1 00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of 2 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:17,040 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and I'm 3 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 1: your host. I'm so glad you're here. Before we get started, 4 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,040 Speaker 1: quick reminder that although I'm a therapist and this is 5 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:26,279 Speaker 1: a podcast dedicated to mental health, this does not serve 6 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,440 Speaker 1: as a substitute or attempt to be a substitute for 7 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:33,239 Speaker 1: therapy itself. How well burr it may help. It may 8 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,519 Speaker 1: help you in regards to your mental health and hopefully 9 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:40,160 Speaker 1: today as we're talking about pleasure, your satisfaction with your life, 10 00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:43,040 Speaker 1: and it also might help get you into therapy if 11 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,680 Speaker 1: it's something that you haven't tried before. Now. I know 12 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:50,280 Speaker 1: this podcast usually deals with some heavy stuff, some serious stuff, 13 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,000 Speaker 1: but what I know to be true is that it 14 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,480 Speaker 1: is important to have balance in our lives. And that's 15 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:58,040 Speaker 1: actually part of the description of this podcast. We're talking 16 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,160 Speaker 1: about tough stuff and learning how to enjoy through it all. 17 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,760 Speaker 1: Things can't be serious all of the time. We don't 18 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:07,040 Speaker 1: need to be working on ourselves seven or always trying 19 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,280 Speaker 1: to figure things out, always try to better ourselves. Sometimes 20 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:13,680 Speaker 1: it's okay to just recharge, and I've learned that it's 21 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,760 Speaker 1: actually necessary to just enjoy life for the sake of 22 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 1: enjoying life sometimes and just feel good. And feeling good 23 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:22,760 Speaker 1: isn't bad. I don't know who needs to hear that. 24 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:26,119 Speaker 1: It reminds me of my annoyance with people talking about 25 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,759 Speaker 1: how busy they are or how hard and how much 26 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 1: they work. And I did an episode on this a 27 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,600 Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago and talked about how the hustle 28 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:38,039 Speaker 1: culture is turning into burnout culture and we cannot just 29 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:40,760 Speaker 1: keep trying to trick ourselves into thinking that we love 30 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: working seven we need to enjoy ourselves. Also, I need 31 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:48,960 Speaker 1: to mention that feeling good is not something you have 32 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,200 Speaker 1: to earn. We confuse this sometimes because of the reward 33 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 1: systems that our world revolves around, which aren't all bad. 34 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:59,520 Speaker 1: They're helpful at times. But pleasure is necessary for a 35 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,280 Speaker 1: full life, and you don't have to earn a full life. 36 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,920 Speaker 1: We are allowed to attempt to attain it, regardless of 37 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 1: who we are, what we've done. So why why am 38 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,920 Speaker 1: I talking about this? Glad I start out with this 39 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 1: little soapbox. Well, because last week Amy, my friend Amy 40 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:18,000 Speaker 1: who hosts Four Things with Amy Brown that podcast and 41 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,480 Speaker 1: also whose podcast network I'm on, Hello, sent me this 42 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,520 Speaker 1: post from the Angry Therapist, and it was all about pleasure, 43 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,920 Speaker 1: and I want to read it to you all because 44 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,600 Speaker 1: this guy has a point and we need to talk 45 00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:33,880 Speaker 1: about it. He writes, take your pleasure seriously. If you've 46 00:02:33,919 --> 00:02:37,120 Speaker 1: only had gas station sushi, you probably won't crave it much. 47 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,600 Speaker 1: If sex has only felt like an obligation, you won't 48 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,280 Speaker 1: know what it feels to be naturally high. If you've 49 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 1: never hugged canyons on motorcycle, you may not understand what 50 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,799 Speaker 1: it means to be one with a machine. If you 51 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 1: never jumped out of a plane, got lost in a city, 52 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: slept underneath stars, danced until the sun came up, you 53 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,760 Speaker 1: may feel that life is cold soup. Without pleasure threaded 54 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,680 Speaker 1: into your life, work will taste bland. What if you 55 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:06,320 Speaker 1: love work, wonderful, but you must also take in play 56 