WEBVTT - How to Manifest REAL Love: What Actually Works! (According to Science) 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:04.040 Let me start with something honest. Most people who say 0:00:04.080 --> 0:00:08.480 they're trying to manifest love are actually doing things that 0:00:08.600 --> 0:00:12.840 quietly push love away. Not because they're unworthy, not because 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:16.640 they're broken, but because they've been taught the wrong definition 0:00:17.120 --> 0:00:22.280 of manifesting. We've been told that manifesting love means visualizing 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:26.680 the perfect person, saying affirmations, and waiting for the universe 0:00:26.760 --> 0:00:31.720 to deliver. But psychology tells a very different story. Love 0:00:31.800 --> 0:00:36.280 doesn't appear because you want it badly enough. Love appears 0:00:36.320 --> 0:00:41.520 when your beliefs, nervous system, habits, and identity are aligned 0:00:41.880 --> 0:00:45.080 with sustaining it. So today I want to talk about 0:00:45.080 --> 0:00:49.199 how to actually manifest romantic love this year in a 0:00:49.240 --> 0:00:54.000 way that's grounded in science, emotionally honest, and genuinely hopeful. 0:00:54.400 --> 0:00:57.160 And if you stay with me, this episode won't just 0:00:57.240 --> 0:01:00.600 change how you think about love. It will change how 0:01:00.680 --> 0:01:05.440 love finds you. Here's the reframe that changes everything. You 0:01:05.520 --> 0:01:09.920 don't attract the relationship you want. You attract the relationship 0:01:10.200 --> 0:01:14.560 you're ready to participate in. That's not spiritual language, that 0:01:14.760 --> 0:01:20.800 psychological reality. Research shows that relationship formation is predicted far 0:01:20.880 --> 0:01:26.920 more by emotional availability, attachment, security, and behavioral consistency than 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:31.280 by looks, money, or status, no matter what the Internet says. So, 0:01:31.440 --> 0:01:36.640 manifesting love isn't about calling someone in. It's about becoming 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:41.720 someone love can actually stay with. Manifesting love isn't about 0:01:41.800 --> 0:01:47.199 attracting the right person. It's about becoming emotionally available when 0:01:47.200 --> 0:01:53.120 they arrive. Manifesting love isn't about chemistry. It's about nervous 0:01:53.120 --> 0:01:57.919 system safety. It isn't about visualizing a relationship. It's about 0:01:57.920 --> 0:02:02.840 making room to actually have one. Manifesting love isn't about 0:02:02.840 --> 0:02:07.840 fixing yourself. It's about stopping the behaviors that block connection. 0:02:08.520 --> 0:02:13.520 Manifesting love isn't about being wanted, it's about being able 0:02:13.639 --> 0:02:18.000 to receive. Manifesting love isn't about waiting for a sign. 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:24.279 It's about recognizing consistency. Manifesting love isn't about high standards. 0:02:24.680 --> 0:02:27.920 It's about clear ones. So let's talk about how we 0:02:28.000 --> 0:02:33.360 do that. Principle one emotional availability. One of the most 0:02:33.360 --> 0:02:38.880 well researched ideas in relationships science is attachment theory. Decades 0:02:38.919 --> 0:02:42.280 of studies show that people tend to fall into patterns 0:02:42.280 --> 0:02:48.320 of how they connect secure, anxious, or avoidant. Here's what's important. 0:02:48.800 --> 0:02:53.119 A large meta analysis published in Personality and Social Psychology 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:58.320 review found that securely attached people are consistently rated as 0:02:58.440 --> 0:03:04.160 more desirable long term partners, regardless of physical attractiveness. Why 0:03:04.600 --> 0:03:11.120 because secure people communicate clearly, respond consistently, and are emotionally present. 0:03:11.960 --> 0:03:18.520 Secure people don't disappear to be chaste. Insecure people withdraw 0:03:18.720 --> 0:03:22.400 to see if you care. Secure people bring issues to 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:27.120 the person involved. Insecure people talk to everyone else first. 