Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called Defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it. This very podcast which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now. It's available
Speaker 1: ever rescue your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen
Speaker 1: right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.
Speaker 1: Go listen to see by Hey, y'all, we recorded these
Speaker 1: episodes before the news about COVID nineteen broke. We wanted
Speaker 1: to let you know that we're here for you and
Speaker 1: that we hope these episodes can bring you a little
Speaker 1: bit of joy and escape in these uncertain times. So listen.
Speaker 1: Whether you check the box of married, single, engaged, situation, ship, undecided,
Speaker 1: or none of the above, nothing beats quality time with
Speaker 1: your girlfriends did as Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our
Speaker 1: boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Speaker 1: I'm making most days. And one more important thing to mention,
Speaker 1: we're married, Yes, so we are. We created this podcast
Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennium Mattie Couple. Dead ass is a
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillows
Speaker 1: off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts now.
Speaker 1: All right, So I'm gonna take you back to my
Speaker 1: bridle shower, right my mom, bless her heart, We all
Speaker 1: love Mimi. Mimi was like, I want you to open
Speaker 1: my gift last, because so I was prepared, like tissue
Speaker 1: in hand. I'm like, this is about to be the
Speaker 1: most tear jerking gift. She probably has like letters that
Speaker 1: she wrote every day of my life for like the
Speaker 1: past twenty seven years. Like it had to be something
Speaker 1: that was gonna have me like on the floor. So
Speaker 1: I opened this box, you know, and it was like
Speaker 1: delicately wrapped with tissue paper and it was a nightgown.
Speaker 1: And it wasn't even like some joint from like Victoria's
Speaker 1: Secrets or like Frederick's of Hollywood, like one of them jams.
Speaker 1: My girl got me a satin nightgown that I hit
Speaker 1: the floor. It had the lace and the beating and
Speaker 1: the pearl applicated on the shoulders and in the neckline,
Speaker 1: nice little sweetheart joint, you know. And then it had
Speaker 1: the matching robe though with the shoulder pats like the
Speaker 1: hard ones that shot out. And my mother was wanting
Speaker 1: to me to wrap myself up with a bowl in
Speaker 1: this nightgown for DeVos so we can consummate our marriage.
Speaker 1: The night of the wedding, I was just like, Sis,
Speaker 1: that's not quite my speed. But I love you girl,
Speaker 1: I love you, Mimi, I love you momm So, guys,
Speaker 1: I've been working on my vocals for karaoke session and
Speaker 1: I have something special for you, guys. Have been working
Speaker 1: really hard at this song, um, and I just reached
Speaker 1: the point in my life right now where as a mom,
Speaker 1: as a wife, as a businesswoman, as an actor. You know,
Speaker 1: I just want things to be right, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. I need you to give it to me
Speaker 1: right or don't give it to me at all. And
Speaker 1: it goes a little something like this, Okay, Okay, he's
Speaker 1: got my number right. You can't. You can't only baby
Speaker 1: here rum either, you make the time or just forgive me.
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not trying to run your life. That's why,
Speaker 1: that's why I'm nobody's wife. Won't win. I want win,
Speaker 1: don't on it. You gotta be ready. I don't want
Speaker 1: it to the time, but when I get it, to
Speaker 1: be satisfied. So give it to me. Don't give it
Speaker 1: to me at all. And how about that? How about that? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let your hold that real quick, let that marinate,
Speaker 1: and then we'll be back with the meat of the show.
Speaker 1: All right, y'all. So it's ladies night. It's my last
Speaker 1: hurrah before renewing my marriage vowels, you're my wedding vows
Speaker 1: and whatnot. And usually back in the day, bridle showers
Speaker 1: were away for women to kind of get together with
Speaker 1: their closest women their tribe and helped to kind of
Speaker 1: raise money or start her off with her family and
Speaker 1: her new life. Um. Today, the tradition of women gathering
Speaker 1: in their you know, shared love space for this bride
Speaker 1: to prepare her for marriage is continued, but instead of
Speaker 1: you know, raising money for like a dowry or gifts,
Speaker 1: we get some shared advice as well. You share recipes,
Speaker 1: you do cute little games. Today I have some girls
Speaker 1: in the studio. You know, the guys can have their
Speaker 1: own little episode and do their own little thing. Um.
Speaker 1: But yeah, today I am talking to some special guests.
Speaker 1: So I have a confession to make. The first one
Speaker 1: being uh, that wasn't really me during karaoke. Um. I
Speaker 1: aspire though, and in my next life I will be
Speaker 1: a singer. That's one thing that I discussed with the
Speaker 1: Good Lord, and I was like, next time around, I
Speaker 1: need to be able to sing if I don't do
Speaker 1: anything else. Okay, But I happen to have somebody in
Speaker 1: the studio today who's not only an amazing singer, but
Speaker 1: she's a beautiful person. You know. I have a funny
Speaker 1: little story and I don't know if she remembers, but
Speaker 1: my very first time that I worked for the Hot
Speaker 1: Zone USA, I was doing a red carpet at an
Speaker 1: event at the forty forty Club in New York. And
Speaker 1: this was me fresh out of like retirement. And I
Speaker 1: say that because it was a hiatus more like that
Speaker 1: I had Jackson took some time off from work and
Speaker 1: was getting back into hosting again, and she was my
Speaker 1: very first red carpet interview. That I did at the
Speaker 1: forty forty club, and I don't remember if it was
Speaker 1: like the opening of the club, because I feel like
Speaker 1: we're going to be dating ourselves if we say it
Speaker 1: was the opening of the club. It was a while back.
Speaker 1: But in the studio today we have Melanie Fiona you Hello, Hello,
Speaker 1: what's up? So what's going on? Going on? Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: don't put me in the studio with that whatnot, fellow
Speaker 1: West Indian because it's a whole rap. She is a
Speaker 1: Grammy Award winning singer and songwriter and producer. But lately
Speaker 1: Melanie has been sharing another part of her life with us,
Speaker 1: and that's motherhood. And she has a YouTube channel, Motherhood
Speaker 1: and Music, where she gets very candid about her journey
Speaker 1: into motherhood. So thank you for joining me. Girl. Since
Speaker 1: I've moved out to here, to l A, I mean,
Speaker 1: she's been trying to get with me. I've been trying
Speaker 1: to get with her. And look, you know, the stars
Speaker 1: have a lined cam. Don't have no siblings running around
Speaker 1: you all the three. Just let me borrow all the
Speaker 1: plate just drop camel perfect and you can have a
Speaker 1: whole self care day. What about that? By you know,
Speaker 1: I understand what it means to have a little bit
Speaker 1: of just having an hour. If you want to sit
Speaker 1: in your car drop him off, sitting in your car
Speaker 1: in my driveway, Meditate, meditate, take a nap, what you
Speaker 1: gotta do. And also in the studio with me today,
Speaker 1: miss Cody Elaine Oliver. I absolutely love love Cody. So, Cody,
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to tell him a little bit about
Speaker 1: how you even found me, because I didn't find you.
Speaker 1: You found me. Indeed, how did you find me? Okay?
Speaker 1: So I had had my first child, Brooks Edward Oliver,
Speaker 1: and up late nursing. That's what we do when we
Speaker 1: have babies. And I'm on social media. I'm googling should
Speaker 1: my boob hurt? You know, all the normal things. But
Speaker 1: I'm on social and I see this couple. Right. I
Speaker 1: see this mom going like climbing the stairs in her
Speaker 1: apartment and her man is like filming it and he's like,
Speaker 1: look at that, but get a girl. It was like,
Speaker 1: this is six weeks postpartum or whatever it was. I
Speaker 1: do a deep dive and see that this woman has
Speaker 1: a child the same age as mine, this baby, this
Speaker 1: new baby, and I'm like, she's doing all these workouts
Speaker 1: and stuff looking all cute. I hate it, but I
Speaker 1: loved it. I thought you guys were hilarious and beautiful
Speaker 1: and you know, and of course your baby was what
Speaker 1: was he a couple of month? Like one who not
Speaker 1: maybe one month? Because that was Cairo that I had. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so he's on sept Yeah, so Brooks October October four. See,
Speaker 1: there we go, like three weeks ago. I was all
Speaker 1: kind of jealous, but also like inspired, and so that
Speaker 1: is how I found And I was inspired when I
Speaker 1: started to see videos of Brooks at eighteen months, recognizing
Speaker 1: shapes like octagon, all sorts that I said, well, my
Speaker 1: MoMA had the table shifting. You were you were feeling
Speaker 1: some kind of way watching me, and I was looking
Speaker 1: at Cairo like negro. You got Brooks over here, so
Speaker 1: safe and whatnot. So we're even Cody, we're even okay.
Speaker 1: But for those of you who don't know who Cody is,
Speaker 1: Cody is the mastermind behind the Black Love doc series
Speaker 1: on Own, which featured Devil and I a couple of
Speaker 1: years ago. And it's funny because Cody actually came over
Speaker 1: for that session and um, I got into a little
Speaker 1: like argument before she came in and I was like, well,
Speaker 1: fuck this interview. I'm not doing this ship no more.
Speaker 1: Blah blah blah. And if I was like, what do
Speaker 1: you mean you're outside the door right now, it's like, well,
Speaker 1: you don't answer it, and I'm gonna finish my makeup
Speaker 1: because I thought, come to find out, I was either
Speaker 1: pregnant with Katz at the time, or like maybe we
Speaker 1: made up that night. Yes, that's my belief. That's my
Speaker 1: personal belief that that night, Belie the Blacken, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. Essential definition. So you and Tommy, you're
Speaker 1: like honorary godparents. Speaking of this honorary godparents situation, you
Speaker 1: just offered Melanie the opportunity to drop her children off
Speaker 1: child child, child, child, okay, at your house, but I
Speaker 1: got three. I'm just wondering. It's the same sort of
Speaker 1: I would love to drop my child off at your
Speaker 1: house to you know, I'm trying to drop mine. Let
Speaker 1: me tell you it's it's easy because think about when
Speaker 1: you have babies or whatever. You're pregnant. Everyone's like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, when are your pregnant? Are you're pregnant? Right?
Speaker 1: I can't wait to see the baby. And then they
Speaker 1: kind of disappear. But when you can drop one child off,
Speaker 1: it's like no big deal. You drop off too, It's
Speaker 1: like okay. And after that it's like okay, you push
Speaker 1: it because you're trying to drop a whole last village.
Speaker 1: But the funny thing is, then you guys know this too.
