Speaker 1: My colleagues. We'll stop commenting on everything I get my
Speaker 1: assistant eyes at people and meeting. Why does my coworker
Speaker 1: keep taking credit for all my idea? Have any wisdom
Speaker 1: for me? Hi, I'm Alison Green. Welcome to the Aska
Speaker 1: Manager Podcast, where I answer questions from listeners about life
Speaker 1: at work, everything from what to say if you're allergic
Speaker 1: to your coworkers perfume to what to do if you
Speaker 1: drink too much at the company party. Let's get started, Hi,
Speaker 1: and welcome to the show. Today. We have a bunch
Speaker 1: of interesting questions to tackle, including someone who has an
Speaker 1: ethical dilemma, someone who isn't sure how to answer a
Speaker 1: question that she keeps getting at new jobs, someone who's
Speaker 1: pregnant and has coworkers who are being strange, and more.
Speaker 1: This first question is from someone who is wondering if
Speaker 1: she'll ever have any job that she likes. Hi, Allison,
Speaker 1: I wrote a rambling letter to your blog a while ago,
Speaker 1: and when I was incredibly stressed out and floundering at
Speaker 1: my new job. I managed to work myself out of
Speaker 1: that immediate deep hole. But I'm still struggling with being
Speaker 1: happy at work while I feel like the malfunctions I'm
Speaker 1: dealing with in my current job are reason enough to leave.
Speaker 1: There's a part of me that wonders, will I ever
Speaker 1: like any job I hold. I spent my twenties either
Speaker 1: hating my office like jobs or pursuing a more creative career,
Speaker 1: only to realize I didn't like it and I wasn't
Speaker 1: really that good at it. I told myself that I
Speaker 1: should stick with what I'm good at, which are more
Speaker 1: technical minded roles, but um with project management and process
Speaker 1: improvements sprinkled in there, and that I need to find
Speaker 1: out how to balance the good and bad with work.
Speaker 1: At thirty, I started a decent job and quickly got
Speaker 1: a promotion, but the company laid off workers earlier this
Speaker 1: year due to losing a major client, so I decided
Speaker 1: to look elsewhere. Not to mention that the culture there
Speaker 1: was pretty negative all the time. I thought the job
Speaker 1: I started in April would be better, but my manager
Speaker 1: is terrible and the leadership of my team and department
Speaker 1: is very poor. Not to mention I'm drowning in work
Speaker 1: and can't stop stressing about it all the time. I
Speaker 1: have a tendency to care too much about work and
Speaker 1: second guest myself. It's also really difficult for me to
Speaker 1: just ignore things that can be improved at work, which
Speaker 1: I think drains me. I'm having trouble looking for a
Speaker 1: new job again because I'm terrified I'm putting all this
Speaker 1: effort in just to hate my job again. I started
Speaker 1: working with a career coach to help me figure out
Speaker 1: what it is I want to do with my career.
Speaker 1: But I'm still concerned that I'm just not going to
Speaker 1: like any job that I go to. So my question is,
Speaker 1: how can I like my job when there's always going
Speaker 1: to be things I don't like about it? How can
Speaker 1: I leave work at work and not stress about it
Speaker 1: all the time? Well? I think there are a few
Speaker 1: different possibilities here. One is that you are in the
Speaker 1: wrong field. You know, you picked work that you're good at,
Speaker 1: but that doesn't mean that you like that work. And
Speaker 1: it's okay to not want to spend forty hours a
Speaker 1: week or more doing something just because you happen to
Speaker 1: be good at it. I mean, I might spend some
Speaker 1: time thinking about the parts of your jobs that you
Speaker 1: have actually enjoyed, not just we're good at, but really
Speaker 1: felt good about doing, and it might not be an
Speaker 1: obvious field like project management, may be something small like, oh,
Speaker 1: I've really enjoyed talking new clients through our services and
Speaker 1: how we'll work together, or oh, I love the days
Speaker 1: when I get to work totally alone with data and
Speaker 1: don't have to talk to anyone, or who knows what.
