1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:08,160 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:11,200 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,640 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:24,680 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with 6 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:40,159 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. I don't think people really understand that, 7 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 1: in addition to our external relationships with people, that we 8 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:49,199 Speaker 1: have an internal relationship going on with people. And one 9 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 1: of the most important internal relationships that we have is 10 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:58,080 Speaker 1: the relationship that we have with the pieces and parts 11 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:03,279 Speaker 1: of ourselves that have war walked through our life experiences. 12 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,959 Speaker 1: There's a part of you that remembers not being picked 13 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,520 Speaker 1: for the team. There's a part of you that remembers 14 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:13,320 Speaker 1: failing that spelling test. There's a part of you that 15 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,800 Speaker 1: remembers daddy not being home. There's a part of you 16 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,000 Speaker 1: that remembers your mom didn't yell at your brother the 17 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,000 Speaker 1: way here. There's a part of you. These are the 18 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 1: little people inside of us, and although we mature and 19 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:29,720 Speaker 1: grow up, they don't. And it is important, it is 20 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:35,200 Speaker 1: absolutely essential to our well being to have a good 21 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,720 Speaker 1: relationship with the pieces and parts of us, because if 22 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:43,280 Speaker 1: we don't, those pieces and parts of us are gonna 23 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:48,840 Speaker 1: run our lives. And no place do they show up quicker, faster, 24 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 1: and more dysfunctionally than in our relationships with other people, 25 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:59,320 Speaker 1: because anything that they want, anything that they need, they're 26 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 1: gonna send you searching for it outside. We all have them, 27 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:10,120 Speaker 1: and my guest today has identified some of her pieces 28 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:16,760 Speaker 1: and parts. Listen, welcome to the arts about to love it. 29 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,200 Speaker 1: Thank you for calling in And what is your relationship 30 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:25,480 Speaker 1: challenge issue dilemma that we can chew on together today? Oh? Yes, 31 00:02:25,639 --> 00:02:29,880 Speaker 1: thank you so much. My challenge is as I heal, 32 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:34,720 Speaker 1: how do I release feelings of blame about a lot 33 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:39,519 Speaker 1: of what I'm healing from coming from childhood and family 34 00:02:39,919 --> 00:02:43,880 Speaker 1: that had their own unhealed trauma and et cetera. But 35 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:48,040 Speaker 1: then I picked up these behaviors and mindset. I want 36 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:52,400 Speaker 1: to go forward in my healing and not feel this blame. 37 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 1: I think I carry a little bit for people that 38 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:59,639 Speaker 1: I do love and want to remain in relationship with, 39 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 1: But I don't want to keep going back to this 40 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,799 Speaker 1: is where this came from and those negative feelings about 41 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 1: it and what boundaries would look like to continue being 42 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:16,360 Speaker 1: in relationship with them if they've not changed, Okay, So 43 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 1: are you blaming them or are they blaming you? I'm 44 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:25,760 Speaker 1: blaming them. I'm blaming them for things in childhood. You know, 45 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,280 Speaker 1: when you get molested, you weren't being protected. When you 46 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,239 Speaker 1: tell about being molested, and you don't go to therapies, 47 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:36,760 Speaker 1: you weren't supported. And a lot of my experience in 48 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 1: childhood was like feeling not safe and kind of just like, well, 49 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 1: just figure it out and keep going. And then as 50 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,600 Speaker 1: I became an adult, which involved being a team mom, 51 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 1: that's basically how I handled life. I would go through 52 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,200 Speaker 1: things that were very traumatic, not talk about them, and 53 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,360 Speaker 1: just keep going, and it just piled up until one 54 00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,760 Speaker 1: day I was like, I have got to do something 55 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 1: for myself with all this stuff that I'm carrying. And 56 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:07,200 Speaker 1: as I've been doing the work, I find myself getting 57 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:10,720 Speaker 1: angry at my parents and getting angry at my family, 58 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,000 Speaker 1: and I don't want to carry all of that while 59 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,600 Speaker 1: I'm doing all this work with myself because I'm getting better, 60 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:21,240 Speaker 1: but I do have these feelings. So your feelings are 61 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:25,039 Speaker 1: what what are those feelings that you have feelings of? 62 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 1: Maybe my parents they didn't have what I may have needed. 63 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,680 Speaker 1: I want to forgive them for that. So what's the feeling. 64 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 1: The feeling is, it's anger is I can't lean on 65 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 1: you and I need to be able to rely on 66 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,680 Speaker 1: you and trust you and lean on you, and I 67 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 1: couldn't then, and I still feel like I can't now. Okay, 68 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:57,599 Speaker 1: this is quite juicy. I know you blame them for 69 00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,960 Speaker 1: not protecting you or not give in you what you're needed, 70 00:05:01,839 --> 00:05:06,760 Speaker 1: for not teaching you how to address challenges, issues, difficulties. 71 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:14,120 Speaker 1: What else? I blamed them for not guiding me. And 72 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:18,479 Speaker 1: I blamed them for some of how I've had to 73 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:22,040 Speaker 1: work on my communication and being open and honest coming 74 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:26,240 Speaker 1: from not feeling like they were open and honest. I 75 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,400 Speaker 1: blamed them for me not really understanding what love should 76 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:33,640 Speaker 1: look like. And so in adulthood, I I thought things 77 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,240 Speaker 1: that I was being involved with was love and it 78 00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:40,600 Speaker 1: really wasn't. Mm hmm. The pain I feel in that 79 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,240 Speaker 1: it's connected to what I just didn't get when I 80 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:49,039 Speaker 1: was a child. You think it's their fault that you 81 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:57,719 Speaker 1: didn't get what you needed and therefore you repeated the patterns. Right. 