Speaker 1: Is that like the more that they are, they kind
Speaker 1: of take care of each other. I don't know, because
Speaker 1: we're just the one. I'm like, where is your friends?
Speaker 1: Where are your friends? Where are where are they? Because
Speaker 1: definitely things to do. So I find that whenever there's
Speaker 1: more multiples around, he's like, he doesn't here, doesn't have
Speaker 1: time for me. So no, it's work. Jackson's you know,
Speaker 1: almost nine, so he's very responsible and nurturing, you know.
Speaker 1: So they'll all fit in where they get in and
Speaker 1: there and we just leave. Correct You just want to
Speaker 1: be clear, You guys just leave boys. We all have boys. Yes,
Speaker 1: it works. It works. So now that we got the
Speaker 1: intros out of the way, we're talking about little thing
Speaker 1: in commas of Melani. I don't even know that your
Speaker 1: birthday is July fourth, it is, it's July fourth. Then
Speaker 1: digging up you know some some facts and tips about
Speaker 1: you and whatnot. I realized that our actual anniversary your
Speaker 1: live fourth. I think I didn't know this, Yes, I
Speaker 1: think I didn't know this, But that's just because I
Speaker 1: love you guys. Yeah bad. And where's your family from? Originally?
Speaker 1: All my family from Guyana, all your family from I
Speaker 1: love that. I love that. And um, Cody, of course
Speaker 1: you're an all boy mom, so we're hashtag boy mom. Um,
Speaker 1: we got three. You caught up really quickly having twins
Speaker 1: the last go around, which was crazy. I couldn't believe it. Um.
Speaker 1: And then you work with your husband as well, and
Speaker 1: I work with mine. That part. That part, y'all make
Speaker 1: it look easy and nice and beautiful. Sometimes just throw
Speaker 1: the whole husband away. That's how I was like, you
Speaker 1: know what, this episode made sense to just have just
Speaker 1: the girls because I was like, Nero, I sit next
Speaker 1: to you all the time, like, let me get my
Speaker 1: girls in here and have a session. So he had
Speaker 1: this little guy session. I had my little girls session.
Speaker 1: So we're gonna see who did the best. How about that?
Speaker 1: How about that? So each of us share our lives
Speaker 1: as mothers on social media various different you know, via
Speaker 1: different platforms and whatnot, and on our vlogs and interviews
Speaker 1: and stuff. That's just one part of our identity as women,
Speaker 1: right just being a mom. But we're also entrepreneurs, we
Speaker 1: are business women. Were doing so many different things. So
Speaker 1: I want to talk to you guys a little bit
Speaker 1: about being a wife and a career woman. Of course
Speaker 1: it's hard work, Um and Melanie. I want to be clear,
Speaker 1: you're not married yet. No, so we have a wedding
Speaker 1: coming here on the road. This is almost like a
Speaker 1: double bridle shower. I love it. I'm taking notes because
Speaker 1: I never planned on having a bridle shower, so this
Speaker 1: is nice. Okay that Cody. Tell me how long have
Speaker 1: you been with Tommy and how long married? Start there.
Speaker 1: We've been married for five years February five years and
Speaker 1: we've been together not much more than that. We actually
Speaker 1: met and got engaged after six months, yes, then we
Speaker 1: got married less than a year after that, and now
Speaker 1: five years, so it's almost seven total. Okay, did you
Speaker 1: have like a whole big wedding situation? We had a
Speaker 1: medium wedding we had five years ago. Medium is not now.
Speaker 1: We had if I'm not mistaken, seventy people in Costa Rica.
Speaker 1: We were surprised that that many people traveled there, but
Speaker 1: that's what we do. That's dope, beautiful. There you are, Okay,
Speaker 1: was in bett over the all over. So yeah, going
Speaker 1: back to like being mom, career, woman, fiance, all that
Speaker 1: good stuff. Um, have you ever felt guilt trying to
Speaker 1: do it all? And how do you possibly try to
Speaker 1: do it all? Don't all talk it work? Because I
Speaker 1: have a thought or have I had? I had an epiphany, yes,
Speaker 1: because for sure, I'm always trying to do it all.
Speaker 1: First of all, I have a lot to do, so
Speaker 1: it just feels like a right. I realized recently that
Speaker 1: I can do anything, like literally, I know that I
Speaker 1: can kill it at anything that I have to do
Speaker 1: that I don't know jack about. And that's part of
Speaker 1: being a business owner, right social media. If I gotta
Speaker 1: do it bout myself, I'm gonna do it. If it's
Speaker 1: planning an event, if it whatever it is, if it's
Speaker 1: editing a whole show, I'm gonna do it. But I
Speaker 1: can't do it all at once. And that was my
Speaker 1: realization recently and figuring out how to how to delegate,
Speaker 1: how to you know, when to take the time to
Speaker 1: find the people necessary as opposed to just behind, I'll
Speaker 1: do it, you know, Actually, no, that's not prioritizing me.
Speaker 1: If I just say okay and then I put the
Speaker 1: other thing on my plate and then I do all
Speaker 1: the things poorly. So for sure I feel guilt all
Speaker 1: the time trying to do and that's just work related. Yeah,
Speaker 1: um me, I definitely went through a series of guilt,
Speaker 1: especially for what I do as a recording artist, as
Speaker 1: a singer songwriter, being gone traveling, having to leave um.
Speaker 1: And then also you know, as a mom, you just
Speaker 1: kind of feel like you can't help it, Like you know,
Speaker 1: Dad's do a great job. You don't ever feel like
Speaker 1: anybody's gonna do better job than you, so, you know,
Speaker 1: leaving and also learning to just be like it's okay,
Speaker 1: Like the kid is going to be okay. It may
Speaker 1: not be the way you do it, but it will
Speaker 1: get done. And so really just releasing control was a
Speaker 1: big thing I think for me, um. And then also
Speaker 1: just realizing that balance doesn't look like balance, is not
Speaker 1: all things in balance at the same time, and then
Speaker 1: also just saying no and asking for help, like asking
Speaker 1: for help. I found a nanny with the quickness y'all,
Speaker 1: like no, and you know, I grew up having a
Speaker 1: grandmother living with us. West Indian parents are like, no,
Speaker 1: bring bring the child over. You know, it's like we
Speaker 1: don't have that luxury now that we're out here and
Speaker 1: all our families in Toronto, in Florida. So you know,
Speaker 1: it was finding the help, it was creating the village.
Speaker 1: It was it was finding the people that you could
Speaker 1: rely on and then setting boundaries for yourself. And then
Speaker 1: also that came to with my career. There were just
Speaker 1: certain things that I was like, Nope, not doing that
Speaker 1: anymore because this part of my life is now a
Speaker 1: priority right now, So making the necessary adjustments because yeah,
Speaker 1: you're having to consider not only your fiance but then
Speaker 1: your child as well, and what's gonna overall. I guess
Speaker 1: give everyone the most level of comfort. Absolutely. And it's
Speaker 1: interesting you said that balance is not always fifty fifty
Speaker 1: because you think of the balancing like the scale everything
Speaker 1: you should just be weighing out. And sometimes I just realized,
Speaker 1: like this imaginary scale that I have in my mind,
Speaker 1: like sometimes actually doesn't have to fall like it's gonna
Speaker 1: tip over, it's gonna fall off, but then it's okay.
Speaker 1: And I think that's something that I've had an issue
Speaker 1: with especially with the move cross country. I can totally
Speaker 1: empathize with you, Melanie, because I have all my family
Speaker 1: back in New York. Actually was able to get my
Speaker 1: mom on board to come over, and you know my
Speaker 1: family is in Texas. Is out here with less weight,
Speaker 1: I have a whole thing. I've been thinking about you
Speaker 1: and your family a lot. What you think. Now. Granted
Speaker 1: this isn't to say that you don't have your challenges,
Speaker 1: but I realized that because of MEMI like you got.
Speaker 1: This is why it looks so from the outside, looks
Speaker 1: so easy for you guys, because you know you have
Speaker 1: someone that you love and trust who's related to you,
Speaker 1: not just a nanny. Know, I have a nanny too,
Speaker 1: I love her, but it's not the same as my
Speaker 1: Mimi for sure. And you know having that family makes
Speaker 1: your I think, your marriage stronger. It allows you to
Speaker 1: have your own self care. It allows you, guys, to
Speaker 1: succeed in ways professionally that a lot of us. And
Speaker 1: this again, I don't want to compare, but I've been
Speaker 1: looking at it like, what if I only had my
Speaker 1: mama and then we end up looking at my mom
Speaker 1: is like, well, see Mimi's over here. What are you
Speaker 1: doing over there? Can't you just come on over? I mean?
Speaker 1: And then my dad every day is like, wait, so
Speaker 1: I thought your mother was just coming to help you
Speaker 1: move temporarily. It's like August and then he's kind of like, well,
Speaker 1: I guess I got to kind of come back and
Speaker 1: forth if I want to see my wife have a relationship,
Speaker 1: because yeah, it's just like literally uprooting. But you are
Speaker 1: absolutely right, Cody. The peace of mind that we need
Speaker 1: to just be able to be productive in our work
Speaker 1: spaces that cannot function. I can't function less. I know
Speaker 1: my children are okay, and we literally have the luxury
Speaker 1: being able to pick up and just go and knowing
Speaker 1: that my mom will They'll be fed, they'll be loved,
Speaker 1: they'll be entertained, they'll be educated. I recently pulled Chira
Speaker 1: out of a Monta Story school and my mom is
Speaker 1: home school with him because literally I was just like
Speaker 1: the only thing he was catching up in there was
Speaker 1: a cold. Getting sick every life right now, every week
Speaker 1: it's something else, it's something else. Then we get it,
Speaker 1: and then we get it, and then when we're out,
Speaker 1: God forbid, you know, our other half gets it. They're
Speaker 1: the biggest babies, you know what I mean, what everything
Speaker 1: just falls apart, So no, for sure. So the balancing
Speaker 1: act and all that is very important. But at the
Speaker 1: same time, you have to give ourselves grace. And I
Speaker 1: had Melissa fed Fredericks on the episode an episode a couple,
Speaker 1: um was last season. I forget that Fredericks were on,
Speaker 1: but she talked about giving yourself grace and giving your
Speaker 1: partner grace, just being able to grow. And we spoke
Speaker 1: about it in the context of like allowing people to
Speaker 1: grow within the confines of a relationship, because a lot
Speaker 1: of times, you know, you don't want that same person
Speaker 1: to be the same person five years from now, ten
Speaker 1: years from now. There should be a continuous growth happening.
