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Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. Oh

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Speaker 1: now the deep State has done it. Now the deep

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Speaker 1: State has made its twenty seven dimensional chess move to

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Speaker 1: cement the place of the conspiracy, and it will be

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Speaker 1: left only to a few patriots and the Dilbert guy

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Speaker 1: to carry the tarch of truth and bad comic strips

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Speaker 1: alone and at great risk to themselves and in the darkness,

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Speaker 1: which at least explains why Dilbert was such a bad

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Speaker 1: comic strip. We the where we go round the Mulberry Bush.

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Speaker 1: We all go round the Mulberry Bush crowd. We knew

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Speaker 1: it was the matrix, and we red pilled or we

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Speaker 1: blue pilled. I can never keep that straight, but we

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Speaker 1: knew it didn't add up because ray Epps had never

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Speaker 1: been charged. And now those evil genius deep State pastards

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Speaker 1: have charged ray Epps. You could get a suspended sentence

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Speaker 1: and a five hundred dollars fine. Do you know how

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Speaker 1: much money five hundred dollars is?

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Speaker 2: No?

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Speaker 1: I'm asking do you because a lot of us here

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Speaker 1: in QAnon Land we have problems with simple math like

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Speaker 1: that is five hundred dollars like more than a million,

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Speaker 1: or as you know, January sixth was orchestrated by Nancy

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Speaker 1: Pelosi to increase the viewership of her daughter's HBO documentary

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Speaker 1: about Nancy Pelosi. And it was executed by George Soros,

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Speaker 1: Ray Epps, Liz Cheney, Jeffrey Epstein who you only think

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Speaker 1: is dead and you only think is pronounced Epstein, Jane Fonda,

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Speaker 1: Hunter Biden, Antifa and its head that actress Queen Antifa

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Speaker 1: and Brian Stelter and John Fetterman and John Fetterman's body

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Speaker 1: double replacement, not the original one, but the new one

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Speaker 1: with the better ears. It was a conspiracy so vast

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Speaker 1: that only when two superheroes from different Marvel universes joined forces,

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Speaker 1: Kevin McCarthy, the greatest speaker of the House of Representatives

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Speaker 1: in the last eight months, and Tucker Carlson, remember Tucker Carlson.

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Speaker 1: Only when they joined forces was this evil exposed. The

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Speaker 1: video proves this plus on Twitter the video it's been

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Speaker 1: seen well over eleventy billion times. The conspiracy to frame

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Speaker 1: Donald Trump. How could he hate America? He has a flag,

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Speaker 1: he hugs the flag, and he has a baseball cap

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Speaker 1: that not only says America but also says great. The

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Speaker 1: conspiracy to frame this God is the greatest conspiracy in

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Speaker 1: the history of the world, and it was designed to

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Speaker 1: make it look like Trump lost the twenty twenty election,

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Speaker 1: and to destroy John Voight's chances of winning a Lifetime

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Speaker 1: Achievement award at the Oscars, and to make Joe Rogan

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Speaker 1: look stupid, well more stupid. And then when the league happened,

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Speaker 1: the provocateur, the FBI plant who started it all, who

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Speaker 1: years ago joined the oathkeepers and rose through the ranks

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Speaker 1: for that one moment, the mole, the man who's faulted

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Speaker 1: all his ray Epps. He's the one who talked to

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Speaker 1: all the Trump supporters into going into the Capitol, even

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Speaker 1: though the other part of this conspiracy tells us that

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Speaker 1: everybody who went into the capital was Antifa. When it

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Speaker 1: was revealed by the investigative team of Maria Bartiromo and

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Speaker 1: Cat Turd that the Feds left one nearly invisible loose

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Speaker 1: thread that the deep State claimed ray Epps was not

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Speaker 1: a plant, yet they never charged ray Epps when they

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Speaker 1: saw they had left that one thread and it was

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Speaker 1: being pulled on. Suddenly, suddenly, yesterday, suddenly the FEDS charged

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Speaker 1: ray Apps and the masterminds behind this vast earth shattering

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Speaker 1: conspiracy decided to cover their tracks and silence all protest

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Speaker 1: forever by charging him with one misdemeanor count of disruptive conduct.

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Speaker 1: And he's pleading guilty today because yeah, yeah, it's all

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Speaker 1: a plot to make Trump look bad, like he isn't

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Speaker 1: the greatest asset we have in making himself look bad

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Speaker 1: and the vast left wing conspiracy. We thought we would

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Speaker 1: just shut all the talk about it being a conspiracy

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Speaker 1: down by charging Ray Epps with one count which could

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Speaker 1: see him find nearly five hundred dollars. Nothing to see here,

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Speaker 1: right wingers move on. And yet there it is across

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Speaker 1: right wing looney tunes Land, the utter conviction, the absolute

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Speaker 1: certainty from each of them that they and they alone

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Speaker 1: have noticed that Epps was only charged with one negligible offense,

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Speaker 1: and seemingly he already made a plea deal, and that

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Speaker 1: the rest of the world did not notice everybody but Cattard,

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Speaker 1: who valiantly stood up and braved probably assassination by typing,

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Speaker 1: you're not fooling anyone, FEDS. And of course also the

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Speaker 1: other one who noticed was Michael T forty seven, proud

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Speaker 1: Navy vet, who alone other than kat Turd deduced that

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Speaker 1: EPP's got a fine and a misdemeanor. Wake up. If

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Speaker 1: it was staged and you sit in you wonder, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I get how you could be so stupid is to

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Speaker 1: think Trump did not incite the insurrection on January sixth,

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Speaker 1: didn't depend upon it happening, didn't lead it from behind.