Speaker 1: But if there's anything at all in the jobs that
Speaker 1: you've had in the last decade that you did enjoy
Speaker 1: or at least didn't dislike, think about those things and
Speaker 1: see if it leads you anywhere. Because it's possible that
Speaker 1: you were overly practical when you chose this field, and
Speaker 1: that you've got a course correct by really leaning into
Speaker 1: the stuff that you like. And you mentioned you're talking
Speaker 1: to a career counselor, and I'm sure they're going into
Speaker 1: that stuff with you. The second possibility is that your
Speaker 1: field is fine, but you're picking the wrong jobs. And
Speaker 1: this one might be something that the career counselor doesn't
Speaker 1: get into so much. But I think it's really worth
Speaker 1: thinking about because it's really really common. How much due
Speaker 1: diligence are you doing when you accept a job? Are
Speaker 1: you just kind of accepting any job that gets offered
Speaker 1: to you, which a lot of people do, or are
Speaker 1: you really interviewing employers as much as they interview you,
Speaker 1: you know, doing research on what it's like to work there,
Speaker 1: and picking really, really carefully. Most people do it the
Speaker 1: first way, not the second way, And honestly, sometimes people
Speaker 1: don't have the luxury of doing it the second way.
Speaker 1: I mean, sometimes you just need a job, period, and
Speaker 1: you don't have the option of being picky. But when
Speaker 1: you're not selective about what jobs you take, you're much
Speaker 1: more likely to end up in a situation where you
Speaker 1: don't like your job, where the boss is horrible, or
Speaker 1: the culture sucks, or the workload is overwhelming or so forth.
Speaker 1: So before you conclude that you hate your field or
Speaker 1: that you just will never like a job at all,
Speaker 1: i'd really reflect on how much vetting you've done of
Speaker 1: your jobs before you've taken them. If the answer is
Speaker 1: very little, then I think it would be premature to
Speaker 1: assume that the problem is the field or that the
Speaker 1: problem is you. In that case, the thing I would
Speaker 1: try next is to start being much more deliberate and
Speaker 1: careful about vetting the next job, which also includes vetting
Speaker 1: the boss, because there's often red flags in the interview
Speaker 1: process that people either don't notice or don't pay enough
Speaker 1: attention to and often it's because you just get focused
Speaker 1: on getting a job offer and you lose sight of
Speaker 1: the fact that interviewing should be a two way street
Speaker 1: where you're assessing the company right back. So that means
Speaker 1: really paying attention to cuse that you get about culture
Speaker 1: and about management style, and it also means going outside
Speaker 1: of the formal interview process to get information about how
Speaker 1: things really work there, the stuff you might not be
Speaker 1: able to find out in an interview. Linked In can
Speaker 1: be really helpful in this because you can see if
Speaker 1: anyone in your network is connected to anyone who works
Speaker 1: there or used to work there and might be able
Speaker 1: to give you the inside scoop. It doesn't even have
Speaker 1: to be people's first degree connections. It could be second
Speaker 1: or third degree connections, like if your old co worker
Speaker 1: is connected to someone who's connected to someone who's connected
Speaker 1: to the company you're working for, there's a good source
Speaker 1: of info. And especially if they don't work there anymore,
Speaker 1: people are often more willing to give you real candid information.
Speaker 1: I actually think that is one of the best uses
Speaker 1: of LinkedIn. UM. I mean LinkedIn is is also very
Speaker 1: helpful as sort of an automatically updated rolodex for everyone
Speaker 1: you've ever worked with. And I think this is the
Speaker 1: other way that it's super helpful. Obviously, some people also
Speaker 1: find LinkedIn very helpful for recruiting and finding jobs, but
Speaker 1: a lot of people don't, and for those people, this
Speaker 1: is the value that Lincoln can bring to you. Okay,
Speaker 1: So Possibility one is that you're in the wrong field.
Speaker 1: Possibility too is that your field is fine, but you
Speaker 1: need to vet jobs more carefully before you take them.
Speaker 1: Possibility three is that, yes, it is something that you
Speaker 1: are bringing to the situation. You said you have a
Speaker 1: tendency to care about work too much and to have
Speaker 1: trouble ignoring things that work that could be improved, and
Speaker 1: that that drains you. And you are right that there
Speaker 1: will always be things that a job that you don't
Speaker 1: like and for people who tend to care to uma,
Speaker 1: which it can be hard sometimes to know where the
Speaker 1: line is between. Yeah, this is an ideal, but it's
Speaker 1: not a huge problem and I can live with it,
Speaker 1: versus this is truly toxic and I should get out.
