Speaker 1: Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of Our Heart Radio
Speaker 1: and the Black Effect. And just like that, we're back
Speaker 1: on the air. Welcome back to yet another Carefully Reckless episode.
Speaker 1: What's Your Girl? Jess? Hilarious. We're gonna jump straight in
Speaker 1: just fix my mess. Listen, So we have an update.
Speaker 1: Remember the black lady, the beautiful black queen that was
Speaker 1: dating the white dude with the prejudice brother and all
Speaker 1: that ship. We have an update from her. Okay, she says,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for the advice. I really needed that,
Speaker 1: especially coming from not only another black woman, but also
Speaker 1: from someone on the outside. It was his cousin that
Speaker 1: made that comment about my brother, not his brother, and
Speaker 1: I don't trust them around my daughter if I'm not around.
Speaker 1: But I can't control what my boyfriend does. If him
Speaker 1: and I split, my anxiety will go through the roof
Speaker 1: because now I'm not there to protect or defend my child.
Speaker 1: Her dad obviously won't. H They've already made little comments
Speaker 1: about my daughter's hair. She's gorgeous and has white people
Speaker 1: hair long, beautiful and super curly, unlike her cousins their kids.
Speaker 1: I feel like they're jealous. And my boyfriend told me
Speaker 1: that his brother always had a thing for black girls.
Speaker 1: So I don't know. It's just confusing. It's a lot
Speaker 1: to deal with, and I'm tired. I don't know how
Speaker 1: to defend myself verbally. I freeze up. If I had
Speaker 1: the words, they would flow, but I don't. Okay, girl,
Speaker 1: you need some more mess fixing ship. Oh my god. So, no,
Speaker 1: you cannot control what your boyfriend does. No, you can't.
Speaker 1: You cannot control what he does, but you can control
Speaker 1: how your child grows up. See this is a little
Speaker 1: hard for me to kind of guide you through because
Speaker 1: this is in fact his child as well. No, you
Speaker 1: cannot control what he does. No, you cannot. I don't
Speaker 1: even know the type of relationship that he has with
Speaker 1: his daughter. Does he love her? Is he kind with her?
Speaker 1: Is he gentle with her? Is she a daddy's girl?
Speaker 1: Is he very very close with his daughter? You are
Speaker 1: thinking the right way, because no, I wouldn't want them
Speaker 1: around my child. I don't trust those people. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: trust them. You said they already made comments about her hair,
Speaker 1: and she has, as you quoted, white people hair. I
Speaker 1: would disagree with that, because that's where the curls come from.
Speaker 1: The curls actually come from you, baby, That comes from you.
Speaker 1: White people have long, thin, stringy hair, sometimes it's thick,
Speaker 1: but they don't really have coily curls. They don't have curls.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's your DNA. Don't give them all that credit.
Speaker 1: I just want to be very clear with you about
Speaker 1: the part where you said your boyfriend told you that
Speaker 1: his brother has always had a thing for black girls. Now,
Speaker 1: that could be true, but it ain't the type of
Speaker 1: thing that we think it is. Ain't no way you
Speaker 1: had a thing for black girls, but you are constantly
Speaker 1: verbally abusing them. There's no fucking way. You're very judgmental
Speaker 1: and and stereotypical. I don't know that he fits the
Speaker 1: mold of a racist man in my eyes, from what
Speaker 1: I gathered from your previous email and to this one. Now,
Speaker 1: are you freezing up because you don't know what to say?
Speaker 1: Or are you freezing up because you're scared, or you
Speaker 1: really don't know what to say, or you don't want
Speaker 1: to hurt their feelings, or you you're just trying to
Speaker 1: keep the commotion down. What is your reason for freezing up?
