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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast.

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Speaker 2: My name is Kat. I am the host.

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Speaker 1: If you are new and unfamiliar with what couch Talks is,

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Speaker 1: it is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: Podcast where I answer questions that listeners send to me

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Speaker 1: at Katherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com and

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Speaker 1: along with all the other episodes. Quick reminder that although

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Speaker 1: I am answering your questions here, this podcast still does

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Speaker 1: not serve as a replacement or substitute for any actual

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Speaker 1: mental health services. Now, each week on couch Talks, I

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Speaker 1: answer usually one question that you guys sent to me,

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Speaker 1: and I always keep them anonymous so you can feel

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Speaker 1: safe set it in your question, and the only thing

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Speaker 1: I will share is what you share in the actual

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Speaker 1: bulk of the email, the body of the email. So

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Speaker 1: all of the stuff that you want to remain anonymous

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Speaker 1: or private gets to remain anonymous private. Unless you share

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Speaker 1: something that you don't mean to read, then just say hey,

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Speaker 1: skip this part when you read it. Now, today's email

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Speaker 1: is a little longer, so I'm going to get right

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Speaker 1: into the question. We're doing it og episode today, So

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Speaker 1: we are going to do one question. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: read this email and then talk about some things that

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Speaker 1: might be helpful based on what this listener is asking.

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Speaker 2: So here it is.

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Speaker 1: Hey, Kat, I've been listening to your podcast since the

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Speaker 1: very beginning. You challenge me to look at situations from

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Speaker 1: a different perspective, which usually gives me better clarity. This

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Speaker 1: is me, but shout out listening from the very beginning.

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Speaker 1: That's what since the end of twenty nineteen. Thank you

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Speaker 1: for being on this journey with me. Back to her email,

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Speaker 1: I'm hoping you could help me look at a very

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Speaker 1: personal situation differently time spent with my mother in law.

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Speaker 1: I will try to be as transparent as can be.

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Speaker 1: I love my mother in law and she is one

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Speaker 1: of the most caring, generous, and thoughtful people I have

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Speaker 1: ever known who could want more right. She has also

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Speaker 1: very outspoken to a point where or she does not

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Speaker 1: have a filter and will air your entire personal life

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Speaker 1: to anyone she meets. She does not do this to

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Speaker 1: cause harm. She's just trying to connect with others and

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Speaker 1: share stories. From the beginning of my husband and I

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Speaker 1: his relationship, I have felt that I have needed to

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Speaker 1: limit the time I spent with her, because I knew

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Speaker 1: that all the questions she would ask me would then

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Speaker 1: get aired to a bunch of people that I don't

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Speaker 1: know personally but do know of me. I get triggered

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Speaker 1: and shut down frequently during conversation. Before having our baby,

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Speaker 1: my husband and I would visit his parents two to

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Speaker 1: three times a month for lunch or walks in the park.

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Speaker 1: My husband would see them more frequently throughout the month

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Speaker 1: since they lived one mile from our house. Last year,

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Speaker 1: she suddenly lost her husband my father in law, so

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Speaker 1: that has added a new dynamic to our relationship. Although

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Speaker 1: my husband has two older brothers, he feels like he

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Speaker 1: must take the lead and takes care of her the most.

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Speaker 1: This includes managing her household, from negotiating her cable bill

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Speaker 1: to driving her to the store when it's raining. She

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Speaker 1: very openly expresses how she does not wish to be

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Speaker 1: here any longer and wants to go home to her husband, mother,

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Speaker 1: and Jesus. She is a very healthy seventy four year

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Speaker 1: old who is active and takes great care of herself,

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Speaker 1: so it's very hard to hear her say this during

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Speaker 1: each visit, and we don't know how to respond to

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Speaker 1: it anymore. We make sure we spend at least one

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Speaker 1: day a week with her so she can see and

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Speaker 1: play with our daughter. Plus, my husband will visit her

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Speaker 1: several extra times throughout the week, usually in the evenings,

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Speaker 1: why I put our toddler to bed and clean up

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Speaker 1: the house. However, my husband does not think that this

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Speaker 1: is enough and is becoming resentful towards me because I

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Speaker 1: have had a hard time spending more than one day

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Speaker 1: a week with her given how hard it is to

