Speaker 1: Hey, they're folks in this episode of Amy and TJ.
Speaker 1: So you think you and your partner communicate well and
Speaker 1: that it's key to your successful relationship, but we will
Speaker 1: see about that. Welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. Yes,
Speaker 1: we are going to test it a lot of people,
Speaker 1: and it's key right to relationship communication. But we have
Speaker 1: a little test here, some questions that we are going
Speaker 1: to ask people to see whether or not you actually
Speaker 1: are communicating a way that's successful. Couples say they communicate.
Speaker 2: Yeah, successful couples. But I would say everyone, I would
Speaker 2: think it's a universal thing to struggle with communication. If
Speaker 2: you don't struggle with communication, I would say you probably
Speaker 2: never fight because the fights are almost always about miscommunication,
Speaker 2: misguided feelings, interpreting what someone meant to say versus what
Speaker 2: they did say. I at least am speaking from experience
Speaker 2: with you, and I I think that my mom has
Speaker 2: always said, you're never fighting about what you're fighting about.
Speaker 2: So there's always something deeper and something one or both
Speaker 2: aren't getting. So communication, oh my god, it is so much.
Speaker 1: And our good friend doctor Jeff Gardier, that many of
Speaker 1: you will know, he's the one that says, actually that
Speaker 1: you're you're not actually your issue in relationship is not finances,
Speaker 1: it's not the kids, it's not these things. It's how
Speaker 1: you fight about it. It's not actually the thing you
Speaker 1: think you're fighting about. So I am always fascinated by this.
Speaker 1: In the idea of communication, there are a bunch of
Speaker 1: things and a bunch of reasons why relationships work. I
Speaker 1: don't know what order you would put these in, but
Speaker 1: we were talking about ahead of time, trust, friendship, sex,
Speaker 1: laughter like being able to laugh with somebody, and communication.
Speaker 1: I mean, what else goes on that list or even
Speaker 1: in what order? Would you say that those things go? Laughter, trust, friendship, sex, communication?
Speaker 2: Wow? I mean they're all so important. I mean, I
Speaker 2: would say communication is probably the most important, but I
Speaker 2: would put friendship and sex like at the same level
Speaker 2: because I believe that being with someone who you enjoy
Speaker 2: being around, Yes, who you can laugh with, that's important
Speaker 2: completely as a foundation, But you also need to have
Speaker 2: a great sex life, I think, in order for it
Speaker 2: to be a successful romantic relationship. Otherwise you're just talking
Speaker 2: about a really good friendship.
Speaker 1: And then the idea of really good friendship, what's the
Speaker 1: is it? Because I wonder if it's a man woman thing,
Speaker 1: or sometimes it's it's a me thing, because you and
Speaker 1: I communicate very differently. We do because I speak literally
Speaker 1: and you often speak emotionally. I think you'll admit that
Speaker 1: to where I am only taking into account the words
Speaker 1: coming out of your mouth and not trying to assign
Speaker 1: anything to an emotion.
Speaker 2: Which is frustrating to me because in my mind where
Speaker 2: I hopefully have some logic attached to what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: but there is emotion behind it, and sometimes what I
Speaker 2: say isn't direct or isn't specific, it's more a feeling,
Speaker 2: and you're like swimming in muddy waters and frustrated with
Speaker 2: my lack of just specificity and logic, where I'm more like,
Speaker 2: this is what I'm feeling, this is what I think
Speaker 2: I want, this is what you know. There's ambiguity, and
Speaker 2: you're like, I can't read between the lines, and yes.
Speaker 1: Okay, that last part is where I get in trouble,
Speaker 1: like you actually holding me accountable for not reading between
Speaker 1: lines and understanding something that did not come out of
Speaker 1: your mouth. I should have pieced it together. And that's
Speaker 1: where like, really.
Speaker 2: That's true, and when and when you take it literally
Speaker 2: and don't give it the depth or the context that
Speaker 2: I'm sharing it with you. That annoys me because I
Speaker 2: feel like you're doing it on purpose, like you're almost
Speaker 2: like holding it over my head, like, well, if you
Speaker 2: had meant to say that, that's what you should have said.
Speaker 1: So no better than that now, Oh yes, oh.
Speaker 2: Okay, you know in the middle of a fight, that's
Speaker 2: how it feelsh. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Because I am the opposite in where you're talking to
Speaker 1: me and holding me accountable for what you think I meant.
Speaker 1: And I looked you right in the face, I said, sweetheart,
Speaker 1: you know me, I absolutely just said what I meant.
