WEBVTT - This Was All Supposed to be Secret 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:02.800 Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. 0:00:04.240 --> 0:00:08.600 This episode contains discussion of suicide. Listener discretion is advised. 0:00:13.280 --> 0:00:16.280 It had taken me years to understand that not everyone 0:00:16.400 --> 0:00:20.160 was adopted and that babies did not magically appear in crips. 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:24.640 My friend's mothers had swollen with pregnancy, and I had learned, 0:00:24.680 --> 0:00:28.760 at age ten, shockingly about the details of reproduction from 0:00:28.840 --> 0:00:33.080 the Breading Your Keyshn chapter of Our Dog Book. My 0:00:33.200 --> 0:00:36.080 heart stuttered in my chest as my fingers walked through 0:00:36.080 --> 0:00:41.919 the cards ad adoption, The Search for Anna Fisher by 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:45.360 Florence Fisher. I wrote down the book's number and pursued 0:00:45.400 --> 0:00:48.440 it like a treasure hunt. Through the stacks. I pulled 0:00:48.440 --> 0:00:51.879 out a thick book with a green cloth cover. On 0:00:51.960 --> 0:00:55.360 the first page, the epigraph shook me. Oh, why does 0:00:55.400 --> 0:00:58.680 the wind blow upon me so wild? Is it because 0:00:58.800 --> 0:00:59.880 I'm nobody's child? 0:01:02.200 --> 0:01:06.120 That's Susan kiyo Eto, author of the recent memoir I 0:01:06.120 --> 0:01:09.840 Would Meet You Anywhere. Susan's is the story of an 0:01:09.959 --> 0:01:14.920 unfolding secret upon secret upon secret, one unlocking the next 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:18.280 over the course of many years. It's also the story 0:01:18.319 --> 0:01:22.480 of courage and persistence and an overpowering desire to know 0:01:22.560 --> 0:01:39.160 one's own history. I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is family secrets, 0:01:39.600 --> 0:01:41.920 the secrets that are kept from us, the secrets we 0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:45.399 keep from others, and the secrets we keep from ourselves. 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:54.400 I grew up in a small town where my parents 0:01:54.920 --> 0:01:58.680 got this house right after I was adopted because the 0:01:58.840 --> 0:02:00.840 social worker told them that I had to have my 0:02:00.880 --> 0:02:03.480 own room, and prior to that they had lived in 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:07.840 a one bedroom apartment. So they bought this house in 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:11.520 this small little town in New Jersey, and we were 0:02:11.520 --> 0:02:14.360 the only Asian family in that town for a really 0:02:14.400 --> 0:02:18.680 long time. There was no black families or Latino families 0:02:18.720 --> 0:02:22.760 at that time. It was a very homogeneous town. So 0:02:23.120 --> 0:02:25.800 when I went to school, it was me just playing 0:02:25.840 --> 0:02:28.960 with the other kids in the neighborhood. On the weekends, though, 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:32.200 we spent a lot of time with my Japanese American 0:02:32.880 --> 0:02:37.399 extended family cousins, aunts and uncles, and then we went 0:02:37.480 --> 0:02:41.080 to a Japanese American church in New York City, which 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:42.760 took us an hour to get there, and we would 0:02:42.800 --> 0:02:46.840 spend like six hours. It was a marathon situation every week, 0:02:47.400 --> 0:02:53.680 which I objected to very strenuously. It was important for them. 0:02:54.200 --> 0:02:55.960 It was the three of you, right. 0:02:56.639 --> 0:02:59.919 Yes, I was an only child. I consider ms I'm biracial, 0:03:00.400 --> 0:03:02.520 and so I feel like my life felt very half 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:06.200 in half, Like I had my school week life with 0:03:06.480 --> 0:03:09.200 all the people in this little town, and then I 0:03:09.240 --> 0:03:12.720 had my weekend life, and they were so different, but 0:03:13.320 --> 0:03:16.000 they were both really important parts of my existence. 0:03:17.240 --> 0:03:20.040 So you knew from as early as you can remember 0:03:20.200 --> 0:03:21.760 that you were adopted, is that right? 0:03:22.600 --> 0:03:22.840 Yes? 