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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. I am the host,

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Speaker 1: and today you are listening to couch Talks, which is

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Speaker 1: the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I

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Speaker 1: Kat answer questions that you, guys the listeners, send to

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Speaker 1: me and you can send those to Katherine at you

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com. And just know that anytime

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Speaker 1: I read your questions, or answer questions, or do anything

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Speaker 1: with the emails that you send, they are always anonymous,

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Speaker 1: so I won't ever read your name or say where

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Speaker 1: you're from. So you can really send something in and

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Speaker 1: feel safe doing so unless you put some personal information

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Speaker 1: in there that just gives you away. I can't help that,

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Speaker 1: but you can't, so be careful with what you actually

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Speaker 1: send to me. Even though on these episodes I answer

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Speaker 1: your questions, I still like to say up top that

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Speaker 1: this podcast does not serve as a replacement or a

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Speaker 1: substitute for any actual mental health services. However, we always

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Speaker 1: hope that it can help in some way, somehow, at

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Speaker 1: some point in your life. Now that I got through

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Speaker 1: saying all that, I now I'm going to tell you

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Speaker 1: we're not going to answer a question that a listener

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Speaker 1: sends in today or read an email because it is

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Speaker 1: a special special episode. So it's a special episode of

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Speaker 1: the Bonus Episode. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that can be

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Speaker 1: a very fun, exciting holiday, and it can also be

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Speaker 1: a day that brings a lot of grief, fear, feelings

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Speaker 1: that are uncomfortable and you know, depending on your family,

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Speaker 1: a lot of drama and chaos. So I thought today

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Speaker 1: I would just share five things that I would want

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Speaker 1: you guys to remember on Thanksgiving. And I also want

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Speaker 1: to stay up top that I know this holiday can

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Speaker 1: be really hard for a lot of people because there's

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Speaker 1: some loneliness or some grief about who is now here

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Speaker 1: or who has not been here for a while that

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Speaker 1: you wish was there. Maybe some feelings about your relationship

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Speaker 1: status are coming up. And that is this double edged

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Speaker 1: sword with the holidays in general, is there are a

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Speaker 1: time that we really really bolster family and we promote

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Speaker 1: family time, and that is such a special time. And

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Speaker 1: all these movies are about these relationships and this coziness,

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Speaker 1: these all this stuff comes that is very much centered

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Speaker 1: around family and relationships, and that is what the holidays

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Speaker 1: are supposed to be about. And Unfortunately, that's not what

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Speaker 1: the holidays are for a lot of people, and the

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Speaker 1: holidays might bring more of an awareness of the lack

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Speaker 1: of a relationship or the lack of the family that

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Speaker 1: you wish you had, or family members that have passed

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Speaker 1: and you just miss. So before I even get into

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Speaker 1: these five reminders, going a little bit off the grid

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Speaker 1: of what I plan to say is I just want

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Speaker 1: to offer some attention to those who just don't have

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Speaker 1: a good time around this time of year, and that

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Speaker 1: this time of year can be really hard and difficult

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Speaker 1: and triggering for those reasons. And I want to encourage

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Speaker 1: you that the holidays get to look however you need

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Speaker 1: them to look. So if you need a year of just,

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Speaker 1: you know, sitting in your feelings and sadness and maybe

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Speaker 1: just maybe even feeling sorry for yourself, sometimes there is

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Speaker 1: a point in time where that's necessary. Now we can't

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Speaker 1: stay there, but it can be necessary for certain periods

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Speaker 1: and of our lives or certain moments. But I also

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Speaker 1: want to encourage those who don't have the family system

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Speaker 1: or the relationship that they long for that gets brought

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Speaker 1: up and triggered in this time of year to create

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Speaker 1: something that is meaningful for you. So maybe you don't

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Speaker 1: have the traditional thing that we see in the Hallmark movies,

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Speaker 1: But what do you have and can you actually capitalize

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Speaker 1: and gravitate towards that. So maybe this isn't the norm

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Speaker 1: what Thanksgiving or any of the holidays around the season

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Speaker 1: look like in magazines or in books. But you get

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Speaker 1: to create something that still can be good. And just

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Speaker 1: because you don't have one thing, it doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: you get nothing. So really allow yourself when it feels appropriate,