Speaker 1: Because I can help you out with the words, Babe,
Speaker 1: I can help you out with the words, if that's
Speaker 1: all it is. I still feel like you're kind of
Speaker 1: protecting your man, protecting you know. I think you want
Speaker 1: to just keep the commotion down, but they are going
Speaker 1: to keep disrespecting you. I don't think that you should
Speaker 1: have to live miserable because you want to give your
Speaker 1: your daughter the life of a family like that family
Speaker 1: life that because she'd be even more fucked up growing
Speaker 1: up in that setting where one side of the family
Speaker 1: secretly hates the other side of the family because of
Speaker 1: skin color, because of race. And then now it's speaking
Speaker 1: as her I am both of them. I'm white and
Speaker 1: I'm black, So I don't know which way to go.
Speaker 1: You know, she'd be more fucked up growing up that
Speaker 1: way then growing up with Mommy in a happy place,
Speaker 1: still seeing her family, not trying to ask him out completely.
Speaker 1: But she needs to grow up in a loving environment.
Speaker 1: She's a kid, she's very innocent. She didn't actually be here.
Speaker 1: You guys made her against her will, so she doesn't
Speaker 1: deserve this. So you have to now take charge as
Speaker 1: a mom and put her first and do the best
Speaker 1: thing for her, because you obviously have not been doing
Speaker 1: the best thing for you. So if you're not gonna
Speaker 1: do it for you, do it for your child, and
Speaker 1: that will make you want to do it for you.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you. That's my advice. Check back in. Let
Speaker 1: me know, baby girl, and listen. I just want to
Speaker 1: tell you this. I love you. I don't even know you.
Speaker 1: I love you. Though you're very strong. You're stronger than
Speaker 1: you think you are because you're dealing with this and
Speaker 1: you don't have to. I'm not praising you for dealing
Speaker 1: with this because you shouldn't want to. You don't have to.
Speaker 1: You're a powerful, strong black woman, but you are strong
Speaker 1: for putting on this this armored skin, acting like this ship.
Speaker 1: Don't fucking bother you, acting like you can't get a
Speaker 1: bout of this ship. Younion gotta be treated like this.
Speaker 1: Check back in, babe. Moving on there, Jess, please help
Speaker 1: me with my messy ass mess. Me and my boyfriend
Speaker 1: have been together for almost two years now and have
Speaker 1: gone through a lot together, mostly due to a lot
Speaker 1: of my drunken black out mishaps. A bit would be
Speaker 1: crazy sometimes off that damn consle. He goes, Okay, bitch,
Speaker 1: I me too, But this is not about me. This
Speaker 1: is about you. However, lately, we have been trying to
Speaker 1: openly communicate better and not keep our feelings bottled up inside.
Speaker 1: But I don't know how to approach this situation and
Speaker 1: I need your help. We have been amazing lately, but
Speaker 1: I had gone through his phone when we weren't doing
Speaker 1: so great and we weren't even having sex at all
Speaker 1: because he isn't fucking me, he gotta be fucking somebody else.
Speaker 1: And I see he is on Tender and Facebook dating
Speaker 1: and he is in fact talking a bitches. Oh. Furthermore,
Speaker 1: he went to Vegas a couple of months ago and
Speaker 1: tried to meet up with one of his old friends
Speaker 1: and told her that he wasn't with his girl anymore.
Speaker 1: They didn't meet up, but they faced time for about
Speaker 1: two and a half hours at three in the morning.
Speaker 1: We've been doing really well, but I have been keeping
Speaker 1: this information bottled up for weeks and just don't feel
Speaker 1: like we can move forward unless I mentioned the disrespect
Speaker 1: and him still having contact with his friend. All right, ma'am,
Speaker 1: So let's just start here. If you're ask what and
Speaker 1: so damn drunk all the damn time, you would be
Speaker 1: able to pay attention to your man, and you would
Speaker 1: be able to see these things before they happen. Okay, listen,
Speaker 1: Drinking is cool sometimes, you know what I mean. Social
Speaker 1: drinking is cool. Occasional drinking is cool. But it becomes
Speaker 1: a problem. And you know it's a problem because you
Speaker 1: don't just drink to have a fun time. Baby, you
Speaker 1: said you get so drunk where you black out. You
Speaker 1: said drunken blackout mishaps plural. This is something that you do.
