1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:23,000 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,639 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:29,360 Speaker 2: the podcast. It is so great to have you here. 7 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:33,040 Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we break down the psychology 8 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:37,159 Speaker 2: of our twenties. Today's episode is cutting right to the 9 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:41,640 Speaker 2: heart of so much about fear and our doubt in 10 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:45,320 Speaker 2: our twenties. What if I regret the decisions I'm making 11 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 2: right now, or what if I regret the decisions I'm 12 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 2: not making. At the heart of I think every DM 13 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:57,520 Speaker 2: I get every discussion I have with you guys the listeners, 14 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 2: but with my friends on dating, on jobs, or money, moving, health, whatever, 15 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:05,120 Speaker 2: it is at the center of all that is a 16 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:05,959 Speaker 2: deep fear of regret. 17 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:07,959 Speaker 1: There is like. 18 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 2: This vision we sometimes have in our mind of us 19 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,600 Speaker 2: looking back in thirty years, looking back at this moment 20 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,480 Speaker 2: and thinking here it is like, this is the moment, 21 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:21,840 Speaker 2: this is the decision I can pinpoint for me for 22 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 2: when it all went wrong, no doubt about it. This 23 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,280 Speaker 2: fear of like is this the moment that I realize, 24 00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:32,400 Speaker 2: like I messed up in the future, that fear is 25 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:38,600 Speaker 2: so amplified in our twenties, almost counterintuitively, because we actually 26 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,200 Speaker 2: often have so many opportunities and so many doors open, 27 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,480 Speaker 2: and so little room for regret at this point, and 28 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:49,680 Speaker 2: so much future ahead of ourselves. But it's it's ironic, 29 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,520 Speaker 2: but it creates this constant pressure to not mess it 30 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 2: all up despite just being at the start. So in 31 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 2: this episode, I want to do a psychological deep dive 32 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:04,840 Speaker 2: into what actually drives regret, what people regret the most, 33 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,120 Speaker 2: how to manage it when it does show up, and 34 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:13,160 Speaker 2: why I actually think regret is one of the most 35 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:17,920 Speaker 2: motivating emotions we can actually access as we plan for 36 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 2: our futures. So, without further ado, let's get into the 37 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:30,359 Speaker 2: psychology of regret. When we talk about regret, what are 38 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,760 Speaker 2: we actually talking about that's really important for us to understand. 39 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:40,839 Speaker 2: Regret is sadness, its disappointment, embarrassment, It's a sad mix 40 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:45,320 Speaker 2: of all those things, but I think it's mostly rooted 41 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:50,200 Speaker 2: in grief, to be honest, grief over a life path 42 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:55,280 Speaker 2: we could have lived and the stories we could have made, 43 00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:58,040 Speaker 2: and the stories that we do make up about that 44 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:01,040 Speaker 2: life path, that it's better, that it's happier that we 45 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 2: didn't get to that we didn't get to have this 46 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,280 Speaker 2: what if? That is attached to every single regret. What 47 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 2: if I had done this, what if I hadn't is 48 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,600 Speaker 2: probably the most important part of it. When we look 49 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:17,840 Speaker 2: at regret under like an emotional microscope, there is essentially 50 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:22,359 Speaker 2: two key ingredients. One of them is exactly what we're 51 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:27,720 Speaker 2: talking about. It's referred to as counterfactual thinking. Counterfactual thinking 52 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:32,120 Speaker 2: is basically the brains game of what if you mentally 53 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,440 Speaker 2: go over an event? You imagine a million different ways. 54 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:37,920 Speaker 2: One of them is obviously going to be better. There's 55 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:42,120 Speaker 2: the life that's actually happened. And then there's the alternative 56 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 2: reality that you play in your head, the versions where 57 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,040 Speaker 2: you said yes instead of no, you stayed instead of left, 58 