WEBVTT - Tommy Talk: THE RED FLAGS OF ONE-SIDED FRIENDSHIPS 

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<v Speaker 1>Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk, and today's topic is

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<v Speaker 1>one sided friendships. So in past Tommy Talks, I've told

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<v Speaker 1>you about a friend breakup and when it's time to

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<v Speaker 1>let go of a friendship. And it's something that I

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<v Speaker 1>dealt with in a big way last year. And I

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<v Speaker 1>haven't really thought much about this person. They're not part

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<v Speaker 1>of my everyday life. I genuinely don't have ill feelings

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<v Speaker 1>towards this person, like I feel like my life is

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<v Speaker 1>better off without them. Minute I don't miss them. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't miss the drama and the you know, angst and

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<v Speaker 1>stress that came from that friendship. So I really feel

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<v Speaker 1>like I've been in a great place without it. Well, recently,

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<v Speaker 1>I was at an event that I was working at

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<v Speaker 1>and I saw this person across the room. So what

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<v Speaker 1>happened was I was interviewing a lot of people. It

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<v Speaker 1>was getting really busy, really crazy. I had a moment

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<v Speaker 1>in between interviews and I look up and I see

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<v Speaker 1>one of my friends across the way. They don't see me.

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<v Speaker 1>Otherwise I obviously would have waved and I couldn't have

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<v Speaker 1>run over because I was busy getting ready for my

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<v Speaker 1>next interview. But I look to my right, and I

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<v Speaker 1>see this former friend who is staring at me, like

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<v Speaker 1>lock eyes looking at me. And before I could even

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<v Speaker 1>raise a hand to do like a gentle wave because

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<v Speaker 1>that's the classic thing to do, or I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>mouth hello something, this person looks the other way really quickly,

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<v Speaker 1>just like totally just darts the other way and looks

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<v Speaker 1>the other way as if like I don't know, I

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<v Speaker 1>guess it was a snub, just like a total snub.

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<v Speaker 1>And I'm sitting there thinking, my god, how immature are you?

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<v Speaker 1>Like we are all at a place where I'm here

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<v Speaker 1>doing my job, you're here doing your job. We're not

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<v Speaker 1>friends anymore, But is a hello the hardest thing in

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<v Speaker 1>the world for you to do. I don't want to

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<v Speaker 1>go run up to you and hug you and talk

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<v Speaker 1>to you, but I can wave a hello or say hello,

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<v Speaker 1>how are you? Something very simple, and you know, well

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<v Speaker 1>leave it at that. The fact that this person was

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<v Speaker 1>so dramatic and darted eyes and acted like, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>they just saw the devil in me, I'm like, come on, like,

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<v Speaker 1>come on, this is so childish and so immature, and

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<v Speaker 1>further legitimizes many reasons why we're no longer friends. So

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<v Speaker 1>it got me thinking about this topic of a one

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<v Speaker 1>sided friendship because then I went home and I was

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<v Speaker 1>sharing the story with some friends and the idea of

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<v Speaker 1>that whole friendship being one sided came up, and I'm like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>you know what, I think a lot of us go

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<v Speaker 1>through this. I think a lot of us have had

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<v Speaker 1>people in our lives where we hold on to something

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<v Speaker 1>that isn't quite what it once was, or we give

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<v Speaker 1>everything we can in that friendship but we get nothing back,

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<v Speaker 1>and it feels very one sided. And I think it's

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<v Speaker 1>worth talking about because I feel like in a friendship

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<v Speaker 1>it has to be reciprocal, like you need to get

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<v Speaker 1>what you deserve out of it as well. So what

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<v Speaker 1>is a one sided friendship in my opinion, Well, I

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<v Speaker 1>think that means you're usually the one always reaching out first,

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<v Speaker 1>always always always reaching out first, Conversations highly revolve around

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<v Speaker 1>them and not you at all. It's like, hello, are

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<v Speaker 1>you interested in my life at all? Like you haven't

