WEBVTT - Just B Rant: Competition in Relationships

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<v Speaker 1>All right, dating, let's talk about competition in relationships. It's

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<v Speaker 1>a real thing, and it doesn't have to be so overt.

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<v Speaker 1>But competition in relationships is a real, real thing for

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<v Speaker 1>many reasons. It's often about insecurity and one person feeling

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<v Speaker 1>either inferior or marginalized. And it could go both ways,

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<v Speaker 1>because someone could be good in one way and the

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<v Speaker 1>other person could be good in another way. But and

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<v Speaker 1>it doesn't have to be so overt. It could be subtle.

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<v Speaker 1>But I have definitely experienced it, and I've also experienced

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<v Speaker 1>someone having something to prove in a relationship where you

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<v Speaker 1>have something going on and then the other person feels

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<v Speaker 1>inferior and they have to have as much going on

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<v Speaker 1>for them. They have to justify their value in themselves

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<v Speaker 1>within the relationship, and it's a recipe for disaster. The

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<v Speaker 1>ideal situation is two people are going in the same direction,

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<v Speaker 1>but they each have different skill sets, different arenas that

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<v Speaker 1>they operate in, and each your complimentary to the other.

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<v Speaker 1>You could talk to each other about what you're doing,

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<v Speaker 1>but you're not in some sort of like ancillary adjacent

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<v Speaker 1>industry where you're going to feel self conscious if you're

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<v Speaker 1>not doing as well as the other person. I think

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<v Speaker 1>actually that guy, Craig Conover, if that's the one who's

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<v Speaker 1>the one who was dating the girl page, I think

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<v Speaker 1>it was Craig Conover.

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<v Speaker 2>I think they.

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<v Speaker 1>Alluded to that, like she alluded to basically, when something

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<v Speaker 1>happened for her, he would either make it about him

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<v Speaker 1>or she would feel self conscious about it because they're

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<v Speaker 1>in similar businesses and they started out at the same place.

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<v Speaker 1>So it's like two housewives starting out at the same

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<v Speaker 1>place is going to be different than one persons working

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<v Speaker 1>in a restaurant.

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<v Speaker 2>The other person's a housewife, and they're both succeeding.

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<v Speaker 1>I have friends that are in completely different worlds than

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<v Speaker 1>I am, so there's no discussion about us starting at

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<v Speaker 1>the same place. And it happens in relationships. They both

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<v Speaker 1>started in reality TV in that example, and so it

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<v Speaker 1>is probably awkward if one person is getting more opportunities

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<v Speaker 1>or more vacations, or more money, or more fame or

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<v Speaker 1>more whatever, and then their gender roles maybe a man's

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<v Speaker 1>getting more than a woman or a woman getting more

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<v Speaker 1>than a man in a career like modeling or something.

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<v Speaker 1>And it doesn't mean it has to be that they're

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<v Speaker 1>bad people. Like let's just pretend that the guy Craig

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<v Speaker 1>could be triggered by how much was going on for her.

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<v Speaker 2>First of all, it's a long road, it's a marathon.

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<v Speaker 1>He's apparently now dating some gorgeous girl, Jimmy Buffett's daughter,

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<v Speaker 1>and they have to live that publicly, and that's got

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<v Speaker 1>to be hard for her, even if she's not still

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<v Speaker 1>into him. It's just a whole mixed bag. But the

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<v Speaker 1>point is it's no one's fault. It's just a dynamic

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<v Speaker 1>that you really do want to avoid. And if you

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<v Speaker 1>find yourself dumbing yourself down and dimming your own light

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<v Speaker 1>because you're worried about what the other person doesn't have,

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<v Speaker 1>or I've historically done this, tried to get the person

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<v Speaker 1>i'm with the job, or get them some part of

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<v Speaker 1>something that I'm doing because I want them to feel

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<v Speaker 1>valued and part of it because I feel self conscious

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<v Speaker 1>about all the things happening for me.

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<v Speaker 2>So it's like, no, you would totally add value. Maybe

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<v Speaker 2>you should get involved, Maybe you should invest.

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<v Speaker 1>I could call them and ask, maybe I could get

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<v Speaker 1>you a job, like I've done that, and it's a

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<v Speaker 1>recipe for disaster.

