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Speaker 1: Hey, they're folks in this episode of Amy and TJ.

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Speaker 1: So you think you and your partner communicate well and

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Speaker 1: that it's key to your successful relationship, but we will

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Speaker 1: see about that. Welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. Yes,

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Speaker 1: we are going to test it a lot of people,

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Speaker 1: and it's key right to relationship communication. But we have

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Speaker 1: a little test here, some questions that we are going

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Speaker 1: to ask people to see whether or not you actually

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Speaker 1: are communicating a way that's successful. Couples say they communicate.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, successful couples. But I would say everyone, I would

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Speaker 2: think it's a universal thing to struggle with communication. If

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Speaker 2: you don't struggle with communication, I would say you probably

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Speaker 2: never fight because the fights are almost always about miscommunication,

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Speaker 2: misguided feelings, interpreting what someone meant to say versus what

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Speaker 2: they did say. I at least am speaking from experience

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Speaker 2: with you, and I I think that my mom has

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Speaker 2: always said, you're never fighting about what you're fighting about.

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Speaker 2: So there's always something deeper and something one or both

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Speaker 2: aren't getting. So communication, oh my god, it is so much.

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Speaker 1: And our good friend doctor Jeff Gardier, that many of

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Speaker 1: you will know, he's the one that says, actually that

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Speaker 1: you're you're not actually your issue in relationship is not finances,

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Speaker 1: it's not the kids, it's not these things. It's how

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Speaker 1: you fight about it. It's not actually the thing you

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Speaker 1: think you're fighting about. So I am always fascinated by this.

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Speaker 1: In the idea of communication, there are a bunch of

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Speaker 1: things and a bunch of reasons why relationships work. I

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Speaker 1: don't know what order you would put these in, but

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Speaker 1: we were talking about ahead of time, trust, friendship, sex,

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Speaker 1: laughter like being able to laugh with somebody, and communication.

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Speaker 1: I mean, what else goes on that list or even

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Speaker 1: in what order? Would you say that those things go? Laughter, trust, friendship, sex, communication?

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Speaker 2: Wow? I mean they're all so important. I mean, I

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Speaker 2: would say communication is probably the most important, but I

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Speaker 2: would put friendship and sex like at the same level

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Speaker 2: because I believe that being with someone who you enjoy

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Speaker 2: being around, Yes, who you can laugh with, that's important

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Speaker 2: completely as a foundation, But you also need to have

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Speaker 2: a great sex life, I think, in order for it

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Speaker 2: to be a successful romantic relationship. Otherwise you're just talking

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Speaker 2: about a really good friendship.

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Speaker 1: And then the idea of really good friendship, what's the

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Speaker 1: is it? Because I wonder if it's a man woman thing,

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Speaker 1: or sometimes it's it's a me thing, because you and

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Speaker 1: I communicate very differently. We do because I speak literally

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Speaker 1: and you often speak emotionally. I think you'll admit that

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Speaker 1: to where I am only taking into account the words

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Speaker 1: coming out of your mouth and not trying to assign

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Speaker 1: anything to an emotion.

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Speaker 2: Which is frustrating to me because in my mind where

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Speaker 2: I hopefully have some logic attached to what I'm saying,

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Speaker 2: but there is emotion behind it, and sometimes what I

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Speaker 2: say isn't direct or isn't specific, it's more a feeling,

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Speaker 2: and you're like swimming in muddy waters and frustrated with

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Speaker 2: my lack of just specificity and logic, where I'm more like,

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Speaker 2: this is what I'm feeling, this is what I think

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Speaker 2: I want, this is what you know. There's ambiguity, and

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Speaker 2: you're like, I can't read between the lines, and yes.

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Speaker 1: Okay, that last part is where I get in trouble,

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Speaker 1: like you actually holding me accountable for not reading between

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Speaker 1: lines and understanding something that did not come out of

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Speaker 1: your mouth. I should have pieced it together. And that's

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Speaker 1: where like, really.

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Speaker 2: That's true, and when and when you take it literally

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Speaker 2: and don't give it the depth or the context that

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Speaker 2: I'm sharing it with you. That annoys me because I

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Speaker 2: feel like you're doing it on purpose, like you're almost

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Speaker 2: like holding it over my head, like, well, if you

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Speaker 2: had meant to say that, that's what you should have said.

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Speaker 1: So no better than that now, Oh yes, oh.

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Speaker 2: Okay, you know in the middle of a fight, that's

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Speaker 2: how it feelsh. Do you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: Because I am the opposite in where you're talking to

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Speaker 1: me and holding me accountable for what you think I meant.

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Speaker 1: And I looked you right in the face, I said, sweetheart,

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Speaker 1: you know me, I absolutely just said what I meant.

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Speaker 1: There is no need for interpretation, There no line you

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Speaker 1: need to between. And so is that a man woman.