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<v Speaker 1>asked me one question and you know things are going

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<v Speaker 1>on in my life and you haven't followed up about

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<v Speaker 1>any of them. That was a problem with this particular

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<v Speaker 1>person who knew there were some really upsetting things going

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<v Speaker 1>on and hard things going on for me at the

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<v Speaker 1>time that I poured my heart out in sharing, which

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<v Speaker 1>by the way, wasn't asked of me. I just kind

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<v Speaker 1>of on my own volunteer that information. Because this person

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<v Speaker 1>never asked me questions, I had to just say them myself,

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<v Speaker 1>and then there was never a follow up about it,

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<v Speaker 1>which is so bizarre because if someone told me the

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<v Speaker 1>things that I told this person, I would be like,

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<v Speaker 1>are you okay? How are you? Are you feeling good? Nothing? Nothing,

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<v Speaker 1>So conversations usually revolve around them in a way one sided friendship,

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<v Speaker 1>and then kind of piggybacking off of that. They're usually

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<v Speaker 1>unavailable when you need support and in your most trying

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<v Speaker 1>times when you need somebody to lean on, when you're

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<v Speaker 1>looking for them for a little comfort, they're not there.

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<v Speaker 1>They're not there to give it. They're either mia not

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<v Speaker 1>answering the phone, not acknowledging what you're saying, don't really

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<v Speaker 1>care what you're saying, acting like what you're saying is

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<v Speaker 1>no big deal. But then they expect you to show

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<v Speaker 1>up for them and their times of need. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>it's ultimate gaslighting. And that is something that happened with

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<v Speaker 1>this person, they suddenly felt like they had some sort

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<v Speaker 1>of issue going on in their life and lashed out

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<v Speaker 1>against me, accusing me of not being there for them.

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<v Speaker 1>And I'm like, wait a minute, I've been there for

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<v Speaker 1>you throughout the whole course of our friendship, and let's

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<v Speaker 1>talk about the twenty five times I needed you when

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<v Speaker 1>you weren't there. So it's just like this total unbalance

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<v Speaker 1>and it's gaslighting, and it's like they are not capable

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<v Speaker 1>of being available when you truly need them. But hey,

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<v Speaker 1>you better show up for them when they need you,

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<v Speaker 1>or you're the worst person in the world. Plans only

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<v Speaker 1>kind of happen if you initiate them. That's very one sided.

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<v Speaker 1>Now everybody gets busy, so I think you have to

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<v Speaker 1>take that one with a grain of salt. And some

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<v Speaker 1>people are just more of a planner or more of

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<v Speaker 1>an initiator, Like I'm maybe not the biggest planner. Like

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<v Speaker 1>I have some friends who are like, let's get dinner

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<v Speaker 1>on the books three months from now, and I love

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<v Speaker 1>that because that's just not me. So I think that's

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<v Speaker 1>really cool. But you, at least if you're not that

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<v Speaker 1>huge planner, like check in show someone you care. Message

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<v Speaker 1>them on Instagram, text them, call them like there are

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<v Speaker 1>ways to show you care. So it's nice to feel

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<v Speaker 1>like plans happen because two people want them to happen

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<v Speaker 1>and work towards them happening. And I guess, lastly, while

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<v Speaker 1>there's probably so many more, but the last thing coming

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<v Speaker 1>to mind right now is when you hang out with

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<v Speaker 1>this person, you maybe feel exhausted or unappreciated or unfulfilled

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<v Speaker 1>or drained because they monopolize all the time that you

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<v Speaker 1>have with them and make it about them right, or

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<v Speaker 1>they're complaining NonStop, or it's like the show, like I

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<v Speaker 1>always say, some people have plug in their name. Let's

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<v Speaker 1>say Tommy, it's the Tommy Show. Although please don't I

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<v Speaker 1>hope you don't view me like this, but it's like

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<v Speaker 1>all about them, and it's crazy and chaos, and you know,

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<v Speaker 1>it's just a lot like you leave those interactions being like, WHOA,

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<v Speaker 1>I need quiet, I need calm because that was totally

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<v Speaker 1>draining and I don't think this person really cared about

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<v Speaker 1>anything I did or had to say, Like it's very exhausting.

