WEBVTT - The Girl in the Mirror 0:00:14.916 --> 0:00:34.716 Pushkin ballet. It was ballet. I remember the mirrors and 0:00:34.916 --> 0:00:39.316 the little girls, and my stomach was like sort of protruding, 0:00:39.516 --> 0:00:43.516 and no one else's stomachs were protruding. And I became 0:00:43.636 --> 0:00:46.836 very self conscious of it, and I hated going to ballet, 0:00:47.316 --> 0:00:50.316 but I never really explained why. And then as I 0:00:50.316 --> 0:00:52.156 started to grow, I used to actually I would play 0:00:52.156 --> 0:00:54.156 this game as a little girl, where I would squeeze 0:00:54.196 --> 0:00:56.636 the fat on my stomach into a little ball and 0:00:56.676 --> 0:00:59.196 I'd be like, Oh, it's like a tangerine. And then 0:00:59.396 --> 0:01:01.036 I would as I got bigger, I would be like, 0:01:01.076 --> 0:01:03.396 it's like a grapefruit. And then I was like, it's 0:01:03.436 --> 0:01:05.596 like a melon. And then after that, I was like, 0:01:05.636 --> 0:01:08.516 I hate this game. I'm never playing this game again. 0:01:09.716 --> 0:01:12.116 From the time she was a little girl, Elena Baker 0:01:12.316 --> 0:01:15.876 hated her body. She thought if she could just become thin, 0:01:16.276 --> 0:01:19.076 everything in her life would be different, would be better. 0:01:19.796 --> 0:01:21.756 So she went on a mission to lose a ton 0:01:21.796 --> 0:01:24.836 of weight, and she did it. She lost close to 0:01:24.876 --> 0:01:28.276 one hundred pounds in five and a half months, and 0:01:28.436 --> 0:01:30.596 for a moment, it seemed to Elena like she was 0:01:30.676 --> 0:01:34.476 getting everything she wanted, until she started to realize she 0:01:34.556 --> 0:01:38.876 was losing herself in the process. I'm Maya Shunker and 0:01:38.956 --> 0:01:41.516 this is a slight change of plans. A show that 0:01:41.596 --> 0:01:44.636 dieds deep into the world of change and hopefully gets 0:01:44.676 --> 0:01:47.356 us to think differently at that change in our own lives. 0:02:08.756 --> 0:02:11.156 Ea Baker grew up in the nineteen eighties and a 0:02:11.196 --> 0:02:14.596 conservative Mormon family. Like I just was remembering this song. 0:02:14.636 --> 0:02:18.156 I grew up singing. This is the actual lyrics. When 0:02:18.236 --> 0:02:21.476 I grow up, I want to be a mother and 0:02:21.636 --> 0:02:25.076 have a family one little two, little three, little babies 0:02:25.076 --> 0:02:27.556 of my own, and then it keeps going. Of all 0:02:27.596 --> 0:02:31.356 the jobs for me, there is no other I'll have 0:02:31.396 --> 0:02:34.516 a family four, a little five, little six, little babies 0:02:34.556 --> 0:02:38.316 in my home, and you know, and that's like just 0:02:38.436 --> 0:02:41.796 par for the course of being Mormon. From an early age, 0:02:41.836 --> 0:02:43.956 Elena was sold on the idea that if she just 0:02:44.036 --> 0:02:46.916 looked a certain way and acted a certain way, she'd 0:02:46.916 --> 0:02:49.396 be worthy of love. I think a lot of it 0:02:49.436 --> 0:02:54.276 was media. You know. I grew up on Disney movies. 0:02:54.396 --> 0:02:58.756 I grew up on like princess stories. I was weirdly 0:02:58.876 --> 0:03:01.876 very affected by The Little Mermaid, who was my favorite movie. 0:03:02.236 --> 0:03:06.476 But Ursula was this like, you know, supposedly this this gigantic, 0:03:06.676 --> 0:03:12.196 disgusting woman. And I just remember being sold the narrative 0:03:12.876 --> 0:03:18.876 that certain women, if they looked a certain way, were 0:03:18.996 --> 0:03:24.036 invisible and would pine after men and they would never 0:03:24.116 --> 0:03:28.316 be loved. And it's so weird to me that I 0:03:28.316 --> 0:03:32.276 I attached myself to that narrative so young. I actually 0:03:32.316 --> 0:03:34.916 had a conversation with my parents recently because I was like, 0:03:35.916 --> 0:03:39.356 do you remember when I decided I was worthless because 0:03:39.396 --> 0:03:42.316 of the way I looked? And you know, as I 0:03:42.316 --> 0:03:43.796 spoke to my dad about it, you know, it was 0:03:43.836 --> 0:03:47.316 as young as eight years old that I was like, oh, 0:03:47.356 --> 0:03:50.276 I'm just one of the girls who will never be 0:03:50.276 --> 0:03:53.396 beautiful and will never be loved. Do you remember anyone 0:03:53.436 --> 0:03:57.396 ever saying anything to you about your body? Oh? Yeah, yeah, 0:03:57.436 --> 0:04:00.116 I mean everyone said things to me about my body. 0:04:00.356 --> 0:04:03.716 It seemed like it seemed like my body was like 0:04:03.836 --> 0:04:08.556 public domain, you know, So I have, you know, one 0:04:08.556 --> 0:04:12.276 of the memory that was I think I was. I 0:04:12.316 --> 0:04:15.916 was in fifth grade and the yearbook for a school 0:04:16.076 --> 0:04:19.356 costs like seventy dollars, so my parents didn't want to 0:04:19.396 --> 0:04:21.956 buy me and my sister both yearbooks, so we shared 0:04:21.996 --> 0:04:25.076 a yearbook, so she had the front half. I had 0:04:25.116 --> 0:04:28.556 the back half, and I would love to look through 0:04:28.596 --> 0:04:31.156 her section because she was popular, she had friends. I 0:04:31.196 --> 0:04:34.076 would like read all of the people who signed her section. 0:04:34.716 --> 0:04:37.596 And then I noticed that the two most popular boys 0:04:37.596 --> 0:04:40.236 in my grade had signed her section of the yearbook, 0:04:41.276 --> 0:04:44.156 and I thought for a second that they had just 0:04:44.196 --> 0:04:47.756 signed on the wrong side, but then it was addressed 0:04:47.756 --> 0:04:49.556 to my sister, and they didn't even know my sister. 0:04:49.716 --> 0:04:52.396 But one had written, how come you're so beautiful and 0:04:52.516 --> 0:04:55.596 your sister is so ugly? And the other had written, 0:04:56.396 --> 0:04:59.756 I wish your sister looked like you? And I was 0:04:59.876 --> 0:05:03.716 just I mean, I was devastated. I was crying. I 0:05:03.916 --> 0:05:07.676 had I had felt that I was worthless because of 0:05:07.676 --> 0:05:11.236 the way I looked. I had suspected it based on 0:05:12.676 --> 0:05:14.716 the way people would would look at me or look 0:05:14.756 --> 0:05:17.556 at my body. But I think that was like actual 0:05:17.636 --> 0:05:21.956 written confirmation looking back at it. Sorry, I'm getting emotional 0:05:22.036 --> 0:05:26.956 remembering all this. But you know, my mother saw that 0:05:26.996 --> 0:05:30.316 I was worried about my weight, and so she became 0:05:30.356 --> 0:05:33.316 heavily involved, and I you know, to her credit, I 0:05:33.356 --> 0:05:35.996 think she was just trying to help me. But that 0:05:36.276 --> 0:05:38.556 of course made it so much worse, because you know, 0:05:38.636 --> 0:05:41.196 if I went to have seconds at dinner, she would 0:05:41.236 --> 0:05:43.436 nod her head, and you know she didn't do with 0:05:43.476 --> 0:05:46.956 my brothers and sisters. She started taking me to specialist 0:05:47.036 --> 0:05:48.956 in doctors where they would, you know, make me get 0:05:49.036 --> 0:05:52.356 naked and measure me and weigh me, and you know, 0:05:52.396 --> 0:05:55.196 they were worried I had a thyroid issue. And I 0:05:55.236 --> 0:05:57.356 looked back to that time where there was all of 0:05:57.396 --> 0:06:00.876 this effort to try to understand what was wrong with Elma, 0:06:01.036 --> 0:06:03.996 and I look at pictures and I was actually totally 0:06:04.076 --> 0:06:08.436 normal sized. Like it's it doesn't it's unfortunate. It's like 0:06:08.516 --> 0:06:13.756 all the effort to prevent this thing from happening ended 0:06:13.836 --> 0:06:17.236 up being the catalyst for that thing happening. Because something 0:06:17.556 --> 0:06:21.116 happened to my mind. By the time I was sixteen, 0:06:21.156 --> 0:06:23.876 and you know, at my heaviest, at my heaviest, I 0:06:23.956 --> 0:06:27.396 was two hundred and sixty pounds, I was definitely in 0:06:27.436 --> 0:06:30.996 a place where I thought I didn't deserve to live, 0:06:31.076 --> 0:06:34.636 Like I was considering ending my life because of the 0:06:34.676 --> 0:06:38.876 way I looked. That's how that's how much I hated 0:06:39.916 --> 0:06:43.996 my body, how much I hated myself because I didn't 0:06:44.076 --> 0:06:48.276 feel like if I looked this way that I deserved 0:06:48.276 --> 0:06:52.996 any love or deserved to live. Elma continued to feel 0:06:52.996 --> 0:06:56.036 this way about herself for years. One day, when she 0:06:56.116 --> 0:06:59.476 was twenty two, it all came into full focus. She 0:06:59.556 --> 0:07:01.876 and her family took a trip to an amusement park 0:07:02.076 --> 0:07:04.436 where there was a funhouse with a hallway of mirrors. 0:07:04.996 --> 0:07:07.356 And so, as a family were walking down this hallway 0:07:07.396 --> 0:07:12.556 of mirrors and I turned the corner and the mirror 0:07:12.636 --> 0:07:15.316 in front of me, I saw this woman in it 0:07:15.516 --> 0:07:19.756 and it was me thin but proportionately thin. It wasn't 0:07:19.796 --> 0:07:22.076 one of those like where they stretch you out really 0:07:22.076 --> 0:07:26.716 really long. It was just like what I would look 0:07:26.756 --> 0:07:29.476 like if I was a different person. If I was 0:07:29.316 --> 0:07:36.156 it was a thin woman. And I mean I could 0:07:36.356 --> 0:07:39.356 not be torn away from that mirror. I mean I 0:07:39.436 --> 0:07:41.316 just stood in front of the mirror and I was like, 0:07:41.876 --> 0:07:44.876 what does thin Elma look like when she runs in place? 0:07:45.036 --> 0:07:47.556 What does thin Elma look like when she flips her hair? 0:07:48.036 --> 0:07:50.316 And I was just like flirting with myself. I mean, 0:07:50.356 --> 0:07:53.876 I was just like playing with this woman. I looked 0:07:53.916 --> 0:07:56.356 like a member of my family, Like I looked like 0:07:56.436 --> 0:07:59.796 my sisters, and I had no concept that I could 0:07:59.836 --> 0:08:05.436 look that way. And I also felt like this this 0:08:05.516 --> 0:08:09.996 person I had felt like I was, deep down inside 0:08:11.076 --> 0:08:16.076 was visually presenting itself to me in the mirror. This 0:08:16.196 --> 0:08:18.876 narrative that every fat woman has a thin woman inside 0:08:18.876 --> 0:08:24.236 of her. I felt like if I was her to 0:08:24.396 --> 0:08:29.876 the world, they would let me be the person who 0:08:29.996 --> 0:08:34.276 I wanted to be. What were those things that you 0:08:34.316 --> 0:08:37.436 wanted to be that you felt the world wasn't allowing 0:08:37.476 --> 0:08:41.836 you to be? It was free? I wanted to be free, 0:08:41.876 --> 0:08:46.076 and I wanted to be loved. So you're looking at 0:08:46.276 --> 0:08:52.076 fun House mayor Elena, and she's she seems free and lighthearted, 0:08:52.236 --> 0:08:54.836 and she's she's reaching her dreams. Like that's what you 0:08:54.836 --> 0:08:58.116 saw it? Yeah, I saw someone who every door would 0:08:58.156 --> 0:09:03.996 open for Wow, And I thought, what if I became her? Like, 0:09:04.116 --> 0:09:08.076 would my life be easier? Would it actually be different? 0:09:08.436 --> 0:09:12.716 Would I get things I wanted if I did the 0:09:12.716 --> 0:09:14.956 thing I've been told my whole life to do, which 0:09:15.036 --> 0:09:18.236 is just lose weight. And so that was when I 0:09:18.276 --> 0:09:21.396 became absolutely determined that I was going to take this 0:09:21.516 --> 0:09:25.556 on and I was going to become her. What made 0:09:25.556 --> 0:09:28.196 that moment different, like what led you to actually then 0:09:28.276 --> 0:09:33.596 go and lose all this weight? I think it was 0:09:33.676 --> 0:09:38.116 just absolute determination. It was like, I could not get this. 0:09:38.556 --> 0:09:40.636 I would close my eyes and I would see that 0:09:40.676 --> 0:09:44.196 woman and I could not get her out of my head. 0:09:44.556 --> 0:09:46.916 And I thought, this is going to be the time 0:09:46.916 --> 0:09:50.276 that I do it. You lost a lot of weight 0:09:50.436 --> 0:09:53.676 in a very short amount of time. Yeah, what did 0:09:53.676 --> 0:09:55.996 you have to put yourself through to get to that point? 