Speaker 1: Okay, we are back on I Do Part two and
Speaker 1: I've got my amazing husband, Alan Russell with me here,
Speaker 1: so let's dive back into some burning questions. Was there
Speaker 1: any point leading up to the wedding did you have
Speaker 1: cold feet?
Speaker 2: No? Zero, No, even though we had a tough week
Speaker 2: leaning not.
Speaker 1: To the wedding, it was not uneasy start.
Speaker 3: No, there was no part of me knew that. There
Speaker 3: was no part of me doesn't want to get married
Speaker 3: to you.
Speaker 1: Never And for those listening, it was listen. It was
Speaker 1: one of those things where we had all the babies
Speaker 1: were sick days before the wedding. Yeah, no sleep we
Speaker 1: were in scott I mean, but it was no, I
Speaker 1: couldn't sleep and insomnia the first time ever experiencing something.
Speaker 1: Yeah it was, Yeah, but it was a beautiful day.
Speaker 1: The wedding ended up being beautiful. I was so tired
Speaker 1: to have any cold feet, But no, I had. I
Speaker 1: had zero. I just feet, Its just tired feet. No,
Speaker 1: it was, But I mean, I but I did in
Speaker 1: previous That's the thing, and that's what I'm like, you know,
Speaker 1: would want people to know, is I knew I've only
Speaker 1: walked down the you know, of the divorces. I only
Speaker 1: walked down the aisle twice. In each one, I had
Speaker 1: that feeling of, oh god, oh really, I'm making the
Speaker 1: wrong decision. Absolutely, the you know, absolutely the first one,
Speaker 1: you know, it was just the only weak marriage was
Speaker 1: I mean, I cried about it in the bathroom at
Speaker 1: the wedding, like I made a mistake. And then the
Speaker 1: second one was you know again you know, ended up
Speaker 1: being my longest marriage. But yeah, I walked down going,
Speaker 1: I don't trust this the second one, Mike, because he
Speaker 1: cheated when we were dating, so I already had I
Speaker 1: didn't trust it, and so but I wanted to believe
Speaker 1: in something, and I wanted to believe a version. So
Speaker 1: I walked down to a version that wasn't real. And
Speaker 1: with us, it was like I knew who I was
Speaker 1: walking down to, Like you gave me zero thoughts the
Speaker 1: opposite way, right, Like I knew who you were, what
Speaker 1: you were, what you were about. And so, you know,
Speaker 1: to anyone redoing their part two, it's like, I think
Speaker 1: that comes with wisdom and to listen to your gut knowing.
Speaker 1: And I gotta imagine, I mean, I don't know, if
Speaker 1: maybe you didn't feel that way, you know with your
Speaker 1: previous I don't know if people have that. I have
Speaker 1: no idea, but I knew, so.
Speaker 2: Yeah, zero cold feet my own BIB.
Speaker 1: Thanks Ben.
Speaker 3: When it comes to how you both approach life, what's
Speaker 3: the biggest difference.
Speaker 1: I think the biggest difference between you and I and
Speaker 1: how we approach life is you approach it with more
Speaker 1: like You're very internal processor and I'm external processor. So
Speaker 1: I want to talk it out. I want to be like,
Speaker 1: all right, what do we doing? How are we doing this?
Speaker 1: Let's just plan this and like let's and it's like
Speaker 1: you are you get really serious, really like in your
Speaker 1: head and I can't facilitate or help when it's like
Speaker 1: the internal processing and that's difficult for an external processor
Speaker 1: being like.
Speaker 3: Ah yeah, I think of it like there was something
Speaker 3: that happened this mornment and I'm the calendar stuff.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah. And part of so Alan, this is one
Speaker 1: of my husband's. This is one of my biggest pet
Speaker 1: peeves in one of I think Alan's weakest things is
Speaker 1: like I done it in the weakest get how do
Speaker 1: you say that? Then like it's you're you're not you know,
Speaker 1: it's not a strength. So like when it comes to
Speaker 1: a calendar. I put everything on the calendar that is
Speaker 1: important that I have to do that day. Alan won't
Speaker 1: put things on the calendar, so I have no clue.
