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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space.

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Speaker 3: That can be a really hard process to really say, Okay,

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Speaker 3: I'm going to be single, and you even kind of

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Speaker 3: mentioned you said I'm single, but I have friends. What

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Speaker 3: does that mean when you say I have friends?

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Speaker 4: Does that mean like, okay, like every now and then,

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Speaker 4: I'm i'd have that friend that I'm gonna call when

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Speaker 4: I really want to go to the movies or I

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Speaker 4: really want some sex, or I have this gala that.

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Speaker 3: I'm trying to go to and I really don't want

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Speaker 3: to go alone. Is that what that means?

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Speaker 2: That's a good question. You find get all deep dop. Yes,

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Speaker 2: So that's what that means. You hit the spot on

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Speaker 2: it and for me in the beginning. That's kind of

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Speaker 2: what I did because I felt like having it.

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Speaker 3: From Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you.

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Speaker 5: We're your hosts doctor.

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Speaker 3: Dominique Brussard, a college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and a motivational speaker. In

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Speaker 2: a world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood,

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Speaker 2: please join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything

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Speaker 2: from fibroids to fake friends, and create a safe space

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Speaker 2: where black women can just be so last week, we

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Speaker 2: had a question from one of our listeners, and that

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Speaker 2: question was I recently got out of a really bad,

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Speaker 2: toxic relationship. I'm embarking on this somewhat lonely journey to

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Speaker 2: independence and inner peace, and oddly enough, I'm tempted to

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Speaker 2: reach out to my ex, even though I know he's

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Speaker 2: bad news. How do you move on from a toxic person? Oh,

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Speaker 2: this is a good question. I think many of us

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Speaker 2: have been there, done that might still be in the situation.

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Speaker 2: But I think the first thing that I want to

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Speaker 2: do when I think about the perspective and what to

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Speaker 2: do in this situation is to take a look at

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Speaker 2: your options, like what are your realistic options in a

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Speaker 2: situation like this, And so I think the first might

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Speaker 2: be you can reach out to your ex. You probably

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Speaker 2: know exactly what's going to come of that. It'll be

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Speaker 2: great in the beginning, the makeup sex is gonna be bombed.

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Speaker 2: And then you're gonna be in the same position that

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Speaker 2: you're in right now where you find those things that

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Speaker 2: he's doing or she's doing that's adding toxic. Okay, this

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Speaker 2: is the hard word for me. Don can you help

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Speaker 2: me out here?

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Speaker 5: Toxicity?

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Speaker 2: There we go. Toxicity. Okay, thank you girl. You know

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Speaker 2: sometimes those words that are a little tough. Okay, So yes,

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Speaker 2: they add what Dom just said to your life. So

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Speaker 2: that's one option right now. The second option you could

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Speaker 2: not reach out. You can sit with yourself and try

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Speaker 2: to figure out why do I want to reach out?

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Speaker 2: Why and what am I looking for? Is it the sex?

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Speaker 2: Is it the familiarity, is it the companionship? Is it

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Speaker 2: really the person.

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Speaker 5: Asking yourself those tough questions?

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Speaker 2: That's right, That's super key. So I feel like in

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Speaker 2: most situations, I think it's really important in general to

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Speaker 2: think critically and not necessarily emotionally, right, when we get

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Speaker 2: in those tough situations. So those are two options. Do

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Speaker 2: you have any other insight or yeah?

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Speaker 3: I think my option would be to dive deep into yourself.

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Speaker 3: And we talk about in this podcast this being her space,

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Speaker 3: so the space for healing, and that's what I want

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Speaker 3: us to kind of focus on. We can just with

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Speaker 3: this question alone, we can dive into so many different areas.

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Speaker 3: We can talk about what it means to be an

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Speaker 3: independent woman. We can talk about what it really means

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Speaker 3: when you reach out to an X and try to

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Speaker 3: keep an X in the picture. We can also talk

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Speaker 3: about toxic relationships in general. But today I think I

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Speaker 3: want us to focus on healing ourselves and what does

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Speaker 3: that mean to focus on ourselves? And so that leads

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Speaker 3: me to our quote of the day. If you're like me,

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Speaker 3: you really enjoyed sex in the city And I was

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Speaker 3: a big Carrie Bradshaw fan. Looking back with my training,

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Speaker 3: I can see where there are areas where she needed improvement.

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Speaker 3: But this quote that she came up with really resonates

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Speaker 3: with healing of self. So the quote says, I got

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Speaker 3: to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you

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Speaker 3: up to something new and exotic. Those that are old

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Speaker 3: and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those

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Speaker 3: that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far

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Speaker 3: from where you started, and those that bring you back.

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Speaker 3: But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all

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Speaker 3: is the one that you have with yourself. And if

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Speaker 3: you find someone to love the you you love, well,

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Speaker 3: that's just fabulous.

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Speaker 2: Oh the mouthful was a mouthful, but that's so deep

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Speaker 2: and it's so good.

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Speaker 6: Wow.

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Speaker 2: And I'm thinking about the quote, and I'm looking looking

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Speaker 2: at the quote. I'm thinking about the different relationships that

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Speaker 2: I've had that have been each.