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<v Speaker 1>So those are all huge signs of a one sided friendship.

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<v Speaker 1>And I stand by the fact that I think healthy

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<v Speaker 1>friendships feel mutual, feel energizing, whereas one side it feels

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<v Speaker 1>the opposite. They feel draining and kind of like uncertain

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<v Speaker 1>every time you hang out with this person, what are

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<v Speaker 1>you gonna get? What kind of mood are you gonna get?

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<v Speaker 1>What's gonna happen? So, I don't know, in a friendship,

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<v Speaker 1>it shouldn't be that hard. There shouldn't be that many

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<v Speaker 1>question marks and walking on eggshells, like life is crazy.

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<v Speaker 1>You want your friendship time to be fun and breezy

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<v Speaker 1>and light and you know, laugh and have just total

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<v Speaker 1>enjoyment and time spent together. And yeah, there'll be times

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<v Speaker 1>when we're all going through hard times and you lean

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<v Speaker 1>on each other and you want that. You want support,

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<v Speaker 1>unconditional love and support. That's what a real friendship is.

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<v Speaker 1>So if you feel like you're in a one sided friendship,

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<v Speaker 1>like I very much did, they're very very important things

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<v Speaker 1>that you should do to protect your piece, to protect

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<v Speaker 1>your mental health, to protect your space. Number one is

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<v Speaker 1>pull back, Like pull back even in the beginning, pull

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<v Speaker 1>back slightly and see if they notice, see if they

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<v Speaker 1>pursue you a little bit, or maybe they don't, and

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<v Speaker 1>maybe they don't care. And maybe they want you to

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<v Speaker 1>pull back or letting you pull back, I should say,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's like, WHOA, Like you truly don't care that

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not around as much. I guess you don't value

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<v Speaker 1>this as much. That's a really interesting kind of telltale sign.

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<v Speaker 1>You can always communicate directly, like Hey, I feel like

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<v Speaker 1>I'm always the one reaching out, or I'm always the

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<v Speaker 1>one making plans, or I'm always the one asking you

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<v Speaker 1>how are you or what's going on with you? Or

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<v Speaker 1>I'm always the one supporting you when you're sad, like

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<v Speaker 1>why aren't you doing any of that for me? Fair warning,

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<v Speaker 1>the person that I'm no longer friends with can't handle that,

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<v Speaker 1>Like anything you say is an attack, So wouldn't it

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<v Speaker 1>have worked? And it would be fruitless because incapable of

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<v Speaker 1>having an emotional intelligent conversation. But there are a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of people that you can have that conversation, So it's

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<v Speaker 1>worth trying. If it's a friendship that means something to

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<v Speaker 1>you and you think the person can be receptive, it's

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<v Speaker 1>worth trying to communicate directly with them. And look if

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<v Speaker 1>if it's someone in your life who you don't want

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<v Speaker 1>to lose and they're not doing anything that detrimental to you.

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<v Speaker 1>You can always adjust your expectations, like if you want

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<v Speaker 1>to keep them as a more casual connection, and you're like, look,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to rely on this person. I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>gonna make plans. I'm not going to go out of

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<v Speaker 1>my way a lot. But will I see them for

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<v Speaker 1>a meal once a year or twice a year, sure,

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<v Speaker 1>Like I still want to have a slight connection to them.