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Speaker 1: keep a positive conversation going with her. Plus, we both

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Speaker 1: have full time careers, so time spent at home is

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Speaker 1: extremely limited. My question to you is this, Yes, how

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Speaker 1: can I change my perspective on the amount of time

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Speaker 1: spent with my mother in law? I've been actively trying

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Speaker 1: to ignore any comments that would trigger me to shut

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Speaker 1: me down because I know it's important for us to

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Speaker 1: spend quality time together. Am I wrong for only wanting

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Speaker 1: to spend one day a week with her given that

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Speaker 1: I have such a limited time at home as it is.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for taking the time to read

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Speaker 1: my story. I can't wait to hear what's next on

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Speaker 1: the podcast. Okay, so my first thought reading this is

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Speaker 1: one mile from your mother in law's house.

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Speaker 2: That is cool and hard.

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Speaker 1: I think that depending on your relationship, anybody you're reading

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Speaker 1: that they're going to have a different experience what.

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Speaker 2: That might feel like.

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Speaker 1: And I also think your parents versus in laws can

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Speaker 1: feel different, depending again on what those relationships are like.

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Speaker 1: But that closeness to home, right, that distance sends sometimes

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Speaker 1: this unspoken expectation that you are available more because it

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Speaker 1: is convenient, right, You could just drive down the street,

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Speaker 1: walk down the street to see her, So there's this

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Speaker 1: expectation that you'll be there more often. But that does

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Speaker 1: not mean that you have more time to spend right,

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Speaker 1: or that you have more ability or whatever it is,

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Speaker 1: compared to anybody else or anybody else in the family.

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Speaker 1: So just do think that's an interesting dynamic that is

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Speaker 1: probably playing a role here because of the convenience factor,

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Speaker 1: but just because the location is convenient, I think that

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Speaker 1: we still need to leave space for the fact that

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Speaker 1: it might not be manageable. Now you ask if it's wrong, right,

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Speaker 1: at least make sure I get exactly what you were saying.

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Speaker 1: You said, Am I wrong for only wanting to spend

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Speaker 1: one day a week with her? So one thing I

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Speaker 1: cannot do is tell you if that's right or wrong.

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Speaker 1: I don't think there is a right or wrong, and

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Speaker 1: I think that in different times, based on different life circumstances,

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Speaker 1: there is going to be a different answer there. I

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Speaker 1: think what we really have to look at is what

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Speaker 1: is it that you want to do? And maybe there's

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Speaker 1: like a want to want, but what is it that

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Speaker 1: you want to do? Do you want to be able

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Speaker 1: to show up more often? Is it important for you

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Speaker 1: to be able to show up more often? Is it

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Speaker 1: important for your family? Maybe it's something that you could

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Speaker 1: do without, but it's important to your husband and that

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Speaker 1: strengthens y'all's relationship, Or it's important to your daughter who

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Speaker 1: might have a good relationship and really love seeing her grandma.

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Speaker 1: And so you facilitate those experiences, maybe not for yourself

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Speaker 1: because you get a lot out of it, but because

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Speaker 1: your relationships outside of you and your mother in law

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Speaker 1: get a lot out of it, and your own, you know,

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Speaker 1: little family of origin, you, your husband, and your daughter

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Speaker 1: indirectly you get something out of, you know, facilitating more

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Speaker 1: of that time together. So that's not me saying it's

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Speaker 1: right or wrong. I think that that's something you have

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Speaker 1: to look at. I don't think that there's a way

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Speaker 1: to be right or wrong around how you feel right.

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Speaker 1: This sounds like it's something that's it's tough, it's hard,

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Speaker 1: you don't always look forward to it. It drains you

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Speaker 1: and soar certain ways. Maybe it bums you out in

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Speaker 1: certain ways. It's painful in certain ways. And so your

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Speaker 1: experience is going to be different than your husband's. I

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Speaker 1: think that's important to take note of. That's his mom, right,

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Speaker 1: and while you can understand it doesn't mean that you're

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Speaker 1: going to have the same exact feelings and vice versa.

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Speaker 1: So you're asking how do you change your perspective. You're

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Speaker 1: asking for another way to look at the time spent

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Speaker 1: with your mother in law. And I'm partly curious as

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Speaker 1: to what the expectation is around the amount of time

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Speaker 1: that you already spend with her, and then the amount

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Speaker 1: of time that would be more ideal in the eyes

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Speaker 1: of your husband or even.

