Speaker 1: Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk, and today's topic is
Speaker 1: one sided friendships. So in past Tommy Talks, I've told
Speaker 1: you about a friend breakup and when it's time to
Speaker 1: let go of a friendship. And it's something that I
Speaker 1: dealt with in a big way last year. And I
Speaker 1: haven't really thought much about this person. They're not part
Speaker 1: of my everyday life. I genuinely don't have ill feelings
Speaker 1: towards this person, like I feel like my life is
Speaker 1: better off without them. Minute I don't miss them. I
Speaker 1: don't miss the drama and the you know, angst and
Speaker 1: stress that came from that friendship. So I really feel
Speaker 1: like I've been in a great place without it. Well, recently,
Speaker 1: I was at an event that I was working at
Speaker 1: and I saw this person across the room. So what
Speaker 1: happened was I was interviewing a lot of people. It
Speaker 1: was getting really busy, really crazy. I had a moment
Speaker 1: in between interviews and I look up and I see
Speaker 1: one of my friends across the way. They don't see me.
Speaker 1: Otherwise I obviously would have waved and I couldn't have
Speaker 1: run over because I was busy getting ready for my
Speaker 1: next interview. But I look to my right, and I
Speaker 1: see this former friend who is staring at me, like
Speaker 1: lock eyes looking at me. And before I could even
Speaker 1: raise a hand to do like a gentle wave because
Speaker 1: that's the classic thing to do, or I don't know,
Speaker 1: mouth hello something, this person looks the other way really quickly,
Speaker 1: just like totally just darts the other way and looks
Speaker 1: the other way as if like I don't know, I
Speaker 1: guess it was a snub, just like a total snub.
Speaker 1: And I'm sitting there thinking, my god, how immature are you?
Speaker 1: Like we are all at a place where I'm here
Speaker 1: doing my job, you're here doing your job. We're not
Speaker 1: friends anymore, But is a hello the hardest thing in
Speaker 1: the world for you to do. I don't want to
Speaker 1: go run up to you and hug you and talk
Speaker 1: to you, but I can wave a hello or say hello,
Speaker 1: how are you? Something very simple, and you know, well
Speaker 1: leave it at that. The fact that this person was
Speaker 1: so dramatic and darted eyes and acted like, you know,
Speaker 1: they just saw the devil in me, I'm like, come on, like,
Speaker 1: come on, this is so childish and so immature, and
Speaker 1: further legitimizes many reasons why we're no longer friends. So
Speaker 1: it got me thinking about this topic of a one
Speaker 1: sided friendship because then I went home and I was
Speaker 1: sharing the story with some friends and the idea of
Speaker 1: that whole friendship being one sided came up, and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know what, I think a lot of us go
Speaker 1: through this. I think a lot of us have had
Speaker 1: people in our lives where we hold on to something
Speaker 1: that isn't quite what it once was, or we give
Speaker 1: everything we can in that friendship but we get nothing back,
Speaker 1: and it feels very one sided. And I think it's
Speaker 1: worth talking about because I feel like in a friendship
Speaker 1: it has to be reciprocal, like you need to get
Speaker 1: what you deserve out of it as well. So what
Speaker 1: is a one sided friendship in my opinion, Well, I
Speaker 1: think that means you're usually the one always reaching out first,
Speaker 1: always always always reaching out first, Conversations highly revolve around
Speaker 1: them and not you at all. It's like, hello, are
Speaker 1: you interested in my life at all? Like you haven't
Speaker 1: asked me one question and you know things are going
Speaker 1: on in my life and you haven't followed up about
Speaker 1: any of them. That was a problem with this particular
Speaker 1: person who knew there were some really upsetting things going
Speaker 1: on and hard things going on for me at the
Speaker 1: time that I poured my heart out in sharing, which
Speaker 1: by the way, wasn't asked of me. I just kind
Speaker 1: of on my own volunteer that information. Because this person
Speaker 1: never asked me questions, I had to just say them myself,
Speaker 1: and then there was never a follow up about it,
Speaker 1: which is so bizarre because if someone told me the
Speaker 1: things that I told this person, I would be like,
Speaker 1: are you okay? How are you? Are you feeling good? Nothing? Nothing,
Speaker 1: So conversations usually revolve around them in a way one sided friendship,
Speaker 1: and then kind of piggybacking off of that. They're usually
Speaker 1: unavailable when you need support and in your most trying
Speaker 1: times when you need somebody to lean on, when you're
Speaker 1: looking for them for a little comfort, they're not there.