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<v Speaker 1>That's fine too. You need to find what you want

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<v Speaker 1>out of that friendship and the level of intimacy you

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<v Speaker 1>want out of that friendship. For me, this person we

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<v Speaker 1>were like it was like a sibling, Like we were

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<v Speaker 1>so close, and I realized I don't want them in

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<v Speaker 1>my life at all because of how they were acting

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<v Speaker 1>and treating not only me but other people, and how

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<v Speaker 1>they were walking through this life. And I'm like, you

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<v Speaker 1>know what, this energy ain't for me. I don't want

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<v Speaker 1>that in my life. I decided that for me. But

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<v Speaker 1>you have to decide for you the level of a

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<v Speaker 1>relationship you do or don't want. Do you want to

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<v Speaker 1>kind of say this chapter is closed, we're done, or

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<v Speaker 1>do you want someone as a loose friend. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>that's all up to you. I can't tell you that,

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<v Speaker 1>but at the end of the day, you need to

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<v Speaker 1>do what's right for you, or as I was just

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<v Speaker 1>kind of alluding to, you, kind of need to step

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<v Speaker 1>away if it consistently, consistently leaves you feeling undervalued and

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<v Speaker 1>drained and bad and not great about you as a person,

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<v Speaker 1>and you're like, why am I hanging out with this person?

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<v Speaker 1>What am I doing? They don't reflect my values, my morals,

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<v Speaker 1>who I am anymore. It might be time to step away,

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<v Speaker 1>and that's okay too. Some friendships have a season or

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<v Speaker 1>many seasons, and they're not forever, and some friendships are forever.

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<v Speaker 1>I have some friendships in my life that are forever,

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<v Speaker 1>like they have been my rides or dies. You know

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<v Speaker 1>who you are. I have some friends I've met later

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<v Speaker 1>in life who I love and I can't imagine life

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<v Speaker 1>ever with. And then I have people who I'm no

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<v Speaker 1>longer friends with from over the years for variety of

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<v Speaker 1>different reasons, and not a lot, but just a couple,

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<v Speaker 1>and that's okay too. That's okay too, because who they

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<v Speaker 1>are has changed so drastically, not for the better in

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<v Speaker 1>my opinion, and I can't align myself with that I

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<v Speaker 1>really can't. So all this to say is with friendship. Look,

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<v Speaker 1>it doesn't mean that if you're not really gelling with

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<v Speaker 1>someone anymore that they're like a horrible, malicious, bad person.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes people are just unaware. Sometimes they're emotionally unavailable. Sometimes

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<v Speaker 1>they're just not invested and they don't know how to

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<v Speaker 1>be a good friend. But the effect on you is

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<v Speaker 1>what matters the most. And by the way, sometimes all

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<v Speaker 1>of that may be true. But also some time there

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<v Speaker 1>are people who just aren't good people in this world.

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<v Speaker 1>I hate to say that because I always see the

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<v Speaker 1>good in people, and it pains me to say that.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh little alarm in New York, sorry about that, but

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<v Speaker 1>oh gosh, prayers for everyone being okay. But anyway, I

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<v Speaker 1>think it's okay to look at some people as like

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<v Speaker 1>they're not a bad person, it's just not working for me.

0:11:20.800 --> 0:11:22.320
<v Speaker 1>Or if you really do need to step away and

0:11:22.320 --> 0:11:25.600
<v Speaker 1>someone is toxic, that is true too. Both can be true,

0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:27.760
<v Speaker 1>both can be true, But at the end of the day,

0:11:28.120 --> 0:11:31.120
<v Speaker 1>the effect they're making on you is what matters. It's

0:11:31.160 --> 0:11:33.640
<v Speaker 1>what matters most. And the last thing I kind of

0:11:33.640 --> 0:11:36.360
<v Speaker 1>want to say about this is when you're trying to

0:11:36.360 --> 0:11:38.840
<v Speaker 1>sort through like, ugh, is this friendship for me? Is

0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:41.200
<v Speaker 1>this a one sided friendship? I've been feeling a certain

0:11:41.240 --> 0:11:44.560
<v Speaker 1>way for a while. An important question to ask yourself

0:11:44.640 --> 0:11:47.640
<v Speaker 1>is am I holding on to who they are? Or

0:11:48.679 --> 0:11:53.199
<v Speaker 1>do I keep hoping they'll become someone I need them

0:11:53.200 --> 0:11:55.520
<v Speaker 1>to be? Am I holding on to who they are?