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 1: for life to shine. And that's play must be taken 57 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 1: seriously in order to know how much you've needed it. 58 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,239 Speaker 1: A lot of times we don't know how much we've 59 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,919 Speaker 1: needed something because we never allowed ourselves to have it. 60 00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:19,400 Speaker 1: Most of us do not love our work. As a 61 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 1: matter of fact, most of us dread it. So while 62 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,000 Speaker 1: we're searching for passion and purpose, stretching our bright spots 63 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,640 Speaker 1: maybe the only reminder that there is more to life 64 00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:30,560 Speaker 1: than living it. Pleasure doesn't just fall in our lap. 65 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: We must seek it, create it, and lean backwards into 66 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 1: it with our eyes closed and arms folded like it's 67 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 1: a test. Because it is. And if you fail, your 68 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 1: relationship with your life will be on thin ice. Your 69 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 1: world will be small, your thoughts will be narrow. There's 70 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,320 Speaker 1: more to life than money or the ability to make money. 71 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,520 Speaker 1: There's more to life than finding love. There is more 72 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,600 Speaker 1: to life than raising children. There is more to life 73 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 1: than finding your purpose. A complete life also means to 74 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,840 Speaker 1: experience pleasure. For many, it's to cult to accept this. 75 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:04,480 Speaker 1: Pleasure is aligned with guilt or feelings of undeserving. This 76 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,480 Speaker 1: is programming, and it stems from early on, from our upbringing, 77 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:11,440 Speaker 1: the pressures we or they put on us. This mindset 78 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:15,000 Speaker 1: blocks the connection with ourselves. Our lives become incomplete and stale. 79 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,080 Speaker 1: We end up chasing things that don't matter. We eat 80 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,960 Speaker 1: ship and ship ourselves of life's truest nectar. And then 81 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,839 Speaker 1: in his caption, he wrote, how are you threatening pleasure 82 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:28,960 Speaker 1: into your life? And I really just love this, especially 83 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,039 Speaker 1: where he says, we end up chasing things that don't matter. 84 00:04:32,279 --> 00:04:36,840 Speaker 1: It's so true. We often spend so much time working 85 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:40,839 Speaker 1: towards or on things that don't actually feel all that great, 86 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,040 Speaker 1: and then life feels just very serious. We tend to 87 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 1: have timelines and deadlines, and we tend to focus on 88 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 1: the fact that we need to clean house and do 89 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,680 Speaker 1: the laundry and pick up the kids and go to 90 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,120 Speaker 1: the post office, and then we like need to get 91 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 1: this promotion, and we focus on finding a spouse, where 92 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,560 Speaker 1: we focus on saving enough money to buy a house. 93 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 1: And at the end of the day, you ever think 94 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,560 Speaker 1: about what part of the day you really enjoyed and 95 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,480 Speaker 1: did you enjoy any part of the day, or did 96 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: you enjoy any part of the day in the moment 97 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,479 Speaker 1: or do they just become memories something that was good 98 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,039 Speaker 1: but I don't know that I actually experienced it. And 99 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,120 Speaker 1: it is very important to note that I find it 100 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 1: valuable and necessary to have goals and to do good things, 101 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:23,800 Speaker 1: and I'm putting out there that it's just as important 102 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,680 Speaker 1: to enjoy your life, But like, what does that even mean? 103 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 1: Have you are to write down a list of things 104 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,839 Speaker 1: that you wanted to accomplish before you die, I want 105 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:32,560 Speaker 1: you to think about, like what would be on that list. 106 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 1: Maybe pause this and type it out now. I want 107 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,280 Speaker 1: you to think about if you have ever bent over 108 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:42,400 Speaker 1: to pick up a weed out of like the yard 109 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,839 Speaker 1: or garden or maybe a field. I don't know. Have 110 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,400 Speaker 1: you ever bent over to pick up a weed and 111 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,520 Speaker 1: then it actually was one of those vines, one of 112 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:51,839 Speaker 1: those vines that kind of weaves and tangles through the ground. 