WEBVTT - Mailbag 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:04.120 I'm starting off with another Rebecca Solnit quote because she's 0:00:04.120 --> 0:00:07.119 talking to me, guys. This isn't a piece about heroism. 0:00:07.280 --> 0:00:12.000 She said, institutional authorities often behave badly in disasters in 0:00:12.080 --> 0:00:14.160 part because they assume that the rest of us will 0:00:14.200 --> 0:00:17.680 behave badly in the power vacuum disasters bring on, and 0:00:17.720 --> 0:00:22.520 thus they too often turn humanitarian relief into aggressive policing, 0:00:22.840 --> 0:00:26.279 often in protection of property and the status quo, rather 0:00:26.320 --> 0:00:32.560 than disaster victims. But ordinary people generally behave magnificently, taking 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:36.160 care of each other and improvising rescues in the conditions 0:00:36.159 --> 0:00:39.760 of survival, connecting with each other in ways they might 0:00:39.800 --> 0:00:44.480 not in everyday life, and sometimes finding in that connection 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:48.960 something so valuable and meaningful that their stories about who 0:00:49.000 --> 0:00:52.800 they were and met and what they did shine with joy. 0:00:53.760 --> 0:00:57.040 That is, I found in disasters a window onto what 0:00:57.240 --> 0:01:00.480 so many of us really want and don't get. A 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:05.640 need we hardly name or recognize, which she calls public love, 0:01:06.240 --> 0:01:11.440 the sense of meaning, purpose, power, belonging to a community, society, 0:01:11.520 --> 0:01:22.800 a city, a movement. Welcome to the podcast. That's all 0:01:22.840 --> 0:01:26.720 about the voice, which means it's all about power, Who 0:01:26.760 --> 0:01:29.640 has it, how we get it? How we sound when 0:01:29.640 --> 0:01:32.600 we have it. I'm your host, Samarrove, and this is 0:01:32.600 --> 0:01:35.240 permission to speak where we can throw all our best 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:38.600 ideas about how to get ourselves heard into the pot 0:01:39.000 --> 0:01:52.240 and start. So today's episode we are bringing to you 0:01:52.880 --> 0:01:56.600 from our respective homes because the last few weeks since 0:01:56.680 --> 0:01:59.520 Quarantine started, we've been able to use episodes that we 0:01:59.560 --> 0:02:03.120 already have in the camp and now we are flying 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:07.360 free and not in the I Heart studios and finding 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:12.639 a our home studio madness. But what's glorious about it, 0:02:12.680 --> 0:02:14.240 besides the fact that we're in the comfort of our 0:02:14.280 --> 0:02:17.560 own homes obviously, is um It's given us a chance 0:02:17.600 --> 0:02:19.640 to think about what we really want to do next 0:02:19.800 --> 0:02:24.680 during this bizarre, bizarre time. And one thing that came 0:02:24.720 --> 0:02:27.079 up right away was a mail bag episode because we've 0:02:27.080 --> 0:02:30.160 gotten some great questions from people, and because really my 0:02:30.240 --> 0:02:33.839 intention with this podcast is to make sure that it's 0:02:33.880 --> 0:02:38.440 not just big, cool ideas about the voice and about power, 0:02:38.520 --> 0:02:42.600 but also deeply practical Micro's suggestions to help people in 0:02:42.639 --> 0:02:45.800 their regular, actual lives. And by the way, our regular 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:48.800 lives are weird as buck right now, but we can 0:02:48.840 --> 0:02:51.760 still use this stuff because either you know, we're dealing 0:02:51.760 --> 0:02:55.400 with newfound issues over Zoom, or with our families, or 0:02:55.440 --> 0:02:59.360 however we're conducting quote unquote business right now, or we 0:02:59.400 --> 0:03:02.840 can use this strange time sort of outside of regular 0:03:03.200 --> 0:03:05.880 life to work on what really matters to us in 0:03:05.960 --> 0:03:08.080 terms of how we present in the world, so that 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:10.239 when we are able to go back into public again, 0:03:10.600 --> 0:03:13.000 we're bringing a version of ourselves that feels more whole 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:25.080 than we were bringing before. So I have my stunning 0:03:25.800 --> 0:03:29.919 friend and producer Katherine Burt Canton. I was gonna say 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:33.720 with me in the studio metaphorically, when parkly with me 0:03:33.760 --> 0:03:38.720 in the studio, I can see you, I can see 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:41.640 I know you. We're zooming, We're doing all the things 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:44.440 cat him good morning. I think this would be an 0:03:44.480 --> 0:03:50.360 appropriate time to say top of the Morningtia. That is 0:03:50.400 --> 0:03:52.800 something just for all of you out there. UM that 0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:57.760 I quite often like to say to Samara and she 0:03:57.880 --> 0:04:00.240 looks at me and says, Kat, we're not doing we're 0:04:00.240 --> 0:04:04.640 not doing dialect for this for this podcast, and UM, 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:08.680 I don't care. Today we are. Maybe this is the 0:04:08.800 --> 0:04:11.880 episode where I finally coach you on how to make 0:04:11.920 --> 0:04:16.400 that sound slightly more irish. Oh that was That was Australia. 0:04:17.360 --> 0:04:19.960 Oh my god, oh my ears are really losing their 0:04:20.160 --> 0:04:23.880 their touch. How can I not have known? No? That 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:26.520 was there, goes Michelle, my next door neighbor, walking by 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:29.720 walking her dog Taco. So yeah, Cat, tell people where 0:04:29.720 --> 0:04:32.800 you're recording from. Yeah, let's paint the picture real quick. 0:04:32.880 --> 0:04:37.800 So currently I am outside of my beautiful apartment in 0:04:37.880 --> 0:04:41.640 my Toyota Prius with a podcast studio that we've set 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:45.120 up inside of it. Mark, our engineer producer, and my 0:04:45.279 --> 0:04:49.919 husband is inside Mark. Can we get a hello? Hello? Everyone? 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:54.360 How are you doing this fine morning day? You might 0:04:54.400 --> 0:04:58.520 be able to hear trolls in the background, samaraw, can 0:04:58.560 --> 0:05:00.880 you tell us a little bit about where you're I'm 0:05:01.760 --> 0:05:04.080 on the floor on a to be fair, on a 0:05:04.120 --> 0:05:06.800 pillow on the floor, leaning against a favorite blanket of 0:05:06.839 --> 0:05:08.960 mine that has cheetahs on it. I'll take a picture, 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:13.720 I'll post it. It'll be great. And uh, I'm, you know, 0:05:13.880 --> 0:05:16.000 trying to get the sound of bounce and only the 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:18.040 right ways and not the wrong ways with a little 0:05:18.080 --> 0:05:22.440 bit of a jerry rigged set up here, and trying 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:25.600 to embrace how chill it is and how kind of 0:05:25.680 --> 0:05:28.839 bohemian I feel sitting on the floor a cross leg 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:34.080 and doing this. Um. It's great. We're getting back to basics, guys. 0:05:34.640 --> 0:05:37.840 It makes me think of something I posted on the 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:41.800 Permission to Speak pod um instagram feed earlier this week. 0:05:41.839 --> 0:05:43.080 I'm not going to read all of it, although you 0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:45.120 can go there to see it, but the last line 0:05:45.360 --> 0:05:49.919 is um. This is by a therapist, a licensed therapist, 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:53.360 who says, when in the midst of trauma, just getting 0:05:53.360 --> 0:05:58.599 by emotionally and functionally is okay. Lowering expectations and being 0:05:58.680 --> 0:06:02.559 kind to yourself and is vital. I feel like our 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:07.320 amazing podcast setups here are a perfect example of that. Alright, 0:06:07.360 --> 0:06:10.320 so let's dive into this party. So our first question 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:15.919 is from Carly. She's an anesthesiologist and she is currently 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:18.520 working in the ICU, and she wrote in saying, Hi, 0:06:18.720 --> 0:06:21.560 I love this podcast. You're doing an amazing job and 0:06:21.600 --> 0:06:25.240 I find it's so thought provoking. The episode was Shaunton 0:06:25.279 --> 0:06:27.520 made me cry. I was holding onto a toxic friend 0:06:27.560 --> 0:06:29.479 group and she helped me to admit to myself that 0:06:29.600 --> 0:06:31.760 I was allowed the space to know that I don't 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:35.359 need their validation. I just thought that was beautiful. So 0:06:35.400 --> 0:06:37.520 her first question, though, is I've been thinking about this 0:06:37.560 --> 0:06:40.160 since the first episode. So I'm a physician and therefore 0:06:40.200 --> 0:06:42.720 I work with a lot of elderly patients. I've had 0:06:42.760 --> 0:06:45.080 mentors tell me in medical school that I need to 0:06:45.120 --> 0:06:48.200 lower my voice so that those with hearing lost, mostly 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:51.120 elderly people, can hear me better. The reason is that 0:06:51.200 --> 0:06:54.280 we often lose our high frequency hearing first before a 0:06:54.360 --> 0:06:57.040 low frequency. But I'm starting to wonder if it's also 0:06:57.080 --> 0:06:59.760 a generational thing that a lower voice will be more 0:07:00.040 --> 0:07:02.720 healing to an elderly patient when I approached them as 0:07:02.720 --> 0:07:06.760 a medical authority. What are your thoughts on that. I 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:10.880 wonder what this lower voice means, if that's about pitch 0:07:10.960 --> 0:07:13.400 or about volume, but it sounds like it's meant to 0:07:13.400 --> 0:07:18.520 be about pitch. I don't know about the losing the 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:22.040 upper register, but I do know for everybody that when 0:07:22.040 --> 0:07:23.760 we're in a in a room with a lot of 0:07:23.840 --> 0:07:26.240 din a lot of you know, whether it's a party 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:29.120 context or you know, a medical whatever, any any any 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:31.480 room that has a lot of sound bouncing around, if 0:07:31.480 --> 0:07:33.640 we can go up a little bit, actually it cuts through, 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:36.440 especially if you kind of consens what the general didn't 0:07:36.480 --> 0:07:37.840 sound in the room is if you can go a 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:40.280 little above that it's a great way to be heard 0:07:40.280 --> 0:07:43.000 at a party, quite honestly, But what she's asking about 0:07:43.080 --> 0:07:46.440 is obviously more complicated than that, because there's also an 0:07:46.480 --> 0:07:49.200 element of care involved, right, And and what she's talking 0:07:49.200 --> 0:07:51.960 about is making sure that people who are older are 0:07:52.000 --> 0:07:54.760 really understanding what she's saying. And this is truly about communication, 0:07:54.880 --> 0:07:59.360 right And my feeling about that is there's a few things. 