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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you

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Speaker 1: love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is

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Speaker 1: not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me for session three point thirty two of

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Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into

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Speaker 1: our conversation after a word from our sponsors. We're diving

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Speaker 1: back into our catalog to get you all prepared for

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Speaker 1: the upcoming holiday season. This week, we're circling back on

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Speaker 1: our conversation to talk about blending families with Jordan, a

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Speaker 1: Madison licensed clinical marriage and family therapist and contributing writers

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Speaker 1: to the Therapy for Black Girls blog. Whether you're bringing

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Speaker 1: a plus one to this year's family dinner or planning

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Speaker 1: to spend the holidays with the cousins you haven't seen

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Speaker 1: in years. There's one thing for certain, Blending new family

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Speaker 1: members with old traditions can be tricky, as of spending

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Speaker 1: the holidays with your family isn't hard enough. In this

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Speaker 1: week's session, Jordan and I explore some of the more

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Speaker 1: common feelings associated with blending families for the first time.

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Speaker 1: What about the holidays overall can cause tension among family members.

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Speaker 1: How you can maintain your wellness practices while other people

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Speaker 1: are staying in your home or while you're staying with

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Speaker 1: someone else and telling your family you're not coming home

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Speaker 1: for the holidays. If something resonates with you while enjoying

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Speaker 1: our conversation, please share with us on social media using

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Speaker 1: the hashtag TBG in session or join us over in

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Speaker 1: the Sister Circle to talk more about the episode. You

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Speaker 1: can join us at community dot therapy for Blackgirls dot Com.

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Speaker 1: Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for joining us again.

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Speaker 2: Jordan, thank you, thank you for having me.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I feel like you are a special holiday guest

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Speaker 1: coming in to talk about all things holidays. Last time

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Speaker 1: we talked about Jingle Jingle, which is still one of

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Speaker 1: my favorites for sure, but this year we're gonna get

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Speaker 1: into something a little different. So we have a handful

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Speaker 1: of community members who are planning to blend families for

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Speaker 1: the first time this holiday season. So some people are

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Speaker 1: like meeting their significant others family members for the first time.

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Speaker 1: Other people are like hosting the holidays for the first time,

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Speaker 1: and maybe in laws are coming together. And so I

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Speaker 1: wanted to have you on to talk about how we

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Speaker 1: can really take care of ourselves during this time, but

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Speaker 1: also if you could share some helpful tips for people

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Speaker 1: who are preparing for this moment in their lives.

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Speaker 2: Of course, holiday season is extremely exciting, but it can

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Speaker 2: also be nerve wracking and stressful for a lot of people,

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Speaker 2: especially when it comes to blending families. So definitely can

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Speaker 2: understand that.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. So what would you say are some of

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Speaker 1: the common feelings that are associated with blending families for

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Speaker 1: the first time.

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Speaker 2: So one I think is just like nervousness. Is this

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Speaker 2: person gonna like me? Is their family going to accept me?

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Speaker 2: Do we have some of the same traditions? Are we

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Speaker 2: going to like the same food, the same mixes? Things

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Speaker 2: like that, And I think other things come up can

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Speaker 2: be just you know, sometimes there's maybe insecurities or comparing

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Speaker 2: your family to their Sometimes I think sometimes they can

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Speaker 2: get a little like, my family does it this way

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Speaker 2: and your family does it that way? Do I have

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Speaker 2: to concede and given? Do I stick to what I'm doing?

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Speaker 2: And I think for couples, especially for the first time,

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Speaker 2: it can sometimes be a little nerve wracking, like how

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Speaker 2: do we assert ourselves as a couple in this space together?

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Speaker 2: Because typically when we go to our family of origin,

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Speaker 2: we kind of fall back into being not the little

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Speaker 2: kid per se, but we fall back into whatever role

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Speaker 2: we usually have in our family. And so when you're

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Speaker 2: adding another person, it can feel a little like how

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Speaker 2: do I navigate still being the baby of the family,

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Speaker 2: but also, now here's my partner and I need to

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Speaker 2: assert myself and make sure that you respect our boundaries,

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Speaker 2: you respect our relationship.

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Speaker 1: That's a whole word there. So how would you say?

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Speaker 1: How would you say that people can go about best

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Speaker 1: preparing themselves? So are there certain conversations they should have,

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Speaker 1: like what kinds of things do they need to do

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Speaker 1: to prepare themselves for this?

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Speaker 2: So the first thing that comes to mind is having

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Speaker 2: like a code word. So maybe if things feel a

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Speaker 2: little tense or get too hectic, or you need a break,

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Speaker 2: like you and your partner having a special word phrase

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Speaker 2: maybe gesture that signals, hey, we need to regroup. I

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Speaker 2: think the biggest thing to remember wind blending families and

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Speaker 2: during the holiday season is that you and your partner

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Speaker 2: are a team. So you two are approaching this together.

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Speaker 2: It's going to be nerve wracking for both of you. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: I do think having conversations would be helpful first, and

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Speaker 2: maybe those conversations look like, are there any family dynamics

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Speaker 2: that I should know about? Or are there certain things

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Speaker 2: that maybe your parents don't like or that make them uncomfortable,

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Speaker 2: any topics that are like hot topics in your family? Right,

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Speaker 2: Because for some families, especially given the recent political climates,

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Speaker 2: some families don't discuss politics, right, Like, are there certain

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Speaker 2: things that we just stray away from or that I

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Speaker 2: should know not to bring up? Because maybe in my

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Speaker 2: family I don't think it's that big of a deal,

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Speaker 2: but in your family it can cause World War three?

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Speaker 2: So what are some things that I need to be

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Speaker 2: aware of? And then I think having conversations even after

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Speaker 2: the dinner or after the holidays, of like, how was

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Speaker 2: that for you, what are things that you noticed, Because

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Speaker 2: I do think seeing your partner around their family helps

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Speaker 2: you to understand more family dynamics. It helps you understand

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Speaker 2: maybe why your partner does certain things or sees things

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Speaker 2: a certain way, And so I think a check in

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Speaker 2: before and after is really helpful.

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Speaker 1: So what if I noticed something in this blended family

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Speaker 1: holiday that I'm like, oh, I don't know if I

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Speaker 1: like that about my partner, Like, oh, that's interesting. I

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Speaker 1: didn't anticipate that he would behave this way. So how

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Speaker 1: would you have that conversation, like as a post check in, Like,

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Speaker 1: what are some ways to maybe point out like some

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Speaker 1: concerns maybe that you noticed as a part of that.

