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Speaker 1: Hi listeners, that's Emilia. As a special bonus to Crumbs,

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Speaker 1: I'm interviewing people close to me who were with me

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Speaker 1: throughout the journey, will reflect on life, my search for love,

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Speaker 1: and the impact the show had on them. This is

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Speaker 1: part two of my conversation with my mom Ilda. The

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Speaker 1: second half is about moments that left us forever changed,

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Speaker 1: moments that hurt more than we could have imagined, and

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Speaker 1: moments of healing, moments that ultimately made us stronger. If

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Speaker 1: you haven't heard the show yet, don't wait. Head back

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Speaker 1: to the feet and start the journey from step one.

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Speaker 1: We'll be here when you're done. What was your relationship

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Speaker 1: with Kiko? Like you've heard it in my first episode

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Speaker 1: you have, you know what my recollection of it was.

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Speaker 1: And it's hard to explain to someone because I don't

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Speaker 1: reason Chico. I don't hate him. He was like the

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Speaker 1: only father figure I had growing up. Well, look Kiko.

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Speaker 1: Everybody likes Kiko. Your grandmother loved him, Everyone in the

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Speaker 1: family loves him. Kicks a really pretty good person. He's

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Speaker 1: got a great kick. Was the type of person that

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Speaker 1: he'll beat you up and then help you up and

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Speaker 1: take you to the hospital because he just lit your

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Speaker 1: your face open and I have to drive him and

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Speaker 1: this guy this is a true story, more than once

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Speaker 1: it happened. You know. That's who Kiko is. He'll rob you,

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Speaker 1: you know, but he'll leave you a few bucks or

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Speaker 1: you could re up for you know, so he could

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Speaker 1: come rob you again. That's who he is. This is gold. Um.

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Speaker 1: So with Keiko and I, it was he was the

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Speaker 1: love of my life from that first day, and I

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Speaker 1: was the love of his life. But like said, he

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Speaker 1: had no people skills. I was used to throwing my fits,

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Speaker 1: you know, and he wasn't going to put up with

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Speaker 1: my fits. And so we fought and it got physical

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Speaker 1: real quick. He got ugly. They got very ugly, you know, um,

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Speaker 1: right before our eyes. Right yeah. But he was good

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Speaker 1: to you. He was a great dad to your sisters.

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Speaker 1: He was And we heard that our lunch of story,

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Speaker 1: we the go karts story, Like that's really precious memory

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Speaker 1: that I have of Giko. And you know, he did

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Speaker 1: do a lot of things for us. It's okay, So

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Speaker 1: Ko's new in our lives. We're living in del soul.

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Speaker 1: What happened the morning of that arrest, So the morning

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Speaker 1: of that arrendst what what really happened there? There was

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Speaker 1: a different than how I remember. Yes, it was sort

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Speaker 1: of you know a little yeah, but it was different.

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Speaker 1: We weren't under surveillance. What happened is your grandmother had

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Speaker 1: runners for her. She had people that would go and

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Speaker 1: fill up their cars with cocaine or whatever and cross it.

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Speaker 1: And this particular morning, um, this man that she called

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Speaker 1: her friend. And I would always tell her, Mom, don't

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Speaker 1: bring these people to your house. You know, you don't

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Speaker 1: let them know where. You know. Oh, that's you know,

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Speaker 1: my good friend. He's he's you know, trustworthy. Yes, all right.

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Speaker 1: So this morning, this man gets arrested at the border

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Speaker 1: with three hundred and forty seven keylos of cocaine. And

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Speaker 1: she comes home it's maybe five am or whatever, and

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Speaker 1: she knocks on my door in the room. She says,

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Speaker 1: that's all she said. And I knew as she meant,

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Speaker 1: and I told her leave, leave to Mexico, just leave

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Speaker 1: right now. She's like, are you crazy? I can't leave.

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Speaker 1: I have to wait till my lawyer gets there so

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Speaker 1: he can get him out. I'm like, oh Mom, no, what, okay, whatever,

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Speaker 1: do whatever, because now I'm I'm awake, right, I gotta

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Speaker 1: focus on my fix or whatever. So that's all I

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Speaker 1: remember saying to her, and he called her. He called

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Speaker 1: her on the phone and she said, don't worry. As

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Speaker 1: soon as my attorney gets here, we're getting you out

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Speaker 1: of there. And she was being recorded the whole time.

