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Speaker 1: If you or your friend is going through a breakup

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Speaker 1: right now, this episode is for you. I want you

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Speaker 1: to hear this carefully. Nothing is wrong with you. You're

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Speaker 1: not weak for missing them, you're not dramatic for feeling

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Speaker 1: this deeply, and you're not failing at love because it hurts.

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Speaker 1: What you're experiencing is grief. And most people don't realize this,

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Speaker 1: but breakups don't just hurt emotionally. They activate the same

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Speaker 1: neural pathways as physical pain and addiction withdrawal. Brain imaging

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Speaker 1: studies from neuroscientist Helen Fisher showed that romantic rejection activates

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Speaker 1: the brain's reward system in the same way substance withdrawal does.

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Speaker 1: That's why your thoughts feel obsessive. That's why your body

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Speaker 1: feels restless or exhausted. That's why logic doesn't seem to help.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure so many of you right now, if you've

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Speaker 1: been through a breakup, I'm wondering, why does my brain

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Speaker 1: feel foggy? Why can't I just go back to work,

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Speaker 1: Why can't I deal with the same conversations like I

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Speaker 1: was before? And here's the truth. You're not just heartbroken.

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Speaker 1: Your nervous system is grieving the loss of an attachment.

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Speaker 1: So today I want to walk you through the stages

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Speaker 1: of grief after a breakup, not as a straight line,

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Speaker 1: not as something to rush, but as a map. One

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Speaker 1: of the biggest challenges when you go through a problem,

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Speaker 1: a challenge, a difficulty like this, is you don't know

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Speaker 1: what the next step looks like. You don't know what

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Speaker 1: the next month looks like. Maybe your friends are talking

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Speaker 1: to you about dating again, Maybe some other friends are

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Speaker 1: talking to you about never dating again. Maybe your ex

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Speaker 1: keeps showing up in your life somehow, and it all

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Speaker 1: just feels like a mess. I want you to know

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Speaker 1: that there are certain phases, certain experience, certain emotions that

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Speaker 1: you are going to go through, and because you know

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Speaker 1: they're around the corner, because you know they're going to happen,

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Speaker 1: you can feel comfortable in the uncertainty. You can take

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Speaker 1: this discomfort and you can walk through with a bit

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Speaker 1: more grace, a bit more ease, and a bit more support,

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Speaker 1: mainly so that you can stop judging yourself and start

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Speaker 1: healing without abandoning yourself. One of the biggest mistakes we

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Speaker 1: make during a breakup is we talk down to ourself.

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Speaker 1: We're critical of ourselves. We get into blaming, shaming and

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Speaker 1: guilting ourselves. It's natural, but I want to help you

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Speaker 1: move through it a little more gracefully. Here's the core

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Speaker 1: reframe what grief actually is. The stages of grief were

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Speaker 1: first identified by psychiatrist Elizabeth Koubler Ross while studying patients

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Speaker 1: facing terminal illness, but decades of research since then, including

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Speaker 1: work and attachment psychology, have shown that these stages also

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Speaker 1: applied to any deep emotional loss, including breakups. Because as

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Speaker 1: a breakup isn't just the loss of a person, it's

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Speaker 1: the loss of a future you imagined. Let me say

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Speaker 1: that again. It's the loss of a future you imagined.

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Speaker 1: When you're dreaming up a future with someone, when you're

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Speaker 1: thinking about your wedding day, when you're thinking about moving

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Speaker 1: in together, when you're thinking about what that future looks like,

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Speaker 1: you now create an attachment to a vision in your mind.

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Speaker 1: I know that sounds kind of interesting, but it's true.

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Speaker 1: You built up an identity of what you will look like,

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Speaker 1: what they will look like, and what your life will

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Speaker 1: look like. The future you that you imagine together, the

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Speaker 1: future you imagined for yourself, is what's being taken away.

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Speaker 1: You're also grieving daily emotional regulation. Maybe they message you

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Speaker 1: every day when you woke up, Maybe you call them

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Speaker 1: every night before you went to bed. Maybe you saw

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Speaker 1: them for a day every Friday or Saturday or whatever

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Speaker 1: it was. Maybe when you're stressed, they were the person

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Speaker 1: you went to. There's a daily emotional regulation that now

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Speaker 1: needs to be replaced, and in the beginning, it just

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Speaker 1: feels like it's been snatched away. It feels like it's

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Speaker 1: been taken away. It feels like the rug has been

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Speaker 1: pulled from underneath your feet and you're just falling. That

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Speaker 1: daily emotional regulation is something you're grieving because it's a

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Speaker 1: loss you haven't yet discovered as substitute for see. At

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Speaker 1: different stages in our life, different things emotionally regulate us.