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Speaker 2: Thing I I do? And it's funny because when I

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Speaker 2: just said you know what I mean? You know what

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Speaker 2: you usually say when I say you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: Hardly ever, that is exactly how it goes. Why it is,

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to adjust. The adjustment is to

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Speaker 1: not take you for what just came out of your

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Speaker 1: mouth or take it with a grain of salt. Okay,

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Speaker 1: maybe she didn't mean that, and it's just difficult in

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Speaker 1: the moment to so, and you have to tell me

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Speaker 1: that's got to be a sign. You've got to do

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Speaker 1: something to where I have a signal to wear. Okay,

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Speaker 1: this is where TJ don't take everything she says.

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Speaker 2: I would just say always always.

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Speaker 1: Okay. Yes, So when you say I love you, should

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Speaker 1: I interpret that as well to mean something else?

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Speaker 2: Yes? What? Because it could mean like at that moment,

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Speaker 2: I love you so much, or it could mean I

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Speaker 2: love you and that's why I'm not going to get

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Speaker 2: upset right now, or you know, there's just there are

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Speaker 2: can be different ways and reasons why you say I

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Speaker 2: love you.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that that's not true. It just means

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Speaker 2: there's more context.

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Speaker 1: Oh my, So this is what we're talking about, folks. Communication.

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Speaker 1: Communication is always key. So you'll heard plenty of time

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Speaker 1: talk about our super producer, Andy Pulls the We haven't

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Speaker 1: gotten one of these in a while, so we've kind

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Speaker 1: of been itching to do him. But he has a

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Speaker 1: great relationship one having to do with communication. So Andy,

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Speaker 1: you guide us through. Tell us what this list is.

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Speaker 3: First of all, all right, so this list comes from

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Speaker 3: bold dot Com. It's couples with strong communication skills all

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Speaker 3: share these same habits. It's some of the most important

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Speaker 3: skills you have in a relationship. It's going to keep

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Speaker 3: you connected when times are good and when times are rough.

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Speaker 1: Okay, how many you got? There are ten of them? Okay,

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Speaker 1: so we have not heard these. Nope, So we have

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Speaker 1: no idea how this is going to go. But we're

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Speaker 1: going to see see how we stack up. And we

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Speaker 1: hope the audience you all listen as well and see

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Speaker 1: how you all stack up. So go ahead, right ahead, Eddie,

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Speaker 1: all right.

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Speaker 3: At number one, the couples with good communication skills stay

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Speaker 3: present and engaged in conversation.

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Speaker 2: Yes, we do that sometimes. Maybe it'd be better if

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Speaker 2: we were less engaged sometimes, geez, But no, we are.

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Speaker 2: I believe that we're present and engaged when we're communicating.

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Speaker 1: That was that was a good start, right there. Any Yes,

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Speaker 1: of course we are, and we're together so often. No,

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Speaker 1: when it's important, we are engaged. Oh. I don't think

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Speaker 1: that's ever, ever, ever an issue where I feel like

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Speaker 1: you're not listening to me when it's important. Now, on

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Speaker 1: day to day stuff, I do well. I don't get frustrated.

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Speaker 1: I just leave you alone now and don't say some

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Speaker 1: stuff because you're staring at your phone and you kind

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Speaker 1: of block everything else out, including me.

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Speaker 2: Well, you know that I can't multitask, so if I'm

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Speaker 2: responding to somebody on a text, it's very difficult for

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Speaker 2: me to then hear what you're saying. So now you

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Speaker 2: know that, and you do stop. You say, I'll wait

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Speaker 2: till your dog, which is cool. I appreciate that.

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Speaker 1: But your daughters actually are the ones who I used

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Speaker 1: to hear them sometimes in the room, like, why are

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Speaker 1: they calling their mother by her first name, because that's

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Speaker 1: the way they can get you to engage and to

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Speaker 1: get your attention, Amy.

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Speaker 2: Amy, and you look up if they're saying mom, Mom, Mom.

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Speaker 2: It actually is just like okay, y'all, just wait.

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Speaker 1: I think we're good on that one. Yes, we are

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Speaker 1: always president engaged during conversation.

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Speaker 2: All right.

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Speaker 3: Number two is they make time for real conversations.

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Speaker 1: Oh god, yeah, yes, oh my god.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, instead of sweeping it under the rug, which is

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Speaker 2: what you know. I understand, especially when people are busy

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Speaker 2: or you just or maybe you don't want to bring

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Speaker 2: something up and so you just kind of kick the

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Speaker 2: can down the road for another But that to me

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Speaker 2: is asking for a powder KEG explosion later. That is

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Speaker 2: the problem with that.

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Speaker 1: Don't you hate those fights for you you have with

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Speaker 1: somebody And they say, and yeah, last Christmas went like wait.

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Speaker 2: A minute, right, remember three months ago? Yeah? I never

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Speaker 2: said this now, but I'm going to bring it up now.

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Speaker 1: Okay. Those things are horrible and there are some partners

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Speaker 1: who hold on. They just waiting.

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Speaker 2: The stockpile ammunition. I have been the recipient of that,

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Speaker 2: and I don't appreciate it. If you don't like something,

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Speaker 2: I've always said this. If you don't like something I

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Speaker 2: did or said, say it in the moment and try

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Speaker 2: to say it in a kind way, like, hey, I

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Speaker 2: know you might not have meant to do this, but

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Speaker 2: this is what it felt like. Addressing it when it

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Speaker 2: happens is sometimes hard, but is always better.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I don't like holding on. I don't like

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Speaker 1: hold on.