113 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:54,000 Speaker 1: I think that when we go after things like I 114 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,680 Speaker 1: mentioned above, the house, the spouse, the job, the kid, 115 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,400 Speaker 1: we imagine ourselves bending over and picking up a weed 116 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,479 Speaker 1: that just like comes straight out of the ground, root 117 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,719 Speaker 1: and all, like you know, that like satisfying experience. But 118 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,799 Speaker 1: really we end up getting that vine, and that vine 119 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:10,359 Speaker 1: is just like leading us to the next thing, and 120 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,719 Speaker 1: we never get that feeling of satisfaction of like actually 121 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,320 Speaker 1: pulling it up with the root. So my next question 122 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,839 Speaker 1: for y'all is where does enjoying yourself rank on that 123 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,680 Speaker 1: list you made, like made a list of things that 124 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,280 Speaker 1: you want to accomplish before you die. Where did you 125 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:27,680 Speaker 1: put enjoy yourself? Where did you put experienced pleasure? Because 126 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 1: buying a house doesn't actually equal a life, well, lived 127 00:06:32,279 --> 00:06:36,039 Speaker 1: in my personal slash professional opinion. So what does like? 128 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,080 Speaker 1: What does a life well lived mean? And why are 129 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:42,159 Speaker 1: you talking about pleasure like? Why? So? I found this 130 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:46,160 Speaker 1: article from The Atlantic written by this man by Arthur C. 131 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,640 Speaker 1: Brooks in January. It was titled there are two kinds 132 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,240 Speaker 1: of Happy People, and right under the title, the subtitle 133 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:55,080 Speaker 1: read some of us strive for a virtuous life, others 134 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 1: strive for a pleasant one. We could all use a 135 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,040 Speaker 1: better balance. And at the end of the art a 136 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,799 Speaker 1: coal he wrote, the deeper point in all of this 137 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,040 Speaker 1: is an ancient one. A balanced approach to happiness in 138 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 1: life is best. In as essay the Natural History of Intellect, 139 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:14,400 Speaker 1: Ralph Waldo Emerson put it concisely, characters and talents are 140 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:20,280 Speaker 1: complemental and suppletory. The world stands by balanced antagonisms. So 141 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 1: what I got from reading this entire article, and I 142 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 1: will post it so you guys can read it as well, 143 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,320 Speaker 1: is that we can't just do the right things to 144 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 1: feel satisfied at the end of the day. We need 145 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,440 Speaker 1: pleasurable stuff too. We need both. And I was doing 146 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,920 Speaker 1: some reading preparing for this episode, and I started to 147 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 1: get really confused because I kept seeing the word pleasure 148 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,600 Speaker 1: and happiness, and all these things tangled up and I 149 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 1: was like, okay, well, what is the difference between the 150 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: two of those. I think it's important that we note 151 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,640 Speaker 1: that before we go on any further. And I will 152 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 1: say it's easy to get these confused because I just 153 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,880 Speaker 1: went straight to the Webster's Dictionary to say, like, oh, 154 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 1: what's this definition that will be helpful. Well, Pleasure was 155 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 1: defined as a feeling of happy, satisfaction, enjoyment, and happy 156 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 1: was defined as feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Those 157 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,880 Speaker 1: two definitions combined make my head do like weird criss 158 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 1: cross circle things. I can't do anything with that, So 159 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,760 Speaker 1: I'm going to give you my explanation of the difference, 160 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,280 Speaker 1: and happiness is more of a state of being, where 161 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,280 Speaker 1: pleasure is an experience. To find happiness a state of being, 162 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,400 Speaker 1: you're gonna need pleasure. Also side note, but also this 163 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:26,360 Speaker 1: is related to what we're talking about. Dopamine is the 164 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:31,280 Speaker 1: neurotransmitter that is most notably involved in helping us feel pleasure. 