Speaker 1: So when I'm scheduling, because I do all the scheduling,
Speaker 1: I'll schedule the nanny and the it's not that I.
Speaker 2: Don't put them on. I'm just not as consistent as
Speaker 2: you are.
Speaker 1: You don't always put them on, so like you don't
Speaker 1: have any stuff on for tomorrow or the next day,
Speaker 1: so I don't know what's happening. And then I'm scheduling,
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, you have to leave, but I have
Speaker 1: the nanny leaving at this time. And if I don't
Speaker 1: know this, so this morning I'm like, hey, this is
Speaker 1: so frustrating. Like I need to know what's happening so
Speaker 1: I can plan my life, baby's life.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I expect you to know what I'm thinking and
Speaker 3: what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: Well, that is that's it's crazy, like and that's why.
Speaker 3: And like I said, since I mate, you have become
Speaker 3: better at using the calendar on the phone, but I
Speaker 3: expect you to know what's going on in my world,
Speaker 3: and it's.
Speaker 2: Not I should. I need to be better at that.
Speaker 3: So the biggest difference is you're really structured than externalize
Speaker 3: and vocalize the things you need done. Was I'm a
Speaker 3: bit more less organized when it comes to the structure,
Speaker 3: but also I don't vocalize that enough. So you need
Speaker 3: to talk less. Now talk more. It's basically what I'm saying. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and I think my fingers busier with the calendar.
Speaker 1: Okay, noted? Since getting married, what's been the biggest obstacle
Speaker 1: we faced? Did you get through the obstacle or is
Speaker 1: it still something you deal with?
Speaker 2: Probably the Chicago thing.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think it was one of them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's been a couple.
Speaker 1: I think when it was so working around job obstacles
Speaker 1: where his coaching job takes them having to move. I
Speaker 1: can't move because I've got kids here in another co
Speaker 1: parenting situation. I think it becomes an obstacle of all right,
Speaker 1: we'll shoot you know what do we do here? This
Speaker 1: is what you love to do. You love to coach,
Speaker 1: This coaching career is ten eleven months away from the family.
Speaker 1: I can't move. It becomes an obstacle, not became an obstacle.
Speaker 3: That was we got through and we're now getting through
Speaker 3: to a point where I've pivoted and found solutions in
Speaker 3: other ways which are good solutions. Or many things been
Speaker 3: with family and still being able to be flexible, not
Speaker 3: being bogged down at club seven days a week. So
Speaker 3: it was an obstacle that we again we go through that.
Speaker 3: There's been other other obstacles and things that have come
Speaker 3: up that we've got through.
Speaker 1: I think communication has been an obstacle, but we have
Speaker 1: we have a couple of therapist that helps. It's like
Speaker 1: to work on the communication now so that it doesn't
Speaker 1: become a catastrophe in the end. Right, Like if we
Speaker 1: continuously don't communicate well for years to come, well that's
Speaker 1: why at seven years everyone's like exploding, I'm out. So
Speaker 1: I think that's where it's work on the communication on
Speaker 1: the front end, where when you see the problems arise,
Speaker 1: so that way you can be on the same page
Speaker 1: to want to keep fighting for it. But I think
Speaker 1: when couples don't work on the communication in the beginning,
Speaker 1: then when they have so many years in, they're like
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm over it. And there's so many things
Speaker 1: that probably fights that have happened or things that have
Speaker 1: just added so much turmoil into the relationship. Then it
Speaker 1: makes it harder to walk through and make it better.
