Speaker 1: Hell, I suck good Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared
Speaker 1: and I heard radio podcast. Hey guys, thank you for
Speaker 1: tuning into another episode of Help I second dating. Dean
Speaker 1: is in studio with me. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: tuning in. We're going to start with the intimacy expert.
Speaker 1: Her name is Elena pret Lana Banana. You know what,
Speaker 1: it's so funny because we're You're Canadian, right, Alana? Yes?
Speaker 1: So yeah, yeah yeah, so like usually Americans will say
Speaker 1: like a Lana and I started using like that intonation
Speaker 1: whatever it's called, but my yeah, she's Canadian, so it's Alanta.
Speaker 1: How are you? And I'm awesome. I remember when I
Speaker 1: interviewed Alanis Morrisset and I'm like, I used to say
Speaker 1: Atlanta Banana, but now I say like a land, like
Speaker 1: a land. Yeah. So it's great to be with you
Speaker 1: two beautiful, delicious people. Thank you for calling in, Thank
Speaker 1: you for being part of the show with us today.
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it, and it's so great
Speaker 1: to talk about what talks about dating and be you know,
Speaker 1: vulnerable and transparent and and change some things for people
Speaker 1: out there. Absolutely. So you're an intimacy expert, can you
Speaker 1: define what that means. Well, back, you know, I don't
Speaker 1: know if you ever saw that movie with Mike Myers,
Speaker 1: you know, into me, I see, you know, it's kind
Speaker 1: of made fun of. But really that's what it's about.
Speaker 1: Intimacy with self. First, it's really easy to love our
Speaker 1: good parts, are shiny parts, are triumphant parts, but are
Speaker 1: lobbly parts. When we're ashamed and scared, it's really hard
Speaker 1: to love those parts. And what ends up happening as
Speaker 1: we try to cover up and pretend we're fine when
Speaker 1: we're not, and we overcompensate, but people see rights through that.
Speaker 1: And because we're emotionally unavailable to ourselves, we're resisting ourselves.
Speaker 1: We're shoving away a part of ourselves in a closet
Speaker 1: with a two by four, And there's stuff up right
Speaker 1: like don't let anybody know you're scared. Um, that same
Speaker 1: emotional unavailability with self gets neared, and we start to
Speaker 1: attract emotionally unavailable people, narcissists, ghosters, to all this kind
Speaker 1: of stuff. Yeah, I had that, um, that moment of realization. So,
Speaker 1: I mean I spoke about this last episode. I was
Speaker 1: like casually dating someone and it kind of fizzled out,
Speaker 1: and you know, my eagles like, well, why why did
Speaker 1: it fizzle out? Like it was something that I did wrong.
Speaker 1: And then I started to you know, like blame him
Speaker 1: and blame me, and then I went through all those
Speaker 1: different stages, and then I started realizing, maybe, deep down,
Speaker 1: I'm not ready for a committed relationship, and that is
Speaker 1: why I keep attracting these men that aren't ready for
Speaker 1: that intimate, committed relationship. Yeah, you're you're so wise. You know,
Speaker 1: when we are more interested in not getting hurt again,
Speaker 1: not being rejected, not feeling that pain, we might show
Speaker 1: up and go on a date, but really, deep down
Speaker 1: that inner fear is going to sabotage ourselves, right, And
Speaker 1: sabotage is such a word that I sometimes use when
Speaker 1: I'm dating someone. And I realized that sometimes I could
Speaker 1: spiral and I'll start overthinking, and then I'll start doing
Speaker 1: things to get a reaction. Um. And you know, I'm
Speaker 1: probably not the only person that does this, but you know,
Speaker 1: I could sometimes send a text message and I'm like why,
Speaker 1: And then I stopped myself before pressing sent, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: why am I sending this message If I'm sending it
Speaker 1: to get a react? Reaction from the person I'm automatically
Speaker 1: going to get disappointed because I'm testing that person. They
Speaker 1: don't know they're being tested, and they're gonna they're gonna fail,
Speaker 1: making me, you know, get the reaction that I want
Speaker 1: to get. So I guess my question is when someone
Speaker 1: goes is a relationship podcast, and you know, I keep
Speaker 1: talking about getting my heartbroken and stuff. So if someone
Speaker 1: goes through um, a breakup or whatever, you know, the
Speaker 1: ending of a connection. Let's put it that way. Um,
Speaker 1: what are the steps to being um to be being
Speaker 1: able to give back to that happy place again in
Speaker 1: order to attract the right people back into your life.
Speaker 1: It's a perfect question because a lot of people skip
Speaker 1: up and they do what I call sprinkles on top
Speaker 1: of the ice cream cone of and they just pretend
Speaker 1: they're fine and they get out there again, but they
Speaker 1: haven't them the inner work, and as you said, it
Speaker 1: sabotages them. So the first one is to like feel
Speaker 1: your feelings, and we aren't very good at that in society.
Speaker 1: We're very good at Facebook, antidepressants, we're not very good
Speaker 1: at feeling feelings. You don't know what to do. It's overwhelming,
Speaker 1: it's intense, like how do you navigate that? So the
Speaker 1: first one is to get like a coach like me,
Speaker 1: or or a process where you can really shit in
Speaker 1: the spire. And I have this little sort of little
Speaker 1: you visualization, like imagine, little Dean is inside Dean's heart,
Speaker 1: a little Vanessa is inside Vanessa's heart, and they are
Speaker 1: they are hurt, they're they're crushed, they're devastated. And isn't
Speaker 1: it true that, you know, in society, we we often
Speaker 1: go and go, well, let's just have a good attitude
Speaker 1: and let's get out there again, and if you know,
Speaker 1: have a positive attitude. But that's the sprinkles. And what really,
Speaker 1: this little one inside wants is for us to go
Speaker 1: inside with the patience of eternity, just sit there and
Speaker 1: maybe have a shot of tequila and a bag of
Speaker 1: chips in the bath, and to cry and just let
Speaker 1: it out. Not even because that residual what you resist
Speaker 1: persists and grows, but be willing to go to the
Speaker 1: core of the core of the core and feel it
Speaker 1: out to the bottom. And once that's done, then I
Speaker 1: like to imagine I'm so like visual but whatever, so
Speaker 1: like to sit in the throne like Queen Vanessa and
Speaker 1: kudn't be And you're sit in the throne and you
Speaker 1: put in front of you a movie screen of of
Speaker 1: attracting this person, as if you chose that for your
Speaker 1: growth and evolution. No victims here, no blaming here, no
Speaker 1: blaming of self for other Like I chose that mofo
Speaker 1: because it's to grow my forgiveness, me speaking my truth,
Speaker 1: me being willing to say thank you but no thank you,
Speaker 1: Me knowing my worth. You know, I'm more than my looks.
Speaker 1: I'm more than my Facebook like cause I'm more than this,
Speaker 1: you know. Do I really have a worth beyond my title,
Speaker 1: my identity? Maybe that's what the gift was. So so
Speaker 1: first fill your feelings, then sit in your throne. And
Speaker 1: there's one other little step in there that I think
Speaker 1: is important as well. If we have anger, it's not
Speaker 1: good to go murder people, not good to send like
Speaker 1: threatening ter but that's an energy. I'm a I'm a nerd.
Speaker 1: I interview like you know, celebrities, but I also interview
Speaker 1: like quantum physicists as well, and I really want to
Speaker 1: understand what's going on inside the body when we're we're
Speaker 1: poisoned with this toxic anger we gotta get rid of it.
Speaker 1: So I have this very politically incorrect process called the
Speaker 1: Theater of Redemption, and I dress up as this dominatrix
Speaker 1: and I go with my clients and we just you know,
Speaker 1: and it's all in context. And don't worry, I'm not
Speaker 1: an evil person. But we we mutilate the the identity
Speaker 1: that hurt, not the soul of the person, not the
Speaker 1: heart of the person, but just like the the identity
Speaker 1: that was a meeting, we just kneel like that person
Speaker 1: and we get it out of the body so it
Speaker 1: doesn't reside inside. Because I lost my mom at when
Speaker 1: she was sixty one of cancer, and I swear it
Speaker 1: because you just didn't get rid of that toxic anger
Speaker 1: from all those years, and she taught me, I get
Speaker 1: rid of it. You know it's not healthy. I agree. Um.
Speaker 1: Before we jump into our next segment, I do want
Speaker 1: to talk about one thing, and that's the Amazon Fire
Speaker 1: TV holiday seasons are coming upon us, and obviously part
Speaker 1: of that means that you need to be getting gifts
Speaker 1: for your loved ones, for your friends, for your family members,
Speaker 1: whoever it is, and why not give them the gift
Speaker 1: of endless entertainment? And through the Amazon fire TV you
Speaker 1: can get that for them. I personally have one and
Speaker 1: it's my favorite thing that I own, and I'm not
Speaker 1: even joking because it allows me to stay home and
Speaker 1: watch Netflix endlessly. What do you like to watch? I
Speaker 1: just finished The Good Place? Um, Like I said, hours
Speaker 1: of entertainment that you can enjoy through the Amazon Fire TV,
Speaker 1: whether it's through the tens of thousands of channels that
Speaker 1: they offer, the apps, the Alexas skills, Amazon fire TV
Speaker 1: brings all live TV and streaming content you love to
Speaker 1: the biggest screen in your home. That's another reason to
Speaker 1: love it, as well as a lot of times you'll
Speaker 1: find yourself watching TV on your phone or on your tablet,
Speaker 1: whatever it might be, and the screens are not the best. Obviously,
Speaker 1: they're portable, but it's not like watching it on the
Speaker 1: living room TV. And Amazon fire TV allows you to
Speaker 1: have access to all of those things while sitting in
Speaker 1: the most comfortable room in your house and watching it
Speaker 1: on the biggest screen in your house. You have things
Speaker 1: like Netflix, Prime Video, Hulu YouTube, all of those things
Speaker 1: and more. One of the things I love about Amazon
Speaker 1: fire TV is, um I'm a big Alexa fan. I
Speaker 1: have a lot of Alexa enabled devices in my home,
Speaker 1: and uh, I love that I can just like ultimate
Speaker 1: laziness like I always thought, sitting on the couch and
Speaker 1: channel surfings like the laziest thing possible. I don't even
Speaker 1: have to lift my arms. I just sit there. I
Speaker 1: talked to Alexa and I asked it to play open YouTube,
Speaker 1: and it just and on the fire TV just opens
Speaker 1: up YouTube, and um, all my what I like to watch.
Speaker 1: I like to watch supercuts of all the Transformers transforming
Speaker 1: from the movies. I don't like to watch the parts
Speaker 1: in between in the movies. I just want to see
Speaker 1: him transform from cars into robots. And I ask Alexa
Speaker 1: to open up YouTube. It's already recommended because I watched
Speaker 1: some of those videos and I can just pull them
Speaker 1: right up. Sometimes the Amazon YouTube things YouTube recommendations embarrassed
Speaker 1: me because all I've watched like video game footage of
Speaker 1: like StarCraft two, like Sickest Taran Macro versus the Zerg.
Speaker 1: And then my room and then my roommates will get
Speaker 1: on the Amazon Fire TV later on in the day
Speaker 1: and they'll be like, why is there a bunch of
Speaker 1: nerdy video game recommendations for this game that looks like
Speaker 1: the nerdest thing in the world, and I like, like,
Speaker 1: I just like like shutter in the corner. It wasn't mean,
Speaker 1: but they obviously know that as me. Anyways, that's what's
Speaker 1: great about the Amazon fire TV is because you can
Speaker 1: pull up full length YouTube videos on your television. You
Speaker 1: don't have to watch them on your computer, you don't
Speaker 1: have to watch them on your phone anymore. You can
Speaker 1: watch them right there on the biggest TV in your house.
Speaker 1: And all you have to do is ask Alexa to
Speaker 1: do it. Alexa, google Transformers Transforming Boom. You're watching Transformers
Speaker 1: Transforming on the biggest TV in your house. You have
Speaker 1: the I Heart Radio app. Of course, you can be
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast through your Amazon fire t V.