165 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,040 Speaker 1: You will see that all the time. And if you're 166 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,839 Speaker 1: like puts a neurotransmitter. A neurotransmitter are like chemical messengers 167 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,200 Speaker 1: in our brains, they bring messages to other cells in 168 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,440 Speaker 1: the body. But the side note that I'm trying to 169 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:46,520 Speaker 1: make here is this is actually pretty confused in mainstream 170 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 1: world that dopamine is responsible for us feeling pleasure. The 171 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:55,000 Speaker 1: truth is, dopamine definitely helps us experience pleasure, but it's 172 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,160 Speaker 1: not what creates it. It alone is not pleasure itself. 173 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,760 Speaker 1: The rewards center in our brain releases dopamine in response 174 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:06,160 Speaker 1: to pleasural experiences, but dopamine doesn't actually make you feel good. 175 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:08,679 Speaker 1: What it does is it helps you remember what made 176 00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 1: you feel good, and it contributes to motivation and like 177 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:15,120 Speaker 1: you doing it again and repeating those things you see 178 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:18,000 Speaker 1: all the time, Like dopamine is like the pleasure drug 179 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:23,200 Speaker 1: or whatever, when reality is oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins all 180 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:28,520 Speaker 1: are also neuro transmitters that actually and of themselves feel good. 181 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,280 Speaker 1: So I just felt like I wanted to say that 182 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 1: because I saw a lot of that as I was 183 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: preparing for this episode as well, and it's confusing. Listen, 184 00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:38,600 Speaker 1: I don't get all of that brain science either, but 185 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:47,320 Speaker 1: I do understand that part of it. So we have 186 00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:52,280 Speaker 1: established so far that we can't achieve true happiness without pleasure, 187 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,240 Speaker 1: we just can't. Pleasure is something that adds joy to 188 00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:00,160 Speaker 1: our lives. We need joy. A life without pleasure, and 189 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,600 Speaker 1: a life without joy is not really a life that 190 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:06,120 Speaker 1: I personally want to live. I think sometimes we unassumingly 191 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,400 Speaker 1: end up taking this martyr role that very much mirrors 192 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:13,240 Speaker 1: a victim mindset, where it feels like we can't take 193 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,360 Speaker 1: time for ourselves and we can't enjoy things like life 194 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,120 Speaker 1: is too hard, there's too much to do, there are 195 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,640 Speaker 1: too many people counting on me, et cetera. And yeah, 196 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,680 Speaker 1: it is true that some people have a way harder 197 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:29,600 Speaker 1: time finding pleasure because of their life circumstances. One I 198 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:33,800 Speaker 1: want to definitely acknowledge that. And we really have to 199 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 1: be careful choosing what lens we want to look out of. 200 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:42,160 Speaker 1: Very often we do not get to choose our circumstances. 201 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 1: Very often, what we always get to choose is the 202 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:49,800 Speaker 1: lens in which we look at our lives through. I 203 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:52,680 Speaker 1: got to talk to Donald Miller, who was an author 204 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,200 Speaker 1: and recently came out with a book called Here on 205 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,960 Speaker 1: a Mission. I got to talk to him last week 206 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,560 Speaker 1: on Amy Brown's podcast Four Things with Amy Brown. She 207 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 1: let me come to her interview for that episode with her, 208 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,680 Speaker 1: which by far my favorite episode of her podcast ever. 209 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,680 Speaker 1: It was so good. Donald gave us so much to 210 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,640 Speaker 1: think about, and one of the main things we talked 211 00:11:13,679 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 1: about were the different roles we take on in life 212 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,960 Speaker 1: and what each role tends to say in times of difficulty, 213 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,760 Speaker 1: and then how those things affect our satisfaction within our lives. 