WEBVTT - If You’re Going Through a Breakup, Listen To This 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:02.679 If you or your friend is going through a breakup 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.520 right now, this episode is for you. I want you 0:00:06.559 --> 0:00:10.799 to hear this carefully. Nothing is wrong with you. You're 0:00:10.840 --> 0:00:14.680 not weak for missing them, you're not dramatic for feeling 0:00:14.680 --> 0:00:18.840 this deeply, and you're not failing at love because it hurts. 0:00:19.600 --> 0:00:24.920 What you're experiencing is grief. And most people don't realize this, 0:00:25.480 --> 0:00:29.960 but breakups don't just hurt emotionally. They activate the same 0:00:30.040 --> 0:00:35.680 neural pathways as physical pain and addiction withdrawal. Brain imaging 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:41.040 studies from neuroscientist Helen Fisher showed that romantic rejection activates 0:00:41.080 --> 0:00:45.240 the brain's reward system in the same way substance withdrawal does. 0:00:45.920 --> 0:00:49.040 That's why your thoughts feel obsessive. That's why your body 0:00:49.040 --> 0:00:53.800 feels restless or exhausted. That's why logic doesn't seem to help. 0:00:54.400 --> 0:00:56.319 I'm sure so many of you right now, if you've 0:00:56.320 --> 0:00:59.080 been through a breakup, I'm wondering, why does my brain 0:00:59.160 --> 0:01:02.440 feel foggy? Why can't I just go back to work, 0:01:02.480 --> 0:01:04.920 Why can't I deal with the same conversations like I 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:09.240 was before? And here's the truth. You're not just heartbroken. 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:13.760 Your nervous system is grieving the loss of an attachment. 0:01:14.680 --> 0:01:17.720 So today I want to walk you through the stages 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:21.479 of grief after a breakup, not as a straight line, 0:01:21.959 --> 0:01:25.520 not as something to rush, but as a map. One 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:29.040 of the biggest challenges when you go through a problem, 0:01:29.080 --> 0:01:31.920 a challenge, a difficulty like this, is you don't know 0:01:31.959 --> 0:01:34.440 what the next step looks like. You don't know what 0:01:34.480 --> 0:01:36.959 the next month looks like. Maybe your friends are talking 0:01:36.959 --> 0:01:39.360 to you about dating again, Maybe some other friends are 0:01:39.360 --> 0:01:41.959 talking to you about never dating again. Maybe your ex 0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:45.000 keeps showing up in your life somehow, and it all 0:01:45.080 --> 0:01:47.920 just feels like a mess. I want you to know 0:01:48.560 --> 0:01:52.960 that there are certain phases, certain experience, certain emotions that 0:01:53.000 --> 0:01:55.840 you are going to go through, and because you know 0:01:55.920 --> 0:01:58.800 they're around the corner, because you know they're going to happen, 0:01:59.560 --> 0:02:04.720 you can feel comfortable in the uncertainty. You can take 0:02:04.800 --> 0:02:07.800 this discomfort and you can walk through with a bit 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:11.760 more grace, a bit more ease, and a bit more support, 0:02:12.200 --> 0:02:16.240 mainly so that you can stop judging yourself and start 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:20.680 healing without abandoning yourself. One of the biggest mistakes we 0:02:20.800 --> 0:02:23.840 make during a breakup is we talk down to ourself. 0:02:24.160 --> 0:02:28.000 We're critical of ourselves. We get into blaming, shaming and 0:02:28.080 --> 0:02:31.960 guilting ourselves. It's natural, but I want to help you 0:02:32.040 --> 0:02:35.560 move through it a little more gracefully. Here's the core 0:02:35.639 --> 0:02:40.799 reframe what grief actually is. The stages of grief were 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:46.440 first identified by psychiatrist Elizabeth Koubler Ross while studying patients 0:02:46.639 --> 0:02:51.520 facing terminal illness, but decades of research since then, including 0:02:51.600 --> 0:02:55.639 work and attachment psychology, have shown that these stages also 0:02:55.680 --> 0:03:00.160 applied to any deep emotional loss, including breakups. Because as 0:03:00.200 --> 0:03:03.359 a breakup isn't just the loss of a person, it's 0:03:03.400 --> 0:03:06.799 the loss of a future you imagined. Let me say 0:03:06.800 --> 0:03:11.079 that again. It's the loss of a future you imagined. 