Speaker 1: So how do we give grace to your partner but
Speaker 1: also now giving grace to ourselves as moms and wives
Speaker 1: and all of that. So I think that's super super important,
Speaker 1: and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.
Speaker 1: He's dealing with that at least dealing with that at now. UM,
Speaker 1: so let's talk about the relationship. You know, your significant others, Melani,
Speaker 1: your fiance, code to your husband. Um, what are some
Speaker 1: things that you did as a newlywed or Melanie early
Speaker 1: in your relationship that you still do now that I
Speaker 1: still do. Well, we know you drop it right, I do,
Speaker 1: and you give him I got to keep these knees
Speaker 1: oiled up, aright, he's got to stay oiled up. Or
Speaker 1: is there anything that you don't do that you used
Speaker 1: to do earlier? And maybe you get some complaints about
Speaker 1: now from the Mr. I'll say this. My relationship is
Speaker 1: interesting because, as I said, we met and married. We
Speaker 1: met and got engaged in six months. We moved in.
Speaker 1: After three we started working together probably one year in.
Speaker 1: We got married. Just after that, still working together, and
Speaker 1: we had our first child, I think a year and
Speaker 1: a half after we got married. Like everything we've done
Speaker 1: has been accelerated. I shouldn't tell you what I did
Speaker 1: at the beginning, because I don't even know where the
Speaker 1: beginning is almost like we're at a we're at a
Speaker 1: new beginning right now. And so one of his biggest
Speaker 1: complaints or one of you know, one of the things
Speaker 1: that kids bring is like bifurcated attention, and so he
Speaker 1: really asks a lot for my attention. And so I've
Speaker 1: been thoughtful now about about date nights planned by me,
Speaker 1: initiated by me, like that kind of thing that probably
Speaker 1: in the beginning that was happening, but it wasn't as thoughtful, right,
Speaker 1: it was just like what we did. So I couldn't
Speaker 1: tell you the difference between seven years ago and now. Besides,
Speaker 1: there's now three tiny humans. Well I mean so so
Speaker 1: seen as there's not that much of a history, I
Speaker 1: should say where you think things changed rapidly, it did
Speaker 1: change rapidly. In five years. You've added you know, one
Speaker 1: child and then a twin pregnancy and then twins, so
Speaker 1: that's a whole lot and the whole business. There really
Speaker 1: is like no level of normalcy I would say for
Speaker 1: you guys right now. Never Well, I mean I'm interested
Speaker 1: if I'll ever feel that like this is our normal,
Speaker 1: you know, maybe that's where we are starting to get
Speaker 1: right now because the twins are just over one, so
Speaker 1: like there's a routine that's coming in. But this is
Speaker 1: the closest we've been to normal in seven years. What
Speaker 1: about you, Villain, anything different that you know, like you
Speaker 1: know for sure once we're married, this is not gonna
Speaker 1: happen still, or you know, things over the course of
Speaker 1: your dating that you're like you used to do x
Speaker 1: wy you don't. Um. You know what, I will say
Speaker 1: that what's changed I think in our relationship is that
Speaker 1: we've we've kind of become really like a unit, like
Speaker 1: really like a unit. Like now we're really best friends.
Speaker 1: Like we always loved each other, but we had our
Speaker 1: individual lives and we did certain things and we still
Speaker 1: do that, but now it's become very UM united. So
Speaker 1: like it's like we do a lot of things together.
Speaker 1: Our social lives are very intertwined. Jared specifically being a guy,
Speaker 1: like he was just coming and going and do whatever
Speaker 1: he wanted to do, and I was like, here's what
Speaker 1: it is moving forward. You in here. Um. You know.
Speaker 1: One of the things that one of the things that
Speaker 1: I think we we we definitely had to change which
Speaker 1: was different, was I'm a big communicator and he's kind
Speaker 1: of like an independent spirit, and so my level of
Speaker 1: UM security comes from, Hey, if you're out of town
Speaker 1: or if you're traveling, you gotta check in with me.
Speaker 1: You gotta do this. So once we had our son,
Speaker 1: that was a big thing that had to change. It
Speaker 1: was like, look, it's not just you and me, this
Speaker 1: is not about your girl checking in on you. This
Speaker 1: is not about control, This is not about any of this.
Speaker 1: This is about being responsible for one another. And so
Speaker 1: we have, you know, being having a child before marriage,
Speaker 1: we had to make that commitment to each other already
Speaker 1: to be like all right, like it's not just about us,
Speaker 1: Like I'm not just checking on you to be like hey,
Speaker 1: where are you at? Like it's about how are you?
Speaker 1: How is our child? How are you doing? How are
Speaker 1: you feeling? And so you know, these are the things
Speaker 1: that I think have caused us to level up, even
Speaker 1: though they were you know, happening in a in a
Speaker 1: in a less traditional order. But um, but you know
Speaker 1: it works for us, and the kind of thing that
Speaker 1: forces you together or forces you to apart when you
Speaker 1: apply that pressure. Yeah, did you get any push back
Speaker 1: from Jarring at the point, like you know, when you're
Speaker 1: just like you're an have to check in a little
Speaker 1: bit or like in the beginning, Yeah, it was hard
Speaker 1: I think for him, said, to to make that adjustment,
Speaker 1: because also I think for women, like when we have children,
Speaker 1: it's an instant change for us. Our bodies change, our hormones,
Speaker 1: change our psychological every we view the world differently. Men
Speaker 1: they just be rolling till that baby gets here like
Speaker 1: the after, and they still roll after. So I definitely
Speaker 1: think it had to be a mental shift for him
Speaker 1: to be like, oh, right, like things are different. I
Speaker 1: do have to act differently. I do have to change
Speaker 1: the way I do things. And it doesn't mean I'm
Speaker 1: compromising myself. It means I'm evolving. And I think that
Speaker 1: that's kind of been our dynamic in general. He's forced
Speaker 1: me to calm down my crazy and I forced him
Speaker 1: to evolve on a spiritual and like just general like
Speaker 1: consideration level, right right, right, Which is funny because Devo
Speaker 1: and I think about it, October will make eighteen years together. Girl,
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, eighteen years. Give me a round of
Speaker 1: a pause, Browns. So eighteen years and we started dating
Speaker 1: as babies, like we're eighteen. I'm thinking about eighteen year
Speaker 1: old Cadine. I'm thinking about twenty one year old Cadine,
Speaker 1: twenty five year old. Here, I am thirty something years old,
Speaker 1: and I am seriously like, how do we get here?
Speaker 1: And you know, so many things, of course have changed
Speaker 1: for us. There's a lot of things that I did
Speaker 1: at the time and don't do anymore. One thing I know,
Speaker 1: for sure that. You know, we constantly struggle because we
Speaker 1: always talk about like sex and relationships on this show.
Speaker 1: Is like things that I used to like before. Positions
Speaker 1: I used to like before. That's like now a red
Speaker 1: light for me, Like we talked about sex sometimes when
Speaker 1: it's like okay, so here's the red light, here's a
Speaker 1: yellow light, proceed with caution. There's a stop side that's
Speaker 1: a green light. So that's like a little funny thing
Speaker 1: for us that like things sexually I used to like before.
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's just like after having kids,
Speaker 1: your body changes. Of course, home only things are different.
Speaker 1: But I'm just like, so, um, yeah, I used to
Speaker 1: like my legs there, but now they just don't quite
Speaker 1: go there. Yeah. Kind of working out. No, no, I'm
Speaker 1: not working out. No, I'm not a stretching you know.
Speaker 1: I was about to start Trap your Go and all
Speaker 1: sorts of stuff to start to see if I could
Speaker 1: get my life together and get some things back. You know,
Speaker 1: sometimes you want that old thing back. Um, But it's
Speaker 1: that's just like a little funny thing for us. But naturally,
Speaker 1: over the course of eighteen years, I would hope that
Speaker 1: we wouldn't be the same person and that things were
Speaker 1: just you know, eventually growing stuff over time. Cardy, you
Speaker 1: said you make it a point to do date nights now.
Speaker 1: Is there something that you used to love? Is date
Speaker 1: night that you don't have anymore? Anything that you you're
Speaker 1: excited to do? Because for me, a date night now
Speaker 1: is like kick back. So that's the thing. Our ideas
Speaker 1: of date nights are different to mine is like I
Speaker 1: just want to watch TV on the couch or want
Speaker 1: you to cook. And granted he's a great chef, like
Speaker 1: that's part of where I married him. He does the
Speaker 1: cooking in our house. But with three kids and a business,
Speaker 1: even for him, that's not like every day you know.
Speaker 1: So so our idea of date nights are different my
Speaker 1: What he needs from me is to initiate and plan
Speaker 1: right and for it not to just be like we're
Speaker 1: going to dinner. So this year I actually have been
Speaker 1: making an effort. I made a list for myself. He
Speaker 1: will never her listened to this, by the way, because
Speaker 1: he just don't social you don't. I've made a list
Speaker 1: for myself of like twelve things, twelve interesting things that
Speaker 1: we can do. So once a month I could plan
Speaker 1: a date which a year ago, like that kind of
Speaker 1: thing gave me a panic attack. It's like, I can't
Speaker 1: think of anything that you want to do. But I
Speaker 1: had the smart idea to make the list in advance.
Speaker 1: I love that, and so I put a date in
Speaker 1: our calendar already through the end of the year. That's
Speaker 1: our date night. Did you sink the calendars together? Because
Speaker 1: I had to, literally because I still don't look at
Speaker 1: the calendar. N Broka. So yes, So we've done. What
Speaker 1: have we done so far? We did an escape room
Speaker 1: fun and we did Oh my god, I can't even
Speaker 1: remember the things we've done. I just tell you the
Speaker 1: things that I have a miniuture golf on our list. Okay,
Speaker 1: am I still climbing climbing which we actually did when
Speaker 1: we first started dating, and it was indoor and I
Speaker 1: was crying because it was scary. But hey, I'm ready,
Speaker 1: I'm ready, I'm out. So yeah, out climbing. Oh, I know.
