1 00:00:01,360 --> 00:00:04,720 Speaker 1: Hey there, folks, Jennifer M wrote to us asking for 2 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:08,240 Speaker 1: some relationship advice. Her husband of two years has been 3 00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:12,080 Speaker 1: telling people that he married her out of obligation, and 4 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:15,800 Speaker 1: he's been doing it right in front of her rollbox. 5 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:19,079 Speaker 1: Advice to Lisa, she needs to be curious my thoughts. 6 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,800 Speaker 1: We might be looking at a relationship killer. And with that, 7 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,400 Speaker 1: welcome to this relationship edition of Amy and TJ, where 8 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,720 Speaker 1: we follow up on our most recent Yahoo Relationship column, 9 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,000 Speaker 1: which you can find in the Life section of Yahoo 10 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:31,640 Speaker 1: dot com. 11 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,640 Speaker 2: That's right, and this week here is what Jennifer M. 12 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,880 Speaker 2: Wrote to us with Amy and TJ. I am sixty 13 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 2: years old and my husband of less than two years 14 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,879 Speaker 2: has been telling his family and friends in my presence 15 00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:46,720 Speaker 2: that he married me out of a sense of obligation. 16 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 2: We had an eight year relationship prior to getting married. 17 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,360 Speaker 2: He told me upfront that he didn't want to remarry. 18 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,640 Speaker 2: I struggled with this privately, but with counseling, came to 19 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:00,640 Speaker 2: accept his terms not long after he proposed out of 20 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:04,399 Speaker 2: the blue. The obligation narrative is new. The first time 21 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,959 Speaker 2: he relayed this to his family, I expressed dismay and surprise, 22 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,160 Speaker 2: but not anger. I kept my cool. Now he is 23 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,400 Speaker 2: repeating this narrative to his close friends. He does not 24 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,480 Speaker 2: seem to understand how painful this is for me. What 25 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:22,480 Speaker 2: should I do? So I immediately said that I thought she 26 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,640 Speaker 2: had to talk to him, She had to take it 27 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,160 Speaker 2: straight to him, And I know it's a hard conversation, 28 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,360 Speaker 2: but she has to tell him how humiliating that feels, 29 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:33,640 Speaker 2: and she needs to ask him if that's how he 30 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:37,600 Speaker 2: really does feel, because maybe he was too afraid to 31 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,679 Speaker 2: say it to her, but in the comfort or protection 32 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:44,080 Speaker 2: of other people he knows love him, he could say 33 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,960 Speaker 2: it kind of jokingly, but also maybe kind of honestly. 34 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,240 Speaker 1: What's the purpose in getting that out? Just getting it 35 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,360 Speaker 1: off his chest? Is he trying to start a conversation? 36 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: Like what would be the purpose? 37 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,200 Speaker 2: Maybe he feels guilty that he married her in the 38 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 2: first place because he now knows he shouldn't have, and 39 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 2: so instead of having an adult or mature conversation with 40 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,600 Speaker 2: her about it, or even maybe fully admitting it to himself, 41 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:09,800 Speaker 2: it's coming out in a really awkward, unfortunate way, but 42 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,079 Speaker 2: it's still coming out, Like how long can you suppress 43 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:14,800 Speaker 2: that those feelings come out? In some ways? And sometimes 44 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,520 Speaker 2: they come out in passive aggressive ways. 45 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,400 Speaker 1: Okay, so you're suggesting he hasn't even dealt with this fact. 46 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:22,400 Speaker 2: I think he hasn't fully admitted it to himself, but 47 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:26,760 Speaker 2: it's bubbling up and now it's really hard to have 48 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,519 Speaker 2: a conversation and ask a question that you are afraid 49 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:30,400 Speaker 2: to hear the answer to. 50 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,639 Speaker 1: I thought. I mean, I think no matter where, if 51 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:37,120 Speaker 1: you're listening, like, no matter what you think she should do, 52 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,960 Speaker 1: and I think everybody starts with you gotta talk. Yeah, 53 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:43,360 Speaker 1: first things first, you gotta talk. After that, I just 54 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:44,960 Speaker 1: I would like to talk to this guy. I just 55 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,040 Speaker 1: don't know why you would do that in front of people. 