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Speaker 2: I don't either.

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Speaker 1: No. No, oh wow.

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Speaker 3: Number three. They apologize and they forgive.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean you know what eventually? No, I mean

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Speaker 2: I think sometimes it takes forget. Sometimes it takes a day,

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Speaker 2: sometimes it takes a couple hours, but we have always

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Speaker 2: ultimately apologized and forgiven. I think, yes, forgiving. I think

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Speaker 2: it's harder.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes. I think you would agree with this. It takes

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Speaker 1: you longer to apologize, it takes me longer to forgive.

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Speaker 2: Yep. That is absolutely true. Yes, that is absolutely true.

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Speaker 2: I it takes me sometimes I have to sleep on

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Speaker 2: it because I think because I think I'm right, and

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Speaker 2: I'm boiling for the night, and then usually in the

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Speaker 2: morning I have clarity and then you're like, yeah, I'm

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Speaker 2: going to need another day to forgive you. Yeah, so

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Speaker 2: that's unfortunate. You're You're really bad at the lag time

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Speaker 2: of forgiveness. Very hard for me.

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Speaker 1: Trying to do.

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Speaker 2: Better yep, And I'm trying to do better at apologizing quicker.

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Speaker 1: And I will not. You almost barely have time to

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Speaker 1: get on to me about something because I will apologize

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Speaker 1: for things that you didn't even notice, you'd even see.

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Speaker 1: I have no problem saying I am sorry.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, But you just say I'm sorry and leave

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Speaker 2: it at that. You don't usually go into an explanation

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Speaker 2: as to why you did it.

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Speaker 1: What more do you need?

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Speaker 2: I think sometimes women like to hear the women.

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Speaker 1: Let's just talk about you.

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Speaker 2: Okay, But I do think it is a man woman, thank.

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Speaker 1: Okay, let's talk about you, though. What you need.

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Speaker 2: Well, I think sometimes knowing that you're taking the time

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Speaker 2: to explain why you are sorry is helpful in forgiving someone.

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Speaker 1: Okay, you're you're okay, I'm with you. Yes, But there

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Speaker 1: have been times. I remember one that happened actually in

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Speaker 1: this place to where I don't even know if you

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Speaker 1: noticed it, but I said, hey, I apologize. I brought

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Speaker 1: something up there in mixed company, and I don't think

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Speaker 1: I should have. I just wanted to, and I did.

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Speaker 2: I remember that particular, and I appreciate that, I will say,

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Speaker 2: and I don't know if you feel the same way.

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Speaker 2: I'm curious if you do. But when you do add

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Speaker 2: an explanation, it's so much easier to forgive. I'm like,

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Speaker 2: I get it because he gets it, and he understands

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Speaker 2: in a way that I don't even have to be

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Speaker 2: angry anymore because he's gonna do better. Do you appreciate

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Speaker 2: an explanation or do you think that's defense? See that's

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Speaker 2: where it gets sticky, because sometimes when you're explaining while

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Speaker 2: you're apologizing, it sounds as though maybe you're defending it

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Speaker 2: or you're giving an excuse as to why you did it.

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Speaker 1: Look, there are reasons for things. There are reasons people

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Speaker 1: do things that don't have to be interpret as an excuse.

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Speaker 1: There are ways you communicate. Sometimes I'll say you just

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Speaker 1: people in general, where you are making an excuse, you

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Speaker 1: are explaining it in such a way that you are saying, well,

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Speaker 1: don't hold me so accountable for that, because da da

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Speaker 1: da da da. At the same time, there can just

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Speaker 1: be reasons for you doing things, but you still did it.

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Speaker 1: It's okay to hear the reason. That's fine when I yeah,

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Speaker 1: when I when I hear anyone trying to lessen the

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Speaker 1: impact of the hurt that they may have caused another

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Speaker 1: based on well, listen to me and my explanation and

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Speaker 1: my reasoning, that can sometimes be right.

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Speaker 2: Or if that comes before the apology, then it feels

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Speaker 2: the apology doesn't feel quite as strong.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I will. I don't know. I just I will

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Speaker 1: have no problem apologizing when I screw up, and it's.

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Speaker 2: Often just work on that forgiving and I'll work on

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Speaker 2: the apologizing.

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Speaker 1: All right.

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Speaker 2: So we're that was we had a breakthrough, but I

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Speaker 2: don't know that that one was solidly in our corner.

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Speaker 3: We went for some real conversations, So that's nice.

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Speaker 1: This is why I don't like to hear him ahead

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Speaker 1: of time because we just engaged in something I had

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Speaker 1: no idea we would, all right.

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Speaker 3: Number four is they practice active listening. And I want

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Speaker 3: to preface that one by just asking what both of

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Speaker 3: your definitions of active listening are, because it is different

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Speaker 3: for people.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm active listening means I am, my opinion, making

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Speaker 2: eye contact and really taking in what they're saying, and

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Speaker 2: maybe even responding with facial expressions in a supportive way

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Speaker 2: versus in a I can't believe you just said that way.