Speaker 1: One way to help calibrate it is to look at
Speaker 1: what people around you think. If you have some coworkers
Speaker 1: who seem generally reasonable and they have good judgment and
Speaker 1: are reasonably accomplished. What's their take. Are they like, run
Speaker 1: for the hills while you have the chance, or are
Speaker 1: they more like, Yeah, it's a little annoying, but not
Speaker 1: a big deal. That doesn't mean that you always have
Speaker 1: to feel like other people around you feel, And frankly,
Speaker 1: a really dysfinctional workplace can warp your sense of what's normal,
Speaker 1: So there can be danger in relying too much on
Speaker 1: the opinions of other people. But it is one data
Speaker 1: point to look at. The other thing to look at
Speaker 1: is what the impact is on you. If something at
Speaker 1: work is bugging you, is it bugging you in principle
Speaker 1: because you think something should be running better, or is
Speaker 1: it having an actual direct impact on your ability to
Speaker 1: do your job and on your quality of life. If
Speaker 1: it's just annoying you on principle because someone is wrong
Speaker 1: or because you would handle something differently, I mean, believe me,
Speaker 1: I get that that stuff. I'm like the Queen of
Speaker 1: being annoyed on principle, but at the point where it's
Speaker 1: affecting your mental quality of life even though the work
Speaker 1: thing itself is not impacting your quality of life. That
Speaker 1: stuff I would work and letting go. You know, they're
Speaker 1: presumably not paying you to care more about that stuff
Speaker 1: than they do, and it's okay to decide I'm at
Speaker 1: work to do this very specific job that they're paying
Speaker 1: me for, and I don't have to care about things
Speaker 1: outside of that scope because someone else is handling that,
Speaker 1: even if they're handling it differently than I think they should,
Speaker 1: And there can be real relief and even liberation in
Speaker 1: just deciding to care less. On the other hand, though,
Speaker 1: if the things that you are bothered by are directly
Speaker 1: affecting you, and you mentioned drowning and work, and that
Speaker 1: would certainly qualify, that's different. Those are cases where I
Speaker 1: think you should explore whether there are solutions that would
Speaker 1: improve things for you, like in the case of an
Speaker 1: overwhelming workload, talking to your boss about prioritizing what's on
Speaker 1: your plate and potentially moving things off of it. If
Speaker 1: that doesn't work, then you know that this is part
Speaker 1: of the package of having this job, and you can
Speaker 1: decide from there if it works for you or not.
Speaker 1: But I think getting real clarity on what doesn't doesn't
Speaker 1: affect you and very deliberately choosing not to focus on
Speaker 1: the stuff that doesn't may help you get clearer about
Speaker 1: what's really going on here. It's hard to say for
Speaker 1: sure with the limited info that I have, but these
Speaker 1: are the places that I would start digging into. Okay,
Speaker 1: next letter, Hi Alison, I'm not sure how to answer
Speaker 1: some questions from my colleagues after I started a new
Speaker 1: job Boston Times. I will have just started a week
Speaker 1: or two or even a month in and I'm always asked,
Speaker 1: what do you think about this place? How do you
Speaker 1: like it here? Or even more phlammic thing, do you
Speaker 1: like your new job here? I know that my colleagues
Speaker 1: are coming from a good place and I want to
Speaker 1: get along with them, but I don't want to sound
Speaker 1: or say anything off putting or alienating. Do you have
Speaker 1: any suggestions on how to answer this type of question?
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. In the vast majority of cases,
Speaker 1: this question is really similar to how are you, and
Speaker 1: that people are saying it to be warm and polite
Speaker 1: and are expecting you to complete the exchange by saying
Speaker 1: something warm and polite in return. They're just looking for
Speaker 1: you to say something like, oh, I'm getting settled in
Speaker 1: everyone seems great so far, or so far so good,
Speaker 1: or you know, there's a lot to learn, but I'm
Speaker 1: really enjoying it. They are not usually looking for anything
Speaker 1: beyond that, like a confession that you're overwhelmed or second
Speaker 1: guessing your decision to take the job, or that you
Speaker 1: have some real doubts about the boss. And if someone
Speaker 1: is looking for that kind of answer and they're not
Speaker 1: your boss, that is often going to be someone who
Speaker 1: is into drama, and you don't want to feed that. Now.