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 2: you spoke instead of staying quiet. Researchers call these counterfactuals 59 00:03:54,560 --> 00:04:00,120 Speaker 2: literally alternatives to the facts. They can go into tore 60 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:04,720 Speaker 2: in a downward counterfactual you imagine how it could have 61 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:09,760 Speaker 2: been worse, Like, honestly, that could have gone horribly if 62 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,440 Speaker 2: I hadn't left when I did. That could have really 63 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:17,320 Speaker 2: been a disaster for me. In upward counterfactuals, though you 64 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,279 Speaker 2: imagine a better outcome than the one you got. If 65 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 2: only I'd revised properly, I could have passed that exam, 66 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,479 Speaker 2: and then I would have a better job than I 67 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,360 Speaker 2: do now, and I'd be making more money and I'd 68 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 2: be happier. Or if I'd only reached out to my 69 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:35,560 Speaker 2: friends more, maybe I'd be less lonely, maybe my life 70 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:39,000 Speaker 2: would feel like it had more meaning. It's the upward 71 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:44,839 Speaker 2: ones that hurt. But counterfactuals aren't the only element here. 72 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,120 Speaker 2: You might think, you know, if the weather had been better, 73 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:51,160 Speaker 2: that holiday would have been amazing, and you feel a 74 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:55,239 Speaker 2: little bit annoyed and disappointed. That doesn't regret. The missing 75 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 2: piece here that we're seeing in these examples is self blame. 76 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,599 Speaker 2: You can counterfactuals, but if you don't blame yourself, you 77 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,840 Speaker 2: don't have regret. Regret is what happens when you look 78 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 2: at that better imagined outcome, that upward counterfactual, and you think, Okay, 79 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,800 Speaker 2: that was on me, like that was my fault. Studies 80 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:21,120 Speaker 2: on this show exactly that imagining a better outcome is 81 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 2: one thing. When you tie that better outcome directly to 82 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:29,600 Speaker 2: your own actions, those evaluations become really bitter and they 83 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:33,800 Speaker 2: become really painful. For example, a study from twenty eighteen 84 00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 2: from researchers at the University of New England. They looked 85 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 2: at a sample of over one hundred and forty individuals 86 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,280 Speaker 2: and they asked them to complete a survey about symptoms 87 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:47,560 Speaker 2: of depression, symptoms of anxiety, and then they also had 88 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:54,279 Speaker 2: them rank and rate past regret and regret intensity and 89 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:59,040 Speaker 2: how much they had to say they had the opportunity 90 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 2: to correct that situation. What the researchers found was that 91 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 2: having greater regret did not correlate to being more depressed 92 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:15,480 Speaker 2: or unhappy. Having greater regret that you blamed yourself for 93 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,159 Speaker 2: and that you felt like you could have done something 94 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,080 Speaker 2: about that was where mental health went bad or depression 95 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:25,839 Speaker 2: really began to crop up more frequently in the participants. 96 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:30,640 Speaker 2: So what exactly do people regret the most? You may 97 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,400 Speaker 2: remember I did a full episode on this a while 98 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,520 Speaker 2: back titled the twenty Regrets People Have about their Twenties. 99 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,400 Speaker 2: I asked five thousand people what is the thing you 100 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,799 Speaker 2: regret the most about your twenties? And the biggest answers 101 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:48,359 Speaker 2: were number one, focusing too much on romantic love or 102 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:53,240 Speaker 2: staying in an unsuitable relationship for too long, number two, 103 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:58,040 Speaker 2: worrying too much about what others thought of me, number three, 104 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:03,520 Speaker 2: not fighting more for friendships, number four not investing sooner, 105 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:08,320 Speaker 2: and then another big theme, not going to college, but 106 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:13,120 Speaker 2: equally going to college. We heard a similar number for both. 107 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 2: Go and listen to that full episode if you want 108 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:19,600 Speaker 2: the entire list of the full twenty, because it's honestly 109 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,600 Speaker 2: so