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Speaker 1: When we grow up, it's hopefully our caregivers could be

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Speaker 1: our siblings, our friends, But when you're in a romantic relationship,

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Speaker 1: there's almost an over reliance in the emotional regulation you

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Speaker 1: experienced from that person. You're also grieving routines your nervous

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Speaker 1: system depended on right. Those routines can be anything from

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Speaker 1: well this was our favorite show we watched together. That

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Speaker 1: was our favorite restaurant we went to. This was the

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Speaker 1: place that we first connected. Right, whatever it means. We

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Speaker 1: have these routines, and what happens is our body and

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Speaker 1: our biology and our mind get used to these routines. Right.

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Speaker 1: We get used to taking the same route to work

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Speaker 1: every day. You get used to talking to the same

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Speaker 1: person every day, the sound of their voice, their scent,

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Speaker 1: their touch, being with them. You are grieving that you're

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Speaker 1: going through the transition of that. What I want to

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Speaker 1: tell you is that there will come a day when

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Speaker 1: you won't feel that way. There will come a day

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Speaker 1: when that person may even feel like a stranger. One

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Speaker 1: day you're ex the person you were most intimate with

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Speaker 1: who left you will actually feel like a stranger. I

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Speaker 1: know right now. They feel like someone who knows you

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Speaker 1: better than anyone, someone that you gave everything to. But

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Speaker 1: you only gave them this version of you, and a

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Speaker 1: new version of you will arise. What you're grieving is

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Speaker 1: a version of yourself that existed with them. We think

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Speaker 1: we've lost all of ourselves. We think we're completely confused,

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Speaker 1: we think we've given ourselves away, But the reality is

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Speaker 1: it was only this version. You have been so many

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Speaker 1: versions of yourself up until this point in life. You've

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Speaker 1: had friends at college that you're no longer connected to.

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Speaker 1: You had friends in elementary school that you no longer see.

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Speaker 1: There was a version of you that lived through all

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Speaker 1: of that, and you transformed, You evolved, you changed. So

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Speaker 1: here's the reframe. You're not getting over someone. I really

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Speaker 1: don't like that language. When are you going to get

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Speaker 1: over them? Why am I not over them yet? You're

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Speaker 1: withdrawing from an emotional bond, and withdrawal is not a

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Speaker 1: mindset problem. It's a biological process, right. I really want

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Speaker 1: you to understand that. Sometimes we think, what's wrong with

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Speaker 1: my head? What's wrong in my mind? Why can't I

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Speaker 1: just move on from this? And it's biology, it's chemical.

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Speaker 1: So let's walk through the stages honestly and carefully. If

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Speaker 1: you're missing them most at night, it's not because they

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Speaker 1: were perfect. It's because your nervous system got used to

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Speaker 1: them being there. You're not lonely because they're gone. You

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Speaker 1: feel lonely because they provided regulation and that can be

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Speaker 1: rebuilt slowly without them. Remember this, you're not missing them,

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Speaker 1: you're missing the future you thought you were building together.

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Speaker 1: You're not missing them, you're missing the routine your nervous

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Speaker 1: system got used to You're not missing them. You're missing

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Speaker 1: the way they made the future feel safe. Remember you're

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Speaker 1: not missing them. Let's talk about the stages of grief.

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Speaker 1: The first is shock and denial. I'm pretty sure you

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Speaker 1: all know what this feels like. You're probably experiencing it

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Speaker 1: right now. There's a part of you that's shocked. How

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Speaker 1: could you leave me? How could you break up with me?

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Speaker 1: I gave so much to this relationship. Wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: I should have been the one to give it up.

