Speaker 1: Contrary to popular belief, I don't celebrate when my kids
Speaker 1: go back to school.
Speaker 2: It's funny you say that, because my sound by today
Speaker 2: was that back to school time is actually a depressing
Speaker 2: time for me because I won't have my children with
Speaker 2: me full time.
Speaker 3: Dead ass.
Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 2: Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 3: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: We about to take Philots off to our whole new.
Speaker 2: Level starts right now.
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about the last day of somewher
Speaker 1: for the kids because it was a realization for one
Speaker 1: of our kids in particular, and that was Cairo we
Speaker 1: had just came back from Mexico and were coming to Bahamas,
Speaker 1: and the Bahamas they had a really good time for
Speaker 1: about two and a half weeks. And we come back
Speaker 1: in the house and on the kitchen table is a
Speaker 1: pile up of school supplies.
Speaker 2: Don't even get me started on the school supplies. We'll
Speaker 2: talk about that later.
Speaker 1: And there was nothing more of a buzzkill for kids
Speaker 1: coming off of vacation and seeing composition notebooks, pencils, highlighters.
Speaker 3: Sharpeners, paper yep.
Speaker 1: So I'm sitting there at the table right and I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: I'm getting hyped. Yo, it's back to school. And I
Speaker 1: was like yo, Cairo. I had my phone up because
Speaker 1: I was doing a video. I think ya have probably
Speaker 1: seen the video. I said, Cairo, man, you're not excited
Speaker 1: about back to school. He rolled his eyes like dad
Speaker 1: rolled his eyes. I was just like, oh, come in, Like,
Speaker 1: what's what's the matter. He was like nothing. I was like,
Speaker 1: you're not excited about going back to school?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: I was like, yo, I used to be mad I
Speaker 1: hyped to go back to school. I used to Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was all lies. I'm trying. I'm trying to create
Speaker 1: a different experience.
Speaker 3: For my kids.
Speaker 1: By for sure, you know lying about my excitement. But
Speaker 1: I used to I said to him myself, I used
Speaker 1: to be excited. Knew how I was excited. In the summertime,
Speaker 1: I didn't get a chance to see my friends. But
Speaker 1: now when I'm going back to school, I used to
Speaker 1: be excited because I get to see my friends. You're
Speaker 1: not excited, This little negro gonna look me right in
Speaker 1: the face and say, that's because you didn't have Wi Fi.
Speaker 2: Fuck a friend. I got Wi Fi.
Speaker 1: No, he sees his friends because of Wi Fi. He
Speaker 1: plays them, He plays them in the video game all
Speaker 1: the time. He talks to them every day, so he's
Speaker 1: not missing his friends.
Speaker 2: And he has his brothers who are at built in
Speaker 2: built best friends that they're with each other all the time.
Speaker 3: So yeah, I was kind of tight.
Speaker 2: You're a little salty.
Speaker 1: I was a little salty, but then and he was equally.
Speaker 3: He was salty.
Speaker 1: But then I got salty too because I was like, man,
Speaker 1: I'm losing one of my best friends with four of
Speaker 1: my best friends because they going.
Speaker 3: Back to school.
Speaker 2: And I think what I did wrong was I had
Speaker 2: us vacation up until that Saturday because that's when your
Speaker 2: dad was trying to squeeze the trip. And so you know,
Speaker 2: our kids are going back to school way earlier than
Speaker 2: New Yorkers. And he's like, all right, how long can
Speaker 2: y'all come forward? And I'm like, we can come till
Speaker 2: that Saturday and we have Sunday to recoup and then
Speaker 2: the school starts Monday. Yeah, don't nobody want to hear
Speaker 2: that shit?
Speaker 3: The kids was pissed. Well, Jackson was ready to go
Speaker 3: back to school. He wanted to see his friends.
Speaker 1: Kaz didn't care at all, but Cairo Carol got me
Speaker 1: piss because he said, I ain't have Wi Fi. ABC's
Speaker 1: simple as one two three, This easy's doory ABC one
Speaker 1: two three Baby You and Me girl.
Speaker 2: Well, hey get it, dude, dance. I can relate to
Speaker 2: the baby you and Me park because it's actually been
Speaker 2: you and me the AB season and one two three, Yes, yes,
Speaker 2: all right, Now let's pay some bills we need to
Speaker 2: because I spent mad money on school supplies for the
Speaker 2: whole school, apparently having to shot for these three kids.
Speaker 2: So we'll be back after these ads. Alrighty and we're back.
Speaker 2: So storytime was hilarious because Cairo literally was like looking
Speaker 2: like he was getting that much more depressed as the
Speaker 2: days ended in Mexico because we started to kind of
Speaker 2: bump up their bedtime. They were used to staying up
Speaker 2: all late till two three in the morning, your dad
Speaker 2: was coming to visit. They were watching movies till super late,
Speaker 2: then sleeping till late. So you know how it is,
Speaker 2: you kind of have to retrain your body to get
Speaker 2: on that school schedule time because when you're waking up
Speaker 2: at six o'clock in the morning to head to first grade,
Speaker 2: it's not necessary the most pleasant thing. But it was
Speaker 2: interesting to me to really realize that I don't like
Speaker 2: to send my kids back to school, like I really
Speaker 2: thoroughly enjoy having our kids at home.
Speaker 1: Yes, I feel like the pandemic quarantine stint when we
Speaker 1: had all of them at home and they were being
Speaker 1: homeschooled and virtual learning.
Speaker 3: I won't say homeschool, they were doing virtual learning.
Speaker 1: I don't want to discredit teachers, because teachers were still teaching,
Speaker 1: but it kind of gave me a sense of comfort
Speaker 1: that my children were where we were baby, you know,
Speaker 1: And you know there's a fear that happens once you
Speaker 1: have kids. That's actually like your heart beating with arms
Speaker 1: and legs and the head walking around on different places,
Speaker 1: different extra heartbeats walking around in different places. I just
Speaker 1: feel more comfortable when they're all.
Speaker 3: In the house.
Speaker 2: I feel the exact same way as you and I
Speaker 2: said it. I don't know if I said it on
Speaker 2: a podcast previously, but in the mornings when I'm getting
Speaker 2: the boys ready for school and they're walking through the door,
Speaker 2: I'm literally like praying every single day, like, Lord, just
Speaker 2: please watch over them while they're not in my presence,
Speaker 2: you know, keep them away from things that are not
Speaker 2: meant for them, like keep them away from danger. And
Speaker 2: you know, you hear about all these school casualties that happen,
Speaker 2: and it's just that's every parent's fear every time your
Speaker 2: child leaves the house, and it doesn't just have to
Speaker 2: be school. But for the sake of the topic today,
Speaker 2: we're talking about summer being over, the kids back in school,
Speaker 2: getting them back out of the house every day, which
Speaker 2: is kind of a relief in a sense because we
Speaker 2: do get a chance to kind of decompress a bit,
Speaker 2: chat we get to work, we get to film the
Speaker 2: podcast for you guys. But the headache that comes back
Speaker 2: to school shopping, homework, assignments, projects. Then there's the after
Speaker 2: school schedules, right, all the activities, all the practices, all
Speaker 2: the games. Then knowing that my weekends aren't my weekends
Speaker 2: anymore because football games and then eventually basketball games, the
Speaker 2: morning wake ups, like it should not be a thing
Speaker 2: to have to wake up before the sun.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna talk.
Speaker 2: About waking up and feeling depressed because yeah, it's super dark,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 3: So I have interesting take on this I want to
Speaker 3: hear first.
Speaker 1: I want to hear you, like, go over what it
Speaker 1: is to plan in the morning to get these kids
Speaker 1: ready for school, and I want you to go through
Speaker 1: all of that, and I'm gonna give you my interesting take. Well,
Speaker 1: I haven't even discussed this with you yet because I
Speaker 1: wanted you to be like I wanted to be authentic
Speaker 1: when I tell you what I believe. Okay, so you
Speaker 1: tell me what First of all, how much did it cost?
Speaker 3: Supplies? Close? All of that?
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: So one thing that I've realized in now having four children,
Speaker 2: a husband, and then all the stuff we have going
Speaker 2: on career wise as individuals and collective planning and organizing
Speaker 2: needs to be on the forefront of everything for us, right,
Speaker 2: So me knowing that Okay, summertime is two months, I
Speaker 2: know by the time I blink these two months are
Speaker 2: going to be over. So how do I A maintain
Speaker 2: spending time with the kids, quality time, allowing them to
Speaker 2: have some fun with their friends. Also to making sure
Speaker 2: that you and I are clearing our schedule to be deliverer,
Speaker 2: deliberate about having time with them. Like, there's so many
Speaker 2: things that went into my mind foreseeing what the two
Speaker 2: months was going to look like. I knew that we
Speaker 2: were going to be on our vacation and then having
Speaker 2: our family vacation. Then the extended family vacation left me
Speaker 2: very little room to do back to school shopping, and
Speaker 2: one thing I was trying to avoid doing was throwing
Speaker 2: bows up in Target or Walmart, trying to fight over
Speaker 2: the last binder because it can get very very hairy
Speaker 2: out there. The kids each have for each class a
Speaker 2: list of supplies that the teachers are requesting in order
Speaker 2: to get them through the school year. So they get
Speaker 2: everything in bulk and I'm assuming there's someplace that they
Speaker 2: store everything. But also too what I've learned and having
Speaker 2: my rants on my Instagram stories and TikTok and whatnot.