fascinating what we found. But that was just for 110 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 2: our twenties, that was just for this decade. If you 111 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,960 Speaker 2: were to ask a room full of people of all 112 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:32,600 Speaker 2: ages what they regret about life in general, some clear 113 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:37,800 Speaker 2: patterns do actually appear and become pretty consistent. Researchers from 114 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 2: the University of Illinois published a meta analysis of this 115 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:47,280 Speaker 2: very thing. They looked at eleven studies where people talked 116 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,480 Speaker 2: about regret, and they analyzed it to figure out what 117 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 2: the biggest themes were. They then ranked them in terms 118 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 2: of most regret to least regret across all samples. All 119 00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:07,040 Speaker 2: of these studies, the top six regrets were education number one, career, romance, parenting, identity, 120 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:11,800 Speaker 2: and then leisure. So above all else, education was interestingly 121 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:16,280 Speaker 2: the thing that people regretted the most, mainly for not 122 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:20,680 Speaker 2: pursuing more of it. Daniel Pink, the author, actually went 123 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 2: further into this with his World Regret Survey. He turned 124 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,120 Speaker 2: this into a book, The Power of Regret. It was 125 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,800 Speaker 2: released in twenty twenty two. When he sorted through and 126 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,360 Speaker 2: I think it was like sixteen thousand people's regrets from 127 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,520 Speaker 2: more than one hundred countries. What he found was that 128 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,560 Speaker 2: it wasn't a specific thing. We might say education is 129 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:45,160 Speaker 2: the biggest, but actually what he found is there's categories 130 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:50,960 Speaker 2: four big categories of regrets. Foundation regrets number one, that 131 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:54,920 Speaker 2: is where education comes down comes to so not building stability, 132 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:58,000 Speaker 2: not pursuing an education, not taking care of finances your health. 133 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:02,080 Speaker 2: Foundation regrets number one. Boldness regrets number two, so not 134 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:06,520 Speaker 2: being brave enough, not taking chances. Moral regrets were number three, 135 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:10,480 Speaker 2: not acting in line with your values, doing something that 136 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:14,480 Speaker 2: you felt hurt other people. And number four was connection regrets, 137 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:18,480 Speaker 2: so letting relationships with her or break down, or not 138 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:22,360 Speaker 2: pursuing the person you really cared about. There's a phrase 139 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:27,199 Speaker 2: he says in the book that I love. Most people 140 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:30,800 Speaker 2: actually ended up regretting what they felt they had the 141 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:35,480 Speaker 2: greatest opportunity to change. They didn't regret the stuff that 142 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,120 Speaker 2: was totally out of their control, you know, the person 143 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,960 Speaker 2: who didn't love them back, the friend who just was 144 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,640 Speaker 2: never going to be on their team. But the moments 145 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:46,360 Speaker 2: where you know, if they were honest, they had some 146 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:48,920 Speaker 2: power and they didn't use it, that was where a 147 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:53,440 Speaker 2: lot of the pain lay. They could have chased after 148 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,760 Speaker 2: that person, They could have bet on themselves, they could 149 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:58,720 Speaker 2: have started the business, they could have gone and gotten 150 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:04,439 Speaker 2: that education. That is the stuff that left the greatest impact. 151 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,320 Speaker 2: And I think that for people in their twenties, that's 152 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 2: both the sobering and strangely empowering thought. It means that 153 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:16,360 Speaker 2: our regrets cluster around our sense of agency, and knowing 154 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 2: that is actually really essential and it's a vital takeaway 155 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 2: if one of your goals is to avoid regret in 156 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:27,199 Speaker 2: the future. I want to explain exactly why after this 157 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:36,200 Speaker 2: short break, I think in our twenties, we definitely may 158 00:10:36,559 --> 00:10:39,680 Speaker 2: have regrets. We may have a few regrets, like you know, 159 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,240 Speaker 2: I regret how I treated that friend, I regret not 160 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:47,000 Speaker 2: taking that job. But most of how we experience regret 161 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 2: is our future fear of it and wanting to ensure 162 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,080 Speaker 2: we have as little of it as possible. That is 163 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,680 Speaker 2: why I think personally, like people love those lists, like 164 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 2: the lists I was just talking about it, like the 165 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,400 Speaker 2: Greatest Regrets. We love them so much because they're like 166 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:01,079 Speaker 2: this guide. 