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Speaker 1: So it is days after my mother passed away, and

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Speaker 1: this has been an incredible journey. I have realized that

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Speaker 1: people don't really talk about death and grief in a

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Speaker 1: digestible way. I'm finding that out from a lot of people.

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Speaker 1: I'm finding out. I mean, I've never had a response

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Speaker 1: to anything like I've had to divorce and death. And

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Speaker 1: I'm seeing that there are a lot of similarities and

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Speaker 1: not just parallels, but like these two topics are converging

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Speaker 1: because many people have chosen certain types of partners as

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Speaker 1: a result of their childhood, and the types of messages

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Speaker 1: that I'm getting are about generational trauma, meaning you know,

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Speaker 1: the parents that you had and the dynamics that you

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Speaker 1: experienced as a child, if they were traumatic or very damaging,

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Speaker 1: and then really getting into thinking about their childhoods and

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Speaker 1: there's anger and there's confusion, and there's compassion, and there's

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Speaker 1: being closed off. And I mentioned that I literally have

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Speaker 1: lived nowhere but in my childhood for the first time

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Speaker 1: in forty five years, in so many different ways, and

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Speaker 1: you kind of put it all through a strainer, and

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Speaker 1: with any luck, you end up with the good because

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Speaker 1: you end up being compassionate about the fact that if

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Speaker 1: someone was so miserable that they would abuse you and

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Speaker 1: be mean to you and abuse themselves and be self destructive.

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Speaker 1: You know, they're filled with toxinsotional toxins, physical toxins, disease

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Speaker 1: and addictions, and like they cannot contain it, and so

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Speaker 1: they dump it on you. And I realize that, you know,

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Speaker 1: parents dump so much on their children, even good parents,

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Speaker 1: and the kids wear it and you have to be

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Speaker 1: very aware of that. And I want to also talk

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Speaker 1: about motherhood more, and I want to talk about some

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Speaker 1: stuff that has been happening with myself and my daughter.

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Speaker 1: But basically the letters that I've been getting and the

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Speaker 1: emails I've never I mean divorce, it's been divorced and

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Speaker 1: traumatic experiences, Like no one was talking about divorce in

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Speaker 1: this type of way. They're illogical way sometimes it's psychological way,

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Speaker 1: but in a very like traumatic way, and how to

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Speaker 1: deal with it, how to manage it logistically and then

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Speaker 1: also emotionally. So as I mentioned in my post, I've

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Speaker 1: been grieving this horrendous trauma, the worst of my whole life,

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Speaker 1: the most significant loss. And also I was getting so

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Speaker 1: many messages about divorce that we are going to come

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Speaker 1: back with divorce in the next couple of weeks, and

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Speaker 1: that I'm reading all your messages, but I am am

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Speaker 1: moved by these messages about your life, your lives, your life.

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Speaker 1: I'm reading them, I'm seeing them, you know, and I

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Speaker 1: know that I'm this is freeing you and you do

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Speaker 1: not feel alone, and you feel seen and you are seen.

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Speaker 1: So and I am certainly not an expert on death

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Speaker 1: or grief, like I am divorced, but I've had my

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Speaker 1: own way of doing it, and i will share it

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Speaker 1: with you because it's been a different way than I've

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Speaker 1: seen other people do or I've done in the past.

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Speaker 1: And there are many brands of death, so they're brand.

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Speaker 1: One brand is you had a person lives a very

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Speaker 1: long life. They're at ninety eight years old. You had

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Speaker 1: a good relationship with them, and it's so sad and

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Speaker 1: they were around for so long and you can't believe

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Speaker 1: it's over. But there's some peace to it, there's some meaning.

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Speaker 1: There's a brand where someone's very sick and it's been

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Speaker 1: torturous and you feel guilty that for years you were

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Speaker 1: a caretaker and that you wanted it to be over,

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Speaker 1: and that's a level of guilt you know, there's grieving

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Speaker 1: when God forbid someone who passes before their time or

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Speaker 1: before you and you're older, or something like that. Like

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Speaker 1: that's like traumatic, or God forbid an accident, or someone

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Speaker 1: takes their own life. I mean, there were so many

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Speaker 1: different brands, you know, frustration. Lorie Peterson and I have

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Speaker 1: been messaging back and forth from Orange County. So there

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Speaker 1: are many brands of death. And I, as a kid,

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Speaker 1: never really experienced death because I didn't really have a

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Speaker 1: family for most of my life and so I didn't

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Speaker 1: hadn't had people around me that had really died. And

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Speaker 1: I always this is going to sound strange, but not envied,

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Speaker 1: but like I felt left out with people that had

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Speaker 1: had family members pass away because they were going through

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Speaker 1: something and I was always like I didn't understand it.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't relate to it. I didn't know what it

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Speaker 1: would feel like, you know, grief. And my dog Cookie passing,

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Speaker 1: which will become relevant later, was a traumatic event. My

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Speaker 1: dog lived eighteen years and she was a family member

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Speaker 1: because I did, as I've now been more open about,

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Speaker 1: I haven't had family. And when Dennis, my ex and

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Speaker 1: a friend of thirty years, passed, it was it was

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Speaker 1: it was a brand of death. It was it was

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Speaker 1: feeling guilty because he loved me so much and would

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Speaker 1: send me these love letters, and some of them were

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Speaker 1: not lucid. And it was over the course of years,

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Speaker 1: and there was a lot that I didn't know and understand,

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Speaker 1: and and I was frustrated and blamed myself, thought I

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Speaker 1: could have done something, blamed other people because I was

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Speaker 1: open about certain things to them and felt that they

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Speaker 1: didn't do it. I mean, you go through a million things,

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Speaker 1: and the stages of grief is a very true thing,

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Speaker 1: and they're not all the same for everybody. They say

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Speaker 1: the stages, but they don't have to be in order

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Speaker 1: and they don't have to all happen. And so this

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Speaker 1: brand of death is a different brand than I had

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Speaker 1: ever heard of, than I had ever experienced, and that

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Speaker 1: many of you hadn't really thought about. And now people

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Speaker 1: that I know and people that I don't know are

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Speaker 1: reaching out and it's making them think differently, and it's

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Speaker 1: it's it's having meaning because I am telling people that

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Speaker 1: I know and also people that I don't know, when

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Speaker 1: I hear their story, it is not going to be

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Speaker 1: what you think it's going to be. This brand, this

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Speaker 1: particular brand, this generational trauma brand. Complicated being a very

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Speaker 1: understated word for this brand of death with a person

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Speaker 1: that's supposed to be the most significant safe relationship in

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Speaker 1: your life, dying is not what you expect. I know

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Speaker 1: other people that haven't spoken to certain family members, have

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Speaker 1: estranged relationships. They've put it in a drawer, like me,

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Speaker 1: They've locked it. They don't think about it. Days could

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Speaker 1: go by. You don't think about this person. You are

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Speaker 1: positive they are gone from your life, so you will

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Speaker 1: not when they die. It will just be something that

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Speaker 1: just happens. Like my father died and it made me

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Speaker 1: very very sad that he never really wanted anything to

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Speaker 1: do with me and was very dismissive of me. My

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Speaker 1: real father, I call him, because I had a stepfather

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Speaker 1: that was more of a father and more significant. He

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Speaker 1: had a lot of issues and he is very old

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Speaker 1: and also very sick, and I'm just waiting for that

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Speaker 1: shoe to drop and then me to be under the

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Speaker 1: couch for a month. But that was the most significant

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Speaker 1: male relationship in my life was my stepfather. Because when

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Speaker 1: my mother was away and left for months at a time,

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Speaker 1: and when she went to a mental institution, and when

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Speaker 1: she had just left and had a boyfriend somewhere in

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Speaker 1: Wales and wasn't at my graduation, she just decided not

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Speaker 1: to go. All these times he was there, and so

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to attach to him when I was

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Speaker 1: young because I didn't really want him around, and he

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Speaker 1: was problematic. He did end up getting his ship more

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Speaker 1: together and was more of a solid figure, and he

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Speaker 1: had a lot of problems. He had left a family before,

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Speaker 1: and then I became his family, and I was sort

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Speaker 1: of a way for him to like show my mother

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Speaker 1: how much he would love her and take care of

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Speaker 1: her because he was obsessed with her, as everybody was.

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Speaker 1: So I was really with him more and he was compassionate.

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Speaker 1: He was certainly very problematic. But when my real father died,

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Speaker 1: someone who really kind of just left me when I

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Speaker 1: was young, they were in a relationship, he didn't treat

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Speaker 1: me right. I went back to my mother into the

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Speaker 1: arms of the next man, who was my stepfather, who

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Speaker 1: was the most significant relationship. This is still in the

147
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Speaker 1: formative years, which we'll get into, because I did not

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Speaker 1: realize until recently that between zero and eight is when

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Speaker 1: you're formed as a person. So if you had some

150
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Speaker 1: good memories and some love before your parent fell off

151
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Speaker 1: the rails, you know you might have a shot. And

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Speaker 1: so so that that real father, when he died of cancer,

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Speaker 1: it was unresolved, and it was definitely why didn't he

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Speaker 1: love me? And for years I tried to get his love,

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Speaker 1: and for years he abandoned and dropped me and was

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Speaker 1: mean to me. I mean I had two parents be

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Speaker 1: very very mean to me, said me and things to me.