Speaker 1: I said if they're not your boss, because this is
Speaker 1: different when your boss is the one doing the asking.
Speaker 1: With your boss, there is more room to have a
Speaker 1: real conversation, like if there's more training that you need,
Speaker 1: or the job doesn't seem like what you signed up for,
Speaker 1: or you need clarity about something. Those are things that
Speaker 1: you can definitely discuss with your boss in response to
Speaker 1: this question. But with everyone else, they're usually just trying
Speaker 1: to be warm and welcoming and to connect with you
Speaker 1: in some way, and so you just respond in kind
Speaker 1: with something like so far, so good, and then you
Speaker 1: can keep the conversation going if you want, by asking
Speaker 1: things like how long have you been here? And tell
Speaker 1: me more about the work that you do and things
Speaker 1: like that. Most people like to talk about themselves, and
Speaker 1: you can build relationships through those conversations. We're gonna go
Speaker 1: to a quick break here and come right back. Accepted
Speaker 1: a job for a little over six months ago at
Speaker 1: a rapidly growing startup company. At the time, my role
Speaker 1: was intended to serve under a senior manager to help
Speaker 1: with the high volume of work. At the time, the
Speaker 1: pace seemed a little low, but I was desperate for
Speaker 1: a new job and accepted without negotiating. However, not even
Speaker 1: halfway through my time at this company, the senior manager
Speaker 1: left and I was given her entire workload. While I
Speaker 1: was stressed for to say the least, I set up
Speaker 1: to the plate and make sure everything continued to run smoothly.
Speaker 1: I was thanked immensely for my hard work, but not
Speaker 1: offered a raise or promotion. Here we are a few
Speaker 1: months later. My company has hired a second person to
Speaker 1: share responsibility with my assigned tasks, but I'm still swamped.
Speaker 1: I've been told numerous times that I will will receive
Speaker 1: a performance review once HR finalizes their new initiative for
Speaker 1: raises and promotions, but I'm growing frustrated. What has really
Speaker 1: triggered my dissatisfaction was recently finding out that co op
Speaker 1: students my company has hired this quarter are getting paid
Speaker 1: more than me. I've gone ahead and address my workload
Speaker 1: as well as salary concerns with my manager, who cannot
Speaker 1: make any promises about when and how this will be resolved.
Speaker 1: Is there anything further I can do? Thanks? Maybe there
Speaker 1: are definitely things you should try first. I want to
Speaker 1: say that in general, in most cases, you wouldn't normally
Speaker 1: ask for a raise until you've been there for a year,
Speaker 1: even if you realize that you should have negotiated better
Speaker 1: when the offer was made. Once you agree to a salary,
Speaker 1: the understanding is generally that you're agreeing to work at
Speaker 1: that salary for a period of time, and usually it's
Speaker 1: going to look off if you ask for the salary
Speaker 1: to be revisited sooner than a year. But there are
Speaker 1: some exceptions to that, and this is one of them,
Speaker 1: because when your job changes significantly from the one that
Speaker 1: you accepted, it's reasonable to revisit compensation at that point.
Speaker 1: If you were really given your manager's entire workload, that
Speaker 1: is a huge change, and that is a reason to
Speaker 1: revisit how much you're making now. You said that you
Speaker 1: have been told a bunch of times that you will
Speaker 1: get a performance of you at some point once HR
Speaker 1: finalizes some processes. But the performance review isn't really the
Speaker 1: issue here. I mean, yes, let's get you a performance
Speaker 1: review if you want one, but the more important thing
Speaker 1: right now is the salary. And you're still being paid
Speaker 1: for this previous, more junior version of the job rather
Speaker 1: than for the significantly increased amount of responsibility that you've
Speaker 1: taken on. You don't need a performance review for them
Speaker 1: to correct your salary. So I don't want you to
Speaker 1: play into that idea because that is making it more
Speaker 1: complicated than it needs to be. So what I think
Speaker 1: you should do is go to your boss and say,
Speaker 1: you know, I understand that HR is in the middle
Speaker 1: of new processes for raises and promotions, but I want
Speaker 1: to request that my salary be addressed now. I was
Speaker 1: happy to help out when Jane left and to pick
Speaker 1: up her workload, but it's been several months since I've
Speaker 1: been doing her work as well as my own and
Speaker 1: shouldering significantly more responsibility than the job that I was
Speaker 1: brought on to do. And I'd like my salary to
Speaker 1: reflect the way the job has changed. Can we adjust
Speaker 1: my salary now to reflect that the work I'm doing
Speaker 1: now is different than what I was brought into do.
