1 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:37,199 Speaker 1: Take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it now, 2 00:00:37,280 --> 00:01:02,800 Speaker 1: release slowly again deep in, helle hold release, repeating internally 3 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:09,840 Speaker 1: to yourself as you connect to my voice. I am deeply, 4 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:24,119 Speaker 1: deeply well. I I am deeply, deeply well. I am 5 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:33,480 Speaker 1: deeply wow. I'm Debbie Brown and this is the Deeply 6 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 1: Well Podcast. Welcome to Deeply Well, a soft place to 7 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:48,120 Speaker 1: land in your journey, A podcast for those that are curious, creative, 8 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:52,720 Speaker 1: ready to expand in higher consciousness and self care. I'm 9 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 1: Debbie Brown. This is where we heal, this is where 10 00:01:56,080 --> 00:02:00,560 Speaker 1: we become. Welcome to today's show. So I have to 11 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,960 Speaker 1: center this by saying that my dear sister Angela Rai 12 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:08,040 Speaker 1: has been raving about this guest, and right before we 13 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:12,680 Speaker 1: synchronistically booked to come together, she said, I have to 14 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:17,760 Speaker 1: introduce you to this person, and the very next day 15 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:23,400 Speaker 1: we were able to serendipitously connect and get scheduled for 16 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,760 Speaker 1: this show. So I'm so excited today to dive into 17 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 1: the work of this very special guest, Elliott Connie. Elliott 18 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:35,560 Speaker 1: Connie is a psychotherapist, author, lecture and hope dealer. Elliott's 19 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 1: belief in human resilience is what caused him to fall 20 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,240 Speaker 1: in love with the solution focused brief therapy and learn 21 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,920 Speaker 1: the ins and outs of this approach. He has worked 22 00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:48,200 Speaker 1: alongside some of the most prominent figures in the SFBT 23 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,760 Speaker 1: solution focus brief therapy. Field has lectured all over the 24 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:56,920 Speaker 1: US as well as internationally in places like the United Kingdom, Russia, India, 25 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:00,359 Speaker 1: and Australia, and has written four books on this solution 26 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:04,640 Speaker 1: focused method. Elliott's mission is to inspire you and light 27 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:09,000 Speaker 1: the fire and passion that solution focus brief therapy lit 28 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:12,400 Speaker 1: in him, so that you two can help transform the 29 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,840 Speaker 1: lives of others. Welcome to the show. 30 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:17,120 Speaker 2: Thanks for having me. 31 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,200 Speaker 1: I'm so happy you're here. I love all the clips 32 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,960 Speaker 1: that I see of you online, and I think you 33 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:28,280 Speaker 1: know what feels so special, And we're going to dive 34 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 1: into all your takes on this. But the mental health revolution, 35 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 1: we are in the decade of that in a way 36 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,480 Speaker 1: that has never happened in human history before. But with 37 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,960 Speaker 1: it is all the layers of nuance, right, It's not 38 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,480 Speaker 1: this monolithic experience, and we have to find the ways 39 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 1: that are so unique to us that allow us to 40 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 1: heal and transform. But most especially I believe within black 41 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:54,360 Speaker 1: and brown communities that face entirely different complex lived experiences. 42 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 1: With all of that being said, I'm so excited to 43 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:02,640 Speaker 1: dive into this method that very honestly I know so 44 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:03,520 Speaker 1: little about. 45 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,160 Speaker 2: Wow. Okay, can you. 46 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:11,240 Speaker 1: Please, I mean share with this. What is SFBT. 47 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,600 Speaker 2: Gosh Solution focused brief therapy is a way of doing 48 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 2: psychotherapy that is driven by what the clients hoped for 49 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:23,800 Speaker 2: future is as opposed to what their problem orientation is. 50 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:29,320 Speaker 2: So like, the single most common question that a help 51 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:34,080 Speaker 2: or a psychotherapist, coach, whatever will ask a client upon 52 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,120 Speaker 2: meeting them is you know what? 53 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:36,320 Speaker 1: It is? 54 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:39,279 Speaker 2: The most common question you would ask when you meet. 55 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,240 Speaker 1: Someone, how do you fix me? I don't know? 56 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,560 Speaker 2: Is what the professional would ask is what brings you here? 57 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:45,839 Speaker 1: Oh? 58 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,080 Speaker 2: Yes, right? What brings you here? And they're looking for 59 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,520 Speaker 2: some sort of a problem answer anxiety, depression, you know, grief, whatever, 60 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,640 Speaker 2: But someone using this approach would not ask that. We're 61 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,479 Speaker 2: much more interested in where do you want to go 62 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:01,240 Speaker 2: from here? So we immediately start our work by asking 63 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:06,159 Speaker 2: about people's hoped for futures because to some degree, where 64 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:12,240 Speaker 2: they've been is completely irrelevant to where they're going. Like, 65 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:18,200 Speaker 2: there's this wonderful thing like anyone can get anywhere from anywhere, 66 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,080 Speaker 2: and we've kind of taught ourselves that in order to 67 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,680 Speaker 2: help you go where you're going, I got to know 68 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 2: where you've been. And that's one hundred percent not true. 69 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,080 Speaker 2: That's just as silly as if you got into a 70 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,640 Speaker 2: taxi cab and the cab driver said, where have you been, 71 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:33,520 Speaker 2: as if that would somehow help them get you to 72 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,640 Speaker 2: where you're going. And I think solution focused brief therapy 73 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,279 Speaker 2: just kind of honors that idea that anyone can get 74 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,200 Speaker 2: anywhere from anywhere. 75 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,039 Speaker 1: That is fascinating. 76 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,280 Speaker 2: I thought so too when I first learned about it. 77 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,839 Speaker 1: So kind of what I'm hearing in what you're saying 78 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,360 Speaker 1: is that part of the approach is almost like reverse 79 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,480 Speaker 1: engineering you because if we're thinking about where we want 80 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,840 Speaker 1: to go, do we have to then figure out what's 81 00:05:57,839 --> 00:05:59,840 Speaker 1: in the way of us getting there? Or how do 82 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: you begin to engineer that experience? 83 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:05,359 Speaker 2: No, I think when you talk about things that you 84 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:10,320 Speaker 2: really hope for, things that you like deeply and really desire, 85 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:14,040 Speaker 2: you will actually figure out a way over the obstacle. 86 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:18,839 Speaker 2: Like we don't have to like plan for it and 87 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,839 Speaker 2: like develop a schedule on how we're going to handle 88 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:25,000 Speaker 2: the things when there's something that you like, really want, 89 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,719 Speaker 2: Like think about the things in your life that you like, 90 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 2: really wanted. When an obstacle comes up, you just naturally 91 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 2: trigger your own strength and resilience and overcome that obstacle. 92 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:37,360 Speaker 1: Absolutely. 93 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,880 Speaker 2: The problem is when we are in trouble, like emotional 94 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:47,000 Speaker 2: trouble again, like anxious, depressed, sad, whatever, we don't view 95 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:52,640 Speaker 2: ourselves as resilient, strong overcomers. We don't view ourselves that way. 96 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,599 Speaker 2: So then when we're in that state of mind and 97 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,760 Speaker 2: a problem pops up, we actually give too much respect 98 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:01,719 Speaker 2: to the problem and less respect ourselves. And I think 99 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:05,200 Speaker 2: solution folks group therapy just reverses that because human beings, 100 00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:09,680 Speaker 2: every single human being on the planet, is a natural overcomer. 