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Speaker 5: Of those aspects.

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Speaker 3: Yes, it's very interesting and it's so true. What does

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Speaker 3: that quote mean to you? Dom As I was reading

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Speaker 3: it and I was thinking about the question that was

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Speaker 3: asked for today. The thing that came up, the piece

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Speaker 3: that stuck with me is those that are old and

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Speaker 3: familiar and those that bring up lots of questions. And

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Speaker 3: so I feel like our listener who asked that question

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Speaker 3: really might be trying to figure out does she want

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Speaker 3: that old thing back?

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Speaker 6: Right?

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Speaker 3: And if she gets that old thing back, what does

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Speaker 3: that really mean? What does that really say about her?

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Speaker 3: What does that really say about that her partner. But

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Speaker 3: before she can even think about all of those things,

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Speaker 3: what would be helpful is really for her to focus

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Speaker 3: on herself.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Oh that's so on point, tom. So I'm thinking about

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Speaker 2: this quote makes me think about this time in my life,

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Speaker 2: and I'll give you some context to so you can

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Speaker 2: kind of walk with me. I don't know what it is.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if that's the subject matter, but like

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Speaker 2: I was last week, I'm getting so emotional thinking about

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Speaker 2: the content and the subject I think I must just

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Speaker 2: be like reflecting on my journey. So if y'all hear

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Speaker 2: some some ugly crying on the other side, just know,

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Speaker 2: is it.

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Speaker 5: A snifflet, little snifflet?

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Speaker 2: Just know I'm hope here and working through my stuff.

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Speaker 2: But it makes me think about when I was in

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Speaker 2: grad school and at that time of life, I had

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Speaker 2: just gotten out of this really bad had a toxic

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Speaker 2: relationship with a crazy ex who was very controlling and

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Speaker 2: you know, didn't want me to like look at anybody,

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Speaker 2: talk to anybody, just like very over the top stuff, right,

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Speaker 2: And after I got out of that relationship, I ended

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Speaker 2: up moving to Maryland by myself. It was the first

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Speaker 2: time in life that I was by myself. It was

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Speaker 2: just me and me, wow, own apartment, no one else around.

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Speaker 2: I had to face my shit and it was so

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Speaker 2: tough because I was so used to being in a

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Speaker 2: relationship that I felt uncomfortable being alone. I was like,

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Speaker 2: I gotta be by myself in this world.

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Speaker 5: That can be a really scary thing. Like you know,

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Speaker 5: how old were you? If you don't mind me asking.

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Speaker 2: Yes, So I was.

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Speaker 7: Let's see, it was in twenty I don't want.

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Speaker 5: To give too much too many details.

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Speaker 2: Someone like listening, like, wait, let me see the listen.

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Speaker 2: It was in my early twenties, I said, in my

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Speaker 2: early twenties. And so what I did was I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna be very transparent. So I had just started

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Speaker 2: having sex with my and so you know, you might

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Speaker 2: know how it is after you break up with someone.

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Speaker 2: It's like, Okay, I know I don't want to be

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Speaker 2: with you, but we still have needs, right. So I

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Speaker 2: was trying to figure out what do I want to do,

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Speaker 2: Like do I want to just have like a friends

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Speaker 2: with benefits type of situation where it's like study not

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Speaker 2: necessarily a partner, but just to study connection, or do

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Speaker 2: I want to have another boyfriend, probably not, because I

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Speaker 2: needed to work on me. And so at that time

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Speaker 2: I decided to be single. I had some friends, but

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Speaker 2: I decided to be single, and I just had to

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Speaker 2: face my stuff and I was lonely. It was so hard,

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Speaker 2: but I was just I had to find myself. I

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Speaker 2: dated myself, and that's what I call it, where I

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Speaker 2: literally took myself on dates. I journaled, I took personality tests.

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Speaker 2: I got to understand who I was and what I

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Speaker 2: wanted because I noticed in the past I was the

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Speaker 2: kind of person where I would just kind of put

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Speaker 2: on the emotions and the feelings of the person I

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Speaker 2: was with. So I had to really introduce myself to Terry.

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Speaker 5: That's hard.

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Speaker 3: That is a real hard process, and that takes you

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Speaker 3: into a space of vulnerability that a lot of us

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Speaker 3: tend to avoid. I know there's been points in my

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Speaker 3: life where I've actively avoided the vulnerability, and we'll talk

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Speaker 3: about that in a couple of other episodes down line,

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Speaker 3: so stay tuned. But that can be a really hard

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Speaker 3: process to really say, Okay, I'm going to be single.

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Speaker 3: And you even kind of mentioned you said I'm single,

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Speaker 3: but I have friends. What does that mean?

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Speaker 5: When you say I have friends, does I.

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Speaker 4: Mean like, okay, like every now and then, I might have.

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Speaker 3: That friend that I'm gonna call when I really want

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Speaker 3: to go to the movies or I really want some sex,

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Speaker 3: or I have this gala that I'm trying to go

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Speaker 3: to and I really don't want to go alone.