0:09:57.556 --> 0:10:00.596 You know? The program was, you know, you ate a 0:10:00.676 --> 0:10:03.516 very minimal amount of food. You exercised, you know, at 0:10:03.596 --> 0:10:05.676 least half an hour a day, you drank eight you 0:10:05.756 --> 0:10:09.436 drink eight glasses of water. And then you also you 0:10:09.516 --> 0:10:14.196 took fentermine and a couple other supplements. And the fentermine 0:10:14.196 --> 0:10:17.916 it's basically similar to speed. It's an emphentamine and it 0:10:17.956 --> 0:10:20.996 curbs your appetite. I was Mormon. I'd never even had 0:10:20.996 --> 0:10:22.916 a cup of coffee, so I didn't know that you 0:10:22.956 --> 0:10:25.676 could take something and it would make you act differently. 0:10:26.236 --> 0:10:28.716 And at the time, I was also very religious, so 0:10:28.756 --> 0:10:31.356 I was praying and I was asking for through the 0:10:31.396 --> 0:10:34.996 grace of Jesus, Christ helped me change this aspect of myself. 0:10:35.116 --> 0:10:37.476 And then I'd started taking speed, And so I have 0:10:37.636 --> 0:10:41.036 journals from that time period that are hilarious because the journals, 0:10:41.076 --> 0:10:43.876 I just think it's like the love of Christ is 0:10:43.916 --> 0:10:46.556 helping me. So I'm like, you know, I've never I 0:10:46.596 --> 0:10:49.316 feel like I'm totally possessed by the spirit of God. 0:10:49.516 --> 0:10:53.676 Like I've never motivated, and I'm constantly cleaning. I've never 0:10:53.756 --> 0:10:57.156 been this clean, you know, I'm just like, but in reality, 0:10:57.196 --> 0:11:00.436 I was just like totally on speed. And when I 0:11:00.516 --> 0:11:03.236 lost all of that weight, especially because I lost it 0:11:03.316 --> 0:11:07.156 quite fast, my skin was so so loose. I mean 0:11:07.156 --> 0:11:09.756 it was just like I could take it and pull 0:11:09.796 --> 0:11:12.276 it like six to eight inches off of my body. 0:11:12.356 --> 0:11:14.836 I mean I looked kind of like a melting candle. 0:11:15.476 --> 0:11:19.596 I just had so much extra skin, and you know, 0:11:19.676 --> 0:11:24.156 that was really disappointing actually, because I had thought that 0:11:24.236 --> 0:11:26.756 I would get a do over, that I would finally 0:11:26.796 --> 0:11:30.316 get that body that I had dreamed of, and instead 0:11:30.476 --> 0:11:33.996 I was just covered in loose skin. And so I 0:11:34.116 --> 0:11:38.076 had four surgeries to reconstruct my body. First I did 0:11:38.076 --> 0:11:40.876 a tummy tuck, Then I did a circumferential body lift. 0:11:41.436 --> 0:11:45.076 Then I did implants to fill in kind of the 0:11:45.116 --> 0:11:48.236 empty pockets that my breasts had once been, and then 0:11:48.756 --> 0:11:51.556 they cut up my legs. So now in my body 0:11:51.636 --> 0:11:53.796 I have running up the side of my legs. I 0:11:53.836 --> 0:11:57.796 have these like seams. I have a scar completely back 0:11:57.796 --> 0:12:01.116 to front around my waist like a belt, like as 0:12:01.116 --> 0:12:02.556 if you know, I was cut in half by a 0:12:02.636 --> 0:12:06.996 magician or something, and the process of getting those surgeries, 0:12:07.436 --> 0:12:10.996 I mean it is violent. Just a few days after 0:12:11.036 --> 0:12:13.836 the surgery, I went to go pee and as I 0:12:13.876 --> 0:12:17.036 went to sit down, I split the seam on the 0:12:17.076 --> 0:12:20.956 inside of my crotch and it just gaping hole popped open. 0:12:21.996 --> 0:12:26.956 And I called a friend and was like panicking, and 0:12:27.036 --> 0:12:30.636 she amazingly was like, I'll be there in twenty minutes. 