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Speaker 1: To the day when he died, I thought I was

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Speaker 1: going to get some sort of resolution. And a friend

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Speaker 1: of mine who was friends with him because people again

161
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Speaker 1: glamorized him and worshiped him, and he always dated younger,

162
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Speaker 1: pretty people, and he was a Hall of fame horse trainer,

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Speaker 1: and I used to beg for his affection. I used

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Speaker 1: to pretend publicly that like I was the daughter of

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Speaker 1: Bobby Frankel, because I wanted them to think that I

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Speaker 1: was somebody and like that I could go to the

167
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Speaker 1: Kentucky Derby and I could like be that. My stepfather, John,

168
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Speaker 1: who wasn't as successful a trainer, but still successful, he

169
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Speaker 1: included me. He took me, He took me to Saratoga

170
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Speaker 1: and like put me in the Winter Circle pictures. My

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Speaker 1: real father, who was the real success, which was a

172
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Speaker 1: big rivalry between those two men always discarded me. And

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Speaker 1: one year I went with an ex fiance to the

174
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Speaker 1: Kentucky Derby and he got the ticket. He brought me there,

175
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Speaker 1: and the tickets are a fortune. And I called my

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Speaker 1: father to ask him if he could get his tickets

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Speaker 1: and he said he blew us off, and he said no,

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Speaker 1: and he didn't have any, and this is always how

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Speaker 1: he goes, I don't have any. He was very He

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Speaker 1: also was scathing. So I had two scathing parents, which

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Speaker 1: will explain my personality a little bit, like I have

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Speaker 1: to try to tone it down, and I think this

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Speaker 1: will significantly change me. I've been hardened by the racetrack

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Speaker 1: and by two very scathing parents and the abuse and

185
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Speaker 1: everything else. But we showed up at the races that

186
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Speaker 1: day and I overheard my father, because we had to

187
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Speaker 1: buy tickets. I overheard him saying to other people, I

188
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Speaker 1: have all these tickets. I don't know what I'm gonna

189
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Speaker 1: do with them. I could probably sell them or something.

190
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Speaker 1: He was just mean my whole life, and he was

191
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Speaker 1: a mean person, and everybody could glamorize it the way

192
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Speaker 1: that they want to. He was very successful. He was

193
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Speaker 1: very good friends with Joe Tory, the guy from the Yankees,

194
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Speaker 1: who also ended up disliking me, not knowing me whatsoever,

195
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Speaker 1: because people thought that my father, who was enamored with

196
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Speaker 1: some fame, like he was enamored with the Joe Torris

197
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Speaker 1: and baseball because the trainers were the like the workers,

198
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Speaker 1: even though they, you know, the owners were the rich

199
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Speaker 1: blue bloods and the owners and a lot of celebrities

200
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Speaker 1: hang out around racetracks. And my father was a god,

201
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Speaker 1: but he was a really mean, mean person, and he

202
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Speaker 1: was mean to me to the last breath through through

203
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Speaker 1: the baby cam like that thing that you can hear.

204
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Speaker 1: My father's friend who's my friend, also heard it, heard

205
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Speaker 1: how mean he was to me, and that the first

206
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Speaker 1: time he got a glimpse into what I my pain

207
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Speaker 1: for all my years, and it was validation, like because

208
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Speaker 1: people see different sides to people. And I've heard people

209
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Speaker 1: in the letters that you guys have written me tell

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Speaker 1: me that your mother or you know, a parent was

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Speaker 1: you know, cold to you, couldn't connect to you what

212
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Speaker 1: was charming and wonderful to everybody else. And it can,

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Speaker 1: it can really be very sad, so we don't have

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Speaker 1: to get into too much about my real father. But

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Speaker 1: he was not a parent in any any part of

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Speaker 1: the situation. He tried to connect with me at a

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Speaker 1: certain age when he started seeing pictures of me with

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Speaker 1: John Paracella, and I was glad. I was I was

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Speaker 1: enamored by the glamour of that he lived in La

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Speaker 1: and I was watching sixteen Candles. I'm pretty and pink,

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Speaker 1: and I wanted to be out there and thought I

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Speaker 1: was going to live this fabulous life. And he courted me.

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Speaker 1: But once I relinquished and decided to allow my real

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Speaker 1: father to be my father, I put changed my name

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Speaker 1: from Bethany Paracella, which I literally would like to go

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Speaker 1: and change back. I've always hated my name because my

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Speaker 1: father it was like being bougie and like having that

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Speaker 1: name and pretending that he was a father. And it

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Speaker 1: happened in college. I had never legally been Paraslla. It

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Speaker 1: was just that in third grade I went with John

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Speaker 1: Paracella to register at school and they asked my last name,

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Speaker 1: and I felt guilty that it was Frankly, it was

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Speaker 1: on my passport my whole life, and so I said Paracella,

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Speaker 1: and there are so many people in my life that

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Speaker 1: only know me as Beth Paraslla. But so in college

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Speaker 1: because of my stepfather really lashing out at me, every

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Speaker 1: single thing I owned came to my dorm room from

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Speaker 1: my life with my mother and my stepfather. He had

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Speaker 1: physically lashed out at me, and I took the name Frankel,

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Speaker 1: and I leaned in and I wanted my real father

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Speaker 1: to like accept me, like I was gonna now be

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Speaker 1: his daughter. And he dropped me like a hot potato.

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Speaker 1: He wanted nothing to do with me. He literally all

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Speaker 1: the courting. It was like I was a woman that

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Speaker 1: had been courted and just dumped. It was like the

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Speaker 1: dog chases the cat, the cat runs away, the cat

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Speaker 1: chases the dog, the dog runs away. So he was

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Speaker 1: not a great person, and he was really pretty much

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Speaker 1: a piece of shit my whole life. And I tried

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Speaker 1: so hard to write letters and to ask him, and

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Speaker 1: he just really was this cold, detached person. My mother

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Speaker 1: was not detached in that same way. She was miserable

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Speaker 1: and toxic and mean, but she had emotions underneath and

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Speaker 1: would cry and wasn't detached like you could have. You know,

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Speaker 1: she was emotional, but just very erratic. So my real

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Speaker 1: father when he died, it was not the same type

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Speaker 1: of feeling. It just wasn't the same brand it was.

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Speaker 1: My ex was with me, my daughter was in my belly.

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Speaker 1: I tried to make meaning out of it. I took

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Speaker 1: some meaningful things from his house that I still have here.

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Speaker 1: He was hostile in his death. On a Today's Show

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Speaker 1: episode about Father's Day, I said something like, and I

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Speaker 1: don't really have a father, like a throwaway comment, but

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Speaker 1: down deep, I guess he loved me, and he used

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Speaker 1: to watch every single thing that I did, and he

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Speaker 1: used to watch The Apprentice and he rooted for me.

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Speaker 1: But what good is loving someone if you're not going

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Speaker 1: to tell them or remote He just was not capable,

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Speaker 1: which was the problem that my mother had with him,

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Speaker 1: And he never was able to be in relationship because

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Speaker 1: of his generational trauma and his parents and how they were.

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Speaker 1: And when he heard me say that on that show

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Speaker 1: that day, he really cut me off in his mind,

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Speaker 1: cut me off financially, which was a part of the relationship.

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Speaker 1: Like every year, I think he'd send me five hundred

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Speaker 1: dollars for or maybe more for my birthday or twenty

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Speaker 1: five hundred dollars. Fifteen hundred dollars was all the money

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Speaker 1: in the world to me. I waited for it for

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Speaker 1: some reason, because I always have to be fully accountable.

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Speaker 1: For some reason, he agreed to pay fifty thousand dollars

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Speaker 1: for my first wedding. I should have just taken the money.

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Speaker 1: I don't know why he agreed to do that. And

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Speaker 1: there was a negotiation and a debate back and forth

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Speaker 1: about who was going to pay for my college between

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Speaker 1: he and John. So he died and I was I

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Speaker 1: really didn't care that much. It didn't affect me. This

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00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,560
Speaker 1: loss of my mother was a very different brand of death,

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Speaker 1: and I did not expect to experience what I would experience.

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Speaker 1: So the way that I went into this, which was

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Speaker 1: not intentional, just what happened. I'm a loner. Another thing.

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Speaker 1: My father, my real father, was a loaner. He was

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Speaker 1: a loner's whole life. He'd be alone in the house.

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Speaker 1: My mother was a loaner too. It's Kelly Rippa who

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Speaker 1: said to me, that's genetic. And I am a loner

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Speaker 1: a lot. So I intervene in that and I do

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Speaker 1: a lot more than they did. But and like my father,

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Speaker 1: like his work became his social every day you get

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Speaker 1: up and you shower, and you go to the track

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Speaker 1: and you see people and you go to dinner, like

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Speaker 1: so my work and that the Housewives in that way

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00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,240
Speaker 1: was good for me. Reality television was good for me

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Speaker 1: because I would be even in my twenties, I was

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Speaker 1: the one who wanted to like a home early and

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Speaker 1: be in my pajamas and could be alone for days

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Speaker 1: on end and like not tell anybody about it. I

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00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:33,600
Speaker 1: could like not do Thanksgiving because it was triggering me,

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00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,480
Speaker 1: and I'd be alone and I wouldn't tell anybodycause I don't

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Speaker 1: want like anyone to know or feel bad. And some

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Speaker 1: of you can relate to that. The pandemic leaned right

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Speaker 1: into that for me and really like enveloped me in

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Speaker 1: it being okay and normalizing being alone. And so it's

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Speaker 1: taking I'm still it's still taking me a while to

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Speaker 1: get myself out. And so I think that Jewish people

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Speaker 1: in sitting shiva is a good thing. And I was

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Speaker 1: talking actually to Jill Zarin about this, because you grieve

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Speaker 1: for a week. But what I personally don't agree with

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Speaker 1: is the distraction of it. Because when Dennis died I

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Speaker 1: went to the funeral and I remember drinking wine that

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Speaker 1: morning because it was like making me cope. And then

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Speaker 1: I went over to someone's house after that they were

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Speaker 1: having you know, they're starting, I guess to shive at

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Speaker 1: their house. And then you were in your house and

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Speaker 1: people flew into New York and like came to see

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Speaker 1: me and like it does help, and they're visiting, and

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Speaker 1: it's it's you know, if you have a family, you're

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Speaker 1: doing it together. And I'm not. I'm not there's no

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Speaker 1: way to judge anyone's version of how they're going to

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Speaker 1: do this. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just

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Speaker 1: saying if you're a person, that can really distract. Because

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Speaker 1: I had an ex who had a mother who died

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Speaker 1: and we did shive for a week and all we

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00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,880
Speaker 1: did was drink and tell stories and look at pictures,

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00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,800
Speaker 1: and then it was over and then you know, people

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00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,480
Speaker 1: go back to normal life and you've had like a

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00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,800
Speaker 1: social week, and that's jarring. So I have not done

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00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:51,000
Speaker 1: it that way. My daughter came back to me. I

337
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,000
Speaker 1: was supposed to go to a volleyball tournament, and thank

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00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,880
Speaker 1: god she had the volleyball tournament. It was my weekend

339
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,560
Speaker 1: with her. I did not want her to be laying

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00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,080
Speaker 1: with me in misery, and like I didn't want to

341
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,400
Speaker 1: like share that with her. She knew my mother, but

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00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,160
Speaker 1: she had seen her two times in person and done

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00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,920
Speaker 1: art with her and spend time with her. She would

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00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,719
Speaker 1: call her sometimes and send her things, in fact, and

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00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,280
Speaker 1: in fact, when my mother would call, she would really

346
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,040
Speaker 1: just stay to brin like I don't have much to say,

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00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,919
Speaker 1: colostomy bag and I'm this and it's that, and not

348
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,960
Speaker 1: really much good. Like she was selfish in that way too,

349
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,520
Speaker 1: Like she wasn't saying, oh, tell me about what's going

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00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,320
Speaker 1: on outside, or let's talk about your mom when she

351
00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:27,879
Speaker 1: was a little girl, Like my mother was not capable of,

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00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:31,200
Speaker 1: like not being super deep and dumping really adult shit

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00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:33,320
Speaker 1: on my daughter, because that's what she did on me

354
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,360
Speaker 1: my whole life. But my daughter's not equipped for that.

