WEBVTT - Are We Communicating Correctly? 0:00:01.280 --> 0:00:03.920 Hey, they're folks in this episode of Amy and TJ. 0:00:04.360 --> 0:00:07.600 So you think you and your partner communicate well and 0:00:07.680 --> 0:00:11.640 that it's key to your successful relationship, but we will 0:00:11.640 --> 0:00:16.400 see about that. Welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. Yes, 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:18.200 we are going to test it a lot of people, 0:00:18.200 --> 0:00:21.639 and it's key right to relationship communication. But we have 0:00:21.720 --> 0:00:24.040 a little test here, some questions that we are going 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:26.920 to ask people to see whether or not you actually 0:00:26.960 --> 0:00:31.680 are communicating a way that's successful. Couples say they communicate. 0:00:31.440 --> 0:00:34.520 Yeah, successful couples. But I would say everyone, I would 0:00:34.600 --> 0:00:38.360 think it's a universal thing to struggle with communication. If 0:00:38.400 --> 0:00:41.040 you don't struggle with communication, I would say you probably 0:00:41.080 --> 0:00:45.040 never fight because the fights are almost always about miscommunication, 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:50.080 misguided feelings, interpreting what someone meant to say versus what 0:00:50.159 --> 0:00:53.080 they did say. I at least am speaking from experience 0:00:53.800 --> 0:00:56.240 with you, and I I think that my mom has 0:00:56.240 --> 0:00:58.520 always said, you're never fighting about what you're fighting about. 0:00:58.960 --> 0:01:02.160 So there's always something deeper and something one or both 0:01:02.200 --> 0:01:06.960 aren't getting. So communication, oh my god, it is so much. 0:01:07.400 --> 0:01:09.760 And our good friend doctor Jeff Gardier, that many of 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:12.160 you will know, he's the one that says, actually that 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:17.800 you're you're not actually your issue in relationship is not finances, 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:20.240 it's not the kids, it's not these things. It's how 0:01:20.240 --> 0:01:22.959 you fight about it. It's not actually the thing you 0:01:23.120 --> 0:01:27.720 think you're fighting about. So I am always fascinated by this. 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:29.520 In the idea of communication, there are a bunch of 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:33.520 things and a bunch of reasons why relationships work. I 0:01:33.520 --> 0:01:35.000 don't know what order you would put these in, but 0:01:35.080 --> 0:01:37.479 we were talking about ahead of time, trust, friendship, sex, 0:01:37.920 --> 0:01:41.479 laughter like being able to laugh with somebody, and communication. 0:01:41.560 --> 0:01:43.160 I mean, what else goes on that list or even 0:01:43.480 --> 0:01:48.360 in what order? Would you say that those things go? Laughter, trust, friendship, sex, communication? 0:01:48.640 --> 0:01:52.160 Wow? I mean they're all so important. I mean, I 0:01:52.200 --> 0:01:56.520 would say communication is probably the most important, but I 0:01:56.560 --> 0:01:59.279 would put friendship and sex like at the same level 0:01:59.400 --> 0:02:03.880 because I believe that being with someone who you enjoy 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:07.120 being around, Yes, who you can laugh with, that's important 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:10.560 completely as a foundation, But you also need to have 0:02:10.680 --> 0:02:12.640 a great sex life, I think, in order for it 0:02:12.639 --> 0:02:16.440 to be a successful romantic relationship. Otherwise you're just talking 0:02:16.440 --> 0:02:17.679 about a really good friendship. 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:21.600 And then the idea of really good friendship, what's the 0:02:23.560 --> 0:02:25.720 is it? Because I wonder if it's a man woman thing, 0:02:26.840 --> 0:02:28.880 or sometimes it's it's a me thing, because you and 0:02:28.880 --> 0:02:34.160 I communicate very differently. We do because I speak literally 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:37.520 and you often speak emotionally. I think you'll admit that 0:02:37.639 --> 0:02:39.919 to where I am only taking into account the words 0:02:39.960 --> 0:02:42.040 coming out of your mouth and not trying to assign 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:43.160 anything to an emotion. 