Speaker 1: They're not there to give it. They're either mia not
Speaker 1: answering the phone, not acknowledging what you're saying, don't really
Speaker 1: care what you're saying, acting like what you're saying is
Speaker 1: no big deal. But then they expect you to show
Speaker 1: up for them and their times of need. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's ultimate gaslighting. And that is something that happened with
Speaker 1: this person, they suddenly felt like they had some sort
Speaker 1: of issue going on in their life and lashed out
Speaker 1: against me, accusing me of not being there for them.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, wait a minute, I've been there for
Speaker 1: you throughout the whole course of our friendship, and let's
Speaker 1: talk about the twenty five times I needed you when
Speaker 1: you weren't there. So it's just like this total unbalance
Speaker 1: and it's gaslighting, and it's like they are not capable
Speaker 1: of being available when you truly need them. But hey,
Speaker 1: you better show up for them when they need you,
Speaker 1: or you're the worst person in the world. Plans only
Speaker 1: kind of happen if you initiate them. That's very one sided.
Speaker 1: Now everybody gets busy, so I think you have to
Speaker 1: take that one with a grain of salt. And some
Speaker 1: people are just more of a planner or more of
Speaker 1: an initiator, Like I'm maybe not the biggest planner. Like
Speaker 1: I have some friends who are like, let's get dinner
Speaker 1: on the books three months from now, and I love
Speaker 1: that because that's just not me. So I think that's
Speaker 1: really cool. But you, at least if you're not that
Speaker 1: huge planner, like check in show someone you care. Message
Speaker 1: them on Instagram, text them, call them like there are
Speaker 1: ways to show you care. So it's nice to feel
Speaker 1: like plans happen because two people want them to happen
Speaker 1: and work towards them happening. And I guess, lastly, while
Speaker 1: there's probably so many more, but the last thing coming
Speaker 1: to mind right now is when you hang out with
Speaker 1: this person, you maybe feel exhausted or unappreciated or unfulfilled
Speaker 1: or drained because they monopolize all the time that you
Speaker 1: have with them and make it about them right, or
Speaker 1: they're complaining NonStop, or it's like the show, like I
Speaker 1: always say, some people have plug in their name. Let's
Speaker 1: say Tommy, it's the Tommy Show. Although please don't I
Speaker 1: hope you don't view me like this, but it's like
Speaker 1: all about them, and it's crazy and chaos, and you know,
Speaker 1: it's just a lot like you leave those interactions being like, WHOA,
Speaker 1: I need quiet, I need calm because that was totally
Speaker 1: draining and I don't think this person really cared about
Speaker 1: anything I did or had to say, Like it's very exhausting.
Speaker 1: So those are all huge signs of a one sided friendship.
Speaker 1: And I stand by the fact that I think healthy
Speaker 1: friendships feel mutual, feel energizing, whereas one side it feels
Speaker 1: the opposite. They feel draining and kind of like uncertain
Speaker 1: every time you hang out with this person, what are
Speaker 1: you gonna get? What kind of mood are you gonna get?
Speaker 1: What's gonna happen? So, I don't know, in a friendship,
Speaker 1: it shouldn't be that hard. There shouldn't be that many
Speaker 1: question marks and walking on eggshells, like life is crazy.