Speaker 1: If you're doing that right now, that's incredible. If you're
Speaker 1: doing that right now, send us a d M and
Speaker 1: tell us about it, that's great. You can watch like
Speaker 1: I said before, YouTube, Netflix, Hulu. Fire tv is the
Speaker 1: perfect gift for the entertainment fan in your life for
Speaker 1: this holiday season. And let's be honest, who's not an
Speaker 1: entertainment fan. Everyone loves to go to the movies, watch TV,
Speaker 1: watch YouTube videos, watch transformers, transform watch StarCraft videos, all
Speaker 1: that stuff. We all love it. So it's the perfect
Speaker 1: gift for literally anyone that you know and they would
Speaker 1: love to have it. So if you go to Amazon
Speaker 1: dot com Slash I Suck podcast, you can learn how
Speaker 1: to buy an Amazon Fire TV for yourself, for your family,
Speaker 1: for your friends. Maybe you have a boyfriend that you
Speaker 1: want to buy to impress, maybe you have a girlfriend,
Speaker 1: Maybe you have both. Maybe you just want to buy
Speaker 1: Amazon Fire TVs and hand them out on the street
Speaker 1: to random people. Those are all great ideas. Go to
Speaker 1: Amazon dot com Slash I Suck podcast and check out
Speaker 1: the Amazon Fire TV. Promise you won't regret it. You
Speaker 1: will have, like I said before, limitless entertainment at your fingertips,
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Speaker 1: Slash I Suck Podcast, be sure to check it out.
Speaker 1: Be the hero of this holiday season. Surprise your friends
Speaker 1: with the greatest gift of all. Check it out. I
Speaker 1: think that you know sometimes it's it's all a matter
Speaker 1: of like ego and your emotions and um. Once and
Speaker 1: we had these conversations with Dean, Jared and I, and
Speaker 1: I say it's a lot easier, you know, to be
Speaker 1: the person that well, actually, I don't know anymore. So
Speaker 1: if you're being the one that's being broken up with,
Speaker 1: you have all these unsolved questions, right, and sometimes you
Speaker 1: want to know why, why why? But in some cases
Speaker 1: you'll never get the answer to why, and you have
Speaker 1: to give yourself your own closure, and being able to
Speaker 1: give yourself that closure is hard. Um. And you want
Speaker 1: to reach out to that person, um, and you want
Speaker 1: your answers. UM. But actually I just posted on my
Speaker 1: Instagram a quote and it says, any relationship you have
Speaker 1: that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings,
Speaker 1: your standards and or expectations wasn't really stable enough to
Speaker 1: begin with. And it's so true. You know, it's really
Speaker 1: great that you're bringing this up for both of you,
Speaker 1: and maybe we can do like a little exercise here
Speaker 1: for a couple of minutes for each of you. One
Speaker 1: of the reasons I'm such a successful coaches I don't judge,
Speaker 1: I unconditionally love, I don't fix, and I'm this really
Speaker 1: deep space to get people and make them feel safe,
Speaker 1: seen and understood. Just rare most of us When we
Speaker 1: share our feelings to somebody, they have a rebuttal or
Speaker 1: a justification, or they give a reason, or they're not
Speaker 1: even listening, or they you know, and and thus it
Speaker 1: spins in our head. Communication is a two way process.
Speaker 1: A lot of people don't know this. They think it's
Speaker 1: just talk. No, that's only half of it. Unless it's
Speaker 1: received by another with no judgment, it stays spinning in
Speaker 1: our minds for decades and decades. It makes us crazy,
Speaker 1: but it's who is You're received and not agreed with,
Speaker 1: but just understood. It dissolved into nothing. And so I'll
Speaker 1: be your ex right now. If you want to play, um,
Speaker 1: and so, just start talking to me, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to receive you just so you can get it out
Speaker 1: of your system. And if being you want to play too,
Speaker 1: we can just get it out of your system. I'll
Speaker 1: just I'll receive Vanessa doing it. What are you not
Speaker 1: a giver? I'm more of a listener than I'm a talker. Um, well,
Speaker 1: what do you want to what do you want to say?
Speaker 1: Just like yourself with all of us. I don't think
Speaker 1: there's anything specific that I want to say. It was
Speaker 1: I mean, oh okay, right, Okay, I think what I
Speaker 1: would want to say. I value respect UM a lot,
Speaker 1: and respect in the sense that UM respect for me
Speaker 1: is like communicating and being honest and UM valuing a
Speaker 1: person's time. So I guess for me it would be
Speaker 1: why did you know it takes a week or whatever?
Speaker 1: I remember how long it was to communicate your feelings
Speaker 1: when all along, like the entire time we were casually dating,
Speaker 1: we were very upfront and honest about where we were
Speaker 1: and what we wanted, and um, the minute I guess
Speaker 1: doubt crept into his head. It took him a while
Speaker 1: to be able to put it into words. And instead
Speaker 1: of being like, hey, you know, I need a minute
Speaker 1: to just like sit with my thoughts and figure this out,
Speaker 1: it was like, let me ignore you for a couple
Speaker 1: of days. And then I started to start to started
Speaker 1: to think I did something wrong. And then I started
Speaker 1: to reevaluate the things that I was doing, and the
Speaker 1: doubt started creeping up in my head, and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: there's what did I do? I started I started dissecting
Speaker 1: um things that I was saying and doing, and uh.
Speaker 1: But then deep down own you know that that time
Speaker 1: alone made me realize, like, yeah, I know I don't
Speaker 1: want to be with this person. Hmm. Okay, so so
Speaker 1: can I give you feedback? Okay, So for like about
Speaker 1: like ten seconds or fishing seconds, you were actually talking
Speaker 1: right to him, but then you started talking about him
Speaker 1: in third person, and then you went up into your
Speaker 1: mind and then you started analyzing everything. This is the
Speaker 1: Achilles heel of me, everybody, this is what I've learned.
Speaker 1: When we start to go up in our brain, it
Speaker 1: just keeps spinning. But if you could actually like breax
Speaker 1: it to me as if I'm him in a way,
Speaker 1: that makes it land. And then not only and not
Speaker 1: only say the why, but let him know how it
Speaker 1: makes you feel, and like fully like that the whole thing,
Speaker 1: it'll actually stop spinning. All the questions will stop spinning.
Speaker 1: The promise, so take to well this is so this
Speaker 1: is I feel like the last So I don't feel
Speaker 1: like there's any form of a mode. I'm very neutral
Speaker 1: about this situation right now. So there's no I woke
Speaker 1: up this morning like like, okay, I don't feel anything,
Speaker 1: and I I guess it's because it's been you know,
Speaker 1: it's been a while since this this term ended or
Speaker 1: whatever you want to say, Um, so there's nothing that
Speaker 1: I personally need to get out. I don't know if
Speaker 1: Dean needs to get anything. Yeah, the chapter is definitely closed.
Speaker 1: And the thing is, I knew I didn't want to
Speaker 1: see I didn't see myself with him. Um long term,
Speaker 1: my I knew my ego got in the way of
Speaker 1: of me being like, all right, well we're both on
Speaker 1: the same page, let's move on. So so my only,
Speaker 1: my only coaching would be and maybe do this with
Speaker 1: a shot of tequila and a bag of chips in
Speaker 1: the bath or something like that. But but I encourage
Speaker 1: you to consider there could be a little anger. They're
Speaker 1: not sadness, to be sadness, but this idea, if somebody
Speaker 1: doesn't respect you right like, there's a fury around that,
Speaker 1: there's are how dare you so my coaching would be
Speaker 1: do like five or ten? How dare you just speak
Speaker 1: it out? Just speak it out, just to be sure
Speaker 1: that nothing's left in there? And then for bonus points,
Speaker 1: where did you disrespect yourself in the process? Where did
Speaker 1: you not respect your truth? Where did you not honor
Speaker 1: a red flag? Where did you have something like that?
Speaker 1: So begin Okay, so so what did you learn about
Speaker 1: where you didn't respect yourself because he's just a mirror
Speaker 1: one of the physics level. Nobody's even out there. It's
Speaker 1: all lightly like, you know, so he's you, isn't that close?
Speaker 1: But I mean he's not a not the most attract
Speaker 1: now kidding, Um, I think I knew it. There is
Speaker 1: still some theory in there that little comments, right, all right,
Speaker 1: I was just kidding. He's very attractive. Um, I think, No,
Speaker 1: I'm trying not to insult him. I don't think. I
Speaker 1: don't think anything badly about this person. I think we
Speaker 1: both knew where we where we wanted to take things.
Speaker 1: I think for me, where I disrespected myself or actually
Speaker 1: I knew there were red flags from the beginning. But
Speaker 1: I tend to give people a second chance. I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I think the first few times you
Speaker 1: interact with someone, there I call it the audition process
Speaker 1: where they're not truly authentically themselves, and I want to
Speaker 1: be able to give them a chance to really show
Speaker 1: give them a chance to be, you know, for them
Speaker 1: to be who they are. Um. So I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: maybe the red flags are there because he wasn't really himself.
Speaker 1: I started doing the opposite of that I've started whenever
Speaker 1: I meet someone setting the bar intentionally very very low
Speaker 1: for myself that way, later on there's only room for
Speaker 1: improvement for yourself, Like I will, I will talk more
Speaker 1: crap about myself than anything else. In that way, anything
Speaker 1: positive that I do is always like like, oh, look
Speaker 1: at that, But you do that to the person you're dating.
Speaker 1: So if I'm going on dates, I'm just like, unabashedly
Speaker 1: honest about all my shortcomings. Really, yes see, I feel
Speaker 1: like if a female does that, a guy's like, oh,
Speaker 1: like I don't want to deal with all these issues
Speaker 1: or she's too insecure. Well, in all transparency, I had
Speaker 1: it took a long time for me to get all
Speaker 1: of this straight. Like I've had two divorces, a crazy
Speaker 1: custody battle. So I'm not saying like I'm some perfect guru.
Speaker 1: But what I do know is that when we give
Speaker 1: people a second chance from our minds like it's the
Speaker 1: right thing to do, we often don't listen to our
Speaker 1: intuition and instincts. And the more we can balance the
Speaker 1: wisdom of our body of that uh huh and not
Speaker 1: over rely on our mind, which is often connected to
Speaker 1: fear hesitancy doing it right. Looking good, we make better decisions. Um,
Speaker 1: So how does that resonate? I do have one. I
Speaker 1: have one counter argument that you made earlier. I think
Speaker 1: you're saying something along the lines of love yourself first,
Speaker 1: love yourself or your flaws and stop trying to hide
Speaker 1: them over compensate. I to count you that. I actually
Speaker 1: I wrote something up about this the other day because
Speaker 1: I believe so passionately about it. I think, I think
Speaker 1: that's self loathing is the vehicle that drives us to
Speaker 1: self improvement. Right, And so if you sit back and
Speaker 1: you're like, I accept all of these flaws that I
Speaker 1: have in there, I'm perfect because of them, that doesn't
Speaker 1: necessarily make you strive to better those flaws, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. And so if you're if you're constantly
Speaker 1: down on yourself for these specific things, like I'm going
Speaker 1: to set out to improve these things about myself. But
Speaker 1: some things like let's say, I don't know, there's some
Speaker 1: things that like I wish I had, you know, like
Speaker 1: a bigger but let's say, so go to the gym,
Speaker 1: and you know, but there's like my buck can only
Speaker 1: grow as big as it gets, So I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: to appreciate my butt for what it is. Like. Okay,
Speaker 1: well this is the butt that I was blessed with.
Speaker 1: One thing you want to understand about science and energy
Speaker 1: is what you resist. Christis anything you push against you
Speaker 1: put energy into. So by by loathing a part of you,
Speaker 1: you can motivate yourself from fear. But it's a whole
Speaker 1: different thing to be inspired by your creativity and your love.
Speaker 1: And yeah, a lot of people can get results by
Speaker 1: hating the ship out of themselves, But at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, that is still keeping all of that
Speaker 1: self hatred alive, and it's going to bite you in
Speaker 1: the ask and you're going to attract somebody that's going
Speaker 1: to judge you as harshly as you're judging yourself. I'm
Speaker 1: not saying sit in your ass and do nothing. I'm
Speaker 1: asking you to check into the motivation. What if you're
Speaker 1: just present, not loathing yourself, not saying your flaws are fine.
