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Speaker 1: Ultimately, if you're going to change the trajectory of your

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Speaker 1: mental health journey, you're gonna have to make a decision

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Speaker 1: that puts yourself first. And people don't like to put

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Speaker 1: themselves first, but sometimes we have to. And the people

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Speaker 1: that really support you and love you and want you

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Speaker 1: to flourish in life will be clapping for you as

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Speaker 1: you put yourself first.

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Speaker 2: Hey everyone, Emily Abadi here you are listening to episode

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Speaker 2: one fifty nine of Hurdle, a wellness of focused podcasts

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Speaker 2: where I sit down with inspiring individuals to talk about

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Speaker 2: their big ones, tough moments, and everything in between. On

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Speaker 2: the show, you can expect vulnerability, motivation, and candid discussions

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Speaker 2: with everyone from top athletes and CEOs to aspiring entrepreneurs

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Speaker 2: on what it really takes to follow your passions. My

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Speaker 2: mission is simple to inspire you to be your best self,

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Speaker 2: move with.

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Speaker 3: Intention, and have some fun along the way.

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Speaker 2: Today on the show, I am so so amped to

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Speaker 2: be bringing you my conversation with Victoria Garrick. Victoria is

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Speaker 2: a former D one volleyball player, a TED talk speaker,

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Speaker 2: and mental health advocate. She was a four year starter

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Speaker 2: at USC where she won a pac twelve Humanship and

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Speaker 2: finished her career with the top five most digs in

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Speaker 2: program history.

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Speaker 3: Now you may know her for a few reasons.

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Speaker 2: One, She's got a awesome podcast called Real Pod. Her

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Speaker 2: twenty seventeen TED talk called The Hidden Opponent has been

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Speaker 2: viewed over three hundred and seventy thousand times. And I

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Speaker 2: mean she's been featured a ton of places from The

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Speaker 2: Player's Tribune and People Magazine, USA Today College and has

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Speaker 2: over one million followers on our social media platforms. Were

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Speaker 2: super grateful for Victoria's time today, where we really dive

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Speaker 2: into the nitty gritty. We talk about her mental health

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Speaker 2: journey and how she really struggled to find balance in college,

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Speaker 2: arguably wondering if that was even possible while juggling sports

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Speaker 2: and school and her classes and tutoring and some sort

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Speaker 2: of a social life. And we talk a lot about

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Speaker 2: the ins and outs of therapy, her experience with therapy,

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Speaker 2: also her experience with going on antidepressants then going off

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Speaker 2: of antidepressants, and what that was like for her. Frankly,

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Speaker 2: Victoria's honesty and openness about these difficult topics.

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Speaker 3: It's why I love following her.

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Speaker 2: I'm sure it is why many other people feel the same,

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Speaker 2: and I'm so so excited to bring her story to

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Speaker 2: the show today. Before we get into it this week,

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Speaker 2: I do want to take a moment to give some

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Speaker 2: love to my friends at Beam. I've been talking about

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Speaker 2: Make sure you're following along with Hurdle over at Hurdle Podcast.

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Speaker 2: I'm over at Emily a Body and we've been having

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Speaker 2: a lot of really great conversations over in the Secret

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Speaker 2: Hurdler's Facebook group. A link to get in on that

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Speaker 2: is in the show notes. With that, let's get to hurdling.

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Speaker 1: Today.

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Speaker 2: I am talking with Victoria Garrick. She's a former D

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Speaker 2: one volleyball player, a Ted Talk speaker of Real Pod

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Speaker 2: mental health advocate.

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Speaker 3: Let me just lay down the red carpet for you

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Speaker 3: here I will get.

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Speaker 1: Such imposter Sudermann run away. Thanks so much for coming

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Speaker 1: to hang out with you today. Thank you I'm excited

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Speaker 1: to be here. I feel like we have a lot

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Speaker 1: of mutual friends, so I was excited to get to

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Speaker 1: speak with you.

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Speaker 3: I know.

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Speaker 2: I actually was scrolling through the Real Pod feed before

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Speaker 2: and I was like, we have many mutual friends, at

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Speaker 2: least many mutual guests if we can't actually call them, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: they are l friends all the time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what I thought, as well.

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Speaker 3: Well, I'm excited to have you here. I'll be real

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Speaker 3: with you.

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Speaker 2: My intern, I think it was I'd seen and watched

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Speaker 2: your Ted Talk, but I didn't know that Real Pod

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Speaker 2: existed yet. And my intern, I think two to three

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Speaker 2: months ago maybe, was like, you need to listen to

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Speaker 2: this episode of Real Pod.

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Speaker 3: It's so great.

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Speaker 2: And then I was like, oh my god, me and

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Speaker 2: this woman are just like completely on the same wavelength.

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Speaker 1: Forget me, we're taking the right here. But you're a

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Speaker 1: podcaster and I'm I was listening to a podcast today

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Speaker 1: and I literally felt like, God, I need to be

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Speaker 1: better interviewing, Like I need to be x y Z.

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Speaker 1: Like you ever get in those places where you like

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Speaker 1: you think your show sucks. And so I was listening

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Speaker 1: to Dax Shephard is like my podcast, I mean, isn't

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Speaker 1: he everyone's I mean, he's a freaking brilliant. And I

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Speaker 1: was listening to I'm so I'm so crazy people aren't here.

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Speaker 1: I was listening to an episode where he interviewed a

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Speaker 1: guest that I've interviewed, and I wanted to hear like

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Speaker 1: what questions, Like we had the same blank canvas, what

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Speaker 1: did he do with it that I didn't? And how

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Speaker 1: did he steer the convo in the ways that I

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Speaker 1: didn't and what did he pull from the guest that

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Speaker 1: I didn't? And so I listened to this whole interview,

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Speaker 1: and then I went back and listened to mine, you know,

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Speaker 1: and then you think about my interviews and I'm not

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Speaker 1: and I'm not good, and so.

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Speaker 3: I have hypothesis that you're talking about Alexei Papus.

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Speaker 2: Yes, oh my god, I also, dude.

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Speaker 1: I gotta listen to yours and then I can rank

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Speaker 1: us on which probably.

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Speaker 2: Me it's so funny, but I can totally appreciate that

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Speaker 2: you said that. And I actually was asking myself this

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Speaker 2: as well when the Megan Markle Oprah interview came out,

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Speaker 2: because the resounding feedback on social media was an Oprah,

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Speaker 2: like all hail Oprah. Oprah is amazing. She's a fabulous interviewer.

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Speaker 2: And I think that sometimes the qualities that good interviewers

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Speaker 2: have in common are typically that they're not scared to

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Speaker 2: ask anything, or they're not abiding by some boundary that

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Speaker 2: maybe they set for themselves. So I think that Dax

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Speaker 2: actually is very open with his conversation. He doesn't filter

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Speaker 2: himself at all, and so when he asked questions, there

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Speaker 2: are a lot of the times the same question that

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Speaker 2: the audience wants to know, and he's just not scared

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Speaker 2: to ask it, which was the same with Oprah and

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Speaker 2: Megan Markle Right, I one.

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Speaker 1: Hundred percent agree with you. And speaking of the Alexi interview,

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Speaker 1: you know, obviously he pulled from her this really traumatic

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Speaker 1: memory about her mom, and he made some remark of

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Speaker 1: that sounds like something out of a horror movie, and

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Speaker 1: I just thought, that's something that I think but I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't say. But he says it, and no one thinks twice,

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Speaker 1: and no one's offended by that either. And I've also

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Speaker 1: never been in a position where I've interviewed someone and

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Speaker 1: they've said to me, I'm not comfortable or like I've

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Speaker 1: never even remotely been in a place where I've felt

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Speaker 1: like I've made someone uncomfortable or I've been prying. It

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Speaker 1: would be one thing for you and I to be

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Speaker 1: cautious of pushing the boundaries if someone's if we've done

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Speaker 1: that before, but I haven't, and I'm still extra cautious.

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Speaker 1: So you're right, like, we just need to ask the questions.

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Speaker 1: And even when I get someone on who's a complete

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Speaker 1: open book, I still sometimes, you know, I never want

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Speaker 1: to offend. And I also think I love what Dax

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Speaker 1: does is he you He leads with his vulnerability to

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Speaker 1: open up that space for his guests. And heard him

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Speaker 1: on Tim Ferriss talking about that strategy of like, oh,

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Speaker 1: if I say when I had thoughts of killing myself,

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Speaker 1: then my guest is like, oh you did too well,

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Speaker 1: let me share you mine. And I that was the

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Speaker 1: first time I was like, oh, there's power in sharing

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Speaker 1: my story on an interview with my guest, because formally

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Speaker 1: I thought, I don't want to bring the conversation back

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Speaker 1: to me. I don't want to center myself. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to say oh, yeah when that happened to me,

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Speaker 1: because you know, it doesn't sound good. And then I

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Speaker 1: was like, wait, Dax does that all the time, and

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Speaker 1: I go to Dax's podcast to listen to Dax. And

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Speaker 1: so I've actually been meeting with some mentors in the

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Speaker 1: podcasting industry and kind of asking these questions because no

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Speaker 1: one freaking tells us how to do this. There's no

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Speaker 1: class of podcasting. I'm like, on this network And I

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Speaker 1: email someone at the network, I'm like, what if you

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Speaker 1: have the bigger shows be open to doing like Q

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Speaker 1: and A Night with with some of us And they're like,

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Speaker 1: what are you talking about? They're like, you're on the network.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, what how do I get on this network?

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Speaker 1: Like I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. It

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Speaker 1: Just that to me was like people come to your

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Speaker 1: show to hear you interview the person, Like you know,

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Speaker 1: they're here because they want to hear Emily have a

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Speaker 1: conversation with me. They're not here for me. And so

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Speaker 1: that's I think something that hosts forget is your listeners

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Speaker 1: do want your insight. They do want to hear a

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Speaker 1: little bit of those I statements. Otherwise they could listen

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Speaker 1: to Alexi Poppus on another podcast.

