Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: For decades, humans have been trying to not only find
Speaker 3: other planets for us to destroy, but also intelligent life
Speaker 3: for us to colonize.
Speaker 1: And we've tried everything. You know.
Speaker 3: We sent out deep space probes, we sent out radio
Speaker 3: waves in the fifties, we sent like a bunch of
Speaker 3: dogs and monkeys for some reason. But now, after decades
Speaker 3: of no luck, NASA has decided to take things up
Speaker 3: a notch.
Speaker 4: NASA scientists planned to send pictures of naked humans into space,
Speaker 4: hoping to catch the attention of aliens. Nudes will come
Speaker 4: with an invitation to respond. Pictures aren't graphic, just a
Speaker 4: drawing of a naked man and a woman next to
Speaker 4: a picture of DNA. NASA revealed this as part of
Speaker 4: a project called Beacon in the Galaxy to send a
Speaker 4: message to any alien civilizations.
Speaker 3: Okay, first things first, they've got to hire more women
Speaker 3: over at NASA, because only dudes would think the best
Speaker 3: way to introduce yourself is with unsolicited nudes.
Speaker 1: Hey, aliens, you up there? What are we doing?
Speaker 3: Those aliens are going to be really upset that they
Speaker 3: turned on their air drop for everyone in the galaxy.
Speaker 3: But also, but also, but also, if you are going
Speaker 3: to send nudes, why would you send these nudes? Let
Speaker 3: me tell you something that if I was an alien,
Speaker 3: no way in hell I'm coming to this planet. Like
Speaker 3: if someone sent me these nudes and they said, hey,
Speaker 3: I'd be like, I am so far from up. I'm
Speaker 3: in a coma.
Speaker 1: I will never be up again. I mean, look at
Speaker 1: this thing, because think you're sex thing with an atari.
Speaker 1: What is that? Huh? The woman doesn't even have a nose.
Speaker 1: Look at that shit. Think about when we say either
Speaker 1: this planet has.
Speaker 3: Zero technology, because this is how they draw themselves. Oh,
Speaker 3: this is how they actually look. Either way, I'm not coming.
Speaker 3: I'm not coming. That's a terrible thing to say.
Speaker 1: Like maybe if I was like a thirteen year old alien,
Speaker 1: I could make that work. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: But how are these the news that we're sending to aliens.
Speaker 3: If we want aliens to get interested, don't send them
Speaker 3: an etcher sketch drawing, send them coupons for only fans.
Speaker 1: Come on, man, get them in the game.
Speaker 3: And you know, honestly, even if the aliens are interested,
Speaker 3: I think we've got to be careful. This is sending
Speaker 3: the wrong idea about us into the galaxy. Just imagine
Speaker 3: for a second the very first thing we send to
Speaker 3: aliens is naked photos.
Speaker 1: What are we only trying.
Speaker 3: To make contact with the horniest aliens in the universe? Yeah, no,
Speaker 3: wonder every time they abduct someone, they probe their butts.
Speaker 1: We're sending out the wrong vibe. You understand how scary
Speaker 1: this is. You know what's gonna happen here, right?
Speaker 3: The aliens are gonna get here and they're just gonna
Speaker 3: expect to smash immediately.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then they're gonna be disappointed. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Imagine if someone you've never even met before texted you
Speaker 3: nudes and then you go there and they're like, cool,
Speaker 3: now that you hear, I wanted to introduce you to
Speaker 3: Joe Biden. That is the worst catfishing ever. They'll blow
Speaker 3: up our planets just for that. Don't come your horny
Speaker 3: horny and be like, take us to your laid up
Speaker 3: we're here to smash.
Speaker 1: Now we're in trouble.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 3: The only way that would work out is if the
Speaker 3: aliens come and Trump is President's Yeah, no, no no,
Speaker 3: because if there's one thing I'll tell you about Trump, he'd.
Speaker 1: Shit out of those aliens.
Speaker 3: It'd be like, I don't know what they have down there,
Speaker 3: but I'm grabbing it.