82 00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,680 Speaker 1: I feel like once I became an adult, of actions 83 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,640 Speaker 1: were my choices and when I realized I was making 84 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,080 Speaker 1: a lot of bad twins of the Young Lone Cad 85 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,800 Speaker 1: and seen the show and I'm like, well, where did 86 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:13,360 Speaker 1: this come from? Why was I making these choices? Why 87 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:16,640 Speaker 1: was I feeling about this way? About myself so low? 88 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:20,479 Speaker 1: And I just started to reflect on the past, which 89 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:24,599 Speaker 1: I have never done. I see a father that abandoned me, 90 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 1: and I went and looked for him when I was 91 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,880 Speaker 1: an adult and tried to start a relationship with him. 92 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,839 Speaker 1: But then I'm like, well, maybe this has to do 93 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,440 Speaker 1: with my poor choices with men. Was because of what 94 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: I didn't get from dad and my mother raising me 95 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,200 Speaker 1: as a single mother, and her boyfriend that she got 96 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,520 Speaker 1: was a boyfriend that was a predator, and I had 97 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,359 Speaker 1: to deal with that at the age of ten. Some 98 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:49,200 Speaker 1: of what I'm trying to undo an adulthood is bringing 99 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,000 Speaker 1: me back to those moments, and it's making me angry 100 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,159 Speaker 1: and I don't want to feel that way towards my 101 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:59,240 Speaker 1: parents and my family. Well, you can give yourself permission 102 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:06,279 Speaker 1: to be damn mad. I mean you do feel it, yeah, 103 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,839 Speaker 1: And if you say you don't, then you're being as 104 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:14,720 Speaker 1: dishonest as you accuse them of being. Why so give yourself. 105 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:18,360 Speaker 1: I'm damn angry. This is your conversation. This is not 106 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,560 Speaker 1: something you have to stand in front of your father 107 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,080 Speaker 1: and your mother and say to them. So you're saying, 108 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:28,920 Speaker 1: they didn't teach me how to deal with feelings, emotions, 109 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:33,640 Speaker 1: or difficulties. And now as an adult, you're saying, I'm 110 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,320 Speaker 1: not gonna deal with these feelings and difficulties. I don't 111 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,080 Speaker 1: want to feel this way, but you do, so you 112 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: have to do it different this time. And how does 113 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 1: that look? It looks like I'm damn mad. Yeah, And 114 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:58,440 Speaker 1: I'm mad because I feel abandoned. I'm mad because I 115 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,480 Speaker 1: feel like I don't have protection. I'm mad because I 116 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:05,520 Speaker 1: didn't have support then and I don't have it now. 117 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:09,680 Speaker 1: I'm damn mad because I repeated the patterns that I 118 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 1: was inspected with from these people. Lay it out but 119 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:18,360 Speaker 1: own it as opposed to blaming them for it. Because 120 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 1: when when you blame someone, you're as signing a fault 121 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 1: or a wrong to them. So what did they do 122 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:30,680 Speaker 1: that was wrong? That's the thing. I feel like neither 123 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,040 Speaker 1: one of my parents woke up and was like, I 124 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,439 Speaker 1: know I'll feel it something I don't. I won't give 125 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: her something or Okay, you don't feel like they woke 126 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,240 Speaker 1: up one morning and said, let me destroy my daughter's life, 127 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:44,720 Speaker 1: let me not deal with her. So why are you 128 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:48,400 Speaker 1: blaming them? I didn't feel like like I got to 129 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:52,240 Speaker 1: a certain age when I was young. I was out 130 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:56,600 Speaker 1: here looking for something that you first get from here 131 00:08:56,600 --> 00:09:01,440 Speaker 1: for family, and I don't feel I did. Let me 132 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:08,680 Speaker 1: share this with you. The reason you're blaming them is 133 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,720 Speaker 1: because the ten year old who was molested, or the 134 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: seven year old who felt abandoned, or the six year 135 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,920 Speaker 1: old who didn't have anybody to talk to, they run 136 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:21,560 Speaker 1: in your life right now. They are. I told my 137 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:25,520 Speaker 1: therapist that sometimes I feel like my ten year old 138 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,120 Speaker 1: is in this session. I feel like my seventeen year 139 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:31,200 Speaker 1: old self is in this session. I do. I'm glad 140 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,199 Speaker 1: you picked up one that. Please tell me what to 141 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:37,440 Speaker 1: do about that. Own your feelings, because when you say 142 00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:40,640 Speaker 1: I don't want to feel this, what you're saying to 143 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:42,600 Speaker 1: the ten year old, the six year old, the five 144 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:45,440 Speaker 1: year old is you shouldn't feel this way, which is 145 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 1: the exact same thing that your parents said. You're diminishing, dismissing, 146 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:54,719 Speaker 1: denying their feelings. So give yourself permission to feel it. 147 00:09:55,520 --> 00:10:01,120 Speaker 1: The reason you're projecting it outward is because you those 148 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 1: children don't know how to own it. The thing is 149 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,080 Speaker 1: your two steps ahead of the game when you say 150 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:16,440 Speaker 1: they didn't do anything wrong. Right, So that's a good thing. 151 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 1: And let's go one step further and say this, I'm 152 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:30,120 Speaker 1: really really sad that my parents didn't have what I needed. 