0:03:11.760 --> 0:03:14.280 When you're dreaming up a future with someone, when you're 0:03:14.280 --> 0:03:17.080 thinking about your wedding day, when you're thinking about moving 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:20.480 in together, when you're thinking about what that future looks like, 0:03:21.400 --> 0:03:24.720 you now create an attachment to a vision in your mind. 0:03:25.240 --> 0:03:27.600 I know that sounds kind of interesting, but it's true. 0:03:28.160 --> 0:03:32.000 You built up an identity of what you will look like, 0:03:32.360 --> 0:03:34.800 what they will look like, and what your life will 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:39.920 look like. The future you that you imagine together, the 0:03:39.960 --> 0:03:43.560 future you imagined for yourself, is what's being taken away. 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:48.440 You're also grieving daily emotional regulation. Maybe they message you 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:51.640 every day when you woke up, Maybe you call them 0:03:51.640 --> 0:03:53.920 every night before you went to bed. Maybe you saw 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:56.480 them for a day every Friday or Saturday or whatever 0:03:56.520 --> 0:03:59.080 it was. Maybe when you're stressed, they were the person 0:03:59.120 --> 0:04:02.560 you went to. There's a daily emotional regulation that now 0:04:02.600 --> 0:04:05.400 needs to be replaced, and in the beginning, it just 0:04:05.440 --> 0:04:08.320 feels like it's been snatched away. It feels like it's 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:11.240 been taken away. It feels like the rug has been 0:04:11.280 --> 0:04:15.600 pulled from underneath your feet and you're just falling. That 0:04:15.760 --> 0:04:20.000 daily emotional regulation is something you're grieving because it's a 0:04:20.040 --> 0:04:24.160 loss you haven't yet discovered as substitute for see. At 0:04:24.160 --> 0:04:27.960 different stages in our life, different things emotionally regulate us. 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:31.320 When we grow up, it's hopefully our caregivers could be 0:04:31.360 --> 0:04:35.440 our siblings, our friends, But when you're in a romantic relationship, 0:04:35.839 --> 0:04:39.599 there's almost an over reliance in the emotional regulation you 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:44.320 experienced from that person. You're also grieving routines your nervous 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:48.000 system depended on right. Those routines can be anything from 0:04:48.120 --> 0:04:50.919 well this was our favorite show we watched together. That 0:04:51.080 --> 0:04:53.800 was our favorite restaurant we went to. This was the 0:04:53.839 --> 0:04:58.440 place that we first connected. Right, whatever it means. We 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:00.760 have these routines, and what happens is our body and 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:04.560 our biology and our mind get used to these routines. Right. 0:05:04.600 --> 0:05:06.640 We get used to taking the same route to work 0:05:06.720 --> 0:05:09.320 every day. You get used to talking to the same 0:05:09.360 --> 0:05:12.840 person every day, the sound of their voice, their scent, 0:05:13.680 --> 0:05:17.080 their touch, being with them. You are grieving that you're 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:20.120 going through the transition of that. What I want to 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:23.560 tell you is that there will come a day when 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:26.880 you won't feel that way. There will come a day 0:05:27.680 --> 0:05:30.320 when that person may even feel like a stranger. One 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:33.839 day you're ex the person you were most intimate with 0:05:34.920 --> 0:05:38.240 who left you will actually feel like a stranger. I 0:05:38.279 --> 0:05:40.800 know right now. They feel like someone who knows you 0:05:40.880 --> 0:05:45.400 better than anyone, someone that you gave everything to. But 0:05:45.480 --> 0:05:48.479 you only gave them this version of you, and a 0:05:48.560 --> 0:05:52.240 new version of you will arise. What you're grieving is 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:57.120 a version of yourself that existed with them. We think 0:05:57.160 --> 0:06:00.480 we've lost all of ourselves. We think we're completely confused, 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:03.680 we think we've given ourselves away, But the reality is 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:07.400 it was only this version. You have been so many 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:11.080 versions of yourself up until this point in life. You've 0:06:11.080 --> 0:06:13.400 had friends at college that you're no longer connected to. 