1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:04,040 Speaker 1: Let me start with something honest. Most people who say 2 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:08,480 Speaker 1: they're trying to manifest love are actually doing things that 3 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: quietly push love away. Not because they're unworthy, not because 4 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:16,640 Speaker 1: they're broken, but because they've been taught the wrong definition 5 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:22,280 Speaker 1: of manifesting. We've been told that manifesting love means visualizing 6 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:26,680 Speaker 1: the perfect person, saying affirmations, and waiting for the universe 7 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:31,720 Speaker 1: to deliver. But psychology tells a very different story. Love 8 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:36,280 Speaker 1: doesn't appear because you want it badly enough. Love appears 9 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:41,520 Speaker 1: when your beliefs, nervous system, habits, and identity are aligned 10 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:45,080 Speaker 1: with sustaining it. So today I want to talk about 11 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:49,199 Speaker 1: how to actually manifest romantic love this year in a 12 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:54,000 Speaker 1: way that's grounded in science, emotionally honest, and genuinely hopeful. 13 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,160 Speaker 1: And if you stay with me, this episode won't just 14 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,600 Speaker 1: change how you think about love. It will change how 15 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:05,440 Speaker 1: love finds you. Here's the reframe that changes everything. You 16 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 1: don't attract the relationship you want. You attract the relationship 17 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:14,560 Speaker 1: you're ready to participate in. That's not spiritual language, that 18 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 1: psychological reality. Research shows that relationship formation is predicted far 19 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:26,920 Speaker 1: more by emotional availability, attachment, security, and behavioral consistency than 20 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 1: by looks, money, or status, no matter what the Internet says. So, 21 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:36,640 Speaker 1: manifesting love isn't about calling someone in. It's about becoming 22 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: someone love can actually stay with. Manifesting love isn't about 23 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:47,199 Speaker 1: attracting the right person. It's about becoming emotionally available when 24 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 1: they arrive. Manifesting love isn't about chemistry. It's about nervous 25 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:57,919 Speaker 1: system safety. It isn't about visualizing a relationship. It's about 26 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:02,840 Speaker 1: making room to actually have one. Manifesting love isn't about 27 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:07,840 Speaker 1: fixing yourself. It's about stopping the behaviors that block connection. 28 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 1: Manifesting love isn't about being wanted, it's about being able 29 00:02:13,639 --> 00:02:18,000 Speaker 1: to receive. Manifesting love isn't about waiting for a sign. 30 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:24,279 Speaker 1: It's about recognizing consistency. Manifesting love isn't about high standards. 31 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,920 Speaker 1: It's about clear ones. So let's talk about how we 32 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:33,360 Speaker 1: do that. Principle one emotional availability. One of the most 33 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:38,880 Speaker 1: well researched ideas in relationships science is attachment theory. Decades 34 00:02:38,919 --> 00:02:42,280 Speaker 1: of studies show that people tend to fall into patterns 35 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:48,320 Speaker 1: of how they connect secure, anxious, or avoidant. Here's what's important. 36 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:53,119 Speaker 1: A large meta analysis published in Personality and Social Psychology 37 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:58,320 Speaker 1: review found that securely attached people are consistently rated as 38 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:04,160 Speaker 1: more desirable long term partners, regardless of physical attractiveness. Why 39 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:11,120 Speaker 1: because secure people communicate clearly, respond consistently, and are emotionally present. 40 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:18,520 Speaker 1: Secure people don't disappear to be chaste. Insecure people withdraw 41 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:22,400 Speaker 1: to see if you care. Secure people bring issues to 42 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:27,120 Speaker 1: the person involved. Insecure people talk to everyone else first. 43 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:32,080 Speaker 1: Secure people don't confuse intensity with intimacy. And here's the 44 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:36,840 Speaker 1: quiet truth. Many people say they want love, but they're 45 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:41,000 Speaker 1: not emotionally available. They're still attached to an ex, a fantasy, 46 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,880 Speaker 1: or a version of love that hurt them. So ask yourself, 47 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:51,800 Speaker 1: am I emotionally open or just emotionally hopeful? Because hope 48 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:59,600 Speaker 1: doesn't create availability, presence does. Remember this, chemistry without safety 49 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 1: feels was exciting. Safety without chemistry feels boring. Secure love 50 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:11,440 Speaker 1: learns how to hold both. Manifesting love begins when you 51 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:16,839 Speaker 1: stop chasing emotional unavailability and stop calling it a passion. 