355
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,560
Speaker 1: Like I was an adult at five years old, and

356
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,399
Speaker 1: that's not like when I first found my mother's throwing

357
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,800
Speaker 1: up and found her her her trolley and her laxative

358
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,240
Speaker 1: caddie and would call the cops and see people being beaten,

359
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,280
Speaker 1: you know, with an inch of their life, like and

360
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,919
Speaker 1: was at the racetrack with degenerates and drugs and guns

361
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,639
Speaker 1: like I was an adult. It's just what it is.

362
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,919
Speaker 1: I'm not complaining, no poor me. I'm just saying, like,

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00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,399
Speaker 1: my daughter's not that person, and I can get into that.

364
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,200
Speaker 1: And how I described this to her yesterday, you could

365
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,720
Speaker 1: see she doesn't even have the emotional bandwidth to hear

366
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,320
Speaker 1: the stories of my childhood, which have been very watered

367
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,840
Speaker 1: down but just need to be explained so she doesn't

368
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,920
Speaker 1: wonder why her mom never had a relationship with her mom,

369
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,240
Speaker 1: and now her mom's dead, and now her mom's mom

370
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,080
Speaker 1: is dead, and now her mom is crying and wait,

371
00:18:18,119 --> 00:18:21,400
Speaker 1: you could have been like trying to very very dilute

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00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:24,600
Speaker 1: it down and fold into the batter some stories of

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Speaker 1: my life and how it wasn't great. I mean, she's

374
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,159
Speaker 1: old enough to understand to realize that, not to process it.

375
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,199
Speaker 1: But I didn't want her. I was so happy she

376
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,600
Speaker 1: had this volleyball tournament. I actually there was a moment

377
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:36,960
Speaker 1: when I thought like I was going to be there,

378
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,879
Speaker 1: like that's psychotic now realizing what I've gone through, But

379
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,040
Speaker 1: I like put her somewhere, and I was so happy,

380
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,800
Speaker 1: and she won a medal, which of course I had

381
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,639
Speaker 1: placed meaning on and she came back on Sunday and

382
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,719
Speaker 1: she had all her stuff and she was exhausted, and

383
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,560
Speaker 1: you know, she hugged me and we had ramen together

384
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:54,960
Speaker 1: and it was a distraction and I was glad for it.

385
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,240
Speaker 1: And I made her this amazing cinnamon roll in the

386
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,359
Speaker 1: morning that I like wanted to I was so tired

387
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,239
Speaker 1: of because I was three hours a night, but like

388
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,760
Speaker 1: just was paranoid that I wouldn't wake up and be

389
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,919
Speaker 1: able to make her this big, like gold belly cinnamon

390
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,560
Speaker 1: roll of strawberry frosting, and like she's like, I love you, mamma,

391
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,280
Speaker 1: can I U can? We hug and we hugged, and

392
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,679
Speaker 1: you know, and and just showing I've she has been

393
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,679
Speaker 1: showing her pictures of my mom. Like I haven't dumped

394
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,920
Speaker 1: the whole bag of shit on her at all, but it's,

395
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,600
Speaker 1: you know, she's getting it. She's very emotionally, you know,

396
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,679
Speaker 1: intelligent and and so off she went to school and

397
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,560
Speaker 1: then she went to her dad for a couple of days,

398
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,080
Speaker 1: and so that was good too. So I have been

399
00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:32,320
Speaker 1: alone in my house. I have people that work here

400
00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:34,600
Speaker 1: that I've been with me for years, that I love,

401
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,080
Speaker 1: that have gone through their own losses and have experienced

402
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,240
Speaker 1: the dentist losses of me that you know, it's made

403
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,760
Speaker 1: meaning there because I've thought about them and their children

404
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,280
Speaker 1: and the things that they've gone through and how they're

405
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,280
Speaker 1: always for me and they're my family, but like they're

406
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,919
Speaker 1: not really my family, meaning in the sense that like

407
00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:51,800
Speaker 1: I don't live in their house. And we started talking

408
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,800
Speaker 1: about some of their traumas and things that have happened

409
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:57,080
Speaker 1: for them. And I have always you know, Laney's been

410
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,600
Speaker 1: in my life for so many years. I've always said

411
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,359
Speaker 1: she's in my will. But like saying that, I mean

412
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,439
Speaker 1: God forbid dropping dead tomorrow and her not being and

413
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,080
Speaker 1: my will are not the same thing. And so I

414
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:08,160
Speaker 1: like started to take the action with my you know, team,

415
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,560
Speaker 1: to like actually put them in my will and in

416
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,480
Speaker 1: my like what's going to happen to them? And they're old,

417
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,320
Speaker 1: They've spent all these years working with me, and like,

418
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,560
Speaker 1: you know, like are they going to be are they

419
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,879
Speaker 1: going to be protected? What's most important to them is it?

420
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,480
Speaker 1: Are they worried about being old and alone? No, because

421
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,760
Speaker 1: some of them have big families. They you know, is

422
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,840
Speaker 1: Laney worried that her son is not going to be

423
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:27,480
Speaker 1: able to go to college? Does she want that for him?

424
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,680
Speaker 1: Like what what worries her? And I didn't want to

425
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,480
Speaker 1: make her feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, but for her to

426
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:34,919
Speaker 1: talk to, you know, my business people about like what

427
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:38,040
Speaker 1: you know, how they can be protected, like my home

428
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,080
Speaker 1: version of whatever a retirement account is, and like a

429
00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:42,720
Speaker 1: will and things like that. You know. It was like

430
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,720
Speaker 1: Lane's going to be in a Rolls Royce. When I

431
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,640
Speaker 1: dropped dead, I was alone the whole week. I was alone,

432
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:53,080
Speaker 1: listening to seventies, you know, Carol King radio and like

433
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:57,600
Speaker 1: having memories of Barry Mann alone. My first album it

434
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,520
Speaker 1: was the Big White one that opened and had like

435
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,159
Speaker 1: three parts to it, and I wore it down and

436
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:06,399
Speaker 1: Neil Diamond and Carly Simon and James Taylor and airs

437
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,879
Speaker 1: supply and it brought back a lot of memories. There

438
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:12,000
Speaker 1: were some songs I absolutely couldn't couldn't listen to, and

439
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:16,760
Speaker 1: and I took nature walks and reconnected and connected with

440
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,080
Speaker 1: my area because I don't have a good relationship with exercise.

441
00:21:20,119 --> 00:21:22,200
Speaker 1: And I'm always envious to people who like every morning

442
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,520
Speaker 1: they just worked out, and you know I do that

443
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,600
Speaker 1: in the Hamptons. I go on my beach walks, and

444
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,040
Speaker 1: it opened up this I couldn't say in my house.

445
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,560
Speaker 1: So every day, twice a day, I would like put

446
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,399
Speaker 1: my big hat on and put the Carol King radio

447
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,800
Speaker 1: on and listen to Barry Manilow and everybody nothing modern.

448
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:43,679
Speaker 1: I literally did not crave. I was like rejecting anything current,

449
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:47,320
Speaker 1: anything like there could be the way we were, like

450
00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:50,159
Speaker 1: a gaga could slip in because it like is nostalgic

451
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,439
Speaker 1: from the way we were, but like nothing, and I

452
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,200
Speaker 1: didn't want any of it. And I cried on these

453
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,879
Speaker 1: walks and I connected with nature and my lived in

454
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,680
Speaker 1: my childhood, and through this week decided that I was

455
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,760
Speaker 1: going to finally go visit Saratoga, where I went as

456
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,400
Speaker 1: a kid, and I was gonna take Brin back there

457
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,800
Speaker 1: because I have not been willing to revisit there. I've

458
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,560
Speaker 1: never gone back because it was the only escape from

459
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:12,600
Speaker 1: this hell. And we would have one month and there

460
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,280
Speaker 1: would always the would still be fights up there, but

461
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,200
Speaker 1: I don't remember there being a lot of like police

462
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,320
Speaker 1: level fights. I remember everybody just being happy up there

463
00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:21,320
Speaker 1: for that one month, and my mother wasn't always there.

464
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,480
Speaker 1: But like I said, those drives up there, the memories

465
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,879
Speaker 1: are chill my skin like, and Saratoga's changed so much.