0:07:59.440 --> 0:08:03.000 One we often and I think she has a question 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:05.920 coming up about masks right now. If everybody's wearing a mask. 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:08.720 There's a second level of this, but it just in general, 0:08:08.760 --> 0:08:12.280 if we're approaching people who are hard of hearing, what 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:14.280 we can do is remember that we I mean, this 0:08:14.280 --> 0:08:16.760 sounds ridiculous, but we can remember that we have mouths, 0:08:17.160 --> 0:08:19.760 and like we're often thinking about the sound just coming 0:08:19.760 --> 0:08:21.320 out from like the back of you know, from our 0:08:21.360 --> 0:08:24.880 throat out, but our lips. The amount that we actually 0:08:25.360 --> 0:08:28.239 what they say in the acting world is use your consonants. 0:08:28.280 --> 0:08:30.920 The amount that we actually can use our mouth to 0:08:30.960 --> 0:08:34.400 make sure that we're communicating our thoughts is so much 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:36.680 more than we sometimes give ourselves credit for. We actually 0:08:36.679 --> 0:08:39.200 do use our mouth like that. If we really know 0:08:39.280 --> 0:08:41.079 that we need to be heard if it's the seventh 0:08:41.120 --> 0:08:44.240 time that somebody has, you know, misunderstood us, and we're 0:08:44.280 --> 0:08:47.040 like no, What I'm trying to say is suddenly we realize, like, oh, 0:08:47.120 --> 0:08:49.840 I have all these tools at my disposal. I'll use them. 0:08:50.160 --> 0:08:52.600 But but maybe in this context it would be helpful 0:08:52.640 --> 0:08:53.880 to know that you don't have to wait for the 0:08:53.920 --> 0:08:56.600 seventh time, right, you can actually just say to yourself, 0:08:57.400 --> 0:08:59.640 what can I do to make sure that I actually 0:08:59.720 --> 0:09:03.520 you use my lips, I use my tongue, I actually 0:09:03.559 --> 0:09:06.880 am communicating the thought. And so Carly's in her residency 0:09:06.960 --> 0:09:09.199 right now, so she's really trying to set the tone, 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:12.200 you know, during this wild time with COVID and having 0:09:12.200 --> 0:09:14.560 to be more protected, but also moving forward as a 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:18.320 female physician and using her voice and standing in her power. 0:09:18.800 --> 0:09:22.000 And so she has a few questions here which I love. 0:09:22.040 --> 0:09:24.200 So the next one is, I've been told by multiple 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:26.640 people that I have a soft voice, and I think 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:28.520 a lot of that has to do with my constantly 0:09:28.559 --> 0:09:31.400 being told by society to only take up so much space. 0:09:31.440 --> 0:09:33.959 As you have said in many episodes. But I was 0:09:34.000 --> 0:09:36.360 wondering if you would like to comment on my projection 0:09:36.400 --> 0:09:38.840 a little, maybe some tips and how to make a 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:42.040 soft voice heard without feeling like I'm shouting or any 0:09:42.040 --> 0:09:44.200 other thoughts that you have on that. I love this, 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:46.559 and you know, without having her in front of me, 0:09:46.600 --> 0:09:48.559 I can't tell her exactly what the cure all is. 0:09:48.679 --> 0:09:52.240 But in general, for people, yeah, breathing makes a huge difference. 0:09:52.280 --> 0:09:55.880 And breathing doesn't just mean like hyperventilating. It means using 0:09:56.559 --> 0:10:00.000 the extra space that we have with our ribs expand, 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:03.040 ending with the stuff underneath our ribs expanding. If we 0:10:03.080 --> 0:10:06.240 can get that far down, which sometimes like yoga, running 0:10:06.240 --> 0:10:08.280 around the block like helps our body remember like, oh, 0:10:08.320 --> 0:10:10.600 I know how to breathe myself, I remember, you know 0:10:10.880 --> 0:10:13.000 that kind of thing. But it's not just about the breathing. 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:15.360 It's about the fact that when the breathing comes through 0:10:15.360 --> 0:10:19.240 our vocal cords, it vibrates in a way that suggests confidence, 0:10:19.559 --> 0:10:22.160 and if you don't breathe like that, it does just 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:24.640 feel a lot lighter, like you're just cutting yourself off 0:10:24.640 --> 0:10:28.400 from your power supply, and that is a way to communicate. 0:10:28.480 --> 0:10:31.600 I think having a soft voice has its benefit, but 0:10:32.200 --> 0:10:34.720 working on what is it to get this sound out, 0:10:34.760 --> 0:10:36.800 I think is something that she could do, like completely 0:10:36.800 --> 0:10:38.440 in the privacy of her own home, and maybe this 0:10:38.480 --> 0:10:40.120 is the perfect time to do it when we're all, 0:10:40.160 --> 0:10:42.840 you know, literally always in the privacy of her own home, 0:10:43.400 --> 0:10:45.439 except when we have children staring at us while we're 0:10:45.440 --> 0:10:50.160 trying to go but working on um moving around a 0:10:50.160 --> 0:10:51.960 little bit like this is going to sound very like 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:54.200 acting school, but really it just works for absolutely everybody 0:10:54.200 --> 0:10:56.480 because we all have bodies. But you know, moving around 0:10:56.520 --> 0:10:58.760 and actually making your body kind of vibrate a little 0:10:58.800 --> 0:11:02.400 like like dancing or just like like bouncing a little 0:11:02.400 --> 0:11:05.880 bit on your on your toes and while while breathing 0:11:05.880 --> 0:11:07.720 and just doing like a ha sound, you'll end up 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:12.360 with like U, which sounds crazy, but what it really 0:11:12.559 --> 0:11:15.800 is is saying like, oh, my body has other ways 0:11:15.800 --> 0:11:18.040 of making sound come out of my mouth. Because it 0:11:18.080 --> 0:11:21.320 sounds like what she's talking about is just patterns, right, 0:11:21.440 --> 0:11:25.560 that she's habits that she's fallen into for completely understandable reasons. 0:11:25.960 --> 0:11:28.080 But what we can do in the privacy of our 0:11:28.080 --> 0:11:30.440 own home that we then can sort of build up 0:11:30.440 --> 0:11:32.520 to the confidence to do outside of our own home 0:11:33.040 --> 0:11:35.560 is I have other options. I have other options. Let 0:11:35.559 --> 0:11:36.960 me just try them out, let me see how weird 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:39.240 they feel, and sit with that weirdness and become more 0:11:39.240 --> 0:11:41.439 and more comfortable with that weirdness over time, which is 0:11:41.480 --> 0:11:43.440 again not to say that softness is bad, but just 0:11:43.480 --> 0:11:45.280 to say you have more options at your disposal, and 0:11:45.360 --> 0:11:48.400 soft really works in certain context and then not in other's. 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:50.600 And you really want to be as absolutely straightforward as 0:11:50.640 --> 0:11:53.360 possible when you want to be you know, Carly has 0:11:53.400 --> 0:11:55.880 another question, one more question. She says, sorry by the 0:11:55.880 --> 0:11:58.880 way that she has so many thoughts. Don't apologize, Carly, No, 0:11:58.960 --> 0:12:02.000 not at all. Oh my god. Eyes. So Carly's and 0:12:02.080 --> 0:12:05.720 her residency and she just finished her I See you rotation. 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:07.800 She has a week off and then she's jumping into 0:12:07.840 --> 0:12:10.720 the COVID I see you. And so in the era 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:14.320 of this coronavirus, we are all wearing masks at the hospital. 0:12:14.920 --> 0:12:18.000 This has really created some disconnect and communication, and it 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:20.960 makes me wonder how much we rely on lip reading 0:12:21.000 --> 0:12:24.839 to understand people. Additionally, it takes away a huge portion 0:12:24.920 --> 0:12:27.360 of facial expression, and I have found myself trying to 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:30.840 use my eyes more dramatically to get my point across. 0:12:31.480 --> 0:12:35.040 There's a few things. One, yeah, masks, I mean, you know, 0:12:35.120 --> 0:12:38.920 the whole idea of um communication if we have all 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:44.760 of our faculties, uh, is that we are thinking about matching, 0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:47.840 as it were, our body language, our tone of voice, 0:12:47.880 --> 0:12:50.360 and the content of what we're saying. We talked about 0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:53.559 this a little bit in the John Knaffinger interview. The 0:12:53.720 --> 0:12:55.880 dream is that those things feel like they're in alignment, right, 0:12:55.960 --> 0:12:58.040 that what you're saying and how you're saying it and 0:12:58.080 --> 0:13:00.440 what your body is doing are all telling the same story. 0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:03.520 When we suddenly don't have the use of our mouths, 0:13:03.520 --> 0:13:07.840 our tone of voices is maybe really muffled, then you know, 0:13:08.080 --> 0:13:09.920 what we have is the content of what we're saying 0:13:09.920 --> 0:13:12.480 in our body language. So what she's talking about is like, 0:13:12.720 --> 0:13:14.760 you know, using eyes a little bit more. Obviously that 0:13:14.840 --> 0:13:18.320 can feel a little crazy making, but to the extent 0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:20.800 that that works, yeah, I mean, compensating is what we're 0:13:20.800 --> 0:13:24.440 talking about here. The other thing though, content wise, in 0:13:24.480 --> 0:13:28.800 a fast moving situation where there's like, you know, a 0:13:28.880 --> 0:13:31.240 lot of what we're all reading about that's happening on 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:35.120 the floor of these you know, hospitals, obviously, just do 0:13:35.200 --> 0:13:37.959 what's absolutely necessary to get the information across, whether it's 0:13:37.960 --> 0:13:40.120 just about literally being louder to get through the mask 0:13:40.280 --> 0:13:42.480 or whatever. But if what we're talking about is these 0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:45.400 nuanced moments when she really wants to reach out to 0:13:45.400 --> 0:13:48.400 another human and make them feel heard. I think it's 0:13:48.400 --> 0:13:50.000 a little bit of the consonant stuff that I was 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:55.040 talking about before, mixed with actually using phrases that maybe 0:13:55.040 --> 0:13:58.280 you've practiced ahead of time, stuff like you know, you 0:13:58.320 --> 0:14:00.400 can't see my mouth right now, but if you could, 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:03.440 you would know that, right. I mean, we can just 0:14:03.600 --> 0:14:06.319 come up with stuff to acknowledge the weirdness of this 0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:09.720 moment that then doesn't feel like should I say something 0:14:09.800 --> 0:14:11.960 or shouldn't I They don't know I'm smiling, they don't know. 