52 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,159 Speaker 1: It's so fascinating to me. I was at an event 53 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:24,159 Speaker 1: during the holidays, and I was speaking of four women 54 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,400 Speaker 1: who all said to me that they wanted to find 55 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 1: love and I asked them how dating was going, and 56 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,320 Speaker 1: they all said they weren't dating, they weren't meeting people. 57 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:37,360 Speaker 1: It's fascinating to me when our action is misaligned from 58 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,799 Speaker 1: my intention. Now I realized dating is exhausting. I realized 59 00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:44,120 Speaker 1: that the apps can be challenging. I recognize that this 60 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,279 Speaker 1: isn't easy. But what I want to share with you 61 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:52,840 Speaker 1: is this, when you become more emotionally available with your friends, 62 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 1: your family, open to connect, when you're figuring out how 63 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,920 Speaker 1: you're actually showing up as the person you want someone 64 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:05,360 Speaker 1: to fall in love with already, guess what, there's going 65 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:09,039 Speaker 1: to be more opportunities for you to create that connection 66 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,839 Speaker 1: because you're already showing up as the person who you 67 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:15,320 Speaker 1: want to be. You're already showing up as the person 68 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,560 Speaker 1: that someone can fall in love with. You're already showing 69 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,279 Speaker 1: up as that person. It makes such a big difference. Now, 70 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,880 Speaker 1: anyone who says it doesn't happen magically, you're right. It 71 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:26,040 Speaker 1: doesn't happen magically. But it's that you start to spot 72 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,560 Speaker 1: the opportunities. It's that you start to see whether there 73 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:32,600 Speaker 1: might be a connection or compatibility. And the best part 74 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,920 Speaker 1: is you also know when it isn't I think that's 75 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,760 Speaker 1: another thing. A lot of us waste our time in 76 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,719 Speaker 1: areas or with people that we know aren't the one 77 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 1: because we're so desperate and want to be with someone 78 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:47,600 Speaker 1: that we actually miss out on someone who might be 79 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,640 Speaker 1: right there because we're too busy over here, and so 80 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 1: making space is so important. Now Step one won't work 81 00:05:55,320 --> 00:06:02,920 Speaker 1: unless we understand principle two, identity shape attraction. Let's talk 82 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 1: about identity. Psychologists have known for decades that self concept 83 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:13,920 Speaker 1: predicts behavior more reliably than intention. Think about this. You 84 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 1: don't act based on what you want. You act based 85 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,719 Speaker 1: on who you believe you are. Studies published in the 86 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:26,800 Speaker 1: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology show that people subconsciously 87 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:33,479 Speaker 1: choose partners and tolerate behavior that confirm their self story, 88 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:37,799 Speaker 1: even when that story hurts them. The story you tell yourself, 89 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:41,720 Speaker 1: the story you tell others, the story you believe about yourself, 90 00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:46,120 Speaker 1: is the kind of partner you allow into your life. 91 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,120 Speaker 1: If you always believe that you're unlucky in love, you 92 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:53,360 Speaker 1: will find the evidence to match that. See. What our 93 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 1: mind does is that it seeks out proof for what 94 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:01,800 Speaker 1: we already believe. It seeks out for what you already believe. 95 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,840 Speaker 1: So if you believe you're unlucky in love, you'll meet 96 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,039 Speaker 1: someone and it won't work out, and then you'll feel unlucky. 