Speaker 1: This is something that he has to cope with. Whether
Speaker 1: you see it that way or not, it's hard dealing
Speaker 1: with an alcoholic. Sorry that I called you that, but honey,
Speaker 1: drunken blackout mishaps. I think that you just admitted to
Speaker 1: me that you were an alcoholic. So while I'm not
Speaker 1: judging you because I love alcohol, I drink about five
Speaker 1: six times a week that's by day, so I'm not
Speaker 1: judging you at all. However, I don't abuse liquor to
Speaker 1: the point where I have drunken blacked out mishaps. All right, now,
Speaker 1: let's move on to him. You said you've been doing
Speaker 1: very good lately, but you found out some ship that
Speaker 1: you didn't bring up to him. Obviously, I think you
Speaker 1: need to sit down and have a conversation with him
Speaker 1: about it. I think it needs to be in a
Speaker 1: very warm, calm setting, and you do not need to
Speaker 1: drink before you do this. Feel free to do whatever after,
Speaker 1: but do not drink for this because you need a
Speaker 1: clear conscience. You need to really see what his angle is. Why,
Speaker 1: what would make you make a tinder? What would make
Speaker 1: you turn to Facebook dating? Do you need someone to
Speaker 1: just give you this attention because you said one of
Speaker 1: his old friends he went to Vegas weeks ago and
Speaker 1: he didn't even see her. He just face times, or
Speaker 1: he is looking for attention. I don't even think he's
Speaker 1: looking to be with someone based off of what I
Speaker 1: gathered here which you sent me. I don't think he's
Speaker 1: looking to replace you. I don't think he's even looking
Speaker 1: to physically sexually cheat on you. I think he is
Speaker 1: missing that attention. You lack that in a relationship, and
Speaker 1: just like us, just like women, if we're not getting
Speaker 1: what we feel we need or that attention, you know,
Speaker 1: just the basis of a regular relationship in our relationship,
Speaker 1: and we don't want to leave, we'll look for it elsewhere.
Speaker 1: We won't leave, sometimes we will, but sometimes you just
Speaker 1: love the person that much where you want to stay.
Speaker 1: You just still lack certain ships that you know you
Speaker 1: can get somewhere else. And then you you feel like
Speaker 1: you're fine, You feel like you're patching it up, but
Speaker 1: you really want the person that you're in a relationship
Speaker 1: to do it. So I think that, um, it starts
Speaker 1: with working on yourself, and I do think that it
Speaker 1: starts with communication. I don't think you should keep that
Speaker 1: from him that you know this, you know. I think
Speaker 1: you should go at it from a different angle and
Speaker 1: see where that leads you. But he he wants attention,
Speaker 1: and um, I think you should sit down and have
Speaker 1: a conversation with him about that, because it sounds like
Speaker 1: you have a great relationship. It sounds like that you've
Speaker 1: commended it lots of times before telling me the small problem.
Speaker 1: This is very very small in my eyes compared to
Speaker 1: other relationships and the other hardships that people go through.
Speaker 1: Keep me updated, baby girl, Stay off the COSA, thank you,
Speaker 1: Hold up, hold up, I noticed ship getting good. But
Speaker 1: listen to just a couple of seconds of a commercial.
Speaker 1: If you love me, you'll listen. Moving on, Hey, Joss,
Speaker 1: So I've been in a relationship with a man for
Speaker 1: twelve years. The relationship itself is okay. He treats me right,
Speaker 1: buys me things, open doors, et cetera. The problem is
Speaker 1: it's been three years and we both have children, and
Speaker 1: I've never seen what they look like. M hm damn yep.