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:25.520 Did you also know that you were half Japanese and 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:26.919 half not Japanese? 0:03:27.280 --> 0:03:29.680 I did. I mean, I think I was very conscious 0:03:29.720 --> 0:03:31.799 from a very young age that I did not look 0:03:31.880 --> 0:03:35.560 like my parents. I felt different from them. So I 0:03:35.680 --> 0:03:37.480 was very aware. And then they would say too. They 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:40.040 would say things like, oh, you're humbun humbun, which means 0:03:40.040 --> 0:03:40.640 half and half. 0:03:41.680 --> 0:03:44.880 Tell me about your mom, your adoptive mother, Kikuko. 0:03:45.680 --> 0:03:48.680 She's a character. She was a real tough cookie. She 0:03:48.880 --> 0:03:52.600 was like under five feet tall, but very tough, and 0:03:52.680 --> 0:03:55.800 she would put up with no nonsense, but very loving. 0:03:56.280 --> 0:03:59.560 She was born in Brooklyn, and you could tell from 0:03:59.600 --> 0:04:02.240 the minute she opened her mouth. She sounded like, I 0:04:02.320 --> 0:04:04.560 want to say, Robert de Niro, own taxi driver, although 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:06.600 I don't even remember what that sounds like, but she 0:04:06.640 --> 0:04:09.320 would be like, what's the matter with you? Where you go? 0:04:09.480 --> 0:04:13.320 What's going on? She was just very rough. She grew 0:04:13.400 --> 0:04:16.120 up on the streets of Brooklyn with her two brothers, 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:19.000 who were also very tough, and she had to stand 0:04:19.080 --> 0:04:22.200 up for herself when people would meet her. Her voice 0:04:22.279 --> 0:04:24.880 was not what one would expect coming out of her mouth. 0:04:25.120 --> 0:04:28.279 People were often like, wait, what's going on here? 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:31.400 And your dad, Massagie, what was he like? 0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:38.640 He was a salesman and the most gregarious charismatic. He 0:04:38.720 --> 0:04:42.720 was just larger than life, super friendly and like. He 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:46.360 could sell you the Brooklyn Bridge. He could sell you anything, 0:04:47.120 --> 0:04:50.920 and you would gladly buy a dozen of whatever it 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:54.080 was he was selling. He was a traveling salesman. In 0:04:54.160 --> 0:04:59.799 his territory was the southeast, like Virginia through Georgia, Kentucky 0:05:00.160 --> 0:05:03.440 all that, and he would sell souvenirs to gift shops 0:05:03.640 --> 0:05:08.160 on I ninety five and Stucky stores, those little spoons 0:05:08.200 --> 0:05:12.920 that say state of South Carolina or Georgia, or those 0:05:13.560 --> 0:05:18.359 felt banners and anything like that. He would sell. Gift 0:05:18.360 --> 0:05:20.760 shops was his thing, and he would pack up his 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:26.240 car with sample boxes and sell his wares. 0:05:26.360 --> 0:05:28.760 And so He'd be gone for chunks of time. 0:05:29.200 --> 0:05:33.120 Huge chunks, and I didn't really understand until I was 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:36.280 an adult when he would say, I'm so lucky. Those 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:39.160 guys they only get two three weeks of vacation a year, 0:05:39.240 --> 0:05:44.200 but I get twelve weeks of vacation. And that sounded impressive, right, 0:05:44.360 --> 0:05:48.160 But what I really put together was that meant that 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:50.960 forty weeks out of the year he wasn't living at home. 0:05:51.279 --> 0:05:53.679 I knew that other dads would come on the commuter 0:05:53.720 --> 0:05:56.120 train from New York City and they would have dinner 0:05:56.200 --> 0:05:58.800 at home every night. And for my dad, it was 0:05:58.839 --> 0:06:00.839 like when he came, he would home for a week, 0:06:00.960 --> 0:06:02.640 and then he would be gone for two weeks and 0:06:02.640 --> 0:06:05.000 they would come back for five days. I think it 0:06:05.040 --> 0:06:06.680 really was hard on my mom. 0:06:06.839 --> 0:06:08.880 And your father fought in the. 