1 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:06,480 Speaker 1: A Zone Media, Hello and welcome to this week's Better 2 00:00:06,519 --> 00:00:17,400 Speaker 1: Offline monologue. I'm your host ed ZiT Tron. I could not, 3 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:19,279 Speaker 1: for the life of me work out what I wanted 4 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,960 Speaker 1: to talk about for this week's monologue. I am a 5 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:24,160 Speaker 1: little burned out, and Robert and Sophia telling me I 6 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:26,200 Speaker 1: should take a break sometime, and I will at some 7 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:31,000 Speaker 1: point everyone, I promise. But I was seeing and thinking 8 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:33,160 Speaker 1: last night about what I was going to do today, 9 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:34,839 Speaker 1: and I ended up sketching out some thoughts and I 10 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:39,560 Speaker 1: realized that this show genuinely helped me turn my life around. 11 00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:43,960 Speaker 1: A little dramatic, but Better Offline really truly helped me 12 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:46,560 Speaker 1: leave a very dark place I was in April twenty 13 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:49,480 Speaker 1: twenty four. I would argue it on some degree saved 14 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:52,080 Speaker 1: my life, and I will tell you how today. It's 15 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,680 Speaker 1: a monologue. You already had a great interview with Karen Haile. 16 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:57,680 Speaker 1: This week. I'm going to give you a little schmaltz, 17 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:01,720 Speaker 1: a little bit of who I really am. And I 18 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,679 Speaker 1: worry this is ferociously self involved or pretentious, but at 19 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,560 Speaker 1: least from the heart. Right. So back when I started 20 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,639 Speaker 1: the show in early twenty twenty four, I was really 21 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,720 Speaker 1: lost as a person, but also as someone who would 22 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,000 Speaker 1: call themselves a creative. I'd agreed to do the show 23 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:17,319 Speaker 1: and knew I was capable of pushing out content, but 24 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:21,600 Speaker 1: my personal life had become, let's just say, very bad. 25 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,480 Speaker 1: I was in a bad situation. I was overweight, I 26 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 1: was unhappy. Therapy was kind of grinding at me. It 27 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,480 Speaker 1: didn't feel like it was changing anything because I was 28 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 1: kind of in a depressive state where I didn't want 29 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 1: to talk to anyone, which is why I wouldn't talk 30 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,279 Speaker 1: to my friends at all. And I had this fucking 31 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:38,679 Speaker 1: podcast I had to do that. I loved the idea 32 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:43,040 Speaker 1: of but I like confidence. I liked the pison vinegar 33 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,840 Speaker 1: you know me for today. And one day, as I 34 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,000 Speaker 1: struggled to work out what the fuck I was doing 35 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,880 Speaker 1: that week, I sat down to write the script for 36 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:52,880 Speaker 1: an episode about Shean, which is a Chinese clothing giant 37 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: that grew its brand entirely online. And it was coming 38 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 1: up on my birthday, Averri twenty fifth, and it's a 39 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,320 Speaker 1: day I really enjoyed. So I was pushing myself to 40 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,720 Speaker 1: do something, anything to get this episode off my plate 41 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,880 Speaker 1: and move on to planning the day, which is a 42 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,600 Speaker 1: few weeks out that would end up being dog shit 43 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 1: like it always was, and I was bored. I didn't 44 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,120 Speaker 1: care about Shin. I didn't care what I was doing. 45 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 1: I didn't think you would either. And I sat there 46 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,200 Speaker 1: thinking about whether or not I could realistically do better 47 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 1: offline anymore, or my newsletter or really end of this crap, 48 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,320 Speaker 1: and what can I say? My birthday kind of sucks 49 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,600 Speaker 1: and it always kind of led me to a weird slump, 50 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:28,960 Speaker 1: but I was in one that day anyway. I was 51 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,080 Speaker 1: really not in a great place, and if I'm honest, 52 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,600 Speaker 1: I was kind of spiraling. So I closed this Google 53 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:36,680 Speaker 1: doc and I sat teary eyed, staring at the ceiling. 54 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: Babou my cat was on top of me kind of. 55 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 1: I was sat at this table, and he shoved himself 56 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,919 Speaker 1: kind of on top of my knees, which he does 57 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,280 Speaker 1: when he knows I'm hurting, which is lovely. And I 58 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: sat there thinking about things, and I was drafting in 59 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:52,840 Speaker 1: my head something about not doing the newsletter anymore, and 60 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,720 Speaker 1: wondering how the fuck I was going to do forty 61 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,760 Speaker 1: or so more episodes. I was really quite worried, and 62 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,960 Speaker 1: this was really largely due to my personal I'm three 63 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,760 Speaker 1: minutes into this and I've just rambled about myself. But 64 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,960 Speaker 1: you know