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<v Speaker 2>It's really a bad scene.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, there have been exceptions where opportunities have come

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<v Speaker 1>to me and someone I've been in a relationship can

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<v Speaker 1>add value because it's not my core skill set. It

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<v Speaker 1>can be negotiating a deal or contracts or something. And

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<v Speaker 1>then I mean, what has happened is opportunities have come

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<v Speaker 1>to me. I've known conceptually what I want to do

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<v Speaker 1>with them, and the person that I've with, I've asked

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<v Speaker 1>if they can add value or negotiate.

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<v Speaker 2>And make something happen.

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<v Speaker 1>And then one situation they put up the money because

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<v Speaker 1>the opportunity came for me, but I added the sort

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<v Speaker 1>of marketing value and that was a good partnership. But

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<v Speaker 1>even still I always end up with more equity than

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<v Speaker 1>the other person, and they up feeling marginalized because they

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<v Speaker 1>know that they're a secondary character in it. And it

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<v Speaker 1>comes in many shapes and forms. It can come in

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<v Speaker 1>real estate, it can come in the man's home watching

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<v Speaker 1>the kids.

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<v Speaker 2>It can come.

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<v Speaker 1>But I just you gotta really be mindful of it

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<v Speaker 1>because in the beginning, it may seem like it's going

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<v Speaker 1>to be fine, and a man may seem like it

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't care, but or it may not even be a man.

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<v Speaker 1>It could be two women in a lesbian relationship, it

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<v Speaker 1>will come up. If it's coming up at all, cracks

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<v Speaker 1>become creators. It's a real thing. Competition and relationships is

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<v Speaker 1>a real thing, just like it's a real thing with friendships.

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<v Speaker 1>It could happen with sports. It could happen with pickleball,

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<v Speaker 1>It could happened with tennis, It could happen with weight.

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<v Speaker 1>I've heard situations where a couple is both overweight and

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<v Speaker 1>one of them decides to lose weight, and the other

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<v Speaker 1>one feels super self conscious, like they feel they used

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<v Speaker 1>to eat together, they used to self deprecate together, they

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<v Speaker 1>used to self loath together, they used to binge together,

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<v Speaker 1>they used.

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<v Speaker 2>To you know, review food together.

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<v Speaker 1>Then one decides to get in shape and the other doesn't,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's awkward and it's weird, and one person could

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<v Speaker 1>be jealous, they could be competitive. You could hide that

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<v Speaker 1>you're losing weight. I mean, it happens in so many

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<v Speaker 1>different ways. You know, one person decides to just glow up,

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<v Speaker 1>get into health and fitness and become a vegetarian or

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<v Speaker 1>a vegan, and the other person wants us to lead

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<v Speaker 1>fried chicken. Like it happens, so be mindful of it.

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<v Speaker 1>Let's talk about something my therapist said the other day

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<v Speaker 1>about dating someone different than you. So in my dating adventure,

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<v Speaker 1>I've met so many different types, and depending upon who's

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<v Speaker 1>setting me up, there are different types that I meet,

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<v Speaker 1>and you know, I always I'm sort of attracted to

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<v Speaker 1>a similar type. And I don't even mean physically, yes, physically,

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<v Speaker 1>I like boys, charm, I like smarter, like conservative, I

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<v Speaker 1>like has no social media opposite of me.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't like a hot shot. I don't like a bragger.

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<v Speaker 1>But I like a very successful person, a wealthy person,

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<v Speaker 1>a person who I'm not going to have to hide

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<v Speaker 1>what I'm buying and doing or feel self conscious about

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<v Speaker 1>money as a character relationship. And I have met so

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<v Speaker 1>many people that have like this sort of that East

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<v Speaker 1>Coast you know, flight ball or has an edge, that person.

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<v Speaker 1>And more recently I've been introduced to people that are

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<v Speaker 1>a little more conservative in maybe like they're not New Yorkers,

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<v Speaker 1>they're from you know, the South or the Midwest. They're

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<v Speaker 1>more conservative, they're more kind, they might be religious, like

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<v Speaker 1>just a different type of person.

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<v Speaker 2>And we're usually if you listen, if you're Jewish.

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<v Speaker 1>And your parents want you to marry someone Jewish, and

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<v Speaker 1>that's something that's important to you, or you're Catholic, that's

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<v Speaker 1>you know, that's one thing.

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<v Speaker 2>But if if it's really just because of it's what

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<v Speaker 2>you know.