Speaker 2: Is that when you're shopping for back to school and
Speaker 2: they're requesting, for example, three boxes of twenty four count crayons,
Speaker 2: it's not three boxes for your child. There may be
Speaker 2: some children in the class who may not be able
Speaker 2: to bring all those supplies in. Or teachers said that
Speaker 2: kids don't like to color with crayons that have been used,
Speaker 2: so after a while, when they starts to look a
Speaker 2: little ugly, they want a new.
Speaker 3: Crazy I got to go back there.
Speaker 1: They asked you to buy three box of crowns just
Speaker 1: in case another kid doesn't have crayon.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's what When teachers were writing into me because
Speaker 2: I made a comment about like, why does chiron Cast
Speaker 2: need six boxes of crayons collectively three apiece for their classes,
Speaker 2: and some teachers said that you're pretty much providing a
Speaker 2: backstock because there may be children who don't have supplies
Speaker 2: or can't bring supplies in, or some can bring in
Speaker 2: one box and not three, and the teacher needs to
Speaker 2: get through the school year. Because we already know the
Speaker 2: struggle teachers have for supplies just getting from the government.
Speaker 1: I understand that, I just don't understand we pay high
Speaker 1: property taxes here, chat, high property taxes to send our
Speaker 1: kids to the best public schools here in this area.
Speaker 1: On top of the high property taxes, you want me
Speaker 1: to buy crayons for other people's kids? We got four kids?
Speaker 1: What about the people like us who have four kids?
Speaker 1: This stuff ain't cheap now, you know me, I don't
Speaker 1: mind helping people as much as I can.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but that's why, Oh, these hot taxes.
Speaker 3: The school can't provide uh, crayons.
Speaker 2: I guess you know. Teachers get what they get. But
Speaker 2: I've seen a lot of teachers the teachers.
Speaker 3: To provide it, we pay high property taxes. Them school
Speaker 3: need to be providing credit.
Speaker 2: They might need to be up in some of some
Speaker 2: board meetings and whatnot. See where the hell the money's going.
Speaker 1: Teachers shouldn't have to provide neither. Teachers don't even get
Speaker 1: paid enough. So to ask a teacher to provide the crowns.
Speaker 2: And any teachers who I know, they tell me how
Speaker 2: much out of pocket they end up spending just because
Speaker 2: they want their children to have that experience. So, being
Speaker 2: a parent who's totally in solidarity with my children's teachers,
Speaker 2: whatever y'all need to make the experiment, experience that much
Speaker 2: better for the children and to make your job that
Speaker 2: much easier. I'm willing to do it. But I've even
Speaker 2: seen teachers posting their wish lists for back to school
Speaker 2: on Amazon because they can't get everything they need through
Speaker 2: the schools.
Speaker 1: You just wantch money the government puts into defense, Like
Speaker 1: we spend trillions of dollars a year on defense and
Speaker 1: we start wars, but we don't put no money into
Speaker 1: early childhood education.
Speaker 3: That's crazy.
Speaker 2: Welcome to America, that's crazy. Loco to America. So all
Speaker 2: that cy the preparation process, I knew, let me go
Speaker 2: shopping before you know, everyone is out there, So it
Speaker 2: was easy for me to do school shopping this time around.
Speaker 2: I did it in peace. The stores weren't crowded, everything
Speaker 2: was in stock. I got everything that I needed. Now
Speaker 2: approaching back to school, your original question was what does
Speaker 2: it look like in the morning for me getting the
Speaker 2: boys out the door. I'm very big on what the
Speaker 2: day looks like for them, like setting the tone for
Speaker 2: the day, because I feel like we'd had moments in
Speaker 2: the past with Jackson. I know you told the story
Speaker 2: before about you know, us having an argument in that morning,
Speaker 2: and it kind of spilling over into Jackson's day and
Speaker 2: him walking out of school feeling like, damn, daddy was
Speaker 2: mad at me all day when it had nothing to
Speaker 2: do with him and everything to do with our situation.
Speaker 2: So from that day forward, I am deliberate too about
Speaker 2: making sure that I'm waking them up in a good mood.
Speaker 2: I'm singing a song as annoying as it probably sounds
Speaker 2: to them in that moment, because They're like, here she
Speaker 2: comes in singing, but I'm waking them up, you know, give.
Speaker 3: To get up in the morning. That was my mother.
Speaker 2: Every day she had a song time to get up.
Speaker 2: I don't know what it is that's in the morning.
Speaker 2: So they'll wake up. And then this is the time
Speaker 2: too when I'll give them an option, like, hey, what
Speaker 2: do you want for breakfast? Because it's like, all right,
Speaker 2: typically we'll just make one breakfast and everybody eats it.
Speaker 2: But I know when it's like having to get up
Speaker 2: at six o'clock in the morning. Shit, I don't want
Speaker 2: to be up much less do you want to be up?
Speaker 2: So I'll give them the option, Okay, what do you
Speaker 2: want Mommy to make for breakfast? So usually they never
Speaker 2: want the same thing one one cereale.
Speaker 3: Remember this.
Speaker 2: So they get their their breakfast in the morning, and
Speaker 2: then after they're doing breakfast, I'm typically packing lunch. And
Speaker 2: then once the lunch is packed, I send them upstairs
Speaker 2: because their clothes is already out, and I try to
Speaker 2: get them into the habit of taking out their clothes
Speaker 2: the night before so we're not scrambling in the morning
Speaker 2: because to me, it's like, you take ten minutes to
Speaker 2: pull take your clothes out iron, your clothes have it
Speaker 2: laid out. That's ten more minutes you can sleep. That's
Speaker 2: the logic. So they go upstairs, they change, come back down,
Speaker 2: and then it's hugs and kisses, lunch boxes, backpacks out
Speaker 2: the door, copy, and then I go back to bed
Speaker 2: when I can, jes so get me a couple more minutes.
Speaker 1: It's this is what I've noticed about my Jamaican invintention
Speaker 1: wife and my Jamaican mother in law. You guys love
Speaker 1: to do a lot of stuff for these kids that
Speaker 1: they can do for themselves, like number one, breakfast in
Speaker 1: the morning, Number two getting closed out at night.
Speaker 3: This is just my take on it.
Speaker 1: I grew up in a home my grandparents and my
Speaker 1: parents where my grandparents, they had three young men they
Speaker 1: had to take care of. It was me and my
Speaker 1: cousin DeVaughn and my brother Brian before Tory came to
Speaker 1: When Tory came then it really became a bigger thing
Speaker 1: because Tory was ten years nine years younger than me,
Speaker 1: and Nana had to do her hair. Nana didn't believe
Speaker 1: in perms and stuff, so she did Toy's hair every morning.
Speaker 1: So you know whose responsibility it was to get ourselves ready? Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: And I'm talking about early. I learned how to cook
Speaker 1: full breakfasts, bacon, eggs, cheese, pancakes, French toast waffles as
Speaker 1: early as six years old. At eight years old, I
Speaker 1: was getting myself ready for school and my brother ready
Speaker 1: for school and then walking him to school when I
Speaker 1: was walking to school. But what it did was it
Speaker 1: taught me a level of independence very very early. Because
Speaker 1: my parents both worked on to five, so they had
Speaker 1: to be up early and get ready to get up
Speaker 1: and get out the house. They didn't have time to
Speaker 1: do all of that stuff that you do for the kids,
Speaker 1: your mom does for the kids. But what it did
Speaker 1: was it taught us a level of independence. When it
Speaker 1: came time for breakfast in the morning, I would get up,
Speaker 1: grab me a cereal. If I wanted grits, I knew
Speaker 1: how to make my grits. If I wanted eggs, I
Speaker 1: would make a quick eggs. But most of the time
Speaker 1: I would grab something quick, a bagel, throw it in
Speaker 1: a toaster with some waffles or something.
Speaker 3: And then for lunch, I would make my own sandwich.
Speaker 1: Make my own sandwich, throw a piece of fruit in there,
Speaker 1: get a box juice. And this was back in the day.
Speaker 1: We didn't have like super cool lunch boxes. I would
Speaker 1: just have a plastic wall bombs bag. I would throw
Speaker 1: it in a plastic wall box bag. I would throw
Speaker 1: it in my book bag and I would just walk
Speaker 1: to school. And I was at eight. So when I
Speaker 1: look at our boys, it would help you a lot
Speaker 1: and your mom early in the morning, Jackson is twelve.
Speaker 1: At twelve, I was taking a bus to school. My
Speaker 1: brother was taking the bus to school. Jackson can get
Speaker 1: up on his own, iron his own clothes, get his breakfast,
Speaker 1: and be out the house without anybody having to be up.