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Speaker 1: I get that. To go on believing in this utter fraud,

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Speaker 1: you have to have some kind of conspiracy theory. But

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Speaker 1: how could you go beyond that level of stupidity into

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Speaker 1: an utterly different universe of stupidity in which the grand

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Speaker 1: conspiracy that fooled hundreds of millions of people, not just

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Speaker 1: here but around the world, which is flat The Grand

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Speaker 1: Conspiracy included somebody who said, and then our endgame, George

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Speaker 1: is we fine? Ray Ebbs, five hundred fish and the

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Speaker 1: conspiracy is erased forever. Checkmate, cat Turd, Yeah yeah, Q

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Speaker 1: and honors and trumpists and people who think James Woods

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Speaker 1: was a great actor. You got us, We thought, if

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Speaker 1: we staged this thing where mister Epps and honestly, I'm

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Speaker 1: surprised you missed our little Easter egg clue in their

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Speaker 1: Epps Epstein, am I right. We thought, if we staged

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Speaker 1: this thing, where to call him by his correct name,

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Speaker 1: Commander Epps of the interstellar Sorosian Empire agreed to submit

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Speaker 1: himself briefly to earthly justice and to be charged with

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Speaker 1: misdemeanor disruptive conduct here on Earth five hundred dollars up

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Speaker 1: to ninety days in jail. Do the math. Oh sorry,

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Speaker 1: not ninety days is like three months, depending on which

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Speaker 1: months you pick. I know they don't all have the

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Speaker 1: same number of days. I get confused to not just you.

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Speaker 1: We thought if we did that, you all would never notice,

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Speaker 1: and finally this thing could be put to bed, and

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Speaker 1: then it would be all over, and we would have

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Speaker 1: made not just Trump look bad, but all Republicans look bad.

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Speaker 1: Because Republicans are not making themselves look bad at the

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Speaker 1: moment at all. We need a conspiracy right now to

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Speaker 1: make the Republicans look bad because they couldn't pass any

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Speaker 1: spending bills at all, even the one for the Pentagon.

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Speaker 1: And just because an independent and freelance journalist named Matt

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Speaker 1: Laslow had to use the bathroom at the Capitol yesterday

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Speaker 1: and the one he chose had a baby changing station,

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Speaker 1: and there on the right fold it over was one

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Speaker 1: sheet of paper, and when Laslow unfold it read one

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Speaker 1: and eighteenth Congress, first Session House Resolution, and then where

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Speaker 1: the number goes after House resolution, it was blank and

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Speaker 1: then declaring the Office of Speaker of the House of

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Speaker 1: Representatives to be vacant, followed by resolution declaring the Office

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Speaker 1: of Speaker of the House of Representatives to be vacant,

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Speaker 1: followed by resolved that the Office of Speaker of the

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Speaker 1: House of Representatives is hereby declared to be vacant. And oh,

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Speaker 1: by the way, upper left corner on this one page

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Speaker 1: found at the baby changing station is the printer code

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Speaker 1: and it reads g Colan backslash m backslash one eight,

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Speaker 1: backslash Gates, backslash Gates again underscore one nine four dot XML.

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Speaker 1: A reporter found a motion to vacate that had been

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Speaker 1: printed by Gates and left at a baby changing station

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Speaker 1: in the Capitol. A motion to o Kevin McCarthy as

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Speaker 1: Speaker printed by Gates. Which baby was being changed? Was

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Speaker 1: it Bobert or was it Marjorie Taylor Green? Hours after

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Speaker 1: punch Bowl News had scooped that you should expect a

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Speaker 1: motion to vacate sometime this week. Hours after Congress, and

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Speaker 1: ken Buck said there really would not be a move

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Speaker 1: to actually oust Kevin McCarthy unless he went to the

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Speaker 1: Democrats for help passing a continuing resolution, And then ken

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Speaker 1: Bud said they really did need to pass a continuing resolution.

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Speaker 1: He didn't see how it could happen unless McCarthy goes

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Speaker 1: to the Democrats for you, Matt, what happened to your

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Speaker 1: motion to vacate? I thought we were doing it this week.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I must have left it somewhere. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I retraced my steps. I only made my usual stops yesterday,

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Speaker 1: gun polishing machine, hair wax dispenser on the third floor.

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Speaker 1: I stopped by the local high school cheerleaders practice baby station,

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Speaker 1: where I get all my ideas, and of course I

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Speaker 1: went to my secret daily meeting with Commander Epps of

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Speaker 1: the interstellar Serocian Empire. The Republicans are stupid, thank god.

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Speaker 1: Four out of ten Union households voted Republican in twenty

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Speaker 1: twenty in the presidential election. So they asked this bonehead

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Speaker 1: presidential wannabe, Senator Tim I'm not fooling anybody Scott about

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Speaker 1: the UAW strike, and he said he believed all strikers

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Speaker 1: should be fired, just like Reagan did to the federal

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Speaker 1: employees in nineteen eighty one. Golly, I didn't know the

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Speaker 1: auto workers were federal employees. Tim, did your girlfriend tell

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Speaker 1: you that Trump has attacked Biden again? But something has

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Speaker 1: newly occurred to him? And which one of them is

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Speaker 1: he is mentally unfit to be president or too old

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Speaker 1: for something like? I don't know. Remembering last week I

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Speaker 1: ask he wrote, why hasn't the Republican Party begun the

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Speaker 1: process of invoking the twenty fifth Amendment against Biden? And

