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Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and

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Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

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Speaker 1: called Defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new

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Speaker 1: podcast to go with it. This very podcast which has

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Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now. It's available

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Speaker 1: ever rescue your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen

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Speaker 1: right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.

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Speaker 1: Go listen to see by Hey, y'all, we recorded these

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Speaker 1: episodes before the news about COVID nineteen broke. We wanted

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Speaker 1: to let you know that we're here for you and

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Speaker 1: that we hope these episodes can bring you a little

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Speaker 1: bit of joy and escape in these uncertain times. So listen.

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Speaker 1: Whether you check the box of married, single, engaged, situation, ship, undecided,

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Speaker 1: or none of the above, nothing beats quality time with

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Speaker 1: your girlfriends did as Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis.

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Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our

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Speaker 1: boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.

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Speaker 1: I'm making most days. And one more important thing to mention,

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Speaker 1: we're married, Yes, so we are. We created this podcast

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Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,

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Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the

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Speaker 1: lens of a millennium Mattie Couple. Dead ass is a

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Speaker 1: term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass,

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Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillows

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Speaker 1: off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts now.

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Speaker 1: All right, So I'm gonna take you back to my

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Speaker 1: bridle shower, right my mom, bless her heart, We all

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Speaker 1: love Mimi. Mimi was like, I want you to open

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Speaker 1: my gift last, because so I was prepared, like tissue

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Speaker 1: in hand. I'm like, this is about to be the

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Speaker 1: most tear jerking gift. She probably has like letters that

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Speaker 1: she wrote every day of my life for like the

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Speaker 1: past twenty seven years. Like it had to be something

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Speaker 1: that was gonna have me like on the floor. So

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Speaker 1: I opened this box, you know, and it was like

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Speaker 1: delicately wrapped with tissue paper and it was a nightgown.

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Speaker 1: And it wasn't even like some joint from like Victoria's

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Speaker 1: Secrets or like Frederick's of Hollywood, like one of them jams.

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Speaker 1: My girl got me a satin nightgown that I hit

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Speaker 1: the floor. It had the lace and the beating and

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Speaker 1: the pearl applicated on the shoulders and in the neckline,

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Speaker 1: nice little sweetheart joint, you know. And then it had

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Speaker 1: the matching robe though with the shoulder pats like the

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Speaker 1: hard ones that shot out. And my mother was wanting

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Speaker 1: to me to wrap myself up with a bowl in

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Speaker 1: this nightgown for DeVos so we can consummate our marriage.

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Speaker 1: The night of the wedding, I was just like, Sis,

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Speaker 1: that's not quite my speed. But I love you girl,

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Speaker 1: I love you, Mimi, I love you momm So, guys,

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Speaker 1: I've been working on my vocals for karaoke session and

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Speaker 1: I have something special for you, guys. Have been working

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Speaker 1: really hard at this song, um, and I just reached

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Speaker 1: the point in my life right now where as a mom,

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Speaker 1: as a wife, as a businesswoman, as an actor. You know,

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Speaker 1: I just want things to be right, you know what

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Speaker 1: I mean. I need you to give it to me

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Speaker 1: right or don't give it to me at all. And

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Speaker 1: it goes a little something like this, Okay, Okay, he's

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Speaker 1: got my number right. You can't. You can't only baby

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Speaker 1: here rum either, you make the time or just forgive me.

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Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not trying to run your life. That's why,

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Speaker 1: that's why I'm nobody's wife. Won't win. I want win,

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Speaker 1: don't on it. You gotta be ready. I don't want

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Speaker 1: it to the time, but when I get it, to

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Speaker 1: be satisfied. So give it to me. Don't give it

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Speaker 1: to me at all. And how about that? How about that? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna let your hold that real quick, let that marinate,

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Speaker 1: and then we'll be back with the meat of the show.

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Speaker 1: All right, y'all. So it's ladies night. It's my last

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Speaker 1: hurrah before renewing my marriage vowels, you're my wedding vows

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Speaker 1: and whatnot. And usually back in the day, bridle showers

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Speaker 1: were away for women to kind of get together with

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Speaker 1: their closest women their tribe and helped to kind of

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Speaker 1: raise money or start her off with her family and

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Speaker 1: her new life. Um. Today, the tradition of women gathering

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Speaker 1: in their you know, shared love space for this bride

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Speaker 1: to prepare her for marriage is continued, but instead of

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Speaker 1: you know, raising money for like a dowry or gifts,

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Speaker 1: we get some shared advice as well. You share recipes,

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Speaker 1: you do cute little games. Today I have some girls

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Speaker 1: in the studio. You know, the guys can have their

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Speaker 1: own little episode and do their own little thing. Um.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, today I am talking to some special guests.

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Speaker 1: So I have a confession to make. The first one

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Speaker 1: being uh, that wasn't really me during karaoke. Um. I

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Speaker 1: aspire though, and in my next life I will be

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Speaker 1: a singer. That's one thing that I discussed with the

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Speaker 1: Good Lord, and I was like, next time around, I

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Speaker 1: need to be able to sing if I don't do

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Speaker 1: anything else. Okay, But I happen to have somebody in

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Speaker 1: the studio today who's not only an amazing singer, but

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Speaker 1: she's a beautiful person. You know. I have a funny

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Speaker 1: little story and I don't know if she remembers, but

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Speaker 1: my very first time that I worked for the Hot

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Speaker 1: Zone USA, I was doing a red carpet at an

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Speaker 1: event at the forty forty Club in New York. And

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Speaker 1: this was me fresh out of like retirement. And I

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Speaker 1: say that because it was a hiatus more like that

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Speaker 1: I had Jackson took some time off from work and

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Speaker 1: was getting back into hosting again, and she was my

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Speaker 1: very first red carpet interview. That I did at the

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Speaker 1: forty forty club, and I don't remember if it was

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Speaker 1: like the opening of the club, because I feel like

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Speaker 1: we're going to be dating ourselves if we say it

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Speaker 1: was the opening of the club. It was a while back.

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Speaker 1: But in the studio today we have Melanie Fiona you Hello, Hello,

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Speaker 1: what's up? So what's going on? Going on? Yes, okay,

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Speaker 1: don't put me in the studio with that whatnot, fellow

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Speaker 1: West Indian because it's a whole rap. She is a

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Speaker 1: Grammy Award winning singer and songwriter and producer. But lately

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Speaker 1: Melanie has been sharing another part of her life with us,

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Speaker 1: and that's motherhood. And she has a YouTube channel, Motherhood

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Speaker 1: and Music, where she gets very candid about her journey

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Speaker 1: into motherhood. So thank you for joining me. Girl. Since

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Speaker 1: I've moved out to here, to l A, I mean,

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Speaker 1: she's been trying to get with me. I've been trying

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Speaker 1: to get with her. And look, you know, the stars

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Speaker 1: have a lined cam. Don't have no siblings running around

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Speaker 1: you all the three. Just let me borrow all the

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Speaker 1: plate just drop camel perfect and you can have a

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Speaker 1: whole self care day. What about that? By you know,

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Speaker 1: I understand what it means to have a little bit

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Speaker 1: of just having an hour. If you want to sit

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Speaker 1: in your car drop him off, sitting in your car

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Speaker 1: in my driveway, Meditate, meditate, take a nap, what you

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Speaker 1: gotta do. And also in the studio with me today,

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Speaker 1: miss Cody Elaine Oliver. I absolutely love love Cody. So, Cody,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna have to tell him a little bit about

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Speaker 1: how you even found me, because I didn't find you.

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Speaker 1: You found me. Indeed, how did you find me? Okay?

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Speaker 1: So I had had my first child, Brooks Edward Oliver,

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Speaker 1: and up late nursing. That's what we do when we

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Speaker 1: have babies. And I'm on social media. I'm googling should

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Speaker 1: my boob hurt? You know, all the normal things. But

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Speaker 1: I'm on social and I see this couple. Right. I

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Speaker 1: see this mom going like climbing the stairs in her

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Speaker 1: apartment and her man is like filming it and he's like,

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Speaker 1: look at that, but get a girl. It was like,

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Speaker 1: this is six weeks postpartum or whatever it was. I

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Speaker 1: do a deep dive and see that this woman has

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Speaker 1: a child the same age as mine, this baby, this

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Speaker 1: new baby, and I'm like, she's doing all these workouts

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Speaker 1: and stuff looking all cute. I hate it, but I

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Speaker 1: loved it. I thought you guys were hilarious and beautiful

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Speaker 1: and you know, and of course your baby was what

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Speaker 1: was he a couple of month? Like one who not

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Speaker 1: maybe one month? Because that was Cairo that I had. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so he's on sept Yeah, so Brooks October October four. See,

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Speaker 1: there we go, like three weeks ago. I was all

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Speaker 1: kind of jealous, but also like inspired, and so that

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Speaker 1: is how I found And I was inspired when I

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Speaker 1: started to see videos of Brooks at eighteen months, recognizing

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Speaker 1: shapes like octagon, all sorts that I said, well, my

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Speaker 1: MoMA had the table shifting. You were you were feeling

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Speaker 1: some kind of way watching me, and I was looking

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Speaker 1: at Cairo like negro. You got Brooks over here, so

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Speaker 1: safe and whatnot. So we're even Cody, we're even okay.

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Speaker 1: But for those of you who don't know who Cody is,

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Speaker 1: Cody is the mastermind behind the Black Love doc series

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Speaker 1: on Own, which featured Devil and I a couple of

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Speaker 1: years ago. And it's funny because Cody actually came over

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Speaker 1: for that session and um, I got into a little

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Speaker 1: like argument before she came in and I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: fuck this interview. I'm not doing this ship no more.

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Speaker 1: Blah blah blah. And if I was like, what do

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Speaker 1: you mean you're outside the door right now, it's like, well,

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Speaker 1: you don't answer it, and I'm gonna finish my makeup

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Speaker 1: because I thought, come to find out, I was either

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Speaker 1: pregnant with Katz at the time, or like maybe we

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Speaker 1: made up that night. Yes, that's my belief. That's my

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Speaker 1: personal belief that that night, Belie the Blacken, you know

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Speaker 1: what I mean. Essential definition. So you and Tommy, you're

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Speaker 1: like honorary godparents. Speaking of this honorary godparents situation, you

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Speaker 1: just offered Melanie the opportunity to drop her children off

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Speaker 1: child child, child, child, okay, at your house, but I

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Speaker 1: got three. I'm just wondering. It's the same sort of

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Speaker 1: I would love to drop my child off at your

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Speaker 1: house to you know, I'm trying to drop mine. Let

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Speaker 1: me tell you it's it's easy because think about when

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Speaker 1: you have babies or whatever. You're pregnant. Everyone's like, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, when are your pregnant? Are you're pregnant? Right?

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Speaker 1: I can't wait to see the baby. And then they

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Speaker 1: kind of disappear. But when you can drop one child off,

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Speaker 1: it's like no big deal. You drop off too, It's

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Speaker 1: like okay. And after that it's like okay, you push

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Speaker 1: it because you're trying to drop a whole last village.

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Speaker 1: But the funny thing is, then you guys know this too.

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Speaker 1: Is that like the more that they are, they kind

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Speaker 1: of take care of each other. I don't know, because

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Speaker 1: we're just the one. I'm like, where is your friends?

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Speaker 1: Where are your friends? Where are where are they? Because

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Speaker 1: definitely things to do. So I find that whenever there's

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Speaker 1: more multiples around, he's like, he doesn't here, doesn't have

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Speaker 1: time for me. So no, it's work. Jackson's you know,

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Speaker 1: almost nine, so he's very responsible and nurturing, you know.

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Speaker 1: So they'll all fit in where they get in and

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Speaker 1: there and we just leave. Correct You just want to

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Speaker 1: be clear, You guys just leave boys. We all have boys. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it works. It works. So now that we got the

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Speaker 1: intros out of the way, we're talking about little thing

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Speaker 1: in commas of Melani. I don't even know that your

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Speaker 1: birthday is July fourth, it is, it's July fourth. Then

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Speaker 1: digging up you know some some facts and tips about

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Speaker 1: you and whatnot. I realized that our actual anniversary your

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Speaker 1: live fourth. I think I didn't know this, Yes, I

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Speaker 1: think I didn't know this, But that's just because I

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Speaker 1: love you guys. Yeah bad. And where's your family from? Originally?

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Speaker 1: All my family from Guyana, all your family from I

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Speaker 1: love that. I love that. And um, Cody, of course

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Speaker 1: you're an all boy mom, so we're hashtag boy mom. Um,

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Speaker 1: we got three. You caught up really quickly having twins

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Speaker 1: the last go around, which was crazy. I couldn't believe it. Um.

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Speaker 1: And then you work with your husband as well, and

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Speaker 1: I work with mine. That part. That part, y'all make

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Speaker 1: it look easy and nice and beautiful. Sometimes just throw

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Speaker 1: the whole husband away. That's how I was like, you

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Speaker 1: know what, this episode made sense to just have just

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Speaker 1: the girls because I was like, Nero, I sit next

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Speaker 1: to you all the time, like, let me get my

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Speaker 1: girls in here and have a session. So he had

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Speaker 1: this little guy session. I had my little girls session.

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Speaker 1: So we're gonna see who did the best. How about that?

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Speaker 1: How about that? So each of us share our lives

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Speaker 1: as mothers on social media various different you know, via

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Speaker 1: different platforms and whatnot, and on our vlogs and interviews

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Speaker 1: and stuff. That's just one part of our identity as women,

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Speaker 1: right just being a mom. But we're also entrepreneurs, we

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Speaker 1: are business women. Were doing so many different things. So

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Speaker 1: I want to talk to you guys a little bit

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Speaker 1: about being a wife and a career woman. Of course

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Speaker 1: it's hard work, Um and Melanie. I want to be clear,

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Speaker 1: you're not married yet. No, so we have a wedding

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Speaker 1: coming here on the road. This is almost like a

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Speaker 1: double bridle shower. I love it. I'm taking notes because

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Speaker 1: I never planned on having a bridle shower, so this

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Speaker 1: is nice. Okay that Cody. Tell me how long have

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Speaker 1: you been with Tommy and how long married? Start there.

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Speaker 1: We've been married for five years February five years and

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Speaker 1: we've been together not much more than that. We actually

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Speaker 1: met and got engaged after six months, yes, then we

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Speaker 1: got married less than a year after that, and now

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Speaker 1: five years, so it's almost seven total. Okay, did you

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Speaker 1: have like a whole big wedding situation? We had a

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Speaker 1: medium wedding we had five years ago. Medium is not now.

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Speaker 1: We had if I'm not mistaken, seventy people in Costa Rica.

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Speaker 1: We were surprised that that many people traveled there, but

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Speaker 1: that's what we do. That's dope, beautiful. There you are, Okay,

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Speaker 1: was in bett over the all over. So yeah, going

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Speaker 1: back to like being mom, career, woman, fiance, all that

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Speaker 1: good stuff. Um, have you ever felt guilt trying to

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Speaker 1: do it all? And how do you possibly try to

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Speaker 1: do it all? Don't all talk it work? Because I

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Speaker 1: have a thought or have I had? I had an epiphany, yes,

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Speaker 1: because for sure, I'm always trying to do it all.