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Speaker 3: It's so true, and I think about this all the time.

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Speaker 2: I remember I used to ask when I was getting

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Speaker 2: started out with podcasting, I was like, if you don't

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Speaker 2: like a podcast host's voice, but you love the guests

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Speaker 2: that they get, do you listen to the show. And

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Speaker 2: I used to try to listen to certain shows that

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Speaker 2: I didn't love the host's approach or literally and this

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Speaker 2: is a little petty, but maybe even like their vocal

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Speaker 2: tone just wasn't my thing. And after a while I

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Speaker 2: just couldn't hang I had to go seek out new podcasts.

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Speaker 2: And the good thing for all of us is that

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Speaker 2: there are bazillions of them.

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Speaker 1: We all get in our own head about our voice

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Speaker 1: and how our voice sounds. I have a tendency to

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Speaker 1: talk really loud and fast. And I actually did an

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Speaker 1: interview with Shami equal Holdsclaw and she has a fantastic

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Speaker 1: mental illness story and it's going to be coming out

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Speaker 1: next week, and one of my editors was like, you

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Speaker 1: are so slow and thought through in this interview, and

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Speaker 1: you did a great job, And in that moment, I

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Speaker 1: was like, Oh, I was like, I feel like that's

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Speaker 1: a backhanded Most of the time you're too loud and.

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Speaker 3: Fast, but that's just like me.

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Speaker 1: That's how that's how I talk. And if you don't

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Speaker 1: like it, you know, then yeah, you don't have to

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Speaker 1: listen to my show. You can listen to Alexi on

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Speaker 1: Emily's podcast and also shout out to Alexi. I feel

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Speaker 1: bad that she's used as our pawn in this example.

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Speaker 1: She's a phenomenal woman and her story is freaking incredible.

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Speaker 1: But that's part of what we do is we have

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Speaker 1: to be president in the interview. And remember where we

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Speaker 1: have a job here and we're steering a conversation. We

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Speaker 1: aren't just at dinner. If we do a great job,

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Speaker 1: our listeners think they were hearing a dinner convo. But

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Speaker 1: that's there's some planning in that from us.

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Speaker 2: It's so true. It's so true. Now, I know that

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Speaker 2: you went to USC. What did you major in a USC?

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Speaker 1: Journalism?

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Speaker 3: Telling?

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Speaker 1: And I thought sports reporting at the time at the time, Okay,

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Speaker 1: so let's rewind it back even before USC, you also

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Speaker 1: played D one volleyball.

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Speaker 3: There were you always really active growing up?

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Speaker 1: Yes, I was a like four sport athlete in middle school.

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Speaker 1: You know, I did basketball, soccer, I ran track, I

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Speaker 1: played volleyball. I was really active as a young kid.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, sports were always big part of my life.

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Speaker 2: Knowing that you loved athletics, how did you decide to

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Speaker 2: lean into one versus the other.

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Speaker 1: It was actually really natural. I never had a sit

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Speaker 1: down moment where I had to make that decision, and

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Speaker 1: I feel really lucky that that was the case for me.

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Speaker 1: My heart naturally chose the sport of volleyball. And basically

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Speaker 1: what happened was eighth grade, I joined a volleyball club team,

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Speaker 1: and you know, because of that, I couldn't play soccer,

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Speaker 1: I think, was like my other favorite sport. And then

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Speaker 1: I wanted to make the ones team the next year,

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Speaker 1: and so that was like my main goal all summer.

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Speaker 1: So it was just like I kind of got caught

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Speaker 1: up in these volleyball goals and this club world, which

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Speaker 1: most voyball players know, the club volleyball world is like

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Speaker 1: a whole world of its own. So that's just kind

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Speaker 1: of what happened. And then eventually I was like, huh,

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Speaker 1: I don't play any other sports.

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Speaker 2: Wait, so talk to if someone doesn't know what that

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Speaker 2: means to play club volleyball, Like, talk me through what

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Speaker 2: that means.

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Speaker 1: It's just this crazy culture, like you've seen dance moms

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Speaker 1: and like toddlers and tiaras, I always joke there should

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Speaker 1: be a reality TV show for volleyball, and like young

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Speaker 1: volleyball players. I mean these convention centers and there's tons

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Speaker 1: of teams and the parents are all involved, and you know,

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Speaker 1: the teams have these names of the ones team, the

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Speaker 1: twos team, and threes team, and the ones team is

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Speaker 1: the best. And you know, you look back and these

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Speaker 1: coaches that coach fifteen year old girls. At the time,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, these coaches are so intense

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Speaker 1: and I want to play for them. And then I

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Speaker 1: grew up and I'm like, you coach fifteen year olds

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Speaker 1: in volleyball and like we thought it was literally the Olympics.

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Speaker 1: So you know the world is just crazy, and the

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Speaker 1: parents get super involved. And remember one year, a mom

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Speaker 1: wouldn't talk to me because I was playing the position

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Speaker 1: her daughter was supposed to play. You know, so that

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Speaker 1: kind of stuff.

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Speaker 2: That kind of stuff you naturally progress into volleyball, and

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Speaker 2: do you have your heart set on USC or how

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Speaker 2: does that play out. I started to think about college

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Speaker 2: volleyball around my sophomore year. I had teammates that were

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Speaker 2: committing and I.

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Speaker 1: Didn't want to stop playing sports, so I just figured

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Speaker 1: you know, my path was to keep going. And my

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Speaker 1: brother golfed at UCLA, so I was used to watching

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Speaker 1: him compete at that level. He was a college athlete

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Speaker 1: with USC. It was one of those just feelings, this

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Speaker 1: gut feeling of I really want to go to this school.

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Speaker 1: I really want to play here. I grew up near Stanford,

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Speaker 1: and you know, I would even go to the games

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Speaker 1: and watch USC. And I wasn't like some Stanford person

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Speaker 1: that was at tested at Stanford that said I don't

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Speaker 1: think I could ever get into Stanford, but you know,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. For some reason, USC was just this

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Speaker 1: school that I really wanted to play at. In my

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Speaker 1: sophomore year, you know, I went on an unofficial visit

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Speaker 1: and I met with the coaches and I got toured around,

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Speaker 1: I met with the team, and that was a assurance that, gosh,

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Speaker 1: this is where I want to play.

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Speaker 2: So at the top of this episode, one of the

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Speaker 2: sections in your multi hyphen it is talking about being

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Speaker 2: a mental health advocate. Talk to me about your mental

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Speaker 2: health going into college. Did you even know about mental

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Speaker 2: health going into college.

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Speaker 1: I knew about mental health, but I really felt like

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Speaker 1: it would not happen to me and that sounds extremely privileged,

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Speaker 1: and it was a very privileged thought process was, Oh,

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Speaker 1: this is something that happens to others, But I'm competitive

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Speaker 1: and I'm strong, and I'm ambitious and I'm smart. You know,

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Speaker 1: I thought that if I kept my grades high and

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Speaker 1: I was a great athlete and I was I didn't

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Speaker 1: have to really listen intently to those conversations because really

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Speaker 1: my own belief in myself, I have thick skin, and

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Speaker 1: I don't cry about a lot of things, and you know,

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Speaker 1: I really bought into that stigma of its weakness, and

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Speaker 1: I'm never going to consider weakness happening to me. So

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Speaker 1: I just really didn't appreciate the role that the mind

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Speaker 1: played in sports and also life.

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Speaker 2: So interesting the way that you just went about talking

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Speaker 2: about that as if mental health categorically is negative. You

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Speaker 2: were like, I didn't think that mental health would happen

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Speaker 2: to me. Is that kind of how you view.

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Speaker 1: It, or oh, my gosh, not anymore. That's just how

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Speaker 1: it was communicated to me at the time from society.

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Speaker 1: It seemed like a weakness and it still does in

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Speaker 1: many facets of life. And you know, that's why one

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Speaker 1: of my passions now is to speak out against that,

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Speaker 1: because the stigma around mental health is what kept me

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Speaker 1: from understanding, accepting, and honoring what I was going through.

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Speaker 1: I was in such denial, so it kept me from

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Speaker 1: facing my issues for a long time, and then it

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Speaker 1: kept me from seeking help. So and the stigma is

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Speaker 1: a bunch of bs. It's not a weakness. It's everyone

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Speaker 1: has a brain, everyone has well being, everyone has mental health.

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Speaker 1: And you know, that's why I am so passionate now

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Speaker 1: about changing the conversation because I bought into that stigma

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Speaker 1: and it inevitably made things worse for me.

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Speaker 2: So give the hurdlers a snapshot of what kind of

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Speaker 2: your day to day looked like as a college athlete at.

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Speaker 1: USC my day to day, and I'll never forget the

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Speaker 1: first time it really set in, like, oh shit, I

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Speaker 1: was picking classes as a freshman and meeting with my

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Speaker 1: academic advisor and she, you know, pulled up this big

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Speaker 1: screen of my schedule and there was this big black

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Speaker 1: box on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday and

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Speaker 1: it was from one to six and it was practice

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Speaker 1: and that was just there and it was okay, let's

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Speaker 1: make classes around this. And I had to fill in

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Speaker 1: like eighteen units, and it was like, Oh, this class

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Speaker 1: sounds exciting. You can it's at two o'clock. Oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: this is what I need for my major. You can

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Speaker 1: it's at four o'clock. And so it was just no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: because of volleyball, and I had to find classes that

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Speaker 1: work in my schedule, which were like the eight ams

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Speaker 1: and the late night classes and maybe it was like

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Speaker 1: the fifth class I wanted to take, not the one

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Speaker 1: I did. And people always joke, you know, athletes get

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Speaker 1: first priority of class. It's like, yeah, because we can

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Speaker 1: only take like a handful of them that fit with

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Speaker 1: our schedule. It's not like we get to choose our

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Speaker 1: favorites and we're in the best classes at the school.

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Speaker 1: So my practice block was one to six, six days

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Speaker 1: a week. I had eighteen units of class like regular students.