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Speaker 1: I mean it's it's academic, I know, but just this once,

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Speaker 1: I feel like I really need to know if, after

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Speaker 1: all the talk that the twenty fifth Amendment might be

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Speaker 1: invoked against him when he was president, I mean, it

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Speaker 1: registered enough with him that he seems to have remembered

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Speaker 1: that it is a process and it is the twenty

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Speaker 1: fifth and in fact it is invoked. I really need

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Speaker 1: to know since he remembered all that, if he's too

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Speaker 1: dumb to realize that the presidential cabinet invokes the twenty

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Speaker 1: fifth Amendment, not Congress. Congress wouldn't get involved until later,

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Speaker 1: or he's just in his usual stance that his supporters

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Speaker 1: are too dumb to realize that the presidentsidential cabinet and

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Speaker 1: not the Congress, invokes the twenty fifth Amendment right that

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Speaker 1: Biden should be removed under the nineteenth Amendment. You can

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Speaker 1: hear Trump saying, and Walt Naude, double shifting as secretary

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Speaker 1: to cover his legal bills, says, but mister Almighty President,

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Speaker 1: your highness, the nineteenth Amendment was the one that gave

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Speaker 1: women the right to vote. And Trump says, what's the difference?

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Speaker 1: These morons are dumb enough to vote for me, How

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Speaker 1: they gonna know which amendment is which? In fact, don't

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Speaker 1: even write amendment right, agamemnon, call it the nineteenth agamemnon.

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Speaker 1: See if anybody notices, See if that idiot cat turd notices. Lastly,

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Speaker 1: on this topic, last night, all but three Republican senators

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Speaker 1: wrote to Majority Leader Schumer about the nation's grave crisis.

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Speaker 1: The casual attire in the Senate scandal following casual clothing

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Speaker 1: on the Senate floor disrespects the institution we serve and

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Speaker 1: the American families we represent, wrote Senator Rick Scott. Every

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Speaker 1: day goes on to the Senate floor dressed like Voldemort

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Speaker 1: from Harry Potter Rick Scott, whose campaign website is still

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Speaker 1: up and shows him wearing a light blue plaid work

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Speaker 1: shirt and a baseball cap, and whose party is run

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Speaker 1: by a guy who wears a different colored baseball cap

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Speaker 1: and bronzer and sprays his hair with gold rustolium number

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Speaker 1: two four five two two one. Let us give thanks.

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Speaker 1: Republicans are this dumb, because of course Democrats are largely

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Speaker 1: uninspired and incompetent. And if Republicans were not this dumb,

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Speaker 1: I would be recording this in the salt mine I

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Speaker 1: slaved in, and you would be listening to it in

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Speaker 1: the one you slave in. Also of interest here, and

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry if I'm a little wackier than usual, but

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Speaker 1: the United Nations is here around my house, and I

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Speaker 1: walked among them for like three hours yesterday, and it's

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Speaker 1: hard to believe that there could be a class of

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Speaker 1: people more shocked and frozen in place by tall buildings

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Speaker 1: and traffic and dogs on leashes, more shocked by that

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Speaker 1: than the regular tourists of this town. But the UN staffers,

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Speaker 1: they are that group, and we block all the streets

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Speaker 1: off for them, I guess, so they don't disappear into

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Speaker 1: the ether while trying to decipher our parking and no

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Speaker 1: parking signs and regulations. AnyWho, So they fired a teacher

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Speaker 1: for reading the diary of a franc to her eighth graders.

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Speaker 1: That's next. This is countdown. This is countdown with Keith Olberman. Wait,

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Speaker 1: who was that? I know? Who is that? Still ahead

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Speaker 1: on countdown? I'll tell you later. Good day to tell again.

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Speaker 1: My favorite near death experience at the hands of an

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Speaker 1: ex president of CNN and MSNBC. My least favorite near

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Speaker 1: death experience is un week. Surprisingly enough, this man was

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Speaker 1: the only one of my former bosses to actually try

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Speaker 1: to kill me. So far, things I promise not to tell.

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Speaker 1: Coming up first time for the daily roundup of the miscreants, Morons,

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Speaker 1: Dunn and Kruger effect specimens who constant to today's worse

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Speaker 1: persons from the US, worst persons in the world, the Brons.

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Speaker 1: To Peter Baker of The New York Times, Pete is

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Speaker 1: having quite the week. On Sunday, it was he who

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Speaker 1: was chosen to appear on Meet the Press after Kristen

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Speaker 1: Welker ended her career by treating Trump like somebody. Dateline

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Speaker 1: was doing the feature on because he had invented a

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Speaker 1: new mascara for men and it had caused blindness. Yesterday,

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Speaker 1: Peter Baker was on MSNBC Day Side, Home of various

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Speaker 1: anchors whose contracts have not yet expired, explaining that one

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Speaker 1: of the things making President Biden's job more difficult at

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Speaker 1: the moment was quote a tough column by David Ignacious.

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Speaker 1: Now that name, David Ignacious, that might ring a distant

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Speaker 1: bell for you. I sort of knew who he was.