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:32.080 Secure people don't confuse intensity with intimacy. And here's the 0:03:32.160 --> 0:03:36.840 quiet truth. Many people say they want love, but they're 0:03:36.840 --> 0:03:41.000 not emotionally available. They're still attached to an ex, a fantasy, 0:03:41.360 --> 0:03:44.880 or a version of love that hurt them. So ask yourself, 0:03:45.680 --> 0:03:51.800 am I emotionally open or just emotionally hopeful? Because hope 0:03:52.240 --> 0:03:59.600 doesn't create availability, presence does. Remember this, chemistry without safety 0:03:59.720 --> 0:04:06.320 feels was exciting. Safety without chemistry feels boring. Secure love 0:04:06.840 --> 0:04:11.440 learns how to hold both. Manifesting love begins when you 0:04:11.600 --> 0:04:16.839 stop chasing emotional unavailability and stop calling it a passion. 0:04:17.400 --> 0:04:20.159 It's so fascinating to me. I was at an event 0:04:20.440 --> 0:04:24.159 during the holidays, and I was speaking of four women 0:04:24.680 --> 0:04:27.400 who all said to me that they wanted to find 0:04:27.600 --> 0:04:30.520 love and I asked them how dating was going, and 0:04:30.560 --> 0:04:33.320 they all said they weren't dating, they weren't meeting people. 0:04:33.960 --> 0:04:37.360 It's fascinating to me when our action is misaligned from 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:40.799 my intention. Now I realized dating is exhausting. I realized 0:04:40.839 --> 0:04:44.120 that the apps can be challenging. I recognize that this 0:04:44.360 --> 0:04:47.279 isn't easy. But what I want to share with you 0:04:47.400 --> 0:04:52.840 is this, when you become more emotionally available with your friends, 0:04:52.880 --> 0:04:58.080 your family, open to connect, when you're figuring out how 0:04:58.080 --> 0:05:01.920 you're actually showing up as the person you want someone 0:05:01.920 --> 0:05:05.360 to fall in love with already, guess what, there's going 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:09.039 to be more opportunities for you to create that connection 0:05:09.560 --> 0:05:12.839 because you're already showing up as the person who you 0:05:12.920 --> 0:05:15.320 want to be. You're already showing up as the person 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:17.560 that someone can fall in love with. You're already showing 0:05:17.640 --> 0:05:20.279 up as that person. It makes such a big difference. Now, 0:05:20.320 --> 0:05:22.880 anyone who says it doesn't happen magically, you're right. It 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:26.040 doesn't happen magically. But it's that you start to spot 0:05:26.080 --> 0:05:29.560 the opportunities. It's that you start to see whether there 0:05:29.640 --> 0:05:32.600 might be a connection or compatibility. And the best part 0:05:32.640 --> 0:05:34.920 is you also know when it isn't I think that's 0:05:34.920 --> 0:05:37.760 another thing. A lot of us waste our time in 0:05:37.960 --> 0:05:41.719 areas or with people that we know aren't the one 0:05:42.160 --> 0:05:44.400 because we're so desperate and want to be with someone 0:05:44.839 --> 0:05:47.600 that we actually miss out on someone who might be 0:05:47.720 --> 0:05:50.640 right there because we're too busy over here, and so 0:05:50.839 --> 0:05:54.680 making space is so important. Now Step one won't work 0:05:55.320 --> 0:06:02.920 unless we understand principle two, identity shape attraction. Let's talk 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:07.960 about identity. Psychologists have known for decades that self concept 0:06:08.040 --> 0:06:13.920 predicts behavior more reliably than intention. Think about this. You 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:17.920 don't act based on what you want. You act based 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:21.719 on who you believe you are. Studies published in the 0:06:21.800 --> 0:06:26.800 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology show that people subconsciously 0:06:26.920 --> 0:06:33.479 choose partners and tolerate behavior that confirm their self story, 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:37.799 even when that story hurts them. The story you tell yourself, 0:06:38.160 --> 0:06:41.720 the story you tell others, the story you believe about yourself, 0:06:42.640 --> 0:06:46.120 is the kind of partner you allow into your life. 0:06:46.640 --> 0:06:50.120 If you always believe that you're unlucky in love, you 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:53.360 will find the evidence to match that. See. What our 0:06:53.400 --> 0:06:57.640 mind does is that it seeks out proof for what 0:06:57.680 --> 0:07:01.800 we already believe. It seeks out for what you already believe. 