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Speaker 2: Her or even you. What does that look like? I

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Speaker 2: have no idea.

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Speaker 1: Does that mean that when you spend time with her

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Speaker 1: you said before your father in law passed away, it

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Speaker 1: was it was lunch or a walk, and is that

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Speaker 1: still what that expectation is or is time spent with her?

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Speaker 1: Is that a whole entire evening? Is that just a meal?

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Speaker 2: Is it a walk?

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Speaker 1: Is it stopping by on your way somewhere? Like?

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Speaker 2: What is the expectation there?

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Speaker 1: Does you dropping something off on your way home from

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Speaker 1: work count as spending time with her or does it

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Speaker 1: need to be actually sitting around a table having conversation

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Speaker 1: about the day or what have you. And one of

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Speaker 1: the reasons I'm curious about that it makes a difference.

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Speaker 1: But once a week, depending on again what that expectation is,

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Speaker 1: does sound like a good amount of time to spend

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Speaker 1: with one person who is not in your immediate family

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Speaker 1: of origin. So I'm just thinking about all of the

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Speaker 1: things you have to do in a week, right time

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Speaker 1: is weird Like once a week to somebody might not

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Speaker 1: sound like a lot of time, But when you think

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Speaker 1: about all of the things that have to happen in

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Speaker 1: a week, right, Like, you take care of your kids,

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Speaker 1: you have all of their appointments and play dates and

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Speaker 1: extracurriculars and schools and stuff like that.

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Speaker 2: Then you have your work.

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Speaker 1: Then you have if you go to the gym, your workout,

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Speaker 1: you have you know, the errands that you have to run,

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Speaker 1: you have the appointments that you have to fit in,

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Speaker 1: and you have the quality time with your husband, and

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Speaker 1: then the quality time with your friends and then quality

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Speaker 1: time with family.

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Speaker 2: It's you can't do everything every day. There's not enough.

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Speaker 1: There's not enough hours in the day. So I think

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Speaker 1: that that has a big part into it. Can we

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Speaker 1: get some clarity on what that expectation is that might

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Speaker 1: shift the way you view things? Right, If I'm just adding, Hey,

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Speaker 1: on Wednesdays, I'm gonna start stopping by your moms and

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Speaker 1: dropping off iced tea from Sonic and just say a

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Speaker 1: quick five minute hello on my way home, that feels

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Speaker 1: different than instead of having dinner twice a week with her,

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Speaker 1: we're going to have dinner three times a week with

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Speaker 1: her or once to two times. That feels different, And

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Speaker 1: I think that could play a role in kind of

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Speaker 1: changing our perspective.

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Speaker 2: What is the expectation.

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Speaker 1: Does it have to be this grand thing or am

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Speaker 1: I making it a bigger deal than it really has

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Speaker 1: to be.

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: So it's just stuff for you to get some clarity

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Speaker 1: on what I am hearing in this email is you

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Speaker 1: do want to find a way to be able to

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Speaker 1: spend more time with her. What I am hearing in

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Speaker 1: this email is you do want to find a way

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Speaker 1: to be able to spend more time with her, and

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Speaker 1: so how do you think about this time differently? So

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Speaker 1: then you maybe either can enjoy it, or you can

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Speaker 1: get yourself more inclined to agree to.

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Speaker 2: Do it, or maybe you want it to be your idea.

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Speaker 1: And as I'm thinking about this, I'm wondering, what if

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Speaker 1: it wasn't so much about changing your perspective on just

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Speaker 1: your mother in law, but you are opening up different

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Speaker 1: avenues of what times spent with her included and entailed.