Speaker 1: If your boss tells you that yes, it will happen
Speaker 1: at some point, but doesn't say when, then you can
Speaker 1: try to pin that down a little more. You can
Speaker 1: say something like, I'd like to get a more solid
Speaker 1: timeline in place for this, because it's been several months.
Speaker 1: What do we need to do to get this addressed?
Speaker 1: And frankly, you can also say, I am concerned that
Speaker 1: the co op students we've hired are being paid more
Speaker 1: than me given our relative contributions, and I'd like to
Speaker 1: correct that. But if that doesn't produce any results, then
Speaker 1: at that point there isn't much more pushing you can do,
Speaker 1: and so you would have to decide if you're willing
Speaker 1: to stay in the job at this level of pay
Speaker 1: or if you want to look elsewhere. And it's also
Speaker 1: possible if they do come through with a raise at
Speaker 1: some point, you can push them to make it retroactive
Speaker 1: so that it covers this period. Some companies will do that,
Speaker 1: some won't, but it's you can definitely ask one caveat
Speaker 1: to all of this, though, and it's important you did
Speaker 1: say that they hired someone else to help with the workload.
Speaker 1: So if your workload is now just a bit higher
Speaker 1: than before, that isn't something that I would make this
Speaker 1: strong of a pushover workloads change, and that is just
Speaker 1: how it goes. And in that case, you can't be
Speaker 1: quite this aggressive coming at it from a place of
Speaker 1: of course they need to fix this, but if you've
Speaker 1: really taken over most of your old manager's job, then
Speaker 1: go for it. And one other thing which won't help
Speaker 1: you now but might help in the future. I totally
Speaker 1: get that when you get offered a job and you're
Speaker 1: feeling desperate, it's very tempting to just accept without trying
Speaker 1: to negotiate salary. But it almost always does make sense
Speaker 1: to ask for more. I mean, there are some situations
Speaker 1: where it doesn't like if they met or exceeded the
Speaker 1: amount that you said you were looking for, or if
Speaker 1: the offer is already really generous for your field, or
Speaker 1: if you know that salaries for this role are fixed
Speaker 1: and they don't negotiate, But in most cases it does
Speaker 1: make sense to see if you can get a little
Speaker 1: bit more because you can often get a lot more
Speaker 1: money just by asking for it at that point, and
Speaker 1: it typically will never be as easy to get a
Speaker 1: raise later on as it is to get a higher
Speaker 1: salary during the offer negotiation process. So even when you're
Speaker 1: feeling desperate, don't let that be a reason not to ask. Okay,
Speaker 1: next letter, I'm calling because I have a bit of
Speaker 1: an ethical flamma that I started having to say a
Speaker 1: work recently, and I was wondering if you could help
Speaker 1: me out. I worked for a conglomerate of doctors, so
Speaker 1: the hierarchy within the offices or office is very different
Speaker 1: than a normal corporate work environment. But recently, my supervisor
Speaker 1: has asked that me and my fellow co workers in
Speaker 1: the same position in our office and the other offices
Speaker 1: that we work with, reports weekly about the doctors and
Speaker 1: residents when they are coming into the office in the morning.
Speaker 1: So it's it's it's very confusing, um because the doctors
Speaker 1: that we work with, some of them are specialists, and
Speaker 1: it's not those ones that we have to report about,
Speaker 1: but it's the doctors that we work with every day.
Speaker 1: They are the doctors who would be our immediate supervisors
Speaker 1: and We were told when we were asked to do
Speaker 1: this that they didn't want any of it in writing.