Speaker 1: I'm grabbing it. Cave your aliens.
Speaker 6: We should actually hope, we actually should hope that this
Speaker 6: only reaches the whole horny aliens, because you realize how.
Speaker 1: Offensive this is gonna be.
Speaker 3: If it just ends up in front of a normal alien,
Speaker 3: they are going to be so pissed off.
Speaker 7: Sheila, those are pergits left pornography on the load. Yes,
Speaker 7: I'm sure it's not my pornographe you know I wouldn't
Speaker 7: be yanking my floor flax to a drawing of two
Speaker 7: hells monkeys.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean one doesn't even have a.
Speaker 7: Know, Sheilah. Come on, you know what I'm into, and
Speaker 7: it's not desk crap. Plus, I don't need pornography.
Speaker 1: I only need you. You know, I love your baby.
Speaker 1: I love you, Sheilah.
Speaker 3: For decades now, humans have been obsessed with trying to
Speaker 3: get to Mars.
Speaker 1: Why, well, we just want to see what it's like.
Speaker 3: You know, it's not like there's anything wrong with Earth.
Speaker 3: We just want to see what's going on out there,
Speaker 3: you know. Yeah, it's the same way your dad is
Speaker 3: currently looking for apartments the.
Speaker 1: Marriage is fine. He just he just needs a place
Speaker 1: to hang. You know. The important thing is that it's
Speaker 1: not your fault. It's not your fault anyway.
Speaker 3: The point is humans are desperate to find out everything
Speaker 3: we can about Mars.
Speaker 1: You know, did it used to have water? Can it
Speaker 1: support life? Can it be gentrified?
Speaker 3: And now, thanks to NASA, we've discovered something amazing on
Speaker 3: the Red planets.
Speaker 1: NASA says it's ingenuity.
Speaker 2: Mars helicopter recently discovered and surveyed the debrief from the
Speaker 2: agency's Perseverance Rover mission on Mars one year ago. NASA
Speaker 2: photos show both the parachute that helped the rover land
Speaker 2: on Mars, as well as the cone shaped backshell that
Speaker 2: protected it during its fiery descent toward the Martian surface
Speaker 2: on February eighteenth, twenty twenty one. NASA says being able
Speaker 2: to look at some of the components that enabled the
Speaker 2: rover to get safely to the Martian surface could provide
Speaker 2: valuable insights for future missions.
Speaker 1: That's it. Where are you kidding me?
Speaker 3: That's NASA's big discovery on Mars is some garbage that
Speaker 3: they left there. Why are you announcing? What do you
Speaker 3: I expect the shit from a five year old. Look,
Speaker 3: the greatest space agency in the world. Look, mommy, I
Speaker 3: found your poop in the toilet.
Speaker 1: That's your poop. Is well.
Speaker 3: How is NASA prouder that we left trash on March?
Speaker 1: Think about that?
Speaker 3: Huh?
Speaker 1: If anything, we should be embarrassed.
Speaker 3: The first thing we do on another planet is lita.
Speaker 3: I mean, I guess it's good to set expectations early,
Speaker 3: but still, guys, can you imagine what the Martians think
Speaker 3: of us right now?
Speaker 7: Shayla Shyla, the two legged freaks came back again and
Speaker 7: left war trash.
Speaker 1: I swear to Glorp if they move here, we're going
Speaker 1: to vanish.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 7: I don't care if it's further from your sister. At
Speaker 7: least it doesn't have these shaved monkeys showing up and
Speaker 7: leaving the shit on our lawn.
Speaker 3: I would love some teeth, Thank you, honey. Blasting off
Speaker 3: just got a whole new meaning. Listen to this.
Speaker 8: NASA scientists are researching the behavior of sperm in space.
Speaker 8: They sent samples aboord the Falcon nine rocket last week.
Speaker 8: Scientists want to know whether humans would be able to
Speaker 8: reproduce in micro gravity.