97 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 1: You are noticing, you're training your mind to notice that. So, 98 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: if somewhere inside you believe I'm unlucky in love, people 99 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:20,160 Speaker 1: always leave. I'm just too much. You don't just think 100 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:25,320 Speaker 1: those thoughts, you live them. You over explain, you overgive, 101 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:29,000 Speaker 1: you ignore red flags, You stay longer than you should, 102 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 1: because ultimately you're simply trying to prove the argument in 103 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:37,960 Speaker 1: your mind. If you tell everyone the story of you 104 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 1: know what, I've just never been able to find someone 105 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:45,040 Speaker 1: that everyone in my life connects with, you will find 106 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,880 Speaker 1: the person that everyone in your life connects with. A 107 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:51,640 Speaker 1: part from your sister right, because you're trying to repeat 108 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,240 Speaker 1: that evidence, you're trying to prove that to yourself. It's 109 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:57,160 Speaker 1: fascinating how the mind works. You've probably seen this in 110 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,160 Speaker 1: other areas as well. Whatever you believe, you start to 111 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:05,640 Speaker 1: see it everywhere. But manifesting love requires shifting from intention 112 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:10,080 Speaker 1: to identity. You don't want to say I want a 113 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:16,360 Speaker 1: healthy relationship, but I'm someone who is part of healthy relationships. 114 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:20,360 Speaker 1: I'm someone who participates in healthy relationships. Notice how it's 115 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:26,000 Speaker 1: a different shift that identity shows up as boundaries without guilt, 116 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:32,960 Speaker 1: standards without defensiveness, and curiosity without the anxiety. Here's the 117 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:40,160 Speaker 1: line to remember. Love responds to identity signals, not affirmations. 118 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 1: I want you to be really clear about what you 119 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:47,640 Speaker 1: notice about yourself and what you believe about yourself. Everyone 120 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 1: can tell two stories, the incredible things they did or 121 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,439 Speaker 1: the bad things that happen to them. It's all about 122 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,600 Speaker 1: which one you notice and which one you expand upon. 123 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,800 Speaker 1: When you believe that everything you been through in your 124 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,520 Speaker 1: life has brought you to this place where you're ready 125 00:09:03,559 --> 00:09:07,040 Speaker 1: for the right relationship, you're ready for a healthier relationship. 126 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,199 Speaker 1: You're not going to settle for less than you deserve, 127 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:13,760 Speaker 1: but you're not gonna have crazy expectations that aren't realistic. 128 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,440 Speaker 1: You actually get to move forward. But when you keep 129 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,320 Speaker 1: creating stories about why your love life hasn't worked out, 130 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:26,680 Speaker 1: you will constantly exacerbate and expand them into your life. Now, 131 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,720 Speaker 1: I know that I've talked to you about principle one 132 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:33,360 Speaker 1: and two, but principal three is the real practical unlock. 133 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:38,440 Speaker 1: Principal three is all about proximity and probability. Now let's 134 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 1: ground this even more. One of the strongest findings in 135 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:49,160 Speaker 1: attraction research is something called the mere exposure effect. Simply put, 136 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:53,560 Speaker 1: the more we see someone, the more familiar and attractive 137 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:57,960 Speaker 1: they become. Another well established principle is the propinquity effect. 138 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:04,000 Speaker 1: Relationships formed through repeated proximity. In fact, research consistently shows 139 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 1: that most long term couples meet through shared environments, shared routines, 140 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 1: and repeated interaction, not destiny. So here's the reframe. Love 141 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,240 Speaker 1: doesn't show up when you're ready. Love shows up when 142 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: you're reachable. If your life has no rhythm, love has 143 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 1: no entry point. Manifesting love looks like showing up to 144 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 1: the same places at the same times around people who 145 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:36,520 Speaker 1: share your values. This isn't forcing love, This is designing coincidence. 146 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:39,080 Speaker 1: Think about it. So many people meet at work, so 147 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:42,360 Speaker 1: many people meet at their place of worship. People meet 148 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,319 Speaker 1: people in places of similar value like a charity. Some 149 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:49,760 Speaker 1: people meet people at a party of a mutual friends 150 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,640 Speaker 1: most of the time. And if you think about just 151 00:10:52,679 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 1: twenty five to fifty years ago, most people got married 152 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 1: to someone within a five mile radius of where they 153 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:03,079 Speaker 1: grew up If we don't have proximity with opportunity, our 154 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 1: probability of finding love goes down. And for most of us, 155 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:12,440 Speaker 1: we're trying to find love more randomly what feels like magic, 156 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:16,760 Speaker 1: what feels like synchronicity, rather than looking for it. Sometimes 157 