0:02:43.000 --> 0:02:47.160 Which is frustrating to me because in my mind where 0:02:47.240 --> 0:02:50.720 I hopefully have some logic attached to what I'm saying, 0:02:51.000 --> 0:02:54.120 but there is emotion behind it, and sometimes what I 0:02:54.160 --> 0:02:59.080 say isn't direct or isn't specific, it's more a feeling, 0:02:59.560 --> 0:03:03.519 and you're like swimming in muddy waters and frustrated with 0:03:03.919 --> 0:03:09.640 my lack of just specificity and logic, where I'm more like, 0:03:09.680 --> 0:03:12.000 this is what I'm feeling, this is what I think 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:15.040 I want, this is what you know. There's ambiguity, and 0:03:14.680 --> 0:03:17.840 you're like, I can't read between the lines, and yes. 0:03:17.840 --> 0:03:20.400 Okay, that last part is where I get in trouble, 0:03:20.440 --> 0:03:24.360 like you actually holding me accountable for not reading between 0:03:24.440 --> 0:03:27.079 lines and understanding something that did not come out of 0:03:27.160 --> 0:03:29.079 your mouth. I should have pieced it together. And that's 0:03:29.160 --> 0:03:30.520 where like, really. 0:03:30.240 --> 0:03:33.079 That's true, and when and when you take it literally 0:03:33.160 --> 0:03:36.680 and don't give it the depth or the context that 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:41.040 I'm sharing it with you. That annoys me because I 0:03:41.040 --> 0:03:42.720 feel like you're doing it on purpose, like you're almost 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:45.280 like holding it over my head, like, well, if you 0:03:45.320 --> 0:03:47.240 had meant to say that, that's what you should have said. 0:03:47.240 --> 0:03:49.360 So no better than that now, Oh yes, oh. 0:03:49.720 --> 0:03:51.960 Okay, you know in the middle of a fight, that's 0:03:51.960 --> 0:03:53.440 how it feelsh. Do you know what I mean? 0:03:53.880 --> 0:03:57.680 Because I am the opposite in where you're talking to 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:01.440 me and holding me accountable for what you think I meant. 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:04.000 And I looked you right in the face, I said, sweetheart, 0:04:04.040 --> 0:04:07.480 you know me, I absolutely just said what I meant. 0:04:07.560 --> 0:04:10.280 There is no need for interpretation, There no line you 0:04:10.360 --> 0:04:13.520 need to between. And so is that a man woman. 0:04:13.360 --> 0:04:16.120 Thing I I do? And it's funny because when I 0:04:16.200 --> 0:04:17.800 just said you know what I mean? You know what 0:04:17.839 --> 0:04:20.080 you usually say when I say you know what I mean? 0:04:20.480 --> 0:04:29.920 Hardly ever, that is exactly how it goes. Why it is, 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:33.000 I don't know how to adjust. The adjustment is to 0:04:33.200 --> 0:04:35.520 not take you for what just came out of your 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:38.080 mouth or take it with a grain of salt. Okay, 0:04:38.160 --> 0:04:40.800 maybe she didn't mean that, and it's just difficult in 0:04:40.839 --> 0:04:43.760 the moment to so, and you have to tell me 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:46.520 that's got to be a sign. You've got to do 0:04:46.680 --> 0:04:48.960 something to where I have a signal to wear. Okay, 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:51.880 this is where TJ don't take everything she says. 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:54.760 I would just say always always. 0:04:54.839 --> 0:04:58.239 Okay. Yes, So when you say I love you, should 0:04:58.240 --> 0:04:59.920 I interpret that as well to mean something else? 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:03.400 Yes? What? Because it could mean like at that moment, 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:06.840 I love you so much, or it could mean I 0:05:06.880 --> 0:05:08.400 love you and that's why I'm not going to get 0:05:08.440 --> 0:05:10.919 upset right now, or you know, there's just there are 0:05:11.000 --> 0:05:13.320 can be different ways and reasons why you say I 0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:13.680 love you. 