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Speaker 1: He's the guy who always wrote in the Post about

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Speaker 1: how wonderful the CIA is. And of course, as everybody

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Speaker 1: at home knows, he once won the Prestigio Gerald Lobe

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Speaker 1: Award for Distinguished Financial Journalism. Gerald Loeb was a founding

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Speaker 1: partner of EF Hutton, so you can guess that the

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Speaker 1: award usually goes to somebody who writes something on the

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Speaker 1: lines of money is good. Spend your life trying to

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Speaker 1: accumulate your share and that of as many of your

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Speaker 1: rivals as you can manage. EF Hutton says the idea

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Speaker 1: that President Biden's job is affected by a tough column

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Speaker 1: by David Ignacious is a hilarious and desperate piece of

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Speaker 1: self justification by Peter Baker. I mean, do you think

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Speaker 1: when I did the original special comments, I thought that

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Speaker 1: George Bush gave a damn about what I was saying.

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Speaker 1: Good God, and I was on TV. Biden's job is

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Speaker 1: not affected by any David Ignacious column, tough or otherwise.

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Speaker 1: Biden's job is not affected by whether or not there

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Speaker 1: is a David Ignacious. But a guy from the New

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Speaker 1: York Times thinks the column from the Washington Post is decisive.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I guess I should count my blessings here

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Speaker 1: that a Times guy thinks a column from the Washington

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Speaker 1: Post matters to the president. Usually Times guys only think

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Speaker 1: columns in the Times matter to the president the runner

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Speaker 1: up Trump. This is besides the usual serious crap. This

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Speaker 1: is just the stupid stuff he says, and not enough

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Speaker 1: people point and go. Isn't he too old and too

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Speaker 1: brain addled and too demented, and too stupid and too

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Speaker 1: bumbling and too given to malapropisms and too incapable of

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Speaker 1: spelling to be president? He was asked about Governor Christy

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Speaker 1: Nome of South Dakota, North Dakota. Christy Nome is a

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Speaker 1: governor from somewhere west of Cleveland. Christy Nome is still

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Speaker 1: being mentioned as a potential vice presidential pick, even after

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Speaker 1: it was revealed that she's been carrying on an affair

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Speaker 1: with Corey Lewandowski, the former Trump campaign manager and so

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Speaker 1: actual harasser and woman shover. Trump did not stop by

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Speaker 1: Our planet Earth before he offered his comment on get

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Speaker 1: Christy Nomes love. Quote, She's been a great governor. She

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Speaker 1: gave me a full throated endorsement. Thank god, Oh my god,

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, full throated endorsement. It's okay, but the winner.

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Speaker 1: Dwyane Augustine, I mean, I thought we were talking about

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Speaker 1: Boulbart here for a moment. Dwayne Augustine, superintendent of the

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Speaker 1: Hampshire Fennette Independent School District in Texas. Independent as a

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Speaker 1: brand name. Superintendent Augustine and his school district have fired

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Speaker 1: an unidentified teacher after parent complaints that the teacher read

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Speaker 1: a graphic novel to her eighth graders, We Could Go Today.

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Speaker 1: It contained references to sexuality, originally written by a teenaged

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Speaker 1: girl nearly eighty years ago. The school district is now

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Speaker 1: investigating whether the book was approved by the principle, so

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Speaker 1: she might be fired too. Quote. The reading of that

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Speaker 1: content will cease immediately. Your student's teacher will communicate her

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Speaker 1: apologies to you and your students soon as she has

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Speaker 1: expressed those apologies to us, wrote the head of communications

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Speaker 1: for the school district, who obviously dropped out in the

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Speaker 1: third grade. Your student's teacher will communicate her apologies as

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Speaker 1: she is what Actually the teacher is busy hiring a lawyer.

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Speaker 1: And if our nation could hire a lawyer and sue

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Speaker 1: the Hampshire Finnet Independent School District it's between Beaumont Houston,

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Speaker 1: that'd be good too, because the book the teacher was

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Speaker 1: fired for reading was the graphic novel version of the

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Speaker 1: Diary of On Frock because of the sexual content, the

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Speaker 1: sexual content that eighth graders don't know about. Did anybody

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Speaker 1: go to the eighth grade.

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Speaker 2: In the Hampshire Finnet Independent School District. I mean, obviously

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Speaker 2: not the spokesman, but I mean, anybody remember the eighth grade.

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Speaker 2: Middle of the eighth grade, one of my classmates dropped

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Speaker 2: out because she was pregnant. Dwayne Augustine, superintendent of the

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Speaker 2: Hampshire Finnette Independent School District in Texas, who has no

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Speaker 2: idea what eighth graders know about sex already? And who

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Speaker 2: probably doesn't know who en franc was and has no

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Speaker 2: idea that he is now part of the persecution of

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Speaker 2: knowledge and should be banned from our educational system. I mean,

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Speaker 2: the one here on earth, today's worst person in the.

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Speaker 1: Finally a number one story in the Countdown Things. I

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Speaker 1: promised not to tell him. Back to my favorite topic, me,

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Speaker 1: How exactly was I supposed to tell the police that

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Speaker 1: the man threatened to kill me was the president of MSNBC.

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Speaker 1: He was chasing me through the studios. He was too

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Speaker 1: overweight to run. But even though he inexplicably lied and

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Speaker 1: said he was six foot seven, at six foot five,

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Speaker 1: this guy his name was Rick Kaplan, and he was

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Speaker 1: the soon to be ex president of MSNBC, just as

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Speaker 1: he was already the ex president of CNN. He still

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Speaker 1: had strides as long as my own. Plus On that

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Speaker 1: night of August eighth, two thousand and five, I was multitasking.