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:20,360 Speaker 1: in the most obvious places that are right there. You're 158 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,720 Speaker 1: more likely to fall in love and find someone who's 159 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,680 Speaker 1: right for you in a place that you've repeatedly gone 160 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:29,240 Speaker 1: to than somewhere where you went once. And we always 161 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:32,240 Speaker 1: hear about those amazing stories I was on vacation. Oh, 162 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,640 Speaker 1: I was taking a little sabbatical. Ah, we just bumped 163 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,600 Speaker 1: into each other. Those are beautiful, and that's amazing. But 164 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 1: the research proves that it's the repeated interactions that increase 165 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:46,920 Speaker 1: the probability for connection. Don't underestimate the people you know 166 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,600 Speaker 1: the most to help you find someone that you could love. 167 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,680 Speaker 1: Don't underestimate the places that you already go to to 168 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: potentially discover the right partner. Don't underestimate the repetitive patterns 169 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:24,440 Speaker 1: in your life that can lead to spontaneous connection. Now, 170 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:29,839 Speaker 1: this principle that I'm about to share is so necessary 171 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:33,840 Speaker 1: because when we're looking for love, it's usually from a 172 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 1: place of desperation, a place of anxiety, a place of stress. 173 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,160 Speaker 1: Maybe you are told if you're not married by thirty 174 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 1: your life's been complete. If you haven't got kids by 175 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:47,240 Speaker 1: thirty five, that's really late. And now those times play 176 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:51,480 Speaker 1: on your mind and play on your subconscious. Your body's 177 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:56,160 Speaker 1: stressed out, you're feeling anxious, your heart's beating fast. I 178 00:12:56,240 --> 00:13:01,079 Speaker 1: interviewed Quinlan Walther, who's a relationship coach, and she said, 179 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:05,160 Speaker 1: you should never go shopping when you're hungry, and in 180 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,360 Speaker 1: the same way, you should never go dating when you're starving, 181 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,320 Speaker 1: when you're feeling like you don't have anything. Think about 182 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,680 Speaker 1: all the decisions you would make. If you enter the 183 00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:16,920 Speaker 1: grocery store and you are starving, you'd buy everything. It 184 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,679 Speaker 1: probably won't even be good for you, and you'd probably overbuy. 185 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,120 Speaker 1: You'd probably overspend. We make mistakes when we come from 186 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,640 Speaker 1: a place of lack. But then you're saying to me, Jay, 187 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,360 Speaker 1: how am I meant to go full shopping? Like? How 188 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,000 Speaker 1: do I do that? In love? How am I meant 189 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,120 Speaker 1: to feel full in love when I'm looking for someone 190 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,480 Speaker 1: to love me? How does that make sense? Well, that's 191 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:41,760 Speaker 1: where Principal four comes in. It's nervous system compatibility. Now, 192 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: this might be the most important principle. Your nervous system 193 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:51,160 Speaker 1: is choosing your partners before your mind does. According to 194 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:56,319 Speaker 1: research from polyvagal theory, humans are subconsciously drawn to people 195 00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:02,920 Speaker 1: whose nervous systems feel familiar, not necessarily healthy. That's why 196 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:08,040 Speaker 1: chaos can feel like chemistry and calm can feel like boring. 197 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:13,360 Speaker 1: Here's the hard truth. Many people aren't attracted to love. 198 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:18,640 Speaker 1: They're attracted to what their nervous system already knows. So 199 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:26,200 Speaker 1: manifesting love means retraining your body to tolerate consistency, predictability, 200 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:31,760 Speaker 1: and emotional safety. After a date, ask yourself, do I 201 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:39,840 Speaker 1: feel regulated or disregulated, calm or anxious, grounded or on edge? 202 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:43,880 Speaker 1: Love isn't proven by butterflies. It's proven by how your 203 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:48,920 Speaker 1: body feels after the interaction. What's fascinating to me is 204 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:53,680 Speaker 1: how many of us underestimate how our nervous system is 205 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:56,440 Speaker 1: actually attracting us to someone. If you're always in a 206 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,720 Speaker 1: far base state, you're going to be attracted to people 207 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,840 Speaker 1: in a FAA bay state because it it feels familiar, 208 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:04,080 Speaker 1: even though it's not good for you. If you're always 209 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,720 Speaker 1: in an anxiety based state. You're going to attract someone 210 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,360 Speaker 1: who's in an anxiety based state or creates more anxiety 211 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:13,160 Speaker 1: because it feels familiar, but it's not good for you. Remember, 212 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: you can fall in love with someone who isn't good 213 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:20,120 Speaker 1: for you because they make your nervous system feel familiar 214 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:25,200 Speaker 1: in the fear and anxiety. Until you choose to regulate 215 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:29,200 Speaker 1: and rise above that for yourself, you won't be able 216 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:32,720 Speaker 1: to connect with a higher frequency. And we get lost, right. 