Speaker 1: I know you like to be up so you can
Speaker 1: see him off. And I like to be up to
Speaker 1: see him off, because even when on days when I
Speaker 1: can sleep in, I'll typically get up and just watch
Speaker 1: him walk. Like yesterday, you was laughing at me because
Speaker 1: I watched him walk all the way out of my
Speaker 1: sight and he kept looking back like what, and I
Speaker 1: was just watching him, you know. But I do feel
Speaker 1: like as parents, there has to be a level of
Speaker 1: independence we give to our children, especially early. And the
Speaker 1: reason why I say this is because of this. If
Speaker 1: Jackson is late to school, the consequence of him to
Speaker 1: be in late to school in sixth grade seventh grade
Speaker 1: is not that big deal.
Speaker 3: But when you late to work, you get fired.
Speaker 1: When you spend your whole life someone being there to
Speaker 1: make sure you get up, make sure you get to
Speaker 1: class on time, make sure you do this, it creates
Speaker 1: a crutch that you can't carry that crutch when you
Speaker 1: become a young adult, when you get to high school,
Speaker 1: when you get to college. You know, if you late
Speaker 1: to team meetings in college, you lose your scholarship. In
Speaker 1: high school, you late to practice, you get kicked off
Speaker 1: the team. Teaching them at the end of elementary school,
Speaker 1: beginning of middle school to have responsibility for themselves and
Speaker 1: then you look at their report card and be like, yo,
Speaker 1: you are late to school six times.
Speaker 3: Why would you late to school?
Speaker 1: There's no consequences, but at least they learn what they
Speaker 1: have to do to be on time.
Speaker 2: I completely understand you, and you're absolutely right, and don't
Speaker 2: get it twisted. I'm not doing every single thing for them.
Speaker 2: When I say taking clothes out, it's me more so
Speaker 2: getting them into the rhythm of doing it, not that
Speaker 2: I'm doing it for them. But you know, Cairo's not
Speaker 2: going let nobody take his clothes out for him. You
Speaker 2: want to address his self, so he will get his
Speaker 2: clothes out. But I want to show them and teach
Speaker 2: them now in elementary school, Hey, you want to wear
Speaker 2: this tomorrow? That sure's crushed. You need to get it ironed,
Speaker 2: do it the night before. So for me, it's more
Speaker 2: about teaching a routine so that they will be able
Speaker 2: to do it now that at Jackson's age, he can
Speaker 2: do it.
Speaker 1: Another reason cause Kyro and Kaz are too young to
Speaker 1: get up in the morning and do stuff on their own. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're five and six, but when Cairo is eight going
Speaker 1: into third grade, Yeah, Kiro needs to be doing all
Speaker 1: of this stuff by himself.
Speaker 2: Agreed and it can progression, right, it.
Speaker 1: Can help cas, you know, because they do it. They
Speaker 1: do it together. That's how me and Brian did. We
Speaker 1: were eight and six doing it together.
Speaker 2: So even think about from last year to this year.
Speaker 2: So now close this set out. The night before last year,
Speaker 2: Mom and I were upstairs dressing kaz getting you know,
Speaker 2: doing all of that for them. Now it's you've had
Speaker 2: your breakfast awesome. While I finish up making lunch, they
Speaker 2: go upstairs, they brush their teeth, wash their faces, and
Speaker 2: then they come down already dressed. So then it's just
Speaker 2: put your shoes on, grab your backpack, and you leave.
Speaker 2: But I also like that morning experience with them Jackson,
Speaker 2: particularly because Jackson pretty much does everything on his own.
Speaker 2: All I want waffles to breakfast or come down, throw
Speaker 2: your waffles in rab them and go. But I don't
Speaker 2: get much time with them when the school year happens.
Speaker 2: When it starts. You know, if you don't see Mom
Speaker 2: in the morning and then you go to school all day.
Speaker 2: You get home at school from school at four thirty
Speaker 2: four to forty five. Jackson gets out late and then
Speaker 2: he has an hour before he's in practice for two hours.
Speaker 2: He gets home for practice at nine pm. That's the
Speaker 2: whole day. I don't see my child, so I want
Speaker 2: to be up in the morning. And your parents had
Speaker 2: to do that with you and your brother because they
Speaker 2: had no choice. They had to go to work, right
Speaker 2: I'm sure if they had the choice and had the option,
Speaker 2: they probably would have been up with you guys, not
Speaker 2: necessarily doing everything for you.
Speaker 3: My father would not have been up. School was going,
Speaker 3: my mom would have got my father was not getting up.
Speaker 1: But my whole point is is as daunting as a
Speaker 1: school year can be for parents, especially parents with multiple kids,
Speaker 1: my point is is that if you teach your kids
Speaker 1: to be independent early, it doesn't have to be daunting.
Speaker 1: It is as simple as my mom. By the time
Speaker 1: I got to fifth grade, here was school shopping. We
Speaker 1: did all of the school shopping. I had already figured
Speaker 1: what I wanted to wear. I would lay myself out
Speaker 1: the night before, and once the school year started, my
Speaker 1: parents only saw me on the weekends or when we
Speaker 1: went to open school night. And my parents went to
Speaker 1: every open school night no matter how good my grades were,
Speaker 1: because they wanted to show that they were involved in
Speaker 1: supportive of course, but the routines in the morning to
Speaker 1: get us ready and stuff that doesn't have to be
Speaker 1: an issue for parents, And I feel like for us
Speaker 1: the last couple of years, that's been part of the
Speaker 1: most daunting part of the mornings because they're young, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like, if we had four kids
Speaker 1: Jackson's age, we probably would just be like, see y'all
Speaker 1: on the weekend, see y'all when y'all get home. But
Speaker 1: I honestly feel like when Cairo and Kaz get to
Speaker 1: second and third grade, they'll be able to move on
Speaker 1: their own.
Speaker 3: I do feel like that.
Speaker 1: I feel like you'll wake up, you'll see them off,
Speaker 1: but you won't have to spend two hours getting up
Speaker 1: doing all this, you know, because typically you're all six
Speaker 1: and then by the time Jackson lee just eight fifteen,
Speaker 1: that's two hours. I feel like by the time they
Speaker 1: get to that grade, you'll just be up, Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: mommy loves you, boom boom boom, go back to sleep, yeah,
Speaker 1: and we'll just have to take the coda to daycare. No.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, it's gonna be that for sure. Like in the morning,
Speaker 2: it's like you'll be asleep. I like, you know, for
Speaker 2: the past two weeks, I've been getting the boys ready.
Speaker 2: When it comes to Jackson, he sets his alarm, he
Speaker 2: comes downstairs. What's up, Mom, Hey, what's up? What's you
Speaker 2: one for? Breakfast? Wiffles?
Speaker 1: Cool?
Speaker 2: Throw him in the toaster. I lay on the couch
Speaker 2: and literally just wait to see him out the door,
Speaker 2: you know, because he's doing everything for himself at this point.
Speaker 1: So and I just I really just want to point
Speaker 1: it out because the biggest challenge parents have had is
Speaker 1: waking kids up for school and getting them ready, and
Speaker 1: then checking homework at night, and for me to work, yes,
Speaker 1: because you have to go to work, but then you're
Speaker 1: also in school when your children in school. One thing
Speaker 1: I will say is by creating this independent culture with
Speaker 1: our children, I never felt like I was in school
Speaker 1: with Jackson. Like we we allowed Jackson to you know,
Speaker 1: we got him tutors. You know, he does all this
Speaker 1: practice on his own, but we got him yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we got him a phone when he turned ten, so
Speaker 1: that he can send his alarm, so that he can
Speaker 1: make his schedule with his tutors and his coaches. And
Speaker 1: now it's to the point two years into having this phone.
Speaker 1: People so many parents get nervous about giving their kids
Speaker 1: phone because they're worried about what they can do on
Speaker 1: social media. But Jackson is so organized and he's like, Dad,
Speaker 1: I have my calendar. Yeah, I know, I have all
Speaker 1: my contacts. And I tell him, are you gonna be
Speaker 1: late for practice for whatever reason? Yeah, let me call
Speaker 1: my coach. It's like we've created small adults. And this
Speaker 1: is just my message for parents, just my take on it.
Speaker 1: I know you want to be involved, but if you
Speaker 1: can create a culture of independence with your children their
Speaker 1: school year, don't have to become another list on your
Speaker 1: task of things. Now you can go out and do
Speaker 1: what you need to do to provide them with the
Speaker 1: ability to do that, as opposed to I spend three
Speaker 1: hours in the morning with these kids, then I spend
Speaker 1: two hours at home with them doing homework at night,
Speaker 1: and I'm upset and I'm tired, and I don't have
Speaker 1: time for myself. Typically it's because parents don't create independence,
Speaker 1: and they feel like they have to do everything right.
Speaker 2: They have to do it because my mom as she's
Speaker 2: super helpful in the morning, especially those two years where
Speaker 2: I was pregnant and then recovering after having Coda and
Speaker 2: I was with him most of the time and up
Speaker 2: late at night. She's been up in the morning getting
Speaker 2: them ready for school, but she sometimes I can hear
Speaker 2: her getting frustrated and Jackson, aren't you gonna be late?