101 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:13,400 Speaker 2: It's what we do, or you would never be who 102 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 2: and what you are, right, you would never make it 103 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,160 Speaker 2: to forty years old, thirty years or whatever. You've overcome 104 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,800 Speaker 2: so many challenges, but most of us just forgot it 105 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,320 Speaker 2: along the way and we got overcome with problems or whatever. 106 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:27,920 Speaker 2: It was my work. I want to inspire people. I 107 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,400 Speaker 2: think a lot of times therapists get kind of sucked 108 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:33,680 Speaker 2: into the idea of problem and that turns them into 109 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,440 Speaker 2: a problem solver. And I don't want to be a 110 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,280 Speaker 2: problem solver. I want to be a herd healer. I 111 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 2: want to be an inspirer of people, because an inspired 112 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 2: person is just accomplish, capable of accomplishing absolutely anything. I 113 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:51,520 Speaker 2: believe in people so much that I genuinely believe like 114 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 2: my job is to inspire them and then get out 115 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,240 Speaker 2: of their way, as an inspired person is capable of 116 00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:57,840 Speaker 2: unbelievable things. 117 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,320 Speaker 1: This is so interesting. 118 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 2: We won't be talking like five minutes. 119 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:08,160 Speaker 1: I mean, my god, where will we go next? So? 120 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:12,680 Speaker 1: How so this particular system of therapy is this? Is 121 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:16,320 Speaker 1: this a system that could help people that have like 122 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 1: big T trauma in their lives? 123 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:22,000 Speaker 2: Absolutely? I mean the way I even heard about this 124 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,440 Speaker 2: was because of the Trump. Like, so, to give you 125 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,920 Speaker 2: a bit of a backstory, I was raised by a 126 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:35,000 Speaker 2: very aggressive, very abusive, very emotionally unsafe father. My mother 127 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:38,280 Speaker 2: is wonderful. I love my mother, but like she couldn't 128 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 2: even really parent because she was in protection mode that 129 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,160 Speaker 2: whole time for me and my two brothers, and I 130 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 2: spent a large amount of my life anxious, depressed, and 131 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,840 Speaker 2: quite frankly wanting to die. The best way I can 132 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,199 Speaker 2: describe that state of mind to people was like I 133 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,880 Speaker 2: looked around the world and I saw other people had 134 00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,520 Speaker 2: the white picket fence and the loving parents. Really, my 135 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:03,480 Speaker 2: best friend across the street, we would play basketball in 136 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,079 Speaker 2: his yard and his mom would literally carry a tray 137 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:11,440 Speaker 2: of lemonade and bring it to us playing basketball, and 138 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,439 Speaker 2: I'd be like, I don't, that's not what I have. 139 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,959 Speaker 2: And if this is what I got and that's what 140 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,160 Speaker 2: y'all got, like I just want to give this back, right, 141 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 2: That's the way I thought at the time. Yeah, and 142 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,440 Speaker 2: I will never ever forget as long as I live. 143 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,600 Speaker 2: I was about nineteen years old and I had decided 144 00:09:26,679 --> 00:09:29,360 Speaker 2: that life is not worth living. I don't I don't 145 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 2: want to live anymore, and I want to be really clear, 146 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:36,920 Speaker 2: like I wasn't thinking about I had decided out, and 147 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:41,079 Speaker 2: I was laying in my dorm room and for sometimes 148 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,760 Speaker 2: I think God speaks to you. Sometimes I think the 149 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,040 Speaker 2: universe speaks to you, or whatever you want to call it. 150 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,199 Speaker 2: Sometimes a message it's placed upon you. And I was 151 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,600 Speaker 2: laying in my dorm room knowing I've got a week 152 00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 2: or two left, and just laying there, and one of 153 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 2: those times like a message was given to me. And 154 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,240 Speaker 2: for whatever reason, I'm laying in my dorm room and 155 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,360 Speaker 2: I started thinking about my eulogy, and I started thinking 156 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,640 Speaker 2: of all my close friends. I was playing baseball at 157 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:11,079 Speaker 2: the time, So all my teammates getting behind a podium 158 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:14,719 Speaker 2: at some church at my funeral talking about how they 159 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,240 Speaker 2: didn't know Elliott was this sad, or they didn't know 160 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,800 Speaker 2: Elliott was this broken, or they didn't know Elliott was 161 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,440 Speaker 2: in this much trouble, and for whatever reason, I couldn't 162 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,079 Speaker 2: live with that. What I wanted them to say was 163 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:29,400 Speaker 2: I didn't know Elliott's father was this much of a 164 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 2: tormentor like, don't blame me for this, like blame you. 165 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,320 Speaker 2: And I was laying there in my bed like just 166 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 2: in tears, thinking they're gonna misunderstand this. They're gonna think 167 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,240 Speaker 2: I'm broken instead of that dude is broken and thus 168 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 2: broke me. Yes, so blame the breaker, don't blame me. 169 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:51,960 Speaker 2: And in that moment, I decided to outlive my pain. 170 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,880 Speaker 2: I told myself as a nineteen year old, not that 171 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,600 Speaker 2: I want to live, but I wanted to outlive this 172 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,040 Speaker 2: pain so I could tell the story. That was my 173 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:04,840 Speaker 2: desire at the time. The very next day, I went 174 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,480 Speaker 2: to my advisor and I said, I want to switch 175 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:11,760 Speaker 2: my major to psychology because I thought I can understand, 176 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,400 Speaker 2: you know, I can understand that, no idea that I 177 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:19,040 Speaker 2: would one day be a psychotherapist. But interesting, interesting things 178 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:22,680 Speaker 2: started to happen, like once I decided to outlive my pain, 179 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:26,440 Speaker 2: I had to make decisions that were congruent to the outliving. 180 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:29,679 Speaker 2: I called my dad and I said, look, man, we've 181 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,040 Speaker 2: been through a lot, and I can get through all 182 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,560 Speaker 2: of it. I can forgive and move past all of it. 183 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,440 Speaker 2: I just have four requests. Can't yell at me, hit me, 184 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,319 Speaker 2: curse at me, or call me names. If you can 185 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 2: follow those four rules, I'll deal with everything else. And 186 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:48,599 Speaker 2: he said you he hung up the phone. I was like, okay, 187 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,640 Speaker 2: this is a moment I have to like decide. Am 188 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 2: I going to stick to who I want to be? 189 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,160 Speaker 2: And I said, okay, call me when you can follow 190 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,319 Speaker 2: those rules. And he hasn't called me since. The next semester, 191 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 2: I got a four point zero and I was like, wow, 192 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,680 Speaker 2: I'm actually smart. I didn't know that I went to 193 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,880 Speaker 2: college because I could play baseball. And the very next semester, 194 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,600 Speaker 2: which was hard because you have to grieve the loss 195 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,760 Speaker 2: of your abusive father. I tell me all the time, 196 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,080 Speaker 2: like the hardest thing in the world is a grief 197 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,959 Speaker 2: someone that's still here. But I got a four point zero. 198 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 2: I was like, wow, I'm actually smart. I ended up 199 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 2: graduating and somebody came to me and said, you'd be 200 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:27,240 Speaker 2: a very good psychotherapist. I had no idea what that was, 201 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:31,200 Speaker 2: and they said, you should apply to graduate school. Another moment, 202 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:34,080 Speaker 2: I swear sometimes I think I think God's path is 203 