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Speaker 1: I worked so hard. God, I put so much energy

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Speaker 1: into this, and you walked away. Way, I'm shocked. I

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Speaker 1: always thought that you loved me. I thought you told

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Speaker 1: me that we had something special. I'm shocked. I thought

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Speaker 1: that we were going to spend the rest of our

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Speaker 1: lives together. Wait. I'm shocked because I thought if anyone

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Speaker 1: was going to leave, it was going to be me. Way,

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Speaker 1: I'm shocked because you treated me badly, but you're the

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Speaker 1: one leaving me. I'm sure you've said some of these things,

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Speaker 1: heard some of these things, felt some of these things.

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Speaker 1: The first stage is shocked, often paired with denial. This

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Speaker 1: can show up as numbness, calmness that feels strange, saying

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Speaker 1: I'm okay and meaning it temporarily. What's interesting is that

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Speaker 1: people think denial means pretending it didn't happen, But psychologically,

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Speaker 1: denial is your nervous system saying this is too much

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Speaker 1: all at once. Sometimes your nervous system won't allow you

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Speaker 1: to feel the extent of the pain, to feel the

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Speaker 1: extremities of the difficulty, because it would just be all

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Speaker 1: too much. So you're somewhat allowing it to just be there.

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Speaker 1: You're allowing it to just exist, and you're thinking, I'm okay, actually,

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Speaker 1: But really it's your emotions just not allowing them to

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Speaker 1: come to the surface because your body and brain and

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Speaker 1: everything are trying to help you survive. Research shows emotional

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Speaker 1: shock temporarily dampens pain to prevent overwhelmed. So if you

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Speaker 1: feel disconnected or unreal, that's not avoidance, that's protection. Right.

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Speaker 1: A lot of us feel, wait, I should be feeling

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Speaker 1: more pain. I should be crying. I can't cry. I

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Speaker 1: should be experiencing so much pain, but I'm not. There's

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Speaker 1: nothing wrong with you. That's how your mind and body

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Speaker 1: protects itself. It doesn't want you to be overexposed to

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Speaker 1: all those emotions and feelings right now, there'll come a

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Speaker 1: time when you can actually deal with them properly. Right

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Speaker 1: It's almost like saying that if you saw fire, you

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Speaker 1: would just run from that area. You wouldn't stay in

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Speaker 1: that area and try and figure out why it happened,

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Speaker 1: where it started, what's going wrong. You'd run away, and

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Speaker 1: then when the fire cooled down, you'd come back to

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Speaker 1: check on what happened. It's protection. So what helps in

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Speaker 1: this stage? If you're in this stage right now, here

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Speaker 1: are a few things I encourage you to do, no

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Speaker 1: matter how hard they are. The first is basic routines.

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Speaker 1: After a bit of withdrawal, it's good to get back

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Speaker 1: to work. It's good to be able to go and

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Speaker 1: attend the gym. It's good to be able to see

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Speaker 1: friends regularly. The idea of creating routine is healthy because

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Speaker 1: what it does is that allows you to forget and

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Speaker 1: remove and distance yourself from the routine you had before.

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Speaker 1: The next is eating regularly. It's just good biologically just

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Speaker 1: eating regularly. Sleeping when you can. This one's so important.

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Speaker 1: So many people, when they're in shock and denial, avoid sleep.

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Speaker 1: They can't sleep allowing yourself to rest, giving yourself grace

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Speaker 1: for what you've gone through is extremely important. Now, what

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Speaker 1: hurts you is forcing emotional breakthroughs. You're like, I can't cry,

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Speaker 1: I want to cry. I shouldn't be feeling pain. I

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Speaker 1: shouldn't be mad, I shouldn't be angry. You shouldn't have

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Speaker 1: to be anything. You can experience shock and denial, and

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Speaker 1: what you'll find is when you allow yourself to experience it,

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Speaker 1: your body and mind will tell you when have you

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Speaker 1: noticed time when you have a wound, the first day

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Speaker 1: you have to attend to it. You might put some

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Speaker 1: ointment on it, you might put some essential oils, whatever

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Speaker 1: you use, and your body learns to heal itself over time.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to keep looking at it every day.

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Speaker 1: You might put a plaster on it or a bandage

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Speaker 1: on the first day, or the band aid, but after

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Speaker 1: that you're not looking at it. You don't have to

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Speaker 1: think about it all the time. You don't have to

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Speaker 1: force healing. You don't have to force an emotional breakthrough.