Speaker 3: Wow, NASA is experimenting with space sperm. That's one small
Speaker 3: step for man, one giant load of mankind.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I think we finally got to the bottom of what
Speaker 3: those ink blotches were in arrival.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Those aliens were literally coming in peace. That's all
Speaker 1: they were doing. They were communicating with us.
Speaker 3: And now NASA says that this is the first sperm
Speaker 3: in space, right, And I bet every dude astronaut is like, yeah, yeah, first, yeah,
Speaker 3: come on it.
Speaker 1: Men have been in space for almost sixty years now.
Speaker 3: There's no ways in hell this is the first space sperm.
Speaker 1: You put a dude in a hotel room.
Speaker 3: Within five minutes, he's jacked off twice.
Speaker 1: You know, these guys are in the space station as
Speaker 1: soon as they got there.
Speaker 3: Just like, oh, honestly, I think NASA needs to slow
Speaker 3: its role because I don't know if you realize this.
Speaker 3: Just consider how all of this looks if you're an alien. First,
Speaker 3: humans send up telescopes to creepily watch them from afar, right,
Speaker 3: and then we sent up mixtapes, and then we sen
Speaker 3: up nudes, and now we're sending sperm. Like at this point,
Speaker 3: it just feels like we're sexually harassing.
Speaker 1: Aliens that was.
Speaker 3: It feels like I wouldn't be surprised if out first
Speaker 3: contact was the aliens coming down and just saying like, hey,
Speaker 3: take a hint, We're not interested.
Speaker 1: Hashtag me too, hashtag gloves are Welcome back to the
Speaker 1: Daily Show.
Speaker 5: My guest tonight is a former NASA astronaut and New
Speaker 5: York Times bestselling author who's here to talk about his
Speaker 5: latest book, Moonshot, a NASA Astronaut's guide to Achieving the Impossible.
Speaker 5: Please welcome, Mike Massomino.
Speaker 1: Man uh okay, I am.
Speaker 5: I am a huge space nerd okay, So most of
Speaker 5: my tattoos are space related. From Voyager one on. I
Speaker 5: knew when I was backstage that I needed to come
Speaker 5: up with very smart, engaging questions for you. You've been to
Speaker 5: space twice, and so I.
Speaker 1: Wrote a bunch of them down. But I just got
Speaker 1: to ask your help. Coolness to go to space.
Speaker 9: And it's pretty cool, yes, so cool.
Speaker 1: I would say.
Speaker 9: The coolest part though, of it was getting a chance
Speaker 9: of space walking. It was pretty cool inside the spaceship
Speaker 9: you're doing some work and looking at the window. Floating
Speaker 9: arounds kind of cool. But you go outside in a
Speaker 9: space suit. Now the whole world opens up to you.
Speaker 9: You can see the planet and how beautiful it is.
Speaker 9: And when I first saw the planet from a spacewalk,
Speaker 9: you can kind of see it. It's an entiret to
Speaker 9: see the curvature of it. And I thought to myself,
Speaker 9: it's so beautiful. It's more beautiful than human eyes can withstand.
Speaker 9: I shouldn't be looking at this, and I actually turned
Speaker 9: my head, don't look at it. And then I said,
Speaker 9: you idiot, of course you're supposed to look at it.
Speaker 1: What a you're going to get?
Speaker 9: So I looked again, and I just got overcome with emotion.
Speaker 9: I started to tear up a little bit cal and
Speaker 9: then I got petrified because if you introduce water into
Speaker 9: your spacesuit, it could cause a problem and there would
Speaker 9: be an investigation. And I have to admit that I
Speaker 9: would cry, and there's no crying in space. Your friends
Speaker 9: will make fun of you. But the third time I looked,
Speaker 9: the thought that went through my mind was this is
Speaker 9: a view from heaven. This is a heavenly view. And
Speaker 9: then it was replaced by another thought, which was, this
Speaker 9: is what heaven must look like. I think we're living
Speaker 9: in an absolute paradise. You can also see the thinness
Speaker 9: of the atmosphere. You turn about global warming, that atmosphere,
Speaker 9: that thin line. If you think of the Earth as
Speaker 9: an onion, that top thin layer of the onion is
Speaker 9: the size relationship of our atmosphere to the rest of
Speaker 9: our planet. That's the only thing that's keeping us alive.