Speaker 1: There is no need for interpretation, There no line you
Speaker 1: need to between. And so is that a man woman.
Speaker 2: Thing I I do? And it's funny because when I
Speaker 2: just said you know what I mean? You know what
Speaker 2: you usually say when I say you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Hardly ever, that is exactly how it goes. Why it is,
Speaker 1: I don't know how to adjust. The adjustment is to
Speaker 1: not take you for what just came out of your
Speaker 1: mouth or take it with a grain of salt. Okay,
Speaker 1: maybe she didn't mean that, and it's just difficult in
Speaker 1: the moment to so, and you have to tell me
Speaker 1: that's got to be a sign. You've got to do
Speaker 1: something to where I have a signal to wear. Okay,
Speaker 1: this is where TJ don't take everything she says.
Speaker 2: I would just say always always.
Speaker 1: Okay. Yes, So when you say I love you, should
Speaker 1: I interpret that as well to mean something else?
Speaker 2: Yes? What? Because it could mean like at that moment,
Speaker 2: I love you so much, or it could mean I
Speaker 2: love you and that's why I'm not going to get
Speaker 2: upset right now, or you know, there's just there are
Speaker 2: can be different ways and reasons why you say I
Speaker 2: love you.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that that's not true. It just means
Speaker 2: there's more context.
Speaker 1: Oh my, So this is what we're talking about, folks. Communication.
Speaker 1: Communication is always key. So you'll heard plenty of time
Speaker 1: talk about our super producer, Andy Pulls the We haven't
Speaker 1: gotten one of these in a while, so we've kind
Speaker 1: of been itching to do him. But he has a
Speaker 1: great relationship one having to do with communication. So Andy,
Speaker 1: you guide us through. Tell us what this list is.
Speaker 3: First of all, all right, so this list comes from
Speaker 3: bold dot Com. It's couples with strong communication skills all
Speaker 3: share these same habits. It's some of the most important
Speaker 3: skills you have in a relationship. It's going to keep
Speaker 3: you connected when times are good and when times are rough.
Speaker 1: Okay, how many you got? There are ten of them? Okay,
Speaker 1: so we have not heard these. Nope, So we have
Speaker 1: no idea how this is going to go. But we're
Speaker 1: going to see see how we stack up. And we
Speaker 1: hope the audience you all listen as well and see
Speaker 1: how you all stack up. So go ahead, right ahead, Eddie,
Speaker 1: all right.
Speaker 3: At number one, the couples with good communication skills stay
Speaker 3: present and engaged in conversation.
Speaker 2: Yes, we do that sometimes. Maybe it'd be better if
Speaker 2: we were less engaged sometimes, geez, But no, we are.
Speaker 2: I believe that we're present and engaged when we're communicating.
Speaker 1: That was that was a good start, right there. Any Yes,
Speaker 1: of course we are, and we're together so often. No,
Speaker 1: when it's important, we are engaged. Oh. I don't think
Speaker 1: that's ever, ever, ever an issue where I feel like
Speaker 1: you're not listening to me when it's important. Now, on
Speaker 1: day to day stuff, I do well. I don't get frustrated.
Speaker 1: I just leave you alone now and don't say some
Speaker 1: stuff because you're staring at your phone and you kind
Speaker 1: of block everything else out, including me.
Speaker 2: Well, you know that I can't multitask, so if I'm
Speaker 2: responding to somebody on a text, it's very difficult for
Speaker 2: me to then hear what you're saying. So now you
Speaker 2: know that, and you do stop. You say, I'll wait
Speaker 2: till your dog, which is cool. I appreciate that.
Speaker 1: But your daughters actually are the ones who I used
Speaker 1: to hear them sometimes in the room, like, why are
Speaker 1: they calling their mother by her first name, because that's
Speaker 1: the way they can get you to engage and to
Speaker 1: get your attention, Amy.
Speaker 2: Amy, and you look up if they're saying mom, Mom, Mom.
Speaker 2: It actually is just like okay, y'all, just wait.
Speaker 1: I think we're good on that one. Yes, we are
Speaker 1: always president engaged during conversation.
Speaker 2: All right.
Speaker 3: Number two is they make time for real conversations.
Speaker 1: Oh god, yeah, yes, oh my god.
Speaker 2: Yeah, instead of sweeping it under the rug, which is
Speaker 2: what you know. I understand, especially when people are busy
Speaker 2: or you just or maybe you don't want to bring
Speaker 2: something up and so you just kind of kick the
Speaker 2: can down the road for another But that to me
Speaker 2: is asking for a powder KEG explosion later. That is
Speaker 2: the problem with that.
