1 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:13,720 Speaker 1: Hi, and welcome to You Need Therapy. I am the 2 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:17,000 Speaker 1: host Cat and if you're new here, I'm so excited 3 00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: that you're here finally, and if you're not, obviously very 4 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,800 Speaker 1: glad that you're back. So I have been talking about 5 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,920 Speaker 1: exciting news and it's finally here. The time is now. 6 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:31,800 Speaker 1: I announced last week actually on Instagram. If you don't 7 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,320 Speaker 1: follow me, you can follow me at at cat dot 8 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:38,280 Speaker 1: defata defata as D E F A T T A. 9 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:42,239 Speaker 1: But anyway, so I announced that You Need Therapy. The 10 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:46,240 Speaker 1: podcast has joined the Amy Brown Network with I Heart Radio. 11 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:51,479 Speaker 1: I also released a new podcast trailer to Instagram and 12 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 1: it's up on wherever you're listening to this too from 13 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:55,760 Speaker 1: as well if you want to go check that out. 14 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 1: It's really fun and cute and I'm very proud of it. Now. 15 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,600 Speaker 1: I'm at Amy when I was a guest on her 16 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,560 Speaker 1: Outweigh series back in March, which was a four part 17 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:07,560 Speaker 1: series that she did with registered dietitian Lisa Haime on 18 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,800 Speaker 1: disordered eating and since then we've been able to stay connected, 19 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: and not only has she become a friend that I 20 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 1: love and appreciate so much, she has graciously opened up 21 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,360 Speaker 1: a space for more people to hear this podcast, which 22 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,080 Speaker 1: is awesome because I want everybody to have access to 23 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,639 Speaker 1: the conversations we have on here. If you don't know Amy, 24 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,039 Speaker 1: she is amazing. She is a co host of the 25 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 1: Bobby Bones radio show, and she also has her own 26 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:34,319 Speaker 1: podcast called Four Things with Amy Brown. Amy is someone 27 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:38,400 Speaker 1: who harps on gratitude as part of her platform and 28 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:42,240 Speaker 1: part of who she authentically is. And I am beyond 29 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:45,320 Speaker 1: grateful to have been asked to be a part of 30 00:01:45,319 --> 00:01:48,120 Speaker 1: something she's creating. Like I feel like there aren't words 31 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:52,600 Speaker 1: that express how excited and grateful I am so Amy. 32 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:56,280 Speaker 1: Thank you again. I'll probably keep thanking you. You're truly 33 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,680 Speaker 1: out here trying to help people be the best they 34 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,160 Speaker 1: can and make the world a better place, and you 35 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,120 Speaker 1: do a very very good job at that. The network 36 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 1: currently has three shows. You Need Therapy is one of them. 37 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 1: Outweigh is Actually this is huge. They took this four 38 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 1: part series and now it's its own podcast that will 39 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,520 Speaker 1: come out weekly, so outweighs on it. And then its 40 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 1: show who is hosted by Lisa called Your Truthius Life, 41 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 1: which I am so excited to check out as well. 42 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,720 Speaker 1: If you like this podcast, you will like all of those, 43 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 1: I promise you can follow Amy at at Radio Amy, 44 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,080 Speaker 1: you can follow Lisa at at Lisa Haynes, and you 45 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,720 Speaker 1: can follow this podcast at at You Need Therapy Podcast 46 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,239 Speaker 1: all on Instagram. I also just want to say thank 47 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,239 Speaker 1: you to all of the people who have been with 48 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:43,360 Speaker 1: me since day one. I remember starting this podcast in 49 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:45,919 Speaker 1: my living room on my couch, trying to figure out 50 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,880 Speaker 1: how to like edit or upload or like even turn 51 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:53,000 Speaker 1: my computer on. And um, I've had so many friends 52 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 1: along the way jump in and pitch in and give 53 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: me their advice and help walk me through something that 54 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,320 Speaker 1: I really didn't know what I was doing. And then 55 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,240 Speaker 1: the response has been amazing. I figured some of my 56 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,799 Speaker 1: clients and some of my family and friends would listen 57 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,200 Speaker 1: to this, but I never imagined it would grow to 58 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,600 Speaker 1: be what it is, and I can't wait for it 59 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:12,560 Speaker 1: to grow more and for us to create a bigger 60 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:16,239 Speaker 1: community doing what I started this for, to create more 61 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 1: meaningful conversations outside of therapy rooms. As for today, I 62 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,959 Speaker 1: have an episode I've been waiting for you all to 63 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,360 Speaker 1: hear for a really long time. I wanted this to 64 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,120 Speaker 1: be the first episode released on the network because it 65 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,280 Speaker 1: just was so good to me, and I think it's 66 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,960 Speaker 1: something that I want to be able to reach so 67 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,800 Speaker 1: many people with. My guest is named Aubrey Henderson and 68 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: she actually graduated from the same master's program I graduated 69 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,480 Speaker 1: from at Vanderbilt, but just one year below me. Now, 70 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,200 Speaker 1: since she has moved to New York City and started 71 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:49,120 Speaker 1: her own business as a self worth coach who helps 72 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,200 Speaker 1: women and l g B t Q folks befriend there 73 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,120 Speaker 1: in her critic break up with people, pleasing and reclaim 74 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:58,760 Speaker 1: all of their desires. She calls herself a recovering people 75 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,839 Speaker 1: pleaser and a co defendant, and is very passionate about 76 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 1: using her background in counseling, twelve step recovery, and leadership 77 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,960 Speaker 1: development to help others work towards their goals. You're going 78 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 1: to love feeling her energy and gaining all of her 79 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,600 Speaker 1: wisdom today as she talks to us specifically about how 80 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,960 Speaker 1: to befriend your inner critic. You can follow her at 81 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:23,039 Speaker 1: Aubrey UM, which I love. It's a with four h 82 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,880 Speaker 1: is b R E, and you can check her out 83 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,719 Speaker 1: online at Aubrey Henderson dot com. Now Here is my 84 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:37,680 Speaker 1: conversation with Aubrey. So what I need to know is 85 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,839 Speaker 1: like what is your life? You're living in New York. 86 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:43,400 Speaker 1: That's wait right under me right like the year after 87 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,920 Speaker 1: you What is going on in the world in New York. 88 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,200 Speaker 1: So I live in New York, um here with my wife, 89 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,280 Speaker 1: and we're foster parents, so we have three kiddos, and 90 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,800 Speaker 1: I've been coaching now for about a year and a 91 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,040 Speaker 1: half and I've had the podcast for about a year. 92 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: And I actually just quit my day job to do 93 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,560 Speaker 1: this full time and also to have space to be 94 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:07,560 Speaker 1: like remote learning super mom for my children. That's been 95 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,960 Speaker 1: a big exciting change. But yeah, I'm doing so I'm 96 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 1: like just really focused on coaching. I've been doing mostly 97 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,840 Speaker 1: one on one coaching, but it's all I mean, you know, 98 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,600 Speaker 1: to some extent, like from Instagram. It's my kind of 99 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 1: umbrella areas self Worth that's