Speaker 1: We went to We went to a movie, which, like
Speaker 1: we don't do as much because we got kids, two
Speaker 1: or three hours in a movie, I'm still a huge
Speaker 1: sacrifice for me tonight. So we actually saw a marriage
Speaker 1: Story which is on Netflix. We saw it in a
Speaker 1: theater which was really nice. So things like that, just
Speaker 1: trying to like take the time and consider what he
Speaker 1: wants to do in advance. Gotcha, Melanie. You mentioned friendship,
Speaker 1: like you guys were always best friends, but now you've
Speaker 1: like become a unit. Um, So how do you continue
Speaker 1: to foster that friendship now that you are about to
Speaker 1: get married? Um? Any changes that happened over the years.
Speaker 1: Therapy straight up together or together? But I mean I
Speaker 1: got there. I've been seeing a therapist for years just
Speaker 1: because that's a part of my whole routine, my wellness routine.
Speaker 1: But yeah, we recently started going to marriage therapy or
Speaker 1: a couple of therapy, and that was something that was
Speaker 1: really important to me for us to do because I
Speaker 1: feel like as we approach this union officially, spiritually, um
Speaker 1: and legally, you know, I think it's really important to
Speaker 1: put it all that on the table. And I think
Speaker 1: that along the way it's easy to carry things, you know,
Speaker 1: whether they build resentment or not, or whether they're your
Speaker 1: own things you're just like, oh, it's fine. I really
Speaker 1: think it's important to have that space and conversation and
Speaker 1: dialogue to be like, hey, these are all the things
Speaker 1: I love, These are all the things I'm a little
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with. These are the things I'm thinking about, what
Speaker 1: does commitment look like to you in the future. And
Speaker 1: it's been really helpful because I'm a communicator and I
Speaker 1: go deep. I'm in the emotions at all times, whereas
Speaker 1: Jared is he's a feeler, but he's not as expressive
Speaker 1: as I am. And so it's been really good for
Speaker 1: us to be able to speak with someone there to
Speaker 1: kind of like guide us and hear each other from
Speaker 1: a different way, and to also learn things about each
Speaker 1: other that we didn't really know. So that's really been
Speaker 1: building our friendship too, because you know, as difficult as
Speaker 1: it might get to approach some things in therapy, when
Speaker 1: we leave, we're hugging, we're kissing. It's like we did
Speaker 1: something good for each other today. You know, this is
Speaker 1: a sign. I'm gonna tell you this is a sign.
Speaker 1: Because literally to Valini yesterday, like going through the motions
Speaker 1: with like something we've been arguing about for a while,
Speaker 1: and um I mentioned, I'm like, I think we should
Speaker 1: just go to therapy because we feel like we were
Speaker 1: great communicators in ourselves. Like I'm very communicative, he he is,
Speaker 1: He's always been kind of like you, and then I
Speaker 1: think I'm Jerry, Like I was feeling things out but
Speaker 1: didn't really know how to express myself. But over the
Speaker 1: course of eighteen years, I've definitely opened up to the
Speaker 1: point where he's sometimes like, won't you shut the flat up?
Speaker 1: Get a word in edgewise. But we had even said, like,
Speaker 1: there's certain things that fester within our relationship that we
Speaker 1: feel like at this point, since we're looking to renew
Speaker 1: for another ten years, he's kind of feeling like this
Speaker 1: is mirroring ten years ago where we were having these
Speaker 1: kind of battles that we just said, oh whatever, we'll
Speaker 1: get married and we'll figure it out later, Whereas right
Speaker 1: now we're like, maybe we should see therapy before this
Speaker 1: of our renewal to correct those things. For we do
Speaker 1: this because of our renewal. Yes, it's gonna be great,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be fun. It's a family vacation, like we're
Speaker 1: planning something. But why go through all the bells and
Speaker 1: whistles if that core unit is not in sync? And
Speaker 1: I feel like more recently we've had moments where we
Speaker 1: haven't been And at first I was chalking it up too. Okay,
Speaker 1: he was filming he was away, I moved across country
Speaker 1: with the kids. We're still trying to figure out like
Speaker 1: where we are in our space in l A. We're
Speaker 1: still trying to do all that amidst work. Um, but
Speaker 1: we've been off balance, and UM, I guess with my relationship,
Speaker 1: I feel like other things can fall off the scale,
Speaker 1: but I can't let that fall off the scale. So
Speaker 1: I feel like you talking and just saying bluntly, therapy.
Speaker 1: It's like a co sign because it's literally happened yesterday.
Speaker 1: I think everybody needs therapy in general, like period, like
Speaker 1: individually to get like I think everyone should be in
Speaker 1: therapy the most sound. I consider myself a pretty well
Speaker 1: rounded sound person, but I still love my therapy sessions
Speaker 1: just because there's always work to be done. There is,
Speaker 1: and we learned that in our lives and general as
Speaker 1: human beings, in our professions, there's always work to be done.
Speaker 1: But what kind of work are you doing? And the
Speaker 1: work that betters you as a human being in this
Speaker 1: planet with your partner together is better ways and then
Speaker 1: for your children, and so that's something that I know
Speaker 1: that that was really important. So yes, you have my
Speaker 1: vote support one thousand percent therapy doesn't mean that everything's
Speaker 1: sucked up and we're wrong and we're broken. It means
Speaker 1: that we're just always trying to be better, for sure.
Speaker 1: And there's also blind spots, right, like everyone can be better,
Speaker 1: but there's also like even the most self aware of person,
Speaker 1: it is like, oh, I didn't even realize that that
Speaker 1: came off that way exactly right, Like, and you know,
Speaker 1: we have interviewed hundred and fifty plus complace like therapy
Speaker 1: is a is a reoccurring theme and it's necessary. We've
Speaker 1: been to therapy. I regret that we haven't done it
Speaker 1: as consistently as we should. There's always like, oh, we
Speaker 1: couldn't do that day because this meeting, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Like we need to be more consistent about it.
Speaker 1: But like I agree completely with Melan, so allowing that
Speaker 1: to kind of take precedence, like being a priority priorities
Speaker 1: for everything. I mean. Jared is in the height right
Speaker 1: now of you know, he's he's a music manager. He
Speaker 1: manages several clients as well as like producers, artist songwriters,
Speaker 1: and that's a very demanding schedule when you work for
Speaker 1: that many clients. So they all have different needs, but
Speaker 1: we have our times and I know there's mornings when
Speaker 1: I look at him and he's head head down in
Speaker 1: his phone from the moment he wakes up. But he
Speaker 1: knows come that ten am eleven am slot that we
Speaker 1: have at that day, he knows, like he he won't
Speaker 1: even if he knows that he really would want to
Speaker 1: miss it, he doesn't. And it means so much to me.
Speaker 1: It means so much that he just won't even suggest like,
Speaker 1: could I miss it today? Yeah, that's good, because I'm
Speaker 1: gonna ask you if it took a while to get
Speaker 1: him like on board with it or was he you know,
Speaker 1: I was really thankful because even if he was resistant
Speaker 1: to some of the things that I would say if
Speaker 1: I had complaints or if I had any concerns about
Speaker 1: our relationship. When I was like where, I was like,
Speaker 1: we should really go to therapy, and he was like okay,
Speaker 1: and I was like, thank you, you know, because half
Speaker 1: the battle is convincing somebody on the other side who
Speaker 1: doesn't see the benefit. But I think and even when
Speaker 1: we're in there sometimes he's kind of like, I'm really
Speaker 1: just here for her, and I'm like, na, you know,
Speaker 1: So it's really important that you know that you can
Speaker 1: be on the same page going into it, and I
Speaker 1: find that even if you're not, just getting there allows
Speaker 1: everyone to kind of see, oh this this actually could
Speaker 1: be really good for me for sure. I mean Deval
Speaker 1: and I have been married, like I said, almost ten years,
Speaker 1: and he actually started to see a therapist unbeknownst to me.
Speaker 1: Didn't tell me in secret, girl in secret, but had
Speaker 1: his sessions where he was like, oh, I'm going to
Speaker 1: the gym and it's just business as usual, He's going
Speaker 1: to work, and I guess he was finding that hour
Speaker 1: or two out the day and he was seeing a therapist.
Speaker 1: And I totally took that as like a slap in
Speaker 1: the face at first, because I felt like you deceived
Speaker 1: me a you were telling me you were somewhere that
Speaker 1: you were in And secondly, well, what did I do
Speaker 1: that force you to have to go to therapy? You know?
Speaker 1: And I was like, I thought we had a handle on,
Speaker 1: like our emotions and were vocal and we speak about
Speaker 1: things and in real time, we don't allow things to fester.
Speaker 1: And then he had to explain to me that that
Speaker 1: therapy session that he was going to the succession of
Speaker 1: them was for him had a secret. I guess he
Speaker 1: didn't want to alarm me. I guess the way I
Speaker 1: responded was kind of like, oh, well, now it's my
Speaker 1: fault and everything that we've been doing is my fault.
Speaker 1: And he was trying to hared me from that until
Speaker 1: he found the right space to be able to tell me. Um.
Speaker 1: And it was just in conversation one night that he
Speaker 1: was like, I need to tell you this because he's
Speaker 1: not good with keeping secrets are lying, he's just bad
Speaker 1: at it. So um. So yeah, and at that point
Speaker 1: I said, okay, it was something you needed for you
Speaker 1: and then that that that took me off of the whole, like,
Speaker 1: oh what was me? Like, I'm the one that forced
Speaker 1: him there? Um. But then yeah, just recently I said, well,
Speaker 1: you know in our argument day, I was like, well,
Speaker 1: you thought therapy therapy helped you to figure sut some
Speaker 1: things out on your own and then you were able
Speaker 1: to apply that to your life. Do you think that
Speaker 1: we should do that together? Because you mentioned pre cup
Speaker 1: pre married marriage therapy. My uncle married us UM ten
Speaker 1: years ago, which was a special moment because you know
Speaker 1: he's my uncle naturally, UM. He's an inventist seventy eventis
Speaker 1: pastor and whatnot, and he did mention that we should
Speaker 1: go to a couple of sessions with him pre wedding,
Speaker 1: but it was kind of weird. I guess it was
Speaker 1: just kind of an uncomfortable thing, so we kind of
Speaker 1: dodged him on that. But in retrospect, I'm thinking that
Speaker 1: probably would have been a good movie even if it
Speaker 1: wasn't him. But just to speak to someone because now
Speaker 1: I kind of want to shift into the gears of Um,
Speaker 1: you know, what you would say to your pre married self,
Speaker 1: or to your pre engage yourself or your pre mother self. Um,
Speaker 1: is there anything that you would have wish you knew
Speaker 1: prior to making the commitment or deciding to say yes,
Speaker 1: anything that you wish you knew beforehand, or just in
Speaker 1: being a committed relationship that you are saying now, Damn,
Speaker 1: I wish I knew. Wish we had gone to premarital counseling.
