WEBVTT - Sexual Consent: What Every Woman Should Know 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:02.720 Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.600 Red Tabletop Podcast, all your favorite episodes from the Facebook 0:00:06.600 --> 0:00:10.440 Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and I 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:13.760 Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review on 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:19.439 Apple Podcasts. I left myself vulnerable to be taken advantage of. 0:00:20.560 --> 0:00:23.000 I felt growth and I'm just laying there like I 0:00:23.079 --> 0:00:25.800 don't want to do this. Something happened to me a 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:28.480 couple of months ago. It's so hard to talk about it. 0:00:28.880 --> 0:00:31.319 I didn't say yes, but I also didn't say no. 0:00:32.040 --> 0:00:34.879 I just let it happen. I just feel like I'm 0:00:34.920 --> 0:00:38.919 still very confused about this gray area of consent. For me, 0:00:39.520 --> 0:00:43.240 it's like, no, it's no. I don't understand how you 0:00:43.360 --> 0:00:47.240 confused about it. Have you've had a sexual experience that 0:00:47.560 --> 0:00:51.800 was not consensual? I have, but it was also with 0:00:52.000 --> 0:01:04.560 your dad. Actually this may shock you, but we took 0:01:04.560 --> 0:01:08.760 a poll and every woman we asked admitted they have 0:01:08.840 --> 0:01:13.760 had unwanted sex. Sexual consent is a hot button issue. 0:01:13.800 --> 0:01:18.000 Opinions and feelings can get really, really really hot about 0:01:18.040 --> 0:01:22.200 this one. And remember that all women don't have the 0:01:22.360 --> 0:01:27.240 same opinion, nor do we have to opinions there, And 0:01:27.319 --> 0:01:33.120 there's a difference between being raped right, yes, versus being 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:38.400 in situations that create these kind of gray areas of 0:01:38.800 --> 0:01:43.840 non consensual Definitely, I will definitely say as a woman, 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:51.800 I definitely got into some situations where I didn't vocalize 0:01:51.800 --> 0:01:54.000 in a way that I should have and me not 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:58.600 necessarily understanding the dynamics. You go further than you want 0:01:58.640 --> 0:02:00.639 to and then you feel like it's too late to stop. 0:02:02.040 --> 0:02:06.560 For me, It's like, no, it's no, it's it's really 0:02:06.880 --> 0:02:09.880 in my mind before we started even talking about I 0:02:09.919 --> 0:02:11.919 was like, well, what is there to even talk about? 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:15.280 Because no means not. So gam you feel like nowhere 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:19.560 in your history in regards to sexual intimacy, have you 0:02:19.600 --> 0:02:23.840 felt like you've had a sexual experience that was not 0:02:24.080 --> 0:02:28.600 necessarily consensual or was you know, kind of in that 0:02:28.680 --> 0:02:33.040 gray area. I have. I have, but it was also 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:41.920 with my husband, Ok. Dad, Actually, so that's really gray. 0:02:42.639 --> 0:02:48.600 That is gray, that's really you do hear that a lot. 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:51.919 So you're basically saying you had non consensual sex with 0:02:52.000 --> 0:02:56.440 my father, so that he forced himself upon you. Yeah, 0:02:56.520 --> 0:02:59.959 but I mean it wasn't you know? Yeah, Well why 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:02.679 you say it like that? Yeah? I don't really want 0:03:02.720 --> 0:03:06.480 to go into more details. Camera back back, all right, 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:10.000 I got it. Yeah, women are not really allowed to 0:03:10.000 --> 0:03:13.119 be vocal around sex in regards to what pleases them 0:03:13.240 --> 0:03:17.360 and what just pleases me. Right, So any conversation around 0:03:17.400 --> 0:03:21.799 sex for a woman is like it's a hot area. 0:03:21.960 --> 0:03:23.560 So even if you try to talk to your mother 0:03:23.600 --> 0:03:26.280 about it, she usually doesn't even want to talk to 0:03:26.320 --> 0:03:28.800 you about it in detail, you know what I'm saying. 