Speaker 2: One morning I had to say to her mom, if
Speaker 2: he misses the bus, he misses the bus, and then
Speaker 2: he's gonna have to figure out how he's getting to school,
Speaker 2: and then he's gonna be late. And then whose fault
Speaker 2: is that his likes don't be down his back about it?
Speaker 2: Let him rock.
Speaker 1: See that's I'm glad you said that a lot of
Speaker 1: parents won't understand that allowing children to face consequences when
Speaker 1: the stakes aren't high is how they learn responsibility. Let
Speaker 1: him be late to middle school and have to figure
Speaker 1: out and then come in here and wake his dad
Speaker 1: up because he missed the bus, and then now he.
Speaker 3: Has to deal with a frustration.
Speaker 1: Let him feel what that feels like, so that he'd
Speaker 1: be like, you know what, I'm gonna just make sure
Speaker 1: I get up fifteen minutes earlier.
Speaker 2: You know her exact example. Jackson just got contacts new
Speaker 2: to contacts literally a couple days before school started, not
Speaker 2: even or the first week of school, because he needed
Speaker 2: the contacts to wear for football. His goggles for basketball
Speaker 2: can't fit under his helmet. So I say to Jackson,
Speaker 2: these contacts are still new. There's a learning curve with them.
Speaker 2: You may feel a little discomfort, one might fall out.
Speaker 2: You just never know. And you and I are not
Speaker 2: contact or glasses wearers, so we're trying to educate ourselves
Speaker 2: on it about it. So they recommend it at the
Speaker 2: eye doctor that he put the contacts in the morning,
Speaker 2: but take your glasses as back up just in case
Speaker 2: something goes wrong throughout the day. You're not stuck Jackson.
Speaker 2: Since they mentioned that, do you have your backup glasses
Speaker 2: in your backpack? Yeah? Mama have me. Yeah, well, you
Speaker 2: have about two or three pairs of glasses you've been wearing.
Speaker 2: How about you just keep one in your locker at
Speaker 2: school as like your school glasses, they never come home.
Speaker 2: And then you have your home glasses that you can
Speaker 2: wear when you don't have your contacts in. Yeah, I know,
Speaker 2: my I got them. I already did that.
Speaker 1: I got that.
Speaker 2: Okay, Yeah, Jackson, do you have your backpack glasses? And
Speaker 2: only for the first couple of days, I reminded him,
Speaker 2: because again the contact thing is now right, But he
Speaker 2: gets very annoyed when I ask him because he feels
Speaker 2: like I'm just being mom. Jackson goes to school first period, Mom,
Speaker 2: I right, eye contact doesn't feel good. Okay, so what
Speaker 2: are you gonna do? I'm gonna take them out because
Speaker 2: he's texting me this. I said, yeah, take him out
Speaker 2: if you feel uncomfortable, and just take them out. Put
Speaker 2: your glasses on. I see the little bubbles pop up,
Speaker 2: then the bubbles go away. The bubbles pop up, and
Speaker 2: then the bubbles go away. And I said to myself,
Speaker 2: this negro. Don't got his glasses. So said, so done.
Speaker 2: The text message comes through, Mom, I know I have
Speaker 2: to be more responsible, but I left my glasses at home.
Speaker 2: I've been saying every morning. So now now you're gonna
Speaker 2: have to get through the day with no glasses, right,
Speaker 2: So now you're gonna have to feel what that feels like.
Speaker 2: And he already knew like at that point, I didn't
Speaker 2: have to lecture, I didn't have to scream, I didn't
Speaker 2: have to go back and forth when he came home
Speaker 2: from school. I didn't even make it a thing, because
Speaker 2: then you had to feel what it was like for a
Speaker 2: mom to be right and be what it was like
Speaker 2: to not have your glasses for the day. That's how
Speaker 2: things work out. Now, Luckily Papa Scoop was in town
Speaker 2: and Papa Scoop took his glasses back to him because
Speaker 2: that's what grandparents do.
Speaker 1: No, that's because you text Pa Scoop can you bring
Speaker 1: him back to ask Papa school?
Speaker 2: And if Papa Scoop said no, hey, it was gonna
Speaker 2: be no.
Speaker 1: You know what Daddy would have said if he had
Speaker 1: text Dad tough luck, kid, I'm not even giving you
Speaker 1: gotta figure out that's and that's just my point is
Speaker 1: like moms tend to try to solve the problem for them,
Speaker 1: especially your sons, because your mom solves all of your
Speaker 1: brother's problems, but will let you and your sister drown.
Speaker 1: And I guess that's just moms and their sons. And
Speaker 1: just like me, like, if it was my daughter, I'd
Speaker 1: probably run to the school and take her to my
Speaker 1: daughter in a heartbeat. But because it's my son, he
Speaker 1: has to learn. You know what I'm saying, And I'll
Speaker 1: be I'll be honest with that. If I had a daughter,
Speaker 1: i'd probably be a sap. I'm not even gonna lie
Speaker 1: be like I would probably do you probably hate me
Speaker 1: because I probably do more for her than I do
Speaker 1: for you, because I'm a sap when it comes to
Speaker 1: you and you're not my daughter.
Speaker 3: My wife.
Speaker 2: Period. That's how we don't have no daughters because give
Speaker 2: it all to me.
Speaker 1: But my thing is those moments of consequences is what
Speaker 1: they remember when when mom saves them or dad saves them.
Speaker 1: They now feel like, no matter what I go through,
Speaker 1: my mom and dad will save me. And the sad
Speaker 1: truth is mom and dad can't always save you. So
Speaker 1: I'd rather you develop a skill of learning how to
Speaker 1: save yourself.
Speaker 3: Probably that's isn't that the biggest thing? Being solution oriented?
Speaker 2: That's the big thing in this house here.
Speaker 3: I tell Jax all the time, what are you going
Speaker 3: to do?
Speaker 2: What's going wrong? We now fix it?
Speaker 1: And that's what we try to tell That's what we're
Speaker 1: trying to tell parents now is be solution oriented with
Speaker 1: your children when they're going through issues at school. Don't
Speaker 1: always be the one that got to go save them.
Speaker 1: Ask them what the problem is and say, well, what's
Speaker 1: your plan.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 1: We'll come up with a plan. I don't know how
Speaker 1: to come up with a plan. Well, let's discuss some
Speaker 1: steps to come up with a plan. But I'm not
Speaker 1: going to come up to the plan with you because
Speaker 1: what if I wasn't here, What would if I was
Speaker 1: off somewhere filming, What if your mom was hosting something and.
Speaker 3: You had to figure it out?
Speaker 2: You had to figure it out, And a lot of times, yeah,
Speaker 2: it becomes that because even on the run of show today,
Speaker 2: Triple asked, like, what are some resources that we take
Speaker 2: advantage of to help fill in the gaps and things
Speaker 2: that we may still need, Like the gaps are when
Speaker 2: Daval and I are both traveling for work and you know,
Speaker 2: we may have to rely on, you know, our village,
Speaker 2: which is extended from Mimi and Papa who lived with
Speaker 2: us full time. That's if Dad's father comes into town,
Speaker 2: or you know, we've made really good friends and got
Speaker 2: closely connected with some of Jackson's teammates, friends, parents, families,
Speaker 2: so we can lean on them for the support that
Speaker 2: we need every now and again. So sometimes relying on
Speaker 2: the village is very important. Yeah, because I know you
Speaker 2: two feel like, you know, even though your mom and
Speaker 2: dad did the best that they could with trying to
Speaker 2: make sure that you guys had everything, you needed to
Speaker 2: be set up for success when it got to school.
Speaker 2: You at eight years old, was having to walk your
Speaker 2: brother in the school and got lost. You remember that
Speaker 2: time you said you got lost first day of school
Speaker 2: walking to school, and you know at that age you
Speaker 2: had to do what you had to do right.
Speaker 3: I had to be solution oriented.
Speaker 1: I had to look at these street signs and had
Speaker 1: to I remember this is the first time we moved
Speaker 1: to Canarsie.
Speaker 3: We moved there in January.
Speaker 1: They didn't let us walk around often, but I remember
Speaker 1: driving home and my father pointing out stuff.
Speaker 3: You notice that it's numbers and it's letters to our house.
Speaker 1: The numbers go up this way till you get to
Speaker 1: one oh eight, and they go down all the way
Speaker 1: till you get to ninety eighth Street, and then it's rockaway.
Speaker 1: The letters go from Avenue J. It's Flatlands Avenue J
Speaker 1: all the way to Avenue and and then receive you.
Speaker 1: My father went over those things with me when driving,
Speaker 1: so that when I got lost, I remember getting the
Speaker 1: flat lands. I remember saying, so if I walked this direction,
Speaker 1: I got to see J. So we walked up the
Speaker 1: wrong direction to flat lands first, and I was just
Speaker 1: like Glenn Wood.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying. I was like, no, it's
Speaker 3: the wrong way.
Speaker 2: Oh this is a big street street, this is it.