Speaker 1: Making friends with your flaws doesn't mean you don't need
Speaker 1: to do anything about it, but it means you're stopping
Speaker 1: the resistance and you're actually being centered, grounded, present, aware,
Speaker 1: discerning mother from badass. That's who I am. That's what
Speaker 1: I'm creating, and that's where I'm going totally different than
Speaker 1: cruelty and and loathing and unkindness, because if you do
Speaker 1: that on the inside, I guarantee you you're going to
Speaker 1: attract a partner that's going to do it to you eventually.
Speaker 1: And I don't know your relationships being but if women
Speaker 1: have not honored you, respected you, been the wind in
Speaker 1: your wings up and and for you, it's only because
Speaker 1: that's inside what's going on within you, because that resonate
Speaker 1: at all a little bit. I think, well, I think
Speaker 1: just inherently I'm an crearily sarcastic person, and I can
Speaker 1: tend to attract the people that are equally a sarcastic
Speaker 1: back to me. And I think with that you get
Speaker 1: like a lot of like joking jabs, which you know,
Speaker 1: sometimes it's a little bit truth. And I guess, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I feel like, um uh, you know,
Speaker 1: when your room. For me, if my room as a disaster,
Speaker 1: that's how my my brain is feeling. It's a reflection.
Speaker 1: It's a reflection of how I'm feeling internally. And sometimes
Speaker 1: I try to ask myself, Okay, well, if I'm attracted
Speaker 1: to this person or if I'm saying yes to go
Speaker 1: on a date with this specific person. Why am I
Speaker 1: doing it? I want to know the wise behind it?
Speaker 1: Am I doing it for validation? Am I doing it? Yeah?
Speaker 1: So I'm at that that that point right now where um,
Speaker 1: I'm actually very happy being alone and I want to
Speaker 1: be able to focus and re refocus my energy on
Speaker 1: the things that matter the most to me and then
Speaker 1: the rest will fall into place. I I compared to um,
Speaker 1: when you're looking for specific purple dress with yellow polka
Speaker 1: dots and you go shopping, You're not going to find
Speaker 1: it because you're you're constantly like, that's all you're looking for,
Speaker 1: and you're ignoring everything else that's in the store. And
Speaker 1: then that one day you're going to go shopping, you're like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, it was like right on that rack.
Speaker 1: How did I not see it? So I'm I'm I'm
Speaker 1: applying that to my dating life right now, where I'm
Speaker 1: gonna just go with the flow and the right person
Speaker 1: will come along when the timing is right. I like
Speaker 1: that when I at interesting that you are so young.
Speaker 1: Of course, she said that the most important things she
Speaker 1: wants to teach women, but I think it applies for
Speaker 1: men as well is to fall madel in love with
Speaker 1: being alone. And that means you're not going out there
Speaker 1: to get attention or get approval or fill some void
Speaker 1: within you with the relationship. And so like before I said,
Speaker 1: you're present, you can choose you're in your best state,
Speaker 1: aligned with your creativity, your intuition, the divine, however you
Speaker 1: like to believe that, and that to me is your
Speaker 1: most sexy attractive self is when you don't need anything.
Speaker 1: Um So I completely love that, and um I do.
Speaker 1: I do appreciate the wisdom, the width, and the brilliance
Speaker 1: of people that are sarcastic. I think they tend to
Speaker 1: have higher intelligence than most people to make those kinds
Speaker 1: of witty jokes and stuff. But I think they undervalue
Speaker 1: the the their vulnerability, like their true um true vulnerability,
Speaker 1: true transparency, and they make they kind of fluff it
Speaker 1: off with some jokes because at the core of the
Speaker 1: core of the core, I I don't think there is
Speaker 1: balanced with emotional intelligence as intellectual intelligence, and and sarcasm
Speaker 1: ultimately has this little digging edge and my experience, at
Speaker 1: least with my clients, they can still be funny, they
Speaker 1: can still be brilliant, and witty. But when that little
Speaker 1: edge goes away and something inside balances into this equilibrium,
Speaker 1: the relationship that they attract next is extraordinary and healthy
Speaker 1: and rich and intimate. And before then it was always
Speaker 1: just a little bit of a of a block of
Speaker 1: a to that person, a little bit of an edge. Um,
Speaker 1: which is, if you're interested in all of that really deep,
Speaker 1: incredible lovemaking and divine intimate communion of being with your
Speaker 1: best friend, we want to put down every last one
Speaker 1: of our walls and let them in all the way.
Speaker 1: It's not possible if we're not in all the way
Speaker 1: to ourselves. So I have a question. You said you
Speaker 1: went through a divorce. You were divorced twice. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: And are you married now? No, I'm in a wonderful relationship.
Speaker 1: No I'm not married. You're in a wonderful relationship. So
Speaker 1: people keep telling me it's nice to stop worrying when
Speaker 1: you know you know? Hm, that apply, because I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: how come I've never known? Like? Is it because none
Speaker 1: of these guys I've ever dated were the right ones
Speaker 1: for me? Well, you guys are in your late twenties.
Speaker 1: I'm in my late I love you in my early thirties,
Speaker 1: and now I married my first husband. He was a tall,
Speaker 1: dark and hands the multimillionaire and I was an insecure
Speaker 1: little girl looking for daddy's love. That's really what it was.
Speaker 1: And I was a model in Japan and and he
Speaker 1: was this you know, well street broker and he I
Speaker 1: was all googly eyed, right, um, but I really wanted
Speaker 1: him to save me. And what I needed to do
Speaker 1: was save myself and love myself. So that ended. And
Speaker 1: the second one was when my mom, as I mentioned,
Speaker 1: was dying and I just didn't have the courage to
Speaker 1: face the pain of losing her. So I just wanted
Speaker 1: another relationship and let's have a baby so I don't
Speaker 1: have to feel this being. Let's just move on. So
Speaker 1: it was kind of very masculine and controlling, and obviously
Speaker 1: that one didn't work, and it went into a near
Speaker 1: custody battle where I lost everything that my ego appreciated.
Speaker 1: I lost my house, I lost my savings. I went
Speaker 1: into all this debt and I even lost some custody um.
Speaker 1: And it was humiliating, um, but it was the best
Speaker 1: thing for me because my ego was still running the show.
Speaker 1: I was still trying to look good do it right.
Speaker 1: When I was still driving, I wasn't at peace in
Speaker 1: the moment. I wasn't at peace in my body. I
Speaker 1: wasn't at peace with the divine. I wasn't at peace anywhere.
Speaker 1: And so with this inner work, and I call it
Speaker 1: like coming home to yourself, I I have this relationship
Speaker 1: where I hope you guys like me. It would be
Speaker 1: cool if you did, But at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: I don't give it. And I used to really really
Speaker 1: care so bad. Um in that inner I'm enough. I'm
Speaker 1: not perfect at all, but I'm enough that attracted this
Speaker 1: depth of relationship with this man where I can open
Speaker 1: my heart all the way. Like my best friend died
Speaker 1: when I was sixteen and I shot my heart and
Speaker 1: I thought, you know, I'm never gonna be shocked like
Speaker 1: that again. When I looked in his eyes, I could
Speaker 1: open all the way. I'm like, it's okay if you
Speaker 1: die first, Okay if I die first. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to close my heart again. And I know it's because
Speaker 1: of the inner work that I've done with this intimacy
Speaker 1: that I'm talking about, where even if I'm rejected, like
Speaker 1: he dies, even if he leaves me, I know I'm okay,
Speaker 1: and it seems to attract really rich ideals. I don't
Speaker 1: believe in like one solely. I think there's like probably
Speaker 1: quite a few people that would be an ideal match.
Speaker 1: You'll be able to attract someone that's for you. And
Speaker 1: this is another thing I want you guys to get,
Speaker 1: and you probably get this, but if you don't or
Speaker 1: the listeners don't. I used to think we only want
Speaker 1: a partner that's all good and for us, and everything's
Speaker 1: a contribution, and we you know, if it's if there's
Speaker 1: something about them that doesn't oracle, then they must not
Speaker 1: be the one. Here's the deal. We all have a purpose.
Speaker 1: We all have a mission vision purpose, right, our partner
Speaker 1: will equally challenge and support us for our mission envision.
Speaker 1: That's how you know it's an ideal person for you.
Speaker 1: No one is perfect. No one is going to not
Speaker 1: challenge you. But do they challenge you in a way
Speaker 1: that brings out the best in you or the worst
Speaker 1: in you? Do you want somebody that challenges you to
Speaker 1: be more of who you are, not undermined you and
Speaker 1: pulls you down? Did that make sense? Well, so you
Speaker 1: say that every person has multiple people out there for them.
Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on polyamory then, because this is
Speaker 1: something that I've talked to Vanessa and Jared about maybe
Speaker 1: in brief before. I'm just curious, like, what are the
Speaker 1: thoughts because it's like pretty widely accepted as taboo in
Speaker 1: a sense. Well, if you, if you, if we get
Speaker 1: to know each other over time and you read anything
Speaker 1: that I do, I have like no judgment. I have
Speaker 1: clients that are all sorts of different you know, desires
Speaker 1: for sexuality or same sex partners, etcetera. I'm all about
Speaker 1: getting somebody to their truth, and not everybody's wired the same.
Speaker 1: Some people are wired more for monogamy, some people are
Speaker 1: wired polyamory, some people are wired more for same sex.
Speaker 1: Everybody's wired for something different. It's not about what's the
Speaker 1: right or wrong, good or bad. It's like to answer
Speaker 1: you and are you willing to be brave enough to
Speaker 1: live it? That's more what I would say. So if
Speaker 1: you are interested in many partners, then be authentic, tell
Speaker 1: the truth, don't lead people on um, but be who
Speaker 1: you are. Oh yes, I want to highlight that, be
Speaker 1: authentic and be honest about it. So I want to
Speaker 1: ask Dean this um, were you into monogamy before moving
Speaker 1: out to Los Angeles. What are you saying I'm not
Speaker 1: into monogamy now? Well, no, what we have this is
Speaker 1: I posted something last time and you're like, oh not,
Speaker 1: We're not supposed to be monogamous beings. And I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: well so was it something that are you now aware
Speaker 1: of that? Of how you feel because of being in
Speaker 1: Los Angeles? Because I tried dating out here and and
Speaker 1: a lot of people that I was interested in did
Speaker 1: not believe in monogamy. I don't think it's the proximity
Speaker 1: of being in Los Angeles that has made me question things.
Speaker 1: It's just I think it is my therapist that told
Speaker 1: me this is. You know, I've been in many unsuccessful
Speaker 1: monogamous relationships, and you guys, well, why don't you try
Speaker 1: other types of relationships, suggesting like polyamory is one of them.
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, that's weird to me. But the only
Speaker 1: reason I think it's weird is because society is we
Speaker 1: think it's weird. But it's like, you're a move the
Speaker 1: marriage and religious and practical aspect of being in a relationship,
Speaker 1: and it's like, well, what do you have? You have
Speaker 1: a lot of polyamorous people or you know, you look back,
Speaker 1: I we I we watched that Netflix show UM explained
Speaker 1: to whatever it is on on monogamy, and it's like
Speaker 1: you look at bonobo's or or chimpanzees, which are like
Speaker 1: the closest relatives of humans, and how they are all polyamorous,
Speaker 1: UM and how it just is very natural for them,
Speaker 1: and it's just like, well, now, the only reason that
Speaker 1: we are monogamous is because marriage tells us to be
Speaker 1: that way, religion tells us to be that way, or
Speaker 1: just a society even if you're neither religious or I
Speaker 1: don't know, Yeah, I think it's a combination of both.
Speaker 1: And um Alanta, you mentioned this too. If you're wired
Speaker 1: to want to be monogamous, then everything else doesn't make sense.