Speaker 1: We talked about it, and we just and I am
Speaker 1: very much a therapy person, but I would say we
Speaker 1: we just genuinely had all these reasons and excuses not
Speaker 1: to you know, the things that we were doing in
Speaker 1: time commitments and blah blah blah. But I think it
Speaker 1: would have resolved a lot of that we talked about now,
Speaker 1: because he's very like, I told you who I was
Speaker 1: from day one, and I'm like, yeah, but nobody you
Speaker 1: know you did? You know who you right? Right? And
Speaker 1: so just talking some of those things out in that
Speaker 1: stage of life would have been really valuable as because
Speaker 1: we had kids really fast, we had three of them
Speaker 1: really fast. So just having a greater connection beforehand. I wonder, Melanie,
Speaker 1: if you can relate to this. Being from the West
Speaker 1: Indian background, they don't really I want to say, my
Speaker 1: family talk about stuff, talk about And it's interesting to
Speaker 1: say that you're an advocate for therapy because therapy, God
Speaker 1: forbid you talk about your business outside a watch of business.
Speaker 1: Don't bring up the D depression, don't bring up the
Speaker 1: don't bring up feelings, don't bring upout what uncle so
Speaker 1: and so did. So. Yeah, it is uh, it's it's
Speaker 1: awful to think about it, the way they encourage you
Speaker 1: and almost force you to kind of stay quiet all
Speaker 1: the time. And um, seeing as therapy now, I think
Speaker 1: it's amazing because I feel like we're in this generation
Speaker 1: now that's breaking all of those generational cycles. Yes, for sure,
Speaker 1: and and trying to be healthy, more productive people for
Speaker 1: our children. So pre married could mean wasn't really getting
Speaker 1: the sound advice that I guess I was expecting to
Speaker 1: hear from my elders, you know what I mean. And
Speaker 1: even if it wasn't my mother per se, because again
Speaker 1: she was just very like, Okay, everything keeps quiet and
Speaker 1: you just deal with your problems internally. But there was
Speaker 1: really no one just like kind of saying, well, when
Speaker 1: you get married, you should expect X Y Z. And
Speaker 1: I think part of me necessarily wasn't looking for that,
Speaker 1: because I feel like sometimes people within their experiences tend
Speaker 1: to be jaded in their own right, and you know,
Speaker 1: you kind of take what you want from them and
Speaker 1: you leave the rest and stuff. So did you ever
Speaker 1: have that or anyone going into with you being married
Speaker 1: now or approaching marriage saying like lutch out for this
Speaker 1: or don't do that, or any caution signs that they're
Speaker 1: throwing your way. One thing that my mom always used
Speaker 1: to say was come see me and come live with
Speaker 1: me at two different things. And so Jared and I
Speaker 1: lived separately until I was pregnant, and that actually happened
Speaker 1: not just by like choice, but also by circumstance. He
Speaker 1: was working out of state. We were living in different
Speaker 1: states right before I got pregnan, we were doing long
Speaker 1: distance um when we were dating. When we were in
Speaker 1: New York, he still had his place, I still had mine,
Speaker 1: even though we were spending literally every day together, and
Speaker 1: so you know, when he made the decision to come
Speaker 1: and be with us, it was like, oh, okay, so
Speaker 1: now I understand. Now I'm pregnant. Now here you come.
Speaker 1: We're living together, and now we're forced to we're being
Speaker 1: a family. Now we're being husband and wife living in
Speaker 1: under the same roof learning to live with one another.
Speaker 1: And yeah, it was definitely I heard my mother's come
Speaker 1: see me and come live at me are two different things.
Speaker 1: And so finding the you know, that routine was good.
Speaker 1: But I am very thankful that we had that separate
Speaker 1: time for ourselves while we were dating and still falling
Speaker 1: in love and in a committed relationship. Um. But yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean just getting pregnant. So soon after we started
Speaker 1: living together, Oh the anxiety I had to go tell
Speaker 1: my family, I mean, just the ANSI and I'm a
Speaker 1: grown ass woman, I has a grown assid married woman,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'm going to tell my mother Elizabeth
Speaker 1: that I used the nightgown was successful, and it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: make her feel good or bad? I don't know, but
Speaker 1: I can say I had the anxiety of some of
Speaker 1: the worst anxiety of going home and telling him, feeling like, oh,
Speaker 1: my gosh, I gotta tell my parents like we're not
Speaker 1: even engaged, like we're just in this realm of being
Speaker 1: seriously together, and here comes this baby. And I just
Speaker 1: remember going home and I brought these little shoes that
Speaker 1: I had and I put them on the counter and
Speaker 1: my mom just looked at me and she was just like, well,
Speaker 1: if you're having a baby, have a baby. And I
Speaker 1: was so relieved because I was coming off of the
Speaker 1: judgment that I thought I was going to be not married.
Speaker 1: You guys just got together. What's happening. He's shifting careers,
Speaker 1: what about your career? All these things? And I was
Speaker 1: so grateful that my family, even if they did feel it,
Speaker 1: they didn't share it. That's sweet. And so I will
Speaker 1: say that going into it, I wish, especially into motherhood,
Speaker 1: I wish that I hadn't held on to the anxiety
Speaker 1: and the fear of judgment from the beginning, because I
Speaker 1: feel like I would have been free or to enjoy
Speaker 1: that time without the anxiety and the worry. Yeah, yeah, girl, hug.
Speaker 1: But we haven't no more babies till we say I do,
Speaker 1: which is very soon. Yeah, having a baby shower real quick.
Speaker 1: Let me let you know, Cody, you've been doing the
Speaker 1: Black Love Doc for how long now? Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: since we've been shooting it since wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a minute. Yes, You've had some great, great couples
Speaker 1: on their celebrity non celebrity couples everyday people. Are there
Speaker 1: any recurring seems like problem wise that you see these
Speaker 1: married couples have had, whether they've been married a short
Speaker 1: amount of time or a long amount of time, or
Speaker 1: if they're old, if they're young. Well, I'll say this.
Speaker 1: One of the things that I've observed is that when
Speaker 1: we started doing this, we were engaged, then we were pregnant,
Speaker 1: then we were parents. We got married in there somewhere, um,
Speaker 1: then we were parents, then we were pregnant again, and
Speaker 1: then we were parents to three And so our um
Speaker 1: our relationship issues have like sort of mirrored the the
Speaker 1: the interviews because we are experiencing things and then we're
Speaker 1: asking questions about that, right, And so some of the
Speaker 1: themes that I've seen that that I have affected me
Speaker 1: or at least stand out to me. You know, last
Speaker 1: year we talked a lot about vulnerability, especially in men,
Speaker 1: and how that can be a struggle to communicate between
Speaker 1: a man and a woman UM and what manhood means
Speaker 1: and what it looks like. UM. Communication issues in terms
Speaker 1: of you know where you're from and who your people are,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, like culturally how you were
Speaker 1: raised UM. And therapy is another reoccurring theme. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's one of those things that pops up a lot
Speaker 1: in in our conversations. So no matter tab along, right,
Speaker 1: no matter how long people have been married, it's not taboo, right.
Speaker 1: It's kind of the dirty secret right there. Get you
Speaker 1: some therapy or it's not gonna work. You know what.
Speaker 1: I realized that almost like, Okay, I guess we need
Speaker 1: to go see somebody now. No, for sure, do you
Speaker 1: guys feel a responsibility at all? Because we talked about
Speaker 1: vulnerability and stuff with our partners, do you feel any
Speaker 1: kind of UM responsibility to support and care for your
Speaker 1: significant other's emotions? And I say that because you think
Speaker 1: about marrying somebody or being with somebody, and that responsibility
Speaker 1: to to have this happiness that you're supposed to make
Speaker 1: each other happy. And do you take that responsibility on
Speaker 1: yourself or do you kind of differ or how do
Speaker 1: you work through something like that? I do UM to
Speaker 1: an extent because I feel like your your own happiness
Speaker 1: is your own responsibility as a person, as a human
Speaker 1: being existing in a relationship. One thousand percent. I believe
Speaker 1: that you are responsible for your your partners um wellness,
Speaker 1: their happiness and how they feel. And so I remember
Speaker 1: my brother and his wife. I mean, they're just my
Speaker 1: favorite couple that I know. Um. They've been married now
Speaker 1: for over twenty years. They have three daughters, and my
Speaker 1: brother in Toronto, Toronto, and and it's been really beautiful
Speaker 1: to see because they have gone through major shifts as
Speaker 1: individuals recently, which is really beautiful. But my brother being um,
Speaker 1: one of the best men that I've known my whole life,
Speaker 1: He's just been such a prime example for me of
Speaker 1: like what I should have expected from a man, you know,
Speaker 1: very very different from my father, right, very different from
Speaker 1: my father, UM, And and you know, I respected him
Speaker 1: so much. And I remember one time him and his
Speaker 1: wife were going through like a thing, and he said
Speaker 1: to me, it doesn't matter if I think I'm right
Speaker 1: or if I'm wrong. He says, what matters is how
Speaker 1: she feels. And when he said that, he's like, I
Speaker 1: will do whatever it takes till she feels better. And
Speaker 1: I was like, whoa, this is a level of com
Speaker 1: it meant that is so admirable. And so when I
Speaker 1: think about partnership, and when I think about it, it's
Speaker 1: not about conceding. It's like, it's not about losing, it's
Speaker 1: not about being right, it's about being well, and it's
Speaker 1: about having your partner. It's like, Okay, what can I
Speaker 1: do to help you? What can I do? Okay, I
Speaker 1: don't necessarily agree, but let me get to a place
Speaker 1: where we feel where I can help you feel good
Speaker 1: at least acknowledged, at least heard, at least seen, um,
Speaker 1: you know, and even if you don't quite get it yourself.
Speaker 1: So I think that, yeah, I think it is a responsibility.