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:38,280 Speaker 2: just there. And my psychology program at this university I 204 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:42,440 Speaker 2: was attending created a counseling program and they said, we 205 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:46,040 Speaker 2: want you to be in the first cohort. I was like, okay, 206 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,720 Speaker 2: I'm in. I just feel like this is one of 207 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:52,080 Speaker 2: those moments. And while I was in graduate school, I 208 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:57,040 Speaker 2: knew that I had saved my own life by hoping 209 00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,640 Speaker 2: for her future beyond pain. I knew that. So I 210 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:02,800 Speaker 2: went to graduate school thinking I was going to learn 211 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,920 Speaker 2: about the true levers of change. And we know what 212 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:11,920 Speaker 2: the levers of change are their hope, love, inspiration, spirituality, nature, 213 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,839 Speaker 2: like these are the things that create change. And when 214 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,000 Speaker 2: I went to graduate school, all I learned about was 215 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:22,080 Speaker 2: diagnosis and problems, and I learned to believe in human 216 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,840 Speaker 2: beings through learning to believe in myself. And I just 217 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 2: couldn't believe that you're not talking to me about love, hope, warmth, nature, 218 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,240 Speaker 2: the true things that lead to or change. You're not 219 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,160 Speaker 2: teaching me how to inspire people. You're teaching me how 220 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,600 Speaker 2: to diagnose them. And I thought that was a problem 221 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,480 Speaker 2: because I don't want to look at people as broken, 222 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,800 Speaker 2: because when you view somebody as broken, then you view 223 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:47,319 Speaker 2: them through the lens of kent. When you view somebody 224 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,840 Speaker 2: as healable, then you view them through the lens of capable. 225 00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:55,600 Speaker 2: And that wasn't what was happening, and I just thought, 226 00:13:55,679 --> 00:13:57,440 Speaker 2: I don't want to do this, and I made the 227 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,400 Speaker 2: decision I'm going to quit graduate school, going to put 228 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,319 Speaker 2: myself through this if that's not what I'm learning. And 229 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:08,120 Speaker 2: that semester of my university hired this woman and they 230 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 2: brought her to my class and they said, we hired 231 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:12,960 Speaker 2: this new professor. We had to let her talk for 232 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,480 Speaker 2: like twenty minutes. You can take her classes next semester, 233 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,160 Speaker 2: but we just want to introduce you guys to this 234 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,040 Speaker 2: new professor. And I'm kind of checked out because I 235 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 2: knew I'm going to quit this program anyway. I'm not 236 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,840 Speaker 2: a quitter, So I was going to finish the semester, 237 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 2: but like, I'm not going further, and she described solution 238 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,000 Speaker 2: focus proof there was the first time I ever really heard 239 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:36,120 Speaker 2: about it. The next semester, I took one of her courses, 240 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,720 Speaker 2: and you know, when you're in graduate school, you take 241 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,680 Speaker 2: you take a course where each chapter of a book 242 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:44,240 Speaker 2: is a different therapy approach, and the solution focused approach 243 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,280 Speaker 2: was about two and a half pages of that book. 244 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,240 Speaker 2: But it was the first time I ever read about 245 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:52,440 Speaker 2: hope and the things that actually lead towards change, and 246 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:57,080 Speaker 2: I was moved. I was moved, and I was told 247 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,120 Speaker 2: that not a lot of people in our field practiced 248 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,360 Speaker 2: this way and think it's a band aid way of 249 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,320 Speaker 2: doing therapy, and how could you possibly solve somebody's problems 250 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,560 Speaker 2: if you're not focused on their problem? But I was like, 251 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 2: but I solved my problem by not focusing on my problem. 252 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,400 Speaker 2: I actually focused on my internal resilience and strength, and 253 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:18,800 Speaker 2: it literally transformed to press anxious, suicidal person into something different. 254 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:21,800 Speaker 2: And I was just so on fire about it. So 255 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,480 Speaker 2: I just started I wanted to learn everything I wanted 256 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:28,680 Speaker 2: to learn everything about it, and I read every book, 257 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,800 Speaker 2: every research article that I can get my hands on. 258 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,520 Speaker 2: I started traveling the world to attend trainings from like 259 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,200 Speaker 2: the Masters. You know, this is the early two thousands, 260 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,160 Speaker 2: so like the Masters of the therapy world at the time, 261 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,320 Speaker 2: and before I knew it, I had my own ideas 262 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,440 Speaker 2: that I was developing about these things. And I was 263 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,760 Speaker 2: encouraged to write a book. You said I had four books, 264 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,640 Speaker 2: actually have five. My six is coming out in about 265 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:58,360 Speaker 2: a month. And then people started asking me this. For me, 266 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 2: this is like a journal journey of discovery, like my 267 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,880 Speaker 2: journey of healing is also a journey off discovery discovery. 268 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 2: When your father is beating you what people don't often 269 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 2: talk about, like bruises, heel, but when he's beating you, 270 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,040 Speaker 2: he's also saying you're never gonna amount to anything, You're 271 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:16,720 Speaker 2: a loser, you're an idiot, like all these things. So 272 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,840 Speaker 2: I started learning like I'm actually pretty bright, like I 273 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,080 Speaker 2: had a master's degree, hold kind of like a pretty 274 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:26,040 Speaker 2: bright guy. I learned that I was really good at 275 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,160 Speaker 2: speaking like somebody. When my first book came out, I 276 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:33,000 Speaker 2: got an email and this person in bath, UK say, hey, 277 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,440 Speaker 2: we want you to come to a keynote in bath, 278 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:35,880 Speaker 2: UK and I was like, I ain't going to do that. 279 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,960 Speaker 2: I've never been out of the country, I've never done 280 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,720 Speaker 2: a keynote, Like y'all have to keep that. And I 281 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:44,880 Speaker 2: watched an interview by the guy who founded Virgin the 282 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:50,520 Speaker 2: Virgin Media Corporation, Richard Branson, and he said, when someone 283 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,040 Speaker 2: ask you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, say 284 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,000 Speaker 2: yes and then figure it out. And I was like, 285 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:58,560 Speaker 2: all right, I'm uncomfortable, so I'm gonna say yes. And 286 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,800 Speaker 2: I went to the post office and got my passport 287 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:04,080 Speaker 2: and I was like, I'm just gonna live with whatever 288 00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:06,480 Speaker 2: happens upon that stage. I'll never thin get. I got 289 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,080 Speaker 2: off the stage and somebody said you were meant to 290 00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:13,320 Speaker 2: be here, and I was like, Wow, that's unbelievable. And 291 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,399 Speaker 2: from that time I've just been on fire about like 292 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,800 Speaker 2: I want more people to know, not necessarily about solution 293 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,800 Speaker 2: focused brief therapy, though that's part of it, but I 294 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,680 Speaker 2: want I want more people to know that you can 295 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 2: completely transform your life with love and hope and inspiration, 296 00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:32,080 Speaker 2: and that starts with you, like it starts internally, like 297 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:36,040 Speaker 2: you can truly learn to love yourself, like you have 298 00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:38,880 Speaker 2: to accept all of your flaws, Like no one is perfect. 