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Speaker 1: First of all, I have a lot to do, so

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Speaker 1: it just feels like a right. I realized recently that

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Speaker 1: I can do anything, like literally, I know that I

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Speaker 1: can kill it at anything that I have to do

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Speaker 1: that I don't know jack about. And that's part of

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Speaker 1: being a business owner, right social media. If I gotta

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Speaker 1: do it bout myself, I'm gonna do it. If it's

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Speaker 1: planning an event, if it whatever it is, if it's

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Speaker 1: editing a whole show, I'm gonna do it. But I

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Speaker 1: can't do it all at once. And that was my

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Speaker 1: realization recently and figuring out how to how to delegate,

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Speaker 1: how to you know, when to take the time to

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Speaker 1: find the people necessary as opposed to just behind, I'll

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Speaker 1: do it, you know, Actually, no, that's not prioritizing me.

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Speaker 1: If I just say okay and then I put the

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Speaker 1: other thing on my plate and then I do all

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Speaker 1: the things poorly. So for sure I feel guilt all

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Speaker 1: the time trying to do and that's just work related. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: um me, I definitely went through a series of guilt,

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Speaker 1: especially for what I do as a recording artist, as

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Speaker 1: a singer songwriter, being gone traveling, having to leave um.

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Speaker 1: And then also you know, as a mom, you just

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Speaker 1: kind of feel like you can't help it, Like you know,

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Speaker 1: Dad's do a great job. You don't ever feel like

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Speaker 1: anybody's gonna do better job than you, so, you know,

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Speaker 1: leaving and also learning to just be like it's okay,

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Speaker 1: Like the kid is going to be okay. It may

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Speaker 1: not be the way you do it, but it will

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Speaker 1: get done. And so really just releasing control was a

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Speaker 1: big thing I think for me, um. And then also

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Speaker 1: just realizing that balance doesn't look like balance, is not

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Speaker 1: all things in balance at the same time, and then

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Speaker 1: also just saying no and asking for help, like asking

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Speaker 1: for help. I found a nanny with the quickness y'all,

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Speaker 1: like no, and you know, I grew up having a

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Speaker 1: grandmother living with us. West Indian parents are like, no,

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Speaker 1: bring bring the child over. You know, it's like we

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Speaker 1: don't have that luxury now that we're out here and

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Speaker 1: all our families in Toronto, in Florida. So you know,

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Speaker 1: it was finding the help, it was creating the village.

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Speaker 1: It was it was finding the people that you could

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Speaker 1: rely on and then setting boundaries for yourself. And then

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Speaker 1: also that came to with my career. There were just

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Speaker 1: certain things that I was like, Nope, not doing that

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Speaker 1: anymore because this part of my life is now a

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Speaker 1: priority right now, So making the necessary adjustments because yeah,

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Speaker 1: you're having to consider not only your fiance but then

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Speaker 1: your child as well, and what's gonna overall. I guess

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Speaker 1: give everyone the most level of comfort. Absolutely. And it's

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Speaker 1: interesting you said that balance is not always fifty fifty

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Speaker 1: because you think of the balancing like the scale everything

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Speaker 1: you should just be weighing out. And sometimes I just realized,

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Speaker 1: like this imaginary scale that I have in my mind,

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Speaker 1: like sometimes actually doesn't have to fall like it's gonna

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Speaker 1: tip over, it's gonna fall off, but then it's okay.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's something that I've had an issue

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Speaker 1: with especially with the move cross country. I can totally

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Speaker 1: empathize with you, Melanie, because I have all my family

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Speaker 1: back in New York. Actually was able to get my

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Speaker 1: mom on board to come over, and you know my

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Speaker 1: family is in Texas. Is out here with less weight,

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Speaker 1: I have a whole thing. I've been thinking about you

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Speaker 1: and your family a lot. What you think. Now. Granted

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Speaker 1: this isn't to say that you don't have your challenges,

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Speaker 1: but I realized that because of MEMI like you got.

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Speaker 1: This is why it looks so from the outside, looks

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Speaker 1: so easy for you guys, because you know you have

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Speaker 1: someone that you love and trust who's related to you,

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Speaker 1: not just a nanny. Know, I have a nanny too,

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Speaker 1: I love her, but it's not the same as my

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Speaker 1: Mimi for sure. And you know having that family makes

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Speaker 1: your I think, your marriage stronger. It allows you to

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Speaker 1: have your own self care. It allows you, guys, to

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Speaker 1: succeed in ways professionally that a lot of us. And

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Speaker 1: this again, I don't want to compare, but I've been

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Speaker 1: looking at it like, what if I only had my

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Speaker 1: mama and then we end up looking at my mom

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Speaker 1: is like, well, see Mimi's over here. What are you

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Speaker 1: doing over there? Can't you just come on over? I mean?

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Speaker 1: And then my dad every day is like, wait, so

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Speaker 1: I thought your mother was just coming to help you

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Speaker 1: move temporarily. It's like August and then he's kind of like, well,

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Speaker 1: I guess I got to kind of come back and

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Speaker 1: forth if I want to see my wife have a relationship,

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Speaker 1: because yeah, it's just like literally uprooting. But you are

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Speaker 1: absolutely right, Cody. The peace of mind that we need

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Speaker 1: to just be able to be productive in our work

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Speaker 1: spaces that cannot function. I can't function less. I know

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Speaker 1: my children are okay, and we literally have the luxury

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Speaker 1: being able to pick up and just go and knowing

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Speaker 1: that my mom will They'll be fed, they'll be loved,

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Speaker 1: they'll be entertained, they'll be educated. I recently pulled Chira

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Speaker 1: out of a Monta Story school and my mom is

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Speaker 1: home school with him because literally I was just like

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Speaker 1: the only thing he was catching up in there was

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Speaker 1: a cold. Getting sick every life right now, every week

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Speaker 1: it's something else, it's something else. Then we get it,

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Speaker 1: and then we get it, and then when we're out,

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Speaker 1: God forbid, you know, our other half gets it. They're

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Speaker 1: the biggest babies, you know what I mean, what everything

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Speaker 1: just falls apart, So no, for sure. So the balancing

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Speaker 1: act and all that is very important. But at the

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Speaker 1: same time, you have to give ourselves grace. And I

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Speaker 1: had Melissa fed Fredericks on the episode an episode a couple,

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Speaker 1: um was last season. I forget that Fredericks were on,

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Speaker 1: but she talked about giving yourself grace and giving your

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Speaker 1: partner grace, just being able to grow. And we spoke

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Speaker 1: about it in the context of like allowing people to

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Speaker 1: grow within the confines of a relationship, because a lot

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Speaker 1: of times, you know, you don't want that same person

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Speaker 1: to be the same person five years from now, ten

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Speaker 1: years from now. There should be a continuous growth happening.

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Speaker 1: So how do we give grace to your partner but

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Speaker 1: also now giving grace to ourselves as moms and wives

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Speaker 1: and all of that. So I think that's super super important,

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Speaker 1: and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

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Speaker 1: He's dealing with that at least dealing with that at now. UM,

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Speaker 1: so let's talk about the relationship. You know, your significant others, Melani,

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Speaker 1: your fiance, code to your husband. Um, what are some

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Speaker 1: things that you did as a newlywed or Melanie early

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Speaker 1: in your relationship that you still do now that I

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Speaker 1: still do. Well, we know you drop it right, I do,

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Speaker 1: and you give him I got to keep these knees

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Speaker 1: oiled up, aright, he's got to stay oiled up. Or

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Speaker 1: is there anything that you don't do that you used

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Speaker 1: to do earlier? And maybe you get some complaints about

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Speaker 1: now from the Mr. I'll say this. My relationship is

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Speaker 1: interesting because, as I said, we met and married. We

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Speaker 1: met and got engaged in six months. We moved in.

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Speaker 1: After three we started working together probably one year in.

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Speaker 1: We got married. Just after that, still working together, and

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Speaker 1: we had our first child, I think a year and

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Speaker 1: a half after we got married. Like everything we've done

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Speaker 1: has been accelerated. I shouldn't tell you what I did

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Speaker 1: at the beginning, because I don't even know where the

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Speaker 1: beginning is almost like we're at a we're at a

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Speaker 1: new beginning right now. And so one of his biggest

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Speaker 1: complaints or one of you know, one of the things

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Speaker 1: that kids bring is like bifurcated attention, and so he

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Speaker 1: really asks a lot for my attention. And so I've

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Speaker 1: been thoughtful now about about date nights planned by me,

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Speaker 1: initiated by me, like that kind of thing that probably

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Speaker 1: in the beginning that was happening, but it wasn't as thoughtful, right,

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Speaker 1: it was just like what we did. So I couldn't

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Speaker 1: tell you the difference between seven years ago and now. Besides,

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Speaker 1: there's now three tiny humans. Well I mean so so

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Speaker 1: seen as there's not that much of a history, I

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Speaker 1: should say where you think things changed rapidly, it did

404
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Speaker 1: change rapidly. In five years. You've added you know, one

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Speaker 1: child and then a twin pregnancy and then twins, so

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Speaker 1: that's a whole lot and the whole business. There really

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Speaker 1: is like no level of normalcy I would say for

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Speaker 1: you guys right now. Never Well, I mean I'm interested

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Speaker 1: if I'll ever feel that like this is our normal,

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Speaker 1: you know, maybe that's where we are starting to get

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Speaker 1: right now because the twins are just over one, so

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Speaker 1: like there's a routine that's coming in. But this is

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Speaker 1: the closest we've been to normal in seven years. What

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Speaker 1: about you, Villain, anything different that you know, like you

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Speaker 1: know for sure once we're married, this is not gonna

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Speaker 1: happen still, or you know, things over the course of

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Speaker 1: your dating that you're like you used to do x

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Speaker 1: wy you don't. Um. You know what, I will say

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Speaker 1: that what's changed I think in our relationship is that

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Speaker 1: we've we've kind of become really like a unit, like

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Speaker 1: really like a unit. Like now we're really best friends.

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Speaker 1: Like we always loved each other, but we had our

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Speaker 1: individual lives and we did certain things and we still

424
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:31,720
Speaker 1: do that, but now it's become very UM united. So

425
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,159
Speaker 1: like it's like we do a lot of things together.

426
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,880
Speaker 1: Our social lives are very intertwined. Jared specifically being a guy,

427
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:39,960
Speaker 1: like he was just coming and going and do whatever

428
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,000
Speaker 1: he wanted to do, and I was like, here's what

429
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:49,000
Speaker 1: it is moving forward. You in here. Um. You know.

430
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:50,679
Speaker 1: One of the things that one of the things that

431
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:53,080
Speaker 1: I think we we we definitely had to change which

432
00:21:53,119 --> 00:21:56,080
Speaker 1: was different, was I'm a big communicator and he's kind

433
00:21:56,080 --> 00:22:00,080
Speaker 1: of like an independent spirit, and so my level of

434
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:04,120
Speaker 1: UM security comes from, Hey, if you're out of town

435
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,040
Speaker 1: or if you're traveling, you gotta check in with me.

436
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:07,600
Speaker 1: You gotta do this. So once we had our son,

437
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,520
Speaker 1: that was a big thing that had to change. It

438
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:11,280
Speaker 1: was like, look, it's not just you and me, this

439
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:12,879
Speaker 1: is not about your girl checking in on you. This

440
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,000
Speaker 1: is not about control, This is not about any of this.

441
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,719
Speaker 1: This is about being responsible for one another. And so

442
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,600
Speaker 1: we have, you know, being having a child before marriage,

443
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,760
Speaker 1: we had to make that commitment to each other already

444
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,200
Speaker 1: to be like all right, like it's not just about us,

445
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,080
Speaker 1: Like I'm not just checking on you to be like hey,

446
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,199
Speaker 1: where are you at? Like it's about how are you?

447
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,159
Speaker 1: How is our child? How are you doing? How are

448
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,760
Speaker 1: you feeling? And so you know, these are the things

449
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,960
Speaker 1: that I think have caused us to level up, even

450
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,280
Speaker 1: though they were you know, happening in a in a

451
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:42,679
Speaker 1: in a less traditional order. But um, but you know

452
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,399
Speaker 1: it works for us, and the kind of thing that

453
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:48,800
Speaker 1: forces you together or forces you to apart when you

454
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,440
Speaker 1: apply that pressure. Yeah, did you get any push back

455
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:53,040
Speaker 1: from Jarring at the point, like you know, when you're

456
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,440
Speaker 1: just like you're an have to check in a little

457
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,800
Speaker 1: bit or like in the beginning, Yeah, it was hard

458
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,760
Speaker 1: I think for him, said, to to make that adjustment,

459
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,600
Speaker 1: because also I think for women, like when we have children,

460
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:05,000
Speaker 1: it's an instant change for us. Our bodies change, our hormones,

461
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,000
Speaker 1: change our psychological every we view the world differently. Men

462
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,800
Speaker 1: they just be rolling till that baby gets here like

463
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,880
Speaker 1: the after, and they still roll after. So I definitely

464
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,840
Speaker 1: think it had to be a mental shift for him

465
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,080
Speaker 1: to be like, oh, right, like things are different. I

466
00:23:20,119 --> 00:23:21,960
Speaker 1: do have to act differently. I do have to change

467
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,760
Speaker 1: the way I do things. And it doesn't mean I'm

468
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:26,480
Speaker 1: compromising myself. It means I'm evolving. And I think that

469
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:30,159
Speaker 1: that's kind of been our dynamic in general. He's forced

470
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,040
Speaker 1: me to calm down my crazy and I forced him

471
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:36,679
Speaker 1: to evolve on a spiritual and like just general like

472
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,320
Speaker 1: consideration level, right right, right, Which is funny because Devo

473
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:43,560
Speaker 1: and I think about it, October will make eighteen years together. Girl,

474
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,800
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, eighteen years. Give me a round of

475
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:52,440
Speaker 1: a pause, Browns. So eighteen years and we started dating

476
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:56,320
Speaker 1: as babies, like we're eighteen. I'm thinking about eighteen year

477
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,359
Speaker 1: old Cadine. I'm thinking about twenty one year old Cadine,

478
00:23:58,359 --> 00:24:01,520
Speaker 1: twenty five year old. Here, I am thirty something years old,

479
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:06,240
Speaker 1: and I am seriously like, how do we get here?

480
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,240
Speaker 1: And you know, so many things, of course have changed

481
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:10,719
Speaker 1: for us. There's a lot of things that I did

482
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,439
Speaker 1: at the time and don't do anymore. One thing I know,

483
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,840
Speaker 1: for sure that. You know, we constantly struggle because we

484
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,000
Speaker 1: always talk about like sex and relationships on this show.

485
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,520
Speaker 1: Is like things that I used to like before. Positions

486
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,120
Speaker 1: I used to like before. That's like now a red

487
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,760
Speaker 1: light for me, Like we talked about sex sometimes when

488
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,199
Speaker 1: it's like okay, so here's the red light, here's a

489
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:32,480
Speaker 1: yellow light, proceed with caution. There's a stop side that's

490
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,360
Speaker 1: a green light. So that's like a little funny thing

491
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:38,200
Speaker 1: for us that like things sexually I used to like before.