Speaker 1: So my supervisor came out to all of our locations,
Speaker 1: came out to us on location and told us and
Speaker 1: said that it was just her and the CIO that
Speaker 1: wanted uh disinformation, and that we were not to tell
Speaker 1: anybody about it. Not really to discuss it, but it
Speaker 1: just it troubled me that they're asking for documentation about
Speaker 1: our supervisors are like quasi supervisors arrival times, but they
Speaker 1: also want no written record of this, and I just
Speaker 1: feel like it's a very strange ethical Blaman, I was
Speaker 1: hoping you could help. Oh, this is interesting. So there
Speaker 1: are very legitimate reasons that they could be asking you
Speaker 1: to do this. They could have gotten reports from patients
Speaker 1: or from other people that doctors aren't there when they're
Speaker 1: supposed to be. They could be in a position where
Speaker 1: they're genuinely concerned that doctors aren't there when they need
Speaker 1: to be, but they're not in sight to see it
Speaker 1: for themselves, and so they're asking the people who are
Speaker 1: to let them know what's going on. This isn't the
Speaker 1: best way for them to handle it, because of course
Speaker 1: it's going to make you and your coworkers feel uncomfortable. Ideally,
Speaker 1: they would just talk to the doctors directly about what's
Speaker 1: going on. But maybe they've done that and it's still unresolved.
Speaker 1: We don't know. In that case, Ideally they then talk
Speaker 1: to you, but in a different way, instead of just
Speaker 1: asking you to keep a log without giving you any context.
Speaker 1: They could say something like, we're trying to get a
Speaker 1: handle on the flow of doctors in the office. Can
Speaker 1: you give us a sense of what hours you typically
Speaker 1: see each person keeping Are people there in the morning,
Speaker 1: when patients show up, and that kind of thing. But
Speaker 1: it's hard to know what's going on behind the scenes,
Speaker 1: and it's possible that they do actually have some reason
Speaker 1: for handling it this way. It's also possible, of course,
Speaker 1: that they don't, and that this was their first step
Speaker 1: before they did any of the other things I talked about,
Speaker 1: in which case they aren't handling it well and they
Speaker 1: should have a conversation with the doctors who they're concerned about.
Speaker 1: But ultimately, that's their call and it's not one that
Speaker 1: you get to make. They do have the right to
Speaker 1: expect you to do this if they ask for it.
Speaker 1: I'm guessing that the thing about telling you not to
Speaker 1: talk about it or put it in writing is because
Speaker 1: they don't want the doctors to know that they're observing this,
Speaker 1: because they don't want people changing their behavior because they
Speaker 1: know it's being monitored more closely. They want to see
Speaker 1: what's actually going on without anyone being tipped off and
Speaker 1: changing anything. And I totally get why that feels ikey
Speaker 1: to you, but I do think you've got to do
Speaker 1: it since were told to by a supervisor. I would
Speaker 1: just remember there really could be reasonable cause for this
Speaker 1: that you're not privy to. That said, if you have
Speaker 1: decent rapport with the boss who asked you to do it,
Speaker 1: it is okay to ask about it. You know, you
Speaker 1: could say something like, to be totally transparent, I feel
Speaker 1: really awkward about doing this without our doctors knowing. Is
Speaker 1: there any context do you can give me to help
Speaker 1: me understand why you want us to do it. You
Speaker 1: may not get a full explanation, but it might prompt
Speaker 1: them to give you a little more context. And it's
Speaker 1: a reasonable thing to ask either way, as long as
Speaker 1: you explain that the question is coming from a place
Speaker 1: of just feeling a little uneasy about it. Let's do
Speaker 1: one ware break here and then I'll be back with
Speaker 1: the question from a woman who is pregnant and one
Speaker 1: of her co workers keeps calling her mom. Why Allison. First,
Speaker 1: I want to thank you for your fascinating and informative podcast.
Speaker 1: I'm calling today to talk about pregnancy related issues in
Speaker 1: the workplace. I am presently about six months and very
Speaker 1: visibly pregnant. While I have so far avoided the workplace
Speaker 1: discrimination that some women encounter during pregnancy, I'm noticing a
Speaker 1: number of other, less serious issues that still caused me concern.