0:03:28.840 --> 0:03:32.519 And usually it's like, don't put yourself in that that situation, 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:35.040 or you shouldn't be having sex anyway, or you know, 0:03:35.680 --> 0:03:38.760 you get all of that. So now you don't really 0:03:38.800 --> 0:03:42.360 have the information. You don't know the game because one 0:03:42.400 --> 0:03:44.640 of the things that I realized too is like a 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:48.200 boy's game is to get you to yes. Yeah, So 0:03:48.280 --> 0:03:52.560 he's gonna be persistent, he's gonna be like manipulated. He's 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:55.000 a hunter. You gotta know what the game is. Don't 0:03:55.040 --> 0:03:56.920 get in the game or want you in the game. 0:03:57.000 --> 0:03:59.840 You really got to know, like you gotta know your boundaries, 0:04:00.240 --> 0:04:02.640 and you gotta know how Me and will get into 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:06.360 conversations about that all the time because he's like if 0:04:06.400 --> 0:04:08.680 she goes to the hotel room, she knows what's up. No, 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:13.480 she doesn't, but promise you not all the time. No, 0:04:14.560 --> 0:04:20.239 I don't agree with differently than that, I really do. Okay, 0:04:20.360 --> 0:04:22.599 let's meal you feel like if she goes to the 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:26.240 hotel room. Let's say, maybe she's like, oh, I want 0:04:26.279 --> 0:04:29.640 to spend more time. Maybe she's not thinking like, oh, 0:04:29.720 --> 0:04:33.159 it's gonna go there straight away, but it has to 0:04:33.200 --> 0:04:35.720 be in her mind. But you're not thinking in the 0:04:35.800 --> 0:04:39.960 same way he is. Especially men who are not sexually disciplined, 0:04:40.000 --> 0:04:44.279 in my opinion, tend to have a very predatorial It's 0:04:44.360 --> 0:04:47.680 just primal. It's like young guys don't know that they're 0:04:47.680 --> 0:04:49.479 trying to figure it out. All they know is that 0:04:49.480 --> 0:04:52.000 they have this strong drive and they want you. Now. 0:04:53.640 --> 0:04:56.360 Does that make sense? It makes sense, But I still 0:04:56.400 --> 0:05:00.640 don't get past the responsibility of the young lady to 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:04.480 that young ladies aren't supposed to be responsible. What I'm 0:05:04.480 --> 0:05:08.599 saying is that young ladies are not prepared. They're not 0:05:08.760 --> 0:05:11.120 so where are you supposed to learn it? You and 0:05:11.240 --> 0:05:13.960 I never had a conversation about that. Didn't But I 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:16.520 wasn't prepared. But that's what I'm trying to say. So 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:20.320 we're expecting these young girls to just know and that's ridiculous, 0:05:20.400 --> 0:05:22.880 and we're expecting these young boys to just know some 0:05:23.000 --> 0:05:26.000 kind of way from somehow. I knew. I didn't get 0:05:26.000 --> 0:05:29.680 prepared for my mother, but I knew, and I was 0:05:29.800 --> 0:05:35.000 never in a position or a circumstance that I couldn't 0:05:35.000 --> 0:05:36.839 take care of myself or that I felt like I 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:39.920 couldn't say no or put Sometimes it's stubtle, though, like 0:05:40.040 --> 0:05:42.800 sometime talking about the more subtle stuff I'm talking about 0:05:42.800 --> 0:05:45.520 when you're with somebody that you know, because there have 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:48.760 been times where I'm like, oh, was that disrespectful? Sometimes 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:51.560 you you can't read the situation, you know what I mean, 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:53.960 or you don't know you misread it. A lot of 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:56.799 times I would misread it, and I'd be like, oh, 0:05:56.960 --> 0:06:00.680 I'm in something right now. I'm in something right now, right, 0:06:00.720 --> 0:06:02.760 And so that's why I'm with Willow. I don't know 0:06:02.880 --> 0:06:05.360 you prepared, Okay, I just want to jump in on that, 0:06:05.440 --> 0:06:10.520 because you definitely prepared me for the danger of men. 0:06:10.720 --> 0:06:14.320 When I was younger, it was like men are dangerous. 