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Speaker 1: M h. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast,

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Speaker 1: a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all

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Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best

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Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hard

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Speaker 1: and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more

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Speaker 1: information or to find a therapist in your area, visit

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Speaker 1: our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While

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Speaker 1: I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast,

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Speaker 1: it is not meant to be a substitute for a

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Speaker 1: relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks

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Speaker 1: so much for joining me for session to zero two

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Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girl's podcasts. We'll jump into

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Speaker 1: the episode right after a quick word from our sponsors.

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Speaker 1: In April, I had a conversation with Dr Spirit all

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Speaker 1: about how we can share the Superwoman syndrome. Given all

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Speaker 1: that we've experienced this year, I think it's a timely

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Speaker 1: reminder to not measure ourselves against unrealistic standards and to

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Speaker 1: recognize that our worth does not come from how much

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Speaker 1: pain we can withstand. As a reminder, Doctor Spirit is

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Speaker 1: a licensed professional counselor nationally certified counselor, parenting coordinator, child

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Speaker 1: sexual abuse prevention facilitator, certified forensic mental health evaluator, and

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Speaker 1: marriage officiant. You may also have seen her hosting the

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Speaker 1: popular series Love Goals on the Own network. If there's

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Speaker 1: something that usinates with you while enjoying our conversation, please

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Speaker 1: share with us on social media using the hashtag tv

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Speaker 1: g in session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much

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Speaker 1: for joining us today's spirit. Oh, it is my pleasure.

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Speaker 1: I'm so excited to be here with you. Yes, I

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Speaker 1: am very excited that we will have this conversation today.

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Speaker 1: So this has been a highly requested topic to talk

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Speaker 1: all about the strong black woman, the black superwoman, and

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Speaker 1: it being time for us to take our capes off. Girl. Please,

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Speaker 1: let's take them off. Let's untie the let's burn um,

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Speaker 1: let's do whatever. Let's get it done. Yeah. So, I mean,

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Speaker 1: you know, this is something that has been talked about

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Speaker 1: quite a lot in mental health circles. And there was

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Speaker 1: a recent video that just came out from Because Facts,

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Speaker 1: which is a series from A plus J that talked

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Speaker 1: about all of the health impacts that being strong black

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Speaker 1: women can have on us. So, can you start by

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Speaker 1: telling us a little bit about what this stereotype is

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Speaker 1: and where it came from. Oh. Absolutely. So you know

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Speaker 1: what don't we talk about when we say this strong

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Speaker 1: black women or this strong black woman, is that black

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Speaker 1: women have a history of being known for being some

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Speaker 1: of the strongest women on earth. And of course we have.

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Speaker 1: I mean, if you look at where we've come from,

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Speaker 1: if you look at what the struggle of African Americans

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Speaker 1: in the United States has been, there was a time

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Speaker 1: and a place where we had to do that. And

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Speaker 1: so although many people look at it and say, listen,

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Speaker 1: it's started as a way for us to really be

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Speaker 1: able to sidesteps some of these negative stereotypes about us. Historically,

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Speaker 1: we talked about the mammy, the one that was the

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Speaker 1: caretaker and who looked out for everybody. But it was

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Speaker 1: a really disrespectful, almost ambiguous kind of description or characteristic

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Speaker 1: or characterization of Black women. Um then there was the Jezebel,

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Speaker 1: this idea that all the black women were hyper sexual

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Speaker 1: and the only thing that we were good for is

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Speaker 1: the value that was created from our physical bodies. And

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Speaker 1: then if we weren't the Mammy or we weren't the

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Speaker 1: jezze Bells, then of course we had to be the

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Speaker 1: woman that everybody has come to know and almost I

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Speaker 1: would say hate or hate to love in the last

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Speaker 1: two decades is that angry black woman. And so a

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Speaker 1: lot of people have this idea that the superwoman, the

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Speaker 1: superhero black woman has emerged as a way to counter

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Speaker 1: all of those stereotypes and to say, listen, we're not

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Speaker 1: mam means we're not Jezze Bells, and we're not angry.

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Speaker 1: We have it all together, we can do all things.

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Speaker 1: We are all powerful, and we will not crack under

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Speaker 1: the pressure no matter what is given to us. And

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Speaker 1: so out of these archetypes has come this new evolution

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Speaker 1: of this idea of what it means to be a

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Speaker 1: black woman, but that in and of itself is reaking

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Speaker 1: its own havoc amongst us. Yeah, and it does feel

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Speaker 1: like there has been growing conversation, you know, with black

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Speaker 1: women realizing like, look, we don't have to play into

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Speaker 1: this stereotype, like it's okay for us to not be strong.

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Speaker 1: But I also think that there is some real pride

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Speaker 1: attached to it. And if it's like there's this really

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Speaker 1: weird tension there, and you know, it's so funny joy

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Speaker 1: that you say that, because my experience is actually not

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Speaker 1: even that we don't have to live up to it,

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Speaker 1: but it's almost a breaking under the pressure that I

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Speaker 1: can no longer live up to it. I'm looking to

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Speaker 1: the left, I'm looking to the right, and I use

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Speaker 1: all these external cues to tell me who I should be,

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Speaker 1: particularly in this age of social media. Right, everybody looks

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Speaker 1: like they are having the time of their lives. They

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Speaker 1: have no worries, they have no struggles, and you know,

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Speaker 1: everyone is trying to keep up with the jones is

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Speaker 1: for lack of a better way to say it, but

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Speaker 1: what black women are finding is, wait a minute, behind

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Speaker 1: this stereotype, underneath this cape, I am buckling under the pressure.