Speaker 1: I've been at my job for about two years. My
Speaker 1: office is a relatively large and compartmentalized workplace, and my
Speaker 1: job is primarily research and writing based. So while I'm
Speaker 1: friendly with my coworkers, I often work alone and I
Speaker 1: like to keep my personal and work lives separate. But
Speaker 1: since I've become pregnant, it seems like many of my
Speaker 1: co workers consider this to be an invitation to pop
Speaker 1: into my office unannounced or stop me in the hallway
Speaker 1: to talk about my pregnancy and ask me some very
Speaker 1: personal questions. Over the past couple of months, colleagues, including
Speaker 1: people who I don't know very well, have made comments,
Speaker 1: are asked uncomfortable questions about my body size, my personal life,
Speaker 1: and my career plans following the birth of the baby. Frequently,
Speaker 1: the same people we'll also ask me the same questions,
Speaker 1: and we'll make the same comments over and over again.
Speaker 1: Here's a sample of some of the questions and comments
Speaker 1: I've heard from colleagues. Wow, you look like you're ready
Speaker 1: to pop. When are you do? I'm sure it won't
Speaker 1: belong now. How are you feeling? You look so sick?
Speaker 1: We're tired? How many more kids do you plan to have? Or?
Speaker 1: Most troubling, Lee, I'm sure you're planning to quit after
Speaker 1: the baby is born. Right. One coworker in particular stands
Speaker 1: out for his behavior. Shortly after I began to show,
Speaker 1: my coworker asked me when I was doing. I had
Speaker 1: not told him that I was pregnant, so this was
Speaker 1: a total guest on his part, But because I had
Speaker 1: already shared the news of my pregnancy with my boss
Speaker 1: and select colleagues, I confirmed that he had guessed. Right.
Speaker 1: This is not a coworker that I interact with very often,
Speaker 1: but suddenly he was going out of his way two
Speaker 1: or three times a week just to talk to me
Speaker 1: about being pregnant. Most insulting to me was when he
Speaker 1: started calling me mom. At first, I tried to use
Speaker 1: short answers in body language to let him know these
Speaker 1: comments and questions were unwelcome, but he didn't seem to
Speaker 1: pick up on these signals. Eventually, I pulled him aside
Speaker 1: to explain how uncomfortable I was with that nickname and
Speaker 1: to ask him not to do it again. I further
Speaker 1: added that I didn't like to talk about my pregnancy
Speaker 1: at work unless it affected my work. He said he understood,
Speaker 1: but thirty seconds later he turned around and asked me
Speaker 1: again when I was due. I appreciate that most people
Speaker 1: are either genuinely happy for me, or maybe just a
Speaker 1: little nosy but mean no harm. Well, I suspect there
Speaker 1: might be a colleague or two prying to determine whether
Speaker 1: or not my job will open up after I take
Speaker 1: maternity leave, which it will not. I truly believe that
Speaker 1: most people only have good intentions. I also know that
Speaker 1: a lot of women enjoy talking about their pregnancies, but
Speaker 1: I'm just not one of those women. There are, of course,
Speaker 1: legitimate professional reasons to discuss my pregnancy and maternity leave
Speaker 1: at work, and I am not bothered by these questions
Speaker 1: and discussions with my boss and my team who will
Speaker 1: be affected by my time off. I have been very
Speaker 1: open and proactive about the amount of time I plan
Speaker 1: to take, what work I can do in advance, and
Speaker 1: what work will need to be completed by others while
Speaker 1: I'm away. It's only the unnecessary questions and comments about
Speaker 1: my pre nancy that are troubling me. How can I
Speaker 1: navigate the situation. I'm trying my best to be polite
Speaker 1: and put things in perspective, for these comments and questions
Speaker 1: truly make me uncomfortable. How can I make it clear
Speaker 1: that while I'm pregnant work, the boundaries about my personal
Speaker 1: life remain the same. It's so gross that he called
Speaker 1: you mom. People are so weird, to be clear. I'm
Speaker 1: sure there are some women out there who would not
Speaker 1: have a problem with that, but so many would. And
Speaker 1: it's presumptuous to do that to someone if you don't
Speaker 1: know them well enough to know for sure that they
Speaker 1: would be fine with it. It's bad enough when you've
Speaker 1: got pushy relatives doing that kind of thing. It's even
Speaker 1: weirder and more out of line when it's a coworker
Speaker 1: and a coworker who you don't even interact with much,
Speaker 1: that people are bizarre with the nosy questions and terris
Speaker 1: of comments. I do think you're right that most people
Speaker 1: are just happy for you and are trying to connect
Speaker 1: in a warm way and not realizing that it feels
Speaker 1: boundary crossing to you. And I think for the more
Speaker 1: my yelled comments, the easiest thing to do is to
Speaker 1: just take them in that spirit and to feel free
Speaker 1: to then quickly change the subject. Polite people will pick
Speaker 1: up on your cues. But if someone keeps asking you
Speaker 1: how you feel or otherwise raising your pregnancy in a
Speaker 1: way that you don't like, it's totally okay to say,
Speaker 1: you know, I appreciate your concern, but I'm actually trying
Speaker 1: not to talk about it too much at work. Thanks
Speaker 1: for understanding, And again, polite people will get it. For
Speaker 1: people who comment on your body, like saying that you're huge,
Speaker 1: it's so weird how pregnant women's bodies suddenly become fair
Speaker 1: game for people to comment on like this. Isn't it anyway?