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:14.280 Okay. 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:16.320 It doesn't mean that that's not true. It just means 0:05:16.320 --> 0:05:17.200 there's more context. 0:05:17.240 --> 0:05:20.880 Oh my, So this is what we're talking about, folks. Communication. 0:05:21.440 --> 0:05:25.640 Communication is always key. So you'll heard plenty of time 0:05:25.720 --> 0:05:28.920 talk about our super producer, Andy Pulls the We haven't 0:05:28.920 --> 0:05:30.720 gotten one of these in a while, so we've kind 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:32.400 of been itching to do him. But he has a 0:05:32.440 --> 0:05:36.120 great relationship one having to do with communication. So Andy, 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:38.560 you guide us through. Tell us what this list is. 0:05:38.600 --> 0:05:40.520 First of all, all right, so this list comes from 0:05:40.560 --> 0:05:44.279 bold dot Com. It's couples with strong communication skills all 0:05:44.360 --> 0:05:47.000 share these same habits. It's some of the most important 0:05:47.000 --> 0:05:48.920 skills you have in a relationship. It's going to keep 0:05:48.920 --> 0:05:51.720 you connected when times are good and when times are rough. 0:05:51.800 --> 0:05:54.719 Okay, how many you got? There are ten of them? Okay, 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:57.360 so we have not heard these. Nope, So we have 0:05:57.440 --> 0:05:59.600 no idea how this is going to go. But we're 0:05:59.600 --> 0:06:01.400 going to see see how we stack up. And we 0:06:01.440 --> 0:06:04.160 hope the audience you all listen as well and see 0:06:04.520 --> 0:06:07.120 how you all stack up. So go ahead, right ahead, Eddie, 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:07.720 all right. 0:06:07.839 --> 0:06:13.239 At number one, the couples with good communication skills stay 0:06:13.320 --> 0:06:15.640 present and engaged in conversation. 0:06:17.360 --> 0:06:20.440 Yes, we do that sometimes. Maybe it'd be better if 0:06:20.440 --> 0:06:25.080 we were less engaged sometimes, geez, But no, we are. 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:27.960 I believe that we're present and engaged when we're communicating. 0:06:27.960 --> 0:06:31.279 That was that was a good start, right there. Any Yes, 0:06:31.320 --> 0:06:35.599 of course we are, and we're together so often. No, 0:06:35.720 --> 0:06:39.040 when it's important, we are engaged. Oh. I don't think 0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:41.560 that's ever, ever, ever an issue where I feel like 0:06:41.600 --> 0:06:44.240 you're not listening to me when it's important. Now, on 0:06:44.360 --> 0:06:47.640 day to day stuff, I do well. I don't get frustrated. 0:06:47.680 --> 0:06:49.159 I just leave you alone now and don't say some 0:06:49.200 --> 0:06:51.680 stuff because you're staring at your phone and you kind 0:06:51.680 --> 0:06:53.719 of block everything else out, including me. 0:06:53.880 --> 0:06:56.040 Well, you know that I can't multitask, so if I'm 0:06:56.080 --> 0:06:59.039 responding to somebody on a text, it's very difficult for 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:01.680 me to then hear what you're saying. So now you 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:03.440 know that, and you do stop. You say, I'll wait 0:07:03.480 --> 0:07:05.680 till your dog, which is cool. I appreciate that. 0:07:06.200 --> 0:07:08.360 But your daughters actually are the ones who I used 0:07:08.400 --> 0:07:10.880 to hear them sometimes in the room, like, why are 0:07:10.880 --> 0:07:14.040 they calling their mother by her first name, because that's 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:17.040 the way they can get you to engage and to 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:18.800 get your attention, Amy. 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:21.400 Amy, and you look up if they're saying mom, Mom, Mom. 0:07:21.480 --> 0:07:23.720 It actually is just like okay, y'all, just wait. 0:07:24.600 --> 0:07:26.080 I think we're good on that one. Yes, we are 0:07:26.080 --> 0:07:28.560 always president engaged during conversation. 