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Speaker 2: I would definitely say to wait until after the holidays, right,

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Speaker 2: because bringing it up in the middle of it, I

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Speaker 2: don't know if that would be received as well. You

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Speaker 2: two are both probably stressed and things like that. I

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Speaker 2: would say bringing it up after and approaching it with curiosity, right,

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Speaker 2: So instead of a why did you act like this

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Speaker 2: or you were acting funny? I didn't like that, maybe

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Speaker 2: like hey, I noticed that when your mom walked through

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Speaker 2: the door, you seem to get a little choie or

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Speaker 2: you didn't seem as assertive as you usually are. What's

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Speaker 2: that about? Or is that something that you notice too,

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Speaker 2: Is that something that usually comes up for you because

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Speaker 2: maybe it's something that they did because they're also nervous,

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Speaker 2: or maybe it is a family dynamic that you're like,

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Speaker 2: we need to kind of talk through this, right, And

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Speaker 2: so I think that approaching things with curiosity, with like

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Speaker 2: this is what I've noticed. Has anyone else in your

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Speaker 2: family noticed this too, because sometimes when we're a part

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Speaker 2: of our own family, we don't always see the patterns

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Speaker 2: or the different nuances, whereas someone on the outside looking

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Speaker 2: in is able to call some stuff out Obviously, approaching

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Speaker 2: it with there's no judgment, this is just what I'm noticing,

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Speaker 2: And maybe your partner is like, yeah, you know what,

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Speaker 2: that does happen a lot and this is why, or

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Speaker 2: it's like, wow, no one's ever told us that before,

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Speaker 2: and I didn't realize that, and maybe there are some

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Speaker 2: new things that I need to do and do differently.

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Speaker 2: So approaching it with curiosity and being gentle for sure,

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Speaker 2: and then as the partner hearing it, trying to also

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Speaker 2: remind yourself it's not a personal attack against your family.

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Speaker 2: It's not saying that something that you did was completely wrong.

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Speaker 2: It's just you two are kind of starting to navigate.

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Speaker 2: We've been a couple and we've been used to just

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Speaker 2: us in this bubble. What do we look like as

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Speaker 2: a couple when we're interacting with you know, our families

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Speaker 2: or our friends as well.

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Speaker 1: M hm. So you mentioned earlier that you know, even

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Speaker 1: though the holidays can be an exciting time, it can

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Speaker 1: also be very stressful. So what are some of the

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Speaker 1: things that you think often need to tension in family

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Speaker 1: members around the holidays.

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Speaker 2: And my experience, at least what has come up sometimes

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Speaker 2: has been people have different feelings around the holidays. So

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Speaker 2: for some people, the holidays can bring up grief or

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Speaker 2: some sadness, right because you're reminded of maybe people that

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Speaker 2: you no longer have with you, or your feeling maybe

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Speaker 2: alone and things like that. And if you're with a

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Speaker 2: partner who's just super happy and excited about the holiday,

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Speaker 2: there can be some tension because your partner's like, what's

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Speaker 2: wrong with you? Like why are you so sad or miserable?

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Speaker 2: But you're like, hey, I'm going through something and I

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Speaker 2: need some patience too. So I think a big thing

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Speaker 2: is just people's views on holidays. I think the expectation

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Speaker 2: is that everyone just loves the holidays and it makes

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Speaker 2: them feel all warm inside, because I do love the

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Speaker 2: holidays and it makes me feel warm inside. But understanding

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Speaker 2: that that's not the exact same experience for everyone, and

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Speaker 2: so having understanding around that, I think is a big deal.

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Speaker 2: Another thing that comes to mind with tension around the holidays,

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Speaker 2: I would say, is certain boundaries. It can be really

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Speaker 2: hard to set boundaries, especially with loved ones, especially as

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Speaker 2: black women. We feel like I owe this person this,

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Speaker 2: or it'd be selfish if I say no, or I

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Speaker 2: have to do this. I have to handle everything and

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Speaker 2: do it myself. And so when there's that added pressure,

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Speaker 2: then you might feel resentful or you might feel like

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Speaker 2: you're doing everything and you might snap at others or

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Speaker 2: whatever the case may be, and that can cause some tension.

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Speaker 2: And also just the expectations. Right, if there are expectations

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Speaker 2: that people have of you that feel really heavy, like

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Speaker 2: you're always the host, or you always do certain things.

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Speaker 2: And let's say you're tired or you just need a

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Speaker 2: break or you want help. You don't mind doing it,

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Speaker 2: but you don't want to be the only one that

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Speaker 2: can also cause a lot of tension.

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Speaker 1: I appreciate you bringing up the idea of grief around

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Speaker 1: the holidays, I think especially against our current backdrop, right,

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Speaker 1: you know, so we know that we have lost so

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Speaker 1: many people to COVID and just other things, you know,

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Speaker 1: in the past couple of years. And I think for

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Speaker 1: a lot of people this may be their first year

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Speaker 1: maybe gathering again if they are right, like and so,

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Speaker 1: can you say a little bit about like how to

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Speaker 1: manage grief or like how to keep expectations level as

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Speaker 1: we are approaching the holiday season for people maybe this

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Speaker 1: is their first holiday season after losing someone.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I would definitely say to give yourself grace.

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Speaker 2: Grief comes up unexpectedly, it comes in waves. You have

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Speaker 2: to allow yourself to feel how you're feeling. Do not

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Speaker 2: force yourself to be all happy, go lucky and smiley

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Speaker 2: if that's really just not how you're feeling. Obviously, there's

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Speaker 2: other beliefs where people say, like sometimes you just have

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Speaker 2: to fake it till you make it to put a

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Speaker 2: smile on your face. But I think it's really important

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Speaker 2: that you surround yourself with at least one or two

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Speaker 2: people who know and understand that you might not react

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Speaker 2: or behave the same way that you typically do during

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Speaker 2: the holiday season because you are processing the loss of someone,

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Speaker 2: or the loss of ideas, the loss of you know,

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Speaker 2: there's a lot of things that have changed in the

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Speaker 2: past two and a half years, right, So I would

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Speaker 2: say surrounding yourself with people who also get it and

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Speaker 2: don't expect you to just move through it and be okay,

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Speaker 2: but that allow you time to process it because typically

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Speaker 2: when you have a space to cry it out or

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Speaker 2: have a moment, then you feel like, Okay, I'm not

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Speaker 2: holding it in anymore, and then you're able to maybe

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Speaker 2: go back and enjoy a family gathering or you're able

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Speaker 2: to go back and something. But when you feel like

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Speaker 2: you're trying to keep it in and bottle it up,

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Speaker 2: then I think it's really hard.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. So we have a couple of scenarios that

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Speaker 1: our community sent in. So we told them that we're

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Speaker 1: gonna be talking about blending families for the holidays and

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Speaker 1: ask them what questions they had, and so we have

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Speaker 1: a couple of scenarios that I want to share with

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Speaker 1: you to see you have some feedback or tips that

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Speaker 1: you would offer them. Okay, So the first one is

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Speaker 1: my biological parents have been divorced for over twenty years,

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Speaker 1: and during the time, I've always had to split my

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Speaker 1: time between them. On Christmas Day, Dad and stepmom in

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Speaker 1: the morning and mom in the evening. Now that I

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Speaker 1: have my own family, I'd like to invite all my

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Speaker 1: parents over so we can spend quality time together. I'm

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Speaker 1: nervous about bringing it up and even more nervous about

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Speaker 1: making it happen.