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:12.640 War, he did. He enlisted and was part of the 0:06:12.640 --> 0:06:16.359 four four second, which was the all Japanese regimen of 0:06:16.400 --> 0:06:20.360 the military, and he was in Italy for three years, and. 0:06:20.320 --> 0:06:23.200 That was considered to be a really legendary unit, right, 0:06:23.240 --> 0:06:24.440 the four to four second. 0:06:24.520 --> 0:06:28.560 Quite legendary and as they used to say, the most decorated. 0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:31.800 And another thing. As child, I was like, oh, fancyist 0:06:32.240 --> 0:06:34.680 the most decorated must have had the most medals, But 0:06:35.120 --> 0:06:37.640 I didn't realize that also meant the most casualties. 0:06:40.200 --> 0:06:42.960 When Susan is quite young, her mom casually mentions the 0:06:43.040 --> 0:06:45.800 name of the adoption agency from which they adopted her, 0:06:46.360 --> 0:06:50.560 Spence Chapin. Though this information is dropped into a conversation 0:06:50.680 --> 0:06:54.159 like it's no big deal, its implications in Susan's life 0:06:54.400 --> 0:06:58.000 are a very big deal. This information plants the seed 0:06:58.080 --> 0:07:02.320 of curiosity and long to know more about her origins. 0:07:04.120 --> 0:07:08.799 My parents spoke about the agency and also the social worker, 0:07:08.920 --> 0:07:12.560 Crystal Breeding. Yes it's a real name, Crystal Breeding, Like 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:15.200 she was this legendary person in their minds. She was 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:18.680 the person who brought me to them and who made 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:21.720 it possible for us to be a family. And my 0:07:21.880 --> 0:07:25.040 dad had a picture of Crystal Breeding, the social worker, 0:07:25.080 --> 0:07:27.760 holding me in his wallet. He carried it around and 0:07:27.800 --> 0:07:29.920 he would open it up and he would show me, Oh, 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:33.600 there's Crystal Breeding. She's why you're here. And both her 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:37.800 name and the name of the agency loomed large in 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:41.840 my imagination. So it wasn't a secret that I was adopted. 0:07:41.920 --> 0:07:45.160 Clearly this woman had a lot to do with it, 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:47.960 and they would talk about how she would come and 0:07:47.960 --> 0:07:50.640 do the white glove test in their apartment to make 0:07:50.680 --> 0:07:54.720 sure that they were up to snuff, and it was 0:07:54.760 --> 0:07:57.920 a big deal for them to have gone through this 0:07:57.960 --> 0:08:01.120 process with her, which took over ten years. 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:05.800 When Susan's around twelve years old, she's in the library 0:08:05.880 --> 0:08:09.560 one day and her curiosity and longing lead her to 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:13.080 the card catalog. Up until this point, she has known 0:08:13.120 --> 0:08:16.600 about her adoption, but not much about adoption in general. 0:08:17.240 --> 0:08:20.960 What is it really there, she discovers a book called 0:08:21.240 --> 0:08:23.960 The Search for Anna Fisher by Florence Fisher. 0:08:25.760 --> 0:08:28.600 It was a huge moment. I remember the feeling of 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:31.960 the card catalog, those blonde wood catalogs and with the 0:08:31.960 --> 0:08:35.199 little cards, and when I saw adoption and that there 0:08:35.240 --> 0:08:38.080 was a book about adoption, it was like scary for 0:08:38.120 --> 0:08:40.320 me to look that word up, to be like, what 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:43.400 does this even mean? Reading it, I was shocked. It 0:08:43.520 --> 0:08:46.920 was really radical, This whole idea of like I have 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:50.480 the right to see my birth certificate, I have the 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:52.840 right to know where I came from, And that was 0:08:52.880 --> 0:08:55.480 planted really early. That was planted at the moment I 0:08:55.480 --> 0:08:58.360 saw that book. And in the back of the book 