0:06:14.440 --> 0:06:19.760 First of all, you didn't tell me that, but the 0:06:19.839 --> 0:06:23.479 way that you would talk to me, in my little brain, yes, 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:27.159 my brain said, men equal danger. So you're becoming a 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:29.599 young late because she wanted to hang out with guys 0:06:30.360 --> 0:06:35.440 we were older than her herself. And I'm like, some 0:06:35.480 --> 0:06:39.480 of those conversations, there's no you hanging out with nobody alone. 0:06:39.560 --> 0:06:42.760 I was always very aware of the danger of men, 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:45.880 and I don't even want to say the danger of men. 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:49.679 Will say the danger of the undisciplined male sexual mind. 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:52.880 That's different. Yeah, I don't want to put a blanket 0:06:52.920 --> 0:06:54.719 on men like that because that's nothing, but it can 0:06:54.800 --> 0:06:57.760 be dangerous. And that's what you made very clear. Yes, 0:06:58.440 --> 0:07:02.520 I did, Yes, I t I don't know. I just 0:07:02.640 --> 0:07:06.000 feel like I'm still very confused about this gray area 0:07:06.120 --> 0:07:09.360 of consent. I think I can't understand how you're confused 0:07:09.360 --> 0:07:11.360 about it when we just had agreement on the fact 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:15.240 that young women are not educated. I don't think men 0:07:15.440 --> 0:07:19.280 or women are educated enough because men are thinking, you know, 0:07:19.400 --> 0:07:21.840 the game, like Will, He's like, you know what's up, 0:07:22.160 --> 0:07:24.480 and I'm thinking, no, you're playing my game. We're just 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:26.560 gonna go up here, we're gonna talk again, a good time, 0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:31.120 we're gonna connect more. But right, but he's thinking in 0:07:31.240 --> 0:07:33.720 his mind, well, if you're spending time with me alone, 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:36.960 then that means a yes is available, So I'm going 0:07:37.040 --> 0:07:40.400 to keep going for the yes, and I'm thinking, oh, no, 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:43.600 I like you. You make me laugh. I'm not thinking 0:07:44.640 --> 0:07:48.680 that sex is an absolute in his mind because I'm 0:07:48.680 --> 0:07:52.720 not there, but it certainly is a possibility. And just 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:56.240 the fact that it's a possibility put you in a 0:07:56.240 --> 0:07:59.160 position where you have to know where you're going, what 0:07:59.240 --> 0:08:02.320 you're doing, who you're going with, and what your boundaries are. 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:06.800 Women need to understand a male mind around sexuality, and 0:08:07.000 --> 0:08:11.320 men need an understanding of a female's mind around sexuality. 0:08:11.360 --> 0:08:15.600 There's a lot of misunderstanding, Like a lot of men 0:08:15.680 --> 0:08:18.720 feel like, if I buy you this drink, that's a signal. 0:08:19.120 --> 0:08:21.720 If you decide to let me take you home, that's 0:08:21.720 --> 0:08:24.559 a signal. If you decide to let me come into 0:08:24.640 --> 0:08:27.320 your house and spend more time with you, that's a signal. 0:08:27.480 --> 0:08:31.440 For him, that could be a communication going towards something 0:08:31.960 --> 0:08:36.960 that's not necessarily what she's going for. Does that make sense? 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:39.080 It makes sense, But she needs to be a little 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:42.160 bit more clear. I understand that. First of all, I 0:08:42.160 --> 0:08:45.280 didn't grow up with a father or brother, right, so 0:08:45.400 --> 0:08:49.079 I had a lot to learn, a lot to learn 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:53.200 in regards to the male mind. In regards to intimacy 0:08:53.240 --> 0:08:56.800 and sex. Willow grew up with brothers, so she got 0:08:56.800 --> 0:08:59.880 to kind of see it firsthand. It was always very 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:03.160 parent to me, maybe