Speaker 9: You look the other direction, you see the earth here,
Speaker 9: and you look out here, and you see the darkness.
Speaker 9: Kind of cool, you see start, we checked out the neighborhood. Man,
Speaker 9: We've got nowhere to go. We've got to make this
Speaker 9: planet work.
Speaker 5: When you're I mean, when you're up there, Look, you
Speaker 5: give me chills when you were talking about that. When
Speaker 5: you look at the world, I think most of us,
Speaker 5: you know, we feel like things are kind of shitty
Speaker 5: right now.
Speaker 1: You know there are a lot of problems.
Speaker 5: Yeah, Do you have hope when you're up there and
Speaker 5: you look at things, it sounds like you only fallst
Speaker 5: on the beauty.
Speaker 9: Yeah, absolutely, because I think you see the Earth the
Speaker 9: way it's supposed to be seen. From that vantage point,
Speaker 9: you just see its beautiful creation. And I have the sense,
Speaker 9: I really do believe we're living in a paradise.
Speaker 4: Now.
Speaker 9: People will mess it up right. We do lots of
Speaker 9: bad things to each other, and there's a lot of
Speaker 9: bad stuff going on, but I think there is that
Speaker 9: possibility for happiness and love and beauty, and we should
Speaker 9: try to remember that every day. Every day, I try
Speaker 9: to remember that view and apply it here on Earth.
Speaker 9: You know, whether I'm on the New York City subway
Speaker 9: or I'm looking at the ocean, you know, wherever it is,
Speaker 9: there's beauty everywhere.
Speaker 1: You.
Speaker 5: I was reading this, You got rejected from the NASA
Speaker 5: space program three times. Did you have a plan that
Speaker 5: at a certain point you were going to give up?
Speaker 5: Or how did you persevere?
Speaker 9: No, I'd still be trying now, I think. I don't
Speaker 9: think I was first. So NASA puts out a call
Speaker 9: for astronaut applications every couple of years. They still do
Speaker 9: that for those who are interested. The first time I applied,
Speaker 9: I got a letter back that said no. Right, I
Speaker 9: applied again, and I got another letter back a few
Speaker 9: years after that first time that said no with an
Speaker 9: exclamation point. But I kept try. A third time I
Speaker 9: got an interview. So the interview is not just an interview,
Speaker 9: but it's also a bunch of medical exams, and I
Speaker 9: was medically disqualified because of my eyesight. I couldn't pass
Speaker 9: the medical exam, the eye exam, and it was pretty
Speaker 9: disheartening because once you're disqualified, they said they won't even
Speaker 9: read my application again, and they didn't accept any medical procedures.
Speaker 9: But I found out about vision training, so little kids,
Speaker 9: when their eyes are still developing, if they have eye issues,
Speaker 9: they can go through training and improve their eye muscles
Speaker 9: in their vision. And I made an appointment with him,
Speaker 9: an optometrist, and she sees me sitting in a chair
Speaker 9: and she goes, I've never worked with an adult, And
Speaker 9: I said, doctor hopping, I can be sore mature. You
Speaker 9: won't know the difference.
Speaker 1: Please.
Speaker 9: I begged her to help me, and she did, and
Speaker 9: I was able to pick up a couple of lines
Speaker 9: just so I could try again. At least I could
Speaker 9: submit again, and I got another interview, and then I
Speaker 9: got picked on the fourth try, so I'd still be.
Speaker 1: Going at it.
Speaker 5: When when I was in seventh grade, yeah, I went
Speaker 5: to Space Camp. I was the Shuttle commander at Space Camp.
Speaker 5: I wanted to be an astronaut and they told me
Speaker 5: there the whole vision thing.
Speaker 9: At the time.