Speaker 1: I think that it is important that if I'm feeling
Speaker 1: a certain way, like so, for example, if if I say, Jared,
Speaker 1: when you did that, it hurt my feelings, He's just like, yeah,
Speaker 1: but I didn't mean to hurt your feelings? Yeah, it
Speaker 1: you did? You know? His response ideally would be, oh, well,
Speaker 1: how can I help make your feelings feel better? I
Speaker 1: can either correct that next time, or I can acknowledge
Speaker 1: that I did hurt your feelings. You know. So I
Speaker 1: think it's it's really important. I think you are responsible
Speaker 1: for your p want to do you want to be
Speaker 1: our therapist? Yes? Please don't call me this thing and
Speaker 1: there's nothing. Yes, I literally feel like this was like
Speaker 1: you know how they always say it's divine, it's been
Speaker 1: ordered like this literally is like speaking to me so
Speaker 1: much today just say anytime I'm around her, That's how
Speaker 1: I feel like whenever she speaks. I want to write
Speaker 1: that ship down, like for real, like you for a
Speaker 1: gift in every way, and I'm grateful every time you
Speaker 1: open your mouth. It's just very very passionate about about
Speaker 1: about people being well. And I think it's important, especially
Speaker 1: when you make the decision to go through life with someone.
Speaker 1: You know, it's a real deal if you're lucky enough
Speaker 1: to find that person that you say, I choose you,
Speaker 1: I'm with you. You know, It's like how I want
Speaker 1: to do this till the end and I want to
Speaker 1: be the best that I can get all the way in,
Speaker 1: you know, and like when you say those things, like
Speaker 1: I think about these vows. My father, my father has
Speaker 1: Parkinson's end. My parents have been together now for forty
Speaker 1: five years. And I one night saw when I was
Speaker 1: in Trinidad visiting. We I was actually performing at the
Speaker 1: Tobago Jazz Festival, and we went and we stayed at
Speaker 1: a family's villa and we were crashing. I was crashing
Speaker 1: with my parents. I felt like a teenager again. It
Speaker 1: was amazing. But in the middle of the night, my
Speaker 1: dad caught a cramp from his parkinson symptoms and my
Speaker 1: mom was up massaging his leg and da da da,
Speaker 1: da day and I know all the eyes and lows
Speaker 1: of what my parents had been through. And I watched
Speaker 1: my mom be there with my father as he's writhing
Speaker 1: in pain, and he's like there and I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is it. This is what it is, this is the moment,
Speaker 1: this is this is what it's about. Like I'm there
Speaker 1: for you when you're writhing in pain, when you're not well,
Speaker 1: when you're not your strongest. You know. When I saw that,
Speaker 1: I was like, this is I get it? And so
Speaker 1: when you think about that, you have to accept everything
Speaker 1: that you are and that your partner is with respect
Speaker 1: and boundaries. But except to grow and be better, you know,
Speaker 1: and be well together. It's really important. And I say
Speaker 1: you're speaking to me too, because I feel like even
Speaker 1: over the us of eighteen years, that's a long time
Speaker 1: to be with somebody. Um, you know, I know, I
Speaker 1: can admit that I've let certain things fall by the wayside,
Speaker 1: and not on purpose, you know, not on purpose. But
Speaker 1: it's just life sometimes, you know. Yeah, But can I
Speaker 1: just say to that there there is a what do
Speaker 1: they say, like a like the gas tank right, like listen,
Speaker 1: I'm not there every day, y'all's relationship, but I certainly
Speaker 1: know that you have poured in to that tank, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. And so at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, two marriages, about the balance of that and
Speaker 1: how there are lots of things that we're going to
Speaker 1: look up and be like, I should have been there,
Speaker 1: I should have done that differently, I should have he
Speaker 1: was being vulnerable and I didn't missed it. And then yes,
Speaker 1: and that happens in my relationship a lot. But we
Speaker 1: have to know that we are giving as much as
Speaker 1: we can as best we can, and that we own
Speaker 1: when we've fallen short, you know what I mean, and
Speaker 1: that they know that ability is everything, you know. I
Speaker 1: don't think anything is perfect. I don't think anyone is perfect.
Speaker 1: You just have to be trying your best at all times.
Speaker 1: Thanks y'all. We were supposed to keep him and last
Speaker 1: and I was gonna talk about like sexy like party stuff,
Speaker 1: and here we are having a whole Kumbaya moment. I'm
Speaker 1: guilty of doing this everywhere, just like I know, I
Speaker 1: knew where we were going with this early passing the
Speaker 1: cleanex around. Oh my goodness. So yeah, that spoke so
Speaker 1: much to me, and just saying sometimes you just miss
Speaker 1: things and devouce this to men, and sometimes you're just
Speaker 1: an autopilot. You're just like going and you don't stop
Speaker 1: to see that. And I'm just like, damn, I didn't
Speaker 1: even realize that. But I'm just trying to like wife
Speaker 1: and mom and and act and you know, do other
Speaker 1: stuff and be everything. Yes, very like tunnel vision with
Speaker 1: certain things. And then I miss a moment when he
Speaker 1: says like I'm just hurt by that, and I'm just like, well, bro,
Speaker 1: I suck it up. We're supposed to be hurt because
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't mean it like that, you know.
Speaker 1: And then I totally don't take responsibility in some of
Speaker 1: those moments because I feel like it just wasn't that
Speaker 1: big of a deal. And just because it's not a
Speaker 1: big deal to me doesn't mean that it's not a
Speaker 1: big deal to you, you know. So I'm going to
Speaker 1: take that whtle Jim, Okay, Jim, put it in my
Speaker 1: pocket and it's a Rose Courts crystal in case that
Speaker 1: So shifting gears a little bit as we kind of
Speaker 1: wrap up. So we've spoken a lot about like pouring
Speaker 1: into the spouse and everything, but like what about us?
Speaker 1: You know? What about us? And you know, self care
Speaker 1: is that term being thrown around a whole lot lately
Speaker 1: because I feel like we now realize that in order
Speaker 1: to be that cup that pours into every aspect of life,
Speaker 1: we have to have something too. You've got to fill
Speaker 1: that joint up. Um. So what are your favorite ways
Speaker 1: to kind of reconnect with yourself, um and make the
Speaker 1: most of your own company psychotherapy for you? Melani? You say,
Speaker 1: is one way? What about you, Cody, anything that you
Speaker 1: do to kind of just say him I love you,
Speaker 1: I will say, I will be honest, and right now
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that at all, like I would say
Speaker 1: almost at all. I'm getting to a place. But that
Speaker 1: is my biggest issue with me right now. So you're
Speaker 1: acknowledging that. It's fully acknowledging that. Yeah, I am trying
Speaker 1: to figure out I have zero rituals for me right like,
Speaker 1: like I don't even floss every day, Like that's a
Speaker 1: thing that no one cares but me. It's for me
Speaker 1: and my teeth helped, but like I don't even take
Speaker 1: the two minutes every day to do that for myself.
Speaker 1: And so I'm trying to figure out, right now, what
Speaker 1: are those things? What is one thing that I can
Speaker 1: do that's like three minutes, you know, two to three
Speaker 1: minutes a day, even if it's just being still um.
Speaker 1: One thing I have incorporated, like in the last couple
Speaker 1: of weeks is working out, but it's overwhelmed. It's like
Speaker 1: it's nerve racking because I feel so good when I
Speaker 1: do it, but I also feel like I've just taken
Speaker 1: an hour and a half away from something else. So
Speaker 1: I'm trying to wrap my head around just being like,
Speaker 1: but you need it but you deserve it so that
Speaker 1: you're not feeling guilty after the fact. So I'm in
Speaker 1: that spot now because I want to I want to
Speaker 1: point something out because I noticed this about moms in general.
Speaker 1: Consistency with myself is like the worst. But when I
Speaker 1: tell you that my son routine is all points, listen
Speaker 1: to me, listen to me. So so I I always
Speaker 1: say that to other moms, and I say that to
Speaker 1: myself because it's possible. It's where you choose, and like,
Speaker 1: as women, this is our this is quintessential like one
Speaker 1: o one give poor poor poor filth, feed, take care
Speaker 1: of everyone you know, and we forget. And so it
Speaker 1: is just as small as taking three minutes to yourself.
Speaker 1: It is just as amazing as being here today, like
Speaker 1: it really is. It's it's um, it's a thing. So
Speaker 1: you can do it and just find the small ways
Speaker 1: that you can and then of course releasing like knowing
Speaker 1: you will start to understand. Like I started doing orange theory,
Speaker 1: which is like I'm obsessed with it. I didn't think
Speaker 1: that I would be because I thought those people were
Speaker 1: crazy down Orange theory. So it's a high intensity workout.
Speaker 1: So it's an hour, right, So like I found that, like,
Speaker 1: I just didn't. I wasn't having the motivation to go
Speaker 1: to the gym and motivate myself to do it. I
Speaker 1: was boxing for a little bit. I like that too,
Speaker 1: but girl, you see these nails, they don't always work.
Speaker 1: That's also me time, by the way. Um, But yeah,
Speaker 1: like the orange theory is high intensity workouts. It's an
Speaker 1: hour literally start to finish, you'll be home, you'll be done,
Speaker 1: dressed in everything within the hour. And it's just that
Speaker 1: good sweat that I feel that I need and I'm
Speaker 1: challenging myself and I feel like that's a really good
Speaker 1: way for me now as far as how I implement
Speaker 1: self care and build confidence for myself, because I'll honestly say,
Speaker 1: like once I had my son, coming into the industry,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I mean there's a whole other thing.
Speaker 1: I just saw a picture somebody posted to me last night.
Speaker 1: I remember this is before I had my son, and
Speaker 1: it was like a month that I had done any
Speaker 1: public photos, and somebody's just like, oh, she looks like
Speaker 1: she put on weight. And then after I had my son,
Speaker 1: this narrative is still in my head and I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, people are gonna say I'm that. People
Speaker 1: are gonna say all these things, and it's like, what's
Speaker 1: not true that baby? Stop it right, you know. But
Speaker 1: the thing is is that now I've gotten to this
Speaker 1: place where I just want to feel healthy and strong
Speaker 1: and so whatever that is. I love going for acupuncture.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I would just go for a random sound bath.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'll just go for a walk. Sometimes this high
Speaker 1: intensity work out of me pushing myself and ten ten
Speaker 1: or eleven on the treadmill and bed sprint for thirty seconds.
Speaker 1: Lets me know you did this, you know. So I
Speaker 1: try to do those things. And really, my biggest thing
Speaker 1: that I do these days is say no. I say
Speaker 1: no to whatever is not going to fill me, and
Speaker 1: keep it pushing and keep pushing about it. I don't
Speaker 1: even if you know. And it's interesting because when you
Speaker 1: have a family, you start to think about money and
Speaker 1: you start to think about opportunities. And then I've said
Speaker 1: yes to certain things where I was like, no, not
Speaker 1: all money is good money. So now I really just
Speaker 1: want to say no. In general. I want to set
Speaker 1: the boundaries of um of not being tune. You know.