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Speaker 1: I was trying to mentally record everything he was shouting,

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Speaker 1: while also drawing him away from the live microphones of

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Speaker 1: the live studio in which he had started shouting, while

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Speaker 1: also phishing for my office key so I could lock

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Speaker 1: myself in there if need be, while also figuring out

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Speaker 1: how I would hit him if it came to that,

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Speaker 1: while also trying to register the superb double takes from

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Speaker 1: my colleagues past, whom he was stomping like an out

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Speaker 1: of shape Frankenstein, while also trying to suppress an overwhelming

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Speaker 1: and seemingly inappropriate desire to burst into laughter while still

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Speaker 1: game planning the soon to be inevitable called to the

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Speaker 1: cops a beautiful downtown Secaucus, New Jersey. Hi. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: he's trying to kill me my boss, the president of MSNBC. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: the cable television network. Yeah, exactly down the street from

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Speaker 1: the London Fog Outlet store. Yeah, one MSNBC Plaza. I

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Speaker 1: know it's a dumb address. He's about sixty to seventy

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Speaker 1: five two hundred and eighty pounds. By the way, he

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Speaker 1: says he's six foot seven, but he's only six foot five.

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Speaker 1: Why Why does he lie about his height or why

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Speaker 1: is he trying to kill right? Well, I did a

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Speaker 1: commentary urging the viewers to stop smoking, and he's afraid

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Speaker 1: of the mention of blood. Hello. Hello. As all of

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Speaker 1: this played out in my head, President Kaplan was huffing

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Speaker 1: and puffing his way through our giant studio, weaving through

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Speaker 1: the news assignment area, past the makeup room, down the hallways,

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Speaker 1: nearing the offices of my show countdown, and passed the

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Speaker 1: bank of a couple of one hundred television monitors with

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Speaker 1: a different face on every one of them, each seemingly

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Speaker 1: staring slack jawed at the executive, screaming threats at the

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Speaker 1: only guy on his own network who got any ratings.

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Speaker 1: I'll pay you back, I'll get you I'll finish your

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Speaker 1: I'll tell y'all. This had all begun roughly ten days earlier,

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Speaker 1: in late July two thousand and five, an oral surgeon

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Speaker 1: who had intended to examine a growth on the roof

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Speaker 1: of my mouth that instead, with one pale look, silently

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Speaker 1: betrayed his suspicion that it was cancerous. Then he cut

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Speaker 1: the whole thing out. I was on my way to

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Speaker 1: work anyway, It was too late to get a replacement,

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Speaker 1: and I was bleeding so much that our technical director

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Speaker 1: and I decided to pre record all of my on

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Speaker 1: camera segments for that night's show, thus reducing the chances

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Speaker 1: of viewers hearing me say President Bush today while blood

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Speaker 1: oozed out of my mouth over my teeth and lips

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Speaker 1: and onto the desk like I was dracul Anchor. When

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Speaker 1: the following Wednesday I got the unexpected all clear from

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Speaker 1: the surgeon's office, I decided to devote some of each

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Speaker 1: night's newscast to a campaign to help viewers and myself

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Speaker 1: quit smoking. My premise was a simple one that I

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Speaker 1: had never heard argued before and have rarely heard argued since,

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Speaker 1: that it would be a lot easier to quit if

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Speaker 1: you didn't have cancer then if you did have cancer.

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Speaker 1: I pitched my producers on the series. I went into

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Speaker 1: Rick Kaplan's office to get his seal of approval. He

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Speaker 1: was enthusiastic and supportive, and most rare of all, he

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Speaker 1: was paying attention. And then I said, I was also

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Speaker 1: going to point out that if you got the good

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Speaker 1: outcome like I had, they would merely stick a laser

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Speaker 1: in your mouth, and you'd smell your own flesh burning

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Speaker 1: for like forty eight hours, and you'd have to keep

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Speaker 1: spitting out your own blood. Don't say that. He suddenly

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Speaker 1: threw his meaty hands out towards me in a strangling gesture,

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Speaker 1: and then just as quickly clamped them over his own

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Speaker 1: ears and closed his eyes and began actually screaming no

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Speaker 1: no no no no no no no no no no

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Speaker 1: no no. I thought he had gone crazy, as it

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Speaker 1: proved he was just practicing for going crazy. Later, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 1: I'm squeamish. I got the point. I just can't findle

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Speaker 1: references to, you know, uh, the red stuff. Go ahead

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Speaker 1: with the series. Just tone down the uh the red stuff.

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Speaker 1: I toned down the red stuff. And my executive producer

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Speaker 1: is he Povich, sent him the scripts and he told

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Speaker 1: her to tone down the red stuff a little more.

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Speaker 1: And I went and I did that too. We all

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Speaker 1: decided to start the anti smoking series the following Monday,

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Speaker 1: August eighth, two thousand and five. By nauseating coincidence, that

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Speaker 1: was the day after the ABC anchorman Peter Jennings had

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Speaker 1: died of lung cancer. The MSNBC president had been a

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Speaker 1: producer on jennings newscast. I had long since written and

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Speaker 1: recorded jennings obituary, and now this somewhat cold, but still

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Speaker 1: journalistically valid segue would have to be made. We would

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Speaker 1: have to go directly from the twelve minute long Jennings

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Speaker 1: Oh bit to the start of our anti tobacco campaign

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Speaker 1: eight or nine minutes into that pre recorded Jennings obituary,

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Speaker 1: Rick Kaplan came out of his office and walked the

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Speaker 1: fifty feet or so through the vast open newsroom to

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Speaker 1: where my anchor desk was. His eyes were full of tears.

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Speaker 1: This is wonderful, he said quietly. Peter would have liked this.

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Speaker 1: He gave me a thumbs up. Then he walked to

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Speaker 1: a second desk another fifty feet away, where his first

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Speaker 1: big high, a woman named Rita Cosby, was about to

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Speaker 1: premiere his first big gamble, her new show immediately following mine.