299 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:41,960 Speaker 2: But if we accept it, that's true, that no one 300 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:46,359 Speaker 2: is perfect, then the opposite must be equally true. Like 301 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,560 Speaker 2: if no one is perfect, that also means nobody is 302 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:55,879 Speaker 2: imperfectly perfect. Everyone has some flaw and everyone has some brilliance. 303 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,440 Speaker 2: So what if the key to life is to stop 304 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,840 Speaker 2: focusing on your flaws and try to like fix them. 305 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:03,679 Speaker 2: But what if the key to life is to like 306 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:07,320 Speaker 2: focus on your brilliance and like totally lean into that 307 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,040 Speaker 2: and totally fall in love with that part of you 308 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:13,560 Speaker 2: and totally expand that part of you. And that's what 309 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,480 Speaker 2: my work is about. Like my work, like I travel 310 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,359 Speaker 2: the world, and I mean since covid mora online, I suppose, 311 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,720 Speaker 2: but I write all kinds of books because I want 312 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:24,240 Speaker 2: people to look at themselves and understand, yes, you have flaws, 313 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,119 Speaker 2: because that's how we're all built, but you also have 314 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:31,800 Speaker 2: brilliance and somehow the flaws have like blinking red lights, 315 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,439 Speaker 2: but we got to go find the brilliance and we 316 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:38,800 Speaker 2: have to check your ego and just like accept the brilliance. 317 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,920 Speaker 2: Like growing up, I wanted to, you know, play third 318 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,919 Speaker 2: base for the New York Yankees, Like, that's my ego, 319 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 2: Like I wanted to be like a celebrity athlete. That's 320 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:53,160 Speaker 2: my ego. But my brilliance lied in this other area. 321 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:57,320 Speaker 2: But if you follow that, then the rewards are so 322 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,959 Speaker 2: beyond what you could believe anyway. So just check your 323 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:06,800 Speaker 2: ego and find your presence. Hmmm, sorry, really long winded exposition. 324 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:07,719 Speaker 1: It was so perfect. 325 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,000 Speaker 2: I have to tell you a whole thing in order 326 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:09,840 Speaker 2: to tell your whole thing. 327 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:16,200 Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you for sharing so much of your personal story, 328 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,440 Speaker 1: everything you've said. I mean, it's just it's just so powerful. 329 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,439 Speaker 1: And I think, you know, for those of us and 330 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,520 Speaker 1: those listening that I've had, you know, especially some of 331 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:31,679 Speaker 1: those really kind of gnarly childhood experiences, there is this 332 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:36,000 Speaker 1: resilience that you know, there's this study. There have been studies, 333 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,760 Speaker 1: but there's this new one coming out of Germany about 334 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,720 Speaker 1: the way that trauma and some people can activate almost 335 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:47,680 Speaker 1: like a superhero gene, Like it gives you this expanded, 336 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:53,360 Speaker 1: kind of extraordinary form of optimistic resilience that allows you 337 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,080 Speaker 1: not just to keep going, but to like break through 338 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,280 Speaker 1: upper limits. And that's so much of what I'm hearing 339 00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,320 Speaker 1: in your life. 340 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:03,359 Speaker 2: Yeah, like if you understood, Like I saw a client. 341 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:06,040 Speaker 2: Here's a good example of exactly what you're saying. Saw 342 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,120 Speaker 2: a client one time who was telling me I have 343 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:14,200 Speaker 2: these massive anxiety attacks, like these massive panic attacks. And 344 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:18,560 Speaker 2: I asked how often really happen? And this person said, like, 345 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:22,000 Speaker 2: you know, twice a day, something very frequent, and it 346 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,880 Speaker 2: was a lot. And I said, how do you calm 347 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:31,560 Speaker 2: yourself down? And she said I don't know. And I said, 348 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,439 Speaker 2: what do you mean you don't know? She said, I have 349 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:36,440 Speaker 2: no idea how I calmed myself down. And I said, well, 350 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,760 Speaker 2: do you stay anxious all day? And she said no, 351 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,440 Speaker 2: it just happens, you know, once or twice a day. 352 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:44,800 Speaker 2: Said good, So you're simultaneously telling me that you have 353 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:48,080 Speaker 2: frequent anxiety attacks, but you're also telling me you have 354 00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:51,480 Speaker 2: frequent recovery moments too, And she said yeah, but I 355 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:52,879 Speaker 2: don't know how I do it. I said, well, then 356 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,440 Speaker 2: I don't know if I can help you, Like can 357 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,040 Speaker 2: you go home? And every time you get anxious, I 358 00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,360 Speaker 2: want you to pay extra close attention to what you do, 359 00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:03,320 Speaker 2: wow to come out of it, because you do it 360 00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:05,560 Speaker 2: once or twice a day, because you don't stay anxious 361 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,440 Speaker 2: all day and she came back a week later she said, 362 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:12,399 Speaker 2: I haven't had a single anxiety attack, So why not? 363 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,879 Speaker 2: And she said, because the more I pay attention to 364 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,360 Speaker 2: the things I do to stay soothed, then the more 365 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:22,840 Speaker 2: I stay soothed. And that's like the best example I 366 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:27,320 Speaker 2: can give of that idea that when we go through things, 367 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:31,359 Speaker 2: it does trigger that like resilience, but we often don't 368 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,399 Speaker 2: catch it because we're so focused on the thing we 369 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 2: went through, not necessarily the resilience that we got from 370 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,480 Speaker 2: the going of the through. So this person had gone 371 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,479 Speaker 2: through a lot in life and as a consequence, has 372 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,159 Speaker 2: developed this massive issue with anxiety, but all she focused 373 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,200 Speaker 2: on was the anxiety and the stuff that created it. 374 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,000 Speaker 2: Once you triggered this person to focus on something else 375 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,960 Speaker 2: problem in a way, like it just didn't exist anymore. 376 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:59,840 Speaker 1: That's so interesting. That's so interesting, Like I'm definitely hearing 377 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:04,320 Speaker 1: like active awareness, and it's like she's pushed into being 378 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: in practice with how to tend to herself. Yeah, deeply, Well, elliot, 379 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,640 Speaker 1: where does the rest of it go? Right? Like, when 380 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:24,400 Speaker 1: I think about like the actual experiences, is it kind 381 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:27,800 Speaker 1: of this one kind of enlightened experience of it clicking 382 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,840 Speaker 1: and you are in full acceptance of the things that 383 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,720 Speaker 1: happen to you or you know, I think for so 384 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:39,480 Speaker 1: many that have had like trauma, there is this kind 385 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,160 Speaker 1: of loop of thought, right, Like there are these intrusive 386 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:46,359 Speaker 1: thoughts that can happen. Sometimes there is like manifestation of 387 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:50,640 Speaker 1: autoimmune disease or different kinds of pain points in your 388 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,000 Speaker 1: body that are reflective of that. Where where does all 389 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:57,440 Speaker 1: of that go in this system? How do you work 390 00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:57,880 Speaker 1: with it? 391 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,439 Speaker 2: I don't mean to be flippant and I say this, 392 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 2: but it goes away because like you don't have the 393 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:08,000 Speaker 2: physical manifestations because of the problem. You have the physical 394 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:11,320 Speaker 2: manifestations because of the way you're perceiving the problem. Like 395 00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:14,240 Speaker 2: again to give an example, like I know what it's 396 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,000 Speaker 2: like to be punched in the face by my father, 397 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:17,880 Speaker 2: Like I know what that's like, a lot of people 398 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,680 Speaker 2: don't know what their