153 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:37,640 Speaker 1: How you imagine this that out of all of the 154 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:42,120 Speaker 1: things you could be doing right now, you are interrupting 155 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:46,280 Speaker 1: the pattern. And maybe you you weren't able to interrupt 156 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,480 Speaker 1: it with your children, but you may be able to 157 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:55,520 Speaker 1: influence your grandchildren and your great grandchildren. Yeah, it's really sad, 158 00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:01,240 Speaker 1: but you survived. Hello, I did because you could be 159 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:05,680 Speaker 1: on a pole, you could be somewhere with a needle 160 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:09,080 Speaker 1: in your arm. You could be locked up in jail 161 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 1: for mass murder in the post office. And what are 162 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,680 Speaker 1: you doing. You're talking to y'alla on the podcast and 163 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:24,560 Speaker 1: going to therapy. Exactly what a powerful choice. Yeah, hold 164 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:31,680 Speaker 1: onto this. It is unloving to ask someone to do 165 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:36,320 Speaker 1: something that they don't know how to do. You're asking 166 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:41,000 Speaker 1: your parents to be people and do things that they 167 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,080 Speaker 1: don't know how to do. And I wouldn't want somebody 168 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,800 Speaker 1: to do that with me either. I would want somebody 169 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: to be what I do have and what I can do. 170 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,880 Speaker 1: Clutch your pearls because you are doing to yourself exactly 171 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 1: what they did to you. What you're saying to them 172 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,080 Speaker 1: is I'm not going to name this. I'm not gonna 173 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,559 Speaker 1: call it. I'm not going to give it any attention. 174 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,680 Speaker 1: I'm doing this. But you can't do that. You've got 175 00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:11,200 Speaker 1: to bring them along with you. When you feel angry, 176 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:15,680 Speaker 1: say you're angry, because the truth is, you're not angry 177 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:21,120 Speaker 1: at your parents today. You're angry for who they were 178 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:27,199 Speaker 1: back then, right, and you can't change that, and they 179 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:31,439 Speaker 1: may never change. They still don't have what you need 180 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,720 Speaker 1: if they didn't do their work. I have a solution 181 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:38,600 Speaker 1: for you, and you are probably not going to like it. 182 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,960 Speaker 1: Are you ready? Okay, we'll do it right after this break. 183 00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:54,200 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to 184 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:58,199 Speaker 1: the conversation. I heard you say I didn't have anybody 185 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,199 Speaker 1: to lean on back then, and I don't. I can't 186 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,480 Speaker 1: lean on them. You don't need your grown woman, You 187 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 1: don't need to lean on your parents today. That's the 188 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 1: little girl talking. That's what I was about to say. 189 00:13:09,679 --> 00:13:12,160 Speaker 1: I feel like she wants me to go and get 190 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:16,080 Speaker 1: from them what she wanted then, And I'm like, what 191 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 1: do I say to that, give it to her, Give 192 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:24,640 Speaker 1: to yourself what you didn't get till That means, don't 193 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:30,120 Speaker 1: deny your feelings. If you're feeling something, on it, if 194 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:34,920 Speaker 1: you need something, how do you lean on you? So, 195 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,599 Speaker 1: if you've got an upset or problem or challenge or difficulty, 196 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:41,760 Speaker 1: how do you lean on yourself? Do you know how 197 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,439 Speaker 1: to do that? Or do you revert back to remembering 198 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 1: what it was like and what you didn't have. I 199 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,040 Speaker 1: feel like what I need to do today some things 200 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,960 Speaker 1: that I've been learning is, you know, write it out, 201 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:57,439 Speaker 1: maybe speak it out, let it out, and be honest 202 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,840 Speaker 1: about these feelings rather than what I've been doing over 203 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:04,880 Speaker 1: the years, which is eating. That's like my main thing 204 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:08,199 Speaker 1: that I would do. And I continue to think to myself, 205 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,760 Speaker 1: if you could just get the way you need to 206 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: get to, this way to come off, it won't keep 207 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:17,320 Speaker 1: being the issue. And I think we've unpacking uncovered something 208 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 1: today and that is I need to honor how I 209 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,600 Speaker 1: feel and stop feeling like I'm wrong for feeling what 210 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 1: I feel and name it what it is. Yes, you're angry, 211 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:36,480 Speaker 1: but you're also sad, and you're also disappointed and hurt 212 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:44,680 Speaker 1: yeah and heard yeah, And right beneath that hurt is 213 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:49,480 Speaker 1: the law. So your adult mind is saying, how the 214 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 1: hell can I love these people who caused me so 215 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,000 Speaker 1: much pain and really jacked up my life? How can 216 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 1: I love them? That's what you're the adult are saying. 217 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:02,120 Speaker 1: But that love that you feel is coming from the 218 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:06,200 Speaker 1: innocence of those children. So I say to you, also 219 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,880 Speaker 1: give yourself permission to love them as crazy as they are, 220 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,960 Speaker 1: as jacked up as they are, and stop demanding that 221 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:22,320 Speaker 1: they change. Okay, I hear you, stop it. Thank you 222 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:26,560 Speaker 1: so much for that, And you get to choose how 223 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 1: to be in relationship with them. You get to create boundaries. 224 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:34,480 Speaker 1: But when you do that, you have to know who's speaking. 225 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,880 Speaker 1: Is that the five year old that just wants to 226 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:39,600 Speaker 1: crawl up in mommy's lap? Is that the seven year 227 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,360 Speaker 1: old who wants to be daddy's princess? Is it the 228 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:46,640 Speaker 1: ten year old who's scared and feels alone and frightened 229 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:51,360 Speaker 1: and unprotected, who is running the show at any given moment? 230 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,120 Speaker 1: So what I would encourage you to do, and you 231 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,360 Speaker 1: can run this by your therapists. She may know about 232 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:02,480 Speaker 1: voice dialogue or inner dialogue. You can identify each of 233 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:06,600 Speaker 1: those parts of you. See my thirteen year old, I 234 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,000 Speaker 1: constantly have to deal with her because she is a 235 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:15,480 Speaker 1: hot mess. Her job is to protect the five year 236 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:18,520 Speaker 1: old and a nine year old, and she's a beast. 