Speaker 1: Like for me, I believe in monogamy. Strong they believe
Speaker 1: in monogamy. I don't know if it's my upbringing or
Speaker 1: if it's my traditional family, um, or it's just the
Speaker 1: way that I am wired. But I yeah, yeah, I've
Speaker 1: I've thought about him, like even the idea of a
Speaker 1: threesome for me, I can do. Oh, I'm not surprised
Speaker 1: you've never had a threesome. I'm way too, like sexually repressed.
Speaker 1: I'm very prude when it comes to Okay, this is
Speaker 1: that's your homework. And so I talked to you again.
Speaker 1: Sounds pretty exciting. Wait me, you and who should reinviting?
Speaker 1: We'll mark and Eastern I will spoken for Sorry, I'm
Speaker 1: very busy. I'm busy that we can really bad for me. Well,
Speaker 1: there's something about what we repressed, what we resist, it grows.
Speaker 1: And so even if just in your mind's eye and
Speaker 1: you don't actually do it physically, I still challenge you
Speaker 1: to do it. Um. I also challenge you to read
Speaker 1: Text at Dawn if you have and already, because it
Speaker 1: explores more about this idea of polyamory or monogamy. Um.
Speaker 1: Whatever you resist will persist. So I say go there
Speaker 1: in your fantasy so that you can get rid of
Speaker 1: any taboos of yourself. You can't get closer to what's
Speaker 1: true for you. And remember there's always going to be
Speaker 1: equal support and challenge with any relationship, monogamous or polyannorous. Casey,
Speaker 1: there's no green card, there's no hall path here. You're
Speaker 1: not going to get out of life without challenge or pain.
Speaker 1: So like, lean in and and face it and choose
Speaker 1: something that really works for you, and and one of
Speaker 1: those things I would give any of the listeners that
Speaker 1: are in a relationship. I always say to my boyfriend
Speaker 1: like I will never cheat, I never change you, and
Speaker 1: I will always be the woman that you would leave
Speaker 1: me for, and I challenge you to be the man
Speaker 1: I would leave you for. So I'm choosing on round
Speaker 1: three here not to get married again because I don't
Speaker 1: think the institution is terribly supportive. But I love being
Speaker 1: in a monogamous relationship where we challenge each other to
Speaker 1: one be the person that we would leave each other for,
Speaker 1: and to valunge them to be their best self and
Speaker 1: not have any control. And they're not a possession. Whatever
Speaker 1: we try to possess, we push away faster than anything.
Speaker 1: So I don't possess him and I'm not his possession.
Speaker 1: We choose to be together, and it's hot um in
Speaker 1: the minute we start to think each other is the
Speaker 1: source of our worthiness or our our happiness. I do
Speaker 1: want to talk to you guys about a couple of things,
Speaker 1: and one of those things is story Worth, which is
Speaker 1: a company that I just learned about. Eastan just learned
Speaker 1: about it as well, Vanessa. I don't know if you've
Speaker 1: heard about it or not. But what story worth is
Speaker 1: is a fun and easy way for you and your
Speaker 1: loved ones to share their stories with weekly emailed story
Speaker 1: prompts and questions you've never really thought to ask. And
Speaker 1: so the reason I love story works so much is
Speaker 1: because my family is really weird and we've done a
Speaker 1: lot of weird things separately in our lives, and whenever
Speaker 1: we come together, which isn't very often, we'll share those
Speaker 1: weird stories, those weird, ridiculous stories. But what story worth
Speaker 1: allows is you don't have to always be together in
Speaker 1: order to fully understand and what's happening in your siblings life.
Speaker 1: Of course, you know you're having phone calls and texting
Speaker 1: them throughout the weeks, the months, whatever it is, but
Speaker 1: there are so there's like some distinct stories that I
Speaker 1: just think are worth like sharing with with your siblings
Speaker 1: and having a keepsake and having it around forever. Like
Speaker 1: my brother, for instance, my second oldest brother, who I
Speaker 1: talked to maybe like once every six months. I love
Speaker 1: him to death. He's just like an off the grid
Speaker 1: kind of guy. Um, that's just how he prefers it.
Speaker 1: And whenever we get together he'll like tell me a
Speaker 1: story of how over the past six months he was
Speaker 1: like camping in the in the um mountains of Yellowstone,
Speaker 1: and he was like encountered a family of grizzly bears
Speaker 1: and how he had to like outrun them, and they
Speaker 1: were chasing him, and he like up a tree, and
Speaker 1: then they obviously can climb trees, so they climb the tree.
Speaker 1: I swear this is a real story. He said he
Speaker 1: was running and then the bears like ran to his
Speaker 1: camp to try and eat some of his food, and
Speaker 1: like like slapped a bear on the butt. And I
Speaker 1: don't know if I believe that he slapped the bear
Speaker 1: on the butt, but the fact is it's a it's
Speaker 1: a hilarious story that now, thanks to story Worth, we
Speaker 1: can have that memorialized forever, along with a lot of
Speaker 1: the other ones too. Like obviously, a lot of the
Speaker 1: stories that I share are kind of ridiculous, and I
Speaker 1: don't necessarily see the point in keeping them. But what's
Speaker 1: great is my siblings will be able to refer back
Speaker 1: to them long after I'm dead, which is probably gonna
Speaker 1: happen sooner rather than later. Um, And that's what you
Speaker 1: can do too, So so what story Worth does is
Speaker 1: or what you can do a story worth is you
Speaker 1: purchase a subscription for someone you love and each week
Speaker 1: they'll send them an email with questions about their life.
Speaker 1: It's it's simple. You basically reply to the email. You
Speaker 1: can record it over the phone by calling the story
Speaker 1: Worth number. All the stories are private and only shared
Speaker 1: with the family that you choose, and after a year,
Speaker 1: those stories will be bound into a beautiful keepsake book.
Speaker 1: And so it's cool. Every year you can just kind
Speaker 1: of have a new book about the past stories of
Speaker 1: the year, right, And so it's like you can look
Speaker 1: back in ten twenty years when you have a family
Speaker 1: and when you have these family reunions, whether it's Thanksgiving,
Speaker 1: whether it's Christmas, whatever it is, you can look back
Speaker 1: and look, oh, in two eighteen ross, remember you slap
Speaker 1: that bear on the button and yellow still And they'll
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, I mean, I don't know how long
Speaker 1: I would have been sounding like in twenty years from now.
Speaker 1: But that what's so cool about it. So I you've
Speaker 1: got a story worth dot com slash help our listeners
Speaker 1: will get twenty dollars off their subscription, and that's great
Speaker 1: because these memories are yours and your family members, your friends,
Speaker 1: and they will last forever thanks the story Worth. Even
Speaker 1: if you like have the foresight to write down all
Speaker 1: these great stories, and I know you have an insane amount,
Speaker 1: Like it's so much cooler to be able to hand
Speaker 1: someone like a real like a book that you can
Speaker 1: hold in your hands, that like tactile energy as opposed
Speaker 1: to like emailing someone a word document or something like.
Speaker 1: That's what I really like about this is like if
Speaker 1: I have some crazy story that I am prompted to write,
Speaker 1: but from from story Worth, like for example, they send
Speaker 1: out these questions like, um uh, what are your favorite movies?
Speaker 1: What do people get wrong about you? Uh? What's your secret?
Speaker 1: That's that's a that's a story in itself. Um. Then
Speaker 1: I can just hand someone a book and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: check this out. You'll learn everything about What's great about
Speaker 1: it too, is I don't know. I'm sure you have
Speaker 1: a direct experience with this as as most people do.
Speaker 1: Is as stories get told throughout the years. Every time
Speaker 1: that story gets told, like a minor detail changes and
Speaker 1: then at the time that story has changed, it goes
Speaker 1: from a family of two small black bears to a
Speaker 1: pack of stumbling grizzly bearries or floaming at the mouth
Speaker 1: like that kind of thing. And so it's great about
Speaker 1: story where it is it kind of maintains accuracy of
Speaker 1: the story. It keeps you honest. And I'm guilty of that.
Speaker 1: I tend to embellish stories for the sake of dramatics,
Speaker 1: et cetera. I have friends who are even worse at
Speaker 1: it than I am. And so what's great with story
Speaker 1: worth is is, like I said, it's all written down.
Speaker 1: You can hand them the book, you can you can
Speaker 1: keep those books on the shelf, um keep obviously the
Speaker 1: online you are l as well. So basically you'll have
Speaker 1: access to stories at any time. And it's just a
Speaker 1: beautiful thing because it's like, obviously we all get this
Speaker 1: sentimental feeling whenever we share the stories that we share
Speaker 1: sitting around a campfire or or just around a dinner table,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, and this is a great way to
Speaker 1: kind of keep them around forever and ever. So again,
Speaker 1: go to story worth dot com slash help and you'll
Speaker 1: get twenty dollars off when you subscribe, and like I said,
Speaker 1: they're gonna email you guys weekly. You can obviously, like
Speaker 1: a sign who you want to get emails all that
Speaker 1: kind of stuff. Um, And it's just a great way
Speaker 1: to keep in touch. It's a great way to like
Speaker 1: open different avenues of conversations that you never really would
Speaker 1: have before with siblings, with family members, whoever. It is, um,
Speaker 1: So check it out. I'll give you the the the
Speaker 1: you r a one more time at story worth dot com.
Speaker 1: Slash help that's h E l P for twenty dollars
Speaker 1: off your subscription. Check it out. And like I said,
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about two things while I'm just
Speaker 1: rambling on over here. Sometimes I get sick of just
Speaker 1: hearing myself talk. You have a lovely voice, though it's
Speaker 1: a lot of fun. I'm a little congested today, that's okay,
Speaker 1: and that's wrong with that? Yeah, okay, well, thank you.
Speaker 1: Something that I think that Ashley I Connetie would maybe
Speaker 1: be better at discussing is this is Hers. Have you
Speaker 1: heard of Hers? So? Hers is a woman's wellness brand
Speaker 1: delivering prescriptions straight to your door. And what's great about
Speaker 1: that is like, look, obviously it's a woman's prescription or
Speaker 1: it's a woman's wellness brand, so I'm not going to
Speaker 1: be using it directly, But what I love about it
Speaker 1: is obviously we're living in in a day and age
Speaker 1: of basically having things onto man delivered straight to our door.
Speaker 1: But one of those things it's hard to get delivered
Speaker 1: your doors prescription medication. And one thing that's so important
Speaker 1: about skincare especially is that prescription medic prescriptions can care
Speaker 1: so much better than marketing or just like off the
Speaker 1: shelves can care. Otherwise, you're paying for the people that
Speaker 1: spend the most money on our marketing versus paying for
Speaker 1: the thing that your skin actually needs. And so it's
Speaker 1: great about Hers and what I what I love about
Speaker 1: Her is even though again I'm not I'm not using
Speaker 1: it because it's a woman's wellness brands, what's great about
Speaker 1: it is they are a prescription skincare brand that delivers
Speaker 1: straight to your door. So it's not about you needing
Speaker 1: to change something about your face. It's about finally receiving
Speaker 1: products that address your needs like acne, sunspots, uneven skin texture,
Speaker 1: and large pores scars. These are all concerns that can
Speaker 1: be addressed with science, and Hers addresses that science products
Speaker 1: with active ingredients found at a dermatologists office. My wife
Speaker 1: is super into skincare. UM. It's one of her great
Speaker 1: passions and uh, I know nothing about it, um, And
Speaker 1: uh she always says like if you're if you're not
Speaker 1: using like science based prescription skiing care products, and like
Speaker 1: it's it's almost like not worth doing. She taught me
Speaker 1: the difference between chemical and physical sunscreen. That's a very
Speaker 1: important important thing to worry about, especially here in southern
Speaker 1: California where we have no ozone layer and skin cancer
Speaker 1: is rampant. Uh So the thing I like about Hers
Speaker 1: is it takes all the guesswork out of it. It
Speaker 1: really helps you. Um. First of all, comes right to
Speaker 1: your door, like you said, which is super convenient, but
Speaker 1: it also helps you pick out what's right for you.