Speaker 1: Don't you hate those fights for you you have with
Speaker 1: somebody And they say, and yeah, last Christmas went like wait.
Speaker 2: A minute, right, remember three months ago? Yeah? I never
Speaker 2: said this now, but I'm going to bring it up now.
Speaker 1: Okay. Those things are horrible and there are some partners
Speaker 1: who hold on. They just waiting.
Speaker 2: The stockpile ammunition. I have been the recipient of that,
Speaker 2: and I don't appreciate it. If you don't like something,
Speaker 2: I've always said this. If you don't like something I
Speaker 2: did or said, say it in the moment and try
Speaker 2: to say it in a kind way, like, hey, I
Speaker 2: know you might not have meant to do this, but
Speaker 2: this is what it felt like. Addressing it when it
Speaker 2: happens is sometimes hard, but is always better.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I don't like holding on. I don't like
Speaker 1: hold on.
Speaker 2: I don't either.
Speaker 1: No. No, oh wow.
Speaker 3: Number three. They apologize and they forgive.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean you know what eventually? No, I mean
Speaker 2: I think sometimes it takes forget. Sometimes it takes a day,
Speaker 2: sometimes it takes a couple hours, but we have always
Speaker 2: ultimately apologized and forgiven. I think, yes, forgiving. I think
Speaker 2: it's harder.
Speaker 1: Sometimes. I think you would agree with this. It takes
Speaker 1: you longer to apologize, it takes me longer to forgive.
Speaker 2: Yep. That is absolutely true. Yes, that is absolutely true.
Speaker 2: I it takes me sometimes I have to sleep on
Speaker 2: it because I think because I think I'm right, and
Speaker 2: I'm boiling for the night, and then usually in the
Speaker 2: morning I have clarity and then you're like, yeah, I'm
Speaker 2: going to need another day to forgive you. Yeah, so
Speaker 2: that's unfortunate. You're You're really bad at the lag time
Speaker 2: of forgiveness. Very hard for me.
Speaker 1: Trying to do.
Speaker 2: Better yep, And I'm trying to do better at apologizing quicker.
Speaker 1: And I will not. You almost barely have time to
Speaker 1: get on to me about something because I will apologize
Speaker 1: for things that you didn't even notice, you'd even see.
Speaker 1: I have no problem saying I am sorry.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, But you just say I'm sorry and leave
Speaker 2: it at that. You don't usually go into an explanation
Speaker 2: as to why you did it.
Speaker 1: What more do you need?
Speaker 2: I think sometimes women like to hear the women.
Speaker 1: Let's just talk about you.
Speaker 2: Okay, But I do think it is a man woman, thank.
Speaker 1: Okay, let's talk about you, though. What you need.
Speaker 2: Well, I think sometimes knowing that you're taking the time
Speaker 2: to explain why you are sorry is helpful in forgiving someone.
Speaker 1: Okay, you're you're okay, I'm with you. Yes, But there
Speaker 1: have been times. I remember one that happened actually in
Speaker 1: this place to where I don't even know if you
Speaker 1: noticed it, but I said, hey, I apologize. I brought
Speaker 1: something up there in mixed company, and I don't think
Speaker 1: I should have. I just wanted to, and I did.
Speaker 2: I remember that particular, and I appreciate that, I will say,
Speaker 2: and I don't know if you feel the same way.
Speaker 2: I'm curious if you do. But when you do add
Speaker 2: an explanation, it's so much easier to forgive. I'm like,
Speaker 2: I get it because he gets it, and he understands
Speaker 2: in a way that I don't even have to be
Speaker 2: angry anymore because he's gonna do better. Do you appreciate
Speaker 2: an explanation or do you think that's defense? See that's
Speaker 2: where it gets sticky, because sometimes when you're explaining while
Speaker 2: you're apologizing, it sounds as though maybe you're defending it
Speaker 2: or you're giving an excuse as to why you did it.
Speaker 1: Look, there are reasons for things. There are reasons people
Speaker 1: do things that don't have to be interpret as an excuse.
Speaker 1: There are ways you communicate. Sometimes I'll say you just
Speaker 1: people in general, where you are making an excuse, you
Speaker 1: are explaining it in such a way that you are saying, well,
Speaker 1: don't hold me so accountable for that, because da da
Speaker 1: da da da. At the same time, there can just
Speaker 1: be reasons for you doing things, but you still did it.