0:07:28.520 --> 0:07:28.920 All right. 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:32.800 Number two is they make time for real conversations. 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:37.119 Oh god, yeah, yes, oh my god. 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:39.920 Yeah, instead of sweeping it under the rug, which is 0:07:39.960 --> 0:07:42.800 what you know. I understand, especially when people are busy 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:44.640 or you just or maybe you don't want to bring 0:07:44.720 --> 0:07:46.920 something up and so you just kind of kick the 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:49.400 can down the road for another But that to me 0:07:50.000 --> 0:07:53.920 is asking for a powder KEG explosion later. That is 0:07:53.960 --> 0:07:54.880 the problem with that. 0:07:55.400 --> 0:07:57.160 Don't you hate those fights for you you have with 0:07:57.200 --> 0:08:01.239 somebody And they say, and yeah, last Christmas went like wait. 0:08:01.080 --> 0:08:04.520 A minute, right, remember three months ago? Yeah? I never 0:08:04.560 --> 0:08:06.200 said this now, but I'm going to bring it up now. 0:08:06.280 --> 0:08:08.560 Okay. Those things are horrible and there are some partners 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:10.280 who hold on. They just waiting. 0:08:10.280 --> 0:08:14.080 The stockpile ammunition. I have been the recipient of that, 0:08:14.160 --> 0:08:16.000 and I don't appreciate it. If you don't like something, 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:17.960 I've always said this. If you don't like something I 0:08:18.000 --> 0:08:20.800 did or said, say it in the moment and try 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:23.720 to say it in a kind way, like, hey, I 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:25.200 know you might not have meant to do this, but 0:08:25.280 --> 0:08:28.240 this is what it felt like. Addressing it when it 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:31.760 happens is sometimes hard, but is always better. 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:33.960 Oh yeah, I don't like holding on. I don't like 0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:34.280 hold on. 0:08:34.320 --> 0:08:34.800 I don't either. 0:08:35.240 --> 0:08:36.400 No. No, oh wow. 0:08:45.960 --> 0:08:48.440 Number three. They apologize and they forgive. 0:08:49.520 --> 0:08:53.360 Yeah, I mean you know what eventually? No, I mean 0:08:53.480 --> 0:08:57.040 I think sometimes it takes forget. Sometimes it takes a day, 0:08:57.080 --> 0:08:59.560 sometimes it takes a couple hours, but we have always 0:09:00.080 --> 0:09:05.000 ultimately apologized and forgiven. I think, yes, forgiving. I think 0:09:05.000 --> 0:09:05.400 it's harder. 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:07.920 Sometimes. I think you would agree with this. It takes 0:09:07.960 --> 0:09:11.080 you longer to apologize, it takes me longer to forgive. 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:15.040 Yep. That is absolutely true. Yes, that is absolutely true. 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:18.200 I it takes me sometimes I have to sleep on 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:21.680 it because I think because I think I'm right, and 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:26.720 I'm boiling for the night, and then usually in the 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:29.240 morning I have clarity and then you're like, yeah, I'm 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:31.080 going to need another day to forgive you. Yeah, so 0:09:31.160 --> 0:09:34.280 that's unfortunate. You're You're really bad at the lag time 0:09:34.280 --> 0:09:36.240 of forgiveness. Very hard for me. 0:09:36.400 --> 0:09:36.920 Trying to do. 0:09:36.880 --> 0:09:40.120 Better yep, And I'm trying to do better at apologizing quicker. 0:09:39.840 --> 0:09:43.840 And I will not. You almost barely have time to 0:09:43.880 --> 0:09:46.079 get on to me about something because I will apologize 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:48.400 for things that you didn't even notice, you'd even see. 0:09:48.480 --> 0:09:50.959 I have no problem saying I am sorry. 