Speaker 1: You want your friendship time to be fun and breezy
Speaker 1: and light and you know, laugh and have just total
Speaker 1: enjoyment and time spent together. And yeah, there'll be times
Speaker 1: when we're all going through hard times and you lean
Speaker 1: on each other and you want that. You want support,
Speaker 1: unconditional love and support. That's what a real friendship is.
Speaker 1: So if you feel like you're in a one sided friendship,
Speaker 1: like I very much did, they're very very important things
Speaker 1: that you should do to protect your piece, to protect
Speaker 1: your mental health, to protect your space. Number one is
Speaker 1: pull back, Like pull back even in the beginning, pull
Speaker 1: back slightly and see if they notice, see if they
Speaker 1: pursue you a little bit, or maybe they don't, and
Speaker 1: maybe they don't care. And maybe they want you to
Speaker 1: pull back or letting you pull back, I should say,
Speaker 1: and it's like, WHOA, Like you truly don't care that
Speaker 1: I'm not around as much. I guess you don't value
Speaker 1: this as much. That's a really interesting kind of telltale sign.
Speaker 1: You can always communicate directly, like Hey, I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm always the one reaching out, or I'm always the
Speaker 1: one making plans, or I'm always the one asking you
Speaker 1: how are you or what's going on with you? Or
Speaker 1: I'm always the one supporting you when you're sad, like
Speaker 1: why aren't you doing any of that for me? Fair warning,
Speaker 1: the person that I'm no longer friends with can't handle that,
Speaker 1: Like anything you say is an attack, So wouldn't it
Speaker 1: have worked? And it would be fruitless because incapable of
Speaker 1: having an emotional intelligent conversation. But there are a lot
Speaker 1: of people that you can have that conversation, So it's
Speaker 1: worth trying. If it's a friendship that means something to
Speaker 1: you and you think the person can be receptive, it's
Speaker 1: worth trying to communicate directly with them. And look if
Speaker 1: if it's someone in your life who you don't want
Speaker 1: to lose and they're not doing anything that detrimental to you.
Speaker 1: You can always adjust your expectations, like if you want
Speaker 1: to keep them as a more casual connection, and you're like, look,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to rely on this person. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna make plans. I'm not going to go out of
Speaker 1: my way a lot. But will I see them for
Speaker 1: a meal once a year or twice a year, sure,
Speaker 1: Like I still want to have a slight connection to them.
Speaker 1: That's fine too. You need to find what you want
Speaker 1: out of that friendship and the level of intimacy you
Speaker 1: want out of that friendship. For me, this person we
Speaker 1: were like it was like a sibling, Like we were
Speaker 1: so close, and I realized I don't want them in
Speaker 1: my life at all because of how they were acting
Speaker 1: and treating not only me but other people, and how
Speaker 1: they were walking through this life. And I'm like, you
Speaker 1: know what, this energy ain't for me. I don't want
Speaker 1: that in my life. I decided that for me. But
Speaker 1: you have to decide for you the level of a
Speaker 1: relationship you do or don't want. Do you want to
Speaker 1: kind of say this chapter is closed, we're done, or
Speaker 1: do you want someone as a loose friend. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's all up to you. I can't tell you that,
Speaker 1: but at the end of the day, you need to
Speaker 1: do what's right for you, or as I was just
Speaker 1: kind of alluding to, you, kind of need to step
Speaker 1: away if it consistently, consistently leaves you feeling undervalued and
Speaker 1: drained and bad and not great about you as a person,
Speaker 1: and you're like, why am I hanging out with this person?
Speaker 1: What am I doing? They don't reflect my values, my morals,
Speaker 1: who I am anymore. It might be time to step away,
Speaker 1: and that's okay too. Some friendships have a season or
Speaker 1: many seasons, and they're not forever, and some friendships are forever.