Speaker 1: It's okay to hear the reason. That's fine when I yeah,
Speaker 1: when I when I hear anyone trying to lessen the
Speaker 1: impact of the hurt that they may have caused another
Speaker 1: based on well, listen to me and my explanation and
Speaker 1: my reasoning, that can sometimes be right.
Speaker 2: Or if that comes before the apology, then it feels
Speaker 2: the apology doesn't feel quite as strong.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I will. I don't know. I just I will
Speaker 1: have no problem apologizing when I screw up, and it's.
Speaker 2: Often just work on that forgiving and I'll work on
Speaker 2: the apologizing.
Speaker 1: All right.
Speaker 2: So we're that was we had a breakthrough, but I
Speaker 2: don't know that that one was solidly in our corner.
Speaker 3: We went for some real conversations, So that's nice.
Speaker 1: This is why I don't like to hear him ahead
Speaker 1: of time because we just engaged in something I had
Speaker 1: no idea we would, all right.
Speaker 3: Number four is they practice active listening. And I want
Speaker 3: to preface that one by just asking what both of
Speaker 3: your definitions of active listening are, because it is different
Speaker 3: for people.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm active listening means I am, my opinion, making
Speaker 2: eye contact and really taking in what they're saying, and
Speaker 2: maybe even responding with facial expressions in a supportive way
Speaker 2: versus in a I can't believe you just said that way.
Speaker 1: It's no eye rolling engagement, and I think response you
Speaker 1: said kind of a gift. Some it could be a
Speaker 1: facial expression, but an acknowledgment sometimes by asking a follow up,
Speaker 1: why somebody's talking where it's clear that that person is
Speaker 1: paying attention to what you're saying. I think those So
Speaker 1: is there some other definition? And what do they call active?
Speaker 3: Active listening is involved paying full attention to what someone
Speaker 3: is saying, understanding their perspective, and then responding thoughtfully.
Speaker 2: And not reaction based response like it's actually just responding.
Speaker 1: With yeah, I know you think you're good at that.
Speaker 2: I think I'm getting better at it. I don't think
Speaker 2: it was one of my strong suits. I think you
Speaker 2: and I both know that I get very passionate and
Speaker 2: I had a bad habit of interrupting, and I have
Speaker 2: worked on it. And I hope that you've seen improvement.
Speaker 1: Maybe not, Yes, you're aware. Look, I've been around. You
Speaker 1: explained it, and your mom explained it like you were
Speaker 1: how many she's one of what nine? One of nine?
Speaker 1: So this family like if you didn't jump in there,
Speaker 1: you never gonna get hurt. You better, And I guess
Speaker 1: just the whole family thing, you guess.
Speaker 2: I was raised in a family where we were all
Speaker 2: kind of shouting down each other just to and it
Speaker 2: wasn't in a negative way. Everybody was kind of like
Speaker 2: enthusiastically participating. But actually I can understand from an outsider's
Speaker 2: perspective how rude that seems. And so it's a habit
Speaker 2: that i've It was never done in a fight, necessarily
Speaker 2: or in a negative environment, but it translates over to that,
Speaker 2: or it spills over into that, because that's just how
Speaker 2: I had grown up communicating.
Speaker 1: But it translates to the person you're talking to as
Speaker 1: a lack of respect for what they're saying. He's just talking,
Speaker 1: and there's over people talk over each other as your
Speaker 1: in normal conversation, there's just kind of that over talk.
Speaker 1: But the one for me if I can tell when
Speaker 1: somebody already knows what they're going to say and they're
Speaker 1: just not listening. They just wait on me to stop
Speaker 1: talking and whatever, it doesn't matter. It's very go. We've
Speaker 1: seen this. We used talk about this in television sometimes
Speaker 1: that some people, some interviewers will screw up because they
Speaker 1: have a list of questions and they're not paying attention
Speaker 1: to the person they're interviewing, and they say the mouse
Speaker 1: outlandish thing, and they just go right to the next
Speaker 1: question because they're not listening to what the person.
Speaker 2: They miss an opportunity to really have a an in
Speaker 2: depth conversation. That happens all the time in especially when
Speaker 2: you're new to the business. You're just so worried about
Speaker 2: getting the next question right, you weren't listening to the
Speaker 2: person you're actually interviewing.
Speaker 1: So I feel that way sometimes in conversation with you.