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Speaker 1: I was actually moved by Rick Caplan's comment. I did

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Speaker 1: not once think of phoning the Secaucus police. But then

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Speaker 1: I began the anti smoking segment, and as I focused

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Speaker 1: on the camera and the teleprompter in front of me

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Speaker 1: and detailed the blood and the gore and the spitting

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Speaker 1: and how that was the good outcome, out of the

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Speaker 1: corner of my eye I saw this weird sight. The

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Speaker 1: President again left his office and waddled out along the

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Speaker 1: wall thirty feet ahead of me in the general direction

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Speaker 1: of the control rooms. Within moments, as I continued to

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Speaker 1: read my script, he was back in the studio and

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Speaker 1: standing right next to my camera, gesticulating wildly. I said,

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Speaker 1: they never say it, but wouldn't it be really easier

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Speaker 1: to quit smoking when you didn't have cancer than when

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Speaker 1: you did? And Caplan responded with the same two handed

428
00:30:00,595 --> 00:30:03,955
Speaker 1: choking gesture he had made briefly in his office much earlier.

429
00:30:04,675 --> 00:30:07,915
Speaker 1: Assumed there was some simple problem like that the building

430
00:30:07,995 --> 00:30:10,635
Speaker 1: was on fire, but I calculated that I could still

431
00:30:10,635 --> 00:30:12,875
Speaker 1: make it to the show's scheduled finished time eight fifty

432
00:30:12,995 --> 00:30:17,595
Speaker 1: nine fifty nine EDT and still survive even if others perished.

433
00:30:18,435 --> 00:30:20,795
Speaker 1: That's countdown for this the eight hundred and thirtieth day

434
00:30:20,835 --> 00:30:23,875
Speaker 1: since the declaration of mission accomplished in Iraq. I'm Keith Oulderman.

435
00:30:23,915 --> 00:30:28,395
Speaker 1: Goodnight and good luck your sliver. Rick Kaplan suddenly screamed

436
00:30:29,155 --> 00:30:31,995
Speaker 1: from the other anchor desk. I could hear, and this

437
00:30:32,115 --> 00:30:35,635
Speaker 1: is my impression of her. Good evening. I'm Rita Cosby.

438
00:30:35,795 --> 00:30:38,595
Speaker 1: This is Rita Cosby, Live and direct with Rita Cosby,

439
00:30:38,835 --> 00:30:42,155
Speaker 1: and I'm Rita Cosby. She was not a big woman,

440
00:30:42,195 --> 00:30:43,835
Speaker 1: but she had a voice on her like the horn

441
00:30:44,235 --> 00:30:47,115
Speaker 1: on the Staten Island ferry if it had a cold.

442
00:30:48,035 --> 00:30:51,235
Speaker 1: You are over the top. You aren't disgusting. My first

443
00:30:51,315 --> 00:30:54,075
Speaker 1: thought was that Kamplin had forgotten that microphones fifty feet

444
00:30:54,075 --> 00:30:56,675
Speaker 1: away were live during the premiere of his pet project,

445
00:30:57,115 --> 00:31:01,315
Speaker 1: sh Rina is On. I actually whispered to him, silly me,

446
00:31:01,955 --> 00:31:04,715
Speaker 1: I don't get a half the three days on, I

447
00:31:04,795 --> 00:31:06,755
Speaker 1: told by is He Povish that the piece was over

448
00:31:06,835 --> 00:31:09,515
Speaker 1: the top and you needed to cut it, and you didn't.

449
00:31:10,835 --> 00:31:13,035
Speaker 1: I still couldn't bring myself to yell back her in

450
00:31:13,075 --> 00:31:15,795
Speaker 1: a live studio. I did cut it, and eas He

451
00:31:15,875 --> 00:31:17,915
Speaker 1: read it and approved it, and she said you had too.

452
00:31:18,395 --> 00:31:21,635
Speaker 1: And Rita's premier is going on over there in that

453
00:31:21,755 --> 00:31:24,355
Speaker 1: sort of direction. Maybe you should yell at me closer

454
00:31:24,395 --> 00:31:27,035
Speaker 1: to the assignment desk. Maybe I don't give a crap.

455
00:31:27,155 --> 00:31:29,195
Speaker 1: If is He approved it, then she's an ass and

456
00:31:29,275 --> 00:31:31,675
Speaker 1: I can't trust you. I can't trust you. You're all idiots.

457
00:31:31,875 --> 00:31:33,715
Speaker 1: I can't believe you did this to me. I'm trying

458
00:31:33,715 --> 00:31:35,555
Speaker 1: to get Rita's show off the ground, and you start

459
00:31:35,555 --> 00:31:39,875
Speaker 1: talking about spitting blood into a garbage can. Well, now

460
00:31:39,915 --> 00:31:43,555
Speaker 1: I was getting angry. I couldn't resist. Yes, Rita is

461
00:31:43,675 --> 00:31:46,515
Speaker 1: in fact live and direct from that desk right over there.

462
00:31:46,635 --> 00:31:49,275
Speaker 1: And if you'll notice, she keeps looking over here at

463
00:31:49,355 --> 00:31:53,195
Speaker 1: us wondering why you are yelling during the first minutes

464
00:31:53,235 --> 00:31:56,835
Speaker 1: of her first show, So why don't we move over here? Rick?