237 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:24,600 Speaker 1: She will cost you fulfilth any time. Very angry. He 238 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:30,520 Speaker 1: is so very angry. That is why she's protecting all 239 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:34,480 Speaker 1: the younger ones. So you have to give her something 240 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 1: else to do. Teach her how to knit, teach her 241 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,160 Speaker 1: how to crochet, get her a coloring book and some 242 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:44,200 Speaker 1: coloring pencils. And when you feel that anger or when 243 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,200 Speaker 1: she's acting out, because she will act out. Thirteen fourteen, 244 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 1: fifteen sixteen. They are a hot mess to deal with. 245 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:56,040 Speaker 1: Let me tell you. Belligerent, defiant, old foul mouth. When 246 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,480 Speaker 1: you feel like that, when mommy says something that upsets 247 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,880 Speaker 1: her and she wants to, you know, go after mommy. 248 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,640 Speaker 1: Wait a minute, Wait a minute, go get your color 249 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,880 Speaker 1: and book. Go sit down somewhere. I got this. You 250 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:12,080 Speaker 1: have to handle them. You do this. I got that. Okay. 251 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:17,840 Speaker 1: Children need three things. They need system, they need order, 252 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:22,760 Speaker 1: they need structure. So you have to create and develop 253 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,960 Speaker 1: a system in your life where you communicate with them. 254 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,439 Speaker 1: What I did was I gave each of them a 255 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,919 Speaker 1: different name. I would know who what part of me 256 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:38,280 Speaker 1: I'm addressing? And what does the five year old? Do? 257 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,360 Speaker 1: You know? My five year old wines she is a 258 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:46,200 Speaker 1: total whiner. Okay, my nine year old she's the scared cat. 259 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:51,000 Speaker 1: She's scared everything. Because these were pivotal points of trauma 260 00:17:51,119 --> 00:17:55,280 Speaker 1: in my life. So you begin to name them and 261 00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:58,920 Speaker 1: also see how they operate when they show up. What 262 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:04,760 Speaker 1: triggers them. My father triggered my five year old. I'm 263 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:08,600 Speaker 1: thirty five years old and cowering in the corner when 264 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:13,080 Speaker 1: Daddy comes around. What you're saying right now is making 265 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:16,479 Speaker 1: so much sense with me right now. Where when I 266 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,720 Speaker 1: was a teenager and going to church with my mom, 267 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,199 Speaker 1: and that was when I had got pregnant with my 268 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:25,919 Speaker 1: first child, and I do right now today, at forty 269 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:31,920 Speaker 1: nine years old, feel myself that teenager trying to please 270 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:36,120 Speaker 1: my mother with church. I started going back to church 271 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,840 Speaker 1: with her in April and every Sunday. I'm only saying 272 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,800 Speaker 1: this because I'm talking to you, but I have not 273 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:45,439 Speaker 1: said this out loud or acknowledging at all? Well, please 274 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:49,439 Speaker 1: do is every Sunday? I say? Is she happy that 275 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,000 Speaker 1: I'm going to church with her? Is she glad that 276 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:55,159 Speaker 1: I'm learning? Does she see that I'm being how she 277 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:58,160 Speaker 1: wanted me to be back then when I embarrassed her? 278 00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:04,199 Speaker 1: That's me identifying when it's one of those selves. It 279 00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:06,800 Speaker 1: is that selves that is going to church with my 280 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,960 Speaker 1: mother wants sundays. I want to be there as a 281 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,400 Speaker 1: grown up, of course, But do you do you want 282 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:17,879 Speaker 1: to go to church every Sunday? Tell the truth? I do, yes, 283 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,159 Speaker 1: I do. Okay, do you want to go to that 284 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,439 Speaker 1: church with your mama? I want to go to my 285 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:27,160 Speaker 1: own church. We'll go to your own church, because that 286 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:31,960 Speaker 1: is how you, the adult woman, lets the little people 287 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:35,080 Speaker 1: know it's okay, we're not doing apple. We're doing this. 288 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,200 Speaker 1: You're going to church with your mother to neutralize the 289 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:42,600 Speaker 1: shame and the guilt because you embarrassed her. You can 290 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,199 Speaker 1: go with her every other week. Say I'm going to 291 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,560 Speaker 1: my church today. I'll go with you next week. But 292 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,240 Speaker 1: become an adult. Don't keep giving the little people the 293 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,760 Speaker 1: opportunity to run your life. I see, and let me 294 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:59,119 Speaker 1: say this, I am so honored that you trusted me, 295 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,159 Speaker 1: I and yourself with something that you had never admitted 296 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,680 Speaker 1: out loud. That's a real adult thing to do. Thank you. 297 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,359 Speaker 1: Thank you. That well scary and it was hard, but 298 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,880 Speaker 1: I understand what you just said. I understand what you've 299 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,359 Speaker 1: been saying to me. I get it. Yeah, thank you 300 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,879 Speaker 1: so much for your help. I want you to slow 301 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,960 Speaker 1: walk this. I don't want you to think you got 302 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,919 Speaker 1: it and jump out there and do too much. Slow walking. 303 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:28,000 Speaker 1: Start with ma, I'm not gonna go to church with 304 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,200 Speaker 1: you this Sunday. I'm going to my church, but I'll 305 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 1: go with you next Sunday. You want to go to 306 00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:35,960 Speaker 1: church with your mom, but you also want to have 307 00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:38,480 Speaker 1: that place in your life where you're just not trying 308 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 1: to please her. You're doing what's right for you exactly. 309 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:44,960 Speaker 1: And let me let me just say this to you. 310 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 1: The weight is how you protect yourself. The weight is 311 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:57,320 Speaker 1: protecting those little people from further hurt, harm, abuse, danger. 