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Speaker 1: It's no eye rolling engagement, and I think response you

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Speaker 1: said kind of a gift. Some it could be a

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Speaker 1: facial expression, but an acknowledgment sometimes by asking a follow up,

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Speaker 1: why somebody's talking where it's clear that that person is

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Speaker 1: paying attention to what you're saying. I think those So

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Speaker 1: is there some other definition? And what do they call active?

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Speaker 3: Active listening is involved paying full attention to what someone

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Speaker 3: is saying, understanding their perspective, and then responding thoughtfully.

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Speaker 2: And not reaction based response like it's actually just responding.

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Speaker 1: With yeah, I know you think you're good at that.

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Speaker 2: I think I'm getting better at it. I don't think

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Speaker 2: it was one of my strong suits. I think you

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Speaker 2: and I both know that I get very passionate and

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Speaker 2: I had a bad habit of interrupting, and I have

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Speaker 2: worked on it. And I hope that you've seen improvement.

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Speaker 1: Maybe not, Yes, you're aware. Look, I've been around. You

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Speaker 1: explained it, and your mom explained it like you were

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Speaker 1: how many she's one of what nine? One of nine?

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Speaker 1: So this family like if you didn't jump in there,

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Speaker 1: you never gonna get hurt. You better, And I guess

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Speaker 1: just the whole family thing, you guess.

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Speaker 2: I was raised in a family where we were all

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Speaker 2: kind of shouting down each other just to and it

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Speaker 2: wasn't in a negative way. Everybody was kind of like

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Speaker 2: enthusiastically participating. But actually I can understand from an outsider's

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Speaker 2: perspective how rude that seems. And so it's a habit

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Speaker 2: that i've It was never done in a fight, necessarily

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Speaker 2: or in a negative environment, but it translates over to that,

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Speaker 2: or it spills over into that, because that's just how

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Speaker 2: I had grown up communicating.

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Speaker 1: But it translates to the person you're talking to as

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Speaker 1: a lack of respect for what they're saying. He's just talking,

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Speaker 1: and there's over people talk over each other as your

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Speaker 1: in normal conversation, there's just kind of that over talk.

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Speaker 1: But the one for me if I can tell when

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Speaker 1: somebody already knows what they're going to say and they're

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Speaker 1: just not listening. They just wait on me to stop

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Speaker 1: talking and whatever, it doesn't matter. It's very go. We've

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Speaker 1: seen this. We used talk about this in television sometimes

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Speaker 1: that some people, some interviewers will screw up because they

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Speaker 1: have a list of questions and they're not paying attention

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Speaker 1: to the person they're interviewing, and they say the mouse

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Speaker 1: outlandish thing, and they just go right to the next

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Speaker 1: question because they're not listening to what the person.

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Speaker 2: They miss an opportunity to really have a an in

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Speaker 2: depth conversation. That happens all the time in especially when

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Speaker 2: you're new to the business. You're just so worried about

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Speaker 2: getting the next question right, you weren't listening to the

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Speaker 2: person you're actually interviewing.

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Speaker 1: So I feel that way sometimes in conversation with you.

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Speaker 1: You know that, Yep, my favorite thing to do are

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Speaker 1: used to. I don't do this anymore. I would be

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Speaker 1: saying something you would shout me down. I would just

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Speaker 1: stop talking. I would I wouldn't try to keep talking.

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't say you didn't you interrupted me. I just

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Speaker 1: stopped and after a while you said, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 2: It's very effective to just I mean, silence is actually

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Speaker 2: very powerful, and you know how to harness that one.

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Speaker 1: Wow, we're really, no, really, we're the opposite in that way.

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Speaker 1: You're really you're a chatty, chatty chap. I am one

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Speaker 1: that will sit back in a group. I don't need

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Speaker 1: to talk. As crazy as that sounds, I'm not the outgoing,

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Speaker 1: I'm not the extrovert.

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Speaker 2: That's true.

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Speaker 1: That's true, all right. I don't know. I feel like

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Speaker 1: our relationship is going sideways. Now should we even go

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Speaker 1: to number.

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Speaker 3: Of Number five? Is they're honest with each other.

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Speaker 2: We are very honest with each other. Yes, that is

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Speaker 2: not a problem. Oh my goodness, not a problem at all.

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Speaker 2: In fact, too honest.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes maybe we just have to be And certainly that's

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Speaker 1: my life is in your hand. You and I are

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Speaker 1: are linked together in the way through friendship and love

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Speaker 1: and family in a way that just we have to

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Speaker 1: be honest with each other.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there's no space for anything but that.

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Speaker 1: That's really, I'm trying to think of something I've I'm

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Speaker 1: keeping something from you right now?

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Speaker 3: Do you think white lies almost not white lies, but

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Speaker 3: something that's almost like, oh.