56 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:54,200 Speaker 1: It's almost intentionally humiliate her. It's just humiliating. Go on 57 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 1: Instagram and say the same thing. 58 00:02:55,639 --> 00:02:59,240 Speaker 2: Right, I likened it too. You've been to couple's therapy before. 59 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:03,240 Speaker 2: Sometimes you will admit feeling something or thinking something to 60 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,720 Speaker 2: a third party in a safe space that you don't 61 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:10,320 Speaker 2: feel necessarily safe or comfortable with saying just to your partner. 62 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,880 Speaker 2: And I'm thinking that maybe that's why it's coming out. 63 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:15,519 Speaker 2: I'm going to try to give him the benefit of 64 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,280 Speaker 2: the doubt that he's not doing it. Maliciously okay, or 65 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:22,119 Speaker 2: to be an asshole, but actually it's not okay. It's 66 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,519 Speaker 2: immature as hell, and he hasn't dealt with his own emotions. 67 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,520 Speaker 2: But maybe it's not malicious. Maybe it's just him not 68 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 2: dealing with how he actually feels. 69 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 1: Then we got a problem. Then what would have happened? 70 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:38,080 Speaker 1: What happened when everything is fine after eight years and 71 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,840 Speaker 1: as soon as you put a ring on it, there's 72 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:40,520 Speaker 1: an issue now? 73 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 2: Right? 74 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,839 Speaker 1: They seem to be doing well up to that point, 75 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 1: don't We have limited information? But what happens? Then? 76 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,720 Speaker 2: I would ask you, as a man, maybe if he 77 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,880 Speaker 2: set up front, hey, I don't want to ever remarry, 78 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,880 Speaker 2: because clearly he was married before and he didn't want 79 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:57,480 Speaker 2: to go down that aisle haha again. But then maybe 80 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,000 Speaker 2: he did feel pressure. Maybe she doesn't realize how much 81 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,520 Speaker 2: pressure he did feel to marry her because he knew 82 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,720 Speaker 2: that's what she ultimately wanted. But then once he did it, 83 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 2: he immediately regretted. Does that make sense where now he's 84 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 2: got the pressure and he ended up doing something he 85 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:11,760 Speaker 2: didn't want to do, so now he's resentful. 86 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,839 Speaker 1: Well, then that means she's not giving us enough good 87 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,839 Speaker 1: information to go on here because what you're saying. She 88 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:23,000 Speaker 1: writes that she struggled privately with him, saying he didn't 89 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:26,400 Speaker 1: want to get married, accepted it, but then not long 90 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,880 Speaker 1: after he proposed out of the blue. She's suggesting that 91 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,440 Speaker 1: she had moved on and then he decided that da 92 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:36,480 Speaker 1: da da da? Now is that really the case? How 93 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:41,279 Speaker 1: much time between those two things was there pressure? It 94 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,680 Speaker 1: could have been, but she said she was at peace 95 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:44,040 Speaker 1: with him. 96 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,760 Speaker 2: She might have been giving him pressure without realizing it. 97 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:51,320 Speaker 1: That is something you all do. Oh we talk about 98 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:55,160 Speaker 1: this all the time, and you all isn't fair. I 99 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,159 Speaker 1: apologize because not all women do all things. But this 100 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 1: is something that I have experienced. We're talking about it 101 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,600 Speaker 1: here as well. But the pressure from you is not 102 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,680 Speaker 1: about the marriage or anything relationship wise. It's when we're 103 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,640 Speaker 1: gonna go see that movie? Are we going upstate? 104 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:13,240 Speaker 2: We don't want to be demonstrative, but we want to 105 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,719 Speaker 2: let you know what we would actually probably really like. 106 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 2: But no pressure. You know, no one wants to to 107 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,719 Speaker 2: be the person who gives the ultimatum. No one wants 108 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:24,039 Speaker 2: to be the person who says let's do this or else. 109 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:26,680 Speaker 2: So maybe she didn't even realize the pressure She was 110 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:27,360 Speaker 2: putting on him. 111 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,600 Speaker 1: You know, guys generally I can obviously I can speak 112 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 1: for myself and in experience with guys, I know in 113 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:40,040 Speaker 1: these in relationships the pressure stinks. Like just when you 114 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: feel it, the pressure and then sometimes you start feeling 115 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:47,359 Speaker 1: it from a friend or a cousin or that stuff, 116 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,159 Speaker 1: it just freaks a guy out, Yeah, because even well 117 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:54,720 Speaker 1: intentioned guys will just freak out about it. Now you're 118 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,440 Speaker 1: doing something, the most important thing of your life, perhaps 119 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,119 Speaker 1: on somebody else's timeline, and even if you move your 120 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 1: timeline by six months, that mean you're doing something for 121 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,800 Speaker 1: somebody else. You're not actually doing what you want to do. 122 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,040 Speaker 1: That starts to stink because now you're starting to question everything. 123 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 2: So couldn't you see him? Maybe that starts to come 124 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 2: out now in inconvenient, really awful ways. I mean, that's 125 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 2: a I mean, I feel for her. That is a 126 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 2: gutting thing to hear anyone say to your face, but 127 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:26,160 Speaker 2: it's even more gutting to know that he's saying it 128 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 2: in front of other people. Can you see feel for her? 129 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:29,919 Speaker 2: The pressure? 130 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 1: You now am building a while scenario in my head. 131 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,240 Speaker 1: I can see this happening, and maybe I've seen it 132 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:37,039 Speaker 1: happen somewhere before. But what you describe right, the pressure, 133 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,560 Speaker 1: the pressure, the pressure, who says what the conversation was 134 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,000 Speaker 1: in a group of folks, how that conversation was going, 135 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 1: had they been arguing earlier? Was he was she nitpicking 136 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,240 Speaker 1: about something or whatever? And you could see in an 137 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: offhand moment, I ain't want to marry you know it? Yep, 138 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 1: you could hear that mean thing coming out in a 139 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 1: heated moment. No it's not okay, now it's not right. 140 00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,680 Speaker 1: But some context in that. We say stupid when we're 141 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:04,159 Speaker 1: mad and other people around when we feel and humiliated. 142 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,919 Speaker 1: So this could have just been a defense mechanism. We 143 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: just don't know what triggered. 144 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:12,000 Speaker 2: It's so fascinating. And so many of you actually left 145 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 2: your comments about what you thought she should do, what 146 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:19,720 Speaker 2: your advice to her would be. And again didn't we 147 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:23,280 Speaker 2: see a lot of men, guys again, men writing in 148 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,600 Speaker 2: with their comments more so than women. I thought that 149 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,080 Speaker 2: was so fascinating. I love that men keep speaking up. 150 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,160 Speaker 2: We love hearing what you have to say to us 151 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 2: or to Jennifer M. But Keith tells Jennifer M. Easy 152 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,160 Speaker 2: tell people you married him out of spite. 153 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,240 Speaker 1: That's something I that's a quick comeback. That's just funny. 154 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:41,640 Speaker 1: I just like I don't give a damn. 155 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 2: I wonder if she combatd it with humor in the 156 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 2: moment instead of feeling hurt. And you know what that does. 157 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,640 Speaker 2: You come from a place of strength, a place of confidence, 158 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 2: knowing that your love is real and knowing that you 159 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 2: are meant to be together. And so if he makes 160 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,520 Speaker 2: a comment, instead of immediately feeling wounded, if you can 161 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,360 Speaker 2: come back with a quick bar back, he might think 162 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:00,280 Speaker 2: that's sexiest. Hell. 163 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,960 Speaker 1: Actually, that's a great sad for that one. First, it's 164 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,360 Speaker 1: a great comeback. Handle it with a little humor. I 165 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:07,320 Speaker 1: don't mind that at all. 166 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,600 Speaker 2: In public, yes, And then in private you still have 167 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,240 Speaker 2: to have the conversation. I would fully suggest doing that 168 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,000 Speaker 2: and the next time have that at your arsenal. Maybe 169 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,320 Speaker 2: if he brings it up again and then say, hey, Bud, 170 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:17,960 Speaker 2: we got to talk. 171 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 1: This next one is a theme and we'll just sum 172 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,360 Speaker 1: it up with this. I don't have this person's name, 173 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:36,240 Speaker 1: but they say leave a lot of people just period, 174 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 1: point blank say divorce, divorce, divorce. You shouldn't be with 175 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,160 Speaker 1: this person and just don't need to hear anymore. They 176 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 1: just hear what's described and they say that's the end. 177 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:47,880 Speaker 2: Of it'out respect respect. It's about respect, right, John says this. 178 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,160 Speaker 2: I have to say, this is all kind of her fault. 179 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,720 Speaker 2: He said he didn't want to get married. She should 180 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,720 Speaker 2: have taken him at his word before. And John, I 181 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:01,360 Speaker 2: hear you. But when he proposed to her, what, how 182 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,439 Speaker 2: is she supposed to take that? Then? If she wanted 183 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,200 Speaker 2: to marry him and he proposed to her, should she 184 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,600 Speaker 2: have questioned and said, are you sure? 185 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:11,080 Speaker 1: Given what we are? 186 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:11,880 Speaker 2: What changed? 187 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:15,559 Speaker 1: Given what's been described? It seemed like that conversation should 188 00:09:15,559 --> 00:09:18,600 Speaker 1: have been had. Most women don't get proposed to out 189 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,960 Speaker 1: of the blue, right the timing. You might be all 190 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: here or there, but you're not surprised the guy you've 191 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 1: been with for two years might get down on a knee. 192 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 1: You all have had a conversation at something about me 193 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 1: and a lot. 194 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 2: Of times, you know, like the day it's happening because 195 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,839 Speaker 2: of the nervous energy, like out of the weird. I 196 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 2: don't know. I think most women pretend they're surprised. I 197 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,319 Speaker 2: think most women know it's coming. 198 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,040 Speaker 1: What's the thing now? Most women all you all will 199 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:47,719 Speaker 1: go behind the guy's back and tell your girlfriend so 200 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,000 Speaker 1: she can be wearing a nice enough outfit and their 201 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: hair is done right. 202 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,679 Speaker 2: I mean, there's a lot of stuff that goes on 203 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,560 Speaker 2: behind the scenes where we try to act like we 204 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 2: didn't know, but yeah, mostly we know. 205 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 1: So she I proposed to out of the blue. If 206 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:07,160 Speaker 1: that's true, then I am really really siding with her 207 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:10,840 Speaker 1: now in that there was enough separation of. 208 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,960 Speaker 2: Time where she thought he had a change of heart 209 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 2: and she accepted it, and it's what she wanted to. 210 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,720 Speaker 2: Why wouldn't she say yes? Okay, Michael, Okay, Michael, this 211 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,720 Speaker 2: is an interesting comment what he had to say about 212 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:26,240 Speaker 2: Jennifer m He said, women bash their significant other all 213 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,959 Speaker 2: the time. My wife did it in front of friends 214 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 2: and friends. Wives would do it in front of me. 215 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,920 Speaker 2: Women get upset about this topic because women complain how 216 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 2: the man didn't lift the toilet seed or dust before vacuuming. 217 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,920 Speaker 2: Men complain about women cheating during the relationship while not 218 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:45,920 Speaker 2: having physical relationships with their partner or relations with their partner. 219 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:50,320 Speaker 2: It's not our fault. Women's shortcomings are so much worse. 220 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,520 Speaker 1: WHOA, There's a lot there, but there's stuff worth addressing. Okay, 221 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:58,560 Speaker 1: there's a lot there like okay, Now, this idea that 222 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 1: a woman in front of a group of people could 223 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,840 Speaker 1: say to her husband, oh, he's such an idiot. 224 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,079 Speaker 2: Sometimes you're right, right. 225 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,800 Speaker 1: Little comments like that and putting him down that we 226 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: generally accept, would that be fair to say? 227 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,440 Speaker 2: I do think that that is fair on a general basis. 228 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,199 Speaker 1: Yes, so he is hinting at that now, even as 229 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: that's humiliating and upsetting and you shouldn't do that. Do 230 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,040 Speaker 1: you still not equate it to or should we equate it? 231 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,120 Speaker 1: Is it that an equal jab? 232 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 2: You know? I don't think it's equal to say. I mean, look, 233 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,640 Speaker 2: I don't think you should say my husband's an idiot 234 00:11:28,679 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 2: whatever and he's standing right there in front of him, 235 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,440 Speaker 2: because that would be the equivalent. But it's one thing 236 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,480 Speaker 2: to say my husband's an idiot. It's another thing to say, uh, 237 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 2: I regret marrying him, or I should never have married him, 238 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:43,600 Speaker 2: or I'm obligated now because I married this dufist Like 239 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:47,319 Speaker 2: that takes it to a whole other level combining right, 240 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,880 Speaker 2: I yes, neither one is okay. But I do think 241 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,960 Speaker 2: telling a room that you are you married someone because 242 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:57,000 Speaker 2: you felt obligated to marry them is the lowest possible blow. 243 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,640 Speaker 2: I think you could give. It means like I didn't 244 00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:03,079 Speaker 2: want to marry this person who was standing right next 245 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,960 Speaker 2: to me, aka my wife. 246 00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:06,880 Speaker 1: But he wanted to be with her. How did we 247 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 1: He was in an eight year relationship. 248 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:10,960 Speaker 2: It was not like this was some new love and 249 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,320 Speaker 2: he didn't realize what he was getting into, like he 250 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,480 Speaker 2: knew her. I don't get it. 251 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,880 Speaker 1: I would marriage turned things somebody and waitset. I'm trying 252 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,000 Speaker 1: to look at the rest of what Michael. 253 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 2: That was something he was saying that women, what men 254 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,600 Speaker 2: complain about women is so much worse. Like women complain 255 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,280 Speaker 2: that men don't don't put the toilet seat down, but 256 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:30,920 Speaker 2: men are dealing with women cheating on them. I don't 257 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,920 Speaker 2: that seemed like that was a big I think lots 258 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,800 Speaker 2: of different issues can happen for both genders. 259 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,840 Speaker 1: Michael is going to have to write in and we need. 260 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 2: More information to us, all right, Carl. Carl wrote in 261 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:47,080 Speaker 2: and said, next time he says it in public, just 262 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,319 Speaker 2: state that you married him out of pity. It's not 263 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:52,640 Speaker 2: bad like this similar pity spite. Those are interchangeable. Both 264 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:56,160 Speaker 2: of those are fun quips, Okay, Here's what Mary. This 265 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,400 Speaker 2: is the first female first woman we have writing in 266 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,559 Speaker 2: for a comment about Jennifer m all right, here's what 267 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,760 Speaker 2: she said. Here's what Mary said. Please don't let him 268 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,120 Speaker 2: disrespect you. That is what he is doing. I would 269 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,720 Speaker 2: tell him how much that hurt you, and if he 270 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,320 Speaker 2: ever does it again, I would suggest you divorce him. 271 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,440 Speaker 2: If he is not in love with you enough to 272 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:18,960 Speaker 2: respect you, then find someone who is. When someone you 273 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,880 Speaker 2: love does not return that love in equal kind, and 274 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,520 Speaker 2: if you stay with him, you will maybe forgive, but 275 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,320 Speaker 2: please trust me, you will never forget. 276 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:28,400 Speaker 1: Well said Mary. 277 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,360 Speaker 2: I think that's a really good piece of advice. I 278 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:34,120 Speaker 2: agree with her because maybe you give him one more chance. 279 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 2: Maybe he has a reason, maybe he has some pent 280 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 2: up resentment he needs to work through with you, and 281 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,320 Speaker 2: then maybe he won't feel that way and won't act 282 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,200 Speaker 2: that way. But yeah, on once he does it again, 283 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,720 Speaker 2: or if he does it again, I don't think there's 284 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:47,719 Speaker 2: any coming back from that. 285 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:52,240 Speaker 1: The relationship didn't change over eight years, except we call 286 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,480 Speaker 1: it a marriage now, so that means there's something there. 287 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,319 Speaker 1: You invest eight years, there was something going on there 288 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,040 Speaker 1: to the point after eight years marriage was still on 289 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,600 Speaker 1: the table. Right, that's not two people who thinking about 290 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,720 Speaker 1: not being together. That's true. You're still talking about it, 291 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,440 Speaker 1: so I don't know how we get to this place. 292 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:11,200 Speaker 1: So to what Mary is saying, I still think there's 293 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 1: something there. I like, tell him how much it hurt. 294 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:17,199 Speaker 1: Let's talk it out, see if we can get through it. 295 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,040 Speaker 1: But don't you dare do this again. 296 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 2: That's the ultimatum I would be okay with. If you 297 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:27,120 Speaker 2: do it again, we're done. I think that's fair. It's 298 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,320 Speaker 2: fair because he doesn't have to say that. So I 299 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 2: actually love this last comment. We plucked that you plucked 300 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:36,280 Speaker 2: Actually DJ the best. I think this is my favorite 301 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,960 Speaker 2: of all of them. This is right up my alley, Diff, 302 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,640 Speaker 2: whoever you are, I love this piece of advice you 303 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:46,960 Speaker 2: have for Jennifer M. Diff writes, introduce him to others 304 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:50,440 Speaker 2: as your first husband. That'll give him something to think about. 305 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,280 Speaker 1: Wait for it. Some people are trying to figure out wait. 306 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:59,200 Speaker 2: Wait, oh, there could be a second, there could be 307 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:00,720 Speaker 2: a third. You never know. 308 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,800 Speaker 1: This is my first husband is online. 309 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,080 Speaker 2: I love you know what. That's my favorite. That's a 310 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:09,320 Speaker 2: drop the mic moment. Jennifer m If you get the chance, 311 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,640 Speaker 2: just you know what, if you want to wait to 312 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,680 Speaker 2: have the conversation. Do that first, and then let him 313 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,360 Speaker 2: come to you and say what was that all about? 314 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 2: And say, oh, funny you should ask, And there's your 315 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:23,360 Speaker 2: conversation starter. I love it. Diff Thank you, Thank you 316 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:26,440 Speaker 2: for the perfect piece of advice for Jennifer em. 317 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,560 Speaker 1: Again, it sounds like something else is going on there 318 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:33,080 Speaker 1: that needs to be addressed. Fine, but I just hate 319 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,960 Speaker 1: to hear that kind of an investment in a relationship 320 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 1: that still was going strong after eight years. Let's figure 321 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,880 Speaker 1: this thing out before we completely call it quits. 322 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,920 Speaker 2: It's worth a conversation. So thank you all, by the way, 323 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:49,320 Speaker 2: for reading our new column ask Amy and TJ on Yahoo. 324 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,880 Speaker 2: In the life section every Monday, you will see a 325 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,880 Speaker 2: new question that a reader has written to us and 326 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,080 Speaker 2: our advice, and again, we love to hear your comments, 327 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,920 Speaker 2: so please leave them for us and we will maybe 328 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,320 Speaker 2: feature one of them on our podcast the following Saturday 329 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 2: after our columns drop on Monday. But thank you for 330 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,560 Speaker 2: listening to us here on the Amy and TJ Podcast. 331 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:18,680 Speaker 2: We hope you have a wonderful day.