1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,040 Speaker 1: All right, here it is. It's time for the Strawberry 2 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: Letter with my good friend Shirley. Thank you, my good friend. Junior. 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,880 Speaker 1: Subject I'm raising my children the old school way. Dear 4 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: Stephen Shirley. I am a married father of two girls, 5 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: and I have a problem at home. Last week, I 6 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: popped my sixteen year old daughter in the mouth after 7 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:23,480 Speaker 1: she raised her voice and her little sister, and then 8 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 1: raised her voice at me when I told her to stop. 9 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 1: When I hit her, she lunged at me and punched 10 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:34,519 Speaker 1: me in the face. I tried to hold her, I 11 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,320 Speaker 1: tried to hump starting to breathe of you right now. 12 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:40,680 Speaker 1: I tried to hold her to keep her from hitting 13 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,960 Speaker 1: me again, and we ended up scuffling in the floor 14 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,680 Speaker 1: like two dudes in a street fight. The whole time 15 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:50,320 Speaker 1: she was still yelling, and I was oh. I was 16 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:53,040 Speaker 1: trying to control my anger so I wouldn't hurt this child. 17 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:55,960 Speaker 1: Her bad behavior has been building up for a while, 18 00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:00,320 Speaker 1: and there were several incidences, incidents where I had to 19 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 1: punish her for her bad attitude or from making smart 20 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,240 Speaker 1: remarks when we ask her to do things. I have 21 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,440 Speaker 1: warned her in the past that no child of mine 22 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,120 Speaker 1: will ever talk to me crazy or disrespect me, and 23 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 1: I threatened to pop her in the mouth before she 24 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:16,040 Speaker 1: kept on trying me. I grew up under strict rules 25 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,200 Speaker 1: and I was taught to respect my elders. But my 26 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 1: wife grew up differently, so she doesn't understand my form 27 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,840 Speaker 1: of discipline. I am not an abusive father, and I 28 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:27,400 Speaker 1: do not hit my child hard. I did not hit 29 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,200 Speaker 1: her hard. It was just enough to get her attention. 30 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 1: I agree with my wife that I could have handled 31 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,880 Speaker 1: it differently, but I lost it when my daughter yelled 32 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,120 Speaker 1: at me. Now, whenever I try to talk to my daughter, 33 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:43,840 Speaker 1: my wife jumps in and escalates the situation and sides 34 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,400 Speaker 1: with my daughter. I'm praying for patience and guidance to 35 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,080 Speaker 1: move past this, but I cannot promise that I won't 36 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 1: react the same way if my child ever puts her 37 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,919 Speaker 1: hands on me again. I understand why my wife is upset, 38 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 1: but am I wrong? I would never intentionally hurt my 39 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: own child. Please advise, all right, listen, dad. As a 40 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:09,519 Speaker 1: parent myself, I understand, I deeply understand where you're coming from. 41 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,560 Speaker 1: I was raised this way as well. You know, the 42 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,399 Speaker 1: old school way. Spare the rod, spoil the child all 43 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:17,519 Speaker 1: of that, And no, I won't necessarily say you're wrong 44 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 1: for wanting to discipline your child and teach her some 45 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:25,280 Speaker 1: manners and all of that. But your heart is in 46 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:28,519 Speaker 1: the right place. But I just think, you know, as 47 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:33,000 Speaker 1: her dad, popping her in the mouth is a bit extreme, okay, 48 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:37,680 Speaker 1: and her behavior, her behavior is inexcusable. I will say 49 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:41,040 Speaker 1: that there's no way that I could not have survived 50 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,400 Speaker 1: in my house had I done this yelled at my 51 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:48,280 Speaker 1: mom or you know, or my parent and then on 52 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,120 Speaker 1: the floor tussling with my parents. No, no, no, no, 53 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,840 Speaker 1: uh you know. I will say this. This is a 54 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 1: problem I think between you and your wife and your 55 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,200 Speaker 1: parenting styles. Okay, this has been building up, like you say, 56 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,200 Speaker 1: and going on for too long. You and your wife 57 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:06,360 Speaker 1: are on two different pages, and you don't present a 58 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,120 Speaker 1: united front. Your daughter sees that she knows it. She 59 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 1: plays you guys against each other, and then your wife 60 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:16,000 Speaker 1: steps in and sides with your daughter and escalates the situation. 61 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,640 Speaker 1: Your family dynamic is way off. You and your wife 62 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,119 Speaker 1: to need to get to some sort of agreement on 63 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,519 Speaker 1: how you are going to discipline these children. You cannot 64 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:30,560 Speaker 1: have your daughter in your face and tussling on the 65 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 1: floor with She's got to understand that she can't do that. 66 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:37,440 Speaker 1: It's a respect situation going on here, and your wife 67 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,640 Speaker 1: can't allow this to happen either. She's got to step 68 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,120 Speaker 1: in and tell your daughter she's wrong. And until that 69 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,760 Speaker 1: happens between the two of you, your daughter is just 70 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,000 Speaker 1: going to keep doing it. But please don't don't hit 71 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 1: your daughter. Okay. Sometimes you know, you said, you kind 72 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,040 Speaker 1: of just snapped, you lost it. You know, you don't 73 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,840 Speaker 1: know sometimes your own strength, and you could really hurt 74 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,640 Speaker 1: your daughter. So back away from that, you and your daughter, 75 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: You and your wife talk about this situation about next time, 76 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:10,080 Speaker 1: how you handle your daughter, Steve and discipline her. Steve. 77 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 1: All right, first of all, just let me say this, bro, 78 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: before we even get too far in this letter. You're wrong. Bro. 79 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:21,240 Speaker 1: I just gotta tell you you wrong. I got four daughters. 80 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 1: I'm just telling you, man, you're handling this wrong. Bro. 81 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,400 Speaker 1: You just wrong. You said I'm raising my child the 82 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 1: old school way. Okay, Well, let me help you to 83 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:33,719 Speaker 1: a couple of things. I'm a married father, two girls. 84 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,839 Speaker 1: I have a problem at home. I popped my sixteen 85 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,080 Speaker 1: year old daughter in the mouth after she raised her 86 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:41,880 Speaker 1: voice at her little sister and then raised her voice 87 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,840 Speaker 1: at me when I told her to stop. You hit 88 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 1: your daughter in the mouth, dog, How does that sound? 89 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 1: I raised my kids the old school way. You hit 90 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:58,160 Speaker 1: your daughter in the mouth, She's sixteen. What message are 91 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 1: you sending to her from I'm a man that if 92 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,159 Speaker 1: you run your mouth to a man, he is sorry 93 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 1: for him to pop you in your mind. I don't 94 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,839 Speaker 1: care if you are her father. You can't hit your 95 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:11,040 Speaker 1: daughter in the mouth. Man. Not raising my kids old 96 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,160 Speaker 1: school for real. But I just gotta tell you, man, 97 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:21,120 Speaker 1: I've never hit one of my daughters. I've never spanked Brandy, Cary, Morgan, Lorie. 98 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,080 Speaker 1: None of them wanted to wanted to knock him out, 99 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:30,119 Speaker 1: but I didn't because I can't. Because I can't send 100 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,159 Speaker 1: that message to them that a man who loves you 101 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 1: should should be able to hit you. I love them, 102 00:05:37,279 --> 00:05:41,400 Speaker 1: I can't hit them, bro, That's the basic rule you've broke. Now. 103 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,960 Speaker 1: When I hit her, she lunged at me and punched 104 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,480 Speaker 1: me in my face. I try to hold it, keep 105 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,120 Speaker 1: her up from hitting me again. We ended up scuffling 106 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,400 Speaker 1: in the flow like two dudes in the street fight. 107 00:05:53,920 --> 00:06:00,919 Speaker 1: What yo, bro? What dog offling in the floor with 108 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:05,200 Speaker 1: your daughter like two dudes in a street fight. You 109 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:11,360 Speaker 1: raise your daughters, your daughters the old school Wait what, bro, 110 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,279 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, man, I'll be back. But you you hey man, 111 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,520 Speaker 1: you wrong dog? Ye man? Yeah, we're back, so listen 112 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 1: to me. I'm raising my children old school way. This 113 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:27,920 Speaker 1: man got two girls, got into an altercation last week 114 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: and popped his sixteen year old daughter in the mouth 115 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,560 Speaker 1: after she raised a voice too little, sis, and then 116 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,159 Speaker 1: raise a voice in me. I told her to stop. 117 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,800 Speaker 1: Then I hit her. She launched at me and punched 118 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 1: me in the face. I tried to hold her keep 119 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,080 Speaker 1: her from hitting me again, and we ended up scuffing 120 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 1: in the floor like two dudes in the street fight. Bro, 121 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:50,120 Speaker 1: I told you before, you're wrong for this on so 122 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: many levels. First of all, you should not be hitting 123 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 1: your daughter in the mouth period. Like Shirley said, I 124 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:02,000 Speaker 1: was raised the old school way. I raised my kids 125 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:06,520 Speaker 1: spared the rod, spawled the child. Cool. But I've never 126 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:10,040 Speaker 1: hit my daughters because I never wanted my daughters to 127 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 1: equate a man's love with physical abuse. You and your 128 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,640 Speaker 1: daughters in the man, you're supposed to love her, So 129 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,160 Speaker 1: now she thinks when a man get mad at her, 130 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,520 Speaker 1: it's okay for him. You know how many times a 131 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 1: woman has hit me and I've done nothing, So came, 132 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:28,080 Speaker 1: no woman hit you and you do nothing? Come on, bro, 133 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,040 Speaker 1: I mean, since we're talking old school, if you really 134 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,720 Speaker 1: want to go old school, no man should ever hit 135 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:39,400 Speaker 1: a woman or girl. That's old school. You should never 136 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:44,080 Speaker 1: fight in front of your kids with your wife. I 137 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:48,880 Speaker 1: can't let my sons abusing their mother. There's a lot 138 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,600 Speaker 1: of old school stuff. You're breaking everything, dog with just 139 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,360 Speaker 1: hitting this little girl right here. The whole time she 140 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,800 Speaker 1: was still yelling. I was trying to control my anger 141 00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:00,480 Speaker 1: so I wouldn't hurt this child. What what you're going 142 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,000 Speaker 1: to do to an No dog, you don't punch it 143 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: and popped in the mouth and you to flow wrestling 144 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 1: like like to do? What's next? Damn bro, bro? When 145 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: you typed the letter, did you read it? Her bad 146 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,640 Speaker 1: behavior has been building up for a while, and that 147 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,520 Speaker 1: was several incidents where I had to punish her for 148 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 1: her bad attitude or for making smart remarks when we 149 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 1: asked her to do things. She got a bad attitude. 150 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:33,760 Speaker 1: She punched you. Why's she get the punching from. Don't 151 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:36,560 Speaker 1: you got any any idea where she might have got 152 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:41,000 Speaker 1: the punching from because her daddy hit her in the mouth. 153 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,679 Speaker 1: I have wandered in the past, and no child of 154 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:47,840 Speaker 1: mine will ever talk to me crazy or disrespecting. It's 155 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,800 Speaker 1: a way to get there, a better result than the 156 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,480 Speaker 1: way you did. Man. So I popped in the mouth. 157 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:56,480 Speaker 1: I threatened to pop in the mouth before, but this 158 00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 1: time you did it. She kept on trying me. I 159 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 1: grew up in the strict rules, and I was taught 160 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,320 Speaker 1: to respect my elders. Well, you got to teach your 161 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:08,920 Speaker 1: daughter to do that, to respect they her elders. But 162 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,880 Speaker 1: popping her in the mouth. Now, if your wife popping 163 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 1: in the mouth, that's a whole other thing. But you, 164 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:18,679 Speaker 1: as a man popping your girl in the mouth. Bro, 165 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,440 Speaker 1: Come on, man, I'm not an abusive father and I 166 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:26,040 Speaker 1: did not hit my child hard. You are a man dog. 167 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 1: How hard do you have to hit the girl for 168 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,400 Speaker 1: it to have an effect? Come on, man, you're in 169 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,760 Speaker 1: a different weight class. You're and your daughter. Don't even wait, 170 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 1: the same fighters are in different weight classes. I didn't 171 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,120 Speaker 1: hear her hard. It was just enough to get her attention. 172 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:48,520 Speaker 1: Oh you got attention herw she came for you. I 173 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:51,200 Speaker 1: agree with my wife that I could have handled it differently. 174 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:56,000 Speaker 1: So why are we writing the letter? Dog? If you 175 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,840 Speaker 1: agree with your wife that you could have handled it differently, 176 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 1: why you writing the letter? So? But I lost it 177 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,600 Speaker 1: when my daughter yelled at me. Now, whenever I try 178 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,199 Speaker 1: to talk to my daughter, Hey, man, let me tell 179 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,640 Speaker 1: you something about you. Though a lot of men then 180 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,440 Speaker 1: yelled at you. You ain't hit him in the mouth, 181 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 1: Oh God, doc see yelling at you getting hit in 182 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:23,360 Speaker 1: the mouth is not the measuring stick. You know. Many 183 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:26,080 Speaker 1: dudes and yelled at me, and I'm glad that's all 184 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: they did when she yelled at me. Bro, I'm just 185 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,760 Speaker 1: telling you, I'm sorry. Man, try to talk to my daughter, 186 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,360 Speaker 1: my wife jumps in and escalates. She sighed with my daughter. 187 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 1: I'm praying for patience and guidance to move past this. 188 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:44,360 Speaker 1: What after all this, you're gonna drag the Lord in it? 189 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,120 Speaker 1: But I cannot promise that I won't react the same 190 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,720 Speaker 1: way if my child ever puts her hands on me again? 191 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:58,760 Speaker 1: Did you not put your hands on her first? See? Bro, 192 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,920 Speaker 1: I'm just sorry, man. I can't let you now. All 193 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,960 Speaker 1: is praying for patience and guidance from God. Then you say, 194 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,640 Speaker 1: I'll tell you what. I can't promise you that I 195 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:15,280 Speaker 1: ain't gonna do this again. What I understand why my 196 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:19,680 Speaker 1: wife is upset. But am I wrong? Dead wrong? I 197 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,320 Speaker 1: would never intentionally hurt my own child, but you can. 198 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 1: People have killed their kids before. I remember a few 199 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,040 Speaker 1: years ago this little boy was getting on his daddy nerve. 200 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,480 Speaker 1: He suckled, punched him in the chest. The boy died. 201 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:38,200 Speaker 1: I don't hit that hard. You're in a different way, class, homie. Yeah, 202 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,560 Speaker 1: you're wrong. And to every man out there is beating 203 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:45,520 Speaker 1: their daughters, you're wrong. You're wrong. You gotta find another 204 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,560 Speaker 1: way to talk to your daughter, man, because you cannot 205 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,080 Speaker 1: be the person that they say loves them as a 206 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:53,200 Speaker 1: male figure and teach them that a man that loves 207 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,880 Speaker 1: you should have also the right to hit you. You can. 208 00:11:55,960 --> 00:12:01,320 Speaker 1: We were backwards hill. I'm sorry, young partner. I ain't 209 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:05,079 Speaker 1: signing with you no way, shape, form of fashion. Your 210 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,640 Speaker 1: wife is right, should have handled a different way. I'm 211 00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 1: in the flow with my daughter wrestling like two dudes 212 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,760 Speaker 1: in the street. Man. Please all right. You can post 213 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,760 Speaker 1: your comments on today's Strawberry Letter at Steve Harvey FM. 214 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,120 Speaker 1: That's on Instagram and Facebook. And please don't forget to 215 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,679 Speaker 1: check out the Strawberry Letter podcast on demand. You're listening 216 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: to the Steve Harvey Morning Show.