father's fists feels like. But I don't, 399 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,520 Speaker 2: Like I can tell you what that feels like. There's 400 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,080 Speaker 2: not anything I could like that happened. I don't have 401 00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:29,840 Speaker 2: a time machine. I can't undo it. I can't like 402 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:35,439 Speaker 2: that happened. But when I understood that, I survived it. 403 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,560 Speaker 2: When I started to think about what did I learn 404 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,680 Speaker 2: from the surviving of it? When I started to think 405 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,560 Speaker 2: about what superhero traits in me were triggered from the 406 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:50,520 Speaker 2: going through of that, the depression went away, the anxiety 407 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:55,480 Speaker 2: went away, the things that had plagued me went away, 408 00:23:56,359 --> 00:23:59,040 Speaker 2: and that that happens because we put our past in 409 00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:03,040 Speaker 2: an appropriate pay place, we developed those things. Like I 410 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,640 Speaker 2: developed that anxiety and that depression and that low self 411 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,560 Speaker 2: esteem because I had the anxiety, I didn't have the 412 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:12,200 Speaker 2: memories in the right place. I was wondering why did 413 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,800 Speaker 2: this happen? What was wrong with me that my father 414 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:17,200 Speaker 2: didn't love me enough not to pund Like those things 415 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:21,679 Speaker 2: are what lead to the physical manifestations, because that's what 416 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,920 Speaker 2: leads to the stress, and the stress starts to deteriorate 417 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,800 Speaker 2: your body and you start developing symptoms of that. But 418 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 2: it's actually a source of pride. 419 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:29,160 Speaker 1: Now. 420 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:33,200 Speaker 2: I can remember vividly looking around my college classroom and 421 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:37,040 Speaker 2: I'm on this campus, like I was asked to come 422 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:39,199 Speaker 2: to this university because I could play baseball, And I'm 423 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:43,520 Speaker 2: looking around and there was all these kids that come 424 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:49,520 Speaker 2: from two family homes, large finances available to them. Every 425 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,320 Speaker 2: semester they would get money from their parents go buy books, 426 00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:55,000 Speaker 2: and this one guy's mom was a really great cook, 427 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:59,080 Speaker 2: and she would mail frozen meatballs and we'd all get excited. 428 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:04,320 Speaker 2: I remember looking around and feeling really depressed that, like 429 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,080 Speaker 2: somebody loves me enough to do that, or that's not 430 00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:11,280 Speaker 2: the environment I came from. But after a while I 431 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,160 Speaker 2: was really proud of it. I was like, wait a minute, 432 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,840 Speaker 2: I had just about every disadvantage that you could give 433 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:21,040 Speaker 2: to me, and I ended up at the same university 434 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:23,560 Speaker 2: you did, Like with all of your advantages and your 435 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,600 Speaker 2: privilege and your affluence, I ended up in the seat 436 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:31,280 Speaker 2: next to you, and I ended up in saying graduating classes. 437 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:35,520 Speaker 2: You and I had every disadvantage that could have been 438 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:39,159 Speaker 2: given to me. Well, when you think about things in 439 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,360 Speaker 2: that way, then it doesn't cause you angst, it causes 440 00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:45,959 Speaker 2: you pride. And then I start to realize that I 441 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,080 Speaker 2: represent much more than that, Like when I became a 442 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:54,080 Speaker 2: psychotherapist and people were shocked that like the story that 443 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:57,199 Speaker 2: I carried, and I realized, like, the power is in 444 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:00,159 Speaker 2: your story, Like we all have a story, and my 445 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:05,000 Speaker 2: ability or or my decision to share it became a 446 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:09,120 Speaker 2: powerful tool for my healing, but also a source of infiration, 447 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,240 Speaker 2: inspiration for people in our community who had never seen it, 448 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,200 Speaker 2: therapists dressed like this, who've never seen a therapist listening 449 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,240 Speaker 2: to jay Z or never seen a therapist doing the 450 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:22,240 Speaker 2: things that I was doing. And and that's where all 451 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,480 Speaker 2: that stuff goes, just goes away, because when you think 452 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,960 Speaker 2: about something in a proper way, because the memory is there, like, 453 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,720 Speaker 2: we can't do anything about that. The thing happened, so 454 00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,920 Speaker 2: now we have to put it in a proper context. 455 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,320 Speaker 2: And when you put it in a proper context, even 456 00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:37,040 Speaker 2: your physical body will you. 457 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:44,040 Speaker 1: It's really powerful when someone comes to you and they have, 458 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,560 Speaker 1: you know, this this vision of where they want to go. 459 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:53,680 Speaker 1: They have this like you know, I'll give you maybe 460 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:54,320 Speaker 1: a scenario. 461 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:55,159 Speaker 2: You know. 462 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,760 Speaker 1: It's like if someone comes and they are you know, 463 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,639 Speaker 1: just saying like I want it. I want to have 464 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,600 Speaker 1: more meaning in my life. I want to have more 465 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:04,800 Speaker 1: joy in my life. I want to live my purpose. 466 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:08,080 Speaker 1: I want to have a family that is healthy that 467 00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:12,600 Speaker 1: I love. How does the journey begin? 468 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:17,680 Speaker 2: Well, the step, the first step when someone comes to me, which, 469 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,120 Speaker 2: by the way, to be very honest with you, most 470 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:22,600 Speaker 2: people don't know what they want. Really, yeah, what most 471 00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:26,359 Speaker 2: people are very aware of is what they don't want. Okay, 472 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:28,400 Speaker 2: So when people come to me and I ask them 473 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,439 Speaker 2: what is the thing you want, they basically say, not this, 474 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:37,560 Speaker 2: whatever this is, whatever generation of this is around them. Like, 475 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,399 Speaker 2: think about the way that we talk about sobriety, right Like, 476 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:43,480 Speaker 2: in the world of sobriety, we don't talk about sobriety. 477 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:46,720 Speaker 2: We talk about not using. So very often if I 478 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:49,400 Speaker 2: ask someone who's struggling with a deddiction, what's the thing 479 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:55,040 Speaker 2: you most desire, they don't say sobriety, loving their kids again, 480 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,119 Speaker 2: or they say I just need to stop drinking or 481 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:03,080 Speaker 2: drugging or whatever. So for me, the first step is A, 482 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,440 Speaker 2: I have to have a way of having you articulate 483 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:09,919 Speaker 2: what it is that you want, and then B I 484 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,600 Speaker 2: have to have a way of you envisioning you taking 485 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:13,919 Speaker 2: your first step. And one of the ways that I'll 486 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,199 Speaker 2: do that is I'll ask them something like, suppose you 487 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:19,080 Speaker 2: woke up tomorrow and it was the very first day 488 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,480 Speaker 2: of those like sober version of you, the version of 489 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:24,960 Speaker 2: you capable of healing the relationship with your partner, kids, 490 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:29,000 Speaker 2: blah blah blah, what's the absolute first thing you would notice? So, 491 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,800 Speaker 2: in my teaching. When I started doing this right, people 492 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:33,640 Speaker 2: didn't believe me. I would tell them what was happening 493 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,879 Speaker 2: in therapy, and they didn't believe me. So I started 494 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:40,600 Speaker 2: recording sessions with clients permission, of course, and occasionally clients 495 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,360 Speaker 2: would give me permission not only to record it, but 496 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:45,640 Speaker 2: to show it in trainings. And I've got this guy. 497 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:50,680 Speaker 2: I've got a videotape with this guy. He's using crystal 498 00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:56,400 Speaker 2: methane phetamine frequently. And I asked him what does he want? 499 00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:59,320 Speaker 2: He said, I don't know. No, I can't work with that. 500 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,160 Speaker 2: I have to challenge You're like, what do you think 501 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,600 Speaker 2: you want? I don't know, he said, it depends on what 502 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 2: we're going to talk about. I don't know what we're 503 00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:06,480 Speaker 2: going to talk about it. I just met you. But if 504 00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:08,440 Speaker 2: this is a useful conversation, what's that thing that you 505 00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:11,280 Speaker 2: would want? After about three minutes of him saying he 506 00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:14,640 Speaker 2: didn't know, he said, I need to stop using drugs. 