1 00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:06,400 Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio. 2 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:12,920 Speaker 1: Good Morning. This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. 3 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,160 Speaker 1: Today's tip is about how to be a better listener. 4 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:19,400 Speaker 1: We all know people who are just a joy to 5 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,560 Speaker 1: speak with. When we talk with these people, we leave 6 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: the conversation energized. We tend to seek out these people again. 7 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,360 Speaker 1: We want to hang out with them, and we want 8 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,760 Speaker 1: to do business with them. This podcast is all about 9 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,880 Speaker 1: being efficient and effective with time, and being the sort 10 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:39,280 Speaker 1: of person people seek out tends to be more efficient 11 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:43,239 Speaker 1: than constantly asking people to pay attention to you. So 12 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:47,160 Speaker 1: why do some people seem like such great conversationalists. What's 13 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 1: often going on is that these people are very skilled 14 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:56,240 Speaker 1: at listening. Notice I said skilled at listening. Like many 15 00:00:56,280 --> 00:01:00,000 Speaker 1: things in life, listening is a skill. Just because anyone 16 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,960 Speaker 1: can listen, just like anyone can write an essay or 17 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,800 Speaker 1: play the drums, doesn't mean most people do it well. 18 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,840 Speaker 1: But as with any skill, people can improve if they 19 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:13,920 Speaker 1: choose to improve. One of the best ways to improve 20 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:18,480 Speaker 1: is to stop doing one little and unfortunately kind of 21 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:23,759 Speaker 1: automatic thing. The next time you're having a conversation, notice 22 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,120 Speaker 1: what your brain is doing while the other person is talking. 23 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:31,440 Speaker 1: As the person tells a story, what's on your mind. 24 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,039 Speaker 1: If you are a normal human being, the odds are 25 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,520 Speaker 1: good that you are thinking of a story to tell 26 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:42,720 Speaker 1: that matches or perhaps tops, the other person's story. There 27 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,479 Speaker 1: are lots of reasons we do this. One is that 28 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:48,920 Speaker 1: in all conversations we tend to seek common ground. If 29 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,480 Speaker 1: we discover similarities with our conversation partners, then we don't 30 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 1: need to be threats to each other, which is a 31 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 1: good thing. So our brains automatically search for similarities, but 32 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 1: they're also a little bit of competition going on too. 33 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,680 Speaker 1: We want the other person to acknowledge us, to pay 34 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,040 Speaker 1: attention to us. We want a certain amount of the 35 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,560 Speaker 1: conversation time centered on us, because of course, we all 36 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:15,880 Speaker 1: find ourselves fascinating. It makes complete sense, But here's why 37 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 1: it's a problem. As your brain seeks out a story 38 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:22,520 Speaker 1: to match or top the other persons, you aren't paying 39 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:26,120 Speaker 1: attention to what he or she is saying. You miss details, 40 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 1: you miss nuance, and you miss opportunity. Because if someone 41 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,840 Speaker 1: is telling you something difficult, like she's really concerned about 42 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:37,000 Speaker 1: a sick friend, she actually doesn't want to hear that 43 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,600 Speaker 1: you once had a friend who was sick too. You 44 00:02:39,639 --> 00:02:43,160 Speaker 1: strengthen the relationship by validating her feelings and supporting her. 45 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:47,519 Speaker 1: Everyone likes to feel heard, so if you want to 46 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: be a better listener, commit to quitting the wait until 47 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,399 Speaker 1: you hear what happened to me habit while the other 48 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: person is talking. Don't hunt through your memory for a 49 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,760 Speaker 1: similar story. Don't be watching for the person to take 50 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:05,359 Speaker 1: a breath so you can launch into your tail instead. 51 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,959 Speaker 1: I like this suggestion I've heard from a great many 52 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,800 Speaker 1: good listeners, a phrase that is actually the title of 53 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:13,440 Speaker 1: a new book by Kelly Corrigan on the most potent 54 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:19,400 Speaker 1: things we say to each other. Try saying tell me more. 55 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,760 Speaker 1: Then the person can indeed tell you more if they'd 56 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,840 Speaker 1: like to, Or you can try something else that's equally validating, 57 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:29,360 Speaker 1: like that must have been so stressful, or tell me 58 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,400 Speaker 1: how you solve that problem. You can repeat back something 59 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,880 Speaker 1: the person said, or even ask something very specific to 60 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,960 Speaker 1: their story, giving them the option to elaborate in the 61 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,839 Speaker 1: form of a question, Oh, you always have such adventures. 62 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 1: When you lost your passport on your honeymoon, what did 63 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,960 Speaker 1: you have to change about your trip? Most likely, the 64 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,560 Speaker 1: person will be thrilled to continue with her story and 65 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:52,040 Speaker 1: you might learn something fascinating, you might learn something useful, 66 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 1: and most likely, eventually your conversation partner will ask you 67 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 1: something and then you can tell any story you want. 68 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 1: You'll still will get a chance to talk about yourself, 69 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 1: but with the added benefit that the other person now 70 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 1: thinks you're a wonderful listener rather than someone who just 71 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,760 Speaker 1: wants to talk about ourselves, just like all of us 72 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,760 Speaker 1: want to talk about ourselves. You will have actually listened 73 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,520 Speaker 1: to what the person was saying, rather than spending time 74 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:18,400 Speaker 1: racking your memory for similar stories. And if the other 75 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,000 Speaker 1: person never gets around to asking you about yourself, well 76 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:24,920 Speaker 1: it could happen, But so what. You now know this 77 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,320 Speaker 1: about the person, and you can go judge for yourself 78 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:31,119 Speaker 1: whether it's worth pursuing a relationship. But that has nothing 79 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,279 Speaker 1: to do with whether you got to tell your story 80 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 1: three minutes earlier in the conversation or not. So today, 81 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,599 Speaker 1: when you're talking with someone, try listening without dreaming up 82 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:45,160 Speaker 1: the next story you'll tell. See what happens. You might 83 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:49,360 Speaker 1: be surprised where the conversation leads. In the meantime, this 84 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 1: is Laura, Thanks for listening, and here's to making the 85 00:04:52,600 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: most of our time. Hey everybody, I'd love to hear 86 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,360 Speaker 1: from you. You can send me your tips, your questions, 87 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:07,200 Speaker 1: or anything else. Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook 88 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:12,120 Speaker 1: and Instagram at Before Breakfast Pod. That's b E the 89 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:16,440 Speaker 1: number four, then Breakfast p o D. You can also 90 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:19,800 Speaker 1: shoot me an email at Before Breakfast podcast. At i 91 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,960 Speaker 1: heeart media dot com that Before Breakfast is spelled out 92 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,719 Speaker 1: with all the letters. Thanks so much, I look forward 93 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:33,919 Speaker 1: to staying in touch. Before Breakfast is a production of 94 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,279 Speaker 1: I heart Radio. For more podcasts from my heart Radio, 95 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:41,279 Speaker 1: visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever 96 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:42,680 Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.