what, that's what the monologues for. And I 65 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: looked at the time and I realized I'd only written 66 00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:11,919 Speaker 1: eight hundred words in two hours, and I felt very 67 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,720 Speaker 1: bad about myself. I thought, I don't care about Shiin, 68 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:17,400 Speaker 1: and so I went to look at Google to see 69 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,079 Speaker 1: if I could find something, anything about the tech industry 70 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 1: that would be more interesting right about and I saw 71 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,280 Speaker 1: immediately something that pissed me off. A cycled tech gate 72 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 1: that had ripped off a story from another site, and 73 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,680 Speaker 1: they'd entirely ripped it off. They copypasted the entire thing, 74 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,920 Speaker 1: if not automate the entire thing. I was irate, not 75 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,240 Speaker 1: just because I was looking for something and this was 76 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 1: making my life harder, but because Google was making money 77 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,280 Speaker 1: off of this. And in that moment, I realized that 78 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 1: I needed to find out who did this. I need 79 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: to find the rap fuck that made this happen. I 80 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,000 Speaker 1: remember the name i'd kind of touched upon in the 81 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:53,560 Speaker 1: previous newsletter that i'd only just drafted, Propagar Ragavan, and 82 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: I realized I've said propagar Ragavan over a hundred times 83 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,640 Speaker 1: on this show, but I really didn't know who he 84 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:00,560 Speaker 1: was at the time, so I sat My eyes were red, puffy, 85 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,839 Speaker 1: and felt just like doom in every fiber of my being, 86 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 1: wondering how I tell Robert and Sophie that I needed 87 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 1: a break. Weeks into the show, and I immediately discovered 88 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,920 Speaker 1: the story of the biggest shithead I've run into in tech, 89 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:15,400 Speaker 1: the man that destroyed Google Search. I discovered a man 90 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: that has done unfathomable damage to the Internet, and I 91 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,080 Speaker 1: kind of got a template for how bastards have ripped 92 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,000 Speaker 1: a part of the tech industry in search of growth. 93 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 1: It was and it remains, the moment that the growth 94 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:29,160 Speaker 1: of all costs rot economy actually made sense to me. Now, 95 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,919 Speaker 1: as you probably realized, they take a lot of my 96 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 1: newsletter work and put it into the podcast, But The 97 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,040 Speaker 1: Man that destroyed Google Search was the first time I've 98 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,560 Speaker 1: ever taken a script and made it into a newsletter. 99 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:41,159 Speaker 1: And this fundamentally changed how I write, because up until 100 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 1: literally that episode, my spoken voice and my written voice 101 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:48,239 Speaker 1: were different. I wrote in a probably a more ballsy 102 00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:51,679 Speaker 1: way than I talk. I was deeply unconfident with my voice. 103 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 1: You can probably hear it in the first few episodes 104 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:59,880 Speaker 1: as well, you could tell, and this episode was very cathartic, 105 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 1: and it was also the first moment I'd really felt 106 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,479 Speaker 1: proud of anything I'd worked on, which is an insane 107 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:07,200 Speaker 1: statement given the amount I've written and produced before. Then. 108 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:10,880 Speaker 1: I realized in this moment, too, that I'd been treating 109 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,880 Speaker 1: myself without much dignity or respect, and that things in 110 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 1: my life had to change. The man that destroyed Google 111 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 1: Search was my first real breakthrough piece and made me 112 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:21,400 Speaker 1: rethink how he looked at the world, in part because 113 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,720 Speaker 1: it showed me the scale at which one man's selfishness 114 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,880 Speaker 1: can reach such havoc. Maybe it's a little much to 115 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,560 Speaker 1: put this much meaning on a fucking podcast episode, but 116 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,360 Speaker 1: these monologues are where I get to have my fun 117 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,640 Speaker 1: and be a little much something that I used to 118 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,720 Speaker 1: hate about myself, but at the very least have turned 119 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,839 Speaker 1: into a good career. Nevertheless, this breakthrough also pushed me 120 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,680 Speaker 1: to many other breakthroughs in my life and allowed me 121 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,960 Speaker 1: to fully emerge from Michelle I'd been in since birth. 122 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,599 Speaker 1: Had I not chased down Probagar Ragavan, I have no 123 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 1: idea how I'd complete the first season of Better Offline, 124 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 1: let alone reach the third tram On right now, and 125 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 1: the fact I won on award from this is completely insane. 