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Speaker 2: Is that what that me That's a good question. You

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Speaker 2: try and get all deep dup. Yet so that's what

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Speaker 2: that means. You hit the spot on it. And for me,

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Speaker 2: in the beginning, that's kind of what I did because

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Speaker 2: I felt like having friends with benefits or just having

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Speaker 2: friends to hang out with, because not every not all

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Speaker 2: the friends that I had were like you know, it

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Speaker 2: wasn't all sexual. I tried to keep that to like

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Speaker 2: one person, but I had other friends that I hung

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Speaker 2: out with, and I found that in the beginning after

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Speaker 2: I broke up with my ex, I kind of wanted

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Speaker 2: to replace him in a way, or replace the the

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Speaker 2: the time that I would spend with him with someone

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Speaker 2: else exactly. And so I found myself doing that. But

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Speaker 2: then I felt like I was going into this cycle

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Speaker 2: where I would still get connected with people, and I

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Speaker 2: was like, well, I still don't know me, like I

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Speaker 2: don't know what Terry likes, what does she wants outside

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Speaker 2: of what everybody wants for me or what my family

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Speaker 2: says I should do, or what you know, this friend

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Speaker 2: says like, I want to know who was the essence

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Speaker 2: of me? And I did not know that, And so

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Speaker 2: I think for me, I started off with the friends

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Speaker 2: and then I moved away and I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: I need to be my own friend. I need to

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Speaker 2: go within, take myself on dates, you know, read books,

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Speaker 2: figure out who I am. And I think that was

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Speaker 2: where I needed to get to the next level.

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Speaker 3: So it was kind of like a process that you

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Speaker 3: had to go through, like a kind of like baby steps,

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Speaker 3: really baby steps and easing yourself into it, which we

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Speaker 3: talk about all the time and encourage all the time

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Speaker 3: that sometimes when it's not easy to dive right in,

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Speaker 3: taking that baby step, that first small step is sometimes

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Speaker 3: all it takes to really start making some positive changes,

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Speaker 3: for sure, and it can be scary because it sounds

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Speaker 3: like you had some hesitations there, oh for sure, but

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Speaker 3: taking those baby steps, and I like what you said

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Speaker 3: about like owning that you don't have to do it

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Speaker 3: right away. That the normal pattern for a lot of us.

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Speaker 3: The natural pattern for a lot of us is we

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Speaker 3: break up with someone or someone breaks up with us.

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Speaker 3: Basically the relationship ends, and because we don't like to

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Speaker 3: be alone, we get with someone else right away. If

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Speaker 3: you're listening and that's something that you're currently experiencing, know

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Speaker 3: that you are not the only one who has done

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Speaker 3: that exactly. You are not the only one who is

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Speaker 3: As the church ladies would say in backsliding, you are

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Speaker 3: not the only one.

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Speaker 2: And I feel like sometimes people are so quick, like

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Speaker 2: when you're in a situation like that, I feel like

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Speaker 2: people are so quick to say, oh, you got to

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Speaker 2: move on, Oh you got to just get over it.

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Speaker 2: But it's like there was so much time invested in

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Speaker 2: the relationship that it's not easy to just walk away.

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Speaker 2: Like I definitely reached out and still had a connection

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Speaker 2: and realize that, Okay, we can't be friends right now

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Speaker 2: because this is too you know, with my excess too

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Speaker 2: fresh healing, it doesn't help with the healing. And so

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Speaker 2: I guess I would love to dive into some strategies

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Speaker 2: like what can we do if we're not going to

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Speaker 2: just move on? What should we focus on? And then

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Speaker 2: what what should we do in the meantime, right and

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Speaker 2: the in between.

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Speaker 3: The meantime. Yes, that in the meantime is a process

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Speaker 3: of or space for you. That's the space where you

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Speaker 3: really get to know you and you learn to be

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Speaker 3: compassionate with yourself. You learn new strategies for how to

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Speaker 3: engage with yourself and other people.

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 3: One of the things that you mentioned was you did

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Speaker 3: some journaling. Journaling is one of those things that for

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Speaker 3: some of us can be really really helpful, and for others,

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Speaker 3: we don't like to write, so we're like, I can't,

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Speaker 3: I can't with this, this is not We might start

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Speaker 3: pick up the pen, put it down, walk away, come back,

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Speaker 3: and you might like, I know that over the years

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Speaker 3: I've looked through.

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Speaker 5: My journal.

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Speaker 3: I go years at times without writing anything, and then

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Speaker 3: I have other points in life where I'm writing, like

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Speaker 3: almost every day. Yeah, there's no set way to journal,

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Speaker 3: but when you're going through this, you're in the meantime,

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Speaker 3: you're healing space. Journaling can be helpful, even if it's

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Speaker 3: just one sentence of today was a hard day. That's

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Speaker 3: all it takes is a simple sentence today was a

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Speaker 3: hard day exactly.