0:09:51.440 --> 0:09:54.320 Yeah, yes, But you just say I'm sorry and leave 0:09:54.360 --> 0:09:56.040 it at that. You don't usually go into an explanation 0:09:56.080 --> 0:09:57.000 as to why you did it. 0:09:57.040 --> 0:09:58.000 What more do you need? 0:09:58.200 --> 0:10:01.800 I think sometimes women like to hear the women. 0:10:01.960 --> 0:10:02.960 Let's just talk about you. 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:04.920 Okay, But I do think it is a man woman, thank. 0:10:04.840 --> 0:10:06.560 Okay, let's talk about you, though. What you need. 0:10:06.880 --> 0:10:10.760 Well, I think sometimes knowing that you're taking the time 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:17.480 to explain why you are sorry is helpful in forgiving someone. 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:21.520 Okay, you're you're okay, I'm with you. Yes, But there 0:10:21.559 --> 0:10:24.000 have been times. I remember one that happened actually in 0:10:24.080 --> 0:10:26.720 this place to where I don't even know if you 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:29.679 noticed it, but I said, hey, I apologize. I brought 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:31.719 something up there in mixed company, and I don't think 0:10:31.720 --> 0:10:33.880 I should have. I just wanted to, and I did. 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:37.000 I remember that particular, and I appreciate that, I will say, 0:10:37.240 --> 0:10:39.200 and I don't know if you feel the same way. 0:10:39.240 --> 0:10:41.480 I'm curious if you do. But when you do add 0:10:41.520 --> 0:10:44.959 an explanation, it's so much easier to forgive. I'm like, 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:48.880 I get it because he gets it, and he understands 0:10:49.520 --> 0:10:51.120 in a way that I don't even have to be 0:10:51.200 --> 0:10:55.479 angry anymore because he's gonna do better. Do you appreciate 0:10:55.520 --> 0:10:58.600 an explanation or do you think that's defense? See that's 0:10:58.640 --> 0:11:02.560 where it gets sticky, because sometimes when you're explaining while 0:11:02.559 --> 0:11:06.880 you're apologizing, it sounds as though maybe you're defending it 0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:08.920 or you're giving an excuse as to why you did it. 0:11:09.040 --> 0:11:12.360 Look, there are reasons for things. There are reasons people 0:11:12.440 --> 0:11:14.679 do things that don't have to be interpret as an excuse. 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:17.280 There are ways you communicate. Sometimes I'll say you just 0:11:17.320 --> 0:11:20.840 people in general, where you are making an excuse, you 0:11:20.880 --> 0:11:23.680 are explaining it in such a way that you are saying, well, 0:11:23.720 --> 0:11:26.480 don't hold me so accountable for that, because da da 0:11:26.520 --> 0:11:28.679 da da da. At the same time, there can just 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:30.640 be reasons for you doing things, but you still did it. 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:33.600 It's okay to hear the reason. That's fine when I yeah, 0:11:33.640 --> 0:11:37.360 when I when I hear anyone trying to lessen the 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:41.360 impact of the hurt that they may have caused another 0:11:41.480 --> 0:11:45.160 based on well, listen to me and my explanation and 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:47.560 my reasoning, that can sometimes be right. 0:11:47.720 --> 0:11:50.280 Or if that comes before the apology, then it feels 0:11:50.320 --> 0:11:52.480 the apology doesn't feel quite as strong. 0:11:52.880 --> 0:11:55.360 Yeah, I will. I don't know. I just I will 0:11:55.360 --> 0:11:58.120 have no problem apologizing when I screw up, and it's. 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:00.680 Often just work on that forgiving and I'll work on 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:01.359 the apologizing. 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:02.040 All right. 0:12:02.080 --> 0:12:05.600 So we're that was we had a breakthrough, but I 0:12:05.600 --> 0:12:07.640 don't know that that one was solidly in our corner. 