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:16.560 You had friends in elementary school that you no longer see. 0:06:16.800 --> 0:06:18.720 There was a version of you that lived through all 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:22.640 of that, and you transformed, You evolved, you changed. So 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:27.520 here's the reframe. You're not getting over someone. I really 0:06:27.600 --> 0:06:29.600 don't like that language. When are you going to get 0:06:29.640 --> 0:06:33.000 over them? Why am I not over them yet? You're 0:06:33.080 --> 0:06:38.360 withdrawing from an emotional bond, and withdrawal is not a 0:06:38.440 --> 0:06:43.000 mindset problem. It's a biological process, right. I really want 0:06:43.040 --> 0:06:44.880 you to understand that. Sometimes we think, what's wrong with 0:06:44.880 --> 0:06:47.120 my head? What's wrong in my mind? Why can't I 0:06:47.200 --> 0:06:50.600 just move on from this? And it's biology, it's chemical. 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:56.159 So let's walk through the stages honestly and carefully. If 0:06:56.160 --> 0:06:59.400 you're missing them most at night, it's not because they 0:06:59.400 --> 0:07:03.279 were perfect. It's because your nervous system got used to 0:07:03.360 --> 0:07:07.919 them being there. You're not lonely because they're gone. You 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:12.360 feel lonely because they provided regulation and that can be 0:07:12.480 --> 0:07:17.960 rebuilt slowly without them. Remember this, you're not missing them, 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:21.720 you're missing the future you thought you were building together. 0:07:22.320 --> 0:07:25.840 You're not missing them, you're missing the routine your nervous 0:07:25.880 --> 0:07:29.720 system got used to You're not missing them. You're missing 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:35.080 the way they made the future feel safe. Remember you're 0:07:35.120 --> 0:07:40.200 not missing them. Let's talk about the stages of grief. 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:45.360 The first is shock and denial. I'm pretty sure you 0:07:45.520 --> 0:07:49.240 all know what this feels like. You're probably experiencing it 0:07:49.320 --> 0:07:51.600 right now. There's a part of you that's shocked. How 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:54.200 could you leave me? How could you break up with me? 0:07:54.520 --> 0:07:57.040 I gave so much to this relationship. Wait a minute, 0:07:57.120 --> 0:07:58.560 I should have been the one to give it up. 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:01.320 I worked so hard. God, I put so much energy 0:08:01.360 --> 0:08:04.600 into this, and you walked away. Way, I'm shocked. I 0:08:04.600 --> 0:08:07.920 always thought that you loved me. I thought you told 0:08:07.960 --> 0:08:10.280 me that we had something special. I'm shocked. I thought 0:08:10.320 --> 0:08:11.960 that we were going to spend the rest of our 0:08:12.000 --> 0:08:15.520 lives together. Wait. I'm shocked because I thought if anyone 0:08:15.560 --> 0:08:17.880 was going to leave, it was going to be me. Way, 0:08:17.920 --> 0:08:20.320 I'm shocked because you treated me badly, but you're the 0:08:20.360 --> 0:08:23.680 one leaving me. I'm sure you've said some of these things, 0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:25.880 heard some of these things, felt some of these things. 0:08:26.600 --> 0:08:31.200 The first stage is shocked, often paired with denial. This 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:36.760 can show up as numbness, calmness that feels strange, saying 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:42.240 I'm okay and meaning it temporarily. What's interesting is that 0:08:43.000 --> 0:08:48.240 people think denial means pretending it didn't happen, But psychologically, 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:53.240 denial is your nervous system saying this is too much 0:08:53.480 --> 0:08:58.560 all at once. Sometimes your nervous system won't allow you 0:08:58.720 --> 0:09:01.600 to feel the extent of the pain, to feel the 0:09:01.640 --> 0:09:04.920 extremities of the difficulty, because it would just be all 0:09:04.960 --> 0:09:08.240 too much. So you're somewhat allowing it to just be there. 