Speaker 1: Three whole years together and all we do is sneak
Speaker 1: around our kids. I've been to his home and he's
Speaker 1: been to mind several times, but we're always hiding one
Speaker 1: another from the kids. His are a bit older and
Speaker 1: mine are younger. Should I continue with this relationship or
Speaker 1: my waste of my time? I'm unsure if it's my
Speaker 1: age or what. But he's hiding me this long for
Speaker 1: a reason. I've met no other family either, but a
Speaker 1: brother and a cousin. I'd love to get married one day,
Speaker 1: but I feel like the path I'm on will have
Speaker 1: me in one of those relationships old folks have where
Speaker 1: that's just my little friend for fifteen years. Well, if
Speaker 1: you are speaking this and you know that's not what
Speaker 1: you want, you shouldn't end up there. Let's just start there.
Speaker 1: You know where you don't want to end up. You
Speaker 1: clearly just said it, but you said you feel like
Speaker 1: you're going to end up there. That's actually settling and
Speaker 1: letting yourself go. You're being in love lazy. You shouldn't
Speaker 1: do that. You're getting tired, you're giving up on your
Speaker 1: love life, and you should not ever speak that way
Speaker 1: because words are very powerful. Don't put that into your universe.
Speaker 1: You will not end up like that. Please. Okay, So
Speaker 1: I'm confused. You've been in a relationship with this man
Speaker 1: for twelve years or three years? Okay? Wait, wait, wait,
Speaker 1: what's what's going on? Okay? So you said I've been
Speaker 1: in relationship with a man twelve years, and then you
Speaker 1: said the problem is it's been three years and we've
Speaker 1: never met each other's children. Okay, So I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: take this as a typo, because girl, that's man think Mathan.
Speaker 1: I don't care whether you've been with them for three
Speaker 1: years or twelve years. Either way, that's too fucking long
Speaker 1: for you not to know someone's children. Three years? Are
Speaker 1: you serious? And then I'm a bit confused because you
Speaker 1: said both of you hide each other from your children,
Speaker 1: so he hasn't met yours, you haven't met his his
Speaker 1: or older, which I really don't understand because if they're older,
Speaker 1: what is keeping you from introducing me to them? What
Speaker 1: is keeping you from bringing them to see me or
Speaker 1: having us in the same vicinity. I don't know. I
Speaker 1: don't know why. Why can't we be in the same setting?
Speaker 1: And if you've been my boyfriend for three years, your
Speaker 1: kids don't ask about me? Like do your kids know
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship you know, as their father? If
Speaker 1: you're very close and tighten it with them, they would
Speaker 1: know that you have a girlfriend. Am I correct? I
Speaker 1: don't know. Does he refer to you as a girlfriend.
Speaker 1: It's a lot of questions I have for this particular story.
Speaker 1: I don't know a baby girl? And what about your kids?
Speaker 1: Why haven't you introduced them to him? I know you
Speaker 1: said they're younger, but is this because you haven't met his?
Speaker 1: So it's like, Okay, I won't let you meet mine
Speaker 1: because I won't meet yours. Because I don't think that's
Speaker 1: healthy either. I think that it's a waste of your time.
Speaker 1: Already you are being hitten for a reason, and obviously
Speaker 1: so was he. But it seems as if you were
Speaker 1: hitting first, so that's where your retaliation comes in at
Speaker 1: has he ever asked you about your kids? Then? When
Speaker 1: you guys have for conversations. Do you talk about your children?
Speaker 1: Because I can't imagine being in a relationship or even
Speaker 1: fucking with somebody for three years monogamously. I can't and
Speaker 1: not know a thing about their kids. For one, I
Speaker 1: love kids. I don't know if if he does well,
Speaker 1: obviously because he has them, which also doesn't mean he
Speaker 1: loves kids. But I don't know. I just can't imagine
Speaker 1: that I want. I would like more information on that,
Speaker 1: But I do think from what you've given me, if
Speaker 1: I had to make a choice, I would say, yes,
Speaker 1: please walk away from that. It doesn't seem like he
Speaker 1: he wants to meet your children, if he hasn't already.