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<v Speaker 1>It means like you've only ever you've never tried eggplants,

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<v Speaker 1>so you'll never try eggblup. But then if you start

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<v Speaker 1>making egg plan in different ways, you might actually love it.

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<v Speaker 1>And I mean by this that like, why not try

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<v Speaker 1>to date people that are very different and be open

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<v Speaker 1>because you might grow, you might learn something, you might change,

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<v Speaker 1>you might become a better person. This person could have

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<v Speaker 1>a good influence on you, could be a good influence

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<v Speaker 1>on you. And particularly if you're like me and you've

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<v Speaker 1>failed so many times and you've had the worst picker

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<v Speaker 1>and you've made the wrong choices, why not try something

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<v Speaker 1>new from a different place, from a different culture, from

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<v Speaker 1>a different industry. And that's what I'm finding really fascinating,

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<v Speaker 1>Like it's a nature versus nurture thing. What if two

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<v Speaker 1>people are fundamentally similar, meaning they're both good people, they're

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<v Speaker 1>both moral people, they both like to have fun, but

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<v Speaker 1>one grew up one way and another grow up the

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<v Speaker 1>other way. That's just really that's nurture. That means that's

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<v Speaker 1>like society making who each person is versus nature, which

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<v Speaker 1>is who we fundamentally are, you know, And yes, of

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<v Speaker 1>course nurture creates a good person or a bad person.

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<v Speaker 1>But I just mean I have met people that are

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<v Speaker 1>from such different planets than myself. But I've found that

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<v Speaker 1>maybe I'm super braggy, or maybe I, you know, am

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<v Speaker 1>irreverent and outspoken and brash, and maybe someone's a little

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<v Speaker 1>more conservative and controlled and quiet, but like we could

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<v Speaker 1>fundamentally be the same. They may not have loud humor,

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<v Speaker 1>they may have a quieter humor, but they get my

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<v Speaker 1>sense of humor. I may be attracted to them because

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<v Speaker 1>they're quiet and conservative. They may be attracted to me

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<v Speaker 1>because I'm wild, and we would seem like an unlikely couple.

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<v Speaker 1>So I've been more open, and I suggest that you

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<v Speaker 1>are too, in the same way that you are with

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<v Speaker 1>cuisine or visiting different cultures, or being open to different

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<v Speaker 1>types of people, maybe body types, maybe different sports.

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<v Speaker 2>So I am open.

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<v Speaker 1>It happens too with people that are like I won't

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<v Speaker 1>date someone bald, I won't date someone short, I won't

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<v Speaker 1>date someone white, I won't date someone black. Like people

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<v Speaker 1>have these things where I won't date someone Jewish, I

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<v Speaker 1>won't date someone Catholic like and I think being just

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<v Speaker 1>open minded about everyone is a great policy because, as

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<v Speaker 1>my therapist says, you're dating an other, that means it's

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<v Speaker 1>an other, a person they're not supposed to be you.

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<v Speaker 1>You're not dating yourself or marrying yourself. You're trying to

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<v Speaker 1>create a situation where you have a partner. The sum

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<v Speaker 1>is greater than its parts. In work, in business, a

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<v Speaker 1>good partner is someone who's good at very different things.

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<v Speaker 1>They compliment your skill set. You're like a puzzle that

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<v Speaker 1>fits together. They're not a mirror image of you. You

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<v Speaker 1>don't need two people Bernie Topp and Ellen John they have.

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<v Speaker 1>There are two different sides of this thing. It used

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<v Speaker 1>to be Calvin Klein and Barry Schwartz, the business and

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<v Speaker 1>the creative, Like those are the best marriages. So the

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<v Speaker 1>best marriages are probably opposite sides of the coin. I

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<v Speaker 1>actually don't know why, but I just thought of like

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<v Speaker 1>Lisa and Harry Hamlin. They're going in the same direction,

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<v Speaker 1>but they're very different. He's sort of more cerebral and

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<v Speaker 1>you know, quiet, and she's been out there and outspoken.

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<v Speaker 1>He appreciates her for who she is, he's not dumbing

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<v Speaker 1>her down, and they celebrate each other. So I would

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<v Speaker 1>just say for me, I am trying to be very

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<v Speaker 1>open minded in this next chapter and learn and grow.

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<v Speaker 1>Real estate brokers are scumbags. Let's talk about real estate.

