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Speaker 1: Misspelling with Tory Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast.

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Speaker 2: Brian and I you know how close briand and I

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Speaker 2: are and I tell him everything, like I'll text him

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Speaker 2: and like we're brother and sister and like best friend's

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Speaker 2: so close that we can have that connection, Like what

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Speaker 2: was this the reason? Maybe the you know, your relationship

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Speaker 2: didn't work because of this? And I'm like no, no, no no.

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Speaker 2: And I'm able to talk about things that you know

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't be able to with him years ago. Anyway,

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Speaker 2: recently we were talking about my situation and being in

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Speaker 2: love and being crushed and being hurt and moving on

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Speaker 2: and now being single and the next chapter of my life.

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Speaker 2: And he's been so great and such a champion, and

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Speaker 2: you know, at times he gives me such inspiring, you

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Speaker 2: know words of you can do it professionally and personally.

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Speaker 2: And we made some commentary and I was saying, like, no,

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Speaker 2: I was in love. I don't know, maybe I wasn't

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Speaker 2: in love. I'm not sure. No one's broken in my

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Speaker 2: heart since you. And there was like pause, pause, and

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Speaker 2: I was like, oh my god, this is the first

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Speaker 2: time life said this to him in thirty years. And

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Speaker 2: I just took a beat, and I said just kidding,

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Speaker 2: And I was like, I go, you may smile, and

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Speaker 2: he just put haha, and then we went right back

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Speaker 2: to talking about shit something else. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Right, So how do you feel because you were with

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Speaker 1: Dean for eighteen years five kids?

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Speaker 2: Correct? How? I mean? Maybe?

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Speaker 1: Because I feel like I'm still adjusting and going through

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Speaker 1: I wasn't with somebody for eighteen years. I think we

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Speaker 1: were married for we were together for I think fourteen

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Speaker 1: years total.

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Speaker 2: It's a lot, yeah, same, But.

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Speaker 1: How is it being single? Like? How was that adjustment

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Speaker 1: for you? Because I think to be with somebody for

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Speaker 1: that long and you trust someone to that degree and

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Speaker 1: then that trust obviously be broken and choose to stay

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Speaker 1: and sort of fight for the relationship and then for

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Speaker 1: it to end up not surviving regardless, How are you

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Speaker 1: adjusting to getting into that single world again? And have

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Speaker 1: you changed more importantly to our have you changed your

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Speaker 1: bullet list of what a man has to have? Or

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Speaker 1: are you still running towards the friggin red flags?

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Speaker 2: Because I've read more to the red flag.

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Speaker 1: Every one of our boyfriends probably could stand up to

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Speaker 1: a certain degree and have a red flag on them.

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Speaker 2: Red flags, I mean.

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Speaker 1: Maybe, but we probably also had red flags on us.

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Speaker 2: Not us why that were enablers.

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Speaker 1: No, I do you think that by the very nature

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Speaker 1: of our jobs, by the very nature of the immense

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Speaker 1: amount of pressure that you face at an incredibly young age,

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Speaker 1: the fact that you're not really having like a normal

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Speaker 1: social life, a normal social dynamic with people. And then

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Speaker 1: you know the press, like the stories that would come

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Speaker 1: out in the newspaper, and yes, you know your friends,

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Speaker 1: your publicists would say, you know, today's paper is tomorrow's

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Speaker 1: you know, kitty litter or lighting.

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Speaker 2: Right, my daddy say, if they're talking about your baby,

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Speaker 2: it's good. Let them talk bad or good and good press,

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Speaker 2: bad press good.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Unfortunately that's not true because that crushes your soul.

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Speaker 1: When it's bad press, it hurts so bad. So for

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Speaker 1: I think all of those reasons, we probably had some

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Speaker 1: red flags because we had a little bit of trauma.

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Speaker 1: I had a little bit of an ego and trauma there,

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Speaker 1: you know. But that doesn't mean that now in our fifties,

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Speaker 1: that we can't change that. So have you changed it?

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Speaker 1: Are you looking for something different in your life than

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Speaker 1: you've looked for in the past.