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Speaker 1: I had tutoring on top of that, and you know,

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Speaker 1: on top of that, you're meeting with the athletic trainers

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Speaker 1: and you're eating and you're doing homework and you're studying.

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Speaker 1: So there's a lot to fit into the schedule, and

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Speaker 1: I definitely was not prepared at the time to manage

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Speaker 1: it all.

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Speaker 2: When did you join Kappa.

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Speaker 1: My freshman year, I rushed. So that's when I joined

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Speaker 1: Greek life, and I remember it being this big decision

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Speaker 1: because I was bought into volleyball. I really wanted to play.

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Speaker 1: I really wanted to compete. I wanted to be taken seriously,

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Speaker 1: no other girl on the team was in a sorority.

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Speaker 1: And so I remember calling my mom and being like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not rushing. I don't want my teammates or my

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Speaker 1: coach to like think I'm not bought in. And I

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Speaker 1: remember my mom being like, you want to make friends

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Speaker 1: and you want to have your college experience. And I

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Speaker 1: already see how stressed you are. You had to give

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Speaker 1: up your summer. You've been at USU since July, you

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Speaker 1: did summer school, like just rush and make some other friends.

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Speaker 1: And it was just really a sore topic between the

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Speaker 1: two of us. We would like get in arguments about it.

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Speaker 1: And then I remember all my friends who I went

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Speaker 1: to school with were, you know, getting ready for rush,

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Speaker 1: and I felt super left out. And so then I

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Speaker 1: was like, fine, I'll just do it and I'll see

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Speaker 1: how it goes. And yeah, I got into a house

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Speaker 1: and I really wasn't involved. I mean, I went to

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Speaker 1: a few things here and there, But I definitely I

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Speaker 1: don't know. I don't feel like someone who was a

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Speaker 1: part of Greek life.

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Speaker 3: I uh, fun.

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Speaker 2: Fact was a kapa yu gun oh sister sister sister Baronde.

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Speaker 2: I interviewed another kapa once Low Bosworth is a kappa.

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Speaker 2: Oh really, I was just thinking for the sheer fact

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Speaker 2: that you had the time to go through that process

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Speaker 2: on top of the schedule that you just described is

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Speaker 2: mind boggling.

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Speaker 1: I missed a few houses, so I didn't even get

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Speaker 1: a rush at all of them. There were some I

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Speaker 1: never even got to visit because I I work with

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Speaker 1: my schedule, and then there were some I remember going

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Speaker 1: into DJ with wet hair and no makeup, so it

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Speaker 1: was it was like sprinting, sprinting.

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm sure that you were doing a lot of

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Speaker 2: that during your six hour practice block Monday through Saturday,

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Speaker 2: and then you didn't even bring up that you were

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Speaker 2: traveling on the weekends.

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Speaker 1: Yes, that's true. We had two games a week. They

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Speaker 1: were either home games or they were away games, so

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Speaker 1: lots of flights and I still have playing anxiety because

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Speaker 1: of it.

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Speaker 3: Oh my god.

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Speaker 2: Well, a good thing you haven't had to be on

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Speaker 2: a plane much over the past fourteen months.

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Speaker 1: That's true.

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Speaker 3: That is true.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so we've already dove into your busy schedule. It

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Speaker 2: was super hectic. Talk to us about how this started

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Speaker 2: to really affect you and how long until you started

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Speaker 2: to realize that, Wow, I'm starting to feel a little

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Speaker 2: burnt out and I don't have a lot of options

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Speaker 2: in this.

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Speaker 1: I think the burnout didn't happen until my sophomore year.

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Speaker 1: But my freshman year, I think I was just trying

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Speaker 1: to be perfect in all aspects, and I guess, quick,

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Speaker 1: quick side note, there's so many awesome opportunities in being

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Speaker 1: a student athlete, and it's the price you pay for

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Speaker 1: insane luxuries and opportunities. And like, I was an athlete

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Speaker 1: for four years, so clearly there was something about it

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Speaker 1: that I did enjoy. But you know, the realities of

437
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,800
Speaker 1: what you have to endure to be a student athlete

438
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:10,520
Speaker 1: is tough, and I wasn't prepared and I didn't have

439
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:15,760
Speaker 1: the tools to figure it out myself. And so you know, basically,

440
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:21,479
Speaker 1: my freshman year, I slowly started developing anxiety and it

441
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:26,320
Speaker 1: quickly became performance anxiety. I feared making mistakes. I couldn't

442
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,880
Speaker 1: go to bed at night without worrying about what would

443
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,840
Speaker 1: happen the next day at practice. And I just was

444
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,080
Speaker 1: holding back tears in the locker room. It was just

445
00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:38,679
Speaker 1: so much going on. And I am a perfectionist and

446
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:42,000
Speaker 1: I am a hard worker, and I didn't feel like

447
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,120
Speaker 1: I could do everything to the best of my ability.

448
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:47,800
Speaker 1: And I was constantly like running on e and I

449
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,600
Speaker 1: didn't tell anyone about that, you know, because I thought

450
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,960
Speaker 1: they can't know. I'm not confident my coach is going

451
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,560
Speaker 1: to avenge me. We were also the number one team

452
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,040
Speaker 1: in the country, undefeated, like twenty two to oh. I

453
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,199
Speaker 1: was a walk on who found my way on the court,

454
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,719
Speaker 1: Like I didn't want to rock the boat. So it

455
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:08,840
Speaker 1: was always swallow your emotions, bury it, and just figure

456
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:10,920
Speaker 1: it out, you know. I thought that I was weak

457
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,879
Speaker 1: and I just couldn't handle this level of play, and

458
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:16,760
Speaker 1: I didn't want to be exposed for being not good enough,

459
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:20,760
Speaker 1: which was my biggest fear. And then sophomore year was

460
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:25,919
Speaker 1: when I hit that state of burnout where I just

461
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:29,639
Speaker 1: didn't even have the energy to care because I had

462
00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:34,960
Speaker 1: been anxious for like ten months straight. So sophomore year

463
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:41,840
Speaker 1: was really that low robotic placed for me, and that

464
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:46,480
Speaker 1: was my major depressive episode was sophomore year.

465
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:53,480
Speaker 2: What happens during that major depressive episode beside you kind

466
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,800
Speaker 2: of just living your life in a way that feels

467
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:57,920
Speaker 2: like you're on autopilot.

468
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:05,800
Speaker 1: It's really weird to reflect on it because it just

469
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,879
Speaker 1: doesn't feel like me. And I think that's a really

470
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:14,880
Speaker 1: maybe good way to explain depression, is it just doesn't

471
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:21,520
Speaker 1: feel like your yourself, and you know, it's not wanting

472
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,920
Speaker 1: to talk to people, it's not wanting to go anywhere.

473
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:31,560
Speaker 1: It's constantly feeling sad. I definitely didn't recognize myself or

474
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:35,800
Speaker 1: my thoughts. Especially. It was miserable, and I think the

475
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,880
Speaker 1: irony is that I was living my dream like that

476
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:44,159
Speaker 1: was everything I'd wanted. I just was not enjoying my

477
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:44,720
Speaker 1: life at all.

478
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,320
Speaker 2: When you now reflect on that time and think about

479
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,439
Speaker 2: living your dream, is there ever a moment where you

480
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,200
Speaker 2: ask yourself if that was actually the dream or if

481
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:58,400
Speaker 2: that was just something like you painted for yourself that well,

482
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:00,640
Speaker 2: this would look really dope, So this is the.

483
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:05,080
Speaker 1: Thing that I'm going to keep doing. It's a great question. However,

484
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,560
Speaker 1: I do feel confident that that was the dream. I

485
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:12,680
Speaker 1: just like I said, think the biggest disconnect was I

486
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:15,920
Speaker 1: didn't have the tools. If I could go back and

487
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,960
Speaker 1: be a freshman at USC right now, with my twenty

488
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,560
Speaker 1: three year old brain and all the therapy and the

489
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:25,000
Speaker 1: performance mindset work that I've gone through, I think it

490
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,240
Speaker 1: would be the best thing ever. I think I would

491
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,840
Speaker 1: thrive even with a tough coach and you know, whatever

492
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,800
Speaker 1: toxic environment like, I think I could have done it

493
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:36,800
Speaker 1: and had a great time. I just was eighteen and

494
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,320
Speaker 1: I didn't have the tools and I didn't understand. And

495
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,400
Speaker 1: I think everyone has the time in their life where

496
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:47,920
Speaker 1: they become self aware, and my self awareness didn't really

497
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:53,520
Speaker 1: hit nor come to fruition until I was like twenty,

498
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 1: and that was halfway into my college experience. And so

499
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,159
Speaker 1: I just think with college acts athletes and student athletes

500
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:06,359
Speaker 1: in general, there just needs to be more support and

501
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,960
Speaker 1: what would the word be catching it before it happens,

502
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,320
Speaker 1: you know, we need to meet with the freshman athletes

503
00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:16,080
Speaker 1: and say this is going to be stressful. This is

504
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:19,560
Speaker 1: where you go if you're feeling down. This is where

505
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 1: you go. We have people here for you if you're

506
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,680
Speaker 1: feeling XYZ. And it was like I had to go

507
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:29,120
Speaker 1: through it, accept it, then seek out those things as

508
00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:33,280
Speaker 1: opposed to just have that be a part of the process,

509
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:34,160
Speaker 1: If that makes sense.

510
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,080
Speaker 2: I would be remiss if I didn't say that at

511
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:41,479
Speaker 2: twenty four, your world's ahead of where so many other

512
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:46,480
Speaker 2: people are at thirty five, thirty six, thirty seven, fifty.