0:08:58.400 --> 0:09:02.000 it said Florence Fisher is the founder of ALMAH, the 0:09:02.080 --> 0:09:07.160 Adoptee's Liberty Movement Association, which also sounded extremely radical. And 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:11.400 I wrote to them immediately saying, help me. I want 0:09:11.400 --> 0:09:13.640 to be part of this. I want to know more 0:09:13.720 --> 0:09:16.559 about where I came from too, And they wrote back 0:09:16.679 --> 0:09:20.400 right away. This was all like with a typewriter, in 0:09:20.600 --> 0:09:24.960 envelopes and stamps and things. And they wrote back and said, 0:09:25.280 --> 0:09:28.480 we understand how you feel, but we really we can't 0:09:28.480 --> 0:09:31.520 help you till you're eighteen. As soon as I turned eighteen, 0:09:31.559 --> 0:09:34.439 I wrote to them again and they said, come on down. 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:38.800 We can help. We have a support group and consultants, 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:40.680 and we'll help you. 0:09:43.760 --> 0:09:46.720 During this time. Susan is a student at Ethica College. 0:09:47.240 --> 0:09:51.280 Perhaps unsurprisingly, she has found herself drawn to studying certain 0:09:51.320 --> 0:09:56.000 subjects that mirror her own life experiences. She is extremely 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:59.600 interested in the psychology of family. For instance, she studies 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:04.040 and writes papers on adoption. So when Alma tells her 0:10:04.080 --> 0:10:07.200 to come on down, she does. She also calls and 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.959 visits the adoption agency her mother had mentioned all those 0:10:10.040 --> 0:10:11.760 years ago, it Spen's Chapin. 0:10:13.120 --> 0:10:16.200 I called and they said, yes, we have records that 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:19.360 you came through our adoption agency, and Crystal Reading had 0:10:19.400 --> 0:10:22.080 long retired. She wasn't there anymore. But I met with 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:25.880 somebody else and it turned out that it felt more 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:30.080 like she was interrogating me than giving me information. And 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:33.319 she spent a lot of time asking me about how 0:10:33.520 --> 0:10:36.520 was it growing up in your family? Oh, you had 0:10:36.559 --> 0:10:39.719 a dog, Oh, you went on vacations, you went to camp. Oh, 0:10:39.760 --> 0:10:41.920 you must have had a great life. And she really 0:10:41.960 --> 0:10:45.040 wanted to hear about what a success story I was, 0:10:45.559 --> 0:10:48.320 which is great for her. But then when it came 0:10:48.360 --> 0:10:52.680 to me asking questions, she was very stingy in her 0:10:53.160 --> 0:10:56.640 offering anything to me. But they have a phrase called 0:10:56.720 --> 0:11:00.280 non identifying information, so she gave me a few you 0:11:00.360 --> 0:11:04.560 little titbits. She said, your mother was Japanese, which I 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:08.040 had known, and she just gave me a few little crumbs. 0:11:08.120 --> 0:11:11.320 And it was a really frustrating experience for me because 0:11:11.360 --> 0:11:14.960 I had been, of course, hoping for more answers and 0:11:15.000 --> 0:11:15.800 they were not to come. 0:11:16.360 --> 0:11:19.160 Yeah, you describe her as sitting on the other side 0:11:19.160 --> 0:11:22.760 of a desk from you and leafing through this big 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:26.280 fat folder, and you know, it's almost as if she 0:11:26.360 --> 0:11:28.240 was going, Oh, I can tell her this and then 0:11:28.280 --> 0:11:31.319 again like, oh this little morsel. So at this point, 0:11:31.320 --> 0:11:34.080 you hadn't told your parents that you were doing this, 0:11:34.200 --> 0:11:35.360 so you write them a letter. 