465
00:31:57,595 --> 00:32:00,035
Speaker 1: I began to move away from him, and we're walking

466
00:32:00,195 --> 00:32:03,475
Speaker 1: away from the live Maa Mike's and we're walking and

467
00:32:03,595 --> 00:32:06,555
Speaker 1: we're walking, and Rick and walking because the noise isn't

468
00:32:06,595 --> 00:32:10,035
Speaker 1: really professional. Well we're not talking professionals, are we We're

469
00:32:10,035 --> 00:32:13,995
Speaker 1: talking idiots. We were walking and he was still screaming,

470
00:32:14,395 --> 00:32:17,675
Speaker 1: you're idiots. I will never trust you again. He had

471
00:32:17,715 --> 00:32:20,715
Speaker 1: begun to trot or stumble or whatever he was doing.

472
00:32:20,835 --> 00:32:23,475
Speaker 1: This is not over. I will pay you back self

473
00:32:23,515 --> 00:32:26,275
Speaker 1: serving garbage. I will get you and I'll get that

474
00:32:26,475 --> 00:32:29,035
Speaker 1: A hole is he for not staying here and reading

475
00:32:29,075 --> 00:32:31,235
Speaker 1: that script? How many times did you intend to say

476
00:32:31,315 --> 00:32:33,835
Speaker 1: spit blood into a garbage can before I stopped too.

477
00:32:35,395 --> 00:32:38,355
Speaker 1: I now realized what he thought had happened, as he

478
00:32:38,395 --> 00:32:41,635
Speaker 1: had gestured spasmodically at me while he stood next to

479
00:32:41,715 --> 00:32:45,115
Speaker 1: my camera. I briefly let my focus shift to amazement

480
00:32:45,115 --> 00:32:46,995
Speaker 1: at the fact that this guy, who had been in

481
00:32:47,075 --> 00:32:50,555
Speaker 1: TV news for twenty five years, knew almost nothing about

482
00:32:50,555 --> 00:32:54,595
Speaker 1: how TV worked. I explained to him that Izzy and

483
00:32:54,635 --> 00:32:56,675
Speaker 1: one of her assistants and I had gone over the

484
00:32:56,715 --> 00:33:01,315
Speaker 1: script several times and taken out half of the Gorrier references.

485
00:33:01,595 --> 00:33:04,435
Speaker 1: Then they suck at television. And since I can't trust

486
00:33:04,435 --> 00:33:06,715
Speaker 1: any here, since they won't stand up to you and

487
00:33:06,835 --> 00:33:10,515
Speaker 1: edit the script, since you obviously bullied them. He bawled

488
00:33:10,595 --> 00:33:13,795
Speaker 1: up his fist and stomped his foot on the floor

489
00:33:14,115 --> 00:33:16,955
Speaker 1: as he called me a bully. Now going to have

490
00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:22,275
Speaker 1: to approve every piece of your copy. By this point,

491
00:33:22,355 --> 00:33:25,315
Speaker 1: I was backing into the countdown work area with its

492
00:33:25,435 --> 00:33:28,595
Speaker 1: array of desks and all the producers Kaplin had just insulted,

493
00:33:28,635 --> 00:33:30,635
Speaker 1: and I knew one of them would dial the phone

494
00:33:30,635 --> 00:33:33,995
Speaker 1: when I said, call the cops and call this lunatics boss,

495
00:33:34,755 --> 00:33:36,835
Speaker 1: did you hear me? And if you don't like it

496
00:33:36,875 --> 00:33:38,635
Speaker 1: and you don't want to come into work tomorrow, that's

497
00:33:38,675 --> 00:33:42,795
Speaker 1: fine too. I never did get that part, but now

498
00:33:42,875 --> 00:33:45,155
Speaker 1: I had him. I crossed my arms in front of

499
00:33:45,195 --> 00:33:48,355
Speaker 1: my chest slowly, like you have seen every news anchor

500
00:33:48,435 --> 00:33:51,475
Speaker 1: do in every television news promo ever shown in the

501
00:33:51,515 --> 00:33:54,795
Speaker 1: history of the world. I flashed as evil a slow

502
00:33:54,835 --> 00:33:59,115
Speaker 1: mo smile as I could, Oh, I'll be here tomorrow,

503
00:33:59,675 --> 00:34:02,835
Speaker 1: and then I made a sweeping gesture back towards my staff,

504
00:34:03,435 --> 00:34:06,955
Speaker 1: who were both, of course literally and figuratively behind me,

505
00:34:07,315 --> 00:34:12,635
Speaker 1: and so will all of them. Suddenly, at that point,

506
00:34:12,635 --> 00:34:15,595
Speaker 1: for no apparent reason, Rick Caplan's hysterics were replaced by

507
00:34:15,675 --> 00:34:19,835
Speaker 1: mere confusion. He even stopped huffing at almost normal volume.

508
00:34:19,875 --> 00:34:24,475
Speaker 1: He asked me all of who. Only at this point

509
00:34:24,555 --> 00:34:27,755
Speaker 1: did I turn around to discover that my entire staff

510
00:34:27,795 --> 00:34:31,235
Speaker 1: had already left the building. There was nobody there behind me.

511
00:34:32,755 --> 00:34:35,395
Speaker 1: Of course, there was nobody there, As I Povich told

512
00:34:35,395 --> 00:34:37,795
Speaker 1: me later, he went into the control room and threatened

513
00:34:37,835 --> 00:34:40,235
Speaker 1: all of them first, So we got on the phone

514
00:34:40,275 --> 00:34:41,915
Speaker 1: back to the office to tell everybody to get the

515
00:34:41,955 --> 00:34:45,035
Speaker 1: hell out of the building. She paused and laughed. I mean,

516
00:34:45,035 --> 00:34:50,515
Speaker 1: we love you, but we're not crazy. Rick Caplan's exorcism

517
00:34:50,595 --> 00:34:54,235
Speaker 1: was a brief one. He began screaming again, I'm gonna

518
00:34:54,235 --> 00:34:56,955
Speaker 1: hand your career tomorrow. I'm going to completely f you up.