0:12:31.156 --> 0:12:34.556 She showed up with a bottle of white wine and 0:12:34.636 --> 0:12:38.316 valium and gave me a valium. And then the doctor 0:12:38.356 --> 0:12:40.956 had said that you had to push gauze back in, 0:12:41.556 --> 0:12:44.316 like you had to pack the wound with gauze, and 0:12:44.396 --> 0:12:48.476 so she I spread my legs and she packed me up, 0:12:48.516 --> 0:12:52.716 almost like you're putting the stuffing back into a teddy bear. Yeah, 0:12:52.756 --> 0:12:57.996 it was. It was a tremendous, tremendous amount of effort 0:12:59.196 --> 0:13:05.236 to almost try to return myself to a place that 0:13:05.156 --> 0:13:06.916 that that I felt I needed to be in as 0:13:06.956 --> 0:13:11.756 a woman in order to be sexually desirable by a man. 0:13:11.796 --> 0:13:15.116 I mean, that was why I was doing it. I mean, 0:13:16.596 --> 0:13:19.436 I guess you used the best word. The surgery was violent. 0:13:20.036 --> 0:13:23.156 Was there ever a moment when you thought this shit's 0:13:23.196 --> 0:13:26.516 not worth it? I mean, this is so not worth it. 0:13:26.596 --> 0:13:30.716 Like I'm literally having doctors cut me into pieces in 0:13:30.836 --> 0:13:35.316 order to make this happen. Yeah, I mean it's so funny. 0:13:35.596 --> 0:13:42.596 Like I It's like I never stopped to think, you know, 0:13:42.716 --> 0:13:45.196 you don't have to do any of this. You know, 0:13:45.276 --> 0:13:47.556 you don't actually have to do any of this to 0:13:47.676 --> 0:13:52.076 be loved. But it was like suddenly I got to 0:13:52.276 --> 0:13:54.996 play this role I had studied and dreamed of my 0:13:55.036 --> 0:13:57.636 whole life. So it was like a performance piece. I mean, 0:13:57.676 --> 0:14:01.356 like I love getting to watch like how I could 0:14:01.396 --> 0:14:05.756 affect men, you know, like because I'd never affected them before. 0:14:06.356 --> 0:14:10.076 It was delightful. I mean I remember I was walking 0:14:10.116 --> 0:14:13.356 down the street in New York and I passed like 0:14:13.396 --> 0:14:17.076 this very beautiful woman and she kind of looked me 0:14:17.156 --> 0:14:21.156 up and down and like nodded her head. And and 0:14:21.156 --> 0:14:23.636 then I would pass you know, attractive men and attractive women, 0:14:23.636 --> 0:14:25.076 and they would do this thing where they kind of 0:14:25.076 --> 0:14:26.676 look at you a nod and I was like, oh 0:14:26.716 --> 0:14:30.396 my god, there's like a secret club for the attractive 0:14:30.396 --> 0:14:33.676 people and the nod is like their secret handshake, and 0:14:33.876 --> 0:14:36.356 you know, I'm getting like a trial membership or something, 0:14:37.076 --> 0:14:40.276 you know. And I remember being at a deli and 0:14:40.356 --> 0:14:42.716 I had put you know, the items I was planning 0:14:42.716 --> 0:14:46.596 on buying up on the counter and I didn't have 0:14:47.436 --> 0:14:49.716 enough money. I realized, you know, it's like twenty dollars. 0:14:49.796 --> 0:14:51.476 I looked at my pocket, I only had ten. So 0:14:51.516 --> 0:14:53.556 I started kind of looking at the items and I 0:14:53.596 --> 0:14:56.876 was like pulling some down and then the deli guy 0:14:56.956 --> 0:14:59.436 just like shrugged his head and he was like, just 0:14:59.476 --> 0:15:01.996 take it. And I was like what and he was like, 0:15:02.236 --> 0:15:04.156 take it. You're fine, and then he kind of smiled 0:15:04.156 --> 0:15:06.556 at me, like you know, you're a pretty girl. Take it. 0:15:06.916 --> 0:15:09.716 And so I walked out and I was like, wait, 0:15:09.916 --> 0:15:13.516 beautiful people get free stuff, Like how is this real? 0:15:13.716 --> 0:15:16.076 And then I just I wanted to know if that 0:15:16.156 --> 0:15:19.356 was a thing. So I started going to delis and 0:15:19.436 --> 0:15:22.676 I would do like I would do a bit where 0:15:22.716 --> 0:15:24.916 I would put the stuff up, they would, you know, 0:15:24.996 --> 0:15:27.036 give me the price, and I would pretend that I 0:15:27.076 --> 0:15:29.996 didn't have enough money and they would say like, you're good, 0:15:30.236 --> 0:15:33.516 take it. And that was to me. I mean, I 0:15:33.596 --> 0:15:36.796 was like this can't be real, Like you can't get 0:15:36.836 --> 0:15:40.876 this much from just looking differently. And that's where it 0:15:40.876 --> 0:15:44.316 started to shift from like, oh my god, this is 0:15:44.356 --> 0:15:48.556 so fun to feeling a little bit sad or jaded, 0:15:48.596 --> 0:15:51.916 where I was like this is so unfair, like the 0:15:52.036 --> 0:15:55.116 person I was when I was fat, Like I was 0:15:55.556 --> 0:16:00.916 so kind, I think partly because I couldn't just ride 0:16:00.956 --> 0:16:04.356 by on good looks. I was always like trying to 0:16:04.396 --> 0:16:08.276 be helpful, trying to be loving, you know, baking people 0:16:08.316 --> 0:16:11.596 cookies or or whatever, like doing things for people, a 0:16:11.596 --> 0:16:15.196 lot of like acts of service to be a part 0:16:15.236 --> 0:16:17.836 of people's life. And I really do feel like that 0:16:17.876 --> 0:16:22.156 woman deserved the love and attention that this sudden, like 0:16:22.316 --> 0:16:26.076 thin version of me just automatically got without doing anything. 0:16:27.876 --> 0:16:30.436 She realized that new Elma, as she was beginning to 0:16:30.476 --> 0:16:34.196 see herself, knew Elma could pretty much get anything she wanted, 0:16:34.596 --> 0:16:38.636 including boyfriends, something old Elna had only dreamed of. On 0:16:38.636 --> 0:16:41.236 one particular date, knew Ellena and a guy were eating 0:16:41.236 --> 0:16:44.756 frozen yogurt, chatting about calories. I think, you know this 0:16:44.836 --> 0:16:48.396 is gonna sound mean, but I just can't tolerate fat people. 0:16:49.516 --> 0:16:52.636 And I just remember the word choice, like tolerate, you know, 0:16:52.716 --> 0:16:58.356 like people can't tolerate lactose, but like tolerate. And I, 0:16:58.876 --> 0:17:02.476 you know, I wanted to say something, but I also 0:17:02.916 --> 0:17:05.796 wanted to be in the room, Like I wanted to 0:17:05.836 --> 0:17:08.716 be there, and I wanted to be chosen by him, 0:17:08.756 --> 0:17:11.476 and I wanted to just be the pretty girl who 0:17:11.516 --> 0:17:14.876 got the guy. And so I like took his hand 0:17:14.916 --> 0:17:18.396 and I was like, you know, I think a lot 0:17:18.396 --> 0:17:23.316 of people, you know, it's hard for them because you know, 0:17:24.236 --> 0:17:26.636 they're judged based on their appearance and they might actually 0:17:26.716 --> 0:17:29.636 be very good people deep down, and you're not giving 0:17:29.956 --> 0:17:32.516 yourself a chance to see that, you know, not that 0:17:32.556 --> 0:17:35.956 I would know anything about it, you know. Yeah, And 0:17:36.076 --> 0:17:40.436 I regret not actually just standing up and saying what 0:17:40.516 --> 0:17:43.596 I really thought, but at the time, I just I 0:17:43.676 --> 0:17:46.276 didn't want to get kicked out of the club. Is 0:17:46.276 --> 0:17:49.676 that the moment you realized, oh, no, I think knew 0:17:49.716 --> 0:17:54.196 Elna might be a worse person than old Elnah. Definitely, definitely, 0:17:54.276 --> 0:18:01.476 because it was this moment where I I was like, oh, 0:18:01.516 --> 0:18:06.276 this is the trade off, right, Like you can get 0:18:06.316 --> 0:18:10.236 what you want, but you have to give up other 0:18:10.316 --> 0:18:13.156 parts of yourself and how bad do you want this? 0:18:14.196 --> 0:18:18.756 And you know old Elena had been actually like I 0:18:18.876 --> 0:18:21.916 had been this like larger than life person. I mean 0:18:21.996 --> 0:18:26.796 I was like audacious and bold and like I was 0:18:27.756 --> 0:18:31.556 funny and like in some ways, the bigness of my 0:18:31.636 --> 0:18:35.476 body allowed for the bigness of my personality. Knew, Elma, 