not in the most healthy way, 0:09:03.320 --> 0:09:07.600 that sex is always on a man's mind. So you 0:09:07.679 --> 0:09:10.400 have to protect yourself and you have to be very 0:09:10.440 --> 0:09:14.200 clear and very aware and not put yourself in a 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:18.679 situation where you can be victimized. So that was extremely 0:09:18.800 --> 0:09:22.240 clear to me from a young age. But she had 0:09:22.240 --> 0:09:25.960 an education exactly, and I didn't have that education. So 0:09:26.000 --> 0:09:29.760 I was constantly putting myself in situations that I didn't 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:33.200 need to be in. If I knew then what I 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:37.880 know now, I wouldn't have even been drunk at college parties. 0:09:38.480 --> 0:09:41.960 I left myself vulnerable to be taken advantage of those 0:09:42.000 --> 0:09:45.319 things happen most you put yourself in more of a 0:09:45.360 --> 0:09:49.880 vulnerable situation for those you're susceptible to those things when 0:09:50.040 --> 0:09:53.240 you're inebriated. So this is what makes it complicated, you know, 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:56.640 being in a in a situation with somebody of like, 0:09:56.840 --> 0:09:58.720 oh my god, I went too far, but I'm afraid 0:09:58.800 --> 0:10:00.720 to say no, and then I go through with it, 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:02.800 and I hate that I did it. Why? Why what 0:10:03.000 --> 0:10:05.600 I don't understand why. I'm just not what you want. 0:10:05.800 --> 0:10:09.680 But I'm just saying, there's understand these complex areas of 0:10:10.720 --> 0:10:14.640 sex and trying to get understanding even and when we 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:18.240 educate young girls of the dudes and adults, you know, 0:10:18.360 --> 0:10:26.040 really kind that if you don't understand, he damn sure done. Okay, 0:10:26.080 --> 0:10:28.959 there you go. So this is a subject that is 0:10:29.080 --> 0:10:32.719 very important to our dear friend, Rumor willis what did 0:10:32.760 --> 0:10:35.320 you see in your mother that you felt was a 0:10:35.360 --> 0:10:39.040 reflection a lot of the just like unworthiness, Like there's 0:10:39.080 --> 0:10:41.800 something innately about me that I have to earn love 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:45.800 from people and like constantly proved myself that and a 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:49.240 lot of the stuff with men. She was carrying my 0:10:49.520 --> 0:10:52.360 the weight of my issue. The last time she was here, 0:10:52.440 --> 0:10:54.160 she was like, you guys need to have a show 0:10:54.160 --> 0:10:56.600 about consent. And so here we are. Are you hearing 0:10:56.640 --> 0:10:59.959 our struggle with hear you? My god? It's so interesting 0:11:00.120 --> 0:11:04.000 because there's so much of this that is so high octane. 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:07.520 Absolutely to me. The issue is when you're young, you're 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:09.600 taught all right, well, if you have sex, then you're 0:11:09.600 --> 0:11:12.000 going to get pregnant or STDs, and you guys are 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:14.000 boosted up there like yeah, if you can go and 0:11:14.080 --> 0:11:17.559 get this girl, that's great. And there's such shame around 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:22.200 sexuality and all, and it's all about men having the power, 0:11:23.360 --> 0:11:25.679 and oh, if someone likes you, if a guy likes you, 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:29.960 that's great, So don't do anything that would potentially mess 0:11:30.040 --> 0:11:34.480 that up. I would get myself into a situation. And 0:11:34.800 --> 0:11:39.120 at some point I had learned that if someone wants 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:42.560 values me sexually, or I feel like they desire me, 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:47.080 then they are entitled to me. When I was like fourteen, 0:11:47.559 --> 0:11:50.920 because I was so shamed, like when all those blogs 0:11:50.960 --> 0:11:54.040 came out about how I looked, how my face looked. 0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:57.080 Then my idea was that, oh, well then if I'm 0:11:57.120 --> 0:12:00.840 desired sexually, then I'm some I have value. I think 0:12:00.840 --> 0:12:03.240 we now I have to be honest with you. That 0:12:03.320 --> 0:12:06.920 really makes sense. I went through that stage too, because 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:11.280 I was always so petite. I wasn't always the girl. 0:12:11.920 --> 0:12:15.600 So when you had like that gaze, you know, it 0:12:15.720 --> 0:12:19.520 was like it was a drug, you know. I did 0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:22.079 get caught up in that a little bit. When I 0:12:22.120 --> 0:12:24.959 came back to l A when I was like fifteen 0:12:25.040 --> 0:12:28.560 or sixteen, everyone out here was already having sex. They 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:31.040 didn't put pressure on me, but I did because I 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:34.360 felt so inexperienced and like I just needed to catch up. 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:37.720 When I lost my virginity when I was eighteen, I 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:41.679 was more concerned with the shame that I was feeling 0:12:41.679 --> 0:12:45.000 at not having done it. I was not abused or 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:48.839 it wasn't raped, but I didn't say yes. I wasn't 0:12:48.960 --> 0:12:52.120 gung ho about it. But I also didn't say no. 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:56.320 I just let it happen. He was older and took advantage, 0:12:56.920 --> 0:12:59.319 but I didn't check in. That's where I feel like 0:12:59.360 --> 0:13:02.280 the men's onsibility is no means no. But what if 0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:05.080 you can't say no. What if you're in a position 0:13:05.240 --> 0:13:08.320 and you're going I can't express no because I've never 0:13:08.679 --> 0:13:12.200 done that. A lot of men feel like, well, if 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:15.160 we're here and we're doing this year down exactly, well, 0:13:15.160 --> 0:13:17.120 it's so hard to talk about it. Even since I 0:13:17.160 --> 0:13:19.280 brought this forward to you, I had such a shift 0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:22.480 in perspective of trying to get out of like a 0:13:22.559 --> 0:13:27.040 victim mentality and not just placing blame on men and 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:29.600 saying they are responsible and they should be doing this 0:13:29.760 --> 0:13:33.720 because in every situation that I've been uncomfortable and it 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:36.360 is my responsibility to speak up. And I think that's 0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:41.120 confusion of where the Clinton comes from. I'm telling you, 0:13:41.160 --> 0:13:43.880 I like something happened to me a couple of months ago, 0:13:44.480 --> 0:13:46.880 and I hung out with this person for a little while. 0:13:47.200 --> 0:13:49.040 We were kissing outside, and I said, do you want 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:52.480 to come in for a minute. And when I asked 0:13:52.520 --> 0:13:54.560 you to come in my house, that doesn't mean that 0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:56.600 I'm saying that you can get me naked. That doesn't 0:13:56.640 --> 0:13:58.480 mean that I'm saying you can do this. I'm saying 0:13:58.480 --> 0:14:01.920 you can come into my house. And as soon as 0:14:02.000 --> 0:14:04.640 I got into my house, it was like hands every 0:14:04.640 --> 0:14:08.800 week and all my clothes off, and then I just froze. Really, 0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:11.240 I completely frozen, and I had I even have so 0:14:11.320 --> 0:14:13.320 much shame about bringing that up because I feel like 0:14:13.400 --> 0:14:16.320 I'm such this empowered, strong person. But even I couldn't 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:18.640 do it, could not say no, I could not say 0:14:18.640 --> 0:14:22.840 I'm uncomfortable. I couldn't say this is too fast, I'm 0:14:22.880 --> 0:14:26.120 not ready for this. This is where I think it's 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:29.480 on the male side responsibility. There was no awareness from 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:33.680 him of my discomfort, even if I couldn't say anything. 