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Speaker 1: to look at what is in front of you, as

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Speaker 1: well as grieving what is not. Now that I'm done rambling,

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Speaker 1: let's get into these five things that I would just

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Speaker 1: like to remind you guys. And we're going to start

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Speaker 1: with one of the most important things, and that is

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Speaker 1: you do not need to starve yourself in order to

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Speaker 1: earn a Thanksgiving meal. This is so important and I

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Speaker 1: just would like to preach from whatever mountaintop or rooftop

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Speaker 1: or earbud that I'm in, you do not need to

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Speaker 1: save up calories to eat food on Thanksgiving. You don't

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Speaker 1: need to create like a bank or just a big

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Speaker 1: bundle of unused calories so you can finally use them.

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Speaker 1: On this meal. Your body needs and wants nourishment on

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Speaker 1: Thanksgiving just like the other day, and it needs it

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Speaker 1: to function and for it to your body, it being

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Speaker 1: your body, for it to function at its best, it's

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Speaker 1: our job to feed it. We have to feed ourselves

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Speaker 1: for our bodies to function well. So us saving up

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Speaker 1: calories is also saving up what our body runs off of.

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Speaker 1: And that's just not very kind to be withholding something

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Speaker 1: from something that needs it to survive. And so really

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Speaker 1: look at what you're doing as kind actions and behaviors

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Speaker 1: and respectful actions and behaviors towards your body. When we

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Speaker 1: starve ourselves for a meal, we also end up a

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Speaker 1: lot of times either binging or overeating because we are

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Speaker 1: training ourselves not to listen to our hunger cues. And

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Speaker 1: then this food that we've been like saving up for

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Speaker 1: becomes this magical thing, and we really want, especially in

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Speaker 1: recovery from disorder eating and eating disorders, we want to

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Speaker 1: take the magical feeling away from food. So food just

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Speaker 1: gets to be food and we can enjoy it when

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Speaker 1: we want to enjoy it. We can eat it when

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Speaker 1: we need to eat it, and we can say, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm good when we're good. But when we refuse to

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Speaker 1: let ourselves engage in normal actions like eating normal meals,

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Speaker 1: food does become magical. And then that food you're saving

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Speaker 1: up for becomes extra magical. And so we get this

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Speaker 1: idea that we can't get enough and we have to

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Speaker 1: keep going, or we feel really weird about eating it

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Speaker 1: because we've had to do so much to deserve it.

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Speaker 1: It's like, oh, but that means it is bad, so

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Speaker 1: should I be eating it? So all of us to say,

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Speaker 1: I know this is a much more delicate and in

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Speaker 1: depth topic than I'm making it right here, but I

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Speaker 1: just want people to know and to remind themselves that

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Speaker 1: you get to eat three meals like any other day

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Speaker 1: on Thanksgiving. You don't have to save up, you don't

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Speaker 1: have to do an extra workout. You get to just

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Speaker 1: be yourself and show up and enjoy the food that

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Speaker 1: you enjoy and allow yourself to feel fulfilled by the food.

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Speaker 1: The community, the cooking, the baking, all of that. It's

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Speaker 1: about having an experience with the people that you're with,

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Speaker 1: whether that's through food, through making the food, any of that.

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Speaker 1: So it's okay to eat the same amount of food

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Speaker 1: up until your Thanksgiving meal that you normally would eat,

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Speaker 1: especially if you are on the road to recovery, that's

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Speaker 1: really important because saving up for Thanksgiving meal can be

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Speaker 1: sliding back into some of those restrictive behaviors that can

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Speaker 1: feel very addicting, which is also a PSA. If you

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Speaker 1: don't struggle with this, know that you have no idea

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Speaker 1: if the people around you do. Kind of getting ahead myself,

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Speaker 1: but if you find yourself making comments about how you

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Speaker 1: ate too much, you shouldn't eat this, or you had

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Speaker 1: to do an extra workout, or you've saved up all

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Speaker 1: day so you can enjoy yourself. If you don't struggle

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Speaker 1: with an actual eating disort, or you don't I mean

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Speaker 1: that would be disordered eating. But if that's not like

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Speaker 1: a real present thing that you're aware of in your life,