513
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,640
Speaker 1: Oh you're saying with me right now. Oh yeah, yeah,

514
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,040
Speaker 1: I know what you're saying. Like I get that comment

515
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,320
Speaker 1: a lot, like I'm really mature for my age or

516
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,600
Speaker 1: you know, whatever it is. And I think, yeah, it

517
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,080
Speaker 1: happens for everyone at different times, and it's like maybe

518
00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:02,960
Speaker 1: being thrust into that lifestyle got me there faster. Maybe

519
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:04,919
Speaker 1: if I wasn't a college athlete, I don't think I

520
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 1: would have had any of the epiphanies or like, you know,

521
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:08,879
Speaker 1: I got to a point where I was like, what

522
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 1: is the point of life? And I don't think I

523
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,879
Speaker 1: would have gotten Maybe that was supposed to come for

524
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,679
Speaker 1: me when I had three kids and I didn't like

525
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:19,199
Speaker 1: my job, but that was another reality and instead in

526
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,399
Speaker 1: this life, I was a college athlete and the curtains

527
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,680
Speaker 1: were pulled back for me sooner. I don't know.

528
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,760
Speaker 2: You said that sophomore year was this time where you

529
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,359
Speaker 2: had this hurtle moment of sorts, and then you also

530
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 2: mentioned just this idea of being pretty much rock bottom.

531
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,040
Speaker 2: What does rock bottom truly look like for you when

532
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:37,840
Speaker 2: you're a sophomore?

533
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:46,600
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, rock bottom. And it's interesting too, Emily, because

534
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:55,520
Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes the way I talk about my story,

535
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 1: at least now is very like when I was depressed

536
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:06,199
Speaker 1: or during my depression, but I don't often dive into yeah, well,

537
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:08,840
Speaker 1: let's define what this was for your life, like, let's

538
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,159
Speaker 1: go an extra layer. And I think part of that

539
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:16,280
Speaker 1: is because of that being my own trauma, you know,

540
00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:20,560
Speaker 1: And it's hard to think about it, but I appreciate

541
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:24,480
Speaker 1: it because I think it's important that when we discuss

542
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:29,200
Speaker 1: what these struggles are, we do justice to them, you know,

543
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:33,080
Speaker 1: if we're comfortable, we don't sugarcoat them. And my depression

544
00:28:33,119 --> 00:28:41,880
Speaker 1: experience was honestly getting to a point where I was

545
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:49,600
Speaker 1: fantasizing about swerving into traffic. I came home crying to

546
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:53,920
Speaker 1: my roommate at the time, saying I want to die

547
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:58,400
Speaker 1: even thinking of it. Now, you know, I've come so

548
00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:03,400
Speaker 1: far and it's like I don't feel at all aligned

549
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:09,240
Speaker 1: to that mindset, but it's a really dark time and yeah,

550
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:12,840
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm even struggling to describe it because it's

551
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:19,720
Speaker 1: just one of those things where you can't put words

552
00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:22,080
Speaker 1: to a feeling. It's such an ugly feeling.

553
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:27,520
Speaker 2: And I think that sometimes during our most traumatic moments,

554
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:31,680
Speaker 2: we can only think of that feeling and we lose

555
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:36,800
Speaker 2: a lot of the details about specific scenarios or situations.

556
00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:40,600
Speaker 2: Like there are aspects of my story and my hurdle

557
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:43,600
Speaker 2: moments back in college where I can describe like every

558
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,280
Speaker 2: small detail, but then there are other times when I

559
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:51,040
Speaker 2: think about just feeling so alone, feeling so unhappy, feeling

560
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,040
Speaker 2: so self conscious, and I can't describe to you the

561
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,200
Speaker 2: first thing about the person that was sitting next to

562
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 2: me when I felt that way, All I could tell

563
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:01,120
Speaker 2: you was that I was stuck in this whole and

564
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 2: I needed to find a rope to pull myself out

565
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:03,560
Speaker 2: of it.

566
00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:09,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I completely agree with you. It's there's there's things

567
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:12,440
Speaker 1: for me where I can like remember, like I remember

568
00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:17,360
Speaker 1: that night coming home to my roommate vividly, but then

569
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:21,400
Speaker 1: there's other things that just seem blurry, Like it's like

570
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:24,200
Speaker 1: I remember like my five worst days from that year,

571
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:26,240
Speaker 1: but it's like I don't remember the year, and I've

572
00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:29,120
Speaker 1: heard people say, like, sometimes when you go through something

573
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:33,600
Speaker 1: traumatic personally, you have struggle. You struggle to remember it

574
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,280
Speaker 1: because it's like you've a subconsciously blocked out the pain.

575
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:47,680
Speaker 2: Taking a break from today's episode to give some love

576
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577
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578
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579
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580
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581
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Speaker 3: To enjoy it, so I waste less food.

582
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:12,440
Speaker 2: Let me tell you the first thing I did in advance. Okay,

583
00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:14,440
Speaker 2: maybe not the very first thing, but one of the

584
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:17,320
Speaker 2: first things that I did in advance of my upcoming

585
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:21,640
Speaker 2: move was order Daily Harvest to arrive the day after

586
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Speaker 2: I did. It's just one less thing for me to

587
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588
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Speaker 2: cycle of ordering out.

589
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Speaker 3: I know that by ordering.

590
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591
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592
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596
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597
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598
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599
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601
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602
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603
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604
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605
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606
00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:34,920
Speaker 2: dollars off your first box. When I reflect on a

607
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:38,960
Speaker 2: lot of my years before eighteen, I certainly have sporadic memories.

608
00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:42,880
Speaker 2: But at sixteen my parents got separated, and so between

609
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,800
Speaker 2: sixteen and eighteen, when I think about so many things

610
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:47,840
Speaker 2: that happened in my junior and senior year I was

611
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:49,760
Speaker 2: in high school at the time, I just have the

612
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:52,640
Speaker 2: most sporadic recollection of so many of the things that

613
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:55,880
Speaker 2: were going on. Because I was unhappy, I was lonely,

614
00:32:56,400 --> 00:33:00,760
Speaker 2: I had gained thirty pounds, I felt uncomfortable my body.

615
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:04,880
Speaker 2: So many things my self confidence was absolute crap. Like

616
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:09,040
Speaker 2: so when I look back on that time, it's just

617
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,760
Speaker 2: one big blur, And all I can tell you is that, like, well,

618
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:13,360
Speaker 2: that was a really hard time for me.

619
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:14,320
Speaker 3: That was it?

620
00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 1: Right, right? I completely understand.

621
00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 2: So I know that you have spoken out before about

622
00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:21,920
Speaker 2: disordered eating.

623
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 1: When was that something that affected you? That was a

624
00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:29,280
Speaker 1: part of my freshman year. It was a mix of

625
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:34,080
Speaker 1: being so anxious and developing this performance anxiety and also

626
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:38,280
Speaker 1: trying to diet and lose weight and kind of resist

627
00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:40,840
Speaker 1: the changes that were happening into my body as I

628
00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:45,440
Speaker 1: was training as a do You Want athlete, and the two,

629
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 1: like my anxiety and my eating disorder became like best

630
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:54,880
Speaker 1: friends because I was hyper focused on restricting and not

631
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,600
Speaker 1: eating a lot so I could lose weight, but then

632
00:33:57,640 --> 00:34:01,600
Speaker 1: I would be so anxious stressed that my only way

633
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:04,560
Speaker 1: to cope became food and that was like my comfort.

634
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,880
Speaker 1: And so freshman year I got into this bad cycle

635
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:13,000
Speaker 1: of restricting and binging, and you know, I have memories

636
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:18,520
Speaker 1: of like walking into practice and grabbing like five power

637
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:21,960
Speaker 1: bars to eat in a like a fifteen twenty minute

638
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 1: period before practice because I was just so nervous about

639
00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:29,239
Speaker 1: practice that I was just eating that really was jump

640
00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:36,040
Speaker 1: started by the anxiety, and then the binging only continued

641
00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:39,360
Speaker 1: because I was so stressed and that was like my

642
00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:40,640
Speaker 1: one comfort.

643
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:43,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I mean I can definitely relate on that too.

644
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:46,640
Speaker 2: I feel like food for me, despite having gone through

645
00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:49,560
Speaker 2: this deep transformation for me personally losing a ton of

646
00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:52,960
Speaker 2: weight in college learning to learning how to develop a

647
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,520
Speaker 2: better relationship with food, to this day, when I'm stressed,

648
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:59,200
Speaker 2: when I'm struggling, the first thing that I'm going to

649
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:02,400
Speaker 2: do nine times out of ten is walk into the

650
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:05,800
Speaker 2: kitchen and look for something to find some sort of comfort,

651
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:09,080
Speaker 2: because that brings me back to my childhood and family

652
00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:12,000
Speaker 2: and happiness and so many things that I'm sure that

653
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,440
Speaker 2: maybe you too even associate eating with.

654
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:18,600
Speaker 1: I definitely used to that used to be my comfort.

655
00:35:18,719 --> 00:35:22,280
Speaker 1: I do feel like I've done a lot of work

656
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:26,719
Speaker 1: to where I don't think i've I definitely have not

657
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:31,080
Speaker 1: had anything out of the ordinary in terms of emotional

658
00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:34,440
Speaker 1: eating for a few years now. Of course, you know

659
00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:37,279
Speaker 1: there's instances where I'm not hungry, but I eat the

660
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:40,959
Speaker 1: cake because I'm happy, or I'm you know, eating more

661
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:44,400
Speaker 1: of XYZ because of an emotion. But I think for

662
00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:48,960
Speaker 1: the most part, I've done the inner work to where

663
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:52,200
Speaker 1: I understand what I'm seeking and that food is not

664
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:55,200
Speaker 1: the answer to that problem. And also because I don't

665
00:35:55,239 --> 00:36:00,399
Speaker 1: restrict at all, I don't have that urge to get

666
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:02,040
Speaker 1: all the food in at once because I'm going to

667
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:03,320
Speaker 1: take it away again. I'm not going to take it

668
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:04,840
Speaker 1: away again. And that's like a trust I've had to

669
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:05,600
Speaker 1: build with myself.

670
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,880
Speaker 2: So you mentioned your senior year of college that you

671
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:12,080
Speaker 2: finally had more time for trying out new things, maybe

672
00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:14,080
Speaker 2: spending more time with Greek life. But we have kind

673
00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 2: of not touched on yet what happened junior year. Junior year,

674
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:22,560
Speaker 2: you're hopefully on the upswing, trying to counteract all of

675
00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:25,480
Speaker 2: those dark feelings that you were having when you were sophomore.