492
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:39,880
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's just like after having kids,

493
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,320
Speaker 1: your body changes. Of course, home only things are different.

494
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:46,240
Speaker 1: But I'm just like, so, um, yeah, I used to

495
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:50,840
Speaker 1: like my legs there, but now they just don't quite

496
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:56,360
Speaker 1: go there. Yeah. Kind of working out. No, no, I'm

497
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:58,600
Speaker 1: not working out. No, I'm not a stretching you know.

498
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,520
Speaker 1: I was about to start Trap your Go and all

499
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,480
Speaker 1: sorts of stuff to start to see if I could

500
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,760
Speaker 1: get my life together and get some things back. You know,

501
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,080
Speaker 1: sometimes you want that old thing back. Um, But it's

502
00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:09,480
Speaker 1: that's just like a little funny thing for us. But naturally,

503
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,159
Speaker 1: over the course of eighteen years, I would hope that

504
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,240
Speaker 1: we wouldn't be the same person and that things were

505
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,920
Speaker 1: just you know, eventually growing stuff over time. Cardy, you

506
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:18,680
Speaker 1: said you make it a point to do date nights now.

507
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,719
Speaker 1: Is there something that you used to love? Is date

508
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,840
Speaker 1: night that you don't have anymore? Anything that you you're

509
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:24,919
Speaker 1: excited to do? Because for me, a date night now

510
00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 1: is like kick back. So that's the thing. Our ideas

511
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:34,239
Speaker 1: of date nights are different to mine is like I

512
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,800
Speaker 1: just want to watch TV on the couch or want

513
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:38,800
Speaker 1: you to cook. And granted he's a great chef, like

514
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,399
Speaker 1: that's part of where I married him. He does the

515
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,199
Speaker 1: cooking in our house. But with three kids and a business,

516
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,280
Speaker 1: even for him, that's not like every day you know.

517
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,520
Speaker 1: So so our idea of date nights are different my

518
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,640
Speaker 1: What he needs from me is to initiate and plan

519
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:53,640
Speaker 1: right and for it not to just be like we're

520
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:57,399
Speaker 1: going to dinner. So this year I actually have been

521
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 1: making an effort. I made a list for myself. He

522
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,240
Speaker 1: will never her listened to this, by the way, because

523
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,880
Speaker 1: he just don't social you don't. I've made a list

524
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:08,320
Speaker 1: for myself of like twelve things, twelve interesting things that

525
00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:10,640
Speaker 1: we can do. So once a month I could plan

526
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:13,399
Speaker 1: a date which a year ago, like that kind of

527
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,040
Speaker 1: thing gave me a panic attack. It's like, I can't

528
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:16,720
Speaker 1: think of anything that you want to do. But I

529
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,840
Speaker 1: had the smart idea to make the list in advance.

530
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:21,520
Speaker 1: I love that, and so I put a date in

531
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:23,760
Speaker 1: our calendar already through the end of the year. That's

532
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:25,800
Speaker 1: our date night. Did you sink the calendars together? Because

533
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:29,119
Speaker 1: I had to, literally because I still don't look at

534
00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:33,679
Speaker 1: the calendar. N Broka. So yes, So we've done. What

535
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:35,360
Speaker 1: have we done so far? We did an escape room

536
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,040
Speaker 1: fun and we did Oh my god, I can't even

537
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:39,399
Speaker 1: remember the things we've done. I just tell you the

538
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:42,119
Speaker 1: things that I have a miniuture golf on our list. Okay,

539
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:48,120
Speaker 1: am I still climbing climbing which we actually did when

540
00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:50,719
Speaker 1: we first started dating, and it was indoor and I

541
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:55,040
Speaker 1: was crying because it was scary. But hey, I'm ready,

542
00:26:55,040 --> 00:27:01,159
Speaker 1: I'm ready, I'm out. So yeah, out climbing. Oh, I know.

543
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,439
Speaker 1: We went to We went to a movie, which, like

544
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,240
Speaker 1: we don't do as much because we got kids, two

545
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,639
Speaker 1: or three hours in a movie, I'm still a huge

546
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:12,040
Speaker 1: sacrifice for me tonight. So we actually saw a marriage

547
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:13,639
Speaker 1: Story which is on Netflix. We saw it in a

548
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,439
Speaker 1: theater which was really nice. So things like that, just

549
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:18,959
Speaker 1: trying to like take the time and consider what he

550
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:21,960
Speaker 1: wants to do in advance. Gotcha, Melanie. You mentioned friendship,

551
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,920
Speaker 1: like you guys were always best friends, but now you've

552
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,560
Speaker 1: like become a unit. Um, So how do you continue

553
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:29,440
Speaker 1: to foster that friendship now that you are about to

554
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:33,919
Speaker 1: get married? Um? Any changes that happened over the years.

555
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:37,280
Speaker 1: Therapy straight up together or together? But I mean I

556
00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:39,200
Speaker 1: got there. I've been seeing a therapist for years just

557
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,200
Speaker 1: because that's a part of my whole routine, my wellness routine.

558
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:44,639
Speaker 1: But yeah, we recently started going to marriage therapy or

559
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:46,960
Speaker 1: a couple of therapy, and that was something that was

560
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,080
Speaker 1: really important to me for us to do because I

561
00:27:50,119 --> 00:27:56,000
Speaker 1: feel like as we approach this union officially, spiritually, um

562
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,639
Speaker 1: and legally, you know, I think it's really important to

563
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:01,440
Speaker 1: put it all that on the table. And I think

564
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:04,199
Speaker 1: that along the way it's easy to carry things, you know,

565
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 1: whether they build resentment or not, or whether they're your

566
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,520
Speaker 1: own things you're just like, oh, it's fine. I really

567
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:12,240
Speaker 1: think it's important to have that space and conversation and

568
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,680
Speaker 1: dialogue to be like, hey, these are all the things

569
00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:16,080
Speaker 1: I love, These are all the things I'm a little

570
00:28:16,119 --> 00:28:17,960
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with. These are the things I'm thinking about, what

571
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,959
Speaker 1: does commitment look like to you in the future. And

572
00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:25,040
Speaker 1: it's been really helpful because I'm a communicator and I

573
00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:27,320
Speaker 1: go deep. I'm in the emotions at all times, whereas

574
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:30,639
Speaker 1: Jared is he's a feeler, but he's not as expressive

575
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:32,639
Speaker 1: as I am. And so it's been really good for

576
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:35,840
Speaker 1: us to be able to speak with someone there to

577
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:37,920
Speaker 1: kind of like guide us and hear each other from

578
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,400
Speaker 1: a different way, and to also learn things about each

579
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:41,880
Speaker 1: other that we didn't really know. So that's really been

580
00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:44,760
Speaker 1: building our friendship too, because you know, as difficult as

581
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:47,400
Speaker 1: it might get to approach some things in therapy, when

582
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:50,440
Speaker 1: we leave, we're hugging, we're kissing. It's like we did

583
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:53,040
Speaker 1: something good for each other today. You know, this is

584
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:55,480
Speaker 1: a sign. I'm gonna tell you this is a sign.

585
00:28:55,880 --> 00:29:00,720
Speaker 1: Because literally to Valini yesterday, like going through the motions

586
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:02,640
Speaker 1: with like something we've been arguing about for a while,

587
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:06,240
Speaker 1: and um I mentioned, I'm like, I think we should

588
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:07,959
Speaker 1: just go to therapy because we feel like we were

589
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,920
Speaker 1: great communicators in ourselves. Like I'm very communicative, he he is,

590
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,240
Speaker 1: He's always been kind of like you, and then I

591
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 1: think I'm Jerry, Like I was feeling things out but

592
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:18,400
Speaker 1: didn't really know how to express myself. But over the

593
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:20,400
Speaker 1: course of eighteen years, I've definitely opened up to the

594
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:22,200
Speaker 1: point where he's sometimes like, won't you shut the flat up?

595
00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:26,440
Speaker 1: Get a word in edgewise. But we had even said, like,

596
00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:29,040
Speaker 1: there's certain things that fester within our relationship that we

597
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:32,920
Speaker 1: feel like at this point, since we're looking to renew

598
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:35,560
Speaker 1: for another ten years, he's kind of feeling like this

599
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:38,000
Speaker 1: is mirroring ten years ago where we were having these

600
00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:40,440
Speaker 1: kind of battles that we just said, oh whatever, we'll

601
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,080
Speaker 1: get married and we'll figure it out later, Whereas right

602
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:45,600
Speaker 1: now we're like, maybe we should see therapy before this

603
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:50,600
Speaker 1: of our renewal to correct those things. For we do

604
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,160
Speaker 1: this because of our renewal. Yes, it's gonna be great,

605
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:54,840
Speaker 1: it's gonna be fun. It's a family vacation, like we're

606
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:57,240
Speaker 1: planning something. But why go through all the bells and

607
00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:01,320
Speaker 1: whistles if that core unit is not in sync? And

608
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,240
Speaker 1: I feel like more recently we've had moments where we

609
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:06,320
Speaker 1: haven't been And at first I was chalking it up too. Okay,

610
00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:09,400
Speaker 1: he was filming he was away, I moved across country

611
00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:11,600
Speaker 1: with the kids. We're still trying to figure out like

612
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:13,480
Speaker 1: where we are in our space in l A. We're

613
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:16,960
Speaker 1: still trying to do all that amidst work. Um, but

614
00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:21,360
Speaker 1: we've been off balance, and UM, I guess with my relationship,

615
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,360
Speaker 1: I feel like other things can fall off the scale,

616
00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:25,840
Speaker 1: but I can't let that fall off the scale. So

617
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,720
Speaker 1: I feel like you talking and just saying bluntly, therapy.

618
00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:32,040
Speaker 1: It's like a co sign because it's literally happened yesterday.

619
00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:35,320
Speaker 1: I think everybody needs therapy in general, like period, like

620
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 1: individually to get like I think everyone should be in

621
00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:41,000
Speaker 1: therapy the most sound. I consider myself a pretty well

622
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:44,080
Speaker 1: rounded sound person, but I still love my therapy sessions

623
00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:46,680
Speaker 1: just because there's always work to be done. There is,

624
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:48,400
Speaker 1: and we learned that in our lives and general as

625
00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,240
Speaker 1: human beings, in our professions, there's always work to be done.

626
00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:53,800
Speaker 1: But what kind of work are you doing? And the

627
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:56,960
Speaker 1: work that betters you as a human being in this

628
00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:00,640
Speaker 1: planet with your partner together is better ways and then

629
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:03,040
Speaker 1: for your children, and so that's something that I know

630
00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:05,040
Speaker 1: that that was really important. So yes, you have my

631
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:08,600
Speaker 1: vote support one thousand percent therapy doesn't mean that everything's

632
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 1: sucked up and we're wrong and we're broken. It means

633
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:12,760
Speaker 1: that we're just always trying to be better, for sure.

634
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:15,920
Speaker 1: And there's also blind spots, right, like everyone can be better,

635
00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:18,000
Speaker 1: but there's also like even the most self aware of person,

636
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:19,440
Speaker 1: it is like, oh, I didn't even realize that that

637
00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:21,920
Speaker 1: came off that way exactly right, Like, and you know,

638
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:27,640
Speaker 1: we have interviewed hundred and fifty plus complace like therapy

639
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:31,000
Speaker 1: is a is a reoccurring theme and it's necessary. We've

640
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:33,600
Speaker 1: been to therapy. I regret that we haven't done it

641
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:35,960
Speaker 1: as consistently as we should. There's always like, oh, we

642
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 1: couldn't do that day because this meeting, you know what

643
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:40,120
Speaker 1: I mean, Like we need to be more consistent about it.

644
00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:42,520
Speaker 1: But like I agree completely with Melan, so allowing that

645
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,720
Speaker 1: to kind of take precedence, like being a priority priorities

646
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 1: for everything. I mean. Jared is in the height right

647
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,480
Speaker 1: now of you know, he's he's a music manager. He

648
00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:53,520
Speaker 1: manages several clients as well as like producers, artist songwriters,

649
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,120
Speaker 1: and that's a very demanding schedule when you work for

650
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,880
Speaker 1: that many clients. So they all have different needs, but

651
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,880
Speaker 1: we have our times and I know there's mornings when

652
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:04,320
Speaker 1: I look at him and he's head head down in

653
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:06,479
Speaker 1: his phone from the moment he wakes up. But he

654
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:09,000
Speaker 1: knows come that ten am eleven am slot that we

655
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,720
Speaker 1: have at that day, he knows, like he he won't

656
00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:14,440
Speaker 1: even if he knows that he really would want to

657
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:17,080
Speaker 1: miss it, he doesn't. And it means so much to me.

658
00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:19,400
Speaker 1: It means so much that he just won't even suggest like,

659
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:21,360
Speaker 1: could I miss it today? Yeah, that's good, because I'm

660
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 1: gonna ask you if it took a while to get

661
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,360
Speaker 1: him like on board with it or was he you know,

662
00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,440
Speaker 1: I was really thankful because even if he was resistant

663
00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:30,080
Speaker 1: to some of the things that I would say if

664
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:32,040
Speaker 1: I had complaints or if I had any concerns about

665
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:34,560
Speaker 1: our relationship. When I was like where, I was like,

666
00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:36,479
Speaker 1: we should really go to therapy, and he was like okay,

667
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:39,240
Speaker 1: and I was like, thank you, you know, because half

668
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 1: the battle is convincing somebody on the other side who

669
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,880
Speaker 1: doesn't see the benefit. But I think and even when

670
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: we're in there sometimes he's kind of like, I'm really

671
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:50,720
Speaker 1: just here for her, and I'm like, na, you know,

672
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:53,959
Speaker 1: So it's really important that you know that you can

673
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:55,600
Speaker 1: be on the same page going into it, and I

674
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,360
Speaker 1: find that even if you're not, just getting there allows

675
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,600
Speaker 1: everyone to kind of see, oh this this actually could

676
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:03,560
Speaker 1: be really good for me for sure. I mean Deval

677
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:05,320
Speaker 1: and I have been married, like I said, almost ten years,

678
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,600
Speaker 1: and he actually started to see a therapist unbeknownst to me.

679
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:12,160
Speaker 1: Didn't tell me in secret, girl in secret, but had

680
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 1: his sessions where he was like, oh, I'm going to

681
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:15,200
Speaker 1: the gym and it's just business as usual, He's going

682
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,280
Speaker 1: to work, and I guess he was finding that hour

683
00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:19,760
Speaker 1: or two out the day and he was seeing a therapist.

684
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:23,080
Speaker 1: And I totally took that as like a slap in

685
00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:26,760
Speaker 1: the face at first, because I felt like you deceived

686
00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:28,240
Speaker 1: me a you were telling me you were somewhere that

687
00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:32,040
Speaker 1: you were in And secondly, well, what did I do

688
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 1: that force you to have to go to therapy? You know?