Speaker 5: At the time, I wore contact lenses, so I was like, oh,
Speaker 5: I guess I can't be an astronaut. And then later
Speaker 5: I was like, oh, also, I'm bad at science and math,
Speaker 5: so like that's probably yeah.
Speaker 9: The other party, I should never let things stop you
Speaker 9: from at least try and there you go.
Speaker 1: See that, you know, there you go.
Speaker 5: You you recently, I think commended Congress for investigating UFOs
Speaker 5: or at least sort of all that. Whenever I see
Speaker 5: these stories on TV, I feel like everybody just thinks
Speaker 5: of like aliens coming down here, right, yeah, And no
Speaker 5: one ever talks about the difference between life that seems
Speaker 5: to exist Drake equation and all of that out there
Speaker 5: versus intelligent life and the possibility that intelligent life could.
Speaker 1: Have visited us.
Speaker 5: Can you walk us through what each of those things
Speaker 5: are and why there's so much hyperund it?
Speaker 9: I think, well, the congressional thing, what NASA has been
Speaker 9: doing is looking into UAPs. There used to be UFOs,
Speaker 9: I kind of like UFO, yeah, right, but now the
Speaker 9: UAP unidentified aerial phenomenon. And so they put together a
Speaker 9: pretty good committee on that, very reputable people, and they
Speaker 9: came up with the finding that about ninety five percent
Speaker 9: of the sightings can be explained, but there's still that
Speaker 9: five percent we don't know what it is. That doesn't
Speaker 9: mean it's et coming to visit, you know. It's probably
Speaker 9: a weather phenomenon, or maybe some other aircraft they don't recognize,
Speaker 9: or a drone or something. So I think it's good
Speaker 9: to trying to find out what that five percent of
Speaker 9: whatever they don't know is yet that's flying around here.
Speaker 9: The intelligent life versus the signs of life. The intelligent
Speaker 9: life is like et own up. There's no real evidence
Speaker 9: of that happening yet, and we don't really have the
Speaker 9: ability to go that far to find anybody. So they
Speaker 9: got to come find us. We need, you know, they
Speaker 9: need whoever it is, they've got to come and find us.
Speaker 9: I think that day will probably happen sometime. It hasn't
Speaker 9: happened yet. But the search for life, even within our
Speaker 9: own solar system, which I find very intriguing. We thought that, like,
Speaker 9: for example, the way out at the end of our
Speaker 9: solar system, some of the moons that are out there
Speaker 9: around Jupiter, we thought they were just frozen blocks of ice.
Speaker 9: And what we find is that they're warmer than we
Speaker 9: expected and there's probably oceans underneath that ice, and we
Speaker 9: think that life began and the oceans here on our planet,
Speaker 9: So who knows what could be going on. There probably
Speaker 9: not any real life that we would think, or intelligent life,
Speaker 9: but even just those building blocks being that close to us,
Speaker 9: I think gives us hope that there's probably somebody else
Speaker 9: out there. There are billions of galaxies with billions of
Speaker 9: stars in each, most of which have multiple planets orbiting
Speaker 9: around those stars. I think I can't imagine we're the
Speaker 9: only ones here in the universe, but we still haven't
Speaker 9: found each other yet.
Speaker 1: That's stars setting. I mean, I hope we do in
Speaker 1: our lifetime.
Speaker 9: I'd be very excited when that happens. That's gonna be
Speaker 9: big news.
Speaker 1: I wanted to ask you, huge news. I mean I
Speaker 1: was secretly just hoping.
Speaker 5: You you roll in here, like, all right, let me
Speaker 5: tell you something.
Speaker 1: No, I don't have it in the program I can
Speaker 1: tell you.
Speaker 9: Yeah, No, I wish I could. No, I have nothing
Speaker 9: like that. Oh that's fine, Well, big news. I think
Speaker 9: it's hard to cover that one up. You know, it's
Speaker 9: we're going to find out when we know. I agree,
Speaker 9: Mike mass everybody explore.
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