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:11.040 We went for some real conversations, So that's nice. 0:12:11.880 --> 0:12:13.200 This is why I don't like to hear him ahead 0:12:13.240 --> 0:12:15.760 of time because we just engaged in something I had 0:12:15.800 --> 0:12:17.200 no idea we would, all right. 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:22.880 Number four is they practice active listening. And I want 0:12:22.880 --> 0:12:24.840 to preface that one by just asking what both of 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:27.960 your definitions of active listening are, because it is different 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:29.160 for people. 0:12:30.000 --> 0:12:34.240 Yeah, I'm active listening means I am, my opinion, making 0:12:34.280 --> 0:12:38.200 eye contact and really taking in what they're saying, and 0:12:39.840 --> 0:12:42.800 maybe even responding with facial expressions in a supportive way 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:45.120 versus in a I can't believe you just said that way. 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:51.920 It's no eye rolling engagement, and I think response you 0:12:51.960 --> 0:12:53.880 said kind of a gift. Some it could be a 0:12:53.920 --> 0:12:57.920 facial expression, but an acknowledgment sometimes by asking a follow up, 0:12:57.960 --> 0:13:00.920 why somebody's talking where it's clear that that person is 0:13:00.960 --> 0:13:03.480 paying attention to what you're saying. I think those So 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:06.240 is there some other definition? And what do they call active? 0:13:06.640 --> 0:13:10.000 Active listening is involved paying full attention to what someone 0:13:10.120 --> 0:13:14.400 is saying, understanding their perspective, and then responding thoughtfully. 0:13:14.480 --> 0:13:18.959 And not reaction based response like it's actually just responding. 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:20.800 With yeah, I know you think you're good at that. 0:13:21.200 --> 0:13:24.040 I think I'm getting better at it. I don't think 0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:27.160 it was one of my strong suits. I think you 0:13:27.240 --> 0:13:32.280 and I both know that I get very passionate and 0:13:32.320 --> 0:13:35.040 I had a bad habit of interrupting, and I have 0:13:35.120 --> 0:13:38.040 worked on it. And I hope that you've seen improvement. 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:44.600 Maybe not, Yes, you're aware. Look, I've been around. You 0:13:44.679 --> 0:13:46.920 explained it, and your mom explained it like you were 0:13:47.120 --> 0:13:49.440 how many she's one of what nine? One of nine? 0:13:49.800 --> 0:13:51.839 So this family like if you didn't jump in there, 0:13:51.840 --> 0:13:54.160 you never gonna get hurt. You better, And I guess 0:13:54.200 --> 0:13:55.360 just the whole family thing, you guess. 0:13:55.600 --> 0:13:57.320 I was raised in a family where we were all 0:13:57.440 --> 0:13:59.400 kind of shouting down each other just to and it 0:13:59.480 --> 0:14:01.840 wasn't in a negative way. Everybody was kind of like 0:14:01.960 --> 0:14:06.040 enthusiastically participating. But actually I can understand from an outsider's 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:09.000 perspective how rude that seems. And so it's a habit 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:13.080 that i've It was never done in a fight, necessarily 0:14:13.160 --> 0:14:16.240 or in a negative environment, but it translates over to that, 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:19.600 or it spills over into that, because that's just how 0:14:19.680 --> 0:14:21.040 I had grown up communicating. 0:14:21.040 --> 0:14:22.880 But it translates to the person you're talking to as 0:14:22.880 --> 0:14:25.160 a lack of respect for what they're saying. He's just talking, 0:14:25.200 --> 0:14:27.400 and there's over people talk over each other as your 0:14:27.480 --> 0:14:29.840 in normal conversation, there's just kind of that over talk. 