689
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:36,800
Speaker 1: And I was like, I thought we had a handle on,

690
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,040
Speaker 1: like our emotions and were vocal and we speak about

691
00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:42,560
Speaker 1: things and in real time, we don't allow things to fester.

692
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:45,440
Speaker 1: And then he had to explain to me that that

693
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:47,960
Speaker 1: therapy session that he was going to the succession of

694
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:51,800
Speaker 1: them was for him had a secret. I guess he

695
00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:53,560
Speaker 1: didn't want to alarm me. I guess the way I

696
00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:56,840
Speaker 1: responded was kind of like, oh, well, now it's my

697
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:58,760
Speaker 1: fault and everything that we've been doing is my fault.

698
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:01,040
Speaker 1: And he was trying to hared me from that until

699
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:04,080
Speaker 1: he found the right space to be able to tell me. Um.

700
00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:06,000
Speaker 1: And it was just in conversation one night that he

701
00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:07,840
Speaker 1: was like, I need to tell you this because he's

702
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:10,640
Speaker 1: not good with keeping secrets are lying, he's just bad

703
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:12,919
Speaker 1: at it. So um. So yeah, and at that point

704
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:14,560
Speaker 1: I said, okay, it was something you needed for you

705
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:17,120
Speaker 1: and then that that that took me off of the whole, like,

706
00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:19,400
Speaker 1: oh what was me? Like, I'm the one that forced

707
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:22,000
Speaker 1: him there? Um. But then yeah, just recently I said, well,

708
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:23,759
Speaker 1: you know in our argument day, I was like, well,

709
00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:26,560
Speaker 1: you thought therapy therapy helped you to figure sut some

710
00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:27,879
Speaker 1: things out on your own and then you were able

711
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:29,719
Speaker 1: to apply that to your life. Do you think that

712
00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:32,479
Speaker 1: we should do that together? Because you mentioned pre cup

713
00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:36,719
Speaker 1: pre married marriage therapy. My uncle married us UM ten

714
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:38,799
Speaker 1: years ago, which was a special moment because you know

715
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,840
Speaker 1: he's my uncle naturally, UM. He's an inventist seventy eventis

716
00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:44,520
Speaker 1: pastor and whatnot, and he did mention that we should

717
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:47,080
Speaker 1: go to a couple of sessions with him pre wedding,

718
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:52,239
Speaker 1: but it was kind of weird. I guess it was

719
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:54,799
Speaker 1: just kind of an uncomfortable thing, so we kind of

720
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:57,840
Speaker 1: dodged him on that. But in retrospect, I'm thinking that

721
00:34:57,960 --> 00:34:59,680
Speaker 1: probably would have been a good movie even if it

722
00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:02,640
Speaker 1: wasn't him. But just to speak to someone because now

723
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,200
Speaker 1: I kind of want to shift into the gears of Um,

724
00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:07,280
Speaker 1: you know, what you would say to your pre married self,

725
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:11,600
Speaker 1: or to your pre engage yourself or your pre mother self. Um,

726
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,960
Speaker 1: is there anything that you would have wish you knew

727
00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:17,520
Speaker 1: prior to making the commitment or deciding to say yes,

728
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:19,600
Speaker 1: anything that you wish you knew beforehand, or just in

729
00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:22,719
Speaker 1: being a committed relationship that you are saying now, Damn,

730
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,920
Speaker 1: I wish I knew. Wish we had gone to premarital counseling.

731
00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:31,400
Speaker 1: We talked about it, and we just and I am

732
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:33,759
Speaker 1: very much a therapy person, but I would say we

733
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:37,560
Speaker 1: we just genuinely had all these reasons and excuses not

734
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:40,279
Speaker 1: to you know, the things that we were doing in

735
00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:43,319
Speaker 1: time commitments and blah blah blah. But I think it

736
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:46,000
Speaker 1: would have resolved a lot of that we talked about now,

737
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:48,839
Speaker 1: because he's very like, I told you who I was

738
00:35:48,920 --> 00:35:52,000
Speaker 1: from day one, and I'm like, yeah, but nobody you

739
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:58,160
Speaker 1: know you did? You know who you right? Right? And

740
00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:01,319
Speaker 1: so just talking some of those things out in that

741
00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:04,319
Speaker 1: stage of life would have been really valuable as because

742
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:06,160
Speaker 1: we had kids really fast, we had three of them

743
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:12,800
Speaker 1: really fast. So just having a greater connection beforehand. I wonder, Melanie,

744
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:16,319
Speaker 1: if you can relate to this. Being from the West

745
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:19,880
Speaker 1: Indian background, they don't really I want to say, my

746
00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,880
Speaker 1: family talk about stuff, talk about And it's interesting to

747
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:26,480
Speaker 1: say that you're an advocate for therapy because therapy, God

748
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,560
Speaker 1: forbid you talk about your business outside a watch of business.

749
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,920
Speaker 1: Don't bring up the D depression, don't bring up the

750
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:34,360
Speaker 1: don't bring up feelings, don't bring upout what uncle so

751
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:39,040
Speaker 1: and so did. So. Yeah, it is uh, it's it's

752
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:42,520
Speaker 1: awful to think about it, the way they encourage you

753
00:36:42,719 --> 00:36:45,359
Speaker 1: and almost force you to kind of stay quiet all

754
00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:48,520
Speaker 1: the time. And um, seeing as therapy now, I think

755
00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:50,920
Speaker 1: it's amazing because I feel like we're in this generation

756
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:55,200
Speaker 1: now that's breaking all of those generational cycles. Yes, for sure,

757
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,560
Speaker 1: and and trying to be healthy, more productive people for

758
00:36:57,600 --> 00:37:01,280
Speaker 1: our children. So pre married could mean wasn't really getting

759
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:04,560
Speaker 1: the sound advice that I guess I was expecting to

760
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:06,960
Speaker 1: hear from my elders, you know what I mean. And

761
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:09,799
Speaker 1: even if it wasn't my mother per se, because again

762
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:11,960
Speaker 1: she was just very like, Okay, everything keeps quiet and

763
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:14,320
Speaker 1: you just deal with your problems internally. But there was

764
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:16,319
Speaker 1: really no one just like kind of saying, well, when

765
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:18,640
Speaker 1: you get married, you should expect X Y Z. And

766
00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:20,719
Speaker 1: I think part of me necessarily wasn't looking for that,

767
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:24,239
Speaker 1: because I feel like sometimes people within their experiences tend

768
00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:26,920
Speaker 1: to be jaded in their own right, and you know,

769
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:28,680
Speaker 1: you kind of take what you want from them and

770
00:37:28,719 --> 00:37:30,399
Speaker 1: you leave the rest and stuff. So did you ever

771
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:32,720
Speaker 1: have that or anyone going into with you being married

772
00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:36,319
Speaker 1: now or approaching marriage saying like lutch out for this

773
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:39,000
Speaker 1: or don't do that, or any caution signs that they're

774
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:41,399
Speaker 1: throwing your way. One thing that my mom always used

775
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,920
Speaker 1: to say was come see me and come live with

776
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:48,280
Speaker 1: me at two different things. And so Jared and I

777
00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:53,840
Speaker 1: lived separately until I was pregnant, and that actually happened

778
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,799
Speaker 1: not just by like choice, but also by circumstance. He

779
00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:58,760
Speaker 1: was working out of state. We were living in different

780
00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:00,520
Speaker 1: states right before I got pregnan, we were doing long

781
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:03,040
Speaker 1: distance um when we were dating. When we were in

782
00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:05,279
Speaker 1: New York, he still had his place, I still had mine,

783
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:08,520
Speaker 1: even though we were spending literally every day together, and

784
00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,920
Speaker 1: so you know, when he made the decision to come

785
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:13,440
Speaker 1: and be with us, it was like, oh, okay, so

786
00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:16,200
Speaker 1: now I understand. Now I'm pregnant. Now here you come.

787
00:38:16,239 --> 00:38:18,359
Speaker 1: We're living together, and now we're forced to we're being

788
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,640
Speaker 1: a family. Now we're being husband and wife living in

789
00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:23,240
Speaker 1: under the same roof learning to live with one another.

790
00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:26,279
Speaker 1: And yeah, it was definitely I heard my mother's come

791
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,200
Speaker 1: see me and come live at me are two different things.

792
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:32,160
Speaker 1: And so finding the you know, that routine was good.

793
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:34,120
Speaker 1: But I am very thankful that we had that separate

794
00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:36,880
Speaker 1: time for ourselves while we were dating and still falling

795
00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:41,160
Speaker 1: in love and in a committed relationship. Um. But yeah,

796
00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:44,800
Speaker 1: I mean just getting pregnant. So soon after we started

797
00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:48,120
Speaker 1: living together, Oh the anxiety I had to go tell

798
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:51,840
Speaker 1: my family, I mean, just the ANSI and I'm a

799
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:55,080
Speaker 1: grown ass woman, I has a grown assid married woman,

800
00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:57,799
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'm going to tell my mother Elizabeth

801
00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:04,000
Speaker 1: that I used the nightgown was successful, and it's like, oh,

802
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:06,200
Speaker 1: make her feel good or bad? I don't know, but

803
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:12,319
Speaker 1: I can say I had the anxiety of some of

804
00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:16,440
Speaker 1: the worst anxiety of going home and telling him, feeling like, oh,

805
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:18,520
Speaker 1: my gosh, I gotta tell my parents like we're not

806
00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:22,600
Speaker 1: even engaged, like we're just in this realm of being

807
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:26,640
Speaker 1: seriously together, and here comes this baby. And I just

808
00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:29,560
Speaker 1: remember going home and I brought these little shoes that

809
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:31,520
Speaker 1: I had and I put them on the counter and

810
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:34,480
Speaker 1: my mom just looked at me and she was just like, well,

811
00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:36,880
Speaker 1: if you're having a baby, have a baby. And I

812
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:40,080
Speaker 1: was so relieved because I was coming off of the

813
00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:42,160
Speaker 1: judgment that I thought I was going to be not married.

814
00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 1: You guys just got together. What's happening. He's shifting careers,

815
00:39:45,239 --> 00:39:48,160
Speaker 1: what about your career? All these things? And I was

816
00:39:48,239 --> 00:39:51,080
Speaker 1: so grateful that my family, even if they did feel it,

817
00:39:51,200 --> 00:39:54,160
Speaker 1: they didn't share it. That's sweet. And so I will

818
00:39:54,239 --> 00:39:59,480
Speaker 1: say that going into it, I wish, especially into motherhood,

819
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:03,160
Speaker 1: I wish that I hadn't held on to the anxiety

820
00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:05,480
Speaker 1: and the fear of judgment from the beginning, because I

821
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:07,080
Speaker 1: feel like I would have been free or to enjoy

822
00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:12,839
Speaker 1: that time without the anxiety and the worry. Yeah, yeah, girl, hug.

823
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:16,239
Speaker 1: But we haven't no more babies till we say I do,

824
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:24,719
Speaker 1: which is very soon. Yeah, having a baby shower real quick.

825
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,360
Speaker 1: Let me let you know, Cody, you've been doing the

826
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:29,720
Speaker 1: Black Love Doc for how long now? Oh my gosh,

827
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:35,839
Speaker 1: since we've been shooting it since wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

828
00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:38,560
Speaker 1: that's a minute. Yes, You've had some great, great couples

829
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:41,960
Speaker 1: on their celebrity non celebrity couples everyday people. Are there

830
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:45,759
Speaker 1: any recurring seems like problem wise that you see these

831
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 1: married couples have had, whether they've been married a short

832
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:49,600
Speaker 1: amount of time or a long amount of time, or

833
00:40:49,600 --> 00:40:52,239
Speaker 1: if they're old, if they're young. Well, I'll say this.

834
00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:55,239
Speaker 1: One of the things that I've observed is that when

835
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:58,920
Speaker 1: we started doing this, we were engaged, then we were pregnant,

836
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:02,759
Speaker 1: then we were parents. We got married in there somewhere, um,

837
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:05,480
Speaker 1: then we were parents, then we were pregnant again, and

838
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:09,440
Speaker 1: then we were parents to three And so our um

839
00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:15,440
Speaker 1: our relationship issues have like sort of mirrored the the

840
00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:18,080
Speaker 1: the interviews because we are experiencing things and then we're

841
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:20,960
Speaker 1: asking questions about that, right, And so some of the

842
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:24,200
Speaker 1: themes that I've seen that that I have affected me

843
00:41:24,239 --> 00:41:26,080
Speaker 1: or at least stand out to me. You know, last

844
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:28,919
Speaker 1: year we talked a lot about vulnerability, especially in men,

845
00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:32,759
Speaker 1: and how that can be a struggle to communicate between

846
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:35,560
Speaker 1: a man and a woman UM and what manhood means

847
00:41:35,600 --> 00:41:39,720
Speaker 1: and what it looks like. UM. Communication issues in terms

848
00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:42,239
Speaker 1: of you know where you're from and who your people are,

849
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:44,480
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, like culturally how you were

850
00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:49,279
Speaker 1: raised UM. And therapy is another reoccurring theme. I mean,

851
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:51,840
Speaker 1: it's one of those things that pops up a lot

852
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:55,880
Speaker 1: in in our conversations. So no matter tab along, right,

853
00:41:55,960 --> 00:41:59,560
Speaker 1: no matter how long people have been married, it's not taboo, right.

854
00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:03,359
Speaker 1: It's kind of the dirty secret right there. Get you

855
00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:04,920
Speaker 1: some therapy or it's not gonna work. You know what.