0:18:36.036 --> 0:18:40.236 I was embarrassed of this person I used to be, like. 0:18:40.316 --> 0:18:45.516 I wanted to erase her from the earth. Yeah, it's 0:18:45.516 --> 0:18:48.596 interesting because the version of thin Elna you saw in 0:18:48.636 --> 0:18:53.796 the fun House mirror that day relied on old illness personality, 0:18:53.996 --> 0:18:56.596 like old Elena's values, right, you saw that freedom in 0:18:56.636 --> 0:19:00.636 her because she still had that mindset that you cherished 0:19:00.676 --> 0:19:05.156 about yourself and childhood, right like outspokenness, irreverence, bold, right, 0:19:05.236 --> 0:19:07.676 willing to speak up. And I guess, yeah, you just 0:19:07.716 --> 0:19:09.636 didn't expect, you you might lose that along the way, 0:19:09.716 --> 0:19:12.716 or that there would be tradeoffs involved. Totally. Yeah, that 0:19:13.036 --> 0:19:19.356 when you change, you know, you you make these compromises 0:19:19.956 --> 0:19:24.316 along the way that you end up losing the core 0:19:24.436 --> 0:19:32.476 thing that you were changing for. We'll be back in 0:19:32.476 --> 0:19:46.196 a moment with a slight change of plans. It took 0:19:46.236 --> 0:19:49.756 Elma Baker four major surgeries and countless diet pills to 0:19:49.876 --> 0:19:52.596 transform herself into the thin woman she saw in the 0:19:52.596 --> 0:19:55.876 fun house mirror back when she was twenty two. By 0:19:55.876 --> 0:19:58.356 the time she was in her thirties, Ellena got married 0:19:58.396 --> 0:20:00.676 and was working as a producer at the radio show 0:20:00.916 --> 0:20:03.956 This American Life, and she decided to do a story 0:20:04.036 --> 0:20:07.996 about her transformation from Old Elna to New Elna. What 0:20:08.076 --> 0:20:11.636 was it like writing this deeply personal story about yourself 0:20:11.636 --> 0:20:14.796 and sharing it with the world. What what about that 0:20:14.876 --> 0:20:21.796 process made you think about yourself differently? I remember saying 0:20:21.836 --> 0:20:25.156 to myself, like, if no one were to read or 0:20:25.276 --> 0:20:28.556 hear or see this, what would I actually say? And 0:20:28.636 --> 0:20:31.516 so that's why in the story I admitted to the 0:20:31.556 --> 0:20:34.956 fact that even though I had lost eight years earlier, 0:20:35.036 --> 0:20:39.556 in order to hold on to the thinness and never 0:20:39.596 --> 0:20:42.236 go back, I had had to basically stay on diet 0:20:42.236 --> 0:20:45.556 pills for fourteen years. Sorry, by diet By diet pills, 0:20:45.556 --> 0:20:48.036 do you means speed yeah, fentermin Yeah, it was on 0:20:48.156 --> 0:20:50.956 fendermine again. And so I, you know, I confessed that. 0:20:51.236 --> 0:20:53.116 And there was also a section of the story where 0:20:53.116 --> 0:20:56.276 I was interviewing my husband and he admitted that he 0:20:56.316 --> 0:20:59.556 wouldn't have loved me or been attracted to me. I 0:20:59.556 --> 0:21:01.156 can't remember exactly what he said. I think it was 0:21:01.236 --> 0:21:03.676 he would never have dated me if I was fat, 0:21:04.556 --> 0:21:08.796 and I secretly knew that deep down, but to have 0:21:08.876 --> 0:21:14.636 it directly affirmed was also just really really painful, really 0:21:14.636 --> 0:21:19.796 really shocking. And so the piece itself. Once that piece aired, 0:21:21.356 --> 0:21:26.476 I had been under such a deadline to finish it 0:21:26.516 --> 0:21:28.676 and put it out in the world that I hadn't 0:21:28.676 --> 0:21:31.396 really stopped to think, like what am I saying about 0:21:31.396 --> 0:21:34.276 myself out loud? I felt like it was important and 0:21:34.316 --> 0:21:37.556 that's why I did it. But Yeah, after that piece 0:21:37.596 --> 0:21:41.156 came out, I felt like I felt a little like 0:21:41.196 --> 0:21:43.516 I showed I had shown my ass to the world. 0:21:43.916 --> 0:21:46.716 Instead of feeling proud, I was a little bit mortified. 