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:32.880 But the one for me if I can tell when 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:36.520 somebody already knows what they're going to say and they're 0:14:36.560 --> 0:14:38.760 just not listening. They just wait on me to stop 0:14:38.800 --> 0:14:42.680 talking and whatever, it doesn't matter. It's very go. We've 0:14:42.680 --> 0:14:44.920 seen this. We used talk about this in television sometimes 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:47.440 that some people, some interviewers will screw up because they 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:50.360 have a list of questions and they're not paying attention 0:14:50.480 --> 0:14:52.640 to the person they're interviewing, and they say the mouse 0:14:52.720 --> 0:14:54.880 outlandish thing, and they just go right to the next 0:14:54.960 --> 0:14:57.760 question because they're not listening to what the person. 0:14:57.840 --> 0:15:00.440 They miss an opportunity to really have a an in 0:15:00.520 --> 0:15:03.960 depth conversation. That happens all the time in especially when 0:15:04.000 --> 0:15:06.240 you're new to the business. You're just so worried about 0:15:06.240 --> 0:15:08.440 getting the next question right, you weren't listening to the 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:09.920 person you're actually interviewing. 0:15:10.000 --> 0:15:13.560 So I feel that way sometimes in conversation with you. 0:15:13.560 --> 0:15:16.960 You know that, Yep, my favorite thing to do are 0:15:17.040 --> 0:15:19.360 used to. I don't do this anymore. I would be 0:15:19.400 --> 0:15:21.920 saying something you would shout me down. I would just 0:15:21.960 --> 0:15:24.640 stop talking. I would I wouldn't try to keep talking. 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:26.920 I wouldn't say you didn't you interrupted me. I just 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:30.160 stopped and after a while you said, oh my god, 0:15:30.200 --> 0:15:30.800 I'm so sorry. 0:15:32.240 --> 0:15:35.160 It's very effective to just I mean, silence is actually 0:15:35.280 --> 0:15:38.400 very powerful, and you know how to harness that one. 0:15:38.800 --> 0:15:42.840 Wow, we're really, no, really, we're the opposite in that way. 0:15:43.000 --> 0:15:45.960 You're really you're a chatty, chatty chap. I am one 0:15:46.000 --> 0:15:49.520 that will sit back in a group. I don't need 0:15:49.520 --> 0:15:52.920 to talk. As crazy as that sounds, I'm not the outgoing, 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:53.800 I'm not the extrovert. 0:15:53.840 --> 0:15:54.360 That's true. 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:56.960 That's true, all right. I don't know. I feel like 0:15:56.960 --> 0:15:59.480 our relationship is going sideways. Now should we even go 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:00.040 to number. 0:15:59.840 --> 0:16:04.800 Of Number five? Is they're honest with each other. 0:16:05.800 --> 0:16:09.400 We are very honest with each other. Yes, that is 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:12.120 not a problem. Oh my goodness, not a problem at all. 0:16:12.160 --> 0:16:12.960 In fact, too honest. 0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:17.760 Sometimes maybe we just have to be And certainly that's 0:16:16.800 --> 0:16:20.160 my life is in your hand. You and I are 0:16:20.400 --> 0:16:22.640 are linked together in the way through friendship and love 0:16:22.720 --> 0:16:25.760 and family in a way that just we have to 0:16:25.800 --> 0:16:26.640 be honest with each other. 0:16:26.760 --> 0:16:28.320 Yeah, there's no space for anything but that. 0:16:28.280 --> 0:16:32.480 That's really, I'm trying to think of something I've I'm 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:34.160 keeping something from you right now? 0:16:34.880 --> 0:16:37.440 Do you think white lies almost not white lies, but 0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:39.320 something that's almost like, oh. 