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Speaker 1: Your body and mind help you along the way. The

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Speaker 1: other thing that hurts is making life altering decisions. When

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Speaker 1: someone breaks up with us, we're thinking, wait, a minute.

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Speaker 1: Maybe I need to move city. Maybe I need to

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Speaker 1: move home. Maybe I need to quit my job and

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Speaker 1: pursue my passion. Maybe I need to change my whole life. Like,

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Speaker 1: we start thinking about these life altering decisions because in

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Speaker 1: some way, it's again protection. It makes us feel better.

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Speaker 1: We're dealing with something so much bigger. But the chances

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Speaker 1: are in that raised emotional dichotomy, it's very hard to

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Speaker 1: make good decisions. Your best decisions are not made when

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Speaker 1: you're angry. Your best decisions are not made when you're

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Speaker 1: sad and upset. Your best decisions are not made when

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Speaker 1: you're not thinking clearly. They're made when you feel a

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Speaker 1: little piece, when you feel a little centered and you

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Speaker 1: feel a little distance from what caused you pain. Don't

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Speaker 1: force yourself to make big decisions after a big challenge.

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Speaker 1: Stage two is bargaining and obsession. This is the stage

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Speaker 1: people confuse with overthinking or rumination or procrastination, but clinically

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Speaker 1: this is bargaining. Your mind replays conversations, rereads messages, imagines

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Speaker 1: alternate endings. Why, because the brain is trying to restore attachment.

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Speaker 1: Bargaining is like, if I did this, we could have

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Speaker 1: had this maybe if I didn't say this, I would

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Speaker 1: have saved the relationship. Maybe if I acted this way,

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Speaker 1: we'd still be together. Maybe if I wasn't so annoying

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Speaker 1: and so needy, we'd still be with each other. That's

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Speaker 1: what bargaining looks like. You're bargaining, negotiating with yourself, thinking

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Speaker 1: about all the things you could have done. Studies show

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Speaker 1: that after romantic loss, the brain increases rumination as an

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Speaker 1: unconscious attempt to regain control and proximity. This is where

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Speaker 1: your thoughts sound like, if I had said that differently,

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Speaker 1: they'd still be here. Maybe we could still fix this.

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Speaker 1: I just need closure, right, So we start bargaining. And

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Speaker 1: the challenge with this phase is that it feels real.

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Speaker 1: It really feels like if you did that one thing,

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Speaker 1: they'd still be here, when you know that's not the case,

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Speaker 1: but you can't access that. Your subconscious can't access that.

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Speaker 1: Your subconscious is convincing you that you're absolutely right. If

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Speaker 1: you did that one thing or didn't do that one thing,

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Speaker 1: you'd still be with them. This is probably one of

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Speaker 1: the toughest stages to get through, and I'm really glad

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Speaker 1: that we're talking about it after the first stage because

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Speaker 1: it's the stage that can feel the longest. It's the

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Speaker 1: stage that can feel the hardest. You tell all your friends, look,

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Speaker 1: I really feel I could have made it work. And

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Speaker 1: they're looking at you like you're crazy, what's wrong with you? Right?

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Speaker 1: Playing it over and over in your head for days,

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Speaker 1: you're looking at pictures, you're looking at social media, and

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Speaker 1: you're thinking, wait a minute, why they're with that person,

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Speaker 1: Like I thought they liked me for those reasons. And

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Speaker 1: maybe I was just too annoying. Maybe I asked for

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Speaker 1: too much, Maybe I needed too much. Here's the truth.

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Speaker 1: Closure doesn't come from answers. It comes from accepting the

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Speaker 1: loss of the bond. Here's what helps here, writing thoughts

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Speaker 1: down instead of replaying them. When you replay thoughts in

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Speaker 1: your head, they all feel real. When you write down thoughts,

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Speaker 1: you can actually question them. It's really hard to question

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Speaker 1: a thought in your head if you're replaying on your head.

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Speaker 1: If I did that, they'd still be here, and then

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Speaker 1: this would happen. It all makes sense when you write

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Speaker 1: it down and you read it out to yourself. You

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Speaker 1: might even look at it and go, that's bizarre, that's

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Speaker 1: absolutely crazy. I can't believe I thought that I want

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Speaker 1: you to really ask yourself to write down what you're thinking,

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Speaker 1: Write down your most repeated thoughts, read them out to yourself,

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Speaker 1: and recognize the flaws that they hold. Another thing that

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Speaker 1: can help is reducing contact and checking behaviors. A lot

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Speaker 1: of the time we're reading old messages, delete them. A

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Speaker 1: lot of the time we're looking at their social media profile.