Speaker 1: It doesn't seem like that. It seems like you want
Speaker 1: to meet his. It just doesn't seem like you two
Speaker 1: are on the same page at all. I think maybe
Speaker 1: he looks at you as somebody that he's just dealing with.
Speaker 1: I don't think he wants a serious relationship. Or maybe
Speaker 1: he is still involved with another woman and the woman
Speaker 1: may just be his kids mom. I don't know, does
Speaker 1: his kids have the same other Again, this is you've
Speaker 1: given me a lot, but you've given me a little.
Speaker 1: You know, you can give me a lot of information
Speaker 1: on it, but my decision is yes, move forward. Please
Speaker 1: get the funk up out of that because I'm gonna
Speaker 1: need you to know my kids, especially because they're young
Speaker 1: and I've been with you for three years or twelve.
Speaker 1: But girl, you're just the ball of Confucius. So luck
Speaker 1: tapping talk to you next week, last, but not least,
Speaker 1: Hey Jess, is it true that you can all? Right?
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna struggle with this, but maybe y'all can
Speaker 1: help me figure out what she means, because I think
Speaker 1: I know what she means. But we're just gonna try
Speaker 1: to get through what y'all. Y'all need to slow down
Speaker 1: and proof reread, y'all, ship, This is a d M.
Speaker 1: Y'all have to read it. Y'all have the option. We
Speaker 1: all can unsend, rewrite correctly, and send again. So start
Speaker 1: doing it, ship. Hey Jess, is it true to say
Speaker 1: that you cannot have a man that has his ship together,
Speaker 1: is a good person, and has good dick. You can
Speaker 1: only pick two out of those three. My boyfriend and
Speaker 1: I have been together for about eight years. We are
Speaker 1: twenty seven and twenty eight. We lived together in New
Speaker 1: York City. My boyfriend loves me more than I thought
Speaker 1: anyone could. Overall an amazing and kind person. He is,
Speaker 1: though an alcoholic and does not have any aspirations. God damn,
Speaker 1: this took a turn for the worst. That escalated real
Speaker 1: damn quick. I feel like I am the leader in
Speaker 1: our household. But as I grow older, I realized I
Speaker 1: want a man that inspires me to be better. He
Speaker 1: is my best friend, but I want a husband. Child.
Speaker 1: I know what you mean, baby, I definitely understand and
Speaker 1: listen a lot of y'all answer your own questions in
Speaker 1: writing me and I love this. I love it. I
Speaker 1: love it because now I'm just gonna repeat back to
Speaker 1: you in a more translated way what you just said
Speaker 1: to me. You have grown tremendously since y'all got together.
Speaker 1: Y'all been together for eight years. Still young, but y'all
Speaker 1: are growing. You're grown people. He has good dick. Yes,
Speaker 1: he's an amazing person. Yes, looks good. Yes you didn't
Speaker 1: say that, but I'm just gonna say, you know, but
Speaker 1: he don't have a ship together all right. Still after
Speaker 1: eight years, and you've grown tremendously mentally, emotionally, you have grown.
Speaker 1: Because you're telling me you want a husband, but he's
Speaker 1: your best friend. Sometimes you don't have to marry your
Speaker 1: best friend. Sometimes people are meant to just be friends
Speaker 1: and best friends. Yeah, he's your best friend. He's not
Speaker 1: your soul mate, and you don't necessarily have to marry
Speaker 1: your soul mate. But it doesn't seem like y'all are
Speaker 1: really really tied together anyway. When you outgrow somebody who
Speaker 1: just don't get it, who struggle with growing with themselves,
Speaker 1: sometimes you have to separate yourself from them because it's
Speaker 1: an equation, right, there's two people, so it's it's like
Speaker 1: a whole math problem. When you take away one number,
Speaker 1: you have the one number that stands alone. You have
Speaker 1: to leave him to figure that out for herself because
Speaker 1: you can't pull him up with you. If he's not climbing,
Speaker 1: you understand what I'm saying, because then he's deadweight, so
Speaker 1: he has no aspirations. That's not your problem, and you
Speaker 1: shouldn't make it your problem. Listening, you have no children,
Speaker 1: you have no biological ties to him, you have no
Speaker 1: obligation to him. You're not his wife, And before you
Speaker 1: decide to go ahead and settle and get there, you
Speaker 1: need to break it off let him find himself and
Speaker 1: come back to you if you feel that he is
Speaker 1: in fact the and that you would love to make
Speaker 1: your husband, or that is going to make you his wife.