Speaker 1: That's beautiful. It's wonderful helping people around the world. And
Speaker 1: so right now our listeners Eastern and Vanessa can get
Speaker 1: a trial month of the customized acne kit from Hers
Speaker 1: for off right now while supplies last. See the website
Speaker 1: for full details. But this would cost hundreds if you
Speaker 1: went to a doctor's office or a pharmacy. And obviously
Speaker 1: it's it's it's the day and age where convenience and
Speaker 1: price are very important to people and Hers has kind
Speaker 1: of tackled both of the issues. For Hers dot com
Speaker 1: slash Dean twenty and you'll get off you're very first
Speaker 1: customized acne kit from Hers. Check it out, let us
Speaker 1: know what you think. Again, prescription based skin care products
Speaker 1: significantly better than off the shelf You're if you're struggling
Speaker 1: with acne anything like that. I wish Hers was around
Speaker 1: when I was sixteen, because I, as most teenagers do,
Speaker 1: struggle with acne so bad. Um That's part of why
Speaker 1: I just like I've kind of adopted a whole holistic approach.
Speaker 1: But Hers has been proven to work. I know Ashley
Speaker 1: loves her. She talks about it all the time, even
Speaker 1: like Gared will come in and talk about Ashley using
Speaker 1: her Hers and how she's got her prescription deliver to
Speaker 1: the house and all that kind of stuff. And I
Speaker 1: know actually struggles even to this day with with her
Speaker 1: acne and stuff, and so when she has a breakout,
Speaker 1: it's nice for her to be able to um have
Speaker 1: the Hers prescription deliver straight to the house. So check
Speaker 1: it out for Hers dot com, slash dean off your
Speaker 1: very first subscription and have clean skin for the holidays.
Speaker 1: I feel like it's a pretty strong statement to be
Speaker 1: the person we'd leave each other for. Mh. Doesn't that
Speaker 1: just row you up? Yeah? But that means you would
Speaker 1: be your best self all the time. You wouldn't take
Speaker 1: them for granted, you wouldn't um arrest on your laurel.
Speaker 1: You would be your most authentic self. And thus the
Speaker 1: other person is so inspired by you being your most
Speaker 1: authentic self. And if your most authentic self is not
Speaker 1: a match, release them, let them go be with their
Speaker 1: most ideal Matt, You're you're You're worth your safety or security.
Speaker 1: Your approval is not based on their on them, that's unhealthy.
Speaker 1: It needs to be based on the inside. That's when
Speaker 1: you're centered. And we've discussed that quite a bit in
Speaker 1: the past because we'll have like listeners email in and
Speaker 1: have questions about their relationship, and quite often we'll see
Speaker 1: this codependence that is like very unhealthy and it sounds
Speaker 1: like that's kind of what your anti You know, you
Speaker 1: don't want to have. You want to maybe to a
Speaker 1: certain degree, you want to have the codependence, but you
Speaker 1: want to be able to exist outside of that partner
Speaker 1: of yours. Yeah, you want to be healthy in all
Speaker 1: eight areas of your life. And you know what, I
Speaker 1: just realized it's eleven fifty one and I have my
Speaker 1: client it from the Netherlands, like right now, so I
Speaker 1: need to go. Well, thank you for calling. And we
Speaker 1: appreciate all of the words of wisdom that you had
Speaker 1: to impart on us. Thank you. Thank you so much more.
Speaker 1: And I'd like to hear how your challenges go. We'll
Speaker 1: go back with you later on. All right, much love
Speaker 1: to you both. Thank you. She didn't really have much
Speaker 1: to say in the terms of sex, which I was
Speaker 1: expecting intimacy could be more right, exactly intimacy she she
Speaker 1: meant more like connecting and being vulnerable and and and
Speaker 1: I thought it was going to be more sexy. Wi.
Speaker 1: I feel like she's like on a path to enlightenment almost.
Speaker 1: You see things like, uh, release attachment, intimacy with self,
Speaker 1: tell the truth. I feel like those are all necessary
Speaker 1: steps like on your path to enlightenment in my eyes. So, Dean,
Speaker 1: we keep talking about like people I'm dating, the people
Speaker 1: that I'm not dating, the people that screw me over
Speaker 1: and all that. What's going on in your love life? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I have no idea. I kind of like that you
Speaker 1: don't have an idea, but this is a podcast on relationships. Yes,
Speaker 1: I think it's it's been known that I'm dating, I'm
Speaker 1: going on dates with people. Okay, it's going okay. So
Speaker 1: are you going on dates with people? Um, because you're
Speaker 1: you want to be in a relationship or you're going
Speaker 1: on dates with people because you're like I want to
Speaker 1: flirt and I want to be intimate. Not intimate in
Speaker 1: terms of sexy times, like intimate in terms of connecting
Speaker 1: with someone. Um, I think that you can achieve a
Speaker 1: level of closeness with someone only by going on dates
Speaker 1: with them, Like you can't achieve a certain level of
Speaker 1: closes with like close guy friends, you know, because like
Speaker 1: there's just like certain limits barriers set to two places
Speaker 1: you can get with them. I guess. So, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I've been going on dates. I October is always a
Speaker 1: tough month for me. It's funny, this is something I
Speaker 1: experienced last weekend. Um, so October is the anniversary of
Speaker 1: my mother passing, and I always get like closed off
Speaker 1: and all sal and like dismissive of people. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: so like this year, I've like I've been going on
Speaker 1: a few dates with this one girl consistently, like once
Speaker 1: a week or whatever it is, um, And I made
Speaker 1: her very aware of this. I'm like, look like this
Speaker 1: is a tough time for me, um, just so you
Speaker 1: know what, I'm gonna be closed off, I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: like probably hard to talk to, blah blah blah. And
Speaker 1: she's been like super supportive, like even like surprised me
Speaker 1: with like a few gifts that would like remind me
Speaker 1: of my mother and like all that kind of stuff,
Speaker 1: very thoughtful, very kind of very and then like the
Speaker 1: other like, Okay, a couple of days ago, I was
Speaker 1: like being short and hard to talk to, and then
Speaker 1: she got really upset with me because of that, and
Speaker 1: I was like, well, you can't get upset with me, because,
Speaker 1: like I told you, like this is something that you
Speaker 1: should be expecting, Like this is a difficult time for me.
Speaker 1: I'm being like who I am every like the truest,
Speaker 1: truest self that I can be, and like I'm sorry
Speaker 1: if you don't like it. If you don't like it,
Speaker 1: like you can leave. I don't want you to leave,
Speaker 1: but like I also don't feel like you should be
Speaker 1: attacking me because not attacking me, but like getting upset
Speaker 1: with me because but I also feel like women are
Speaker 1: extremely patient to begin with, and then we're nurturing beings
Speaker 1: and we want to be there for the people that
Speaker 1: we love and that we care for. Um, do you
Speaker 1: think maybe like I dated someone who did absolutely nothing
Speaker 1: for my birthday and sent me like the most generic
Speaker 1: text message, and other exs of mine were like sending
Speaker 1: me flowers and saying, hey, let's grab dinner, like you're
Speaker 1: never in town, I want to see you. And and
Speaker 1: so I told this person, I feel like you're romantically
Speaker 1: lazy and you're used and he's like, well, I'm just
Speaker 1: not good at this stuff. And I'm like, well, you're
Speaker 1: using that as an excuse. You're saying I'm not good
Speaker 1: at that. But instead of saying, instead of acknowledging that
Speaker 1: you're not great at it and that you want to
Speaker 1: be better at it, I don't want to have to
Speaker 1: deal with like, oh, well, you know what, I'm not
Speaker 1: going to expect anything, or I'm right. It's he's setting
Speaker 1: the barlow, like Being was talking about earlier when what
Speaker 1: I was going to interrupt Atlanta when she was talking
Speaker 1: to but I decided not to. Is one of the
Speaker 1: best things about not dating anyone is the fact that
Speaker 1: you're never going to disappoint anyone. And I feel like
Speaker 1: that's one of the things that I'm dealing with, is like,
Speaker 1: if I'm not dating anyone, then I'm not gonna no
Speaker 1: one's gonna be disappointed in me, because I typically tend
Speaker 1: to disappoint people that I didn't start dating at some
Speaker 1: point to some degree, you know, And if I don't
Speaker 1: have a significant other, do you think it's because, um,
Speaker 1: were you always as open in communicating. You're getting better
Speaker 1: at it, right, right, So maybe that's why the disappointment
Speaker 1: was there, because you weren't aware of how you were
Speaker 1: feeling and then not being able to communicate. Because girls
Speaker 1: like I romanticize relationships and you know, if you're giving
Speaker 1: me the signs that are like, oh, I really like her,
Speaker 1: and then you do something that proves to me that
Speaker 1: you don't like me, it's it gets me so confused.
Speaker 1: So does that make sense? Yeah, it kind of does.
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess I'll let you I'll give you, guys,
Speaker 1: some more insight into this dating relationship that I've been
Speaker 1: in for the past couple of weeks or so months whatever.
Speaker 1: It is, again very casual dating, but we've assigned a word,
Speaker 1: a safe word of sorts where I am a person
Speaker 1: that very much depends on my alone time, like I
Speaker 1: like to be alone as not as often as I
Speaker 1: can be, but I have a very limited amount of
Speaker 1: social energy. And we assigned this word. The word is spatula.
Speaker 1: And if something comes up and she's like, hey, like
Speaker 1: I want to hang out with you, and I I don't,
Speaker 1: like say spatula and ship and that's the word saying like,
Speaker 1: it's not that I don't want to hang out with you,
Speaker 1: it's just I need to be by myself and be
Speaker 1: alone right now. And that's something that I never would
Speaker 1: have communicated before. Before I would be like, yeah, like
Speaker 1: let's hang out, and then I would be like absent
Speaker 1: from the conversation or absent from hanging out, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. Um, And so that's that's something that
Speaker 1: I've been working on as well. But then that like
Speaker 1: leads to again more disappoint where it's like, hey, like
Speaker 1: let's hang out, and I was like, it's batchel, Like
Speaker 1: I don't really feel like hanging out. Is there a
Speaker 1: quota where you can say spatchelor like maybe five times
Speaker 1: in the week. Initially, we set limitations like, Okay, we'll
Speaker 1: only see each other once a week maximum, Like we
Speaker 1: want see each other more than once a week. Now
Speaker 1: it's like we'll see each other twice a week every
Speaker 1: once in a while, and it's like obviously, like expectations
Speaker 1: begin to grow and higher expectations get the or there
Speaker 1: is room for being like a lot of patients required
Speaker 1: dating a Danunglert. Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine.
Speaker 1: If I had a daughter, I would tell her to say,
Speaker 1: I appreciate that you're honest about that. I appreciate that
Speaker 1: you're aware of it right, but honestly, you can only
Speaker 1: get you so far to the point where you're I'm
Speaker 1: still going to disappoint someone at some point. I always
Speaker 1: say this, be careful who you hang out with, because
Speaker 1: you might just end up with them. So you might
Speaker 1: just casually be hanging out like I was casually hanging
Speaker 1: out with someone, and then obviously I started growing feelings
Speaker 1: for the person because you start being more intimate, and um,
Speaker 1: you start opening up and you start connecting on different levels.
Speaker 1: But deep down I'm like, no, this is I know
Speaker 1: this is not my person. And then you start developing
Speaker 1: these ideas of the future and all that. So I
Speaker 1: always say, I be open to dating, but also be
Speaker 1: careful with the people that you let in because you
Speaker 1: might just end up with them. Back to the guy
Speaker 1: you were dating who did the bad birthday message, did
Speaker 1: at least make the balloons show up? Nothing? Nothing right,
Speaker 1: I'm like, just said me a lollipop that says, hey,
Speaker 1: suck on this, like that's the thing, and him saying
Speaker 1: I'm not good at that stuff. It's all about effort, right,
Speaker 1: Like if he had done something and you hated it,
Speaker 1: that's when you can say, well, I'm not good about that,
Speaker 1: but you would have appreciated because effort into it. What
Speaker 1: he was saying is I don't want to do that
Speaker 1: stuff for you. Challenging from his perspective, though, say he
Speaker 1: does go out of his way to do something, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna start thinking, oh, there's something more right. I thought
Speaker 1: about that too, I'm like, all right, cool, But then
Speaker 1: like kept calling me all day, and I was with
Speaker 1: my like calling me FaceTime and calling and FaceTime, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, I'm with my family right now, where
Speaker 1: my sister and my brother all born in September, so
Speaker 1: we're all celebrating together. And then I get home, all right.