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Speaker 2: I don't know yet, Like it's also fresh. I'm not

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Speaker 2: sure what I even want. But one of my biggest fears,

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Speaker 2: and this perhaps did make me stay longer, is I

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Speaker 2: feel like in our world, it's very difficult to not

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Speaker 2: it's difficult to be with a man and have him

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Speaker 2: not feel emasculated, and not by our doing, but by

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Speaker 2: who we are. You know, have been labeled in society,

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Speaker 2: and we're not just women that make money. We're women

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Speaker 2: that have power or women that have fame, and I

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Speaker 2: don't know any different. Like I feel guilty, like how

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Speaker 2: am I ever going to be with a man and

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Speaker 2: he doesn't feel like less than me just because of

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Speaker 2: my status.

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Speaker 1: Because there's men out there who don't care about that.

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Speaker 2: But how can Okay, there.

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Speaker 1: Are men that don't care, or there are men that

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Speaker 1: have their own status maybe in a completely different field, right,

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Speaker 1: maybe a man is a you know, partner at like

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Speaker 1: one of the top law firms. So everything he did

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Speaker 1: going to school, graduating, like everything that he did being

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Speaker 1: an intern working his way up the ladder, has shown

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Speaker 1: that he's a really hard worker with a ton of

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Speaker 1: perseverance and believes in himself enough in order to get there.

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Speaker 1: So you could work at Frontier and work your way up.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. I think it's for I think it's

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Speaker 1: anybody that has strong work ethic and who has achieved

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Speaker 1: success in whatever they choose to do is going to

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Speaker 1: have their own status. Yes, it's very hard to be with,

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Speaker 1: you know, a woman who can get a reservation at

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Speaker 1: any restaurant. Yes, it's hard to be you know, with

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Speaker 1: a woman as a man where you walk down the

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Speaker 1: street and you know people are stopping her. But I

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Speaker 1: also believe that there are men out there who would

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Speaker 1: take such great pride in being you know, I had

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Speaker 1: going back to my second ex husband who said to

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Speaker 1: me how proud he was to be married to me,

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Speaker 1: and that I think helped me, and it was very recent. Go, well,

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Speaker 1: that's what I want. I want a man who's proud

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Speaker 1: of being with me and would do wouldn't she, wouldn't lie,

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Speaker 1: wouldn't do any of these things because he's so scared

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Speaker 1: of losing me. But also a man that's really proud

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Speaker 1: of my success and what I accomplish. And that's kind

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Speaker 1: of what I want you to be looking for right now.

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Speaker 1: Not a man that you can dominate, not a man

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Speaker 1: that puts you down, not a man that has any

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Speaker 1: red flags.

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Speaker 2: At this point in my life. And this is all

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Speaker 2: I know right now. I disagree with you, and it's

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Speaker 2: only because I hear everything you are saying and I

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Speaker 2: agree with that. But sometimes are personal and you know,

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Speaker 2: we all have our personal stuff that we've carried through life,

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Speaker 2: through family, and you know, what we've learned, what we've

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Speaker 2: created nature versus you know, nurture, like who knows. But

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Speaker 2: I don't know if a man with you status, or

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Speaker 2: has his own thing, or is proud to be with me,

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Speaker 2: can still overcome the fact of a woman being I

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Speaker 2: don't know. I don't know this. That is depression a woman.

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Speaker 1: I mean, that's depressing to think that that's not possible.

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Speaker 2: Fear.

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Speaker 1: Okay, can I give you an example?

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Speaker 2: Yes? Please?

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Speaker 1: Do you really think Keith Urban worries about Nicole Kidman?

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Speaker 1: Do you really think Keith Urban is masculated by Nicole Kidman?

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Speaker 2: Maybe?

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Speaker 1: I don't think so.

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Speaker 2: How do you know?

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Speaker 1: I just don't think so. I think that they both

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Speaker 1: seem extremely happy and yes, okay, so I'm giving a

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Speaker 1: you know, superstar rare couple ks right like he's a

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Speaker 1: ginormous country star and rock star. He's everything, and she's

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Speaker 1: one of our most talented actresses of all time. But

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Speaker 1: I went to somebody's seven eighth birthday in Tennessee and

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Speaker 1: they had Keith play at the party, and he was

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Speaker 1: so joyous on the stage and there was just so

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Speaker 1: much confidence that I can't imagine that that guy is

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Speaker 1: worried or feels less than because he's with Nicole Kidman.