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Speaker 1: Right if it usually is a walk or something where

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Speaker 1: you're engaged in conversation the entire time, Yeah, that does

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Speaker 1: seem like a lot when those conversations can be tough

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Speaker 1: and painful. And you know, if you're somebody who likes

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Speaker 1: to stay in the positive, I mean, even if you're not,

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Speaker 1: it's hard to hear that somebody doesn't want to be around,

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Speaker 1: especially when you're like, wait a second, I'm here spending

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Speaker 1: time with you. That can feel kind of like, oh wait,

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Speaker 1: that kind of feels like a backhanded comment that you

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Speaker 1: don't want to be here. I know this isn't about me,

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Speaker 1: but it can sometimes feel like are we not important

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Speaker 1: to you? And that can be hard to hear over

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Speaker 1: and over and over again. And so if you change

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Speaker 1: the idea of what that time includes, right, instead of

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Speaker 1: just doing things that would then encourage these intense conversations

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Speaker 1: or constant conversation, you do things that are more catered

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Speaker 1: around the kids, or doing an activity with the kids,

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Speaker 1: or watching the kids do something. Maybe you start a

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Speaker 1: tradition of playing a card game or even a board

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Speaker 1: game that involves some concentration and so there's conversation, but

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Speaker 1: it's not the same type of conversation. And also it's

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Speaker 1: bringing in this idea of fun and this opportunity for

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Speaker 1: a different kind of fun that you don't have to

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Speaker 1: be the one that's like magician ing, right. I don't

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Speaker 1: have to keep the conversation up beat. I don't have

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Speaker 1: to you know, navigate this conversation. I just get to

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Speaker 1: play this game, and the game kind of facilitates the

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Speaker 1: enjoyment that we're having. And so what if these visits

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Speaker 1: included more activities, maybe even just watching movies or you

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Speaker 1: pick a show that you watch with her once a week.

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Speaker 1: And you come over and you know, maybe you bring

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Speaker 1: dessert or popcorn or again like a nice tea once

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Speaker 1: a week and you sit down and you watch Gray's

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Speaker 1: Anatomy once a week until you get through that. And

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Speaker 1: that can be bonding over this thing and give you

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Speaker 1: a whole other thing to talk about without having to

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Speaker 1: be this conversation about our day to days. And so

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Speaker 1: you're creating experiences that maybe.

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Speaker 2: You actually want to have.

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Speaker 1: And with all of this, I also want you to

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Speaker 1: honor and pay attention to the time and energy you

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Speaker 1: need to be able to do these things right, going

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Speaker 1: back to there's only so many hours in a day

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Speaker 1: and so many days in the week, and some weeks

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Speaker 1: you might see her once. In some weeks you might

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Speaker 1: see her twice. In some weeks you might see her

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Speaker 1: three times. And instead of creating this, okay, instead of

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Speaker 1: going once a week, now we are going to we're

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Speaker 1: going to do twice a week. Instead of creating that

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Speaker 1: new expectation that might even sometimes feel like like a

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Speaker 1: chore and might kind of sound daunting and amping it

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Speaker 1: up in that way, you invite the ability to have

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Speaker 1: a variety. Right, I'm going to start engaging in a

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Speaker 1: variety of different frequencies of spending time with my mother

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Speaker 1: in law. So I don't have to check something off

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Speaker 1: of the calendar. I can check in with myself and

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Speaker 1: check in with what that day has to.

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Speaker 2: Offer and what I have to offer.

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Speaker 1: And based on that, I can choose to or choose

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Speaker 1: not to spend more time with her. And the last

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Speaker 1: thing that I'm just thinking about is I don't know

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Speaker 1: your mother in law.

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Speaker 2: Obviously I don't know.

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Speaker 1: You, but I wonder if although she presents in a

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Speaker 1: certain way, she appreciates and looks forward to your visits

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Speaker 1: more than you may realize. And I think if we

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Speaker 1: knew the impact we had on people, we would probably

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Speaker 1: show up for those people.

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Speaker 2: A lot more often than we do in general.

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Speaker 1: Right if we knew how meaningful some of these little

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Speaker 1: things that we don't realize that we even do sometimes,

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Speaker 1: if we realize those meant so much, we would do

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Speaker 1: them a lot more often.

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Speaker 2: And that oftentimes is.

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Speaker 1: The story that we don't actually know the impact we're

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Speaker 1: having on somebody, and sharing that impact, although it might

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Speaker 1: not feel like a big deal to you, it might

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Speaker 1: feel really scary and vulnerable and something that we're not

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Speaker 1: used to doing. To other people. And I'm just throwing

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Speaker 1: out there that the feedback you're getting from your mother

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Speaker 1: in law, it might be the reality right that she

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Speaker 1: doesn't want to be here anymore, and she doesn't really

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Speaker 1: care about y'all's visits and they don't help. And on

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Speaker 1: the other side, there might be something else totally going on,

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Speaker 1: and she's having a really hard time, as I would

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Speaker 1: imagine losing a.