312 00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,159 Speaker 1: The weight is how you keep people up off of you. 313 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:05,040 Speaker 1: So as you continue to do this work and as 314 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:09,240 Speaker 1: you continue to corral them little people, I promise you 315 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:14,760 Speaker 1: the way it's gonna come off. Food is our friend. Food, 316 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:19,399 Speaker 1: don't talk back. Food don't ask nothing. Many many people 317 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:24,520 Speaker 1: comfort themselves with food. So right now, I want you 318 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:30,199 Speaker 1: to give yourself permission to comfort yourself, and the deeper 319 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:35,080 Speaker 1: your healing goes, you'll see food differently because as you 320 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,720 Speaker 1: comfort yourself, you won't need the comfort that the food brings, 321 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:44,560 Speaker 1: and you're eating habits will change. I want to encourage 322 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:48,399 Speaker 1: you every Sunday, even if it's just for two minutes, 323 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:54,680 Speaker 1: turn over to the Holy Spirit everything that is causing 324 00:21:54,720 --> 00:22:00,320 Speaker 1: you to comfort yourself with food, as the Holy Spirit, 325 00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:04,800 Speaker 1: to change your appetite so that I can restore myself 326 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:08,440 Speaker 1: to my ideal weight. Ask the Holy Spirit to comfort you, 327 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,880 Speaker 1: as the Holy Spirit to be your protector. And I'm 328 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,879 Speaker 1: saying these things to you because you go to church, 329 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:17,280 Speaker 1: you know. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you see 330 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:22,280 Speaker 1: yourself differently, because you're not a little girl that needs 331 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:26,000 Speaker 1: mommy and daddy. I'm not. I am not, I really 332 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,720 Speaker 1: am not. You're a grown adult woman who has made 333 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:32,359 Speaker 1: the choice to heal. Give yourself credit for that. I 334 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:36,119 Speaker 1: will give myself credit for that. Yeah, thank you so much. 335 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:39,240 Speaker 1: Check in and let me know how you're doing. Thank 336 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,800 Speaker 1: you so much, baby, I love you back. I will 337 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:48,440 Speaker 1: thank you so much alrighty bye bye bye bye. I 338 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:52,080 Speaker 1: remember when I first became aware of my thirteen year 339 00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:55,560 Speaker 1: old I must have been about thirty three, and it 340 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:59,120 Speaker 1: was a part of me that was just belligerent and 341 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,840 Speaker 1: defying and mean. And one day I said, who the 342 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:10,280 Speaker 1: hell are you? And she answered, I'm you. It's all 343 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:15,880 Speaker 1: about you, bou. But that sent me on a journey 344 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:20,439 Speaker 1: to identify and discover the pieces and parts of me 345 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:24,879 Speaker 1: within that hadn't grown up, The pieces and parts of 346 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:32,440 Speaker 1: me within that was still broken and hurting, afraid, ashamed, sad, disappointed. 347 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:36,360 Speaker 1: We all have them. In order for you to heal fully, 348 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:41,639 Speaker 1: you must address the unhealed parts of yourself. My last caller, 349 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:46,119 Speaker 1: she was on the right path. She is making the 350 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:50,560 Speaker 1: choice to heal. But you know, you can't just make 351 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:55,040 Speaker 1: the decision to grow and heal. There are things you 352 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:59,720 Speaker 1: must do. There's a process, and the first step of 353 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:06,920 Speaker 1: that process is acknowledging those broken pieces, because acknowledgement it's 354 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:11,800 Speaker 1: the first step toward healing. And as you acknowledge, oh 355 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,160 Speaker 1: wait a minute, there's some pieces and parts in here 356 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:20,440 Speaker 1: that need my attention. You can talk to those pieces, 357 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,160 Speaker 1: talk to those parts, talk to those parts of you. 358 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 1: That are calling out for your love, find out what 359 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:34,040 Speaker 1: they need. Listen within, because until you fix the issues 360 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:40,639 Speaker 1: inside of you, changing anything else, especially something external like 361 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:45,040 Speaker 1: a family relationship, it is not going to turn out 362 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,159 Speaker 1: well for you. It's not going to work. And you know, 363 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:54,560 Speaker 1: we're so hardcore and technical today that we want everything 364 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:58,280 Speaker 1: quaking fast and we wanted to be easy. But in 365 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:04,520 Speaker 1: this journey of healing and growing, particularly in and with relationships, 366 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:10,960 Speaker 1: there are sometimes when you just need to weep. Weep 367 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:16,440 Speaker 1: at your heartbreak, weep at your heartache, weep at your helplessness. 368 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:23,119 Speaker 1: Sometimes weep at your hopelessness because your pain needs a witness. 369 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:26,919 Speaker 1: That's what I think my next caller might need to 370 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:32,520 Speaker 1: do in order to get started on her healing. Listen 371 00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:37,240 Speaker 1: up meetings, will love and welcome to the art spot. 372 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:40,440 Speaker 1: Thank you for calling in today. And what is your 373 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:46,160 Speaker 1: relationship challenge issue dilemma that we can nibble on? Thank 374 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:50,280 Speaker 1: you for having me Well. I've had a very challenging 375 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:53,400 Speaker 1: relationship with my mother for I think I would say 376 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:57,679 Speaker 1: all my life. It stemmed from you know, me feeling 377 00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:01,560 Speaker 1: betrayed as a child, something that I've been and I 378 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:04,520 Speaker 1: feel like that was the turning point. In our relationship 379 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:10,200 Speaker 1: throughout the years. I mean, I've always looked and wanted 380 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,080 Speaker 1: love from my mother, but I feel like in that 381 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,960 Speaker 1: same sense, over the years, I've also learned to build 382 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:20,000 Speaker 1: up a wall protecting myself from being hurt by her. 383 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:25,320 Speaker 1: We lived together, and it's pretty much like a roommate situation, 384 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,879 Speaker 1: and I don't like it. I want to change. I 385 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,600 Speaker 1: know I'm not perfect, and sometimes my communications with her 386 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:36,960 Speaker 1: lack patients, but I feel like I've learned to just 387 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:40,840 Speaker 1: be so defensive from being hurt by her that I 388 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:45,520 Speaker 1: haven't allowed myself to receive anything. And now she has 389 00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 1: some health challenges in terms of with her memory and 390 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,639 Speaker 1: as an adult. Now, you know, I can understand that 391 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:56,159 Speaker 1: maybe you know what, maybe she didn't feel love or 392 00:26:56,359 --> 00:26:58,359 Speaker 1: receive the love that she wanted as a child, So 393 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,040 Speaker 1: I could understand that, but it's all doesn't take away 394 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:04,919 Speaker 1: that feeling of wanting that. So I don't want the 395 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,680 Speaker 1: relationship to be like this with my mother. I want 396 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:10,520 Speaker 1: us to have a loving relationship. I want us to 397 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:14,159 Speaker 1: be able to communicate together. And I just find it 398 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:17,760 Speaker 1: hard getting over those past portrayals to get to that point. 