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Speaker 2: Okay, what comes to mind? Because my parents are not together,

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Speaker 2: they do get along and things like that, but I

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Speaker 2: always have to go back and forth, and I'm always

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Speaker 2: making a joke like, well do I have to pop

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Speaker 2: out a kid for everyone to come see me? Because

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Speaker 2: this is a lot. So I definitely understand then, like

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Speaker 2: wanting everyone to come to you because it's difficult always

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Speaker 2: having to split, right, And so I think having a conversation,

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Speaker 2: hopefully they've been divorced for a long enough time that

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Speaker 2: maybe the focus is I want to spend this time

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Speaker 2: with both of you, and I want you both to

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Speaker 2: be in the same space. You don't have to sit

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Speaker 2: next to each other, you don't have to be all

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Speaker 2: buddy buddy. But what I do want is both of

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Speaker 2: my parents to be with me as I enter this

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Speaker 2: new stage, as I've started my own family. If there's

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Speaker 2: grandkids in the mixed grandparents love their grandkids. So if

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Speaker 2: you focus on the kids really want to be able

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Speaker 2: to have their grandma and grandpa there, hopefully that can

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Speaker 2: soften it a bit too. But reminding them that what's

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Speaker 2: really important is just having the quality time spend. They

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Speaker 2: don't have to interact necessarily, they don't have to act

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Speaker 2: as if everything is okay, but they can at least

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Speaker 2: be cordial, and that's really all you're asking for.

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Speaker 1: So I'm curious, Johan, you know, I'm thinking about, like

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Speaker 1: when my husband and I got married, like the conversations

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Speaker 1: around like Okay, how are we doing how now even

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Speaker 1: before we had kids, and what we've decided on is

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Speaker 1: switching back and forth for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Right, But

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Speaker 1: I'm wondering in your work, because you do a lot

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Speaker 1: of work with couples, are there other conversations that people

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Speaker 1: are having or other arrangements people are making around the

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Speaker 1: holidays that might be helpful for other people to think about.

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Speaker 2: I think it's really also really about the expectations that

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Speaker 2: you have right, because maybe it's easier for everyone to

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Speaker 2: come to you. I also think it depends on logistics

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Speaker 2: where people are located. But I think certain things that

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Speaker 2: are working out is just one year we do this,

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Speaker 2: next year we do that, like switching back and forth.

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Speaker 2: That seems to be the consensus what a lot of

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Speaker 2: people do and what's fair for other people they decide.

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Speaker 2: I had one couple I was thinking of. Her family

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Speaker 2: was like in the Virgin Islands, and so I think

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Speaker 2: Thanksgiving was really important to her family, and then Christmas

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Speaker 2: because her husband's birthday was near them and that's just

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Speaker 2: their holiday, right and there's no pressure about we go

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Speaker 2: back and forth or whatever the case may be. So

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Speaker 2: I think it it depends on what are the holidays

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Speaker 2: that are important. Another thing that's been helpful and what

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Speaker 2: I've heard is maybe it's not always about the exact day.

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Speaker 2: So for some families, maybe Christmas is a big deal.

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Speaker 2: For other families, like I know for my uncle and

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Speaker 2: his wife her family, Christmas Eve is what's really important.

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Speaker 2: So if you have certain things where it's like we

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Speaker 2: don't need to meet on the exact same day, but

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Speaker 2: as long as it's within the timeframe, of the holidays,

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Speaker 2: maybe we do something like instead of a Christmas party

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Speaker 2: or a Christmas dinner, we do a New Year's Eve dinner,

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Speaker 2: or we do a Black Friday dinner instead of actually Thanksgiving.

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Speaker 2: So I think it's mainly about like what are the

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Speaker 2: expectations and what day is really important? Because for some

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Speaker 2: they're like, the day is still the same as long

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Speaker 2: as we still connect have family, It doesn't have to

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Speaker 2: be on the twenty fourth of November. What if we

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Speaker 2: do on the twenty eighth, you know, and what works

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Speaker 2: better for everyone else? Mm hm.

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Speaker 1: So you know, the other thing that this scenario made

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Speaker 1: me think of, and you kind of talked about this too,

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Speaker 1: is like creating new traditions, right, you know, so they

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Speaker 1: are the traditions that come from my family of origins.

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Speaker 1: But then, like you mentioned, like a lot of times,

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Speaker 1: once kids enter the picture, then there begins to be

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Speaker 1: a reimagining of what the holidays look like. And so

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Speaker 1: what kinds of like thoughts are things might you offer

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Speaker 1: to couples who are thinking about creating their own traditions.

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Speaker 1: So let's say I want to have dinner at the

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Speaker 1: house with maybe just the kids, but I don't maybe

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Speaker 1: want grandparents there, right, like I only wanted to be

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Speaker 1: a nuclear family. What kinds of guidelines would you offer

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Speaker 1: for like making those kinds of decisions?

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Speaker 2: So I would say, each partner writing like what they

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Speaker 2: would like, what's non negotiable versus what has some wiggle

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Speaker 2: room and finding some middle ground, some middle area because

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Speaker 2: maybe it's I don't want the grandparents involved, I just

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Speaker 2: want us, And your partner is saying dinner is really important.

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Speaker 2: What if we have a big Christmas breakfast that's just

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Speaker 2: us and then for dinner we go to my parents' house,

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Speaker 2: right Like? What if that would be a happy car

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Speaker 2: from us? So I think it's important to find solutions

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Speaker 2: that where both partners feel heard, both partners feel this

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Speaker 2: is what's important to me. And then knowing yourself, what

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Speaker 2: is a non negotiable like these are traditions that have

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Speaker 2: to be passed down versus what are some areas where

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Speaker 2: I have wigo room? And this is also why I

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Speaker 2: think premarital counseling is really helpful, because it allows you

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Speaker 2: to think about what do we want our life to

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Speaker 2: look like, how do we want to celebrate certain things?

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Speaker 2: How do we want to handle these things before they

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Speaker 2: come up and cause tension. Let's think about it. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: you don't necessarily know exactly how you're going to handle

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Speaker 2: things until you're in the situation. But I think if

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Speaker 2: there's certain values, certain traditions that you know your partner

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Speaker 2: really cares about and their family really cares about, you

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Speaker 2: can have that conversation even before the holidays come up.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because ideally you would want to have these conversations

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Speaker 1: before it's time to send out the advice, right, because

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Speaker 1: then the tension in the stress does get a little higher.

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Speaker 1: So you offering premarital counseling is an opportunity because I

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Speaker 1: think there's a lot of misconceptions about premierital therapy, right.

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Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, if we're going to therapy already, like

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Speaker 1: we're doomed kind of things exactly. But that is the

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Speaker 1: space where you're having these kinds of conversations so that

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Speaker 1: you can't avoid You just don't think about it until

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Speaker 1: it's holiday time and you're like, oh, I didn't know

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Speaker 1: that was important to.

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Speaker 2: You, exactly. And even when I say premarital, I just

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Speaker 2: mean pre marriage. It doesn't even have to be that

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Speaker 2: you're engaged. I know for some people they're like, if

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Speaker 2: we're already in therapy and we're not even engaged yet,

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Speaker 2: what is the problem. But to your point, it doesn't

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Speaker 2: always have to be that there's a problem when you

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Speaker 2: go to therapy. A lot of times therapy can be

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Speaker 2: and should be preventative. It can be conversations about how

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Speaker 2: we want to handle these things, learning skills and tools,

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Speaker 2: instead of going to therapy when there's already been years

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Speaker 2: of resentment, years of problems, and then it's like, I

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Speaker 2: don't like this person, I don't know if we want

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Speaker 2: to be together, you know. So having these discussions and

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Speaker 2: thinking about it beforehand can definitely be helpful. Obviously, when dating,

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Speaker 2: I think it's you don't know until you start to

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Speaker 2: get into like dating seriously with that person. So if

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Speaker 2: you're dating someone and this is the first time that

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Speaker 2: you're meeting their family or blending families, I would just

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Speaker 2: say going into it with an open experience. Dating is

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Speaker 2: all about learning your partner, learning what works for you

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Speaker 2: and what doesn't. So being observant, not judgmental, there's a difference,

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Speaker 2: but just being open to seeing what parts of the

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Speaker 2: family impacted your partner, what made them you know, who

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Speaker 2: you want to be with today and things that you

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Speaker 2: learn and things like that. I think the assumption is

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Speaker 2: always there might be tension, but you'd be surprised because

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Speaker 2: some families can be very opening and very welcoming and

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Speaker 2: you can have a lot of fun. So going in

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Speaker 2: with an open mind. M h.

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Speaker 1: So this is a perfect segue into the scenario number two. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so this one is my fiance's parents are flying out

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Speaker 1: this holiday season to meet my parents for the first time.

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Speaker 1: I'm nervous because my family doesn't have a traditional Christmas.

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Speaker 1: My parents own their own business, and because they work

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Speaker 1: so much, we don't celebrate together like other families are

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Speaker 1: accustomed to. We eat dinner at eight pm and might

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Speaker 1: not open presents until ten. I want to show my

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Speaker 1: future in laws a good time, but I'm concerned that

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Speaker 1: our holiday traditions won't cut it in comparison to their

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Speaker 1: more traditional type of fun.

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Speaker 2: What comes to mind is you want to show them

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Speaker 2: a good time so it can be like this is

404
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Speaker 2: how we do it over here, and it's still fun.

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Speaker 2: We're still doing the same things, it's just later in

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Speaker 2: the day. So maybe it's like during the day we

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Speaker 2: watch movies or we do other stuff and then we

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Speaker 2: have a late dinner and then we open the presence,

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Speaker 2: and especially if there's not little kids. Usually little kids

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Speaker 2: are the only ones that are waking up at the

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Speaker 2: kracodot over presents, So if there's no little kids in

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Speaker 2: the mix, it can be a very exciting like, no,

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Speaker 2: it's not traditional, but this is our tradition and we

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Speaker 2: welcome you to it. This is something that has worked

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Speaker 2: for us, maybe explaining like this is why it has

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Speaker 2: become this way. It's not that we don't care about Christmas.

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Speaker 2: This is just what works for us, and we invite

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Speaker 2: you to you know, half fun hour way. And so

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Speaker 2: I know for some people, I want to say, my

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Speaker 2: family would sometimes do like a movie day. My family

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Speaker 2: loves a Christmas story. I don't, but they do, and

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Speaker 2: so it's always on and things like that. So maybe

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Speaker 2: it's like having a movie day or doing something before

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Speaker 2: the presence, but giving them still a fun time. And

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Speaker 2: if they're visiting, maybe it's taking them around different places

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Speaker 2: in the area. I don't know where exactly they'd be

427
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Speaker 2: going to, but a lot of places have like lights

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Speaker 2: or certain things that you do around Christmas time. So

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Speaker 2: maybe it's we go out to dinner. We do these

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Speaker 2: things late and then once it's dark, we go we

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Speaker 2: take a drive around and see the lights, or we

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Speaker 2: do other things where it's still just as fun. It

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Speaker 2: just doesn't have to be the chronological order of what

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Speaker 2: they expect.

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00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,439
Speaker 1: Mm hm. Yeah, And I wonder if this might not

436
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,159
Speaker 1: be an opportunity for this couple to like start some

437
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,359
Speaker 1: of their own traditions, right, or maybe a way to

438
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,480
Speaker 1: incorporate some of the families the other families traditions. You know,

439
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,440
Speaker 1: so if they do more daytime activities, like are there

440
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,200
Speaker 1: things that they can do in the daytime before dinner, right,

441
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,600
Speaker 1: So maybe that's like baking things or decorating something, or

442
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,600
Speaker 1: it might be an opportunity to kind of start some

443
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,679
Speaker 1: new stuff or to kind of blend both of the

444
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:05,520
Speaker 1: family traditions.

445
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:09,639
Speaker 2: Yes, like maybe decorating the tree. Obviously people might expect

446
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,439
Speaker 2: that the tree will be decorated before Christmas, but that

447
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,760
Speaker 2: could be something where you frame it as we wanted

448
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,400
Speaker 2: this to be something we all do together, so we

449
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,240
Speaker 2: save decorating the tree for all of us to do it.

450
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:25,159
Speaker 2: Or baking is a good one. Decorating ornaments, yeah, ornaments,

451
00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:27,720
Speaker 2: gingerbread houses. If you're into that. You know, there's so

452
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,200
Speaker 2: many Christmas activities that you can do, and so just

453
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,600
Speaker 2: approaching it with again curiosity, but also it can be

454
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,240
Speaker 2: a fun experience, right, It doesn't have to be exactly

455
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,359
Speaker 2: what everyone is used to. And that's also how you

456
00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:44,239
Speaker 2: can frame it as me and my fiance is we

457
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,800
Speaker 2: are starting this new life together. We appreciate this aspect

458
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,359
Speaker 2: of our traditions on this side, and we appreciate this

459
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,920
Speaker 2: aspect of traditions on this side, and this is our

460
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,239
Speaker 2: way of like remixing it.

461
00:22:54,800 --> 00:23:10,520
Speaker 1: More from our conversation after the break. All right, our

462
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:14,280
Speaker 1: third scenario. I'm a single mother and I really want

463
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,119
Speaker 1: my child to be able to spend the holidays with

464
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:19,080
Speaker 1: her siblings. Her father has two other children with two

465
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:21,480
Speaker 1: different mothers, and I think it would be really fun

466
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:24,199
Speaker 1: for us all to get the kids together to do something.

467
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,199
Speaker 1: I'm nervous because there's tension among the parents, but I

468
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,280
Speaker 1: want to figure out how we can blend families to

469
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,760
Speaker 1: make these memories for our kids.

470
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,800
Speaker 2: Oh that's beautiful. Yeah, I would say it seems like

471
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:38,520
Speaker 2: I'm imagining the tension maybe between the moms and the dad.

472
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:41,240
Speaker 2: Don't know for sure, but if she's not feeling there's

473
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,840
Speaker 2: tension between her and anyone, maybe reaching out of I

474
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,679
Speaker 2: think this would be a great idea for the kids.

475
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,440
Speaker 2: I want to do this thing. I want to get

476
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,560
Speaker 2: all the kids together so they can celebrate. If you

477
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:53,720
Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable in the space. Again, I'm not sure what

478
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,439
Speaker 2: the relationship is, but if you trust me, you can

479
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,479
Speaker 2: drop your kid off if you don't want to stay.

480
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,679
Speaker 2: But I have these things planned or I want us

481
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:03,199
Speaker 2: to have a movie night, or bake cookies or do

482
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:06,200
Speaker 2: something where the kids can spend time together, because even

483
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,840
Speaker 2: though we are not with this man anymore, or even

484
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,840
Speaker 2: though we have differences or we disagree, our children should

485
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,639
Speaker 2: be the priority and we want to make sure that

486
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,960
Speaker 2: they feel included, but also like they have each other right,

487
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,920
Speaker 2: And especially if she's a single mom and say it's

488
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,080
Speaker 2: just her and her child, you want to make sure

489
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:26,960
Speaker 2: that your child has like fun things to be around.