0:07:02.240 --> 0:07:04.840 So if you believe you're unlucky in love, you'll meet 0:07:04.880 --> 0:07:08.039 someone and it won't work out, and then you'll feel unlucky. 0:07:08.080 --> 0:07:11.840 You are noticing, you're training your mind to notice that. So, 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:16.160 if somewhere inside you believe I'm unlucky in love, people 0:07:16.240 --> 0:07:20.160 always leave. I'm just too much. You don't just think 0:07:20.200 --> 0:07:25.320 those thoughts, you live them. You over explain, you overgive, 0:07:25.720 --> 0:07:29.000 you ignore red flags, You stay longer than you should, 0:07:29.640 --> 0:07:34.520 because ultimately you're simply trying to prove the argument in 0:07:34.560 --> 0:07:37.960 your mind. If you tell everyone the story of you 0:07:38.000 --> 0:07:40.120 know what, I've just never been able to find someone 0:07:40.960 --> 0:07:45.040 that everyone in my life connects with, you will find 0:07:45.120 --> 0:07:47.880 the person that everyone in your life connects with. A 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:51.640 part from your sister right, because you're trying to repeat 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:54.240 that evidence, you're trying to prove that to yourself. It's 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:57.160 fascinating how the mind works. You've probably seen this in 0:07:57.200 --> 0:08:00.160 other areas as well. Whatever you believe, you start to 0:08:00.160 --> 0:08:05.640 see it everywhere. But manifesting love requires shifting from intention 0:08:06.520 --> 0:08:10.080 to identity. You don't want to say I want a 0:08:10.120 --> 0:08:16.360 healthy relationship, but I'm someone who is part of healthy relationships. 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:20.360 I'm someone who participates in healthy relationships. Notice how it's 0:08:20.360 --> 0:08:26.000 a different shift that identity shows up as boundaries without guilt, 0:08:26.560 --> 0:08:32.960 standards without defensiveness, and curiosity without the anxiety. Here's the 0:08:33.000 --> 0:08:40.160 line to remember. Love responds to identity signals, not affirmations. 0:08:40.800 --> 0:08:43.480 I want you to be really clear about what you 0:08:43.600 --> 0:08:47.640 notice about yourself and what you believe about yourself. Everyone 0:08:47.840 --> 0:08:51.640 can tell two stories, the incredible things they did or 0:08:51.640 --> 0:08:54.439 the bad things that happen to them. It's all about 0:08:54.440 --> 0:08:57.600 which one you notice and which one you expand upon. 0:08:58.280 --> 0:09:00.800 When you believe that everything you been through in your 0:09:00.800 --> 0:09:03.520 life has brought you to this place where you're ready 0:09:03.559 --> 0:09:07.040 for the right relationship, you're ready for a healthier relationship. 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:09.199 You're not going to settle for less than you deserve, 0:09:09.280 --> 0:09:13.760 but you're not gonna have crazy expectations that aren't realistic. 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:17.440 You actually get to move forward. But when you keep 0:09:17.480 --> 0:09:20.320 creating stories about why your love life hasn't worked out, 0:09:21.120 --> 0:09:26.680 you will constantly exacerbate and expand them into your life. Now, 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:28.720 I know that I've talked to you about principle one 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:33.360 and two, but principal three is the real practical unlock. 