Speaker 1: He's your best friend, is good. That's good. There's nothing
Speaker 1: wrong with him being your best friend. He does not
Speaker 1: have to beat your husband, though, he can just be
Speaker 1: your best friend. He's very comfortable where he is. You know,
Speaker 1: there are good things about him. But a person with
Speaker 1: no aspirations, that's not going to be a healthy marriage,
Speaker 1: especially with a go getter like you. If you were
Speaker 1: just like him, yes that would be more compatible, but
Speaker 1: you're not. You need a man, a motherfucking man slash husband. Okay,
Speaker 1: so yes, it's communication. I think you shouldn't tell him
Speaker 1: that you're leaving. So no, no, no, I don't just
Speaker 1: skip to that. But honestly, you you don't sound happy, baby,
Speaker 1: you really don't. So I think eight years is enough
Speaker 1: time for you to um give to someone who's not
Speaker 1: helping you, girl, who's not building with you. You need
Speaker 1: a strong foundation, for one. It seems like you're the
Speaker 1: only foundation. You're the table. He didn't bring anything but
Speaker 1: just good dick. Good dick is everywhere. It's not a
Speaker 1: bad dick too, but it's good dick everywhere. Don't go
Speaker 1: any further than eight years with this check in let
Speaker 1: me know. And the last one, Hey, Jess, I really
Speaker 1: need slash want you to fix my mask, but my
Speaker 1: mess is too much to type. And I know it's anonymous,
Speaker 1: but it's still personal. Seven seven six three. Hold up, bitch, Wait, ma'am,
Speaker 1: I cannot call you. I'm not gonna call you. What
Speaker 1: what are you talking about? It's dealing with my relationship
Speaker 1: and happiness versus fear of losing out as bad as
Speaker 1: I want to help you, which I ain't gonna call you.
Speaker 1: You know that, so you better get the typing ship
Speaker 1: these people. Funny is that we're gonna end it just
Speaker 1: like that girl. Now. I really want to hear what
Speaker 1: she gots. I might get prints the caller. All right, listen,
Speaker 1: everybody has a story and everybody needs help. If you
Speaker 1: don't know where to go, you don't know how to
Speaker 1: assess your situation properly, please send me a dam to
Speaker 1: the Carefully Reckless page the d M I repeat carefully
Speaker 1: Reckless podcast Instagram. Send all of your stories, your inquiries,
Speaker 1: all all the advice leaders y'all send messages to the
Speaker 1: d M on the Carefully Reckless page. I will not
Speaker 1: see them if y'all send it to my jest hilarious
Speaker 1: official page is so many I stopped checking those d M.
Speaker 1: You can also send your stories to the Reckless Discussions
Speaker 1: official page as well. I checked both of those. I
Speaker 1: love helping y'all. I really really do make sure y'all
Speaker 1: fucking proofreading, though, because it'd be a lot of ship
Speaker 1: that I'd be having a piece together. But I shouldn't
Speaker 1: have to put your story together to fix your ship,
Speaker 1: all right, put it together right? And just like that,
Speaker 1: we're gonna end this episode. I love you'all. Make sure
Speaker 1: you'll tune into Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday, seven am.
Speaker 1: Tune into Reckless Discussions every Wednesday seven pm only on
Speaker 1: YouTube and in my deepest pam Boys piece clad love.
Speaker 1: Carefully Reckless is a production of I Heart Radio and
Speaker 1: The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio,
Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.