490
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 2: He or she is not the only child in the situation,

491
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,280
Speaker 2: and so that could be I'm sure the goal of

492
00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:35,119
Speaker 2: making sure you're spending time with your siblings, you're spending

493
00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:37,560
Speaker 2: time with people that are your age, and it being

494
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:41,800
Speaker 2: fun and hopefully the moms are in agreement, and I

495
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,600
Speaker 2: would see that as a really big effort to put

496
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,600
Speaker 2: differences aside and really just focus on the betterment of

497
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:51,159
Speaker 2: the kids, because I think blended families obviously can happen.

498
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,960
Speaker 2: The parents just have to be able to remember that

499
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:58,520
Speaker 2: the children are the priority and not get too involved

500
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:01,439
Speaker 2: with their ego or their hurt or any feelings that

501
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:02,120
Speaker 2: come up for them.

502
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:04,840
Speaker 1: Mm hmm, yeah, And I think I agree with you.

503
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,280
Speaker 1: I think that this would be a beautiful scenario, you know,

504
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,120
Speaker 1: if they're able to pull this off. And I see

505
00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:12,760
Speaker 1: this as something happening either Christmas Eve or maybe like

506
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,639
Speaker 1: a day or two before, because I would imagine, you know,

507
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,000
Speaker 1: everybody has their own individual families that they may want

508
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,240
Speaker 1: to do things with, but it could be a cool

509
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,400
Speaker 1: kind of like yearly tradition that they get together every

510
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,040
Speaker 1: year two days before Christmas and like have a sleepover

511
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,119
Speaker 1: with matching pajamas and all the moms get together and

512
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:32,439
Speaker 1: like do decorations, and they have presence that they know

513
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,840
Speaker 1: they open like from each other, and like, I think

514
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:37,240
Speaker 1: that that actually would be a beautiful kind of offering.

515
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,960
Speaker 1: And like you mentioned, if there's somebody like one of

516
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,000
Speaker 1: the other moms where there's not tension with could they

517
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:45,040
Speaker 1: open the invitation? This could even be a great way

518
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:46,639
Speaker 1: to eat some of that tension, right, Like, I know

519
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,520
Speaker 1: there's been issues between us in the past, but this

520
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:53,280
Speaker 1: almost is an olive branch. I think of recentering the kids,

521
00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:55,240
Speaker 1: like you mentioned, which should be the priority.

522
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 2: And obviously there's similarities if you two or three have

523
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,439
Speaker 2: chosen to have a child, but all so with this

524
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 2: one person. Maybe there's certain things that you all enjoy

525
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,879
Speaker 2: doing with that person that maybe you have similarities. But

526
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:10,480
Speaker 2: the biggest similarity is that you all are mothers, right,

527
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,840
Speaker 2: and you most likely want to prioritize your kid and

528
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:17,359
Speaker 2: make them feel that they are a part of something.

529
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:21,080
Speaker 2: I think sometimes tension comes, especially with blended families, where

530
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:23,879
Speaker 2: it can feel like this kid gets more than this kid,

531
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,840
Speaker 2: or this person gets more. So if you focus on

532
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,000
Speaker 2: I want us all to be together. I want us

533
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,000
Speaker 2: all to do something. Maybe the kids have a movie night.

534
00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:34,440
Speaker 2: Maybe we as the moms, we have some hot chocolate

535
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,760
Speaker 2: or some wine. Not condoning alcoholism, but you know, we

536
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:40,639
Speaker 2: do something that's just us and that we have fun

537
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,880
Speaker 2: and we make space for the children. Or maybe it's

538
00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:46,320
Speaker 2: after Christmas and the children get to bring all their

539
00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,800
Speaker 2: toys together and play together or something like that.

540
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,320
Speaker 1: Mm hmmmmm, Yeah, I think that could be a very cool.

541
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, and a tradition like they could keep going for sure.

542
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,399
Speaker 1: All Right, So one final scenario. Okay, so this one says,

543
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,919
Speaker 1: I'm spending Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family

544
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,159
Speaker 1: this year. I barely know that side of the family,

545
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,280
Speaker 1: and I'm nervous because I've always felt like my mom

546
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,840
Speaker 1: discouraged us from spending time with them because they're a

547
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:12,040
Speaker 1: little ratchet. However, I want to know my people, and

548
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,760
Speaker 1: though I'm almost forty, I still want to try. I

549
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,320
Speaker 1: feel crazy asking people what their names are, but this

550
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,960
Speaker 1: is where we are. I'm embarrassed that I don't know

551
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 1: them better.

552
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think the biggest thing to do is own that,

553
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:26,479
Speaker 2: and not own it as though it's your fault, but

554
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,879
Speaker 2: own it as Unfortunately I didn't get the experience to

555
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,600
Speaker 2: grow up with you all. So I do feel bad

556
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,280
Speaker 2: for not knowing this, but I really do want to

557
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:37,119
Speaker 2: learn now. And in my opinion, it's never too late.

558
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,679
Speaker 2: As long as you have breath in your body and

559
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:42,360
Speaker 2: you were able to meet people and do things, that's

560
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:45,440
Speaker 2: never too late. And I think that's beautiful that you're

561
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,399
Speaker 2: still choosing to spend that time even if it feels

562
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:52,400
Speaker 2: awkward or uncomfortable, and ideally hopefully they would be welcoming

563
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:56,040
Speaker 2: in the idea of it wasn't you who as a kid,

564
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,720
Speaker 2: you weren't choosing what you were doing or who you

565
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,720
Speaker 2: were spending time with, and now you're making this choice

566
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,640
Speaker 2: to spend time with us and get to know us,

567
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:08,240
Speaker 2: and we really appreciate it. Obviously. Again, I think, especially

568
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:10,679
Speaker 2: in the black community, there can be the differences in

569
00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:13,560
Speaker 2: like how we appear black people as a culture. There's

570
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:16,359
Speaker 2: a spectrum. So if she is saying or defining them

571
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 2: as a little more ratchet, I imagine maybe she's wondering

572
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,040
Speaker 2: that it might feel uncomfortable or they might think that

573
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,760
Speaker 2: she's bougie or snobby or whatever the case may be.

574
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:30,240
Speaker 2: And so again with openness, with curiosity, but also just

575
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,080
Speaker 2: being transparent of this is how I do things, or

576
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,399
Speaker 2: this is how I was raised, and I wasn't able

577
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,840
Speaker 2: to meet you all or have these experiences, but I

578
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 2: really want to have these experiences now, and please tell

579
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:45,040
Speaker 2: me what I can. I know for myself. Sometimes if

580
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,080
Speaker 2: I'm speaking with my grandparents or I'm wanting to gain

581
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:51,160
Speaker 2: family information. I'll say, is it okay if I record this?