466
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,679
Speaker 1: It's not a place that's nostalgic anymore. It's very commercial

467
00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:33,359
Speaker 1: and like it used to be so farm stand and

468
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,800
Speaker 1: so provincial, and so I like have it in a

469
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,280
Speaker 1: time capsule, and I just haven't wanted to go this

470
00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:41,560
Speaker 1: place dairy house that had this like soft custard with

471
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,719
Speaker 1: so many flavors that we used to go to, and like,

472
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,159
Speaker 1: I have all these memories, so all these memories were

473
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,280
Speaker 1: flooding in that I never had because the music was

474
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:51,200
Speaker 1: connected to the memories. And my version of sitting Shiva

475
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,639
Speaker 1: was a week of just being alone and really like

476
00:22:55,080 --> 00:23:00,359
Speaker 1: you know, having compassion and forgiving and going there real

477
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,600
Speaker 1: and doing therapy, realizing that if your formative years or

478
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,320
Speaker 1: zero to eight, that like that's why these are so strong,

479
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:11,240
Speaker 1: like these memories and you know, and that's also when

480
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,040
Speaker 1: it was like bad. But I just you know, I

481
00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:16,280
Speaker 1: had my own version. Today's the first day I've washed

482
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,560
Speaker 1: my hair. And it's funny because I was looking I

483
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,600
Speaker 1: was I showered to say, have my grandma's sweater on,

484
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,080
Speaker 1: and I was thinking, like I was listening to the

485
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,160
Speaker 1: song You're so vain and there's a line in You're

486
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,399
Speaker 1: So Vain from Carly Simon about Saratoga, and I was

487
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:31,600
Speaker 1: thinking about how I'm not so vain and people comment

488
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,480
Speaker 1: on that that I'm willing to be like just look

489
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:37,600
Speaker 1: like this and not you know, care. And my mother

490
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,520
Speaker 1: was not pretentious or superficial. She was vain, but she

491
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,400
Speaker 1: was the one wearing overalls to the you know, during

492
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,080
Speaker 1: the day all the time. She never had makeup on,

493
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:48,280
Speaker 1: like you know, there are a lot of similarities with

494
00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:50,680
Speaker 1: myself and her. She didn't wasn't vain in that way.

495
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:55,040
Speaker 1: She was internally like you know, with a disorder pain vein,

496
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,119
Speaker 1: like it was just she just that addiction and that

497
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:01,960
Speaker 1: bolimia just just ruled her entire life and killed her.

498
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,480
Speaker 1: And it's crazy that the one thing that she was

499
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,199
Speaker 1: so vain about was the thing that rotted her. And

500
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,199
Speaker 1: I have a different relationship to age now. You know,

501
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,120
Speaker 1: people used to think that you were in your late

502
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,320
Speaker 1: thirty your thirties and like you were done, like you

503
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:16,280
Speaker 1: were look old. And she thought she was old at forty,

504
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:18,520
Speaker 1: I mean, and she started to look old at forty

505
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,080
Speaker 1: because of what she was doing to her body and

506
00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:23,080
Speaker 1: destroying herself. But like it's hard for me because I'm

507
00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:27,359
Speaker 1: having a rebirth right now, like I'm healing generational trauma

508
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,000
Speaker 1: right now, and I am at an age where I

509
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:33,280
Speaker 1: looked at her as so old, and so there's a

510
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:37,280
Speaker 1: lot of guilt, a lot of guilt, like, you know,

511
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,960
Speaker 1: I don't like me. I want to fix everything, and

512
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,359
Speaker 1: my therapist says, I fix everything. I go there's a

513
00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:44,560
Speaker 1: problem in the Hampton's right now with encampments, and like

514
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:47,320
Speaker 1: I've got my team there, palettes of aid. There's something

515
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,600
Speaker 1: going on in Puerto Rico, like I saw it. Why

516
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 1: you know, why couldn't I go to Florida and just

517
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:55,400
Speaker 1: be like, I'm gonna like solve this, and you're gonna

518
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,679
Speaker 1: go into this type of rehab and you're gonna be like,

519
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,800
Speaker 1: I don't know. And I was scared to do that

520
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:02,480
Speaker 1: and I didn't even know to do that, and I

521
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,920
Speaker 1: had so much anger for my life. You know, it's

522
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:09,320
Speaker 1: like it's Monday morning quarterback. Listen. She had a friend,

523
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,159
Speaker 1: she had a good friend who knew nothing about this,

524
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:13,560
Speaker 1: so she compartment mentalized this enough that she had a

525
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:19,160
Speaker 1: friend that is in that house showing me Cartier giant

526
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:21,600
Speaker 1: pearl earrings that we've like I've put next to pictures

527
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,560
Speaker 1: at my confirmation Tiffany Pearls and I mentioned the brands

528
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,040
Speaker 1: because I didn't realize, Like she's the one who made

529
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 1: my stepfather like into nice things and cultured all of

530
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:35,480
Speaker 1: us with like knowing what things were and like disco music,

531
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 1: which I wasn't even allowed. I realized that too. My

532
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:42,040
Speaker 1: mother was living at Studio fifty four as Studio fifty

533
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,720
Speaker 1: four when I was growing up, That's when she was

534
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:47,639
Speaker 1: going out partying, and like I lived for disco. I

535
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,120
Speaker 1: had a secret life on hot skates. No one at

536
00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:52,239
Speaker 1: my school they would have made fun of me. They

537
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,200
Speaker 1: all were into the doors. Everybody that went to Saint

538
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,400
Speaker 1: Agnes and sixth and seventh and eight, you know grade

539
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,840
Speaker 1: there was no disco. I had a secret life of disco.

540
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,960
Speaker 1: No one knew about Indian food, No one knew about sushi.

541
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 1: My mother was living this Like she went to f

542
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 1: I t she went to Pratt, she went to Parsons.

543
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,040
Speaker 1: She was like this like fabulous person. I don't know

544
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:10,040
Speaker 1: where she got it from. It's like amazing to see that,

545
00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:13,119
Speaker 1: Like she left her house at sixteen and just found fabulosity.

546
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:16,080
Speaker 1: It really really is and I've been talking a lot

547
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:19,399
Speaker 1: about well. First, Brenne and I decided together, we came

548
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:23,040
Speaker 1: up with a good solution for her ashes her friend

549
00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,879
Speaker 1: in Florida. I got her someone to take care of

550
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 1: her for the last couple of years. And this woman

551
00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:28,640
Speaker 1: is like, you need to come here, and you need

552
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,359
Speaker 1: to do this here, you know all this, And I

553
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:31,880
Speaker 1: was feeling guilty because I was feeling like, I don't

554
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:32,959
Speaker 1: want to go in that. I don't think I can

555
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,080
Speaker 1: handle going in that apartment. But then why should I

556
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,320
Speaker 1: go there? And her friend, her actual friend of eleven years,

557
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,720
Speaker 1: was like, no, she hated and I remember that she

558
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:43,080
Speaker 1: hated Florida as a kid, And this makes me sad too.

559
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,480
Speaker 1: I said to her friend, why did she move to Florida.

560
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:48,040
Speaker 1: She hated Flora. She never went out, she didn't go swim,

561
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:49,760
Speaker 1: she didn't go to the beach, She couldn't give a shit.

562
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:52,200
Speaker 1: And this woman said, because she wanted to go somewherehere

563
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 1: no one knew her, which also broke my heart. Like

564
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,960
Speaker 1: a picture that this woman sent me of her, this

565
00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:01,240
Speaker 1: beautiful specimen of all those that had all the all

566
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,440
Speaker 1: the opportunity and just continue to choose the wrong men

567
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:07,720
Speaker 1: and devolve. You know, men are such a massive theme

568
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:12,360
Speaker 1: and and and devolve that this man the last man

569
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,199
Speaker 1: that beat her, and there were police reports that this

570
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:17,280
Speaker 1: her friend found and before that was an alcoholic. Like

571
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,720
Speaker 1: the male choices were just always driven by how someone

572
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,639
Speaker 1: loved her, never how she loved them. Something that is

573
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 1: like genetic, like something that has been a massive theme

574
00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:29,520
Speaker 1: in my life. And you know, my daughter, there'll be

575
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:32,199
Speaker 1: a boy in school and she'll say, ex likes me

576
00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:35,399
Speaker 1: a lot of many times, and she's never seen anything

577
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:38,199
Speaker 1: about this with me, Like this is like it's like

578
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:41,960
Speaker 1: in our weaving of the souls. As Michael Caponi, my

579
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,399
Speaker 1: philanthropy partner, said, you know, my daughter will say this

580
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,800
Speaker 1: person likes me. I'm like, okay, do you like them?

581
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,480
Speaker 1: Like I'm you know, trying to break these chains by

582
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,000
Speaker 1: also saying like, it's great that someone likes you. And yes,

583
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:55,840
Speaker 1: it's great someone be chivalrous and like you first and

584
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:58,359
Speaker 1: write the Valentine first or whatever happens. But like, ultimately

585
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:02,200
Speaker 1: someone else cannot love or like you enough for you

586
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:04,359
Speaker 1: to like them like or love them like it's not

587
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:06,840
Speaker 1: that's not how this thing is gonna work. And I

588
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:10,760
Speaker 1: realize now that like it's because she came from an

589
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:14,320
Speaker 1: abusive household with a father that was a tyrant, and

590
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,920
Speaker 1: so she just went out and wanted love, like if

591
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,920
Speaker 1: someone would love her enough. John Paracela love bombing, he lived,

592
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,719
Speaker 1: love bombed her all those Cardier stuff and those pearls

593
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:25,040
Speaker 1: and everything, but she couldn't even afford himself, like she

594
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,440
Speaker 1: was this woman who was so stunning and perfect, like

595
00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:30,240
Speaker 1: he wanted to like, you know, and same with Bobby,

596
00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:32,920
Speaker 1: Like she didn't really love these guys, and she really

597
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:36,200
Speaker 1: she loved one of the guys after you know, before

598
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:38,040
Speaker 1: the monster. This like one guy, but he was an

599
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,400
Speaker 1: alcoholic and she was attracted to that for that reasons,

600
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,200
Speaker 1: Like we have to intervene in our lives and think

601
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:44,800
Speaker 1: about why we're choosing people. The game is moving very

602
00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 1: quickly when you are choosing people, but you have to

603
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,960
Speaker 1: find a way to think about why and and and so,

604
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 1: like I'm thinking about that for my own life, Like

605
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,680
Speaker 1: you just want people, you know, several of my axes

606
00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:01,200
Speaker 1: have said to me or friends have said to me,

607
00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:04,760
Speaker 1: about these people. You're never gonna find someone who's going

608
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:06,840
Speaker 1: to love you as much as they do. And one

609
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:08,480
Speaker 1: of my exes said to me, you will never find

610
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,160
Speaker 1: someone who will love you as much as I will,

611
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:13,080
Speaker 1: pleading with me to be with them, and as a

612
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:18,400
Speaker 1: person who had no real parents or parental structure, like, yes,

613
00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:20,280
Speaker 1: take me. I want to be loved. I want to

614
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:21,640
Speaker 1: be loved. To give it to me, you love, Yes,

615
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:23,840
Speaker 1: I believe you. I believe in I believe it. No

616
00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:26,640
Speaker 1: one's gonna love how No one loved me as a child.