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:38.080 I was obviously uncomfortable and trying to shut it down. 0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:41.640 Even though I couldn't say anything, and it was just 0:14:42.720 --> 0:14:44.640 it's like if you come in the house or that 0:14:44.880 --> 0:14:47.680 you get a free pass to all of it. Yeah, 0:14:48.000 --> 0:14:52.920 so we have another guest with us. You may know 0:14:53.000 --> 0:14:58.200 Amber Roses the former stripper turned model, actress and activists 0:14:58.760 --> 0:15:01.600 or the ex wife of With Khalifa and mother of 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:07.840 two young sons, Sebastian and Slash. But today Amber is 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:12.080 an outspoken advocate against sexual injustice and continues to speak 0:15:12.080 --> 0:15:17.520 out on consent, an issue very personal to her. You're welcome, 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:22.040 Thank you, so, Amber, what is your personal story when 0:15:22.040 --> 0:15:24.720 it comes to consent. I was in a relationship for 0:15:24.800 --> 0:15:30.040 two years. I have consensual sex plenty of times during 0:15:30.080 --> 0:15:34.680 that relationship. Um, I didn't want to be with him anymore. 0:15:35.720 --> 0:15:38.880 I told him that I was leaving, and he didn't 0:15:38.880 --> 0:15:41.720 want to hear that. He ripped my clothes off. I 0:15:41.760 --> 0:15:45.360 felt ickyfl growth, I felt I felt I was taking 0:15:45.400 --> 0:15:49.200 advantage of and it was terrible. And then he went 0:15:49.240 --> 0:15:52.600 downstairs and ate breakfast like he didn't do anything. So 0:15:52.720 --> 0:15:58.560 the gray area in that situation is I had sex 0:15:58.600 --> 0:16:01.680 with him so many times in these two years. I 0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:06.840 didn't fully understand what had happened, but I know what 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:11.240 I felt like after and then I also remember being 0:16:11.560 --> 0:16:14.720 you know, younger, you know, I would maybe take a 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:17.160 guy too far and they'll be like, oh, let me 0:16:17.200 --> 0:16:20.120 just put the head in a little bit. I was like, no, 0:16:20.240 --> 0:16:22.160 I kind of don't want to, not just a little bit. 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:24.320 And then it's full of sex and I'm just laying 0:16:24.320 --> 0:16:27.920 there like I don't want to do this. Right. We've 0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:30.640 had Have you ever had the experience? I'm curious work 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:37.440 it's easier to just let it finish than say stop. Yeah, 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:40.680 I think every woman has been through that and that situation. 0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:42.600 Do you think that he caught a vibe that you 0:16:42.640 --> 0:16:46.480 didn't want to do anything? Maybe, but maybe I was. 0:16:47.360 --> 0:16:49.760 I mean in my mind because i don't want it 0:16:49.800 --> 0:16:52.320 to happen. I'm thinking, how can you not see? But 0:16:52.400 --> 0:16:55.680 if somebody, if you want to have sex with someone right, 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:57.960 you're gonna be touching a revenue, kiss them, You're gonna 0:16:57.960 --> 0:17:00.720 be on top of them, rolling around with them. If 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:04.320 that wasn't what you were doing. The man knows that 0:17:04.400 --> 0:17:07.120 you're not withted. He's just taking advantage of the fact 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:11.880 that you do feel bad to say no. And I've 0:17:11.880 --> 0:17:14.240 been in those situations where I'm like I took them 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:17.800 too far. I got the condom on fine, you know, 0:17:18.000 --> 0:17:20.160 and I really and he knew. I didn't want to 0:17:20.480 --> 0:17:23.800 write any situation I've been And even when I felt 0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:29.159 that there was maybe a man who too far took advantage, 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:32.560 I still blame myself. I still went home and said 0:17:33.119 --> 0:17:36.119 I can't believe, like, why didn't I say anything like 0:17:36.240 --> 0:17:40.200 punished myself? Didn't go and then call that person out 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:43.359 and say, hey, you know what, that wasn't okay? And 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:48.080 I felt really uncomfortable the idea of that, like because 0:17:49.840 --> 0:17:53.920 thinking about it, you know what I mean? Gray zone 0:17:53.960 --> 0:17:57.640 sex is happening at a staggering rate. The latest research 0:17:57.720 --> 0:18:01.240 shows that one in three women will have had unwanted 0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:07.840 sex before she graduates college. My name is Hannah, my 0:18:07.920 --> 0:18:11.840 name is Alexis, my name is Sam. This is my story. 0:18:12.240 --> 0:18:15.040 When I was nineteen years old, I had met a 0:18:15.080 --> 0:18:18.159 guy and I really started to like him. He asked 0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:20.960 me to come over to his place to watch a movie. 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:24.640 When I was nineteen years old, I lost my virginity 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:27.639 in that great area of consent. We were texting and 0:18:27.680 --> 0:18:29.800 he wanted to come over, so he came over. We 0:18:29.800 --> 0:18:33.959 started kissing. We were friends and we've been flirting for months. 0:18:34.240 --> 0:18:37.200 There was this like trust. I went over there kind 0:18:37.240 --> 0:18:39.200 of expected to hook up a little bit to get 0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:41.800 to know him, not really with the intention of having sex. 0:18:41.880 --> 0:18:44.480 I kept saying as a reminder, I'm not going to 0:18:44.640 --> 0:18:46.600 have sex with you, and I said I do not 0:18:46.720 --> 0:18:48.720 want to do that. And then our clothes were off, 0:18:48.760 --> 0:18:50.520 and then he was touching me in places, and then 0:18:50.560 --> 0:18:53.280 all of a sudden he was putting on a condom. 0:18:53.520 --> 0:18:55.760 There's only so many times you can say, hey, this 0:18:55.840 --> 0:18:58.720 isn't gonna happen. It's all kind of a blurb. But 0:18:58.800 --> 0:19:01.439 like I remember like like something and then looking up 0:19:01.440 --> 0:19:04.080 at him and asking him, like, is that a penis? 0:19:04.400 --> 0:19:06.720 And then he said yeah, And I just went for 0:19:06.760 --> 0:19:09.719 being a shachamo like my mom was racing. He had 0:19:09.720 --> 0:19:12.119 already started like making moves, and I feel like I 0:19:12.160 --> 0:19:14.560 didn't want to make him feel bad by making him stop, 0:19:14.720 --> 0:19:17.120 so I ended up going along with it and did 0:19:17.160 --> 0:19:19.840 not enjoy it. While it was happening at all, I 0:19:19.880 --> 0:19:21.960 knew I didn't want it. I kind of felt like, 0:19:22.119 --> 0:19:25.119 once it's inside, I did nothing I can really do. 0:19:25.400 --> 0:19:29.080 I remember freezing and not understanding why I was freezing. 0:19:29.480 --> 0:19:33.240 If I don't keep going, is he going to get mad? 0:19:33.359 --> 0:19:34.960 And I felt like it was my fault and I 0:19:35.000 --> 0:19:38.080 felt like I was being dramatic, overreacting or like being 0:19:38.080 --> 0:19:40.320 you know, like a typical like woman. How we're perceived. 0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:43.560 I realized he was having sex with me. We weren't 0:19:43.640 --> 0:19:47.800 having sex together because I had made it so clear 0:19:47.880 --> 0:19:50.080 so many times that I didn't want to have sex. 0:19:50.200 --> 0:19:55.280 I felt almost like betrayed. This could have been a relationship, 0:19:55.320 --> 0:19:57.920 This could have been a partnership, and that was never 0:19:57.960 --> 0:20:01.679 allowed to flourish because I felt violated. There was this 0:20:01.800 --> 0:20:06.800 very lingering feeling of violation and like I was worthless. 