0:11:36.000 --> 0:11:38.679 Yes, I sent them this letter saying I love you, 0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:41.400 but this is something I have to do. And my mother, 0:11:41.559 --> 0:11:45.240 in her fantastic prickle accent, called up and said, what 0:11:45.360 --> 0:11:49.000 took you so long? We've been waiting for this. I 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:52.199 was shocked because we hadn't ever talked about it. They 0:11:52.240 --> 0:11:55.080 had talked about Spence Japin, and they talked about other 0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:57.280 kids who were adopted, and every once in a while 0:11:57.360 --> 0:12:00.360 I would say, do you know anything about my mother? 0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:03.880 And they basically said they didn't know much, and they 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:06.080 were just like, what can we do for you? And 0:12:06.280 --> 0:12:08.600 it blew my mind, And I think about it now 0:12:08.679 --> 0:12:11.560 and it blows my mind even more because I know 0:12:12.000 --> 0:12:16.240 so many adoptive families don't react like that. I've been 0:12:16.280 --> 0:12:19.520 in conversation with hundreds of adoptees now and I know 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:23.480 that their reaction is unusual, and I feel so grateful 0:12:23.600 --> 0:12:26.320 to them. The support groups that the first thing you 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:29.760 need is your adoption papers, your official adoption papers, which 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:33.960 says the child X y Z will forever now be 0:12:34.040 --> 0:12:37.720 known as ABC, and this is the change of name. 0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:42.040 And my parents never had been given this. It was 0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:45.600 part of the sealed records, but they said sometimes adoptive 0:12:45.679 --> 0:12:47.800 parents had them and if they didn't, they could call 0:12:48.240 --> 0:12:53.560 the courthouse where it was finalized and ask for the papers, 0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:56.200 and that's what my mother did. So I said, this 0:12:56.240 --> 0:12:58.400 is something you can do for me. It's a suggestion 0:12:58.559 --> 0:13:02.240 that I heard and if it works, great, and they 0:13:02.240 --> 0:13:04.600 were like, sure, we'll do that, no problem, And so 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:06.920 I told them what to say, and they called up, 0:13:07.040 --> 0:13:10.040 and then a week later I had my adoption papers, 0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:12.800 which had my original birth name, which none of us 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:16.720 had ever known or seen before. It was Mika no Gucci. 0:13:18.679 --> 0:13:22.720 Susan endeavors down the road of next steps. First, she 0:13:22.840 --> 0:13:25.080 calls the hospital where she was born to get her 0:13:25.080 --> 0:13:28.360 birth records, but she has to concoct a story to 0:13:28.440 --> 0:13:32.040 make sure they release them, so she lies and tells 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:34.480 them she's pregnant, which is why she needs her medical history. 0:13:35.360 --> 0:13:38.800 The hospital says, no problem, absolutely, we'll send those right 0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:42.000 over to your obgyn. Please give us their contact information. 0:13:43.160 --> 0:13:46.840 But Susan hadn't prepared to include this level of detail 0:13:46.920 --> 0:13:50.360 into her lie, so she reaches for the nearby phone 0:13:50.360 --> 0:13:53.520 book and randomly picks the name of a local obgim 0:13:54.040 --> 0:13:58.160 and provides that contact information. Well, great, the hospital will 0:13:58.200 --> 0:14:00.679 send the records. But now she's really in the belly 0:14:00.720 --> 0:14:03.000 of the lie and needs to figure out how in 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:06.000 the world she will actually get these records from this 0:14:06.120 --> 0:14:10.240 random OBGYN of whom, of course she's never been a patient. 0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:14.960 Yeah, So after I realized what I had done, I 0:14:15.080 --> 0:14:18.160 was really plorrified, like, now what am I going to do? 0:14:18.679 --> 0:14:22.360 Now this obgyn is going to have my records? And 0:14:22.400 --> 0:14:23.720 how am I going to get them? What is the 0:14:23.760 --> 0:14:29.720 next step? So I called that office and I continued 0:14:29.760 --> 0:14:33.640 my fabricated story of being pregnant and hearing that my 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:38.240 mother had complications and pregnancy and it would be helpful 0:14:38.840 --> 0:14:41.240 and I needed to be seen, and so they made 0:14:41.280 --> 0:14:44.960 me appointment and then I went, and I really was 0:14:45.080 --> 0:14:48.480 in that moment in the doctor's office. They told me 0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:51.480 to take off my everything from the waist down and 0:14:51.800 --> 0:14:54.880 get up on the examining table with the stirrups and everything. 0:14:54.920 --> 0:14:58.880 And I was just like, Oh my gosh, what am 0:14:58.920 --> 0:15:01.080 I going to do here? And I thought, if I 0:15:01.160 --> 0:15:05.440 tell the truth, these papers, these records could just slip 0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:08.080 away and I'll never get another chance. This is it. 0:15:08.880 --> 0:15:11.720 And so you know how in a doctor's office there's 0:15:11.880 --> 0:15:16.360 a little folder container outside the door. So I I 0:15:16.560 --> 0:15:19.800 never took my clothes off. I just grabbed the file, 0:15:20.240 --> 0:15:23.960 put it under my coat and quickly walked out, and 0:15:24.000 --> 0:15:26.480 I said to the receptionist, I just need to get 0:15:26.480 --> 0:15:28.800 something from my car. I'll be right back. And I 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:32.240 race walked out to my car and threw it in 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:35.200 the seat and just drove off as fast as I could. 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:39.240 And that was how I got those records which had 0:15:39.440 --> 0:15:42.200 my birth mother's name. I think about it now and 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:46.160 I can't even believe that whole thing happened. I was like, 0:15:46.600 --> 0:15:48.920 I am like breaking the law. What am I doing here? 0:15:49.160 --> 0:15:50.920 Is this a crime? Is this? What am I going 0:15:50.960 --> 0:15:53.080 to jail for this? What did I do? I was 0:15:53.200 --> 0:15:56.000 terrified and my heart was pounding so hard. But then 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:57.320 there it was. I had it. 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:05.280 So now finally Susan has this pivotal piece of information, 0:16:05.880 --> 0:16:09.760 the name of her birth mother, Yumiko Nagucci. But when 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:13.080 it comes to taking a next step to somehow using 0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:16.400 this pivotal piece of information, Susan solicits the help of 0:16:16.400 --> 0:16:19.040 one of her coworkers. She's working at a deli at 0:16:19.040 --> 0:16:23.200 the time. A man named Henry, whose personality seems perfectly 0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:25.200 suited for this kind of hunt for truth. 0:16:26.720 --> 0:16:30.600 He was somebody who was very detail oriented. He was 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:34.800 really into UFOs. That was like his thing, and he 0:16:35.000 --> 0:16:39.040 had this system little cards or something where there were 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:42.600 UFO sightings. He was like a fanatic in this very 0:16:42.640 --> 0:16:44.480 focused way. And he was like, well, what are you 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:47.280 obsessed with? And I was like, oh, I'm obsessed with 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:50.280 finding my mother. And then when I told him, he 0:16:50.960 --> 0:16:53.800 was immediately interested and well, what do you know? What 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:56.400 do you have? What do you got? And I told 0:16:56.480 --> 0:16:59.720 him about my whole story and how far I had 0:16:59.720 --> 0:17:02.720 gotten so far that I had my adoption record, I 0:17:02.760 --> 0:17:05.960 had the hospital record, I had her name, and that 0:17:06.080 --> 0:17:08.200 I was like, now what do I do. I'm stuck. 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:12.040 I didn't really know the next step. And he said, well, 0:17:12.080 --> 0:17:13.800 give me what you got and I'll see what I 0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:19.080 can and he went and scoured every phone book from 0:17:19.280 --> 0:17:22.920 the country or something and found people with her name. 0:17:23.280 --> 0:17:26.480 I was flabbergasted. But it took hours, and I think 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:29.560 I had narrowed it to a certain part of the country, 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:34.600 and so he focused there. He founded her. So it 0:17:34.680 --> 0:17:37.639 turned out it was just a wild coincidence that I 0:17:37.680 --> 0:17:41.800 had already made plane reservations to go to the city 0:17:41.960 --> 0:17:45.120 over spring break to visit my high school friend. And 0:17:45.520 --> 0:17:48.359 so I totally lost my nerve at that point because 0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:50.720 I felt like I was so close and I was, 0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:53.840 and so I begged my friend to call for me, 0:17:54.520 --> 0:17:59.679 and she did and confirmed that this was indeed the person. 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:02.879 And at first she did not have a good response 0:18:03.040 --> 0:18:06.160 to the phone call. She was not happy about it, 0:18:06.680 --> 0:18:09.639 and my friend, she said she sounded tipped off, and 0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:13.800 I was just crushed the fact that she would be 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:17.720 upset at being contacted. When I was doing my research 0:18:17.760 --> 0:18:21.119 for my psychology family class and I was doing my 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:25.520 paper on adoption, I read this book about adoptees in 0:18:25.560 --> 0:18:30.080 England who had open records and so suddenly in the 0:18:30.119 --> 0:18:33.280 seventies they were able to make contact. They had ten 0:18:33.400 --> 0:18:36.359 case studies and eight of them were horrible. Oh, this 0:18:36.440 --> 0:18:40.240 person found out that their mother had taken their own life. 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:44.680 This person found out that they were in a psychiatric institution. 0:18:45.200 --> 0:18:49.520 They weren't happy endings. And I really tried to brace 0:18:49.600 --> 0:18:53.080 myself that I wasn't going to have a good outcome. 0:18:53.680 --> 0:18:56.240 I really tried to try on all these things and say, 0:18:56.600 --> 0:18:58.600 how would I feel if I found this, How would 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:01.480 I feel if this happened. I tried them all on 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:04.720 and ultimately decided it was still worth it. But I 0:19:04.760 --> 0:19:08.080 still wanted to do it. I tried to prepare and 0:19:08.160 --> 0:19:10.359 so then I flew to that city. And when I 0:19:10.440 --> 0:19:14.800 got there, my friend said that she had called and 0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:17.199 left a note saying that she would be willing to 0:19:17.240 --> 0:19:19.480 meet me, and she said, go to this hotel at 0:19:19.480 --> 0:19:22.800 this time and go to the room under this name. 0:19:23.320 --> 0:19:24.080 I was shocked. 0:19:27.680 --> 0:19:37.520 We'll be right back. When Susan arrives at the Holiday Inn, 0:19:37.960 --> 0:19:41.439 the front desk tells her that Yumako Nogucci is waiting 0:19:41.480 --> 0:19:45.600 for her in her room. Shaken but excited, Susan gets 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:48.359 in the elevator and goes up. She knocks on the 0:19:48.400 --> 0:19:51.720 hotel room door, and when it opens, there she is 0:19:52.560 --> 0:19:55.200 Susan is seeing her birth mother for the first time. 0:19:56.880 --> 0:19:59.880 It was really been out of body experience. I think 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:02.000 one of the first things I noticed that we were 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:04.960 exactly the same height, and then I started taking in 0:20:05.040 --> 0:20:08.560 different parts of her face, looking at her cheeks and 0:20:08.600 --> 0:20:11.720 her nose and her lips. And feeling like there was 0:20:11.760 --> 0:20:16.800 something there that I recognized. She had this impeccable haircut 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:23.080 and beautiful nails, and just a beautiful suit with fancy 0:20:23.160 --> 0:20:25.440 jewelry that looked like it came out of a museum. 0:20:25.760 --> 0:20:29.600 It just dazzled me. My adoptive mother dressed very plainly, 0:20:30.440 --> 0:20:32.840 and it was just very different. I think she was 0:20:33.000 --> 0:20:36.399 very utilitarian in her dress and her style, and my 0:20:36.480 --> 0:20:40.879 birth mother to me, just seemed glamorous. I was blown away. 0:20:41.440 --> 0:20:44.560 I also could tell that she wasn't like, Hey, come 0:20:44.600 --> 0:20:47.760 on in, I'm happy to see you. It was tense. 0:20:48.280 --> 0:20:51.000 She felt completely betrayed and felt that she had been 0:20:51.040 --> 0:20:54.800 promised I suppose by the agency that this was going 0:20:54.840 --> 0:20:57.399 to be her secret, and that it wasn't going to 0:20:57.440 --> 0:20:59.479 come out and nobody would know. 0:21:00.119 --> 0:21:03.280 She says to you, this was all supposed to be secret, 0:21:03.480 --> 0:21:06.800 and she's upset. Something that was supposed to be secret 0:21:07.080 --> 0:21:11.840 has been laid bare. This wasn't her narrative how things 0:21:11.840 --> 0:21:13.959 were going to go. She also tells you during that 0:21:14.000 --> 0:21:18.000 meeting that you never crossed her mind. In twenty one years, 0:21:18.320 --> 0:21:22.440 there's a lot of twists and turns in your interactions 0:21:22.520 --> 0:21:25.280 with your birth mother, and you know, it's sort of 0:21:25.320 --> 0:21:27.800 like that old thing that people say of everything you 0:21:27.880 --> 0:21:30.520 need to know about like the person that you marry, 0:21:30.680 --> 0:21:32.840 if you go back to your first date, it's all there. 0:21:33.160 --> 0:21:33.880 So true. 0:21:34.000 --> 0:21:36.920 I do think that's true of first dates and marriages, 0:21:37.400 --> 0:21:40.720 but it's true of it seems true of your relationship 0:21:40.800 --> 0:21:43.800 with your birth mother. That kind of everything that then 0:21:43.920 --> 0:21:49.480 plays out for the rest of your relationship is already 0:21:49.520 --> 0:21:53.520 present in that first bunch of hours that you spend together. 0:21:55.520 --> 0:21:59.720 Everything. Yeah, it was like a microcosm of the next 0:22:00.359 --> 0:22:05.440 forty five years. We went through so many different seasons 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:07.840 and phases during that one meeting. But I think when 0:22:07.880 --> 0:22:12.639 I started showing her pictures, like childhood pictures, because you know, 0:22:12.680 --> 0:22:16.440 here I was twenty years old and she hadn't known 0:22:16.520 --> 0:22:19.919 what had happened to me since I was born. So 0:22:20.000 --> 0:22:22.360 I brought family pictures also, so I could show her 0:22:22.880 --> 0:22:24.879 this is the family I grew up with, this was 0:22:24.920 --> 0:22:28.119 my life. And I think that made her happy. I 0:22:28.160 --> 0:22:30.960 think there were things that she felt that she connected to. 0:22:31.240 --> 0:22:34.240 She was glad. She was glad to see that I'd 0:22:34.240 --> 0:22:36.159 had the life that I had, and I think it 0:22:36.320 --> 0:22:39.280 softened her quite a bit. And also she didn't know 0:22:39.400 --> 0:22:43.119 that I was adopted by Japanese American parents. They knew 0:22:43.160 --> 0:22:46.399 that she was Japanese, but she didn't know where I 0:22:46.520 --> 0:22:50.399 ended up, and so she had no idea that I 0:22:50.440 --> 0:22:52.679 was raised in this family. And I think there was 0:22:52.720 --> 0:22:55.800 something about that that made her really happy, that softened her, 0:22:55.880 --> 0:22:59.280 and she became more comfortable as we found that we 0:22:59.320 --> 0:23:01.240 had things in common, and as we got to know 0:23:01.320 --> 0:23:05.280 each other, we started to develop a little connection. We 0:23:05.359 --> 0:23:08.000 had lunch and then we were walking around a little 0:23:08.000 --> 0:23:11.600 bit and there was an ice cream stand nearby, and 0:23:11.720 --> 0:23:15.200 we both simultaneously ordered the same flavor of ice cream, 0:23:15.960 --> 0:23:18.800 and we both looked at each other, what did you say? 0:23:19.040 --> 0:23:22.560 And we just started laughing and making jokes about, oh, 0:23:22.640 --> 0:23:25.639 is this genetic ice cream preference? And I think we 0:23:25.640 --> 0:23:28.480