617
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:28,880
Speaker 1: Why would anyone else love me more than this person

618
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:31,200
Speaker 1: who wants to be my family? And then it gets

619
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:34,200
Speaker 1: layered that like with my ex Peter, who I married

620
00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:36,200
Speaker 1: like his parents. I loved his parents. His mother was

621
00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:38,760
Speaker 1: like a mother to me. Mary and Sussman was like

622
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:41,560
Speaker 1: a mother to me. She took me wedding dress shopping.

623
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,800
Speaker 1: She would take me and it wasn't about the material things,

624
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:45,680
Speaker 1: but she would take me to go like to where

625
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:47,440
Speaker 1: are we gonna get the wedding test? To get my

626
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:49,600
Speaker 1: makeup done? And she would like take me shopping is

627
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,520
Speaker 1: a you know mother would do. And she would talk

628
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:54,440
Speaker 1: to me and she was funny and like I was

629
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:57,480
Speaker 1: marrying them too, you know, like there are different reasons.

630
00:29:57,520 --> 00:29:58,840
Speaker 1: They may not even be the person you're with. You're

631
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,640
Speaker 1: marrying their family, Like they're different reasons we're making these decisions,

632
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:05,600
Speaker 1: and like I when we broke up, you know, it

633
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:07,640
Speaker 1: broke my heart that I broke her heart because she

634
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,440
Speaker 1: loved me, and I broke her heart, And like they

635
00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:13,120
Speaker 1: don't come from or understand a person from a damaged

636
00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:17,400
Speaker 1: childhood like myself. Brian Koppleman, you know his his mother,

637
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:20,000
Speaker 1: Bunny Coplelman loved me. I was like attracted to her.

638
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:22,400
Speaker 1: You know, you're you're finding these different things. So I

639
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:24,320
Speaker 1: realized when my mom, I was doing what my mother

640
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:28,880
Speaker 1: was doing for so many years and and I haven't

641
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:32,960
Speaker 1: been able to crack into this. I haven't been serious

642
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,600
Speaker 1: about therapy for a while where I'll be like regular

643
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:37,400
Speaker 1: where like you know how you'll like make a standing

644
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:39,760
Speaker 1: manicure appointment and be like, Okay, the second I leave here,

645
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:42,480
Speaker 1: I'm making the next appointment. That's how regular I've been

646
00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:46,320
Speaker 1: in the last couple of uh, certainly the last year,

647
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:47,960
Speaker 1: maybe a couple of years, but really the last year

648
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:50,720
Speaker 1: where it's like f and it it could be and

649
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,120
Speaker 1: the same thing for my daughter, it'll be like it

650
00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:54,880
Speaker 1: could be once a month. It just has to be

651
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,760
Speaker 1: like that. It's happening again, because it's something you may

652
00:30:57,760 --> 00:30:59,640
Speaker 1: not want to do, but once you do it, you

653
00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:01,560
Speaker 1: feel bet or it's like working out. And if you

654
00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:05,320
Speaker 1: cannot afford therapy, you know, do the apps that have

655
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:09,080
Speaker 1: a therapist. Okay, if you cannot afford therapy, go online

656
00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:11,600
Speaker 1: and look up things that you know, people like me

657
00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:15,680
Speaker 1: and other people say like generational trauma or like formative years,

658
00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:19,240
Speaker 1: like I literally till yesterday did not really realize and

659
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:21,080
Speaker 1: had to send to my friend who was a complicated

660
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:24,600
Speaker 1: relationship with her mother the formative year thing, which gave

661
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,360
Speaker 1: me some comfort. It made me realize, Okay, maybe I'm

662
00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:29,200
Speaker 1: not in a total basket case, because I do have

663
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:32,720
Speaker 1: glimpses of love from when I was a kid, and

664
00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:35,800
Speaker 1: going through the old pictures is bringing me there. And

665
00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:37,800
Speaker 1: it made me very sad the first couple of days

666
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:43,240
Speaker 1: of this grief, like tortuously, like bad, and because I

667
00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:45,000
Speaker 1: wanted my mommy and I wanted to be there and

668
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,720
Speaker 1: I wanted more of it. And that move you move

669
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,640
Speaker 1: through that, you move out of the bad, you move

670
00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:54,800
Speaker 1: into that, and then you move into like guilt and

671
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:56,880
Speaker 1: like logic and what you could have done and you

672
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:58,520
Speaker 1: could have brought you know, and then and then you

673
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,719
Speaker 1: kind of go in and out of that, and then

674
00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:03,080
Speaker 1: you're just playing nostalgic songs and they're just reminding you

675
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 1: of something and you're just like honoring. I'm wearing a

676
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:06,600
Speaker 1: ring that was my mother, that was mine when I

677
00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:09,360
Speaker 1: was thirteen, and a one that I bought with Brynn

678
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,080
Speaker 1: recently in an antique shop that we believe is the

679
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:14,160
Speaker 1: same one that I had when I was younger, because

680
00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:16,240
Speaker 1: I've never seen anyone else with it, but we want

681
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 1: to believe that this bee that I got for like

682
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:21,720
Speaker 1: my confirmation, that's like a diamond script bee, and like,

683
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,600
Speaker 1: you know, just trying to connect and like, there's a

684
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 1: beautiful picture of my mother when she looks like the

685
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,880
Speaker 1: bandu sole, like this French beautiful woman, and she had

686
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:31,680
Speaker 1: these two rings on that she wore every day and

687
00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:34,280
Speaker 1: I've always coveted them. And this friend of hers that

688
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,840
Speaker 1: found like found these pictures sent a picture. I'm like,

689
00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:38,280
Speaker 1: oh my god, those are the rings, and she's like

690
00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:40,120
Speaker 1: in a scavenger hunt and she found them for me,

691
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:42,120
Speaker 1: and it's making me so happy that she had this

692
00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 1: friend of eleven years that I'm connecting with and that

693
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:50,720
Speaker 1: you know, she deserves all this stuff. I'm like, take

694
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 1: whatever you want, and she's like, no, I want you

695
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:53,920
Speaker 1: to have it all. And it's like, like I said,

696
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:57,080
Speaker 1: Cartier and stuff, real stuff. And it makes me happy

697
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:58,360
Speaker 1: because it means she had a friend that she could

698
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:00,560
Speaker 1: trust because anybody could have gone in there. My mother

699
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:02,640
Speaker 1: was so vulnerable and anybody would take from her. Anybody

700
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:04,480
Speaker 1: could have gone in there and stolen all this stuff.

701
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:09,360
Speaker 1: And this beautiful person, Julia is her name, but it's

702
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,880
Speaker 1: spelled like with an L. And she said to me

703
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,360
Speaker 1: that she's now connecting with her mother because of this.

704
00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 1: She bought her mother a ticket. So I'm feeling like

705
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,600
Speaker 1: there's all these like things swirling because of this death,

706
00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:20,400
Speaker 1: and I'm sharing it with you because a lot of

707
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:21,800
Speaker 1: things are swirling with you and a lot of you

708
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:25,720
Speaker 1: are reconnecting, and my friend is now thinking about therapy,

709
00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:27,720
Speaker 1: and like a lot of stuff is swirling with mothers

710
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,800
Speaker 1: and daughters and it's and we're entering where we're coming

711
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,720
Speaker 1: into Mother's Day. It's like the perfect time to talk

712
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 1: about this stuff. And I'm sending people a lot of

713
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:36,920
Speaker 1: messages saying it doesn't matter. I know your mother abuse,

714
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:40,160
Speaker 1: do I know she's angry and evil and all. It's

715
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:43,480
Speaker 1: not really about that. It's about doing something so you

716
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:45,920
Speaker 1: don't go through like torture and trauma. Like take one

717
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:48,560
Speaker 1: part of that off, Go send her a mixtape of

718
00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:50,920
Speaker 1: songs from her generation, write a letter, send a gift,

719
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 1: because this person is in tremendous pain. They've been evil,

720
00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:56,640
Speaker 1: but they didn't just wake up and decide to be evil.

721
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:59,400
Speaker 1: That's the generational trauma. That's the stuff that comes from

722
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:03,360
Speaker 1: decades that was passed down. And like, there are ways

723
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:05,280
Speaker 1: that I am like my mother, even though it's stuff

724
00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:06,960
Speaker 1: that I don't want to be. And there are ways

725
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:08,759
Speaker 1: that I'm like my father, but you know, at least

726
00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:11,200
Speaker 1: to understand where you come from and why. You know.

727
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:14,319
Speaker 1: I can be biting, you know, but I've turned it

728
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:17,480
Speaker 1: into a good sometimes in the sense that you know,

729
00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:24,840
Speaker 1: my daughter's pretty incredible, and I don't suffer fools, and

730
00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:26,879
Speaker 1: I don't negotiate with terrorists, and I'm strict in that way.

731
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,480
Speaker 1: She messes around me, she disrespects me, she says something like,

732
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:32,399
Speaker 1: I snap it right away. I don't let really any

733
00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:36,360
Speaker 1: of them slide. I'm tremendously loving and amazing, and I

734
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 1: never turned down a snuggle. I never turned down a cuddle.

735
00:34:39,719 --> 00:34:42,239
Speaker 1: We hog. I mean, I live for my kid, but

736
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:45,319
Speaker 1: I don't play games. And the way that I with

737
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:50,520
Speaker 1: my daughter that I've handled it was is to like

738
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:55,640
Speaker 1: tell her the stories, but like not you know, overwhelm

739
00:34:55,680 --> 00:34:59,319
Speaker 1: her with it, you know. And Melinda, my therapist, who's

740
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:02,280
Speaker 1: a psychoanaly is like so happy. She's like can't believe.