214 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:27,080 Speaker 1: The roles were victim, hero, and villain. We also talked 215 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,160 Speaker 1: about the Guide in this context of this conversation we're 216 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,200 Speaker 1: having with each other right now. The guides on it 217 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,000 Speaker 1: that important, but I want to tell you how he 218 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:39,079 Speaker 1: describes each one of those roles and how they respond 219 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:43,520 Speaker 1: to pain and adversity. So the victim gives into it, 220 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,959 Speaker 1: is buried by it, and he says they just don't try. 221 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:49,080 Speaker 1: The hero will accept it and then attempt to let 222 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:52,120 Speaker 1: it make them grow. And then the villain will take 223 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,720 Speaker 1: on this idea that the world has hurt me, so 224 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,199 Speaker 1: I'm going to hurt the world in return. And as 225 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: we were talking about those roles and how we respond 226 00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:03,320 Speaker 1: to adversity and pain and how to better respond so 227 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,040 Speaker 1: we can take on a hero mindset and love a 228 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,320 Speaker 1: more satisfying life, he offered us a couple of questions, 229 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: and one of the questions he offered us to ask was, 230 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,520 Speaker 1: what does this make possible? Even in the tough parts 231 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,120 Speaker 1: of life? What does this make possible? And the interesting 232 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: thing is, when I'm actually in the hardness of life, 233 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,600 Speaker 1: often what that hardness is doing is making possible for 234 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:28,400 Speaker 1: me to better appreciate the small things and find pleasure 235 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 1: in those things, which in turn actually has the potential 236 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,480 Speaker 1: for me to experience more pleasure if I'm able to 237 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:40,280 Speaker 1: notice and focus on the small things that are essentially 238 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 1: more available now. I think it's really important to note 239 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,600 Speaker 1: here that in the past couple of years, after toxic 240 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:50,839 Speaker 1: positivity has become a thing and we've been talking about 241 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,680 Speaker 1: it more in the public, a lot of people have 242 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 1: been afraid of talking about positivity in general, and this 243 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,400 Speaker 1: idea of like looking on the bright side. And I'm 244 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:04,080 Speaker 1: including that in that. I did an episode about toxic 245 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 1: positivity and the difference between that and optimism, and I 246 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 1: want to revisit this concept for a second, because I 247 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:14,400 Speaker 1: think it can be easily confused, and what I'm not 248 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:18,040 Speaker 1: doing is trying to like tell people to ignore the 249 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,560 Speaker 1: fact that tough things have happened to them, or they've 250 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 1: experienced trauma or any of that. Toxic positivity is when 251 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:28,600 Speaker 1: authentic feelings are dismissed by you or somebody else by 252 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:33,320 Speaker 1: basically like being coherst forced of only looking at good things. 253 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:38,160 Speaker 1: It involves more of just like dismissing feelings that are 254 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:43,679 Speaker 1: perceived as negative or not comfortable or a key and 255 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,800 Speaker 1: then responding to any of that distress with false reassurance 256 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:52,480 Speaker 1: rather than using empathy. So toxic positivity has its roots 257 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,439 Speaker 1: in the idea that feelings are either good or bad, 258 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:58,880 Speaker 1: and it invites us more into that morality of feelings. Now, 259 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:03,160 Speaker 1: being optimists stick is different, Asking what does this make possible? 260 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:07,120 Speaker 1: Is different. The thing about optimism is that optimistic people 261 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:11,080 Speaker 1: aren't just bypassing reality all the time. Optimism involves the 262 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:16,440 Speaker 1: very very very real idea and involves the belief in hope. Now, 263 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,920 Speaker 1: hopefulness is the ability to anticipate and believe in positive 264 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,920 Speaker 1: circumstances and improved outcomes despite what you're going through. And 265 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,960 Speaker 1: what we know from research is having hope actually increases 266 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:30,120 Speaker 1: the likelihood of finding what somebody is looking for. There's 267 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 1: a therapist that I found on Instagram about a year ago. 268 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:36,320 Speaker 1: His name is Matthias Barker, and he posted a video 269 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:39,960 Speaker 1: describing what it really means when somebody says it's going 270 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,240 Speaker 1: to be okay, and he says it's going to be okay, 271 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,680 Speaker 1: means that even when things don't go as planned, life 272 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 1: can still impress you. And that's what optimism means to me, 273 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:53,280 Speaker 1: not faking it, not rejecting true feelings, but acknowledging both. 274 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,200 Speaker 1: This isn't what I wanted and there's still possibilities out 275 00:14:56,240 --> 00:15:00,000 Speaker 1: there that maybe I haven't imagined yet. So when how 276 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,680 Speaker 1: upiness might be lacking, they have the ability to choose hope, 277 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,560 Speaker 1: which points you directly into a hero mindset. So what 278 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 1: does this make possible? The other question that Donald or 279 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: Don as he said we could call him encourage us 280 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 1: to ask, is what big thing is this preparing me for? 281 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,440 Speaker 1: I really like that one as well. Now back to 282 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,000 Speaker 1: the beginning, why is it so hard to cultivate pleasure? 283 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:24,720 Speaker 1: And also how do we do it? Time Magazine published 284 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 1: an article by Ellen Sideman in seventeen titled fourteen Ways 285 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: to Squeeze more Joy out of every Day, and in 286 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:34,200 Speaker 1: it they quoted a social psychologist at the University of 287 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 1: North Carolina at Chapel Hill named Barbara Frederickson, saying, when 288 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 1: you're young, other people orchestrate your enjoyment of life. Your 289 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 1: parents keep you entertained, and in college your friends make 290 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,920 Speaker 1: sure you're okay. But after that, the scaffolding of having 291 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,200 Speaker 1: a good day is taken away, and nobody's telling you 292 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,680 Speaker 1: how to provide that for yourself. Ellen Sidman writes, what's 293 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,360 Speaker 1: also tricky is staying happy when you have work to do, 294 00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:03,240 Speaker 1: kids to raise, bills to pay, and more work to do. Mercifully, big, costly, 295 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 1: splashy events are not what ultimately bring the bliss. As 296 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,040 Speaker 1: people get older, they tend to find ordinary treats just 297 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:14,440 Speaker 1: as joy inducing as extraordinary ones, found a study by 298 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 1: researchers at Dartmouth College and the University of Pennsylvania. With age, 299 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 1: the authors speculate, we're more aware of how fleeting time is, 300 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:27,360 Speaker 1: so we're particularly likely to relish everyday bright spots. So 301 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,080 Speaker 1: the good news here is what I'm reading in this article. 302 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,880 Speaker 1: Pleasure doesn't have to be just on vacations. It doesn't 303 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,560 Speaker 1: have to be something that costs a ton of money 304 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,080 Speaker 1: or even takes a ton of time. And I wanted 305 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,760 Speaker 1: to share with you some different ways I find pleasure 306 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,080 Speaker 1: and then challenge you to drum up some of your own. 307 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:47,200 Speaker 1: So how might I incorporate pleasure in my life? One 308 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,680 Speaker 1: thing that I do is I create little, baby, tiny 309 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:53,760 Speaker 1: habits for myself that might not sound like that crazy 310 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,640 Speaker 1: and that fun and that whatever, but I look forward 311 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,480 Speaker 1: to them and I also very much enjoy doing them 312 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:02,240 Speaker 1: in the moment. One of those is something that I've 313 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,640 Speaker 1: started this year. My boyfriend and I do the word 314 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:09,320 Speaker 1: altogether every single morning, and we make it a little competition. 315 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,240 Speaker 1: Often we'll bet things like the loser has to buy dinner, 316 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:16,000 Speaker 1: or the loser has to make coffee or something like that. 317 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,680 Speaker 1: I also set my alarm for a way before I 318 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,000 Speaker 1: need to get out of bed. Then I get to 319 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:23,639 Speaker 1: lay and enjoy the morning before I have to be 320 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:27,639 Speaker 1: anywhere or do anything, and I just really love that time. 321 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:31,040 Speaker 1: I also planned things, so I find it exciting to 322 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:34,240 Speaker 1: have things to look forward to. I really like knowing 323 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,320 Speaker 1: that the mundane or the routine of life will be interrupted. 