Speaker 1: Let me start with something honest. Most people who say
Speaker 1: they're trying to manifest love are actually doing things that
Speaker 1: quietly push love away. Not because they're unworthy, not because
Speaker 1: they're broken, but because they've been taught the wrong definition
Speaker 1: of manifesting. We've been told that manifesting love means visualizing
Speaker 1: the perfect person, saying affirmations, and waiting for the universe
Speaker 1: to deliver. But psychology tells a very different story. Love
Speaker 1: doesn't appear because you want it badly enough. Love appears
Speaker 1: when your beliefs, nervous system, habits, and identity are aligned
Speaker 1: with sustaining it. So today I want to talk about
Speaker 1: how to actually manifest romantic love this year in a
Speaker 1: way that's grounded in science, emotionally honest, and genuinely hopeful.
Speaker 1: And if you stay with me, this episode won't just
Speaker 1: change how you think about love. It will change how
Speaker 1: love finds you. Here's the reframe that changes everything. You
Speaker 1: don't attract the relationship you want. You attract the relationship
Speaker 1: you're ready to participate in. That's not spiritual language, that
Speaker 1: psychological reality. Research shows that relationship formation is predicted far
Speaker 1: more by emotional availability, attachment, security, and behavioral consistency than
Speaker 1: by looks, money, or status, no matter what the Internet says. So,
Speaker 1: manifesting love isn't about calling someone in. It's about becoming
Speaker 1: someone love can actually stay with. Manifesting love isn't about
Speaker 1: attracting the right person. It's about becoming emotionally available when
Speaker 1: they arrive. Manifesting love isn't about chemistry. It's about nervous
Speaker 1: system safety. It isn't about visualizing a relationship. It's about
Speaker 1: making room to actually have one. Manifesting love isn't about
Speaker 1: fixing yourself. It's about stopping the behaviors that block connection.
Speaker 1: Manifesting love isn't about being wanted, it's about being able
Speaker 1: to receive. Manifesting love isn't about waiting for a sign.
Speaker 1: It's about recognizing consistency. Manifesting love isn't about high standards.
Speaker 1: It's about clear ones. So let's talk about how we
Speaker 1: do that. Principle one emotional availability. One of the most
Speaker 1: well researched ideas in relationships science is attachment theory. Decades
Speaker 1: of studies show that people tend to fall into patterns
Speaker 1: of how they connect secure, anxious, or avoidant. Here's what's important.
Speaker 1: A large meta analysis published in Personality and Social Psychology
Speaker 1: review found that securely attached people are consistently rated as
Speaker 1: more desirable long term partners, regardless of physical attractiveness. Why
Speaker 1: because secure people communicate clearly, respond consistently, and are emotionally present.
Speaker 1: Secure people don't disappear to be chaste. Insecure people withdraw
Speaker 1: to see if you care. Secure people bring issues to
Speaker 1: the person involved. Insecure people talk to everyone else first.
Speaker 1: Secure people don't confuse intensity with intimacy. And here's the
Speaker 1: quiet truth. Many people say they want love, but they're
Speaker 1: not emotionally available. They're still attached to an ex, a fantasy,
Speaker 1: or a version of love that hurt them. So ask yourself,
Speaker 1: am I emotionally open or just emotionally hopeful? Because hope
Speaker 1: doesn't create availability, presence does. Remember this, chemistry without safety
Speaker 1: feels was exciting. Safety without chemistry feels boring. Secure love
Speaker 1: learns how to hold both. Manifesting love begins when you
Speaker 1: stop chasing emotional unavailability and stop calling it a passion.
Speaker 1: It's so fascinating to me. I was at an event
Speaker 1: during the holidays, and I was speaking of four women
Speaker 1: who all said to me that they wanted to find
Speaker 1: love and I asked them how dating was going, and
Speaker 1: they all said they weren't dating, they weren't meeting people.
