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Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 2: This episode contains discussion of suicide. Listener discretion is advised.

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Speaker 1: It had taken me years to understand that not everyone

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Speaker 1: was adopted and that babies did not magically appear in crips.

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Speaker 1: My friend's mothers had swollen with pregnancy, and I had learned,

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Speaker 1: at age ten, shockingly about the details of reproduction from

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Speaker 1: the Breading Your Keyshn chapter of Our Dog Book. My

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Speaker 1: heart stuttered in my chest as my fingers walked through

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Speaker 1: the cards ad adoption, The Search for Anna Fisher by

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Speaker 1: Florence Fisher. I wrote down the book's number and pursued

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Speaker 1: it like a treasure hunt. Through the stacks. I pulled

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Speaker 1: out a thick book with a green cloth cover. On

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Speaker 1: the first page, the epigraph shook me. Oh, why does

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Speaker 1: the wind blow upon me so wild? Is it because

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Speaker 1: I'm nobody's child?

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Speaker 2: That's Susan kiyo Eto, author of the recent memoir I

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Speaker 2: Would Meet You Anywhere. Susan's is the story of an

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Speaker 2: unfolding secret upon secret upon secret, one unlocking the next

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Speaker 2: over the course of many years. It's also the story

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Speaker 2: of courage and persistence and an overpowering desire to know

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Speaker 2: one's own history. I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is family secrets,

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Speaker 2: the secrets that are kept from us, the secrets we

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Speaker 2: keep from others, and the secrets we keep from ourselves.

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Speaker 1: I grew up in a small town where my parents

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Speaker 1: got this house right after I was adopted because the

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Speaker 1: social worker told them that I had to have my

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Speaker 1: own room, and prior to that they had lived in

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Speaker 1: a one bedroom apartment. So they bought this house in

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Speaker 1: this small little town in New Jersey, and we were

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Speaker 1: the only Asian family in that town for a really

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Speaker 1: long time. There was no black families or Latino families

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Speaker 1: at that time. It was a very homogeneous town. So

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Speaker 1: when I went to school, it was me just playing

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Speaker 1: with the other kids in the neighborhood. On the weekends, though,

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Speaker 1: we spent a lot of time with my Japanese American

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Speaker 1: extended family cousins, aunts and uncles, and then we went

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Speaker 1: to a Japanese American church in New York City, which

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Speaker 1: took us an hour to get there, and we would

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Speaker 1: spend like six hours. It was a marathon situation every week,

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Speaker 1: which I objected to very strenuously. It was important for them.

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Speaker 2: It was the three of you, right.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I was an only child. I consider ms I'm biracial,

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Speaker 1: and so I feel like my life felt very half

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Speaker 1: in half, Like I had my school week life with

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Speaker 1: all the people in this little town, and then I

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Speaker 1: had my weekend life, and they were so different, but

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Speaker 1: they were both really important parts of my existence.

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Speaker 2: So you knew from as early as you can remember

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Speaker 2: that you were adopted, is that right?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 2: Did you also know that you were half Japanese and

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Speaker 2: half not Japanese?

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Speaker 1: I did. I mean, I think I was very conscious

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Speaker 1: from a very young age that I did not look

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Speaker 1: like my parents. I felt different from them. So I

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Speaker 1: was very aware. And then they would say too. They

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Speaker 1: would say things like, oh, you're humbun humbun, which means

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Speaker 1: half and half.

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Speaker 2: Tell me about your mom, your adoptive mother, Kikuko.

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Speaker 1: She's a character. She was a real tough cookie. She

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Speaker 1: was like under five feet tall, but very tough, and

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Speaker 1: she would put up with no nonsense, but very loving.

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Speaker 1: She was born in Brooklyn, and you could tell from

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Speaker 1: the minute she opened her mouth. She sounded like, I

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Speaker 1: want to say, Robert de Niro, own taxi driver, although

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Speaker 1: I don't even remember what that sounds like, but she

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Speaker 1: would be like, what's the matter with you? Where you go?

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Speaker 1: What's going on? She was just very rough. She grew

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Speaker 1: up on the streets of Brooklyn with her two brothers,

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Speaker 1: who were also very tough, and she had to stand

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Speaker 1: up for herself when people would meet her. Her voice

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Speaker 1: was not what one would expect coming out of her mouth.

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Speaker 1: People were often like, wait, what's going on here?

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Speaker 2: And your dad, Massagie, what was he like?

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Speaker 1: He was a salesman and the most gregarious charismatic. He

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Speaker 1: was just larger than life, super friendly and like. He

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Speaker 1: could sell you the Brooklyn Bridge. He could sell you anything,

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Speaker 1: and you would gladly buy a dozen of whatever it

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Speaker 1: was he was selling. He was a traveling salesman. In

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Speaker 1: his territory was the southeast, like Virginia through Georgia, Kentucky

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Speaker 1: all that, and he would sell souvenirs to gift shops

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Speaker 1: on I ninety five and Stucky stores, those little spoons

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Speaker 1: that say state of South Carolina or Georgia, or those

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Speaker 1: felt banners and anything like that. He would sell. Gift

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Speaker 1: shops was his thing, and he would pack up his

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Speaker 1: car with sample boxes and sell his wares.

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Speaker 2: And so He'd be gone for chunks of time.

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Speaker 1: Huge chunks, and I didn't really understand until I was

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Speaker 1: an adult when he would say, I'm so lucky. Those

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Speaker 1: guys they only get two three weeks of vacation a year,

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Speaker 1: but I get twelve weeks of vacation. And that sounded impressive, right,

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Speaker 1: But what I really put together was that meant that

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Speaker 1: forty weeks out of the year he wasn't living at home.

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Speaker 1: I knew that other dads would come on the commuter

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Speaker 1: train from New York City and they would have dinner

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Speaker 1: at home every night. And for my dad, it was

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Speaker 1: like when he came, he would home for a week,

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Speaker 1: and then he would be gone for two weeks and

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Speaker 1: they would come back for five days. I think it

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Speaker 1: really was hard on my mom.

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Speaker 2: And your father fought in the.

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Speaker 1: War, he did. He enlisted and was part of the

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Speaker 1: four four second, which was the all Japanese regimen of

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Speaker 1: the military, and he was in Italy for three years, and.

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Speaker 2: That was considered to be a really legendary unit, right,

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Speaker 2: the four to four second.

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Speaker 1: Quite legendary and as they used to say, the most decorated.

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Speaker 1: And another thing. As child, I was like, oh, fancyist

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Speaker 1: the most decorated must have had the most medals, But

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Speaker 1: I didn't realize that also meant the most casualties.

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Speaker 2: When Susan is quite young, her mom casually mentions the

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Speaker 2: name of the adoption agency from which they adopted her,

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Speaker 2: Spence Chapin. Though this information is dropped into a conversation

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Speaker 2: like it's no big deal, its implications in Susan's life

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Speaker 2: are a very big deal. This information plants the seed

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Speaker 2: of curiosity and long to know more about her origins.

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Speaker 1: My parents spoke about the agency and also the social worker,

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Speaker 1: Crystal Breeding. Yes it's a real name, Crystal Breeding, Like

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Speaker 1: she was this legendary person in their minds. She was

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Speaker 1: the person who brought me to them and who made

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Speaker 1: it possible for us to be a family. And my

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Speaker 1: dad had a picture of Crystal Breeding, the social worker,

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Speaker 1: holding me in his wallet. He carried it around and

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Speaker 1: he would open it up and he would show me, Oh,

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Speaker 1: there's Crystal Breeding. She's why you're here. And both her

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Speaker 1: name and the name of the agency loomed large in

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Speaker 1: my imagination. So it wasn't a secret that I was adopted.

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Speaker 1: Clearly this woman had a lot to do with it,

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Speaker 1: and they would talk about how she would come and

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Speaker 1: do the white glove test in their apartment to make

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Speaker 1: sure that they were up to snuff, and it was

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Speaker 1: a big deal for them to have gone through this

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Speaker 1: process with her, which took over ten years.

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Speaker 2: When Susan's around twelve years old, she's in the library

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Speaker 2: one day and her curiosity and longing lead her to

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Speaker 2: the card catalog. Up until this point, she has known

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Speaker 2: about her adoption, but not much about adoption in general.

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Speaker 2: What is it really there, she discovers a book called

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Speaker 2: The Search for Anna Fisher by Florence Fisher.

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Speaker 1: It was a huge moment. I remember the feeling of

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Speaker 1: the card catalog, those blonde wood catalogs and with the

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Speaker 1: little cards, and when I saw adoption and that there

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Speaker 1: was a book about adoption, it was like scary for

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Speaker 1: me to look that word up, to be like, what

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Speaker 1: does this even mean? Reading it, I was shocked. It

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Speaker 1: was really radical, This whole idea of like I have

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Speaker 1: the right to see my birth certificate, I have the

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Speaker 1: right to know where I came from, And that was

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Speaker 1: planted really early. That was planted at the moment I

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Speaker 1: saw that book. And in the back of the book

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Speaker 1: it said Florence Fisher is the founder of ALMAH, the

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Speaker 1: Adoptee's Liberty Movement Association, which also sounded extremely radical. And

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Speaker 1: I wrote to them immediately saying, help me. I want

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Speaker 1: to be part of this. I want to know more

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Speaker 1: about where I came from too, And they wrote back

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Speaker 1: right away. This was all like with a typewriter, in

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Speaker 1: envelopes and stamps and things. And they wrote back and said,

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Speaker 1: we understand how you feel, but we really we can't

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Speaker 1: help you till you're eighteen. As soon as I turned eighteen,

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Speaker 1: I wrote to them again and they said, come on down.

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Speaker 1: We can help. We have a support group and consultants,

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Speaker 1: and we'll help you.

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Speaker 2: During this time. Susan is a student at Ethica College.

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Speaker 2: Perhaps unsurprisingly, she has found herself drawn to studying certain

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Speaker 2: subjects that mirror her own life experiences. She is extremely

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Speaker 2: interested in the psychology of family. For instance, she studies

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Speaker 2: and writes papers on adoption. So when Alma tells her

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Speaker 2: to come on down, she does. She also calls and

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Speaker 2: visits the adoption agency her mother had mentioned all those

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Speaker 2: years ago, it Spen's Chapin.

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Speaker 1: I called and they said, yes, we have records that

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Speaker 1: you came through our adoption agency, and Crystal Reading had

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Speaker 1: long retired. She wasn't there anymore. But I met with

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Speaker 1: somebody else and it turned out that it felt more

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Speaker 1: like she was interrogating me than giving me information. And

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Speaker 1: she spent a lot of time asking me about how

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Speaker 1: was it growing up in your family? Oh, you had

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Speaker 1: a dog, Oh, you went on vacations, you went to camp. Oh,

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Speaker 1: you must have had a great life. And she really

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Speaker 1: wanted to hear about what a success story I was,

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Speaker 1: which is great for her. But then when it came

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Speaker 1: to me asking questions, she was very stingy in her

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Speaker 1: offering anything to me. But they have a phrase called

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Speaker 1: non identifying information, so she gave me a few you

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Speaker 1: little titbits. She said, your mother was Japanese, which I

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Speaker 1: had known, and she just gave me a few little crumbs.

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Speaker 1: And it was a really frustrating experience for me because

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Speaker 1: I had been, of course, hoping for more answers and

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Speaker 1: they were not to come.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you describe her as sitting on the other side

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Speaker 2: of a desk from you and leafing through this big

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Speaker 2: fat folder, and you know, it's almost as if she

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Speaker 2: was going, Oh, I can tell her this and then

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Speaker 2: again like, oh this little morsel. So at this point,

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Speaker 2: you hadn't told your parents that you were doing this,

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Speaker 2: so you write them a letter.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I sent them this letter saying I love you,

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Speaker 1: but this is something I have to do. And my mother,

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Speaker 1: in her fantastic prickle accent, called up and said, what

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Speaker 1: took you so long? We've been waiting for this. I

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Speaker 1: was shocked because we hadn't ever talked about it. They

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Speaker 1: had talked about Spence Japin, and they talked about other

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Speaker 1: kids who were adopted, and every once in a while

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Speaker 1: I would say, do you know anything about my mother?

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Speaker 1: And they basically said they didn't know much, and they

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Speaker 1: were just like, what can we do for you? And

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Speaker 1: it blew my mind, And I think about it now

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Speaker 1: and it blows my mind even more because I know

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Speaker 1: so many adoptive families don't react like that. I've been

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Speaker 1: in conversation with hundreds of adoptees now and I know

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Speaker 1: that their reaction is unusual, and I feel so grateful

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Speaker 1: to them. The support groups that the first thing you

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Speaker 1: need is your adoption papers, your official adoption papers, which

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Speaker 1: says the child X y Z will forever now be

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Speaker 1: known as ABC, and this is the change of name.

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Speaker 1: And my parents never had been given this. It was

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Speaker 1: part of the sealed records, but they said sometimes adoptive

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Speaker 1: parents had them and if they didn't, they could call

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Speaker 1: the courthouse where it was finalized and ask for the papers,

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Speaker 1: and that's what my mother did. So I said, this

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Speaker 1: is something you can do for me. It's a suggestion

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Speaker 1: that I heard and if it works, great, and they

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Speaker 1: were like, sure, we'll do that, no problem, And so

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Speaker 1: I told them what to say, and they called up,

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Speaker 1: and then a week later I had my adoption papers,

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Speaker 1: which had my original birth name, which none of us

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Speaker 1: had ever known or seen before. It was Mika no Gucci.

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Speaker 2: Susan endeavors down the road of next steps. First, she

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Speaker 2: calls the hospital where she was born to get her

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Speaker 2: birth records, but she has to concoct a story to

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Speaker 2: make sure they release them, so she lies and tells

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Speaker 2: them she's pregnant, which is why she needs her medical history.

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Speaker 2: The hospital says, no problem, absolutely, we'll send those right

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Speaker 2: over to your obgyn. Please give us their contact information.

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Speaker 2: But Susan hadn't prepared to include this level of detail

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Speaker 2: into her lie, so she reaches for the nearby phone

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Speaker 2: book and randomly picks the name of a local obgim

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Speaker 2: and provides that contact information. Well, great, the hospital will

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Speaker 2: send the records. But now she's really in the belly

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Speaker 2: of the lie and needs to figure out how in

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Speaker 2: the world she will actually get these records from this

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Speaker 2: random OBGYN of whom, of course she's never been a patient.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So after I realized what I had done, I

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Speaker 1: was really plorrified, like, now what am I going to do?

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Speaker 1: Now this obgyn is going to have my records? And

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Speaker 1: how am I going to get them? What is the

247
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Speaker 1: next step? So I called that office and I continued

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Speaker 1: my fabricated story of being pregnant and hearing that my

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Speaker 1: mother had complications and pregnancy and it would be helpful

250
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Speaker 1: and I needed to be seen, and so they made

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Speaker 1: me appointment and then I went, and I really was

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Speaker 1: in that moment in the doctor's office. They told me

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Speaker 1: to take off my everything from the waist down and

254
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Speaker 1: get up on the examining table with the stirrups and everything.

255
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Speaker 1: And I was just like, Oh my gosh, what am

256
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Speaker 1: I going to do here? And I thought, if I

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Speaker 1: tell the truth, these papers, these records could just slip

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Speaker 1: away and I'll never get another chance. This is it.

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Speaker 1: And so you know how in a doctor's office there's

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Speaker 1: a little folder container outside the door. So I I

261
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Speaker 1: never took my clothes off. I just grabbed the file,

262
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Speaker 1: put it under my coat and quickly walked out, and

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Speaker 1: I said to the receptionist, I just need to get

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Speaker 1: something from my car. I'll be right back. And I

265
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,240
Speaker 1: race walked out to my car and threw it in

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Speaker 1: the seat and just drove off as fast as I could.

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Speaker 1: And that was how I got those records which had

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Speaker 1: my birth mother's name. I think about it now and

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Speaker 1: I can't even believe that whole thing happened. I was like,

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Speaker 1: I am like breaking the law. What am I doing here?

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Speaker 1: Is this a crime? Is this? What am I going

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Speaker 1: to jail for this? What did I do? I was

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Speaker 1: terrified and my heart was pounding so hard. But then

274
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Speaker 1: there it was. I had it.

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Speaker 2: So now finally Susan has this pivotal piece of information,

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Speaker 2: the name of her birth mother, Yumiko Nagucci. But when

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Speaker 2: it comes to taking a next step to somehow using

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Speaker 2: this pivotal piece of information, Susan solicits the help of

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Speaker 2: one of her coworkers. She's working at a deli at

280
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Speaker 2: the time. A man named Henry, whose personality seems perfectly

281
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Speaker 2: suited for this kind of hunt for truth.

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Speaker 1: He was somebody who was very detail oriented. He was

283
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Speaker 1: really into UFOs. That was like his thing, and he

284
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Speaker 1: had this system little cards or something where there were

285
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Speaker 1: UFO sightings. He was like a fanatic in this very

286
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Speaker 1: focused way. And he was like, well, what are you

287
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Speaker 1: obsessed with? And I was like, oh, I'm obsessed with

288
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Speaker 1: finding my mother. And then when I told him, he

289
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,800
Speaker 1: was immediately interested and well, what do you know? What

290
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,400
Speaker 1: do you have? What do you got? And I told

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Speaker 1: him about my whole story and how far I had

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Speaker 1: gotten so far that I had my adoption record, I

293
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,960
Speaker 1: had the hospital record, I had her name, and that

294
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Speaker 1: I was like, now what do I do. I'm stuck.

295
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:12,040
Speaker 1: I didn't really know the next step. And he said, well,

296
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Speaker 1: give me what you got and I'll see what I

297
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:19,080
Speaker 1: can and he went and scoured every phone book from

298
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Speaker 1: the country or something and found people with her name.

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Speaker 1: I was flabbergasted. But it took hours, and I think

300
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Speaker 1: I had narrowed it to a certain part of the country,

301
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Speaker 1: and so he focused there. He founded her. So it

302
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,639
Speaker 1: turned out it was just a wild coincidence that I

303
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:41,800
Speaker 1: had already made plane reservations to go to the city

304
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:45,120
Speaker 1: over spring break to visit my high school friend. And

305
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,359
Speaker 1: so I totally lost my nerve at that point because

306
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,720
Speaker 1: I felt like I was so close and I was,

307
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,840
Speaker 1: and so I begged my friend to call for me,

308
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:59,679
Speaker 1: and she did and confirmed that this was indeed the person.