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:12.480 You're allowing it to just exist, and you're thinking, I'm okay, actually, 0:09:13.160 --> 0:09:16.000 But really it's your emotions just not allowing them to 0:09:16.000 --> 0:09:18.400 come to the surface because your body and brain and 0:09:18.400 --> 0:09:21.800 everything are trying to help you survive. Research shows emotional 0:09:21.840 --> 0:09:27.080 shock temporarily dampens pain to prevent overwhelmed. So if you 0:09:27.160 --> 0:09:33.439 feel disconnected or unreal, that's not avoidance, that's protection. Right. 0:09:33.480 --> 0:09:35.480 A lot of us feel, wait, I should be feeling 0:09:35.480 --> 0:09:38.320 more pain. I should be crying. I can't cry. I 0:09:38.360 --> 0:09:43.000 should be experiencing so much pain, but I'm not. There's 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:45.760 nothing wrong with you. That's how your mind and body 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:49.400 protects itself. It doesn't want you to be overexposed to 0:09:49.480 --> 0:09:52.640 all those emotions and feelings right now, there'll come a 0:09:52.679 --> 0:09:56.000 time when you can actually deal with them properly. Right 0:09:56.200 --> 0:09:58.440 It's almost like saying that if you saw fire, you 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:01.240 would just run from that area. You wouldn't stay in 0:10:01.240 --> 0:10:03.200 that area and try and figure out why it happened, 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:06.360 where it started, what's going wrong. You'd run away, and 0:10:06.360 --> 0:10:08.480 then when the fire cooled down, you'd come back to 0:10:08.600 --> 0:10:12.680 check on what happened. It's protection. So what helps in 0:10:12.720 --> 0:10:15.400 this stage? If you're in this stage right now, here 0:10:15.400 --> 0:10:17.000 are a few things I encourage you to do, no 0:10:17.040 --> 0:10:20.319 matter how hard they are. The first is basic routines. 0:10:21.200 --> 0:10:23.240 After a bit of withdrawal, it's good to get back 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:26.400 to work. It's good to be able to go and 0:10:26.720 --> 0:10:29.080 attend the gym. It's good to be able to see 0:10:29.160 --> 0:10:33.480 friends regularly. The idea of creating routine is healthy because 0:10:33.480 --> 0:10:36.480 what it does is that allows you to forget and 0:10:36.559 --> 0:10:39.800 remove and distance yourself from the routine you had before. 0:10:40.400 --> 0:10:43.600 The next is eating regularly. It's just good biologically just 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:47.760 eating regularly. Sleeping when you can. This one's so important. 0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:51.440 So many people, when they're in shock and denial, avoid sleep. 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:56.400 They can't sleep allowing yourself to rest, giving yourself grace 0:10:56.480 --> 0:11:00.439 for what you've gone through is extremely important. Now, what 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:05.720 hurts you is forcing emotional breakthroughs. You're like, I can't cry, 0:11:05.760 --> 0:11:08.440 I want to cry. I shouldn't be feeling pain. I 0:11:08.480 --> 0:11:12.440 shouldn't be mad, I shouldn't be angry. You shouldn't have 0:11:12.520 --> 0:11:14.960 to be anything. You can experience shock and denial, and 0:11:15.000 --> 0:11:18.000 what you'll find is when you allow yourself to experience it, 0:11:18.200 --> 0:11:20.440 your body and mind will tell you when have you 0:11:20.480 --> 0:11:22.880 noticed time when you have a wound, the first day 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:24.520 you have to attend to it. You might put some 0:11:25.480 --> 0:11:28.480 ointment on it, you might put some essential oils, whatever 0:11:28.520 --> 0:11:33.480 you use, and your body learns to heal itself over time. 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:35.840 You don't have to keep looking at it every day. 0:11:35.920 --> 0:11:37.800 You might put a plaster on it or a bandage 0:11:37.800 --> 0:11:40.520 on the first day, or the band aid, but after 0:11:40.559 --> 0:11:41.880 that you're not looking at it. You don't have to 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:43.800 think about it all the time. You don't have to 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:47.840 force healing. You don't have to force an emotional breakthrough. 