Speaker 3: More resentment, right, So we do that. A lot of
Speaker 3: people have their opinion on a couple stuff. We do
Speaker 3: it so that our foundation is stronger.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Now we're not walking in at war, and I
Speaker 1: think that's the thing where what I love about therapy
Speaker 1: is you can walk in at peace to not have
Speaker 1: a war. But when you walk in with war, you
Speaker 1: have like a mountain of resentment to work through. What
Speaker 1: counts as cheating to you is liking women's men's pictures
Speaker 1: you don't know on social media?
Speaker 3: Cheating it's thats respectful note of all the Yeah, it's
Speaker 3: a lack of respect. Is it cheating? I think it's
Speaker 3: a form of cheating. Really, I think it's a gatewight
Speaker 3: is cheating?
Speaker 1: Okay, wake time out? Can we.
Speaker 4: No? No?
Speaker 1: No, can we just time out? I need to have
Speaker 1: boundaries on this for one second. Is it people we
Speaker 1: know or don't know?
Speaker 2: Well, the questions is okay, you.
Speaker 1: Don't know, Okay, So yeah, I just want to make
Speaker 1: sure that's very clear because I'm like, shoot, I hearts
Speaker 1: people's that I know that I like, follow or whatever. Okay,
Speaker 1: So that you don't know on social media cheating. I
Speaker 1: think it's a boundary very crossed. Do I think it's cheating.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's cheating. I think it could be
Speaker 1: a boundary if but we've never really talked about that,
Speaker 1: Like I think that I find it disrespectful.
Speaker 3: Percent If I'm like in a woman's picture on social
Speaker 3: media that I don't know and you don't know, that's
Speaker 3: crossing the boundary and that's disrespectful.
Speaker 1: On that topic, I do want to talk about this
Speaker 1: because this bothers me, and this is something when I
Speaker 1: was dating guys, one of the very first things that
Speaker 1: I would do is I would go to their follow
Speaker 1: and see the type of women they're following on Instagram. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that showed me a lot. And if it was the
Speaker 1: certain types of women, I'm not trying. I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: really not trying to like sound because I'm not like
Speaker 1: they're all they're beautiful, They're stunning, they're you know, like, yes,
Speaker 1: the most amazing butts ever, and I think there's a
Speaker 1: certain how do I say this, I don't want it
Speaker 1: to sound like I'm hating on women, because I, in
Speaker 1: no way, shape or form is that at all. But
Speaker 1: if a man is only following these, this is gonna
Speaker 1: sound so bad because I'm like not trying to make
Speaker 1: it out. I don't know if that's the type of
Speaker 1: guy that I would want to be with, because I've
Speaker 1: I've dated face face types of guys that have followed
Speaker 1: and it's not ended. Well, does that make me sound bad?
Speaker 1: But like if that would have been your follow list,
Speaker 1: I would have been so turned off? But like, how
Speaker 1: is that okay for me to say that?
Speaker 3: Though?
Speaker 1: When like, those women are beautiful and it's not it's
Speaker 1: but you're not.
Speaker 2: You're not. Everyone knows what you mean. You don't need
Speaker 2: to say it. Everyone knows what you mean.
Speaker 1: But there's nothing wrong with those type of women at all.
Speaker 3: No, not at all. But you don't want to be
Speaker 3: with a guy that likes that type of women. That's
Speaker 3: fair enough. Yeah, that's your opinion, that's what you'll need us,
Speaker 3: so therefore that's fine.
Speaker 1: But I would say, I guess if we're in a
Speaker 1: relationship and you're still following a bunch of women like that,
Speaker 1: I would have a I would have an issue with that,
Speaker 1: Like I couldn't believe, Like I sometimes when I look
Speaker 1: at guys that I'm like, okay, I know their relationship.
Speaker 1: I'm like, how are they still following all these girls
Speaker 1: like that? And that girlfriend's okay? Like I would not
Speaker 1: be okay if I know that that's what your home
Speaker 1: screen looks like when you're on when when we're together
Speaker 1: in a relationship and your home scream looks like an
Speaker 1: only fans page, I would have a really I would.