507 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:17,680 Speaker 2: And I said, what would you like to do instead? 508 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:18,560 Speaker 1: Right? 509 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:24,600 Speaker 2: And he said work on cars. Now, why that's so 510 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:28,480 Speaker 2: important is because everyone has that thing that they can't 511 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:32,880 Speaker 2: live without. Maybe it's drawing. For me, it's writing. I 512 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:37,880 Speaker 2: love to write. Maybe it's swimming for another person, hiking 513 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,680 Speaker 2: for another person's skating for who knows, But for this 514 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,160 Speaker 2: particular man, it was about cars. Like he wanted to 515 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:47,360 Speaker 2: be the mechanic version of himself. So I've got to 516 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 2: ask him, if you walk tomorrow's a mechanic version of yourself, 517 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:52,720 Speaker 2: what would you be thinking about? And he said cake. 518 00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:56,800 Speaker 2: I was like, cake? Why cake? And he said, I 519 00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:59,400 Speaker 2: made a cake and there's a cake in my refrigerator. 520 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:02,080 Speaker 2: And if I woke up tomorrow thinks about cake instead 521 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:05,720 Speaker 2: of drugs, I would know. So, like, where does it start? 522 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:08,040 Speaker 2: It starts with that first step, Like you wake up 523 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,040 Speaker 2: thinking about cake, which is a very normal thing, right, 524 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:14,240 Speaker 2: Like if I've had a delicious meal that I couldn't 525 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:15,400 Speaker 2: eat the whole thing up and I put it in 526 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 2: a refrigerator, you wake up in the morning, You're like, oh, 527 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:20,600 Speaker 2: I hope that thing is still in there, and I 528 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:23,120 Speaker 2: can't wait to eat it today because I don't use 529 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:25,400 Speaker 2: crystal mentenphetamine, so I don't wake up think about how 530 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:27,800 Speaker 2: am I going to get my next hide. For him, 531 00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:30,360 Speaker 2: waking up and thinking about that thing and refrigerator is 532 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:34,760 Speaker 2: a massive thing. So where does the journey start, It 533 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:38,280 Speaker 2: starts with that first step that sounds mundane to the 534 00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:41,120 Speaker 2: average person, but to that guy, so get it, it 535 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:43,800 Speaker 2: was massive, right And if we can talk about that 536 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:45,680 Speaker 2: first step, so what's the next thing you would do? 537 00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:47,960 Speaker 2: And the next thing you would do? And he doesn't 538 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:52,560 Speaker 2: even know it, but he's literally rewiring his brain literally, 539 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:56,320 Speaker 2: because that's what words and envisioning do, that's what manifesting does. 540 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,640 Speaker 2: If we talk about the day I start my sober 541 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:03,600 Speaker 2: journey in real detail, like what would be on your mind? 542 00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:05,480 Speaker 2: You woke up? Cake? And then what would you do? 543 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,080 Speaker 2: I'd have some cake? And then how would your kids 544 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,520 Speaker 2: know that there's something slightly different about you? Well, I'd 545 00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:11,400 Speaker 2: play with him instead of running out, And he's like, 546 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:15,120 Speaker 2: really detail. Fourteen months later I found out he hadn't 547 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:17,880 Speaker 2: touched Krista mcthan vitamine since we had that conversation. Right, So, 548 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,000 Speaker 2: how does that happen? By you trigger people to think 549 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:25,760 Speaker 2: about step one, step two? Guess, because that's how change happens. 550 00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:26,360 Speaker 1: Yeah. 551 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:30,240 Speaker 2: The problem is most psychotherapists, they don't take the time 552 00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:34,600 Speaker 2: to learn that this man in his heart is a mechanic. 553 00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,480 Speaker 2: I remember there were some people watching when I did that. 554 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:39,960 Speaker 2: I did it live the session that actually happened. We 555 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:41,800 Speaker 2: got the recording, but I did it live. And they 556 00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:44,840 Speaker 2: are about thirty clinicians watching him, and some of them 557 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:47,320 Speaker 2: had treated him in the past. About halfway through the 558 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:51,640 Speaker 2: session he starts crying. So we're walking through like every step, 559 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:54,960 Speaker 2: every detail, and about halfway through the session, he starts 560 00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:59,000 Speaker 2: crying and I said, you're okay. So yeah, he said, 561 00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:03,120 Speaker 2: you know, when I was a kid up until when 562 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,240 Speaker 2: I was ten years old, every Saturday, my father would 563 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:08,200 Speaker 2: wake me up on Saturdays. He'd sit me on his 564 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:10,080 Speaker 2: lap and we'd go out on the driveway and we'd 565 00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:14,000 Speaker 2: work on cars together. And he said, and then without 566 00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:16,000 Speaker 2: any warning, when I was ten, my father passed away. 567 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:18,640 Speaker 2: He said, I had the kind of father that gave 568 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:22,040 Speaker 2: you heaps of positive energy. I'll never forget, like the 569 00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:24,320 Speaker 2: wind beneath your sales, that's exactly how you Worre did it. 570 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:28,840 Speaker 2: And he said, I feel like that's why all of 571 00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:31,960 Speaker 2: this has happened. But it would feel really good to 572 00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:35,040 Speaker 2: get back to that. So at the end of this session, 573 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:36,680 Speaker 2: I go talk to the people that were watching, and 574 00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:38,800 Speaker 2: again few of them had treated him, and they said 575 00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:42,240 Speaker 2: I had no idea he liked cars. I was like, well, 576 00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 2: that's why he didn't change when you were talking to him. 577 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,280 Speaker 2: You didn't earn the right to talk to him, because 578 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:49,880 Speaker 2: if you don't know he loves cars, how could you 579 00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:53,400 Speaker 2: possibly treat him? Like we think if we learn everything 580 00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:56,560 Speaker 2: about a problem, about a person's problem, about a person's triggers, 581 00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:58,760 Speaker 2: then we know enough to help them. But that's that's 582 00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:02,440 Speaker 2: not true. Can be true, Like you have to know 583 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:06,840 Speaker 2: what drives a person in order to help them create change. 584 00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:10,040 Speaker 2: And for him, these cars and now we know why 585 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:13,280 Speaker 2: cars are very much connected to his father's legacy, which 586 00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:17,360 Speaker 2: matters him, and the drug use became like a numbing 587 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:21,720 Speaker 2: agent for letting his father down. But when he can 588 00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:25,360 Speaker 2: recapture that, then he doesn't need the numbing agent. Yeah 589 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:28,160 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Like, So for me, that 590 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:29,200 Speaker 2: that's everything. 