0:11:55.720 --> 0:11:58.160
<v Speaker 1>Or do I keep hoping they'll become someone I want

0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:00.679
<v Speaker 1>and need them to be? And that's a question to

0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:04.520
<v Speaker 1>ask yourself. Hope can keep people stuck in one side

0:12:04.520 --> 0:12:07.280
<v Speaker 1>of dynamics for a very long time because you want

0:12:07.280 --> 0:12:08.880
<v Speaker 1>to see the best in someone and I've been there

0:12:08.880 --> 0:12:13.000
<v Speaker 1>and I did that and it's a powerful thing. But

0:12:13.040 --> 0:12:15.719
<v Speaker 1>you got to be honest with yourself too, And if

0:12:15.760 --> 0:12:18.719
<v Speaker 1>you feel guilty about kind of walking away from a friendship,

0:12:19.040 --> 0:12:24.160
<v Speaker 1>you just have to remember that relationships aren't always forever.

0:12:24.400 --> 0:12:28.000
<v Speaker 1>And that's okay, it's really okay. The idea of you

0:12:28.080 --> 0:12:31.200
<v Speaker 1>wanting mutual care and effort and love and respect, that's

0:12:31.200 --> 0:12:34.240
<v Speaker 1>a normal it's not an unreasonable standard. That is a normal,

0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:38.240
<v Speaker 1>normal standard. So don't jip yourself of that. So all

0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:41.600
<v Speaker 1>this to say is one sided friendships are not fun.

0:12:42.080 --> 0:12:44.320
<v Speaker 1>We should hold onto the people in our lives who

0:12:44.320 --> 0:12:47.040
<v Speaker 1>make us feel so good because it's so important to

0:12:47.080 --> 0:12:50.240
<v Speaker 1>have and we need friendship. We need it in our lives.

0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:52.760
<v Speaker 1>We need a core group of people that we can

0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:55.080
<v Speaker 1>turn to and know, well, be there no matter what.

0:12:55.240 --> 0:12:58.679
<v Speaker 1>And if you're not getting that in somebody, thank you next, baby,

0:12:58.800 --> 0:13:02.240
<v Speaker 1>Thank you next, You'll be okay. You're better off without

0:13:02.640 --> 0:13:05.960
<v Speaker 1>feeling the negative ways you're feeling with this person in

0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:09.000
<v Speaker 1>your life than not having them at all. Trust me,

0:13:09.240 --> 0:13:11.000
<v Speaker 1>trust me, trust me, trust me, You're gonna feel so

0:13:11.080 --> 0:13:13.760
<v Speaker 1>much better without it. So here's to surrounding ourselves with

0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:17.680
<v Speaker 1>people who make us feel good and uplifted and joys

0:13:17.880 --> 0:13:21.880
<v Speaker 1>and celebratory and all the things. And here's to kind

0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:25.240
<v Speaker 1>of cutting the strings loose of the people that maybe

0:13:25.520 --> 0:13:30.760
<v Speaker 1>don't make us feel our best. I've Never Said This

0:13:30.840 --> 0:13:35.240
<v Speaker 1>Before is hosted by Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is

0:13:35.280 --> 0:13:39.720
<v Speaker 1>executive produced by Andrew Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy,

0:13:39.920 --> 0:13:43.920
<v Speaker 1>with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before

0:13:44.040 --> 0:13:47.720
<v Speaker 1>is part of the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts.

0:13:48.080 --> 0:13:51.480
<v Speaker 1>For more, rate review and subscribe to our show. And

0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:55.000
<v Speaker 1>if you like this episode, tell your friends. Until next time,

0:13:55.160 --> 0:14:01.880
<v Speaker 1>I'm Tommy Dedario two,