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Speaker 2: Spouse would be.

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Speaker 1: And there's something really special about your visits that means

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Speaker 1: a lot to her. And I wonder if you could

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Speaker 1: just lean into that, you know, even if you never

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Speaker 1: will get that validation or that satisfaction, knowing that these

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Speaker 1: are important, would it change the way you maybe not

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Speaker 1: even showed up, but the way you felt about showing up.

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Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that you need to go see

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Speaker 1: her more. You don't need to go see her more.

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Speaker 1: That's only something I don't think need might not be

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Speaker 1: the right word in this whole scenario. But if you

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Speaker 1: choose to do that, if you could imagine that these

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Speaker 1: experiences in these times together meant a lot to her,

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Speaker 1: if you could create that story rather than I don't

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Speaker 1: know what the story that you do have in your

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Speaker 1: head is would that change the way you were able

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Speaker 1: to show up?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: I just say that because sometimes vulnerability is hard, especially

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Speaker 1: when we're grieving something, and gratitude is hard when we're

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Speaker 1: grieving something. Enjoy is hard when we're graving something. So

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Speaker 1: expressing and showing and being forthright with some of that

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Speaker 1: stuff might not be in the capabilities.

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Speaker 2: Of your mother in law right now.

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Speaker 1: I really don't know a lot of this is just

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm what is it called brainstorming, workshopping some

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Speaker 1: scenarios that could be happening, And I don't know if

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Speaker 1: that could be happening for you, but I do know

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Speaker 1: that happens. And so if that were true, if you

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Speaker 1: really were impactful and she did value your time, would

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Speaker 1: that change the way you were able to show up?

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Speaker 1: I mean, you can still use all those ideas, right,

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Speaker 1: like create more experiences and less conversational meetups. And also

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Speaker 1: I kind of love this idea of the like watching

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Speaker 1: the show together because it's this time sensitive thing, right,

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Speaker 1: So sometimes I mean the whole trick of when I

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Speaker 1: know I need to make a phone call, but I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be on the phone for four hours,

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Speaker 1: I make a phone call on the way to an appointment,

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Speaker 1: and so I have to jump off the phone at

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Speaker 1: some point, right. So it's the same kind of thing

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Speaker 1: where it allows you to create these just very static,

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Speaker 1: tangible boundaries where you don't have.

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Speaker 2: To do a lot of that legwork.

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Speaker 1: And also I can go into something knowing like, oh,

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Speaker 1: it's gonna be an hour, I'm gonna go we're gonna

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Speaker 1: watch the show and then I'm going to go home,

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Speaker 1: versus I'm going over there. I don't know how long

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go over there. I have no idea

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Speaker 1: what we're going to talk about. I have no idea

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Speaker 1: what we're going to do. It just changes the dynamic

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Speaker 1: a little bit of the experience of going into it.

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Speaker 2: So I hope some of that is helpful in any way.

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Speaker 1: If some of it is helpful, we would love to

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Speaker 1: hear and thank you for writing it and sharing part

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Speaker 1: of your story. I'm grateful with anybody who does that

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Speaker 1: because I know that talking about vulnerability. Some of that

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Speaker 1: sharing something you're struggling with with somebody that you don't

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Speaker 1: know is a big deal.

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Speaker 2: So thank you.

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Speaker 1: And if anybody has any feedback, questions, comments at all,

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Speaker 1: you can send those to Katherine at Unique Therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com if you would like to follow us on

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Speaker 1: Instagram at You Need Therapy podcast. And I have finally

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Speaker 1: changed my Instagram handle. If you have seen a name

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Speaker 1: on your feed lately that you don't recognize, it's because

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Speaker 1: I changed my Instagram handle finally to my new married

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Speaker 1: last name almost five months later.

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Speaker 2: That is crazy that was five months ago.

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Speaker 1: So you can follow me Atkat dot van Buren and

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Speaker 1: I will put that in the show notes so you

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Speaker 1: can see how that is spelled and how that looks.

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Speaker 1: And until next time, I hope you guys have the

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Speaker 1: day you need to have