Speaker 1: So then I went right back to Flatlands and then
Speaker 1: I walked the other direction. I said, okay, Avenue J.
Speaker 1: So I'm walking in the right direction because I'm like
Speaker 1: j k L. Then when I got to Jay, I
Speaker 1: was like, all right, I'm not going to give them
Speaker 1: the other whole address. But I started looking and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: so this is where the numbers are. But it was
Speaker 1: my father being solution oriented and be like, you know,
Speaker 1: it's going to be an opportunity where you may not
Speaker 1: be here, and I'm going to be like, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: But then when it happens, When it happens, I knew
Speaker 1: what to recall and I knew what to say, Oh,
Speaker 1: this is what my father said. And I just want
Speaker 1: to implore parents to do the same thing with their children.
Speaker 1: Here's a big thing. Do it through the summertime. Don't
Speaker 1: expect it to start. One thing I say about Kadeen.
Speaker 1: Kadeen has been on these kids about reading, doing their
Speaker 1: ABC mouse doing. They have tutors year round. Roger does
Speaker 1: their math tutoring, year round. This way, they're always in
Speaker 1: a position of learning, so that when it's time they
Speaker 1: go back to school, they're not they don't have fatigue
Speaker 1: from city in the classroom because they've had an hour
Speaker 1: or an hour and a half every day in the
Speaker 1: summertime where you had to sit still and focus on
Speaker 1: whatever it is we need you to focus on in
Speaker 1: this time.
Speaker 2: It's called the summer slide. There's a name for it,
Speaker 2: where children pretty much in the summer slide and they
Speaker 2: lose the concept of structure, they lose some things academically,
Speaker 2: and it's having to kind of re learn and reteach
Speaker 2: and go over. It's like having to watch the episode
Speaker 2: or something because the season come back. Yeah, watch the recap.
Speaker 3: Wasn't that an American thing?
Speaker 1: Because it was a comparison as compared to other cultures
Speaker 1: that go to school year round, and they were saying
Speaker 1: that America is one of the few countries that take
Speaker 1: a full two month break or two and a half
Speaker 1: month break. It's ten week break. I think, right, O,
Speaker 1: is it? I think so there was. You said it's
Speaker 1: called the summer slide, but I remember that.
Speaker 2: I don't know if it was specific to America. I'm
Speaker 2: not sure about that.
Speaker 1: I remember there was a study and they were talking
Speaker 1: about shortening the actual school week and not doing five
Speaker 1: and doing a four day school week, but then sending
Speaker 1: to kids, sending kids to school year around this way,
Speaker 1: they didn't deal with the summer slides. But now they
Speaker 1: have three days off, gotcha every every week and then sometimes.
Speaker 2: Years only or the school week is only like a
Speaker 2: Monday to Thursday, right, it would.
Speaker 3: Be around Yeah, be Monday to Thursday year round.
Speaker 2: But would they still have like breaks.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they would still have summer break breaks.
Speaker 3: Yeah, they would have They would.
Speaker 1: Have some break, they would have winter break, they would
Speaker 1: have a Christmas holiday.
Speaker 3: Winter break is February.
Speaker 1: Yeah, then you have the So they were talking about
Speaker 1: two year breaks within the spring break, two year breaks
Speaker 1: about the year.
Speaker 3: But they go to school year round.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, our kids realistically go to school year around
Speaker 1: the fact that they have tutoring and ABC mouse and me,
Speaker 1: me surry.
Speaker 2: How structure Jackson is. Even while we were in the Bahamas,
Speaker 2: he was like, I still got Roger homework to do.
Speaker 3: We were in a different country.
Speaker 2: I was like, tell Roger that you you got the
Speaker 2: week off because you're on vacation. And he was just like,
Speaker 2: I got to make up my sessions and you can
Speaker 2: take the week off from Roger. And he was just like,
Speaker 2: I gotta make up, Like no, I have stuff to do.
Speaker 2: So in Mexico they were playing with their cousins and everything.
Speaker 2: But best believe, when they woke up in the morning
Speaker 2: before we went to breakfast, Cairo did his little twenty
Speaker 2: minutes homework. And I love them for that because again,
Speaker 2: it just shows that outside of us controlling what that
Speaker 2: looks like for them, they are taking it upon themselves
Speaker 2: to have the relationship with their coaches and their mentors
Speaker 2: and their teachers, and they're holding each other accountable. And
Speaker 2: Jackson is setting things up for Cairo so Cairo can
Speaker 2: do that and the same thing will happen as in Dakota.
Speaker 1: And that's one thing too. I will say we have
Speaker 1: developed our own style of learning with the kids. We
Speaker 1: didn't We don't pay for private schooling. What we do
Speaker 1: is we supplement their education with tutors and with for example,
Speaker 1: like I ready or when you got the coding classes
Speaker 1: for Jackson. We supplement their education with our own forms
Speaker 1: of education that go year round.
Speaker 2: I also work very closely with their teachers.
Speaker 3: Yes.
Speaker 2: So Cairo's teacher last year, for example, recommended that he
Speaker 2: tests for the TAG program. Same thing with Jackson, on
Speaker 2: top of them about what the school year is going
Speaker 2: to look like moving forward. So Cairo, for example, we
Speaker 2: knew that was far ahead in kindergarten, but because if
Speaker 2: his age had to get registered into kindergarten, so his
Speaker 2: teacher said, I'm going to recommend that when he goes
Speaker 2: into the first grade, he may be doing second or
Speaker 2: third grade level work and they work with them independently
Speaker 2: so that where they're not bored. Because I think a
Speaker 2: part of that for Cairo was just knowing like I
Speaker 2: know all this stuff already, like I know it, And
Speaker 2: the minute kids get to a space where they're bored,
Speaker 2: then they disruptively disruptive. And you never want your child
Speaker 2: to be labeled as that. You always want to keep
Speaker 2: them challenged and engaged, and the best way to do
Speaker 2: that is to make sure you have a close relationship
Speaker 2: with the parent and teacher, so that way we know
Speaker 2: that we're working in partnership with each other to make
Speaker 2: sure that the kid has the best experience.
Speaker 1: And it sounds it sounds like a lot, but it's
Speaker 1: not a lot. It's as simple as we get emails
Speaker 1: from teachers every day. Everything is very electronic now and virtual,
Speaker 1: so we get emails. We respond to the emails, you know,
Speaker 1: when we get an email on a Monday of what's
Speaker 1: going on. When Kadeen checks all of the progress on
Speaker 1: she checks every week and she responds with what's needed.
Speaker 1: She asks questions and we go over it with you.
Speaker 1: You volunteer the classes and because you can. You know,
Speaker 1: we don't have traditional jobs, so everybody can't get there.
Speaker 1: But one thing you can do is keep track of
Speaker 1: everything electronically.
Speaker 2: Oh for sure. And this email the last time I.
Speaker 1: Know we have to pay bills. Don't be afraid. Just
Speaker 1: listen to what I'm saying. Don't be afraid while the
Speaker 1: steaks are low. To let your child struggle at something
Speaker 1: and let them figure out how to become better at it.
Speaker 1: We as parents tend to do this. Child has a project.
Speaker 1: The child's project then becomes who the project our project.
Speaker 1: Then we end up sending back one hundred and fifty
Speaker 1: page dissertation on snowmen because now we're doing our children's
Speaker 1: Christmas project.
Speaker 2: Melancholy?
Speaker 1: What show is that?
Speaker 3: From the Cosby Show? The Cosby Show.
Speaker 1: But seriously, if your kid or your child is struggling
Speaker 1: at something, be in constant communication with the teacher. Ask
Speaker 1: the teacher how they can help. But let the child
Speaker 1: go through these things when the stakes are low. Okay,
Speaker 1: you got an eighty five in math in third grade,
Speaker 1: it's not the end of the world. But now you
Speaker 1: know you have to work on what they're working in
Speaker 1: third grade. You will have to work on fractions. The
Speaker 1: only way they know that is if you let them
Speaker 1: fail a little bit. You got an eighty five, you
Speaker 1: could have got one hundred, but you messed up on
Speaker 1: the fractions. If you correct all their stuff, and now
Speaker 1: they're getting hundreds all the time because mom and dad
Speaker 1: is doing the work, they'll feel like they got it.
Speaker 1: And then when they get to a place where you
Speaker 1: can't help them, which is that common core math, Because
Speaker 1: if you was born in the eighties like me, that
Speaker 1: common core math gonna fuck your ass up.
Speaker 2: Try and comming about it, try and do that coming
Speaker 2: about it. You want to say common sense, everybody don't
Speaker 2: have that, Well, it's common core. Everybody don't have that
Speaker 2: gene and I don't.
Speaker 1: Ain't nothing worse than looking at your child test scores
Speaker 1: be terrible, knowing that you did their homework.
Speaker 3: But ain't nothing.
Speaker 2: Worse than looking at that and be like, so you imagine.
Speaker 3: So what we got a sixty? Because what we we
Speaker 3: got a six? With the collective let me call your teacher.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I did that with Jackson this past year
Speaker 2: in sixth grade. I knew there was going to be
Speaker 2: a transition into middle school. I was trying to take
Speaker 2: the approach of saying, Okay, Deval had all of the
Speaker 2: sports stuff, you know, under control, and I did the
Speaker 2: academics with Jackson. Jackson is like a naturally smart kid,
Speaker 2: so he will just listen in class and be able
Speaker 2: to kind of regurgitate that on a test without with
Speaker 2: minimal studying. Me trying to show him different study tactics
Speaker 2: and ways to kind of organize his books, his thoughts,
Speaker 2: making notes, Like everybody studies differently, everyone learns differently, so
Speaker 2: I was trying to give him different methods to help
Speaker 2: him study. I realized through the course of the year
Speaker 2: that Jackson was doing really well getting nineties and whatnot
Speaker 2: with doing maybe little to no studying. At the end
Speaker 2: of the school year, when he looked at all of
Speaker 2: his grades, still ninety plus average. He saw that there
Speaker 2: was so much room for improvement. Instead of getting a
Speaker 2: ninety two average, I could have gotten a ninety seven
Speaker 2: or ninety eight if I had just taken a couple
Speaker 2: a couple, you know, minutes at night to go over
Speaker 2: something the night before. I let him do that, because again,
Speaker 2: the stakes are low. He's still trying to learn and
Speaker 2: adjust the middle school and figure things out. So then
Speaker 2: now in seventh grade, he came to me and said, Yo, Mom,
Speaker 2: I'm really trying to be valedictorian in my class. What
Speaker 2: I gotta do? I said, all right, if you down,
Speaker 2: I'm down. So I'm going to show you how you
Speaker 2: know studying can take place and what you can do
Speaker 2: to make that happen. But it's again putting the ball
Speaker 2: in their court when the stakes are low, and just
Speaker 2: being there to support them through the school process. All right,
Speaker 2: let's recoup some of that money that we spent on
Speaker 2: school supplies.
Speaker 1: You spill school supplies that's come from your part, because
Speaker 1: it ain't no way I'm buying six blocks of crayons
Speaker 1: that have to paint all these things, and then trying to.
Speaker 3: Speak to administrator, and then trying to.
Speaker 2: Figure out if you should have seen me. It was
Speaker 2: like one list here, one listen, there's three different lists.
Speaker 2: I'm trying to shop in one car divide and you
Speaker 2: know it was amazing.
Speaker 1: But I lo key love that.
Speaker 2: That was kind of like excited. All right, we'll be back, y'all.
Speaker 2: All right, we're back.
Speaker 3: Let's get money.
Speaker 2: Kadeen and Devel letter times. All right, you got it.
Speaker 2: Hey there, Kadeen in de Val. I love you guys
Speaker 2: so much. Been following you since Jackson was on the
Speaker 2: Cheerios commercial. Oh my goodness. We were just talking about
Speaker 2: that and when Kadeen had that fresh pixie cut, Yes, me, handy,
Speaker 2: it was giving Henny. Okay, I'm thinking I might go
Speaker 2: back to that in like my sixties. We'll see where
Speaker 2: I am at that point. I might be going ball
Speaker 2: by then. You know, I'm not gonna claim that. I
Speaker 2: am not going to manifest that because it runs in
Speaker 2: my family.
Speaker 3: You will look good, though, Okay, I don't.
Speaker 2: So back to the question, Kadeen, your body goals, Thank you.
Speaker 2: I just feel like I'm just in the space of
Speaker 2: trying to get myself back together. My edges are coming
Speaker 2: back in. I've been drinking my water, minding my business
Speaker 2: and working out. So I appreciate you. Thank you for
Speaker 2: acknowledging that like you, like you are inspiring me to
Speaker 2: unbig my back moment this summer. Yeah, that's been like
Speaker 2: the thing this summer, like trying to unbig your back.
Speaker 2: So I get it. I'm in support. I'm in support
Speaker 2: of you. So I wanted to know how you guys
Speaker 2: handle your friendships. I know you've probably had the same
Speaker 2: group of people around for years, but now that life
Speaker 2: has changed with more success, what does loyalty look like
Speaker 2: to you? Is it's still easy to trust people. I'm
Speaker 2: currently dealing with a friendship breakup and it's so hurtful.
Speaker 2: I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore, and that
Speaker 2: loyalty is just a myth nowadays. And it's one of
Speaker 2: your advice on how to deal with friendship breakups and
Speaker 2: how you've overcome them. I hope to hear back from
Speaker 2: y'all soon. Love you, Oh man, We've all dealt with
Speaker 2: some sort of friend that seems to outgrow you. I
Speaker 2: think some friends are as cliche as it sounds. Some
Speaker 2: there for reasons and for seasons. And yes, I have
Speaker 2: had my close group of friends for a very long time.
Speaker 2: And then there are some people who I've met later
Speaker 2: on in life who have shown themselves to be very
Speaker 2: authentic good people. And my friends laugh, My solid group
Speaker 2: of friends who I've had for like, you know, one
Speaker 2: or two decades, will laugh and be like, hey, I
Speaker 2: didn't go with a new friend, like just now, I
Speaker 2: think Tiffany and Christina were laughing, like who's cold? Is Godmother?
Speaker 2: Who is she? Again? Like what y'all got a new friend?
Speaker 2: And they'll joke on me about it. It is because I
Speaker 2: tend to you know, we're social people. We do make friends.
Speaker 2: But I think that God also gave me discernment to
Speaker 2: kind of see people for who they are, and I
Speaker 2: always pray for that, especially as things in our life
Speaker 2: begin to change even more. But I do have a
Speaker 2: friend that kind of things went awry, And I say
Speaker 2: awry because maybe a rie isn't the right word. But
Speaker 2: I was very confused as to why she was starting
Speaker 2: to pull away from me as a friend. And this
Speaker 2: was when Cairo was a new born, and I kind
Speaker 2: of took it upon myself to just well a I
Speaker 2: thought it was something that I had done, so I
Speaker 2: reached out when I noticed that the conversation was becoming
Speaker 2: that much more or less frequent. There were excuses that
Speaker 2: were coming up when time came to hang out. And
Speaker 2: I mean, this is somebody who I hung out with
Speaker 2: all the time, like Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So we had
Speaker 2: a rotation every week, particularly through college years and after.
Speaker 2: So when Skyro came along, I was kind of like, man,
Speaker 2: I don't see her as much anymore, but I know
Speaker 2: that she was on a journey religiously, and I said, Hey,
Speaker 2: if it means that we can't hang out in the
Speaker 2: places that we used to hang out before, or partake
Speaker 2: in the things that we used to partake, and you
Speaker 2: can't drink anymore, I'm in full support of your spiritual journey.
Speaker 2: I just want to know what it is so I
Speaker 2: can alter that. So if we can't go to the
Speaker 2: club or the lounge, you can come to my house
Speaker 2: and we can order take out and we can sit
Speaker 2: and we can drink water. Like it didn't matter to
Speaker 2: me because the friendship mattered more. And then I realized
Speaker 2: that she was still kind of not opening up to
Speaker 2: what the problem was, and instead of me internalizing it,
Speaker 2: I kind of reached out to some of her immediate
Speaker 2: closer family and friends and to kind of see like, hey,
Speaker 2: have you noticed the change in her? And they all
Speaker 2: kind of notice the change, and they said, hey, it's
Speaker 2: not you. She's just on a journey by herself and
Speaker 2: the most we can do is love her from afar
Speaker 2: and if she comes around, she comes around. But it
Speaker 2: did give me some relief. I did mourn that friendship
Speaker 2: to an extent because she was somebody who I loved darely.
Speaker 2: She was a very good friend of mine, you know,
Speaker 2: in my wedding, Like there were so many things that
Speaker 2: we shared together, so many moments since we were kids,
Speaker 2: and it just kind of ended abruptly with no explanation,
Speaker 2: and part of me felt like, did she even really
Speaker 2: owe me an explanation? Or should I have just taken
Speaker 2: the signs and just moved on. So it took me
Speaker 2: a while to kind of get around that, but it
Speaker 2: gave me some relief and solace to know that it
Speaker 2: wasn't just me. So that was like my little friendship breakup.
Speaker 2: So I say that to say that with time things
Speaker 2: can get better, and if someone rids themselves from your life,
Speaker 2: sometimes I don't even question it. And maybe for the better.
Speaker 1: As I got older, I started to realize that no
Speaker 1: one owes you anything. And when people say self like,
Speaker 1: who can I trust, that's on you to decide. And
Speaker 1: I think it's our ego and our self centeredness to
Speaker 1: feel like everybody around us has to earn our trust.
Speaker 3: No, they don't.
Speaker 1: The people around you just got to live their life
Speaker 1: and you decide if you want to trust that person.
Speaker 1: For example, I have friends that I put in categories.
Speaker 1: There are some friends that I know. These are the
Speaker 1: people I hang out with just because I know that
Speaker 1: we got good vibes. I don't got to worry about
Speaker 1: no bullshit. This is what we do. We hang out.