856
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:09,480
Speaker 1: I realized that almost like, Okay, I guess we need

857
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:12,080
Speaker 1: to go see somebody now. No, for sure, do you

858
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:14,560
Speaker 1: guys feel a responsibility at all? Because we talked about

859
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:17,480
Speaker 1: vulnerability and stuff with our partners, do you feel any

860
00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:22,399
Speaker 1: kind of UM responsibility to support and care for your

861
00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:26,640
Speaker 1: significant other's emotions? And I say that because you think

862
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:30,800
Speaker 1: about marrying somebody or being with somebody, and that responsibility

863
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:33,160
Speaker 1: to to have this happiness that you're supposed to make

864
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:36,160
Speaker 1: each other happy. And do you take that responsibility on

865
00:42:36,239 --> 00:42:38,719
Speaker 1: yourself or do you kind of differ or how do

866
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:41,560
Speaker 1: you work through something like that? I do UM to

867
00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:44,120
Speaker 1: an extent because I feel like your your own happiness

868
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:47,160
Speaker 1: is your own responsibility as a person, as a human

869
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:52,280
Speaker 1: being existing in a relationship. One thousand percent. I believe

870
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:55,600
Speaker 1: that you are responsible for your your partners um wellness,

871
00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:58,440
Speaker 1: their happiness and how they feel. And so I remember

872
00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:01,160
Speaker 1: my brother and his wife. I mean, they're just my

873
00:43:01,239 --> 00:43:04,480
Speaker 1: favorite couple that I know. Um. They've been married now

874
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:07,080
Speaker 1: for over twenty years. They have three daughters, and my

875
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:13,240
Speaker 1: brother in Toronto, Toronto, and and it's been really beautiful

876
00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:15,960
Speaker 1: to see because they have gone through major shifts as

877
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:20,840
Speaker 1: individuals recently, which is really beautiful. But my brother being um,

878
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:23,279
Speaker 1: one of the best men that I've known my whole life,

879
00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:25,719
Speaker 1: He's just been such a prime example for me of

880
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:28,239
Speaker 1: like what I should have expected from a man, you know,

881
00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:31,799
Speaker 1: very very different from my father, right, very different from

882
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:35,560
Speaker 1: my father, UM, And and you know, I respected him

883
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:37,759
Speaker 1: so much. And I remember one time him and his

884
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:40,719
Speaker 1: wife were going through like a thing, and he said

885
00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:44,839
Speaker 1: to me, it doesn't matter if I think I'm right

886
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:47,879
Speaker 1: or if I'm wrong. He says, what matters is how

887
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:51,600
Speaker 1: she feels. And when he said that, he's like, I

888
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:56,919
Speaker 1: will do whatever it takes till she feels better. And

889
00:43:57,160 --> 00:43:59,799
Speaker 1: I was like, whoa, this is a level of com

890
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:03,560
Speaker 1: it meant that is so admirable. And so when I

891
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:06,000
Speaker 1: think about partnership, and when I think about it, it's

892
00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:09,399
Speaker 1: not about conceding. It's like, it's not about losing, it's

893
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:12,160
Speaker 1: not about being right, it's about being well, and it's

894
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:15,319
Speaker 1: about having your partner. It's like, Okay, what can I

895
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:18,040
Speaker 1: do to help you? What can I do? Okay, I

896
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:20,959
Speaker 1: don't necessarily agree, but let me get to a place

897
00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,000
Speaker 1: where we feel where I can help you feel good

898
00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:26,800
Speaker 1: at least acknowledged, at least heard, at least seen, um,

899
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:30,240
Speaker 1: you know, and even if you don't quite get it yourself.

900
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:33,320
Speaker 1: So I think that, yeah, I think it is a responsibility.

901
00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:37,640
Speaker 1: I think that it is important that if I'm feeling

902
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:41,320
Speaker 1: a certain way, like so, for example, if if I say, Jared,

903
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:43,160
Speaker 1: when you did that, it hurt my feelings, He's just like, yeah,

904
00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:44,840
Speaker 1: but I didn't mean to hurt your feelings? Yeah, it

905
00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:49,560
Speaker 1: you did? You know? His response ideally would be, oh, well,

906
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:52,279
Speaker 1: how can I help make your feelings feel better? I

907
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:54,240
Speaker 1: can either correct that next time, or I can acknowledge

908
00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:56,120
Speaker 1: that I did hurt your feelings. You know. So I

909
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:59,080
Speaker 1: think it's it's really important. I think you are responsible

910
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:00,799
Speaker 1: for your p want to do you want to be

911
00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:05,320
Speaker 1: our therapist? Yes? Please don't call me this thing and

912
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:09,640
Speaker 1: there's nothing. Yes, I literally feel like this was like

913
00:45:09,680 --> 00:45:11,680
Speaker 1: you know how they always say it's divine, it's been

914
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:14,759
Speaker 1: ordered like this literally is like speaking to me so

915
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:18,839
Speaker 1: much today just say anytime I'm around her, That's how

916
00:45:18,920 --> 00:45:21,600
Speaker 1: I feel like whenever she speaks. I want to write

917
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:25,880
Speaker 1: that ship down, like for real, like you for a

918
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:28,680
Speaker 1: gift in every way, and I'm grateful every time you

919
00:45:28,719 --> 00:45:34,920
Speaker 1: open your mouth. It's just very very passionate about about

920
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:38,200
Speaker 1: about people being well. And I think it's important, especially

921
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:40,440
Speaker 1: when you make the decision to go through life with someone.

922
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:43,319
Speaker 1: You know, it's a real deal if you're lucky enough

923
00:45:43,360 --> 00:45:46,040
Speaker 1: to find that person that you say, I choose you,

924
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:49,359
Speaker 1: I'm with you. You know, It's like how I want

925
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:51,319
Speaker 1: to do this till the end and I want to

926
00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:53,799
Speaker 1: be the best that I can get all the way in,

927
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:56,000
Speaker 1: you know, and like when you say those things, like

928
00:45:56,040 --> 00:45:58,640
Speaker 1: I think about these vows. My father, my father has

929
00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:02,360
Speaker 1: Parkinson's end. My parents have been together now for forty

930
00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:05,440
Speaker 1: five years. And I one night saw when I was

931
00:46:05,480 --> 00:46:07,800
Speaker 1: in Trinidad visiting. We I was actually performing at the

932
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:10,520
Speaker 1: Tobago Jazz Festival, and we went and we stayed at

933
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:12,480
Speaker 1: a family's villa and we were crashing. I was crashing

934
00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:14,120
Speaker 1: with my parents. I felt like a teenager again. It

935
00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:15,960
Speaker 1: was amazing. But in the middle of the night, my

936
00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:18,960
Speaker 1: dad caught a cramp from his parkinson symptoms and my

937
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:21,920
Speaker 1: mom was up massaging his leg and da da da,

938
00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:24,279
Speaker 1: da day and I know all the eyes and lows

939
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:26,600
Speaker 1: of what my parents had been through. And I watched

940
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:29,720
Speaker 1: my mom be there with my father as he's writhing

941
00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:31,720
Speaker 1: in pain, and he's like there and I'm like, this

942
00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:36,000
Speaker 1: is it. This is what it is, this is the moment,

943
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:38,279
Speaker 1: this is this is what it's about. Like I'm there

944
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:40,399
Speaker 1: for you when you're writhing in pain, when you're not well,

945
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:43,239
Speaker 1: when you're not your strongest. You know. When I saw that,

946
00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:46,319
Speaker 1: I was like, this is I get it? And so

947
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:49,240
Speaker 1: when you think about that, you have to accept everything

948
00:46:49,239 --> 00:46:51,800
Speaker 1: that you are and that your partner is with respect

949
00:46:51,920 --> 00:46:55,120
Speaker 1: and boundaries. But except to grow and be better, you know,

950
00:46:55,320 --> 00:46:57,879
Speaker 1: and be well together. It's really important. And I say

951
00:46:57,880 --> 00:46:59,480
Speaker 1: you're speaking to me too, because I feel like even

952
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:01,640
Speaker 1: over the us of eighteen years, that's a long time

953
00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:05,200
Speaker 1: to be with somebody. Um, you know, I know, I

954
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,759
Speaker 1: can admit that I've let certain things fall by the wayside,

955
00:47:08,040 --> 00:47:16,040
Speaker 1: and not on purpose, you know, not on purpose. But

956
00:47:17,120 --> 00:47:20,960
Speaker 1: it's just life sometimes, you know. Yeah, But can I

957
00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:23,080
Speaker 1: just say to that there there is a what do

958
00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:26,080
Speaker 1: they say, like a like the gas tank right, like listen,

959
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:28,360
Speaker 1: I'm not there every day, y'all's relationship, but I certainly

960
00:47:28,400 --> 00:47:31,920
Speaker 1: know that you have poured in to that tank, you

961
00:47:31,920 --> 00:47:33,239
Speaker 1: know what I mean. And so at the end of

962
00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:36,839
Speaker 1: the day, two marriages, about the balance of that and

963
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:38,960
Speaker 1: how there are lots of things that we're going to

964
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:40,600
Speaker 1: look up and be like, I should have been there,

965
00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:42,920
Speaker 1: I should have done that differently, I should have he

966
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:45,799
Speaker 1: was being vulnerable and I didn't missed it. And then yes,

967
00:47:46,320 --> 00:47:49,520
Speaker 1: and that happens in my relationship a lot. But we

968
00:47:49,680 --> 00:47:53,560
Speaker 1: have to know that we are giving as much as

969
00:47:53,560 --> 00:47:55,880
Speaker 1: we can as best we can, and that we own

970
00:47:56,600 --> 00:47:59,400
Speaker 1: when we've fallen short, you know what I mean, and

971
00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:02,640
Speaker 1: that they know that ability is everything, you know. I

972
00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:05,320
Speaker 1: don't think anything is perfect. I don't think anyone is perfect.

973
00:48:05,680 --> 00:48:07,760
Speaker 1: You just have to be trying your best at all times.

974
00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:12,080
Speaker 1: Thanks y'all. We were supposed to keep him and last

975
00:48:12,680 --> 00:48:16,680
Speaker 1: and I was gonna talk about like sexy like party stuff,

976
00:48:16,680 --> 00:48:20,279
Speaker 1: and here we are having a whole Kumbaya moment. I'm

977
00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:25,440
Speaker 1: guilty of doing this everywhere, just like I know, I

978
00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:28,239
Speaker 1: knew where we were going with this early passing the

979
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:32,960
Speaker 1: cleanex around. Oh my goodness. So yeah, that spoke so

980
00:48:33,040 --> 00:48:35,399
Speaker 1: much to me, and just saying sometimes you just miss

981
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:37,840
Speaker 1: things and devouce this to men, and sometimes you're just

982
00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:41,040
Speaker 1: an autopilot. You're just like going and you don't stop

983
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:42,560
Speaker 1: to see that. And I'm just like, damn, I didn't

984
00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:45,160
Speaker 1: even realize that. But I'm just trying to like wife

985
00:48:45,160 --> 00:48:48,120
Speaker 1: and mom and and act and you know, do other

986
00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:51,880
Speaker 1: stuff and be everything. Yes, very like tunnel vision with

987
00:48:51,920 --> 00:48:54,319
Speaker 1: certain things. And then I miss a moment when he

988
00:48:54,320 --> 00:48:58,000
Speaker 1: says like I'm just hurt by that, and I'm just like, well, bro,

989
00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:00,560
Speaker 1: I suck it up. We're supposed to be hurt because

990
00:49:01,239 --> 00:49:02,920
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't mean it like that, you know.

991
00:49:03,040 --> 00:49:05,520
Speaker 1: And then I totally don't take responsibility in some of

992
00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:07,680
Speaker 1: those moments because I feel like it just wasn't that

993
00:49:07,719 --> 00:49:09,320
Speaker 1: big of a deal. And just because it's not a

994
00:49:09,360 --> 00:49:11,000
Speaker 1: big deal to me doesn't mean that it's not a

995
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:13,320
Speaker 1: big deal to you, you know. So I'm going to

996
00:49:13,440 --> 00:49:15,520
Speaker 1: take that whtle Jim, Okay, Jim, put it in my

997
00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:20,960
Speaker 1: pocket and it's a Rose Courts crystal in case that

998
00:49:21,719 --> 00:49:23,680
Speaker 1: So shifting gears a little bit as we kind of

999
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:25,600
Speaker 1: wrap up. So we've spoken a lot about like pouring

1000
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:27,759
Speaker 1: into the spouse and everything, but like what about us?

1001
00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:30,120
Speaker 1: You know? What about us? And you know, self care

1002
00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:31,879
Speaker 1: is that term being thrown around a whole lot lately

1003
00:49:31,920 --> 00:49:34,200
Speaker 1: because I feel like we now realize that in order

1004
00:49:34,239 --> 00:49:37,839
Speaker 1: to be that cup that pours into every aspect of life,

1005
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:40,439
Speaker 1: we have to have something too. You've got to fill

1006
00:49:40,480 --> 00:49:42,799
Speaker 1: that joint up. Um. So what are your favorite ways

1007
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:45,319
Speaker 1: to kind of reconnect with yourself, um and make the

1008
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:48,080
Speaker 1: most of your own company psychotherapy for you? Melani? You say,

1009
00:49:48,120 --> 00:49:49,799
Speaker 1: is one way? What about you, Cody, anything that you

1010
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:52,680
Speaker 1: do to kind of just say him I love you,

1011
00:49:54,040 --> 00:49:55,879
Speaker 1: I will say, I will be honest, and right now

1012
00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:58,080
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that at all, like I would say

1013
00:49:58,120 --> 00:50:01,200
Speaker 1: almost at all. I'm getting to a place. But that

1014
00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:03,640
Speaker 1: is my biggest issue with me right now. So you're

1015
00:50:03,640 --> 00:50:08,840
Speaker 1: acknowledging that. It's fully acknowledging that. Yeah, I am trying

1016
00:50:08,880 --> 00:50:15,040
Speaker 1: to figure out I have zero rituals for me right like,

1017
00:50:15,040 --> 00:50:17,680
Speaker 1: like I don't even floss every day, Like that's a

1018
00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:20,839
Speaker 1: thing that no one cares but me. It's for me

1019
00:50:20,920 --> 00:50:24,640
Speaker 1: and my teeth helped, but like I don't even take

1020
00:50:24,719 --> 00:50:27,600
Speaker 1: the two minutes every day to do that for myself.

1021
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:30,040
Speaker 1: And so I'm trying to figure out, right now, what

1022
00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:32,000
Speaker 1: are those things? What is one thing that I can

1023
00:50:32,040 --> 00:50:34,719
Speaker 1: do that's like three minutes, you know, two to three

1024
00:50:34,760 --> 00:50:38,200
Speaker 1: minutes a day, even if it's just being still um.

1025
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:40,680
Speaker 1: One thing I have incorporated, like in the last couple

1026
00:50:40,719 --> 00:50:44,279
Speaker 1: of weeks is working out, but it's overwhelmed. It's like

1027
00:50:44,480 --> 00:50:46,640
Speaker 1: it's nerve racking because I feel so good when I

1028
00:50:46,680 --> 00:50:48,480
Speaker 1: do it, but I also feel like I've just taken

1029
00:50:48,520 --> 00:50:50,920
Speaker 1: an hour and a half away from something else. So

1030
00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:52,799
Speaker 1: I'm trying to wrap my head around just being like,

1031
00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:55,040
Speaker 1: but you need it but you deserve it so that

1032
00:50:55,040 --> 00:50:57,359
Speaker 1: you're not feeling guilty after the fact. So I'm in

1033
00:50:57,360 --> 00:50:59,719
Speaker 1: that spot now because I want to I want to

1034
00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:02,200
Speaker 1: point something out because I noticed this about moms in general.

1035
00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:09,640
Speaker 1: Consistency with myself is like the worst. But when I

1036
00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:15,560
Speaker 1: tell you that my son routine is all points, listen

1037
00:51:15,600 --> 00:51:19,400
Speaker 1: to me, listen to me. So so I I always

1038
00:51:19,480 --> 00:51:21,480
Speaker 1: say that to other moms, and I say that to

1039
00:51:21,520 --> 00:51:25,600
Speaker 1: myself because it's possible. It's where you choose, and like,

1040
00:51:25,719 --> 00:51:28,600
Speaker 1: as women, this is our this is quintessential like one

1041
00:51:28,600 --> 00:51:31,960
Speaker 1: o one give poor poor poor filth, feed, take care

1042
00:51:31,960 --> 00:51:34,480
Speaker 1: of everyone you know, and we forget. And so it

1043
00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:37,520
Speaker 1: is just as small as taking three minutes to yourself.