167 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:01,520 Speaker 1: Right. 168 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:06,720 Speaker 2: The irony is, though, the more you think about what 169 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,839 Speaker 2: you may or may not regret, the more you analyze it, 170 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 2: the more you actually let that influence your decision making, 171 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,600 Speaker 2: and the more likely you are actually going to make 172 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:19,480 Speaker 2: decisions that you regret more or not make a decision 173 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:25,560 Speaker 2: that you regret. Why is this Why because it's artificially 174 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 2: increasing the stakes for any in all decisions you make, 175 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,840 Speaker 2: if you have this lingering fear that it's going to 176 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,440 Speaker 2: be the wrong one, and so that fear and that 177 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:39,120 Speaker 2: assessment of regret and whether this has potential for regret 178 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,760 Speaker 2: or not constantly interrupts your ability to trust your instincts. 179 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,440 Speaker 2: A lot of us live in what we call pre regret. 180 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:49,640 Speaker 2: You haven't made the decision yet, but you're already imagining 181 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:53,480 Speaker 2: that it's the wrong one, or how you might feel 182 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:59,120 Speaker 2: if you chose the wrong thing. You are lying in 183 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:02,880 Speaker 2: bed thinking already. You know you haven't taken the job, 184 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,800 Speaker 2: but if I take the job and I hate it, 185 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,080 Speaker 2: I'm never going to forgive myself. But if I don't 186 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,520 Speaker 2: take the job and it actually ends up being great, 187 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,640 Speaker 2: I'm never going to forgive myself either. So which one 188 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,520 Speaker 2: am I going to do? This one, that one, this one, 189 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:20,600 Speaker 2: that one, and then you basically do nothing. What's actually 190 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:24,880 Speaker 2: happening there with this scenario is that you haven't chosen 191 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,520 Speaker 2: the job yet nothing in your actual life has changed. 192 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:30,319 Speaker 2: You have no knowledge of whether it's going to be 193 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 2: good or bad. You have made this pre assessment or 194 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:36,040 Speaker 2: this pre judgment. It has influenced the decision before you've 195 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,240 Speaker 2: even given yourself a chance. You haven't taken the job 196 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,480 Speaker 2: or you know. You haven't moved, you haven't quit, you 197 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,040 Speaker 2: haven't said the thing you want to say. But emotionally 198 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:47,880 Speaker 2: you're already and have already lived through all of these 199 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:54,040 Speaker 2: worst case scenarios. The more you let yourself ruminate on 200 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 2: these scenarios, on the worst case scenario, the more you 201 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,960 Speaker 2: believe that it's gonna come true. This is a cognitive 202 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:08,280 Speaker 2: bias we call the availability heuristic. Essentially, we inaccurately judge 203 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,520 Speaker 2: how likely something is to happen simply based on how 204 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:16,640 Speaker 2: easy it is for us to recall, and of course, 205 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:23,079 Speaker 2: the emotionally salient disaster regret scenarios your brain is cooking 206 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,400 Speaker 2: up for you. They are going to be the easiest 207 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,280 Speaker 2: ones to recall. They are going to be the most 208 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:31,800 Speaker 2: prominent because they are the most emotional. The danger here 209 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,440 Speaker 2: is that you spend so long thinking again or trying 210 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:38,000 Speaker 2: to outthink regret. You do not move, you do not act. 211 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:45,240 Speaker 2: This is the paradox of the perfect decision. The more 212 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:49,880 Speaker 2: you chase a perfect decision one that is, I guess 213 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:56,119 Speaker 2: the guarantees like permanent emotional comfort, the harder it becomes 214 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,839 Speaker 2: to do or to choose anything at all, because the 215 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:05,200 Speaker 2: worst case scenario, the regret based scenarios, all those things 216 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:10,040 Speaker 2: your brain creates like you cannot release them. I've been 217 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,520 Speaker 2: there so many times. You tell yourself you're just being careful. 