Speaker 1: I have some friendships in my life that are forever,
Speaker 1: like they have been my rides or dies. You know
Speaker 1: who you are. I have some friends I've met later
Speaker 1: in life who I love and I can't imagine life
Speaker 1: ever with. And then I have people who I'm no
Speaker 1: longer friends with from over the years for variety of
Speaker 1: different reasons, and not a lot, but just a couple,
Speaker 1: and that's okay too. That's okay too, because who they
Speaker 1: are has changed so drastically, not for the better in
Speaker 1: my opinion, and I can't align myself with that I
Speaker 1: really can't. So all this to say is with friendship. Look,
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that if you're not really gelling with
Speaker 1: someone anymore that they're like a horrible, malicious, bad person.
Speaker 1: Sometimes people are just unaware. Sometimes they're emotionally unavailable. Sometimes
Speaker 1: they're just not invested and they don't know how to
Speaker 1: be a good friend. But the effect on you is
Speaker 1: what matters the most. And by the way, sometimes all
Speaker 1: of that may be true. But also some time there
Speaker 1: are people who just aren't good people in this world.
Speaker 1: I hate to say that because I always see the
Speaker 1: good in people, and it pains me to say that.
Speaker 1: Oh little alarm in New York, sorry about that, but
Speaker 1: oh gosh, prayers for everyone being okay. But anyway, I
Speaker 1: think it's okay to look at some people as like
Speaker 1: they're not a bad person, it's just not working for me.
Speaker 1: Or if you really do need to step away and
Speaker 1: someone is toxic, that is true too. Both can be true,
Speaker 1: both can be true, But at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: the effect they're making on you is what matters. It's
Speaker 1: what matters most. And the last thing I kind of
Speaker 1: want to say about this is when you're trying to
Speaker 1: sort through like, ugh, is this friendship for me? Is
Speaker 1: this a one sided friendship? I've been feeling a certain
Speaker 1: way for a while. An important question to ask yourself
Speaker 1: is am I holding on to who they are? Or
Speaker 1: do I keep hoping they'll become someone I need them
Speaker 1: to be? Am I holding on to who they are?
Speaker 1: Or do I keep hoping they'll become someone I want
Speaker 1: and need them to be? And that's a question to
Speaker 1: ask yourself. Hope can keep people stuck in one side
Speaker 1: of dynamics for a very long time because you want
Speaker 1: to see the best in someone and I've been there
Speaker 1: and I did that and it's a powerful thing. But
Speaker 1: you got to be honest with yourself too, And if
Speaker 1: you feel guilty about kind of walking away from a friendship,
Speaker 1: you just have to remember that relationships aren't always forever.
Speaker 1: And that's okay, it's really okay. The idea of you
Speaker 1: wanting mutual care and effort and love and respect, that's
Speaker 1: a normal it's not an unreasonable standard. That is a normal,
Speaker 1: normal standard. So don't jip yourself of that. So all
Speaker 1: this to say is one sided friendships are not fun.
Speaker 1: We should hold onto the people in our lives who
Speaker 1: make us feel so good because it's so important to
Speaker 1: have and we need friendship. We need it in our lives.
Speaker 1: We need a core group of people that we can
Speaker 1: turn to and know, well, be there no matter what.
Speaker 1: And if you're not getting that in somebody, thank you next, baby,
Speaker 1: Thank you next, You'll be okay. You're better off without
Speaker 1: feeling the negative ways you're feeling with this person in
Speaker 1: your life than not having them at all. Trust me,
Speaker 1: trust me, trust me, trust me, You're gonna feel so
Speaker 1: much better without it. So here's to surrounding ourselves with
Speaker 1: people who make us feel good and uplifted and joys
Speaker 1: and celebratory and all the things. And here's to kind
Speaker 1: of cutting the strings loose of the people that maybe
Speaker 1: don't make us feel our best. I've Never Said This
Speaker 1: Before is hosted by Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is
Speaker 1: executive produced by Andrew Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy,
Speaker 1: with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before
Speaker 1: is part of the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts.
Speaker 1: For more, rate review and subscribe to our show. And
Speaker 1: if you like this episode, tell your friends. Until next time,
Speaker 1: I'm Tommy Dedario two,