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Speaker 2: You don't do white lies, you don't know. And even

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Speaker 2: if it's a little like oh that that might have

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Speaker 2: stung a little bit. I part of me also appreciates

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Speaker 2: the fact that you are when you say something, you

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Speaker 2: mean it. I do think when you can practice that

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Speaker 2: and avoiding the white lies finding another way maybe, but

349
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Speaker 2: that to me establishes when you do actually give someone

350
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Speaker 2: a compliment, or you do actually have something kind or

351
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:04,040
Speaker 2: loving to say, it has more of an impact because

352
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Speaker 2: it's real. It's not just lip service. So I think

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Speaker 2: a lot of us get into the habit of trying

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Speaker 2: to make other people feel good about themselves even though

355
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Speaker 2: it's not maybe something that they should feel good about,

356
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Speaker 2: and that's doesn't do anybody any good. So, you know,

357
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Speaker 2: I think that's a it's you're trying to be polite,

358
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Speaker 2: but it ends up doing more harm.

359
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Speaker 1: We had that was six number six.

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Speaker 3: They use eye statements during conflicts.

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Speaker 2: That's a good thing. Yes, So like you right, so

362
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Speaker 2: is it a pointive thing? There you go? I get

363
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,960
Speaker 2: that's a that's a tactic in therapy that you learn

364
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,480
Speaker 2: and when you're arguing with someone or having a difficult conversation.

365
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Speaker 2: Instead of saying, you left your clothes on the floor

366
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Speaker 2: and then you didn't apologize and then you called something,

367
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Speaker 2: you know, Instead of saying I felt like like, you

368
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Speaker 2: would say like I felt upset or I felt sad

369
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Speaker 2: when I saw the closer on the floor because I

370
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Speaker 2: knew I was gonna have to pick them up. So

371
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Speaker 2: you're saying how you feel versus what you did, how

372
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Speaker 2: I feel versus what you did.

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Speaker 1: So do we do that?

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Speaker 2: I don't think so, but we could try that.

375
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Speaker 1: We don't do the eye thing.

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Speaker 2: I think we're more like, hey, why did you do

377
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Speaker 2: that or why did you say that? Versus I felt

378
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Speaker 2: like this when you said this, I don't. We haven't

379
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Speaker 2: employed that skill.

380
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Speaker 1: Huh, I can try it. I'm trying to think of

381
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Speaker 1: the last back and forth, the disagreement we had and

382
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Speaker 1: what was said and how it was said. I actually

383
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Speaker 1: cannot remember. I don't, but it doesn't sound like I

384
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Speaker 1: think back and I don't think our conflicts involved us

385
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Speaker 1: speaking in an accusatory way. You you this, I don't

386
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Speaker 1: think that but if.

387
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Speaker 2: We ever got to that point, I do get that.

388
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Speaker 2: That is you're instead of putting something on someone else

389
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Speaker 2: and accusing them of something, you're just owning how you

390
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Speaker 2: felt in the moment, and that maybe softens the defensiveness

391
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Speaker 2: from the other person.

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Speaker 1: All right, what's the number seventh?

393
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Speaker 3: Number seven? Is they check in regularly?

394
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Speaker 2: We don't even have to check going to number eight.

395
00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:13,480
Speaker 2: We're always together. We know each other's temperature twenty four

396
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Speaker 2: hours a day.

397
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Speaker 1: Okay. Checking in is yelling, hey so hard, need me

398
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,639
Speaker 1: to bring anything from the kitchen? That's that's me checking

399
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,920
Speaker 1: in with her in the other room. That's yeah, weird

400
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,280
Speaker 1: to get we got that one. And when we're not

401
00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:26,440
Speaker 1: to and you know what, something that I don't say

402
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:30,280
Speaker 1: it bothers me. But sometimes you'll walk somewhere I know

403
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:32,240
Speaker 1: you're supposed to be somewhere in ten to fifteen minute

404
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:33,800
Speaker 1: walk and I don't hear from you for thirty minutes.

405
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,520
Speaker 1: It's like, hey, you're good. Did you make it to

406
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,040
Speaker 1: where you you're going? You know what?

407
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,720
Speaker 2: That is really sweet, and that is one of the

408
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,840
Speaker 2: many ways that I feel loved. You always say you, okay,

409
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,960
Speaker 2: did you make it back? If I'm even if I'm

410
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,080
Speaker 2: gone for fifteen minutes and I'm coming right back, you

411
00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:49,960
Speaker 2: still make sure I got where I was supposed to go.

412
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,080
Speaker 2: That's very sweet.

413
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,480
Speaker 3: Do you think, though, that checking in regularly is different

414
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Speaker 3: than real conversations.

415
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:00,639
Speaker 1: That kind of check in, like a check in on

416
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,399
Speaker 1: how you doing, how's your day kind of check in

417
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:03,120
Speaker 1: versus just.

418
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,199
Speaker 2: Yeah, See, we don't have that because we don't go

419
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,960
Speaker 2: to the office in you know, different offices and are

420
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,320
Speaker 2: apart for eight hours and want to check in. I

421
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,240
Speaker 2: think they're both important. And God, you don't always have

422
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,680
Speaker 2: to have serious conversations or like in depth conversations, right,

423
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,640
Speaker 2: Sometimes it's nice just to know someone's thinking of you.