582
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:54,040
Speaker 2: I really want to you know, remember this, or take

583
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:56,520
Speaker 2: lots of pictures or whatever the case may be. So

584
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,400
Speaker 2: I think going into it, obviously you're going to be

585
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:02,720
Speaker 2: nervous recognizing it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong,

586
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:07,520
Speaker 2: and you're using this opportunity to learn more and to

587
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:10,600
Speaker 2: be a part of this family and add to your

588
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:14,280
Speaker 2: extended family, and so approaching it with excitement as well.

589
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:17,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would add to that if you're on Facebook.

590
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:19,280
Speaker 1: I think Facebook has a lot of downfalls, but one

591
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:21,600
Speaker 1: of the upsides that I think a lot of family

592
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,920
Speaker 1: members are often on Facebook, and so it's very possible

593
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:27,080
Speaker 1: that you can do a lot of research before you

594
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 1: even go, Right, I don't know who cousins are and

595
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:31,480
Speaker 1: you know, so that may be helpful and may help

596
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,720
Speaker 1: you to feel a little more comfortable in the space,

597
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:35,400
Speaker 1: so that you know whose name is what.

598
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 2: Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah.

599
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,080
Speaker 1: I would also suggest maybe like finding one person that

600
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,440
Speaker 1: you're feeling closest to, So is there a cousin or

601
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:45,240
Speaker 1: somebody on your dad's side who you can do like

602
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:47,520
Speaker 1: some prep sessions with right, Okay, So I'm wanting to

603
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:49,440
Speaker 1: do more of this. Tell me who this is, what's

604
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:51,560
Speaker 1: the story here? You know, is there any kind of

605
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,680
Speaker 1: drama in the background that I need to be aware of,

606
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:56,560
Speaker 1: So getting yourself ready, I think for the situation, because

607
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,080
Speaker 1: I agree with you, like it wasn't necessarily her fault

608
00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:00,960
Speaker 1: that she didn't necessarily grow up with them. But I

609
00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:04,120
Speaker 1: think going into it with curiosity and saying I want

610
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:06,960
Speaker 1: to do this now, maybe even apologizing like I'm sorry

611
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:08,720
Speaker 1: it's taken so long, but I really want to get

612
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:10,800
Speaker 1: to know you all. I think that that could be

613
00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:12,640
Speaker 1: something that makes her feel more comfortable too.

614
00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:15,240
Speaker 2: And even when you talked about if there's one person

615
00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:19,160
Speaker 2: in the family, I imagine if it's her dad's side, maybe

616
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,520
Speaker 2: she's always had a relationship with her dad or hopefully

617
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:25,200
Speaker 2: he is more accessible and that can be the leeway too.

618
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:27,760
Speaker 2: Of I know, I haven't really been able to spend

619
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:30,560
Speaker 2: time with your side of the family, but I want

620
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,760
Speaker 2: to get to know people more. What are some things

621
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,520
Speaker 2: that I should be aware of? Who is who in

622
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 2: that way too? So yeah, I think that's a great idea.

623
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:43,160
Speaker 2: Especially the Facebook. Between Facebook Instagram tagged photos, you could

624
00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:45,120
Speaker 2: probably put together a family tree.

625
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:47,680
Speaker 1: Right, far more is out there about us than we

626
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:48,720
Speaker 1: even want to know.

627
00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:50,680
Speaker 2: For sure.

628
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 1: So you know, we talked about like all of these

629
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:56,440
Speaker 1: things and how to kind of navigate all of this.

630
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:59,360
Speaker 1: But I think it is important, especially around the holidays,

631
00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:01,800
Speaker 1: because it is all also often one of the times

632
00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:04,400
Speaker 1: of the year where we like have like a significant

633
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:06,760
Speaker 1: amount of time off for a lot of people, And

634
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:09,880
Speaker 1: so I think also thinking about how we can get

635
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,280
Speaker 1: in some self care and take care of ourselves during

636
00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 1: the holidays are important. So what suggestions would you have

637
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:18,560
Speaker 1: for people about like how to fit time in even

638
00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 1: if they're hosting, Right, So let's say the whole family

639
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:22,880
Speaker 1: is come into your house, Like, how do you still

640
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:25,360
Speaker 1: get in some alone time? How do you sneak away

641
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:27,680
Speaker 1: so that you still have some time for yourself during

642
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 1: all this?

643
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:32,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think a great way is depending on the person.

644
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,560
Speaker 2: Maybe it looks like waking up a little earlier, so

645
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:38,280
Speaker 2: before the house gets lively and everyone's awake, you have

646
00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:40,840
Speaker 2: some alone time that way. Or maybe it looks like

647
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,720
Speaker 2: just saying, hey, I need a moment. I'm gonna step

648
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:46,840
Speaker 2: away for a second. Maybe it doesn't look like how

649
00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:48,760
Speaker 2: it would typically look because you have a whole bunch

650
00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:51,400
Speaker 2: of guests or people in your house. But maybe it's

651
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:53,920
Speaker 2: you go somewhere and listen to your favorite song, or

652
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:56,840
Speaker 2: you go take a walk really quickly, or you have

653
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,640
Speaker 2: a moment with your partner, because sometimes with family in town,

654
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:02,520
Speaker 2: maybe it can feel like you and your partner are disconnected.

655
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,880
Speaker 2: So finding out what self care looks like for you

656
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:08,080
Speaker 2: in that moment and what you're needing. Maybe you are

657
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:11,520
Speaker 2: just needing quiet time to be alone, but maybe you're

658
00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:13,480
Speaker 2: needing to feel like me and my partner are still

659
00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:14,960
Speaker 2: a team and even though there's a whole bunch of

660
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:19,640
Speaker 2: people in our space, we have this connection and we're here.

661
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:22,760
Speaker 2: So I would definitely say being transparent about it. It

662
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:24,640
Speaker 2: doesn't have to be in a I need a break

663
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:26,840
Speaker 2: from y'all in a rude way or anything like that.

664
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:29,720
Speaker 2: But just hey, you know what, I've been cooking all day.

665
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:31,920
Speaker 2: I'm going to take a second and go upstairs to

666
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:36,520
Speaker 2: rest or before we go out and see The Nutcracker

667
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:39,400
Speaker 2: or watch this movie. I'm gonna take a moment really

668
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,280
Speaker 2: quickly to get ready or something like that, you know.

669
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:47,320
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm h More from our conversation after the break.

670
00:32:57,240 --> 00:32:59,440
Speaker 1: So I think something else with that is that our

671
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:02,560
Speaker 1: willness press practices often get disrupted. Right, So if we're traveling,

672
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:04,600
Speaker 1: maybe we don't have access to our gym or the

673
00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:06,960
Speaker 1: equipment that we have at home. So what tips or

674
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:09,360
Speaker 1: strategies would you offer for how to kind of stay

675
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:12,160
Speaker 1: connected to where our wellness practice is during this time.

