WEBVTT - Second Cup: Be a better listener

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.

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<v Speaker 1>Good Morning. This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Today's tip is about how to be a better listener.

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<v Speaker 1>We all know people who are just a joy to

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<v Speaker 1>speak with. When we talk with these people, we leave

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<v Speaker 1>the conversation energized. We tend to seek out these people again.

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<v Speaker 1>We want to hang out with them, and we want

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<v Speaker 1>to do business with them. This podcast is all about

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<v Speaker 1>being efficient and effective with time, and being the sort

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<v Speaker 1>of person people seek out tends to be more efficient

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<v Speaker 1>than constantly asking people to pay attention to you. So

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<v Speaker 1>why do some people seem like such great conversationalists. What's

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<v Speaker 1>often going on is that these people are very skilled

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<v Speaker 1>at listening. Notice I said skilled at listening. Like many

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<v Speaker 1>things in life, listening is a skill. Just because anyone

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<v Speaker 1>can listen, just like anyone can write an essay or

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<v Speaker 1>play the drums, doesn't mean most people do it well.

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<v Speaker 1>But as with any skill, people can improve if they

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<v Speaker 1>choose to improve. One of the best ways to improve

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<v Speaker 1>is to stop doing one little and unfortunately kind of

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<v Speaker 1>automatic thing. The next time you're having a conversation, notice

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<v Speaker 1>what your brain is doing while the other person is talking.

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<v Speaker 1>As the person tells a story, what's on your mind.

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<v Speaker 1>If you are a normal human being, the odds are

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<v Speaker 1>good that you are thinking of a story to tell

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<v Speaker 1>that matches or perhaps tops, the other person's story. There

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<v Speaker 1>are lots of reasons we do this. One is that

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<v Speaker 1>in all conversations we tend to seek common ground. If

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<v Speaker 1>we discover similarities with our conversation partners, then we don't

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<v Speaker 1>need to be threats to each other, which is a

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<v Speaker 1>good thing. So our brains automatically search for similarities, but

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<v Speaker 1>they're also a little bit of competition going on too.

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<v Speaker 1>We want the other person to acknowledge us, to pay

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<v Speaker 1>attention to us. We want a certain amount of the

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<v Speaker 1>conversation time centered on us, because of course, we all

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<v Speaker 1>find ourselves fascinating. It makes complete sense, But here's why

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<v Speaker 1>it's a problem. As your brain seeks out a story

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<v Speaker 1>to match or top the other persons, you aren't paying

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<v Speaker 1>attention to what he or she is saying. You miss details,

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<v Speaker 1>you miss nuance, and you miss opportunity. Because if someone

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<v Speaker 1>is telling you something difficult, like she's really concerned about

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<v Speaker 1>a sick friend, she actually doesn't want to hear that

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<v Speaker 1>you once had a friend who was sick too. You

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<v Speaker 1>strengthen the relationship by validating her feelings and supporting her.

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<v Speaker 1>Everyone likes to feel heard, so if you want to

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<v Speaker 1>be a better listener, commit to quitting the wait until

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<v Speaker 1>you hear what happened to me habit while the other

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<v Speaker 1>person is talking. Don't hunt through your memory for a

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<v Speaker 1>similar story. Don't be watching for the person to take

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<v Speaker 1>a breath so you can launch into your tail instead.

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<v Speaker 1>I like this suggestion I've heard from a great many

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<v Speaker 1>good listeners, a phrase that is actually the title of

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<v Speaker 1>a new book by Kelly Corrigan on the most potent

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<v Speaker 1>things we say to each other. Try saying tell me more.

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<v Speaker 1>Then the person can indeed tell you more if they'd

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<v Speaker 1>like to, Or you can try something else that's equally validating,

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<v Speaker 1>like that must have been so stressful, or tell me

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<v Speaker 1>how you solve that problem. You can repeat back something

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<v Speaker 1>the person said, or even ask something very specific to

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<v Speaker 1>their story, giving them the option to elaborate in the

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<v Speaker 1>form of a question, Oh, you always have such adventures.

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<v Speaker 1>When you lost your passport on your honeymoon, what did

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<v Speaker 1>you have to change about your trip? Most likely, the

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<v Speaker 1>person will be thrilled to continue with her story and

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<v Speaker 1>you might learn something fascinating, you might learn something useful,

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<v Speaker 1>and most likely, eventually your conversation partner will ask you

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<v Speaker 1>something and then you can tell any story you want.

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<v Speaker 1>You'll still will get a chance to talk about yourself,

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<v Speaker 1>but with the added benefit that the other person now

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<v Speaker 1>thinks you're a wonderful listener rather than someone who just

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<v Speaker 1>wants to talk about ourselves, just like all of us

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<v Speaker 1>want to talk about ourselves. You will have actually listened

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<v Speaker 1>to what the person was saying, rather than spending time

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<v Speaker 1>racking your memory for similar stories. And if the other

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<v Speaker 1>person never gets around to asking you about yourself, well

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<v Speaker 1>it could happen, But so what. You now know this

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<v Speaker 1>about the person, and you can go judge for yourself

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<v Speaker 1>whether it's worth pursuing a relationship. But that has nothing

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<v Speaker 1>to do with whether you got to tell your story

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<v Speaker 1>three minutes earlier in the conversation or not. So today,

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<v Speaker 1>when you're talking with someone, try listening without dreaming up

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<v Speaker 1>the next story you'll tell. See what happens. You might

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<v Speaker 1>be surprised where the conversation leads. In the meantime, this

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<v Speaker 1>is Laura, Thanks for listening, and here's to making the

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<v Speaker 1>most of our time. Hey everybody, I'd love to hear

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<v Speaker 1>from you. You can send me your tips, your questions,

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<v Speaker 1>or anything else. Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook

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<v Speaker 1>and Instagram at Before Breakfast Pod. That's b E the

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<v Speaker 1>number four, then Breakfast p o D. You can also

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<v Speaker 1>shoot me an email at Before Breakfast podcast. At i

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<v Speaker 1>heeart media dot com that Before Breakfast is spelled out

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<v Speaker 1>with all the letters. Thanks so much, I look forward

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<v Speaker 1>to staying in touch. Before Breakfast is a production of

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<v Speaker 1>I heart Radio. For more podcasts from my heart Radio,

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<v Speaker 1>visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

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