424
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Speaker 1: You know, we're blessed in that way to where I

425
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,960
Speaker 1: could go. I could tell anybody how you're doing, Like,

426
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,359
Speaker 1: I know you're I don't need to ask you. I

427
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:29,679
Speaker 1: know how you are, know how you felt when you

428
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,760
Speaker 1: got up, I know what's been bothering you. I know

429
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,119
Speaker 1: which daughter is dropping you crazy right now, I know

430
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:37,040
Speaker 1: what's going on. So we are just up on it.

431
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,320
Speaker 1: That much we're is intertwined in that way.

432
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Speaker 2: So yeah, I think both are really important. I think

433
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:52,159
Speaker 2: the little check ins do matter. Yeah, I do. So.

434
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Speaker 3: Number eight is they show empathy?

435
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,720
Speaker 1: Do we show empathy? That we have to because so

436
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:10,040
Speaker 1: many of our experiences, past and present, past, even before

437
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:15,320
Speaker 1: we knew each other, are so aligned that there are

438
00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:20,040
Speaker 1: so few people that I can talk to that can

439
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,959
Speaker 1: understand some of the stuff that's going on in my life,

440
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,480
Speaker 1: right from where we and where the schools we go to,

441
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:30,119
Speaker 1: the parents we have, the areas we grew up, the

442
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,840
Speaker 1: type of things you dealt with in this school, I

443
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:37,480
Speaker 1: mean all of it, the path through marriages and career

444
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:41,679
Speaker 1: and all this stuff. There's just there's nobody I probably

445
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,679
Speaker 1: have more in common with than you. And so to

446
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,800
Speaker 1: hear you talk about certain things, my heart goes out

447
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:48,600
Speaker 1: because I can understand because I've been through it.

448
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, that makes sense. And I think also the

449
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,280
Speaker 2: question is when you're maybe having a disagreement or you're

450
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,879
Speaker 2: having a tough conversation, can you put yourself in the

451
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,720
Speaker 2: other person's shoes and can you say, you know, I

452
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,960
Speaker 2: don't feel like this, but I can try to imagine.

453
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,919
Speaker 2: I can I can show some sympathy or empathy. If

454
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,679
Speaker 2: you've been through it, yes, it's empathy, I guess If

455
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,560
Speaker 2: you haven't, it's sympathy, but to be able to try

456
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:15,600
Speaker 2: and to imagine what that other person's going through and

457
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,120
Speaker 2: use that in the communication, Use that when you're having

458
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,920
Speaker 2: a tough conversation and say, you know what, I want

459
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,520
Speaker 2: to try to look at it from his perspective. I

460
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:24,560
Speaker 2: think that's part of it too.

461
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,520
Speaker 1: Am I crazy that I don't do if we look

462
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,800
Speaker 1: at it that way? Yeah, it's I have a very

463
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:33,560
Speaker 1: difficult time and that to empathize with, because especially if

464
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,800
Speaker 1: you're receiving incoming right, this is a person who's beating

465
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,560
Speaker 1: you down, who is hurting you, who is frustrating you,

466
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,359
Speaker 1: who is absolutely going crazy here, And it's hard to

467
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:46,760
Speaker 1: comfort a person that is assaulting in that emotional way.

468
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,040
Speaker 1: At least I should say, so.

469
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:54,720
Speaker 2: That's emotionally yes, I should say that distinction. Yes, yes,

470
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,120
Speaker 2: But I always feel like I'm trying to do better

471
00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:01,040
Speaker 2: with that too, instead of to react to feel like, Okay,

472
00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:05,160
Speaker 2: what's he thinking? What's he feeling? With that kind of empathy, what.

473
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,440
Speaker 1: Does it always say when we have a fight. It's never,

474
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,000
Speaker 1: It's never. The crime is the cover up is essentially

475
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:14,520
Speaker 1: never what actually happened. It's how the defense of what

476
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:18,119
Speaker 1: happened handled, what happened is no, I cannot remember think

477
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:19,720
Speaker 1: you've ever done that actually pissed me off to the

478
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 1: point we'd have a fight. Yeah, but it's how you

479
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:23,240
Speaker 1: respond to it.

480
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,800
Speaker 3: Do you respond to him based off of what you're thinking?

481
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:30,840
Speaker 3: Maybe he feels.

482
00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:35,119
Speaker 2: Oh, absolutely like, and I absolutely think that causes problems

483
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,719
Speaker 2: because what he thinks is not what I think. And

484
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,640
Speaker 2: I can think I know what he thinks, but actually

485
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,800
Speaker 2: and I think the same as reverse. I'm like, I've

486
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,800
Speaker 2: even said something and you're like, that's what you thought

487
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,439
Speaker 2: was in my head. Lol, not that you say all

488
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,879
Speaker 2: the well, but that's the opposite of what I was thinking.

489
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:52,240
Speaker 2: And then I'm floored by that.

490
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:54,000
Speaker 1: You want to know what I think. Here's here's a

491
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:58,160
Speaker 1: trick I'll tell you. I mean, there's nothing else talk about.

492
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,680
Speaker 1: You don't have to wonder what I think. I tell you.

493
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,720
Speaker 2: I think that's so. I've never been with someone who

494
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:09,639
Speaker 2: just says exactly what they think. That seems impossible to me.

495
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:13,520
Speaker 2: You have to keep things and like actually be thinking

496
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:14,679
Speaker 2: things that you aren't saying.