676
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:16,000
Speaker 2: I'm often the one traveling because I'm single with no kids,

677
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,760
Speaker 2: so I have to go to everyone else, and some

678
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:21,840
Speaker 2: things I know will get disrupted, like I've been going

679
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:23,959
Speaker 2: to bar class. Obviously I can't do that when I'm

680
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:28,320
Speaker 2: on vacation. But there's other parts of my wellness or

681
00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:31,000
Speaker 2: my morning routine that I can do anywhere. So maybe

682
00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:33,800
Speaker 2: it looks like downloading a certain app, like I use

683
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:36,440
Speaker 2: to Shine app for mindfulness and to practice gratitude, so

684
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:40,160
Speaker 2: even if I'm not home, I can access that. Or

685
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:43,320
Speaker 2: maybe there's something that replaces what you would normally do

686
00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:45,240
Speaker 2: if you're used to going to the gym and you

687
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:48,000
Speaker 2: don't have that outlet, maybe it looks like going for

688
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:51,400
Speaker 2: a walk that where you're still getting some energy, still

689
00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:54,920
Speaker 2: moving your body, still getting some movement. So I think

690
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:58,480
Speaker 2: tweaking what your wellness practice looks like it could also

691
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 2: look like inviting others to join you. Right, So maybe

692
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,840
Speaker 2: it feels like I don't have time to step away,

693
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:07,480
Speaker 2: But you know what, maybe someone else wants to go

694
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,120
Speaker 2: for a walk with me. Maybe that can be a

695
00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:11,600
Speaker 2: way to connect with an in law or connect with

696
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,759
Speaker 2: a family member that I'm close to, and we just

697
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:17,239
Speaker 2: want some time just to ourselves to talk for a bit.

698
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:20,920
Speaker 2: So I would definitely say adding people in if possible,

699
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:25,279
Speaker 2: incorporating or finding some aspects of your wellness routine that

700
00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:28,640
Speaker 2: can be done regardless of where you are, and prioritizing

701
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:33,799
Speaker 2: that and switching up or making some compromises or concessions

702
00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:38,000
Speaker 2: that maybe my wellness won't look the exact same, but

703
00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:40,600
Speaker 2: it can still bring me the same type of feelings.

704
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:43,200
Speaker 1: Sir Jordan, when you mentioned you're single with no kids,

705
00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:45,400
Speaker 1: or you're the one who's always having to travel, it

706
00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:47,720
Speaker 1: MAYE think you know, at some point you might decide

707
00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:49,239
Speaker 1: that you don't want to do that, or I think

708
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:51,360
Speaker 1: you have heard from community members who have said that

709
00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:53,719
Speaker 1: they are like tired of being the one hosting and

710
00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:55,600
Speaker 1: they don't want to do it anymore. So they actually

711
00:34:55,680 --> 00:34:57,920
Speaker 1: just want to travel during the holidays and they don't

712
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,759
Speaker 1: want to do any of that. So what often is

713
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,000
Speaker 1: how do you have this conversation like with your mama

714
00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:11,160
Speaker 1: and your grandma saying that you grandmamas, how do we

715
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:13,560
Speaker 1: have this conversation? And then I think the other part

716
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:15,359
Speaker 1: is like, how do you deal with the fallout right

717
00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:18,560
Speaker 1: of people maybe being upset or haven't hurt feelings?

718
00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:21,920
Speaker 2: So I haven't had to have the conversation myself yet

719
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:26,560
Speaker 2: because so far I haven't necessarily minded to the point

720
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:30,239
Speaker 2: where I'd want to stop. I do think that it's

721
00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:34,920
Speaker 2: a conversation of hey, it gets exhausting, or maybe offering

722
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:39,120
Speaker 2: some alternatives. I'm tired, I can't afford to travel. You know,

723
00:35:40,280 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 2: prices have been very extensive, so maybe it's either I

724
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:45,799
Speaker 2: can't afford or I just simply don't want to and

725
00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:48,520
Speaker 2: that's a reason enough. What would it be like for

726
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:51,120
Speaker 2: you all to come visit me instead? Or what would

727
00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:53,680
Speaker 2: it be like if I come two weeks later and

728
00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:56,560
Speaker 2: we do something else then? But for this holiday, I

729
00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:59,799
Speaker 2: just want time to myself, or I want to spend

730
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:01,600
Speaker 2: time with friends, or a lot of people like you said,

731
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:03,759
Speaker 2: are just they want to travel to an island or

732
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,080
Speaker 2: be on a beach because it's cold in November and December.

733
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:10,960
Speaker 2: So maybe it's a conversation of I really enjoy spending

734
00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:14,439
Speaker 2: time with you on I love this family, and while

735
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:16,920
Speaker 2: that's true, I also need a break and this is

736
00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:19,000
Speaker 2: the only time I can do it because this is

737
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,680
Speaker 2: when most people take time off, And this is what

738
00:36:21,719 --> 00:36:24,279
Speaker 2: it may look like. Maybe we can still create some

739
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:27,319
Speaker 2: family traditions. We can still speak on FaceTime. I'll still

740
00:36:27,360 --> 00:36:30,160
Speaker 2: be there for us to have our conversations, but I

741
00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:33,239
Speaker 2: am physically exhausted from always being the one that is

742
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:37,320
Speaker 2: expected to make the concessions or to make the changes.

743
00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:40,239
Speaker 2: If you are the one that's always hosting, then it

744
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:42,919
Speaker 2: can be like, hey, let's pass the baton. Why don't

745
00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:45,399
Speaker 2: we switch it up, Why don't we rotate? Maybe their

746
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,200
Speaker 2: siblings and I usually host. What if my sister hosts

747
00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:50,239
Speaker 2: this year, and the next year my brother hosts, and

748
00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:52,239
Speaker 2: then the year after that is back to me. Or

749
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:54,920
Speaker 2: what if we switch it around and make it a

750
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 2: little more fun where it's not always the pressure on

751
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,680
Speaker 2: me because I will burn out. And would you rather

752
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:04,839
Speaker 2: me be bitter and angry and resentful when we're having

753
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:07,920
Speaker 2: a family dinner and miserable, or would you rather just

754
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:12,160
Speaker 2: pause and reset? Refigure out what our traditions are going

755
00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:12,640
Speaker 2: to look like.

756
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:16,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that is important, right, because I think

757
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:18,839
Speaker 1: we get so stuck in the rut of just doing

758
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:21,239
Speaker 1: what we've always done and we don't have to think like, hey,

759
00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:23,239
Speaker 1: I actually don't have to do this anymore if I

760
00:37:23,239 --> 00:37:25,279
Speaker 1: don't want to. So I think it's an important thing

761
00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:26,280
Speaker 1: to consider.

762
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,520
Speaker 2: For sure, and the fallout there may be some, right,

763
00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:33,640
Speaker 2: because people, especially grandmas, tend to want things where they want,

764
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:35,839
Speaker 2: They want to see their grandbabies, they want things how

765
00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:41,560
Speaker 2: they want them. And just recognizing hopefully your family can

766
00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:45,200
Speaker 2: take the tradition and the expectations aside and hear that

767
00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:47,680
Speaker 2: you're in a sense crying out for help like I

768
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:50,560
Speaker 2: cannot do this anymore. I don't have the capacity to.

769
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:53,200
Speaker 2: And I know that this maybe messes up what we're

770
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,799
Speaker 2: used to, but I need this break in order for

771
00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:00,360
Speaker 2: us to keep flowing and functioning well as a family.

772
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,120
Speaker 1: So what do you think that non black family members

773
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,400
Speaker 1: can do to support the black women and girls in

774
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:09,120
Speaker 1: their lives during this holiday season?