Speaker 1: You know that, Yep, my favorite thing to do are
Speaker 1: used to. I don't do this anymore. I would be
Speaker 1: saying something you would shout me down. I would just
Speaker 1: stop talking. I would I wouldn't try to keep talking.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say you didn't you interrupted me. I just
Speaker 1: stopped and after a while you said, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2: It's very effective to just I mean, silence is actually
Speaker 2: very powerful, and you know how to harness that one.
Speaker 1: Wow, we're really, no, really, we're the opposite in that way.
Speaker 1: You're really you're a chatty, chatty chap. I am one
Speaker 1: that will sit back in a group. I don't need
Speaker 1: to talk. As crazy as that sounds, I'm not the outgoing,
Speaker 1: I'm not the extrovert.
Speaker 2: That's true.
Speaker 1: That's true, all right. I don't know. I feel like
Speaker 1: our relationship is going sideways. Now should we even go
Speaker 1: to number.
Speaker 3: Of Number five? Is they're honest with each other.
Speaker 2: We are very honest with each other. Yes, that is
Speaker 2: not a problem. Oh my goodness, not a problem at all.
Speaker 2: In fact, too honest.
Speaker 1: Sometimes maybe we just have to be And certainly that's
Speaker 1: my life is in your hand. You and I are
Speaker 1: are linked together in the way through friendship and love
Speaker 1: and family in a way that just we have to
Speaker 1: be honest with each other.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's no space for anything but that.
Speaker 1: That's really, I'm trying to think of something I've I'm
Speaker 1: keeping something from you right now?
Speaker 3: Do you think white lies almost not white lies, but
Speaker 3: something that's almost like, oh.
Speaker 2: You don't do white lies, you don't know. And even
Speaker 2: if it's a little like oh that that might have
Speaker 2: stung a little bit. I part of me also appreciates
Speaker 2: the fact that you are when you say something, you
Speaker 2: mean it. I do think when you can practice that
Speaker 2: and avoiding the white lies finding another way maybe, but
Speaker 2: that to me establishes when you do actually give someone
Speaker 2: a compliment, or you do actually have something kind or
Speaker 2: loving to say, it has more of an impact because
Speaker 2: it's real. It's not just lip service. So I think
Speaker 2: a lot of us get into the habit of trying
Speaker 2: to make other people feel good about themselves even though
Speaker 2: it's not maybe something that they should feel good about,
Speaker 2: and that's doesn't do anybody any good. So, you know,
Speaker 2: I think that's a it's you're trying to be polite,
Speaker 2: but it ends up doing more harm.
Speaker 1: We had that was six number six.
Speaker 3: They use eye statements during conflicts.
Speaker 2: That's a good thing. Yes, So like you right, so
Speaker 2: is it a pointive thing? There you go? I get
Speaker 2: that's a that's a tactic in therapy that you learn
Speaker 2: and when you're arguing with someone or having a difficult conversation.
Speaker 2: Instead of saying, you left your clothes on the floor
Speaker 2: and then you didn't apologize and then you called something,
Speaker 2: you know, Instead of saying I felt like like, you
Speaker 2: would say like I felt upset or I felt sad
Speaker 2: when I saw the closer on the floor because I
Speaker 2: knew I was gonna have to pick them up. So
Speaker 2: you're saying how you feel versus what you did, how
Speaker 2: I feel versus what you did.
Speaker 1: So do we do that?
Speaker 2: I don't think so, but we could try that.
Speaker 1: We don't do the eye thing.
Speaker 2: I think we're more like, hey, why did you do
Speaker 2: that or why did you say that? Versus I felt
Speaker 2: like this when you said this, I don't. We haven't
Speaker 2: employed that skill.
Speaker 1: Huh, I can try it. I'm trying to think of
Speaker 1: the last back and forth, the disagreement we had and
Speaker 1: what was said and how it was said. I actually
Speaker 1: cannot remember. I don't, but it doesn't sound like I
Speaker 1: think back and I don't think our conflicts involved us
Speaker 1: speaking in an accusatory way. You you this, I don't
Speaker 1: think that but if.
Speaker 2: We ever got to that point, I do get that.
Speaker 2: That is you're instead of putting something on someone else
Speaker 2: and accusing them of something, you're just owning how you
Speaker 2: felt in the moment, and that maybe softens the defensiveness
Speaker 2: from the other person.
Speaker 1: All right, what's the number seventh?
Speaker 3: Number seven? Is they check in regularly?
Speaker 2: We don't even have to check going to number eight.
Speaker 2: We're always together. We know each other's temperature twenty four
Speaker 2: hours a day.