399 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:25,120 Speaker 1: Wow wow, wow, No, let me tell you why I'm 400 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:32,920 Speaker 1: saying wow. I'm saying wow because your desire to heal 401 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:39,640 Speaker 1: is so great that the universe has set you up 402 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:46,200 Speaker 1: for the most powerful healing circumstance that you can have, 403 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:50,560 Speaker 1: and that is you have the opportunity to experience your 404 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:56,320 Speaker 1: situation from both sides. You have the opportunity to do 405 00:27:56,560 --> 00:28:00,199 Speaker 1: for your mother what you think she didn't do for you. 406 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:07,080 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, you are powerful. This is a divine 407 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:12,640 Speaker 1: set up. You have been set up, my darling, and 408 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:19,280 Speaker 1: it's all the answer to your prayer. H yeah, So 409 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:22,880 Speaker 1: let me nibble on a few corners of this situation. 410 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 1: Betrayed as a child? How old were you? I think 411 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:36,840 Speaker 1: I was probably maybe ten eleven, Well maybe around that area. 412 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,040 Speaker 1: Are you open to discussing what that is? And if 413 00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:44,760 Speaker 1: you're not, that's fine. I just feel like she didn't 414 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:50,840 Speaker 1: protect me, protect my innocence as a girl child. I 415 00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:54,560 Speaker 1: was placed in a very embarrassing situation where I had 416 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:57,200 Speaker 1: no control because I had to do what my mother said. 417 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:02,840 Speaker 1: And I can remember like after leaving that place, I 418 00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:06,200 Speaker 1: was just a different person, Like I was always happy, 419 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:10,320 Speaker 1: smiling as a child. In that moment, I just lost 420 00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:15,720 Speaker 1: all of that. You were unprotected, You were embarrassed, and 421 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:19,520 Speaker 1: what else? I hate to see this by remembering that moment, 422 00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:21,440 Speaker 1: looking at her and telling her that I hate her, 423 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:25,200 Speaker 1: because that's how it hurt and betrayed. I felt you 424 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:31,160 Speaker 1: were hurt? Okay? Were you angry? Absolutely? Okay? Yes? And 425 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:36,520 Speaker 1: what did you do with the anger, the hurt, the embarrassment. 426 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:41,360 Speaker 1: Do you remember how you navigated that during that time? 427 00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:47,960 Speaker 1: I pretty much suppressed it. You suppressed it? And how 428 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:51,960 Speaker 1: does it show up in your life today as it 429 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,120 Speaker 1: relates to my mother or just in general? Just in general, 430 00:29:56,000 --> 00:30:01,280 Speaker 1: I think I can be closed off and I tend 431 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:06,200 Speaker 1: to the pressing out of my feelings feeling alone and 432 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,200 Speaker 1: like having no one to talk to. So I deal 433 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,640 Speaker 1: with a lot of things on my own as best 434 00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:15,680 Speaker 1: as I can, which is not always with the best 435 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:19,280 Speaker 1: outcome because you don't trust people to have your best 436 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:25,000 Speaker 1: interests at heart. Yeah, So I want you to do 437 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:28,200 Speaker 1: this for me if you can. Okay, I want you 438 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:32,160 Speaker 1: to just close your eyes for a moment and take 439 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:35,160 Speaker 1: a nice breath, and I want you to see that 440 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:38,240 Speaker 1: little girl. I want you to go back into that 441 00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:43,800 Speaker 1: place where the embarrassment, the betrayal, the hurt took place. You, 442 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,320 Speaker 1: the adult, are going back there, and I want you 443 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,240 Speaker 1: to look at that little girl. Can you see the 444 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:54,160 Speaker 1: little girl? I can yet, and this thing has just happened. 445 00:30:54,200 --> 00:31:00,000 Speaker 1: Take a breath and just look over at your mom. 446 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:03,880 Speaker 1: And what does she want to say to her? Give 447 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:08,000 Speaker 1: her permission, you the adult, Give her permission to say 448 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:10,560 Speaker 1: whatever she wants to say to her mom. She's got 449 00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 1: a hall pass. The first thing comes to mind is why, yeah, 450 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:19,360 Speaker 1: say it again? Why what else? Let her use your mouth? 451 00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:23,800 Speaker 1: You're just listening and watching? Do you hate me? Like? 452 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,840 Speaker 1: What did I do? Is that you talking, the adult? 453 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:30,920 Speaker 1: Or is that her talking? Because I just hear this 454 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:36,520 Speaker 1: little child just weeping her little heart out? Yeah? What 455 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:38,560 Speaker 1: else does she want to say? I don't know. I 456 00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:42,400 Speaker 1: just feel like just why why? Why would you do 457 00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:45,680 Speaker 1: that to me? What is the matter with you? Why 458 00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:48,400 Speaker 1: would you do Do you hear this? Do you see this? 459 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:51,719 Speaker 1: What is wrong with you? Why would you do this 460 00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:56,800 Speaker 1: to me? What else? Don't monitor her? Give her permission 461 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,640 Speaker 1: to say what she needs to say? And I think 462 00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:01,880 Speaker 1: I over the years for a lot, I just don't 463 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:05,080 Speaker 1: even though she has a voice, like I've just covered 464 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:10,080 Speaker 1: her she does and protected her. No, you've silenced her. 465 00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:16,600 Speaker 1: You didn't know how to protect her, and her devastation 466 00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:21,520 Speaker 1: is so great too. When it comes up in your body, 467 00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:27,040 Speaker 1: you shut down. Does that make sense to you? Yes, 468 00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,240 Speaker 1: So you shut down, and then you shut her down, 469 00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:35,400 Speaker 1: and she doesn't get an opportunity to say because I 470 00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:39,920 Speaker 1: can just see her kicking and screaming in the floor, screaming, screaming, 471 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:45,360 Speaker 1: why what are you doing? What is the matter with you? Why? Why? Why? 472 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:49,280 Speaker 1: And then right under her, right under the one that 473 00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:54,440 Speaker 1: that had that experience, there's a younger one, an even 474 00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:59,200 Speaker 1: younger one. And what I hear her saying is I'm 475 00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:07,480 Speaker 1: not your brand anymore? Yeah? Right? What else? How could you? Yeah? 476 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:11,080 Speaker 1: Do you not like me? Do you not love me? No, 477 00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:13,880 Speaker 1: you don't like me. You don't love me? Not to 478 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:20,480 Speaker 1: do that to me? Yeah? Yeah. And here's a big one. 479 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:24,160 Speaker 1: If you can own it, own it, and if you can't, 480 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:30,440 Speaker 1: that's okay. I don't trust you and I'll never trust 481 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:36,680 Speaker 1: you again. Yeah. So this little girl has grown up 482 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:41,080 Speaker 1: to become a woman who doesn't trust herself her mother. 