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Speaker 2: That's so true. I agree with that, and if you

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Speaker 2: don't like to journal. Another thing that I did because

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Speaker 2: I was in grad school, so I had lots of

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Speaker 2: papers to write. I was at my hand tired. I

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Speaker 2: don't like journaling, but I love the journal. So what

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Speaker 2: I did was I created voice memos in my phone

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Speaker 2: and you can save them. And that's my best that's

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Speaker 2: my thing now because sometimes when I'm walking to work,

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Speaker 2: I think of an idea or I I just kind

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Speaker 2: of want to process something but don't necessarily want to

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Speaker 2: share it with anyone else, and you can store it

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Speaker 2: in a secure space. I used to also record videos,

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Speaker 2: and so I started recording these private videos that no

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Speaker 2: one else has access to and put them on my

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Speaker 2: hard drive. But I would just pop up the camera

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Speaker 2: and just be like hey self and just like we'd

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Speaker 2: have a conversation, like I was talking to a friend.

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Speaker 2: And in addition to being able to get those thoughts out,

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Speaker 2: it also allowed me to have a lot more compassion

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Speaker 2: for myself because I was at a place in life

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Speaker 2: during those that two years in grad school where I

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Speaker 2: didn't really like myself. And so you know, you're in

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Speaker 2: this toxic relationship. You get out of the relationship, now

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Speaker 2: you got to face this person that you stuck with

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Speaker 2: because I ain't going to I mean, I can't get

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Speaker 2: away from myself. And now it's like, okay, so I

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Speaker 2: have a lot of rebuilding to do. And watching myself

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Speaker 2: on video and like replaying those I want to say,

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Speaker 2: vlogs or video blogs. It allowed me to see myself

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Speaker 2: as another person because I have so much compassion for

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Speaker 2: other people, but I always struggle with having compassion for myself,

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Speaker 2: and so seeing myself on video, it was like, Okay, yeah,

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Speaker 2: you're a little quirky, you're a little a little weird

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Speaker 2: and cheesy, but that's you and it's cool. And I

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Speaker 2: was like, Okay, I like myself more. So, Yeah, that

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Speaker 2: was really helpful.

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Speaker 3: Like moving towards that self acceptance and giving yourself. I

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Speaker 3: like what you said about the compassion. Like in mental

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Speaker 3: health we talk about compassion all the time, Like just

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Speaker 3: being compassionate with yourself, forgiving yourself, forgiving yourself for anything

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Speaker 3: you may have done that when you look back it

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Speaker 3: doesn't feel right. Knowing that it's okay to move forward,

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Speaker 3: that you don't have to beat yourself up for mistakes

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Speaker 3: that we've made exactly or things that we've done that

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Speaker 3: might not have gone so well. We might not be

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Speaker 3: ready to call it a mistake, but it's something that

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Speaker 3: we know didn't go so well.

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Speaker 2: That is so spot on. Dom We got to dive

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Speaker 2: into that forgiveness piece real quick because I wrote this

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Speaker 2: blog post about this and I saw this powerful quote

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Speaker 2: in a book that I read about self esteem, and

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Speaker 2: one of the quotes was we deserve forgiveness even for ourselves.

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Speaker 2: And it talks about how you deserve forgiveness for your mistakes,

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Speaker 2: no matter how painful the consequences for three reasons, right.

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Speaker 2: And the first is you made the best decision, giving

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Speaker 2: your needs and awareness at the moment you made it.

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Speaker 2: Oftentimes we don't know what we don't know, right, So

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Speaker 2: if we're we do the best that we can based

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Speaker 2: on the knowledge that we have. And number two, you've

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Speaker 2: already paid the consequences for your mistake. So your error

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Speaker 2: led to painful consequences that you're paying for right now.

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Speaker 2: So you're going to experience the consequence and you won't

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Speaker 2: beat yourself up and not forgive yourself. It's like, let

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Speaker 2: yourself breathe a little bit. You have to write, we

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Speaker 2: deserve forgiveness even for ourselves. And number three, mistakes are unavoidable.

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Speaker 5: We all make mistakes.

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Speaker 2: You come into the world knowing absolutely nothing, and everything

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Speaker 2: you've learned from standing upright to using a computer has

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Speaker 2: been accomplished at the price of literally thousands of mistakes,

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Speaker 2: and so it makes no sense to kick yourself for

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Speaker 2: something you can only avoid. In the cemetery, it's like,

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Speaker 2: we're all going to make mistakes for the rest of

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Speaker 2: our lives.

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Speaker 3: I think that's a real point, Like that idea, that recognition,

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Speaker 3: that acknowledgment that we will make mistakes for the rest

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Speaker 3: of our lives, and at some point we've got to

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Speaker 3: accept that that's a part of life. But the cool

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Speaker 3: thing about all that, right, is that with that forgiveness,

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Speaker 3: we are constantly acknowledging that it's okay to make mistakes

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Speaker 3: and that we love ourselves despite the mistakes that we're making.

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Speaker 3: Right Exactly, we're with that forgiveness, we're acknowledging that there

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Speaker 3: will be more mistakes, because that's, like, like you said,

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Speaker 3: like that's just a part of our everyday life. Exactly,

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Speaker 3: as I'm sitting here and I'm like I'm wrestling with

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Speaker 3: all this and I'm thinking about like man like being

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Speaker 3: in that space and like taking time to heal that

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Speaker 3: can be hard, that can be difficult to kind of

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Speaker 3: like really truly sit with How long do you think

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Speaker 3: we should sit in that space?