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:42.440 You don't do white lies, you don't know. And even 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:44.320 if it's a little like oh that that might have 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:46.880 stung a little bit. I part of me also appreciates 0:16:46.880 --> 0:16:49.480 the fact that you are when you say something, you 0:16:49.560 --> 0:16:52.280 mean it. I do think when you can practice that 0:16:52.520 --> 0:16:55.480 and avoiding the white lies finding another way maybe, but 0:16:56.200 --> 0:16:59.280 that to me establishes when you do actually give someone 0:16:59.320 --> 0:17:01.440 a compliment, or you do actually have something kind or 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:04.040 loving to say, it has more of an impact because 0:17:04.080 --> 0:17:07.360 it's real. It's not just lip service. So I think 0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:10.000 a lot of us get into the habit of trying 0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:13.359 to make other people feel good about themselves even though 0:17:13.400 --> 0:17:16.400 it's not maybe something that they should feel good about, 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:19.320 and that's doesn't do anybody any good. So, you know, 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:22.760 I think that's a it's you're trying to be polite, 0:17:22.760 --> 0:17:24.960 but it ends up doing more harm. 0:17:25.040 --> 0:17:27.320 We had that was six number six. 0:17:27.680 --> 0:17:30.480 They use eye statements during conflicts. 0:17:33.080 --> 0:17:38.280 That's a good thing. Yes, So like you right, so 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:40.680 is it a pointive thing? There you go? I get 0:17:40.720 --> 0:17:42.960 that's a that's a tactic in therapy that you learn 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:45.480 and when you're arguing with someone or having a difficult conversation. 0:17:45.880 --> 0:17:50.080 Instead of saying, you left your clothes on the floor 0:17:50.080 --> 0:17:52.560 and then you didn't apologize and then you called something, 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:56.119 you know, Instead of saying I felt like like, you 0:17:56.119 --> 0:17:59.040 would say like I felt upset or I felt sad 0:18:00.200 --> 0:18:02.680 when I saw the closer on the floor because I 0:18:02.760 --> 0:18:04.520 knew I was gonna have to pick them up. So 0:18:04.560 --> 0:18:07.760 you're saying how you feel versus what you did, how 0:18:07.840 --> 0:18:09.040 I feel versus what you did. 0:18:09.119 --> 0:18:09.800 So do we do that? 0:18:10.320 --> 0:18:12.320 I don't think so, but we could try that. 0:18:12.480 --> 0:18:13.479 We don't do the eye thing. 0:18:15.160 --> 0:18:17.480 I think we're more like, hey, why did you do 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:20.760 that or why did you say that? Versus I felt 0:18:20.800 --> 0:18:23.800 like this when you said this, I don't. We haven't 0:18:23.840 --> 0:18:24.760 employed that skill. 0:18:25.600 --> 0:18:27.560 Huh, I can try it. I'm trying to think of 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:29.959 the last back and forth, the disagreement we had and 0:18:30.040 --> 0:18:33.320 what was said and how it was said. I actually 0:18:33.359 --> 0:18:36.800 cannot remember. I don't, but it doesn't sound like I 0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:40.600 think back and I don't think our conflicts involved us 0:18:40.600 --> 0:18:43.600 speaking in an accusatory way. You you this, I don't 0:18:43.680 --> 0:18:44.600 think that but if. 0:18:44.480 --> 0:18:47.560 We ever got to that point, I do get that. 0:18:47.560 --> 0:18:51.359 That is you're instead of putting something on someone else 0:18:51.720 --> 0:18:54.280 and accusing them of something, you're just owning how you 0:18:54.359 --> 0:18:58.720 felt in the moment, and that maybe softens the defensiveness 0:18:58.720 --> 0:18:59.520 from the other person. 0:19:00.080 --> 0:19:01.480 All right, what's the number seventh? 0:19:01.840 --> 0:19:04.320 Number seven? Is they check in regularly? 0:19:05.960 --> 0:19:08.160 We don't even have to check going to number eight. 0:19:08.359 --> 0:19:13.480 We're always together. We know each other's temperature twenty four 0:19:13.480 --> 0:19:13.960 hours a day. 0:19:14.040 --> 0:19:16.919 Okay. Checking in is yelling, hey so hard, need me 0:19:16.960 --> 0:19:20.639 to bring anything from the kitchen? That's that's me checking 0:19:20.680 --> 0:19:22.920 in with her in the other room. That's yeah, weird 0:19:22.920 --> 0:19:24.280 to get we got that one. And when we're not 0:19:24.359 --> 0:19:26.440