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:14.120 You know, we can do what we can't, even if 0:14:14.160 --> 0:14:17.120 it's just to say I have a mask on, but 0:14:17.160 --> 0:14:19.960 if I didn't, you'd better understand what I'm trying to say, 0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:23.160 which is you know. Um. The other thing is all 0:14:23.200 --> 0:14:25.680 of us have experienced mask wearing at this point. It 0:14:25.800 --> 0:14:29.480 is so it is so weird feeling, right, but it 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:32.400 is something we can practice. I mean, like, even if 0:14:32.440 --> 0:14:34.920 we wanted to, like have a FaceTime date with our 0:14:35.160 --> 0:14:37.760 best friend and both wear masks for two minutes, I mean, 0:14:37.800 --> 0:14:40.080 not for longer than that, because you know, one of 0:14:40.080 --> 0:14:42.520 the dreams One of the benefits of actually doing FaceTime 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:45.560 is that we're not sharing terms, but you know, literally 0:14:45.560 --> 0:14:49.560 that's it's kind of a ridiculous and delightful exercise to 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:51.240 put a mask on for two minutes with your best 0:14:51.240 --> 0:14:54.960 friend and see, like, how do I communicate? We can 0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:57.600 turn that into a good game. I mean, I'd be 0:14:57.640 --> 0:14:59.600 interested if anybody wanted to try it and let me know, 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:01.640 like do you find what do you find about how 0:15:01.720 --> 0:15:05.040 much more eyes or eyebrows you use? Or do you 0:15:05.080 --> 0:15:07.040 not need to? Does it turn out you don't need to, 0:15:07.120 --> 0:15:11.760 because actually, you know, we are much better communicators than 0:15:11.800 --> 0:15:13.960 we think we are. You know, just see what happens 0:15:13.960 --> 0:15:15.720 and see what you're getting from the person that you're 0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:17.280 talking to as well as what you're getting from your 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:20.960 own you know, internal signals well. And I think also, Carly, 0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:23.200 that's such a thoughtful question. The fact that you're actually 0:15:23.280 --> 0:15:25.880 you care enough about your patients to want to make 0:15:25.920 --> 0:15:29.160 them feel grounded and heard and connect with them during 0:15:29.200 --> 0:15:31.880 this time. That alone, in itself is such a gift 0:15:31.920 --> 0:15:33.880 that you're giving to them and that you carry with 0:15:33.960 --> 0:15:36.480 you and to remember that when you're going in. I mean, 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:39.480 these are real difficult times and it's difficult to relay 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:41.560 news to patients and to make them feel at ease 0:15:41.640 --> 0:15:43.880 during this time, and the fact that you're taking that 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:47.440 into consideration is is really beautiful. And also if anyone 0:15:47.440 --> 0:15:49.680 out there wants to create some sort of clear mask, 0:15:50.000 --> 0:15:52.840 maybe that would be helpful. That's that's what we need 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:57.080 to spend our money on right now. But it does 0:15:57.120 --> 0:15:58.880 also make me think of what you were just saying, 0:15:58.880 --> 0:16:01.720 which is true, uh and beautiful. It makes me think 0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:03.840 of the body language component as well. I mean, I 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:06.880 was talking about facial expression, but obviously our actual bodies. 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:10.240 You know, we we can all do things to seem 0:16:10.240 --> 0:16:12.160 more open and to see more closed, and we all 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:15.480 we we sort of know generally socially that like crossing 0:16:15.520 --> 0:16:17.240 our arms in front of our in front of our 0:16:17.280 --> 0:16:20.720 bodies is a bit of a closed off gesture. Also 0:16:20.840 --> 0:16:24.280 totally acceptable to do when you're feeling closed off or 0:16:24.320 --> 0:16:26.120 when you want to protect yourself. So I am not 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:28.120 saying there's anything wrong with it, but I am saying that, 0:16:28.160 --> 0:16:29.760 you know, an awareness of what we're doing with our 0:16:29.800 --> 0:16:33.680 body is another element in in communicating to people who 0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:36.960 you really want to get through too. A six ft 0:16:37.000 --> 0:16:41.160 lean in um Okay. Our next question is from Sally. 0:16:41.520 --> 0:16:44.040 Sally is a loud woman. I've always been called loud. 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:47.440 I have professionally been shamed for being loud. I made 0:16:47.440 --> 0:16:50.080 fun of for being loud. If anyone I consider a 0:16:50.120 --> 0:16:52.400 friend or family member calls me loud or tells me 0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:55.000 to pipe down, I get so sad and so frustrated. 0:16:55.320 --> 0:16:58.600 The kicker is that I'm really not that loud. I'm 0:16:58.640 --> 0:17:01.000 not yelling or shouting or even and straining my voice. 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:03.720 This is my natural volume. But I've been shamed for 0:17:03.760 --> 0:17:07.080 it from my entire life. That's my vocal drama. God, 0:17:07.920 --> 0:17:10.240 let's take a second for Sally. I hear you. I 0:17:10.240 --> 0:17:12.960 mean there's there's two different there's two different things going 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:14.760 on here, and I don't know, you know, without knowing 0:17:14.760 --> 0:17:16.760 her better, which which it is, or maybe it's both. 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:19.040 But first of all, I just want to acknowledge for 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:23.600 everybody listening in, who's like, is that me? You know, 0:17:23.720 --> 0:17:26.639 A lot a lot of us are A lot of us, 0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:29.920 I should say, deal with what Carly was talking about 0:17:29.960 --> 0:17:32.040 in terms of being soft, but a lot of us 0:17:32.160 --> 0:17:35.760 are the opposite. We've overcompensated or we've just compensated, and 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:37.920 people have told us our whole lives that were too much, 0:17:38.800 --> 0:17:43.359 too big, too loud, right, all the things, and who knows, 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:46.720 who knows if that's because we're actually filling up the 0:17:46.800 --> 0:17:49.560 space more than we need to, or that we are 0:17:49.640 --> 0:17:53.960 just not what you know. Historically society deems a good 0:17:54.000 --> 0:17:57.920 woman to be. So for all of us who heard 0:17:57.960 --> 0:17:59.920 something in what Sally just said, you know, I just 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:03.480 want to acknowledge that and that we're all, um, there's 0:18:03.480 --> 0:18:05.520 a lot of us, is what I want to say. 0:18:05.560 --> 0:18:08.520 I'm one of them. I'm one of you Seally. The 0:18:08.600 --> 0:18:12.080 other thing, though, is it sounds, from the way that 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:15.919 she's written this like she really has a trigger around this, 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:18.480 a completely understandable one. It sounds like it's been a 0:18:18.520 --> 0:18:21.040 lifelong thing. But I wonder if that stopped her from 0:18:21.080 --> 0:18:24.480 actually exploring a little bit with curiosity. Why it is 0:18:24.520 --> 0:18:27.280 that people are saying that. Is it because the content 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:30.840 of what you're saying is unpleasant, and you know what, 0:18:30.880 --> 0:18:33.280 people can fucking deal with it because you know you're 0:18:33.320 --> 0:18:37.600 the boss. Or is it that you are pushing too 0:18:37.720 --> 0:18:42.080 much out, whether it's you know, content or emotion or 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:44.800 just sound, but that feeling of pushing which may be 0:18:44.920 --> 0:18:48.000 pushing through these this sort of scar tissue of years 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:49.720 and years and years and years of people saying this 0:18:49.800 --> 0:18:53.160 about you that that may very well just not literally 0:18:53.200 --> 0:18:55.840 not be helping you get what you want. So on 0:18:55.880 --> 0:18:58.360 the one hand, we can say you can embrace yourself 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:01.200 and who you are. On the other hand, we can say, 0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:03.800 if you're doing things that feel out of joint with 0:19:03.880 --> 0:19:05.840 the room that you're in, with the people you're talking to, 0:19:06.280 --> 0:19:09.440 it's not helping you. And so I wonder if there's 0:19:09.440 --> 0:19:12.960 a little gentleness you can have with yourself around exploring 0:19:13.480 --> 0:19:15.520 what it is to actually just fill the space, to 0:19:15.560 --> 0:19:18.520 actually just throw the ball of thought to the person 0:19:18.560 --> 0:19:21.000 you're talking to, and not harder than it needs to 0:19:21.040 --> 0:19:24.000 be thrown, and not filling the space louder than it 0:19:24.040 --> 0:19:28.080 needs to be. And just wonder, you know, without short 0:19:28.160 --> 0:19:34.320 changing yourself or your ambitions or your heart. Uh, just 0:19:34.520 --> 0:19:38.359 wonder what else can I do here? What else can 0:19:38.400 --> 0:19:40.320 I do with all of the tools I have in 0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:44.239 my in my body to actually get myself heard? And 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:46.840 then there's also this other side of it. There's something 0:19:46.840 --> 0:19:49.800 about teaching the people in your life. If you're interested 0:19:49.840 --> 0:19:52.400 in doing this exploration, teaching the people in your life 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:55.080 that you're interested in exploring it and getting real feedback 0:19:55.080 --> 0:19:59.760 from them and saying basically creating a sense of allies 0:19:59.760 --> 0:20:02.919 ship up, saying I'd love you to help me figure 0:20:02.960 --> 0:20:06.280 out how to communicate better with you, because then we're 0:20:06.320 --> 0:20:08.199 all on the same team. Because there's something in that 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:11.000 letter that feels very much me versus the world, and 0:20:11.040 --> 0:20:13.679 I so hear that. I mean, I so hear that, 0:20:13.760 --> 0:20:15.840 and my heart goes out to you. But I wonder 0:20:15.880 --> 0:20:18.520 if there's a reframe there where you can enroll people 0:20:18.680 --> 0:20:21.119 in your team to solve this problem. Well, you know, 0:20:21.160 --> 0:20:22.960 it actually brings me to a question that I have 0:20:23.240 --> 0:20:26.159 myself lately that keeps coming up. As I've mentioned, I 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:28.439 have an almost four year old son, Jack, who is 0:20:28.600 --> 0:20:33.960 dynamic and wonderful and vibrant, and with that, he speaks very, 0:20:34.080 --> 0:20:38.679 very loud. He has an amazing vocabulary and he uses 0:20:38.720 --> 0:20:41.280 his voice with power, and I'm proud of him for it. 0:20:41.320 --> 0:20:44.200 But it's loud, and quite often I find myself and 0:20:44.359 --> 0:20:47.159 my husband, but I feel it more so myself asking 0:20:47.240 --> 0:20:50.280 him to be quieter, to use his voice lower, because 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:53.360 we live in an apartment, because we have neighbors. Because 0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:57.040 it's just sometimes annoying. It's and it's something that I 0:20:57.080 --> 0:21:01.080 find um becoming a broken record about. And I feel 0:21:01.080 --> 0:21:03.800 like with all this talk and working on this show 0:21:03.800 --> 0:21:06.240 that I don't want to damage him or or make 0:21:06.280 --> 0:21:09.399 him feel smaller or you know, what I'm trying to 0:21:09.440 --> 0:21:11.720 do is ultimately just let him know that we can 0:21:11.720 --> 0:21:14.000 hear him, and he doesn't need to, you know, be screaming. 