497
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,639
Speaker 1: So I tell you, but you you assigned some things

498
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,639
Speaker 1: sometimes to where well you said this and then I

499
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,479
Speaker 1: thought this, But I knew that had to mean, but

500
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:26,320
Speaker 1: then it came across like, huh no.

501
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,359
Speaker 2: Baby, that's what women do.

502
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:32,600
Speaker 1: I said what I said, do not. This is not

503
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 1: up for interpretation. It doesn't need to go through a

504
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:38,040
Speaker 1: filter of any kind, no Google Translate. I said it.

505
00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:40,040
Speaker 1: That's what I've meant, so bad thing.

506
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:45,040
Speaker 2: And I am not like that at all. It's so funny.

507
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:49,119
Speaker 3: Number nine is they make time for laughter.

508
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:54,320
Speaker 2: Oh oh, we prioritize that and always have even in

509
00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:56,920
Speaker 2: our friendship. That was I think one of our big

510
00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:00,320
Speaker 2: found it. We found the same things funny. Some times

511
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 2: it's some dark humor, but I knew I had a

512
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:10,240
Speaker 2: someone who thought things were funny that maybe other people don't.

513
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,320
Speaker 1: We have the same twisted sense of human and that works.

514
00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:16,520
Speaker 1: We do things out. And yeah, there's some things I

515
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:17,879
Speaker 1: point out to you that I won't point out to

516
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:19,440
Speaker 1: other people correct because they would.

517
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:24,280
Speaker 2: Think I'm yeah, you know what, though, I really think

518
00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:27,760
Speaker 2: laughter is our lifeblood. I really constantly.

519
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, we always have a good time. So yeah, that's

520
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,280
Speaker 1: a good one. Okay, okay strong Yeah.

521
00:25:33,359 --> 00:25:33,600
Speaker 2: Yeah.

522
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,160
Speaker 3: And this final one is they express gratitude. And I'm

523
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,680
Speaker 3: going to kind of ask the same question they did

524
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:43,280
Speaker 3: for active listening. What do you define as gratitude.

525
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:49,520
Speaker 2: I think showing appreciation for the other person and when

526
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:54,560
Speaker 2: you see them do something for you, or yeah, to

527
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:57,520
Speaker 2: actually say out loud, I appreciate that, thank you, and

528
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,800
Speaker 2: I think we're good at that. I definitely feel gratitude,

529
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,840
Speaker 2: and you, your men, you've expressed it as well, like

530
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,760
Speaker 2: I feel. I feel that from you, and I I

531
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:08,879
Speaker 2: wonder if you feel that from me.

532
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:15,359
Speaker 1: Yes, I mean what does I mean? It always comes

533
00:26:15,359 --> 00:26:19,000
Speaker 1: out in different ways. There's you know, I find it

534
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:22,560
Speaker 1: gratitude when you go out of your way to make

535
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,360
Speaker 1: sure you clean the kitchen after I cook an elaborate

536
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:29,280
Speaker 1: meal or whatever that is. There's an a pre like

537
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,080
Speaker 1: it's it's almost you won't allow it to happen, or

538
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:32,639
Speaker 1: you want to make sure you contribute. You want to

539
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:34,280
Speaker 1: make sure you say thank you in some way, and

540
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,719
Speaker 1: that happens a lot of ways. Gratitude sometimes is you saying,

541
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,480
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going to take the longer trip

542
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:43,280
Speaker 1: to meet you there because you did all that yesterday

543
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:44,920
Speaker 1: for me and Lasson. I mean that there are little

544
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,879
Speaker 1: ways that it just happens, yep. But yeah, it's always

545
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,720
Speaker 1: nice to hear a thank you or to receive a

546
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:53,520
Speaker 1: little gift unexpectedly and you've done that. Yeah, you've done that.

547
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,200
Speaker 1: So yeah, we got the gratitude.

548
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,320
Speaker 2: Thing now, yeah we do. We are real we are

549
00:26:57,359 --> 00:26:59,080
Speaker 2: really strong on that. Wow.

550
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,960
Speaker 3: Do you think the gratitude helps with better decision making?

551
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,280
Speaker 2: Absolutely? I just think having gratitude in life is important

552
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:09,120
Speaker 2: because it's so easy to complain and to point out

553
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,200
Speaker 2: what's wrong or what isn't good enough or what should

554
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 2: have been done differently. But if you can like shift

555
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:17,200
Speaker 2: that and say, but what did they do right? What

556
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,000
Speaker 2: do they do that I appreciate and really focus on

557
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,959
Speaker 2: that and then acknowledge it, I think that goes a

558
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:27,679
Speaker 2: long way in having your focus shift, and that is

559
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,560
Speaker 2: super important, I think to a healthy relationship.

560
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:32,560
Speaker 1: And I didn't want to do I don't like doing compare.

561
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,880
Speaker 1: We saw our gratitude. We were on the way here

562
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 1: and everybody looked like they were having the worst day ever. Yeah,

563
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,280
Speaker 1: and I don't like to do the comparative suffering. So well,

564
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,760
Speaker 1: I feel gratitude that I am not in that position.