775
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:15,360
Speaker 2: I think be understanding too, and it might be difficult

776
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:19,200
Speaker 2: to be understanding, but recognize that there are added pressures

777
00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:23,840
Speaker 2: that we as black women face, especially if we're moms,

778
00:38:24,239 --> 00:38:27,000
Speaker 2: but especially if we're also single, and especially if we're

779
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:30,799
Speaker 2: the oldest daughter or the oldest in the family. There

780
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:34,040
Speaker 2: are just added pressures where people expect us to do

781
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 2: it all. And maybe as the non black partner or

782
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:41,640
Speaker 2: as a partner observing first year, you can just see

783
00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:45,200
Speaker 2: but then validate us and let us know you're not

784
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:48,240
Speaker 2: crazy for feeling this way. I see that your family

785
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,799
Speaker 2: members are putting a lot of pressure on you, or

786
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,879
Speaker 2: I notice that this is happening. This must be really

787
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:55,319
Speaker 2: hard for you. Is there anything that I can do

788
00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:59,000
Speaker 2: to help you? Would you want me to respond to

789
00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:01,160
Speaker 2: these invites? Would you want me to help you make

790
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,000
Speaker 2: the food so that you're not doing it yourself, Like

791
00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:05,360
Speaker 2: just finding a way where you can be a helping

792
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:08,960
Speaker 2: hand and also a space for them to vent and

793
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:13,480
Speaker 2: complain too, right, because again there's this expectation that everyone

794
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:17,759
Speaker 2: should be just happy and excited about the holidays, and

795
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,600
Speaker 2: when you are faced with a lot of the pressure

796
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:22,719
Speaker 2: and a lot of the planning and a lot of

797
00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:25,319
Speaker 2: them making sure stuff gets done, it's hard to do

798
00:39:25,360 --> 00:39:27,680
Speaker 2: that and you may just need someone to let you

799
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:30,719
Speaker 2: be mad and cry it out for a second. And

800
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:33,960
Speaker 2: to hug you and provide you that comfort and also

801
00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:35,600
Speaker 2: let you know, hey, you're doing a good job, or

802
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 2: I see you, or I see all that you're doing.

803
00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:41,799
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. So you mentioned earlier that you

804
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:44,640
Speaker 1: like to sometimes record conversations, like when you're talking, say oh,

805
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:46,520
Speaker 1: it's in the family, And I think that that's such

806
00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:49,520
Speaker 1: a beautiful idea, especially around the holidays, because that's often

807
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:52,120
Speaker 1: when a lot of us are together. What other kinds

808
00:39:52,120 --> 00:39:54,799
Speaker 1: of things would you suggest for people or that you

809
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:57,920
Speaker 1: hope people don't lose sight of as they are gathering

810
00:39:57,960 --> 00:39:59,640
Speaker 1: with family this holiday season.

811
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:03,360
Speaker 2: I think the biggest one is obviously, especially with COVID,

812
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:07,920
Speaker 2: life is short, and that what's most important is the

813
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:11,680
Speaker 2: time that we are spending, not always about the gifts,

814
00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:14,960
Speaker 2: not always about like who cooked what that is important,

815
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:17,960
Speaker 2: but focusing on, you know, really just the time that

816
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:22,880
Speaker 2: we're spending. I'm really big on capturing memories and moments,

817
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:24,920
Speaker 2: so I take a lot of pictures or record a

818
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:28,879
Speaker 2: lot of videos or voice notes because I'm really close

819
00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:31,120
Speaker 2: with all four of my grandparents and it's been a

820
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:33,560
Speaker 2: huge blessing to have all four of them still and

821
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:35,160
Speaker 2: so I try to make sure i'm not taking that

822
00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:37,799
Speaker 2: for granted. Maybe it looks like, you know, making sure

823
00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:39,759
Speaker 2: that you're not taking your siblings for granted or your

824
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:42,960
Speaker 2: parents for granted, because anything can happen at any moment,

825
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:45,719
Speaker 2: and really focusing on we have this time that we

826
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:48,799
Speaker 2: spend together. Let's be present, Let's try to maybe put

827
00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:52,640
Speaker 2: our phones down, Let's try to maybe not focus solely

828
00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:54,600
Speaker 2: on TV, or if we're going to focus on the TV,

829
00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:56,959
Speaker 2: it's like a movie or something that we all picked

830
00:40:57,000 --> 00:41:01,080
Speaker 2: out to watch together. I think another big thing again,

831
00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:06,360
Speaker 2: especially with COVID, we probably missed physical touch and hugs

832
00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:09,719
Speaker 2: and being able to see a family member and hold

833
00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:11,600
Speaker 2: them and spend time with them in that way too,

834
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:14,600
Speaker 2: And so really cherishing that I think is really important

835
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:15,120
Speaker 2: as well.

836
00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:18,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, really just being president. I think you said it

837
00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:23,480
Speaker 1: beautifully there. So Jordan, where can we stay connected with you?

838
00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:25,959
Speaker 1: What is your website as well as any social media

839
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:27,879
Speaker 1: handles you'd like to share? Oh?

840
00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:32,560
Speaker 2: Sure, My website is www dot therapy ismjam dot com.

841
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:34,960
Speaker 2: You can also find me on the Therapy for Black

842
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:37,360
Speaker 2: Girls website because I am an author, so I have

843
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:40,440
Speaker 2: a nice little page of all the articles that I've written.

844
00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:43,279
Speaker 2: And my social media is at therapy as my jam

845
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:45,520
Speaker 2: as well on Instagram and Twitter.

846
00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:47,520
Speaker 1: Perfect will we shorre to include all of that in

847
00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:49,680
Speaker 1: the show notes. Thank you so much for spending some

848
00:41:49,719 --> 00:41:51,640
Speaker 1: time with us today, Jordan, I appreciate it.

849
00:41:51,719 --> 00:41:53,920
Speaker 2: No problem, It was my pleasure. Thanks so much for having.

850
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:58,920
Speaker 1: Me once again. I'm grateful that Jordan was able to

851
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:02,120
Speaker 1: join me for this converse to learn more about her

852
00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:04,440
Speaker 1: and the work she's doing. Be sure to visit the

853
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:07,400
Speaker 1: show notes at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash Session

854
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:10,480
Speaker 1: three thirty two, and don't forget to text this episode

855
00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 1: to two of your girls right now. If you're looking

856
00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:16,360
Speaker 1: for a therapist in your area, check out our therapist

857
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:20,400
Speaker 1: directory at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash directory. And

858
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:22,719
Speaker 1: if you want to continue digging into this topic or

859
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:25,640
Speaker 1: just be in community with other sisters, come on over

860
00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:28,360
Speaker 1: and join us in the Sister Circle. It's our cozy

861
00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:31,400
Speaker 1: corner of the Internet designed just for black women. You

862
00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 1: can join us at community dot Therapy for Blackgirls dot com.

863
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:38,400
Speaker 1: This episode was produced by Frida Lucas, Elise Ellis, and

864
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:42,439
Speaker 1: Zaria Taylor. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford. Thank y'all

865
00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:45,000
Speaker 1: so much for joining me. Again this week. I look

866
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:48,120
Speaker 1: forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon.

867
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:49,640
Speaker 1: Take good care.

868
00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:54,040
Speaker 2: What's