741
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,520
Speaker 1: She's like, now the deep work will happen. And the

742
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:07,240
Speaker 1: same thing with Breck. They're like, this is profound because

743
00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:10,400
Speaker 1: I feel different already. I feel like different, even that

744
00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:12,680
Speaker 1: I'm willing to go back to Saratoga, even that I've

745
00:35:12,719 --> 00:35:15,319
Speaker 1: been willing to like think about my childhood and go there,

746
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,280
Speaker 1: it's a door that's been locked. And reconnecting with people.

747
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:20,640
Speaker 1: Matt Littman said to me, Toady, did you butt dial me?

748
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,800
Speaker 1: Because like, I don't talk to my friends from that age.

749
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,279
Speaker 1: I transact with them like once in a while, they'll

750
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:28,360
Speaker 1: be like someone will see something and instagram a message me.

751
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:34,840
Speaker 1: But anyone from pretty much my entire childhood until my twenties,

752
00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:37,239
Speaker 1: with the exception of two friends that I met in

753
00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:40,080
Speaker 1: high school, but I met them in boarding school, so

754
00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:42,319
Speaker 1: I was removed from the situation, and one of them,

755
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,680
Speaker 1: I moved out of boarding school into their house, just

756
00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:46,839
Speaker 1: to give you an idea of like I moved into

757
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,160
Speaker 1: another person's home with it. You know, those are my

758
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:52,399
Speaker 1: two friends. But it's interesting because I met them out

759
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:55,520
Speaker 1: of this psychotic environment. So I've like they're they're in

760
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,359
Speaker 1: some sort of separate bubble, you know, like they're they're

761
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 1: they're they're like protected from I did anybody that I

762
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:04,560
Speaker 1: met through that entire life, even my friend Alyssa that

763
00:36:04,600 --> 00:36:06,279
Speaker 1: I was good friends with, whose mother took me to

764
00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:09,239
Speaker 1: the hospital when I had chicken pox because my stepfather

765
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:10,920
Speaker 1: John ignored me when I said I had bumps all

766
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: over my stomach and like no one, I had no

767
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:15,600
Speaker 1: parents to take me to doctors. I hurt myself fell

768
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:18,200
Speaker 1: off a mountain years ago. My mother kind of like

769
00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:20,200
Speaker 1: blew me off on the phone, like there was no compassion,

770
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:23,520
Speaker 1: no caring, no chicken soup. When you don't feel well,

771
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:25,239
Speaker 1: when you're an adult, no one's moving you into a

772
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,920
Speaker 1: college dorm, no one's moving you out, no one's you know,

773
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:30,799
Speaker 1: like I was in a so Alyssa, who's mother and

774
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:34,359
Speaker 1: you know, horrified that I literally had chicken pox at

775
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:35,920
Speaker 1: eighteen years old, took me to the hospital. I had

776
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:38,840
Speaker 1: one hundred and five. I fainted when they took my blood.

777
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:42,959
Speaker 1: Like all these people I've really kept in arms length,

778
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:46,160
Speaker 1: They're like, well, text me and I'll say thank you

779
00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:49,120
Speaker 1: and excel. Like they're just like I've cut them out.

780
00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:52,200
Speaker 1: I've like put them in a compartmentalized state. And now

781
00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:54,560
Speaker 1: I've been reconnecting with them, you know, because like I

782
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:57,239
Speaker 1: can like deal with what part of my life they

783
00:36:57,640 --> 00:36:59,440
Speaker 1: were adjacent to. And I know a lot of this

784
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:03,480
Speaker 1: is going to be like very familiar to you, and

785
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:07,040
Speaker 1: you didn't even know it reading my old journals. And

786
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:09,520
Speaker 1: what's crazy, though, is that John was like actually a

787
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:12,160
Speaker 1: pretty not a bad, terrible person. It's the only time

788
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:14,120
Speaker 1: he really ever touched me, and there was a time

789
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:18,480
Speaker 1: he stopped touching her, but his degenerate friends did sexually,

790
00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:24,680
Speaker 1: you know, assault abused me, and because he was around degenerates.

791
00:37:24,719 --> 00:37:27,680
Speaker 1: But he's eighty two years old, and I forgive because

792
00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:29,360
Speaker 1: he had a heart and he cared and he was,

793
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:33,400
Speaker 1: you know, living in a life of animals, like you know,

794
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:36,480
Speaker 1: and he was enraged and substances and you don't think

795
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,120
Speaker 1: about it when you're young. You don't know like people

796
00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:39,880
Speaker 1: could be doing. They're doing cocaine and like they're what

797
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:41,400
Speaker 1: they're doing, You don't know what the hell they're doing.

798
00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:43,200
Speaker 1: It's due to fifty four. They're not doing you know,

799
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:47,000
Speaker 1: they're not They're not drinking fucking boba. He did. He

800
00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:49,040
Speaker 1: treated me like a daughter, and I have he has

801
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:52,399
Speaker 1: to get that credit. And he did admit what went

802
00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:55,640
Speaker 1: on way more than my mother did. And I'm gonna

803
00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,080
Speaker 1: have a driver take him because I don't think he

804
00:37:58,080 --> 00:37:59,680
Speaker 1: can he can't. I'm not gonna have him drive himself,

805
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:01,600
Speaker 1: but IM gonna I have someone take him bring him

806
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:03,439
Speaker 1: to my house. I have a property. It feels weird.

807
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:06,120
Speaker 1: He's Celiac, I guess, and he's lost a lot of weight,

808
00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:07,960
Speaker 1: and it feels weird to like be in a restaurant

809
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:09,759
Speaker 1: with him. And it's going to be uncomfortable for me.

810
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:11,880
Speaker 1: It's to be comfortable for Britney's and look very old

811
00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:14,880
Speaker 1: and frail, and it's gonna be triggering. But I'm going

812
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:16,560
Speaker 1: to put that aside because that's a lot of why

813
00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:18,840
Speaker 1: I didn't see my mother. And I'm going to have

814
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:20,640
Speaker 1: him brought here and sit out on the lawn and

815
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:22,760
Speaker 1: he'll get to like watch her do sports, and he'll

816
00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:26,200
Speaker 1: he asked about her metal. I've been texting him. He

817
00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:29,120
Speaker 1: texts very fast. We've been laughing. We actually were talking

818
00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:32,400
Speaker 1: about some of my personal traumas that we've discussed on

819
00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:35,000
Speaker 1: my other podcasts that you guys won't listen to because

820
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,799
Speaker 1: I'm not going to get specific right now, but you'll

821
00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:39,400
Speaker 1: understand what I'm saying. And I said to him that

822
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:43,279
Speaker 1: someone once told me when they were kind of threatening me,

823
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:45,319
Speaker 1: now you're going to see what I was like on

824
00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:49,160
Speaker 1: the basketball court. Incidentally, he was best friends with Rick Patino,

825
00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:53,000
Speaker 1: the famous basketball coach who actually named horses after like

826
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:56,080
Speaker 1: him and stuff like that. And he was a big

827
00:38:56,120 --> 00:39:01,440
Speaker 1: basketball fan. And he went to Saint John's stepfather and

828
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:03,759
Speaker 1: it made me laugh because this was a person who

829
00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:06,480
Speaker 1: had played basketball, but not professionally, just like was a

830
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:09,960
Speaker 1: good basketball player. And I said, he was asking about

831
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:11,880
Speaker 1: a situation of my life. And I said to him,

832
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:13,920
Speaker 1: this person said to me, now you're going to see

833
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:16,239
Speaker 1: what I was like on the basketball court. And I said,

834
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:20,480
Speaker 1: I said, I survived, and I prevailed, and I fought

835
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:23,279
Speaker 1: hard and I came out on top. And I said

836
00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:26,800
Speaker 1: to John Paracella, I said, I said, I should have

837
00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:29,239
Speaker 1: said back, Now you're going to see what I was

838
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:32,520
Speaker 1: like on the racetrack at five years old at the

839
00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:35,920
Speaker 1: shoeshine stand, hanging out in the jockeys room. I mean

840
00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:38,800
Speaker 1: like and he laughed because like he was, like he said,

841
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:42,080
Speaker 1: there's nobody the NBA growing up. Now you're gonna see

842
00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:44,280
Speaker 1: what I was like on the NBA basketball court still

843
00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:47,279
Speaker 1: does not hold a candle to being raised on the

844
00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:50,799
Speaker 1: racetrack by wolves and animals. So we laughed because like

845
00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,680
Speaker 1: it's very It's like people want to know why I

846
00:39:54,719 --> 00:39:56,279
Speaker 1: am like the way I am. It's I was because

847
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:59,279
Speaker 1: I grew up on the racetrack. It's like it's there's

848
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:01,759
Speaker 1: no place, you know, it's not a place to be raised.

849
00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:17,080
Speaker 1: I mean I remember going to John Paracela and being

850
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:19,880
Speaker 1: at OTB off track bedding, the degenerate place. People were

851
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:22,919
Speaker 1: smoking and like gambling. It's seven years old. We'd stop

852
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:25,000
Speaker 1: at OTB because he was John Paracel. It was a

853
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:27,439
Speaker 1: degenerate gambler who'd crack my piggy bank open for money.

854
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:30,480
Speaker 1: I mean, it's like crazy. So this is like a memoir.

855
00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:34,360
Speaker 1: In the end, this is podcast. So Melinda, my psychoanalyst,

856
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:36,239
Speaker 1: said something so fascinating, which you guys are going to

857
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:40,040
Speaker 1: think is interesting. And it's about she said, your mother.