676
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:27,600
Speaker 2: What happens when you get to your junior year.

677
00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:34,760
Speaker 1: Well, the interesting thing is, so I think I should

678
00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:37,360
Speaker 1: give some color into this. I would say, like freshman

679
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:43,520
Speaker 1: year summer and then into the start of like sophomore preseason,

680
00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:46,600
Speaker 1: I was like going down so and then I started

681
00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:48,600
Speaker 1: seeing a therapist, I started getting on meds, and then

682
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,440
Speaker 1: it was like the end my sophomore spring is when

683
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:53,840
Speaker 1: I get my TED talk, which I still was not

684
00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:56,000
Speaker 1: well during that time, and I think people sometimes look

685
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 1: at that ted talk and they're like, oh, you know,

686
00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:01,040
Speaker 1: this is your finished product. I'm like, no, this is

687
00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:04,200
Speaker 1: me on into deepressants, hiding a BINGB. So I gave

688
00:37:04,239 --> 00:37:06,160
Speaker 1: its head talk and I didn't the dressing disorder. So

689
00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:07,920
Speaker 1: it was already still ashamed of that dark problem I

690
00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:10,600
Speaker 1: was dealing with. And then so my junior year, I

691
00:37:10,719 --> 00:37:14,960
Speaker 1: wasn't as depressed, but I was certainly not well. And

692
00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:20,719
Speaker 1: you know, junior year, I just think truly felt for me,

693
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:25,239
Speaker 1: like the last the last go at it. I did

694
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,440
Speaker 1: not think I would be able to do a senior season.

695
00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:30,919
Speaker 1: I didn't want to do a senior season. My junior year,

696
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:33,080
Speaker 1: we were in an Elite eight game. We were a

697
00:37:33,239 --> 00:37:35,920
Speaker 1: point away from a Final four, one point to go

698
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:37,719
Speaker 1: to the Final four, and I was in the game

699
00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:41,759
Speaker 1: thinking to myself, I don't care how this ends. I

700
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,759
Speaker 1: don't want to be here, Like I remember having that

701
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:45,880
Speaker 1: moment in the game, like holding back tears of like

702
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:48,880
Speaker 1: I just want this game to end, and I would

703
00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:52,800
Speaker 1: want to be anywhere but here, And like even today

704
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:56,040
Speaker 1: it breaks my heart to think that I got to

705
00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:59,480
Speaker 1: a place athletically that I dreamed of getting to like

706
00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:02,279
Speaker 1: a point away from a final four, and that I

707
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:05,560
Speaker 1: was in that position twice in my career, and this

708
00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:08,400
Speaker 1: second time, I didn't even want to be there competing.

709
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:12,960
Speaker 1: And that was like, okay, we've lost all sense of self,

710
00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:17,360
Speaker 1: Like this is not this You're not yourself. And so,

711
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:20,799
Speaker 1: you know, the game ended and I just thought like

712
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,520
Speaker 1: I'm not going back. You know, I'm going on Christmas

713
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:25,439
Speaker 1: break and I don't want to return to the team.

714
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:27,600
Speaker 1: And you know, at first I proposed it to the

715
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:30,160
Speaker 1: athletic department as just a mental health leave. I was

716
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:32,040
Speaker 1: just like I need some time, but in my head,

717
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:33,840
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm never coming back. But this was

718
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:36,560
Speaker 1: just like my soft out. And so I actually took

719
00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:40,480
Speaker 1: I think two months off of maybe two to three

720
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:42,760
Speaker 1: months off of volleyball. I was just going to school.

721
00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:45,840
Speaker 1: I wasn't a part of the team really, But then

722
00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:50,280
Speaker 1: we there was a coaching change and I was getting

723
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:53,120
Speaker 1: better and I had two months of normal life and

724
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:56,640
Speaker 1: no practice and I frolloped through campus and I really

725
00:38:56,680 --> 00:39:00,239
Speaker 1: felt like I was able to work on myself that

726
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:04,719
Speaker 1: because the whole dynamic of the team was going to

727
00:39:04,719 --> 00:39:07,800
Speaker 1: be different, like there was a new entire new coaching staff.

728
00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:10,200
Speaker 1: You know, I was feeling better. I was reading off

729
00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:16,920
Speaker 1: my medication. I was looking at it like, Okay, there's August, September, October, November, December,

730
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:19,920
Speaker 1: Like there's five months, like five months of volleyball, you

731
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:22,080
Speaker 1: can can you finish out your senior year? And so

732
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:23,960
Speaker 1: I call my parents and I was like, I think

733
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:26,480
Speaker 1: I'm going to go back to the team and if

734
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,080
Speaker 1: I hate it all, quit Like I was a walk on,

735
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:29,880
Speaker 1: I could leave any day I wanted to. So I

736
00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:31,279
Speaker 1: was like, I'll go back and if I don't like

737
00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:34,040
Speaker 1: it after two weeks, I will quit. And I went

738
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 1: back and it was taught as hell. And I'm also

739
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:40,480
Speaker 1: not a quitter. Look, if someone walks away from college sports,

740
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:44,040
Speaker 1: I completely respect that. Like once I stepped foot in

741
00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:47,480
Speaker 1: the gym for senior season, it wasn't really a reality

742
00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:49,360
Speaker 1: for me to leave halfway. I was kind of like

743
00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:52,960
Speaker 1: committing to the five months. So yeah, I finished out

744
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:55,919
Speaker 1: my senior year and it was definitely my most confident year,

745
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:57,960
Speaker 1: I would say, in terms of my mental health and

746
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:00,960
Speaker 1: playing volleyball. They were all my years, says the college Athlete,

747
00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:02,719
Speaker 1: were tough, but I think by my senior year I

748
00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:05,080
Speaker 1: had more tools and tricks, and I was no longer

749
00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:08,040
Speaker 1: going to therapy because I didn't need to. And you know,

750
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:10,080
Speaker 1: that was a special year for me, and I look

751
00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:14,280
Speaker 1: back now and I'm so grateful that I played it something.

752
00:40:14,560 --> 00:40:16,319
Speaker 2: The first thing that I want to double click on

753
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:21,920
Speaker 2: is you going on meds. When you first spoke with

754
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:27,800
Speaker 2: someone about going on medication, what was your thought process,

755
00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:28,720
Speaker 2: gut reaction?

756
00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:30,080
Speaker 3: Where did you stand on that.

757
00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:37,080
Speaker 1: I'm really weird when it comes to external help, Like

758
00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:39,359
Speaker 1: I don't even drink coffee because I'm howme on energy

759
00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:42,400
Speaker 1: is what I like to say, Like any artificial help

760
00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:45,759
Speaker 1: to my personality. I'm not a fan. I don't even

761
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:48,160
Speaker 1: like laughing gas at the dentist's office. I'm not a

762
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,120
Speaker 1: fan of drugs and alcohol. I mean, like, of course

763
00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:51,839
Speaker 1: I drink with my friends and whatnot, and I don't

764
00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:55,000
Speaker 1: shame others, but like I like being myself. Like if

765
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:56,799
Speaker 1: I have a back injury, I'm like, I don't want

766
00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:58,880
Speaker 1: the app bill. I'm feeling my pain, you know, so

767
00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:02,239
Speaker 1: for me to it on meds, natural birth for you?

768
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:03,399
Speaker 3: Natural birth?

769
00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:06,160
Speaker 1: No no, no, no, that's the one where I will

770
00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:09,759
Speaker 1: dose me up. Baby. But like I don't know why

771
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:11,719
Speaker 1: I like, you know, I don't even drink coffee is

772
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:13,919
Speaker 1: the best example I can give. So when I went

773
00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:16,400
Speaker 1: on had to go on meds, you know, it was

774
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:19,359
Speaker 1: tough for me to fathom. But I also was like,

775
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:22,160
Speaker 1: I don't want to feel this way anymore, So if

776
00:41:22,200 --> 00:41:25,120
Speaker 1: this is going to help me, I was okay with it.

777
00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:28,480
Speaker 1: And I realized that, you know, like any injury, you know,

778
00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:32,640
Speaker 1: you can't just think stitches and hope that your cut heels.

779
00:41:32,719 --> 00:41:36,440
Speaker 1: You need external help. You need the doctor to do XYZ.

780
00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:39,279
Speaker 1: You can't just not get the X ray and think

781
00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:41,120
Speaker 1: it's going to get better. And I think that's a

782
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:43,960
Speaker 1: big disconnect with mental health injuries and visible injuries, is

783
00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:47,359
Speaker 1: that you know we can fix them. We can't. There

784
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:50,320
Speaker 1: is an injury like you need the medicine, you need

785
00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:55,319
Speaker 1: the additional help because it's not going to heal by

786
00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:59,800
Speaker 1: itself sometimes. And this was where I had to accept

787
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:02,759
Speaker 1: the same way I would need stitches in X ray

788
00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:06,600
Speaker 1: or the doctor's hands on my foot, the same way

789
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:09,000
Speaker 1: I need this medicine to go into my brain to

790
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:12,719
Speaker 1: work on the chemistry and the chemicals because they're out

791
00:42:12,719 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 1: of whack right now.

792
00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:19,440
Speaker 2: When you first went on it were you surprised or

793
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,040
Speaker 2: satisfied with.

794
00:42:21,239 --> 00:42:23,840
Speaker 3: How you felt at that beginning phase.