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Speaker 1: just recognize that you are not able to see that

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Speaker 1: in somebody else. Sometimes you can kind of tell, but

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Speaker 1: a lot of times you have no idea, and those

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Speaker 1: comments can be really difficult for somebody who is actively

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Speaker 1: trying to recover from anything disorder to hear, because these

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Speaker 1: days can be very just hard and scary, and so

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Speaker 1: if it's not for you, just be mindful of the

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Speaker 1: people that might be around you. Okay, now number two,

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Speaker 1: just because someone says something to you, it doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: you have to accept it. And this is less about

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Speaker 1: food and more about just comments. You know, families have

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Speaker 1: a lot of different dynamics in them, and maybe you

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Speaker 1: have a couple families at your Thanksgiving meal and they

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Speaker 1: can have different opinions, thought processes, politics, all the things,

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Speaker 1: all of the you know, the normal things that get

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Speaker 1: brought up at the dinner table when you like really

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Speaker 1: don't want them to get brought of. I just want

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Speaker 1: you to know that just because somebody says somebody, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you have to accept. That doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: you have to take it on. It doesn't mean it

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Speaker 1: has to be true. And this is one of my

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Speaker 1: favorite reminders. And there was this one time, this has

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Speaker 1: nothing to do with the holidays, but there was this

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Speaker 1: one time that a person that I used to work

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Speaker 1: with at like a secondary job, not in my therapy

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Speaker 1: space spaces, sent me these text messages and they were

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Speaker 1: very snarky, very like kind of heated text messages that

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Speaker 1: actually had nothing to do with me, but were being

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Speaker 1: put towards me. And I could have argued with her,

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Speaker 1: I could have snapped back at her. I could have

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Speaker 1: said a lot of things. She had been pretty rude,

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Speaker 1: and I just had this clarity moment of this is

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Speaker 1: not mine. This energy is not my energy, and I

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Speaker 1: don't have to do anything with this energy. And so

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Speaker 1: I just texted her back and said, I'm sensing you're

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Speaker 1: really angry right now, and I'm actually gonna let you

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Speaker 1: keep that anger because this has nothing to do with me.

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Speaker 1: And you get to do that too at your family functions.

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Speaker 1: Someone's bad attitude or behavior does not have to roll

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Speaker 1: into you and onto you and seep into your soul.

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Speaker 1: Who do you want to show up as at these events,

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Speaker 1: in these places, at these dinners, be that person. We

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Speaker 1: have the ability to function independently outside of other people's emotions.

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Speaker 1: We don't have to take those on or take them

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Speaker 1: from them. Somebody can't force us to feel something or

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Speaker 1: force us to believe something. And if someone makes a

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Speaker 1: comment that doesn't sit well with you, you don't have

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Speaker 1: to take it on as truth. That doesn't have to

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Speaker 1: be true for you. You can kindly say I don't really

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Speaker 1: agree with what you just said, or you know, that's

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Speaker 1: not something that I'm wanting to discuss right now. I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna got a glass of water. Do you want one?

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Speaker 1: Or you know I can tell we are not seeing

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Speaker 1: eye to eye on this issue. I'm okay with us,

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Speaker 1: not a grain, But you appear to be a little heated.

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Speaker 1: So would you like to take a second and let

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Speaker 1: this kind of cool down and we can change the subject.

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Speaker 1: Or do you want to play a game or do

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Speaker 1: something that's a little bit more fun. You get to

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Speaker 1: move away from those things. You don't have to walk

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Speaker 1: into the dark cave of conflict, dysfunctional conflict, because you know,

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Speaker 1: I do like some healthy conflict. Okay. Number three another

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Speaker 1: body image minded one. If your stomach looks like you

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Speaker 1: ate after you ate, it's probably because you ate, not

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Speaker 1: because you ate too much, not because you ate the

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Speaker 1: wrong thing, not because you did something bad, not because

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Speaker 1: there's something wrong with your body, not because your body

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Speaker 1: has magically transformed in the last thirty minutes. It's going

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Speaker 1: to stay that way permanently because you ate food. Be

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Speaker 1: kind to your body on these days. This is especially

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Speaker 1: especially important. Your stomach not supposed to look and feel

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Speaker 1: empty when you nourish your body. It's okay to feel full.