858
00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:42,279
Speaker 1: We came up with this together. But like the fact

859
00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:45,800
Speaker 1: that my mother would have a lifelong eating disorder, which

860
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:48,120
Speaker 1: by the way, affected me too. There was a time

861
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:50,480
Speaker 1: in like high school, high school when people were talking

862
00:40:50,520 --> 00:40:52,040
Speaker 1: about food, and I talked to my daughter about that

863
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:54,040
Speaker 1: yesterday too, I told her about the eating disorder. I

864
00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:55,719
Speaker 1: was like, listen to me, girls are going to come

865
00:40:55,719 --> 00:40:57,560
Speaker 1: in with fat diets and I only ate this and

866
00:40:57,600 --> 00:40:59,680
Speaker 1: I look fat and I look and I'm like, that

867
00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:01,719
Speaker 1: will ruin your life. It's almost like when people tell

868
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:03,799
Speaker 1: their kids, like, don't do you do drugs, You'll die,

869
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:06,080
Speaker 1: Like it will ruin your life. That's why we never

870
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:07,960
Speaker 1: talk about food in this house. We don't talk about

871
00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:10,439
Speaker 1: any why I was bad, it was good, this thin weight,

872
00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:13,200
Speaker 1: it's like not discussed in my house. There was the

873
00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:16,279
Speaker 1: word die is in the word diet is not discussed.

874
00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:18,600
Speaker 1: So and my whole life it was my mother. Oh,

875
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:22,120
Speaker 1: I gained ten pat like every day, and I had

876
00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:23,920
Speaker 1: that where there were times that I took laxatives and

877
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,120
Speaker 1: there were times when I would in living in that

878
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:30,279
Speaker 1: apartment in New York City, where I would, you know,

879
00:41:30,719 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 1: go out night and get drunk, go to nightclubs, come

880
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:37,839
Speaker 1: home downstairs and eat like a whole you know, Enteman's cake,

881
00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:41,040
Speaker 1: or eat pint device and a binge because you were drinking.

882
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:43,160
Speaker 1: I did. Then college to you get a whole pizza

883
00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:46,800
Speaker 1: and then starve. I never had the throw up that's disgusting.

884
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:48,560
Speaker 1: I never had that. I could never make myself throw up,

885
00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:51,319
Speaker 1: but like and then would starve myself. I'm gonna be good,

886
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:54,280
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be bad. So it wasn't a classic eating

887
00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:57,400
Speaker 1: disorder like that is like anorexic or believe it. But

888
00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:00,200
Speaker 1: it was a disorder because it wasn't in order. And

889
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:02,719
Speaker 1: that's what I wrote Naturally Thin about because I don't

890
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:04,560
Speaker 1: know how I got involved in my own life because

891
00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:07,440
Speaker 1: I wanted to be happy. Your life was defined by

892
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:10,080
Speaker 1: like I was good, I was bad, I was fat,

893
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:13,319
Speaker 1: I was thin. I gained way to ruin your day,

894
00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:15,840
Speaker 1: you know, and I was like twenty five pounds heavier

895
00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:18,200
Speaker 1: because I had no It was a disorder, but it

896
00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:22,520
Speaker 1: wasn't in the you know, it never got completely out

897
00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:25,480
Speaker 1: of control. It was more binge and never perd binge.

898
00:42:25,520 --> 00:42:28,560
Speaker 1: And then knot eat and be good, good and bad.

899
00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:31,120
Speaker 1: Those words are not should not be associated with food.

900
00:42:31,160 --> 00:42:33,120
Speaker 1: Food is not your best friend or your enemy. That's

901
00:42:33,239 --> 00:42:37,840
Speaker 1: naturally thin. But Melinda said, I mean, Bethany, you have

902
00:42:37,880 --> 00:42:42,240
Speaker 1: a brand called skinny Girl, like like is it? Freud?

903
00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 1: Is it? Who knows what? But like and then that

904
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:49,400
Speaker 1: she was also in alcohol. Her big disorders were we're

905
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:53,520
Speaker 1: eating and alcohol. I mean I made all my money

906
00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:57,520
Speaker 1: on alcohol. I mean, it's insane. But skinny Girl is

907
00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:00,880
Speaker 1: about having a good relationship with food. It's about allowing.

908
00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:03,760
Speaker 1: It was about allowing, like it was never about depriving.

909
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:06,239
Speaker 1: The whole book, the whole brand was about like, now

910
00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:10,080
Speaker 1: you get to have a margarita that's slightly sweet. Now

911
00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:13,359
Speaker 1: you get to have microwave popcorn, but it's better for you.

912
00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:15,439
Speaker 1: Now you get to have salad dressings, but they're better

913
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:18,120
Speaker 1: for you. It was never about depriving. So it was like,

914
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:22,600
Speaker 1: somehow resolving that disorder. And yes, the word skinny can

915
00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:24,480
Speaker 1: be problematic, and if I were naming it tomorrow, I

916
00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:26,640
Speaker 1: wouldn't do that. It was just the margarita was a

917
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:30,440
Speaker 1: skinnier version. But Freud would have a fucking field day

918
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:33,560
Speaker 1: with that. Like that was like a resolution to a disorder,

919
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:37,240
Speaker 1: and it became something you know, that represents a healthier

920
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:40,360
Speaker 1: relationship with these things, to be able to have Margerita whatever,

921
00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:44,480
Speaker 1: and then alcohol, you know, to have an alcohol brand

922
00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:46,880
Speaker 1: and a wine brand. I mean she drank wine, you know,

923
00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:51,200
Speaker 1: out of the faucet. So and then she said, and now, Bethany,

924
00:43:51,239 --> 00:43:53,040
Speaker 1: this is becoming so clear because I told her my

925
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:57,160
Speaker 1: mother wanted to be a star. She wanted to be fabulous.

926
00:43:57,200 --> 00:44:00,719
Speaker 1: You know. She held me down. I wanted to go

927
00:44:00,719 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 1: to acting classes. She wouldn't take me. She had a

928
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:04,520
Speaker 1: friend she once told me to made commercials. I badgered

929
00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:07,319
Speaker 1: her day and night. She she didn't take me. She

930
00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:09,920
Speaker 1: once told me she made She once told me intentionally,

931
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:12,359
Speaker 1: I guess that I was offered a Disney contract when

932
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:14,880
Speaker 1: I was like five years old, and that she turned

933
00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:20,160
Speaker 1: it down. I regretted it my whole life, my whole life.

934
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:23,360
Speaker 1: I obsessed over it, like I could have been something.

935
00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:26,400
Speaker 1: I could have had a Disney contract, like when I

936
00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:27,880
Speaker 1: was a little girl. I begged her, why didn't you

937
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:29,640
Speaker 1: say yes? And like I wanted to go backwards. I

938
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:31,880
Speaker 1: wanted to call the friend who did commercials, like she

939
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:34,360
Speaker 1: never helped me. She never she wanted to be famous

940
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:36,960
Speaker 1: like she wanted to be me. She was jealous of

941
00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:40,959
Speaker 1: me like and so Malinn and my father too, would

942
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:44,440
Speaker 1: name drop the David Milch's and the dough Tories, and

943
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:46,399
Speaker 1: you know, he was a horse training. He was good

944
00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:48,800
Speaker 1: at one thing, and he made a lot of He

945
00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:50,040
Speaker 1: made a lot of money. And I thought he was

946
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:51,879
Speaker 1: so rich. And I was so enamored by the rich

947
00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:53,600
Speaker 1: and my father's rich and he lives in the Pacific

948
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:56,400
Speaker 1: Palisades and go to the Derby and pretend and pretend

949
00:44:56,480 --> 00:45:00,440
Speaker 1: and pretend. And Melinda said you, and I said, passed

950
00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:03,319
Speaker 1: all of their goals. I am wealthier, even even with

951
00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:06,360
Speaker 1: inflation and all of it. I'm more successful, more relevant,

952
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:09,919
Speaker 1: more wealthy than my father. I and my Linda said

953
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:14,560
Speaker 1: to me, you surpassed and you completed their goals, like

954
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:18,600
Speaker 1: that's what happens with generational trauma, Like you completed each

955
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:22,120
Speaker 1: of their goals. And that all the times that people

956
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:25,080
Speaker 1: ask me why I have the hard work and determination

957
00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:26,839
Speaker 1: and the drive, I never go deep enough. I think

958
00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:28,400
Speaker 1: it's my father was very driven and he was the

959
00:45:28,400 --> 00:45:30,360
Speaker 1: best of what he did. And my mother too, she

960
00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:33,200
Speaker 1: was a worker. They were workers she worked her ass off.

961
00:45:33,239 --> 00:45:35,800
Speaker 1: She didn't complain. She was They were. They are people

962
00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:39,200
Speaker 1: who worked. They are not complainers. They are workers like I.

963
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:42,399
Speaker 1: You know, I'm surrounded by people sometimes like people I've

964
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,200
Speaker 1: been in relationships with. People want wah and they're complaining

965
00:45:45,239 --> 00:45:48,920
Speaker 1: and what like pros play hurt. That's how I grew

966
00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:52,600
Speaker 1: up like pros play hurt. Period. No complain, no explain,

967
00:45:52,719 --> 00:45:55,160
Speaker 1: Like I work. You take all my money today, I'll

968
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:57,359
Speaker 1: be at a restaurant. Tomorrow, I'll be making money. I'll

969
00:45:57,360 --> 00:45:59,440
Speaker 1: be working, I'll be bartending, I'll be. I am a

970
00:45:59,440 --> 00:46:02,480
Speaker 1: worker today day I die. And I don't expect anyone

971
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:06,160
Speaker 1: to ever do anything that I've never done. But I

972
00:46:06,200 --> 00:46:10,759
Speaker 1: took whatever they did into the end zone, you know.

973
00:46:11,040 --> 00:46:14,520
Speaker 1: And there's something about that that I that I like

974
00:46:14,719 --> 00:46:18,040
Speaker 1: feel in my body like I did it, I made it.

975
00:46:18,280 --> 00:46:21,080
Speaker 1: And I think she thinks that that is very related

976
00:46:21,120 --> 00:46:25,799
Speaker 1: the hard work and drive. So there's a lot that's

977
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:27,880
Speaker 1: like unfolding, and that's why it's been good for me.

978
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,839
Speaker 1: The music, the walking, like the being alone, like I'm

979
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:33,960
Speaker 1: using this to be good to like, you know, work

980
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:36,160
Speaker 1: it out. Brennan and I decided we were gonna take cookies.