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Speaker 1: And that's all it took. That phone call was enough

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Speaker 1: for them to go get an warrant to search the

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Speaker 1: house to arrest all of us. We all went to

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Speaker 1: got arrested that day. We all took off in different

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Speaker 1: cars and never came back. Only your grandmother, your Diajos

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Speaker 1: and the maid stayed at the house wondering why we

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Speaker 1: never returned. So I only remember a little bit of

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Speaker 1: that morning. Right, Guess who's taking me in elementary school? Yes?

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Speaker 1: Us getting stopped detectives walking me into the office. Yes,

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Speaker 1: on my elementary school. When I wrote my book. I

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Speaker 1: called him because Sina got arrested with my grandma. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and she told me that they were leaving. They left

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Speaker 1: the house, but first my Mia said, Mama, we're gonna

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Speaker 1: go get pick come up from school. Yes, they were

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Speaker 1: on their way to your school. I left to the

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Speaker 1: method on clinic with Kiko has Sous left to take

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Speaker 1: you to school, and we never came back. So they

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Speaker 1: started getting suspicious and your grandma said, let's go get

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Speaker 1: in the car. They got she told the maid to

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Speaker 1: get in the carp was home from school that day sick,

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Speaker 1: and they said, let's go get wet from school first.

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Speaker 1: We're leaving. You guys were leaving to Mexico. So my

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Speaker 1: grandmother got arrested on her way to pick you outside

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Speaker 1: of my elementary school, about a block away. Yes, I

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Speaker 1: remember coming out of school that day because they let

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Speaker 1: me stay there the whole day and my nana was

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Speaker 1: picking me up. They let me call your nana from

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Speaker 1: from the office. The police station where they had us

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Speaker 1: wasn't even a police station. It was like a little

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Speaker 1: undercover room by the border. And they were standing right

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Speaker 1: next to me and said, be careful what you say,

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Speaker 1: or we're ending the all. So I just told her,

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Speaker 1: can you pick up who from school? She said, okay,

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Speaker 1: that was it. She knew, she knew. When I tell

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Speaker 1: this story, I talked about the stay as the day

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Speaker 1: that my life changed forever. H h. At seven years old,

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Speaker 1: I had no idea of all the pain and darkness

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Speaker 1: that was coming my way. M hmm. I didn't think okay.

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Speaker 1: I had fallen into a hole, and I didn't think

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Speaker 1: I was ever getting out. M. I kind of thought

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Speaker 1: that when we went to a lahatta everything was okay

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Speaker 1: and then we would all be okay, you know. Thinking

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Speaker 1: about it now, when I had I was a band

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Speaker 1: aid MHM. And I love those memories that we haven't

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Speaker 1: we hand like, that's when I feel I really got

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Speaker 1: to know you, and I have really amazing memories of you.

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Speaker 1: But losing my Mileachat for me was the worst part.

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Speaker 1: I lost my Leacha twice M and I'm still not

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Speaker 1: over it. M That woman was everything to me. I

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Speaker 1: lost her too. Something happened to you after she left

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Speaker 1: because you became my caregiver. It says if all of

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Speaker 1: a sudden you told yourself, I gotta step up and

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Speaker 1: take care of my mom, as if you knew she

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Speaker 1: wasn't coming back and someone had to look out for me,

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Speaker 1: because you did. Do you remember that? Tell me about

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Speaker 1: that you did everything for me. Like I would wake

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Speaker 1: up in the morning, Oh shit, it's okay, MoMA. I

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Speaker 1: had breakfast already, I'm ready for school. I made my lunch,

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Speaker 1: I made my sister's lunches. Okay, things like that. I mean,

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Speaker 1: you would even help pick up my clothes. That that

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Speaker 1: you just described as why I always feel like I

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Speaker 1: never had a childhood. I always felt like I had

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Speaker 1: to take care of someone. If it wasn't new, it

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Speaker 1: was Andrea or Dan yell our age, you know. And

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Speaker 1: that's I think where the resentment started, because I had

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Speaker 1: these dreams, these aspirations, and I had to always put

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Speaker 1: my wants and my needs to decide to take care

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Speaker 1: of whatever it was. And then you grew up and

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Speaker 1: all those resentments came out. Do you remember the last

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Speaker 1: time we spoke before your transition? O, No, I don't.