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:16.560 I mean, you just solved it. That's exactly right. I 0:21:16.560 --> 0:21:19.680 think we can all, whether it's to our children or 0:21:19.880 --> 0:21:21.520 or to other people in our lives, we can find 0:21:21.520 --> 0:21:24.080 a way to reframe your being too loud. I mean, 0:21:24.119 --> 0:21:26.920 I wish people did that in Sally's life, because that's 0:21:26.920 --> 0:21:29.280 obviously not a helpful you know note that she keeps 0:21:29.280 --> 0:21:31.840 getting if they can reframe it in terms if we 0:21:32.160 --> 0:21:34.800 as parents in this case, can reframe it in terms 0:21:34.840 --> 0:21:38.840 of I can hear you. I'm listening, So if you're 0:21:38.880 --> 0:21:41.680 talking at a volume that really hits me but isn't 0:21:41.680 --> 0:21:43.760 too big, I can really hear you. When it gets 0:21:43.800 --> 0:21:46.520 too small or too big, I'm not able to hear 0:21:46.520 --> 0:21:49.159 it as well. I'm always thinking. I mean, I have 0:21:49.160 --> 0:21:50.960 a five year old and almost five year old. I'm 0:21:50.960 --> 0:21:53.800 always thinking in terms of like setting him up for 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:56.399 success in using me as a model for like what 0:21:56.480 --> 0:21:58.800 other people in life will be like to him. So 0:21:58.840 --> 0:22:01.760 I'm always saying, like, how you that's so, that's what 0:22:01.840 --> 0:22:03.560 you want? How would you go about getting what you want? 0:22:03.640 --> 0:22:05.920 Which is another way of saying please, say please? Right, 0:22:06.080 --> 0:22:08.239 But but think helping him think in terms of the 0:22:08.320 --> 0:22:10.360 sort of logic of it rather than just the roat 0:22:10.680 --> 0:22:12.920 nous of it. So I think there might be something there. 0:22:12.920 --> 0:22:14.639 I don't know if it will work, you know, but 0:22:14.760 --> 0:22:17.480 something in terms of you're talking at a volume right now, 0:22:17.560 --> 0:22:20.000 that's not necessary if you're talking to me. If you're 0:22:20.000 --> 0:22:22.520 just wanting to make sound, that's cool. Maybe we should 0:22:22.520 --> 0:22:24.000 go outside for a little while. Like I can tell 0:22:24.040 --> 0:22:25.560 you've got a lot of energy to burn off, but 0:22:25.600 --> 0:22:28.080 if you're trying to communicate to me, uh, you can 0:22:28.080 --> 0:22:30.360 actually do it a lot quieter and then actually modeling 0:22:30.560 --> 0:22:33.080 as well, you know, we can model like I've done 0:22:33.119 --> 0:22:35.200 a lot of Like I mean, this will probably work 0:22:35.200 --> 0:22:37.280 on the mike because this mike is so good that 0:22:37.359 --> 0:22:39.679 I borrowed from my heart. But I do a lot 0:22:39.760 --> 0:22:42.320 of like can you hear me? Now? Can you still 0:22:42.320 --> 0:22:44.080 hear me? If you can hear me, then you don't 0:22:44.080 --> 0:22:46.720 have to talk that much louder than this, right, or 0:22:46.760 --> 0:22:48.439 even just like a little bit of a little bit 0:22:48.480 --> 0:22:51.359 of breath and vibration behind it, but really just showing it. 0:22:51.440 --> 0:22:54.119 And then it becomes game. You know, games, games are 0:22:54.160 --> 0:22:57.320 sometimes the solution and saying like can you match this 0:22:57.320 --> 0:23:00.520 this volume and as you said, and really want to 0:23:00.520 --> 0:23:04.399 emphasize this for my own child. Uh, We're not in 0:23:04.440 --> 0:23:07.359 the business of telling our kids to play small, but 0:23:08.160 --> 0:23:10.800 we are in the business of helping them understand that 0:23:10.840 --> 0:23:14.000 there are options, that their first way is not necessarily 0:23:14.040 --> 0:23:16.840 their best way, and that reading a room is a 0:23:16.880 --> 0:23:20.000 skill that they can work on even now. And you know, 0:23:20.600 --> 0:23:23.440 if they're in a quiet space with us, using only 0:23:23.480 --> 0:23:26.840 the energy necessary to get their point across and no lesson, 0:23:26.880 --> 0:23:31.320 no more is good communication, which is like a skill 0:23:31.359 --> 0:23:33.720 for life, it will help them get what they want 0:23:34.520 --> 0:23:37.439 from us, from whoever they interact with in the future. Okay, 0:23:37.880 --> 0:23:40.240 let's take a quick break and we'll be back with more. 0:23:48.160 --> 0:23:51.720 And we're back cats, Who do we have next? So 0:23:51.800 --> 0:23:55.000 this is our next question from don I do have 0:23:55.040 --> 0:23:57.159 a question related to the use of my voice in 0:23:57.200 --> 0:23:59.919 my job. I am a fundraiser, for a symphony orchestra, 0:24:00.359 --> 0:24:03.280 and I'm in my early twenties. Getting one point two 0:24:03.440 --> 0:24:06.080 million involves a lot of talking and meeting with folks 0:24:06.080 --> 0:24:08.280 who are three to four times my age. But to 0:24:08.359 --> 0:24:12.959 be successful in fundraising, they have to one like me 0:24:13.320 --> 0:24:16.240 and to connect with me, and then three somehow view 0:24:16.280 --> 0:24:18.880 me as a peer. Nobody wants to feel like they're 0:24:18.880 --> 0:24:21.560 donating a couple of grand and the person asking could 0:24:21.560 --> 0:24:24.800 be their grandchild. So there's like a lot going on there. 0:24:25.400 --> 0:24:27.440 But where it really comes to a head is when 0:24:27.440 --> 0:24:30.159 somebody is complaining and angry. What are your tips for 0:24:30.200 --> 0:24:33.280 tone and inflection where I can be firm with a 0:24:33.280 --> 0:24:35.440 lot of old as men and not lose my sense 0:24:35.440 --> 0:24:38.840 of self authenticity in dealing with them. Thanks in advance, 0:24:38.840 --> 0:24:42.240 and stay healthy, strength and warmth. You know, we talked 0:24:42.240 --> 0:24:44.120 about this and the John F Finger one as well. 0:24:44.400 --> 0:24:49.600 It's so important for especially young women to realize that 0:24:49.640 --> 0:24:52.600 we can be as strong as we want to be 0:24:53.280 --> 0:24:56.679 if we're also investing in how much we care about 0:24:56.760 --> 0:25:00.640 the people were talking to write when when strang um 0:25:00.760 --> 0:25:02.879 doesn't work so well. I mean, these are obviously huge 0:25:02.920 --> 0:25:05.800 generalizations and and everybody has to put their own, you know, 0:25:05.880 --> 0:25:09.000 cultural stamp on it, which is a much longer conversation. 0:25:09.040 --> 0:25:12.120 I'm happy to have it another time. But generally speaking, 0:25:12.760 --> 0:25:15.960 we can be firm. We can say no, that's not 0:25:16.040 --> 0:25:19.119 how it is, or I need you to listen to me. 0:25:20.040 --> 0:25:24.159 If we also add to it an element of I 0:25:24.280 --> 0:25:25.919 care about you and I want to make sure this 0:25:25.960 --> 0:25:29.520 works out okay for both of us. I sometimes call 0:25:29.760 --> 0:25:32.639 the strength and warmth. It's not a dichotomy. It's just 0:25:32.680 --> 0:25:35.000 like two completely different things that both can work at 0:25:35.000 --> 0:25:37.200 the same time as each other, or or an opposition. 0:25:37.680 --> 0:25:42.200 I think of those two things for women, especially um 0:25:42.240 --> 0:25:44.160 it may be more helpful to think of it as 0:25:45.040 --> 0:25:50.280 not strong and warm, but assured and assuring. So when 0:25:50.280 --> 0:25:54.000 we're assured right, we can invest ahead of time, maybe 0:25:54.000 --> 0:25:57.399 before having a difficult conversation. We can invest in thinking 0:25:57.440 --> 0:26:00.400 about the ways in which we trust ourselves. I did 0:26:00.400 --> 0:26:03.640 that one thing so well. I have this person who 0:26:03.680 --> 0:26:05.760 makes me feel great, right, all of those things that 0:26:05.840 --> 0:26:07.840 we really can This is not the same as like 0:26:07.880 --> 0:26:10.400 an affirmation into the mirror, where we're like looking into 0:26:10.400 --> 0:26:13.199 our eyes and saying I'm so great, I can do it. 0:26:13.280 --> 0:26:15.520 You know. Sometimes those works. Sometimes those make us feel 0:26:15.520 --> 0:26:18.000 more like a fraud. Right, It's not about saying like 0:26:18.160 --> 0:26:21.720 I'm the greatest. It's about really thinking about, like that 0:26:21.800 --> 0:26:23.879 time when that person said that, or that letter I 0:26:23.960 --> 0:26:26.280 kept because it made me feel great about myself. I 0:26:26.320 --> 0:26:28.359 can just go back to that in my mind or 0:26:28.520 --> 0:26:31.640 literally read it and let those feelings take over. Right. 0:26:31.760 --> 0:26:34.560 We there's this there's this um this idea of code switching. 0:26:34.760 --> 0:26:36.880 I've talked about a little bit on this show. It's 0:26:37.040 --> 0:26:39.160 it's a term that's used a lot in the African 0:26:39.160 --> 0:26:41.879 American community to talk about the ways that people have 0:26:42.000 --> 0:26:44.600 been systematically taught that they're sort of a white, white 0:26:44.680 --> 0:26:46.640 way to talk quote unquote, a white way to talk 0:26:47.359 --> 0:26:50.480 for job interviews, and then there's you know, a different 0:26:50.480 --> 0:26:52.359 way to talk at home so that people don't accuse 0:26:52.400 --> 0:26:54.800 you of putting on errors. There's a lot of complicated 0:26:54.840 --> 0:26:56.639 stuff in that, but the reality is that on a 0:26:56.720 --> 0:27:01.080 linguistic level, code switching is something everybody does. It's a 0:27:01.080 --> 0:27:04.640 way of describing the way that we talked to the 0:27:04.640 --> 0:27:07.000 briest at Starbucks versus the way we talked to our 0:27:07.080 --> 0:27:09.560 mom versus the way we talked to a friend who 0:27:09.640 --> 0:27:12.760 just had a terrible tragedy. We all know how to 0:27:12.800 --> 0:27:15.720 sort of switch gears and reflect the you know, person 0:27:15.760 --> 0:27:18.080 we're talking to and the tone that that that is 0:27:18.119 --> 0:27:21.359 required in order to get what we want in that situation, 0:27:21.359 --> 0:27:23.879 whether what we want is you know, a latte or 0:27:23.920 --> 0:27:27.000 to make them feel better. And if we invest I think, 0:27:27.080 --> 0:27:29.639 if we invest in thinking a little bit before a 0:27:29.640 --> 0:27:34.800 difficult conversation in um, God, that person makes you feel great, 0:27:34.920 --> 0:27:37.160 or that letter I got or that comment that I got, 0:27:37.280 --> 0:27:39.439 or looking at my dog's face or whatever it is 0:27:39.520 --> 0:27:42.560 makes me makes me connect with me, we can like 0:27:42.720 --> 0:27:45.520 kind of a little bit code switch that version of 0:27:45.520 --> 0:27:49.240 ourselves in to these conversations it seem a little difficult 0:27:49.240 --> 0:27:51.560 and might seem a little more antagonistic, so that we 0:27:51.600 --> 0:27:54.399 can work on that thing I talked about with uh Sally, 0:27:54.440 --> 0:27:57.720 a little bit of of um enrolling them into our team. 0:27:57.760 --> 0:28:00.000 If somebody's mad at us, it's not necessarily the easiest 0:28:00.080 --> 0:28:02.040 thing to say, I hear you, and we're going to 0:28:02.119 --> 0:28:05.160 solve this together. But it does seem like that's probably 0:28:05.160 --> 0:28:07.920 where the solution will lie in terms of the age thing. 