519
00:34:58,155 --> 00:35:00,755
Speaker 1: He turned and stumbled away from my office. Good luck

520
00:35:00,835 --> 00:35:05,795
Speaker 1: sleeping tonight. I slept like a stone, and not because

521
00:35:05,835 --> 00:35:08,395
Speaker 1: Kaplin had previously threatened to fire me for not leaving

522
00:35:08,395 --> 00:35:11,315
Speaker 1: my father's bedside after what they thought was a heart

523
00:35:11,315 --> 00:35:14,155
Speaker 1: attack to fly to La to appear on the tonight show,

524
00:35:14,355 --> 00:35:16,715
Speaker 1: and not because he'd once threatened to fire me because

525
00:35:16,715 --> 00:35:19,995
Speaker 1: he didn't like my tie, and not because he had

526
00:35:19,995 --> 00:35:22,635
Speaker 1: previously threatened to fire me for not doing something during

527
00:35:22,715 --> 00:35:25,595
Speaker 1: live coverage that I had already done but he thought

528
00:35:25,595 --> 00:35:28,275
Speaker 1: we hadn't done because he was watching us, not live

529
00:35:28,315 --> 00:35:32,675
Speaker 1: but on delay on his DVR president of a network.

530
00:35:33,515 --> 00:35:36,635
Speaker 1: And I slept beautifully, Not because I correctly guessed this

531
00:35:36,715 --> 00:35:39,195
Speaker 1: would be it for Rick Caplan and it was. The

532
00:35:39,195 --> 00:35:42,875
Speaker 1: next day, human resources forced him to apologize to me,

533
00:35:43,515 --> 00:35:48,035
Speaker 1: and ten months later his bosses fired him. Nor did

534
00:35:48,035 --> 00:35:53,435
Speaker 1: I snooze blessedly because of any bravery or stoicism or

535
00:35:53,475 --> 00:35:56,435
Speaker 1: fatalism on my part. But I slept well simply because

536
00:35:56,475 --> 00:36:00,595
Speaker 1: of the realization then, even after all of this, Rick

537
00:36:00,715 --> 00:36:06,395
Speaker 1: Kaplan was still only the second or third craziest MSNBC

538
00:36:06,595 --> 00:36:23,395
Speaker 1: executive I had ever worked for. I've done all the

539
00:36:23,475 --> 00:36:26,075
Speaker 1: damage I can do here. Thanks for listening. Countdown has

540
00:36:26,115 --> 00:36:28,875
Speaker 1: come to you from the studios of the Olderman Broadcasting

541
00:36:28,955 --> 00:36:34,995
Speaker 1: Empire and Throat Treatment Center. The music you heard was,

542
00:36:34,995 --> 00:36:37,315
Speaker 1: for the most part, arrange produced and performed by Countdown

543
00:36:37,395 --> 00:36:41,435
Speaker 1: musical directors Brian Ray and John Phillip Schanel. Brian Ray

544
00:36:41,475 --> 00:36:44,155
Speaker 1: handled the guitars, bass and drums. John Phillip Shaneil did

545
00:36:44,155 --> 00:36:48,035
Speaker 1: the orchestration and keyboards, and it was produced by Tko Brothers.

546
00:36:48,635 --> 00:36:51,995
Speaker 1: Other music, including our Beethoven tunes, were arranged and performed

547
00:36:52,035 --> 00:36:56,075
Speaker 1: by No Horns Aloud. The sports music is courtesy of ESPN, Inc.

548
00:36:56,155 --> 00:36:57,955
Speaker 1: And it was written by Mitch Warren Davis, and we

549
00:36:58,035 --> 00:37:02,355
Speaker 1: call it the Olderman theme from ESPN two. Our satirical

550
00:37:02,395 --> 00:37:05,315
Speaker 1: and pithy musical comments are from Nancy House, the best

551
00:37:05,315 --> 00:37:09,275
Speaker 1: baseball stadium organists ever. Our announcer today making his debut

552
00:37:09,715 --> 00:37:15,395
Speaker 1: was Dennis Leary. Thank you Dennis. Everything else is pretty

553
00:37:15,475 --> 00:37:17,875
Speaker 1: much my fault. So that's countdown for this the nine

554
00:37:17,915 --> 00:37:20,595
Speaker 1: hundred and eighty eighth day since Donald Trump's first attempted

555
00:37:20,595 --> 00:37:25,275
Speaker 1: at coop against the democratically elected government of the United States. Convictim, Now,

556
00:37:25,315 --> 00:37:28,875
Speaker 1: why always still can? The next scheduled countdown is tomorrow.

557
00:37:29,555 --> 00:37:32,075
Speaker 1: If my throat permits till then, I'm Keith Olverman. Good morning,

558
00:37:32,115 --> 00:37:48,875
Speaker 1: good afternoon, goodnight, and good luck. Countdown with Keith Olderman

559
00:37:49,075 --> 00:37:53,515
Speaker 1: is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,

560
00:37:53,715 --> 00:37:57,675
Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get

561
00:37:57,755 --> 00:37:58,635
Speaker 1: your podcasts,