1044
00:51:37,560 --> 00:51:40,399
Speaker 1: It is just as amazing as being here today, like

1045
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:43,879
Speaker 1: it really is. It's it's um, it's a thing. So

1046
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:46,799
Speaker 1: you can do it and just find the small ways

1047
00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:49,240
Speaker 1: that you can and then of course releasing like knowing

1048
00:51:49,719 --> 00:51:51,960
Speaker 1: you will start to understand. Like I started doing orange theory,

1049
00:51:52,480 --> 00:51:55,160
Speaker 1: which is like I'm obsessed with it. I didn't think

1050
00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:56,960
Speaker 1: that I would be because I thought those people were

1051
00:51:57,000 --> 00:52:01,480
Speaker 1: crazy down Orange theory. So it's a high intensity workout.

1052
00:52:01,560 --> 00:52:03,920
Speaker 1: So it's an hour, right, So like I found that, like,

1053
00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:05,920
Speaker 1: I just didn't. I wasn't having the motivation to go

1054
00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:09,000
Speaker 1: to the gym and motivate myself to do it. I

1055
00:52:09,040 --> 00:52:10,680
Speaker 1: was boxing for a little bit. I like that too,

1056
00:52:10,680 --> 00:52:12,919
Speaker 1: but girl, you see these nails, they don't always work.

1057
00:52:15,480 --> 00:52:18,319
Speaker 1: That's also me time, by the way. Um, But yeah,

1058
00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:20,640
Speaker 1: like the orange theory is high intensity workouts. It's an

1059
00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:23,600
Speaker 1: hour literally start to finish, you'll be home, you'll be done,

1060
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:26,680
Speaker 1: dressed in everything within the hour. And it's just that

1061
00:52:26,840 --> 00:52:28,680
Speaker 1: good sweat that I feel that I need and I'm

1062
00:52:28,760 --> 00:52:31,480
Speaker 1: challenging myself and I feel like that's a really good

1063
00:52:31,480 --> 00:52:34,680
Speaker 1: way for me now as far as how I implement

1064
00:52:34,760 --> 00:52:37,600
Speaker 1: self care and build confidence for myself, because I'll honestly say,

1065
00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:42,120
Speaker 1: like once I had my son, coming into the industry,

1066
00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:44,399
Speaker 1: oh my god, I mean there's a whole other thing.

1067
00:52:44,680 --> 00:52:46,480
Speaker 1: I just saw a picture somebody posted to me last night.

1068
00:52:46,520 --> 00:52:48,279
Speaker 1: I remember this is before I had my son, and

1069
00:52:48,320 --> 00:52:50,520
Speaker 1: it was like a month that I had done any

1070
00:52:50,520 --> 00:52:52,320
Speaker 1: public photos, and somebody's just like, oh, she looks like

1071
00:52:52,360 --> 00:52:55,839
Speaker 1: she put on weight. And then after I had my son,

1072
00:52:56,320 --> 00:52:58,480
Speaker 1: this narrative is still in my head and I'm like,

1073
00:52:58,560 --> 00:53:00,399
Speaker 1: oh my god, people are gonna say I'm that. People

1074
00:53:00,440 --> 00:53:03,520
Speaker 1: are gonna say all these things, and it's like, what's

1075
00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:08,279
Speaker 1: not true that baby? Stop it right, you know. But

1076
00:53:08,320 --> 00:53:09,880
Speaker 1: the thing is is that now I've gotten to this

1077
00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:12,240
Speaker 1: place where I just want to feel healthy and strong

1078
00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:15,239
Speaker 1: and so whatever that is. I love going for acupuncture.

1079
00:53:15,320 --> 00:53:17,239
Speaker 1: Sometimes I would just go for a random sound bath.

1080
00:53:17,520 --> 00:53:20,239
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'll just go for a walk. Sometimes this high

1081
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:23,040
Speaker 1: intensity work out of me pushing myself and ten ten

1082
00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:25,560
Speaker 1: or eleven on the treadmill and bed sprint for thirty seconds.

1083
00:53:25,800 --> 00:53:29,160
Speaker 1: Lets me know you did this, you know. So I

1084
00:53:29,200 --> 00:53:32,640
Speaker 1: try to do those things. And really, my biggest thing

1085
00:53:32,640 --> 00:53:35,359
Speaker 1: that I do these days is say no. I say

1086
00:53:35,400 --> 00:53:39,239
Speaker 1: no to whatever is not going to fill me, and

1087
00:53:39,320 --> 00:53:41,160
Speaker 1: keep it pushing and keep pushing about it. I don't

1088
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:44,040
Speaker 1: even if you know. And it's interesting because when you

1089
00:53:44,080 --> 00:53:46,319
Speaker 1: have a family, you start to think about money and

1090
00:53:46,360 --> 00:53:49,359
Speaker 1: you start to think about opportunities. And then I've said

1091
00:53:49,440 --> 00:53:51,160
Speaker 1: yes to certain things where I was like, no, not

1092
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:53,799
Speaker 1: all money is good money. So now I really just

1093
00:53:53,840 --> 00:53:55,839
Speaker 1: want to say no. In general. I want to set

1094
00:53:55,880 --> 00:54:02,000
Speaker 1: the boundaries of um of not being tune. You know.

1095
00:54:02,200 --> 00:54:04,240
Speaker 1: That's how That's how I'm filling my cup. It's funny

1096
00:54:04,320 --> 00:54:06,560
Speaker 1: my little self care thing. Um, I think because also

1097
00:54:06,600 --> 00:54:08,399
Speaker 1: a lot of my work is on social media and

1098
00:54:08,520 --> 00:54:10,319
Speaker 1: just always being on my phone and stuff like that.

1099
00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:12,600
Speaker 1: I was literally heartbroken. I wrote a blog about it,

1100
00:54:12,719 --> 00:54:16,439
Speaker 1: a blog about it recently that um Cairo, my middle son,

1101
00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:19,200
Speaker 1: was asking me for something one day and I was

1102
00:54:19,239 --> 00:54:21,400
Speaker 1: just in my phone doing something like posting a story

1103
00:54:21,480 --> 00:54:24,719
Speaker 1: or something, and um, he was like Mommy, no, no, no no,

1104
00:54:24,840 --> 00:54:27,000
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, whatever, not listening to him. And he

1105
00:54:27,080 --> 00:54:29,560
Speaker 1: was like Mommy, with like this force, and he was like,

1106
00:54:29,760 --> 00:54:33,799
Speaker 1: you're not listening to me. I was like, break my

1107
00:54:33,880 --> 00:54:38,520
Speaker 1: heart a million pieces. Just bear my heart because it's over.

1108
00:54:38,760 --> 00:54:41,160
Speaker 1: And I literally stopped and was like and I was

1109
00:54:41,200 --> 00:54:42,640
Speaker 1: in tears and I was hugging him and I was like,

1110
00:54:42,640 --> 00:54:44,920
Speaker 1: what's the matter. I'm so sorry, and I promise you now.

1111
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:47,360
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know what, sometimes I'll just have to

1112
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:50,239
Speaker 1: put my phone down. That is my self camera. So

1113
00:54:50,400 --> 00:54:51,840
Speaker 1: there are some Sundays where I'll wake up and I

1114
00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:53,799
Speaker 1: was like, no, check a quick email, whatever, and I'll

1115
00:54:53,800 --> 00:54:55,880
Speaker 1: put my phone down on the charger for the day.

1116
00:54:56,080 --> 00:54:58,120
Speaker 1: That's great, and I just let it. I just that's

1117
00:54:58,120 --> 00:55:00,320
Speaker 1: just it. I'm like, it's gonna have to wait. And

1118
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:02,120
Speaker 1: naturally there's some people that are just like, girl, did

1119
00:55:02,160 --> 00:55:07,600
Speaker 1: you die? I text you three hours ago, you didn't reply,

1120
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,600
Speaker 1: you know, And I'm just like, I took some time.

1121
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:13,960
Speaker 1: And sometimes it's time for me. Sometimes it's just time

1122
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:16,560
Speaker 1: for my family, my husband, children, like it's just time

1123
00:55:16,600 --> 00:55:19,839
Speaker 1: away from all the noise. And that's probably my most

1124
00:55:19,920 --> 00:55:25,560
Speaker 1: favorite self care ye so sore so flowers. Ladies, I

1125
00:55:25,680 --> 00:55:28,840
Speaker 1: do like by yourself flowers. That's like the smallest thing jewelry.

1126
00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:34,239
Speaker 1: Just walk on jewelry, you know, if you're bowling on

1127
00:55:34,239 --> 00:55:35,840
Speaker 1: a budget, and if you know what I mean, it

1128
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:38,240
Speaker 1: depends when girl, there's Etsy, we can find some stuff,

1129
00:55:39,280 --> 00:55:41,520
Speaker 1: and then there's always Amazon. It's funny because I had

1130
00:55:41,520 --> 00:55:43,279
Speaker 1: a little cement where I was good to talk to

1131
00:55:43,320 --> 00:55:44,920
Speaker 1: you all about like things that you or where you

1132
00:55:44,960 --> 00:55:47,480
Speaker 1: shot for sexy bedroom pieces, which is like the counterpart

1133
00:55:47,520 --> 00:55:52,200
Speaker 1: to me meis you like what not? But I was like,

1134
00:55:52,239 --> 00:55:54,160
Speaker 1: you know, my Amazon is cool for like a little

1135
00:55:54,239 --> 00:55:56,240
Speaker 1: cheerley diskirt or if you want to be a little schoolgirl,

1136
00:55:56,280 --> 00:55:58,799
Speaker 1: because ifout likes role play and whatnot. So I got

1137
00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:01,800
Speaker 1: to go to Amazon to hit them up. Half is

1138
00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:04,799
Speaker 1: working on my chop so that's all that is me.

1139
00:56:05,040 --> 00:56:08,560
Speaker 1: I like to say, oh my goodness. All right, so

1140
00:56:08,640 --> 00:56:10,200
Speaker 1: we have listener letters. I just want to stick you

1141
00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:11,680
Speaker 1: around for maybe ten more minutes. I don't want to

1142
00:56:11,680 --> 00:56:13,279
Speaker 1: take out too many times. But before we do that,

1143
00:56:13,320 --> 00:56:15,120
Speaker 1: we're gonna take a little break and we're going to

1144
00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:17,399
Speaker 1: get into some ads. Okay, so we'll be right back.

1145
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:29,160
Speaker 1: Stay town. This for the record, there it is a

1146
00:56:29,360 --> 00:56:34,000
Speaker 1: win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our

1147
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:38,719
Speaker 1: most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with

1148
00:56:38,800 --> 00:56:43,480
Speaker 1: many chapters. I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and

1149
00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:51,279
Speaker 1: selfish behavior, but here it is the return to glory.

1150
00:56:52,040 --> 00:56:56,240
Speaker 1: This is All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted

1151
00:56:56,239 --> 00:56:59,360
Speaker 1: by me Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger Woos doesn't know

1152
00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:02,680
Speaker 1: who he is best in the history of golf, no

1153
00:57:02,800 --> 00:57:06,879
Speaker 1: question in my mind. And this season, with the help

1154
00:57:06,880 --> 00:57:11,280
Speaker 1: of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story

1155
00:57:11,680 --> 00:57:15,239
Speaker 1: of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what

1156
00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:20,200
Speaker 1: if it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out.

1157
00:57:20,320 --> 00:57:23,200
Speaker 1: Now listen and stitch your Apple podcasts or your favorite

1158
00:57:23,240 --> 00:57:32,480
Speaker 1: podcast app. All right, so now we're back and it's

1159
00:57:32,480 --> 00:57:35,440
Speaker 1: time for listener letters. So I always encouraged my beautiful

1160
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:37,640
Speaker 1: guests to stick around and help me answer these questions,

1161
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:42,280
Speaker 1: because shall these emails be crazy sometimes with these scenarios

1162
00:57:42,400 --> 00:57:45,320
Speaker 1: that people legitimately need help and they need advice. So

1163
00:57:45,360 --> 00:57:47,000
Speaker 1: I don't want to make fun of it, but we

1164
00:57:47,040 --> 00:57:48,320
Speaker 1: do want to see what they have to say and

1165
00:57:48,400 --> 00:57:50,520
Speaker 1: give our little two cents, you know. And since Melanie

1166
00:57:50,600 --> 00:57:53,640
Speaker 1: has all the fields today and the energy and she's

1167
00:57:53,680 --> 00:57:56,080
Speaker 1: just speaking to my soul, she might speak to y'alls too.

1168
00:57:56,120 --> 00:57:58,240
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna read the first question and we'll see

1169
00:57:58,280 --> 00:58:00,400
Speaker 1: what we can do for you. All right, Um, dear

1170
00:58:00,520 --> 00:58:03,080
Speaker 1: K and d big fans of the podcast, I've get

1171
00:58:03,160 --> 00:58:05,800
Speaker 1: to miss an episode. Thank you. Trying to get my

1172
00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:07,680
Speaker 1: wife into Oh so this is a man writing in

1173
00:58:08,240 --> 00:58:10,960
Speaker 1: We like when we hear from the guys. Um, trying

1174
00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:15,280
Speaker 1: to get my wife into it. So maybe being mentioned

1175
00:58:15,320 --> 00:58:17,760
Speaker 1: on the show will convince her. Oh okay, our first

1176
00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:19,000
Speaker 1: ye can't give me no name, so I don't know

1177
00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:21,280
Speaker 1: who you are, bro, but okay, our first year of marriage,

1178
00:58:21,600 --> 00:58:24,280
Speaker 1: our first year in being married just coming up. It's

1179
00:58:24,280 --> 00:58:27,200
Speaker 1: been a roller coaster for sure. How is the first

1180
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:30,480
Speaker 1: year for you too? What pressure or difficulties did you

1181
00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:34,080
Speaker 1: to face when it came to family professional and I

1182
00:58:34,080 --> 00:58:39,120
Speaker 1: guess personally, Um, our family can't help but mention kids

1183
00:58:39,560 --> 00:58:43,480
Speaker 1: every visit. Okay, so they want kids or family wants kids. Um,

1184
00:58:43,480 --> 00:58:46,920
Speaker 1: what advice would you have facing these similar pressures? Can

1185
00:58:46,960 --> 00:58:49,400
Speaker 1: you suddress what we would do or what's the best

1186
00:58:49,400 --> 00:58:52,000
Speaker 1: way to handle these topics? When brought up I guess

1187
00:58:52,000 --> 00:58:54,440
Speaker 1: from other it doesn't feel very clear, but I'm assuming

1188
00:58:54,480 --> 00:58:57,120
Speaker 1: he's saying they've been married for a year and they're

1189
00:58:57,160 --> 00:58:59,360
Speaker 1: having some pressures that they're facing with their family and

1190
00:58:59,360 --> 00:59:01,480
Speaker 1: professionally and stuff like that. So anything that maybe you

1191
00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:04,240
Speaker 1: guys have encountered, maybe Cody, um, you can speak on