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Speaker 2: Now here's the thing I think that I mean, it

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Speaker 2: differs from person to person, right right, And so I

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Speaker 2: can't even throw a number out there, But what I

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Speaker 2: will say is, you know, I mean most of us

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Speaker 2: know ourselves, and I think that it's healthy to give

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Speaker 2: yourself some time. But my personal role of thumb is

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Speaker 2: to give myself about you know, a couple of days

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Speaker 2: to a week, depending on what the situation is. When

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Speaker 2: it comes to a breakup. I mean, if you've been

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Speaker 2: married or to get or partner with someone for years,

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Speaker 2: it's going to take a lot more time. Right, So

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Speaker 2: I think it does depend on the situation, And there

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Speaker 2: are a lot of different factors that I think that

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Speaker 2: you should set a timeline if you can, even if

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Speaker 2: you don't abide by it, like set something that you

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Speaker 2: have a goal and then do your best, and once

387
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Speaker 2: you get outside of that time frame that window you

388
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Speaker 2: got it, you do have to move on. It is

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Speaker 2: important to move on because holding on to that hurt,

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Speaker 2: holding on to the pain, holding on to the things

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Speaker 2: that you experience in the relationship. It can keep you back,

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Speaker 2: and it can keep you from enjoying love and experiencing

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Speaker 2: love and other ways in life. And so I can't

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Speaker 2: really give like a.

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Speaker 7: That hard time frame.

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Speaker 3: And I wouldn't give a time frame either, because what

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Speaker 3: I like to tell people all the time is to

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Speaker 3: kind of let yourself.

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Speaker 5: Feel the feeling. I'm a believer in.

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Speaker 3: A lot of the distrust that we experience in life

401
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Speaker 3: is because we don't allow ourselves to feel the feelings.

402
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Speaker 3: I think about times for myself where I've been incredibly

403
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Speaker 3: tense and frustrated and angry because there was something that

404
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:17,440
Speaker 3: I wasn't communicating to somebody in my life or to myself,

405
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,600
Speaker 3: and my body was letting me know with those feelings

406
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Speaker 3: of tension and anger, which then can also lead to

407
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Speaker 3: other physical health problems too. And so if we let

408
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,879
Speaker 3: ourselves give ourselves permission, that's part of that compassion that

409
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Speaker 3: we talked about, right, give ourselves permission to feel the feelings. Now,

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Speaker 3: don't get it twisted. I'm not saying you can be

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Speaker 3: you should be hurt, and you're gonna sulk and be

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Speaker 3: hurt for months. No, that's not how that works. So

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Speaker 3: just so we're clear, when you allow yourself to be hurt,

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Speaker 3: to feel the hurt after that breakup, that may look

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Speaker 3: like for the first day or two, you know, I'm

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Speaker 3: not leaving my room. I'm in bed with my box

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Speaker 3: of tissues, and I'm balling my eyes out on and off.

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Speaker 3: Right for a day or two, that's fine, right, But

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Speaker 3: at some point you've got to get up and you've

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Speaker 3: got to keep moving. And for others of us, it

421
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Speaker 3: may mean that, you know what, based on my life circumstances,

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Speaker 3: I give myself thirty minutes, shut myself off from everyone else,

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Speaker 3: ball my eyes out, and then I get up and

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Speaker 3: I keep moving, knowing that at different points through my

425
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Speaker 3: healing process, I may come back to those tears. And

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Speaker 3: it's about figuring out how to let yourself feel the feelings.

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Speaker 3: You don't have to. It's it becomes unhealthy when in

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Speaker 3: how you express those feelings. But you should still be

429
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Speaker 3: allowed to feel the feelings. So, for instance, if you're

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Speaker 3: like angry, punching a wall because you're angry is not

431
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:28,359
Speaker 3: the healthiest way to express the feeling, right, because now

432
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Speaker 3: you've done some wall damage, and that might be a

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Speaker 3: little expensive, right, and that might.

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Speaker 5: Get you kicked out of place.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 5: Yes, yes, yes, you get on exactly.

437
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Speaker 6: But.

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Speaker 3: Don't deny yourself that anger.

439
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Speaker 2: Don't feel guilty about it, Like, don't make yourself feel

440
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 2: like if you miss someone who was horrible to you

441
00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:50,520
Speaker 2: and was it like the person you always was a

442
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,560
Speaker 2: piece of shit and you're like, oh, I missed this person.

443
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,040
Speaker 2: It's like, don't beat yourself up. You were in love.

444
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,800
Speaker 2: There were obviously things that were probably positive about the

445
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,879
Speaker 2: relationship or certain feelings that you but don't beat yourself up.

446
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,640
Speaker 2: Try not to reach out, please, because we don't want

447
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:06,120
Speaker 2: to get back in the same situation. But let yourself

448
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,119
Speaker 2: feel it. Try to find a friend, you know, someone

449
00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:11,080
Speaker 2: that you can process with, talk to get it out

450
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:11,399
Speaker 2: of you.

451
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,440
Speaker 5: And don't hold it in.

452
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:14,040
Speaker 6: Right.