218 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,320 Speaker 2: You tell yourself like, hey, I'm just waiting, I'm just 219 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,640 Speaker 2: waiting till I'm not ninety three percent sure, when you 220 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,360 Speaker 2: could have made the decision when you were fifty one 221 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,600 Speaker 2: percent sure, and you would have still felt as conflicted 222 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,160 Speaker 2: as you do now. And I'm sorry to be the 223 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,240 Speaker 2: bearer of bad news, but that the perfect decision doesn't 224 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:34,359 Speaker 2: exist anyways. One hundred percent certainty only exists in hindsight. 225 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,480 Speaker 2: Every real choice comes with the trade offs. It comes 226 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,000 Speaker 2: with losses, it comes with gains as well. Trying to 227 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,360 Speaker 2: find the perfect option that is never going to hurt you, 228 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 2: there's never going to give you regret means you are 229 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:48,560 Speaker 2: going to stay in situations that you have outgrown. What 230 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,560 Speaker 2: I can say, though, is that even if the worst 231 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:56,560 Speaker 2: case scenario happens, it is often never as bad as 232 00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:00,240 Speaker 2: we emotionally predict it to be. This is where affective 233 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,320 Speaker 2: forecasting comes in. It is the human habit of trying 234 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,920 Speaker 2: to predict how we feel in the future and getting 235 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,760 Speaker 2: it very, very wrong. When it comes to regret, our 236 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:13,160 Speaker 2: forecasts are usually wildly pessimistic, so we end up organizing 237 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,320 Speaker 2: our whole lives around and emotion. We're probably not actually 238 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:20,240 Speaker 2: going to feel. We don't necessarily even fear regret. We 239 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:24,400 Speaker 2: fear an exaggerated, imagined version of regret that is a 240 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 2: projection of our deep fears and insecurities and everything going wrong, 241 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,760 Speaker 2: when actually that very rarely happens. What we also know 242 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,560 Speaker 2: from the research is that the easiest way again to 243 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,640 Speaker 2: avoid regret is to actually take any kind of action 244 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 2: in any direction, even if you don't know for sure 245 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 2: it's going to be the right one. Take, for example, 246 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:49,000 Speaker 2: the nineteen ninety seven paper on regret and self discrepancy theory. 247 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 2: What research is found in their research assessing the regrets 248 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:56,200 Speaker 2: of thousands of people is that twenty four percent of 249 00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 2: regrets were about things people did do, seventy six percent 250 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,240 Speaker 2: of regrets for about the things they didn't do. What 251 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,560 Speaker 2: they realized is that there are two types regrets, action 252 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:11,000 Speaker 2: regrets and in action regrets. In action regrets they are 253 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,040 Speaker 2: far more common. So if you want to avoid regret, 254 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:16,480 Speaker 2: overthinking it is not going to do anything. Making a 255 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:20,920 Speaker 2: decision will make any decision, any decision at all. The 256 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,680 Speaker 2: only way out of the paradox isn't to lower your 257 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:27,640 Speaker 2: standards so much as to tell yourself the truth. There 258 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:32,280 Speaker 2: is no decision that will absolutely protect me from regret. 