795
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:30,279
Speaker 1: The thing about meds is it's not the answer. It's

796
00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:33,080
Speaker 1: not a quick fix. And if people approach it like, oh,

797
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:35,040
Speaker 1: this is a pill to make my depression or my

798
00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:37,279
Speaker 1: anxiety go away, you're going to be let down because

799
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,440
Speaker 1: that's not really what it does. I felt like all

800
00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:44,479
Speaker 1: that my meds did for me were keep me from

801
00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:49,800
Speaker 1: hitting e on my mental fuel tank, Like I would

802
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:54,319
Speaker 1: still drop low, but like once I got to a baseline,

803
00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:57,160
Speaker 1: there was no like plummeting further. So I just feel

804
00:42:57,160 --> 00:43:01,640
Speaker 1: like it helped me sustain a state I could manage

805
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:05,600
Speaker 1: my feelings. But they didn't make me happy. And they're

806
00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:08,440
Speaker 1: not supposed to, you know, they're supposed to neutralize or

807
00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:11,960
Speaker 1: help regulate, and they're also supposed to be used in

808
00:43:12,719 --> 00:43:15,839
Speaker 1: hand with doing other work to better our mental health.

809
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:20,279
Speaker 1: And I was seeing a psychologist weekly at school and

810
00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:23,000
Speaker 1: having the meds, so, you know, I think the full

811
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:27,920
Speaker 1: scope of it's an aspect of recovering from a mental

812
00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:30,840
Speaker 1: health issue, you know, at least in my experience. And

813
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:33,759
Speaker 1: you know, there are people who if you are bipolar

814
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:36,160
Speaker 1: or you have another mental illness, you might need meds

815
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:38,400
Speaker 1: might be a part of your routine for life, whereas

816
00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:41,239
Speaker 1: for me, I was on antidepressants that were for a

817
00:43:41,280 --> 00:43:45,279
Speaker 1: period which was this singular depressive episode, and then I

818
00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:46,399
Speaker 1: was able to wean off of them.

819
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:50,640
Speaker 2: Do you remember anything during that time when you were

820
00:43:50,719 --> 00:43:54,480
Speaker 2: in those moments as you referred to as like baseline,

821
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:57,360
Speaker 2: which actually I would say maybe is a little lower

822
00:43:57,400 --> 00:43:58,400
Speaker 2: than baseline.

823
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,600
Speaker 3: Do you have any specific mea from.

824
00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:02,560
Speaker 2: That time that you look back on and you were like,

825
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,439
Speaker 2: that was that was the worst part.

826
00:44:04,960 --> 00:44:08,239
Speaker 1: I think my worst memories are like past the baseline,

827
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:13,000
Speaker 1: But I think in general, just being at that neutral

828
00:44:13,040 --> 00:44:17,080
Speaker 1: place as you're just numb, like you're not enjoying your life.

829
00:44:16,719 --> 00:44:21,839
Speaker 1: I just felt numb. I just felt like I was

830
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:26,680
Speaker 1: going through the motions with no care or enthusiasm. I

831
00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:28,920
Speaker 1: was just doing what I was told to and showing

832
00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:31,520
Speaker 1: up where I needed to. And I think that is

833
00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:35,120
Speaker 1: the most excruciating, is just it sucks to wake up

834
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:37,640
Speaker 1: and want the day to end.

835
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:40,480
Speaker 2: When you decided to go off the medication ralely with

836
00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:45,919
Speaker 2: the support of your psychiatrist, were you successful and doing

837
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:47,400
Speaker 2: that the first time or did that take you a

838
00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:49,680
Speaker 2: few times to really kind of get your feedback under

839
00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:52,440
Speaker 2: you I was successful.

840
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:54,680
Speaker 1: I did do it with you know, of course the

841
00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:58,080
Speaker 1: guidance and approval of my psychiatrist and my psychologist, and

842
00:44:58,200 --> 00:45:01,600
Speaker 1: I did it the correct way with you know, three

843
00:45:01,719 --> 00:45:04,080
Speaker 1: fourths of the pills and then half of the pills,

844
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:06,319
Speaker 1: and then one fourth of the pills. And I was

845
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:09,400
Speaker 1: also in an environment where it was designed for me

846
00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:12,080
Speaker 1: to flourish. I was back with my family. I had

847
00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:15,480
Speaker 1: no requirements to be a part of anything volleyball related,

848
00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:18,919
Speaker 1: no practices, no meetings, no high pressure. That was also

849
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 1: an important factor was I took myself out of an

850
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:25,640
Speaker 1: environment that was pretty much the source of all of

851
00:45:25,680 --> 00:45:29,160
Speaker 1: my stressors and into an environment where there weren's any

852
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:34,120
Speaker 1: and look, no one was like hurting me or verbally

853
00:45:34,200 --> 00:45:38,040
Speaker 1: abusing me, Like no one is that fault. I just

854
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:44,320
Speaker 1: was not mentally able to be well in just this environment.

855
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:47,799
Speaker 1: And it could have been as positive as possible, but

856
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:49,480
Speaker 1: for some reason it wasn't clicking for me, and I

857
00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:52,720
Speaker 1: realized in that Elite eight match, I need to remove

858
00:45:52,760 --> 00:45:55,680
Speaker 1: myself from this, and so, you know, I had to

859
00:45:55,719 --> 00:45:59,719
Speaker 1: make that decision. And it's tough, and it's sad, and

860
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:04,200
Speaker 1: it you're letting people down. But ultimately, if you're going

861
00:46:04,239 --> 00:46:08,080
Speaker 1: to change the trajectory of your mental health journey, you're

862
00:46:08,120 --> 00:46:10,960
Speaker 1: gonna have to make a decision that puts yourself first.

863
00:46:11,320 --> 00:46:15,040
Speaker 1: And people don't like to put themselves first, but sometimes

864
00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:17,600
Speaker 1: we have to. And the people that really support you

865
00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:19,560
Speaker 1: and love you and want you to flourish in life

866
00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:23,320
Speaker 1: will be clapping for you as you put yourself first.

867
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:26,080
Speaker 1: And you know, so I took myself out of that environment,

868
00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:30,080
Speaker 1: put myself in a place where I could get better.

869
00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:35,000
Speaker 2: You mentioned the Ted talk. Talk to me about how

870
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:36,360
Speaker 2: the Ted talk happened.

871
00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:41,160
Speaker 1: Oh God, how much time do we have. I'll give

872
00:46:41,160 --> 00:46:43,680
Speaker 1: you a really, really short story. So I was journalists

873
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:46,520
Speaker 1: a major, and I love storytelling, and so as I

874
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:48,480
Speaker 1: was going through all this stuff, I would, of course

875
00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:51,000
Speaker 1: like I'm a big notes person in my phone. Like

876
00:46:51,040 --> 00:46:52,839
Speaker 1: I'll be like, I'm on a plane right now, it's

877
00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:55,520
Speaker 1: April second, and these are my five best friends, and

878
00:46:55,560 --> 00:46:57,239
Speaker 1: these are my biggest problems. Like I write, I write

879
00:46:57,280 --> 00:46:59,960
Speaker 1: down everything. So I had written down some stuff about

880
00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:02,600
Speaker 1: how I was feeling in my life, and I wanted

881
00:47:02,640 --> 00:47:06,520
Speaker 1: to talk about it because I didn't want anyone to

882
00:47:06,560 --> 00:47:08,160
Speaker 1: feel that the same way as that I did, and

883
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:12,319
Speaker 1: so long story short, Ted X comes to USC. It

884
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:14,799
Speaker 1: was like fate. I saw the email. I had forty

885
00:47:14,840 --> 00:47:16,799
Speaker 1: eight hours to send in my application, something like twenty

886
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:19,760
Speaker 1: four to forty hours. I applied, I got called back,

887
00:47:19,880 --> 00:47:22,440
Speaker 1: I got cut. Then I got called back at like

888
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:24,040
Speaker 1: eight o'clock at night because they were like, we want

889
00:47:24,040 --> 00:47:25,759
Speaker 1: to see you one more time. Then I got the talk,

890
00:47:25,800 --> 00:47:28,480
Speaker 1: and then the talk went viral, so it was crazy.

891
00:47:28,800 --> 00:47:32,200
Speaker 3: So ultimately it was crazy. So let's then fast forward.

892
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:35,200
Speaker 2: Now we're like past the part where you know you

893
00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:38,040
Speaker 2: finish your senior season. I mean, in all honesty, this

894
00:47:38,120 --> 00:47:41,160
Speaker 2: is only a few years ago. Now when you are

895
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:45,120
Speaker 2: graduating college. What is it that you feel like is

896
00:47:45,239 --> 00:47:47,680
Speaker 2: your next step? What is it that you feel like

897
00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:49,080
Speaker 2: is your beckoning purpose?

898
00:47:50,600 --> 00:47:56,520
Speaker 1: Well, I was really lucky to get a taste of

899
00:47:56,560 --> 00:48:00,960
Speaker 1: that still being a student my senior year school, I

900
00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:06,239
Speaker 1: started working. So my senior year I was going to

901
00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:10,280
Speaker 1: schools to speak, like during the semester, the spring semester,

902
00:48:10,480 --> 00:48:14,839
Speaker 1: and I was creating YouTube videos and gating subscribers and

903
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:18,920
Speaker 1: creating a website. So I was still in school as

904
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:21,400
Speaker 1: like things were picking up and it was kind of

905
00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:23,719
Speaker 1: my sophomore year after the talk, and I wrote this

906
00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:27,120
Speaker 1: article as well on body image that got sent around,

907
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:30,600
Speaker 1: and so throughout my time at SC I was kind

908
00:48:30,680 --> 00:48:35,440
Speaker 1: of finding my voice and realizing I wanted to connect

909
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:38,600
Speaker 1: with other student athletes and be a part of this change.

910
00:48:39,040 --> 00:48:42,560
Speaker 1: And so it was really a seamless transition for me

911
00:48:42,640 --> 00:48:45,040
Speaker 1: because I was at a place where I didn't have

912
00:48:45,120 --> 00:48:49,680
Speaker 1: to apply for jobs, and so, you know, that was

913
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:53,200
Speaker 1: a blessing obviously, because a lot of times people struggle

914
00:48:53,239 --> 00:48:56,440
Speaker 1: with purpose when they shift from being an athlete to

915
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:58,960
Speaker 1: the real world. But I felt like I'd found mine

916
00:48:59,040 --> 00:49:02,840
Speaker 1: through my experience as an athlete, So I was grateful

917
00:49:02,880 --> 00:49:08,360
Speaker 1: to go from spot directly into what was next.