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Speaker 1: I think they compliment each other and probably support each

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Speaker 1: other and feel like they're equals. So it is possible

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Speaker 1: in my opinion.

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Speaker 2: Hmm.

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Speaker 1: I'm I and I really pray that it's possible, because

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Speaker 1: if it's not possible, then, like I said, that's incredibly depressing,

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Speaker 1: so incredibly depressing. How long have you been like separated?

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Speaker 2: Four June, so it'll yeah, it'll be a year in June.

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Speaker 1: And the divorce is the divorce final?

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Speaker 2: No, I just filed recently, that's right. But I don't know.

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Speaker 2: And this I hate to put in terms of this

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Speaker 2: and men are gonna hate me up, but like caveman terms,

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Speaker 2: but it's like the need and a man is still there.

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Speaker 2: There's you know, obviously there's rarities and maybe Keith Urban,

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Speaker 2: you know, is the exception not the rule. But I

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Speaker 2: don't know I feel like it's ingrained in their soul

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Speaker 2: and they sometimes can't help it because they always have

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Speaker 2: that inner need that you know, goes to be the protector,

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Speaker 2: the provider, provider, right, So if you're not the provider,

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Speaker 2: what is your worth? And I think that's something that

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Speaker 2: men don't even realize because every guy I've ever been

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Speaker 2: in a relationship with, I always say, there's a lot

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Speaker 2: of shit that goes along with me. There's you know,

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Speaker 2: I'm sorry, there's you know, there's the tory spelling of

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Speaker 2: it all, and I would like apologize for it. And

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Speaker 2: I don't know if you want to get involved with this.

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Speaker 2: And they all say they can handle it, but you

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Speaker 2: know what it's like with ones that can't, and it

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Speaker 2: becomes too much like people don't and especially like you're saying,

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Speaker 2: like a lawyer or something that's way not in this world,

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Speaker 2: imagine like paparazzi and like jumping out at you and

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Speaker 2: like you know, stories written every day, makeup shit and

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Speaker 2: people saying stuff I mean not saying, imagine you live

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Speaker 2: this life, Like we know, how can a man be

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Speaker 2: like whoa? I mean, I guess they could be like whoa.

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Speaker 2: I didn't expect this, but I'm rolling with it.

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Speaker 1: It's hard, yeah, I mean, listen, I don't think it's

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Speaker 1: not not hard, right I do. I think it's very hard.

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Speaker 1: But guess what, maybe it's really hard for me to

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Speaker 1: be with somebody who has a nine to five job

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Speaker 1: because I want to you know, I don't have nine

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Speaker 1: to five. I want to do stuff in the middle

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Speaker 1: of the afternoon. Maybe I feel limited by their career

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Speaker 1: or whatever. But if I care enough about them, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to adjust. I'm going to make it work. You know. Again,

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Speaker 1: Let's take the attorney and I'm using the word attorney

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Speaker 1: because I still to this day cannot say lawyer without

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Speaker 1: my Southern accent coming up. So I'm just keep on

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Speaker 1: using that professions as my example. He could make me

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Speaker 1: feel inferior because he knows so much more about the

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Speaker 1: law and everything that you know there are. It's both

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Speaker 1: sides the things that can trigger the other one. So

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Speaker 1: I and I get what you're saying, right, because I've

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Speaker 1: I've had a couple of people try to set me

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Speaker 1: up on dates recently, not even that, just over the

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Speaker 1: last six months or so, and I said no at

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Speaker 1: first because I felt not ready. And then I said no,

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Speaker 1: because one was a blind date and I was.

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Speaker 2: Like, no, that's not fair.

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Speaker 1: You can't set somebody up with me and them not No,

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Speaker 1: see like that. That is not fas.

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Speaker 2: It's one of those circumstances.

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Speaker 1: But my thing is not about who I am. My

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Speaker 1: thing is about cancer. You can't set me up on

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Speaker 1: a date without letting that person know because somebody has

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Speaker 1: just to decide if they want to spend time with

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Speaker 1: somebody who has a time clock. So I understand what

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Speaker 1: you're saying because I can kind of look at it

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Speaker 1: from that standpoint. But I've never felt like I've never

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Speaker 1: felt like someone couldn't take prior to cancer, couldn't be

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Speaker 1: couldn't handle being in my life. But the way they

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Speaker 1: can't get and if they can't handle who I am,

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Speaker 1: get the fuck out because in that case.