259 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,760 Speaker 2: At some point I will wish I had known what 260 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 2: I do know now, But if I make a choice, 261 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,000 Speaker 2: my chances of that are going to be a lot less. 262 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,440 Speaker 2: So if you are currently in a state of regret, 263 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 2: you regret something you did or didn't choose in the past. 264 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:51,200 Speaker 2: I also want you to recognize that the option you're 265 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,600 Speaker 2: currently living in is the real one, and it is 266 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,560 Speaker 2: full color, and it is complicated, and it has good 267 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,600 Speaker 2: days and bad days and awkward conversations and admin and 268 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,280 Speaker 2: loneliness and traffic. That is the real thing that is 269 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,840 Speaker 2: happening to you. The option you didn't choose, that you 270 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,920 Speaker 2: are torturing yourself with believing that it was the better one. 271 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,159 Speaker 2: That only lives in your head, and what it is 272 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 2: in your head is not real. As much as what 273 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:22,600 Speaker 2: hasn't happened yet can be convincingly very very terrifying, what 274 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 2: we expected to happen that didn't can be convincingly flawless. 275 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,480 Speaker 2: You see yourself in that other city with instant friends 276 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,800 Speaker 2: and a cool flat, and you're not struggling with paperwork 277 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,960 Speaker 2: or a visa, and you're not missing home or you're 278 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 2: not missing your dog. You see yourself in the other 279 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,359 Speaker 2: relationship and the relationship you tried one more time to 280 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,199 Speaker 2: make work, and you're laughing now and you're not arguing 281 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:51,760 Speaker 2: about money anymore. Blah blah blah blah blah. You're comparing reality, 282 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:56,440 Speaker 2: your messy, real life, to something that is just completely 283 00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:01,840 Speaker 2: like just buffed of all bad madness, and you think 284 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,920 Speaker 2: that those things are equally probable, and you think that 285 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,199 Speaker 2: the one that you're imagining could have happened. That is 286 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,159 Speaker 2: not true. No one's life is perfect the way that 287 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,520 Speaker 2: we are imagining it. I think another useful reframe to 288 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:17,040 Speaker 2: stop fearing regret is to also understand when in our 289 00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:21,280 Speaker 2: lives regret has maybe actually saved us. We've mostly talked 290 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:25,880 Speaker 2: about how regret hurts. I don't hear people talk about 291 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,159 Speaker 2: how it can protect you. You regret missing that travel 292 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:32,240 Speaker 2: opportunity with your friends. You know what that means, You're 293 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,679 Speaker 2: not going to miss out again. You regret how you 294 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,720 Speaker 2: treated that friend when you were twenty one, that you 295 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,639 Speaker 2: ghosted them, that you didn't come through with your promises. 296 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,359 Speaker 2: That self blame and pain is going to make you 297 00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:46,119 Speaker 2: a better friend in the future. You regret not spending 298 00:18:46,119 --> 00:18:49,159 Speaker 2: more time with your grandparents. As your parents get older, 299 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,520 Speaker 2: you're not going to make the same mistake In that way, 300 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,760 Speaker 2: regret functions a bit like a bruise on your moral skin. 301 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,280 Speaker 2: You bump up against a lying you didn't know was there, 302 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:04,200 Speaker 2: and it hurts, and afterwards you remember that. You move 303 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,240 Speaker 2: a little bit more carefully, don't keep walking into the 304 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,800 Speaker 2: same sharp corner in quite the same way. It's not 305 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,639 Speaker 2: that you never make mistakes again, obviously you do, but 306 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,320 Speaker 2: you rarely make the exact same one at the same 307 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:21,720 Speaker 2: level because regret has taught you an important lesson. When 308 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,439 Speaker 2: you are tempted to see your regrets as proof that 309 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,880 Speaker 2: you're a disaster or that something has failed, it's worth 310 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,240 Speaker 2: zooming out some of the qualities you like most about 311 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:34,560 Speaker 2: yourself now, The care you take with people, the risks, 312 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:39,440 Speaker 2: the risk mindset you have are probably shaped by very old, 313 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:44,280 Speaker 2: painful moments where you didn't know regret hurts. It's also 314 00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:47,400 Speaker 2: been steering you away from becoming a version of yourself 315 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,440 Speaker 2: you probably wouldn't be able to live with either. 