0:20:07.440 --> 0:20:14.800 I don't want him to feel like a rapist. I mean, 0:20:15.280 --> 0:20:24.119 I just felt like it wasn't like I'm sorry, m 0:20:26.359 --> 0:20:31.280 that's deep because she had kept saying no. Yeah, so 0:20:31.400 --> 0:20:37.320 now if you're not aggressive, if you're not going to 0:20:37.400 --> 0:20:39.520 be the girl that's gonna be like push you off, 0:20:39.960 --> 0:20:42.000 you know what I mean. And now you feel like, oh, no, 0:20:42.080 --> 0:20:46.120 I mean physical danger, like I should just comply just 0:20:46.200 --> 0:20:50.960 so that nothing pops off. She said no, and it's 0:20:50.960 --> 0:20:55.000 still the no wasn't good enough him. Sometimes it's like 0:20:55.400 --> 0:20:57.520 this is turning me on because she's kind of saying no, 0:20:57.680 --> 0:20:59.639 but I know she means yes, because she's at my 0:20:59.640 --> 0:21:02.439 host you know, she wanted to have drinks with me. 0:21:02.520 --> 0:21:05.840 It's like, girl, what did you expect? And how are 0:21:05.880 --> 0:21:11.640 you teaching your boys? He just turned seven, but he's 0:21:11.760 --> 0:21:16.200 way beyond his year, you know, and he knows everything. 0:21:16.760 --> 0:21:19.480 I'm not hiding nothing from my son. My son knows 0:21:19.520 --> 0:21:22.119 what a period is. He'll come in the bathroom and 0:21:22.200 --> 0:21:25.520 just be like this with me, and I'm like, he's like, Mommy, 0:21:25.560 --> 0:21:28.159 do you have your period? And I'm like, you know, 0:21:28.400 --> 0:21:30.800 not not right now, but I will. And he's like, 0:21:30.920 --> 0:21:33.040 you need a tampon? Do you need a pad? You know? 0:21:33.560 --> 0:21:36.240 But I say that to say my son is seven, 0:21:36.359 --> 0:21:38.960 and I don't feel like it's too soon. Huge. I 0:21:39.040 --> 0:21:42.240 don't because once he has thirteen and the girls in 0:21:42.320 --> 0:21:45.000 his classroom are getting their period and the boys are like, 0:21:45.080 --> 0:21:50.480 that's disgusting. She's bleeding. He's like, that's nothing. Period once 0:21:50.520 --> 0:21:53.399 a month. Yeah, exactly. I knew that since I was 0:21:53.440 --> 0:21:57.960 six years old. Dude, like, get with the program, right right, so, 0:21:58.119 --> 0:22:00.320 and I don't know if you've been through that with 0:22:00.440 --> 0:22:06.560 your boys, but he's very curious now. And now he's like, mom, 0:22:06.600 --> 0:22:08.960 you got a giggly butt and he'll just go come 0:22:08.960 --> 0:22:11.760 behind me and just jiggle my butt, you know. And 0:22:11.800 --> 0:22:15.199 I'm like, Sebastian, I know you're playing, and I know 0:22:15.240 --> 0:22:16.760 you love me and I'm your mom, but that's my 0:22:16.840 --> 0:22:20.840 private area and you don't touch my mom's private area, okay. 0:22:20.960 --> 0:22:23.680 And he's like, Okay, I understand. And I tell him 0:22:23.680 --> 0:22:26.320 with other girls, because when he goes to his dad's house, 0:22:28.040 --> 0:22:31.200 it's a different dynamic over there, right with a I 0:22:31.320 --> 0:22:36.760 co parent very well, but right, yeah, as a woman, 0:22:38.280 --> 0:22:41.199 you have different sensitivities as his mother. Right, So I 0:22:41.280 --> 0:22:43.760 have conversations with him like when you go to your 0:22:43.800 --> 0:22:46.719 dad's house when you're at school, you don't touch these 0:22:46.760 --> 0:22:50.919 girls inappropriately. You don't touch him at all. Period. I 0:22:50.960 --> 0:22:54.000 have to give you respect, Amber, And how young you're 0:22:54.040 --> 0:22:58.760 starting to teach your son, because you know, obviously we 0:22:58.760 --> 0:23:02.880 were lacking and what I received from from my mother 0:23:02.920 --> 0:23:05.400 and what I gave to Jada. And when I first 0:23:05.440 --> 0:23:08.919 started listening to you talk, I was cringing in my 0:23:09.000 --> 0:23:12.240 head and I was like, girl, but think about your 0:23:12.280 --> 0:23:16.919 own experience. You know, we were waiting way too long, 0:23:17.200 --> 0:23:20.560 too long to teach our children, and this is so important. 0:23:20.560 --> 0:23:22.560 So I just wanna I want to give you respect 0:23:22.600 --> 0:23:25.600 on you, thank you, and I get criticized for it. 0:23:25.680 --> 0:23:27.920 I'm sure you do. But you know what. Those are 0:23:27.960 --> 0:23:31.200 your children, and you know what, I commend you because 0:23:31.200 --> 0:23:33.480 I did the same with them, and I got criticized 0:23:33.520 --> 0:23:35.720 a lot, and it pays off. So I'll just tell 0:23:35.720 --> 0:23:40.240 you that, yeah, it pays off. So there's a heated 0:23:40.280 --> 0:23:44.480 debate about the new rules of sexual behavior. Check out 0:23:44.600 --> 0:23:47.880