Speaker 1: It's fascinating to me when our action is misaligned from
Speaker 1: my intention. Now I realized dating is exhausting. I realized
Speaker 1: that the apps can be challenging. I recognize that this
Speaker 1: isn't easy. But what I want to share with you
Speaker 1: is this, when you become more emotionally available with your friends,
Speaker 1: your family, open to connect, when you're figuring out how
Speaker 1: you're actually showing up as the person you want someone
Speaker 1: to fall in love with already, guess what, there's going
Speaker 1: to be more opportunities for you to create that connection
Speaker 1: because you're already showing up as the person who you
Speaker 1: want to be. You're already showing up as the person
Speaker 1: that someone can fall in love with. You're already showing
Speaker 1: up as that person. It makes such a big difference. Now,
Speaker 1: anyone who says it doesn't happen magically, you're right. It
Speaker 1: doesn't happen magically. But it's that you start to spot
Speaker 1: the opportunities. It's that you start to see whether there
Speaker 1: might be a connection or compatibility. And the best part
Speaker 1: is you also know when it isn't I think that's
Speaker 1: another thing. A lot of us waste our time in
Speaker 1: areas or with people that we know aren't the one
Speaker 1: because we're so desperate and want to be with someone
Speaker 1: that we actually miss out on someone who might be
Speaker 1: right there because we're too busy over here, and so
Speaker 1: making space is so important. Now Step one won't work
Speaker 1: unless we understand principle two, identity shape attraction. Let's talk
Speaker 1: about identity. Psychologists have known for decades that self concept
Speaker 1: predicts behavior more reliably than intention. Think about this. You
Speaker 1: don't act based on what you want. You act based
Speaker 1: on who you believe you are. Studies published in the
Speaker 1: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology show that people subconsciously
Speaker 1: choose partners and tolerate behavior that confirm their self story,
Speaker 1: even when that story hurts them. The story you tell yourself,
Speaker 1: the story you tell others, the story you believe about yourself,
Speaker 1: is the kind of partner you allow into your life.
Speaker 1: If you always believe that you're unlucky in love, you
Speaker 1: will find the evidence to match that. See. What our
Speaker 1: mind does is that it seeks out proof for what
Speaker 1: we already believe. It seeks out for what you already believe.
Speaker 1: So if you believe you're unlucky in love, you'll meet
Speaker 1: someone and it won't work out, and then you'll feel unlucky.
Speaker 1: You are noticing, you're training your mind to notice that. So,
Speaker 1: if somewhere inside you believe I'm unlucky in love, people
Speaker 1: always leave. I'm just too much. You don't just think
Speaker 1: those thoughts, you live them. You over explain, you overgive,
Speaker 1: you ignore red flags, You stay longer than you should,
Speaker 1: because ultimately you're simply trying to prove the argument in
Speaker 1: your mind. If you tell everyone the story of you
Speaker 1: know what, I've just never been able to find someone
Speaker 1: that everyone in my life connects with, you will find
Speaker 1: the person that everyone in your life connects with. A
Speaker 1: part from your sister right, because you're trying to repeat
Speaker 1: that evidence, you're trying to prove that to yourself. It's
Speaker 1: fascinating how the mind works. You've probably seen this in
Speaker 1: other areas as well. Whatever you believe, you start to
Speaker 1: see it everywhere. But manifesting love requires shifting from intention
Speaker 1: to identity. You don't want to say I want a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship, but I'm someone who is part of healthy relationships.
Speaker 1: I'm someone who participates in healthy relationships. Notice how it's
Speaker 1: a different shift that identity shows up as boundaries without guilt,
Speaker 1: standards without defensiveness, and curiosity without the anxiety. Here's the
Speaker 1: line to remember. Love responds to identity signals, not affirmations.
Speaker 1: I want you to be really clear about what you
Speaker 1: notice about yourself and what you believe about yourself. Everyone
Speaker 1: can tell two stories, the incredible things they did or
Speaker 1: the bad things that happen to them. It's all about
Speaker 1: which one you notice and which one you expand upon.
Speaker 1: When you believe that everything you been through in your
Speaker 1: life has brought you to this place where you're ready
Speaker 1: for the right relationship, you're ready for a healthier relationship.
Speaker 1: You're not going to settle for less than you deserve,
Speaker 1: but you're not gonna have crazy expectations that aren't realistic.
Speaker 1: You actually get to move forward. But when you keep
Speaker 1: creating stories about why your love life hasn't worked out,
Speaker 1: you will constantly exacerbate and expand them into your life. Now,
Speaker 1: I know that I've talked to you about principle one
Speaker 1: and two, but principal three is the real practical unlock.
Speaker 1: Principal three is all about proximity and probability. Now let's
Speaker 1: ground this even more. One of the strongest findings in
Speaker 1: attraction research is something called the mere exposure effect. Simply put,
Speaker 1: the more we see someone, the more familiar and attractive
Speaker 1: they become. Another well established principle is the propinquity effect.
Speaker 1: Relationships formed through repeated proximity. In fact, research consistently shows
Speaker 1: that most long term couples meet through shared environments, shared routines,
Speaker 1: and repeated interaction, not destiny. So here's the reframe. Love
Speaker 1: doesn't show up when you're ready. Love shows up when
Speaker 1: you're reachable. If your life has no rhythm, love has
Speaker 1: no entry point. Manifesting love looks like showing up to
Speaker 1: the same places at the same times around people who
Speaker 1: share your values. This isn't forcing love, This is designing coincidence.
Speaker 1: Think about it. So many people meet at work, so
Speaker 1: many people meet at their place of worship. People meet
Speaker 1: people in places of similar value like a charity. Some
Speaker 1: people meet people at a party of a mutual friends
Speaker 1: most of the time. And if you think about just
Speaker 1: twenty five to fifty years ago, most people got married
Speaker 1: to someone within a five mile radius of where they
Speaker 1: grew up If we don't have proximity with opportunity, our
Speaker 1: probability of finding love goes down. And for most of us,
Speaker 1: we're trying to find love more randomly what feels like magic,
Speaker 1: what feels like synchronicity, rather than looking for it. Sometimes
Speaker 1: in the most obvious places that are right there. You're
Speaker 1: more likely to fall in love and find someone who's
Speaker 1: right for you in a place that you've repeatedly gone
Speaker 1: to than somewhere where you went once. And we always
Speaker 1: hear about those amazing stories I was on vacation. Oh,
Speaker 1: I was taking a little sabbatical. Ah, we just bumped
Speaker 1: into each other. Those are beautiful, and that's amazing. But
Speaker 1: the research proves that it's the repeated interactions that increase
Speaker 1: the probability for connection. Don't underestimate the people you know
Speaker 1: the most to help you find someone that you could love.
Speaker 1: Don't underestimate the places that you already go to to
Speaker 1: potentially discover the right partner. Don't underestimate the repetitive patterns
Speaker 1: in your life that can lead to spontaneous connection. Now,
Speaker 1: this principle that I'm about to share is so necessary
Speaker 1: because when we're looking for love, it's usually from a
Speaker 1: place of desperation, a place of anxiety, a place of stress.
Speaker 1: Maybe you are told if you're not married by thirty
Speaker 1: your life's been complete. If you haven't got kids by
Speaker 1: thirty five, that's really late. And now those times play
Speaker 1: on your mind and play on your subconscious. Your body's
Speaker 1: stressed out, you're feeling anxious, your heart's beating fast. I
Speaker 1: interviewed Quinlan Walther, who's a relationship coach, and she said,
Speaker 1: you should never go shopping when you're hungry, and in
Speaker 1: the same way, you should never go dating when you're starving,
Speaker 1: when you're feeling like you don't have anything. Think about
Speaker 1: all the decisions you would make. If you enter the
Speaker 1: grocery store and you are starving, you'd buy everything. It
Speaker 1: probably won't even be good for you, and you'd probably overbuy.
Speaker 1: You'd probably overspend. We make mistakes when we come from
Speaker 1: a place of lack. But then you're saying to me, Jay,
Speaker 1: how am I meant to go full shopping? Like? How
Speaker 1: do I do that? In love? How am I meant
Speaker 1: to feel full in love when I'm looking for someone
Speaker 1: to love me? How does that make sense? Well, that's
Speaker 1: where Principal four comes in. It's nervous system compatibility. Now,
Speaker 1: this might be the most important principle. Your nervous system
Speaker 1: is choosing your partners before your mind does. According to
Speaker 1: research from polyvagal theory, humans are subconsciously drawn to people
Speaker 1: whose nervous systems feel familiar, not necessarily healthy. That's why
Speaker 1: chaos can feel like chemistry and calm can feel like boring.
Speaker 1: Here's the hard truth. Many people aren't attracted to love.
Speaker 1: They're attracted to what their nervous system already knows. So
Speaker 1: manifesting love means retraining your body to tolerate consistency, predictability,
Speaker 1: and emotional safety. After a date, ask yourself, do I
Speaker 1: feel regulated or disregulated, calm or anxious, grounded or on edge?
Speaker 1: Love isn't proven by butterflies. It's proven by how your
Speaker 1: body feels after the interaction. What's fascinating to me is
Speaker 1: how many of us underestimate how our nervous system is
Speaker 1: actually attracting us to someone. If you're always in a
Speaker 1: far base state, you're going to be attracted to people
Speaker 1: in a FAA bay state because it it feels familiar,
Speaker 1: even though it's not good for you. If you're always
Speaker 1: in an anxiety based state. You're going to attract someone
Speaker 1: who's in an anxiety based state or creates more anxiety
Speaker 1: because it feels familiar, but it's not good for you. Remember,
Speaker 1: you can fall in love with someone who isn't good
Speaker 1: for you because they make your nervous system feel familiar
Speaker 1: in the fear and anxiety. Until you choose to regulate
Speaker 1: and rise above that for yourself, you won't be able
Speaker 1: to connect with a higher frequency. And we get lost, right.
Speaker 1: We think it's all about if I have everything on
Speaker 1: the list, if I know exactly what I want, if
Speaker 1: I'm really aware. That's what we think manifesting love is.
Speaker 1: But can you notice how far the points I'm sharing
Speaker 1: are from that form of manifestation. That's almost like wishful thinking,
Speaker 1: it's like imagination, it's dream works. But to actually do
Speaker 1: the work, to actually create shifts in our life, to
Speaker 1: actually change and upgrade ourselves so that we actually connect
Speaker 1: with the right energy, we connect with the right frequency,
Speaker 1: makes a massive difference. If we're aligned, then we're going
Speaker 1: to meet people that are more aligned, and that's not aligned.
Speaker 1: From some spiritual mental perspective, it comes down to your
Speaker 1: regulation of your nervous system. Principal five is all about
Speaker 1: standards versus defenses. Let's talk about boundaries. Research shows that clear,
Speaker 1: calm boundaries increase relational respect, while defensiveness reduces connection. Here's
Speaker 1: the difference between a standard and defending yourself. Standards say
Speaker 1: this is what I value. Defense says this is what
Speaker 1: I'm afraid of. Defenses push people away. Standards invite the
Speaker 1: right people closer. But here's what's fascinating. We're so scared
Speaker 1: that we sound like we're defending ourselves that in the
Speaker 1: early stages of a relationship we will lower our standards,
Speaker 1: we will remove boundary, we'll let someone walk right over
Speaker 1: us because we don't want to push them away. So
Speaker 1: what do we do. Here's how it works. Someone asks
Speaker 1: you to do something. It's breaking a boundary of yours,
Speaker 1: but you do it anyway because you think, well, I
Speaker 1: like them, they like me. Let's just make it work.
Speaker 1: Two months in, three months, in, maybe even two years in.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you say, now I need to set this boundary.
Speaker 1: Now that we know each other better, you now set
Speaker 1: that boundary, and that person goes, well, why didn't you
Speaker 1: send this boundary before? I've never heard this before. I
Speaker 1: didn't realize that was important to you. We make it
Speaker 1: out like they're attacking us, so we're defending ourselves. No,
Speaker 1: this one I'm afraid of. No, I don't want it
Speaker 1: to be like this. No, I don't no, no, No.
Speaker 1: It's not saying what you value. It's not saying what's
Speaker 1: important to you. I remember when Radi and I first
Speaker 1: started dating, she'd always say to me, it's really important
Speaker 1: to me that I'm present with my family on their birthdays,
Speaker 1: on celebration days, on the weekends, like that's really really
Speaker 1: important to me. And I'd always say to it, it's
Speaker 1: really important to me that I'm doing my service. I'm
Speaker 1: out there spending time with people, sharing sharing wisdom. I
Speaker 1: wasn't saying to her, I'm scared that if I'm with you,
Speaker 1: I won't get to do that, and she wasn't saying
Speaker 1: to you, I'm scared if you're doing that, then I
Speaker 1: won't get to do this. If someone respects you, your
Speaker 1: boundaries will bring them closer. If someone doesn't respect you, you,
Speaker 1: setting a boundary will push them away. Setting a boundary
Speaker 1: is a great way to know whether someone truly loves
Speaker 1: you and respects you, or whether they don't here's what
Speaker 1: I want you to remember. Manifesting love doesn't mean lowering
Speaker 1: standards to avoid loneliness. It means raising self respect so
Speaker 1: you don't have to chase. I think when we think
Speaker 1: about standards and boundaries, we start proclaiming them as no,
Speaker 1: I won't accept less than this. No, this is what
Speaker 1: I deserve. That's fine for you to feel that, but
Speaker 1: the way you communicate that to someone has to be receivable, digestible, understandable.
Speaker 1: Sharing something is your value, as your priority, as something
Speaker 1: that is important to you, is far more valuable than
Speaker 1: sharing it in a way that makes someone feel that
Speaker 1: they have to value it. This is the key. When
Speaker 1: you share your value, it's not so that the other
Speaker 1: person can value it to the same degree. It's so
Speaker 1: that they can respect your value and you can continue
Speaker 1: to prioritize it. Your goal in a relationship is not
Speaker 1: to convince your partner to value what you value. It's
Speaker 1: to respect what they value and let them respect what
Speaker 1: you value and continue to have a healthy relationship. Trying
Speaker 1: to convince our partners to have different values, different focuses,
Speaker 1: different priorities is a waste of time, and I think
Speaker 1: one of the biggest reasons why we struggle to manifest
Speaker 1: love is we look at people like a project. We
Speaker 1: want to find someone that we can fix, solve, improve, upgrade.
Speaker 1: That isn't love. That's called work, and love and work
Speaker 1: are not aligned. You can't manifest love when what you
Speaker 1: actually were looking for was a project, someone who dependent
Speaker 1: on you, someone who made you feel worthy, someone who
Speaker 1: made you feel significant because they were so lacking. Only
Speaker 1: for you months in to realize you're putting in all
Speaker 1: the energy and the effort. Let me leave you with
Speaker 1: something simple. If you want to manifest romantic love this year,
Speaker 1: focus on four things. Number one, regulate your nervous system.
Speaker 1: There are subconscious parts of ourselves that are attracting us
Speaker 1: and connecting us with other people's subconscious These are usually
Speaker 1: the things you only see when you break up with someone.
Speaker 1: They're usually the things that you only notice when things
Speaker 1: finally end. If you think about all your relationships that
Speaker 1: didn't work out and go back to the moment you
Speaker 1: connected and think about what state you were actually in
Speaker 1: at that time, you'll immediately be able to know that
Speaker 1: you weren't ready for a relationship. It wasn't the right
Speaker 1: relationship you were looking for. The wrong things. You weren't
Speaker 1: focused and aligned in your nervous system. It didn't feel regulated.
Speaker 1: And what ends up happening in that position is we
Speaker 1: often want the other person to regulate our emotions, to
Speaker 1: regulate our nervous system for us, which exhausts them. So
Speaker 1: even if they are the right person, we push them
Speaker 1: away because we're asking them to do all of our work.
Speaker 1: Number two, align your identity with the relationship you want.
Speaker 1: The stories you tell about your past relationships, the stories
Speaker 1: you tell about yourself, the stories you tell about your ex,
Speaker 1: and the stories you tell about your dating life are
Speaker 1: not just stories. They your identity. If you believe you're
Speaker 1: unlucky in love, you will find more people to prove
Speaker 1: that is true. If you feel you don't deserve love,
Speaker 1: you will find more dates to prove that is true.
Speaker 1: You are going to prove the story you tell the
Speaker 1: most true, So change the story to what you want
Speaker 1: to be true. Your identity and the relationship you want
Speaker 1: should be aligned. Number three, Create environments where love can
Speaker 1: find you. Places of similar values, places of mutual friends,
Speaker 1: places that you go often. Don't keep thinking that love's
Speaker 1: going to magically appear. In the romantic movie way in
Speaker 1: the randomnest of places, that's less likely to happen. And
Speaker 1: the more you wait for that, the more you could
Speaker 1: be missing out on someone who's ideal for you where
Speaker 1: you least expect it, because it's where you visit the most.
Speaker 1: And number four, choose safety as intentionally as chemistry. Someone
Speaker 1: who makes you feel safe is more important than someone
Speaker 1: who makes you feel wanted. Someone who makes you feel
Speaker 1: safe is more important than someone who makes you feel pursued.
Speaker 1: Someone who makes you feel safe is more important than
Speaker 1: chemistry or butterflies or any of those initial experiences because
Speaker 1: you want to feel safe for the rest of your life.
Speaker 1: You want to be at peace. That's what will last.
Speaker 1: And finally, love doesn't arrive when you think about it enough.
Speaker 1: It arrives when your life makes room for it. To
Speaker 1: find love, you don't need to become perfect, you need
Speaker 1: to become present because the love you're looking for is
Speaker 1: also looking for someone who's ready. Thank you so much
Speaker 1: for listening to this episode. If you know someone who's
Speaker 1: struggling to find love, who's figuring out heartbreak, who's dating
Speaker 1: right now, send this episode to them because I truly
Speaker 1: believe it can help them. Understand what to really focus
Speaker 1: on when there's so much noise out there and distracting
Speaker 1: us away from what really makes a difference. It's not
Speaker 1: about a vision board, it's not about an ideal live
Speaker 1: It's all about the topics that I've talked about today,
Speaker 1: past this on. Thank you so much for listening, and
Speaker 1: I'll see you here again. Remember I'm forever in your
Speaker 1: corner and I'm always rooting for you. Hey, everyone, If
Speaker 1: you love that conversation, go and check out my episode
Speaker 1: with the world's leading therapist, Lorie Gottlieb, where she answers
Speaker 1: the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it
Speaker 1: comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying
Speaker 1: to figure out that space right now, you won't want
Speaker 1: to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.
Speaker 1: It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
Speaker 1: Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.