0:11:47.880 --> 0:12:11.640 Your body and mind help you along the way. The 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:15.480 other thing that hurts is making life altering decisions. When 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:17.120 someone breaks up with us, we're thinking, wait, a minute. 0:12:17.120 --> 0:12:19.240 Maybe I need to move city. Maybe I need to 0:12:19.280 --> 0:12:21.400 move home. Maybe I need to quit my job and 0:12:21.440 --> 0:12:25.280 pursue my passion. Maybe I need to change my whole life. Like, 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:29.000 we start thinking about these life altering decisions because in 0:12:29.000 --> 0:12:31.000 some way, it's again protection. It makes us feel better. 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.640 We're dealing with something so much bigger. But the chances 0:12:33.679 --> 0:12:38.480 are in that raised emotional dichotomy, it's very hard to 0:12:38.480 --> 0:12:43.520 make good decisions. Your best decisions are not made when 0:12:43.520 --> 0:12:48.360 you're angry. Your best decisions are not made when you're 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:54.280 sad and upset. Your best decisions are not made when 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:57.240 you're not thinking clearly. They're made when you feel a 0:12:57.280 --> 0:13:01.400 little piece, when you feel a little centered and you 0:13:01.520 --> 0:13:05.679 feel a little distance from what caused you pain. Don't 0:13:05.720 --> 0:13:09.800 force yourself to make big decisions after a big challenge. 0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:15.679 Stage two is bargaining and obsession. This is the stage 0:13:15.760 --> 0:13:22.240 people confuse with overthinking or rumination or procrastination, but clinically 0:13:22.520 --> 0:13:29.000 this is bargaining. Your mind replays conversations, rereads messages, imagines 0:13:29.160 --> 0:13:35.920 alternate endings. Why, because the brain is trying to restore attachment. 0:13:36.280 --> 0:13:39.840 Bargaining is like, if I did this, we could have 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:43.040 had this maybe if I didn't say this, I would 0:13:43.080 --> 0:13:47.240 have saved the relationship. Maybe if I acted this way, 0:13:47.320 --> 0:13:51.800 we'd still be together. Maybe if I wasn't so annoying 0:13:51.880 --> 0:13:55.680 and so needy, we'd still be with each other. That's 0:13:55.679 --> 0:13:59.679 what bargaining looks like. You're bargaining, negotiating with yourself, thinking 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:02.920 about all the things you could have done. Studies show 0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:07.440 that after romantic loss, the brain increases rumination as an 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:12.840 unconscious attempt to regain control and proximity. This is where 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:16.000 your thoughts sound like, if I had said that differently, 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:20.200 they'd still be here. Maybe we could still fix this. 0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:24.680 I just need closure, right, So we start bargaining. And 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:27.280 the challenge with this phase is that it feels real. 0:14:27.400 --> 0:14:29.800 It really feels like if you did that one thing, 0:14:30.080 --> 0:14:33.680 they'd still be here, when you know that's not the case, 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:36.200 but you can't access that. Your subconscious can't access that. 0:14:36.240 --> 0:14:39.320 Your subconscious is convincing you that you're absolutely right. If 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:41.440 you did that one thing or didn't do that one thing, 0:14:41.640 --> 0:14:43.960 you'd still be with them. This is probably one of 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:46.920 the toughest stages to get through, and I'm really glad 0:14:46.960 --> 0:14:49.720 that we're talking about it after the first stage because 0:14:49.720 --> 0:14:52.360 it's the stage that can feel the longest. It's the 0:14:52.400 --> 0:14:55.040 stage that can feel the hardest. You tell all your friends, look, 0:14:55.080 --> 0:14:56.320 I really feel I could have made it work. And 0:14:56.360 --> 0:14:59.480 they're looking at you like you're crazy, what's wrong with you? Right? 0:15:00.360 --> 0:15:01.960 Playing it over and over in your head for days, 0:15:01.960 --> 0:15:03.920 you're looking at pictures, you're looking at social media, and 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:06.480 you're thinking, wait a minute, why they're with that person, 0:15:06.640 --> 0:15:09.720 Like I thought they liked me for those reasons. And 0:15:09.760 --> 0:15:13.200 maybe I was just too annoying. Maybe I asked for 0:15:13.240 --> 0:15:16.880 too much, Maybe I needed too much. Here's the truth. 