217 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 1: We think it's all about if I have everything on 218 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,240 Speaker 1: the list, if I know exactly what I want, if 219 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,000 Speaker 1: I'm really aware. That's what we think manifesting love is. 220 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 1: But can you notice how far the points I'm sharing 221 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 1: are from that form of manifestation. That's almost like wishful thinking, 222 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:52,000 Speaker 1: it's like imagination, it's dream works. But to actually do 223 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,840 Speaker 1: the work, to actually create shifts in our life, to 224 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:59,840 Speaker 1: actually change and upgrade ourselves so that we actually connect 225 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,200 Speaker 1: with the right energy, we connect with the right frequency, 226 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:07,640 Speaker 1: makes a massive difference. If we're aligned, then we're going 227 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 1: to meet people that are more aligned, and that's not aligned. 228 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:15,520 Speaker 1: From some spiritual mental perspective, it comes down to your 229 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:19,520 Speaker 1: regulation of your nervous system. Principal five is all about 230 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:25,480 Speaker 1: standards versus defenses. Let's talk about boundaries. Research shows that clear, 231 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:33,160 Speaker 1: calm boundaries increase relational respect, while defensiveness reduces connection. Here's 232 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:37,840 Speaker 1: the difference between a standard and defending yourself. Standards say 233 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:42,480 Speaker 1: this is what I value. Defense says this is what 234 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:48,120 Speaker 1: I'm afraid of. Defenses push people away. Standards invite the 235 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:52,680 Speaker 1: right people closer. But here's what's fascinating. We're so scared 236 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,360 Speaker 1: that we sound like we're defending ourselves that in the 237 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:58,680 Speaker 1: early stages of a relationship we will lower our standards, 238 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 1: we will remove boundary, we'll let someone walk right over 239 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,760 Speaker 1: us because we don't want to push them away. So 240 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,359 Speaker 1: what do we do. Here's how it works. Someone asks 241 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,240 Speaker 1: you to do something. It's breaking a boundary of yours, 242 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,879 Speaker 1: but you do it anyway because you think, well, I 243 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 1: like them, they like me. Let's just make it work. 244 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,439 Speaker 1: Two months in, three months, in, maybe even two years in. 245 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:21,120 Speaker 1: Sometimes you say, now I need to set this boundary. 246 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,400 Speaker 1: Now that we know each other better, you now set 247 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,879 Speaker 1: that boundary, and that person goes, well, why didn't you 248 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 1: send this boundary before? I've never heard this before. I 249 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,159 Speaker 1: didn't realize that was important to you. We make it 250 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 1: out like they're attacking us, so we're defending ourselves. No, 251 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,399 Speaker 1: this one I'm afraid of. No, I don't want it 252 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:37,960 Speaker 1: to be like this. No, I don't no, no, No. 253 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,840 Speaker 1: It's not saying what you value. It's not saying what's 254 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,600 Speaker 1: important to you. I remember when Radi and I first 255 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,840 Speaker 1: started dating, she'd always say to me, it's really important 256 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:50,000 Speaker 1: to me that I'm present with my family on their birthdays, 257 00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:53,400 Speaker 1: on celebration days, on the weekends, like that's really really 258 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,520 Speaker 1: important to me. And I'd always say to it, it's 259 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:59,520 Speaker 1: really important to me that I'm doing my service. I'm 260 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:03,199 Speaker 1: out there spending time with people, sharing sharing wisdom. I 261 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:05,960 Speaker 1: wasn't saying to her, I'm scared that if I'm with you, 262 