453
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:16,480
Speaker 3: I think that is the biggest piece, is not holding

454
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,200
Speaker 3: it in, and that kind of leads to that next

455
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:23,520
Speaker 3: piece of like spending time with friends and family. I

456
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:29,119
Speaker 3: know that sometimes when we enter into relationships, the first

457
00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 3: thing that drops off is the time that we're spending

458
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:35,359
Speaker 3: with friends and family. We start spending all our time

459
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:39,360
Speaker 3: with our partner, and so that doesn't necessarily leave room

460
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:44,760
Speaker 3: for those people who have been around for ages, and

461
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:49,800
Speaker 3: so now that the relationship is over, now we have time,

462
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:53,960
Speaker 3: and so you can use that time as you're going

463
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:58,840
Speaker 3: through your healing to connect with those who love and

464
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:03,800
Speaker 3: support you, because hopefully they're going to pour into you

465
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:08,160
Speaker 3: and help with that healing process for sure.

466
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,760
Speaker 2: And I'm definitely guilty of that. Dom I remember in

467
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:15,199
Speaker 2: this relationship specifically, I definitely burned some bridges, cut some

468
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,000
Speaker 2: people off because I was so engrossed in the relationship,

469
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:21,520
Speaker 2: and once everything sort of crumbled, it was like, damn,

470
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,439
Speaker 2: you know, looking around, I didn't, you know, jack up

471
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,399
Speaker 2: the relationship I had with this person. I you know,

472
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,639
Speaker 2: wasn't a woman of my word and I didn't commit

473
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:30,919
Speaker 2: to something I said I was going to do. So

474
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:32,920
Speaker 2: I had to kind of go back, and in addition

475
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,800
Speaker 2: to healing and being compassion to myself, I also had

476
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:38,800
Speaker 2: to take responsibility for the role that I played and

477
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,520
Speaker 2: where the relationships that were around me were like the

478
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,280
Speaker 2: state of those relationships, and so I had to do

479
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:49,479
Speaker 2: some apologizing again, taking responsibility and sort of rebuilding the

480
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,000
Speaker 2: connections that I have with those people.

481
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,360
Speaker 3: And that, like I said, that definitely helps in that

482
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,840
Speaker 3: healing process. That helps in using this time to truly

483
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,880
Speaker 3: pour into you. The other thing that we can kind

484
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:06,159
Speaker 3: of invest in, because more than likely something else we

485
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 3: may have given up within that relationship is our hobbies.

486
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:16,000
Speaker 3: Sometimes we get so caught up in being with this

487
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:21,600
Speaker 3: other person that we don't develop any hobbies, or the

488
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,960
Speaker 3: hobbies that we had we kind of let go of.

489
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,080
Speaker 3: And so this is an opportunity as you're trying to

490
00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:31,119
Speaker 3: reconnect with yourself to either reinvest into those things that

491
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:35,520
Speaker 3: you know used to make you feel good, or use

492
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:39,200
Speaker 3: us as a time for self discovery to figure.

493
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:41,320
Speaker 7: Out what do you like it that's right?

494
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:47,760
Speaker 3: Try something new, right, Maybe take a pottery class if

495
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,320
Speaker 3: you've always been wanting to learn how to cook, take

496
00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:52,920
Speaker 3: a cooking class, Take.

497
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:56,080
Speaker 2: A twork class.

498
00:27:54,280 --> 00:28:01,200
Speaker 6: Hey, something that kind of stretches you outside your comfort

499
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:04,600
Speaker 6: zone a little bit, but will also eventually help build

500
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:08,600
Speaker 6: up that confidence continuing to like poll like really like

501
00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:09,840
Speaker 6: pour into you.

502
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 5: Yep.

503
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,480
Speaker 3: I know that sometimes we get so busy that it

504
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:17,160
Speaker 3: really is especially if we're also like in a relationship

505
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:20,920
Speaker 3: like being busy people, it's hard to figure out time

506
00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,400
Speaker 3: to like do those things that are fun and exciting

507
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:29,040
Speaker 3: on our own, not necessarily connected with a partner, but

508
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,679
Speaker 3: those things that we do that's just for us. So

509
00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:35,600
Speaker 3: maybe that to work class might be what it is.

510
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:38,760
Speaker 2: That you need to do right and to be honest,

511
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,080
Speaker 2: I feel like a roll of thumb, just my like

512
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:44,320
Speaker 2: best practice when it comes to relationships is have your

513
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:46,680
Speaker 2: own life outside of the relationship, right even as a

514
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:48,480
Speaker 2: married woman, like I have certain things that are just

515
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,720
Speaker 2: my thing that I do, whether it is go to

516
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,760
Speaker 2: the tourk class, which I do, whether it's like going

517
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:55,640
Speaker 2: to the gym, hanging out with my girlfriends, go to

518
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:58,000
Speaker 2: the spot. And my husband has his own he goes

519
00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,400
Speaker 2: play he plays basketball, he might play video games with

520
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 2: his friends or go to the gym. But I think

521
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:06,080
Speaker 2: having your own hobbies it helps you to just be

522
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:08,880
Speaker 2: your own person, right. But then also it gives you

523
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:11,160
Speaker 2: some time to kind of get outside of the relationship,

524
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:14,400
Speaker 2: have new experiences and then you can bring something back

525
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:17,720
Speaker 2: to discuss, you know, with your partner or share with

526
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:19,400
Speaker 2: them some of the experiences that you've had.