Speaker 1: I have friends that all we do is discuss business. Right,
Speaker 1: if I need to borrow money, I know who I
Speaker 1: can I can get it from because I'll give it
Speaker 1: back to them. If they need to borrow money, I'm
Speaker 1: open to be like, of course, because I know they
Speaker 1: get it back to me.
Speaker 3: I have some friends who are just my confidence. We talk.
Speaker 1: All we do is talk on the phone. You know
Speaker 1: what happens with people is they feel like, if you're
Speaker 1: my friend, you have to fit in all the categories
Speaker 1: that I have For all of these people, and if
Speaker 1: those people aren't good in every single category, then you
Speaker 1: shun them and be like, oh, I can't trust you
Speaker 1: because we hung out, but then I ask you to
Speaker 1: borrow money and you wouldn't let me the money. That
Speaker 1: person is not the money person or the money person,
Speaker 1: and that person is going to hang out with other
Speaker 1: people and they didn't invite you, or we're not really friends.
Speaker 1: We don't have that type of friendship where we hang
Speaker 1: out together. The truth of the matter is is that
Speaker 1: your life. Your life is your life. Everybody around you
Speaker 1: does not revolve around you. You make a choice as
Speaker 1: a person if you're going to trust this person in
Speaker 1: what capacity you're gonna trust that person, and then you
Speaker 1: let that person work out of that trust if they
Speaker 1: do something. But this whole idea of loyalty means nothing
Speaker 1: anymore to people. Is a reality check for people, because
Speaker 1: loyalty is really People are as loyal as their options, right,
Speaker 1: and they're also as loyal as what you can offer them, right.
Speaker 3: Because let's be honest about friendships.
Speaker 1: Friendships are only friendships because you offer me something and
Speaker 1: I offer you something. If I no longer offer you anything,
Speaker 1: I'm no longer useful to you. Are we going to
Speaker 1: be friends?
Speaker 3: Really? Probably not.
Speaker 1: If you don't offer for me anything in the friendship,
Speaker 1: whether it's companionship, money, advice, sex, whatever it is. If
Speaker 1: you don't offer me what it is that I'm looking
Speaker 1: for in the friendship, the friendship dissolves. It's as clear
Speaker 1: as that. People want to make it more than what
Speaker 1: it is, but it's not. There are no obligations to friendships.
Speaker 1: We're not blood relatives.
Speaker 2: I can see that you know what I'm saying, and
Speaker 2: that's why sometimes some friendships mean that much more than family,
Speaker 2: familiar relationship. Made a choice choice to be that friendship
Speaker 2: and to be in that relationship.
Speaker 1: What you can't do is you can't create guidelines to
Speaker 1: all of your friendships and all the guidelines be exactly
Speaker 1: the same. That's true because friends have different purposes.
Speaker 2: And as you grow in life, like you have groups
Speaker 2: of friends, and I have friends who in that season
Speaker 2: it worked because we were doing the same things. And
Speaker 2: then as you begin to change mindsets and go this
Speaker 2: way and they stayed here or they decided to go
Speaker 2: elsewhere elsewhere, you no longer have things in common. So
Speaker 2: those commonalities that you want share, you don't right, and
Speaker 2: you may have to, like I said, more in the
Speaker 2: idea of like, I don't really want to hang out
Speaker 2: with this person anymore because we don't have similar interests anymore.
Speaker 2: And then you send to gravitate towards people who do.
Speaker 2: And that's okay too, that's okay too. I think the
Speaker 2: beauty in it is when you do have someone who
Speaker 2: can grow with you through phases of life. Absolutely, you know,
Speaker 2: I have a couple of friends now who are my
Speaker 2: closest friends. And I can pick up the phone and
Speaker 2: talk to you today and not talk to you for
Speaker 2: six months. You can text me today and I not
Speaker 2: text you back till four weeks later, and there's no
Speaker 2: love loss.
Speaker 3: What is loyalty to you in a friendship?
Speaker 1: Though?
Speaker 2: I think loyalty to me in a friendship looks like
Speaker 2: in the moments that I maybe need you the most,
Speaker 2: you're accessible or you'll try to make yourself accessible.
Speaker 1: So the reason why I ask that is because you
Speaker 1: see how self centered that definition can be for people,
Speaker 1: because you said, in the moments you need me the most.
Speaker 1: What if I'm going through something then I can't be there,
Speaker 1: you can't be there. A lot of people show that
Speaker 1: as a see that as a sign of disloyalty when
Speaker 1: it's like, damn, I have to be there for you,
Speaker 1: saying you in particular. But how we view friendship right,
Speaker 1: the only way we can be friends is if I'm
Speaker 1: near for you when you need me the most. You're
Speaker 1: not even thinking about what I need.
Speaker 2: I don't think I don't think about people.
Speaker 3: I'm talking about you.
Speaker 1: About people's definition loyalty and friendship, it always based on
Speaker 1: what they need.
Speaker 3: Think about how you just described it.
Speaker 1: At no point in the description did you say that's
Speaker 1: some person that I'm willing to be for.
Speaker 3: No matter what. Immediately your definition went to what you need.
Speaker 2: Well, I think it's for me at least it's understood
Speaker 2: that it's reciprocated, because, like I said, but that's not me.
Speaker 2: It's understood its reciprocated.
Speaker 1: But that's my point is that when we decide what
Speaker 1: we want to make friendship look like, it's supposed to
Speaker 1: be understood that it's reciprocated.
Speaker 3: But I'm going to tell you that you got to
Speaker 3: be there for what I need.
Speaker 1: That's very self centered and we all as humans have
Speaker 1: that same definition for sure what friendship is, Like I
Speaker 1: just asked you so that we can put it out
Speaker 1: there so we can see it. But we all say
Speaker 1: that that's my friend because when I need them the
Speaker 1: most day, there no one ever says that's my friend
Speaker 1: because if he ever need anything, I got him.
Speaker 2: I said. For me, it's understood, you.
Speaker 1: Know, But for some people it's not because when you
Speaker 1: say that and then that person can't be there for
Speaker 1: you in that moment, maybe because they're going through something.
Speaker 3: The first that we do.
Speaker 1: Is like, man, you ain't internalize that you're not loyal.
Speaker 1: And that's when she asked about what loyalty is in friendships.
Speaker 1: I think we all these people need to start thinking.
Speaker 1: Am I a loyal friend to demand loyalty from somebody?
Speaker 3: Because I know firsthand.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you right now, the people I'm loyal
Speaker 1: to first is my wife, then my kids.
Speaker 3: That's that's first.
Speaker 1: If my brother may need something and I can't be
Speaker 1: there because I'm doing something for my wife and my kids,
Speaker 1: I have to choose them. If my brother takes that
Speaker 1: same reposal, my brother couldn't be there for me he
Speaker 1: not loyal, then we wouldn't.
Speaker 3: Be close no more.
Speaker 1: But my brother, like you, is very big on reciprocation.
Speaker 1: He'll tell me, like, yo, if you got something for
Speaker 1: the kids, right, because he's like and he wants to
Speaker 1: be there for me. But I think more people just
Speaker 1: need to think about how we can be there for
Speaker 1: our friends as opposed to our friends being there for
Speaker 1: us to show their loyalty. That's just something I get.
Speaker 2: It totally makes a whole lot of sense. I hope
Speaker 2: that helped your syst In a very very very roundabout way,
Speaker 2: we got to answer the question. But that's just what
Speaker 2: we've dealt with personally in these friendships. So much love
Speaker 2: to you.
Speaker 1: Hey, guys, I would love to stay anonymous, no problem.
Speaker 1: I really enjoyed this podcast, definitely one of my favorites.
Speaker 1: You guys are a blessing. You are a blessing too.
Speaker 1: I've currently been dating my boyfriend for over a year.
Speaker 1: Our relationship started while a devastating death in the family
Speaker 1: had occurred. Although it was a highly stressful and depressive time,
Speaker 1: he made me feel seen, cared for, and appreciated. He
Speaker 1: was among great friends and family that helped me out
Speaker 1: of darkness. He is an immigrant and born outside of
Speaker 1: the US. We do share similarities and lives, but there
Speaker 1: are some things that we clash Culturally. He has put
Speaker 1: effort into seeing and spending time, but over time I've
Speaker 1: realized he doesn't enjoy going out as much as I do.
Speaker 1: I always initiate going out on dates, couple activities, and
Speaker 1: family functions. It's like pulling teeth while asking him to attend.
Speaker 1: He does work a lot and is supporting his family
Speaker 1: back home. He doesn't hang out a lot with his
Speaker 1: family with his friends either. I feel stuck because I
Speaker 1: want to enjoy more things with him outside of the
Speaker 1: house and have more time. In general, I'm a person
Speaker 1: who thinks about how this relationship may unfold in the future,
Speaker 1: and I'm wondering if things will change. I value my
Speaker 1: significant other being around my friends and family more and
Speaker 1: putting in the effort to get to know them. He
Speaker 1: is also pretty quiet around them. I've also never met
Speaker 1: his family, which I can't because they aren't in the US.