591 00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:33,400 Speaker 1: That is so powerful in my language kind of more 592 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:37,480 Speaker 1: like mindfulness, mindful awareness. I'm just hearing the deep presence, 593 00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:41,880 Speaker 1: like it's deep connection to the present moment. And that's 594 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:45,400 Speaker 1: in my world where change happens, you know, it's it's 595 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,240 Speaker 1: it's in that space where you're just kind of in 596 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:52,000 Speaker 1: that gap and there is this kind of opportunity to 597 00:33:52,080 --> 00:34:00,320 Speaker 1: spark creativity towards something that is so Wow. You have 598 00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:04,240 Speaker 1: a new podcast I do on the Black Effect Network 599 00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:10,040 Speaker 1: Family Therapy. Yes, So I'm going to read this synopsis 600 00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:11,600 Speaker 1: and then I'm going to dive in because this is 601 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:14,719 Speaker 1: something that I think God so many are longing for, 602 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:17,799 Speaker 1: but in a way that makes sense for us. You know, 603 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,880 Speaker 1: all of our families can look so different and sometimes 604 00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:26,520 Speaker 1: peeling back those layers can feel really, really scary. So 605 00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:30,040 Speaker 1: your podcast on the Black Effect Network Family Therapy. Family 606 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:34,200 Speaker 1: Therapy podcast is the display of exploration of self through 607 00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:37,920 Speaker 1: the means of conversation while constructing a nourishing space for 608 00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:42,480 Speaker 1: individuals looking to heal by revealing anxieties and exploring deeply 609 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:46,359 Speaker 1: rooted problems, Family Therapy will document a family's journey as 610 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:50,720 Speaker 1: they work through trauma in conversation with psychotherapist Elliot Khanni. 611 00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:54,520 Speaker 1: Over the course of sixteen weeks. Participants will examine their 612 00:34:54,600 --> 00:35:00,000 Speaker 1: life relationships, hardships, successes, shortcomings, and personal growth as they 613 00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:03,920 Speaker 1: seek progress. Therapy sessions will consist of individual and groups 614 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:09,000 Speaker 1: conversations in an effort to restore old wounds. So your podcast, 615 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:13,520 Speaker 1: we are hearing therapy sessions. Wow. 616 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:16,080 Speaker 2: In the real journey, like and it's wrong. 617 00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:21,600 Speaker 1: Oh wow, how has this process been and how many 618 00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:24,480 Speaker 1: families did you work with in this process so far? 619 00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:26,640 Speaker 2: Each season is going to highlight a different family. 620 00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:32,600 Speaker 1: Wow. Yeah, and that's so. I learned something recently that 621 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:36,440 Speaker 1: it takes between eight and twelve therapy sessions to actually 622 00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:39,800 Speaker 1: see kind of change begin to occur. You don't believe that, 623 00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:42,440 Speaker 1: because I was going to say that sixteen weeks we 624 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:46,680 Speaker 1: must really be getting a look at true kind of evolution. 625 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,000 Speaker 2: You will. Yeah, Well, first of all, I think I 626 00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:51,279 Speaker 2: think change can happen in one session. I think change 627 00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:53,719 Speaker 2: can happen in a single moment. In fact, I thinks 628 00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:55,799 Speaker 2: how life is definitely if you think about how your life, 629 00:35:56,239 --> 00:35:58,680 Speaker 2: everybody can think about their lives. Your life changed in 630 00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:01,280 Speaker 2: a moment, and people all the time. Why can't therapy 631 00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:04,319 Speaker 2: be a moment? Therapists kind of believe like it takes 632 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,440 Speaker 2: me a while to solve a problem, maybe, but like 633 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:09,680 Speaker 2: therapy can be that moment in your life is never 634 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:15,120 Speaker 2: the same, and you're gonna see conversations or hear conversations 635 00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:19,799 Speaker 2: I guess in this podcast that are just unbelievable. Like 636 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:24,040 Speaker 2: even I like I had to I had to put 637 00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:26,880 Speaker 2: myself in a very vulnerable state because it's not scripted. 638 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:28,480 Speaker 2: I have no idea how this is going to go 639 00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:31,400 Speaker 2: like it could it could go totally left, or you 640 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,440 Speaker 2: know whatever. But I thought it was important, especially for 641 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:39,839 Speaker 2: the black and brown community, to see one what the 642 00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:43,120 Speaker 2: therapeutic process looks like, and two what it looks like 643 00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:47,520 Speaker 2: coming from us. I've talked to many, many black and 644 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:50,280 Speaker 2: brown people who are hesitant to go to therapy because 645 00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:53,279 Speaker 2: it's very difficult to explain our experience to people who 646 00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:56,680 Speaker 2: aren't of our culture. So this opportunity when it came, 647 00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:58,480 Speaker 2: I was like, yes, I mean, it's a little scary 648 00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:00,400 Speaker 2: because I have no idea how these conversations going to go. 649 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:03,640 Speaker 2: But I'm all in because I want people to see 650 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:07,160 Speaker 2: it in its rawness, even when it doesn't go perfectly 651 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,400 Speaker 2: well all of the time or even at all, but 652 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:11,440 Speaker 2: ended up happening. I can't say too much right in 653 00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,959 Speaker 2: the middle of season one, but some of the things 654 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:19,640 Speaker 2: that unfolded amongst this family inspired me, Like I'm pretty 655 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:21,960 Speaker 2: confident I got inspired by them far more than they 656 00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:27,120 Speaker 2: got inspired by me. Like what the family healing that 657 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:32,000 Speaker 2: this particular family was willing to take on and accomplish. 658 00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:35,680 Speaker 2: And I'm talking like generational traumas. I'm not just talking 659 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,960 Speaker 2: about a trauma. I'm talking about like the legacy of 660 00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:44,239 Speaker 2: trauma that often exists in the families in our homes. 661 00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:48,040 Speaker 2: This family took it on and it's one of the 662 00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:51,080 Speaker 2: most inspiring things. Like it's one of the biggest honors 663 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:52,879 Speaker 2: of my professional life to be able to do this. 664 00:37:57,200 --> 00:38:02,560 Speaker 1: Deeply. Well, you mentioned at the top of the show 665 00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:05,200 Speaker 1: that you will be releasing your fifth book. Can we 666 00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:08,440 Speaker 1: get six your Six Lives six book? Can we get 667 00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:10,640 Speaker 1: a little information? Or is it to so? 668 00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:15,799 Speaker 2: No? No, no, So. We always talk about how we 669 00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:19,080 Speaker 2: need to talk to ourselves and how we need to 670 00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:22,440 Speaker 2: assess ourselves and how we need to look inward. But 671 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:25,200 Speaker 2: what I don't think we often talk enough about are 672 00:38:25,239 --> 00:38:29,320 Speaker 2: the questions we ask ourselves. The root of solution focused 673 00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:31,560 Speaker 2: brief therapy is the way we ask questions. If you 674 00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:34,759 Speaker 2: solution focused brief therapy is a questions based approach, and 675 00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:37,680 Speaker 2: you have to be very careful and very attentive and 676 00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:40,280 Speaker 2: very kind of specific in the way you ask your questions. 677 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,799 Speaker 2: So me and my colleague, doctor Adam Fewer, we were 678 00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,160 Speaker 2: really like and we've been doing this work for like 679 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:50,719 Speaker 2: twenty years and just seeing people's lives completely transform. I 680 00:38:50,719 --> 00:38:54,200 Speaker 2: had this moment one time, and questions are really really 681 00:38:54,400 --> 00:38:58,000 Speaker 2: funny because when the human brain, here's a question, you 682 00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:01,200 Speaker 2: can't help but answer it. It's just the way it works. 683 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,800 Speaker 2: Like if I ask you a specific question, the engineers 684 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:05,440 Speaker 2: and people in this room would answer it because that's 685 00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,759 Speaker 2: the way the human brain works. I was given a 686 00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:11,520 Speaker 2: lecture in Louisiana one time, and I'm teaching the audience. 