309
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,879
Speaker 1: And at first she did not have a good response

310
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Speaker 1: to the phone call. She was not happy about it,

311
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Speaker 1: and my friend, she said she sounded tipped off, and

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Speaker 1: I was just crushed the fact that she would be

313
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Speaker 1: upset at being contacted. When I was doing my research

314
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Speaker 1: for my psychology family class and I was doing my

315
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:25,520
Speaker 1: paper on adoption, I read this book about adoptees in

316
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Speaker 1: England who had open records and so suddenly in the

317
00:18:30,119 --> 00:18:33,280
Speaker 1: seventies they were able to make contact. They had ten

318
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Speaker 1: case studies and eight of them were horrible. Oh, this

319
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:40,240
Speaker 1: person found out that their mother had taken their own life.

320
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Speaker 1: This person found out that they were in a psychiatric institution.

321
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Speaker 1: They weren't happy endings. And I really tried to brace

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Speaker 1: myself that I wasn't going to have a good outcome.

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Speaker 1: I really tried to try on all these things and say,

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Speaker 1: how would I feel if I found this, How would

325
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Speaker 1: I feel if this happened. I tried them all on

326
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Speaker 1: and ultimately decided it was still worth it. But I

327
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:08,080
Speaker 1: still wanted to do it. I tried to prepare and

328
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Speaker 1: so then I flew to that city. And when I

329
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:14,800
Speaker 1: got there, my friend said that she had called and

330
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,199
Speaker 1: left a note saying that she would be willing to

331
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Speaker 1: meet me, and she said, go to this hotel at

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Speaker 1: this time and go to the room under this name.

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Speaker 1: I was shocked.

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Speaker 2: We'll be right back. When Susan arrives at the Holiday Inn,

335
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:41,439
Speaker 2: the front desk tells her that Yumako Nogucci is waiting

336
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:45,600
Speaker 2: for her in her room. Shaken but excited, Susan gets

337
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,359
Speaker 2: in the elevator and goes up. She knocks on the

338
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,720
Speaker 2: hotel room door, and when it opens, there she is

339
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,200
Speaker 2: Susan is seeing her birth mother for the first time.

340
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Speaker 1: It was really been out of body experience. I think

341
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,000
Speaker 1: one of the first things I noticed that we were

342
00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:04,960
Speaker 1: exactly the same height, and then I started taking in

343
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,560
Speaker 1: different parts of her face, looking at her cheeks and

344
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,720
Speaker 1: her nose and her lips. And feeling like there was

345
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:16,800
Speaker 1: something there that I recognized. She had this impeccable haircut

346
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:23,080
Speaker 1: and beautiful nails, and just a beautiful suit with fancy

347
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,440
Speaker 1: jewelry that looked like it came out of a museum.

348
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,600
Speaker 1: It just dazzled me. My adoptive mother dressed very plainly,

349
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,840
Speaker 1: and it was just very different. I think she was

350
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,399
Speaker 1: very utilitarian in her dress and her style, and my

351
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,879
Speaker 1: birth mother to me, just seemed glamorous. I was blown away.

352
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,560
Speaker 1: I also could tell that she wasn't like, Hey, come

353
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,760
Speaker 1: on in, I'm happy to see you. It was tense.

354
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,000
Speaker 1: She felt completely betrayed and felt that she had been

355
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,800
Speaker 1: promised I suppose by the agency that this was going

356
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,399
Speaker 1: to be her secret, and that it wasn't going to

357
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,479
Speaker 1: come out and nobody would know.

358
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Speaker 2: She says to you, this was all supposed to be secret,

359
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,800
Speaker 2: and she's upset. Something that was supposed to be secret

360
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:11,840
Speaker 2: has been laid bare. This wasn't her narrative how things

361
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,959
Speaker 2: were going to go. She also tells you during that

362
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:18,000
Speaker 2: meeting that you never crossed her mind. In twenty one years,

363
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:22,440
Speaker 2: there's a lot of twists and turns in your interactions

364
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,280
Speaker 2: with your birth mother, and you know, it's sort of

365
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,800
Speaker 2: like that old thing that people say of everything you

366
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,520
Speaker 2: need to know about like the person that you marry,

367
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,840
Speaker 2: if you go back to your first date, it's all there.

368
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:33,880
Speaker 1: So true.

369
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,920
Speaker 2: I do think that's true of first dates and marriages,

370
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,720
Speaker 2: but it's true of it seems true of your relationship

371
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,800
Speaker 2: with your birth mother. That kind of everything that then

372
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:49,480
Speaker 2: plays out for the rest of your relationship is already

373
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:53,520
Speaker 2: present in that first bunch of hours that you spend together.

374
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:59,720
Speaker 1: Everything. Yeah, it was like a microcosm of the next

375
00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:05,440
Speaker 1: forty five years. We went through so many different seasons

376
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,840
Speaker 1: and phases during that one meeting. But I think when

377
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:12,639
Speaker 1: I started showing her pictures, like childhood pictures, because you know,

378
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:16,440
Speaker 1: here I was twenty years old and she hadn't known

379
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:19,919
Speaker 1: what had happened to me since I was born. So

380
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,360
Speaker 1: I brought family pictures also, so I could show her

381
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,879
Speaker 1: this is the family I grew up with, this was

382
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:28,119
Speaker 1: my life. And I think that made her happy. I

383
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:30,960
Speaker 1: think there were things that she felt that she connected to.

384
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,240
Speaker 1: She was glad. She was glad to see that I'd

385
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:36,159
Speaker 1: had the life that I had, and I think it

386
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:39,280
Speaker 1: softened her quite a bit. And also she didn't know

387
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:43,119
Speaker 1: that I was adopted by Japanese American parents. They knew

388
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:46,399
Speaker 1: that she was Japanese, but she didn't know where I

389
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:50,399
Speaker 1: ended up, and so she had no idea that I

390
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,679
Speaker 1: was raised in this family. And I think there was

391
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,800
Speaker 1: something about that that made her really happy, that softened her,

392
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,280
Speaker 1: and she became more comfortable as we found that we

393
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,240
Speaker 1: had things in common, and as we got to know

394
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:05,280
Speaker 1: each other, we started to develop a little connection. We

395
00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:08,000
Speaker 1: had lunch and then we were walking around a little

396
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:11,600
Speaker 1: bit and there was an ice cream stand nearby, and

397
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:15,200
Speaker 1: we both simultaneously ordered the same flavor of ice cream,

398
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,800
Speaker 1: and we both looked at each other, what did you say?

399
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:22,560
Speaker 1: And we just started laughing and making jokes about, oh,

400
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,639
Speaker 1: is this genetic ice cream preference? And I think we

401
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,480
Speaker 1: were starting to get excited about the ways and that

402
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,760
Speaker 1: we were connected. Even though it's like totally random, you

403
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,040
Speaker 1: and I might have the same ice cream preference, but

404
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,000
Speaker 1: it felt really meaningful at that moment.

405
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,720
Speaker 2: You me and Susan share more meaningful moments, and the

406
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,879
Speaker 2: softening in their dynamic continues. You may tells Susan she

407
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,720
Speaker 2: has a family, she has children. Of course, this is

408
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,400
Speaker 2: the first time Susan is hearing that she has half siblings.

409
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,600
Speaker 2: She learns she has a half sister and a half brother.

410
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,600
Speaker 2: Umi shows Susan a picture of her daughter. In the photo,

411
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:06,520
Speaker 2: she's wearing a monogram sweatshirt. Susan looks closely at the name.

412
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,320
Speaker 1: That was a pretty shocking moment when I see this

413
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:16,119
Speaker 1: picture and the sweatshirt says Mika, which is of course

414
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:20,240
Speaker 1: my birth name, and it was shattering. It was a

415
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,240
Speaker 1: shattering I did not know what to make of it.

416
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:26,159
Speaker 1: I had been almost trying that name on internally, like

417
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:27,880
Speaker 1: what would have been like if that was my name.

418
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,919
Speaker 1: I'd been playing with it inside my mind, and when

419
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,359
Speaker 1: I saw it on this other girl, I was just

420
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,760
Speaker 1: I don't know. It was shocking.

421
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:40,040
Speaker 2: Did your birth mother explain that to you at the time.

422
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,440
Speaker 1: She did. She said, well, I really liked that name.

423
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,720
Speaker 1: I always wanted to use it if I had a girl,

424
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,640
Speaker 1: and so that's the name I gave you. But then

425
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,800
Speaker 1: I realized that you hadn't been able to keep that name,

426
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:55,359
Speaker 1: and so I could use it again. It was a moment,

427
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 1: it was big.

428
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,200
Speaker 2: And you also learned that you have a half brother

429
00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:04,160
Speaker 2: whose names ca And before the end of this first

430
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:08,719
Speaker 2: visit with your birth mother. You asked her about your

431
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:09,240
Speaker 2: birth father.

432
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:15,840
Speaker 1: She says that he's very friendly and gregarious and that

433
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:18,960
Speaker 1: he knows about me, and that he knows that I've

434
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 1: contacted her, and I was like what. I was completely

435
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:25,000
Speaker 1: shocked by that. And then she said, yeah, he thought

436
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:28,880
Speaker 1: about you. He reminded me of you. This also completely

437
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:32,520
Speaker 1: floored me because first she had said that she hadn't

438
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:34,920
Speaker 1: thought about me, and then she said that he actually

439
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:38,400
Speaker 1: had thought about me. And I had this immediate feeling

440
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:41,800
Speaker 1: of I want to know this person. I want to

441
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,720
Speaker 1: know this person who tried to remember me to her,

442
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:48,080
Speaker 1: and she just said no, and I wanted to know more.

443
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,800
Speaker 1: But that was all that was going to happen at

444
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:53,440
Speaker 1: that moment. It took me the entire day to work

445
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,119
Speaker 1: up the courage to ask about him. It was, of

446
00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:58,399
Speaker 1: course one of the first things on my mind, but

447
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,679
Speaker 1: it was the very end of the day. And that

448
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 1: was a big bombshell that came when she said that

449
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:04,919
Speaker 1: he thought about me.

450
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:10,800
Speaker 2: And it also seems that she did more than evade.

451
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:15,240
Speaker 2: It was a real mood changer, like she really didn't

452
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:18,840
Speaker 2: want to have that conversation with you, right, or certainly

453
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:22,679
Speaker 2: not create some sort of introduction or path towards that.

454
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, things have been getting very friendly up until that point,

455
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,240
Speaker 1: and then the mood definitely changed.

456
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,639
Speaker 2: A few months pass and on Mother's Day, Susan arranges

457
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:38,080
Speaker 2: for her parents and grandmother to meet Umi. They all

458
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,760
Speaker 2: go out for sushi. No one is talking about the

459
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:44,480
Speaker 2: gravity of the situation, the importance of this meeting. Instead,

460
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,600
Speaker 2: everyone is just on their best behavior, having a light,

461
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:48,600
Speaker 2: friendly lunch.

462
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:52,640
Speaker 1: I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. It

463
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:56,040
Speaker 1: was surreal. At one point, she goes to the restroom

464
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,520
Speaker 1: and my grandmother's like, oh, your mother's very pretty, and

465
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,240
Speaker 1: I'm like, wait, what And the fact that she's calling

466
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,960
Speaker 1: you me my mother and my mother is sitting right there.

467
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,520
Speaker 1: They were just all really friendly to each other. I

468
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:13,080
Speaker 1: think they felt a bond because they're all second generation

469
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:16,320
Speaker 1: Japanese American, so they had that in common. It was

470
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:19,360
Speaker 1: a real connector, and I think that if either they

471
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,000
Speaker 1: hadn't been Japanese or she hadn't been Japanese, it would

472
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 1: not been as comfortable.

473
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:30,600
Speaker 2: At one point during lunch, u Mei turns to Susan

474
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:34,760
Speaker 2: and tells her how extremely lucky she's been to have

475
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:38,840
Speaker 2: grown up in this family. The word lucky is tricky

476
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:42,359
Speaker 2: for an adopted child to hear. When lunch ends and

477
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,000
Speaker 2: Susan goes off on her own, she weeps.

478
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:50,800
Speaker 1: Angela Tucker she's an amazing adoptee writer and she just

479
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,439
Speaker 1: wrote a book called You Should be Grateful. And I

480
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,400
Speaker 1: think that's a message that adopted people here all the time,

481
00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:59,760
Speaker 1: You're so lucky, you could have been languishing in an orphanage.

482
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 1: So I think it's a message that feels mixed. It's like, well,

483
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:08,560
Speaker 1: you can't be lucky unless you've been unlucky. First adoption

484
00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 1: is born out of crisis. Somebody does not get adopted

485
00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:15,840
Speaker 1: unless there's a crisis that happens that necessitates that. So

486
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:19,040
Speaker 1: I think there's that and the fact that she said

487
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,159
Speaker 1: that I didn't know what to do with that. And

488
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,800
Speaker 1: as much as I would agree, as much as I

489
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:27,040
Speaker 1: felt lucky and I love my family and I loved

490
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,719
Speaker 1: my parents, it was like, wait a second, what are

491
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 1: you saying here? I mean, I think it gave her

492
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:35,720
Speaker 1: a sense of relief that her choice for me had

493
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:38,520
Speaker 1: turned out well. I think she was feeling glad that

494
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:40,800
Speaker 1: things had turned out the way that they had, But

495
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,640
Speaker 1: it was also really hard to hear. And then also

496
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,960
Speaker 1: the fact that it was Mother's Day and she said,

497
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,320
Speaker 1: I have to get back to my family. So all

498
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:51,800
Speaker 1: of these things combined, my head and my heart were

499
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 1: just swirling and breaking, and it was a hard thing

500
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:59,160
Speaker 1: to put it all together. There were just so many

501
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,280
Speaker 1: things happening at once, and.

502
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:04,640
Speaker 2: To go back to the microcosm that began with that

503
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:09,760
Speaker 2: very first encounter with Yumi, there was this constant kind

504
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:12,320
Speaker 2: of giving and then taking away, and then giving and

505
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:16,600
Speaker 2: then taking away, very likely not conscious, but always there,

506
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,160
Speaker 2: so that the minute you start feeling like warm or

507
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:25,560
Speaker 2: cozy or comfortable or familiar, then something reminds you that, oh,

508
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:31,680
Speaker 2: it's not like that at all. The world keeps turning

509
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:35,160
Speaker 2: for Susan. She has a career and she's in a relationship.

510
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:39,400
Speaker 2: She's in sporadic touch with Yumi. They correspond and see

511
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:43,040
Speaker 2: one another occasionally. She exchanges gifts with her and her

512
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:47,080
Speaker 2: parents during the holidays. One day, Yumi writes to Susan

513
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 2: and says she's coming to New York on business and

514
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,520
Speaker 2: would like to see her. Susan starts cleaning her apartment

515
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:56,600
Speaker 2: right away, preparing for Yumi's visit, but a few days

516
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:58,960
Speaker 2: go by, and she doesn't hear from Yumi again to

517
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:03,280
Speaker 2: make plans. Maybe she's changed her mind, maybe she's not

518
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,240
Speaker 2: going to come at all or even reach out. But

519
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:09,520
Speaker 2: just as Susan's thinking this, she sees a message from Yumi.

520
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:14,960
Speaker 2: I'm at the Plaza Hotel. The message says, come over. Naturally,

521
00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:16,360
Speaker 2: that's what Susan does.

522
00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:21,040
Speaker 1: I see that she's brought a stack of books. She's

523
00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:23,960
Speaker 1: a reader, she loves to read. And we have room

524
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,320
Speaker 1: service and we have ice cream, and it all feels

525
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:31,800
Speaker 1: so cozy and just fun. And we're talking about things

526
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:34,680
Speaker 1: that I don't talk with my adoptive mother about. We

527
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:37,520
Speaker 1: don't really have this comfortable way of talking about, like

528
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:39,880
Speaker 1: if I have a boyfriend or if I'm interested in someone.

529
00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:43,600
Speaker 1: My adoptive mother was just really uncomfortable with those kinds

530
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:46,400
Speaker 1: of topics. But Umi was just easy to talk to,

531
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,320
Speaker 1: and I felt like we had things in common, and

532
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:50,960
Speaker 1: she was like, you should read this book and what

533
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:53,800
Speaker 1: about this? And have you seen this movie? And it

534
00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:56,520
Speaker 1: just was It was just really comfortable and fun to

535
00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:59,640
Speaker 1: be with her, and also very confusing. What is this

536
00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,600
Speaker 1: my friend? Is she my mother? Who is this person?

537
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:06,600
Speaker 1: But I was enjoying it while we were there. It

538
00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 1: was this cost of waiting for that moment, you know,

539
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:13,840
Speaker 1: just waiting to hear from her and not knowing if

540
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:15,960
Speaker 1: it was going to happen. And then of course the

541
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,400
Speaker 1: moment she calls and she's so happy and she's like,

542
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:21,800
Speaker 1: come on down, come on down at the plaza that

543
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:24,600
Speaker 1: I would forgive anything, do you know? It wasn't even

544
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:27,480
Speaker 1: about forgiving. It was like, of course I would do anything.

545
00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:30,280
Speaker 1: I would meet you anywhere, I wouldn't meet you anywhere,

546
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:32,840
Speaker 1: I would go anywhere. I would do anything. For five

547
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:34,400
Speaker 1: minutes and.

548
00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:37,920
Speaker 2: You stay over, and what happens the next morning.

549
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:41,720
Speaker 1: The next morning, it's just all business and very much Okay,

550
00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:45,040
Speaker 1: we're done here, We're done here. I'm going home, and

551
00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:50,240
Speaker 1: we're done, and it's over. The kind of the moment

552
00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:52,800
Speaker 1: has disappeared, and I just I got to leave.

553
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:57,880
Speaker 2: You describe it as reminiscent of what behavior would be

554
00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:00,520
Speaker 2: like after an ill advised one stand.

555
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,360
Speaker 1: It felt so much like that. And I think a

556
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 1: lot of the secrecy of it, feeling like I'm meeting

557
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,640
Speaker 1: somebody in secret. I can't tell anybody, They're not going

558
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:11,800
Speaker 1: to tell anybody, and it's like, oh, is this what

559
00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:14,040
Speaker 1: people do when they're having an affair or having a

560
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:16,360
Speaker 1: one night stand or something. Is this what that's like?

561
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:17,440
Speaker 1: It felt like that.

562
00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:23,840
Speaker 2: Five years later, Yumi calls Susan to tell her she's

563
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:28,440
Speaker 2: in the hospital with complications from a hysterectomy. Susan buys

564
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,160
Speaker 2: a last minute plane ticket and gets to the hospital

565
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 2: as fast as she can. In the lobby, she's asked

566
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:37,920
Speaker 2: if she's immediate family, and she has the jarring realization

567
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:40,840
Speaker 2: that Umi would probably say no to this and would

568
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,959
Speaker 2: want Susan to say no to this too. So Susan

569
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:47,720
Speaker 2: says no, as she asks herself, what is my role here?

570
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:51,600
Speaker 2: Who am I here? She calls you me from the

571
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:54,760
Speaker 2: lobby to tell her she's downstairs, and Yumi tells her

572
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:55,480
Speaker 2: to come up.

573
00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:00,720
Speaker 1: So I go to her room and he's very weak.

574
00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:04,040
Speaker 1: I bring up some gifts and she says, look out

575
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:06,680
Speaker 1: the window. Do you see that JC Penny out there?

576
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:10,440
Speaker 1: And I'm like yes, And she tells me to go

577
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,960
Speaker 1: to the j C. Penny for an hour and then

578
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:17,120
Speaker 1: to come back. And I'm completely confused. And she says,

579
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:20,160
Speaker 1: Nika is coming and I'm going to tell her. I'm

580
00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:23,800
Speaker 1: going to tell her about you and I'm just flabbergasted,

581
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:28,040
Speaker 1: like completely unprepared for that, and she says, I'm going

582
00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:29,719
Speaker 1: to do it now. It's the right time to do it,

583
00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:34,600
Speaker 1: because you're here and she's coming. And so I go

584
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:38,080
Speaker 1: to the j. C. Penny and I'm pacing like a

585
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:44,200
Speaker 1: mad person. And I come back and my half sister

586
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 1: is standing in the hospital room looking completely shocked as well.

587
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:53,720
Speaker 1: And then my birth mother gives us some money and says,

588
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 1: go have dinner. She's too tired to continue to visit.

589
00:33:57,280 --> 00:34:01,000
Speaker 1: So we leave and we go or a restaurant, and

590
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:03,600
Speaker 1: I think neither of us had been prepared for that moment.

591
00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:09,040
Speaker 2: At dinner with Mika, she asks Susan if she knows

592
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:11,840
Speaker 2: who her birth father is, and I say.

593
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 1: It, well, I know a few things about him, and

594
00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:16,480
Speaker 1: I tell her a few details, and Mika says, oh,

595
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:19,440
Speaker 1: maybe it's this guy. Maybe it's this person, And I

596
00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:22,680
Speaker 1: just of course grab onto that, Oh you think it's

597
00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:25,800
Speaker 1: that person, And then I hold that in my mind

598
00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:29,279
Speaker 1: and believe that. But she said unfortunately he died, So

599
00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:31,239
Speaker 1: in the moment, I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm going

600
00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:33,359
Speaker 1: to know who my birth father is. And then but

601
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:37,160
Speaker 1: he's not here. Anymore. And that was another one of

602
00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:40,320
Speaker 1: those mini roller coasters that just happens in a moment,

603
00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:42,279
Speaker 1: and then we start to get to know each other

604
00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:45,400
Speaker 1: as people, and then I have a sister for a

605
00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:45,960
Speaker 1: little while.

606
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:51,399
Speaker 2: You may recovers and Susan goes back home, but there's

607
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:54,480
Speaker 2: another visit to see her soon after. You may tell

608
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,160
Speaker 2: Susan that there's someone she wants her to meet, Barry,

609
00:34:57,480 --> 00:35:00,800
Speaker 2: a very old friend of hers, so flies out again

610
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 2: to go have dinner with them. This is the evening

611
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:06,360
Speaker 2: in which the story of Susan's first hundred odd days

612
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:10,319
Speaker 2: of her life unfold. Barry, this man she's never met

613
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 2: until tonight, tells her things she's never known.

614
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:19,400
Speaker 1: So I learned that she had actually been visiting Barry

615
00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:22,239
Speaker 1: and his wife while she was pregnant with me, but

616
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,839
Speaker 1: they hadn't known that she was pregnant. In fact, she

617
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:28,120
Speaker 1: had said that nobody knew, which I found so hard

618
00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 1: to fathom when I was pregnant, because I was enormous,

619
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:33,319
Speaker 1: and I was like, how could you even keep this

620
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:36,400
Speaker 1: a secret? But she said, well, I didn't eat, and

621
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:40,600
Speaker 1: I wore a really tight girdle and really loose clothes,

622
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:44,560
Speaker 1: and nobody knew as far as she could tell, nobody knew,

623
00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:47,440
Speaker 1: and so she was visiting them, and she went into

624
00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:51,360
Speaker 1: labor when she was in a park near their house,

625
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 1: and a police officer took her to the hospital and

626
00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:59,640
Speaker 1: either he or someone at the hospital called Barry and said,

627
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:02,759
Speaker 1: your house guest, your friend is in the hospital, and

628
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 1: she had instructed them to say she was getting her

629
00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:08,000
Speaker 1: she had had appendicitis attack and she was getting her

630
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:12,120
Speaker 1: appendix out. So of course you're horrified when you think

631
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:15,080
Speaker 1: your house guest is in the hospital with emergency surgery.

632
00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:18,279
Speaker 1: So they rushed to see her, and a nurse who

633
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:21,000
Speaker 1: had not been told the appendix story said, oh, mother

634
00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:24,840
Speaker 1: and baby, you're doing just fine, and they were stunned.

635
00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:29,200
Speaker 1: They had no idea, and she swore them to secrecy,

636
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:31,840
Speaker 1: and they promised that they would never tell anybody, and

637
00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:35,560
Speaker 1: they didn't. She had been under anesthesia when I was delivered.

638
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:37,480
Speaker 1: They call it twilight sleep. It was a kind of

639
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:40,960
Speaker 1: drug that they did back in the day, so she

640
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:44,960
Speaker 1: hadn't really been conscious when I was born and she

641
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:47,240
Speaker 1: hadn't seen me. I had to stay in the hospital

642
00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:49,960
Speaker 1: for a couple months because I was really underweight.

643
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:55,120
Speaker 2: Barry and his wife went to see baby Susan then

644
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:59,359
Speaker 2: Mika in the NICU, but Umi did not. As soon

645
00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:02,480
Speaker 2: as Umi was cleared to leave, she did without seeing

646
00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:03,399
Speaker 2: her baby at all.

647
00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:08,360
Speaker 1: And then when I was able to be discharged, she

648
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:10,800
Speaker 1: was the one who had to take me out of

649
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:14,200
Speaker 1: the hospital and bring me physically to the agency. So

650
00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:16,279
Speaker 1: she did that and that was the first time she

651
00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 1: had seen me. I was like two and a half

652
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:21,239
Speaker 1: three months old, and so she took me in a

653
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:24,799
Speaker 1: taxi and that was like the first time she had

654
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:28,400
Speaker 1: really seen me. She described giving me a bottle and

655
00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:31,239
Speaker 1: I just had no idea about any of this. I

656
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:34,440
Speaker 1: didn't really know that story. You know. It's one of

657
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:37,279
Speaker 1: those things that it's so profound to like just not

658
00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:40,040
Speaker 1: know how you came into the world. And it's one

659
00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:42,880
Speaker 1: of the things I called not adopted privilege. It's like

660
00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:45,120
Speaker 1: a kind of privilege to just take for granted that

661
00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:46,799
Speaker 1: you know what time you were born, or you know

662
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:48,960
Speaker 1: the circumstances, or you know about when your mother went

663
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 1: into labor, or you hear about things. There's all this

664
00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:56,799
Speaker 1: lore about when someone's born and people talk about it,

665
00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:59,839
Speaker 1: and it's something you just internalize as part of your

666
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:02,680
Speaker 1: life story. And I didn't have any of that. I

667
00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:05,840
Speaker 1: didn't have any idea about any of it, So hearing

668
00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:09,919
Speaker 1: it as an adult was really stunning. And that this guy,

669
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:13,239
Speaker 1: Barry had been the only person who had known that

670
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:15,040
Speaker 1: I even existed and.

671
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:18,280
Speaker 2: Who had met you. He was part of the first

672
00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:19,800
Speaker 2: day of your life.

673
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:23,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, he was even more than she was. I mean,

674
00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:25,480
Speaker 1: she burst me, but she hadn't seen me until I

675
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:27,440
Speaker 1: was two and a half months old, and he had

676
00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:30,200
Speaker 1: and he had carried this, he had kept this, and

677
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:32,600
Speaker 1: he had kept her confidence this whole time.

678
00:38:34,719 --> 00:38:37,720
Speaker 2: In the ensuing years, Susan and her partner John get married.

679
00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:41,120
Speaker 2: You Mei and Mika both come to the wedding. Of course,

680
00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:43,359
Speaker 2: Susan's parents and family she grew up with are all

681
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:46,080
Speaker 2: there too, and for a brief shining moment, there's the

682
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:49,640
Speaker 2: sense that there's a kind of extended family, even though

683
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:52,279
Speaker 2: not everybody is privy to the nature of it. It

684
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:54,440
Speaker 2: seems to Susan like maybe this is how it's going

685
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:58,400
Speaker 2: to be moving forward, this big extended family. It seems

686
00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:02,480
Speaker 2: like maybe she can have it all. Susan and John

687
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:06,080
Speaker 2: decide to start a family. Susan becomes pregnant but suffers

688
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:09,960
Speaker 2: from preoclamsia and loses the baby, who she's already named

689
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:13,120
Speaker 2: and already loves. Susan lets Umi know at the beginning

690
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:15,879
Speaker 2: of her pregnancy that things are rocky and that it's

691
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:19,280
Speaker 2: looking like it's not going to be okay, but Yumi says,

692
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:21,440
Speaker 2: oh no, don't worry, it's going to be fine. I

693
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:24,640
Speaker 2: know it's all going to be fine. But it's not fine.

694
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,920
Speaker 2: And adding to the pain of the loss is the

695
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:30,359
Speaker 2: pain of Yumi not following up with Susan to see

696
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:33,399
Speaker 2: how things are. A week goes by and she does

697
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:37,640
Speaker 2: not check in. Susan's parents are there being parents, and

698
00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:40,480
Speaker 2: her husband John is there being a husband, but her

699
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:43,239
Speaker 2: birth mother doesn't think to reach out and support her

700
00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:47,360
Speaker 2: during this week of crisis. Invariably, this calls into question

701
00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:50,960
Speaker 2: what is a parent. It's a noun, but it is

702
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:52,880
Speaker 2: also a verb to parent.

703
00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:57,600
Speaker 1: You know, when I think about it now, I don't

704
00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:01,360
Speaker 1: know if it was cold or harsh, or thinking or unfeeling,

705
00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:05,320
Speaker 1: But I think the whole time I've known her, she's

706
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:10,920
Speaker 1: really wanted to firmly defer that role to my parents.

707
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:14,960
Speaker 1: She didn't want that role, She never wanted that role,

708
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:19,080
Speaker 1: and she made her decision. She made her choice. I

709
00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:22,200
Speaker 1: am not her mother. I'm not going to be her mother,

710
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,759
Speaker 1: and I was really surprised and really hurt that she

711
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:29,160
Speaker 1: didn't check on me. Maybe as a friend, I mean,

712
00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:32,440
Speaker 1: like a friend might have checked in. I don't know,

713
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:35,200
Speaker 1: but I think I was thinking of her at that

714
00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:40,160
Speaker 1: time as my mother, and my mother is not checking

715
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:44,719
Speaker 1: to see how I've gone through this experience, and I

716
00:40:44,719 --> 00:40:48,800
Speaker 1: think she really had relinquished that role from the beginning.

717
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:52,040
Speaker 2: Did you feel at that time, up until that time

718
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:54,360
Speaker 2: that you had two mothers?

719
00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:57,840
Speaker 1: I really wanted that. I think I really wanted two mothers,

720
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:01,040
Speaker 1: and I wanted what they both were to me in

721
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:04,040
Speaker 1: their own ways. I wanted them both to be my mother,

722
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:10,320
Speaker 1: and I think it wasn't until much later that I

723
00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:12,320
Speaker 1: accepted that wasn't going to happen.

724
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:17,200
Speaker 2: Susan and Umi continue to have a relationship akin to

725
00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:21,120
Speaker 2: a very slow tennis match. Every once in a great

726
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:25,280
Speaker 2: while the ball bounces. There's a bounce when Susan receives

727
00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:29,040
Speaker 2: an invitation to Mika's graduation party, but she's invited to

728
00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:32,239
Speaker 2: attend as a quote unquote family friend that will be

729
00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:37,600
Speaker 2: her cover. Secrets upon secrets upon secrets Susan was u

730
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:41,560
Speaker 2: Mei's secret, but now Yumi makes it Mika's secret. Mika

731
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:45,240
Speaker 2: becomes the secret of you Mei's secret. Because Kaz, Susan's

732
00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:48,319
Speaker 2: half brother and Mika's full brother, still doesn't know about

733
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:52,680
Speaker 2: the truths of Susan's existence, Umi wants to tell him

734
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:55,240
Speaker 2: when Susan is there in person at the graduation party.

735
00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:59,000
Speaker 2: So Susan attends and prepares for this big reveal, but

736
00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:03,080
Speaker 2: then it now happens. Yumi has apparently decided to keep

737
00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:06,760
Speaker 2: the secret contained. As Kaz is heading out for the evening,

738
00:42:07,239 --> 00:42:11,320
Speaker 2: Yumi asks to get a photograph of the three of them, Mika, Kaz,

739
00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:16,120
Speaker 2: and their family friend Susan. It's unclear why Yumy's doing this.

740
00:42:16,680 --> 00:42:19,120
Speaker 2: Is it to make Susan feel better somehow? Is it

741
00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:23,560
Speaker 2: for you Mei herself? Whatever the case, Susan is completely

742
00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:28,120
Speaker 2: taken aback. She dissociates and wonders why exactly she came

743
00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:33,600
Speaker 2: to this party and what exactly just happened. There's yet

744
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:37,440
Speaker 2: another bounce about five years after this incident, when Susan

745
00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:41,799
Speaker 2: is invited to Kaz's wedding again. She's invited and attends

746
00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:45,759
Speaker 2: as a family friend. By this time, Susan has had

747
00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:49,440
Speaker 2: her first child, Molly, so she brings her along. At

748
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:52,880
Speaker 2: one point, Umi is carrying Molly around and then something

749
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:56,839
Speaker 2: happens which leaves Susan in a state of profound disappointment

750
00:42:56,960 --> 00:43:00,440
Speaker 2: and sadness.

751
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:04,640
Speaker 1: Kaz also has a baby at that point, and they're

752
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:08,440
Speaker 1: just a few months apart, and somebody assumes that Mollie

753
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:12,040
Speaker 1: is the baby of him, and she says, no, this

754
00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:14,640
Speaker 1: is not my grandchild. This is my house guest daughter.

755
00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:18,960
Speaker 1: And it was the moment. It was like a turning

756
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:22,520
Speaker 1: point where I think, up until that point, I had

757
00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:26,240
Speaker 1: felt like I would do anything to have this relationship,

758
00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:28,319
Speaker 1: Like I don't care how much I have to lie.

759
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:30,680
Speaker 1: I don't care how much I have to pretend I'm

760
00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:34,319
Speaker 1: someone else. I don't care. I'm not carrying this on

761
00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:36,879
Speaker 1: to the next generation. I'm not going to tell her

762
00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:40,560
Speaker 1: that she has to lie about who she is. I

763
00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:45,799
Speaker 1: was suddenly so protective of my child and seeing that

764
00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:48,600
Speaker 1: if we had to keep going like this, like I

765
00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:51,440
Speaker 1: would have endured anything on my own behalf, but not

766
00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:53,640
Speaker 1: for her. And that was the first time where I

767
00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:54,920
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I can't do this.

768
00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:58,120
Speaker 2: So did you cut off contact with you me at

769
00:43:58,120 --> 00:43:59,640
Speaker 2: that point, No.

770
00:43:59,480 --> 00:44:02,719
Speaker 1: I didn't enough contact, but I felt myself withdrawing.

771
00:44:07,239 --> 00:44:17,520
Speaker 2: We'll be back in a moment with more family secrets.

772
00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:22,120
Speaker 2: A few years pass and Susan has her second child,

773
00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:27,200
Speaker 2: another daughter, Emma. Around this time, she joins a group

774
00:44:27,520 --> 00:44:30,560
Speaker 2: that becomes very important to her, a group of Asian

775
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:34,520
Speaker 2: American adoptees. In the group, she learns a lot about

776
00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 2: the mental health of adoptees and the suicide rate among adoptees.

777
00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:43,120
Speaker 2: The data is just staggering. She also in this group

778
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,560
Speaker 2: connects with a man named Mark. He too is biracial

779
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:50,719
Speaker 2: Asian and adopted, so he and Susan find familiarity and

780
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:55,360
Speaker 2: connect with one another. And then Mark dies by suicide.

781
00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:59,240
Speaker 2: This is another turning point for Susan, a breaking point.

782
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:01,759
Speaker 2: Not only is she dealing with the loss of her

783
00:45:01,800 --> 00:45:04,799
Speaker 2: good friend, but also the need to know as much

784
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:10,600
Speaker 2: as she can about her birth father resurfaces. Yumi is

785
00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:13,719
Speaker 2: the only one carrying this information and she has never

786
00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:17,279
Speaker 2: given it to Susan for all these years. Susan's in

787
00:45:17,320 --> 00:45:20,600
Speaker 2: her mid thirties now. It's been fifteen or sixteen years

788
00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:23,600
Speaker 2: since she first met Yumi, and in all that time,

789
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:27,759
Speaker 2: she's learned nothing else about her birth father, so she

790
00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:30,480
Speaker 2: writes a note to Yumi, asking her again for more

791
00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:34,960
Speaker 2: information and positing the possibility that it's this person that

792
00:45:35,040 --> 00:45:38,560
Speaker 2: Mika had mentioned to her those years earlier. When she

793
00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:42,279
Speaker 2: speaks to Yumi about this, she says, point blank, I

794
00:45:42,360 --> 00:45:43,120
Speaker 2: need to know this.

795
00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:48,680
Speaker 1: She cut me off. She was like, how dare you

796
00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:52,480
Speaker 1: imply such a thing? How dare you ask? Fifteen years

797
00:45:52,520 --> 00:45:57,560
Speaker 1: of trying to be very patient in hoping that we

798
00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:01,560
Speaker 1: would get close enough or that are relationship would get

799
00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:03,560
Speaker 1: to a point where she felt like she could tell me,

800
00:46:04,440 --> 00:46:06,160
Speaker 1: and I was just like, I haven't brought it up.

801
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:09,440
Speaker 1: In fifteen years since that first meeting, I have not

802
00:46:09,520 --> 00:46:11,960
Speaker 1: brought it up, and I've been just patient, and I

803
00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:13,799
Speaker 1: just want to let you know I'm still interested. I

804
00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:16,360
Speaker 1: still want to know. And she was just like, I

805
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:19,399
Speaker 1: don't think we should be in contact anymore. I had

806
00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:24,200
Speaker 1: this feeling that if the person who brought me into

807
00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:30,240
Speaker 1: this world didn't want contact with me, that maybe I

808
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:32,759
Speaker 1: shouldn't be in this world. I think I was very

809
00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:36,320
Speaker 1: confused and very distraught, and I felt like I had

810
00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:38,759
Speaker 1: done it. I had brought this on myself. If I

811
00:46:38,800 --> 00:46:42,319
Speaker 1: had just kept quiet and not asked, we would still

812
00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:45,279
Speaker 1: be in somewhat of a relationship. You know, I just

813
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:48,560
Speaker 1: felt like I had destroyed it. It was really devastating.

814
00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:52,759
Speaker 1: And I think there's something about the concept of the

815
00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:56,280
Speaker 1: primal wound or being relinquished as a baby, and that's

816
00:46:56,760 --> 00:46:59,680
Speaker 1: a hard thing to deal with. It is what it is.

817
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:03,399
Speaker 1: I don't know about my private one. I don't even know.

818
00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:07,200
Speaker 1: But there's something else about knowing someone for fifteen years,

819
00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:10,759
Speaker 1: knowing your mother for fifteen years, and then having her

820
00:47:10,800 --> 00:47:15,160
Speaker 1: turn her back. That to me was like more devastating

821
00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:17,840
Speaker 1: than being left as a baby, because I feel like

822
00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:20,600
Speaker 1: I understand why people do that. I understand why she

823
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:24,120
Speaker 1: did that, But this other thing of like having known

824
00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:27,799
Speaker 1: her for over a decade and then having her say

825
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:30,719
Speaker 1: I don't want anything to do with you anymore, I

826
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:32,040
Speaker 1: couldn't really deal.

827
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:38,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you got pretty much the same correspondence from Mika,

828
00:47:38,719 --> 00:47:40,480
Speaker 2: who also said I don't want to have anything to

829
00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:43,759
Speaker 2: do with you. So the feeling seems to be like

830
00:47:43,800 --> 00:47:46,040
Speaker 2: the world and your place in it sort of trembled

831
00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:49,000
Speaker 2: a little bit right then, like a little bit of

832
00:47:49,000 --> 00:47:53,040
Speaker 2: a fault line that opened up, And I was really

833
00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:59,399
Speaker 2: fascinated by something that pulled you back, which was that

834
00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:02,760
Speaker 2: you learned about this drumming circle.

835
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:07,279
Speaker 1: Tycho. Drumming was something that I didn't even think about

836
00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:10,000
Speaker 1: it until recently that my dad had taken me to

837
00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:12,480
Speaker 1: in New York City and Brooklyn when I was in

838
00:48:12,560 --> 00:48:15,920
Speaker 1: high school, and I was completely captivated by and then

839
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:18,520
Speaker 1: forgot about until I heard that there was a group

840
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:22,440
Speaker 1: near me, and so I decided to go, and it

841
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:27,160
Speaker 1: really pulled me out of my depression grief. It was

842
00:48:27,239 --> 00:48:31,400
Speaker 1: very physical, and the drums are really huge, and the

843
00:48:31,520 --> 00:48:35,160
Speaker 1: drum sticks are also really big and very heavy, and

844
00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:37,959
Speaker 1: you just have to you use your whole body. There's

845
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:41,400
Speaker 1: like dance involved. You're shouting while you're doing it, and

846
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:43,560
Speaker 1: it brought me back into my body in a very

847
00:48:43,600 --> 00:48:47,760
Speaker 1: physical way. And the teacher described it as these drums

848
00:48:47,760 --> 00:48:51,960
Speaker 1: are supposed to replicate the sound of heartbeat, mother's heartbeat,

849
00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:55,400
Speaker 1: and it spoke to me and I just felt like

850
00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:59,640
Speaker 1: I was reclaiming my body and reclaiming myself in certain ways,

851
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:04,640
Speaker 1: aiming being Japanese American. It was extremely healing.

852
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:11,000
Speaker 2: The years churn by with no information about Susan's birth father.

853
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:15,640
Speaker 2: In the meantime, her adoptive father passes away, after which

854
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:18,720
Speaker 2: her mother moves in with Susan and her family. Susan

855
00:49:19,080 --> 00:49:21,440
Speaker 2: is at a juncture in her life where she feels

856
00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:24,120
Speaker 2: she needs to take the mystery of her biological paternity

857
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:28,400
Speaker 2: into her own hands. She hires a private investigator to

858
00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:33,960
Speaker 2: find out more, to find out anything. What's so interesting

859
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:38,560
Speaker 2: about the timing of you're hiring the private investigator in

860
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:42,719
Speaker 2: the year after your father died is that it's almost like,

861
00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:46,120
Speaker 2: maybe now it was okay to search an earnest in

862
00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:48,080
Speaker 2: some way because you were so close with your father.

863
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:51,400
Speaker 1: Yeah. I also felt like my birth mother and I

864
00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:53,640
Speaker 1: were not in contact at that time, and I was like,

865
00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:56,200
Speaker 1: there's nothing left to lose, and also felt like she's

866
00:49:56,480 --> 00:49:58,719
Speaker 1: clearly not going to tell me, and I have to

867
00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,120
Speaker 1: take this into my own hands if I'm still interested

868
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:01,839
Speaker 1: in doing this.

869
00:50:03,560 --> 00:50:07,000
Speaker 2: The private investigator, however, HiT's a dead end. He even

870
00:50:07,160 --> 00:50:10,200
Speaker 2: calls Yumi at one point and has a conversation with her.

871
00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:13,120
Speaker 2: He comes back to Susan telling her that Umi has

872
00:50:13,239 --> 00:50:16,040
Speaker 2: absolutely no interest in this and there's nothing else for

873
00:50:16,120 --> 00:50:20,040
Speaker 2: him to do. Susan's defeated, and another long stretch of

874
00:50:20,080 --> 00:50:24,440
Speaker 2: time passes nearly fifteen years. It's twenty seventeen and now

875
00:50:24,560 --> 00:50:27,600
Speaker 2: DNA tests exists and they cost under one hundred dollars,

876
00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:30,799
Speaker 2: so she sends away for one, which leads her to

877
00:50:30,840 --> 00:50:34,200
Speaker 2: make a series of discoveries, some larger than others.

878
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:39,040
Speaker 1: So it was three years where not much happened because

879
00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:42,360
Speaker 1: I think with every year that goes by, more people

880
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:45,680
Speaker 1: enter the database. And so at first there was like

881
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:49,560
Speaker 1: hardly anything, and I gave up on it. And then

882
00:50:49,719 --> 00:50:53,440
Speaker 1: I have a friend who's a genetic genealogist, and I

883
00:50:53,480 --> 00:50:55,040
Speaker 1: was like, I can't make heads or tails of this.

884
00:50:55,080 --> 00:50:58,799
Speaker 1: I'm getting all these seventh cousins or whatever. And she said, well,

885
00:50:58,880 --> 00:51:01,160
Speaker 1: let me take a look, let me look at your

886
00:51:01,440 --> 00:51:04,960
Speaker 1: DNA situation, and so I gave her access to my

887
00:51:05,040 --> 00:51:08,160
Speaker 1: ancestry and then I got a call from her, you know,

888
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:10,920
Speaker 1: twenty seventeen, and she said, you've got a close match

889
00:51:11,239 --> 00:51:14,440
Speaker 1: and I'm going to look into this. And I think

890
00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:16,040
Speaker 1: I had going to have something for you. And then

891
00:51:16,200 --> 00:51:18,920
Speaker 1: a couple hours later, she's like, I think we nailed it.

892
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:22,400
Speaker 1: We found him. And then she told me that he

893
00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:27,319
Speaker 1: had died in twenty fourteen, just three years before. But

894
00:51:27,440 --> 00:51:30,440
Speaker 1: she said he's got a sister, and his sister looks awesome.

895
00:51:30,520 --> 00:51:34,200
Speaker 1: I found her social media presence and it looks like

896
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:38,759
Speaker 1: she's a progressive, wonderful person, and I think you and

897
00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:42,280
Speaker 1: she would really get along. And I was like, okay,

898
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:44,960
Speaker 1: So she had found a phone number for this person,

899
00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:48,359
Speaker 1: and I called her up and I said, I think

900
00:51:48,400 --> 00:51:52,600
Speaker 1: that your brother might be my father, and she said what,

901
00:51:53,719 --> 00:51:56,240
Speaker 1: And then in the next breath she said, well, welcome

902
00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:59,600
Speaker 1: to the family. And I almost can't even I can't

903
00:51:59,600 --> 00:52:03,080
Speaker 1: even talk about without crying because it's just it was

904
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:08,799
Speaker 1: so not my experience for this thirty five years. She

905
00:52:08,840 --> 00:52:12,600
Speaker 1: wanted to know everything about me. She was so ecstatic,

906
00:52:13,680 --> 00:52:16,680
Speaker 1: so happy to know me, and I didn't even know

907
00:52:16,719 --> 00:52:20,000
Speaker 1: what to do with it. It was so the opposite of

908
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:21,399
Speaker 1: everything I had experienced.

909
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:28,759
Speaker 2: And with Auntie Liz, there were no secrets. It was

910
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:32,480
Speaker 2: the opposite of secrecy, right suddenly, Yeah, she wanted to

911
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:37,040
Speaker 2: introduce you to everyone. And welcome to the family wasn't

912
00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:39,200
Speaker 2: just a phrase, it was she enacted it.

913
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:43,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was big. I went there to meet her

914
00:52:44,440 --> 00:52:47,480
Speaker 1: and it was I don't know, I can't even describe.

915
00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:50,799
Speaker 1: It was such a warm and complete welcome. I had

916
00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:54,239
Speaker 1: to let you, may know, I didn't have to but

917
00:52:54,320 --> 00:52:57,399
Speaker 1: I decided to let her know by the way, I've

918
00:52:57,440 --> 00:53:00,480
Speaker 1: made this discovery through DNA, and I just want to

919
00:53:00,520 --> 00:53:04,600
Speaker 1: let you know that it's been confirmed. And that was

920
00:53:04,719 --> 00:53:09,799
Speaker 1: the next breaking off of this is terrible news. And

921
00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:12,600
Speaker 1: it was another period of I don't want to talk

922
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:15,320
Speaker 1: to you again. We need to not be in contact anymore.

923
00:53:15,320 --> 00:53:18,560
Speaker 1: And you finally got what you wanted. Go good for you,

924
00:53:19,680 --> 00:53:23,520
Speaker 1: and I got this feeling of I've lost her irrevocably,

925
00:53:23,640 --> 00:53:27,400
Speaker 1: this is it, she'd done, and I'm getting this other family.

926
00:53:27,760 --> 00:53:30,359
Speaker 1: But I couldn't really focus on that because it was like,

927
00:53:30,960 --> 00:53:34,360
Speaker 1: at what cost was this that this just happened? What

928
00:53:34,520 --> 00:53:37,560
Speaker 1: was the cost? I've got this family, They're so wonderful

929
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:42,160
Speaker 1: to me, they're so welcoming, and it cost her and

930
00:53:42,239 --> 00:53:43,960
Speaker 1: I just had to deal with that again.

931
00:53:46,000 --> 00:53:49,680
Speaker 2: Today. Susan is in her sixties. She's a grandmother, a mother,

932
00:53:50,160 --> 00:53:54,360
Speaker 2: a wife, a niece, an author, and an activist. She

933
00:53:54,440 --> 00:53:58,160
Speaker 2: has a very full life, but the secrets that followed

934
00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:02,000
Speaker 2: her for so long still leave their mark. Many elements

935
00:54:02,040 --> 00:54:05,799
Speaker 2: of her story have been clarified over time, but her

936
00:54:05,840 --> 00:54:06,920
Speaker 2: story is not over.

937
00:54:09,560 --> 00:54:12,439
Speaker 1: It's not over. There are still things that I'm living

938
00:54:12,480 --> 00:54:13,520
Speaker 1: through right now.

939
00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:21,560
Speaker 2: What strikes me is that after a lifetime of being

940
00:54:21,600 --> 00:54:27,239
Speaker 2: a secret, of being compelled and forced to keep a

941
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:34,960
Speaker 2: secret to be the secret, that the impetus to shape

942
00:54:35,000 --> 00:54:40,840
Speaker 2: the story, tell the story, own the story. Is why

943
00:54:41,360 --> 00:54:44,520
Speaker 2: you didn't own your own story. You didn't have the narrative.

944
00:54:44,760 --> 00:54:47,319
Speaker 2: You didn't have those first hundred days. There was so

945
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:50,040
Speaker 2: much that you didn't know. I love what you said

946
00:54:50,040 --> 00:54:54,360
Speaker 2: about non adopted privilege because there are things that people

947
00:54:54,440 --> 00:55:00,080
Speaker 2: walk around just assuming are a certain way and don't know, oh,

948
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:02,120
Speaker 2: any other possibility.

949
00:55:03,080 --> 00:55:06,080
Speaker 1: It's a knowledge that you take for granted, and unless

950
00:55:06,120 --> 00:55:09,160
Speaker 1: you don't have that knowledge, you don't even think about it. Ever,

951
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:12,880
Speaker 1: you don't even think about it until you don't have something,

952
00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:16,520
Speaker 1: you don't realize what it's like not to have it,

953
00:55:16,600 --> 00:55:19,000
Speaker 1: because it's just something. It's like oxygen. You just breathe

954
00:55:19,040 --> 00:55:19,879
Speaker 1: it part of your life.

955
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:27,640
Speaker 2: Here's Susan sharing one more passage from her memoir. Here

956
00:55:27,800 --> 00:55:29,839
Speaker 2: she comes as close as she ever will to her

957
00:55:29,880 --> 00:55:34,400
Speaker 2: genetic father, but at least now she knows.

958
00:55:36,120 --> 00:55:39,520
Speaker 1: It traced his name with my fingers. It stabbed at

959
00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:41,680
Speaker 1: me that his death date was no longer than an

960
00:55:41,760 --> 00:55:45,239
Speaker 1: arm's length into the past, had come so close to

961
00:55:45,320 --> 00:55:49,239
Speaker 1: knowing him thirty seven years of searching, only to miss

962
00:55:49,320 --> 00:55:52,680
Speaker 1: him by thirty six months. What would he have done

963
00:55:52,719 --> 00:55:55,840
Speaker 1: with the news of my existence. Maybe it was just

964
00:55:55,920 --> 00:55:59,759
Speaker 1: as well. It could have been a crushing disappointment. Maybe

965
00:55:59,760 --> 00:56:02,319
Speaker 1: it was best this way to be embraced by my

966
00:56:02,480 --> 00:56:06,400
Speaker 1: enthusiastic aunt, a relative who had no secret past, no

967
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:10,440
Speaker 1: shame or regret. Still, I felt a swirl of overwhelmed

968
00:56:10,480 --> 00:56:13,600
Speaker 1: emotion and numbness as I knelt in the damp grass.

969
00:56:14,600 --> 00:56:17,440
Speaker 1: I unwrapped the cellophane from the chrysanthemums and laid them

970
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:20,759
Speaker 1: down next to his name. The harsh wind bit through

971
00:56:20,760 --> 00:56:24,400
Speaker 1: my fleece coat. I didn't say anything out loud, but

972
00:56:24,480 --> 00:56:41,920
Speaker 1: inside my head I said hello and goodbye.

973
00:56:44,080 --> 00:56:48,160
Speaker 2: Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. Molly's Accur is

974
00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:51,360
Speaker 2: the story editor and Dylan Fagan is the executive producer.

975
00:56:52,600 --> 00:56:54,600
Speaker 2: If you have a family secret you'd like to share,

976
00:56:55,000 --> 00:56:57,440
Speaker 2: please leave us a voicemail and your story could appear

977
00:56:57,440 --> 00:57:00,879
Speaker 2: on an upcoming episode. Our number is one eight eight

978
00:57:00,880 --> 00:57:05,080
Speaker 2: eight Secret zero. That's the number zero. You can also

979
00:57:05,160 --> 00:57:10,040
Speaker 2: find me on Instagram at Danny Ryder and if you'd

980
00:57:10,040 --> 00:57:12,520
Speaker 2: like to know more about the story that inspired this podcast,

981
00:57:12,920 --> 00:57:14,799
Speaker 2: check out my memoir Inheritance.

982
00:57:33,240 --> 00:57:37,480
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

983
00:57:37,560 --> 00:57:39,640
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.