Speaker 1: I've expressed these concerns and he says he's tired and
Speaker 1: has so much financial responsibilities, which I truly understand. When
Speaker 1: we do hang out one to two times a week
Speaker 1: is a good time and I feel like I'm with
Speaker 1: my best friend. He's kind attentive and has a sense
Speaker 1: of humor. Best of all, he cooks. He has a
Speaker 1: lot of good qualities. I'm worried if this is just
Speaker 1: who he is or his ideology is based upon his
Speaker 1: current job schedule which he wants to transition out of.
Speaker 1: I don't want to sabotage this relationship. Oh, I don't
Speaker 1: want to self sabotage this relationship. But I'm not in
Speaker 1: my early twenties anymore. The question is should I continue
Speaker 1: investing into this relationship.
Speaker 2: I mean, he seems like a really good guy, if
Speaker 2: he's so caring as to be, you know, taking. I
Speaker 2: think he has the classic story that most immigrant families do.
Speaker 2: And I know because both of my parents are, and
Speaker 2: being two of the older siblings and the family, my
Speaker 2: mom the oldest, my dad like the second or third oldest.
Speaker 2: I've seen what it's like to have to come across,
Speaker 2: so I've heard, at least because I wasn't born yet.
Speaker 2: But you come to America and then you work, and
Speaker 2: then you send back home, and it's for nothing more
Speaker 2: than just the responsibility and the care that you have
Speaker 2: for your family, and that level of I guess loyalty.
Speaker 2: As we've been talking about it that you have to
Speaker 2: the family. So I think that speaks to the kind
Speaker 2: of person he is and the heart that he has.
Speaker 2: But I can see where the con is for you
Speaker 2: as you're trying to build a relationship with him. I mean,
Speaker 2: what do you think, babe.
Speaker 1: I honestly feel like this reminds me of my mom
Speaker 1: and my dad because my pops is a big He
Speaker 1: likes to be inside. He likes to watch films and
Speaker 1: chill with his family and friends. He likes to have
Speaker 1: all his family around him, whereas my mom likes to
Speaker 1: be out.
Speaker 3: My mom likes to go on cruises, she likes to
Speaker 3: go to shows and stuff.
Speaker 1: I feel like it's just a different of a difference
Speaker 1: of love languages, right, and not so much love languages
Speaker 1: for each other, but love for life.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: You know your mom and your dad. Your dad likes
Speaker 1: to be at home with all his family and chill.
Speaker 1: Your dad wants to go see your mom wants to
Speaker 1: go see things and explore. I feel like you shouldn't
Speaker 1: have to sacrifice the things you love because of the
Speaker 1: person you love. I do feel like they have to
Speaker 1: have a conversation and talk about it, and hopefully she
Speaker 1: can help him be more comfortable going out. Do you
Speaker 1: have to think about this. He's an immigrant who's in
Speaker 1: a foreign country. A lot of times, when you're from
Speaker 1: a foreign country, the safest place you feel home, it's home. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know. And it's not like America is the most
Speaker 1: open place for immigrants, you know what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: he may feel comfortable home because he's not dealing with
Speaker 1: any of those issues or social issues that happen outside
Speaker 1: of his home. So maybe if she can find a
Speaker 1: way to make him feel more comfortable going out, oh,
Speaker 1: then he'll be more.
Speaker 3: Open to it.
Speaker 1: But also, and since she's the one writing in, just
Speaker 1: because he doesn't want to do those things doesn't mean
Speaker 1: you stop. My mom will still go to shows without
Speaker 1: my pops. She'll grab her group of friends and she'll
Speaker 1: go out. She'll go and do things.
Speaker 2: That's true. I was about to say, don't let that
Speaker 2: limit you and stop you from doing the things that
Speaker 2: you want to do. But I do get that she
Speaker 2: may want to experience these things with him, or maybe
Speaker 2: she's excited to show him the possibilities outside of home.
Speaker 1: But how about she do it the way you did
Speaker 1: it with Beyonce? Like, no point intended, But I could
Speaker 1: have cared less about going to see Beyonce, but you
Speaker 1: curated the experience in a way I could enjoy it
Speaker 1: so that we could enjoy it. Toggether, you see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. So maybe if she wants him to do
Speaker 1: do some things, curating experience so that he gets some
Speaker 1: things that he loves while doing what you like.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's the same thing with your pops and
Speaker 1: your mom. Your mom does not like to entertain a
Speaker 1: lot of people. Your father likes to go out in
Speaker 1: the street and entertain people and then have people over.
Speaker 1: You know, So what do you do? You curat an
Speaker 1: experience to where your dad is like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I like to be around people. Let's have people come
Speaker 1: over in our basement, so Searon, you could be upstairs
Speaker 1: chilling doing what you do. But I have my friends,
Speaker 1: so now you get both the best of both worlds.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: No, totally, I completely get that. I think that would
Speaker 2: be a great little starting point, at least, of course,
Speaker 2: wrapped in conversation, because we're all about the communication of things,
Speaker 2: and keep communicating with us, y'all, Because we'd love to
Speaker 2: feature you as a listener letter, So email us if
Speaker 2: you have something that you want us to give our
Speaker 2: little two cents on at dead ass Advice at gmail
Speaker 2: dot com.
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, moment of truth, we're talking back to school.
Speaker 2: I think my moment of truth for back to school is,
Speaker 2: though I struggle with the idea of my children being
Speaker 2: outside of the home, how I've contemplated ways to homeschool them,
Speaker 2: you know, not maybe not me, but having people do it,
Speaker 2: because I just want them in my care, in my bosom,
Speaker 2: in my line of sight the entire time, because that's
Speaker 2: just what moms do. They spend enough time there retired,
Speaker 2: it's all yours not don't worry. Yes, But as much
Speaker 2: as I want to do that, I know that I
Speaker 2: won't be able to raise independent young men who are
Speaker 2: proactive and problem solvers and just ready to do and
Speaker 2: equip to do things on their own if I'm always
Speaker 2: the one to be there to do it for them.
Speaker 2: So back to school school year starts. It's all about
Speaker 2: supporting them through and teaching them the routines and allowing
Speaker 2: them and allowing them and giving them the space to
Speaker 2: grow to be independent while knowing that Mom is here
Speaker 2: to support you through all the things.
Speaker 3: That's what's up. That's what's up. I feel the same thing.
Speaker 1: My moment of truth is this, create a culture of
Speaker 1: independence amongst your children early and often, so that as
Speaker 1: they grow through out life they can be in a
Speaker 1: place to solve problems and be solution oriented. On top
Speaker 1: of that, I will be remiss if I don't mention this.
Speaker 1: Bullying is a very serious thing that's happening amongst children
Speaker 1: in this day and age, especially virtually, because they have
Speaker 1: access to things that we didn't have as parents, that
Speaker 1: we don't understand. If you have children in between the
Speaker 1: ages of seven and eighteen, right, do phone checks? Do
Speaker 1: phone checks and make it And I don't care about
Speaker 1: your privacy. You don't pay the bill, okaya, I don't
Speaker 1: want to hear about it.
Speaker 3: Mom.
Speaker 1: I'm entitled and you ain't entitled to shit. Right, You're
Speaker 1: entitled to give me that goddamn phone. That's fact because
Speaker 1: a lot of the things that happen with bullying doesn't
Speaker 1: even happen physically or in public anymore. It's happening behind
Speaker 1: closed doors and people are losing their lives over it. Yes,
Speaker 1: so let's do all each other a favor as parents
Speaker 1: in a community of educators. Let's work on being parents
Speaker 1: in the home by checking our kids' phones, making sure
Speaker 1: they're being treated properly, and make sure they're treating other
Speaker 1: other people properly as well.
Speaker 2: And they make sure that the kids know that everybody's
Speaker 2: not going to be the same. So people are going
Speaker 2: to be different, and while they are different, they need
Speaker 2: to be respected and you need to leave people alone,
Speaker 2: treat them how you want to be treated, all right, y'all?
Speaker 2: Be sure to follow us on social media. We had
Speaker 2: all the socials, y'all. There's so many ways that you
Speaker 2: can keep in touch with us. Okay. Find us on
Speaker 2: Patreon for exclusive dead Ass cast content as well as
Speaker 2: more Ella's family content there because it's keeping it fun
Speaker 2: in the Patreon world, but also on social media, follow
Speaker 2: the podcast page dead Ass the podcast and I'm Kadeen.
Speaker 1: I am and I'm Devaoh i am devou And if
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to raise, review
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Speaker 1: Dead Ass is about to be lit for the next
Speaker 1: couple of years, store for y'all.
Speaker 2: Next couple of months at least, that's the foreseeable future
Speaker 2: for us.
Speaker 1: But leading up to that, putting it out there two years, man, years,
Speaker 1: we putting it out there.
Speaker 2: Man, we got It's up to y'all. It's up to y'all.
Speaker 2: If y'all keep listening, keep watching, keep spreading the word,
Speaker 2: telling a friend, we might be here for years, or
Speaker 2: we might be here for a good time and not
Speaker 2: a long time. It just depends.
Speaker 3: Dead Ass.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
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