126 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,840 Speaker 1: I don't even know how to express how happy it 127 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,760 Speaker 1: makes me, and I have a weird thing with being 128 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,680 Speaker 1: excited or being happy. You're really gonna you're learning a 129 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,600 Speaker 1: lot about me today, possibly too much. But look, I've 130 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,240 Speaker 1: never felt understood by the world, and when I've looked 131 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,039 Speaker 1: upon the world through my own eyes, I've struggled to 132 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 1: understand it myself. But in the last year of my work, 133 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:19,000 Speaker 1: I've found myself. I've found myself doing this show. My voice, 134 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,640 Speaker 1: my personality, my vigor, my anger, my fury, my love, 135 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: my passion, all through trying to understand what the fuck 136 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:28,040 Speaker 1: is going on with the computer. It all sounds ridiculous 137 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,680 Speaker 1: when I say it out loud, but I think you'll 138 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:33,960 Speaker 1: like it. And my lack of confidence, even if as 139 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,440 Speaker 1: I say this now, it's because I've never been good 140 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,279 Speaker 1: at appearances. I've never been good at fitting in, And 141 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,640 Speaker 1: it took until twenty twenty four for me to truly 142 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:45,000 Speaker 1: speak with confidence, and took me until like twenty twenty 143 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,000 Speaker 1: five for me to even like how I looked or 144 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,480 Speaker 1: who I was as a person. I've never been good 145 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:52,000 Speaker 1: at pretending. I've never been able to fit into the 146 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,520 Speaker 1: little corporate management squares you're meant to Other than my 147 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,719 Speaker 1: ability to be pleasant and conciliatory, I can't deal with 148 00:06:57,760 --> 00:06:59,840 Speaker 1: someone lying to me, which includes, but isn't limited to 149 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 1: people that bullshit me because they've decided that I'm stupid. 150 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,640 Speaker 1: I've never felt peer pressure because I've never felt popular, cool, 151 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 1: or important, nor do I feel smart. I do this 152 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 1: show because I have to, as doing it has brought 153 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,440 Speaker 1: me some degree of salvation at times when I felt 154 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,720 Speaker 1: truly lost, brought me closer to people that I love 155 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:18,320 Speaker 1: and respect, and allowed me to process the complex emotions 156 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:22,720 Speaker 1: I experienced reading about and understanding this stuff, and really 157 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:26,680 Speaker 1: understanding my childhood, which was largely based growing up online. 158 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,600 Speaker 1: I ain't have friends, I didn't really have things to 159 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 1: do other than being online, and it made me who 160 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:36,040 Speaker 1: I am, but also made me kind of reflect on 161 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,600 Speaker 1: things each year as I saw the Internet begin to crumble. 162 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,040 Speaker 1: But I really love doing this show and I have 163 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,880 Speaker 1: no idea if this monologue is going to be something 164 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 1: you care for, but I want you to know why 165 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,960 Speaker 1: I'm doing it. I want you to know who I 166 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,520 Speaker 1: am and what I am because this show has allowed 167 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:51,240 Speaker 1: me to express myself in a way that I've never 168 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,520 Speaker 1: allowed myself to and as a result, has allowed me 169 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 1: to become who I am and took me off a 170 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,840 Speaker 1: path that was equal parts dark and hopeless. Now I 171 00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 1: get to do a podcast where I call tech CEO, scum, 172 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,320 Speaker 1: pigs and shit heads, living the dream, and I am, 173 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,880 Speaker 1: albeit depressingly recently, extremely happy in my life because of 174 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 1: the work I get to do and the people it's 175 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,240 Speaker 1: led me to, and to the friendships I already have 176 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,080 Speaker 1: that have deepened as a result. And hearing from all 177 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:16,000 Speaker 1: of you is wonderful too. I'm so lucky to be 178 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,760 Speaker 1: able to do this, but also that so many of 179 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:20,520 Speaker 1: you reach out with kind words, with funny things that 180 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,800 Speaker 1: you've found, or just stories that pissed you off too. 181 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:26,720 Speaker 1: It's genuinely magical. Whatever the size of this community is 182 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 1: really grateful for it. I'm grateful that I get to 183 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,240 Speaker 1: do this, and I'm great grateful that I get to 184 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:33,800 Speaker 1: do these like five to ten minute long monologues where 185 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:37,200 Speaker 1: I just share how I feel at random. So yeah, 186 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,640 Speaker 1: that's been this week's monologue. Next week, we have a 187 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,760 Speaker 1: really fun interview with Giant bomb coming up as well. 188 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,559 Speaker 1: Just just did that. The show fucking rocks. Thank you 189 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:45,080 Speaker 1: for listening.