where I do most of 100 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 1: my work with folks, and so a lot of that 101 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,760 Speaker 1: is one on one coaching. Whether it's you know, literally 102 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:28,120 Speaker 1: people like I my self worth is totally crap and 103 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,920 Speaker 1: I need help, you know, rebuilding that, or whether it's like, hey, 104 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,640 Speaker 1: I'm struggling with my job search because I don't know 105 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 1: what I want to do, or like I don't feel 106 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,640 Speaker 1: confident or whatever, and so helping them build that around 107 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,840 Speaker 1: a project that is me. I guess the other big 108 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 1: project that I'm working on right now is I'm co 109 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:44,720 Speaker 1: authoring a book about people pleasing with another coach who's 110 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:48,560 Speaker 1: in Vancouver. That's exciting. So I think, I remember you 111 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,960 Speaker 1: moved to New York for a job with with the 112 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:52,880 Speaker 1: Planned Parenthood. Did I make that up? I did apply 113 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,560 Speaker 1: for a job at Planned parent and I didn't end 114 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:56,840 Speaker 1: up coming for that job, but I did. I I 115 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:59,320 Speaker 1: applied for the job at Planned Parenthood. I moved. If 116 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,800 Speaker 1: we're totally honest, the reason I moved was to follow 117 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,960 Speaker 1: a girl. Thankfully, she ended up marrying me, so that 118 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:09,120 Speaker 1: worked out well. I would highly highly recommenst that. Know, 119 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,320 Speaker 1: it was really it was a wild and crazy thing 120 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,479 Speaker 1: to do. But yes, I moved to New York to 121 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,600 Speaker 1: follow Laura. And then I happened into and like, you know, 122 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,919 Speaker 1: after finishing our grad program kind of was like, Okay, 123 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,720 Speaker 1: I need to press pause. I don't know if I'm 124 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:24,240 Speaker 1: in the place in my life where I can like 125 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,719 Speaker 1: do the helping profession thing right now yet, and so 126 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,600 Speaker 1: I didn't. I went into nonprofit worked in like leadership 127 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 1: Development UM nonprofit management for about five years, and towards 128 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 1: the end of that was like, man, I really miss 129 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,560 Speaker 1: like one on one work with people. Like I enjoy 130 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:40,919 Speaker 1: the leadership development stuff, I enjoy the like coaching element 131 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,800 Speaker 1: of managing people, that I really would like to be 132 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 1: working one on one with people again. And that's when 133 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,359 Speaker 1: I sort of discovered the realm of coaching, which is 134 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,240 Speaker 1: something I can kind of had always been like, what 135 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 1: the hell is coaching? I feel like life coaches like 136 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,320 Speaker 1: something that people call themselves when they wish they could 137 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,040 Speaker 1: be a therapist but don't want to go to school 138 00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:59,680 Speaker 1: for it kind of thing, which, to be clear, I 139 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,960 Speaker 1: think some coaches do that. But then as I looked 140 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,160 Speaker 1: more into it, what I want to do is not therapy. 141 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: It's not like giving mental health treatment to people. It's 142 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,920 Speaker 1: at that statements, not delving into trauma. But what I 143 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,680 Speaker 1: do want to do is work with people one on one, 144 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,680 Speaker 1: support them toward meeting goals and you know, help them 145 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,760 Speaker 1: build their confidence. And so yeah, I started coaching part 146 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,440 Speaker 1: time kind of on the side of a fun thing. 147 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,520 Speaker 1: Started the podcast because I was like, why the hell not, 148 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,240 Speaker 1: let's start a podcast, and it's sort of grown over time. 149 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:28,280 Speaker 1: And I love well. I was going to ask because 150 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,600 Speaker 1: for the people listening, we both went to a counseling 151 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,480 Speaker 1: program to be a counselor or a therapist, whatever you 152 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,280 Speaker 1: wanna call it. I think in my cohort there's like 153 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: three of us that are actually a therapists. Yeah, I 154 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,680 Speaker 1: know a lot of Yes, in mind, there might be 155 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 1: more than three, but like a good chunk of us 156 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:47,840 Speaker 1: went into different all into realms where we're working with people. 157 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,960 Speaker 1: Because I think if you feel called to go into 158 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,400 Speaker 1: a graduate program for counseling, there's some part of you 159 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 1: that's like I want to help people. But yeah, a 160 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,960 Speaker 1: lot a lot of folks took it kind of in 161 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 1: different routes, which I think is pretty cool. It is 162 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:02,560 Speaker 1: really interesting. Yeah, at that moment in my life, and 163 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,280 Speaker 1: this is interesting because it really seems into my journey 164 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,520 Speaker 1: of how I have come to coach around self worth. 165 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,440 Speaker 1: Is that in that moment when I was in the 166 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 1: that grad program, when I was in my internship, also 167 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: my personal life was like an absolute shit show. Like 168 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:20,640 Speaker 1: my personal life was really in like a bad place, 169 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,760 Speaker 1: and I was in a relationship with someone who was 170 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 1: active in their addiction, who was really struggling and where 171 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:31,520 Speaker 1: I was highly codependent with them and was in an 172 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,520 Speaker 1: unhealthy place. And so at that same time, I was realizing, like, 173 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:37,880 Speaker 1: oh my god, I you know, am in this space 174 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,760 Speaker 1: where I'm working with folks who are struggling with the 175 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,679 Speaker 1: same things that I'm having a hard time with my 176 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:45,440 Speaker 1: personal life, and like the boundaries are so fluid. And thankfully, 177 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,520 Speaker 1: you know, I was with a supervisor who was amazing 178 00:08:47,559 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 1: and who was like helping me figure out what those 179 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 1: boundaries were. But I was like, Okay, so at this 180 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,760 Speaker 1: moment in my life, I cannot do this work. So 181 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,160 Speaker 1: many people wouldn't have the wherewithal to be able to 182 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,440 Speaker 1: separate of like this might not be the spot for 183 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,559 Speaker 1: me to go, like help people, I'm struggling with this 184 00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:04,880 Speaker 1: and I need help. Yeah. No, absolutely a certain level 185 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,360 Speaker 1: of I mean humility too. And it was hard. I 186 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,680 Speaker 1: mean like it was the moment in time, and I 187 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:12,040 Speaker 1: mean it was like a big that whole year, because 188 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,280 Speaker 1: I think that was kind of early in a year 189 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,480 Speaker 1: where I then was out of that relationship, was not 190 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:20,079 Speaker 1: with anyone for a while, and then I eventually met 191 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,000 Speaker 1: my who was now at the person who's now my wife, 192 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,120 Speaker 1: and towards the end of that year, you know, we 193 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,080 Speaker 1: like made some like big choices to like move to 194 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,680 Speaker 1: New York, and I decided like, okay, like counseling is 195 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 1: not what I want to do right now, which I 196 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,080 Speaker 1: had grown up. I don't know about you, but like 197 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 