527
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:23,760
Speaker 3: So yeah, I think having and as you're coming out

528
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:27,200
Speaker 3: of this relationship, usually this would be the good time

529
00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:34,320
Speaker 3: to dive into those things and really reinvest because even

530
00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 3: if you are in that relationship and you set aside

531
00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:41,840
Speaker 3: those things that you do for yourself. Having those things

532
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,640
Speaker 3: that you do for yourself at a time when you're

533
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:48,360
Speaker 3: trying to go through healing can really really help that

534
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:51,560
Speaker 3: process because, like I said, it's helping you build up

535
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:55,680
Speaker 3: your confidence. It's something that you enjoy doing. So, as

536
00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:59,920
Speaker 3: we think about how we're like working on our healing,

537
00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:02,360
Speaker 3: is there anything you think that we missed in this

538
00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:03,440
Speaker 3: healing process?

539
00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:09,719
Speaker 2: Ooh, that's a good question. So I think these are

540
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:13,680
Speaker 2: really great actionable steps, right that we can all use

541
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:16,000
Speaker 2: at some you know, at some point in our lives,

542
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:20,080
Speaker 2: depending on you know, whether you're breaking up with someone

543
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:24,560
Speaker 2: or you're leaving a toxic friendship, relationship, you know, intimate relationship,

544
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:26,560
Speaker 2: whatever the case. I think there are two, I want

545
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:31,120
Speaker 2: to say takeaways or like mindset shifts that I would

546
00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:33,080
Speaker 2: add to the list. And the first one is one

547
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:35,680
Speaker 2: of my all I'm like a quote queen. I love quotes,

548
00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:37,560
Speaker 2: but it's one of my all time favorite quotes and

549
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:39,239
Speaker 2: it's something my pastor used to say. He used to

550
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:43,800
Speaker 2: always create these creative sermons with these amazing quotes, and

551
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:49,280
Speaker 2: it was availability does not equal suitability. No, She's like, okay,

552
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:50,680
Speaker 2: so when you dive a bit deeper, and it's like,

553
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:51,640
Speaker 2: what does that really mean?

554
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 6: Right?

555
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:54,040
Speaker 2: It's like, I know, back when I was growing up

556
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,480
Speaker 2: in Philly, you know this, this young girl. You know

557
00:30:57,520 --> 00:30:59,120
Speaker 2: how it is now when you're young, guys will come

558
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 2: over and try to talk to you and you're, oh, no,

559
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:04,960
Speaker 2: no good, you know all that you know. And so

560
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:06,920
Speaker 2: I would be the one that was just like oh

561
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,040
Speaker 2: I felt obligated, like, oh okay, if someone wants to

562
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 2: talk to me, I got to give them my number, right,

563
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:14,000
Speaker 2: And so when you think about availability, it's not equal suitability.

564
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:16,880
Speaker 2: Just because someone is available too, because something is in

565
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,920
Speaker 2: front of you, doesn't mean that it's suitable for you.

566
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:21,360
Speaker 2: Doesn't mean that you have to connect with them. It

567
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:23,080
Speaker 2: doesn't mean that you have to give them your time.

568
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,280
Speaker 2: And so if you think about it, like in real world,

569
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:28,560
Speaker 2: if you go into what's your favorite store, I don't know. J. C.

570
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:31,120
Speaker 2: Penny is super old. I don't even know why mind

571
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:36,880
Speaker 2: I was my grandmother. Are they even Pennies even still open?

572
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:37,720
Speaker 5: Victoria's Secret.

573
00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:41,920
Speaker 2: Let's say you see a cute I don't know, lingerie

574
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:44,200
Speaker 2: set or a cute robe, right, and let's say that

575
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:49,600
Speaker 2: it's like an extra extra small but it's cute just

576
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:51,640
Speaker 2: because it's there. Are you going to get it if

577
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:53,959
Speaker 2: it doesn't fit you, like, if it doesn't fit your value.

578
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:57,560
Speaker 2: I mean we're talking about relationships now, your values, your goals,

579
00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 2: like where you want to go. It's why compatible not compatible?

580
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 2: And so it reminded me like, oh, I should probably

581
00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:07,960
Speaker 2: not try to force relationships when there's like what are

582
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:09,520
Speaker 2: we doing? You know, like, what are you bringing to

583
00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:12,320
Speaker 2: the table? Are we even compatible? You're not suitable for me.

584
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:17,400
Speaker 2: So that's one, okay. The second is people will treat

585
00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:20,040
Speaker 2: you the way you allow them to. I know we

586
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,600
Speaker 2: all heard that before, Yes, we've all heard that, but

587
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:27,600
Speaker 2: I actually realized this. I tested this out like in action, right.

588
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:30,360
Speaker 2: So I always had a tough time speaking up for

589
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:34,480
Speaker 2: myself growing up, very tough time, like being assertive. And

590
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:37,160
Speaker 2: I remember there was a guy that I was dating

591
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:41,600
Speaker 2: in school and he would always like he would say

592
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:43,800
Speaker 2: little smart things and it was like kind of hurt

593
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:45,480
Speaker 2: my feelings, but I didn't want to say anything about it.