Speaker 1: Okay. Checking in is yelling, hey so hard, need me
Speaker 1: to bring anything from the kitchen? That's that's me checking
Speaker 1: in with her in the other room. That's yeah, weird
Speaker 1: to get we got that one. And when we're not
Speaker 1: to and you know what, something that I don't say
Speaker 1: it bothers me. But sometimes you'll walk somewhere I know
Speaker 1: you're supposed to be somewhere in ten to fifteen minute
Speaker 1: walk and I don't hear from you for thirty minutes.
Speaker 1: It's like, hey, you're good. Did you make it to
Speaker 1: where you you're going? You know what?
Speaker 2: That is really sweet, and that is one of the
Speaker 2: many ways that I feel loved. You always say you, okay,
Speaker 2: did you make it back? If I'm even if I'm
Speaker 2: gone for fifteen minutes and I'm coming right back, you
Speaker 2: still make sure I got where I was supposed to go.
Speaker 2: That's very sweet.
Speaker 3: Do you think, though, that checking in regularly is different
Speaker 3: than real conversations.
Speaker 1: That kind of check in, like a check in on
Speaker 1: how you doing, how's your day kind of check in
Speaker 1: versus just.
Speaker 2: Yeah, See, we don't have that because we don't go
Speaker 2: to the office in you know, different offices and are
Speaker 2: apart for eight hours and want to check in. I
Speaker 2: think they're both important. And God, you don't always have
Speaker 2: to have serious conversations or like in depth conversations, right,
Speaker 2: Sometimes it's nice just to know someone's thinking of you.
Speaker 1: You know, we're blessed in that way to where I
Speaker 1: could go. I could tell anybody how you're doing, Like,
Speaker 1: I know you're I don't need to ask you. I
Speaker 1: know how you are, know how you felt when you
Speaker 1: got up, I know what's been bothering you. I know
Speaker 1: which daughter is dropping you crazy right now, I know
Speaker 1: what's going on. So we are just up on it.
Speaker 1: That much we're is intertwined in that way.
Speaker 2: So yeah, I think both are really important. I think
Speaker 2: the little check ins do matter. Yeah, I do. So.
Speaker 3: Number eight is they show empathy?
Speaker 1: Do we show empathy? That we have to because so
Speaker 1: many of our experiences, past and present, past, even before
Speaker 1: we knew each other, are so aligned that there are
Speaker 1: so few people that I can talk to that can
Speaker 1: understand some of the stuff that's going on in my life,
Speaker 1: right from where we and where the schools we go to,
Speaker 1: the parents we have, the areas we grew up, the
Speaker 1: type of things you dealt with in this school, I
Speaker 1: mean all of it, the path through marriages and career
Speaker 1: and all this stuff. There's just there's nobody I probably
Speaker 1: have more in common with than you. And so to
Speaker 1: hear you talk about certain things, my heart goes out
Speaker 1: because I can understand because I've been through it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, that makes sense. And I think also the
Speaker 2: question is when you're maybe having a disagreement or you're
Speaker 2: having a tough conversation, can you put yourself in the
Speaker 2: other person's shoes and can you say, you know, I
Speaker 2: don't feel like this, but I can try to imagine.
Speaker 2: I can I can show some sympathy or empathy. If
Speaker 2: you've been through it, yes, it's empathy, I guess If
Speaker 2: you haven't, it's sympathy, but to be able to try
Speaker 2: and to imagine what that other person's going through and
Speaker 2: use that in the communication, Use that when you're having
Speaker 2: a tough conversation and say, you know what, I want
Speaker 2: to try to look at it from his perspective. I
Speaker 2: think that's part of it too.
Speaker 1: Am I crazy that I don't do if we look
Speaker 1: at it that way? Yeah, it's I have a very
Speaker 1: difficult time and that to empathize with, because especially if
Speaker 1: you're receiving incoming right, this is a person who's beating
Speaker 1: you down, who is hurting you, who is frustrating you,
Speaker 1: who is absolutely going crazy here, And it's hard to
Speaker 1: comfort a person that is assaulting in that emotional way.
Speaker 1: At least I should say, so.
Speaker 2: That's emotionally yes, I should say that distinction. Yes, yes,
Speaker 2: But I always feel like I'm trying to do better
Speaker 2: with that too, instead of to react to feel like, Okay,
Speaker 2: what's he thinking? What's he feeling? With that kind of empathy, what.
Speaker 1: Does it always say when we have a fight. It's never,
Speaker 1: It's never. The crime is the cover up is essentially
Speaker 1: never what actually happened. It's how the defense of what
Speaker 1: happened handled, what happened is no, I cannot remember think
Speaker 1: you've ever done that actually pissed me off to the
Speaker 1: point we'd have a fight. Yeah, but it's how you
Speaker 1: respond to it.
Speaker 3: Do you respond to him based off of what you're thinking?
Speaker 3: Maybe he feels.
Speaker 2: Oh, absolutely like, and I absolutely think that causes problems
Speaker 2: because what he thinks is not what I think. And
Speaker 2: I can think I know what he thinks, but actually
Speaker 2: and I think the same as reverse. I'm like, I've
Speaker 2: even said something and you're like, that's what you thought
Speaker 2: was in my head. Lol, not that you say all
Speaker 2: the well, but that's the opposite of what I was thinking.
Speaker 2: And then I'm floored by that.
Speaker 1: You want to know what I think. Here's here's a
Speaker 1: trick I'll tell you. I mean, there's nothing else talk about.
Speaker 1: You don't have to wonder what I think. I tell you.
Speaker 2: I think that's so. I've never been with someone who
Speaker 2: just says exactly what they think. That seems impossible to me.
Speaker 2: You have to keep things and like actually be thinking
Speaker 2: things that you aren't saying.
Speaker 1: So I tell you, but you you assigned some things
Speaker 1: sometimes to where well you said this and then I
Speaker 1: thought this, But I knew that had to mean, but
Speaker 1: then it came across like, huh no.
Speaker 2: Baby, that's what women do.
Speaker 1: I said what I said, do not. This is not
Speaker 1: up for interpretation. It doesn't need to go through a
Speaker 1: filter of any kind, no Google Translate. I said it.
Speaker 1: That's what I've meant, so bad thing.
Speaker 2: And I am not like that at all. It's so funny.
Speaker 3: Number nine is they make time for laughter.
Speaker 2: Oh oh, we prioritize that and always have even in
Speaker 2: our friendship. That was I think one of our big
Speaker 2: found it. We found the same things funny. Some times
Speaker 2: it's some dark humor, but I knew I had a
Speaker 2: someone who thought things were funny that maybe other people don't.
Speaker 1: We have the same twisted sense of human and that works.
Speaker 1: We do things out. And yeah, there's some things I
Speaker 1: point out to you that I won't point out to
Speaker 1: other people correct because they would.
Speaker 2: Think I'm yeah, you know what, though, I really think
Speaker 2: laughter is our lifeblood. I really constantly.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we always have a good time. So yeah, that's
Speaker 1: a good one. Okay, okay strong Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And this final one is they express gratitude. And I'm
Speaker 3: going to kind of ask the same question they did
Speaker 3: for active listening. What do you define as gratitude.
Speaker 2: I think showing appreciation for the other person and when
Speaker 2: you see them do something for you, or yeah, to
Speaker 2: actually say out loud, I appreciate that, thank you, and
Speaker 2: I think we're good at that. I definitely feel gratitude,
Speaker 2: and you, your men, you've expressed it as well, like
Speaker 2: I feel. I feel that from you, and I I
Speaker 2: wonder if you feel that from me.
Speaker 1: Yes, I mean what does I mean? It always comes
Speaker 1: out in different ways. There's you know, I find it
Speaker 1: gratitude when you go out of your way to make
Speaker 1: sure you clean the kitchen after I cook an elaborate
Speaker 1: meal or whatever that is. There's an a pre like
Speaker 1: it's it's almost you won't allow it to happen, or
Speaker 1: you want to make sure you contribute. You want to
Speaker 1: make sure you say thank you in some way, and
Speaker 1: that happens a lot of ways. Gratitude sometimes is you saying,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going to take the longer trip
Speaker 1: to meet you there because you did all that yesterday
Speaker 1: for me and Lasson. I mean that there are little
Speaker 1: ways that it just happens, yep. But yeah, it's always
Speaker 1: nice to hear a thank you or to receive a
Speaker 1: little gift unexpectedly and you've done that. Yeah, you've done that.
Speaker 1: So yeah, we got the gratitude.
Speaker 2: Thing now, yeah we do. We are real we are
Speaker 2: really strong on that. Wow.
Speaker 3: Do you think the gratitude helps with better decision making?