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Speaker 1: Block it. It helps to have distance at a time

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Speaker 1: when you're thinking about all the things you could have,

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Speaker 1: should have, would have done. It's good to have distance,

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Speaker 1: and it's also healthy to recognize that this is a

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Speaker 1: phase you're going to have to go through. You will negotiate,

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Speaker 1: but know that your negotiation doesn't mean that it's valid.

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Speaker 1: It's important to name what's happening. This is withdrawal, because

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Speaker 1: here's what's really going on. You're not stuck. You're detoxing.

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Speaker 1: If you keep remembering only the good moments. Remember this,

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Speaker 1: Your brain edits memories during loss. It highlights comfort and

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Speaker 1: hides pain. Healing big is when you remember the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: not the highlight reel Again, to protect us, the brain

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Speaker 1: just keeps thinking of all the good times, all the

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Speaker 1: amazing moments, and so now when you're negotiating when you're ruminating,

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Speaker 1: when you're overthinking, when you're bargaining, you're only bargaining based

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Speaker 1: on the highlights. You're forgetting everything they did wrong. You're thinking, actually, yeah,

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Speaker 1: they did show me flashes of greatness, beauty, attraction, romance,

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Speaker 1: And you're forgetting the time they ignored you. You're forgetting

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Speaker 1: the time that they weren't emotionally available. When someone breaks

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Speaker 1: up with you, it's so easy to just remember the

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Speaker 1: good times, but you forget the time that they ignored you.

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Speaker 1: You forget the time that they weren't emotionally available, You

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Speaker 1: forget the time that they put you down in front

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Speaker 1: of your friends. Just because your mind only remembers the

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Speaker 1: good things doesn't mean that relationship was meant to last.

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Speaker 1: Don't get lost in the highlight reel and remember the truth.

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Speaker 1: Stage three is anger and protest. Something shifts, anger appears,

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Speaker 1: Aggression is back, sometimes explosive, sometimes quiet, sometimes delayed. Right,

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Speaker 1: I think we think anger is just like this brute force.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes anger can be boiling inside. You're quieter, you're scarier.

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Speaker 1: Anger is not regression. I think a lot of us

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Speaker 1: feel if I'm angry again, I've gone backwards, not realizing

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Speaker 1: that if you go back to stage one. That's why

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Speaker 1: these stages are important. When you go back to stage one,

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Speaker 1: you never felt angry because you were protecting yourself. So

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Speaker 1: that's why when we feel anger later, we go, oh no, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm going worse. I'm going in the wrong direction. And

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Speaker 1: that's the biggest mistake. We think we're not improving, we

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Speaker 1: think we're not evolving, we think we're going backwards because

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Speaker 1: we feel angry. But the reality is, your body was

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Speaker 1: waiting for you to have space to feel this. Your

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Speaker 1: body and mind were waiting to give you permission to

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Speaker 1: feel anger in a safe way. Anger is not moving backwards.

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Speaker 1: In grief research, anger is understood as self respect returning.

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Speaker 1: Let me say that again. In grief research, anger is

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Speaker 1: understood as self respect returning. It sounds like that wasn't okay.

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Speaker 1: You're finally saying to yourself, Actually, yeah, the way I

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Speaker 1: was treated wasn't okay. You're not bargaining anymore. You're actually

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Speaker 1: realizing I deserve so much better. I don't want to settle.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe I was going to settle for that.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe I was accepting less than I deserve.

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Speaker 1: You start technowledge I ignored things I shouldn't have, and

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Speaker 1: sometimes you get mad at yourself for thinking, wait, why

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Speaker 1: was I bargaining right? Why was I actually not mad earlier?

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Speaker 1: I should have been mad before, And now the mistake

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Speaker 1: is I should have been mad before. I'm actually going backwards,

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Speaker 1: and I want to give them a peace of my mind.

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Speaker 1: This is the point at which most of you want

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Speaker 1: to text that person, or pick up the phone to them,

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Speaker 1: or get your friend to phone them and have a

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Speaker 1: go at them. Right. This is that moment, and you

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Speaker 1: want to recognize you're fair to feel your anger, you're

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Speaker 1: valid to feel your anger. But it's all happening in

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Speaker 1: the right order. It's all happening at the right pace.