565
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,880
Speaker 1: We actually got up, I had a bad night of sleeping,

566
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,720
Speaker 1: was up very early and everything was off and had

567
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,639
Speaker 1: it was kind of a wonky morning.

568
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,000
Speaker 2: We're a little longer the weather.

569
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I'm feeling great, yeah, and smiling all morning.

570
00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:03,840
Speaker 1: That's gratitude. I appreciate where we are, what we have,

571
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:08,040
Speaker 1: the things we have going, the wonderful things that happened

572
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,480
Speaker 1: with even Sabine last night that had big smiles on

573
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:14,440
Speaker 1: our faces. And we're going to be seeing your little

574
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:17,480
Speaker 1: one in Spain very soon, and so all those things

575
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:23,640
Speaker 1: are I'm grateful for, not comparing to anything else. Look

576
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:25,200
Speaker 1: where I was a year ago or two years ago.

577
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:29,600
Speaker 1: It's just this moment being present. I love it. I'm blessed.

578
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:32,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that has a huge impact. When you

579
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:36,439
Speaker 2: can focus on that, then everything just gets better and

580
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,600
Speaker 2: all all boats rise. Like if it's also I think

581
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:42,160
Speaker 2: when you're in a relationship with somebody, if they're in

582
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,800
Speaker 2: a good mood, if they're grateful, it's contagious and the

583
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:47,920
Speaker 2: opposite is true as well. So I always try to

584
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,120
Speaker 2: remember that, and we all get into our moods where

585
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 2: we are feeling the opposite of grateful, but when I

586
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:57,720
Speaker 2: can turn it around or when he can turn it around,

587
00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:00,320
Speaker 2: we both of us end up turning it around because

588
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:01,320
Speaker 2: it is contagious.

589
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:05,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, so we're doing all right. So, folks, I

590
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:08,880
Speaker 1: wonder what if people went through that and they're going

591
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 1: to do something differently in their relationships. Now we'll focus

592
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:12,600
Speaker 1: on something differently.

593
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:16,000
Speaker 2: I hope that anyone listening just maybe jotted some of

594
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,400
Speaker 2: those things down and it's on. At the very least,

595
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:22,040
Speaker 2: it's worth having a conversation with your partner about it,

596
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:24,200
Speaker 2: and you know, do we do this and maybe we

597
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,160
Speaker 2: can look at it from this perspective, or maybe we

598
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:28,960
Speaker 2: can try this next time, or just start those building

599
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:32,600
Speaker 2: blocks to change how you address each other, how you

600
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:35,160
Speaker 2: respond to each other, and you know, choosing to address

601
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:40,000
Speaker 2: things when they happen instead of holding that stockpile of

602
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:44,360
Speaker 2: ammunition ready for the next fight, you can deflect and defend.

603
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:47,440
Speaker 1: What's the thing after mayor and when you get married

604
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:49,480
Speaker 1: after a few years, you're just building a case against

605
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:49,880
Speaker 1: each other.

606
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:52,920
Speaker 3: Oh wow, that's depressing.

607
00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:55,800
Speaker 1: Give us the list one, lad, just go through it.

608
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:57,960
Speaker 1: Here are the folks, the ten things. These are the

609
00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:02,680
Speaker 1: keys to a healthy and happy relationship according to people

610
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 1: who are in healthy and happy relationship. So what are

611
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:07,000
Speaker 1: they again?

612
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:10,760
Speaker 3: And Number one they stay present and engaged. Number two

613
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:14,480
Speaker 3: they make time for real conversations. Number three they apologize

614
00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:19,160
Speaker 3: and they forgive. Number four, they practice active listening. Number five,

615
00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:23,160
Speaker 3: they're honest with each other. Number six, they use eye

616
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:28,520
Speaker 3: statements during conflict. Number seven they check in regularly. Number

617
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 3: eight they show empathy. Number nine they make time for laughter.

618
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,520
Speaker 3: And number ten they express gratitude.

619
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,680
Speaker 2: Okay, so I'll remember that we haven't tried the I

620
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:42,560
Speaker 2: thing in a tough conversation. I can try to do that.

621
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:47,080
Speaker 2: I'm going to do better at apologizing quicker and always

622
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:50,000
Speaker 2: trying to remember to empathize.

623
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:52,640
Speaker 1: All right, I will do better about the empathy. I'll

624
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:56,560
Speaker 1: keep that in mind. And it's a constant work to

625
00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:00,800
Speaker 1: be quicker, to forgive, It's a constant constant for me.

626
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,959
Speaker 1: So I'm working. I've gotten a little better. So it

627
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:05,720
Speaker 1: used to be three days, that was down to about

628
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:06,520
Speaker 1: two and a quarter.

629
00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:09,200
Speaker 2: I mean, I know, I actually think you're I actually

630
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:11,880
Speaker 2: truly think you're down to less than a day, day,

631
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:14,560
Speaker 2: less than a day. Big improvement.

632
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:17,239
Speaker 1: Thanks minute, all right us, Well, we appreciate you as

633
00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:20,160
Speaker 1: always spending some time with us here on the podcast

634
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 1: was a Yelser