Speaker 1: I would struggle with that, and not because I'm insecure,
Speaker 1: but because I don't want my my man looking at
Speaker 1: one of my man looking at that. It's like absolutely, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it respect on a grid because like right,
Speaker 1: like would you want my page to be like all
Speaker 1: these like musclely dudes with their shirt off, like as
Speaker 1: those are the guys that I follow, And then like
Speaker 1: when I go to my homepage, it's all like like
Speaker 1: my homepage is like narcissist abuse, trauma stuff, quotes, kids
Speaker 1: stuff and like funny relationship things because we always yeah,
Speaker 1: means like.
Speaker 3: I think we're pretty I think we are pretty good
Speaker 3: and aligned on a lot of things like this, Like.
Speaker 1: If I'm out in our little sanctuary area and you
Speaker 1: see me on Instagram scrolling and I'm looking at like
Speaker 1: dudes in the gym, would you be upset?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would actually want Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1: Same, I wouldn't like it either.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So which leads me then to is watching pornography cheating again?
Speaker 1: I don't think it's cheating. I think it's a boundary
Speaker 1: and I don't really think have we ever talked? Do
Speaker 1: you watch part?
Speaker 2: No? And I don't think it's something that promotes a health.
Speaker 1: You can be honest, it's only just us.
Speaker 2: I'm being honest.
Speaker 3: I don't think it's something that promotes a healthy man
Speaker 3: or a healthy marriage.
Speaker 1: Yeah, therefore, I know we have discussed that before. I
Speaker 1: don't I wouldn't break up with you over it. But
Speaker 1: it's a triggering thing to my past that I would
Speaker 1: appreciate you not doing. And I think it's something where
Speaker 1: it opens. I think a negative gateway. It could get worse.
Speaker 1: From my personal experience, it gets, it starts there and
Speaker 1: then it grows and it gets worse.
Speaker 2: It's a gateway like a lot of things.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, Is flirting with a waitress of bartender cheating again?
Speaker 1: I think it's a boundary of respect. Is going to
Speaker 1: a strip club cheating again?
Speaker 2: It's not cheating, but it's not something you do to
Speaker 2: promote a healthy marriage.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you go and I'll have your bags packed again.
Speaker 1: Not because I'm not secure, but I just I don't
Speaker 1: want another girl's titties up in your face.
Speaker 2: And you don't need to work it with that, Okay, And.
Speaker 1: I know that that's the thing. Like I I know
Speaker 1: that you are a different type of man, and I
Speaker 1: appreciate that and love that. Thank you for respecting me
Speaker 1: the way that you do, not saying that a guy
Speaker 1: going to a strip club doesn't respect a girl. I
Speaker 1: wanted to put that out there too. But if that's
Speaker 1: fine with you, and you don't care like for dudes,
Speaker 1: like letting the dudes go out for a night out.
Speaker 1: I just I know girls that are fine with it.
Speaker 1: I have friends that are like, yeah, it's fine if
Speaker 1: they just go for fun. I just didn't want that,
Speaker 1: and I think it's been too much of my past trauma.
Speaker 3: Yeah, listen again, if you flip the situation like we
Speaker 3: do in a manager. If you're going to a club
Speaker 3: but a guy he's robbing, he's a good troll over
Speaker 3: your leg and your face and stuff that am I
Speaker 3: going to be happy with that?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the rule. We live by flip it. Anything
Speaker 1: in life, flip it. If it's he's doing something, he
Speaker 1: flips it, would like me doing that. If the answer
Speaker 1: is no, don't do it.
Speaker 2: Exactly is having a subscription to only fins.
Speaker 1: It's just not again boundaries.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Do you think it's ever okay to tell little lies
Speaker 1: in a relationship?
Speaker 2: It's not unless it's a fun one.
Speaker 3: Because a fun lie like a present you've got them
Speaker 3: and you've told them you've not got them a present.