687 00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:14,560 Speaker 2: It's an audience of psychotherapists. I'm teaching this audience of 688 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:17,799 Speaker 2: psychotherapists how to ask these questions. But in doing so, 689 00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:21,359 Speaker 2: I have to illustrate the questions. And we get to 690 00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:24,520 Speaker 2: the lunch break and the cameraman who was recording this 691 00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:29,080 Speaker 2: approaches me in tears and he said, you just saved 692 00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:31,560 Speaker 2: my marriage. I hadn't even talked to the guy. I 693 00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:33,160 Speaker 2: was like, what do you mean? And he said, I've 694 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:37,160 Speaker 2: been all of the questions you're teaching this audience. I've 695 00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:41,080 Speaker 2: been answering, and I realize things I need to do 696 00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:43,279 Speaker 2: differently and things I need to say. And I just 697 00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:45,920 Speaker 2: called my wife and told her and all this stuff, 698 00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,640 Speaker 2: and that kind of put a seed in my head, like, 699 00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:50,439 Speaker 2: what if we could write a book that would teach 700 00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:53,640 Speaker 2: people how to ask themselves the kind of questions that 701 00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:58,400 Speaker 2: would ignite that internal superhero, that would ignite the resilience 702 00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:00,919 Speaker 2: that would move them from where they are to where 703 00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:03,279 Speaker 2: they want to be. So that's what this book is. 704 00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:05,920 Speaker 2: It's titled Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, and it 705 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:08,600 Speaker 2: comes out in a couple of months. And I'm you know, 706 00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:10,760 Speaker 2: I've written a lot of books that are for psychotherapists 707 00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:12,719 Speaker 2: that have to be better at doing, you know, the 708 00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:15,600 Speaker 2: job we do. But this is the first book I've 709 00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:18,879 Speaker 2: written that like, I want every single human on earth, 710 00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,760 Speaker 2: which I know is not realistic, but I want everybody 711 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:23,800 Speaker 2: on earth to have this book because I want everybody 712 00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:26,840 Speaker 2: to be able to ask themselves the kind of questions 713 00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:31,359 Speaker 2: that create healing instead of pain, and ask themselves kind 714 00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:34,040 Speaker 2: of questions that get their lives moving in the right 715 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:36,799 Speaker 2: direction instead of being stuck. I mean, in your work, 716 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,720 Speaker 2: how many people do you see that just describe themselves 717 00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:42,200 Speaker 2: as stuck. Well, the most powerful thing to get yourself 718 00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:45,640 Speaker 2: unstuck is a question, but we don't know that. But 719 00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:47,960 Speaker 2: if you can change the way you ask yourself questions 720 00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:50,840 Speaker 2: you transform your life. So that's what the book is about. 721 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:54,000 Speaker 1: So beautiful. I cannot wait to check it out. 722 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:55,280 Speaker 2: I'm going to send you a copy. 723 00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:56,680 Speaker 1: Thank you and signs please. 724 00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:58,200 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am. 725 00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:00,920 Speaker 1: We are at the end of the show and I 726 00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:03,239 Speaker 1: would love to ask you. I asked every guest this 727 00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:07,400 Speaker 1: as we close, as everyone listens to this episode and 728 00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,960 Speaker 1: we have about a week getting ready for the next 729 00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:13,000 Speaker 1: every I asked that everyone takes some time to integrate it, 730 00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:15,799 Speaker 1: to think about it. So we're at the part of 731 00:41:15,800 --> 00:41:18,120 Speaker 1: the show that I like to call soul work. Okay, 732 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,640 Speaker 1: I want to invite you to leave the audience with 733 00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:23,640 Speaker 1: a little bit of soul work. And maybe it's a 734 00:41:23,719 --> 00:41:29,040 Speaker 1: question that they can be exploring after this episode until 735 00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:29,640 Speaker 1: we meet again. 736 00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:32,560 Speaker 2: The question I would want everybody, because you're right, it 737 00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:33,960 Speaker 2: would definitely coming from me. It would definitely. 738 00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:34,600 Speaker 1: It has to be. 739 00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:39,760 Speaker 2: I want you to ask yourself what do you want? 740 00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:44,560 Speaker 2: And then here's and I'm serious, this is very serious. 741 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:47,600 Speaker 2: I want you to ask yourself what do you want? 742 00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:51,160 Speaker 2: And I want you to write down the answer, and 743 00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:54,399 Speaker 2: then I want you to ask yourself ten times what 744 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:57,560 Speaker 2: difference would it make if I had that? And then 745 00:41:57,560 --> 00:41:59,920 Speaker 2: write down that answer, and then what difference would it 746 00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:03,680 Speaker 2: if I had ten times? So, for example, what do 747 00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:07,600 Speaker 2: you want I want to lose twenty pounds? What difference 748 00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:09,759 Speaker 2: would it make if you had that? I'd fit my 749 00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:12,440 Speaker 2: clothes better? What difference would it make if you had that? 750 00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:17,160 Speaker 2: And literally ten follow up questions and write them all down. 751 00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:19,800 Speaker 2: So by the time you get to number ten, I 752 00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,960 Speaker 2: promise you two things will happen. Number one, you'll be 753 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,360 Speaker 2: in tears, and number two, you will be motivated to 754 00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:30,359 Speaker 2: create the action. Come on, how do we do Debbi? 755 00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:36,960 Speaker 1: You got them up in their crevices. That is so good. 756 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:38,360 Speaker 2: That's what I want people to do. 757 00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:45,120 Speaker 1: Black Effect Network. Everyone please check out his podcast Family Therapy, 758 00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:49,240 Speaker 1: all the books, especially the forthcoming one Fourth for Sure, 759 00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:51,640 Speaker 1: and how can everyone reach you? What are your socials? 760 00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:54,719 Speaker 2: Find me on Elliot's Speaks at Elliot'speaks. Make sure you 761 00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,920 Speaker 2: spell my name right with two l's and two t's. 762 00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:00,040 Speaker 2: And I would love to be connected with people and 763 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:04,320 Speaker 2: send me DMS and comment and videos and let's interact 764 00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:07,520 Speaker 2: like I really really want to be a spreader of 765 00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:09,359 Speaker 2: hope and love. So the more people we can be 766 00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:10,480 Speaker 2: connected to the better. 767 00:43:10,719 --> 00:43:12,680 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. For your time today. Thank you 768 00:43:12,719 --> 00:43:13,319 Speaker 1: for your work. 769 00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:14,600 Speaker 2: No, I appreciate thank you for. 770 00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:21,799 Speaker 1: Your work now, mistay today Today. The content presented on 771 00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:26,360 Speaker 1: Deeply Wells serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It 772 00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:30,160 Speaker 1: should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical or 773 00:43:30,239 --> 00:43:35,520 Speaker 1: mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider patient relationship. 774 00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:38,960 Speaker 1: As always, it is advisable to consult with your healthcare 775 00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:43,759 Speaker 1: provider or health team for any specific concerns or questions 776 00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:47,560 Speaker 1: that you may have. Connect with me on social at 777 00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:50,719 Speaker 1: Debbie Brown. That's Twitter and Instagram, or you can go 778 00:43:50,760 --> 00:43:53,560 Speaker 1: to my website Debbie Brown dot com. And if you're 779 00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:58,200 Speaker 1: listening to the show on Apple Podcasts, don't forget, Please rate, review, 780 00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:01,280 Speaker 1: and subscribe and say end this episode to a friend. 781 00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:04,600 Speaker 1: Deeply Well is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black 782 00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:09,279 Speaker 1: Effect Network. It's produced by Jacquess Thomas, Samantha Timmins, and 783 00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:13,719 Speaker 1: me Debbie Brown. The Beautiful Soundbath You Heard That's by 784 00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:19,040 Speaker 1: Jarrelyn Glass from Crystal Cadence. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, 785 00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:22,719 Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your 786 00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:23,680 Speaker 1: favorite shows.