316 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 1: Now. 317 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:56,200 Speaker 2: There are some regrets for which this is simply not 318 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,880 Speaker 2: going to make us feel better. Nothing came from it, 319 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,880 Speaker 2: You didn't learn anything thing. It's made your life worse. 320 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:05,720 Speaker 2: Sadly that is the case. Sometimes then it might be 321 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,320 Speaker 2: simply worth looking at how we can live with the 322 00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:12,720 Speaker 2: facts of what happened. One of the hardest but most 323 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,720 Speaker 2: important cognitive skills I think we can master, and I'm 324 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,920 Speaker 2: yet to master it. I'm being optimistic. I wish I could, 325 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:25,240 Speaker 2: but it's acceptance accepting that this happened, regret will happen, 326 00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:28,720 Speaker 2: such as the flow and intricacies of life and not 327 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:32,920 Speaker 2: having not being able to predict the future. You don't 328 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,160 Speaker 2: have to put a positive spin on it, you don't 329 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,119 Speaker 2: have to turn it into an opportunity, but you have 330 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,119 Speaker 2: to be willing to acknowledge that, yeah, it happened, and 331 00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:43,239 Speaker 2: there's nothing you can change it, and you can go 332 00:20:43,359 --> 00:20:46,600 Speaker 2: forward anyways. I'm not going to ignore the fact that 333 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,119 Speaker 2: I don't like it. I wish it were different, but 334 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:52,080 Speaker 2: this is the reality that I'm facing. As long as 335 00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:54,600 Speaker 2: you are mentally replaying the past trying to get a 336 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:58,040 Speaker 2: different outcome, you stay locked in a kind of mental 337 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,040 Speaker 2: argument with yourself that you're never going to win and 338 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,760 Speaker 2: you will never be able to move forward from regret 339 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,960 Speaker 2: in that moment just paralyzes you further. It reduces any 340 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:13,679 Speaker 2: ability you have to change. It's also important to note 341 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,800 Speaker 2: that what's happening there in that moment where you just 342 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,360 Speaker 2: ruminate on everything you could have done differently, is its 343 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:24,479 Speaker 2: own kind of cognitive bias. It's called hindsight bias, the 344 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:28,320 Speaker 2: tendency to believe that past action should have been obvious 345 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:31,760 Speaker 2: or avoidable given what you know. Now, we all know 346 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:35,000 Speaker 2: that's not true. For every scenario your brain may have 347 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,920 Speaker 2: cooked up for you of how this could have gone 348 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,960 Speaker 2: good or bad. And for all that predictive value you 349 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,960 Speaker 2: think your brain has, there's always going to be an 350 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,560 Speaker 2: option that you didn't think of, and it's probably the 351 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,800 Speaker 2: option that happened. Because again, you can't predict the future. 352 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,880 Speaker 2: And that is why radical self compassion is so important. 353 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,080 Speaker 2: You've made a mistake, you have a deep regret about 354 00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 2: something you're not sure if you can move past it. 355 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:00,040 Speaker 2: Having radical self compassion in that moment is not a 356 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:04,840 Speaker 2: tempt to excuse the behavior or to change it. It's 357 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,480 Speaker 2: just the tone you take with yourself when you think 358 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,320 Speaker 2: back on it. When I think about regrets I have, 359 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:14,520 Speaker 2: I always go back to the professor Kristen Nev's model 360 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,560 Speaker 2: of self compassion. She defines it as comprising of three components. 361 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:23,399 Speaker 2: Self kindness responding to personal failure with care rather than 362 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:30,159 Speaker 2: harsh judgment, Common humanity recognizing that anybody else could have 363 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,159 Speaker 2: made the same mistake or have a similar regret that 364 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,880 Speaker 2: you to you and what you're experiencing. And also mindfulness 365 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:41,920 Speaker 2: just holding painful thoughts and emotions in balanced awareness with 366 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:47,880 Speaker 2: other with other more positive thoughts, not over identifying with them, 367 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,840 Speaker 2: not saying that because I made this mistake, because I 368 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,720 Speaker 2: didn't make this choice, this is who I am for 369 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,040 Speaker 2: the rest of my life, just acknowledging that they are 370 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,560 Speaker 2: part of your life the way many more magical parts 371 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:03,879 Speaker 2: are as well. Importantly, this research consistently shows having that 372 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:08,160 Speaker 2: kind of respect and relationship to regret doesn't reduce accountability. 