Speaker 1: That's how That's how I'm filling my cup. It's funny
Speaker 1: my little self care thing. Um, I think because also
Speaker 1: a lot of my work is on social media and
Speaker 1: just always being on my phone and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: I was literally heartbroken. I wrote a blog about it,
Speaker 1: a blog about it recently that um Cairo, my middle son,
Speaker 1: was asking me for something one day and I was
Speaker 1: just in my phone doing something like posting a story
Speaker 1: or something, and um, he was like Mommy, no, no, no no,
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, whatever, not listening to him. And he
Speaker 1: was like Mommy, with like this force, and he was like,
Speaker 1: you're not listening to me. I was like, break my
Speaker 1: heart a million pieces. Just bear my heart because it's over.
Speaker 1: And I literally stopped and was like and I was
Speaker 1: in tears and I was hugging him and I was like,
Speaker 1: what's the matter. I'm so sorry, and I promise you now.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know what, sometimes I'll just have to
Speaker 1: put my phone down. That is my self camera. So
Speaker 1: there are some Sundays where I'll wake up and I
Speaker 1: was like, no, check a quick email, whatever, and I'll
Speaker 1: put my phone down on the charger for the day.
Speaker 1: That's great, and I just let it. I just that's
Speaker 1: just it. I'm like, it's gonna have to wait. And
Speaker 1: naturally there's some people that are just like, girl, did
Speaker 1: you die? I text you three hours ago, you didn't reply,
Speaker 1: you know, And I'm just like, I took some time.
Speaker 1: And sometimes it's time for me. Sometimes it's just time
Speaker 1: for my family, my husband, children, like it's just time
Speaker 1: away from all the noise. And that's probably my most
Speaker 1: favorite self care ye so sore so flowers. Ladies, I
Speaker 1: do like by yourself flowers. That's like the smallest thing jewelry.
Speaker 1: Just walk on jewelry, you know, if you're bowling on
Speaker 1: a budget, and if you know what I mean, it
Speaker 1: depends when girl, there's Etsy, we can find some stuff,
Speaker 1: and then there's always Amazon. It's funny because I had
Speaker 1: a little cement where I was good to talk to
Speaker 1: you all about like things that you or where you
Speaker 1: shot for sexy bedroom pieces, which is like the counterpart
Speaker 1: to me meis you like what not? But I was like,
Speaker 1: you know, my Amazon is cool for like a little
Speaker 1: cheerley diskirt or if you want to be a little schoolgirl,
Speaker 1: because ifout likes role play and whatnot. So I got
Speaker 1: to go to Amazon to hit them up. Half is
Speaker 1: working on my chop so that's all that is me.
Speaker 1: I like to say, oh my goodness. All right, so
Speaker 1: we have listener letters. I just want to stick you
Speaker 1: around for maybe ten more minutes. I don't want to
Speaker 1: take out too many times. But before we do that,
Speaker 1: we're gonna take a little break and we're going to
Speaker 1: get into some ads. Okay, so we'll be right back.
Speaker 1: Stay town. This for the record, there it is a
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Speaker 1: of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what
Speaker 1: if it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out.
Speaker 1: Now listen and stitch your Apple podcasts or your favorite
Speaker 1: podcast app. All right, so now we're back and it's
Speaker 1: time for listener letters. So I always encouraged my beautiful
Speaker 1: guests to stick around and help me answer these questions,
Speaker 1: because shall these emails be crazy sometimes with these scenarios
Speaker 1: that people legitimately need help and they need advice. So
Speaker 1: I don't want to make fun of it, but we
Speaker 1: do want to see what they have to say and
Speaker 1: give our little two cents, you know. And since Melanie
Speaker 1: has all the fields today and the energy and she's
Speaker 1: just speaking to my soul, she might speak to y'alls too.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna read the first question and we'll see
Speaker 1: what we can do for you. All right, Um, dear
Speaker 1: K and d big fans of the podcast, I've get
Speaker 1: to miss an episode. Thank you. Trying to get my
Speaker 1: wife into Oh so this is a man writing in
Speaker 1: We like when we hear from the guys. Um, trying
Speaker 1: to get my wife into it. So maybe being mentioned
Speaker 1: on the show will convince her. Oh okay, our first
Speaker 1: ye can't give me no name, so I don't know
Speaker 1: who you are, bro, but okay, our first year of marriage,
Speaker 1: our first year in being married just coming up. It's
Speaker 1: been a roller coaster for sure. How is the first
Speaker 1: year for you too? What pressure or difficulties did you
Speaker 1: to face when it came to family professional and I
Speaker 1: guess personally, Um, our family can't help but mention kids
Speaker 1: every visit. Okay, so they want kids or family wants kids. Um,
Speaker 1: what advice would you have facing these similar pressures? Can
Speaker 1: you suddress what we would do or what's the best
Speaker 1: way to handle these topics? When brought up I guess
Speaker 1: from other it doesn't feel very clear, but I'm assuming
Speaker 1: he's saying they've been married for a year and they're
Speaker 1: having some pressures that they're facing with their family and
Speaker 1: professionally and stuff like that. So anything that maybe you
Speaker 1: guys have encountered, maybe Cody, um, you can speak on
Speaker 1: in that first year that I mean, arding the children thing,
Speaker 1: it's kind of just none of your business to inquiries,
Speaker 1: you know. Um, But yeah, marriage is like is historically
Speaker 1: statistically the first year is the hardest, the hardest. So
Speaker 1: that's just normal. And to not think that you're different
Speaker 1: or anything, you know, depending on what your issues are,
Speaker 1: But that's normal. You know, you're you're adjusting greatly. Maybe
Speaker 1: you didn't live together before, you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 1: there's just so many adjustments in that first year. So
Speaker 1: my only note is to just communicate, maybe go to therapy,
Speaker 1: but yeah, just to communicate for sure. Yeah. I think
Speaker 1: the first year for Deval were really hard too, because
Speaker 1: it was like we were married. We were coming off
Speaker 1: of the stresses of like this big wedding that our
Speaker 1: families both wanted us to have. So we were recuperating
Speaker 1: from that, um, you know, because it's like, all, we're
Speaker 1: gonna have this money, but like make sure we can
Speaker 1: live after because a lot of our money was tied
Speaker 1: up in assets and like homes and investments and stuff
Speaker 1: that we had. So it was like, you know, really
Speaker 1: just trying to like all off this wedding and ended
Speaker 1: up getting pregnant on the honeymoon. Jackson was a honey
Speaker 1: He went to Jamaica's two came back and three child.
Speaker 1: So that was a lot too because then now we're
Speaker 1: now married and it's like, Okay, what does it look
Speaker 1: like to be married? Like what's different? Um? And then
Speaker 1: we're also now I'm going through a whole bunch of
Speaker 1: hormonal changes being pregnant and having our first child within
Speaker 1: the first year. So we definitely threw around that divorce.
Speaker 1: We're like a couple of times like what did we do?
Speaker 1: I liked you seven years prior and here we are
Speaker 1: and what did we do? Nobody told me about X
Speaker 1: y Z you know. So that was a big issue
Speaker 1: for us that first year um of marriage. And then slowly,
Speaker 1: I think once we kind of regained um, some focus
Speaker 1: on like what exactly it was that we wanted. I
Speaker 1: think Jackson too helped to keep us together because we
Speaker 1: had the common goal of now parenting this little person
Speaker 1: that didn't next to be here, um, but he's here
Speaker 1: and we loved him to death, and knowing that we
Speaker 1: wanted to have a household that was going to be
Speaker 1: together and that was gonna be healthy for him. UM.
Speaker 1: So that does help a lot um within that first year,
Speaker 1: at least for us. UM. Do you feel, for see Melanie,
Speaker 1: any changes coming. It's really interesting because I always wonder, like,
Speaker 1: because we have been living together, have a child, and
Speaker 1: now we're going to have this you know, ceremony, I
Speaker 1: wonder if things will change. I don't. I hope that
Speaker 1: I don't foresee that they would, but I feel like,
Speaker 1: does like does the official title create other things? I
Speaker 1: mean except for anybody coming, well, let me relate to
Speaker 1: the writer, because if anybody is trying to come up
Speaker 1: in here after we say these vals and talking about
Speaker 1: when are you gonna exactly? We don't know if we're
Speaker 1: having another baby, And I think that that's the thing
Speaker 1: I would give any advice to anybody is just don't
Speaker 1: have other people project their expectations. Are sure there's a
Speaker 1: reason why it's just you and that person, and you've
Speaker 1: chosen each other and just said boundaries. I say no
Speaker 1: with a smile. You know what, Thanks, but I didn't
Speaker 1: ask for your opinion. Thanks, but I didn't ask you.
Speaker 1: I'm smiling. I'm so happy. It's for sure. We did
Speaker 1: a whole episode on stop Clocking my uterus. That's actually
Speaker 1: the title of so trust me. I completely under say
Speaker 1: where you're coming from with that Majo business. Tell that alright,
Speaker 1: story short, all right. In our last question for today, um, hi,
Speaker 1: I'm newly I'm a newly wed and a new mom.
Speaker 1: How did you or when you started feeling sexy again
Speaker 1: after kas and Cairo. She's speaking to me as a female,
Speaker 1: So when did you start to feel sexy again after
Speaker 1: these babies? I come, that's what she's saying. I'm recovering
Speaker 1: from a cesarian and having a hard time falling in
Speaker 1: love with myself again. And of you had Crian, you
Speaker 1: had at both. Really I had a c section with Brooks.
Speaker 1: I didn't know that bag. You know what the twins? Okay,
Speaker 1: good for you. So yeah, fall in love with this
Speaker 1: body that's such a such such a complicated. It don't
Speaker 1: look the same, it don't sit the same, it don't
Speaker 1: move the same. Sure, and who knows if it feels
Speaker 1: the same, you know what I'm saying. Really, I just
Speaker 1: I just think that it is a process. I know,
Speaker 1: for me, I found that. And I when I found
Speaker 1: that I was doing things, whether it was physical activity
Speaker 1: to try to make myself feel good about my physical
Speaker 1: body or just things in general that made me feel good,
Speaker 1: was when I started to find confidence within myself body wise.