1192
00:59:04,560 --> 00:59:08,160
Speaker 1: in that first year that I mean, arding the children thing,

1193
00:59:08,200 --> 00:59:12,200
Speaker 1: it's kind of just none of your business to inquiries,

1194
00:59:12,400 --> 00:59:16,280
Speaker 1: you know. Um, But yeah, marriage is like is historically

1195
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:19,480
Speaker 1: statistically the first year is the hardest, the hardest. So

1196
00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:22,520
Speaker 1: that's just normal. And to not think that you're different

1197
00:59:22,680 --> 00:59:24,760
Speaker 1: or anything, you know, depending on what your issues are,

1198
00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:28,000
Speaker 1: But that's normal. You know, you're you're adjusting greatly. Maybe

1199
00:59:28,040 --> 00:59:29,960
Speaker 1: you didn't live together before, you know what I mean, Like,

1200
00:59:29,960 --> 00:59:32,000
Speaker 1: there's just so many adjustments in that first year. So

1201
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:36,960
Speaker 1: my only note is to just communicate, maybe go to therapy,

1202
00:59:37,760 --> 00:59:40,720
Speaker 1: but yeah, just to communicate for sure. Yeah. I think

1203
00:59:40,760 --> 00:59:42,680
Speaker 1: the first year for Deval were really hard too, because

1204
00:59:42,720 --> 00:59:44,480
Speaker 1: it was like we were married. We were coming off

1205
00:59:44,480 --> 00:59:46,600
Speaker 1: of the stresses of like this big wedding that our

1206
00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:49,280
Speaker 1: families both wanted us to have. So we were recuperating

1207
00:59:49,320 --> 00:59:51,680
Speaker 1: from that, um, you know, because it's like, all, we're

1208
00:59:51,680 --> 00:59:53,440
Speaker 1: gonna have this money, but like make sure we can

1209
00:59:53,480 --> 00:59:55,400
Speaker 1: live after because a lot of our money was tied

1210
00:59:55,480 --> 00:59:57,440
Speaker 1: up in assets and like homes and investments and stuff

1211
00:59:57,440 --> 00:59:59,360
Speaker 1: that we had. So it was like, you know, really

1212
00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:00,880
Speaker 1: just trying to like all off this wedding and ended

1213
01:00:00,960 --> 01:00:03,959
Speaker 1: up getting pregnant on the honeymoon. Jackson was a honey

1214
01:00:04,160 --> 01:00:06,240
Speaker 1: He went to Jamaica's two came back and three child.

1215
01:00:06,680 --> 01:00:09,480
Speaker 1: So that was a lot too because then now we're

1216
01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:11,400
Speaker 1: now married and it's like, Okay, what does it look

1217
01:00:11,440 --> 01:00:14,600
Speaker 1: like to be married? Like what's different? Um? And then

1218
01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:16,480
Speaker 1: we're also now I'm going through a whole bunch of

1219
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:19,200
Speaker 1: hormonal changes being pregnant and having our first child within

1220
01:00:19,200 --> 01:00:21,760
Speaker 1: the first year. So we definitely threw around that divorce.

1221
01:00:21,800 --> 01:00:24,200
Speaker 1: We're like a couple of times like what did we do?

1222
01:00:24,440 --> 01:00:26,440
Speaker 1: I liked you seven years prior and here we are

1223
01:00:26,480 --> 01:00:29,400
Speaker 1: and what did we do? Nobody told me about X

1224
01:00:29,560 --> 01:00:32,040
Speaker 1: y Z you know. So that was a big issue

1225
01:00:32,080 --> 01:00:35,560
Speaker 1: for us that first year um of marriage. And then slowly,

1226
01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:38,840
Speaker 1: I think once we kind of regained um, some focus

1227
01:00:38,840 --> 01:00:41,000
Speaker 1: on like what exactly it was that we wanted. I

1228
01:00:41,000 --> 01:00:43,040
Speaker 1: think Jackson too helped to keep us together because we

1229
01:00:43,080 --> 01:00:45,360
Speaker 1: had the common goal of now parenting this little person

1230
01:00:45,360 --> 01:00:47,680
Speaker 1: that didn't next to be here, um, but he's here

1231
01:00:47,720 --> 01:00:49,360
Speaker 1: and we loved him to death, and knowing that we

1232
01:00:49,400 --> 01:00:51,920
Speaker 1: wanted to have a household that was going to be

1233
01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:55,280
Speaker 1: together and that was gonna be healthy for him. UM.

1234
01:00:55,280 --> 01:00:58,280
Speaker 1: So that does help a lot um within that first year,

1235
01:00:58,280 --> 01:01:00,800
Speaker 1: at least for us. UM. Do you feel, for see Melanie,

1236
01:01:00,800 --> 01:01:03,720
Speaker 1: any changes coming. It's really interesting because I always wonder, like,

1237
01:01:04,720 --> 01:01:08,480
Speaker 1: because we have been living together, have a child, and

1238
01:01:08,520 --> 01:01:11,200
Speaker 1: now we're going to have this you know, ceremony, I

1239
01:01:11,560 --> 01:01:14,680
Speaker 1: wonder if things will change. I don't. I hope that

1240
01:01:14,760 --> 01:01:17,200
Speaker 1: I don't foresee that they would, but I feel like,

1241
01:01:17,920 --> 01:01:21,200
Speaker 1: does like does the official title create other things? I

1242
01:01:21,200 --> 01:01:23,520
Speaker 1: mean except for anybody coming, well, let me relate to

1243
01:01:23,560 --> 01:01:25,800
Speaker 1: the writer, because if anybody is trying to come up

1244
01:01:25,800 --> 01:01:27,280
Speaker 1: in here after we say these vals and talking about

1245
01:01:27,280 --> 01:01:30,320
Speaker 1: when are you gonna exactly? We don't know if we're

1246
01:01:30,320 --> 01:01:32,280
Speaker 1: having another baby, And I think that that's the thing

1247
01:01:32,320 --> 01:01:35,680
Speaker 1: I would give any advice to anybody is just don't

1248
01:01:35,800 --> 01:01:39,240
Speaker 1: have other people project their expectations. Are sure there's a

1249
01:01:39,280 --> 01:01:41,080
Speaker 1: reason why it's just you and that person, and you've

1250
01:01:41,160 --> 01:01:44,000
Speaker 1: chosen each other and just said boundaries. I say no

1251
01:01:44,080 --> 01:01:46,240
Speaker 1: with a smile. You know what, Thanks, but I didn't

1252
01:01:46,240 --> 01:01:48,320
Speaker 1: ask for your opinion. Thanks, but I didn't ask you.

1253
01:01:48,600 --> 01:01:54,400
Speaker 1: I'm smiling. I'm so happy. It's for sure. We did

1254
01:01:54,440 --> 01:01:56,920
Speaker 1: a whole episode on stop Clocking my uterus. That's actually

1255
01:01:56,920 --> 01:02:00,160
Speaker 1: the title of so trust me. I completely under say

1256
01:02:00,240 --> 01:02:04,040
Speaker 1: where you're coming from with that Majo business. Tell that alright,

1257
01:02:04,480 --> 01:02:08,800
Speaker 1: story short, all right. In our last question for today, um, hi,

1258
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:11,640
Speaker 1: I'm newly I'm a newly wed and a new mom.

1259
01:02:11,720 --> 01:02:14,720
Speaker 1: How did you or when you started feeling sexy again

1260
01:02:14,880 --> 01:02:17,560
Speaker 1: after kas and Cairo. She's speaking to me as a female,

1261
01:02:17,800 --> 01:02:19,560
Speaker 1: So when did you start to feel sexy again after

1262
01:02:19,600 --> 01:02:22,640
Speaker 1: these babies? I come, that's what she's saying. I'm recovering

1263
01:02:22,640 --> 01:02:25,400
Speaker 1: from a cesarian and having a hard time falling in

1264
01:02:25,480 --> 01:02:29,360
Speaker 1: love with myself again. And of you had Crian, you

1265
01:02:29,440 --> 01:02:33,280
Speaker 1: had at both. Really I had a c section with Brooks.

1266
01:02:33,360 --> 01:02:38,680
Speaker 1: I didn't know that bag. You know what the twins? Okay,

1267
01:02:38,720 --> 01:02:41,400
Speaker 1: good for you. So yeah, fall in love with this

1268
01:02:41,440 --> 01:02:45,680
Speaker 1: body that's such a such such a complicated. It don't

1269
01:02:45,680 --> 01:02:47,520
Speaker 1: look the same, it don't sit the same, it don't

1270
01:02:47,560 --> 01:02:51,160
Speaker 1: move the same. Sure, and who knows if it feels

1271
01:02:51,200 --> 01:02:54,120
Speaker 1: the same, you know what I'm saying. Really, I just

1272
01:02:54,320 --> 01:02:57,040
Speaker 1: I just think that it is a process. I know,

1273
01:02:57,160 --> 01:03:01,560
Speaker 1: for me, I found that. And I when I found

1274
01:03:01,600 --> 01:03:04,760
Speaker 1: that I was doing things, whether it was physical activity

1275
01:03:04,800 --> 01:03:06,840
Speaker 1: to try to make myself feel good about my physical

1276
01:03:06,880 --> 01:03:09,120
Speaker 1: body or just things in general that made me feel good,

1277
01:03:09,480 --> 01:03:12,640
Speaker 1: was when I started to find confidence within myself body wise.

1278
01:03:13,080 --> 01:03:15,800
Speaker 1: You know, it's hard when you are beating up on yourself,

1279
01:03:15,840 --> 01:03:17,440
Speaker 1: when you're like, oh, I've put on so much weight

1280
01:03:17,640 --> 01:03:19,080
Speaker 1: and now I'm sitting at home and all I'm doing

1281
01:03:19,160 --> 01:03:21,440
Speaker 1: is taking care of the baby. And I found that,

1282
01:03:21,480 --> 01:03:24,080
Speaker 1: like when I was putting my best foot forward for myself,

1283
01:03:24,800 --> 01:03:27,720
Speaker 1: even if I wasn't where I was ideal, I still

1284
01:03:27,800 --> 01:03:31,280
Speaker 1: was finding confidence for myself and learning that I wanted

1285
01:03:31,320 --> 01:03:33,680
Speaker 1: to do everything out of self love and rather than

1286
01:03:33,720 --> 01:03:36,920
Speaker 1: self hate. And so that was really the thing. And

1287
01:03:36,960 --> 01:03:39,360
Speaker 1: so even now I still sometimes I'll be like, oh,

1288
01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:43,120
Speaker 1: I love yourself, girl, love yourself, Love yourself. It is

1289
01:03:43,200 --> 01:03:46,200
Speaker 1: so it is a it is a journey forever. And

1290
01:03:46,240 --> 01:03:49,640
Speaker 1: I think that communicating with your partner, as vulnerable as

1291
01:03:49,680 --> 01:03:53,360
Speaker 1: that can be, is the key because they will feel

1292
01:03:53,400 --> 01:03:56,120
Speaker 1: when you're shying away, when you're hiding, and maybe you

1293
01:03:56,120 --> 01:03:58,640
Speaker 1: can rely on them to help bring that sexyotity and

1294
01:03:58,720 --> 01:04:01,320
Speaker 1: make you feel like you had tired. You know, it's

1295
01:04:01,400 --> 01:04:04,000
Speaker 1: really important because I feel like two for our partners,

1296
01:04:04,320 --> 01:04:06,720
Speaker 1: they're kind of being extra sensitive to us in that

1297
01:04:06,800 --> 01:04:09,600
Speaker 1: time because we just did have surgery, we just you know,

1298
01:04:09,680 --> 01:04:12,320
Speaker 1: gave birth. We just are adjusting to this new body,

1299
01:04:12,320 --> 01:04:14,400
Speaker 1: and they're hearing us say, oh, these genes don't fit,

1300
01:04:14,520 --> 01:04:17,720
Speaker 1: or oh I used to or people are saying things.

1301
01:04:17,760 --> 01:04:20,360
Speaker 1: You know, so I think it's really important to also

1302
01:04:20,440 --> 01:04:22,960
Speaker 1: communicate how you're feeling, because I know, for a while

1303
01:04:23,040 --> 01:04:25,920
Speaker 1: I kept all of my stuff inside. And you know,

1304
01:04:26,400 --> 01:04:28,439
Speaker 1: then also your partner might start to feel like you're

1305
01:04:28,480 --> 01:04:30,320
Speaker 1: not interested in them, where you're just not in the mood.

1306
01:04:30,840 --> 01:04:33,120
Speaker 1: You might need a little encouragement, you might need someone

1307
01:04:33,160 --> 01:04:34,840
Speaker 1: to say I still love you the way that you are,

1308
01:04:35,160 --> 01:04:36,840
Speaker 1: this thing that it used to be there before. I

1309
01:04:36,840 --> 01:04:38,480
Speaker 1: still love you. I take you and accept you as

1310
01:04:38,480 --> 01:04:40,920
Speaker 1: you are. You know, it's really it goes a long way.

1311
01:04:40,960 --> 01:04:43,800
Speaker 1: So communication, don't be afraid to be vulnerable about how

1312
01:04:43,800 --> 01:04:46,000
Speaker 1: you're feeling about your mind. Do you remember I wrote

1313
01:04:46,000 --> 01:04:48,640
Speaker 1: a snap back article for you guys, and we talked

1314
01:04:48,640 --> 01:04:52,600
Speaker 1: about the snaps back culture and like this, um, yeah,

1315
01:04:52,640 --> 01:04:54,800
Speaker 1: what it is like this this whole term and like

1316
01:04:54,840 --> 01:04:57,320
Speaker 1: that negative connotation that it has because people expect it

1317
01:04:57,360 --> 01:05:00,000
Speaker 1: to happen like right away, and there's so much pressure

1318
01:05:00,040 --> 01:05:01,840
Speaker 1: on women to then feel like they have to just

1319
01:05:02,000 --> 01:05:05,240
Speaker 1: reassimilate into the culture all put together again, you know

1320
01:05:05,280 --> 01:05:07,160
Speaker 1: what I mean. So it's kind of just like throwing

1321
01:05:07,200 --> 01:05:09,120
Speaker 1: away that term, or if you do embrace the term,

1322
01:05:09,120 --> 01:05:11,360
Speaker 1: knowing that you're doing it within your own time frame.

1323
01:05:12,440 --> 01:05:15,439
Speaker 1: And that's super important. So take your time. It took

1324
01:05:15,520 --> 01:05:19,320
Speaker 1: nine months, ten months, they say, to grow an entire human,

1325
01:05:20,040 --> 01:05:23,080
Speaker 1: deliver that human, and then to you know, get bounced back.