Speaker 1: I have lied in obviously past relationships to protect the
Speaker 1: how do I say this to me? It's like irrelevant
Speaker 1: or I didn't want to blow up. I don't want
Speaker 1: to be a fight. But in this relationship, I mean,
Speaker 1: I've come to you with hard things when you've asked me,
Speaker 1: or when you've asked me a question and like a
Speaker 1: piece of he's like, oh, just so I no, because
Speaker 1: it's like it doesn't matter. It was back in when
Speaker 1: you were twenty in la and like who cares? And
Speaker 1: what I love about our relationship is that I can
Speaker 1: say like, I've never lied to you, and I you know,
Speaker 1: and there's been something where you asked me and I'm like,
Speaker 1: and it was tough because you didn't like the answer.
Speaker 1: But I'm like, which one would you have wanted more?
Speaker 1: Because damn did I want to lie to you? Boy?
Speaker 1: Did I not want to tell you the truth? Because
Speaker 1: I didn't want this reaction?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not exactly which one your thought about it?
Speaker 1: Yeah, but which one at the end of the day.
Speaker 3: But actually made me respect you more for the terrific
Speaker 3: out your move.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I mean that. Yeah, that was better than hindsight.
Speaker 2: Yeah, longer term, that's better.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, It's not easy, but it's better.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: What drives you nuts about the other?
Speaker 2: What drives me nuts about you?
Speaker 3: As you revert to feeling like you have to do
Speaker 3: everything yourself, you go into solo mode. It drives me
Speaker 3: nuts because I'm always here for you, and I'm always
Speaker 3: here to try and help with things. I might not
Speaker 3: always be forthcoming, but I'm always thinking, how can I help?
Speaker 3: But how can I make a day better? How can
Speaker 3: I So when you feel like I'll just do it
Speaker 3: myself because That's where I'm going to be doing, That's
Speaker 3: how I'm going to do it, And that drives me crazy.
Speaker 1: I get it. Is there anything we haven't asked each other?
Speaker 2: But relation not that I know of No, I think
Speaker 2: we've been asked that question before.
Speaker 1: At any point in our relationship, have we not prioritized intimacy?
Speaker 1: New we good in that area. I think it's something
Speaker 1: where we know it's important to both of us, and
Speaker 1: so we are always either touching each other. And it's
Speaker 1: not just sex, like we have a very healthy sex life,
Speaker 1: but it's we're constantly touching each other, hand, kiss, We're
Speaker 1: connected even in the passings, which arguments tend to repeat
Speaker 1: in our relationship.
Speaker 3: My quietness, my me internalizing before I externalize things.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and sometimes like the words yeah, I think before
Speaker 1: we speak. If you could see into our future together,
Speaker 1: what would you like to know?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: Did we make it okay? Did all kids survive? Did
Speaker 1: we make it that we managed to No? I would say,
Speaker 1: if you could look into our future, would I like
Speaker 1: to know that it was gosh, it's such a good
Speaker 1: es And I would that we took it in and
Speaker 1: we enjoyed it all. Would be kind of my thing, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because we're so busy in kids and the whole thing,
Speaker 1: and it's I'd like to look back and go, Okay,
Speaker 1: we we did, you know, went through some tough times
Speaker 1: great times, and we're stronger and.
Speaker 3: Oh, I would simplify it as what i'd lengthens that
Speaker 3: we never took each other for granted.
Speaker 1: And always respected. Yeah yeah, but I already kind of
Speaker 1: know that's like that we were always going to have
Speaker 1: that respect for each other. Well, thank you Habi for
Speaker 1: coming on the podcast. Those were some questions that were
Speaker 1: that were good we got answered there. Uh, do you
Speaker 1: have a question when it comes to dating in your
Speaker 1: chapter two? Call us or email us. We're here to
Speaker 1: guide you. All the info is on the show notes,
Speaker 1: follow us on socials. Make sure to rate and review
Speaker 1: the podcast I Do Part two and iHeartRadio podcast We're
Speaker 1: Falling in Love of is the main objective