Speaker 1: I get home and there's a package waiting from in
Speaker 1: front of my door, and I'm like, yeah, and it's
Speaker 1: my best friend that sent me, that sent me efforts.
Speaker 1: So he was trying to FaceTime you. He was facetiming
Speaker 1: and that was his big birthday, right, maybe he had
Speaker 1: a surprise waiting for you on his end of the Nope,
Speaker 1: I answered FaceTime, and then I was like, Nope, nothing there. Indeed,
Speaker 1: I worry that this is all a self fulfilling prophecy
Speaker 1: for you. Like I feel like if you went into
Speaker 1: a relationship without that in your head that I'm going
Speaker 1: to disappoint this person. I know it's easier said than done,
Speaker 1: then you wouldn't disappoint this person. Like I feel like
Speaker 1: you're disappointed because you tell yourself you're going to But
Speaker 1: it's also you might just be dating the wrong people.
Speaker 1: But also, let's think about it this way, guys. Let's
Speaker 1: say I go into a prospective relationship all odds against it, right,
Speaker 1: and somehow it still manages to break through all these
Speaker 1: filters and turns out to be something that I can say,
Speaker 1: against all odds, this relationship worked out, which means it
Speaker 1: must be something that's good, you know, against all these
Speaker 1: negatives against no matter how low I set the bar,
Speaker 1: no matter how honest I am about all of my shortcomings,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, here we are. We're still in We're
Speaker 1: in a relationship. And because of all of the like,
Speaker 1: you've seen me at my worst and so now we
Speaker 1: get to grow together. I get that. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's right, but I just want to say,
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you for being self aware, being
Speaker 1: open about you know, doing therapy and being open about
Speaker 1: the being open about how you feel and and all
Speaker 1: those things with a person that you're dating. Every girl
Speaker 1: wants that. It's very refreshing. And it's kind of weird too, because, uh,
Speaker 1: it's only happened maybe recently over the past, like how
Speaker 1: long I've been single for six months where I'm like, look,
Speaker 1: this is who I am. I don't necessarily care if
Speaker 1: you want to keep dating me or not. This is
Speaker 1: just like who I am, and this is what you
Speaker 1: would be dealing with on a regular basis, Like if
Speaker 1: we were to continue hanging out when before like three
Speaker 1: or four years ago, I would like, like you said,
Speaker 1: it's like an audition process. We're like, oh, here I am.
Speaker 1: I am this person and drive this car and I
Speaker 1: make this much money. And I'm like, no, I'm unemployed.
Speaker 1: I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.
Speaker 1: Like this is me just just you know, take me
Speaker 1: or leave me kind of thing. And more often than not,
Speaker 1: as I've experienced, it's been like it works out better.
Speaker 1: It's like welcome, welcomed with open arms. Well, that's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's part of it that you've are you a guy?
Speaker 1: That's you strike me as a guy who has not
Speaker 1: had trouble finding women who want to date him? Is
Speaker 1: that accurate? Come on, Dean, we all want to date you.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know how to answer that question. No,
Speaker 1: he's being humble. Yes, women flocked to him, That's what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I'm wondering if part of it is that,
Speaker 1: Like I wonder if you would be more um less attractive. No, No,
Speaker 1: I wonder that if if in a relationship, you would
Speaker 1: be more all in if it was less of a commodity,
Speaker 1: it was less, it was less, if it was a
Speaker 1: less common situation. I'm like, oh, because he knows there's
Speaker 1: other options. Yeah, because always going to be other options
Speaker 1: where a guy like me and I'm going to include
Speaker 1: East and this as well. When we back when we
Speaker 1: were single and a woman was interested spending time with us,
Speaker 1: Like holy, that's the greatest thing ever. I'm going to
Speaker 1: move heaven and earth to make sure she's always happy
Speaker 1: and never wants to go anywhere else. There's something to
Speaker 1: be said about I'm not gonna say you guys are
Speaker 1: obviously years old, but before right, it's very different. Thing
Speaker 1: has changed in the last seven five that's true, very
Speaker 1: less connected, right, So only people you really knew was
Speaker 1: like the small area that you were growing up in,
Speaker 1: the eight people that were close within your proximity. But
Speaker 1: now it's like you're connected to everyone in the world.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to say that's the reason behind anything.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying there is also it's like a paradox
Speaker 1: in a sense. It's like the more people you know,
Speaker 1: the more challenging those things become. I don't think that's
Speaker 1: necessarily what afflicts me. It might to a degree that
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily understand, but like I don't know, I
Speaker 1: I'm just waiting for that relationship to come along where
Speaker 1: it's like I don't care about anything else. Okay, so
Speaker 1: now you got me thinking Mark, I should go for
Speaker 1: a guy no social media that basically is like, this
Speaker 1: is the only girl that ever gave me attention. Well,
Speaker 1: he will treat you really well. I'll tell you that
Speaker 1: I did that, and I know that woman has to
Speaker 1: find a judge in an attorney to leave me. I
Speaker 1: mean slide into my dams. Guys, I'm open. What's that
Speaker 1: mean where it's like the first guy who thought of
Speaker 1: marriage was a weirdo. He's like, I love you so much.
Speaker 1: I want to get the government involved. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean maybe maybe not, but that's it seems to
Speaker 1: me that there's that Dean is. Look, Dean is a
Speaker 1: great looking guy. I don't mind telling you that. And
Speaker 1: I'm a guy that I missed that a lot of times,
Speaker 1: Like people will say to me that guy so hot
Speaker 1: of like really that guy like didn't even occur to me.
Speaker 1: Dean the first thing we have, like, look at that guy,
Speaker 1: and I will say a lot better looking in person? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you do. You have a presence and it's like it's
Speaker 1: striking if I keep going, I know how uncomfortable you Again,
Speaker 1: when people give you compliments. I just can't imagine what
Speaker 1: that's like. And so I wonder if it changes you
Speaker 1: out like on the whole world and and by the way,
Speaker 1: same with beautiful women, same kind of thing. The thing is,
Speaker 1: do you realize that you're like, do you realize because
Speaker 1: you say, like I mentioned all my shortcomings and I
Speaker 1: talk about how this and that. Do you realize all
Speaker 1: the qualities that you do have? And do you own that?
Speaker 1: I think those negative qualities are also my positive qualities.
Speaker 1: You know. It's like when you're in job interview, they're like,
Speaker 1: tell me your strengths. You're like, oh, I work too hard,
Speaker 1: I care too much. It's like, your shortcomings are also
Speaker 1: your strengths. Okay, so let's do this. If my willingness
Speaker 1: and openness to like identify my faults also, I think
Speaker 1: is good because without identifying them, you're not able to
Speaker 1: work on. That's good. It's good to be aware of
Speaker 1: those things. But also I don't think you're aware of
Speaker 1: your positive quality as much as you should. I want
Speaker 1: to talk about two more things before we jump into
Speaker 1: the final spot. The final segment of the this week's episode,
Speaker 1: and thank you so much for it for tuning in
Speaker 1: and listening up till now. We've talked about it before,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about it again. And they're fantastic.
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Speaker 1: what you might be susceptible to in terms of potential illnesses,
Speaker 1: things about your your sleeping patterns, your ear lobes, everything
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Speaker 1: to diagnose what's the word I'm looking for, is able
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Speaker 1: two or three years ago, and they delivered the kit
Speaker 1: I got, like the health kit, so I wanted to
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Speaker 1: where I was from. But then you can also upgrade
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Speaker 1: I didn't read the directions and I closed the tube
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Speaker 1: this box and send it back to us, and I
Speaker 1: was like, no, crap, UM, but I I messed the
Speaker 1: tube part up where once you put your saliva in
Speaker 1: the tube, you have to um seal it and you
Speaker 1: can't reopen it. And I contacted them and literally with
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Speaker 1: I don't want to wait any longer to get these results.
Speaker 1: But literally the best customer service that they got me
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Speaker 1: about yourself. So, um, you have a friend who is
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Speaker 1: able to get in touch with them and they met
Speaker 1: up and she has this this loving new part of
Speaker 1: her family now, these people she's never known but she's
Speaker 1: related to. And uh, it was really a like huge
Speaker 1: deal and a huge part of her life to to
Speaker 1: do this something she really thought was just gonna be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm twenty eight percent Cherokee and things like that. And
Speaker 1: I thought that it was pretty amazing that I can
Speaker 1: do that kind of a humble brag for yourself, because
Speaker 1: that's you basically to her that right, did I did.
Speaker 1: She thanks me for changing her entire life that gift.
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Speaker 1: Some traits that they can also identify, like cilantro, taste, diversion,
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Speaker 1: that's interesting. It's like what noises people like and what
Speaker 1: like because some people some people hate the sound of
Speaker 1: fingernails on a chalkboard, like hate it. I find it
Speaker 1: quite soothing. I enjoy that sound. Uh, just like I
Speaker 1: enjoy cilantro. These are all things that your genetics makeup
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Speaker 1: check out Spit as well on the I Heart Radio
Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to podcasts. Okay, So one
Speaker 1: thing that I want to talk about before we we
Speaker 1: jump into our final segment as well. It's something that's
Speaker 1: near and dear to my heart, and that's Third Love.
Speaker 1: And they're near and near to my heart, not just
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Speaker 1: it's we can't have the podcast, but because they're helping
Speaker 1: women everywhere. Did you know that over ten million women
Speaker 1: have taken this quiz to date? Eastern? I did not
Speaker 1: know that. And what quiz would that be? Dean? Did
Speaker 1: you know that fifty of women fall in between standard
Speaker 1: cup sizes? Eastern? Oh, I did not know that. It's
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Speaker 1: very first order and back to before. It's great to
Speaker 1: get presents for other people for holidays, for Christmas, for
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Speaker 1: properly fitting bra. I mean I've definitely written some down,
Speaker 1: Like I have like three that I wrote down. I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I love how open minded I am.
Speaker 1: I love how accepting I am. Like that, what would
Speaker 1: make you a great partner? And then I'll do the same.
Speaker 1: I'll do this exercise exercise do you want me to start?
Speaker 1: To do with physical do you want me to start?
Speaker 1: I'm sure. I'm like, I got a list of things
Speaker 1: that I know would make me a great part I
Speaker 1: don't know, I just turned sudden there, but okay, I'm
Speaker 1: extremely loyal, um extremely like to the point where if
Speaker 1: a guy will like talk to me at a bar
Speaker 1: and I will not even give them the time of day,
Speaker 1: I'm like, Nope, got a man like I'm not even
Speaker 1: going to give my my energy another human another man
Speaker 1: right now. Very loyal, um, very affectionate, and that's one
Speaker 1: of my biggest love languages, Like I love to just
Speaker 1: like physical touch for me is very big. Um. I'm
Speaker 1: very thoughtful. If I'm at the grocery store somewhere and
Speaker 1: I see something like a banana or whatever. You know,
Speaker 1: if I know my man loves chocolate chip cookies, I'll
Speaker 1: go to the chocolate chip cookies aisle and I'll buy
Speaker 1: him a box with like and I'll leave a little
Speaker 1: note there. Um Um I am. I respect people's space.
Speaker 1: I'm not like, let's hang out five hundred hours in
Speaker 1: a day. I like to do my own thing, and
Speaker 1: I like coming together when we both have the time
Speaker 1: to dedicate to the relationship and actually be present. Um.
Speaker 1: Very encouraging. So whatever my significant other is doing in
Speaker 1: terms of his workers career, I will be there to
Speaker 1: cheerly him one support him on. If he's like, um,
Speaker 1: you know, an aspiring writer and right now he doesn't have,
Speaker 1: like his book is not anything. I will be like
Speaker 1: if that's what makes you happy, and that's what makes
Speaker 1: you smile. Um in the morning, when you wake up,
Speaker 1: then I will encourage you to do that. Um, I cook,
Speaker 1: I clean, I'm great in bed. I mean, let's just
Speaker 1: keeps going on and on. Let's expand upon the I'm great.