0:21:46.996 --> 0:21:50.436 I was like, Oh, no, everyone knows now that I 0:21:50.476 --> 0:21:54.076 have an addiction to diet pills. You know they also 0:21:54.156 --> 0:21:58.436 know that, um, you know that I have a value 0:21:58.436 --> 0:22:02.876 system that's completely out of whack, and you know that 0:22:02.996 --> 0:22:06.276 this marriage that I have is also kind of there's 0:22:06.316 --> 0:22:09.476 something really false or fake about it? Like what do you? 0:22:10.076 --> 0:22:14.676 How do you unsee these things? Because I had, unintentionally, 0:22:14.956 --> 0:22:21.676 by being so honest, I had revealed a secret that 0:22:21.756 --> 0:22:25.796 I had been trying to keep from myself. What was 0:22:25.796 --> 0:22:30.276 that secret? Just that I was really unhappy and that 0:22:30.396 --> 0:22:33.596 I was that this was all kind of a lie, 0:22:34.916 --> 0:22:37.876 you know, and if you just keep going, you just 0:22:37.956 --> 0:22:40.316 keep going, keep going, don't stop, don't think, don't think, 0:22:40.356 --> 0:22:46.196 don't think, you can outrun all of that. But unfortunately 0:22:46.236 --> 0:22:51.356 I had like put a hard stop and I basically said, like, look, 0:22:52.716 --> 0:22:56.436 you can't look away here it is. It's so interesting 0:22:56.436 --> 0:22:59.076 how a piece of art can sometimes do that right 0:22:59.116 --> 0:23:03.156 where for the first time, you're you're reading about this 0:23:03.236 --> 0:23:06.796 person Elna from with the third person perspective in mind, 0:23:07.236 --> 0:23:11.796 and suddenly things become really clear or salient that when 0:23:11.796 --> 0:23:14.036 you had the first person perspective and we're running it 0:23:14.076 --> 0:23:19.316 five hundred miles per hour, you just never had noticed. Yeah, 0:23:19.356 --> 0:23:23.756 I definitely felt like I wasn't intending to make something 0:23:25.596 --> 0:23:30.636 that would be this inconvenient. It was a real wake 0:23:30.716 --> 0:23:33.996 up call for me. So basically I felt like, Okay, 0:23:34.116 --> 0:23:40.036 so I stood on a podium basically and announced to 0:23:40.076 --> 0:23:44.116 the world what my problem was, and now I can't 0:23:45.356 --> 0:23:48.716 not see it and I can't go back like I 0:23:48.756 --> 0:23:52.556 had forced my own hand. Basically, around this time, Ellena 0:23:52.636 --> 0:23:54.516 ran out of diet pills and couldn't find a way 0:23:54.516 --> 0:23:57.316 to get them anymore, so she went looking for an alternative. 0:23:57.596 --> 0:23:58.836 And so I was like, Okay, I'm gonna go to 0:23:58.836 --> 0:24:01.476 a therapist. I'll pretend I have ADHD and I'll just 0:24:01.516 --> 0:24:04.636 get at her all. And so I'd never been to 0:24:04.716 --> 0:24:07.916 therapy in my life ever, and I decided I would 0:24:07.956 --> 0:24:11.516 go mainly just to get adderall. So I go to 0:24:11.556 --> 0:24:14.196 this first therapy session and I'm, you know, pretending that 0:24:14.276 --> 0:24:17.596 I have all the symptoms of someone with ADHD in 0:24:17.676 --> 0:24:20.516 order to get this adderall. But he kept asking these 0:24:20.676 --> 0:24:24.636 these pretty pointed personal questions that we're pushing me to 0:24:24.716 --> 0:24:28.756 reflect on, like, Okay, actually, what is really going on 0:24:28.836 --> 0:24:33.716 with me? And I started to see that therapy was 0:24:33.756 --> 0:24:36.556 a potential option to actually get to the root of 0:24:36.596 --> 0:24:40.276 the problem. And I knew this would be much harder. 0:24:40.316 --> 0:24:42.636 This would be the hard way versus the easy way, 0:24:42.636 --> 0:24:44.796 which would just be to take pills, which is basically 0:24:44.796 --> 0:24:46.836 what I've been doing for I think at that point, 0:24:46.876 --> 0:24:50.316 like over fourteen years of my life. But I also 0:24:50.396 --> 0:24:54.356 knew that like that wasn't sustainable. I didn't want to 0:24:54.356 --> 0:24:57.676