0:15:17.680 --> 0:15:22.960 Closure doesn't come from answers. It comes from accepting the 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:27.560 loss of the bond. Here's what helps here, writing thoughts 0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:31.640 down instead of replaying them. When you replay thoughts in 0:15:31.680 --> 0:15:35.680 your head, they all feel real. When you write down thoughts, 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:39.000 you can actually question them. It's really hard to question 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:41.400 a thought in your head if you're replaying on your head. 0:15:41.640 --> 0:15:43.080 If I did that, they'd still be here, and then 0:15:43.160 --> 0:15:45.360 this would happen. It all makes sense when you write 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:47.160 it down and you read it out to yourself. You 0:15:47.240 --> 0:15:50.000 might even look at it and go, that's bizarre, that's 0:15:50.040 --> 0:15:53.040 absolutely crazy. I can't believe I thought that I want 0:15:53.080 --> 0:15:56.120 you to really ask yourself to write down what you're thinking, 0:15:56.560 --> 0:16:00.120 Write down your most repeated thoughts, read them out to yourself, 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:04.120 and recognize the flaws that they hold. Another thing that 0:16:04.160 --> 0:16:08.400 can help is reducing contact and checking behaviors. A lot 0:16:08.440 --> 0:16:13.000 of the time we're reading old messages, delete them. A 0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:15.520 lot of the time we're looking at their social media profile. 0:16:15.920 --> 0:16:20.200 Block it. It helps to have distance at a time 0:16:20.560 --> 0:16:23.840 when you're thinking about all the things you could have, 0:16:23.920 --> 0:16:26.640 should have, would have done. It's good to have distance, 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:30.880 and it's also healthy to recognize that this is a 0:16:30.920 --> 0:16:33.840 phase you're going to have to go through. You will negotiate, 0:16:34.480 --> 0:16:37.360 but know that your negotiation doesn't mean that it's valid. 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:43.280 It's important to name what's happening. This is withdrawal, because 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:47.440 here's what's really going on. You're not stuck. You're detoxing. 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:52.080 If you keep remembering only the good moments. Remember this, 0:16:52.880 --> 0:16:58.000 Your brain edits memories during loss. It highlights comfort and 0:16:58.120 --> 0:17:02.320 hides pain. Healing big is when you remember the whole truth, 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:07.080 not the highlight reel Again, to protect us, the brain 0:17:07.240 --> 0:17:09.679 just keeps thinking of all the good times, all the 0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:13.200 amazing moments, and so now when you're negotiating when you're ruminating, 0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:16.880 when you're overthinking, when you're bargaining, you're only bargaining based 0:17:16.880 --> 0:17:20.920 on the highlights. You're forgetting everything they did wrong. You're thinking, actually, yeah, 0:17:20.920 --> 0:17:26.040 they did show me flashes of greatness, beauty, attraction, romance, 0:17:26.720 --> 0:17:29.560 And you're forgetting the time they ignored you. You're forgetting 0:17:29.600 --> 0:17:33.080 the time that they weren't emotionally available. When someone breaks 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:35.639 up with you, it's so easy to just remember the 0:17:35.680 --> 0:17:39.560 good times, but you forget the time that they ignored you. 0:17:39.560 --> 0:17:43.040 You forget the time that they weren't emotionally available, You 0:17:43.119 --> 0:17:46.320 forget the time that they put you down in front 0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:49.800 of your friends. Just because your mind only remembers the 0:17:49.840 --> 0:17:53.760 good things doesn't mean that relationship was meant to last. 0:17:54.160 --> 0:17:57.560 Don't get lost in the highlight reel and remember the truth. 0:17:58.160 --> 0:18:05.320 Stage three is anger and protest. Something shifts, anger appears, 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:13.280 Aggression is back, sometimes explosive, sometimes quiet, sometimes delayed. Right, 0:18:13.359 --> 0:18:16.800 I think we think anger is just like this brute force. 0:18:17.560 --> 0:18:22.879 Sometimes anger can be boiling inside. You're quieter, you're scarier. 0:18:23.960 --> 0:18:26.439 Anger is not regression. I think a lot of us 0:18:26.480 --> 0:18:29.560 feel if I'm angry again, I've gone backwards, not realizing 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:31.679 that if you go back to stage one. That's why 0:18:31.760 --> 0:18:35.760 these stages are important. When you go back to stage one, 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:38.320 you never felt angry because you were protecting yourself. So 0:18:38.400 --> 0:18:40.439 that's why when we feel anger later, we go, oh no, no, 0:18:40.480 --> 0:18:42.560 I'm going worse. I'm going in the wrong direction. And 0:18:42.640 --> 0:18:46.119 that's the biggest mistake. We think we're not improving, we 0:18:46.160 --> 0:18:48.800 think we're not evolving, we think we're going backwards because 0:18:48.800 --> 0:18:52.199 we feel angry. But the reality is, your body was 0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:55.320 waiting for you to have space to feel this. Your 0:18:55.320 --> 0:18:58.199 body and mind were waiting to give you permission to 0:18:58.280 --> 0:19:01.960 feel anger in a safe way. Anger is not moving backwards. 0:19:02.560 --> 0:19:08.280 In grief research, anger is understood as self respect returning. 0:19:08.920 --> 0:19:12.080 Let me say that again. In grief research, anger is 0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:18.680 understood as self respect returning. It sounds like that wasn't okay. 0:19:19.200 --> 0:19:21.600 You're finally saying to yourself, Actually, yeah, the way I 0:19:21.640 --> 0:19:25.360 was treated wasn't okay. You're not bargaining anymore. You're actually 0:19:25.400 --> 0:19:30.440 realizing I deserve so much better. I don't want to settle. 0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:32.879 I can't believe I was going to settle for that. 0:19:33.200 --> 0:19:35.679 I can't believe I was accepting less than I deserve. 0:19:36.400 --> 0:19:39.760 You start technowledge I ignored things I shouldn't have, and 0:19:39.840 --> 0:19:41.840 sometimes you get mad at yourself for thinking, wait, why 0:19:41.920 --> 0:19:45.560 was I bargaining right? Why was I actually not mad earlier? 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:48.280 I should have been mad before, And now the mistake 0:19:48.440 --> 0:19:52.080 is I should have been mad before. I'm actually going backwards, 0:19:52.240 --> 0:19:53.840 and I want to give them a peace of my mind. 0:19:54.119 --> 0:19:56.160 This is the point at which most of you want 0:19:56.200 --> 0:19:58.760 to text that person, or pick up the phone to them, 0:19:58.800 --> 0:20:00.200 or get your friend to phone them and have a 0:20:00.280 --> 0:20:03.040 go at them. Right. This is that moment, and you 0:20:03.080 --> 0:20:06.000 want to recognize you're fair to feel your anger, you're 0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:09.000 valid to feel your anger. But it's all happening in 0:20:09.040 --> 0:20:12.159 the right order. It's all happening at the right pace. 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:17.520 It's happening for you. Anger scares people because they think 0:20:17.560 --> 0:20:22.720 it makes them bitter, but research shows healthy anger speeds 0:20:22.800 --> 0:20:27.760 recovery when it's expressed safely. Express safely means you'll share 0:20:27.760 --> 0:20:29.919 it with the therapist, you'll share it with the coach, 0:20:30.119 --> 0:20:31.639 you'll share it with a friend. You're not sharing it 0:20:31.680 --> 0:20:35.320 in a text to that person. I think the biggest 0:20:36.000 --> 0:20:38.640 challenge we have here is we're judging ourselves for being angry. 0:20:38.760 --> 0:20:41.240 We're either thinking I should have been angry earlier, I 0:20:41.240 --> 0:20:43.919 should have been angry at them, or I'm being angry 0:20:43.960 --> 0:20:47.280 now and it's too late. It's not too late. Everything 0:20:47.359 --> 0:20:49.520 is moving in the direction that it needs to. That's 0:20:49.520 --> 0:20:51.359 why I want you to really stay till the end 0:20:51.359 --> 0:20:54.080 of this episode, so that you can hear all the phases, 0:20:55.160 --> 0:20:56.960 so that you're not harsh on yourself when you're going 0:20:57.000 --> 0:20:59.200 through it. It's almost like if you're doing a triathlon. 