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Speaker 1: It's happening for you. Anger scares people because they think

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Speaker 1: it makes them bitter, but research shows healthy anger speeds

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Speaker 1: recovery when it's expressed safely. Express safely means you'll share

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Speaker 1: it with the therapist, you'll share it with the coach,

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Speaker 1: you'll share it with a friend. You're not sharing it

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Speaker 1: in a text to that person. I think the biggest

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Speaker 1: challenge we have here is we're judging ourselves for being angry.

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Speaker 1: We're either thinking I should have been angry earlier, I

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Speaker 1: should have been angry at them, or I'm being angry

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Speaker 1: now and it's too late. It's not too late. Everything

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Speaker 1: is moving in the direction that it needs to. That's

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Speaker 1: why I want you to really stay till the end

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Speaker 1: of this episode, so that you can hear all the phases,

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Speaker 1: so that you're not harsh on yourself when you're going

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Speaker 1: through it. It's almost like if you're doing a triathlon.

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Speaker 1: You know you're gonna have to run, you know you're

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Speaker 1: gonna have to cycle, and you know you're gonna have

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Speaker 1: to swim, and you will know the order. But if

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Speaker 1: when you're swimming, you're wondering, wait, why am I swimming

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Speaker 1: right now? I don't want to be swimming. I should

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Speaker 1: be cycling, it doesn't work that way. What helps here

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Speaker 1: is movement channeling that anger physically. The other is boundaries,

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Speaker 1: setting boundaries as to how you want to communicate with

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Speaker 1: that person and how you're gonna avoid communicate with them.

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Speaker 1: To be honest, honesty really helps honesty with yourself, honesty

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Speaker 1: with others, because up until now you've been bargaining with

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Speaker 1: your own honesty. But here's what hurts. Shaming yourself for anger,

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Speaker 1: that's what holds you back. Using anger to reattach through conflict.

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Speaker 1: On now, I need to connect with them, to tell

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Speaker 1: them how I feel. Let anger inform you, not define you.

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Speaker 1: This is why I really want you to listen in

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Speaker 1: the next phase, because this might be where you're at.

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Speaker 1: Stage four is sadness and depression. This is the stage

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Speaker 1: most people recognize, the heaviness, the emptiness, the tears that

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Speaker 1: arrive without warning. I think a lot of us try

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Speaker 1: and speed up to this point. We kind of skip

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Speaker 1: the other stuff we're trying and ignore it, and that

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Speaker 1: actually makes the stage harder. It's easier when you get

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Speaker 1: to stage four having allowed yourself to go through the stages.

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Speaker 1: Neuroscience explains why after breakups, levels of dopamine and oxytocin,

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Speaker 1: the chemicals linked to pleasure and bonding, drop significantly. So

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Speaker 1: this sadness isn't just emotional, it's chemical, and this is

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Speaker 1: why motivation disappears. Right. You start to feel like, what's

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Speaker 1: the meaning of my life? What's the point am I

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Speaker 1: ever going to find love? Joy feels distant. You're thinking,

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Speaker 1: I can't remember the last time I was happy. I

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Speaker 1: can't remember the last time I loved. I can't remember

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Speaker 1: the last time I smiled. Everything feels slower. You think, God,

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Speaker 1: I can't believe it's only been a month. And here's

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Speaker 1: what matters. Sadness means you're processing reality, not avoiding it,

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Speaker 1: and this stage requires rest. It requires you to be

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Speaker 1: the kindest, most graceful, most compassionate towards yourself. This is

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Speaker 1: the phase that requires friendship. And we've got to avoid

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Speaker 1: pushing our friends away in some of these stages because

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Speaker 1: sometimes we can take it out on them. You can

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Speaker 1: be angry at them for how they're dealing with it

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Speaker 1: as opposed to just figuring out how you deal with it.

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Speaker 1: And we all do that, it's natural, but friendship is

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Speaker 1: so important at this stage when you're going through a breakup.

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Speaker 1: Productivity isn't important, a timeline isn't important, Pressure isn't important.