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Speaker 1: That is a sensation that allows us to say, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I did a good job. I fed myself. It is

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Speaker 1: not a experience that or a sensation that shows up

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Speaker 1: for you to then get mad at yourself or punish yourself.

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Speaker 1: That is a response that we luckily get to feel,

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Speaker 1: so we know when our body is satisfied and that's

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Speaker 1: not a bad thing. And the other thing is food

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Speaker 1: is also allowed to be enjoyed for the sake of enjoyment.

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Speaker 1: And if you're struggling with body image, I don't want you, guys,

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Speaker 1: to force yourself to make this day harder than it

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Speaker 1: already has to be. Where's something you feel good in

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Speaker 1: and won't be tempted to body check all day. Where's

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Speaker 1: something that you can feel relaxed and your family and

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Speaker 1: friends want to be with you, not your ideal body.

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Speaker 1: So what do you need in order to show up

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Speaker 1: with your whole self and not a distracted version of

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Speaker 1: that that's going to be wondering what your stomach looks

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Speaker 1: like after any bit of food goes into your body,

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Speaker 1: because if your body changes the way it looks after

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Speaker 1: you eat one I just want to remind everybody, most

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Speaker 1: of the time, we are the ones or the only

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Speaker 1: ones really noticing what our bodies look like after we eat.

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Speaker 1: Nobody else is over there, just like watching to see

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Speaker 1: if something happens. That's usually not the case. We become

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Speaker 1: very hyperfixated ourselves. We're very ecocentric people humans are. We

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Speaker 1: are more concerned with ourselves and how we look than

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Speaker 1: other people. And so just know that if it feels

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Speaker 1: like everybody's staring at you, and granted, I know sometimes

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Speaker 1: people do make comments, and I do know that's those

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Speaker 1: family members and there's those people that do actually stare

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Speaker 1: at you, But if it feels that way, you get

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Speaker 1: to take a break, which we'll get to. And also

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Speaker 1: if it feels that way and that's really not true,

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Speaker 1: we get to remind ourselves I'm having this experience, not

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Speaker 1: everybody in the room is not inside my body having

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Speaker 1: this experience, and so maybe I need to take a break,

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Speaker 1: kind of settle down so I can go back in

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Speaker 1: to the room and enjoy myself and be present versus

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Speaker 1: distracted about what my body is doing and how it's

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Speaker 1: morphing into something that it's probably not morphing into right now,

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Speaker 1: which leads me to number four. If you get overwhelmed,

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Speaker 1: you can ask for what you need. This is a

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Speaker 1: huge one but also very very simple, because what you

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Speaker 1: may need might be something from yourself. It might be

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Speaker 1: a break, some fresh air, some cold water. It's okay

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Speaker 1: to get up and excuse yourself when you feel overwhelmed,

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Speaker 1: or when you feel that overwhelm is coming. I have

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Speaker 1: a feeling most of you out there wouldn't hold it

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Speaker 1: in for hours if you had to pee, right, So

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Speaker 1: if your mind or your nervous system needs a little pitstop,

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Speaker 1: it's okay to give yourself that also. And I feel

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Speaker 1: right here is where I want to offer permission and

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Speaker 1: to not go somewhere that you don't feel safe and

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Speaker 1: that does not offer you the ability to give yourself

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Speaker 1: a break. If that's not an option, that means the

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Speaker 1: space you're in might be not a great space for you,

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Speaker 1: or maybe challenge that is it that you think you

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Speaker 1: can't take a break and you think you can't get up,

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Speaker 1: or you think you can't go get fresh air, or

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Speaker 1: you really can't. There can be a difference in those

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Speaker 1: two things. So as adults, we get to make decisions

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Speaker 1: that are right for us. We get to be the

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Speaker 1: ones in charge now. So if that means I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to this person's house or that person's house. I

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Speaker 1: get to make that decision to take care of myself well,

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Speaker 1: because maybe I didn't get to do that when I

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Speaker 1: was younger. I just had to go places and they

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Speaker 1: weren't safe. And I don't want to reinforce that same

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Speaker 1: feeling that didn't feel very good as a kid. I

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Speaker 1: want to give myself permission to actually take care of

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Speaker 1: my needs. So even if somebody does not like your

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Speaker 1: decision to not go somewhere, you get to make that

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Speaker 1: decision for you and it gets to be a good thing.

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Speaker 1: And then the last thing I would like to remind

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Speaker 1: all of us, which I touched on a little bit

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Speaker 1: in the beginning, is that your mother in law, your sister,

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Speaker 1: your cousin, your uncle, your grandpa, your grandma, your neighbor,

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Speaker 1: your best friend from third grade who makes the comments

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Speaker 1: about food, body, exercise, etc. All of those things. Those

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Speaker 1: comments they make are most likely not about you. They're

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Speaker 1: probably about themselves. The oh, are you gonna eat all

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Speaker 1: of that? Or maybe you should wait till dinner after

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Speaker 1: we eat before you snack on that. You're gonna spoil

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Speaker 1: your dinner. You're gonna spoil your meal, or oh, I

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Speaker 1: just don't understand how you just eat all that drunk,

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Speaker 1: Or oh I could not have another bite? No I can't.

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Speaker 1: Oh no, I can't even imagine having dessert. No, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I don't see how anybody can eat anything after we

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Speaker 1: had that big meal. All of those comments, and I

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Speaker 1: could go on forever, and I'm sure I've made a

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Speaker 1: comment like that before in my past. I know that

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Speaker 1: I've heard a lot of them, and they have really

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Speaker 1: impacted the ability that I gave myself to enjoy the

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Speaker 1: food and the space I was in. But what I've

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Speaker 1: learned is those comments come from somebody's belief system about themselves,

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Speaker 1: and they might feel very targeted. They might, and they

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Speaker 1: might actually be directed at you. However, when it really

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Speaker 1: comes down to it, those comments are about how they

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Speaker 1: feel about their body, how they feel about they can

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Speaker 1: enjoy food, how they It's a belief system in their

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Speaker 1: brain that really has little to do with if what

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Speaker 1: you're doing is right, wrong, okay, good or bad. So

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Speaker 1: if you don't adhere to those beliefs or opinions, you

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Speaker 1: don't have to take them on. Just like I said earlier,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to accept something just because somebody said it,

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Speaker 1: because maybe you are feeling a little fool, but you

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Speaker 1: do want some dessert because your grandma made your favorite

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Speaker 1: whatever kind of pie, chest pie, pumpkin pie, Both of

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Speaker 1: those pies I do not like. I don't know why

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Speaker 1: those are the ones that came to mind. Maybe your

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Speaker 1: grandma made you your favorite apple pie, and there's some

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Speaker 1: ice cream and that's one of your favorite desserts. And yeah,

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Speaker 1: you're a little fool. You've eaten a little bit more

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Speaker 1: than you usually would on an average day. But that's

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Speaker 1: okay because I want to enjoy this food that my

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Speaker 1: grandmother made. That's a memory, that's an experience, that's something

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Speaker 1: that we get to allow ourselves to do. We get

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Speaker 1: to look back and say, I'm so grateful I got

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Speaker 1: to eat grandma's apple pie. That might have been the

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Speaker 1: last time that she ever made that, you know, something

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Speaker 1: like that, So remind yourself. Those comments usually could come

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Speaker 1: up when somebody's trying to regulate themselves, not regulate you,

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Speaker 1: even if it doesn't feel like that in the moment.

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Speaker 1: All right, So that is going to do it for today.

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys have the thanksgiving you need to

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Speaker 1: have I know. Oh, these holidays, like I said in

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Speaker 1: the beginning, can be bursting with so much fun and

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Speaker 1: joy and excitement. They also can be very lonely and

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Speaker 1: can contain a lot of grief. They also can have

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Speaker 1: both at the same time. And so take what you need,

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Speaker 1: leave what you don't have the Thanksgiving you need to have.

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Speaker 1: If you need to contact me with any questions, feedback,

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Speaker 1: any of the things, you can email me Catherine at

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy Podcast. You can follow me at Kat

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Speaker 1: dot Defada on Instagram and at you Need Therapy Podcast

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Speaker 1: on Instagram. And I will be back with you guys

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Speaker 1: on Monday