1: some this time I was in like six or seventh grade, 198 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:37,600 Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going to be a therapist, Like 199 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,839 Speaker 1: that's what I'm gonna do, like I know for sure. 200 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,600 Speaker 1: And so that to then you know, be an adult 201 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,440 Speaker 1: finishing grad school and be like never mind, like the 202 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,480 Speaker 1: thing I thought was the thing I was born to do, 203 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,520 Speaker 1: and that I like went into college like studying psychology 204 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:52,679 Speaker 1: and then like went to grad school for counseling, is 205 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,800 Speaker 1: like this is what I'm doing. To then have that 206 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,400 Speaker 1: kind of identity moment of like okay, I'm not going 207 00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,600 Speaker 1: to do that thing at least not right now. So 208 00:09:59,679 --> 00:10:01,680 Speaker 1: like it is the thing. It's a hard season. It 209 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 1: did not feel good. What was that like for you? 210 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,880 Speaker 1: Like how did you cope with identity crisis? That's what 211 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,920 Speaker 1: that I would call that. Yeah, I mean it was 212 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,680 Speaker 1: really hard. I think the interesting thing right about moving 213 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,200 Speaker 1: to a new city. We were in Nashville, which I 214 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,840 Speaker 1: love Nashville, I still do. I wasn't like I loved it, 215 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,120 Speaker 1: like I still love it and I miss it. But 216 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,320 Speaker 1: we first moved to New York and like every day 217 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,719 Speaker 1: for a year I said to my wife, who wasn't 218 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,200 Speaker 1: yet my wife, but I said to her, like, if 219 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,920 Speaker 1: I hate it here, we can move back, right. And 220 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,160 Speaker 1: it was because you know, I hadn't found a job yet, 221 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,680 Speaker 1: I hadn't found community yet. That was the part that 222 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,480 Speaker 1: I think for me, I'm you know, I'm not I 223 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,720 Speaker 1: would say I'm an extrovert, but I'm somebody who like 224 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 1: really and I think all humans due to some extent, 225 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,720 Speaker 1: like I thrived in community and I needed to feel 226 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,120 Speaker 1: like rooted and grounded in the place that I was. 227 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,680 Speaker 1: And I think like over time I was able to 228 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:49,079 Speaker 1: find my community through my workplace. I was able to 229 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,160 Speaker 1: find community through like we found a church that we 230 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,040 Speaker 1: loved and we got really involved in. And so once 231 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 1: I was able to build that, I felt and now 232 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,719 Speaker 1: feel really at home here. This is the place I've 233 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,840 Speaker 1: lived now the longest as an adult. You know, I 234 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,080 Speaker 1: haven't lived any place this long except for where I 235 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 1: grew up. But it kind of taught me to this 236 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,480 Speaker 1: piece of like I can really feel like I belong 237 00:11:08,559 --> 00:11:11,280 Speaker 1: anywhere if I have a sense of community. You could 238 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,960 Speaker 1: like drop me in the middle of like rural Wyoming 239 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,520 Speaker 1: where I know nobody, and I feel like if I 240 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,199 Speaker 1: can get plugged in and connected to the right community. 241 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,120 Speaker 1: And I think some of that is me too, as 242 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 1: like a person who sources a lot of who I 243 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,800 Speaker 1: am and how I help others and how I connect 244 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 1: with others and how I care for others, which is 245 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:31,800 Speaker 1: something to be careful with, but also something that I 246 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,079 Speaker 1: think is a gift. I mean bringing this all together, 247 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,400 Speaker 1: I imagine because I know for me, it's when I 248 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,040 Speaker 1: get in spaces that are new, I can have this 249 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,839 Speaker 1: like which I've tried to like really make this voice 250 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 1: very different than mine, but have some like really unkind 251 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 1: mean not like comfortable thoughts creep in and tell me, 252 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:52,000 Speaker 1: like you made a mistake, what are you doing? And 253 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 1: so I imagine in this space that started to creep in, 254 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,679 Speaker 1: which one, I want to know what you did with that, 255 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,280 Speaker 1: and then too, I want to know how much of 256 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,199 Speaker 1: a blessing that really is because you're using that experience 257 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,800 Speaker 1: to help and coach the people that you're working with. 258 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,360 Speaker 1: Because I think a lot of times it's like now, 259 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,400 Speaker 1: I struggle saying this because sometimes I don't think it applies. 260 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:14,840 Speaker 1: But it is very helpful to have somebody help walk 261 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:16,920 Speaker 1: you through a stage of life or a part of life, 262 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,760 Speaker 1: or a feeling you're having. If that person who's walking 263 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,199 Speaker 1: you has been like, hey, I've actually walked down this, 264 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 1: so I know that that this path like leads to somewhere, 265 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 1: and so I want to know kind of like what 266 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,360 Speaker 1: that looks like for you inter critic wise, and like 267 00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:32,760 Speaker 1: how you dealt with it, and then how you shape 268 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,760 Speaker 1: and move people you're working with to move through those voices. Yeah, 269 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 1: I know those are great questions, and I think, you know, 270 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,400 Speaker 1: I'm somebody who I very much think of myself as 271 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:45,720 Speaker 1: day recovering blank a lot of things, and I use 272 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,160 Speaker 1: like recovering people pleaser is a big one for me 273 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,520 Speaker 1: because I don't think I ever like solve being a 274 00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:52,280 Speaker 1: people pleaser. I think a lot of that is like 275 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,959 Speaker 1: my baseline, and I am always kind of recovering from that, 276 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,960 Speaker 1: and some of that is to takeaway from, you know, 277 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,240 Speaker 1: being in the twelve step world for so long, is 278 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,760 Speaker 1: there you're always in recovery. But I'm also someone who's 279 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:06,840 Speaker 1: a recovering perfectionist, recovering kind of like overachiever. I was 280 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,920 Speaker 1: always that kid who really wanted to like do the 281 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,440 Speaker 1: right thing and make my parents proud and like be 282 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 1: the top of the class and all of those things. 283 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,560 Speaker 1: And so when you go through life and you're kind 284 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:18,640 Speaker 1: of like doing like the next thing, Like I went 285 00:13:18,679 --> 00:13:20,319 Speaker 1: to college, and then right after college, I went to 286 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,200 Speaker 1: grad school, and I like reach the end of that 287 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,040 Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, ship, i don't know what the 288 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,840 Speaker 1: next thing is, or like I'm doing the wrong next thing, 289 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,120 Speaker 1: because the right next thing would be to like go 290 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,240 Speaker 1: into a counseling job, right, And so I definitely had 291 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,560 Speaker 1: those inner critic moments for sure. Of like, and my 292 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,360 Speaker 1: inner critic is is nasty. Let me tell you you're 293 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,199 Speaker 1: a failure. You have failed. Everyone has seen you fail 294 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,959 Speaker 1: because everyone knows that you planned on being a therapist 295 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,960 Speaker 1: the whole time and now you're not. And so there's 296 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,760 Speaker 1: that voice that is telling you, you know, you're a failure, 297 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,080 Speaker 1: there's something wrong with you. And I think a lot 298 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,920 Speaker 1: of the advice that we hear around that right is 299 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,640 Speaker 1: to like just ignore it or just be like the 300 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:58,520 Speaker 1: voice in your head is kind of an asshole, and 301 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:00,480 Speaker 1: like you just need to ignore them or like learned 302 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,080 Speaker 1: to tune them out or make it go away. I 303 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,000 Speaker 1: have clients I work with around this. I actually had 304 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,240 Speaker 1: a client say to me, like in one of our 305 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,280 Speaker 1: early sessions and like setting goals for coaching, she was like, 306 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,200 Speaker 1: I want to get rid of my inner critic. And 307 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,640 Speaker 1: I was like, we're not going to do that. I 308 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,600 Speaker 1: hear you, and like, yes, we will work on it absolutely, 309 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:18,839 Speaker 1: and like, yes, I hear that your inner critic is 310 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 1: distressing to you and you you don't want to continue 311 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:22,840 Speaker 1: to go on the way you have, But like, I 312 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,680 Speaker 1: actually don't think you can get rid of an inner critic, 313 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,720 Speaker 1: and I don't think you should. And I think that 314 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,160 Speaker 1: you know, the way I think about it is a 315 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,000 Speaker 1: little bit unconventional, but I think our inner critic is 316 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:35,120 Speaker 1: not something that one you can ever realistically get rid of. 317 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,880 Speaker 1: So to say like push it out of your mind, 318 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,800 Speaker 1: ignore it, get rid of it is setting you up 319 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:40,880 Speaker 1: to them fail and then have your inner critic tell 320 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:43,200 Speaker 1: you more that you're a failure. So why would we 321 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:47,680 Speaker 1: do that? And also, to me, an inner critic represents 322 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 1: not like some other person's voice in your head. Necessarily, 323 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 1: your inner critic is a part of you that is wounded. 324 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,800 Speaker 1: Your inner critic is a version of yourself when you 325 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,440 Speaker 1: were at your most vulnerable or in your kind of 326 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:03,720 Speaker 1: deep level of pain. So for me, my inner critic 327 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,440 Speaker 1: telling me I'm a failure is a version of me 328 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:10,120 Speaker 1: when I've let people down and failed and felt that feeling. 329 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: And it's that version of me speaking to me now 330 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,000 Speaker 1: saying let's not do this again. Like Aubrey, We've been 331 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,360 Speaker 1: here and it felt bad. Let's not do this again now. 332 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,000 Speaker 1: It's saying in a nasty, kind of mean way to 333 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,520 Speaker 1: get my attention, But it's actually what it's trying to do, 334 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,920 Speaker 1: when you think about it, is adaptive. It's trying to 335 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,640 Speaker 1: help me. And so the response to that is not 336 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,520 Speaker 1: to just ignore it, especially for regarding it as I mean, 337 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,480 Speaker 1: it's kind of like relates back to doing inner child work. 338 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,920 Speaker 1: It's a it's a part of you, and so the 339 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,960 Speaker 1: orientation then to that becomes not push it away or 340 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,320 Speaker 1: ignore it or dismiss it, but instead to be regarding 341 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,640 Speaker 1: it with compassion and recognizing that it's a part of 342 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:50,840 Speaker 1: you that wants to protect you. That mindset shift is 343 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 1: really hard like, it's hard to have compassion to a 344 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,880 Speaker 1: person who's not kind to you, you know, outside of 345 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,480 Speaker 1: yourself and self compassion. I think it's harder than anytime 346 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:03,000 Speaker 1: you compass sure. So that's something that you know, I 347 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,640 Speaker 1: had to do a lot of work with myself that 348 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,160 Speaker 1: there's a lot of work I have to do with 349 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,400 Speaker 1: clients around is that sense of self compassion in particularly 350 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 1: when there's a part of your mind that's repeating unkind 351 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,760 Speaker 1: things to you. But I think over time, as you 352 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:17,560 Speaker 1: can shift that mindset, then what you can start to 353 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,360 Speaker 1: do is hear those inner critic thoughts as like it's 354 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,000 Speaker 1: kind of like when you hear a person who's like 355 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,960 Speaker 1: staying nasty thanks to you, but you know that they're 356 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 1: saying it because they're so insecure about themselves that you 357 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 1: can eventually move to a place of like, oh, bless 358 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:31,840 Speaker 1: their heart, Like they're like, you know what I'm thinking, 359 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,600 Speaker 1: I'm thinking of Like I don't even know if it's 360 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,600 Speaker 1: gonna make sense. But when you explain it that way, 361 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:39,360 Speaker 1: which one. I love that perspective, and it's probably I 362 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:42,880 Speaker 1: imagine a little jarring for somebody sitting there like, wait, 363 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,840 Speaker 1: what I'm not gonna you're not gonna help me get 364 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 1: rid of that. I'm not this is not what I'm 365 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:51,080 Speaker 1: paying you for. But it's also like, oh okay, because 366 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:54,120 Speaker 1: nothing I have ever tried has worked, so maybe let's 367 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:57,360 Speaker 1: try this. But I'm kind of imagining the idea of 368 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,960 Speaker 1: this critic. Really being a protective is like when you're 369 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,400 Speaker 1: a teenager and your mom's like, you can't do this, 370 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,439 Speaker 1: you can't do that, You're grounded. You're doing this like 371 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,480 Speaker 1: stay in your room, give me a kiss your car. 372 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, Mom, I hate you. It is probably 373 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,560 Speaker 1: what I would have said in high school. But really 374 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,280 Speaker 1: it's like mom is scared and trying to protect me 375 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,639 Speaker 1: because I keep acting out and doing things that are 376 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:20,520 Speaker 1: going to lead me down a dangerous past. Yes, absolutely absolutely. 377 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: I think A really big tool I was using this 378 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:25,399 Speaker 1: cinematic meditation the other day that I did with a 379 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:29,240 Speaker 1: group of folks is cultivating self compassion by viewing different 380 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,119 Speaker 1: parts of yourself that maybe you struggle with or that 381 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,600 Speaker 1: are you know, behaviors that are bad or like I 382 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 1: read something the other day it was like every problem 383 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,040 Speaker 1: with who you are is something you developed over time 384 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:44,040 Speaker 1: to protect yourself. Everything that we view as in fact 385 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,120 Speaker 1: you may have even posted that like that very much 386 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,440 Speaker 1: may have been something that like you shared in your 387 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,359 Speaker 1: but like every piece of yourself that shows up as 388 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 1: being like something that's challenging, something that's causing you distress, 389 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,600 Speaker 1: something that you want to work on. We've developed all 390 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:02,360 Speaker 1: of our behaviors in response to something in our lives, 391 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,400 Speaker 1: and a lot of the time these things are things 392 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:08,000 Speaker 1: we developed as little kids. And so in a meditation 393 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 1: in cultivating self compassion, I was having folks, you know, like, 394 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:16,080 Speaker 1: if you're having trouble feeling loving kindness and compassion towards yourself, 395 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,000 Speaker 1: imagine yourself as a four year old is like, imagine 396 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,520 Speaker 1: four year old you sitting in front of you right now. 397 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,200 Speaker 1: The things that we say to ourselves in the ways 398 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,760 Speaker 1: that we treat ourselves, we would never say those things 399 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:29,680 Speaker 1: to four year old us, But four year old us 400 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:33,200 Speaker 1: throwing a tantrum might say some really ridiculous stuff because 401 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,439 Speaker 1: it's a four year old not able to manage their emotions, 402 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:40,240 Speaker 1: responding out of fear or distress or an unmet need. 403 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,960 Speaker 1: And that's what the inner critic is. It's and it's 404 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,680 Speaker 1: not necessarily four years old. My inner critic is probably 405 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 1: like thirteen fourteen, like the height of me, like being 406 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:52,280 Speaker 1: like I feel ugly. I feel like I don't like 407 00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:55,040 Speaker 1: my body. I feel like all of my friends are 408 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 1: smarter than me. I feel like my parents will never 409 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,480 Speaker 1: be proud of me. I feel like I'm not panted, 410 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:06,080 Speaker 1: like it's all fear. I love. I love asking like, 411 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:09,520 Speaker 1: what ages your inner critic. I've never asked that because 412 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:12,520 Speaker 1: now I'm thinking, I'm like my inner critic is like 413 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,680 Speaker 1: seventeen years old, thinking everybody takes her and nobody wants 414 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,560 Speaker 1: to be a friend. Like I love that powerful, and 415 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,879 Speaker 1: that also makes me feel like, really that makes me 416 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,920 Speaker 1: feel sad. And you know what, that the whole idea 417 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,080 Speaker 1: of And this is why you're probably such a good coach. 418 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,760 Speaker 1: You do have the therapy background. I've always looked at 419 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,239 Speaker 1: that as my like trauma response a lot is like 420 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,680 Speaker 1: the seventeen year old girl coming up or the nine 421 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,879 Speaker 1: year old girl who got picked on or whatever. But 422 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,959 Speaker 1: it's like, oh, that same wounded girl if we also 423 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,000 Speaker 1: tell ourselves or marry that with the critic. I always 424 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,400 Speaker 1: say that in the wounded parts of us, like kind 425 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,600 Speaker 1: of scratch at the inside of our bodies and pay 426 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,480 Speaker 1: attention to me, pay attention to me. That's what the 427 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:53,600 Speaker 1: critic is doing. All of this is together. Absolutely, we 428 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,720 Speaker 1: can get so frustrated with ourselves for like, oh, I 429 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,000 Speaker 1: wish I didn't have this inner critic, wish I wasn't 430 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,040 Speaker 1: so hard on myself, and and we're hard on ourselves 431 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:04,600 Speaker 1: for being hard on ourselves, when really it's like, if 432 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:08,639 Speaker 1: we can make that mindset shift of Okay, the reasons 433 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:10,800 Speaker 1: that these behaviors are showing up for me, or these 434 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:14,440 Speaker 1: thoughts or whatever they are, I learned this somewhere, and 435 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,919 Speaker 1: the way I'm showing up in the world are ways 436 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,320 Speaker 1: that I have learned to cope to survive in the 437 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,320 Speaker 1: conditions around me. And now we're in a place where 438 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,200 Speaker 1: those strategies are no longer working for me. The inner 439 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,000 Speaker 1: critic voice telling me I'm a failure isn't working for 440 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,560 Speaker 1: me anymore. Maybe maybe that pushed me all the way 441 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,879 Speaker 1: through my teenage years and I was able to do 442 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,000 Speaker 1: well in school and whatever, But like now as an adult, 443 00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:37,720 Speaker 1: it's not working. I need something different. You can't then 444 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:41,040 Speaker 1: just totally reject that part of yourself and expect that 445 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,880 Speaker 1: that's going to work. It's something that requires some passion 446 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,840 Speaker 1: and kind of that loving orientation, because then what I 447 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: asked people to do that starts to get really wacky. 448 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,159 Speaker 1: Because I'm somebody who, like I talked to myself. I 449 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,120 Speaker 1: speak out loud to myself in the world all the time, 450 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,480 Speaker 1: just like I'll be, you know, in my kitchen and 451 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,399 Speaker 1: like making something and having a conversation with myself, or 452 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,720 Speaker 1: in the morning, I will literally say to myself, okay, 453 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,879 Speaker 1: it's time to get up. You know what's time to 454 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:08,080 Speaker 1: get up? So funny. My my roommate the other day 455 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,480 Speaker 1: started laughing and I was like what, And she was like, 456 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,320 Speaker 1: I love that you literally walk around the house talking 457 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,760 Speaker 1: to yourself, because I'm like, Catherine, why did you do that? Catherine? 458 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,120 Speaker 1: You need to make some coffee. Catherine, you forgot And 459 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,320 Speaker 1: She's like, you literally speak out loud and sometimes it 460 00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:27,280 Speaker 1: comes out in a song. But you know I'm always verbalizing, 461 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:30,360 Speaker 1: so we are the same in that. Yes, well, then 462 00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:32,840 Speaker 1: this strategy won't feel as much of a stretch to you, 463 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,600 Speaker 1: and it does to some people. But I so I 464 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 1: I do this speaking out loud, like I literally do 465 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:39,960 Speaker 1: this out loud. Some people will have like the internal monologue, 466 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,879 Speaker 1: which I think can be helpful to and some people 467 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,239 Speaker 1: like to write, which is also fine. But basically, what 468 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,880 Speaker 1: I suggest that people do is to talk back when 469 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,320 Speaker 1: the inner critic is speaking to them so literally. And 470 00:21:49,359 --> 00:21:50,840 Speaker 1: some people are like, well, I do like I like 471 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,560 Speaker 1: think like, oh that's you know, that's not true or whatever. 472 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,840 Speaker 1: But it's not enough I think to just like think it. 473 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,600 Speaker 1: It's about having an intentional conversation. And really, if your 474 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,119 Speaker 1: viewer it as an internal part of you, and you 475 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,840 Speaker 1: need to have a conversation with that version of yourself 476 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,400 Speaker 1: and if it helps, you can literally imagine, Like for you, 477 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,800 Speaker 1: you can imagine sitting across froom, seventeen year old you, 478 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,040 Speaker 1: what would you say I think about? You know, I 479 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,760 Speaker 1: have younger sisters who were not that long ago. They 480 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,920 Speaker 1: were thirteen and fourteen, they were the same age. They're 481 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,720 Speaker 1: struggling with a lot of the same things that my 482 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,800 Speaker 1: inner critic voice is coming from, and I imagine that, 483 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,600 Speaker 1: you know, if I was having a conversation with them, 484 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:25,359 Speaker 1: what would that look like. So if I'm having a 485 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,000 Speaker 1: conversation with thirteen year old me and she's like, dude, 486 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,240 Speaker 1: you're a failure and everybody thinks that you're a failure 487 00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:32,879 Speaker 1: and they hate you. My response would probably be to 488 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,760 Speaker 1: laugh a little bit if somebody's actually saying that to me, 489 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,280 Speaker 1: I mean said, but what, like why would you think that? 490 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,600 Speaker 1: Like literally to ask the questions and then it's forcing 491 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 1: yourself to answer and see what the back end force 492 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,200 Speaker 1: feels like it to have that be like an actual 493 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,320 Speaker 1: conversation that plays out and for some people, like I said, 494 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:52,760 Speaker 1: it helps to write it down, but making that your 495 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:57,000 Speaker 1: habit of like not just letting those thoughts exist unopposed, 496 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,640 Speaker 1: but to have a conversation. Yeah, and I think that 497 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 1: the important part in that sentence is like not to 498 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,680 Speaker 1: let them exist unopposed, like they just get to win 499 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:06,560 Speaker 1: every time. It's like, you have the thought and it's 500 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 1: true and it's there, and that's what we're gonna go with. 501 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,240 Speaker 1: But it's like, why don't we become curious about the thought? 502 00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:14,840 Speaker 1: If what's the evidence? What's that? Like? Actually almost like 503 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,560 Speaker 1: making the critic will prove it to me? Yeah, exactly. 504 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,320 Speaker 1: This is the thing I will say in my real 505 00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:21,800 Speaker 1: life that I feel like a big nerd when I 506 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,119 Speaker 1: say it, but like I'll literally ask like, Okay, what 507 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,600 Speaker 1: is the data to support that conclusion? Okay, back it up, 508 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,400 Speaker 1: Like what is the what's the information that we can 509 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,960 Speaker 1: use to support this conclusion of your failure and everybody 510 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:36,240 Speaker 1: hates you. There isn't there is no evidence, and so 511 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: it's taking that step back or it's like you failed 512 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,840 Speaker 1: at this thing. It might be a true statement fun 513 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:45,199 Speaker 1: a nasty way. So then the question becomes, Okay, so 514 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,399 Speaker 1: what if that's true, what does that mean about me? 515 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,359 Speaker 1: And like having a real, a real conversation to just 516 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:53,320 Speaker 1: dig further into it, so like not not let it 517 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,960 Speaker 1: just hang there and become your internal monologue or become 518 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,760 Speaker 1: the thing that like really like stamps itself into your brain, 519 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,040 Speaker 1: but instead having the conversation happened, because I think the 520 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,280 Speaker 1: conversation is healthy if you come from the stance of 521 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,000 Speaker 1: I love the data thing. I will say sometimes I 522 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,800 Speaker 1: am so helpful, and I'll have clients come and be like, 523 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,960 Speaker 1: I heard you asking me when I wasn't even in 524 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,919 Speaker 1: your office, what's the data to support it? And I 525 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:18,160 Speaker 1: couldn't come up with them. But then some time they'll 526 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,400 Speaker 1: be like, and I have some data, and I was like, yeah, 527 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:22,640 Speaker 1: and where is that data coming from? And a lot 528 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:26,680 Speaker 1: of times it's rooted in our trauma, rooted in making 529 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:29,480 Speaker 1: a why because we like to figure things out out 530 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,879 Speaker 1: of something that actually isn't true. So our data is 531 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:36,080 Speaker 1: not true. Everybody leaves me because something happened when we 532 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:39,000 Speaker 1: were eleven or twelve or godden is what what age? 533 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,520 Speaker 1: But were they really leaving you or were they leaving 534 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,119 Speaker 1: something else? Were they leaving themselves? But we don't have 535 00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:47,920 Speaker 1: wherewithal to actually pick that apart. When we're eleven years old, 536 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 1: we just are like, give me. But the other part 537 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:53,840 Speaker 1: I was gonna say, is I wonder in the befriending part, 538 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,160 Speaker 1: how have you seen it be helpful in your life 539 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,959 Speaker 1: for clients when we come from a place of if 540 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,159 Speaker 1: you're trying to help me, like if my critic is 541 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,080 Speaker 1: coming up, okay, if I come from this is like 542 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,920 Speaker 1: a friend trying to help me, like they're being nasty 543 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,240 Speaker 1: because they're looking out for me, or they're doing this. 544 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:12,080 Speaker 1: Where does that like, oh, thank you for pointing that 545 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,800 Speaker 1: out come in some of it is in your approach 546 00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:17,879 Speaker 1: to the conversation that you have with the inner critics. 547 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,479 Speaker 1: So like, for example, like let's say I am somebody 548 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,280 Speaker 1: who has been through some terrible breakups and I'm ready 549 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:26,200 Speaker 1: to date again, and I am talking to a person 550 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,640 Speaker 1: that I'm really I like and I'm really excited about them, 551 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,560 Speaker 1: and my inner critic is saying, like, they're don't be needy, 552 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:33,719 Speaker 1: don't be clinging, they're never going to be into you, 553 00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,800 Speaker 1: like just sucking. Forget it. Like it's not so you 554 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,159 Speaker 1: could say, oh, you're right and forget it, like I 555 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:41,360 Speaker 1: just shouldn't get invested and like, let me not show 556 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:42,920 Speaker 1: that I care about the person, and then the whole 557 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,359 Speaker 1: thing falls apart, right, which is not absolutely not what 558 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:49,080 Speaker 1: I'm advising to do, I think, but I think then 559 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:52,000 Speaker 1: it becomes okay. So if I'm going to approach this 560 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:53,919 Speaker 1: as I would like with a friend, like if you 561 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,159 Speaker 1: and I were talking and you were like, I don't know, 562 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:57,800 Speaker 1: I don't think that that person is ever going to 563 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,600 Speaker 1: be into you, I would be like, why why not? 564 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,200 Speaker 1: But literally responding in the way you would respond if 565 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,000 Speaker 1: the person outside of you is saying that, I mean, 566 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,439 Speaker 1: why do you why do you think that? Why do 567 00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:08,399 Speaker 1: you think they wouldn't be into me? Oh you don't 568 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,280 Speaker 1: have like an actual reason. Oh because other people have. 569 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:13,359 Speaker 1: It hasn't worked out with other people, okay, but it 570 00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:14,960 Speaker 1: can work out with this person, Like what are we 571 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,480 Speaker 1: afraid of? I asked myself that one often, and I 572 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 1: ask clients that all the time. My clients don't love 573 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,040 Speaker 1: it because it's a hard question, but I ask a 574 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:26,359 Speaker 1: lot like, Okay, what's the fear, Like what if that happens? 575 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,439 Speaker 1: What if this person isn't into you? What if it happens, 576 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,640 Speaker 1: what if you show this person that you like them 577 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:35,040 Speaker 1: and they don't like you? Back your quotes? What's the 578 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,719 Speaker 1: fear underneath that? And it's ultimately it's what are you 579 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,679 Speaker 1: making that mean about you? What am I making it 580 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:43,200 Speaker 1: mean about me? If this thing is true? And it's 581 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,240 Speaker 1: like appealing back layers, it's asking questions to peel back 582 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,600 Speaker 1: layers because at the core of it, if we think 583 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:52,160 Speaker 1: about the inner critic as as this like friendly entity 584 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,280 Speaker 1: that's trying to protect us but just doing it in 585 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:57,280 Speaker 1: a misguided kind of wonky way. It's trying to protect 586 00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 1: us from something, So we're trying to get at what 587 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,800 Speaker 1: it's trying to protect us from and understand that, like 588 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,400 Speaker 1: it's trying to like be like, hey, don't cross the street, 589 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,760 Speaker 1: You're gonna get hit by a bus. But it's like, well, 590 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:11,160 Speaker 1: there actually is no bus, right, And I like love 591 00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:14,280 Speaker 1: the idea of fear, pulling the fear into it, because 592 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,760 Speaker 1: fear is one of my favorite emotions because it usually 593 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:19,199 Speaker 1: pops up when something is really important to us. We 594 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:21,679 Speaker 1: don't get scared if we don't care. Essentially like that, 595 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:23,960 Speaker 1: I've never been scared about something I don't care about, 596 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:27,199 Speaker 1: and so okay, well, if that inner critic is like 597 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,080 Speaker 1: showing you that you're afraid, then it's also showing you 598 00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:32,880 Speaker 1: that you care about something. So can be like an 599 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,840 Speaker 1: alarm of like, hey, this is important to you. Hey, 600 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,600 Speaker 1: this is important to you. I want you to know that. 601 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,040 Speaker 1: So we can assign like, oh, when the critic pops up, 602 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:43,160 Speaker 1: it's because something is important. Okay, well, now that helps 603 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:46,000 Speaker 1: me find my values because that is very hard for 604 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,679 Speaker 1: people to figure out. Oh my god. Absolutely. And I 605 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,920 Speaker 1: think with a lot of my clients too, because there's often, 606 00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:54,760 Speaker 1: you know, when we're working in self worth, and especially 607 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,480 Speaker 1: I work with a lot of folks who would self 608 00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:59,760 Speaker 1: identify as being people pleasers. There is this way that 609 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,560 Speaker 1: I consider myself to be among this group as well. 610 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,080 Speaker 1: There's a way that we focus so much on what 611 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,960 Speaker 1: other people want, what other people need, what makes them happy, 612 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:11,199 Speaker 1: that we then completely disconnect from what matters to us. 613 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:14,359 Speaker 1: And so when someone's really deep in people pleasing or 614 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:16,760 Speaker 1: in codependency, even there is this sense like you can 615 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:19,160 Speaker 1: ask somebody like, well, you know what's important to you? 616 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:20,840 Speaker 1: Or you know, what do you want to do today 617 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,960 Speaker 1: or whatever, and they will literally answer about what someone 618 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,000 Speaker 1: else wants to do, because the sense of your own 619 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:30,160 Speaker 1: desires and needs and emotions is just so you've so 620 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,320 Speaker 1: detached from it. And I think that's something that comes 621 00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:35,359 Speaker 1: up here. So there's a you know, there's a way 622 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:38,720 Speaker 1: that the inner this inner critic work and this befriending 623 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,560 Speaker 1: of the inner critic that helps you reconnect with the 624 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,520 Speaker 1: emotion that's under there instead of just having it live 625 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,480 Speaker 1: in the thought, like the critical thought of your failure, 626 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:50,240 Speaker 1: you're this, You're that. It's then digging into Okay, where 627 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,200 Speaker 1: is that coming from? What's this trying to stop me 628 00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:55,040 Speaker 1: from doing? And why am I afraid of doing that thing? 629 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:58,360 Speaker 1: Is it because it's bringing up something traumatic for me? 630 00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:00,840 Speaker 1: Is it because it's crossing the boundary? Is it because 631 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,760 Speaker 1: I really really want this and I'm scared to want 632 00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:07,760 Speaker 1: something because I'm scared of being disappointed. It's giving you 633 00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:11,520 Speaker 1: clues exactly what you're saying about like about what you value, 634 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:14,720 Speaker 1: and that's triggering something. I love that idea that fear 635 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,320 Speaker 1: kind of gives you clues about what's important to you. 636 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,520 Speaker 1: There is a Tim I think it was a Tim 637 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:23,320 Speaker 1: Ferris podcast with Vince Vaughn. I've probably referenced this a 638 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:26,080 Speaker 1: million times because I love it. But apparently Vince Fawn 639 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,240 Speaker 1: had a TV show called Fearless. I never ever, I 640 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:31,600 Speaker 1: never heard of it until he was talking about it. 641 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:34,400 Speaker 1: But I think that like Tim Ferris had asked him, like, 642 00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:36,320 Speaker 1: what are you afraid of? Or what do you think 643 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:37,920 Speaker 1: people afraid of? I don't know what the question was, 644 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,600 Speaker 1: but he said he was like, I think that people 645 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,040 Speaker 1: the woods around what we're afraid of is scarier than 646 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:47,360 Speaker 1: actually the fear. And I love staying with the idea 647 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:49,560 Speaker 1: of like a breakup of like all the stuff we 648 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:54,000 Speaker 1: put up around being rejected is way bigger than like 649 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:57,080 Speaker 1: I've been rejected and it's hurt and it's been hard, 650 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:00,320 Speaker 1: and then I've moved on eventually, like you know, for it, 651 00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:03,240 Speaker 1: I've gotten over it every single time. But I put 652 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,840 Speaker 1: these trees in these blockers and all this stuff and 653 00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:08,800 Speaker 1: create this forest around being rejected when like rejected is 654 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:11,600 Speaker 1: actually a part of life. It just is just like 655 00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,680 Speaker 1: stubbing your toe. It's like and I wish it wasn't, 656 00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:17,720 Speaker 1: but you get rejected a million different ways every single 657 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:19,920 Speaker 1: week based on how our world works these days. And 658 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:23,000 Speaker 1: so we can get through that, but we create this 659 00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:27,200 Speaker 1: like whole forest around it. And so I used to 660 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:30,240 Speaker 1: do this exercise when I ran some groups at an 661 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:33,000 Speaker 1: io p here in Nashville, and I would have them 662 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:34,560 Speaker 1: draw that out, Like I would give them a big 663 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:36,120 Speaker 1: piece of paper and I'm like, I want you to 664 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,680 Speaker 1: draw your fear, and then I want you to draw 665 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,719 Speaker 1: the woods around the fear. And it was like they 666 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:43,120 Speaker 1: would go for days and I'm like, okay, times up 667 00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:45,520 Speaker 1: and they're like we're not done, and I'm like you've 668 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:49,480 Speaker 1: had an hour, like really, like you are making that 669 00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:52,680 Speaker 1: much stuff up up about this one little thing. And 670 00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:54,960 Speaker 1: usually they'd get done and they're like, yeah, it's not 671 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:57,560 Speaker 1: even the fear, it's the story and that story and 672 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,280 Speaker 1: that story and that story. And that's so I love 673 00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:02,920 Speaker 1: that and I totally want to borrow that analogy, like 674 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:05,120 Speaker 1: because I think it's so true and I think when 675 00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:06,960 Speaker 1: we think about it in a critic, I mean, I 676 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,800 Speaker 1: just think rejection is like one of the top fears period, 677 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:13,160 Speaker 1: but like, especially when folks are coming to me for 678 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,040 Speaker 1: you know, self worth work, rejection is the number one, 679 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:18,560 Speaker 1: Like it's the number one thing that people are like, 680 00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:21,520 Speaker 1: I will do anything to avoid it, but it's not 681 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:23,840 Speaker 1: actually like once you're able to actually get into the 682 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:28,680 Speaker 1: practice of like experiencing rejection and like identifying what actually 683 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:30,840 Speaker 1: is the rejection and exactly to your point, like what 684 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:32,960 Speaker 1: is the woods around it? Like what are you making 685 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:36,280 Speaker 1: it mean about yourself? What is the story bringing up 686 00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,600 Speaker 1: for you about things that have happened in your past 687 00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:41,720 Speaker 1: versus it being like literally just like it's okay if 688 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:45,400 Speaker 1: this one person doesn't like you, you'll like you'll be okay. 689 00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:47,719 Speaker 1: But I think because we have the woods around it 690 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:50,600 Speaker 1: and also that feel uncertain and that feel impossible to 691 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:53,160 Speaker 1: kind of like dig through and get to, yeah, it 692 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:55,880 Speaker 1: makes the fear seem bigger than it is. Yeah, And 693 00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,480 Speaker 1: there's an essence of putting so much value in other 694 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:03,040 Speaker 1: people's thoughts about us. You were rejecting ourselves first, and 695 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:06,320 Speaker 1: I learned that the hard way, as sometimes we need to. 696 00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:10,520 Speaker 1: But like when I started actually caring about myself, well, 697 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:13,080 Speaker 1: it still hurts when people reject me. Don't get me wrong, 698 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,440 Speaker 1: I don't like it, but it doesn't seem like my 699 00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:18,560 Speaker 1: world is gonna end and it doesn't change my my 700 00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:23,000 Speaker 1: opinions about myself. Don't waiver where ten years ago, well 701 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:26,120 Speaker 1: five years ago really like maybe even three years ago 702 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:29,760 Speaker 1: were being really somebody could break up with me and 703 00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:31,920 Speaker 1: I'm like, what did I do? You know, you go 704 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:33,360 Speaker 1: through the list of like, well, if I would have 705 00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:35,440 Speaker 1: said this differently, or maybe if I didn't ask that, 706 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:38,320 Speaker 1: or was I too needier? I was so selfish that 707 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:40,680 Speaker 1: one night, and we make up all these stories and 708 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 1: now I can be broken up with or a relationship 709 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:46,520 Speaker 1: can end, and it's like, oh, I don't know that 710 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:48,840 Speaker 1: that was so much about me, or maybe it wasn't 711 00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:50,800 Speaker 1: even about them. It was the fact that, like we 712 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:53,520 Speaker 1: both together didn't fit. There's nothing that I needed to 713 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:57,600 Speaker 1: change because there's nothing wrong with me before it's like, 714 00:32:57,800 --> 00:32:59,600 Speaker 1: oh my god, I have so much work to do, 715 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:02,560 Speaker 1: and it's like, oh my god, but you're rejecting yourself 716 00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:04,600 Speaker 1: in that sense. When you're putting so much weight on 717 00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:09,120 Speaker 1: other people's opinions, absolutely, their approval becomes more important than 718 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:12,520 Speaker 1: your authenticity. That needs to be a nice Instagram post. 719 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:16,560 Speaker 1: When I'm with authentic people, those are the people that 720 00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:19,280 Speaker 1: I like. It's not like I like funny people are 721 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:21,360 Speaker 1: like this kind of person. I like pretty people are 722 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:23,880 Speaker 1: like small people are like big people. It's like, I 723 00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:26,760 Speaker 1: like authentic people and I think too like when we 724 00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:28,280 Speaker 1: you know, And this is what I coach a lot 725 00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:30,760 Speaker 1: of folks around with people pleasing. It's this idea that like, 726 00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,960 Speaker 1: you're tweaking yourself to be different in every group that 727 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:35,720 Speaker 1: you're in, and it's kind of and I'm you know, 728 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 1: you're into the angiogram, right. I'm a two, which a 729 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:40,480 Speaker 1: lot of people pleasers are too, But I have a 730 00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:43,760 Speaker 1: three wing and my three wing is strong. Like I've 731 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:45,840 Speaker 1: thought at different points maybe I'm a three. I'm not. 732 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:48,080 Speaker 1: I'm a two but with a three wing, which means 733 00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:50,000 Speaker 1: that I'm, you know, the two part of me is 734 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:51,760 Speaker 1: the people pleaser part that I want to care about 735 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,360 Speaker 1: others subvert my own needs for other people. But the 736 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:56,480 Speaker 1: three is the like I am gonna like be the 737 00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:58,440 Speaker 1: best that I can be and I'm gonna be at 738 00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:00,880 Speaker 1: the top in every different setting. And that a lot 739 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:02,920 Speaker 1: of that is like the shadow side is like putting 740 00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:05,760 Speaker 1: on a mask in every different scenario and not ever 741 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:08,120 Speaker 1: knowing who the real you is. It becomes true of 742 00:34:08,239 --> 00:34:11,680 Speaker 1: people pleasing behavior because you're kind of showing up as 743 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:14,000 Speaker 1: who you think people want you to be, and what's 744 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:17,000 Speaker 1: going to keep other people the most comfortable. Exactly to 745 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:20,000 Speaker 1: your point, you've already rejected you. You're not even giving 746 00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:23,080 Speaker 1: them a chance to reject you, because that's not you. 747 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:27,600 Speaker 1: They don't even know you. Right, Obviously, I'm gonna have 748 00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:29,880 Speaker 1: you back because I think we're getting all of the 749 00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:33,680 Speaker 1: things so well, yeah, to have you back, what is it? 750 00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:37,800 Speaker 1: Will you just shout out your Instagram, your podcast people 751 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:40,600 Speaker 1: can get in contact with you. Yeah, so folks can 752 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:43,440 Speaker 1: you can find me? I'm most active on Instagram. So 753 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,640 Speaker 1: I'm at Aubrey It's spelled A four H is b 754 00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:50,040 Speaker 1: r E Aubrey and um you find me. I'm on 755 00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:53,319 Speaker 1: Facebook as well at Aubrey Henderson Coaching. My website is 756 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:56,480 Speaker 1: Aubrey Henderson dot com. And so I do offer one 757 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,960 Speaker 1: on one coaching virtually to folks literally anywhere in the world, 758 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:02,719 Speaker 1: So please do reach out about that. I offer a 759 00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:05,480 Speaker 1: consult for free to just chat and see if we 760 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:07,479 Speaker 1: would be a good fit. So folks should definitely feel 761 00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:09,920 Speaker 1: free to take advantage of that, so have a weekly podcast. 762 00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:12,279 Speaker 1: It's called Ask Aubrey. You can find it just about 763 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:15,799 Speaker 1: anywhere that podcast live. Yeah, I think that's about it. Yeah, 764 00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:19,040 Speaker 1: so go find her because she's awesome obviously, and I'm 765 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,440 Speaker 1: so glad that we did this, Like this should have 766 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:22,880 Speaker 1: been done a while ago, but I'm kind of The 767 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:25,279 Speaker 1: timing actually is really nice. I can't wait to do 768 00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:28,960 Speaker 1: some more. Thank you, you have a good weekend. Bye 769 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:29,440 Speaker 1: by