918
00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:12,400
Speaker 2: For someone who hears you talking about your mental health

919
00:49:12,440 --> 00:49:16,880
Speaker 2: journey and feels as though maybe seeking help isn't in

920
00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:21,120
Speaker 2: their wheelhouse right now, but they still want to get better,

921
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:23,480
Speaker 2: what are some of the first pieces of advice that

922
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:25,800
Speaker 2: you offer to them.

923
00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:29,640
Speaker 1: Well, that's a great question, because obviously, accessibility to mental

924
00:49:29,680 --> 00:49:33,200
Speaker 1: health resources is a huge issue. And I was extremely

925
00:49:34,080 --> 00:49:37,080
Speaker 1: lucky that I went to a university where when I

926
00:49:37,120 --> 00:49:39,359
Speaker 1: did say hi, I'm depressed, you know, they rolled out

927
00:49:39,360 --> 00:49:41,279
Speaker 1: the red carpet and I got the psychologists and the

928
00:49:41,320 --> 00:49:44,279
Speaker 1: psychiatrist and the meds and the appointments, and you know,

929
00:49:44,400 --> 00:49:47,240
Speaker 1: that was an option for me because of the school

930
00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:49,439
Speaker 1: I went to, and there's lots of schools that don't

931
00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:52,000
Speaker 1: have that, So you know, that's a huge issue, number one,

932
00:49:52,120 --> 00:49:54,600
Speaker 1: And that's something that at the Hidden Opponent, the nonprofit

933
00:49:54,640 --> 00:49:57,239
Speaker 1: I founded, that's one of our goals is to try

934
00:49:57,239 --> 00:50:00,200
Speaker 1: to work towards actual change so that that does have

935
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:02,640
Speaker 1: be an issue. If you are struggling with your mental

936
00:50:02,640 --> 00:50:05,400
Speaker 1: health and you don't have access to that psychologist or

937
00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:08,440
Speaker 1: that professional, you still have access to people in your

938
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:10,880
Speaker 1: life that love and care about you, and you definitely

939
00:50:11,040 --> 00:50:13,880
Speaker 1: definitely should tell someone in your life. Just open up

940
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:15,799
Speaker 1: to anyone about what you're going through. You don't have

941
00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 1: to suffer in silence. You know, you never know what

942
00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:21,839
Speaker 1: can happen or what can come from just opening up

943
00:50:21,880 --> 00:50:24,880
Speaker 1: to one person that you know. And we all have

944
00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:28,239
Speaker 1: people that we talk to on a daily basis, So

945
00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:30,879
Speaker 1: number one, please let someone in on what you're going through.

946
00:50:31,239 --> 00:50:35,560
Speaker 1: And then secondly, and this is definitely not a substitute

947
00:50:35,600 --> 00:50:38,640
Speaker 1: for personal one on one work with a counselor, but

948
00:50:38,719 --> 00:50:43,480
Speaker 1: we live in a generation where there are thousands of

949
00:50:43,600 --> 00:50:49,000
Speaker 1: elite psychologists, therapists, counselors posting their teachings and their philosophies

950
00:50:49,080 --> 00:50:53,320
Speaker 1: for free on the internet. There are hundreds of Instagram accounts,

951
00:50:53,480 --> 00:50:58,520
Speaker 1: books that cost fifteen dollars, websites, podcasts of psychologists who

952
00:50:58,560 --> 00:51:02,000
Speaker 1: are essentially leading group therapy for free. So I would say,

953
00:51:02,760 --> 00:51:05,280
Speaker 1: do a deep dive look into some of those things.

954
00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:07,920
Speaker 1: You know, a variety of the work I do on

955
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:11,239
Speaker 1: myself now isn't meeting with a therapist, but it's these

956
00:51:11,280 --> 00:51:13,680
Speaker 1: books I read in, these psychologists I listen to, and

957
00:51:13,719 --> 00:51:16,160
Speaker 1: their work that I devour on a daily basis. So

958
00:51:16,200 --> 00:51:19,040
Speaker 1: I would also say, you know, don't sleep on the

959
00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:22,480
Speaker 1: free resources that are out there, and then of course

960
00:51:22,560 --> 00:51:27,160
Speaker 1: going to those places like the JED website, the National

961
00:51:27,160 --> 00:51:30,239
Speaker 1: Alliance from an Illness website who lists out some of

962
00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:32,319
Speaker 1: those resources that are available to the public as well.

963
00:51:33,520 --> 00:51:36,080
Speaker 2: Obviously, I'm going to ask you if you have a

964
00:51:36,320 --> 00:51:39,680
Speaker 2: hit list, so to speak, or any recommendations to kick

965
00:51:39,760 --> 00:51:43,319
Speaker 2: off the Hurdler's journey and perhaps looking into some of

966
00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:44,719
Speaker 2: these free mental health resources.

967
00:51:46,120 --> 00:51:49,760
Speaker 1: Yes, so you mentioned Gervai earlier, so obviously doctor Michael

968
00:51:49,760 --> 00:51:52,759
Speaker 1: Gervai is fantastic. If any of you are athletes, are

969
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:55,040
Speaker 1: high performers, just looking to get a grip on your

970
00:51:55,080 --> 00:51:57,520
Speaker 1: anxiety and your thoughts and yourself talk. He has a

971
00:51:57,520 --> 00:52:00,880
Speaker 1: podcast called Finding Mastery which is free, and his Instagram account,

972
00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:05,960
Speaker 1: Doctor Mike Gervais, free to follow. Also, doctor Nicole Lepera

973
00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:09,880
Speaker 1: is a psychologist who focuses more on trauma and in

974
00:52:09,920 --> 00:52:13,759
Speaker 1: her enlightenment, so she has an Instagram account called The

975
00:52:13,760 --> 00:52:17,160
Speaker 1: Elistic Psychologist. She has a podcast that just came out

976
00:52:17,200 --> 00:52:20,000
Speaker 1: called I Think Self Healer Circle where she's doing a

977
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:21,920
Speaker 1: discussion of the chapters of her book. So if you

978
00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:23,839
Speaker 1: can't even afford her book, you can listen to our

979
00:52:23,840 --> 00:52:26,520
Speaker 1: podcast where she's doing breakdowns. She also has a YouTube

980
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:30,160
Speaker 1: channel where she has a whiteboard and she walks through concepts.

981
00:52:30,239 --> 00:52:31,879
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm literally in therapy as I watch

982
00:52:31,920 --> 00:52:33,760
Speaker 1: those videos, So I think those are two great places

983
00:52:33,760 --> 00:52:34,120
Speaker 1: to start.

984
00:52:35,120 --> 00:52:38,960
Speaker 2: You also mentioned that you and these are your words,

985
00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:42,080
Speaker 2: no longer needed therapy anymore when you were a senior.

986
00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:44,680
Speaker 2: I love if you could just for a moment, kind

987
00:52:44,680 --> 00:52:48,800
Speaker 2: of touch on what empowered you to make that decision

988
00:52:49,120 --> 00:52:52,799
Speaker 2: and perhaps offer some advice to someone who may not

989
00:52:53,040 --> 00:52:57,760
Speaker 2: know that there can be an opportunity to go to therapy,

990
00:52:58,120 --> 00:53:01,520
Speaker 2: take a break, go back in, and like, what was

991
00:53:01,560 --> 00:53:03,680
Speaker 2: your kind of thought process with that? And what would

992
00:53:03,719 --> 00:53:05,839
Speaker 2: you say to someone who's not sure if they're ready

993
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:06,959
Speaker 2: to leave theirs?

994
00:53:08,480 --> 00:53:10,759
Speaker 1: I mean, I simply was just showing up with nothing

995
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:12,719
Speaker 1: to talk about. I was showing up in a good

996
00:53:12,760 --> 00:53:15,759
Speaker 1: mood with nothing to talk about, and that was just

997
00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:19,560
Speaker 1: happening for a few weeks, and I realized, I came,

998
00:53:20,080 --> 00:53:23,040
Speaker 1: I learned, and I'm handling these things in my own

999
00:53:23,040 --> 00:53:25,480
Speaker 1: life and I don't have anything to talk with you

1000
00:53:25,520 --> 00:53:28,120
Speaker 1: about because I'm able to do it myself now. And so,

1001
00:53:28,880 --> 00:53:32,919
Speaker 1: you know, I think it's important to at least I'm

1002
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:37,120
Speaker 1: someone who wants to figure out ways to navigate and

1003
00:53:37,120 --> 00:53:39,360
Speaker 1: manage things in my life. And when I get those tools,

1004
00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:40,960
Speaker 1: I want to practice applying them and then I get

1005
00:53:41,000 --> 00:53:42,919
Speaker 1: to a place where I can apply them. And that's

1006
00:53:42,960 --> 00:53:47,479
Speaker 1: where I was, and so I just naturally realized these

1007
00:53:47,480 --> 00:53:50,719
Speaker 1: aren't serving me anymore, and so I stopped going. And

1008
00:53:50,760 --> 00:53:53,520
Speaker 1: of course, you know, there's times now I still go.

1009
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:56,799
Speaker 1: I went two weeks ago for one appointment just because

1010
00:53:56,800 --> 00:53:58,600
Speaker 1: I was really struggling with this one thing in my life,

1011
00:53:59,040 --> 00:54:01,000
Speaker 1: and so I went to talk for an hour about it,

1012
00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:02,239
Speaker 1: and it was great and I felt like I got

1013
00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:04,279
Speaker 1: answers and I got a look at the situation I

1014
00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:06,960
Speaker 1: couldn't get to myself, and that's awesome. And I didn't

1015
00:54:06,960 --> 00:54:09,160
Speaker 1: schedule another one because problem felt solved for me, or

1016
00:54:09,160 --> 00:54:10,680
Speaker 1: at least felt like I had the tools to handle

1017
00:54:10,719 --> 00:54:13,160
Speaker 1: it when it arises again. So I would just say,

1018
00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:16,920
Speaker 1: if you're going and you're like pulling teeth trying to

1019
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:19,800
Speaker 1: figure out what you talk about in session, maybe maybe

1020
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:22,480
Speaker 1: you have outgrown it for this time in your life

1021
00:54:22,480 --> 00:54:23,640
Speaker 1: and you can always go back.