0:28:08.080 --> 0:28:12.040 I don't know how much that's projecting versus real, but 0:28:12.119 --> 0:28:15.640 I wonder if it will be more helpful for her 0:28:15.720 --> 0:28:20.440 to reframe it as people love grandchildren. Right. So if yes, 0:28:20.480 --> 0:28:23.280 there is obviously an element of like, are you gonna 0:28:23.960 --> 0:28:26.440 take seriously a young woman on the phone who's asking 0:28:26.440 --> 0:28:29.280 for a lot of money? But I think you can 0:28:29.320 --> 0:28:31.800 bring in the assured in the assuring. The assuring half 0:28:31.800 --> 0:28:34.800 of it is saying I don't worry, it's going to 0:28:34.880 --> 0:28:36.800 be great, right. The assured is I know what I'm 0:28:36.800 --> 0:28:41.320 talking about. The assuring is I've got you, And you know, 0:28:41.960 --> 0:28:44.920 I think that kind of cuts across age. And if 0:28:44.960 --> 0:28:47.560 it doesn't, then you're dealing with an asshole. And I'm 0:28:47.600 --> 0:28:49.240 so sorry, but you know, try to get as much 0:28:49.240 --> 0:28:53.440 money as you can out of him. You are the future. 0:28:53.880 --> 0:28:57.200 That's right, that's right. In fact, I will say this also, 0:28:57.720 --> 0:29:01.920 I have a friend who's in her twenties started a really, 0:29:01.960 --> 0:29:05.600 really awesome organization for young people, and she told me, 0:29:06.200 --> 0:29:08.280 I just feel like I'm too young. People are no 0:29:08.280 --> 0:29:10.200 one's going to take me seriously. And I was like, 0:29:10.240 --> 0:29:12.800 you know, considering that what you're starting to do is 0:29:12.840 --> 0:29:15.960 actually create a network for people your own age and 0:29:16.080 --> 0:29:19.080 talk to older people about trying to you know, sponsor 0:29:19.160 --> 0:29:23.080 that sort of thing, I was so overwhelmed by the 0:29:23.080 --> 0:29:26.880 fact that she took her greatest strength, which is that 0:29:26.920 --> 0:29:29.800 she is a true representative of that generation, and saw 0:29:29.840 --> 0:29:32.560 it as a weakness. And I think there's a lesson 0:29:32.560 --> 0:29:35.800 in that for all of us. All Right, we got 0:29:35.840 --> 0:29:38.600 a question from leanne Um. I feel like my speaking 0:29:38.680 --> 0:29:41.640 voice can be scratchy. It's not smooth with enough breath. 0:29:42.120 --> 0:29:44.280 I think it's nerves and stress. I think that I 0:29:44.320 --> 0:29:46.560 can sound good, but not always when I want to. 0:29:46.960 --> 0:29:50.000 I recorded a series of greeting on our organization's new 0:29:50.040 --> 0:29:52.880 phone system, and I really don't like how they sound. 0:29:53.560 --> 0:29:57.880 That's the scoop. Any tips, any tips there? It is 0:29:58.080 --> 0:30:01.160 very valuable, especially if you're doing a recording of your voice. 0:30:01.760 --> 0:30:05.960 Uh to um not feel like you're sort of only 0:30:06.000 --> 0:30:09.200 thinking about your own voice and and um sort of 0:30:09.240 --> 0:30:12.360 like hovering outside yourself, lost in time and space, but 0:30:12.480 --> 0:30:14.920 rather who you're talking to. As soon as we're actually 0:30:14.920 --> 0:30:16.920 connected to who we're talking to and why we're telling 0:30:16.960 --> 0:30:19.640 them this information, we we all we all get better. 0:30:20.640 --> 0:30:23.240 So that is part of it, right too, That is 0:30:23.280 --> 0:30:25.200 part of it. Another part of it is breathing. Another 0:30:25.200 --> 0:30:27.000 part of it. I was thinking about this with an 0:30:27.000 --> 0:30:29.680 earlier question. Um, but I'll say it here because it's 0:30:29.720 --> 0:30:31.680 valuable for her as well. You know, part of when 0:30:31.680 --> 0:30:34.440 our voice sounds scratchy. I mean, I will say some 0:30:34.520 --> 0:30:36.920 of that is, honestly just that the damage stuff that 0:30:37.000 --> 0:30:38.840 Dr Gupta was talking about. Like some of it's just 0:30:38.880 --> 0:30:43.400 inevitable from overuse, from yelling, from going out and partying whatever, 0:30:43.720 --> 0:30:46.000 so you know, give ourselves a little break. But some 0:30:46.120 --> 0:30:48.160 of it is a combination of what I was talking 0:30:48.160 --> 0:30:51.640 about earlier, with not breathing enough, combined with there are 0:30:51.640 --> 0:30:54.240 two main places that we resonate in order to make 0:30:54.320 --> 0:30:57.440 sound come out of us. And you know, go with 0:30:57.480 --> 0:31:00.760 me on this. Basically, there's an opening between the um 0:31:00.920 --> 0:31:03.880 bones in our face called our mask resonance. It's below 0:31:03.920 --> 0:31:06.800 our eyes. Uh. Maybe I'll post a little picture of 0:31:06.840 --> 0:31:09.880 this um next to our knows that you can feel it. 0:31:09.920 --> 0:31:12.160 I'm I'm putting my fingers on it right now, my my, 0:31:12.160 --> 0:31:14.720 my first two fingers. Uh. And it's a soft area 0:31:14.800 --> 0:31:18.080 and when you massage it, you can you often end 0:31:18.160 --> 0:31:21.120 up needing to blow your nose afterwards. So massaging this 0:31:21.240 --> 0:31:26.239 area with maybe a hum sound, uh, will open up 0:31:26.240 --> 0:31:30.080 this area. It worked, truly, I like already feel a difference. 0:31:30.440 --> 0:31:32.520 Um It's just a way to remind our body to 0:31:32.640 --> 0:31:34.920 vibrate in that area. And then you can also just 0:31:34.960 --> 0:31:40.200 put your fingers there and just feel, is am I vibrating? Um? Right? Uh? 0:31:40.640 --> 0:31:43.960 Mask resonance it helps with our penniness. Pinkiness is just 0:31:44.080 --> 0:31:45.960 a word that some of us used to just mean 0:31:46.040 --> 0:31:48.960 like that that that really present forward sound. The other 0:31:49.000 --> 0:31:52.880 place that we vibrate is our chest, our chest resonance, 0:31:53.120 --> 0:31:54.640 and that you can put your hand on your chest 0:31:54.720 --> 0:31:58.040 right now and talk, Hi, my name is and see 0:31:58.040 --> 0:32:02.480 if you vibrate and stereo. Typically, UM, women have more 0:32:02.480 --> 0:32:05.480 mask resonans and men have more chest resonance. Uh. The 0:32:05.560 --> 0:32:08.560 dream scenario is a is a perfect blend of the two, 0:32:08.880 --> 0:32:10.720 so that all sort of like all the parts of 0:32:10.760 --> 0:32:13.320 our body that can vibrate when we talk are all vibrating, 0:32:13.320 --> 0:32:15.400 and literally those sound waves are are leaving our body 0:32:15.400 --> 0:32:16.720 and landing on the people that we want to be 0:32:16.760 --> 0:32:20.680 talking to. UM. And what's interesting about it is that 0:32:20.760 --> 0:32:23.800 if we really do have too much mask resonance and 0:32:23.840 --> 0:32:27.320 not enough chest resonance. UM, here's my here's my example. 0:32:27.520 --> 0:32:30.280 If we don't have enough chest resonance, we do sound pingy, 0:32:30.320 --> 0:32:32.920 We sound very forward and present and present is good, 0:32:33.280 --> 0:32:35.840 but we do tend to have this sound where we 0:32:36.080 --> 0:32:38.200 sort of cut ourselves off from our sense of power. 0:32:38.440 --> 0:32:41.280 We're often not breathing. It's a good solution for not 0:32:41.520 --> 0:32:43.560 you know, taking up any space in the world. We're 0:32:43.600 --> 0:32:47.400 just right here. The opposite, and again, stereotypically this is 0:32:47.440 --> 0:32:50.200 this is a male thing. But you know, obviously many 0:32:50.240 --> 0:32:53.120 people are outliers for either of these. But if you 0:32:53.160 --> 0:32:56.160 don't have any mass resonance and your only chest resonance, 0:32:56.280 --> 0:32:58.640 you feel a little bit underwater. People don't quite know 0:32:58.680 --> 0:33:00.920 why you don't seem present, but you don't seem present. 0:33:01.720 --> 0:33:04.000 So ideally you have a blend of the two. That 0:33:04.080 --> 0:33:05.640 may be something that would be useful for her to 0:33:05.680 --> 0:33:08.600 practice before the next time that, you know, she has 0:33:08.680 --> 0:33:12.680 to speak in front of people or on recording. And 0:33:12.720 --> 0:33:15.480 there are some sort of simple exercises that mostly have 0:33:15.560 --> 0:33:18.040 to do with kind of jumping around and dancing and 0:33:18.080 --> 0:33:21.280 just like breathing at the same time and making sounds happen. 0:33:21.560 --> 0:33:23.640 There's basically only three things you need to do ever 0:33:23.840 --> 0:33:27.080 to warm yourself up vocally, three categories. The first one 0:33:27.160 --> 0:33:29.360 is to get yourself breathing, whether that is running around 0:33:29.360 --> 0:33:32.640 the block or you know, dancing to Beyonce or lying 0:33:32.680 --> 0:33:35.200 on your back on the floor and actually just trying 0:33:35.240 --> 0:33:38.000 to get your um body to sort of relax and 0:33:38.000 --> 0:33:41.160 and you know, actually use itself well about it then 0:33:41.240 --> 0:33:44.200 kind of get tight um. Then then the second thing 0:33:44.280 --> 0:33:48.720 is connecting breath to sound. So whether that's often that's 0:33:48.760 --> 0:33:50.360 like if you are lying down on the ground, then 0:33:50.400 --> 0:33:52.400 you start to get up, you start to roll yourself up, 0:33:52.440 --> 0:33:55.320 you start to move your body a little bit, huh. 0:33:55.360 --> 0:33:57.600 And then the final thing is articulators. That's your lips, 0:33:57.640 --> 0:34:00.360 your teeth, your tongue, your jaw. Just seeing, liked, I 0:34:00.400 --> 0:34:03.360 have some jaw attention? Okay, yeah, I'm a human, so 0:34:04.320 --> 0:34:06.800 I have show attention and seeing does your tongue have 0:34:06.880 --> 0:34:08.719 some tightness? Right? You can pull your tongue out. Some 0:34:08.719 --> 0:34:10.760 people even like to hold onto their tongue. Some people 0:34:10.920 --> 0:34:13.759 hate that totally fine other way. But if you hold 0:34:13.800 --> 0:34:18.080 onto your tongue and try to count to ten, none 0:34:18.160 --> 0:34:20.600 them right, you really realize that all those that your 0:34:20.600 --> 0:34:22.640 tongue is a huge muscle. It goes down to your 0:34:22.680 --> 0:34:25.640 neck and uh, and often it's it's really tightened the 0:34:25.640 --> 0:34:27.520 back and loosening that up gives you so much more 0:34:27.560 --> 0:34:31.440 flexibility and you know, ability to communicate with all of 0:34:31.440 --> 0:34:34.760 your tools at your disposal. So that's really it breathing 0:34:35.040 --> 0:34:38.360 into connecting it to sound, which can help with this 0:34:38.440 --> 0:34:40.800 mask in this chest resonance stuff if you're just moving 0:34:40.800 --> 0:34:42.960 around and vibrating a little bit, and you know, you 0:34:42.960 --> 0:34:47.640 can even tarzan uh all right, really getting sound into 0:34:47.680 --> 0:34:51.439 these places that sometimes it's just stuck and hasn't gone 0:34:51.440 --> 0:34:54.440 into for a while, and then connecting that with you know, 0:34:57.480 --> 0:35:01.319 abc D E right, So any of that stuff is 0:35:01.320 --> 0:35:03.160 going to put her in a better position than just 0:35:03.239 --> 0:35:05.440 not doing that stuff. You know, that's for all of us. 0:35:05.880 --> 0:35:08.680 This brings me to my next question from Karen. She says, 0:35:08.719 --> 0:35:12.160 how should we respond when a male coworker or supervisor 0:35:12.239 --> 0:35:15.240 treats us in a sexiest way but is either unaware 0:35:15.360 --> 0:35:17.480 or is choosing to be unaware of their actions. How 0:35:17.520 --> 0:35:24.400 should we coach our male coworkers on their problematic jargon? Yeah, girl, 0:35:24.520 --> 0:35:27.799 I hear you know. I mean, this is obviously a 0:35:27.840 --> 0:35:30.360 collective thing, and it's a bummer that, you know, it 0:35:30.400 --> 0:35:33.239 feels like an individual thing because you know, those of 0:35:33.320 --> 0:35:36.520 us who are alone in offices with people who don't 0:35:36.560 --> 0:35:40.000 look or sound like us. UM, you know, inevitably half 0:35:40.000 --> 0:35:42.320 like added on s on us to solve the problem 0:35:42.440 --> 0:35:45.560 or to suck it up, And that's a bummer, UM, 0:35:45.600 --> 0:35:48.319 if you're interested in really solving it, which you don't 0:35:48.320 --> 0:35:50.120 have to be, you know, I mean, you can also 0:35:50.160 --> 0:35:53.480 just like suck it up or leave the job or 0:35:53.600 --> 0:35:55.960 or you know, have a closet to scream in. But 0:35:56.000 --> 0:35:57.359 if you get to the point where you really are 0:35:57.400 --> 0:36:02.120 committed to doing something, UM, you know, everybody's office is different. 0:36:02.160 --> 0:36:04.400 If you have an ally who you know fits the 0:36:04.400 --> 0:36:07.439 description you're you're talking about, that's obviously the first person 0:36:07.480 --> 0:36:10.600 to talk to to get feedback from them on how 0:36:10.640 --> 0:36:14.520 to talk to the others. UM. But the main thing is, 0:36:15.440 --> 0:36:18.160 you know, Shaunta told such an amazing story about a 0:36:18.200 --> 0:36:22.600 woman who said something sort of accidentally racist, and it 0:36:22.640 --> 0:36:26.880 was Shaunta's decision whether or not to call that out UM. 0:36:26.920 --> 0:36:28.760 And I think, you know, listen back to her episode 0:36:28.760 --> 0:36:32.279 to see how she dealt with it. But I think 0:36:32.320 --> 0:36:35.160 this strength and warmth thing really works in this context 0:36:35.200 --> 0:36:41.000 as well. Assured and assuring right finding UM an opportunity 0:36:41.680 --> 0:36:44.120 you know, to be very clear to say, like I'm 0:36:44.120 --> 0:36:46.400 going to I would like to gather a few of 0:36:46.480 --> 0:36:48.840 us together to talk about something that's really been making 0:36:49.480 --> 0:36:54.200 my workspace feel less productive for me, which you know 0:36:54.239 --> 0:36:56.560 obviously frames it like this is about work, and this 0:36:56.640 --> 0:36:58.799 is about all of us getting on the same page 0:36:58.840 --> 0:37:00.960 about how to make something the productive it can be, 0:37:01.520 --> 0:37:03.840 and then saying you may very well not be aware 0:37:03.880 --> 0:37:07.440 of it. And I'm you know, sort of like pleased 0:37:07.440 --> 0:37:09.000 for you that no one else has ever had to 0:37:09.040 --> 0:37:13.279 tell you this, that it must be nice, but um, 0:37:13.320 --> 0:37:15.640 there are certain ways that you're interacting with me that 0:37:15.760 --> 0:37:17.839 makes me feel like I can't bring my full self 0:37:17.840 --> 0:37:20.680 into the space, And if you're interested in what those are, 0:37:21.080 --> 0:37:23.040 I'd really like to tell you about them so that 0:37:23.080 --> 0:37:26.440 you can, you know, think about ways to make some changes. 0:37:27.920 --> 0:37:31.719 And then you know, you're appealing to people's like best selves, 0:37:32.120 --> 0:37:34.200 and if they're not interested in bringing their best selves 0:37:34.200 --> 0:37:37.280 to the table, you know, it's a it's a longer 0:37:37.400 --> 0:37:40.920 term process. And you know, the other thing I'll say 0:37:41.200 --> 0:37:45.680 is that conversation will go better if you've done all 0:37:45.719 --> 0:37:49.080 the other things I've talked about today. I guess beforehand, 0:37:49.200 --> 0:37:52.120 if you've danced it out, if you've worked on your breathing, 0:37:52.160 --> 0:37:54.719 if you've worked on speaking from a you know, in 0:37:54.719 --> 0:37:57.359 a way where it feels like the content and the 0:37:57.480 --> 0:38:00.680 body language and the tone of voice are all in alignment, 0:38:01.120 --> 0:38:04.239 because God, it's hard to have a difficult conversation, and 0:38:04.360 --> 0:38:07.919 especially in a work context because obviously, you know, there's 0:38:08.000 --> 0:38:11.239 certain intimacies and then certain elements of mistrust or of 0:38:11.320 --> 0:38:13.839 just lack of you know, being on the same page 0:38:13.920 --> 0:38:15.960 with people, and there's an element of, you know, my 0:38:16.040 --> 0:38:19.040 livelihood is at stake. So what you're saying is don't 0:38:19.080 --> 0:38:21.919 call them a sexist asshole. You can do that part 0:38:22.280 --> 0:38:25.640 to your friends as you're processing what you should say, 0:38:26.760 --> 0:38:29.719 you know, or you can, I mean whatever, like try that. 0:38:29.880 --> 0:38:31.960 I don't know. I mean, like really the point of 0:38:32.080 --> 0:38:34.719 use your voice to get what you want is like 0:38:35.320 --> 0:38:38.640 literally what works? I don't I'm not really interested in 0:38:38.640 --> 0:38:41.480 in what sounds like it would be flowery but won't work. 0:38:41.800 --> 0:38:44.799 You know, Like that's fine, try it out, go for 0:38:44.880 --> 0:38:47.440 you know, call people whatever you want. You know, I guess, 0:38:47.800 --> 0:38:49.920 But the reality is if what we're really trying to 0:38:49.960 --> 0:38:51.960 get what we want, then we're trying to be heard. 0:38:52.320 --> 0:38:56.080 And you know, there's all kinds of common ground lessons 0:38:56.120 --> 0:38:58.280 online you can look up like how to build common ground. 0:38:58.600 --> 0:39:01.920 Often it's about said the ground rules of we're all 0:39:01.960 --> 0:39:06.120 trying for the same thing. You know, your intention is 0:39:06.200 --> 0:39:09.319 to you know, your the random do that you work with. 0:39:09.480 --> 0:39:14.480 Your intention is to get this project done as efficiently 0:39:14.640 --> 0:39:18.799 and as you know, easily as possible. That's my intention too, 0:39:19.520 --> 0:39:22.120 So that it's not you know, you're a bad person, 0:39:22.160 --> 0:39:25.520 because look, so many of the dudes in our lives 0:39:25.520 --> 0:39:27.400 who are not as evolved as we'd like them to 0:39:27.480 --> 0:39:30.200 be are just products of their own ship right there, 0:39:30.239 --> 0:39:32.680 products of the same societal stuff we've had to deal with. 0:39:33.040 --> 0:39:37.799 So you know, yeah, it might be satisfying to call 0:39:37.880 --> 0:39:39.799 them out and say you're a sexy stasshole, but it 0:39:39.880 --> 0:39:43.799 probably will be more useful to say, I bet you 0:39:43.920 --> 0:39:46.879 want this to be as productive as possible. Me too. 0:39:47.600 --> 0:39:50.359 You know, here's something we could work on together, right, 0:39:50.400 --> 0:39:52.880 And I think that creates long term change instead of 0:39:52.920 --> 0:39:56.759 an immediate reactive response. And I will say also to 0:39:56.800 --> 0:39:59.160 bring it back to the Shanta story I started with. 0:39:59.440 --> 0:40:04.680 You know, the book White Fragility, which everybody who's not 0:40:04.719 --> 0:40:08.400 a person of color should read, is really valuable for 0:40:08.600 --> 0:40:10.840 holding up a mirror to the ways in which we 0:40:10.880 --> 0:40:14.800 all get fragile when called on our stuff. And I 0:40:14.840 --> 0:40:17.800 bet that there's a sort of a sideways way into 0:40:17.840 --> 0:40:21.080 talking to the sexist people in your life by reading 0:40:21.120 --> 0:40:24.680 that book and thinking about the ways that we can all, um, 0:40:24.719 --> 0:40:28.040 you know, sort of communicate in a way that doesn't 0:40:28.080 --> 0:40:32.880 just ryle defensiveness right away, And with that, we're going 0:40:32.920 --> 0:40:34.880 to jump to a quick break. We'll be back in 0:40:34.880 --> 0:40:45.360 just a minute. So we're back. This is a question 0:40:45.440 --> 0:40:48.400 from Nicole. She says, how do you deal with imposter syndrome? 0:40:49.200 --> 0:40:54.280 I was at a conference once and the woman who 0:40:54.440 --> 0:40:58.640 is the president, former president of Princeton University, who's the 0:40:58.640 --> 0:41:02.120 first woman president of any Ivy League school. She's like 0:41:02.160 --> 0:41:07.840 a decorated biologist, amazing woman. She raised like multiple billions 0:41:07.840 --> 0:41:11.600 of dollars for Princeton during her time there. Um was 0:41:11.640 --> 0:41:16.680 asked when she felt like she was enough, and it 0:41:16.760 --> 0:41:19.160 was on this stage in front of three thousand women 0:41:19.200 --> 0:41:21.040 at a luncheon where we were all sitting at like 0:41:21.200 --> 0:41:27.600 circular tables, and she her answer was this. She literally 0:41:28.480 --> 0:41:31.240 took the longest pause in the history of the world, 0:41:33.200 --> 0:41:36.439 and it was like the penny just dropped for all 0:41:36.480 --> 0:41:38.640 of us. We were in these circular tables looking at 0:41:38.640 --> 0:41:42.640 each other across the table going oh, this is just 0:41:42.719 --> 0:41:45.440 a thing, and it's I've read it's not even just 0:41:45.520 --> 0:41:49.680 a woman thing, you know. I think there's something so 0:41:52.880 --> 0:41:56.680 freeing about the fact that imposter syndrome is as universal 0:41:56.719 --> 0:42:00.839 as it is. And the you know, the more we're 0:42:00.880 --> 0:42:05.560 doing something challenging, the more we whatever it comes up 0:42:05.600 --> 0:42:08.200 for us and we think we're not worthy of that place. 0:42:08.560 --> 0:42:12.960 And to just hear that that voice and say, oh, hi, hi, hi, 0:42:13.280 --> 0:42:15.480 you know, I hear you, I see you. I'm not 0:42:15.520 --> 0:42:19.960 going to believe you, you know. And it doesn't necessarily 0:42:20.000 --> 0:42:23.120 solve it in the moment, but it does allow us 0:42:23.160 --> 0:42:26.440 to begin to have a relationship with that voice that 0:42:26.600 --> 0:42:29.680 isn't antagonistic, that's just saying, oh, you're probably trying to 0:42:29.680 --> 0:42:34.120 protect me, you know. Anyway, that's my feeling about imposter syndrome. 0:42:34.640 --> 0:42:37.040 This question is from Michelle. I like this question a lot. 0:42:37.080 --> 0:42:39.000 I like all these questions, but this is great when 0:42:39.000 --> 0:42:41.320 the show must go on and you're entering a space 0:42:41.320 --> 0:42:43.600 where you have to speak to a large crowd, or 0:42:43.640 --> 0:42:46.160 maybe have a weird, awkward conversation with a boss or 0:42:46.200 --> 0:42:48.400 a co worker, or go on stage to perform your 0:42:48.440 --> 0:42:51.080 stand up routine, but you have massive anxiety, or you're 0:42:51.080 --> 0:42:53.400 coming out of a conversation or a moment where the 0:42:53.440 --> 0:42:55.680 brain space that you're in is not in your calmst 0:42:56.000 --> 0:42:58.680 most ideal space. How do you change your state so 0:42:58.719 --> 0:43:01.520 that you can deliver your message clearly and effectively the 0:43:01.520 --> 0:43:05.320 moment before anything that's really high stakes. It's so valuable 0:43:05.400 --> 0:43:08.840 to take a second alone, to meditate for a second 0:43:08.840 --> 0:43:11.480 if you'd like to breathe um with no thoughts, but 0:43:11.520 --> 0:43:15.160 then to also have some really deliberate ones to think 0:43:15.200 --> 0:43:18.400 about the people who bring you so much joy, to 0:43:18.520 --> 0:43:21.560 think about what makes you feel more confident, not less, 0:43:21.840 --> 0:43:24.200 and to also do something with your body, you know, 0:43:24.480 --> 0:43:29.640 whether it's listening to you know, your favorite empowered woman's singer. 0:43:29.680 --> 0:43:31.960 I actually I was thinking about this. I would love 0:43:32.080 --> 0:43:34.680 for people to send in what their favorite music is 0:43:34.760 --> 0:43:36.320 right now, and maybe we can make like a Spotify 0:43:36.360 --> 0:43:40.600 playlist of people's favorites, like, um, you know, as you're 0:43:40.600 --> 0:43:43.239 going onto the stage, like what's your you know, theme song, 0:43:43.280 --> 0:43:47.040 and it can keep changing whatever, but um, you know, 0:43:47.920 --> 0:43:50.839 dancing around a little bit like loosening up. I mean 0:43:51.160 --> 0:43:53.799 this can't not sound sexual, but loosening up your hips, 0:43:53.800 --> 0:43:57.600 a little loosening up the space under your arms. When 0:43:57.640 --> 0:44:00.680 we're really uncomfortable, we often sort of, uh, you know, 0:44:00.800 --> 0:44:03.399 pin our elbows to the sides of our bodies if 0:44:03.440 --> 0:44:06.200 we create a little space there. What we're really trying 0:44:06.239 --> 0:44:09.560 to do is um the word trick came to mind. 0:44:09.840 --> 0:44:12.200 It's not quite as manipulative as that, but trick our 0:44:12.239 --> 0:44:16.000 bodies into remembering that open is just as much of 0:44:16.040 --> 0:44:19.799 an option as closed, and closed feels like a you know, 0:44:19.840 --> 0:44:22.440 a go to place when we're scared, but open as 0:44:22.480 --> 0:44:24.719 a go to place when we're when we um, when 0:44:24.719 --> 0:44:27.760 we really want to show our hearts. And the gamble 0:44:28.080 --> 0:44:31.400 that I think many of us um can work our 0:44:31.520 --> 0:44:35.160 way into taking. Whether it's a difficult conversation with one 0:44:35.239 --> 0:44:39.040 person or you know, a complicated talk in front of thousands, 0:44:39.440 --> 0:44:42.799 the gamble is, is that more open version of me, 0:44:43.320 --> 0:44:47.360 with that my heart revealed, going to get what I 0:44:47.400 --> 0:44:51.480 want more? And the answer is probably yes, because probably 0:44:51.480 --> 0:44:54.000 what you want is for people to you know, really 0:44:54.000 --> 0:44:56.920 hear you, whether it's about your product or about yourself 0:44:57.000 --> 0:45:00.880 or about them. So know, what can we do in 0:45:00.920 --> 0:45:04.799 that moment before where we're feeling all that anxiety to 0:45:04.920 --> 0:45:08.000 just get our body to actually do some like opening stuff. 0:45:08.040 --> 0:45:09.680 I mean this is also where like the Amy Cutty 0:45:09.719 --> 0:45:13.080 power pose comes into play, Like, yeah, it's pretty delightful 0:45:13.120 --> 0:45:14.680 to put your hands on your hips and try to 0:45:14.680 --> 0:45:17.520 be wonder woman. But that's also just a thing that 0:45:17.600 --> 0:45:19.640 opens up that exact space I was just talking about 0:45:19.680 --> 0:45:22.160 between your body and your you know, under arms, like 0:45:22.440 --> 0:45:26.400 just finding a way to go. Ah, I will reveal 0:45:26.520 --> 0:45:29.440 myself instead of conceal myself, or I will be open 0:45:29.480 --> 0:45:32.359 instead of closed. And we can do that with all 0:45:32.400 --> 0:45:33.640 the parts of our body, and we can do that 0:45:33.680 --> 0:45:36.000 with our fingers. We can do when we get when 0:45:36.000 --> 0:45:39.920 we get really anxious, everything closes up. So you know, 0:45:40.080 --> 0:45:42.080 on a physical level as well as a mental level, 0:45:42.120 --> 0:45:44.239 we can think about opening. That's all it really is. 0:45:44.600 --> 0:45:47.120 And the other thing is a little bit of nervous 0:45:48.040 --> 0:45:50.880 is okay we've all heard at this point, Like you know, 0:45:51.080 --> 0:45:54.200 you can reframe nervous to be excited. Sometimes that works, 0:45:54.280 --> 0:45:57.000 you know. But also just know that we live in 0:45:57.040 --> 0:46:00.279 a society that is often telling us it's for to 0:46:00.320 --> 0:46:03.640 care less. And I'm really interested in changing that, you know, 0:46:04.200 --> 0:46:07.040 changing our mindset around that because we love to see 0:46:07.080 --> 0:46:10.200 people care, we do it. We'll all lean in when 0:46:10.200 --> 0:46:12.600 we see that someone cares. And nerves is another way 0:46:12.600 --> 0:46:15.640 of saying I care. We can be nervous about something 0:46:15.680 --> 0:46:18.600 that matters to us. We don't have to apologize for it. 0:46:18.640 --> 0:46:20.360 I mean, I've I've definitely heard a lot of speeches 0:46:20.360 --> 0:46:22.759 that start with I'm so nervous. I don't know if 0:46:22.800 --> 0:46:24.640 it actually helps to say I'm so nervous, or to 0:46:24.719 --> 0:46:28.000 say who, I'm excited to be here, like everyone knows 0:46:28.000 --> 0:46:29.919 what that means. It means like, wow, I got lots 0:46:29.920 --> 0:46:32.640 of big feelings in my body. We can totally embrace 0:46:32.680 --> 0:46:35.720 I got lots of big feelings in my body. Hi, Hi, 0:46:35.800 --> 0:46:39.239 Hi everybody. Um. And then and then the other thing is, 0:46:39.280 --> 0:46:41.040 you know, if this is if we are talking about 0:46:41.320 --> 0:46:46.000 a talk, then uh, something that I love to remind 0:46:46.080 --> 0:46:49.319 people of. Um, you know, obviously different for different contexts, 0:46:49.360 --> 0:46:51.840 but if there's any way that you can make the 0:46:51.880 --> 0:46:53.879 first thing that happens in your talk be a way 0:46:53.880 --> 0:46:56.880 of engaging your audience, asking them a question, asking for 0:46:56.920 --> 0:47:00.680 a show of hands, or for applause, or for you know, odds, 0:47:00.719 --> 0:47:04.200 if you know who's here because you know who just 0:47:04.440 --> 0:47:06.840 read about blah, blah blah, just getting everybody to be 0:47:06.880 --> 0:47:08.960 in the same room together and to know that like 0:47:09.080 --> 0:47:11.279 we're all sharing a space, we're all breathing together, and 0:47:11.320 --> 0:47:13.480 we're all, you know, part of what's about to happen. 0:47:13.880 --> 0:47:16.160 We'll also calm our nerves because then it's less about 0:47:16.239 --> 0:47:19.600 us and more about them. I took this amazing online 0:47:19.600 --> 0:47:21.400 class from a woman I'm going to have on the 0:47:21.400 --> 0:47:24.200 pot at some point called Feminist Business School. And the 0:47:24.280 --> 0:47:27.880 first rule of Feminist Business school is you have a body. 0:47:28.320 --> 0:47:30.480 There's so much to be said there, but I just 0:47:30.600 --> 0:47:34.000 remind myself of that a comical amount of times. You know, 0:47:34.120 --> 0:47:36.960 I think all of us have the ability to accidentally 0:47:36.960 --> 0:47:38.759 live too much in our heads and to try to 0:47:38.800 --> 0:47:41.000 sort of think our way out of stuff. And often 0:47:41.040 --> 0:47:43.000 our body has way more wisdom than we give it 0:47:43.000 --> 0:47:44.560 credit for, and we don't have to think we can 0:47:44.600 --> 0:47:46.480 like feel our way out of stuff. You know. We 0:47:46.600 --> 0:47:48.480 got some great questions that I think we can kind 0:47:48.480 --> 0:47:52.120 of jam through. Here a Samarrow speed round if you will. Okay, 0:47:52.160 --> 0:47:54.480 so this is from Brandon. How do you know so 0:47:54.520 --> 0:48:00.319 many different dialects? Have you traveled a lot or something? Um? So, 0:48:00.360 --> 0:48:03.200 the secret with being a dialect coach is that you 0:48:03.320 --> 0:48:05.960 learn every accent as you go. It is not about 0:48:06.480 --> 0:48:08.240 keeping a billion of them in my head at once. 0:48:08.680 --> 0:48:11.279 It's about, um, knowing what the project in front of 0:48:11.320 --> 0:48:13.920 me requires and then doing like a little bit of 0:48:13.960 --> 0:48:17.080 delightfully nerdy research. You know. I did a project most 0:48:17.080 --> 0:48:20.759 recently before everything got shut down for coronavirus, where I 0:48:20.800 --> 0:48:24.759 was working with two actors who were not from the 0:48:24.880 --> 0:48:32.000 US on a nineteen fifties North Carolina African American vernacular 0:48:32.120 --> 0:48:36.680 accent from two people who were educated and ambitious but 0:48:36.719 --> 0:48:39.239 living on a farmhouse. So that's not like, oh I 0:48:39.239 --> 0:48:41.200 got that one in my back pocket, you know, I 0:48:41.200 --> 0:48:44.120 mean on purpose. The derive, the derive, the whole really, 0:48:44.320 --> 0:48:47.120 the whole idea of our voice reflects our life experience. 0:48:47.320 --> 0:48:49.680 Is that every single person, and this goes for all 0:48:49.719 --> 0:48:52.680 of us, every single person sounds different from every other person. 0:48:53.080 --> 0:48:56.279 And that's you know, really liberating. Especially I have to 0:48:56.280 --> 0:48:58.239 say when I work with actors for whom English is 0:48:58.239 --> 0:49:01.000 their second language, or who are British working on an 0:49:01.040 --> 0:49:03.439 American accent, which you know is the other other half 0:49:03.480 --> 0:49:07.080 of of of the dialect work. Um, you know, if 0:49:07.080 --> 0:49:09.440 there's not one right way to speak, American English. We 0:49:09.480 --> 0:49:11.840 all know this because we don't sound exactly like our parents, 0:49:11.840 --> 0:49:13.799 and we don't sound exactly like our best friend. And 0:49:13.840 --> 0:49:16.960 that is fine, it's cool. I mean, it's revealing of 0:49:17.000 --> 0:49:20.040 how much we are all you know, globalized in terms 0:49:20.040 --> 0:49:22.400 of what we're seeing on our on YouTube, if not 0:49:22.600 --> 0:49:27.120 you know, traveling ourselves, certainly not traveling right now. Um. 0:49:27.160 --> 0:49:29.040 But yeah, so it is about breaking down all the 0:49:29.080 --> 0:49:31.719 sounds of a native speaker. I find that seems like 0:49:31.760 --> 0:49:33.960 it's really telling the right story for the project at 0:49:34.000 --> 0:49:36.360 hand and breaking down those sounds using something called the 0:49:36.360 --> 0:49:40.759 International Phonetic Alphabet, which is delightfully useful and a bit 0:49:40.760 --> 0:49:43.160 of a secret code. I think that you actually one 0:49:43.200 --> 0:49:45.760 time wrote my name out in this way or sounded 0:49:45.760 --> 0:49:47.640 my name out in this way. Maybe that's something we 0:49:47.680 --> 0:49:51.440 can share. What's really cool about I P a international alphabet, 0:49:51.520 --> 0:49:55.640 not the beer beers great too? Uh? Is that? Um 0:49:55.920 --> 0:49:58.239 it takes all the guests work out. So you know, 0:49:58.280 --> 0:50:01.040 there's twenty six letters in English. But if you look 0:50:01.040 --> 0:50:04.879 at the letter A in a word you don't know, say, um, 0:50:04.920 --> 0:50:08.360 it literally could be a like apple, all, like father, 0:50:08.800 --> 0:50:12.880 a like long a. It could be about or it 0:50:12.920 --> 0:50:16.640 could be all like, all, how cute. That's five different 0:50:16.640 --> 0:50:20.680 sounds with one symbol. So International Phonetic Alphabet solves that 0:50:20.719 --> 0:50:23.560 by having five different symbols. So it's really annoying to learn. 