373 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,360 Speaker 2: It doesn't reduce moral standards. It actually means you're more 374 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,760 Speaker 2: likely to take responsibility, You're more likely to apologize, to 375 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:21,760 Speaker 2: want to change, and again, it actually reduces future likelihood 376 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,960 Speaker 2: of encountering a similar situation, acting in the same way, 377 00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:29,240 Speaker 2: and doubling your regret. As we wrap up this episode 378 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,560 Speaker 2: on the psychology of regret, I want to say it 379 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,960 Speaker 2: is impossible to live without regret. It is one of 380 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 2: those emotional scars we all get as humans, the same 381 00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:42,879 Speaker 2: as heartbreak, the same as grief. It also reflects the 382 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,959 Speaker 2: fact that we get choices, and that we have agency, 383 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,760 Speaker 2: and that we have things that we care about. I've 384 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:54,200 Speaker 2: been trying to do this thing lately. For every emotional 385 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:57,520 Speaker 2: thing or event I fear, or that I think is 386 00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:02,199 Speaker 2: bad or that I don't enjoy like regret. I imagine 387 00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:05,440 Speaker 2: what life would be like without it. Like if regret 388 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,160 Speaker 2: was an emotion we just couldn't feel, or we could 389 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,960 Speaker 2: opt out of, or we didn't have access to, would 390 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:14,520 Speaker 2: that be better? And honestly, I actually think the world 391 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,320 Speaker 2: would be way worse. People would be terrible to each 392 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:20,200 Speaker 2: other because they wouldn't have regrets about it And again, 393 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,600 Speaker 2: I think we wouldn't have the agency we have over 394 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,840 Speaker 2: our lives now. Is a worthy price to me? You 395 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:29,919 Speaker 2: know that I am able to regret because I have choices. 396 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,240 Speaker 2: If I didn't regret, I wouldn't have choices and I 397 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 2: wouldn't have the freedom to choose, and that in itself 398 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,240 Speaker 2: is a blessing. So that is my final takeaway message 399 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:43,720 Speaker 2: from this episode. Not to be you know, not to 400 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:49,280 Speaker 2: be too toxically positive, but yeah, how can we see 401 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:53,160 Speaker 2: regret as maybe an asset rather than a weakness at times? 402 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,800 Speaker 2: If you enjoyed this episode, I would really recommend you 403 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,879 Speaker 2: go and listen to our episode on the twenty biggest 404 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,800 Speaker 2: regrets people have in their t twenties. That full list 405 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,760 Speaker 2: is incredible and so much effort went into that episode 406 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,600 Speaker 2: and there is so much to learn, especially if you 407 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,919 Speaker 2: like knowing what kind of themes regret clusters around in 408 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,639 Speaker 2: order to avoid it yourself. If you have made it 409 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:17,359 Speaker 2: this far as well, thank you for listening. You have 410 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:21,879 Speaker 2: made it to our secret question of the episode, what's 411 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:27,480 Speaker 2: something you actually thought you would regret but didn't? Leave 412 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:32,040 Speaker 2: a comment down below, and as always, thanks for tuning in. 413 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:36,040 Speaker 2: Thank you to our researcher Libby Cobbert for her contributions 414 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:38,719 Speaker 2: to this episode. Make sure you are following us on 415 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:43,080 Speaker 2: Instagram at that Psychology Podcast and subscribed wherever you are 416 00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:46,919 Speaker 2: listening right now until next time, be safe, be kind, 417 00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:49,840 Speaker 2: be gentle with yourself. Thank you for tuning in. We 418 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:51,640 Speaker 2: will talk very very soon.