1022
00:54:23,800 --> 00:54:26,680
Speaker 2: I also think it's like important to reiterate that you can.

1023
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:30,560
Speaker 2: I mean, maybe outgrow is a strong word, but there

1024
00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:35,000
Speaker 2: are different approaches to therapy, and so you may have

1025
00:54:35,560 --> 00:54:39,040
Speaker 2: worked with one therapist for a handful of months and

1026
00:54:39,320 --> 00:54:41,640
Speaker 2: get to a place where you're like, I feel like

1027
00:54:41,760 --> 00:54:44,600
Speaker 2: I've kind of run this course, and nowether I want

1028
00:54:44,600 --> 00:54:46,520
Speaker 2: to work with someone who maybe approaches things a little

1029
00:54:46,560 --> 00:54:49,359
Speaker 2: bit differently, or just like your experience, you're like, I'm

1030
00:54:49,400 --> 00:54:51,359
Speaker 2: good for now, Like I feel really confident in where

1031
00:54:51,360 --> 00:54:54,880
Speaker 2: I'm at and that I can exercise the tools that

1032
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:57,239
Speaker 2: I've been provided with in my own way, on.

1033
00:54:57,200 --> 00:54:59,359
Speaker 1: My own time, exactly yep.

1034
00:54:59,440 --> 00:55:02,680
Speaker 2: People come to your social media page, they see a

1035
00:55:02,760 --> 00:55:06,680
Speaker 2: woman that is a proud mental health advocate, a ted

1036
00:55:06,840 --> 00:55:09,080
Speaker 2: X speaker, and so many more things. When you look

1037
00:55:09,120 --> 00:55:10,880
Speaker 2: in the mirror, what is it that you see looking

1038
00:55:10,920 --> 00:55:11,399
Speaker 2: back at you?

1039
00:55:12,800 --> 00:55:15,399
Speaker 1: Oh, my gosh, I see a normal girl who still

1040
00:55:15,440 --> 00:55:19,160
Speaker 1: has lots of struggles, lots of worries, lots of fears,

1041
00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:22,640
Speaker 1: lots of self doubt I see. I think what most

1042
00:55:22,640 --> 00:55:24,840
Speaker 1: people see when they look in the mirror is the

1043
00:55:24,880 --> 00:55:27,280
Speaker 1: parts about themselves that they think they need to fix

1044
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:31,040
Speaker 1: and that they think they need to improve on. And

1045
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:33,680
Speaker 1: so you know, I know people come to my page

1046
00:55:33,680 --> 00:55:36,520
Speaker 1: and they think the things that you described and they think, oh,

1047
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:39,320
Speaker 1: this girl's figured it out. I have absolutely not figured

1048
00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:42,879
Speaker 1: it out. So I would say, I just still see

1049
00:55:42,880 --> 00:55:45,919
Speaker 1: the same person who's trying to do the best she can,

1050
00:55:46,480 --> 00:55:48,759
Speaker 1: knows she has so much more to learn, and is

1051
00:55:48,800 --> 00:55:49,799
Speaker 1: doing her best.

1052
00:55:50,239 --> 00:55:53,080
Speaker 3: With knowing that you have so much more to learn.

1053
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:56,879
Speaker 2: Again, kind of revisiting this term that we keep going

1054
00:55:56,920 --> 00:56:01,640
Speaker 2: back to of mental health advocate kit, do you go

1055
00:56:01,719 --> 00:56:05,239
Speaker 2: through times where you may struggle a little bit with

1056
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:08,920
Speaker 2: that in that people come and they expect you to

1057
00:56:08,960 --> 00:56:11,400
Speaker 2: have your shit together, and some days when you're like,

1058
00:56:11,480 --> 00:56:14,600
Speaker 2: I'm supposed to have my shit together and it just

1059
00:56:14,800 --> 00:56:15,960
Speaker 2: is not clicking.

1060
00:56:16,440 --> 00:56:17,640
Speaker 3: What do you do with that feeling?

1061
00:56:17,960 --> 00:56:21,680
Speaker 1: I lean into that because that's I think my whole

1062
00:56:21,719 --> 00:56:26,080
Speaker 1: appeal is that I'm not an expert. I'm not someone

1063
00:56:26,080 --> 00:56:29,960
Speaker 1: that has the answers. I feel like I've kind of

1064
00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:37,319
Speaker 1: created a following who knows that that's the case. You know, I,

1065
00:56:37,400 --> 00:56:40,440
Speaker 1: in a really special way don't feel like I have

1066
00:56:40,520 --> 00:56:43,239
Speaker 1: to have all of that. And I think that's kind

1067
00:56:43,239 --> 00:56:46,680
Speaker 1: of what maybe does attract people to my page is

1068
00:56:46,719 --> 00:56:48,960
Speaker 1: that I'm not going to pretend like I have it

1069
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:51,440
Speaker 1: all figured out, and I don't always have the inspiration

1070
00:56:51,680 --> 00:56:54,480
Speaker 1: and I don't know the answers, and I'm still figuring

1071
00:56:54,560 --> 00:56:56,520
Speaker 1: things out, and I still go to therapy when I

1072
00:56:56,560 --> 00:56:59,719
Speaker 1: need it, and I still have imposter syndrome, and I

1073
00:57:00,239 --> 00:57:04,680
Speaker 1: and mean to myself, And so I think that, you know,

1074
00:57:04,800 --> 00:57:07,959
Speaker 1: that's a really cool aspect of maybe what I've tried

1075
00:57:07,960 --> 00:57:11,400
Speaker 1: to build around this conversation is, Hey, I don't have

1076
00:57:11,440 --> 00:57:13,279
Speaker 1: the answers. I'm just sharing as I go.

1077
00:57:13,880 --> 00:57:15,560
Speaker 3: What are you excited about right now?

1078
00:57:15,880 --> 00:57:18,560
Speaker 1: Tonight? I'm going over to my mom's. Her and my

1079
00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:21,800
Speaker 1: yay A are making Greek food and I'm pumped to

1080
00:57:21,880 --> 00:57:25,160
Speaker 1: eat it. Shout out to any Greeks listening and Cristos

1081
00:57:25,200 --> 00:57:27,160
Speaker 1: on SDS. Greek Easter was this past weekend.

1082
00:57:29,240 --> 00:57:30,000
Speaker 3: My friend here.

1083
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:35,240
Speaker 2: If you look back and you think about the victoria

1084
00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:38,800
Speaker 2: back in college, it's let's say like mid sophomore year.

1085
00:57:38,840 --> 00:57:40,120
Speaker 3: You're going through the thick of it.

1086
00:57:40,560 --> 00:57:43,640
Speaker 2: Right now, you have an opportunity to offer yourself one

1087
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:46,440
Speaker 2: piece of advice. Looking back on that hurdle moment right now,

1088
00:57:46,520 --> 00:57:47,720
Speaker 2: what do you tell yourself?

1089
00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:51,040
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, it's tough, because I know that that sophomore

1090
00:57:51,080 --> 00:57:53,040
Speaker 1: girl would not want to hear any of it. She

1091
00:57:53,040 --> 00:57:55,360
Speaker 1: wouldn't believe any of it. I think I would say

1092
00:57:55,440 --> 00:57:58,160
Speaker 1: something like this is going to be sounds so cheesy.

1093
00:57:58,160 --> 00:57:59,160
Speaker 1: I don't know why. I feel like I'm in a

1094
00:57:59,160 --> 00:58:00,680
Speaker 1: movie right now, but I think I would say something like,

1095
00:58:01,160 --> 00:58:03,920
Speaker 1: so much is going to come from this suffering.

1096
00:58:04,400 --> 00:58:04,600
Speaker 3: You know.

1097
00:58:04,720 --> 00:58:06,960
Speaker 1: I think at the time I didn't think there's a

1098
00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:09,680
Speaker 1: reason for it, but clearly now I see that there was,

1099
00:58:10,040 --> 00:58:12,000
Speaker 1: And so I would just tell her, like, I know

1100
00:58:12,080 --> 00:58:15,240
Speaker 1: you'll never understand this, I know you don't get why,

1101
00:58:15,280 --> 00:58:19,680
Speaker 1: but so much of the joy in your future is

1102
00:58:19,720 --> 00:58:22,640
Speaker 1: going to come from this current struggle, and I think

1103
00:58:22,720 --> 00:58:25,960
Speaker 1: that that can apply to many people going through it

1104
00:58:26,040 --> 00:58:26,400
Speaker 1: right now.

1105
00:58:26,560 --> 00:58:29,520
Speaker 2: So true, Victoria, how do the hurdlers keep up with you?

1106
00:58:29,680 --> 00:58:31,440
Speaker 2: How do they follow along with you? Give me all

1107
00:58:31,480 --> 00:58:33,440
Speaker 2: the details, lovely hurdlers.

1108
00:58:33,520 --> 00:58:35,680
Speaker 1: You can keep up with me on ig at Victoria

1109
00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:38,800
Speaker 1: Garrick and you'll pretty much find everything from there, and

1110
00:58:38,840 --> 00:58:42,600
Speaker 1: then you can also listen to my podcast Real Pod,

1111
00:58:42,680 --> 00:58:45,080
Speaker 1: which m you need to come on, so we need

1112
00:58:45,120 --> 00:58:45,760
Speaker 1: to figure that out.

1113
00:58:45,760 --> 00:58:48,800
Speaker 3: Tell me when girl, tell me when perfect.

1114
00:58:48,960 --> 00:58:52,240
Speaker 2: I'm over at Emily Body and at Hurdle Podcast Another

1115
00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:53,440
Speaker 2: Hurdle Conquered.

1116
00:58:53,760 --> 00:58:54,760
Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time