594
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:47,160
Speaker 2: He would say little smart things and he would treat

595
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,160
Speaker 2: me a certain way that I didn't really like. And

596
00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:50,840
Speaker 2: as I began again, this was the time that I

597
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:53,440
Speaker 2: was building myself up. I began to build up my confidence.

598
00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:55,280
Speaker 2: I was like, you know what, I'm going to tell

599
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:57,240
Speaker 2: him that I have a problem with what he's saying.

600
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,640
Speaker 2: And so I addressed. I approached him, in addressed the situation,

601
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:05,520
Speaker 2: and he said something domb that made me almost passed out.

602
00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:07,840
Speaker 2: I was just so blown away. And he literally said

603
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:10,400
Speaker 2: and he said, oh, one, I didn't I did not

604
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,720
Speaker 2: know that was hurting your feelings. And he's like, I

605
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:14,560
Speaker 2: only did it because you did. You didn't say anything,

606
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:16,040
Speaker 2: You just let me do it. So I figured it

607
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:19,680
Speaker 2: was okay. And I was like, zam, like I had

608
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:22,920
Speaker 2: all this power, that's real, all this power and didn't

609
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 2: even realize it. So people will do what we allow

610
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 2: them to. We tell the world how to treat us.

611
00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:32,320
Speaker 2: What you allow is what is going to continue.

612
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:36,840
Speaker 3: That's an amazing, amazing point. To add to that, I

613
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:41,280
Speaker 3: want to like tie that into refreshing our steps that

614
00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 3: we mentioned, So journaling those thoughts and feelings right, because

615
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:53,400
Speaker 3: if you have that instance where someone tells you about

616
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 3: yourself and you find yourself feeling the feelings, it's okay

617
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:03,440
Speaker 3: to write about it. It's helpful to write about it,

618
00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:09,880
Speaker 3: to acknowledge and to kind of memorialize, remember what was

619
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:12,560
Speaker 3: said to you on that day, so that you can

620
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:16,520
Speaker 3: come back to that and say, yes, let me refresh

621
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:17,560
Speaker 3: my memory on.

622
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:19,600
Speaker 5: Why I don't need to talk to this person anymore.

623
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,279
Speaker 5: The next thing is.

624
00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:28,400
Speaker 3: Investing time in your hobbies, so again making sure that

625
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:32,080
Speaker 3: you are doing the things that truly bring you joy.

626
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:38,200
Speaker 3: Like I mentioned before, let yourself feel the feelings but

627
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:42,960
Speaker 3: don't act on them. And then spending time with friends

628
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:47,360
Speaker 3: and family, because those people who truly love and support

629
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:52,880
Speaker 3: you and who you allow to love and support you

630
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:57,680
Speaker 3: will continue to do so. And then the final thing

631
00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:02,480
Speaker 3: that we hadn't mentioned but I almost kind of feel

632
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:06,920
Speaker 3: goals without saying, is to seek the help of a

633
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:13,520
Speaker 3: mental health professional if you really know that having that

634
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:17,760
Speaker 3: assistance will further your healing process.

635
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:21,600
Speaker 7: I agree, dom and I actually did go to therapy

636
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:24,360
Speaker 7: in the midst of that situation and that that was

637
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:26,600
Speaker 7: a pretty cool experience for me the first time in therapy.

638
00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:29,720
Speaker 7: But yeah, I agree, hands down. And I will say.

639
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:33,440
Speaker 2: That relationships, toxic relationships in particular, can definitely be a

640
00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:37,239
Speaker 2: tricky situation to talk about, and so we would love

641
00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:37,920
Speaker 2: to hear from.

642
00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:38,360
Speaker 5: You, ladies.

643
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,200
Speaker 2: So we'd love for you to head on over to

644
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:43,640
Speaker 2: iTunes and leave us a review to let us know

645
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 2: what you think about the content so far in our podcast.

646
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:49,680
Speaker 2: This is episode four, so leave us feedback on what

647
00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:52,399
Speaker 2: we can do to improve what you like so far

648
00:35:52,719 --> 00:35:54,960
Speaker 2: and be honest with us. We want to hear from.

649
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:58,440
Speaker 3: You and thanks for joining us today in her Space.

650
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:03,920
Speaker 3: Please note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,

651
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:07,400
Speaker 3: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no

652
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,600
Speaker 3: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal

653
00:36:10,640 --> 00:36:14,840
Speaker 3: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you or

654
00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:17,440
Speaker 3: someone you know is in need of mental health care,

655
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:21,720
Speaker 3: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today

656
00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:24,400
Speaker 3: or contact your insurance provider.

657
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:27,719
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

658
00:36:27,719 --> 00:36:32,480
Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

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Speaker 2: Twitter at her Space podcast or check out our website

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00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:43,200
Speaker 2: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat

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00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:47,600
Speaker 2: after me, I am not defined by where I come

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00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:51,920
Speaker 2: from or what happened to me. I get to create

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Speaker 2: my own destiny.

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Speaker 5: Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next week, Lady

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Speaker 5: O