Speaker 2: Absolutely? I just think having gratitude in life is important
Speaker 2: because it's so easy to complain and to point out
Speaker 2: what's wrong or what isn't good enough or what should
Speaker 2: have been done differently. But if you can like shift
Speaker 2: that and say, but what did they do right? What
Speaker 2: do they do that I appreciate and really focus on
Speaker 2: that and then acknowledge it, I think that goes a
Speaker 2: long way in having your focus shift, and that is
Speaker 2: super important, I think to a healthy relationship.
Speaker 1: And I didn't want to do I don't like doing compare.
Speaker 1: We saw our gratitude. We were on the way here
Speaker 1: and everybody looked like they were having the worst day ever. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I don't like to do the comparative suffering. So well,
Speaker 1: I feel gratitude that I am not in that position.
Speaker 1: We actually got up, I had a bad night of sleeping,
Speaker 1: was up very early and everything was off and had
Speaker 1: it was kind of a wonky morning.
Speaker 2: We're a little longer the weather.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I'm feeling great, yeah, and smiling all morning.
Speaker 1: That's gratitude. I appreciate where we are, what we have,
Speaker 1: the things we have going, the wonderful things that happened
Speaker 1: with even Sabine last night that had big smiles on
Speaker 1: our faces. And we're going to be seeing your little
Speaker 1: one in Spain very soon, and so all those things
Speaker 1: are I'm grateful for, not comparing to anything else. Look
Speaker 1: where I was a year ago or two years ago.
Speaker 1: It's just this moment being present. I love it. I'm blessed.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that has a huge impact. When you
Speaker 2: can focus on that, then everything just gets better and
Speaker 2: all all boats rise. Like if it's also I think
Speaker 2: when you're in a relationship with somebody, if they're in
Speaker 2: a good mood, if they're grateful, it's contagious and the
Speaker 2: opposite is true as well. So I always try to
Speaker 2: remember that, and we all get into our moods where
Speaker 2: we are feeling the opposite of grateful, but when I
Speaker 2: can turn it around or when he can turn it around,
Speaker 2: we both of us end up turning it around because
Speaker 2: it is contagious.
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, so we're doing all right. So, folks, I
Speaker 1: wonder what if people went through that and they're going
Speaker 1: to do something differently in their relationships. Now we'll focus
Speaker 1: on something differently.
Speaker 2: I hope that anyone listening just maybe jotted some of
Speaker 2: those things down and it's on. At the very least,
Speaker 2: it's worth having a conversation with your partner about it,
Speaker 2: and you know, do we do this and maybe we
Speaker 2: can look at it from this perspective, or maybe we
Speaker 2: can try this next time, or just start those building
Speaker 2: blocks to change how you address each other, how you
Speaker 2: respond to each other, and you know, choosing to address
Speaker 2: things when they happen instead of holding that stockpile of
Speaker 2: ammunition ready for the next fight, you can deflect and defend.
Speaker 1: What's the thing after mayor and when you get married
Speaker 1: after a few years, you're just building a case against
Speaker 1: each other.
Speaker 3: Oh wow, that's depressing.
Speaker 1: Give us the list one, lad, just go through it.
Speaker 1: Here are the folks, the ten things. These are the
Speaker 1: keys to a healthy and happy relationship according to people
Speaker 1: who are in healthy and happy relationship. So what are
Speaker 1: they again?
Speaker 3: And Number one they stay present and engaged. Number two
Speaker 3: they make time for real conversations. Number three they apologize
Speaker 3: and they forgive. Number four, they practice active listening. Number five,
Speaker 3: they're honest with each other. Number six, they use eye
Speaker 3: statements during conflict. Number seven they check in regularly. Number
Speaker 3: eight they show empathy. Number nine they make time for laughter.
Speaker 3: And number ten they express gratitude.
Speaker 2: Okay, so I'll remember that we haven't tried the I
Speaker 2: thing in a tough conversation. I can try to do that.
Speaker 2: I'm going to do better at apologizing quicker and always
Speaker 2: trying to remember to empathize.
Speaker 1: All right, I will do better about the empathy. I'll
Speaker 1: keep that in mind. And it's a constant work to
Speaker 1: be quicker, to forgive, It's a constant constant for me.
Speaker 1: So I'm working. I've gotten a little better. So it
Speaker 1: used to be three days, that was down to about
Speaker 1: two and a quarter.
Speaker 2: I mean, I know, I actually think you're I actually
Speaker 2: truly think you're down to less than a day, day,
Speaker 2: less than a day. Big improvement.
Speaker 1: Thanks minute, all right us, Well, we appreciate you as
Speaker 1: always spending some time with us here on the podcast
Speaker 1: was a Yelser