Speaker 1: I'm not. And I'm really shocked that you said that
Speaker 1: you're prude in bed. We're going to get back to that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not. And the thing is like, I don't listen,
Speaker 1: I don't sleep around. Um and and people who could
Speaker 1: have those casual relationships, that's great if you're able to
Speaker 1: do that. And like Alana was, Alana was saying, Uh,
Speaker 1: some people are wired to be monogamous. I'm wired to
Speaker 1: be monogamous, and I will only be intimate with people
Speaker 1: that i'm in um a relationship with or that it's
Speaker 1: leading to being in a relationship with some very selective
Speaker 1: with the people that I get intimate with. So what
Speaker 1: makes a person great in bed? Yeah? What makes a
Speaker 1: person I think, Um, no, you don't need to be hot.
Speaker 1: I think it's confidence, confidence in knowing what your body needs,
Speaker 1: as opposed to like, oh let me try doing this
Speaker 1: because I think it's going to please that guy. Like
Speaker 1: everybody's made differently, and I think it comes down to
Speaker 1: being comfortable with knowing what it is that you want
Speaker 1: uh in bed and you know, um, not self conscious,
Speaker 1: I know that, not self conscious? Yeah yeah, Like of
Speaker 1: course there's certain things about my body. I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I wish I had I wish I had that like
Speaker 1: sully light on my ass. But I'm like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I got a bubble butt and I'm gonna have some
Speaker 1: sullly light on my ass. And that comes with the territory.
Speaker 1: But that's who you are, and if they're they're they're
Speaker 1: enjoying you for who you are, so you shouldn't be
Speaker 1: there's too much of that. There's too much self consciousness.
Speaker 1: In my opinion. We are who we are. But what good?
Speaker 1: What means? What makes you a dynamo in the sex?
Speaker 1: But I forget what the word is positions? No, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't even say. I think it's I think it's what's
Speaker 1: that word like ex adventurous, adventurous? Um, But like I'm
Speaker 1: I'm I forget there's like a specific word like, yes,
Speaker 1: you're also a freak in the streets to you know
Speaker 1: that right now? I'm not, so what is it the
Speaker 1: same list? Because it might be what makes a guy
Speaker 1: grade in bad, great question, mark, Um, well for me,
Speaker 1: so it might be different for other women. Um, feeling
Speaker 1: a form of connection, so not like being robotic like
Speaker 1: my you know, like now I can please myself. So
Speaker 1: what's the connection? Is that eye contact? Not even eye contact?
Speaker 1: I think it's like for me, it's like physical touched
Speaker 1: and like not going straight from yeating. Oh yeah, Fess's
Speaker 1: left shoulder. Oh it's actually there's like a not there, um,
Speaker 1: not going from like if it's if it goes from
Speaker 1: making out to like straight you know, town to be
Speaker 1: a steady build, right, I mean, okay, well let's let's
Speaker 1: put the pressure off of me. Okay, so you're you're
Speaker 1: you're a fan of four Players. What you're saying, that's
Speaker 1: what that's what you're saying in less words. I feel like, perhaps, okay,
Speaker 1: there you have it, the key to Vanessa's art. No,
Speaker 1: it's food actually food and four player. Yeah, definitely bring
Speaker 1: me food before time. Oh god, yes, that's I felt
Speaker 1: episode where he eats and then every time he gets
Speaker 1: all hot and heavy. That's pretty funny. Is any of
Speaker 1: us even going to get on? Uh? D yes, you
Speaker 1: say you're a prude when it comes to that stuff.
Speaker 1: You said threesome. No way. I mean, don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1: I went to college. Okay, wait, so you did have
Speaker 1: a three song. I've had one threesome in my life?
Speaker 1: How did that go? With the major side? I it was?
Speaker 1: I mean I've only had one, so it didn't go
Speaker 1: well enough to have a was it was someone that
Speaker 1: you were dating seriously? Or is it two women or men?
Speaker 1: Want I kind of got pressured into it. It was
Speaker 1: a situation where they're like, hey, you need to do this,
Speaker 1: and I was like, all right, well, let's throw some
Speaker 1: back and do this. I guess I don't really want
Speaker 1: to get into the semantics of how it happened, but
Speaker 1: more of the stories, I've had one and only one,
Speaker 1: and college college was a thing. That would not do
Speaker 1: that again. I have not done it. No, it's not
Speaker 1: the question you're saying, you would not do that again.
Speaker 1: I've been propositioned multiple times. This is what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: The life of Dean is so unrelatable to man. He's
Speaker 1: turning down threesomes left and right down and I was like, oh, hey,
Speaker 1: let's have it through something. Sorry not into it. It's
Speaker 1: just it's I can barely if even satisfy one person
Speaker 1: at a time, and so now you throw a second
Speaker 1: person in there. Come on, Dean, stop at least? Yeah No, okay,
Speaker 1: well let's go back to what would make you a
Speaker 1: great partner? Uh yeah, so we got a lift from
Speaker 1: Vanessa when I mean, let's in my list and I
Speaker 1: could keep going. Um, I think I'm fun and adventurous.
Speaker 1: Fun was a good one for me too. You're not fun.
Speaker 1: You can't steal my Um. I think I'm open minded.
Speaker 1: I think that I similar to you. I'm very supportive
Speaker 1: and encouraging of people's passions and dreams. And I think
Speaker 1: that I will always lift someone up and always be
Speaker 1: that person to do that for them. Um. What else?
Speaker 1: I think that I'm a great cuddler. I think that
Speaker 1: is So what are what's your top love language? Well, actually,
Speaker 1: Tonya funny enough that she's back there made it clear
Speaker 1: to me that it used to be physical touch, but
Speaker 1: now I think that it's acts of service. I love
Speaker 1: it when, um, like I get my back scratched or
Speaker 1: my neck scratched or something like that. Well, I guess
Speaker 1: a little bit of both, right, But I always chalked
Speaker 1: it up as being physical touch. But I think She
Speaker 1: made it clear that's it's more of like an active service. UM,
Speaker 1: and I'm a simple guy, you know, that's all I
Speaker 1: really need and some alone time. I don't know, that's
Speaker 1: the thing. Like I said, obviously, I'm figuring out exactly
Speaker 1: what makes me a great partner. But I think those qualities,
Speaker 1: like at least at the forefront, are enticing. Well, I
Speaker 1: would add to that, I think you're very kind person. Sure,
Speaker 1: I think you're funny, and I think a lot of
Speaker 1: people put a lot of value in sense of humor,
Speaker 1: and I think you're very funny, and I think you
Speaker 1: have a good heart and that probably goes along with kindness.
Speaker 1: But just knowing you for an hour a week for
Speaker 1: a year now, you just seem to me like a
Speaker 1: person with a good heart. And I think in some
Speaker 1: ways that's kind of all that matters. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: you just need to be somebody who's got a good heart,
Speaker 1: and then the rest kind of falls into place. I suppose.
Speaker 1: I guess I could just see where you're coming from.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I remember UM went before like Leslie
Speaker 1: and I started being boyfriend girlfriends. She made a comment
Speaker 1: that was like everyone that I've ever met that has
Speaker 1: met you, like adores you and like because of that,
Speaker 1: Like I find that so attractive and so it's like
Speaker 1: it's the fact that you can have like a maybe
Speaker 1: like a big circle of people like enjoy being around you. Attractive, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you have great energy. So those are the good reasons.
Speaker 1: Now let me get into the batter kidding. I think
Speaker 1: those good reasons out weigh the bad reasons. I do.
Speaker 1: And I know that you think you're a lot, and
Speaker 1: maybe you're You're very you're very extra, and maybe you are.
Speaker 1: But I think that all those good reasons cancel out
Speaker 1: the other reason absolutely, because I think that's what people
Speaker 1: are looking for, fun adventures, and I think kind you
Speaker 1: need to focus on the good, those great qualities because
Speaker 1: that's what you bring into a relationship. Yeah yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: but to offset those next right, but we all do.
Speaker 1: I mean, trust me, did you see how proud I
Speaker 1: wasn't my list of the good things? I got it
Speaker 1: like probably two pages of things that like that's the
Speaker 1: thing is, you were singing from the mountaintop beings like, well,
Speaker 1: I guess I'm fun and I guess I'm adventurous. I
Speaker 1: don't normally compliment myself, so it's a difficult thing for
Speaker 1: me to do, you know. Yeah, And I like that
Speaker 1: about me. I like that I'm hard on myself, you know,
Speaker 1: I think I think it just leads to more growth
Speaker 1: moving forward. But as you said, like the self deprecating
Speaker 1: stick is kind of getting old, Like get it, I've
Speaker 1: been living seven years. Oh yeah, I mean I have
Speaker 1: some friends that do the same thing as well. Um,
Speaker 1: but maybe to less avail, you know, I don't know. Um,
Speaker 1: how is your sex with Nick? Let's let's talk about
Speaker 1: that for a second. Actually, are we talking about this yesterday?
Speaker 1: We were. But I would love for you to share
Speaker 1: with the listeners. Not sharing, not sharing it, I'll share
Speaker 1: for you. I would appreciate if he listen. I've heard
Speaker 1: I've heard sex with you guys from both sides. That's
Speaker 1: one of my great friends. We talked about that stuff. Appreciate.
Speaker 1: What did he say. I'm not gonna tell you're voices cracking.
Speaker 1: Did he have nice Nick? Yes? Of course. Did he
Speaker 1: have any complaints about that about that specific hour was here?
Speaker 1: I don't know what you're talking about it, but I
Speaker 1: can't he had some complaints. It sounds like, oh he
Speaker 1: didn't he did it, He didn't I would love for
Speaker 1: you to share your EXPERI obviously I know I would
Speaker 1: never I would never kiss until you would never answer
Speaker 1: the question do you have any complaints? No, you're not
Speaker 1: gonna answer that. What's your favorite position? My goodness, this
Speaker 1: is a sex episode. Intimacy connecting dean, not connecting to
Speaker 1: private parts together. Well, maybe we should make it? Is
Speaker 1: it the shorts is seven vibe? Today? Vanessa's rocking some
Speaker 1: three inch um, Betsy? What are they called? Betty? Daisy?
Speaker 1: To hide my butt in the back? Um? I didn't
Speaker 1: say anything appropriate? Have I this episode? Not one appropriate thing? Appropriate?
Speaker 1: I have an email? Should we get to that, Tanya?
Speaker 1: What makes a man great in bed? Um? Someone that listens? Wow?
Speaker 1: Straight out of Lacey Green. It's true, though, because I
Speaker 1: think everybody has different things that they enjoy, and when
Speaker 1: a guy listens, they're going to do that. So I
Speaker 1: think that's number one. So someone who's kind of attentively listen,
Speaker 1: not just to your words necessarily, but to your reactions. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, answer, very good answer. Yes, thanks thanks for
Speaker 1: having me on. Here's the thing with that, too, is
Speaker 1: I feel like for a girl, a girl can experience
Speaker 1: so many different kinds of sex, but a guy not
Speaker 1: so much. Because penises are vastly different from one of
Speaker 1: the next. Vaginas are only mildly different from in relative
Speaker 1: to each other. There's a very broad spectrum of penis shapes, sizes,
Speaker 1: whatever vagina is. More or less, women can experience different
Speaker 1: types of pleasures no pleasure, okay men, if I correct me,
Speaker 1: if I'm wrong, Is it the same feeling every time?
Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying more or less yes, because right,
Speaker 1: So for women we can experience it's a it's a
Speaker 1: variation of like, well, that's literally exactly what I just said,
Speaker 1: but I didn't say. You were just talking about different
Speaker 1: size of I'm just a man. A male's response and equipment, Well,
Speaker 1: his response is always the same, even though his equipment
Speaker 1: is different. And then a woman's equipment is more so
Speaker 1: the same while the response is different. So it's like
Speaker 1: duality of right, the physics, and therefore there's a different
Speaker 1: definition of great, right right, A guy's definition of great
Speaker 1: because it's going to feel the same every time, so
Speaker 1: they have other outside factors that make it great in
Speaker 1: their minds, where with women, the physical response can be
Speaker 1: anywhere from zero to a hundred exactly. That's interesting. A
Speaker 1: guy could close his eyes and get the same result
Speaker 1: every single time. Wow, that's so sad. That's that's very true.
Speaker 1: That's very true, And I think that's a major reason
Speaker 1: for some of the gender disconnect. Yes, because it feels
Speaker 1: very similar, no matter every time for the guy. And
Speaker 1: that's why I think sex gets better for women over
Speaker 1: time and for men. So do you think that's improve
Speaker 1: men don't feel as guilty when they cheat or if
Speaker 1: they cheat. Well, here's another difference between the two. And
Speaker 1: when you get to the cheating thing. Yeah, the difference
Speaker 1: is I don't want for guys. And also there's also
Speaker 1: more of I feel like, and I could be wrong,
Speaker 1: I just know it from the guy's perspective, there's more
Speaker 1: of a compulsory need for it to happen every so often,
Speaker 1: whether it's with someone or not with someone, or with
Speaker 1: someone else, as far as that goes. So that's probably
Speaker 1: a big element to it where women aren't as faithful
Speaker 1: because I feel like they can go a longer time
Speaker 1: without it. Yeah, and it's like, oh, there's a connection,
Speaker 1: there's a deeper right, and that's what they're really looking for,
Speaker 1: where guys sometimes just need to do it. Yeah it's
Speaker 1: messed up. Yeah, yeah, it's completely different. We're so different.
Speaker 1: I don't I don't know how to say. I think
Speaker 1: it's messed up. It's pretty unfair that we're put here
Speaker 1: with these different needs regularly, and then we're expected to
Speaker 1: have the same needs together. It's like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: it's a lot more. It's a lot more challenging than
Speaker 1: some people make it seem. You two, for instance, have
Speaker 1: been in very healthy, monogous relationships for a nextent period
Speaker 1: of twenty one years. For me, you're bragging that I
Speaker 1: would I admire that. Yeah, thank you. And yet here
Speaker 1: you are in studio with two of the most single,
Speaker 1: discussing and horrible people, and that's fun for me. I
Speaker 1: really am fascinated by that whole world, and especially you
Speaker 1: were talking about earlier how much has changed over the years.
Speaker 1: That's all very fascinating too, But we don't know what obviously,
Speaker 1: like we have an experience a change like this is
Speaker 1: all we're right. No, so for me, so when I
Speaker 1: when I first started somebody I've been asked before, like
Speaker 1: when you first met Amy, did you google her? And
Speaker 1: I have to say it would have been an ALTI
Speaker 1: Vista search because there was no Google. Uh so now
Speaker 1: I did not. But that's how much the world has changed,
Speaker 1: just not even dating apps. Okay, yeah, but as far
Speaker 1: as the whole research you can do on people. Now
Speaker 1: you can figure everything out about them before you even
Speaker 1: meet them and therefore write them off for no particular reason.
Speaker 1: But I'm at Elise and I went through her Twitter
Speaker 1: account and there were three tweets to go through. And
Speaker 1: that's the thing too. It's all changed so quickly and
Speaker 1: we are just still learning how to adapt and process
Speaker 1: all of it. Well, before we get to the email,
Speaker 1: remember last episode, I was like, I want to go
Speaker 1: to pursue me, And so I had gone out for
Speaker 1: dinner this week in l A. And um, someone actually
Speaker 1: did pursue me and they messaged me. They got my
Speaker 1: you know, they got my my contact info from a
Speaker 1: friend or whatever. And so I'm looking at this person's
Speaker 1: Instagram account and I was like, wow, the last time
Speaker 1: they post it was seen. That's amazing, Like it's so
Speaker 1: rare to find that nowadays. Refreshing. Yeah, Okay, I don't
Speaker 1: think that's what's I think it's just it's not a
Speaker 1: priority for him. But I think that's Paul, but it
Speaker 1: is kind of nice, like the window into someone's life
Speaker 1: through social media. It's like, Okay, I have a good understand,
Speaker 1: decent understanding this person before I get that. Now, what
Speaker 1: do you think everything you see online is real? They're
Speaker 1: gonna put up the best parts of it, maybe the
Speaker 1: best photos of themselves, right or like you know, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to put up the pictures of me crying.
Speaker 1: Actually I would sure. I want to hear an email, Yes,
Speaker 1: Sophia would like some help. My boyfriend is twenty seven.
Speaker 1: I'm twenty three. We started dating in May. We both
Speaker 1: see a future together, as this has been both of
Speaker 1: our first relationships in years doing a bad breakups. However,
Speaker 1: he's been offered a new job within his company that's
Speaker 1: twelve hours a day, five days a week, no weekends off,
Speaker 1: no holidays off. It's also more dangerous than what he
Speaker 1: currently does, and he wouldn't even get a raise. The
Speaker 1: motive to take it is because it's an accomplishment. I'm
Speaker 1: really struggling knowing I'm continuing my future with someone who
Speaker 1: won't physically be around. I come from my household with
Speaker 1: an absentee parent, and I raised my youngest siblings because
Speaker 1: I'm eight years older than they are. I would never
Speaker 1: want that for my kids, and I don't want a
Speaker 1: partner that is never around. I'm not sure if this
Speaker 1: is a red flag or if it's just life. Should
Speaker 1: I stay in this relationship? Is it wrong for me
Speaker 1: to vocalize how upset I am to him? Is this
Speaker 1: foreshadowing he would choose his job over his family? This
Speaker 1: is Sophia, that's tough. So from experience, I was in
Speaker 1: a relationship back in Colorado where I left for work
Speaker 1: every morning at six third am, got home at five
Speaker 1: pm Monday through Friday. My girlfriend worked from like ten
Speaker 1: am until nine pm, and it was like Thursday through Tuesday.
Speaker 1: And so it's a very similar thing where we never
Speaker 1: spent time to with each other and we were we
Speaker 1: were together before we both got those jobs, and so
Speaker 1: we were like used to like seeing each other often,
Speaker 1: no need for right and so like the only time
Speaker 1: like I would we would say each other's houses, like
Speaker 1: four or five nights a week. But at that time,
Speaker 1: like you get home at nine pm, you're basically going
Speaker 1: straight to bed um And I think that was ultimately
Speaker 1: what led to the downfall of that relationship, so I
Speaker 1: can definitely empathize with her. And I mean, I don't know,
Speaker 1: like if he's taking the job just for an achievement sake,
Speaker 1: I don't really know what that means. I think he's
Speaker 1: probably climbing some sort of a ladder within his organization.
Speaker 1: So it's good for him within the company to be
Speaker 1: in that spot, I guess. So. My My only bit
Speaker 1: of information or advice that I have is that I've
Speaker 1: experienced it. It did not go well. I would say,
Speaker 1: try to avoid it. If you're thinking red flag, Essa,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say it's a red flag. Um. I don't
Speaker 1: think he's doing anything wrong. I think he's twenty seven
Speaker 1: years old, he wants to build a career. He's hustling.
Speaker 1: That's something admirable. I think there's someone for everyone, and
Speaker 1: I think every person that's put into our life makes
Speaker 1: us realize the things that we do want and the
Speaker 1: things that we don't want. And maybe she's starting to
Speaker 1: realize that she needs a guy who does have a
Speaker 1: nine to five and does come home after work and
Speaker 1: where they can spend quality time together. Um. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: say it's oh, he's not going to make time for
Speaker 1: his family. He's young, he's twenty seven years old. He's
Speaker 1: probably not even thinking of how is he going to
Speaker 1: split time between if family right now? Maybe that's not
Speaker 1: not even on his mind. Um, so yeah, I would.
Speaker 1: I would encourage him to do what is best for him,
Speaker 1: because you don't want to be the person that's like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna encourage him to not take the job, and
Speaker 1: then we're you're gonna end up together and then if ever,
Speaker 1: you guys do break up. And he never ended up
Speaker 1: with that position that he wanted. You don't want any
Speaker 1: form of resentment. I did that. I was in a
Speaker 1: relationship where my X at the time was like, I
Speaker 1: don't want you taking on I was teaching so much.
Speaker 1: I was really trying to get um higher on the
Speaker 1: position on the signority list, and I was teaching during
Speaker 1: the day. Then I was teaching at night, and he's like,
Speaker 1: I don't want you teaching at night anymore because I
Speaker 1: want to spend time with you and I and I
Speaker 1: did that. I listened to him, and after we broke up,
Speaker 1: I was like, why, why why did I sacrifice all,
Speaker 1: you know, the years of going to university and I
Speaker 1: loved my job so much and at that point in
Speaker 1: that stage, that's what I wanted to do. I wanted
Speaker 1: to focus on my career. And so if that's what
Speaker 1: he needs to do, then you need to allow him
Speaker 1: and let him be him. That's actually really good advice.
Speaker 1: But I think that one of the keys here is
Speaker 1: my boyfriend and I started dating in May, five six
Speaker 1: months into this thing. Next, like, I think of what
Speaker 1: I was doing when I was five months into my
Speaker 1: current relationship and I was working. I was on the
Speaker 1: radio doing seven to midnight, which is not a very
Speaker 1: conducive shift. And if someone says, oh, I can't get
Speaker 1: a guy who works seven to midnight, No, seven pm.
Speaker 1: It was just a short hour shift, but it's in
Speaker 1: a prime time for socializing and that sort of thing.
Speaker 1: So if someone wrote me off because of that, meanwhile,
Speaker 1: I haven't done that shift in twenty something years. You know,
Speaker 1: like your life now is not going to be your
Speaker 1: life five years. He's got to pay his dues, that's
Speaker 1: what he's got to do. And by the way, you
Speaker 1: did say twelve hours and a five days a week.
Speaker 1: That's sixty hours. That's a lot, but there are two
Speaker 1: days offen there. So I think you can figure out
Speaker 1: time to spend together. I think you can make this work.
Speaker 1: If I don't even think it'sbout making it work. It's
Speaker 1: just like try it out. And like you said, you've
Speaker 1: been for five months. It's not. If it's hell, then
Speaker 1: it's hell. It's not like you're married, kids together. You
Speaker 1: give this shot and see how. But at twenty three,
Speaker 1: I wanted to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend.
Speaker 1: Now that I'm thirty one, I'm like, okay, let me
Speaker 1: do your thing. I'll see you when we both have
Speaker 1: time to see each other. So it's different. So I
Speaker 1: get it. It's you grow. It's different, and then you'll
Speaker 1: and hopefully Sophia, you'll grow together and this will end
Speaker 1: up being a great thing. Now you're getting some cold
Speaker 1: feet kind of early on. You're looking for excuses. That
Speaker 1: could be a bad sign there, But I think the
Speaker 1: job is okay. Let's see how it goes. Agreed. So
Speaker 1: that'll do it for this week's episode of Help I
Speaker 1: Suck at Dating. As always, thank you the listeners so
Speaker 1: much for tuning in, But I want to give one
Speaker 1: more second to thank our sponsors of the podcast, so big,
Speaker 1: big thank you. Story Worth be sure to go to
Speaker 1: story Worth dot com slash help to get twenty dollars
Speaker 1: off when you subscribe Easton, Oh. Go to Amazon dot
Speaker 1: com slash I Suck Podcast to check out Amazon Fire Tv.
Speaker 1: You can get a Fire TV of your very own
Speaker 1: at Amazon dot com slash I Suck Podcast. Big big
Speaker 1: thank you to Hers. If you need prescription skincare and
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Speaker 1: I would love to thank third Love for creating the
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Speaker 1: your entire order. Anyways, I'll do it for this episode
Speaker 1: of Help I Suck at Dating. Here it is. I'm
Speaker 1: Dean Anglert. It's been so great having Vanessa in studio
Speaker 1: for these past three episodes, and tune in next week
Speaker 1: as well, because maybe next week will suck a little
Speaker 1: bit less. Follow help buy Suck at Dating with Dean,
Speaker 1: Vanessa and Jared on I Heart Radio or wherever you
Speaker 1: listen to podcast