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Speaker 1: I probably blocked it out. So your grandma was already

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Speaker 1: back from prison and you came over. You were you

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Speaker 1: didn't live with us. I don't remember everything because I

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Speaker 1: was so fucking high. But you were very mad at me.

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Speaker 1: You were very mad at me, and I try to

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Speaker 1: go in the room and you said, no, come here.

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Speaker 1: You were going to call the police to get me

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Speaker 1: out of there. Either you found some paraphinally in the

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Speaker 1: bathroom or some drugs or something there, and you said

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Speaker 1: you were just tired of my disrespect. That was your

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Speaker 1: grandmother's house. And you just started telling me how you

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Speaker 1: really felt about me. I remember trying to climb out

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Speaker 1: the window and you weren't setting it happened, and that's

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Speaker 1: the last time I saw you, and I saw my son.

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Speaker 1: That's the last time I saw my son. And for

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Speaker 1: a while I had a resentment towards you, because I

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Speaker 1: felt like, how dare you do this transition? And I

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Speaker 1: didn't get to say goodbye to my son and he's Connell,

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Speaker 1: never see him again. You know. It's selfish drug addict talking,

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Speaker 1: you know. You know, I don't remember. This event. Sounds

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Speaker 1: like a very big event that hurt you a lot.

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I know that I was dealing with my

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Speaker 1: own demons. I was I sober yet I don't remember.

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Speaker 1: But don't be sorry for for that. I mean, the

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Speaker 1: old me would have said, yeah, you were pretty funned

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Speaker 1: up to me that day. How dare you talk to

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Speaker 1: me that way? I'm your mom. But you know what,

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Speaker 1: I'm glad you said what you said, because all of

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Speaker 1: that was the beginning of the change in me, you know,

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Speaker 1: and it was the ending of who you were. I

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Speaker 1: feel like it was a step towards your transition. You

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Speaker 1: had to leave all that ship out, you know, get

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Speaker 1: it out, if that makes any sense. I don't remember

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Speaker 1: that story where I don't remember that event, but it

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Speaker 1: sounds like something I would have done. I was so

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Speaker 1: recent flat you for everything seem I don't think I

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Speaker 1: was sober at the time. I had a lot of

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Speaker 1: resentment towards you because I was always picking up after you.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I put my life on hold to raise

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Speaker 1: my sisters, and that was very difficult, and we went

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Speaker 1: through things together that weren't ideal. But I was going

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Speaker 1: to make it work, and I was going to I

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Speaker 1: was going to raise them, and I was going to

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Speaker 1: put them through school, and I was going to make

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Speaker 1: sure that they were provided for whatever it took and

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Speaker 1: keep them safe. And I remember thinking I had to

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Speaker 1: keep them safe from you, and you did. I remember

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Speaker 1: the last chance you gave me. Do you remember one

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Speaker 1: of the times I got out of the federal prison

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Speaker 1: and you had a surprise for me. You had rented

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Speaker 1: an apartment, furnished it, and you said, we're all going

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Speaker 1: to live to get other, We're going to be a

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Speaker 1: happy family. And it worked for a minute. I got

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Speaker 1: a job at a taco shop and and that's when

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Speaker 1: my addiction really kicked in my alcoholism. I remember that

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Speaker 1: I did some things that I'm not proud of. I'm

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Speaker 1: a blackout drinker. I hate you. You experimented with myth.

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Speaker 1: I was hoping we wouldn't talk about that. Let's talk

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Speaker 1: about that. Anyone out ex somewhere experimented with meth for

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Speaker 1: the first time. It wasn't the first time, okay, I

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Speaker 1: didn't know. That was the first time I knew of it.

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Speaker 1: Emmy came home and was very high. So for the

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Speaker 1: next two or three days, I went out and Boughtle

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Speaker 1: Decca cards to sit there and play cards with you

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Speaker 1: and just stay up with you as much as we could.

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Speaker 1: Between Andrea, one of your friends, and me, we alternated.

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Speaker 1: That's the recollection I have. I almost killed myself on math. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I remember I went into a psychosis and that was

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Speaker 1: the last time I did meth. Need Less say, I

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Speaker 1: didn't like what it did to me, but I still

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Speaker 1: did other stuff. I was sober. I remember. I remember

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Speaker 1: when I was coming down from that psychosis. Coming out

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Speaker 1: of that psychosis, I prayed. I said a prayer and said, God, please,

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Speaker 1: if you let me be back to normal, because I

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Speaker 1: thought that in my psychosis. I thought that my organs

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Speaker 1: had been rearranged for some reason. See it's a really

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Speaker 1: embarrassing story. And I remember praying saying, God, if you

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Speaker 1: just let me come out of this one, I won't

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Speaker 1: ever do any drugs again. And I stayed sober for

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Speaker 1: thirty days on my own, and then just my alcoholism

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Speaker 1: just took me down. It was all down after that.

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Speaker 1: I got sober for the first time in two thousand

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Speaker 1: and six and relapse after ten months of sobriety. The

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Speaker 1: last time that I got sober it wasn't two thousand seven,

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Speaker 1: and that's when I started taking a lot of inventory

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Speaker 1: on myself, and at about a year sober, year and

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Speaker 1: a half, I made the decision to transition. So tell

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Speaker 1: me what was that like for you finding that out? Well,

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Speaker 1: like I said earlier, the selfish drug attic in me

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Speaker 1: was like, how could you do that to me? How

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Speaker 1: can you take my son away? Like I knew nothing

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Speaker 1: of it. All of a sudden, your grandmother told me,

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Speaker 1: and I called you on the phone and I spoke

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Speaker 1: with you, and then you came over for the first

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Speaker 1: time and I saw you. And it wasn't until I

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Speaker 1: started my own recovery. You know that my thinking process changed.

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Speaker 1: But you talked to me a little bit, but not

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Speaker 1: not too much. You were starting to talk to me

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Speaker 1: after that incident in the bedroom. It wasn't until I

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Speaker 1: went to prison for the last, the last time, that

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Speaker 1: you became like you were always there for me, you

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Speaker 1: always to care me, but this time you were more

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Speaker 1: of a support group for me. You know what year

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Speaker 1: did you go to prison? The last time was in

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Speaker 1: two thousand twelve, but when you had your transition, I

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Speaker 1: believe it was why I went in two five and

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Speaker 1: two thousand and seven. I believe too. So the last

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Speaker 1: time you went to prison, which was in two thousand twelve,

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Speaker 1: Monica passed in two thousand twelve of and you were

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Speaker 1: in prison. Yeah, she passed away like two months or

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Speaker 1: three months after I got arrested. I know that was

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Speaker 1: hard for you. Yeah, it was hard for all of us,

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Speaker 1: but you're not being able to be there, like I

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Speaker 1: remember how much that hurt me. I couldn't imagine if

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Speaker 1: it hurt if her loss hurt me as much as

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Speaker 1: it did. I couldn't imagine how much you were affected

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Speaker 1: being incarcerated. And I think because of that, I felt

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Speaker 1: like I had to be there for you. I felt

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Speaker 1: like I had the obligation. Maybe not obligation, maybe I

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Speaker 1: wanted to do that for you. I wanted to be

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Speaker 1: some form of support for you because I can't imagine

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Speaker 1: and what it's like not being able to spend the

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Speaker 1: last days with your loved one because you're in jail

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Speaker 1: or in prison. I feel I feel like it started

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Speaker 1: maybe as an obligation because you'd always been there for

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Speaker 1: me and you felt bad, but because I was about

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Speaker 1: to start my own journey and recovery, it turned into

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Speaker 1: something else. We started building a bond, We started trusting

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Speaker 1: each of what you started trusting me. The relationships started changing.

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Speaker 1: I entered a drug program in prison, and there was

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Speaker 1: just a change. But yeah, I remember you. You even

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Speaker 1: went to court asking the judge to please let me

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Speaker 1: go out to the funeral. Do you remember that? And

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Speaker 1: the judge said, no, she's gonna go straight to get

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Speaker 1: some heroin if I let her out of here. Would

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Speaker 1: you probably? I mean, I've been there. I was it't

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Speaker 1: well enough, you know. Maybe I had My body was

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Speaker 1: detox but not my mind. And with the pain of

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Speaker 1: losing my mother, I'm sure that that's how I would

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Speaker 1: have wanted to numb that pain. So at what point

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Speaker 1: in your life do you decide you want to get clean?

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Speaker 1: And why after all these years? I don't know. I

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Speaker 1: think this last time was really rough on me physically.

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Speaker 1: I mean I was in and out of the hospital.

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Speaker 1: I was very sick. But apart from that, my mother

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Speaker 1: died and I was afraid. I was sad I was

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I honestly don't know how to answer that.

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Speaker 1: But the my thing in process started to change, and

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Speaker 1: I think I started thinking stuff like, I wonder how

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Speaker 1: Emmy's feeling right now? Man, I want to be there

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Speaker 1: for Adrian. Adrian was only what a little boy when

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Speaker 1: she died, and she's all he knew, just like it

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Speaker 1: was with you. And I started thinking about stuff like that,

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Speaker 1: you know, I need to be there for him. And

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Speaker 1: my dad's old. What's going to happen with my dad?

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Speaker 1: And and I entered that drug program that helped me

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Speaker 1: a lot. I started surrounding myself with with people that

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Speaker 1: were in recovery, talking to them, listening to what they

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Speaker 1: had to say. And I didn't have the desire to

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Speaker 1: get out and look for all these other people anymore.

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Speaker 1: I had completely given up hope. I was over it,

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Speaker 1: so many promises always broken. I had already accepted that

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Speaker 1: you were going to be active in your addition always.

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Speaker 1: And also I was in my own program of recovery.

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Speaker 1: I had done a lot of healing in the work

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Speaker 1: that I did there, and I understood that you had

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Speaker 1: a higher power that took care of you and I

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Speaker 1: had mine. Because I think when I first got sober,

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Speaker 1: I felt like, and you've experienced this, like when I

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Speaker 1: was newly sober, it was like, mom, this is what

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Speaker 1: you have to do. You do it like this like that,

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Speaker 1: not very you know. I was very like, oh my God, yes, never.

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Speaker 1: And then like as I grew in my own recovery,

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Speaker 1: I like, uh right, I had to trust the process

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Speaker 1: and let God take over. Yeah. I think that's exactly

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Speaker 1: what happened. So you're coming out of prison clean and

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Speaker 1: remaining clean. Was this huge opportunity for us to have

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Speaker 1: this beautiful relationship that we have today. I remember being

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Speaker 1: in prison talking to you on the phone, and you

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Speaker 1: would tell me how your life was going, and you

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Speaker 1: told me about Adam, and I remember you told me

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Speaker 1: about the time that about his parents. They were doctors,

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Speaker 1: you were nervous about meeting his parents and what were

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Speaker 1: you going to say about your family? And I was

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Speaker 1: nervous too. I felt bad, like like because you were

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Speaker 1: in prison at the time. I was in prison, and

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Speaker 1: and I wanted all about to tell you it's going

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Speaker 1: to be different now, and you don't have to worry

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Speaker 1: about that anymore, and and and just hold them off

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Speaker 1: until I get there, and and and they'll be able

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Speaker 1: to meet and new me and this and that. But

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Speaker 1: like you said so many promises, I couldn't do that

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Speaker 1: to you anymore because I was learning that that wasn't

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Speaker 1: the way I had to show you, right, And so

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Speaker 1: I remember joking about it and I said, well, just

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Speaker 1: tell them that I'm a phlebotomist. Do you remember that?