483 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,680 Speaker 1: This little girl has grown up to be a woman 484 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:49,680 Speaker 1: feeling unloved by her mother. And this little girl has 485 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,880 Speaker 1: grown up to be a woman who now has to 486 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:59,040 Speaker 1: provide care for and love too and protection for the 487 00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:04,320 Speaker 1: woman who betrayed her, embarrassed her, a woman she doesn't trust, 488 00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:07,280 Speaker 1: and a woman she doesn't feel loved her. And now 489 00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:11,520 Speaker 1: that that woman doesn't even have the capacity to demonstrate 490 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:17,000 Speaker 1: love because she's losing grip with her reality. Well, my, 491 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:22,080 Speaker 1: my mind, you must really want to heal. Well. The 492 00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:28,279 Speaker 1: first step is to give yourself permission to feel what 493 00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:34,960 Speaker 1: that ten year old feel and then treat mommy the 494 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:38,000 Speaker 1: way you would have wanted her to treat your little girl. 495 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:43,520 Speaker 1: That's where you're healing is. We'll talk about that right 496 00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:55,080 Speaker 1: after this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's 497 00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:57,840 Speaker 1: pick up where we left ar. Tell me what you 498 00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:03,440 Speaker 1: heard me say. Yes, Um, fighting over myself to be 499 00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:08,719 Speaker 1: able to Joe and give love to my mother in 500 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:12,880 Speaker 1: ways that I never received it. Yeah. I am a 501 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:16,080 Speaker 1: loving person, so I know the type of love that 502 00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:20,520 Speaker 1: I can't give. I just feel like, Okay, I'm going 503 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:22,640 Speaker 1: to give you this love. But this is the love 504 00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:27,440 Speaker 1: that I wanted you to give me. Well, no, this 505 00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:31,359 Speaker 1: is the love that the ten year old wanted her 506 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:36,480 Speaker 1: mother to give her, not you, the adult woman living 507 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:39,880 Speaker 1: with your mom. That's not what you want. Otherwise your 508 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:44,000 Speaker 1: mother wouldn't be there. Yeah, your mother is there to 509 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:48,640 Speaker 1: provide you with the opportunity to give to the ten 510 00:35:48,719 --> 00:35:52,279 Speaker 1: year old what she didn't receive from her mother. And 511 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:54,960 Speaker 1: the way you're going to do that is by giving 512 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:59,520 Speaker 1: it to your mother and in doing that. See, baby, 513 00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:03,480 Speaker 1: this is how you protect somebody that you love. This 514 00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:07,120 Speaker 1: is how you care for somebody that you love. This 515 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:11,759 Speaker 1: is how you honor somebody that you love. In order 516 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:14,560 Speaker 1: to train up that ten year old twelve year old 517 00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:18,399 Speaker 1: that was embarrassed her by her mother and teach her 518 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:22,720 Speaker 1: that she can trust you, not to take your love away, 519 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:26,839 Speaker 1: not to take your kindness away, not to you got 520 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:31,239 Speaker 1: to teach her things that your mom didn't teach her. Now, 521 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:33,319 Speaker 1: you set this lesson up because you could have put 522 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:38,720 Speaker 1: in a nursing home and you didn't. So you set 523 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:44,959 Speaker 1: this up. Like I said, Wow, you really want to heal, 524 00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:50,640 Speaker 1: but you're not healing you as an adult. You're healing 525 00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:53,760 Speaker 1: that eleven year old ten year old that's been running 526 00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:59,520 Speaker 1: your life and running your relationship with your mother. Tell 527 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:01,279 Speaker 1: me what you hear me saying, I don't care what 528 00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:05,000 Speaker 1: it is. I hear that. In order for me to 529 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:09,360 Speaker 1: really find true healing, I need to I need to 530 00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:14,840 Speaker 1: speak to that young child that was hurt and be 531 00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:21,600 Speaker 1: able to show her that love is possible, yes, and 532 00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:24,360 Speaker 1: teach her that sometimes people don't make good choices and 533 00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:27,200 Speaker 1: decisions and we get hurt, but that don't mean we 534 00:37:27,239 --> 00:37:31,080 Speaker 1: stop loving them. That doesn't mean that they don't deserve 535 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:37,000 Speaker 1: to be loved. And then sometimes when your mother sitting 536 00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:40,359 Speaker 1: in a chair, you have to kneel down in front 537 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:44,239 Speaker 1: of her and put your head in her lip. And 538 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,160 Speaker 1: I guarantee you if you do it, she's gonna stroke 539 00:37:47,239 --> 00:37:51,240 Speaker 1: your face. So you let that little girl know see 540 00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:55,280 Speaker 1: she does love you. Let's do that in our mind 541 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:58,400 Speaker 1: right now. I want you to see yourself as you 542 00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:02,479 Speaker 1: are today. I want you to see your mother as 543 00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:09,960 Speaker 1: you are today. Can you see that in your mind? Yes? Okay, 544 00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:14,440 Speaker 1: in your mind. I want you to walk over to 545 00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:18,759 Speaker 1: wherever she's sitting. Just kneel down in front of her 546 00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:22,040 Speaker 1: and put your head in her lap. Take your time 547 00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:30,919 Speaker 1: out there up there. Yeah, now, I'm gonna stroke your back. 548 00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:35,360 Speaker 1: Let your mom put her hand on your face. She 549 00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:38,680 Speaker 1: hasn't said a word to you, just let