0:09:34.120 --> 0:09:38.440 Principal three is all about proximity and probability. Now let's 0:09:38.480 --> 0:09:42.480 ground this even more. One of the strongest findings in 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:49.160 attraction research is something called the mere exposure effect. Simply put, 0:09:49.480 --> 0:09:53.560 the more we see someone, the more familiar and attractive 0:09:53.600 --> 0:09:57.960 they become. Another well established principle is the propinquity effect. 0:09:58.480 --> 0:10:04.000 Relationships formed through repeated proximity. In fact, research consistently shows 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:08.760 that most long term couples meet through shared environments, shared routines, 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:14.720 and repeated interaction, not destiny. So here's the reframe. Love 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:18.240 doesn't show up when you're ready. Love shows up when 0:10:18.240 --> 0:10:22.280 you're reachable. If your life has no rhythm, love has 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:26.720 no entry point. Manifesting love looks like showing up to 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:30.920 the same places at the same times around people who 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:36.520 share your values. This isn't forcing love, This is designing coincidence. 0:10:36.800 --> 0:10:39.080 Think about it. So many people meet at work, so 0:10:39.160 --> 0:10:42.360 many people meet at their place of worship. People meet 0:10:42.360 --> 0:10:46.319 people in places of similar value like a charity. Some 0:10:46.360 --> 0:10:49.760 people meet people at a party of a mutual friends 0:10:50.720 --> 0:10:52.640 most of the time. And if you think about just 0:10:52.679 --> 0:10:55.920 twenty five to fifty years ago, most people got married 0:10:55.920 --> 0:10:58.160 to someone within a five mile radius of where they 0:10:58.160 --> 0:11:03.079 grew up If we don't have proximity with opportunity, our 0:11:03.240 --> 0:11:07.880 probability of finding love goes down. And for most of us, 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:12.440 we're trying to find love more randomly what feels like magic, 0:11:12.480 --> 0:11:16.760 what feels like synchronicity, rather than looking for it. Sometimes 0:11:16.800 --> 0:11:20.360 in the most obvious places that are right there. You're 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:22.720 more likely to fall in love and find someone who's 0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:25.680 right for you in a place that you've repeatedly gone 0:11:25.720 --> 0:11:29.240 to than somewhere where you went once. And we always 0:11:29.240 --> 0:11:32.240 hear about those amazing stories I was on vacation. Oh, 0:11:32.280 --> 0:11:34.640 I was taking a little sabbatical. Ah, we just bumped 0:11:34.640 --> 0:11:37.600 into each other. Those are beautiful, and that's amazing. But 0:11:38.240 --> 0:11:42.160 the research proves that it's the repeated interactions that increase 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:46.920 the probability for connection. Don't underestimate the people you know 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:49.600 the most to help you find someone that you could love. 0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:53.680 Don't underestimate the places that you already go to to 0:11:53.760 --> 0:11:59.600 potentially discover the right partner. Don't underestimate the repetitive patterns 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:24.440 in your life that can lead to spontaneous connection. Now, 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:29.839 this principle that I'm about to share is so necessary 0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:33.840 because when we're looking for love, it's usually from a 0:12:33.840 --> 0:12:37.920 place of desperation, a place of anxiety, a place of stress. 0:12:38.200 --> 0:12:40.160 Maybe you are told if you're not married by thirty 0:12:40.200 --> 0:12:42.600 your life's been complete. If you haven't got kids by 0:12:42.640 --> 0:12:47.240 thirty five, that's really late. And now those times play 0:12:47.280 --> 0:12:51.480 on your mind and play on your subconscious. Your body's 0:12:51.520 --> 0:12:56.160 stressed out, you're feeling anxious, your heart's beating fast. I 0:12:56.240 --> 0:13:01.079 interviewed Quinlan Walther, who's a relationship coach, and she said, 0:13:01.600 --> 0:13:05.160 you should never go shopping when you're hungry, and in 0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:08.360 the same way, you should never go dating when you're starving, 0:13:08.400 --> 0:13:11.320 when you're feeling like you don't have anything. Think about 0:13:11.360 --> 0:13:13.680 all the decisions you would make. If you enter the 0:13:13.679 --> 0:13:16.920 grocery store and you are starving, you'd buy everything. It 0:13:17.000 --> 0:13:19.679 probably won't even be good for you, and you'd probably overbuy. 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:24.120 You'd probably overspend. We make mistakes when we come from 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:26.640 a place of lack. But then you're saying to me, Jay, 0:13:26.640 --> 0:13:29.360 how am I meant to go full shopping? Like? How 0:13:29.400 --> 0:13:31.000 do I do that? In love? How am I meant 0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:33.120 to feel full in love when I'm looking for someone 0:13:33.160 --> 0:13:36.480 to love me? How does that make sense? Well, that's 0:13:36.520 --> 0:13:41.760 where Principal four comes in. It's nervous system compatibility. Now, 0:13:41.800 --> 0:13:46.040 this might be the most important principle. Your nervous system 0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:51.160 is choosing your partners before your mind does. According to 0:13:51.240 --> 0:13:56.319 research from polyvagal theory, humans are subconsciously drawn to people 0:13:56.600 --> 0:14:02.920 whose nervous systems feel familiar, not necessarily healthy. That's why 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:08.040 chaos can feel like chemistry and calm can feel like boring. 0:14:08.920 --> 0:14:13.360 Here's the hard truth. Many people aren't attracted to love. 0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:18.640 They're attracted to what their nervous system already knows. So 0:14:18.800 --> 0:14:26.200 manifesting love means retraining your body to tolerate consistency, predictability, 0:14:26.560 --> 0:14:31.760 and emotional safety. After a date, ask yourself, do I 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:39.840 feel regulated or disregulated, calm or anxious, grounded or on edge? 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:43.880 Love isn't proven by butterflies. It's proven by how your 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:48.920 body feels after the interaction. What's fascinating to me is 0:14:49.040 --> 0:14:53.680 how many of us underestimate how our nervous system is 0:14:53.720 --> 0:14:56.440 actually attracting us to someone. If you're always in a 0:14:56.480 --> 0:14:58.720 far base state, you're going to be attracted to people 0:14:58.760 --> 0:15:00.840 in a FAA bay state because it it feels familiar, 0:15:01.120 --> 0:15:04.080 even though it's not good for you. If you're always 0:15:04.200 --> 0:15:06.720 in an anxiety based state. You're going to attract someone 0:15:06.720 --> 0:15:09.360 who's in an anxiety based state or creates more anxiety 0:15:09.480 --> 0:15:13.160 because it feels familiar, but it's not good for you. Remember, 0:15:13.240 --> 0:15:16.240 you can fall in love with someone who isn't good 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:20.120 for you because they make your nervous system feel familiar 0:15:20.440 --> 0:15:25.200 in the fear and anxiety. Until you choose to regulate 0:15:25.280 --> 0:15:29.200 and rise above that for yourself, you won't be able 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:32.720 to connect with a higher frequency. And we get lost, right. 0:15:32.760 --> 0:15:35.760 We think it's all about if I have everything on 0:15:35.800 --> 0:15:38.240 the list, if I know exactly what I want, if 0:15:38.280 --> 0:15:41.000 I'm really aware. That's what we think manifesting love is. 0:15:41.880 --> 0:15:44.240 But can you notice how far the points I'm sharing 0:15:44.280 --> 0:15:47.800 are from that form of manifestation. That's almost like wishful thinking, 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:52.000 it's like imagination, it's dream works. But to actually do 0:15:52.040 --> 0:15:54.840 the work, to actually create shifts in our life, to 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:59.840 actually change and upgrade ourselves so that we actually connect 0:15:59.840 --> 0:16:02.200 with the right energy, we connect with the right frequency, 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:07.640 makes a massive difference. If we're aligned, then we're going 0:16:07.680 --> 0:16:11.160 to meet people that are more aligned, and that's not aligned. 0:16:11.200 --> 0:16:15.520 From some spiritual mental perspective, it comes down to your 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:19.520 regulation of your nervous system. Principal five is all about 0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:25.480 standards versus defenses. Let's talk about boundaries. Research shows that clear, 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:33.160 calm boundaries increase relational respect, while defensiveness reduces connection. Here's 0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:37.840 the difference between a standard and defending yourself. Standards say 0:16:38.400 --> 0:16:42.480 this is what I value. Defense says this is what 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:48.120 I'm afraid of. Defenses push people away. Standards invite the 0:16:48.200 --> 0:16:52.680 right people closer. But here's what's fascinating. We're so scared 0:16:52.680 --> 0:16:55.360 that we sound like we're defending ourselves that in the 0:16:55.440 --> 0:16:58.680 early stages of a relationship we will lower our standards, 0:16:58.840 --> 0:17:02.080 we will remove boundary, we'll let someone walk right over 0:17:02.240 --> 0:17:04.760 us because we don't want to push them away. So 0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:07.359 what do we do. Here's how it works. Someone asks 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:10.240 you to do something. It's breaking a boundary of yours, 0:17:10.600 --> 0:17:12.879 but you do it anyway because you think, well, I 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:14.960 like them, they like me. Let's just make it work. 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:18.439 Two months in, three months, in, maybe even two years in. 0:17:18.520 --> 0:17:21.120 Sometimes you say, now I need to set this boundary. 0:17:21.160 --> 0:17:23.400 Now that we know each other better, you now set 0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:25.879 that boundary, and that person goes, well, why didn't you 0:17:25.880 --> 0:17:28.560 send this boundary before? I've never heard this before. I 0:17:28.600 --> 0:17:31.159 didn't realize that was important to you. We make it 0:17:31.200 --> 0:17:34.720 out like they're attacking us, so we're defending ourselves. No, 0:17:34.800 --> 0:17:36.399 this one I'm afraid of. No, I don't want it 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:37.960 to be like this. No, I don't no, no, No. 0:17:37.960 --> 0:17:40.840 It's not saying what you value. It's not saying what's 0:17:40.880 --> 0:17:43.600 important to you. I remember when Radi and I first 0:17:43.600 --> 0:17:45.840 started dating, she'd always say to me, it's really important 0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:50.000 to me that I'm present with my family on their birthdays, 0:17:50.119 --> 0:17:53.400 on celebration days, on the weekends, like that's really really 0:17:53.480 --> 0:17:55.520 important to me. And I'd always say to it, it's 0:17:55.600 --> 0:17:59.520 really important to me that I'm doing my service. I'm 0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:03.199 out there spending time with people, sharing sharing wisdom. I 0:18:03.240 --> 0:18:05.960 wasn't saying to her, I'm scared that if I'm with you, 0:18:06.000 --> 0:18:08.400 I won't get to do that, and she wasn't saying 0:18:08.440 --> 0:18:10.600 to you, I'm scared if you're doing that, then I 0:18:10.640 --> 0:18:14.080 won't get to do this. If someone respects you, your 0:18:14.200 --> 0:18:19.159 boundaries will bring them closer. If someone doesn't respect you, you, 0:18:19.320 --> 0:18:23.600 setting a boundary will push them away. Setting a boundary 0:18:23.640 --> 0:18:27.080 is a great way to know whether someone truly loves 0:18:27.080 --> 0:18:30.960 you and respects you, or whether they don't here's what 0:18:31.000 --> 0:18:35.040 I want you to remember. Manifesting love doesn't mean lowering 0:18:35.119 --> 0:18:40.800 standards to avoid loneliness. It means raising self respect so 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:43.520 you don't have to chase. I think when we think 0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:47.560 about standards and boundaries, we start proclaiming them as no, 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:49.719 I won't accept less than this. No, this is what 0:18:49.760 --> 0:18:52.439 I deserve. That's fine for you to feel that, but 0:18:52.480 --> 0:18:58.040 the way you communicate that to someone has to be receivable, digestible, understandable. 0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:03.040 Sharing something is your value, as your priority, as something 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:07.320 that is important to you, is far more valuable than 0:19:07.440 --> 0:19:10.320 sharing it in a way that makes someone feel that 0:19:10.440 --> 0:19:14.440 they have to value it. This is the key. When 0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:18.360 you share your value, it's not so that the other 0:19:18.480 --> 0:19:22.080 person can value it to the same degree. It's so 0:19:22.200 --> 0:19:25.680 that they can respect your value and you can continue 0:19:25.680 --> 0:19:29.119 to prioritize it. Your goal in a relationship is not 0:19:29.160 --> 0:19:33.120 to convince your partner to value what you value. It's 0:19:33.119 --> 0:19:36.679 to respect what they value and let them respect what 0:19:36.880 --> 0:19:40.639 you value and continue to have a healthy relationship. Trying 0:19:40.680 --> 0:19:44.919 to convince our partners to have different values, different focuses, 0:19:45.040 --> 0:19:48.800 different priorities is a waste of time, and I think 0:19:48.840 --> 0:19:51.200 one of the biggest reasons why we struggle to manifest 0:19:51.240 --> 0:19:54.560 love is we look at people like a project. We 0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:57.840 want to find someone that we can fix, solve, improve, upgrade. 0:19:58.560 --> 0:20:03.760 That isn't love. That's called work, and love and work 0:20:03.920 --> 0:20:07.119 are not aligned. You can't manifest love when what you 0:20:07.200 --> 0:20:10.000 actually were looking for was a project, someone who dependent 0:20:10.080 --> 0:20:12.640 on you, someone who made you feel worthy, someone who 0:20:12.640 --> 0:20:16.080 made you feel significant because they were so lacking. Only 0:20:16.119 --> 0:20:18.679 for you months in to realize you're putting in all 0:20:18.720 --> 0:20:21.960 the energy and the effort. Let me leave you with 0:20:22.080 --> 0:20:26.720 something simple. If you want to manifest romantic love this year, 0:20:27.359 --> 0:20:33.280 focus on four things. Number one, regulate your nervous system. 0:20:33.600 --> 0:20:37.880 There are subconscious parts of ourselves that are attracting us 0:20:37.920 --> 0:20:42.240 and connecting us with other people's subconscious These are usually 0:20:42.280 --> 0:20:44.560 the things you only see when you break up with someone. 0:20:44.840 --> 0:20:47.920 They're usually the things that you only notice when things 0:20:47.960 --> 0:20:51.199 finally end. If you think about all your relationships that 0:20:51.240 --> 0:20:53.879 didn't work out and go back to the moment you 0:20:54.000 --> 0:20:57.119 connected and think about what state you were actually in 0:20:57.200 --> 0:20:59.840 at that time, you'll immediately be able to know that 0:20:59.880 --> 0:21:02.640 you weren't ready for a relationship. It wasn't the right 0:21:02.680 --> 0:21:05.840 relationship you were looking for. The wrong things. You weren't 0:21:06.240 --> 0:21:10.119 focused and aligned in your nervous system. It didn't feel regulated. 