1326
01:05:23,080 --> 01:05:24,920
Speaker 1: It takes time. Remember my O B G y N

1327
01:05:25,040 --> 01:05:26,920
Speaker 1: told me, you know, because I was very much like, oh,

1328
01:05:26,920 --> 01:05:28,560
Speaker 1: I'm gonna start working out, can I start working out

1329
01:05:28,560 --> 01:05:30,040
Speaker 1: that six weeks visit and she was like, well, you know,

1330
01:05:30,080 --> 01:05:31,720
Speaker 1: it takes about a year for your body to kind

1331
01:05:31,720 --> 01:05:34,480
Speaker 1: of readjust and get back to like normal, and then

1332
01:05:34,920 --> 01:05:37,960
Speaker 1: they're always fast forward. It's like cut to Cody and

1333
01:05:37,960 --> 01:05:41,280
Speaker 1: Tommy leaving our apartment and then I was prenatal and

1334
01:05:41,320 --> 01:05:44,480
Speaker 1: postpartum at the same damn time because I had back

1335
01:05:44,480 --> 01:05:47,040
Speaker 1: to that babies, and there's no recovery in sight. It's

1336
01:05:47,040 --> 01:05:49,280
Speaker 1: not like and here I am two years later after cats,

1337
01:05:49,280 --> 01:05:53,000
Speaker 1: finally feeling like Okay, I've got this. I've got myself together.

1338
01:05:54,160 --> 01:05:56,200
Speaker 1: And I don't want to say most important, but the

1339
01:05:56,200 --> 01:05:57,640
Speaker 1: thing that stands out to me about that is that

1340
01:05:57,680 --> 01:06:01,480
Speaker 1: you just said two years later that is important and

1341
01:06:01,520 --> 01:06:03,320
Speaker 1: a big deal, and people look at you and your

1342
01:06:03,320 --> 01:06:05,800
Speaker 1: social or like she just had a baby, you know

1343
01:06:05,840 --> 01:06:09,320
Speaker 1: what he needed chill. It is a process. I'm still

1344
01:06:09,480 --> 01:06:11,720
Speaker 1: he's three, he's about to be four, and I'm still like,

1345
01:06:11,920 --> 01:06:13,960
Speaker 1: I could get that a little tighter. I think maybe

1346
01:06:14,200 --> 01:06:17,080
Speaker 1: I don't know, but we're getting start. But you know

1347
01:06:17,120 --> 01:06:19,160
Speaker 1: what that to or over a year. You know what

1348
01:06:19,200 --> 01:06:21,080
Speaker 1: I will say is I have hips that I never

1349
01:06:21,080 --> 01:06:23,360
Speaker 1: had before now and once upon a time when that

1350
01:06:23,360 --> 01:06:25,280
Speaker 1: put me in a size six instead of a size four.

1351
01:06:25,640 --> 01:06:27,600
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Like, I'm like, okay, Like

1352
01:06:27,680 --> 01:06:29,680
Speaker 1: that's just what it is. And I will share a

1353
01:06:29,680 --> 01:06:32,800
Speaker 1: piece of wisdom to any woman who is listening, whether

1354
01:06:32,920 --> 01:06:35,440
Speaker 1: whatever journey or on, whether it's post baby, pre baby,

1355
01:06:35,440 --> 01:06:37,800
Speaker 1: no baby, wait, whatever it is. My therapist told me

1356
01:06:37,800 --> 01:06:39,560
Speaker 1: this and I never forgot it. It was I was

1357
01:06:39,560 --> 01:06:41,520
Speaker 1: feeling really low about the way that I looked physically

1358
01:06:41,520 --> 01:06:43,520
Speaker 1: at a time, and I remember saying to her, you know,

1359
01:06:43,600 --> 01:06:45,440
Speaker 1: I just I'm working out, but I still want to

1360
01:06:45,440 --> 01:06:47,480
Speaker 1: eat the doughnut and I just don't understand why I

1361
01:06:47,480 --> 01:06:50,800
Speaker 1: can't control it. And she was like, stop waiting to

1362
01:06:51,320 --> 01:06:54,640
Speaker 1: feel good, stop waiting to look good, to feel good.

1363
01:06:54,920 --> 01:06:56,120
Speaker 1: And I was like, well, what do you mean. She

1364
01:06:56,200 --> 01:06:58,640
Speaker 1: was just like, you're not your ideal size right now,

1365
01:06:58,800 --> 01:07:00,360
Speaker 1: but I want you to go buy some thing that

1366
01:07:00,400 --> 01:07:02,760
Speaker 1: makes you feel good in your size right now. She

1367
01:07:02,880 --> 01:07:05,320
Speaker 1: was like, don't wait to get back into these genes

1368
01:07:05,360 --> 01:07:08,000
Speaker 1: where these things that you used to wear. If you

1369
01:07:08,040 --> 01:07:13,040
Speaker 1: a size ten, now go buy something size make you

1370
01:07:13,240 --> 01:07:16,400
Speaker 1: go by something that makes you feel good, because if

1371
01:07:16,400 --> 01:07:18,880
Speaker 1: you are waiting for this comparison to get to this

1372
01:07:18,960 --> 01:07:21,880
Speaker 1: place and that's how you feel success or happiness. You

1373
01:07:21,920 --> 01:07:26,479
Speaker 1: will be struggling forever. So just do something right now

1374
01:07:26,560 --> 01:07:29,800
Speaker 1: wherever you are to make yourself feel good and all

1375
01:07:29,920 --> 01:07:34,760
Speaker 1: that note. Baby, On that note, thank you ladies so

1376
01:07:34,840 --> 01:07:37,600
Speaker 1: much for saying that always helps to get different perspectives

1377
01:07:37,600 --> 01:07:40,440
Speaker 1: on motherhood and life and us just trying to do

1378
01:07:40,560 --> 01:07:42,600
Speaker 1: everything as women. So it's like you said, whether you

1379
01:07:42,640 --> 01:07:44,480
Speaker 1: have children when you you don't, you know, you're in

1380
01:07:44,520 --> 01:07:47,400
Speaker 1: the workforce. Whatever it is. I'm sure that someone can

1381
01:07:47,440 --> 01:07:50,960
Speaker 1: take something from today's episode because as hell did you

1382
01:07:51,320 --> 01:07:53,200
Speaker 1: got mad gyms in my bag? What was it? Kind

1383
01:07:53,200 --> 01:07:55,720
Speaker 1: of Crystal s Courts, bro S Courts and this internally

1384
01:07:55,760 --> 01:07:58,360
Speaker 1: in for sure. There you go, And if you want

1385
01:07:58,360 --> 01:07:59,960
Speaker 1: to be featured as one of our listener letters, be

1386
01:08:00,040 --> 01:08:03,040
Speaker 1: sure to email us at dead as Advice at gmail

1387
01:08:03,160 --> 01:08:05,640
Speaker 1: dot com. So on our way out right now, it

1388
01:08:05,720 --> 01:08:09,840
Speaker 1: was our bridal shower, you know, joints there you know

1389
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:13,600
Speaker 1: what I mean, because I was going to ask for

1390
01:08:13,640 --> 01:08:17,400
Speaker 1: our toast. So normally what we do at the end

1391
01:08:17,400 --> 01:08:21,800
Speaker 1: of every episode, but were just there you go. So

1392
01:08:21,840 --> 01:08:23,240
Speaker 1: what we do at the end of every episode we

1393
01:08:23,240 --> 01:08:25,760
Speaker 1: have a moment of truth. So our takeaway, what's like

1394
01:08:25,800 --> 01:08:28,200
Speaker 1: you're one thing you've taken away from this episode today

1395
01:08:28,560 --> 01:08:31,720
Speaker 1: that you're leaving with um, anything you learned, anything else

1396
01:08:31,760 --> 01:08:34,360
Speaker 1: that you want to share or reiterate, UM, And just

1397
01:08:34,479 --> 01:08:36,679
Speaker 1: like a sentence or two, tell me what your moment

1398
01:08:36,680 --> 01:08:41,760
Speaker 1: of truth is toast to the good life. Everybody's leaving

1399
01:08:41,760 --> 01:08:46,680
Speaker 1: at me. My moment of truth is probably the reminder

1400
01:08:46,720 --> 01:08:49,200
Speaker 1: that never gets old that for me started when I

1401
01:08:49,240 --> 01:08:51,280
Speaker 1: was parting with the twins, so not even before. That

1402
01:08:52,000 --> 01:08:54,800
Speaker 1: is to give myself grace no matter where I am,

1403
01:08:54,800 --> 01:08:58,719
Speaker 1: whether it's size and weight, or work and mom guilt

1404
01:08:59,439 --> 01:09:03,639
Speaker 1: or any thing, to give myself grace, especially because no

1405
01:09:03,640 --> 01:09:06,880
Speaker 1: one else has to sure for sure, Absolutely, I love that.

1406
01:09:07,720 --> 01:09:12,360
Speaker 1: I think my takeaway is look for inspiration all around you,

1407
01:09:12,479 --> 01:09:14,800
Speaker 1: because both of you women are so inspiring to me.

1408
01:09:14,880 --> 01:09:20,519
Speaker 1: Being being mother's working women multiple children, I find it

1409
01:09:20,560 --> 01:09:23,479
Speaker 1: hard enough doing it with just one. So knowing that

1410
01:09:23,560 --> 01:09:27,360
Speaker 1: it's possible to be as fly and fun as y'all

1411
01:09:27,439 --> 01:09:32,360
Speaker 1: are three babies, it's really amazing. And so I feel

1412
01:09:32,400 --> 01:09:35,799
Speaker 1: like that would be my takeaways to just remind yourself

1413
01:09:35,840 --> 01:09:39,200
Speaker 1: that you you are surrounded by inspiration and sisterhood and

1414
01:09:39,240 --> 01:09:42,200
Speaker 1: tribe at all times, and no matter how many kids.

1415
01:09:42,240 --> 01:09:44,639
Speaker 1: The experience is relatable, and so you have to share.

1416
01:09:44,920 --> 01:09:47,640
Speaker 1: And so I'm I'm very thankful to sit here with

1417
01:09:47,680 --> 01:09:50,280
Speaker 1: you ladies. Thank you so much for that. Melanie. You

1418
01:09:50,280 --> 01:09:52,519
Speaker 1: know it's funny. My moment of truth was actually it

1419
01:09:52,600 --> 01:09:55,320
Speaker 1: came from you, um, something that you said, your brother said,

1420
01:09:55,640 --> 01:09:57,759
Speaker 1: and because I was in tears and cry I couldn't

1421
01:09:57,840 --> 01:09:59,519
Speaker 1: jot it down because I normally will take a note

1422
01:09:59,600 --> 01:10:03,400
Speaker 1: or something sometimes text. Well, actually, let's remember it one

1423
01:10:03,439 --> 01:10:05,799
Speaker 1: more time because I want to get that on the record.

1424
01:10:06,240 --> 01:10:08,840
Speaker 1: He said that the concept is is that you are

1425
01:10:09,680 --> 01:10:13,000
Speaker 1: you are responsible for your partners, um, how your partner

1426
01:10:13,040 --> 01:10:16,360
Speaker 1: is feeling, whether you are right, whether you agree, whether

1427
01:10:17,080 --> 01:10:20,400
Speaker 1: it sounds ridiculous to you, that it is your responsibility

1428
01:10:20,479 --> 01:10:24,920
Speaker 1: to do what you can within your power to help

1429
01:10:25,040 --> 01:10:27,639
Speaker 1: your partner feel better, no matter what that is, whether

1430
01:10:27,680 --> 01:10:32,320
Speaker 1: that is being seen, being heard, acknowledged, um, you know, UM,

1431
01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:36,880
Speaker 1: reminded that they're they're appreciated, whatever, whatever that does, whatever

1432
01:10:36,920 --> 01:10:40,400
Speaker 1: that need is from your partner. Um, it's very important

1433
01:10:40,479 --> 01:10:42,320
Speaker 1: that you are willing to do the work to help

1434
01:10:42,400 --> 01:10:44,200
Speaker 1: get them to a place where they feel good. Again.

1435
01:10:44,400 --> 01:10:46,640
Speaker 1: I love that. Yes, as I get old, Seria and

1436
01:10:46,680 --> 01:10:48,679
Speaker 1: again I'm not going to do it twice on one episode.

1437
01:10:48,680 --> 01:10:53,840
Speaker 1: So no, I'm a thug, I'm from Brooklyn. But yes,

1438
01:10:53,960 --> 01:10:56,200
Speaker 1: that that's amazing and I'm definitely going to jot that down.

1439
01:10:56,240 --> 01:10:58,040
Speaker 1: I'm going to re re listen to this. But thank

1440
01:10:58,040 --> 01:11:00,479
Speaker 1: you ladies so much for joining me here today. Let

1441
01:11:00,520 --> 01:11:02,840
Speaker 1: everyone know where they can find you handles all, I mean,

1442
01:11:03,400 --> 01:11:05,559
Speaker 1: they know what they can, but still handles on Instagram,

1443
01:11:05,560 --> 01:11:07,360
Speaker 1: all the socials and all that kind of stuff. So

1444
01:11:07,520 --> 01:11:09,519
Speaker 1: I am at Cody co c O d I E

1445
01:11:09,640 --> 01:11:12,439
Speaker 1: c O and you can also follow at black Love

1446
01:11:12,640 --> 01:11:16,320
Speaker 1: of course you better be. And I am Melanie Fiona

1447
01:11:16,479 --> 01:11:19,880
Speaker 1: at Melanie Fiona m E l A n I E

1448
01:11:20,000 --> 01:11:22,920
Speaker 1: f I O M A on all handles and on

1449
01:11:22,960 --> 01:11:25,600
Speaker 1: YouTube it's Melanie Fiona TV. I love that. And be

1450
01:11:25,680 --> 01:11:28,680
Speaker 1: sure to follow devlin I on social media Cadeen I

1451
01:11:28,720 --> 01:11:32,400
Speaker 1: am and I am Devil. And if you're listening on Stitcher,

1452
01:11:32,760 --> 01:11:36,120
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or anywhere you listen, be sure to rate,

1453
01:11:36,120 --> 01:11:45,479
Speaker 1: review and subscribe dead Ass. Dead Ass is a production

1454
01:11:45,560 --> 01:11:49,400
Speaker 1: of Stitcher. We are produced by Jackie Soljico and No Opinion.

1455
01:11:49,520 --> 01:11:53,320
Speaker 1: Our executive producer t Square. Our associate producers are Triple

1456
01:11:53,439 --> 01:11:57,080
Speaker 1: and Kristin Torres. Our chief content officer is Chris Bannon,

1457
01:11:57,280 --> 01:12:00,080
Speaker 1: our studio engineer, and original music is by Brent and

1458
01:12:00,200 --> 01:12:02,880
Speaker 1: Burns and last but not least, we are mixed by

1459
01:12:03,000 --> 01:12:13,080
Speaker 1: Andy Kristen's We'll Back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth.

1460
01:12:13,240 --> 01:12:15,160
Speaker 1: We have a podcast going on right now as far

1461
01:12:15,200 --> 01:12:18,160
Speaker 1: as the stitchen Et. We're called Substraction. That's available every

1462
01:12:18,200 --> 01:12:22,439
Speaker 1: we get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple Go listen

1463
01:12:22,520 --> 01:12:24,720
Speaker 1: right now to the Distraction right now. It's out do

1464
01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:25,280
Speaker 1: it Least