0:50:23.840 --> 0:50:26.600 But once you know it, you can break down every 0:50:26.600 --> 0:50:32.800 single you know, sound word phrase in this UM secret code, 0:50:33.160 --> 0:50:37.480 and you know it's share able across cultures and linguists 0:50:37.760 --> 0:50:40.360 learn it. Dialect coaches learn it, a lot of actors 0:50:40.440 --> 0:50:43.040 learn it. UM you know, opera singers. I guess I'm 0:50:43.360 --> 0:50:47.080 uh speech pathologists. That's another place that UM International Phonetic 0:50:47.080 --> 0:50:50.080 Alphabet comes in handy and it's so cool. I mean, yeah, 0:50:50.160 --> 0:50:52.840 there's a learning curve, but so is like learning music 0:50:53.160 --> 0:50:58.080 and then you can play music. Okay, Next question from 0:50:58.160 --> 0:51:00.239 Leslie do you have a mom voice and if so, 0:51:00.360 --> 0:51:02.000 what is it and why? And do you have any 0:51:02.000 --> 0:51:05.000 tips on how to speak with your children in a 0:51:05.040 --> 0:51:07.440 clear and gentle manner but also stand in your power 0:51:07.480 --> 0:51:11.360 when times get wild, especially in these days. Well, I 0:51:11.400 --> 0:51:13.520 did talk about a lot of that before, UM, but 0:51:13.560 --> 0:51:16.840 what can I add? I try as hard as possible 0:51:16.880 --> 0:51:20.000 to make my mom voice and my not mom voice match. 0:51:20.760 --> 0:51:25.840 I really have a physical discomfort with UM talking to 0:51:25.920 --> 0:51:29.480 kids in a voice that feels really young. Uh, there's 0:51:29.520 --> 0:51:32.640 something biological, like they're like, there are studies that show 0:51:32.680 --> 0:51:35.319 that across cultures people talk to babies in the same way, 0:51:35.360 --> 0:51:36.840 and our voice goes up and we make you know, 0:51:36.880 --> 0:51:39.680 a little little cute sing songy sounds, so like whatever. 0:51:39.719 --> 0:51:41.520 I do not mean to demonize any of that, but 0:51:41.600 --> 0:51:43.360 when we're at the point where we're trying to communicate 0:51:43.400 --> 0:51:45.719 with them, like people, I think it's really valuable to 0:51:45.760 --> 0:51:47.799 not just ask them to speak in their strong voice, 0:51:47.800 --> 0:51:49.600 but to use our strong voice back to them. And 0:51:49.800 --> 0:51:51.879 you know, I use the strong voice quote unquote because 0:51:51.880 --> 0:51:54.040 that was, you know, something that I picked up along 0:51:54.080 --> 0:51:56.400 the way. Now I should probably call the strong and 0:51:56.440 --> 0:51:59.160 warm voice. Right, So let's bring us to our next question, 0:51:59.200 --> 0:52:01.040 which has to do it children, which has to do 0:52:01.160 --> 0:52:04.520 with Gavin's question, do you think that birth order plays 0:52:04.560 --> 0:52:06.319 a role in the way that we speak and use 0:52:06.320 --> 0:52:08.799 our voice? Now? Am I not? Totally? It's the same 0:52:08.840 --> 0:52:10.520 thing as part of the I should I should add 0:52:10.560 --> 0:52:12.319 that to my list of stuff I rattle off when 0:52:12.320 --> 0:52:15.080 I say that, you know, your voice is a reflection 0:52:15.120 --> 0:52:17.319 of your life experience. Of course, how did you need 0:52:17.360 --> 0:52:20.160 to get hurt when you were a kid, Literally, what 0:52:20.160 --> 0:52:21.799 did you need to do to get hurt if you're 0:52:21.840 --> 0:52:24.520 an only child? The answer is just different, you know. 0:52:25.000 --> 0:52:29.640 Next question Tomorrow's best opening lines for dating apps like Bumble, 0:52:29.680 --> 0:52:34.640 where the woman messages first, Oh, I like that. I 0:52:34.760 --> 0:52:37.120 just love I just love that. I'm like, suddenly the 0:52:37.200 --> 0:52:40.799 expert in this is. But I will say I met 0:52:40.840 --> 0:52:44.239 my husband online dating, so um, I'll take it. I'm 0:52:44.360 --> 0:52:49.560 clearly an expert. Um. I think that I would love 0:52:49.640 --> 0:52:51.600 to get feedback from people who are on those dating 0:52:51.600 --> 0:52:54.200 apps right now to see what feels really empowering when 0:52:54.239 --> 0:52:57.160 you post an opening. But um, I know that what 0:52:57.280 --> 0:52:59.399 worked for me, and that feels like it's very much 0:52:59.440 --> 0:53:01.440 like in keeping with my my ethos when it comes 0:53:01.440 --> 0:53:05.319 to all this other stuff is I would state my 0:53:05.400 --> 0:53:08.279 intention and also leave it very open ended. I would 0:53:08.280 --> 0:53:11.759 say something like, you seem really great, check out my 0:53:11.920 --> 0:53:15.040 you know whatever, my stuff, and tell me if you agree. 0:53:15.400 --> 0:53:17.799 So that you're you are being vulnerable up talk. You're 0:53:17.800 --> 0:53:21.400 saying I'm interested, but you're also saying, hey, you know, 0:53:21.760 --> 0:53:23.239 take a look at me. If you're not interested in 0:53:23.239 --> 0:53:25.879 me whatever, I've moved on already. So there's a nice 0:53:25.920 --> 0:53:27.960 sort of give and take of being vulnerable, but not 0:53:28.040 --> 0:53:29.640 so vulnerable that you feel like you've given all your 0:53:29.640 --> 0:53:32.160 power away. And I think that's the whole idea with um. 0:53:32.200 --> 0:53:34.040 You know, for steps of a dating app is to 0:53:34.040 --> 0:53:36.200 say I'm I'm open, but I'm not so open you 0:53:36.200 --> 0:53:39.160 can walk all over me. Permission to online date, I say, 0:53:39.440 --> 0:53:43.960 go for it, but not permission to like, you know, 0:53:44.280 --> 0:53:47.319 let it come to fruition quite quite yet, UM, So like, 0:53:47.360 --> 0:53:49.279 maybe don't make your opening so good that you know 0:53:49.320 --> 0:53:53.680 you break your your your social isolation. UM. Truly, I 0:53:53.760 --> 0:53:56.640 love these questions. I love that people are thinking about 0:53:56.680 --> 0:54:00.160 their vocal drama. Obviously there's a possibility I did not 0:54:00.239 --> 0:54:03.560 solve every single person's problem UM with this, But I 0:54:03.600 --> 0:54:08.400 also I mentioned that not to apologize, but to say that, UM, 0:54:08.440 --> 0:54:10.320 even having a space to talk about this stuff to 0:54:10.360 --> 0:54:13.000 sort of um validate that this stuff is real, I 0:54:13.040 --> 0:54:15.000 think is very is very valuable because a lot of 0:54:15.080 --> 0:54:17.560 us just worried that we're the only person who's ever 0:54:17.800 --> 0:54:21.480 wondered about our voice and its power. So you are not. 0:54:22.040 --> 0:54:25.080 I am thinking about it all day every day. UM No, 0:54:25.239 --> 0:54:28.000 but but truly, UM, I'm thrilled to have you guys 0:54:28.040 --> 0:54:31.680 on this journey with me and Cat. I'm thrilled to 0:54:31.719 --> 0:54:34.520 have had you. Um I want to say in my studio, 0:54:34.640 --> 0:54:38.120 but obviously um only in my in my mind. Thank 0:54:38.120 --> 0:54:40.399 you for joining me for this in your zoom chat. 0:54:40.840 --> 0:54:45.879 Yeah yeah, you zoomed with me so hard. Well, thank 0:54:45.880 --> 0:54:47.399 you for having me, and thank you. Yes to all 0:54:47.400 --> 0:54:50.560 of our listeners, please keep your questions coming, they're so relevant. 0:54:50.600 --> 0:54:53.399 You're in this together. We're all in this together, and 0:54:53.560 --> 0:54:55.799 this is a space where we're creating a real community 0:54:55.840 --> 0:54:58.160 around our voice and how we sound and standing in 0:54:58.200 --> 0:55:00.560 our power. And it's important more than ever or to 0:55:00.560 --> 0:55:03.600 to feel connected and heard and we hear you and 0:55:03.640 --> 0:55:07.520 we we see you. And thank you tomorrow for being 0:55:07.560 --> 0:55:09.600 such a great voice and for sharing all your tips 0:55:09.880 --> 0:55:12.920 my pleasure. I feel like you know what this what this, 0:55:13.239 --> 0:55:16.160 what this time has really felt like for me is 0:55:16.200 --> 0:55:20.240 a reminder, especially when some of our nations leaders are 0:55:20.560 --> 0:55:24.760 making so little sense and are so untrustworthy. It's really 0:55:24.840 --> 0:55:28.440 been like such a lesson in how leadership just is 0:55:28.440 --> 0:55:30.520 not about the title you have. It's about what you're 0:55:30.560 --> 0:55:34.200 doing with your you know, communication, who you're bringing along 0:55:34.239 --> 0:55:36.640 with you, what information you're getting out there for other 0:55:36.680 --> 0:55:39.359 people and you know, just too for all of us 0:55:39.360 --> 0:55:42.200 to feel like Um, whether it's because of crisis or not, 0:55:42.600 --> 0:55:44.480 no matter who we are, we all get to say 0:55:44.920 --> 0:55:47.839 I can be of use to somebody, and I can 0:55:47.880 --> 0:55:50.800 be of used to myself by being of use to somebody. 0:55:50.920 --> 0:55:53.640 And whether we're doing that on Zoom or on you know, 0:55:53.719 --> 0:55:57.000 I G t V or whatever right now, to the 0:55:57.040 --> 0:56:00.160 people in our own lives and our in our small spaces, Um, 0:56:00.160 --> 0:56:02.880 I just want everybody to feel like we have your back. 0:56:03.440 --> 0:56:05.160 We have your back, and what I love about some 0:56:05.280 --> 0:56:07.759 are all of your comments are built upon kindness, and 0:56:07.920 --> 0:56:11.239 that right now is so important to stay kind. So 0:56:11.400 --> 0:56:16.520 stay kind, stay healthy, stay sane. Permission to Speak Who, 0:56:18.960 --> 0:56:21.560 Thank you to everybody who sent in questions, and thank 0:56:21.600 --> 0:56:24.240 you all for listening. I'm throwing a bunch of stuff 0:56:24.239 --> 0:56:27.440 we referenced in the show notes this week, and as always, 0:56:27.520 --> 0:56:29.920 check us out at Permission to Speak Pot on Instagram 0:56:30.040 --> 0:56:32.640 or at Permission to Speak pot dot com to submit 0:56:32.760 --> 0:56:36.040 questions for a future mail bag episode, or to submit 0:56:36.080 --> 0:56:38.719 good quotes for the opening, or just to tell me 0:56:39.719 --> 0:56:43.759 what you're feeling. Thanks as well to Sophie Lichtman and 0:56:43.800 --> 0:56:46.960 the team at I Heart Radio My family and cohort 0:56:47.040 --> 0:56:50.880 and all of you. We're recording this podcast at various 0:56:50.920 --> 0:56:54.640 locations around Los Angeles on land that used to belong 0:56:54.680 --> 0:56:57.560 to the Tongva indigenous tribe, and you can visit us 0:56:57.640 --> 0:57:00.560 d A C dot us to learn more about honoring 0:57:00.680 --> 0:57:04.040 native land. Permission to Speak is a production of I 0:57:04.120 --> 0:57:07.480 Heart Radio and Double Vision, Executive produced by Katherine Burke 0:57:07.560 --> 0:57:10.680 Canton and Mark Canton. For more podcasts from my heart Radio, 0:57:10.920 --> 0:57:14.040 listen on the I heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or 0:57:14.080 --> 0:57:27.240 wherever you get your favorite shows, Jack, Mommy and Daddy. 0:57:27.240 --> 0:57:29.800 You're reporting, Oh hell well,