0:21:10.200 --> 0:21:12.159 And what ends up happening in that position is we 0:21:12.240 --> 0:21:15.720 often want the other person to regulate our emotions, to 0:21:15.880 --> 0:21:19.439 regulate our nervous system for us, which exhausts them. So 0:21:19.560 --> 0:21:22.240 even if they are the right person, we push them 0:21:22.280 --> 0:21:25.600 away because we're asking them to do all of our work. 0:21:26.240 --> 0:21:30.240 Number two, align your identity with the relationship you want. 0:21:30.680 --> 0:21:34.360 The stories you tell about your past relationships, the stories 0:21:34.400 --> 0:21:37.879 you tell about yourself, the stories you tell about your ex, 0:21:38.200 --> 0:21:41.080 and the stories you tell about your dating life are 0:21:41.119 --> 0:21:45.800 not just stories. They your identity. If you believe you're 0:21:45.880 --> 0:21:50.200 unlucky in love, you will find more people to prove 0:21:50.280 --> 0:21:53.680 that is true. If you feel you don't deserve love, 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:58.840 you will find more dates to prove that is true. 0:21:58.920 --> 0:22:01.359 You are going to prove the story you tell the 0:22:01.440 --> 0:22:06.560 most true, So change the story to what you want 0:22:06.600 --> 0:22:11.120 to be true. Your identity and the relationship you want 0:22:11.400 --> 0:22:16.160 should be aligned. Number three, Create environments where love can 0:22:16.200 --> 0:22:20.320 find you. Places of similar values, places of mutual friends, 0:22:20.640 --> 0:22:24.439 places that you go often. Don't keep thinking that love's 0:22:24.480 --> 0:22:28.840 going to magically appear. In the romantic movie way in 0:22:28.880 --> 0:22:32.760 the randomnest of places, that's less likely to happen. And 0:22:32.840 --> 0:22:35.040 the more you wait for that, the more you could 0:22:35.040 --> 0:22:37.600 be missing out on someone who's ideal for you where 0:22:37.600 --> 0:22:40.679 you least expect it, because it's where you visit the most. 0:22:41.200 --> 0:22:47.040 And number four, choose safety as intentionally as chemistry. Someone 0:22:47.080 --> 0:22:51.679 who makes you feel safe is more important than someone 0:22:51.720 --> 0:22:55.280 who makes you feel wanted. Someone who makes you feel 0:22:55.359 --> 0:22:59.960 safe is more important than someone who makes you feel pursued. 0:23:00.880 --> 0:23:05.680 Someone who makes you feel safe is more important than 0:23:05.800 --> 0:23:11.840 chemistry or butterflies or any of those initial experiences because 0:23:11.880 --> 0:23:13.720 you want to feel safe for the rest of your life. 0:23:14.240 --> 0:23:17.159 You want to be at peace. That's what will last. 0:23:17.800 --> 0:23:21.840 And finally, love doesn't arrive when you think about it enough. 0:23:22.400 --> 0:23:26.080 It arrives when your life makes room for it. To 0:23:26.160 --> 0:23:30.080 find love, you don't need to become perfect, you need 0:23:30.119 --> 0:23:34.000 to become present because the love you're looking for is 0:23:34.200 --> 0:23:38.480 also looking for someone who's ready. Thank you so much 0:23:38.480 --> 0:23:41.280 for listening to this episode. If you know someone who's 0:23:41.280 --> 0:23:45.280 struggling to find love, who's figuring out heartbreak, who's dating 0:23:45.359 --> 0:23:48.280 right now, send this episode to them because I truly 0:23:48.359 --> 0:23:51.480 believe it can help them. Understand what to really focus 0:23:51.520 --> 0:23:54.560 on when there's so much noise out there and distracting 0:23:54.640 --> 0:23:57.639 us away from what really makes a difference. It's not 0:23:57.680 --> 0:23:59.960 about a vision board, it's not about an ideal live 0:24:00.480 --> 0:24:02.719 It's all about the topics that I've talked about today, 0:24:03.200 --> 0:24:06.040 past this on. Thank you so much for listening, and 0:24:06.080 --> 0:24:08.760 I'll see you here again. Remember I'm forever in your 0:24:08.760 --> 0:24:12.000 corner and I'm always rooting for you. Hey, everyone, If 0:24:12.040 --> 0:24:15.280 you love that conversation, go and check out my episode 0:24:15.359 --> 0:24:19.520 with the world's leading therapist, Lorie Gottlieb, where she answers 0:24:19.560 --> 0:24:23.159 the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it 0:24:23.160 --> 0:24:27.800 comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying 0:24:27.840 --> 0:24:30.400 to figure out that space right now, you won't want 0:24:30.400 --> 0:24:34.960 to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. 0:24:35.440 --> 0:24:39.000 It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. 0:24:39.440 --> 0:24:43.000 Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.