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Speaker 1: That was my answer. I didn't know what to say,

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Speaker 1: you know. But slowly our relationships started growing, we started

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Speaker 1: bonding a little more. I got out of prison and

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Speaker 1: they sent me on a greyhound and it stopped in

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Speaker 1: l A and you were there. I remember picking you up. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you had some clothes for me. And you didn't leave

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Speaker 1: with me, right because it was like a little layover

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Speaker 1: st Yes, but you were there like you always were.

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Speaker 1: And I'm sure you were just like hug hug my mom. Here,

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Speaker 1: I got you some things, you know, all right, bye,

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Speaker 1: I was shopping for you, Yeah, I remember. Do you

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Speaker 1: know that I still have one of those T shirts.

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Speaker 1: I don't use it anymore, but I have it. But um, slowly,

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Speaker 1: I think maybe you started to see a difference, and

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Speaker 1: and I was interested in getting to know you. You know,

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Speaker 1: I was always so proud of you, like you were

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Speaker 1: my my emmy, my protector. But I didn't want you

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Speaker 1: to be that anymore. I wanted to take care of

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Speaker 1: you now or just show you that you didn't have

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Speaker 1: to worry about me, if anything, you know, And that

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Speaker 1: was my main goal, to just, one step at a time,

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Speaker 1: show my kids that they don't have to worry about

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Speaker 1: me anymore. I've told you this before, you know, And

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Speaker 1: I'm very proud of who you are. You're a beautiful woman,

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Speaker 1: you know. And if I could change your childhood, I would,

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Speaker 1: you know, if there's if there was any way that

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Speaker 1: I could change all the hurt and pain that I

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Speaker 1: cost you, you know that I would. And we've talked

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Speaker 1: about this before, but I'm so grateful for this chance

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Speaker 1: that we have now to have this relationship. You know.

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't trade that for nothing, because some people don't

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Speaker 1: get that. You know, a lot of the people that

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Speaker 1: I hung out with are dead or living under that

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Speaker 1: bridge by the Pao that we talked about, and that's

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Speaker 1: not me. You know, those Christmas is that you talked

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Speaker 1: about making that the mal is and matching pajamas are

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Speaker 1: like the best. I look forward to that one day

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Speaker 1: a year. You know that it's a big deal for

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Speaker 1: me for us to get together, you know, And I

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Speaker 1: love how it went from the very first Christmas when

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Speaker 1: you were still a little uncomfortable, unsure. I love how

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Speaker 1: it's our relationship has grown and how strong it is now.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. Just thank you for always for not

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Speaker 1: giving up on me, even though you said you did,

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Speaker 1: you didn't, because you're a big part of why I'm

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Speaker 1: here today sober. I love. I love a relationship to mom.

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Speaker 1: I love you. I love you too. That was me

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Speaker 1: and my mom. Tune in next week for one last

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Speaker 1: bonus episode. I'll be talking with my best friend Dana

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Speaker 1: and we dig into one of my more significant heartbreaks.

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Speaker 1: And that's where I think I hated him because I

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Speaker 1: felt like he was stringing you along, and I remember

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Speaker 1: thinking while I was listening that how much time has

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Speaker 1: gone by? Here a month, six weeks, eight weeks, and

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Speaker 1: you're still in um. There's still no closure to the situation,

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Speaker 1: as if you're even going to have a second date.

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Speaker 1: And I remember thinking, like, what has come back? That's

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Speaker 1: next week on Crumbs, Thanks for listening. Crumbs is the

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Speaker 1: production of My Heart Radios Michael podcast Network in association

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Speaker 1: with Trojan Horse. It's produced by Margaret Catcher and and

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00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:08,320
Speaker 1: edited by Jasmine Rometto and Alex Fumeto. Original music by

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00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:14,760
Speaker 1: Daniel Peter Schmidt and engineering by Manuel Executive produced by

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Speaker 1: Giants and Conno Burn for I Heart, Alex Fumeto for

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00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:26,440
Speaker 1: Trojan Horse, Joshua Weinstein, Jasmine Rometo, cal and me Emio

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00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:32,480
Speaker 1: LEA special thanks to Monissa Hendrix, Fernand Estrada and Sara Mota.

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Speaker 1: Listen to Crumbs on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

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00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:40,000
Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts.