actually it was from the diaphragm, trouble, that's not from

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Speaker 1: the Diaph'm getting the thumbs up from Josh behind the cara,

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Speaker 1: so that means that we're good. Josh on glasses, he

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Speaker 1: can't see, but he could hear. He can't see how

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Speaker 1: you said that. He could hear, though, but he could

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Speaker 1: see how I say. You see the difference. It's like

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Speaker 1: shot up whatever. Anyway, it's like shot about. That's the

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Speaker 1: love of true. Triple is gonna get you for yelling

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Speaker 1: at how microphones started that part. Pause, Start to listen letters.

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Speaker 1: You just to go on the tangent. You're gonna get

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Speaker 1: into it all right. Hey, First, thank you guys so

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Speaker 1: much for your podcast. Your podcast has ignited interesting and

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Speaker 1: educational conversations among my friends. I love that we can

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Speaker 1: get together and have good insightful conversations. My husband and

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Speaker 1: I have been together for fourteen years, six years married.

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Speaker 1: We met when I was nineteen and he was twenty.

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Speaker 1: I lost my father last year. I'm sorry, and the

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Speaker 1: grief turned into depression and anxiety. During those times, I

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Speaker 1: pushed my husband away, who went through challenges in There

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Speaker 1: was no infidelity, no financial issue. Sex was good, but

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Speaker 1: we decided to separate individually. I was not okay for

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Speaker 1: a long time. Sometimes I feel like he couldn't help me.

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Speaker 1: We've been separated for six months. I did everything I

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Speaker 1: knew how to do. Wait, I did everything I knew

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Speaker 1: how to get out of that dark place. I quit

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Speaker 1: a toxic work environment. I started my own business online.

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Speaker 1: I to go into therapy, working out consistently and doing

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Speaker 1: activities I enjoy. I might not be where I want

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Speaker 1: to be mentally, but with grace and time, I know

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Speaker 1: I will. Now. I know I hurt my husband because

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Speaker 1: I said a lot of mean things when like he's boring.

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Speaker 1: He needs, I guess to lose a little bit of weight.

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Speaker 1: He needs a little bit of what he needs. Oh,

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Speaker 1: he needs a little bit of weights. So he might

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Speaker 1: be saying okay, or I regret marrying. I feel guilty,

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Speaker 1: shame and anger towards myself for the things I said

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Speaker 1: to him when I was angry. There's no excuse, and

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Speaker 1: I know that something I have to deal with. Now

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Speaker 1: I'm not feeling depressed and I have a better control

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Speaker 1: over my anxiety. My husband has brought up how he

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Speaker 1: is conflicted about us. He wants to move back in together, However,

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Speaker 1: he also likes his freedom. He brought up divorce and

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Speaker 1: wanted to start fresh, Yet he tells me he's been

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Speaker 1: looking for a place for us. He's very confused because

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Speaker 1: he tells me he loves me and cares for me. However,

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Speaker 1: he's never been alone. He expresses he needs time to

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Speaker 1: himself and hopes we end up together in the future,

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Speaker 1: whether it's six months, two months, two years, or two

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Speaker 1: ten years. I hope he is living in a fantasy land.

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Speaker 1: I told him he is living where you see. Hope

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Speaker 1: you all right? Let me, let me finish. I told

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Speaker 1: him he is living in a fantasy land. He cannot

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Speaker 1: assume that we will get back together if we decide

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Speaker 1: to divorce. There is a chance he can meet someone,

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Speaker 1: and the same goals for me. I don't want a

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Speaker 1: divorce and I want to work. I work on our

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Speaker 1: issues just me. You can't wait for me to mess

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Speaker 1: up one time. You don't fumbled and bumbled through this

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Speaker 1: whole listener letter. I mess up one world and you

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Speaker 1: mean I brought up a couple of therapy, but he

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Speaker 1: feels we don't need it. What is your advice on

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Speaker 1: handling this situation? Do I let him get to a sport? Listen?

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Speaker 1: This is no, no no, no no. I'm done reading it

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Speaker 1: because she went back and forth nine times. He went back.

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Speaker 1: He wants to be together, but he wants his freedom.

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Speaker 1: He wants to get the divorce, but he wants to

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Speaker 1: get back together. Signs it sincerely confused as thank you,

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Speaker 1: just because reading that list was confusing, because it don't

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Speaker 1: seem like either one of y'all want to be together

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Speaker 1: or apart. It seems to me like he wants his

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Speaker 1: freedom and wants to be married. That don't happen. It

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Speaker 1: seems like she wants to be married but wants to

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Speaker 1: be by herself. Don't get that part. I don't know

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Speaker 1: what to say because they don't know how to express

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Speaker 1: how they really feel. I hope this is not the

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Speaker 1: conversations y'all be having back and forth with each other

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Speaker 1: because this is a conundrum here, because I feel like

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Speaker 1: y'all are both just really confused. Listen, this is This

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Speaker 1: to me is very simple. You have to be delivered

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Speaker 1: about wanting to be in a relationship. You can't go

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Speaker 1: into a relationship saying I want to be with you,

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Speaker 1: but I don't want to live together. I want to

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Speaker 1: get a divorce, but I'm looking for a place for

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Speaker 1: us to stay. There's nothing deliberate about that. How do

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Speaker 1: you give someone advice when they don't even know what

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Speaker 1: they want. It almost feels like they're both teetering because

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Speaker 1: I feel like they both really know what they want,

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Speaker 1: but they're afraid to maybe her other feelings. Because maybe

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Speaker 1: he doesn't want to be together, but he's just saying

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna looking for a place so that he feels

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Speaker 1: better about the situation. I don't know. He might not

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Speaker 1: also also be over her bashing him and saying those

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Speaker 1: mean things that she said, so he might still be

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Speaker 1: in a hurt place. Also, she said they've been together

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Speaker 1: since they were nineteen. Okay, you're not the same people

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Speaker 1: as you were when you were nineteen, and maybe you're

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Speaker 1: only together because you feel a safe space being together

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Speaker 1: because you spent all of your adult years together. You

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, There's there's a comfort there because

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Speaker 1: this is all I know. Remember she said he doesn't

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Speaker 1: want to be alone. He's never been alone, So what's

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Speaker 1: comforting for him to deal with this situation because it's

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Speaker 1: what he knows? You know what I'm saying. It's like

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Speaker 1: my grandmother used to say, the devil you know is

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Speaker 1: better than the devil you don't. So it's like, you

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Speaker 1: know what, I'd rather stay with this person, even though

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Speaker 1: I know I don't really like it, but I don't

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Speaker 1: know what I what I don't want absolutely, so I

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Speaker 1: think I think, to be honest, the fact that neither

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Speaker 1: one of them are delivered about being together. It's gonna

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Speaker 1: sound crazy because we never pushed divorce. Maybe you guys

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Speaker 1: should separate more and some more time and give it

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Speaker 1: some time and really until you feel like there's no

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Speaker 1: If butts don't get back together, continue to take your

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Speaker 1: time apart and learn about yourselves, because it seems like

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Speaker 1: neither one of them know about their selves. If they've

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Speaker 1: been together since nineteen and together fourteen years their thirty

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Speaker 1: three and still learning themselves. You can still be learning

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Speaker 1: yourself at thirty three and trying to learn yourself while

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Speaker 1: being of service and someone else is different. It's hard.

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Speaker 1: It's hard trying to grow through those growing pains, especially

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Speaker 1: when you're meeting so young um to kind of objectively

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Speaker 1: know what it is that you may want because you're

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Speaker 1: always considering someone else while you're figuring out what you want.

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Speaker 1: So sis, y'all confused. We confused. However, considering everything that

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Speaker 1: we know, we hope that that little bit of tidbit

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Speaker 1: that we gave you all today helped that maybe you

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Speaker 1: need to take a little bit more time to see

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Speaker 1: exactly what it is that you want because you're conflicted,

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Speaker 1: you said, because you want him to be happy, even

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Speaker 1: if it's not with you, but you on him to

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Speaker 1: be with you. So hey, I'm not wanting to tell

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Speaker 1: nobody to give up on what they really And that's

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Speaker 1: why we couldn't read it, because our brains couldn't even

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Speaker 1: function to see how this makes any sense. He did

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Speaker 1: feel like it was just me because I was like, man,

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Speaker 1: this one here is oh my gosh, my heart hurt.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna trying number two take the rest close your eyes, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: close your eyes, all right, go ahead, Hey Canina devou.

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Speaker 1: First off, I want to tell you guys, I love

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Speaker 1: your podcast. Now it's hard to pinpoint what my question is. Oh,

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Speaker 1: here we go again, but just let me know what

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Speaker 1: you guys think. I'm twenty three years old and my

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Speaker 1: boyfriend is twenty six years old. And I have been

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Speaker 1: with my boyfriend since I was four years old. Man,

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Speaker 1: it's safe to say he was there with me through

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Speaker 1: a period of time when I needed somebody, a friend,

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Speaker 1: an ear to listen to, and someone who cared at thirty. Man,

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Speaker 1: like thirty, that's a lie requirements for fourteen year olds.

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Speaker 1: What we're going? Okay? We now have three kids, y'allways

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Speaker 1: getting to work. Though ten years you all together, y'all

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Speaker 1: was getting it in. We have three kids. Part of

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Speaker 1: me doesn't know if this relationship should have gotten this far. Man.

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Speaker 1: I feel like I overlooked his flaws because I needed someone.

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Speaker 1: He comes from an African family, where they are more

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Speaker 1: aggressive with their tones. We hear that he tends to

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Speaker 1: hurt my feelings a lot, even though I know it's

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Speaker 1: not his intention. Sometimes he isn't as active with our

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Speaker 1: kids as I feel he shouldn't be with him with

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Speaker 1: him being in the same home. Our oldest child is

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Speaker 1: autistic and can be challenging some days, and I feel

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Speaker 1: like he puts himself first. He plays his video games

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Speaker 1: for hours out the days because he's still a child.

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Speaker 1: He's twenty three. He buys weed no matter what our

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Speaker 1: financial circumstances are, and last, but not least, it's safe

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Speaker 1: to say he is a dreamer. He talks a big

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Speaker 1: game of his plans, but things aren't working out and

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Speaker 1: we're struggling. And I literally begged him to get a job,

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Speaker 1: but he is stalling. So how is he bought we

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Speaker 1: if he don't got his job and three kids? Our

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Speaker 1: relationship is getting to the point when I'm starting to

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Speaker 1: lose feeling and get tired of winning for him to

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Speaker 1: grow up. On top of all that, he does not

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Speaker 1: do anything to make me feel special. My Birthday, Valentine's, Christmas,

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Speaker 1: Mother's Day, I never get anything because you don't got

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Speaker 1: nothing except for weed, and I barely get acknowledged. I

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Speaker 1: feel like I'm outgrowing our relationship, but I'm trying my

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Speaker 1: best to hold on so my kids can have a

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Speaker 1: two parent household and I'm also going through p p

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Speaker 1: D when I'm feeling alone. Dang, PPD is postponed the

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Speaker 1: question guys. He constantly asked for us to be intimate.

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Speaker 1: But after everything I put up with, I'm not a

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Speaker 1: trick dude. You play video games all day, you don't

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Speaker 1: take care of your kids, you don't work, or you

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Speaker 1: do a smoke weed, but you're drying smash. That is

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Speaker 1: twenty three. That literally is that was me in college.

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Speaker 1: The thing is we was both broke and with scholarship,

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Speaker 1: so it was fine if I was like that at three,

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Speaker 1: I was playing ball, I was making money. You were

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Speaker 1: pretty responsible for responsible. That was me a nineteen. That

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Speaker 1: was me a nineteen because I didn't have responsibility so

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Speaker 1: I didn't and I couldn't smoke weed because I was

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Speaker 1: playing ball. So this ain't me at all. So I

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Speaker 1: can back to the story. Yes, I have told him

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Speaker 1: all of this, and from time to time he makes

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Speaker 1: little changes and says I'm not working with him because

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Speaker 1: he is trying. I know this is everywhere, but I

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Speaker 1: have so much built up. I cried my heart out

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Speaker 1: about Valentine's to my mama on Valentine's Day because he

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Speaker 1: did nothing when I got my when I give my

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Speaker 1: last to him to make him happy, I feel so unappreciated.

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Speaker 1: Please any advice. She diagnosed the problem though, she said

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Speaker 1: she that this is going too far. But she only

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Speaker 1: stayed with him because he was there, you know, when

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Speaker 1: he was there when she needed him when she was thirteen.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure what she was going through a thirteen,

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Speaker 1: but it seems like he was a crush to make

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Speaker 1: her feel better. He was a friend. He was somebody.

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Speaker 1: Everybody has that life friend at that age where they're

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Speaker 1: just like, yo, this is my homie that grew into

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Speaker 1: my lover and my friends. But it's fair to say

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Speaker 1: that you as might have how grown each other might have.

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Speaker 1: I think I think it's fair to say. But I

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Speaker 1: just I just wonder though, how with three kids is

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Speaker 1: he able to buy weed if you don't work like

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Speaker 1: I just don't understand it. Weed is expensive these days,

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Speaker 1: it is, But I mean, if it's something that you

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Speaker 1: really really want to do, which makes me leads me

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Speaker 1: to say he's making provisions for the things that he

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Speaker 1: really wants, which is the lead. Or he makes the

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Speaker 1: time in the day for playing the video games. People

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Speaker 1: always make time for the things that they want. So

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Speaker 1: do you gotta step up? Bro? Yeah, it's got to

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Speaker 1: do better, bro. And then the whole fact that she's

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Speaker 1: trying to say together for this two parent househole thing.

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Speaker 1: We've said it before and we'll say it again. Kids

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Speaker 1: know when ship is going to ride with their parents,

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Speaker 1: And just for the sake of saying that there's two

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Speaker 1: bodies in the house together does not necessarily mean that

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Speaker 1: it's a healthy environment for the kids. Listen, staying in

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Speaker 1: a toxic to family household is way worse than being

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Speaker 1: a healthy single parent. M That's just the bottom line. Like,

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Speaker 1: and if the thing is it's okay to be a

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Speaker 1: single parent, it's okay to co parents, Like that's okay.

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Speaker 1: We have to normalize not buying into society's ideas of

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Speaker 1: what our perfect life looks like. You know what I'm saying, Like,

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Speaker 1: no one can tell you your life has to look

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Speaker 1: like this to be considered successful or to be considered healthy.

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Speaker 1: You have to do what's healthy for you. And if

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Speaker 1: you know for a fact that this is not healthy

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Speaker 1: for you, you got to make changes. And if you

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Speaker 1: don't make changes, then you're being unfair to yourself and

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Speaker 1: your children. And as you know, it's a thing where

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Speaker 1: I I can attest to this because you never want

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Speaker 1: to make the person who you love, or the person

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Speaker 1: who use your life partner, or the person who is

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Speaker 1: the father or mother of your children feel underappreciated. Like

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Speaker 1: that's probably one of the worst things that people could feel.

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Speaker 1: And I know that I was doing that to you

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Speaker 1: for a long time. You know, you had moments where

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Speaker 1: you felt very unappreciated, and then even recently, because we've

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Speaker 1: always had the conversation about it, more recently, I've been

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Speaker 1: making a conservative effort to make sure that you feel

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Speaker 1: appreciated because you deserve that much. And after a while,

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Speaker 1: I feel like something needs to click in him to say,

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Speaker 1: you know what she deserves to feel better? Well, what

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Speaker 1: about what clicked in you? I think I got tired

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Speaker 1: of you asking for certain things over and over again,

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Speaker 1: and you're feeling like if falling on deaf ears. I

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Speaker 1: also feel like I was better equipped to help you,

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Speaker 1: or help myself to do those things that she wanted

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Speaker 1: more because you also made me feel secure in our

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Speaker 1: in our life. You were providing you know, things that

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Speaker 1: I needed to say. You know what, let me take

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Speaker 1: this off of Cade's plate to make it that much

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Speaker 1: easier for her to be of service to me more.

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Speaker 1: Um So it was kind of like a team effort.

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Speaker 1: It's almost like you've helped to serve me so I

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Speaker 1: could serve you, and it worked out that way. So

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Speaker 1: this may be scary to people, right, but it's honest.

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Speaker 1: We've been married for ten years and eleven it was

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Speaker 1: about to it's about to be about jeez, we've been

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Speaker 1: married mad a long, so it's about to be twelve years.

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Speaker 1: In the eleventh year of marriage, you said you finally

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Speaker 1: realize that thing. I need to do more to show

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Speaker 1: my husband more appreciation, more consistently, more consistently. A lot

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Speaker 1: of people feel like they don't got deaf Tom, Like,

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Speaker 1: that's a fact because we were together eight years before that.

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Speaker 1: So it took you in the nineteenth year as being

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Speaker 1: together to be like, you know, when I really need

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Speaker 1: to do more. That's a large part of why people

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Speaker 1: be leaving, you know what I'm saying. And when you

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Speaker 1: have the patience of a saint, listen, you tell me

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Speaker 1: all you one of your main things is to be patient, right,

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Speaker 1: And I've been saying to You've been asking me to

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Speaker 1: be patient for over a decade is going on two decades,

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Speaker 1: At what point are you going to meet? So? And

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Speaker 1: I say all that to say this, I was patient

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Speaker 1: because I wanted to be with this person. I was deliberate.

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Speaker 1: There was no back and forth, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: It was this is what I want. I just wanted it.

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Speaker 1: I want. I wanted to be with you. I wanted

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Speaker 1: you to want to be with me. I think at

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Speaker 1: any point, if it were I don't really know if

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Speaker 1: I want this, I probably would have been out. And

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Speaker 1: I think that's very telling that you're patient, because nineteen

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Speaker 1: years seems like a long time, but we're only thirty seven,

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Speaker 1: so we still have another forty fifty years of life.

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Speaker 1: And considering the fact that we two were together, you know,

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Speaker 1: fairly young, we spent probably the first at least ten

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Speaker 1: years just still trying to figure out who the hell

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Speaker 1: we were, you know, um so in that part, and

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Speaker 1: then having to grow through all of the different things

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Speaker 1: that we had to go through, you know, being broke,

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Speaker 1: getting money, being broke and all that. It was so

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Speaker 1: hard for me to almost be super giving and appreciative

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Speaker 1: as consistently as I wanted to be, because I was

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Speaker 1: still trying to figure out my damn self, you know,

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Speaker 1: and they're both she said, there's twenty three, like they're

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Speaker 1: still young. You know, you don't have to feel like

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Speaker 1: a failure because everything is not going perfectly now at three.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's what she needs to hear more

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Speaker 1: than anything else. Like all the trials and ship relations

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Speaker 1: you're going through, it doesn't mean that your life is

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00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:52,719
Speaker 1: going to stay that way. Aree. We were living in Michigan.

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Speaker 1: I was playing in the nfl um You had decided

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Speaker 1: at that point that you no longer wanted to be

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Speaker 1: a stay at home girlfriend and a living girlfriend, so

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Speaker 1: you had told me that you were going to move

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Speaker 1: back to New York and leave me in Detroit. That's

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Speaker 1: what we were going through it. We were arguing about

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Speaker 1: the fact that you weren't working, but you were doing

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Speaker 1: a traffic reporter search and you wanted me to take

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00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,040
Speaker 1: you to the most expensive mold to buy design or clothes.

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Speaker 1: So it's like people have their things that they're going

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Speaker 1: through a twenty three. This is your thing. Don't don't

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Speaker 1: feel like you fail, because if you look at us now,

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00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,359
Speaker 1: you're like, then I wish I wish I have with

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00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,399
Speaker 1: Kadein and Devout have now. But you wouldn't have wished

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Speaker 1: that if you just hurt us at three. You know

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00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,320
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, So give yourself some grace and some

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Speaker 1: time to grow. Be patient with him if you feel

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Speaker 1: like he's going to be committed. I felt like Kaden

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Speaker 1: was going to be committed. I just wanted her to

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Speaker 1: figure it out, like I never felt like she was

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Speaker 1: gonna just say fuck it. And part of that's part

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Speaker 1: of the reason why I was patient. I feel like

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00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,280
Speaker 1: you'll get it at some point. So if she feels

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00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:53,760
Speaker 1: like he's gonna get it, then stick with him. If

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00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,399
Speaker 1: you feel like he ain't gonna get this, this deuces

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00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,720
Speaker 1: because you're twenty three and although you've got three kids,

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00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:02,000
Speaker 1: you still while you, yes, well, lots left to live.

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00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:04,560
Speaker 1: This good luck to you, all right. I' gonna take

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Speaker 1: a steven the next one well before, yeah, we should

392
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,080
Speaker 1: do a break. We got to take a break, take

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Speaker 1: a stand before you try to read this next looking.

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Speaker 1: Let you get my mind right island. It might be

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Speaker 1: my lashes today. I don't know what it is, but

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Speaker 1: I y'all we'll be back, all right, now, we're back.

397
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,959
Speaker 1: I had some water to Thailand. All wish me luck y'all.

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00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:35,040
Speaker 1: All right, I've been wanting to write to you all

399
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,440
Speaker 1: for a minute now and finally got the courage. Oh.

400
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Speaker 1: I love that my husband and I have been together

401
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,520
Speaker 1: for five years and married for one year and some change.

402
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,760
Speaker 1: We just moved into our newly built home in July,

403
00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:48,960
Speaker 1: and ever since we moved in, I've expressed to him

404
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,480
Speaker 1: I desire to have our first child. Suit It's the

405
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,479
Speaker 1: start of two and I made it clear to him

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Speaker 1: that I'm really feeling these urges to have a baby

407
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,399
Speaker 1: and it's really something that I want soon. We had

408
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,280
Speaker 1: planned to try for a baby at the start of three,

409
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,800
Speaker 1: and he says he's not ready for a child right

410
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,320
Speaker 1: now and he just wants to enjoy married life. We

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00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,800
Speaker 1: both work from home and from two thirty pm to

412
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,520
Speaker 1: bedtime we just watched TV and he plays his video games,

413
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:16,160
Speaker 1: hanging out with family on the weekends. In my urgency,

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Speaker 1: he's willing to push us to try to conceive in

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Speaker 1: June of two. Now. I'm a type of personality and

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00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,920
Speaker 1: really big on planning. I've already read all the pre

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00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,720
Speaker 1: pregnancy books and have been getting in shape and taking

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00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:32,000
Speaker 1: the supplements to optimize fertility. I've been watching all the

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00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,480
Speaker 1: YouTube videos and do this openly in front of him

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00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:38,119
Speaker 1: so he knows that I'm doing my research. If I

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00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:42,320
Speaker 1: even bought him a Plan for Pregnancy Dad book, which

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00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:46,840
Speaker 1: he reads. Now here's the issue. We usually use the

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00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:49,760
Speaker 1: pull out method when we're intimate, but as of late,

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00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:59,359
Speaker 1: he started using con that's funny condemns every time we

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00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,720
Speaker 1: have eggs. This really hurts my feelings and makes me

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00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:07,560
Speaker 1: feel that he is not interested in having a child.

427
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Speaker 1: Oh my god, how can I deal with my feelings

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00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:14,200
Speaker 1: of not only rejection when he decides to use a condom,

429
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:18,000
Speaker 1: but also us being on two completely different timelines. I

430
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,800
Speaker 1: don't want to pressure him into this too late, but

431
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,159
Speaker 1: I also want him to want a child as much

432
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,879
Speaker 1: as I do. Any ideas on how to make him

433
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,159
Speaker 1: more ready p s. None of our friends and family

434
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:31,440
Speaker 1: our age have kids. For us to speak with your

435
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:35,800
Speaker 1: boy reser worded to condu if de val ever pulled

436
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,760
Speaker 1: out a cond of when we were trying to have

437
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:41,080
Speaker 1: kids or not trying to have kids, regardless of the situation,

438
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,080
Speaker 1: That almost sounds like he feels like it's a desperate time,

439
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:48,119
Speaker 1: desperate measures kind of situation. I can only imagine like

440
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,960
Speaker 1: for years you're not using color, using to pull out,

441
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,960
Speaker 1: and then just randomly he's just like wait, wait, wait

442
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,080
Speaker 1: that had to be. I don't mean to laugh at

443
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:04,080
Speaker 1: your situation, but that moment that yes, that's TV, that's

444
00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:06,399
Speaker 1: but yeah, that was like a whole sitcom for sure.

445
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,639
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like you've made it overtly clear

446
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:12,119
Speaker 1: to him that you're ready, um, and you're saying that

447
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,879
Speaker 1: you don't want to pressure him into this, but you

448
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,320
Speaker 1: kind of are pressuring him into it. Um. I'm wondering

449
00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:19,800
Speaker 1: if there's a specific timeline that you're on for a

450
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,600
Speaker 1: specific reason, because I know you said that you guys

451
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,200
Speaker 1: planned at the start of and maybe his mind is

452
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,000
Speaker 1: in and you guys aren't quite there yet. But now

453
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,800
Speaker 1: you're feeling like, okay, you have the house, so you're

454
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,639
Speaker 1: ready to get started. So that would probably be my

455
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:34,440
Speaker 1: follow up question to you, like, is there a particular

456
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:39,000
Speaker 1: reason why you're on this timeframe or not? Um, that's

457
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,040
Speaker 1: something that's that's difficult, that's difficult to navigate by. What

458
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,399
Speaker 1: would you do if you were him or if you

459
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,040
Speaker 1: were her and you really wanted the baby, but I

460
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:54,560
Speaker 1: wasn't ready to be honest, I'm like, Okay, I understand

461
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:59,840
Speaker 1: where she's coming from, mainly because women have a bio

462
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,560
Speaker 1: logical clock which is very real, like Codeine and I

463
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,840
Speaker 1: have learned after having these four kids. When you have

464
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,680
Speaker 1: a baby at seven, it is way different than having

465
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:11,120
Speaker 1: a baby at thirty seven. Body just responds differently. So

466
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:14,760
Speaker 1: the need for women feel to say, hey, I want

467
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,560
Speaker 1: to have this while I'm in my preak, my peak

468
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:20,399
Speaker 1: physical shape is very real, right, But I also understand

469
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,680
Speaker 1: where how he may feel where it's like, I want

470
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:26,440
Speaker 1: to enjoy married life. Like I remember before we had kids,

471
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,160
Speaker 1: it was you go out doing the day, you do something,

472
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:32,520
Speaker 1: you come back at two thirds like she said, they

473
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,640
Speaker 1: worked from home. We've done in two thirtyes. You got

474
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:40,760
Speaker 1: time to fuck, eat food, watch movie again, ye enjoy

475
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:45,560
Speaker 1: your life again, read a book. When you have kids,

476
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,680
Speaker 1: all that time is gone. And she said that they're

477
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,680
Speaker 1: newly married. Well, they're newly married. They've been together five years,

478
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,439
Speaker 1: married a year married year, just got a house. Like

479
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,760
Speaker 1: he wants to enjoy that because once that baby comes,

480
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,000
Speaker 1: first you have a full year of being pregnant, right,

481
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,720
Speaker 1: ten months to be pregnant. Then the baby comes, so

482
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,840
Speaker 1: you have a full year of your wife recovering back

483
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,600
Speaker 1: from just having a baby. Then after that year, now

484
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,840
Speaker 1: your baby is one, so now you have to be

485
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,000
Speaker 1: a parent, Like you don't really get to have your

486
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,439
Speaker 1: spouse the way you had your spouse. You know what

487
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,159
Speaker 1: you think of too. We were just having a conversation

488
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:27,359
Speaker 1: with a set of friends about having control over your life,

489
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:32,560
Speaker 1: having control over your time, and how children are a

490
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,760
Speaker 1: short fire way for you to just lose control of

491
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:38,199
Speaker 1: all that. And some people who may have um the

492
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,800
Speaker 1: desire for that control over their life and their time

493
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,880
Speaker 1: and that autonomy, they feel like children trip them of that,

494
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:47,560
Speaker 1: and that could be very and it's it's true, and

495
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,720
Speaker 1: that can be very very like, you know, discerning for

496
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,919
Speaker 1: people if you're thinking about adding a child to a relationship.

497
00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 1: This is why it's important to be prepared or want

498
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:59,879
Speaker 1: to have kids. I never felt like my kids was

499
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,520
Speaker 1: tripping me of my time and autonomy because I always

500
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,879
Speaker 1: wanted to have kids. So part of my autonomy was

501
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,919
Speaker 1: choosing to want to have kids. If you're not in

502
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:11,840
Speaker 1: that place where you want to have children, but your

503
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,119
Speaker 1: spouse wants to have children, that you decide to have children,

504
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,840
Speaker 1: you're always going to feel a little bit like day

505
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:20,960
Speaker 1: I wanted to play video games, but and that's that's

506
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,199
Speaker 1: a selfish thought. But it's your life. But you can

507
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,200
Speaker 1: I can also see a thing where it's just like them,

508
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,359
Speaker 1: Like now you deal with the baby and the baby

509
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:28,879
Speaker 1: that's crying at night, because I know what it's like

510
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,480
Speaker 1: having a baby and then having those fourth trimester blue

511
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:36,120
Speaker 1: or that four fourth trimester postpartum depression. And if he's

512
00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 1: not in the frame of mind to want to have

513
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,639
Speaker 1: to help you out during that situation, you could be

514
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,000
Speaker 1: very lonely and be like, you know what, you deal

515
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:44,879
Speaker 1: with this crying baby at night because you wanted to

516
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:46,960
Speaker 1: have this baby now not me. Well, that's that's nothing

517
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:49,879
Speaker 1: I want to say. She said that they agreed to

518
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:53,159
Speaker 1: have the baby, but now she wants to move it

519
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:56,159
Speaker 1: up a year, right, like when we make if we

520
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,600
Speaker 1: make an agreement, right, and and here's another thing that

521
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,320
Speaker 1: women need to understand too. We make an agreement we're

522
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 1: going to do things on this time, then you become

523
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:06,840
Speaker 1: passive aggressive and start reading books out loud because you

524
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:08,639
Speaker 1: want me to hear it, and then giving me books

525
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:10,720
Speaker 1: to read. I'm gonna put a condomore. You want to

526
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:14,080
Speaker 1: be passive aggressive. I'm going to be passive and it's

527
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,680
Speaker 1: it's mad, petty and immature and the passive aggressive. This

528
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,399
Speaker 1: is definitely your move. The dean wanted to get engaged,

529
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,359
Speaker 1: so she took pictures of rings and put them on

530
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:26,160
Speaker 1: the refrigerator. When I said I felt pressure to get married,

531
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:31,280
Speaker 1: she got upset. Make that makes sense, see what I'm saying,

532
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:33,640
Speaker 1: like like, and this is what people need to realize.

533
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,720
Speaker 1: You can tell people what you need and what you want.

534
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,400
Speaker 1: But if we agree to something and then you passive

535
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:42,800
Speaker 1: aggressively tell me the same thing over and over again

536
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,200
Speaker 1: after we agreed to it, it's pressure number one, but

537
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,359
Speaker 1: number two, you're gonna get that passive aggressiveness back. So

538
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,000
Speaker 1: I think what I think the best thing for them

539
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:55,160
Speaker 1: to do is have a conversation. It always goes back

540
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,520
Speaker 1: to having conversations, right, But also, you should honor what

541
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:03,800
Speaker 1: you said you should like if we agreed to let's

542
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:08,159
Speaker 1: enjoy this time for a year and then start to

543
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 1: the price of having a baby, but don't spend all

544
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:15,440
Speaker 1: of twenty two. It's fucking Janguary no February, So you're

545
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:19,119
Speaker 1: gonna be passive aggressive for the next eleven months. It's like,

546
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,960
Speaker 1: you know it's coming. So it's not convincing him to

547
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:22,600
Speaker 1: have a baby, it's just the time frame. So it's

548
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:29,439
Speaker 1: gonna come. I say, enjoy this summer, enjoy gonna have

549
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:32,359
Speaker 1: this again, think about you. Enjoy it because and then

550
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 1: we all were dealing with COVID for the past couple

551
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,320
Speaker 1: of years too. He might want, like a for full

552
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:39,040
Speaker 1: year to just kind of chill out and just enjoy

553
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:42,240
Speaker 1: each other. And understand this, Once you have a baby,

554
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:44,720
Speaker 1: you don't get your life back until that child is

555
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 1: graduated from college. That's the truth. So now, once you

556
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,200
Speaker 1: commit to having a baby, you have at least twenty

557
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:55,120
Speaker 1: two maybe twenty three years to be involved as much

558
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,200
Speaker 1: as you can for that person. So when your wife

559
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,520
Speaker 1: or your your husband, the person that you're married to,

560
00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:03,240
Speaker 1: you met them at twenty two, that is forty four,

561
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,840
Speaker 1: that's not the same person. Let's enjoy these moments. Let's

562
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,199
Speaker 1: not rush. It would be different if he says he

563
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,200
Speaker 1: doesn't know if you want to have a baby, because

564
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:15,760
Speaker 1: now you're in limbo. You're not a limbo. He we

565
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,480
Speaker 1: made a compromise. Don't mess up the compromise by being

566
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:21,399
Speaker 1: passive aggressive, messed up and I mean, I applaud you

567
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:23,120
Speaker 1: for doing your research and making sure that you're taking

568
00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:24,560
Speaker 1: your prenatals and doing what you have to do to

569
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:26,359
Speaker 1: prepare your body and being in shape like those are

570
00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:29,000
Speaker 1: all RESPONSI absolutely to do as you prepare for it.

571
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:30,879
Speaker 1: And I mean also to some people don't even know

572
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:33,120
Speaker 1: how quickly they'll be able to conceive, because some people

573
00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:34,679
Speaker 1: think it may happen right away and it takes a

574
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:36,320
Speaker 1: little bit of time. I don't know if that's a

575
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:39,280
Speaker 1: concern of hers or not, um, but yeah, I think

576
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:40,960
Speaker 1: you guys should definitely be on the same page to

577
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,959
Speaker 1: avoid any resentment that may happen later on. All right,

578
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:45,960
Speaker 1: good luck to y'all. I'm sending your baby dust I

579
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:51,160
Speaker 1: don't know if I just send it, send you the

580
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:54,240
Speaker 1: baby dusts. Don't be don't be playing with them over there,

581
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 1: sending it all to you. Awesome, we're gonna be playing

582
00:28:57,080 --> 00:29:01,600
Speaker 1: with them alright. So number the number four. I think

583
00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:05,920
Speaker 1: they have a fourth one, yes, number four. Hey, y'all,

584
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:07,880
Speaker 1: I've been listening to the podcast for a while now,

585
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 1: and I never thought I would have ever had to

586
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 1: send this email. I'm twenty four and I've been with

587
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,480
Speaker 1: my best friend for five years and we got married

588
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,840
Speaker 1: three years ago. So they got married at twenty one.

589
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,720
Speaker 1: They've been together since nineteen got you about a year

590
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 1: and a half int our relationship. I moved overseas to

591
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,120
Speaker 1: go to school. I would visit home as often as

592
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,280
Speaker 1: I can. We got married with hopes that this long

593
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:29,440
Speaker 1: distant situation would be worked out. But there how But

594
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:32,200
Speaker 1: here we are, almost four years later. I recently met

595
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:34,680
Speaker 1: a guy at school, and I really think I'm falling

596
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 1: from I do believe that all this time away from

597
00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,800
Speaker 1: my husband is pulling us apart. I love him so

598
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:42,960
Speaker 1: so much, he is my best friend. I don't ever

599
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,640
Speaker 1: want to hurt him. I am afraid that if we

600
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,960
Speaker 1: don't work out this living situation soon, our marriage is

601
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 1: going to completely fall apart. Any advice, What can I

602
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:53,360
Speaker 1: do to save my marriage? Number? One? Not falling in

603
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:59,200
Speaker 1: love with somebody? This is what I think. I think

604
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,200
Speaker 1: they were young. You won a way to get to school.

605
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,760
Speaker 1: They got married as a way, as like a romantic willing.

606
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:06,760
Speaker 1: I'm about to leave, let's get let's get married. That's

607
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:10,360
Speaker 1: what it seems like. But um, you learn throughout time

608
00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:15,760
Speaker 1: compatibility and you got married not knowing if you guys

609
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 1: are truly compatible, you know what I'm saying, Because it's

610
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:22,080
Speaker 1: just the distance too, like they're in a long distance situation. Well,

611
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:24,760
Speaker 1: they do say distance makes the heart grow fonder, or

612
00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:27,680
Speaker 1: you are willing to work, you know what I'm saying

613
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:30,360
Speaker 1: for it, or distance make you fall in love with

614
00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:32,760
Speaker 1: somebody else, that part exactly, and it just it could

615
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:34,960
Speaker 1: just be proximity that the other guy is closer, so

616
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 1: you're spending more time with people, people grow on you. Um,

617
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:43,280
Speaker 1: that's also a possibility as well. So what can you

618
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:44,960
Speaker 1: do to save your marriage? I mean, if the ball

619
00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:46,600
Speaker 1: is in your court, then you may have to severed

620
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:49,560
Speaker 1: ties with this guy that you're falling for. If it's

621
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,880
Speaker 1: something that you are deliberate about. I think in this

622
00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,959
Speaker 1: whole situation, the thing that that is the overarching topic

623
00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:57,760
Speaker 1: for me is deliberate. You have to be deliberate about

624
00:30:57,800 --> 00:30:59,760
Speaker 1: whatever it is that you're trying to do. Is it

625
00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:02,880
Speaker 1: going to be saving your marriage or canoodling with homeboy?

626
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:06,880
Speaker 1: Where you're at right now? I think distance sucks. I

627
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:08,920
Speaker 1: hate him. When we were apart, we hated it, but

628
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:12,200
Speaker 1: we made provisions to be together and we went in

629
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 1: hating it. We were also too very like could not

630
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:17,560
Speaker 1: wait to see each other the next time. Like every

631
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:19,560
Speaker 1: time I was at the airport about to leave Devout

632
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:24,200
Speaker 1: at the Detroit airport, it was like gut wrenching it um,

633
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 1: you know, having to leave each other. But then the

634
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:27,320
Speaker 1: minute I got back to New York, it was like

635
00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:29,760
Speaker 1: counting down the days to see him again. And we

636
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:31,360
Speaker 1: had some of the best times, I feel like in

637
00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:34,480
Speaker 1: that moment because we were always having the desire to

638
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:36,440
Speaker 1: be together, so when we were together, those moments that

639
00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:39,320
Speaker 1: we were together, they really counted like and they were good,

640
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:42,560
Speaker 1: they were really really good. I just I hate to

641
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:46,600
Speaker 1: hear when people choose marriage as a solution to solve

642
00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 1: a problem. Marriage can never be a solution to a problem.

643
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:53,600
Speaker 1: Oh we're you know, we're having a baby. I don't

644
00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:55,400
Speaker 1: know if we should be together. So we got married.

645
00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:58,160
Speaker 1: Oh we're moving apart to go places, so we got married.

646
00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:00,600
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. It's like, mary should never

647
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,200
Speaker 1: be a solution to a problem. You should be wanting

648
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:06,640
Speaker 1: to get married and find solutions to your marriage through

649
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:09,040
Speaker 1: the marriage, but it should never be the solution. And

650
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,320
Speaker 1: I think that's the mistake they made. You don't just

651
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,080
Speaker 1: run in and say we're gonna get married because that's

652
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:14,880
Speaker 1: gonna make us feel because that's that's what happens when

653
00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:18,680
Speaker 1: you're young. It does. Let's get married because we're about

654
00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:21,160
Speaker 1: to be apart. Don't want to be your wife, want

655
00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:24,480
Speaker 1: to be your husband. And that's what people think. People

656
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:26,920
Speaker 1: think that once I get married, this person is going

657
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:30,240
Speaker 1: to honor that more because we have the certificate of

658
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:32,640
Speaker 1: this paper. The true honor in your marriage comes from

659
00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:35,480
Speaker 1: your heart. It comes from within. Like a judge can't

660
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:38,360
Speaker 1: make you honor someone you know, a pastor can't make

661
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,800
Speaker 1: you honor someone. It has to come from within. So

662
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 1: if you feel like just getting a paper is gonna

663
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:46,720
Speaker 1: make you be honorable or be honored by your spouse,

664
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 1: then you're you're wrong. So I think that, um, the

665
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:52,200
Speaker 1: first mistake was getting married. As a solution, I think

666
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:56,040
Speaker 1: that they should continue to talk. But um, it's gonna

667
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:59,480
Speaker 1: sound crazy if if she can't come back to the

668
00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:02,360
Speaker 1: States and he can't go over there where she is

669
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:04,960
Speaker 1: for them to be together, and she's falling for someone else,

670
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,640
Speaker 1: they might need to explore some time apart to see

671
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:13,960
Speaker 1: if this is really where they want to be. One bet,

672
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,480
Speaker 1: what if he's falling somebody for somebody where he's at,

673
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:20,280
Speaker 1: he probably is. So if he is and she is,

674
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:26,480
Speaker 1: I mean they're young. I'm pretty sure, and I could

675
00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 1: be wrong, but I'm pretty sure twenty four year old

676
00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:31,240
Speaker 1: man is not sitting at home twiddling his thumbs just

677
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,080
Speaker 1: wondering where his wife is or what she's doing, you know.

678
00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,400
Speaker 1: And if she has time to fall in love with

679
00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:40,960
Speaker 1: someone else, it's because he's not spending that time with her,

680
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:43,880
Speaker 1: which means he may be spending time with some somebody else.

681
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:45,960
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Because when we were when

682
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,640
Speaker 1: we were apart, we spent as much time as we

683
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:53,360
Speaker 1: could together on the phone, so there really was no

684
00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:55,520
Speaker 1: time to fall in love with someone else. If I

685
00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:57,760
Speaker 1: wasn't working, I was on the phone with you. If

686
00:33:57,760 --> 00:33:59,560
Speaker 1: you weren't working or doing your al ray stuff, you

687
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:01,720
Speaker 1: on the phone with me. This is pre phacetime and

688
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,800
Speaker 1: all y'all. Yes, so there's a lot of opportunities they have,

689
00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:09,160
Speaker 1: and you know, hopefully they utilize it. But mm hmm, alright, girl,

690
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:11,279
Speaker 1: it looks like the powers in your hands. That's how

691
00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:14,560
Speaker 1: you can save your marriage, yes, ma'am. All right, well, look,

692
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:19,120
Speaker 1: let's take another quick break. We have two more listener letters, Um,

693
00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:22,920
Speaker 1: too long listening less Dane, this is a novel, but

694
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:25,919
Speaker 1: we appreciate you guys. We wanna take a quick break,

695
00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:37,359
Speaker 1: pay some bills, and we'll be like that. All right,

696
00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:40,319
Speaker 1: and we're back for our final two listener letters for

697
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:43,720
Speaker 1: this segment. I'm new to your show, but not new

698
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:46,719
Speaker 1: to you too as entertainers. I love and appreciate your

699
00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:49,560
Speaker 1: content so much. First and foremost, thank you. A little backstory.

700
00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:52,920
Speaker 1: I'm a young black man approaching thirty and my lady

701
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,280
Speaker 1: is a few years younger than me, five to be exact,

702
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:57,480
Speaker 1: but she's a fan of y'all, So in case she's listening,

703
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,759
Speaker 1: I'm trying to be discreet. You feel me. We got you, bro,

704
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,800
Speaker 1: because secret safe with us. We've been together as boyfriend

705
00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:06,320
Speaker 1: and girlfriend for almost five years and have been living

706
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:08,879
Speaker 1: together close to the time frame of us actually being

707
00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,799
Speaker 1: together in a relationship. We look at each other as

708
00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:14,240
Speaker 1: domestic partners at this point, but I plan to propose

709
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,719
Speaker 1: very soon, hopefully this year. Unfortunately, this is my first

710
00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:20,799
Speaker 1: serious relationship and it's been a challenge to deal with

711
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:24,319
Speaker 1: my emotions, her emotions, her dealing with me growing as

712
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:27,280
Speaker 1: a man, et cetera. We have arguments like any other couple,

713
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,799
Speaker 1: But I feel like I'm not good enough for her

714
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 1: at times because I get silent when she becomes frustrated

715
00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:36,680
Speaker 1: with me. She then gets silent on me and I

716
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:39,040
Speaker 1: just have to wait until she's ready to talk, leaving

717
00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:41,600
Speaker 1: me feeling sick to my stomach all day. That sounds

718
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:45,759
Speaker 1: like me, uh huh. I feel that I'm being that

719
00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,640
Speaker 1: me that being from the South and being raised in

720
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:50,920
Speaker 1: the church is different from her who has roots from

721
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:55,040
Speaker 1: up north the Bronx specifically. We won't hold that against her,

722
00:35:55,719 --> 00:35:59,120
Speaker 1: Brooklyn baby um, but I'm having difficulty trying to be

723
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:02,080
Speaker 1: more assertive for her like she wants. The thing is,

724
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:06,239
Speaker 1: she's a little rougher for me right to deal with

725
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:09,040
Speaker 1: in her assertion, and I'm trying to work through it

726
00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:12,359
Speaker 1: the best way I can. Question how can I work

727
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:15,400
Speaker 1: on being more assertive for her despite our different upbringings,

728
00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:18,240
Speaker 1: And how can I work on fixing issues right away

729
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:21,640
Speaker 1: versus taking too long and waiting things out assertive and

730
00:36:21,719 --> 00:36:26,880
Speaker 1: fixing my mistakes, having honest conversations, et cetera. I'm wanting

731
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:30,319
Speaker 1: to have honest conversations to be established before we have

732
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:33,480
Speaker 1: a family and move forward. Love from Atlanta, Peace King

733
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:36,640
Speaker 1: and Queen. Oh he sounds like a sweet doesn't like

734
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:39,080
Speaker 1: a sweet guy he's dealing with a New York chick

735
00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:43,760
Speaker 1: from Yeah, Okay, that's that's hard. Yeah. I think our approach.

736
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:45,840
Speaker 1: I think that's why you and I whenever we have

737
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:47,960
Speaker 1: our discussions and stuff like that. It's funny when I

738
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:51,400
Speaker 1: when Davela I met, and of course as we continue

739
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:54,000
Speaker 1: to grow in our relationship, he was also very vocal,

740
00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 1: and that was a part of our upbringing. It was

741
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:57,560
Speaker 1: just you were always vocal about how you felt and

742
00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:00,960
Speaker 1: your feelings. Me, it was never really spoken about or

743
00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:03,040
Speaker 1: encouraged in my house. So I kind of took the

744
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:05,640
Speaker 1: back seat and was more quiet. But I can relate

745
00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:08,120
Speaker 1: to him and that I get this not so good feeling,

746
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:10,480
Speaker 1: like I almost feel physically ill whenever we're not on

747
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:12,840
Speaker 1: the same page because it just makes me feel like

748
00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:14,360
Speaker 1: I need to be right and that means that it

749
00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:17,160
Speaker 1: matters to you, which is a good thing. Um. So

750
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:20,240
Speaker 1: upbringing definitely has a lot to do with the way

751
00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:24,959
Speaker 1: people communicate. So I think what happened with me because

752
00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:29,360
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm more like him. I eventually learned

753
00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:31,960
Speaker 1: to assert myself more and now it's a thing where

754
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:34,520
Speaker 1: DEVO can't get me to shut up in conversations because

755
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:37,120
Speaker 1: I've always having something to say. But I think it

756
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,319
Speaker 1: was necessary to get that pulled out of me for

757
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:41,440
Speaker 1: us to reach some sort of understanding when it came

758
00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:44,200
Speaker 1: to various topics facts. The thing is, you hate when

759
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:49,160
Speaker 1: I pull out, So um, I couldn't let that, right,

760
00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:54,319
Speaker 1: But um no, I I agree with you. Like they're

761
00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:58,719
Speaker 1: just two different types of people. They're going to learn

762
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:01,759
Speaker 1: each other, right, we we learned each other if they're

763
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:04,680
Speaker 1: both deliberate about learning how they communicate. Right. But this

764
00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:06,960
Speaker 1: is one thing I did. I did learn over time,

765
00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:11,080
Speaker 1: dealing with stuff transparently and in real time is important.