Speaker 1: For those people, you still might find it easier to
Speaker 1: just take it as okay. This person is attempting to
Speaker 1: connect with me, even though they are doing it in
Speaker 1: an awkward way. But if you want to, it is
Speaker 1: also completely fine to say, you know, it's never a
Speaker 1: great idea to comment on someone's size, even when they're pregnant.
Speaker 1: You might educate some people that way. Who knows that.
Speaker 1: You also don't have to take that on if you
Speaker 1: don't want to. It's fine to just like raise your
Speaker 1: eyebrows and change the subject or whatever you want. They're
Speaker 1: being a little rude, and it's not on you to
Speaker 1: have to find a way to smooth it over with
Speaker 1: people who ask if you are planning to quit after
Speaker 1: the baby is born. This is so offensive even when
Speaker 1: people don't realize it. It's harmful to women who do
Speaker 1: plan to return, because when people assume that or reinforce
Speaker 1: that idea, it can impact what kind of projects and
Speaker 1: promotions women are given, and in some cases it even
Speaker 1: leads to employers being hesitant to hire women of childbearing age,
Speaker 1: even if only subconsciously. So you are free to respond
Speaker 1: however you want to that You could say wow, no,
Speaker 1: what a weird assumption, or no, And it's pretty damaging
Speaker 1: for women when people assume that or Wow, you really
Speaker 1: shouldn't say that to pregnant women. Seriously, call that crap out.
Speaker 1: I mean, you don't have to get up in a
Speaker 1: soapbox and start handing out pamphlets about the Pregnancy Discrimination Act.
Speaker 1: But you can absolutely respond in a way that makes
Speaker 1: it clear that the question is BS and out ofline.
Speaker 1: And if you do the soapbox in the burchers, I
Speaker 1: support that too. As for that guy who was calling
Speaker 1: you mom, I think you handled it perfectly. You know,
Speaker 1: you tried to use and polite cues that his comments
Speaker 1: weren't welcome, and when that didn't work, you addressed it
Speaker 1: with him very directly. You were perfect. The fact that
Speaker 1: he then asked you another pregnancy question thirty seconds later,
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that you didn't handle it well. It
Speaker 1: means that he's an ass. It's totally okay with this
Speaker 1: guy to get even more direct if he keeps doing
Speaker 1: it after that conversation, It's fine to just be like ron,
Speaker 1: I asked you to stop dwelling on my pregnancy. Please
Speaker 1: cut it out. And one more thing for people listening,
Speaker 1: in addition to what this color is describing about how
Speaker 1: these questions feel so intrusive and boundary crossing. It's also
Speaker 1: important to be thoughtful about how painful this kind of
Speaker 1: focus on pregnancy at work can be for people who
Speaker 1: are struggling with miscarriage or in for to letty. And
Speaker 1: in many cases you have no idea who those people are,
Speaker 1: So this is just a plea for all of us
Speaker 1: to remember to be a little bit more thoughtful. That
Speaker 1: is the show for today. If you would like to
Speaker 1: hear your question answered on a future episode, you can
Speaker 1: record it on the show voicemail at eight five work
Speaker 1: at eight five five four T six nine six seven five.
Speaker 1: You can also email a sound file of your question
Speaker 1: to podcast at ask a manager dot org. I will
Speaker 1: be back next time with more questions. M