324 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,240 Speaker 1: I get excited seeing a trip on the calendar, or 325 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,520 Speaker 1: a dinner or even just free time on my calendar, 326 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,520 Speaker 1: and it doesn't have to be a big thing. Like 327 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,760 Speaker 1: a trip. Even having a dinner with friends on a 328 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:52,720 Speaker 1: random Wednesday brings me pleasure. And then I also remember 329 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,520 Speaker 1: that pleasure gets to be service level, not everything has 330 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,320 Speaker 1: to have such a deep meaning. Like I was saying 331 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,879 Speaker 1: in the beginning of this podcast, like I can watch 332 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,000 Speaker 1: something just because it's funny. I can do something just 333 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:05,400 Speaker 1: because it feels good. I can eat something just because 334 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,000 Speaker 1: I enjoy the taste. And how I do those things 335 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:11,560 Speaker 1: is I watched what I call dumb TV. I've recently 336 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:15,359 Speaker 1: be watching Selling Sunset, for one, and I also I 337 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,640 Speaker 1: don't think this is dumb at all. I love New Girl. 338 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:20,520 Speaker 1: It's just a show that makes me laugh out loud, 339 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,240 Speaker 1: and I can watch it over and over and over 340 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:26,159 Speaker 1: and I don't have to think. And I really don't 341 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:29,399 Speaker 1: learn anything exceptional from watching that show, but I have 342 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:32,440 Speaker 1: a good time. I also follow a couple of comedians 343 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 1: on TikTok because I like getting those like sixty second 344 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:38,840 Speaker 1: bursts of energy from them. I know that's whatever they 345 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,440 Speaker 1: post I'm gonna laugh at. So I like them coming 346 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:45,000 Speaker 1: up in my feed and that brings me like pure joy. 347 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 1: And I listen to comedy podcasts. I don't always have 348 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,359 Speaker 1: to be bettering myself. You guys don't always have to 349 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 1: be bettering yourself. So maybe today you put this podcast 350 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:59,199 Speaker 1: on pause and listen to one that's just about laughter 351 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:03,400 Speaker 1: and things that won't change the essential trajectory of your 352 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,560 Speaker 1: life from their knowledge that they're imposing on you, but 353 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:10,080 Speaker 1: might change it long term because of the pleasure that 354 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:14,680 Speaker 1: they're giving you. And then I also always have candy 355 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:18,280 Speaker 1: in my house, and lately I've been stalking up also 356 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:21,359 Speaker 1: on popsicles. Do I need popsicles? Do I need candy 357 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:26,080 Speaker 1: to survive? No? Do I care? No? Because I want 358 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,399 Speaker 1: them and they feel good, and I eat them because 359 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,840 Speaker 1: they just taste delicious. And it gets to be that simple. 360 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,080 Speaker 1: So how can you start to get more pleasure in 361 00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:37,720 Speaker 1: your life? You can do one of those things, or 362 00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:40,960 Speaker 1: you can start with just like, identify the small things 363 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,520 Speaker 1: that just feel good for the sake of feeling good. 364 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,080 Speaker 1: Maybe that's putting the windows down in your car even 365 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,440 Speaker 1: though you just did your hair. Maybe it's a McDonald's 366 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,840 Speaker 1: diet coke because oh my gosh, those are so good. 367 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:54,520 Speaker 1: Maybe it's somebody playing with your hair or laying on fresh, 368 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 1: warm sheets which reminds me that I want to buy 369 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,720 Speaker 1: a towel warmer, and I think I'm going to do 370 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,840 Speaker 1: that today. May maybe it's buying shoes for the sake 371 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:05,880 Speaker 1: of comfort, or maybe it's buying shoes for the sake 372 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,639 Speaker 1: of what they look like because they make you happy, 373 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,840 Speaker 1: or maybe it's something like a bubble bath. Not me personally, 374 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:14,400 Speaker 1: I do not like those. But if those feel good, 375 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 1: you're not doing it as a means for recovery from 376 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:21,000 Speaker 1: a workout, although it might not hurt. You're literally just 377 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,200 Speaker 1: taking a bubble bath because it feels good. And if 378 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,680 Speaker 1: you're like, well, I don't know, I'm trying. I'm thinking 379 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,560 Speaker 1: I don't really know what's pleasurable to me. Just try 380 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,359 Speaker 1: things like this is your permission slip to go, like 381 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,920 Speaker 1: try a bunch of stuff. I had a friend who 382 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,560 Speaker 1: went