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<v Speaker 1>I've been going through a real estate transaction recently, and

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<v Speaker 1>I am a trusting person, which is shocking because I've

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<v Speaker 1>been so fucked over my whole life. It's shocking. But

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<v Speaker 1>I met with some real estate brokers recently. One person

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<v Speaker 1>showed me something that I really liked and did not disclose,

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<v Speaker 1>which in my brief time trying to study for the

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<v Speaker 1>real estate exam, which I failed every single quiz. I

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<v Speaker 1>Paul and I were both failing the quiz he's in

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<v Speaker 1>real estate.

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<v Speaker 2>It was pserahical but not that funny. But I don't

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<v Speaker 2>think it's that easy. And I didn't pass the test.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't even take the test, but I went ahead

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<v Speaker 1>that course, paid one hundred something dollars for like fifteen hours.

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<v Speaker 1>And but one of the things I remember is that

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<v Speaker 1>you have to like disclose certain things, like if there's

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<v Speaker 1>a dead body in the basement that you know about,

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<v Speaker 1>you need to tell people if it's on a train track.

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<v Speaker 1>You need to tell people things that they might not

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<v Speaker 1>know blind spots, and one would be this thing is

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<v Speaker 1>that the back of the house is on a cemetery.

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<v Speaker 1>So I was about to offer something on his property,

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<v Speaker 1>and the guy did not tell me that, and someone

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<v Speaker 1>else in the neighborhood did, and that there was I

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<v Speaker 1>guess a Starbucks right near, which didn't bother me because

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<v Speaker 1>that would be convenient coffee. But it wasn't the best

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<v Speaker 1>street in this particular neighborhood because of the Starbucks and

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<v Speaker 1>a cemetery. For whatever reason, neither of that really bothered me.

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<v Speaker 1>But the truth is, I want wanted to know it.

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<v Speaker 1>That's frightening for but the price was disproportionately low for

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<v Speaker 1>such an amazing house. And I came into the guy

0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:09.040
<v Speaker 1>and I go, Hi, you didn't disclose it there was

0:11:09.080 --> 0:11:11.839
<v Speaker 1>a cemetery. We were about to sign the contract. He's like, yeah,

0:11:11.840 --> 0:11:13.680
<v Speaker 1>would have told you. I'm like, when when I fucking

0:11:13.720 --> 0:11:16.840
<v Speaker 1>live in there on top of a caffeinated dead body.

0:11:17.480 --> 0:11:21.240
<v Speaker 1>So I've had They're just just go into every real

0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:27.520
<v Speaker 1>estate transaction discussion contract showing hiring fire. They're all scumbags, Okay,

0:11:27.559 --> 0:11:29.040
<v Speaker 1>just go into it with that now there may be

0:11:29.120 --> 0:11:32.240
<v Speaker 1>some exceptions like anything else, but really go into buying

0:11:32.280 --> 0:11:35.640
<v Speaker 1>a car and real estate with the understanding that they

0:11:35.679 --> 0:11:43.600
<v Speaker 1>are mostly many real estate professionals are scamming scumbags.

0:11:43.760 --> 0:11:45.040
<v Speaker 2>And because of.

0:11:46.720 --> 0:11:50.679
<v Speaker 1>The market right now and because of people's financial fears,

0:11:51.120 --> 0:11:54.480
<v Speaker 1>real estate brokers are more like there's blood in the

0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:59.199
<v Speaker 1>water than ever and they are shady creatures. They are

0:11:59.240 --> 0:12:01.160
<v Speaker 1>just shady creep and they find a way in the

0:12:01.200 --> 0:12:05.920
<v Speaker 1>contract to put in some shady language where they can

0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:09.040
<v Speaker 1>get more And I'm not my friend just caught something

0:12:09.400 --> 0:12:12.120
<v Speaker 1>in a contract where there's only supposed to be one

0:12:12.120 --> 0:12:14.800
<v Speaker 1>broker's fee but they tried to slip in another. Or

0:12:14.800 --> 0:12:17.920
<v Speaker 1>who's paying the closing costs, Like you have to be savvy,

0:12:18.200 --> 0:12:20.640
<v Speaker 1>you have to have someone really good looking at every angle.

0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:21.960
<v Speaker 1>You have to take your time, you have to be

0:12:22.000 --> 0:12:44.439
<v Speaker 1>patient because they will screw you over