0:20:59.680 --> 0:21:01.600 You know you're gonna have to run, you know you're 0:21:01.600 --> 0:21:03.159 gonna have to cycle, and you know you're gonna have 0:21:03.200 --> 0:21:06.159 to swim, and you will know the order. But if 0:21:06.200 --> 0:21:08.200 when you're swimming, you're wondering, wait, why am I swimming 0:21:08.280 --> 0:21:09.600 right now? I don't want to be swimming. I should 0:21:09.640 --> 0:21:13.240 be cycling, it doesn't work that way. What helps here 0:21:13.960 --> 0:21:18.920 is movement channeling that anger physically. The other is boundaries, 0:21:18.920 --> 0:21:21.560 setting boundaries as to how you want to communicate with 0:21:21.600 --> 0:21:25.639 that person and how you're gonna avoid communicate with them. 0:21:25.680 --> 0:21:30.080 To be honest, honesty really helps honesty with yourself, honesty 0:21:30.119 --> 0:21:32.720 with others, because up until now you've been bargaining with 0:21:32.760 --> 0:21:38.000 your own honesty. But here's what hurts. Shaming yourself for anger, 0:21:38.800 --> 0:21:43.320 that's what holds you back. Using anger to reattach through conflict. 0:21:43.560 --> 0:21:45.080 On now, I need to connect with them, to tell 0:21:45.119 --> 0:21:50.320 them how I feel. Let anger inform you, not define you. 0:21:51.000 --> 0:21:52.480 This is why I really want you to listen in 0:21:52.520 --> 0:21:54.879 the next phase, because this might be where you're at. 0:21:55.280 --> 0:21:59.480 Stage four is sadness and depression. This is the stage 0:21:59.560 --> 0:22:05.639 most people recognize, the heaviness, the emptiness, the tears that 0:22:05.800 --> 0:22:09.040 arrive without warning. I think a lot of us try 0:22:09.080 --> 0:22:11.480 and speed up to this point. We kind of skip 0:22:11.560 --> 0:22:14.560 the other stuff we're trying and ignore it, and that 0:22:14.600 --> 0:22:17.440 actually makes the stage harder. It's easier when you get 0:22:17.440 --> 0:22:20.280 to stage four having allowed yourself to go through the stages. 0:22:21.119 --> 0:22:26.760 Neuroscience explains why after breakups, levels of dopamine and oxytocin, 0:22:27.160 --> 0:22:31.840 the chemicals linked to pleasure and bonding, drop significantly. So 0:22:31.960 --> 0:22:36.520 this sadness isn't just emotional, it's chemical, and this is 0:22:36.560 --> 0:22:40.280 why motivation disappears. Right. You start to feel like, what's 0:22:40.320 --> 0:22:42.600 the meaning of my life? What's the point am I 0:22:42.720 --> 0:22:46.680 ever going to find love? Joy feels distant. You're thinking, 0:22:46.720 --> 0:22:48.600 I can't remember the last time I was happy. I 0:22:48.640 --> 0:22:50.600 can't remember the last time I loved. I can't remember 0:22:50.600 --> 0:22:54.720 the last time I smiled. Everything feels slower. You think, God, 0:22:54.800 --> 0:22:58.000 I can't believe it's only been a month. And here's 0:22:58.000 --> 0:23:04.360 what matters. Sadness means you're processing reality, not avoiding it, 0:23:05.200 --> 0:23:09.760 and this stage requires rest. It requires you to be 0:23:09.840 --> 0:23:17.520 the kindest, most graceful, most compassionate towards yourself. This is 0:23:17.560 --> 0:23:21.080 the phase that requires friendship. And we've got to avoid 0:23:21.160 --> 0:23:23.280 pushing our friends away in some of these stages because 0:23:23.320 --> 0:23:25.800 sometimes we can take it out on them. You can 0:23:25.840 --> 0:23:27.800 be angry at them for how they're dealing with it 0:23:28.560 --> 0:23:30.439 as opposed to just figuring out how you deal with it. 0:23:30.480 --> 0:23:32.879 And we all do that, it's natural, but friendship is 0:23:32.920 --> 0:23:36.200 so important at this stage when you're going through a breakup. 0:23:36.680 --> 0:23:42.520 Productivity isn't important, a timeline isn't important, Pressure isn't important. 0:23:43.119 --> 0:23:46.600 You don't move on, you move through. And if you're 0:23:46.640 --> 0:23:49.960 scared you'll never love like this again, I want to 0:23:49.960 --> 0:23:55.840 say something to you. You're right, you'll love differently. You 0:23:55.880 --> 0:23:58.440 don't want to fall in love like this again because 0:23:58.440 --> 0:24:00.240 then you'll fall out of love like this again again. 0:24:01.080 --> 0:24:03.960 You want to fall in love differently, with more wisdom, 0:24:04.320 --> 0:24:08.680 more boundaries, more self respect, and that kind of love 0:24:08.960 --> 0:24:12.280 that lasts. So many of us don't allow ourselves to 0:24:12.280 --> 0:24:16.160 move forward because we think what we had is the best, 0:24:16.240 --> 0:24:20.119 the epitome, the greatest version of it, not realizing that 0:24:20.119 --> 0:24:23.480