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Speaker 1: You don't move on, you move through. And if you're

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Speaker 1: scared you'll never love like this again, I want to

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Speaker 1: say something to you. You're right, you'll love differently. You

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Speaker 1: don't want to fall in love like this again because

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Speaker 1: then you'll fall out of love like this again again.

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Speaker 1: You want to fall in love differently, with more wisdom,

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Speaker 1: more boundaries, more self respect, and that kind of love

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Speaker 1: that lasts. So many of us don't allow ourselves to

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Speaker 1: move forward because we think what we had is the best,

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Speaker 1: the epitome, the greatest version of it, not realizing that

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Speaker 1: everyone who has come before us has found love that

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Speaker 1: was better, different than an upgrade. Stage five is acceptance

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Speaker 1: and meaning. Acceptance doesn't mean you approve of what happened.

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00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:40,359
Speaker 1: It means you stop fighting reality. This stage is called

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Speaker 1: meaning making in modern grief psychology. This is where you

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Speaker 1: begin asking what did this teach me? So it's so interesting,

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Speaker 1: isn't it. When you go through a breakup. You might

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Speaker 1: even have a friend who says to you, what did

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Speaker 1: you learn from this? This is stage five, not stage one.

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Speaker 1: When you're going through pain, you don't have to learn

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Speaker 1: from it in in that moment. You learn from it

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Speaker 1: when you're reflecting. Ray Darlia once said to me, pain

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Speaker 1: plus reflection equals progress. But when you do that, reflection

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Speaker 1: is so important, you'll get to it. At some point.

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Speaker 1: You can be grateful for what was left after what

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Speaker 1: happened to you. When you have some distance, you can

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Speaker 1: start asking questions like what did this teach me what

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Speaker 1: do I want to do differently moving forward? Who am

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Speaker 1: I becoming now? Sometimes people say, just get busy in

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Speaker 1: your hobbies and your passions and interests. You can't really

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Speaker 1: think about that till stage five. Research shows people who

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Speaker 1: integrate meaning after loss experience post traumatic growth, not just recovery.

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Speaker 1: Notice the difference. You don't just want to recover, you

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Speaker 1: want to grow. This is where your identity stabilizes. This

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Speaker 1: is where self trust returns. This is where the past

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Speaker 1: stops defining the present. Here's the reframe. Healing doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: it didn't hurt. Healing means it didn't destroy you. Healing

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean it didn't affect your self confidence. Healing means

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Speaker 1: it helped you build self respect. Healing doesn't mean you

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Speaker 1: didn't have boundaries. Healing means you'll have better ones next time.

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Speaker 1: Here's what actually helps across all stages. Research consistently shows

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Speaker 1: these things help. No contact or low contact speeds emotional recovery.

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Speaker 1: Routine calms the nervous system, talking without rehearsing the story.

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Speaker 1: That's processing versus just replaying and resisting idealization. Memory is

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Speaker 1: always biased toward the good times, and this is crucial.

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Speaker 1: You don't heal by erasing the love. You heal by

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Speaker 1: releasing the attachment. You don't heal by blocking the other person.

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Speaker 1: You heal by setting the right boundaries. You don't heal

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Speaker 1: by pushing yourself through. You heal by processing each stage

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Speaker 1: as it comes. If you're going through a breakup, it's

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Speaker 1: proved you loved deeply. One day. This won't be the

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Speaker 1: center of your life. It will be a chapter, a teacher,

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Speaker 1: a turning point, and the way you treat yourself now

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00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:33,560
Speaker 1: will shape the love you experience next. Stay with yourself.

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Speaker 1: This ending is not the end of you. Remember on

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Speaker 1: forever in your corner. I'm always rooting for you. I

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Speaker 1: hope you'll pass this on to someone else who's gone

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00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,080
Speaker 1: through a breakup or a difficult time, no matter what

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00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:49,160
Speaker 1: stays they're in or phase their in, and I hope

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00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,760
Speaker 1: this helps them through. Thank you for listening and watching.

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Speaker 1: Make sure you subscribe to never miss an episode. I'll

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Speaker 1: see you on the next one. If you love this episode,

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00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:00,560
Speaker 1: you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on

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Speaker 1: how to get over your ex and find true love

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Speaker 1: in your relationships. Make a list of the things that

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Speaker 1: are truly important for you to find in a partner,

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Speaker 1: and then be that list