981
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:38,640
Speaker 1: Ashes which have been in my laundry room in a

982
00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:41,600
Speaker 1: corner for years. We have not touched them, we have

983
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:43,799
Speaker 1: not addressed it. But we made a decision that we

984
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:46,359
Speaker 1: would take my mother's ashes because her friend that has

985
00:46:46,400 --> 00:46:48,279
Speaker 1: been this good friend is gonna come here. I'm gonna

986
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:52,040
Speaker 1: fly her here. I'm gonna send something, Send some money

987
00:46:52,040 --> 00:46:53,839
Speaker 1: to that woman who's been taking care of her, who's

988
00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:55,759
Speaker 1: like at her house, like take care of as many

989
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:58,799
Speaker 1: people as I can. Fly her friend here, have her

990
00:46:58,840 --> 00:47:00,560
Speaker 1: stay here, put her in a hotel, hell, give her

991
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:02,920
Speaker 1: an experience. She's reconnected with her mother, as I told you.

992
00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:06,279
Speaker 1: And we're gonna put the ashes with cookies, I think

993
00:47:06,560 --> 00:47:08,440
Speaker 1: in the water my new house in the Hampton, so

994
00:47:08,520 --> 00:47:10,920
Speaker 1: like Cookie and my mother together. I know this is

995
00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:13,239
Speaker 1: all not real, and like you know, it's things that

996
00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:15,840
Speaker 1: we make up and you know, our lives, but maybe

997
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:17,600
Speaker 1: it is real. I said to Brim, what do you

998
00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:19,959
Speaker 1: think happens? She said, I don't know, Mama. She said,

999
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,640
Speaker 1: I think you come back. I think you recarnate. She

1000
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:24,200
Speaker 1: didn't say those words, so I think you come back

1001
00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:27,200
Speaker 1: as something else. I said what she said, like and

1002
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:30,440
Speaker 1: I was sharing with Michael Capponi my partner said, he said,

1003
00:47:30,680 --> 00:47:32,839
Speaker 1: one day, I'll tell you what I think. And you know,

1004
00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:35,040
Speaker 1: he talked about the weaving of the souls and he's

1005
00:47:35,080 --> 00:47:38,200
Speaker 1: in Ta Cabala and spirituality. But he said, maybe one day,

1006
00:47:38,280 --> 00:47:41,440
Speaker 1: you know, bring comes back as your mother's daughter, and

1007
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:44,720
Speaker 1: like all that gets resolved. And I can't see anything

1008
00:47:44,760 --> 00:47:47,080
Speaker 1: but my mother and my daughter right now. I can't

1009
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:49,120
Speaker 1: see like you guys brought it to my attention. I

1010
00:47:49,120 --> 00:47:51,000
Speaker 1: had seen it myself, but was like, thinking, it is

1011
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:53,120
Speaker 1: it true? And she looks like her and she has

1012
00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:56,240
Speaker 1: that like seventies essence of her, so I can't see anything.

1013
00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:58,600
Speaker 1: But and I was thinking maybe cookie and bring love

1014
00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:01,040
Speaker 1: ish she like, can we do that, Mama? And all

1015
00:48:01,080 --> 00:48:02,880
Speaker 1: the stuff the way I sell bags and that a

1016
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:04,960
Speaker 1: lie address that I can't believe this woman found in

1017
00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:08,600
Speaker 1: my mother's closet from thirty years ago. All of this

1018
00:48:08,680 --> 00:48:10,879
Speaker 1: stuff is going to come. And Broom was like, please, Mama,

1019
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:12,759
Speaker 1: please don't do it without me, like please, And I

1020
00:48:12,800 --> 00:48:15,160
Speaker 1: hate stuff, but I'm like, I can't wait for it

1021
00:48:15,200 --> 00:48:16,520
Speaker 1: to come, and I can't wait to go through it

1022
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:20,680
Speaker 1: with Brin. So that's all got you know, got meaning,

1023
00:48:22,239 --> 00:48:32,400
Speaker 1: And it's just important that I really mention, Well, first

1024
00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:35,120
Speaker 1: that there have been a lot of signs. You know.

1025
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:36,920
Speaker 1: My mother was the one who say to me, a

1026
00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:38,399
Speaker 1: black crow is a sign of death. And I saw

1027
00:48:38,400 --> 00:48:39,920
Speaker 1: a black crow the other day just like by itself

1028
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:42,799
Speaker 1: and it wouldn't move, and I like, I remember her

1029
00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:45,279
Speaker 1: saying that, and so that was meaningful to me. So

1030
00:48:45,360 --> 00:48:49,680
Speaker 1: many crazy memories that like are so insane. It's a movie.

1031
00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:53,480
Speaker 1: It's like literally it's a movie. So I have you know,

1032
00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:55,719
Speaker 1: I can't really just make it all that. It was

1033
00:48:55,760 --> 00:48:57,960
Speaker 1: like I was living every day and my house was

1034
00:48:57,960 --> 00:49:00,920
Speaker 1: like shit, it wasn't they were just it just wasn't

1035
00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:03,960
Speaker 1: a child's house, you know. But take these moments with

1036
00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:06,839
Speaker 1: your family, Take these moments with your kids. Take these

1037
00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:11,120
Speaker 1: moments and really appreciate them, like as Mother's Day comes,

1038
00:49:11,160 --> 00:49:15,360
Speaker 1: like appreciate them, cherish them because they're like fireflies. I

1039
00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:17,760
Speaker 1: think it's so crazy that they call that movie Firefly

1040
00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:20,799
Speaker 1: Lane because they're like fireflies, like they're fleeting. And then

1041
00:49:20,800 --> 00:49:23,520
Speaker 1: you're in a bed crying at fifty three and you're

1042
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:27,239
Speaker 1: like remembering just like an ice cream cone with your

1043
00:49:27,280 --> 00:49:30,160
Speaker 1: mother that's like the firefly like popcorn in the middle,

1044
00:49:30,200 --> 00:49:31,840
Speaker 1: and you know, on a road like why do I

1045
00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:35,120
Speaker 1: just remember rest stop popcorn? Like I and Brynn recently,

1046
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:36,759
Speaker 1: when I was going to go that weekend, she was like,

1047
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:38,239
Speaker 1: wanted to go on a road trip because I have

1048
00:49:38,239 --> 00:49:40,279
Speaker 1: a driver. He always drives us. It's like I want

1049
00:49:40,280 --> 00:49:41,960
Speaker 1: to go just mom and Peanut and I want to go,

1050
00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:44,000
Speaker 1: and like We're going to take a road trip. I'm

1051
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:46,400
Speaker 1: planning a trip this summer. You know, pictures on my

1052
00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:48,720
Speaker 1: mother for me and taking me to Egypt and Greece,

1053
00:49:48,800 --> 00:49:51,200
Speaker 1: and like this summer, I'm taking on a special trip,

1054
00:49:51,239 --> 00:49:52,960
Speaker 1: but not just like one of these like fancy like

1055
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:55,520
Speaker 1: Sancho pe I'm taking her somewhere or see something that

1056
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:59,000
Speaker 1: we haven't seen. So it's got meaning. I'm making meaning

1057
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:00,960
Speaker 1: out of this, and I believe I'll be I have

1058
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:04,160
Speaker 1: a more open heart, more forgiving, and I've taken the

1059
00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:08,440
Speaker 1: entirety of my mother and I've put this, all of

1060
00:50:08,440 --> 00:50:11,560
Speaker 1: this through a strainer and it's I'm I just have

1061
00:50:11,719 --> 00:50:14,520
Speaker 1: the good now. I'm just I just have the good

1062
00:50:14,680 --> 00:50:17,600
Speaker 1: and there's I'm gonna make meaning out of it. And

1063
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:20,520
Speaker 1: this podcast has been such a gift to have a

1064
00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:22,640
Speaker 1: place to put this. I have like had this inside

1065
00:50:22,640 --> 00:50:25,000
Speaker 1: and me been writing notes, reading journals, listening to letters,

1066
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:30,280
Speaker 1: all of it. And and I had an experience recently

1067
00:50:30,280 --> 00:50:33,319
Speaker 1: where Brynn was feeling from you know, someone that she

1068
00:50:33,960 --> 00:50:35,640
Speaker 1: had the weight of the world and she's feeling guilty

1069
00:50:35,640 --> 00:50:37,600
Speaker 1: and someone's making her feel guilty of something about something,

1070
00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:40,160
Speaker 1: and she feels everything and like she's wearing it. And

1071
00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:43,240
Speaker 1: you know, one day we'll get into the pandemic. And

1072
00:50:43,239 --> 00:50:45,400
Speaker 1: and how much she had on her back when she

1073
00:50:46,040 --> 00:50:49,360
Speaker 1: my kid broke down bad. And that's how we started

1074
00:50:49,360 --> 00:50:52,120
Speaker 1: her therapy. I said to her yesterday, you are a

1075
00:50:52,120 --> 00:50:54,759
Speaker 1: butterfly and you have to do what work, what is

1076
00:50:54,800 --> 00:50:56,360
Speaker 1: good for you and what is healthy for you. And

1077
00:50:56,400 --> 00:50:58,760
Speaker 1: I will always support that you are not living my life.

1078
00:50:59,200 --> 00:51:02,440
Speaker 1: You are not living any parents life. It's amazing that

1079
00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:04,000
Speaker 1: she right now is making meaning out of this and

1080
00:51:04,040 --> 00:51:05,840
Speaker 1: wanting to spend time with her grandparents and wanting to

1081
00:51:05,880 --> 00:51:09,400
Speaker 1: be more thoughtful, et cetera. I said to regarding anything

1082
00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:12,080
Speaker 1: negative in her feeling this pressure as that you are

1083
00:51:12,120 --> 00:51:17,040
Speaker 1: living your this is your life. You fly, but love

1084
00:51:17,080 --> 00:51:19,480
Speaker 1: you guys, Thank you, and thank you for all the messages.

1085
00:51:19,520 --> 00:51:22,080
Speaker 1: I'm learning from you as much as hopefully you're learning

1086
00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:27,240
Speaker 1: or just expressing or being inspired by whatever this brings

1087
00:51:27,320 --> 00:51:27,680
Speaker 1: up for you,