766
00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:14,279
Speaker 1: When you sit quiet and let things fester. Um, the

767
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 1: root problem then becomes the secondary issue. That the then

768
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:21,520
Speaker 1: major problem is the fact that y'all didn't communicate problemly.

769
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:23,960
Speaker 1: And now you're no longer working on the root problem,

770
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:27,359
Speaker 1: you're working on your communication constantly. So what I've done,

771
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:31,280
Speaker 1: and like I said, this is not a quick fix

772
00:38:31,320 --> 00:38:33,040
Speaker 1: to how you handle the situation. But this is what

773
00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 1: I've learned, right. Codeine used to always shut down, be quiet,

774
00:38:36,600 --> 00:38:39,000
Speaker 1: and I used to get exhausted trying to pull stuff

775
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:44,200
Speaker 1: out of her that I used to just give up. Right,

776
00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:46,680
Speaker 1: But then we would spend hours and hours and hours

777
00:38:46,719 --> 00:38:49,200
Speaker 1: not talking. I noticed she'd always be sick. She'd be

778
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:51,239
Speaker 1: running into the bathroom. I'll be asking what's wrong with you,

779
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:53,080
Speaker 1: and she said nothing, I just don't feel well. So

780
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:55,600
Speaker 1: now what I do is I will hammer away at

781
00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:58,200
Speaker 1: what the issue is until we get to the problem.

782
00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:00,120
Speaker 1: Because either way, she's going to be sick and are

783
00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:01,920
Speaker 1: not gonna be able to enjoy the time. So at

784
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:04,279
Speaker 1: least the time that we're not enjoying, we're going to

785
00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:09,000
Speaker 1: not enjoy while we dissect and be productive. Right. That's

786
00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:12,279
Speaker 1: ultimately what they're saying, not really focusing on the delivery

787
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:17,400
Speaker 1: of what's being said, but actually the issue, right, because

788
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:21,440
Speaker 1: people get so focused on delivery that they are ignoring

789
00:39:21,719 --> 00:39:25,239
Speaker 1: the problem. People communicate differently. Now, I'm not saying to

790
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:29,520
Speaker 1: accept being disrespected or to be disrespectful to someone, but

791
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:32,359
Speaker 1: you know your girl is from the Bronx. Right. One

792
00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:35,120
Speaker 1: of the first experiences I ever had with a chick

793
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:37,279
Speaker 1: from the Bronx from the Bronx, Right, I was at

794
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,239
Speaker 1: a party I was in high school. Chick from the

795
00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:40,759
Speaker 1: Bronx woked up to me and said, with something my

796
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:44,400
Speaker 1: niggle stuff with that dick, you got to clap these cheeks.

797
00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:48,960
Speaker 1: I swear they they're a different types of aggressive from

798
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,279
Speaker 1: the Bronx. Like Bronx chicks are very very thig about

799
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:55,319
Speaker 1: Cardi b She's she's different, right, So if you fell

800
00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:57,480
Speaker 1: in love with this person who's aggressive like that, when

801
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,160
Speaker 1: it's time to communicate, you can't then say, term off

802
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:02,799
Speaker 1: the aggressiveness to meet me where I am. She may

803
00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:04,880
Speaker 1: be aggressive, you know she's aggressive, but you know she

804
00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:09,840
Speaker 1: loves you, right, Listen to passionate like the chick was

805
00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 1: passionate about this dick and her cheeks. So what you

806
00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:18,600
Speaker 1: have to do is learn to listen to what she's

807
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:21,400
Speaker 1: saying and don't be judgmental about how she's saying it.

808
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:25,120
Speaker 1: And that goes for everybody, Like, stop being judgmental about

809
00:40:25,239 --> 00:40:27,920
Speaker 1: how your partner says stuff. Try to listen to what

810
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:30,560
Speaker 1: they're saying so that you can kind of get where

811
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:32,600
Speaker 1: they're coming from. You don't have to agree with it,

812
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:34,759
Speaker 1: but you can understand where they're coming from if you're

813
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:41,440
Speaker 1: not being too busy judging how she says it. Year

814
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:43,960
Speaker 1: just like how I said it in the word that

815
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:46,200
Speaker 1: was using DeVos like, let me find a different word

816
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:49,719
Speaker 1: to say that that's your thing not words. Words have

817
00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:52,839
Speaker 1: power and words have meaning. So be specific with your

818
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:54,919
Speaker 1: word and be very purposeful and deliberate because I will

819
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:59,200
Speaker 1: pick it apart. That's very true. But don't be nitpicky

820
00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:02,760
Speaker 1: because you don't want to. You don't want to concede

821
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:05,319
Speaker 1: your point. So rather than trying to listen to where

822
00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:07,600
Speaker 1: your partners coming from, U nitpick at every word they

823
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:11,360
Speaker 1: say to try to discredit what they're saying. For example,

824
00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:14,720
Speaker 1: Kadinian and I had an argument about when we were

825
00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:17,840
Speaker 1: when we were arguing in the back room, what was

826
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:21,520
Speaker 1: that about? Something about about something? But in any event, say,

827
00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:24,040
Speaker 1: for example, the word was late and I'd be like,

828
00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:25,719
Speaker 1: you know, you were late, and She's like, I wasn't late.

829
00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:29,359
Speaker 1: I just wasn't on time. Now, my cadem that means

830
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:30,960
Speaker 1: you were late. No, I wasn't late, de val, I

831
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:33,520
Speaker 1: wasn't on time. There's a difference in late and not

832
00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:36,520
Speaker 1: on time. And I used to be like, are you listening? Okay,

833
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:38,560
Speaker 1: so you choose the word you want me to use.

834
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:41,399
Speaker 1: That's gonna make you feel better about not being on time?

835
00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:46,840
Speaker 1: See with you see what I'm saying. We spent hours

836
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:50,719
Speaker 1: arguing about the difference between late and the late rather

837
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:55,719
Speaker 1: than addressing the route. Probably don't right, and we weren't productive,

838
00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:57,839
Speaker 1: Like we just weren't productive. So what happened? We ended

839
00:41:57,880 --> 00:42:01,320
Speaker 1: up arguing right losing sleep. She woke up not feeling

840
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:02,960
Speaker 1: well because she knew that I was upset at her.

841
00:42:03,360 --> 00:42:05,120
Speaker 1: I was being petting and being like, fine, so if

842
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:06,640
Speaker 1: if we're not gonna use the word late, and we

843
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:07,960
Speaker 1: got to use the lade, I don't want to use

844
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:10,760
Speaker 1: that word, so we're not talking in turn. I'm feeling

845
00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:13,440
Speaker 1: not sick because I don't physically get nauseous, but I'm

846
00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:15,880
Speaker 1: feeling like annoyed all day because I want my wife.

847
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:18,120
Speaker 1: I want my wife, this is my best friend. I

848
00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:20,640
Speaker 1: don't want to argue. I wonder I'm gonna play around.

849
00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:21,840
Speaker 1: I want to have a good time. I want to

850
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,360
Speaker 1: enjoy life. I don't want there to be constant tension.

851
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:27,640
Speaker 1: And and for us, what we learned in these arguments

852
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:30,520
Speaker 1: or discussions, because we no longer call them arguments, right,

853
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:33,640
Speaker 1: this is another thing we say just because I disagree

854
00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:35,520
Speaker 1: with something that you said or done doesn't mean that

855
00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:37,839
Speaker 1: we have to argue about it. We can discuss it

856
00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:39,920
Speaker 1: and find a way to make it make sense to

857
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:42,600
Speaker 1: both of us, so it's no longer just arguing. We

858
00:42:42,719 --> 00:42:45,839
Speaker 1: have discussions. In those discussions, we find ways to be

859
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:50,080
Speaker 1: productive and move forward as opposed to nit picking each

860
00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:53,279
Speaker 1: other apart, so that we can just be right. You

861
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:58,080
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, actually getting to the route. Oh well,

862
00:42:58,120 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 1: good luck. I always love with you guys writing. I

863
00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:01,920
Speaker 1: always that because it's nice to hear guys writing in

864
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:05,640
Speaker 1: and and all that stuff. And let me explain to

865
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:09,960
Speaker 1: you something about up North women, right, not just the Bronx.

866
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,799
Speaker 1: Because my wife is from Brooklyn, she can be very

867
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:15,719
Speaker 1: hard at times as well. My mom is from Brooklyn,

868
00:43:16,120 --> 00:43:18,040
Speaker 1: grew up in a project. She can be very hard

869
00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:22,440
Speaker 1: at times. Women from up North tend to be that

870
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:25,879
Speaker 1: way because of the way their approach their entire life. Right,

871
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:29,160
Speaker 1: you walk down, you're a pretty girl, dudes to grab

872
00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:31,080
Speaker 1: your risk with up ma. Let me high light you.

873
00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:33,640
Speaker 1: So that aggression comes from somewhere. So it's not like

874
00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:36,359
Speaker 1: she's just aggressive for no reason. It's aggressive because that's

875
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:39,560
Speaker 1: the environment she existing. But women like that who choose

876
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:43,320
Speaker 1: someone typically are the some of the most loyal people.

877
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:46,160
Speaker 1: I know you know what I'm saying, Like, my mom

878
00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:49,879
Speaker 1: is super loyal, you are super loyal. I mean you're looking.

879
00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:51,960
Speaker 1: I mentioned Cardi B. But if you look at Cardi B,

880
00:43:52,120 --> 00:43:55,600
Speaker 1: she's extremely loyal, you know. So it's like women like

881
00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:57,720
Speaker 1: that are hard and I think a lot of times

882
00:43:57,719 --> 00:44:00,600
Speaker 1: that's a defense mechanism to protect their hearts, have soft,

883
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:04,319
Speaker 1: beating hearts. And you're still very feminine, soft women. But

884
00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:07,480
Speaker 1: that hardness is a way to protect yourself from all

885
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:10,719
Speaker 1: of the hardness that's coming at you. So if you know, yeah,

886
00:44:10,760 --> 00:44:12,719
Speaker 1: so if you know that about your girl, embraced that,

887
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:14,319
Speaker 1: I know that it's going to be beautiful if you

888
00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:16,839
Speaker 1: can learn how to push me aside how she says

889
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:19,719
Speaker 1: that it attracted you this far bro, so hey, let

890
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:21,680
Speaker 1: it rock. Now. Sure he didn't attract me when she

891
00:44:21,719 --> 00:44:24,839
Speaker 1: approached me like that, but if she looked like you,

892
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:31,360
Speaker 1: it might it might have. Yeah, I didn't be like

893
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:35,080
Speaker 1: what was good? Was good film? All right, let's roll

894
00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:38,120
Speaker 1: into our last one. It's our last listener letter for

895
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:43,440
Speaker 1: the day. Hey, I first want to say that I

896
00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:46,560
Speaker 1: absolutely love and appreciate all of the transparency YouTube provide

897
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,600
Speaker 1: to the world. Thank you so much. We appreciate that.

898
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:50,759
Speaker 1: It's comforting to know that other couples go through the

899
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:53,520
Speaker 1: same trials and tribulations as we do. What I wanted

900
00:44:53,560 --> 00:44:56,120
Speaker 1: to bring up is that my husband is an ass man. Oh,

901
00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:59,879
Speaker 1: she was saying he was an ass he's an ass man. No,

902
00:45:00,120 --> 00:45:04,279
Speaker 1: he's an ask man, and he likes we're talking. Yes,

903
00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:06,320
Speaker 1: he likes big butts and he cannot lie. You know.

904
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:09,279
Speaker 1: It doesn't say that, but it does say he likes

905
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:12,399
Speaker 1: big butts, and thankfully I have a little something something

906
00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:14,640
Speaker 1: back there that he loves. We have two kids together,

907
00:45:14,719 --> 00:45:17,280
Speaker 1: so my body is naturally changing and it's harder to maintain.

908
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:19,239
Speaker 1: I've been working out for a few months and now

909
00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 1: I'm losing my booty a little bit. We always he

910
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:24,239
Speaker 1: always tells me he loves my button, would never want

911
00:45:24,239 --> 00:45:26,320
Speaker 1: me to lose it. I'm afraid if I keep working

912
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:28,440
Speaker 1: out that I will lose it and he will no

913
00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:31,560
Speaker 1: longer find me physically attractive. That's something that you have

914
00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:34,520
Speaker 1: mentioned in the past. But we found the answer to that,

915
00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:36,640
Speaker 1: so we will get to that. I want to keep

916
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:38,920
Speaker 1: working out for my personal health and to be around

917
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:41,000
Speaker 1: for my children as long as possible, but my husband

918
00:45:41,080 --> 00:45:43,680
Speaker 1: is my lifelong partner whom I always want to make happy.

919
00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:49,040
Speaker 1: I'm so that a woman acknowledged that and said that

920
00:45:49,719 --> 00:45:55,160
Speaker 1: I'm so happy. Oh my gosh, bro, that just sounds great.

921
00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:57,520
Speaker 1: If I want my booty to stay where it's at,

922
00:45:57,680 --> 00:46:01,000
Speaker 1: I have to be unhealthy and bigger. No, that's not true.

923
00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:04,239
Speaker 1: You don't. Would you suggestify the balance in this situation? Sign? No,

924
00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:07,000
Speaker 1: he doesn't enjoy working out, so it's impossible to get

925
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:13,920
Speaker 1: him to do it with me. Squats? What squat? Squat? Deadlift?

926
00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:16,279
Speaker 1: The thing is, you're not training the right way. Talk

927
00:46:16,320 --> 00:46:19,000
Speaker 1: about it. You are not training the right way because

928
00:46:19,120 --> 00:46:21,680
Speaker 1: I am now on my journey to get back after

929
00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:26,200
Speaker 1: baby number four. Because I agree with you, ladies, your

930
00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:28,680
Speaker 1: husband is your lifelong partner who you always want to

931
00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:32,000
Speaker 1: make happy. I can't necessarily make him happy, but I

932
00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:35,279
Speaker 1: can provide an ass and he'll be happy with So.

933
00:46:35,360 --> 00:46:37,839
Speaker 1: The thing is you need to really take a look

934
00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:40,640
Speaker 1: at your program, the training program that you're doing. Are

935
00:46:40,640 --> 00:46:44,280
Speaker 1: you only doing cardio? It sounds like it. So develop

936
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:46,040
Speaker 1: I'm gonna throw to you because you can probably give

937
00:46:46,040 --> 00:46:48,239
Speaker 1: her a couple lists of workouts that I tend to

938
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:50,640
Speaker 1: do that you've coached me through as well. To maintain

939
00:46:50,680 --> 00:46:54,040
Speaker 1: the assets while trimming down the waist so you can

940
00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:57,600
Speaker 1: stay slimpic So here's the key, ladies, this is this

941
00:46:57,680 --> 00:47:00,919
Speaker 1: is for you, all right. Most them in when they train,

942
00:47:01,080 --> 00:47:04,280
Speaker 1: want to train like a sprinter, not a marathon runner.

943
00:47:04,520 --> 00:47:07,480
Speaker 1: If you think about sprinters, sprinters are lean, but they

944
00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:10,719
Speaker 1: have high musculat shirt in the glutes and hamstring in

945
00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:16,560
Speaker 1: the calf area. Typically, the posterior chain starts from the

946
00:47:16,600 --> 00:47:19,000
Speaker 1: top of the head and goes through your your back,

947
00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:21,839
Speaker 1: of your neck, your lats, your traps, your lower back,

948
00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:25,239
Speaker 1: your glutes, your hamstrings, your calves, your achilles, in your heel.

949
00:47:25,320 --> 00:47:28,480
Speaker 1: That's the posterior chain, the whole back part of your body. Right.

950
00:47:28,920 --> 00:47:31,040
Speaker 1: But most people when they think about working out is

951
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:34,080
Speaker 1: burning calories. How do you burn calories? Get on the

952
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:36,719
Speaker 1: treadmill or the elliptical or the stair master and you

953
00:47:36,840 --> 00:47:39,520
Speaker 1: just run for hours. That is the worst thing you

954
00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:42,400
Speaker 1: can do for your body. If you look at marathon runners,

955
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:46,800
Speaker 1: marathon runners are typically very very lean, very very skinny,

956
00:47:47,120 --> 00:47:52,160
Speaker 1: not even lean. Sometimes look malnourished because with no musculature.

957
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:55,080
Speaker 1: Because running for hours and hours on end not only

958
00:47:55,120 --> 00:47:57,720
Speaker 1: burns fat, but when there's no more fat to be burned.

959
00:47:57,760 --> 00:48:00,279
Speaker 1: Your body will then burn muscular shirts to feed of

960
00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:03,160
Speaker 1: the nutrients that it needs to continue to run. What

961
00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:06,120
Speaker 1: you have to do is start to lift weights. Now,

962
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:08,080
Speaker 1: when I say that, women say I don't want to

963
00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:11,279
Speaker 1: look like a football player. Listen to me, ma, Your

964
00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:14,160
Speaker 1: body does not have testosterone like a man. You can

965
00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:16,200
Speaker 1: lift as many weights as your husband can lift, and

966
00:48:16,239 --> 00:48:19,360
Speaker 1: your body will be completely different than his because you

967
00:48:19,400 --> 00:48:22,759
Speaker 1: don't have testosterone. You have estrogen, so you're naturally going

968
00:48:22,800 --> 00:48:27,560
Speaker 1: to be softer. If you do exercises like squats, dead lifts,

969
00:48:27,560 --> 00:48:30,839
Speaker 1: and lunges, for example, that helps build the posterior chain.

970
00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:35,720
Speaker 1: Plus it burns more calories than running. If you burn calorie.

971
00:48:35,760 --> 00:48:38,600
Speaker 1: If you burn calories by lifting weights, you also burn

972
00:48:38,680 --> 00:48:41,640
Speaker 1: calories while you sleep because your body needs to regenerate

973
00:48:41,719 --> 00:48:44,239
Speaker 1: that muscula shore when you're not working out, So you

974
00:48:44,239 --> 00:48:47,120
Speaker 1: actually burn more calories by lifting heavy weight than you

975
00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:50,000
Speaker 1: do running long distances. If you continue to want, If

976
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:52,680
Speaker 1: you want to move, and you also talked about heart

977
00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:55,920
Speaker 1: health and being here for your kids, do sprints or

978
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:59,239
Speaker 1: jump rope as opposed to do long distance running on

979
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:02,759
Speaker 1: the treadmill. Because there's two types of cardio. There's aerobic,

980
00:49:02,920 --> 00:49:06,920
Speaker 1: and there's anaerobic. Aerobic workouts or workouts that last thirty

981
00:49:06,920 --> 00:49:10,560
Speaker 1: five to forty minutes straight NonStop. Anaerobic is more like

982
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:12,719
Speaker 1: you do something really really hard and fast and then

983
00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:15,960
Speaker 1: you stop and rest. You burn more calories in an

984
00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:19,560
Speaker 1: anaerobic workout because your heart rate peaks, your heart rate peats,

985
00:49:19,560 --> 00:49:22,279
Speaker 1: your body burns more heat. Heat converted the calories, and

986
00:49:22,280 --> 00:49:24,560
Speaker 1: that's how you burn calories. I know it's a lot

987
00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:27,760
Speaker 1: to take in, but we listen to the episode, but Ladies,

988
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:33,000
Speaker 1: in definitely higher protein diet builds muscle, and you need

989
00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:35,479
Speaker 1: that to replenish after doing a hard workout to build

990
00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:38,400
Speaker 1: the booty, muscles and all the ones that apply. Ladies,

991
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:41,920
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, stopped looking at the scale. Codeine has

992
00:49:41,960 --> 00:49:45,359
Speaker 1: been on his workout journey for the past five weeks. Right,

993
00:49:45,760 --> 00:49:49,319
Speaker 1: she hasn't lost any weight, but she's lost a ton

994
00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:52,200
Speaker 1: of inches all over her body and her ass has

995
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:55,680
Speaker 1: grown because she's been doing workouts that are dedicated towards

996
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:59,080
Speaker 1: building the musculature and her posterior chain. So don't let

997
00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:01,120
Speaker 1: people tell you that it's not possible, because it is.

998
00:50:01,200 --> 00:50:05,240
Speaker 1: It is most definitely possible. Now that I'm done helping

999
00:50:05,239 --> 00:50:08,800
Speaker 1: the ladies. I'm glad she said what she said about

1000
00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:11,839
Speaker 1: being what she needs for her husband. That's her life

1001
00:50:11,840 --> 00:50:15,120
Speaker 1: partner that doesn't let guys off the hook. In our

1002
00:50:15,280 --> 00:50:19,000
Speaker 1: group chat, we have the same conversation about being what

1003
00:50:19,120 --> 00:50:22,280
Speaker 1: you're supposed to be for your wife. Right your wife

1004
00:50:22,320 --> 00:50:24,920
Speaker 1: met you a certain way. You want your wife to

1005
00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:27,560
Speaker 1: be enticed to have sex with you, especially if you're

1006
00:50:27,560 --> 00:50:29,880
Speaker 1: a man who has a high sex drive. You have

1007
00:50:29,960 --> 00:50:34,600
Speaker 1: a responsibility to keep yourself healthy and physically in shape

1008
00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:38,439
Speaker 1: to inspire her to want to give her body to you.

1009
00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:41,279
Speaker 1: That's not just a wife thing. That is also a

1010
00:50:41,440 --> 00:50:44,600
Speaker 1: husband thing. This idea that I'm gonna do it for

1011
00:50:44,680 --> 00:50:48,080
Speaker 1: me only by myself is fine when you're single, but

1012
00:50:48,200 --> 00:50:52,120
Speaker 1: when you're in a marriage, you are in the service business.

1013
00:50:52,719 --> 00:50:55,799
Speaker 1: So I am here as a husband treat my my

1014
00:50:55,880 --> 00:50:59,120
Speaker 1: wife wife? How do you? And this is gonna sound crazy,

1015
00:50:59,200 --> 00:51:04,879
Speaker 1: but I wear a beard because my wife. I wear

1016
00:51:04,880 --> 00:51:07,520
Speaker 1: a beard. I hate wearing a beard. It's a lot

1017
00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:10,200
Speaker 1: to groom sometimes it is when I start growing it.

1018
00:51:10,360 --> 00:51:12,120
Speaker 1: I have to regrow it back every time my film

1019
00:51:12,160 --> 00:51:13,680
Speaker 1: because I cut it sometimes out the film it But

1020
00:51:13,760 --> 00:51:16,360
Speaker 1: I do it to be of service. I love to

1021
00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:18,640
Speaker 1: be in shape for myself and be healthy for my sons.

1022
00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:21,120
Speaker 1: But I love when I get out the shower and

1023
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:22,960
Speaker 1: my wife is looking at me from her side of

1024
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:25,319
Speaker 1: the bathroom, and then before I know it, she's all

1025
00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:28,200
Speaker 1: on me. I love that feeling, and I know that

1026
00:51:28,239 --> 00:51:30,800
Speaker 1: when I'm working on myself to be better for myself,

1027
00:51:30,840 --> 00:51:37,880
Speaker 1: it makes my wife feel better about bard relationship. Don't

1028
00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:40,440
Speaker 1: listen to the internet tell you you ain't gonna be

1029
00:51:40,440 --> 00:51:42,040
Speaker 1: in shape for you. Man, You ain't gotta be in

1030
00:51:42,080 --> 00:51:45,359
Speaker 1: shape for this. You gotta only be in shape for regardless. Yes,

1031
00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:49,880
Speaker 1: but there's a responsibility to serve your partner. Yet on

1032
00:51:49,960 --> 00:51:52,359
Speaker 1: both sides, it's not just her, it's him as well.

1033
00:51:52,440 --> 00:51:56,440
Speaker 1: So that's absolutely so my baby that you wrote in

1034
00:51:57,239 --> 00:51:59,399
Speaker 1: you said that you want to do this for him.

1035
00:51:59,600 --> 00:52:01,759
Speaker 1: If he he's not making you feel enticed to have

1036
00:52:01,840 --> 00:52:03,719
Speaker 1: sex because he don't want to work out, you need

1037
00:52:03,760 --> 00:52:05,840
Speaker 1: to tell him he needs to work out because it

1038
00:52:05,920 --> 00:52:08,319
Speaker 1: don't get do it together. It's actually really great for

1039
00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:10,839
Speaker 1: a play for us if you have works it works

1040
00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:12,239
Speaker 1: out a lot for us on this and as the

1041
00:52:12,239 --> 00:52:15,080
Speaker 1: booty continues to grow. Yes, this is a great session.

1042
00:52:15,080 --> 00:52:17,120
Speaker 1: I think it was. I hope we were helpful to y'all,

1043
00:52:17,160 --> 00:52:18,920
Speaker 1: just at least providing our two cents, you know what

1044
00:52:19,000 --> 00:52:21,040
Speaker 1: I mean. And continue to write into the listen of

1045
00:52:21,080 --> 00:52:23,920
Speaker 1: letters because these make for great episodes. Um, whenever we

1046
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:25,239
Speaker 1: want to be in touch with you and feel a

1047
00:52:25,239 --> 00:52:27,480
Speaker 1: little bit closer to you. Um, so go ahead and

1048
00:52:27,520 --> 00:52:30,480
Speaker 1: email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com.

1049
00:52:30,520 --> 00:52:33,359
Speaker 1: That's d E A D A D d A d

1050
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:36,000
Speaker 1: A S s A d v I c at gmail

1051
00:52:36,239 --> 00:52:39,600
Speaker 1: dot com. What say you always say? See see did

1052
00:52:39,640 --> 00:52:43,920
Speaker 1: I say CEO c E Josh? Josh ain't even listening

1053
00:52:45,280 --> 00:52:48,400
Speaker 1: with the glasses on. Let's try this again. That's D

1054
00:52:48,480 --> 00:52:50,600
Speaker 1: E A D A S S A d v I

1055
00:52:50,680 --> 00:52:54,520
Speaker 1: C E at gmail dot com. This is the moment

1056
00:52:54,560 --> 00:52:56,879
Speaker 1: of truth, becau dean and I can't give you any

1057
00:52:56,880 --> 00:52:59,600
Speaker 1: advice about your relationship that you can't get from your partner.

1058
00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:04,319
Speaker 1: Ask them these questions. That is the best way to

1059
00:53:04,360 --> 00:53:07,320
Speaker 1: get advice about you. Literally said that this morning. Trust

1060
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:10,319
Speaker 1: your partner to talk to him for her. Because we

1061
00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:12,560
Speaker 1: ain't in your house or in our bedrooms, nor do

1062
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:15,040
Speaker 1: we want to be. So it depends on dependent on

1063
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Speaker 1: It depends on the come. Sometimes you look one sometimes

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Speaker 1: and other times you like know about that there, but hey,

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Speaker 1: if it works for y'all, it works for y'all, okay,

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Speaker 1: And then now you can be sure to follow us

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Speaker 1: on social media dead Ask the podcast, I'm Cadine, I

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Speaker 1: am and I Am Devout, And if you're listening on

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00:53:35,680 --> 00:53:40,000
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead

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00:53:40,040 --> 00:53:41,879
Speaker 1: Ass and keep writing and tell your friends and them

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00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:45,640
Speaker 1: to write into the family, if y'all. Dead Ass is

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00:53:45,640 --> 00:53:48,279
Speaker 1: a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is

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Speaker 1: produced by the Noorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on

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Speaker 1: social media at dead as the Podcast and never miss

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Speaker 1: a Thing