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,400 Speaker 1: I won't get to do that, and she wasn't saying 263 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 1: to you, I'm scared if you're doing that, then I 264 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,080 Speaker 1: won't get to do this. If someone respects you, your 265 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:19,159 Speaker 1: boundaries will bring them closer. If someone doesn't respect you, you, 266 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:23,600 Speaker 1: setting a boundary will push them away. Setting a boundary 267 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 1: is a great way to know whether someone truly loves 268 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,960 Speaker 1: you and respects you, or whether they don't here's what 269 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:35,040 Speaker 1: I want you to remember. Manifesting love doesn't mean lowering 270 00:18:35,119 --> 00:18:40,800 Speaker 1: standards to avoid loneliness. It means raising self respect so 271 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,520 Speaker 1: you don't have to chase. I think when we think 272 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:47,560 Speaker 1: about standards and boundaries, we start proclaiming them as no, 273 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,719 Speaker 1: I won't accept less than this. No, this is what 274 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:52,439 Speaker 1: I deserve. That's fine for you to feel that, but 275 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:58,040 Speaker 1: the way you communicate that to someone has to be receivable, digestible, understandable. 276 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:03,040 Speaker 1: Sharing something is your value, as your priority, as something 277 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:07,320 Speaker 1: that is important to you, is far more valuable than 278 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,320 Speaker 1: sharing it in a way that makes someone feel that 279 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:14,440 Speaker 1: they have to value it. This is the key. When 280 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,360 Speaker 1: you share your value, it's not so that the other 281 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:22,080 Speaker 1: person can value it to the same degree. It's so 282 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,680 Speaker 1: that they can respect your value and you can continue 283 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,119 Speaker 1: to prioritize it. Your goal in a relationship is not 284 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:33,120 Speaker 1: to convince your partner to value what you value. It's 285 00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:36,679 Speaker 1: to respect what they value and let them respect what 286 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:40,639 Speaker 1: you value and continue to have a healthy relationship. Trying 287 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,919 Speaker 1: to convince our partners to have different values, different focuses, 288 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,800 Speaker 1: different priorities is a waste of time, and I think 289 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,200 Speaker 1: one of the biggest reasons why we struggle to manifest 290 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,560 Speaker 1: love is we look at people like a project. We 291 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,840 Speaker 1: want to find someone that we can fix, solve, improve, upgrade. 292 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 1: That isn't love. That's called work, and love and work 293 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:07,119 Speaker 1: are not aligned. You can't manifest love when what you 294 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,000 Speaker 1: actually were looking for was a project, someone who dependent 295 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,640 Speaker 1: on you, someone who made you feel worthy, someone who 296 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:16,080 Speaker 1: made you feel significant because they were so lacking. Only 297 00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:18,679 Speaker 1: for you months in to realize you're putting in all 298 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,960 Speaker 1: the energy and the effort. Let me leave you with 299 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:26,720 Speaker 1: something simple. If you want to manifest romantic love this year, 300 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:33,280 Speaker 1: focus on four things. Number one, regulate your nervous system. 301 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,880 Speaker 1: There are subconscious parts of ourselves that are attracting us 302 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:42,240 Speaker 1: and connecting us with other people's subconscious These are usually 303 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 1: the things you only see when you break up with someone. 304 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,920 Speaker 1: They're usually the things that you only notice when things 305 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,199 Speaker 1: finally end. If you think about all your relationships that 306 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,879 Speaker 1: didn't work out and go back to the moment you 307 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,119 Speaker 1: connected and think about what state you were actually in 308 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,840 Speaker 1: at that time, you'll immediately be able to know that 309 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,640 Speaker 1: you weren't ready for a relationship. It wasn't the right 310 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,840 Speaker 1: relationship you were looking for. The wrong things. You weren't 311 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:10,119 Speaker 1: focused and aligned in your nervous system. It didn't feel regulated. 