to treatment years ago, and when she got home, 383 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,360 Speaker 1: she was like, I have to like re establish who 384 00:20:40,359 --> 00:20:42,440 Speaker 1: I am. I don't even know what I like anymore 385 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,639 Speaker 1: because I feel like I've just been like doing what 386 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:46,840 Speaker 1: I was supposed to do my whole life. And so 387 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,600 Speaker 1: she made a commitment to herself that I think it 388 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,120 Speaker 1: was like every six weeks she was going to try 389 00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:54,040 Speaker 1: a new hobby, and in that not only did she 390 00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:57,960 Speaker 1: learn about herself. She found things she loved that she 391 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,640 Speaker 1: never would have found otherwise, and she just found things 392 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,640 Speaker 1: she enjoyed for the sake of enjoyment. And she did 393 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 1: things like a taekwondo class, a pottery class, a what's 394 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,159 Speaker 1: it called when you're an improv class? Yeah, she did 395 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,199 Speaker 1: improv class, and she did tons of stuff and some 396 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,800 Speaker 1: of it stuck and some of it didn't. And so 397 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:19,040 Speaker 1: try things like make a commitment to just try things. 398 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,800 Speaker 1: And lastly, I feel like in all of this, I 399 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,800 Speaker 1: just want to say one of the most annoying things 400 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,280 Speaker 1: but also something that has to be said sometimes is 401 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,080 Speaker 1: just do this, please, just like do it. You may 402 00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:34,000 Speaker 1: never come to a place in your life where you 403 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:37,679 Speaker 1: finally feel like you deserve to just solely feel pleasure. 404 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,399 Speaker 1: And that's because this is not something that you have 405 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,439 Speaker 1: to deserve. This is not something that you earn, this 406 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,119 Speaker 1: is not any of that. Feeling pleasure and enjoying your 407 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,399 Speaker 1: life is something that you just get to do because 408 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,280 Speaker 1: you're a human being. And so if you're waiting until 409 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,440 Speaker 1: it feels like it's okay to do that, maybe you're 410 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,560 Speaker 1: gonna have to jump the gun here, because if you 411 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:58,439 Speaker 1: wait and this is not something that you actually deserve 412 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,200 Speaker 1: or earn. You may never end up trying these things, 413 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,679 Speaker 1: so you just gotta go go for it. So I'm 414 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,399 Speaker 1: going to leave you with the same thing that the 415 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,920 Speaker 1: person who actually encouraged this whole episode left me with 416 00:22:11,359 --> 00:22:14,560 Speaker 1: at the Angry Therapist on Instagram, and that is, how 417 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,280 Speaker 1: are you threading pleasure in your life? And if you 418 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,639 Speaker 1: can't answer that question, this whole episode is encouragement for 419 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,959 Speaker 1: you to go take time to figure that out because 420 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,480 Speaker 1: it is necessary. So thank you for sticking with me today. 421 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,440 Speaker 1: As always, I will be back talking to you guys 422 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 1: on Wednesday for couch Talks. If you have a question 423 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,800 Speaker 1: for couch Talks, you can send that to Catherine at 424 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:40,119 Speaker 1: you Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can follow me 425 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:42,479 Speaker 1: on Instagram at cat dot de fata, and you can 426 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:45,760 Speaker 1: follow the podcast at you Need Therapy Podcast on Instagram 427 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,560 Speaker 1: as well. I hope you guys have the day you 428 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:52,880 Speaker 1: need to have and seek the pleasure you need to experience. 429 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,520 Speaker 1: I don't know if that one's gonna stick, but it's 430 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,480 Speaker 1: just what came out of my mouth. So again, how 431 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:00,960 Speaker 1: the day you need to have? I will be back 432 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,520 Speaker 1: on Wednesday and don't forget. If you haven't reviewed, or 433 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,639 Speaker 1: rated or commented on the podcast, we would love you 434 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,640 Speaker 1: to do that. You can now rate on Spotify. If 435 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,520 Speaker 1: you have been feeling left out because you couldn't rate 436 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,800 Speaker 1: on Spotify, you can now so hit me with those 437 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 1: five stars. Thank you, and talk to you on Wednesday. Bye, guys,