Speaker 1: You know, it's hard when you are beating up on yourself,
Speaker 1: when you're like, oh, I've put on so much weight
Speaker 1: and now I'm sitting at home and all I'm doing
Speaker 1: is taking care of the baby. And I found that,
Speaker 1: like when I was putting my best foot forward for myself,
Speaker 1: even if I wasn't where I was ideal, I still
Speaker 1: was finding confidence for myself and learning that I wanted
Speaker 1: to do everything out of self love and rather than
Speaker 1: self hate. And so that was really the thing. And
Speaker 1: so even now I still sometimes I'll be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I love yourself, girl, love yourself, Love yourself. It is
Speaker 1: so it is a it is a journey forever. And
Speaker 1: I think that communicating with your partner, as vulnerable as
Speaker 1: that can be, is the key because they will feel
Speaker 1: when you're shying away, when you're hiding, and maybe you
Speaker 1: can rely on them to help bring that sexyotity and
Speaker 1: make you feel like you had tired. You know, it's
Speaker 1: really important because I feel like two for our partners,
Speaker 1: they're kind of being extra sensitive to us in that
Speaker 1: time because we just did have surgery, we just you know,
Speaker 1: gave birth. We just are adjusting to this new body,
Speaker 1: and they're hearing us say, oh, these genes don't fit,
Speaker 1: or oh I used to or people are saying things.
Speaker 1: You know, so I think it's really important to also
Speaker 1: communicate how you're feeling, because I know, for a while
Speaker 1: I kept all of my stuff inside. And you know,
Speaker 1: then also your partner might start to feel like you're
Speaker 1: not interested in them, where you're just not in the mood.
Speaker 1: You might need a little encouragement, you might need someone
Speaker 1: to say I still love you the way that you are,
Speaker 1: this thing that it used to be there before. I
Speaker 1: still love you. I take you and accept you as
Speaker 1: you are. You know, it's really it goes a long way.
Speaker 1: So communication, don't be afraid to be vulnerable about how
Speaker 1: you're feeling about your mind. Do you remember I wrote
Speaker 1: a snap back article for you guys, and we talked
Speaker 1: about the snaps back culture and like this, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: what it is like this this whole term and like
Speaker 1: that negative connotation that it has because people expect it
Speaker 1: to happen like right away, and there's so much pressure
Speaker 1: on women to then feel like they have to just
Speaker 1: reassimilate into the culture all put together again, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. So it's kind of just like throwing
Speaker 1: away that term, or if you do embrace the term,
Speaker 1: knowing that you're doing it within your own time frame.
Speaker 1: And that's super important. So take your time. It took
Speaker 1: nine months, ten months, they say, to grow an entire human,
Speaker 1: deliver that human, and then to you know, get bounced back.
Speaker 1: It takes time. Remember my O B G y N
Speaker 1: told me, you know, because I was very much like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna start working out, can I start working out
Speaker 1: that six weeks visit and she was like, well, you know,
Speaker 1: it takes about a year for your body to kind
Speaker 1: of readjust and get back to like normal, and then
Speaker 1: they're always fast forward. It's like cut to Cody and
Speaker 1: Tommy leaving our apartment and then I was prenatal and
Speaker 1: postpartum at the same damn time because I had back
Speaker 1: to that babies, and there's no recovery in sight. It's
Speaker 1: not like and here I am two years later after cats,
Speaker 1: finally feeling like Okay, I've got this. I've got myself together.
Speaker 1: And I don't want to say most important, but the
Speaker 1: thing that stands out to me about that is that
Speaker 1: you just said two years later that is important and
Speaker 1: a big deal, and people look at you and your
Speaker 1: social or like she just had a baby, you know
Speaker 1: what he needed chill. It is a process. I'm still
Speaker 1: he's three, he's about to be four, and I'm still like,
Speaker 1: I could get that a little tighter. I think maybe
Speaker 1: I don't know, but we're getting start. But you know
Speaker 1: what that to or over a year. You know what
Speaker 1: I will say is I have hips that I never
Speaker 1: had before now and once upon a time when that
Speaker 1: put me in a size six instead of a size four.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Like, I'm like, okay, Like
Speaker 1: that's just what it is. And I will share a
Speaker 1: piece of wisdom to any woman who is listening, whether
Speaker 1: whatever journey or on, whether it's post baby, pre baby,
Speaker 1: no baby, wait, whatever it is. My therapist told me
Speaker 1: this and I never forgot it. It was I was
Speaker 1: feeling really low about the way that I looked physically
Speaker 1: at a time, and I remember saying to her, you know,
Speaker 1: I just I'm working out, but I still want to
Speaker 1: eat the doughnut and I just don't understand why I
Speaker 1: can't control it. And she was like, stop waiting to
Speaker 1: feel good, stop waiting to look good, to feel good.
Speaker 1: And I was like, well, what do you mean. She
Speaker 1: was just like, you're not your ideal size right now,
Speaker 1: but I want you to go buy some thing that
Speaker 1: makes you feel good in your size right now. She
Speaker 1: was like, don't wait to get back into these genes
Speaker 1: where these things that you used to wear. If you
Speaker 1: a size ten, now go buy something size make you
Speaker 1: go by something that makes you feel good, because if
Speaker 1: you are waiting for this comparison to get to this
Speaker 1: place and that's how you feel success or happiness. You
Speaker 1: will be struggling forever. So just do something right now
Speaker 1: wherever you are to make yourself feel good and all
Speaker 1: that note. Baby, On that note, thank you ladies so
Speaker 1: much for saying that always helps to get different perspectives
Speaker 1: on motherhood and life and us just trying to do
Speaker 1: everything as women. So it's like you said, whether you
Speaker 1: have children when you you don't, you know, you're in
Speaker 1: the workforce. Whatever it is. I'm sure that someone can
Speaker 1: take something from today's episode because as hell did you
Speaker 1: got mad gyms in my bag? What was it? Kind
Speaker 1: of Crystal s Courts, bro S Courts and this internally
Speaker 1: in for sure. There you go, And if you want
Speaker 1: to be featured as one of our listener letters, be
Speaker 1: sure to email us at dead as Advice at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com. So on our way out right now, it
Speaker 1: was our bridal shower, you know, joints there you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, because I was going to ask for
Speaker 1: our toast. So normally what we do at the end
Speaker 1: of every episode, but were just there you go. So
Speaker 1: what we do at the end of every episode we
Speaker 1: have a moment of truth. So our takeaway, what's like
Speaker 1: you're one thing you've taken away from this episode today
Speaker 1: that you're leaving with um, anything you learned, anything else
Speaker 1: that you want to share or reiterate, UM, And just
Speaker 1: like a sentence or two, tell me what your moment
Speaker 1: of truth is toast to the good life. Everybody's leaving
Speaker 1: at me. My moment of truth is probably the reminder
Speaker 1: that never gets old that for me started when I
Speaker 1: was parting with the twins, so not even before. That
Speaker 1: is to give myself grace no matter where I am,
Speaker 1: whether it's size and weight, or work and mom guilt
Speaker 1: or any thing, to give myself grace, especially because no
Speaker 1: one else has to sure for sure, Absolutely, I love that.
Speaker 1: I think my takeaway is look for inspiration all around you,
Speaker 1: because both of you women are so inspiring to me.
Speaker 1: Being being mother's working women multiple children, I find it
Speaker 1: hard enough doing it with just one. So knowing that
Speaker 1: it's possible to be as fly and fun as y'all
Speaker 1: are three babies, it's really amazing. And so I feel
Speaker 1: like that would be my takeaways to just remind yourself
Speaker 1: that you you are surrounded by inspiration and sisterhood and
Speaker 1: tribe at all times, and no matter how many kids.
Speaker 1: The experience is relatable, and so you have to share.
Speaker 1: And so I'm I'm very thankful to sit here with
Speaker 1: you ladies. Thank you so much for that. Melanie. You
Speaker 1: know it's funny. My moment of truth was actually it
Speaker 1: came from you, um, something that you said, your brother said,
Speaker 1: and because I was in tears and cry I couldn't
Speaker 1: jot it down because I normally will take a note
Speaker 1: or something sometimes text. Well, actually, let's remember it one
Speaker 1: more time because I want to get that on the record.
Speaker 1: He said that the concept is is that you are
Speaker 1: you are responsible for your partners, um, how your partner
Speaker 1: is feeling, whether you are right, whether you agree, whether
Speaker 1: it sounds ridiculous to you, that it is your responsibility
Speaker 1: to do what you can within your power to help
Speaker 1: your partner feel better, no matter what that is, whether
Speaker 1: that is being seen, being heard, acknowledged, um, you know, UM,
Speaker 1: reminded that they're they're appreciated, whatever, whatever that does, whatever
Speaker 1: that need is from your partner. Um, it's very important
Speaker 1: that you are willing to do the work to help
Speaker 1: get them to a place where they feel good. Again.
Speaker 1: I love that. Yes, as I get old, Seria and
Speaker 1: again I'm not going to do it twice on one episode.
Speaker 1: So no, I'm a thug, I'm from Brooklyn. But yes,
Speaker 1: that that's amazing and I'm definitely going to jot that down.
Speaker 1: I'm going to re re listen to this. But thank
Speaker 1: you ladies so much for joining me here today. Let
Speaker 1: everyone know where they can find you handles all, I mean,
Speaker 1: they know what they can, but still handles on Instagram,
Speaker 1: all the socials and all that kind of stuff. So
Speaker 1: I am at Cody co c O d I E
Speaker 1: c O and you can also follow at black Love
Speaker 1: of course you better be. And I am Melanie Fiona
Speaker 1: at Melanie Fiona m E l A n I E
Speaker 1: f I O M A on all handles and on
Speaker 1: YouTube it's Melanie Fiona TV. I love that. And be
Speaker 1: sure to follow devlin I on social media Cadeen I
Speaker 1: am and I am Devil. And if you're listening on Stitcher,
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or anywhere you listen, be sure to rate,
Speaker 1: review and subscribe dead Ass. Dead Ass is a production
Speaker 1: of Stitcher. We are produced by Jackie Soljico and No Opinion.
Speaker 1: Our executive producer t Square. Our associate producers are Triple
Speaker 1: and Kristin Torres. Our chief content officer is Chris Bannon,
Speaker 1: our studio engineer, and original music is by Brent and
Speaker 1: Burns and last but not least, we are mixed by
Speaker 1: Andy Kristen's We'll Back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth.
Speaker 1: We have a podcast going on right now as far
Speaker 1: as the stitchen Et. We're called Substraction. That's available every
Speaker 1: we get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple Go listen
Speaker 1: right now to the Distraction right now. It's out do
Speaker 1: it Least