312 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,159 Speaker 1: And what ends up happening in that position is we 313 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,720 Speaker 1: often want the other person to regulate our emotions, to 314 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:19,439 Speaker 1: regulate our nervous system for us, which exhausts them. So 315 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,240 Speaker 1: even if they are the right person, we push them 316 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,600 Speaker 1: away because we're asking them to do all of our work. 317 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:30,240 Speaker 1: Number two, align your identity with the relationship you want. 318 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:34,360 Speaker 1: The stories you tell about your past relationships, the stories 319 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,879 Speaker 1: you tell about yourself, the stories you tell about your ex, 320 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,080 Speaker 1: and the stories you tell about your dating life are 321 00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:45,800 Speaker 1: not just stories. They your identity. If you believe you're 322 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:50,200 Speaker 1: unlucky in love, you will find more people to prove 323 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,680 Speaker 1: that is true. If you feel you don't deserve love, 324 00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:58,840 Speaker 1: you will find more dates to prove that is true. 325 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,359 Speaker 1: You are going to prove the story you tell the 326 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:06,560 Speaker 1: most true, So change the story to what you want 327 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:11,120 Speaker 1: to be true. Your identity and the relationship you want 328 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:16,160 Speaker 1: should be aligned. Number three, Create environments where love can 329 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:20,320 Speaker 1: find you. Places of similar values, places of mutual friends, 330 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:24,439 Speaker 1: places that you go often. Don't keep thinking that love's 331 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:28,840 Speaker 1: going to magically appear. In the romantic movie way in 332 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:32,760 Speaker 1: the randomnest of places, that's less likely to happen. And 333 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,040 Speaker 1: the more you wait for that, the more you could 334 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,600 Speaker 1: be missing out on someone who's ideal for you where 335 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,679 Speaker 1: you least expect it, because it's where you visit the most. 336 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:47,040 Speaker 1: And number four, choose safety as intentionally as chemistry. Someone 337 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:51,679 Speaker 1: who makes you feel safe is more important than someone 338 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:55,280 Speaker 1: who makes you feel wanted. Someone who makes you feel 339 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:59,960 Speaker 1: safe is more important than someone who makes you feel pursued. 340 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:05,680 Speaker 1: Someone who makes you feel safe is more important than 341 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:11,840 Speaker 1: chemistry or butterflies or any of those initial experiences because 342 00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:13,720 Speaker 1: you want to feel safe for the rest of your life. 343 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,159 Speaker 1: You want to be at peace. That's what will last. 344 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:21,840 Speaker 1: And finally, love doesn't arrive when you think about it enough. 345 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:26,080 Speaker 1: It arrives when your life makes room for it. To 346 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 1: find love, you don't need to become perfect, you need 347 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:34,000 Speaker 1: to become present because the love you're looking for is 348 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:38,480 Speaker 1: also looking for someone who's ready. Thank you so much 349 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,280 Speaker 1: for listening to this episode. If you know someone who's 350 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:45,280 Speaker 1: struggling to find love, who's figuring out heartbreak, who's dating 351 00:23:45,359 --> 00:23:48,280 Speaker 1: right now, send this episode to them because I truly 352 00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:51,480 Speaker 1: believe it can help them. Understand what to really focus 353 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:54,560 Speaker 1: on when there's so much noise out there and distracting 354 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:57,639 Speaker 1: us away from what really makes a difference. It's not 355 00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,960 Speaker 1: about a vision board, it's not about an ideal live 356 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,719 Speaker 1: It's all about the topics that I've talked about today, 357 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,040 Speaker 1: past this on. Thank you so much for listening, and 358 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:08,760 Speaker 1: I'll see you here again. Remember I'm forever in your 359 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:12,000 Speaker 1: corner and I'm always rooting for you. Hey, everyone, If 360 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:15,280 Speaker 1: you love that conversation, go and check out my episode 361 00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:19,520 Speaker 1: with the world's leading therapist, Lorie Gottlieb, where she answers 362 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:23,159 Speaker 1: the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it 363 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:27,800 Speaker 1: comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying 364 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,400 Speaker 1: to figure out that space right now, you won't want 365 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,960 Speaker 1: to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. 366 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:39,000 Speaker 1: It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. 367 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:43,000 Speaker 1: Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.