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Speaker 1: I am I can't breathe under the weight of all

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Speaker 1: of this. And unfortunately, what they are finding is that

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Speaker 1: they are fatigued, they are broken, and they are bruised,

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Speaker 1: and they simply cannot do it anymore. And so that's

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Speaker 1: why it's important for us to help black women understand

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Speaker 1: one that they're not alone too, that this is a

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Speaker 1: stereotype or a myth that's impossible to live up to,

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Speaker 1: and three that trying to do so is only going

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Speaker 1: to kill you in the long run. So when you

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Speaker 1: hear the idea that black don't crack, oh, I'm quick

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Speaker 1: to tell my clients, Oh, yes, it does. It just

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Speaker 1: cracks from the inside out. M mmm in spirit. Are

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Speaker 1: you see that? That is typically where a lot of

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Speaker 1: your clients will then come into therapy when they've like

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Speaker 1: hit this breaking point. Oh my goodness, I'm so glad

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Speaker 1: that you asked that, because if I tell my clients,

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Speaker 1: particularly with women, since we're talking about this idea today,

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Speaker 1: is that it's all most never the thing that brings

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Speaker 1: you in. You know, it's not the presenting symptom, because see,

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Speaker 1: since we have the cape on, we don't realize that

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Speaker 1: there's an issue. We usually you're coming in for something else.

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Speaker 1: We're coming in because our relationship is not working out.

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Speaker 1: We're coming in because we need some help with our

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Speaker 1: children getting them together. We're coming in because we've recently

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Speaker 1: lost our mother, the matriarch or our grandmother, um, and

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Speaker 1: so we're just trying to get just the slightest bit

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Speaker 1: of help, but not too much, because you know, I'm

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Speaker 1: a strong woman, and that's part of the archetype. It's

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Speaker 1: the idea that I really don't need help from others.

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Speaker 1: So I just need something to get me to the

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Speaker 1: next step, just a little something to take the edge off,

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Speaker 1: and then I'll be good again. But what happens when

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Speaker 1: you get in front of a therapist like me who

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Speaker 1: does that really deep, deep work, that does that family

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Speaker 1: of origin work, that does the childhood trauma work. What

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Speaker 1: you're able to learn is one that it's okay to

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Speaker 1: step away from this archetype, and two you have every

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Speaker 1: right to deal with every part of you that makes

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Speaker 1: you human. I really like that spirit, and as you

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Speaker 1: were talking, it made me think about how scary that

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Speaker 1: might be, Like if you have invested in this identity

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Speaker 1: as a strong black woman, how scary it might be

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Speaker 1: to sit with a therapist and have them start peeling

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Speaker 1: that back. Oh my goodness, it can be very disconcerting,

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Speaker 1: especially for the client that's not prepared for that. So

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Speaker 1: one of the things that I talked about, especially in

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Speaker 1: that initial session, is what brought you in? What are

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Speaker 1: you hoping to get out of this session or this

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Speaker 1: work together, and how will we know when we got there?

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Speaker 1: And so as we begin to kind of look at

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Speaker 1: some of those things, when I realized, oh, we've we're

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Speaker 1: bumping up against that archetype. Oh, there may be more

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Speaker 1: to this. I do is make my client aware of that,

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Speaker 1: ask them are they able to connect the dot and

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Speaker 1: are they interested in going there? Because the therapy is

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Speaker 1: not about taking somebody further or faster than they're willing

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Speaker 1: to go. It's helping them rediscover themselves in a place

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Speaker 1: that is safe, in a place that is comfortable, and

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Speaker 1: in a place that is loving and compassionate. And you

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Speaker 1: can only do that when a client is motivated to

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Speaker 1: do that and when they feel safe enough to do that.

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Speaker 1: So I'm always very careful about what that means. But

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Speaker 1: I'm also holding my clients accountable to themselves and to

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Speaker 1: the goals that they say that they want. So if

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Speaker 1: you're wanting to live your best life, then how m

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Speaker 1: getting real about what your life has been up until

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Speaker 1: this point benefit you and help you meet that goal.

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Speaker 1: And it's almost always the case that they want to

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Speaker 1: go further, because at the end of the day, most

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Speaker 1: of us really do want to live our best lives.

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Speaker 1: We're just afraid of the steps that it may take,

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Speaker 1: or we don't know what it's going to take to

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Speaker 1: get there, and that's where the challenge is lie. And

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Speaker 1: I think it's really important to highlight that spirit because

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Speaker 1: I do think that that does stop a lot of

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Speaker 1: people from maybe trying therapy. Is this fear of like

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Speaker 1: a therapist dragging them into something that feels like they

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Speaker 1: can't come back out of right, but the idea that

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Speaker 1: they really have a choice about. Okay, I'm identifying this

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Speaker 1: kind of thing and it looks like there may be

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Speaker 1: some work to do here. Do you feel like this

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Speaker 1: is a place you want to go? Hello? And not

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Speaker 1: only do you feel like this is the place you

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Speaker 1: want to go, but it's just the right time for

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Speaker 1: you to go there, because you know, when you begin

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Speaker 1: to pull back those layers, sometimes it's not the right time.

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Speaker 1: If I'm already stressed and I'm doing everything that i

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Speaker 1: can to hold it together, perhaps this isn't the moment

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Speaker 1: to look at some of the things that might lead

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Speaker 1: me to fall apart. And I will have clients to

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Speaker 1: tell me that all the time, and I'll say, listen,

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Speaker 1: do you realize that you are on the verge of

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Speaker 1: what you know? Especially in African American culture, we have

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Speaker 1: traditionally called a nervous breakdown. Do you realize that you're

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Speaker 1: on the verge of that or i e. That you

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Speaker 1: may need some more intensive support, some more intensive therapy,

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Speaker 1: or even looking at possible hospitalization. And I cannot tell

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Speaker 1: you the number of black women Dr Joys who have

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Speaker 1: said to me, Spirit, I don't have time for a breakdown.

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Speaker 1: The kids is acting have my husband is going crazy,

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Speaker 1: my job is going crazy. I don't have time. And

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Speaker 1: they actually want to schedule hospitalization like they schedule a

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Speaker 1: many petty and I have to say, girlfriend, let's talk

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Speaker 1: about this case because here it is that you think

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Speaker 1: you can control time and the problem is you think

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Speaker 1: you have more time than you actually do. So how

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Speaker 1: do we get real and how do we shake off

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Speaker 1: some of the characteristics that are associated with the schema

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Speaker 1: so that you can finally focus on you and be

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Speaker 1: your best you? And once we talk about those areas

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Speaker 1: that are related to what it means to live under

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Speaker 1: that black superwoman archetypes, then they're able to see, oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, I do do that. And I didn't even

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Speaker 1: have any idea that that's what it was or that's

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Speaker 1: what it was related to. More from our conversation after

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Speaker 1: the break So, Sarah, I think it is fine to

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Speaker 1: have maybe almost like an academic discussion about like what

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Speaker 1: this archetype looks like. But I do think listeners will

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Speaker 1: benefit from hearing, like how do I know if this

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Speaker 1: is something I'm struggling with? Like how would a person

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Speaker 1: recognize that they may be dealing with some of this

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Speaker 1: superwoman stuff? Oh yeah, so let's talk about it. Because

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Speaker 1: the actual woman who really is the is credited with

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Speaker 1: characterizing this. She said that there were five simple archetypes,

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Speaker 1: and maybe they were a little more technical, but I

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Speaker 1: like for our listeners to be able to relate to it.

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Speaker 1: I like to talk about mental health in a way

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Speaker 1: that everybody can understand. So let's just keep it really simple,

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Speaker 1: because I want people to see themselves. Okay, So there

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Speaker 1: are five characteristics that go along with this particular schema,

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Speaker 1: and the first one is this obligation to present an

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Speaker 1: image of strength always. I am strong, I am powerful,

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Speaker 1: I am woman. Hear me roar. And not only is

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Speaker 1: that how I see myself, but I feel the pressure,

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Speaker 1: whether it's from other women. And those women could be

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Speaker 1: my girlfriends, it could be my mother, it could be

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Speaker 1: from stories passed down. I have an obligation to present

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Speaker 1: black women to the world in this strong, powerful way,

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Speaker 1: and I will not let us down. So it's this

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Speaker 1: collective idea of how I need to be presenting all

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Speaker 1: the time, and that's from a place of strength. The

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Speaker 1: second characteristic is I have an obligation to suppress my emotions.

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Speaker 1: So basically, what does that mean, dr Joy, That means

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Speaker 1: you're never gonna see me sweat. You're not gonna to

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Speaker 1: hear that this is hard. You're not gonna hear that

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Speaker 1: this is too much. You're not gonna hear that this

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Speaker 1: hurts me, or this frustrates me, or I don't understand

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Speaker 1: how to do this. I'm going to look like I

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Speaker 1: always have it together, even if the world is falling

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Speaker 1: apart around my feet. You will never ever know it.

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Speaker 1: The third part of this archetype is this idea that

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Speaker 1: we cannot be dependent on help from others and we

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Speaker 1: are not vulnerable. There is nothing wrong with me. All

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Speaker 1: my bills are paid on time. I've got it going on.

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Speaker 1: I know how I'm handling everything. I am not a

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Speaker 1: weak person, and I am not vulnerable to anything that

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Speaker 1: may come my way. I'm ready for every challenge. I

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Speaker 1: can do it on my own, and I don't need

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Speaker 1: anybody's help in order to survive. The next one is

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Speaker 1: a motivation to succeed against all odds. Black women have

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Speaker 1: known or have long been known for making a way

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Speaker 1: out of no way. You know what we're talking about,

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Speaker 1: making ends meet, riding into the wheels, fall off when

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Speaker 1: you feel like you're at the end of your rope,

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Speaker 1: tie a knot, and hang on. All of those things

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Speaker 1: that have been passed on from generation to generation since

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Speaker 1: we step foot on this continent, the idea that you

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Speaker 1: make a way out of no way, and so that

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Speaker 1: becomes part of our belief system that I always have

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Speaker 1: to be able to figure it out and make a

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Speaker 1: way out of no way. And then that last characteristic

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Speaker 1: that falls under that whole Superwoman schema is the idea

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Speaker 1: that it is my responsibility to put others before myself.

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Speaker 1: It is my I I can wait, I can go without,

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Speaker 1: I can do without. I can I'm the strongest one

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Speaker 1: in the bunch. I always have to put the needs

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Speaker 1: of others in front of me, and I will deal

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Speaker 1: with me later on. And the problem is that we

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Speaker 1: never deal with us, and that is where we go awry.

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Speaker 1: And what makes it all the more or worse is

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Speaker 1: that we as black women, are so collective that we

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Speaker 1: get into what's known as network stress, which means I'm

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Speaker 1: not even just worried about my own situation, but I'm

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Speaker 1: worried about and affected by the situation of others that

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Speaker 1: are connected to me. So if my mother is in trouble,

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Speaker 1: her pain is my pain. If my girls are in trouble,

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Speaker 1: their pain is my pain. If my neighbors are in trouble,

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Speaker 1: their problems are my problems. But this network of any

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Speaker 1: and everyone that I'm connected to, I have an obligation

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Speaker 1: to put them before me, to rescue them and take

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Speaker 1: on their pains and burdens as my own. Now wouldn't

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Speaker 1: that be enough for anybody to crack under? M hmmm. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: In the video even talks about like how black women

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Speaker 1: do that more than other people, like taking on the shoes,

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Speaker 1: and the stress actually feels as if the stressful situation

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Speaker 1: is happening to you. Oh, absolutely, And that goes back

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Speaker 1: to that collection stivis a mentality. You know, we have

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Speaker 1: always been about being our brother's keeper. And you hear

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Speaker 1: these kind of uh colloquialisms and analogies within our community,

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Speaker 1: and they are passed down from generation to generation and

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Speaker 1: you come to own them as a particular obligation. You

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Speaker 1: don't want to drop the ball. You don't want to

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Speaker 1: be the weak link. You don't want society to be

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Speaker 1: able to look at you as negative stereotypes that have

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Speaker 1: traveled and been passed down from generation to generation as

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Speaker 1: it relates to us as a group. And so basically

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Speaker 1: you decide they will never see me sweat and why

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Speaker 1: because they're not supposed to. But that couldn't be further

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Speaker 1: from the truth. Dr Joy. We all sweat, right of course,

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Speaker 1: of course. And see's here this is where I find

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Speaker 1: myself like really struggling with like the tension of this,

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Speaker 1: because I think that there is something very powerful about

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Speaker 1: the fact that our culture is collective and you know

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Speaker 1: that I am my sister keep it like I feel

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Speaker 1: like I and a lot of people like take real

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Speaker 1: pride in that. But of course, as you mentioned, there's

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Speaker 1: a point at which that goes too for so what

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Speaker 1: is the boundary, like how how can we continue to

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Speaker 1: take care of each other but also know when we

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Speaker 1: have to kind of make a line that you can't

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Speaker 1: go to part with that? Yes, well you know, and

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Speaker 1: I'm Actually, I'm so glad that you're asking that, because

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Speaker 1: I feel like this conversation is so timely because here,

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Speaker 1: as we look at April, April is National Stress Awareness Months.

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Speaker 1: And so what we know is that Black women are

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Speaker 1: disproportionately affected by stress just due to the high demands

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Speaker 1: of our daily lives, our struggles, and our inability or

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Speaker 1: unwillingness to shake off this black superwoman complex, if you will.

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Speaker 1: And so what we have to do is we have

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Speaker 1: to pay attention to us as individuals. And when I

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Speaker 1: say us, I'm not talking about this network stress, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I am talking about we have to go inward and

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Speaker 1: look in first instead of outside, because the reality is

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Speaker 1: you cannot pour from an empty cup. It is impossible.

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Speaker 1: And so we have to decide that when we get

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Speaker 1: ourselves together, we want to be together not just from

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Speaker 1: head to toe, but from the inside out. And we

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Speaker 1: have to be aware of what kind of things cause

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Speaker 1: stress for us. We have to be aware of those

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Speaker 1: early signs of stress so that we know when it's

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Speaker 1: taking a toll on us. We have to know how

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Speaker 1: to manage our stress, and we have to know how

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Speaker 1: and what to do if we find that we can't

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Speaker 1: handle the stress that we're under understanding that that does

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Speaker 1: not make us weak, but in fact, it makes us stronger. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So that that feels like a great compromise, right, Like,

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Speaker 1: in order to continue to take care of the community,

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Speaker 1: you first need to take care of yourself. Come on.

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Speaker 1: And then we also have to understand. I love to

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Speaker 1: tell my clients this over and over again. You don't

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Speaker 1: have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

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Speaker 1: You do not have to do it. But unfortunately, all

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Speaker 1: of these lessons that we're talking about go against this

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Speaker 1: superwoman complex that we've been taught, that we've been conditioned

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Speaker 1: to believe. And so the moment that we take our

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Speaker 1: eyes off of others, the moment that we decide I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to take on the problems of someone else,

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Speaker 1: because there's a difference between helping, enabling and taking on,

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Speaker 1: and far too often we don't know the difference, and

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Speaker 1: we find ourselves overly involved in other people's situations, believing

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Speaker 1: that that's what we're supposed to do. I'm strong enough,

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Speaker 1: I got this. I don't want to see you suffer.

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Speaker 1: I won't suffer if I take this on. We have

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Speaker 1: to realize our own humanists. We have to give one

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Speaker 1: another permission to be human, and most importantly, we have

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Speaker 1: to give ourselves permission to be human and protect ourselves.

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Speaker 1: Our minds are bodies, and our spirits as a temple,

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Speaker 1: as a very very fragile, precious temple, and we only

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Speaker 1: have one, and we don't get a second chance as

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Speaker 1: far as we know. So, Sara, as you were talking

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Speaker 1: about like one of the characteristics related to this superwoman complex,

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Speaker 1: you mentioned the idea that it causes us to have

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Speaker 1: issues with health seeking behavior. And I often think about

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Speaker 1: My experience has been that black women tend to want

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Speaker 1: other black women therapists most of the time. It feels like,

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Speaker 1: at least in my experience, but I do feel like

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Speaker 1: there is some difficulty when you are working with another

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Speaker 1: black woman therapists who you presume has it together, that

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Speaker 1: it feels like it it makes it more difficult maybe

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Speaker 1: for you to step into a more emotional space or

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Speaker 1: to admit that you're struggling because of this need to

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Speaker 1: kind of have this presentation, you know, And I think

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Speaker 1: that that's highly possible. Dr Joy And to that, what

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Speaker 1: I would say is then that would be a challenge

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Speaker 1: not for that woman who comes in and sits in

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Speaker 1: that chair, but more so a challenge for those black

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Speaker 1: female therapists to have the awareness, because I think that

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Speaker 1: that's part of the cultural competency piece that we're all

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Speaker 1: challenged and charged to have to be to have to fulfill.

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Speaker 1: I think we need to understand that about the client

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Speaker 1: that is sitting in front of us, and then we

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Speaker 1: have to be the ones to take charge and know

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Speaker 1: how can I make that okay for her? And so

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Speaker 1: I can tell you that for me in my therapy

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Speaker 1: or in my therapeutic orientation, it's very important that my

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Speaker 1: clients understand straightaway that one, I'm not your girlfriend, even

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Speaker 1: though we may have that connection and we may be

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Speaker 1: able to speak a certain way and we may be

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Speaker 1: able to use references that each of us get just

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Speaker 1: from a cultural place because we are culturally similar. But

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Speaker 1: I also want them to know that I am not

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Speaker 1: the expert in their lives that they are, and I'm

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Speaker 1: just here to reflect back to them their journey as

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Speaker 1: they understand it, or even to help them understand it

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Speaker 1: in a different way. And most importantly, I want them

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Speaker 1: to understand at all times that I am human just

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Speaker 1: like them, and to that I will off and tell

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Speaker 1: my clients, and they will tell you back as they

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Speaker 1: are out in the street stalk and other people, or

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Speaker 1: as they refer people to me, and they'll say, you know,

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Speaker 1: one of the things that so and so told me

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Speaker 1: is she said that you do not play about putting

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Speaker 1: you up on the pedestal. And I will tell them immediately, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: because let me tell you, do not look at me

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Speaker 1: and think that you know what my life is about.

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Speaker 1: I have no problem sharing my struggle with you over

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Speaker 1: the years if I think that that would be therapeutically

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Speaker 1: appropriate and there would be some value to that. But

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Speaker 1: if for even a single second I think that you

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Speaker 1: are using me as your measuring stick, then I will

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Speaker 1: not only point out the pedestal that I'm concerned that

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Speaker 1: you're placing me on, but I will jump off head first.

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Speaker 1: And I will not only I will not only do

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Speaker 1: that to break the idea of perfection for you, but

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Speaker 1: also to show you that I can take that leap

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Speaker 1: and still survive and the world hasn't fallen off of

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Speaker 1: its axis. So I will do it to be a

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Speaker 1: model to you, to be a mirror to you, to

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Speaker 1: show you what is possible when you shake off that cap. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and it feels like that's where some really good work

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Speaker 1: can happen, right like through that but learning that they

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Speaker 1: can see that I can take this risk, and yes,

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Speaker 1: I'd be like, oh it's getting good now girl, were

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Speaker 1: getting into your growth. We on the now, we're in

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Speaker 1: the journey. Now that you put your shoes back on.

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Speaker 1: Because see, the real deal is, I can never tell

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Speaker 1: you what your journey is like. And it's not for

433
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:46,160
Speaker 1: me to judge your journey because I will never ever

434
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,600
Speaker 1: be able to walk a single mile in your shoes,

435
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:51,360
Speaker 1: and so it is not for me to judge your journey.

436
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:54,119
Speaker 1: It is not for me to assess where you should

437
00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:56,439
Speaker 1: be in your journey. How can I do that with

438
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,840
Speaker 1: something that I can't experience in the same way that

439
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:02,040
Speaker 1: you will never be able to do the same in

440
00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:06,200
Speaker 1: my life? And so A plus B always equal. See

441
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:09,920
Speaker 1: in your own life, if you look at your A

442
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,200
Speaker 1: and you look at your B, it is no wonder

443
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:16,400
Speaker 1: that you are at C right where you are sitting now.

444
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:19,960
Speaker 1: And it's all about helping you to unpack the journey.

445
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:23,520
Speaker 1: So once you understand and are able to make those connections,

446
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,800
Speaker 1: you then become empowered and in control of where C,

447
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,880
Speaker 1: D and E take you, and that's really what it's

448
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,720
Speaker 1: all about. Yeah, I like that spirit more from our

449
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:49,280
Speaker 1: conversation after the break. So, what would you suggest to

450
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,080
Speaker 1: people who may be listening to this episode and they're like, oh,

451
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,840
Speaker 1: my goodness, I do recognize this in myself. I feel

452
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:57,399
Speaker 1: like this may be can struggle with what kinds of

453
00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:00,159
Speaker 1: like tips or strategies might you have for people who

454
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,920
Speaker 1: think that this may be any issue for them? Well,

455
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,040
Speaker 1: you know, I always say, and this is just my

456
00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:09,480
Speaker 1: bias is a therapist, therapy, therapy and more therapy. Okay.

457
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,800
Speaker 1: I believe that it is imperative that at some point

458
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,560
Speaker 1: in your journey, and really, to be quite frank with you,

459
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:19,960
Speaker 1: at multiple joints points in your journey, that you would

460
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:23,720
Speaker 1: give yourself the gift of therapy and getting on somebody's couch,

461
00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:27,840
Speaker 1: because we all deserve and we all can benefit from

462
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:31,679
Speaker 1: the idea of sitting with somebody who is trained to

463
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:35,840
Speaker 1: help guide us in a place and in a way

464
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 1: where they are as objective a person as I am

465
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,480
Speaker 1: ever going to be. They are not invested in my

466
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:46,760
Speaker 1: situation at all, so they have no stake in this.

467
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:48,520
Speaker 1: You know, I love to tell my clients I have

468
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:51,560
Speaker 1: no horse in your race. I'm not betting one way

469
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,880
Speaker 1: or the other. I know nothing about anybody else. This

470
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:58,920
Speaker 1: is just about your individual performance for where you are now,

471
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:01,399
Speaker 1: where you're trying trying to go, and how do you

472
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,800
Speaker 1: connect those dots. And so I would say that therapy

473
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:08,480
Speaker 1: gives you one of the best ways to absolutely be

474
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,840
Speaker 1: able to do that. But then you have to look

475
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:13,919
Speaker 1: at the other parts of that because therapy, for most people,

476
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:17,920
Speaker 1: it's just once twice or three or four times a month,

477
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:21,720
Speaker 1: depending on how you set up your therapeutic journey. But

478
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:25,400
Speaker 1: that is just a few minutes once a week if

479
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:29,440
Speaker 1: you're lucky, right, that means that you have six other

480
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:33,320
Speaker 1: days and twenty three other hours in the to have

481
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,399
Speaker 1: to engage in this journey with you as the leader,

482
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 1: without your therapist there to guide you or to support

483
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,600
Speaker 1: you or walk you through. So you have to know,

484
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 1: how do I take time for myself, how do I

485
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,960
Speaker 1: what do I mean to do to get this journey right?

486
00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:53,120
Speaker 1: And so in addition to that therapeutic processing, you also

487
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:58,000
Speaker 1: have to think about eating right, sleeping right, moving right.

488
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,360
Speaker 1: And you know, in the moving right, I say that's

489
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:03,480
Speaker 1: both getting the exercise that you need, and that's also

490
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:05,679
Speaker 1: getting the rest that you need. And we don't do

491
00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:07,840
Speaker 1: the rest part well, and a lot of us are

492
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:10,560
Speaker 1: doing the exercise part well either. Let's just be real

493
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,879
Speaker 1: and then, even more importantly, sometimes than all of those

494
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:19,160
Speaker 1: things combined, we have to learn as black women how

495
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:23,679
Speaker 1: to set limits. How to set limits understanding that no

496
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:28,040
Speaker 1: is a complete sentence, Understanding that I do not have

497
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:31,399
Speaker 1: to be all things to everybody, and there will come

498
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,120
Speaker 1: times where I have to say no to my friends,

499
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:38,240
Speaker 1: no to my family, no to my job, no to

500
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:42,760
Speaker 1: my church, even no to myself. I have to set

501
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:46,920
Speaker 1: boundaries so that I can be okay, because the real

502
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:55,080
Speaker 1: deal is that everybody, even pseudo superheroes, need time to rest, rejuvenate, recharge,

503
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:58,560
Speaker 1: and replenish, and we have to find a way to

504
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:02,760
Speaker 1: strike that balance in our lives lives. Those are great tips.

505
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,720
Speaker 1: So in addition to that, do you have any like

506
00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:08,800
Speaker 1: favorite resources related to this topic for people who maybe

507
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:11,440
Speaker 1: want to read more um or feel like, Okay, I

508
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:13,320
Speaker 1: want to do more work in this area, like any

509
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:16,720
Speaker 1: books or things that you enjoy. You know what it's

510
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 1: I don't really think that it's about books nowadays unfortunately,

511
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:25,120
Speaker 1: because I think that everybody is reading something. It's so interesting.

512
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:28,920
Speaker 1: I come into a session and I have clients, especially

513
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:31,280
Speaker 1: since we're talking about this archetype, and I want to

514
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:33,040
Speaker 1: be very clear because I don't want people to be

515
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 1: like Spirit said, don't read. No, that's not what I

516
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:40,200
Speaker 1: am saying. Okay, But what I am saying is when

517
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:42,720
Speaker 1: you were dealing with a woman who thinks that she

518
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:46,760
Speaker 1: is a superwoman, nine times I'd attend Dr Joy. She

519
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:50,960
Speaker 1: has already gone above and beyond to research the mess

520
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,200
Speaker 1: out of what she thinks her situation is. Because remember,

521
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:56,760
Speaker 1: she doesn't need help. She's trying to figure it out

522
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:59,400
Speaker 1: on her own, and she has the answer. So I'm

523
00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:02,120
Speaker 1: more like Lea to see that woman come into the

524
00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,760
Speaker 1: office and go, okay, I already know what's wrong with me.

525
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,040
Speaker 1: I think I know what my diagnosis is. And you go,

526
00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:11,200
Speaker 1: how is that possible that you could actually know that?

527
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 1: And she goes, oh, well, you know, I looked on

528
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:17,560
Speaker 1: the website and she'll name fifty million websites and I

529
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,240
Speaker 1: figured that out. I figured out that, you know, with

530
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,360
Speaker 1: my parents. Well, I'm sorry, that's my little bit to

531
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:27,520
Speaker 1: awaken up. Now that's the mama being the superhero. So

532
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:30,080
Speaker 1: but she says, just listen, I think I already have

533
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:34,160
Speaker 1: it figured out. And so what I say is, don't

534
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,760
Speaker 1: try to put the pieces together. Simply show up with

535
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:43,200
Speaker 1: your pieces in hand and allow somebody else to help

536
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:46,760
Speaker 1: walk you through the journey. In the same way as

537
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:49,400
Speaker 1: when you go to the salon and you're going to

538
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,800
Speaker 1: get a manny petty. You don't sit there and you

539
00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:54,080
Speaker 1: tell the woman, Okay, first you're gonna put my feet

540
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:56,280
Speaker 1: in the water. Okay. Now you're gonna make the water

541
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,360
Speaker 1: this Okay, Now it's time for you to take it

542
00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:01,080
Speaker 1: out right. We don't do that. You don't go to

543
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:03,640
Speaker 1: your favorite restaurant and say, okay, can you tell them

544
00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 1: that when they make mistake. First, I want them to

545
00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:08,640
Speaker 1: set the temperature at three fifty. Then I want them

546
00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:11,120
Speaker 1: to make sure that there's enough oil on the on

547
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,360
Speaker 1: the on the grill. We don't do those kinds of things.

548
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:18,080
Speaker 1: We simply show up and say I'm here to be

549
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,400
Speaker 1: a part of the experience. And so that's what I

550
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:24,640
Speaker 1: encourage all of the superwomen who are out there listening

551
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:27,880
Speaker 1: to this show right now, knowing that they are cracking

552
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:32,160
Speaker 1: under the weight, or knowing that their muscles are ready

553
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:35,840
Speaker 1: to give out, or that they are simply exhausted. Stop

554
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:39,400
Speaker 1: trying to read about it, Stop trying to study about it,

555
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,560
Speaker 1: stop trying to think that you have to have the answer.

556
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:47,600
Speaker 1: Simply show up, show up, and allow somebody to help you,

557
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,240
Speaker 1: even if nobody else ever gets to see, because that's

558
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:55,680
Speaker 1: the beauty of therapy, it's the confidentiality. Just show up.

559
00:31:56,360 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 1: Just show up nice. So any news are events that

560
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:03,040
Speaker 1: you have going on, are coming up that you want

561
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:05,680
Speaker 1: to share about, the easiest way for people to stay

562
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,720
Speaker 1: abreast of what it is that I'm doing, and if

563
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:10,680
Speaker 1: they want more information about how to do those things

564
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,720
Speaker 1: in terms of contacting me or watching or listening, simply

565
00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:18,840
Speaker 1: come to my social media um talk to Spirit and

566
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,840
Speaker 1: that's talk the number two Spirits. You can find me

567
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:24,680
Speaker 1: at Talk to Spirit on all of my social media,

568
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:27,880
Speaker 1: and I will always keep you abreast about what's going on,

569
00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:30,600
Speaker 1: not just in the month, not just in the week,

570
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:35,640
Speaker 1: but sometimes on the day, and more importantly, more importantly

571
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,280
Speaker 1: if they think or they know that they need help

572
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 1: or they just want to expand this conversation. One thing

573
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:44,280
Speaker 1: that I do know that I do each and every

574
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:48,280
Speaker 1: week without fail, is free Advice Friday. They can come

575
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:52,320
Speaker 1: to my Facebook page every Friday at noon Eastern Standard

576
00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:59,680
Speaker 1: time and we do a live Facebook chat featuring beautiful, wonderful, gifted, talented,

577
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:03,280
Speaker 1: knowledgible therapists from all over the country. As a matter

578
00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:05,280
Speaker 1: of fact, I think we've already seen you on the

579
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:08,320
Speaker 1: couch at least want Dr Joyce at least about time

580
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 1: to get you back, Okay, So they can definitely catch

581
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:15,320
Speaker 1: you for that, and I definitely would encourage you put

582
00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:18,840
Speaker 1: a tune in for that because those are great conversations. Yes,

583
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 1: we always have a ball and more importantly, we have

584
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,520
Speaker 1: the opportunity to talk to people directly, face to face,

585
00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:28,600
Speaker 1: whether they'd like to remain anonymous or whether they could

586
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:32,360
Speaker 1: care less, and they are there to get the information, tools,

587
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:35,800
Speaker 1: tips and resources that they need. So each and every Friday,

588
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 1: Free Advice Friday, you'll find old clips new clips of

589
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:42,520
Speaker 1: everything that it is that I'm doing. And also you

590
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:44,239
Speaker 1: can put in a request for me to do some

591
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,840
Speaker 1: other things. Like I said, you never know where the

592
00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:51,120
Speaker 1: work finds us exactly exactly. Well, thank you so much

593
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 1: for joining us. Today's spirit Oh it's gonna be on

594
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:57,880
Speaker 1: my pleasure listen. One of the things that we have

595
00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:00,440
Speaker 1: to continue to do is we have to continue to

596
00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:03,440
Speaker 1: support each other. We have to continue to look out

597
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:06,480
Speaker 1: for each other, and until we get to the point

598
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:09,960
Speaker 1: where we are able to retire these cakes for good.

599
00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 1: I challenge every woman out there within the sound of

600
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:18,399
Speaker 1: my voice, check up on your strong friend today. Check

601
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:21,000
Speaker 1: up on her. Check up on the one that never

602
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:24,080
Speaker 1: says she needs any help, that always seems to have

603
00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:27,560
Speaker 1: it together. Because the real deal is that helpers need

604
00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:31,160
Speaker 1: help too, and whether or not we ask for it,

605
00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:35,160
Speaker 1: each of us can benefit from it. And sometimes it's

606
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:38,440
Speaker 1: the one person that refuses the hug. It's the one

607
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:41,560
Speaker 1: person that refuses the help. It's the one person who

608
00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 1: hides behind I'm good, I'm fine, I'm okay. Understanding that

609
00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:49,359
Speaker 1: none of those things are a feeling, check up on

610
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:52,360
Speaker 1: them and give it to them anyway, because usually it

611
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:56,840
Speaker 1: feels so uncomfortable because they are cracking just trying to

612
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,680
Speaker 1: save face on the outside. So look out for your

613
00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:03,320
Speaker 1: super women today. Maybe give them a Kryptonite necklace for Christmas?

614
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:08,600
Speaker 1: How about that, Let's go with Vibranium of Love. It

615
00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:13,800
Speaker 1: come on forever. But isn't that the superwoman archetype all over,

616
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:21,839
Speaker 1: don't get me started. Take away for us to wrap up. Yes,

617
00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:24,640
Speaker 1: we'll say that for part two of that movie exactly

618
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:28,960
Speaker 1: exactly than you my pleasure. I can't wait to see

619
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:35,480
Speaker 1: you all again, God bless I hope you enjoyed my

620
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:38,719
Speaker 1: conversation with Dr Spirit. Be sure to check out the

621
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:41,360
Speaker 1: show notes to learn more about her work and to

622
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:44,400
Speaker 1: connect with her own social media. You can find those

623
00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:47,359
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session two

624
00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:50,040
Speaker 1: zero two. Don't forget that. If you're looking for a

625
00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:52,640
Speaker 1: therapist in your area, be sure to check out our

626
00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:57,200
Speaker 1: therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory.

627
00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:59,840
Speaker 1: And if you want to continue digging into this topic

628
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:03,200
Speaker 1: or just be in community with other sisters, come on

629
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,799
Speaker 1: over and join us in the Sister Circle. It's our

630
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:08,840
Speaker 1: cozy corner of the Internet designed just for black women.

631
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:11,879
Speaker 1: You can join us at community dot Therapy for Black

632
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:14,480
Speaker 1: Girls dot com. Thank you all so much for joining

633
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:17,040
Speaker 1: me again this week. I look forward to continue in

634
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:20,640
Speaker 1: this conversation with you all real soon. Take it care