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Speaker 2: Once you're attached, I know you've better than that.

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Speaker 1: Not true, yeah, but that's why those relationships end. Because

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Speaker 1: don't punish me for what I've accomplished. Don't make me

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Speaker 1: try to be smaller because I've had success because I'm

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Speaker 1: as you know, I'm the first person to try to

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Speaker 1: build anyone up. I'm the first person to be like

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Speaker 1: I want to share my success with you. I want

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Speaker 1: to make you as successful as me. More so, I

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Speaker 1: want to get you to avoid all the mistakes that

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Speaker 1: I made. So I do that with my friends, and

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Speaker 1: I do that with the men in my life. So

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Speaker 1: then if they still can't handle it, then then you're like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: it ended, and it's a good thing that it ended,

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Speaker 1: because that's what's making them feel emasculated. Then they're just

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Speaker 1: not seeing the benefit.

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Speaker 2: I wonder if it wasn't maybe it was me the

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Speaker 2: whole time. No, no, me, of course it was me, though.

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Speaker 1: It's not just you.

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Speaker 2: But because I've always been worried about that, you put

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Speaker 2: it out there, I'm proactive, and I preemptively make myself

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Speaker 2: small and plummet myself and sabotage myself.

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Speaker 1: You also put the plan in their brain that it's

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Speaker 1: going to be a problem, Like why are you giving

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Speaker 1: them Like you're literally planting the seed in their brain

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Speaker 1: and then you're fertilizing it and putting water on it

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Speaker 1: as opposed to.

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Speaker 2: I miss being fertile.

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Speaker 1: If it's not an issue for you, then don't make

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Speaker 1: it an issue for them.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I won't, but I'm still and don't ever.

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Speaker 1: Make yourself small for anyone. That's like I've been telling

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Speaker 1: you that for thirty freakin years.

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Speaker 2: You really have? Yeah, I didn't listen, No, maybe this

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Speaker 2: tie let's hope. Yeah, yeah, we just have to go

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Speaker 2: over like you need a new list. List a list.

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Speaker 1: You need a new list, a list of do's and

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Speaker 1: don'ts of If they do any of this, you're not

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Speaker 1: even entertaining them.

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Speaker 2: I can't do this.

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Speaker 1: You have to otherwise you're just going to make say

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Speaker 1: the same mistakes, just like me. I have a list.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: My first glass is if you ever cheated, I'm probably

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Speaker 1: never going to date you. That's that's like kind of

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Speaker 1: my you.

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Speaker 2: They never cheated, How do you know for a fact

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Speaker 2: if they've ever cheated on someone, that's the relationship.

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Speaker 1: That's true. They also tell you they're not married, so

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Speaker 1: you know, it's a very, very very dating is tricky. Listen,

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Speaker 1: I'm I am so happy now. I climb into bed

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Speaker 1: and the other side is taken, and it's warm, and

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Speaker 1: it's perfect, and it's miss Bowie my talk.

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Speaker 2: It's always better that way with animals in the bed.

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Speaker 1: She doesn't kick me, she doesn't hog the bed, she

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Speaker 1: doesn't take the covers. She lays there. The most she

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Speaker 1: does is like get up and make a circle and

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Speaker 1: then like lay right back down. She loves sleeping in late.

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Speaker 2: I hate being in bed with someone and having them

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Speaker 2: wrapped around you and have to sleep. But I was

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Speaker 2: so conditioned that that meant he likes me. I'm worthy.

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Speaker 2: And this isn't just my marriage, this is my whole

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Speaker 2: past right that you know, as a woman, I'm conditioned,

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Speaker 2: Like you know, we're in bed, I'm supposed to act

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Speaker 2: a certain way and supposed to hit like a checklist

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Speaker 2: in my mind of what a sexy female should do

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Speaker 2: forgetting about like what about you're really smart, you're really funny.

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Speaker 2: That stands for something too, that should be at the

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Speaker 2: top of your fucking list, Like but that comes now.

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Speaker 2: But I'm like, god, yeah, And then afterwards, you know,

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Speaker 2: they're like curled up around you and I would just

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Speaker 2: be laying there for hours and I'd be like suffocating, suffocating,

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Speaker 2: and I hate it and I hate sleeping with somebody.

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Speaker 2: But I always like let that define me that. I

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Speaker 2: was like, oh, you're supposed to so I yeah, welcome

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Speaker 2: partners that like don't like like being like I cannot

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Speaker 2: stand cuddling First of all, I get so cutlet at

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Speaker 2: night that I have the AC and sixty one, I

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Speaker 2: have a fan blowing directly on my face.

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Speaker 1: Was this always or I've always run very hot at

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Speaker 1: night and always needed AC and fans. But my god,

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Speaker 1: somebody wrapped around me like an octopus. It freaks me

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Speaker 1: out and I feel claust tophobic. I think that there's

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Speaker 1: a certain amount of time for cuddling and then you

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Speaker 1: go to your side of the bed. I'll go to mine,

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Speaker 1: or better yet, go to the guest bedroom.

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Speaker 2: I know another room. Yeah, way better my next partner.

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Speaker 2: I'll never adhere to that. I'm telling you this is

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Speaker 2: what makes.

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Speaker 1: Them make them listen to this episode.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's the new things wore. You date me?

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Speaker 1: You have to listen to my entire podcast so that

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Speaker 1: you can learn all about me.

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Speaker 2: Great, I'm gonna be single forever now.

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Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with being single, though, I mean, do

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Speaker 1: you really feel like you feel lonely?

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Speaker 2: No?

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Speaker 1: And people keep.

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Speaker 2: Saying like, oh, it's because you don't want to be alone.

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Speaker 2: It's not. I mean, I have five kids at home. Shyeh,

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Speaker 2: You're never alone. I'm never alone, and I actually it's

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Speaker 2: not that part. I just feel somewhere ingrained in me.

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Speaker 2: They have that need that I'm supposed to. I'm not

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Speaker 2: good enough if I'm not adored by a man or

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Speaker 2: don't have a man's attention. I hate that. Yeah, I

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Speaker 2: don't want that to define me.

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Speaker 1: I think being adored by your friends is way more

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Speaker 1: important because your friends are, you know, at least the

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Speaker 1: friends that you should have in your life. Yeah, I'm

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Speaker 1: probably the ones that you have now, like currently today.

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Speaker 1: Those are the ones that should be one hundred percent

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Speaker 1: honest with you. So if your friends adore you, then

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Speaker 1: that's so much more important than a partner adore you

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Speaker 1: because there's no sort of messiness there, and your friends

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Speaker 1: are seeing the real you at all times, and if

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Speaker 1: they can accept the real you, with your faults, your pluses,

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Speaker 1: your all of it, then that's so much more important.

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Speaker 1: I hear you.

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Speaker 2: Oh am I ever going to be touched again? What

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Speaker 2: are you talking about? But I see the way like

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00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,239
Speaker 2: you Chris, her best friend touch each other, and I'm like,

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Speaker 2: that's amazing. You guys have that relationship because you're still

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Speaker 2: able to like have that if you want to.

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Speaker 1: Like, yeah, I mean he holds my hand and he

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Speaker 1: puts his arm around me, so sure I have it

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Speaker 1: feels physical perfection, physical, but I also I also don't

345
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,080
Speaker 1: care about like sex is just no longer the most

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Speaker 1: important thing. And maybe it's because of you know, how

347
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Speaker 1: my marriage ended. Maybe it's because of cancer, maybe it's age.

348
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Speaker 1: Maybe it's just me saying, well that just really, in

349
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Speaker 1: the grand scheme of things, doesn't mean that much. Like

350
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Speaker 1: having a best friend in your life, whether you're intimate

351
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Speaker 1: with them or not, is so much more important to

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Speaker 1: me that And yes, there are moments where I'm like,

353
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Speaker 1: I wish I had a boyfriend, and then I get

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Speaker 1: over it very quickly, and I'm like, you know what,

355
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Speaker 1: I'm really glad that I don't have a boyfriend and

356
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Speaker 1: that I have a lot of affection from, you know,

357
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Speaker 1: a couple of my exes also, like I can call

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Speaker 1: them at any point the day or night and have

359
00:19:30,119 --> 00:19:32,960
Speaker 1: conversations and it always ends with like, hey, I love you.

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Speaker 1: I love that, And that's really I guess I'm getting

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Speaker 1: whatever I need from the most important people in my

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Speaker 1: life now, so I don't need it from an outside source.

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Speaker 1: And I'm thinking that that's probably when I'll have.

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Speaker 2: My healthiest relationship once that you've let that completely go,

365
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Speaker 2: which sounds like you have. Yeah. Yeah, I mean you're ready.

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Speaker 1: I just have to learn a trust again.

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Speaker 2: That's a tough one.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right.

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Speaker 2: Once that's broken, it's hard. Yeah. I mean. Also, we

370
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,760
Speaker 2: grew up in a time like I don't know, I

371
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,359
Speaker 2: mean nine oh two to zero, Like everything a boy

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Speaker 2: did on set defined you, like the tension, right, And

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Speaker 2: I know I'm fifty now, I was eighteen then, but

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Speaker 2: it still sticks in me. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Well, we also grew up in a time where the

376
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Speaker 1: men were always right. The men could basically do no wrong.

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Speaker 1: The men were the quarterbacks. The men were paid the most,

378
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Speaker 1: you know, when when they had an issue with a

379
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:36,200
Speaker 1: line or something on the job, they weren't called difficult

380
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,880
Speaker 1: or a bitch, right, They were, you know, a hard

381
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Speaker 1: worker who cared about you know, the show.

382
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Speaker 2: Yes.

383
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,640
Speaker 1: But meanwhile, we had an issue with something we were

384
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:49,000
Speaker 1: either bullied into, like you with your wardrobe, like nobody

385
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,719
Speaker 1: would listen to you and I would have to champion

386
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,000
Speaker 1: for you and be like yeah, no, no, no, she

387
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,960
Speaker 1: shouldn't be wearing that, or me just being called a

388
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,879
Speaker 1: bitch because like this line is really stupid, or this

389
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,680
Speaker 1: episode is stupid and like this is Brenda would never

390
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,919
Speaker 1: do this, Like why are you making Brenda this? You know,

391
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:10,199
Speaker 1: very dramatic, angsty girl, Like nobody's going to end up

392
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:14,200
Speaker 1: liking her. He's that I hate Brenda newsletter that also

393
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:17,600
Speaker 1: hated Shanna Doherty. You know, like that's the era that

394
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:22,480
Speaker 1: we grew up in, so I of course it trickled

395
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,400
Speaker 1: into our personal lives and how we think we're supposed

396
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:35,600
Speaker 1: to be as women. Like you, no wonder why you

397
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,280
Speaker 1: feel like you have to have this checklist of here's

398
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:39,920
Speaker 1: how I'm supposed to be in bed, Here's how I'm

399
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:43,600
Speaker 1: supposed to cook food, Here's how I'm supposed to you know,

400
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,640
Speaker 1: this is how I'm supposed to mother, so that that

401
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:47,919
Speaker 1: man can look at me and say I have the

402
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,000
Speaker 1: perfect It's almost like the mentality of a fifties housewife

403
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,240
Speaker 1: while being able to still go out and make money.

404
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:57,520
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, and you know what the giggle I gave

405
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,000
Speaker 2: back then not so cute on a fifty year old woman,

406
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:03,720
Speaker 2: and like, but I not so cute anymore. I'm having

407
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:07,560
Speaker 2: to relearn everything because I fall back on that because

408
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,680
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, you know, the boys used to It'll

409
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:12,119
Speaker 2: be like oh cutes giggle, and I'd be like, I'll

410
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,159
Speaker 2: do it. I'd be like, who is that? Yeah, and

411
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,359
Speaker 2: then I'm like, oh, this is this is my voice.

412
00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:21,120
Speaker 1: Now it's just like, oh, you just swinging all over

413
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:21,639
Speaker 1: the place.

414
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,080
Speaker 2: You're like on brand on brand for tour.

415
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:28,680
Speaker 1: But here's what I love hearing from you is that

416
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:34,440
Speaker 1: you recognize it. So that's the first step to adjusting

417
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:39,960
Speaker 1: yourself a little bit, is recognizing that, you know, you've

418
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:45,520
Speaker 1: never really owned your power, and and you've always been insecure,

419
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,919
Speaker 1: and you've always had a little bit of fear, and

420
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,960
Speaker 1: you've always settled for a lot less than you deserved,

421
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:54,800
Speaker 1: and it's time to change that, and you're on the

422
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:55,359
Speaker 1: right track.

423
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Speaker 2: It might scare a lot of people.

424
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Speaker 1: If I own my power, I would love to say that.

425
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Speaker 1: I think it would be amazing.

426
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm my own worst th and me. We all are.

427
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:10,720
Speaker 2: We're our toughest critic.

428
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:15,000
Speaker 1: We are toughest critic. But I mean, without going to specifics,

429
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,120
Speaker 1: there are so many situations that you've had to deal

430
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:22,360
Speaker 1: with in your life and even present life, that you

431
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:27,719
Speaker 1: kind of you let it happen to you and you

432
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Speaker 1: don't you don't stop it and say, you know, what,

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00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:32,640
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. You can't do this to me, and if

434
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,359
Speaker 1: you do do it, here's the response. It's gonna like

435
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,960
Speaker 1: this is what's gonna happen. And I get it. It

436
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,040
Speaker 1: has never been your personality. Yeah, I would just love

437
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:44,520
Speaker 1: to see you dig a little deeper and find like

438
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,600
Speaker 1: you have power in you. You just haven't tapped into

439
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:48,320
Speaker 1: it fully.

440
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:51,119
Speaker 2: Because I apologize for everything, I'm like, oh sorry, And

441
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:53,920
Speaker 2: if I do give my opinion and I am strong,

442
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:57,200
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh sorry afterwards, because that makes it better.

443
00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,800
Speaker 2: I'm not fucking sorry, like I am not sorry, I

444
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:02,879
Speaker 2: say sorry.

445
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:07,240
Speaker 1: So why don't let's have that be? The first thing

446
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:11,919
Speaker 1: that you change is that you stop saying sorry. Listen,

447
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:14,920
Speaker 1: you do something horrible, you apologize for it, but giving

448
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,680
Speaker 1: your opinion is not horrible. Giving your opinion is your

449
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:21,000
Speaker 1: god given right. So you can give your opinion and

450
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 1: just not say sorry. And you know what, You can

451
00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:26,040
Speaker 1: give your opinion and maybe somebody doesn't like it, maybe

452
00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:28,680
Speaker 1: your producer doesn't like it, maybe you know your mom

453
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,600
Speaker 1: doesn't like it, maybe you're soon to be ex husband

454
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:35,840
Speaker 1: doesn't like it, but it's your opinion, therefore it's valid.

455
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:40,280
Speaker 1: And by you saying I'm sorry. Right afterwards, you literally

456
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,920
Speaker 1: are taking away you're taking your own validation away, which

457
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:44,840
Speaker 1: is crazy.

458
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,160
Speaker 2: But you learn from what you see. Keep in mind,

459
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:52,080
Speaker 2: thirty years ago, what I saw was someone giving their

460
00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:55,679
Speaker 2: opinion and you were shamed for it, no, and ruined

461
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,479
Speaker 2: for it. So keep in mind that's a lot of

462
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:02,120
Speaker 2: we look up to the strong females in our lives,

463
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:06,679
Speaker 2: and you were that for me, and seeing that that

464
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,720
Speaker 2: was hard. That made it harder to be like, oh,

465
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,320
Speaker 2: I got to find a nice way to say it

466
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 2: and still get you know, cert my passion and what

467
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:20,840
Speaker 2: I want in my drive, but in a cute, nice way,

468
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:24,240
Speaker 2: because you can't just be us and be like, here's

469
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:24,760
Speaker 2: how it is.

470
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,920
Speaker 1: And you saw me get like literally run over for it.

471
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:28,359
Speaker 2: Correct.

472
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:32,080
Speaker 1: But you also had a mom who to me seemed

473
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:36,240
Speaker 1: very strong, really strong, like yes and no really.

474
00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:38,160
Speaker 2: She would say sorry to my dad all the time,

475
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:42,399
Speaker 2: really really strong, but when it came to him and

476
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:47,840
Speaker 2: personal stuff, and my parents never fought you probably I never, never,

477
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:52,560
Speaker 2: but it was, you know, my dad would say something,

478
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,080
Speaker 2: give his opinion, and I would hear her say sorry,

479
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,679
Speaker 2: and I was like, as I got older, I was like,

480
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,520
Speaker 2: she can't mean sorry, She's not wrong, you know, and

481
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,760
Speaker 2: it was nothing major, but that also got ingrained in me,

482
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,280
Speaker 2: Like you know, a man says I'm you're just like,

483
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:08,439
Speaker 2: oh sorry, sorry, I don't have a right to speak,

484
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,919
Speaker 2: what of course you do. And my mom was like

485
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:15,000
Speaker 2: my dad's biggest champion. She was always you know, yeah,

486
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,199
Speaker 2: she was. They would go places, they were like a

487
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 2: team and you know, he was super creative. But they

488
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:24,040
Speaker 2: would go places and be like, you know, there'd be people,

489
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,680
Speaker 2: entertainment people in the room, and in his ear very quickly,

490
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:28,040
Speaker 2: she'd be like, this is so and so this is

491
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:30,640
Speaker 2: what they did. This is like she knew everything going on.

492
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,960
Speaker 2: And I would hear those stories and be like, oh,

493
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,520
Speaker 2: she's so strong. I would see her at home giving

494
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:40,200
Speaker 2: her opinions, you know, about watching you know, film and

495
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,640
Speaker 2: tape on somebody, and she was so smart and so savvy.

496
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,400
Speaker 2: And then to hear her say sorry at times, I'd

497
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,240
Speaker 2: be like, it was a mixed message. So I think

498
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,199
Speaker 2: I get a lot of it from there, But I

499
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:53,920
Speaker 2: know in my head through my marriage, Dean would say

500
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,480
Speaker 2: stuff and I'd be like, sorry, I'm sorry, and he's like,

501
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,520
Speaker 2: why are you getting like that? You're acting like a

502
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,960
Speaker 2: battered woman, right, I've never and he didn't.

503
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:03,600
Speaker 1: No, he never did know.

504
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:06,720
Speaker 2: And I'd be like, I'd have to think, I don't

505
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,200
Speaker 2: know where that's coming from. And then I would be like, oh,

506
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:11,160
Speaker 2: my mom would do that with my dad. My dad

507
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 2: was an abusive with my mom, she'd be like, sorry, sorry,

508
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 2: just to smooth things over, right.

509
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:21,840
Speaker 1: You're a pleaser. You just don't want confrontation. Yeah, you

510
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:25,920
Speaker 1: want everything to be super smooth, which is, by the way,

511
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:26,440
Speaker 1: not life.

512
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:31,880
Speaker 2: Hate confrontation, don't I Yeah, yeah.

513
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 1: You will do anything to avoid confrontation. But giving your

514
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,679
Speaker 1: opinion is not confrontation, right, Like, giving your opinion just

515
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:39,760
Speaker 1: means that you have a brain and of a thought

516
00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:44,240
Speaker 1: and means you have an opinion. That that's it. Like

517
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,719
Speaker 1: if you don't have an opinion on anything, or if

518
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:50,200
Speaker 1: you're constantly apologizing for your opinion, don't you think people

519
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:52,919
Speaker 1: at some point like you even be like, God, just

520
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:55,639
Speaker 1: s girl have a thought on anything? And I know

521
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 1: you do, so I imagine you want the rest of

522
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,800
Speaker 1: the world to know that as well. And it's not

523
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:05,359
Speaker 1: like people don't see how creative you are. You've you've

524
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:09,560
Speaker 1: managed to, you know, stay in the limelight. You've managed

525
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:12,440
Speaker 1: to keep on earning money, take care of your kids,

526
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:17,600
Speaker 1: work constantly while raising five children. Somebody like you has

527
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:20,600
Speaker 1: to have an opinion, so just give it. Stop saying sorry.

528
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,719
Speaker 1: I feel like you were about to say okay, sorry,

529
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:27,960
Speaker 1: butting it up here. I could all work around see

530
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,879
Speaker 1: it coming out of your mouth, and I was like, yeah, no,

531
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:30,880
Speaker 1: that's not happening.

532
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:40,520
Speaker 2: Hey, Shan, not sorry