her put 550 00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:42,239 Speaker 1: her hand on your face. That's my hand. You feel 551 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:48,960 Speaker 1: on your back and tell me what you're thinking, what 552 00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:54,080 Speaker 1: you're feeling, what's going on. It feels foreign, but it 553 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:58,920 Speaker 1: feels like this is what I wanted all yes, yes, 554 00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:04,960 Speaker 1: I yeah. Yeah. So your work, beloved, is to do 555 00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:08,719 Speaker 1: that at least once a day, if you do it 556 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,080 Speaker 1: in the bathtub, if you do it while you're making 557 00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:14,640 Speaker 1: coffee or tea. Just once a day in your mind, 558 00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:18,840 Speaker 1: see yourself going to your mom, putting your head in 559 00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:25,480 Speaker 1: her lap until you can do it physically. Not because 560 00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:28,760 Speaker 1: you the adult needs it, but because that little girl 561 00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:33,880 Speaker 1: needs it. Does that make sense to you? Yes? Yeah, 562 00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:38,240 Speaker 1: you're pushing past all of those decisions that that little 563 00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,840 Speaker 1: girl made and you're showing her that mommy is safe. 564 00:39:42,719 --> 00:39:47,920 Speaker 1: You're showing her that mommy is different. You do it 565 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:52,480 Speaker 1: in your mind until you can do it physically. Okay, 566 00:39:52,719 --> 00:39:57,480 Speaker 1: I need you the adult to be in charge. Take 567 00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:05,040 Speaker 1: a breath. Oh, you need to learn how to breathe. 568 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:10,600 Speaker 1: I'm choking for you. Oh my gosh, all of that 569 00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:14,640 Speaker 1: wahala is locked up in your body simply because you 570 00:40:14,719 --> 00:40:23,600 Speaker 1: don't breathe a m Yeah. I want you to go 571 00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:28,759 Speaker 1: on Google, no, go to YouTube, and I want you 572 00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:33,400 Speaker 1: to look up conscious breathing, and there are three minute videos, 573 00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:37,280 Speaker 1: ten minute videos, fifteen minute videos. Watch some of those videos, 574 00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:39,880 Speaker 1: because the breath is what's going to start moving this 575 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:43,440 Speaker 1: energy through your body that's been locked up, that you've suppressed. 576 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,000 Speaker 1: You've got to be able to breathe. You're not breathing. 577 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:50,000 Speaker 1: And I think this because when this thing happened to you, 578 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:53,319 Speaker 1: that little girl was holding her breath and she's never 579 00:40:53,480 --> 00:41:01,799 Speaker 1: she hasn't breathed since that. Yeah, but I really want 580 00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:05,839 Speaker 1: you to hear me that your desire to heal with 581 00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:10,960 Speaker 1: your mom as an adult is really unfolding in a 582 00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:16,560 Speaker 1: powerful and divine way. You have an opportunity to demonstrate. 583 00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:21,040 Speaker 1: What you're doing now is you are reparenting yourself and 584 00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:24,160 Speaker 1: you're gonna grow that little girl up through your relationship 585 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,719 Speaker 1: with your mom. And I want you to get a 586 00:41:26,760 --> 00:41:29,640 Speaker 1: copy of Forgiveness. I wrote a book many years ago 587 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:34,360 Speaker 1: called Forgiveness and work through it, particularly in a section 588 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:37,719 Speaker 1: about your mom, so that you can forgive your beliefs 589 00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:41,520 Speaker 1: about your mom, your thoughts about your mom, forgive your 590 00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:44,919 Speaker 1: mind for thinking about your mom the way you have 591 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:49,880 Speaker 1: forgive your thoughts. Yeah, and you rubbed that little girl's 592 00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:53,360 Speaker 1: back the way I rubbed yours. Forgive me, but I 593 00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:56,279 Speaker 1: sense or feel that that little girl just needs to 594 00:41:56,320 --> 00:41:59,000 Speaker 1: go somewhere and just weep for a little while. So 595 00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:00,839 Speaker 1: why don't you going to bear from in closer door 596 00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:06,440 Speaker 1: and just weep? Can you do that? Do that? Okay, 597 00:42:06,560 --> 00:42:16,000 Speaker 1: we'll go do that. Go have a weeping good time. Okay, 598 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,120 Speaker 1: all right, thank you so much, Yes, thank you so 599 00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:23,920 Speaker 1: much for loving. I will hear from you soon. Good Bye, 600 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:33,320 Speaker 1: bye bye. When was the last time you gave yourself 601 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:40,560 Speaker 1: permission to just weep, to just let your heart break 602 00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:45,960 Speaker 1: and weep. I'm talking about the ugliest, not running out 603 00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:52,759 Speaker 1: your nose, weeping, making inhumane sounds, weeping. I'm talking about 604 00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:59,160 Speaker 1: doubled over in the bathroom weeping not for you, but 605 00:42:59,239 --> 00:43:03,799 Speaker 1: for that little person inside that didn't have permission to 606 00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:07,120 Speaker 1: do it, for that little person inside that didn't have 607 00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:10,720 Speaker 1: the tools she needed or he needed to get yourself 608 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:17,400 Speaker 1: through it. We need to have a weep day, just 609 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:21,359 Speaker 1: a day when we just give ourselves permission to let 610 00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:24,759 Speaker 1: the little people inside of us weep. So after you 611 00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:29,279 Speaker 1: have your weep fast, go have some ice cream or 612 00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:34,200 Speaker 1: chocolate cake or Hershey bar or whatever you need. It's 613 00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:37,680 Speaker 1: all a part of healing and the time we're living 614 00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:40,239 Speaker 1: in on this planet at this time, baby, we all 615 00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:44,319 Speaker 1: need some healing. Okay, So have your weep fest, eat 616 00:43:44,360 --> 00:43:47,719 Speaker 1: your chocolate. This is the R Spot. I am the 617 00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:51,480 Speaker 1: Yamla and I'll see you next time. I hope this 618 00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:53,759 Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, and if you have a 619 00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:58,480 Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can 620 00:43:58,520 --> 00:44:02,240 Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven 621 00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:05,200 Speaker 1: seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me 622 00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:08,680 Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling times, and 623 00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:21,279 Speaker 1: until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R 624 00:44:21,360 --> 00:44:25,279 Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with 625 00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:30,160 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit 626 00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:33,920 Speaker 1: the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you 627 00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:35,920 Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows.