WEBVTT - Mama's in an Open Marriage Feat. @Baeleche 0:00:02.800 --> 0:00:09.559 M m. 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:21.279 My baby said he wants to be free, but it 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:22.640 is said me. 0:00:27.960 --> 0:00:32.200 Tried loving chrystals and singing time. 0:00:35.080 --> 0:00:42.920 Plays. I thought I could tummle his heart, but it's 0:00:42.960 --> 0:00:47.239 a fall look for me. It's just fallenough for me. 0:00:48.040 --> 0:00:49.360 It's welcome back. 0:00:49.240 --> 0:00:50.839 To good mom's back choices. 0:00:50.920 --> 0:00:54.920 I'm Mela, I'm Eric from Happy Wednesday, Happy Home Day. 0:00:56.960 --> 0:00:59.480 We have a special guest today. 0:00:59.600 --> 0:01:06.040 You'll we have bree aka at be on Instagram, which, 0:01:06.040 --> 0:01:07.319 by the way, I love that Instagram. 0:01:07.480 --> 0:01:07.800 Thank you. 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:11.240 I was really stoked to think about it for a minute, 0:01:11.280 --> 0:01:13.360 but it was happy with what I came up. 0:01:13.280 --> 0:01:18.520 With, and we we we reached out to Beleche because 0:01:19.160 --> 0:01:24.399 as you know, Jamila and I have had throughout our podcast, 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:26.640 as you've if you've grown with us, you know we've 0:01:26.680 --> 0:01:30.360 had we've gone through a lot of a journey about 0:01:30.400 --> 0:01:35.400 like how we feel about relationships and as they've returned, 0:01:35.480 --> 0:01:39.280 as they pertained to monogamy, openness and all those things. 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:44.160 I was in a monogous relationship, well one sided monogamous relationship, 0:01:44.640 --> 0:01:48.600 and then you know, in my singleness kind of started 0:01:48.600 --> 0:01:53.960 to explore open relationships and more recently have kind of 0:01:53.960 --> 0:01:56.600 decided that I'm not sure they're for me. Well really, 0:01:56.640 --> 0:01:59.600 I said they're not for me. Still, like there's like 0:01:59.640 --> 0:02:01.720 this well still there's like a still like a crack 0:02:01.800 --> 0:02:04.080 of a door open. I'm like, I kind of like 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:06.200 I'm still like on the fence about it because I 0:02:06.240 --> 0:02:09.520 don't really believe monogamy is natural. Not I don't really 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:14.000 I don't believe monogamy is natural. But I'm also possessive 0:02:14.080 --> 0:02:14.800 and I need to know. 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:19.160 I'm that bitch number one, number one no, And it's 0:02:19.240 --> 0:02:21.600 just weird. Basically we're in limbo. 0:02:23.000 --> 0:02:25.720 Basically, even some listeners reach out to us and being 0:02:25.760 --> 0:02:27.080 like how could you flip? 0:02:27.639 --> 0:02:31.240 I really like this is this last episode and like 0:02:31.280 --> 0:02:34.160 her beat what the fuck? You guys are changed your mind? 0:02:34.400 --> 0:02:37.360 You guys are open and cool and now who are you? 0:02:38.000 --> 0:02:40.200 Are you? How dare you be conservative? What is this? 0:02:40.360 --> 0:02:40.920 Go to church? 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:43.840 What's happening? And I'm like, I don't know, I'm trying 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:46.720 to figure it out. And then you know, I saw 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:48.960 that you know, you've been an open relationship for a 0:02:49.000 --> 0:02:52.760 long time. And for me, like I've never met anyone 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:55.080 that's been in a successful open relationship for an extended 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:57.640 amount of time. It's always been like pretty short and 0:02:57.720 --> 0:02:59.800 our last or a few guess ago, we had on 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:02.640 Afne Wayne's who had a lot of strong opinions on 0:03:02.720 --> 0:03:06.520 open relationship. And she's she's older, she's five kids, you know, 0:03:06.600 --> 0:03:09.240 she's you know, she doesn't really believe in dating. She 0:03:09.360 --> 0:03:13.720 really her whole idea of like relationships is to be married. 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:19.760 And somehow her thinking has like I don't know if 0:03:19.760 --> 0:03:22.160 it's which polluted my brain or if I agree with it, 0:03:22.200 --> 0:03:22.840 I don't know. 0:03:23.480 --> 0:03:25.400 I know she was very convincing. 0:03:26.320 --> 0:03:29.760 She's like really well spoken, so spoke. 0:03:30.160 --> 0:03:32.760 Oh my god, I'm so soft, A very delicate woman 0:03:33.520 --> 0:03:38.480 talking about very delicate man. Yes, I agree. No, I 0:03:38.480 --> 0:03:40.520 feel the same way. And it's really strange for me 0:03:40.600 --> 0:03:45.080 to admit it because I am a very free spirit. 0:03:45.680 --> 0:03:48.680 I like to flight with everybody. I hate to be 0:03:48.760 --> 0:03:50.720 limited in that I hate for someone to tell me 0:03:50.760 --> 0:03:52.760 what to do, which is probably my number one issue. 0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:56.800 Don't tell me what to do. So but I do 0:03:57.000 --> 0:03:59.280 also have a little bit of I mean, I don't know. 0:03:59.320 --> 0:04:01.240 I don't want to call it security your ownership or 0:04:01.280 --> 0:04:02.600 it's not ownership. I don't want to own you because 0:04:02.600 --> 0:04:03.920 don't want to tell Anea what to do. I'm not 0:04:03.960 --> 0:04:06.440 your mom, but I do just want him to know 0:04:06.480 --> 0:04:08.720 what you want. I want to do. Yeah, you read 0:04:08.840 --> 0:04:11.000 my mind and remind me that I'm number one at 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:14.880 all times, and then everyone falls at waystside. She's cute 0:04:14.880 --> 0:04:17.960 and not cuter than me, right, And I mean you 0:04:18.000 --> 0:04:20.520 can still do that in an open relationship. Right. So 0:04:20.880 --> 0:04:24.200 I'm learning that I thought I told young Berry last 0:04:24.200 --> 0:04:25.920 time I was there, I was like, oh, by the way, 0:04:26.080 --> 0:04:31.760 I don't believe enoughing relationships anymore. I'm over that. It's like, oh, yeah, 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:35.200 by the way, update on my status. I'm not into 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:37.000 that anymore. But that part of me is dead. That 0:04:37.080 --> 0:04:39.040 part of me is dead. So you're sho'd be very 0:04:39.040 --> 0:04:43.279 happy to hear that or unhappy or no. He wasn't 0:04:43.320 --> 0:04:45.720 with it was never with them. I was just like, oh, 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:47.800 why don't you want to just be open? And then 0:04:48.240 --> 0:04:50.360 I was like, no, I'm not sharing. So I was like, oh, 0:04:50.360 --> 0:04:51.840 by the way, I wanted to tell you, by the way, 0:04:51.839 --> 0:04:56.960 i'm your dream wife. Now I've changed with the lies 0:04:57.080 --> 0:05:01.560 the lies, But again now that we I'm back on 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:03.680 the fence again. I don't know. I don't know because 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:06.200 I don't want any rules. But it doesn't mean I 0:05:06.200 --> 0:05:08.520 necessarily want to bang everybody else, but I also would 0:05:08.560 --> 0:05:10.920 like to bring a girl home sometimes. And then also 0:05:10.920 --> 0:05:12.440 like what if you think a guy's fine and you're 0:05:12.480 --> 0:05:15.920 in like Mexico, right, I mean, there's a million of 0:05:15.920 --> 0:05:17.359 situation to consider. 0:05:17.520 --> 0:05:21.200 Yeah, so can you just tell us a little bit 0:05:21.200 --> 0:05:24.760 about you and your mama? A one year old's one 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:27.240 year old year old year old and you've been. 0:05:27.080 --> 0:05:30.320 Married for it'll be five years this summer. 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:34.360 And in this relationship with him for though, like you said. 0:05:34.120 --> 0:05:36.839 Ten years. Yeah, so you know him since you were 0:05:36.839 --> 0:05:37.240 twenty one. 0:05:37.320 --> 0:05:38.560 Yeah, we met when we were babies. 0:05:38.600 --> 0:05:39.440 Oh wow, And I. 0:05:39.400 --> 0:05:42.440 Mean I think that's a part of the reason why 0:05:42.839 --> 0:05:45.000 we decided to be open, because so. 0:05:45.080 --> 0:05:46.760 Even since you were twenty one, you've been open. 0:05:46.960 --> 0:05:51.040 Well, how it all started was I met Daniel's my 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:51.720 husband's name. 0:05:51.839 --> 0:05:52.520 I met Daniel. 0:05:52.520 --> 0:05:53.240 We were twenty one. 0:05:54.240 --> 0:05:57.400 We had a magical night together, but I already had 0:05:57.400 --> 0:06:03.720 a boyfriend, and I was immediately very conflicted. But it 0:06:03.800 --> 0:06:05.880 wasn't my first time in that situation. It was kind 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:09.120 of a thing, a pattern I realized that I was repeating, 0:06:09.279 --> 0:06:12.560 is that I would be cheating, and so I was like, 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:15.039 I was like, Okay, is there something wrong with me, 0:06:16.120 --> 0:06:17.760 and it threw me into a little bit of a 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:22.599 spiral because I really did love my boyfriend at the time, 0:06:23.240 --> 0:06:25.960 but I also really loved this new. 0:06:25.839 --> 0:06:28.400 Person that I just met. 0:06:28.720 --> 0:06:30.680 So what ended up happening is I had to make 0:06:30.680 --> 0:06:33.680 a decision, and I literally was like physically ill over it, 0:06:33.839 --> 0:06:38.720 but I chose my now husband, and months into that 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:43.120 my relationship with him, I was still thinking about it, like, well, 0:06:43.480 --> 0:06:45.839 is there a different way to do things? Like is 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:48.839 monogamy the only answer? And I was twenty one, and 0:06:48.880 --> 0:06:50.960 I'd kind of like, I don't think I knew the 0:06:51.160 --> 0:06:55.279 open relationships existed, or I'd only my only context was cheating, 0:06:55.560 --> 0:06:58.360 and like, there's been cheating in my family history too, 0:06:58.520 --> 0:07:01.400 so just a lot of negative connotations with it. But 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:03.680 I hopped on the internet and like, I learned that 0:07:04.000 --> 0:07:07.320 a lot of people were doing it, and I learned 0:07:07.320 --> 0:07:10.440 the term polyamory, which, if people aren't familiar, it means 0:07:10.520 --> 0:07:13.160 many loves. It's just the idea that we can love 0:07:13.240 --> 0:07:16.360 more than one person romantically at the same time, that 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:19.240 there's not like a finite amount of. 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:20.640 Love we have to give in that way. 0:07:21.320 --> 0:07:23.440 So came across this idea and I was like, oh 0:07:23.480 --> 0:07:26.040 my god, it's me, this is me, And I was 0:07:26.080 --> 0:07:26.760 so excited. 0:07:26.800 --> 0:07:28.200 And I told Daniel about it, and he was a 0:07:28.200 --> 0:07:30.000 little nervous, but he has. 0:07:29.880 --> 0:07:32.480 He had never been in a relationship like that, right, neither, 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:37.560 and so he was very open to it though, and 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:40.320 really he just loves me so much and he wants 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:42.160 me to be happy, and so he's. 0:07:42.040 --> 0:07:44.640 Like, Okay, yeah, let's see what that's all about. 0:07:44.920 --> 0:07:49.320 And so throughout our ten years together, being open has 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:54.560 looked very different because we're individuals that are constantly changing 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:58.520 and growing, and our relationship is always different because of 0:07:58.560 --> 0:08:01.720 that too, and our needs are always different. So at 0:08:01.720 --> 0:08:04.520 the beginning, it was like I'd make out with someone 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:06.280 that when I was at a bar with friends and 0:08:06.320 --> 0:08:09.400 I thought was cute, you know, like, and then it's 0:08:09.440 --> 0:08:09.960 been and. 0:08:09.920 --> 0:08:11.720 Then would you tell him that? Like, so that was 0:08:11.760 --> 0:08:13.440 the deal? Like what was in the beginning. 0:08:13.600 --> 0:08:15.000 I think it's funny as a long time it was 0:08:15.000 --> 0:08:16.560 hard to remember, but I think in the beginning it 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:19.240 I would I wouldn't have to ask before it happened, 0:08:19.640 --> 0:08:24.800 but he would want to know afterwards. But casual sex 0:08:24.800 --> 0:08:28.600 still like wasn't something that I was really doing anyways. 0:08:28.800 --> 0:08:33.560 So we didn't have to have that conversation of like, oh, well, 0:08:33.640 --> 0:08:37.720 can you have sex with other people until later, So 0:08:38.040 --> 0:08:40.480 it's really been like slow, I. 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:41.600 Guess, at different phases. 0:08:41.679 --> 0:08:44.240 Yeah, and it's had it's had very different phases at 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:47.600 at some points. It's been one of the things that 0:08:47.760 --> 0:08:50.760 when you guys spoke to Daphne that I a misconception 0:08:50.880 --> 0:08:54.480 about non monogamy that she kind of highlighted was that 0:08:54.559 --> 0:08:59.240 it's about sex and that people in open relationships, you know, 0:08:59.240 --> 0:09:00.560 they just want to fuck up people. 0:09:02.200 --> 0:09:05.400 And that's not what it has. 0:09:05.320 --> 0:09:07.240 Really ever been for my partner and I. 0:09:09.160 --> 0:09:12.560 Not ever, there's been times, but what it's always been 0:09:12.559 --> 0:09:17.240 for us is I don't want to limit his experiences. 0:09:19.200 --> 0:09:22.360 And I think that when you decide that your partner 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:26.920 can no longer be intimate with another person, you're just 0:09:27.000 --> 0:09:30.360 limiting them so much like and intimacy can look, as 0:09:30.400 --> 0:09:32.880 we talked about earlier, like a bunch of different ways. 0:09:33.280 --> 0:09:35.880 It can be deep friendship where you're meeting up with 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:38.760 someone and cuddling and talking until three in the morning, 0:09:39.360 --> 0:09:41.600 or it can mean meeting up with someone and fucking 0:09:41.679 --> 0:09:44.000 you know, it's always different. But I think that when 0:09:44.040 --> 0:09:47.640 you don't allow your partner intimacy with other people, you're 0:09:47.640 --> 0:09:52.640 really limiting their life experience and their growth. And I 0:09:52.640 --> 0:09:55.960 think that that's something that we just kind of agreed 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:56.920 we didn't want to do. 0:09:58.080 --> 0:09:59.960 So that's kind of the basis. 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:03.199 I read a book once. I can't think about what 0:10:03.280 --> 0:10:06.439 book it is, and because that's one thing. When's the 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:08.600 first time I was introduced to polyamory, I was that 0:10:08.600 --> 0:10:12.600 that makes sense. Oh, that that resignates with me. And 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:14.840 that was literally I was probably like eighteen or nineteen 0:10:15.640 --> 0:10:19.440 and I read something and it was rather profound, and 0:10:19.480 --> 0:10:21.320 I think I've said this before in another podcast, but 0:10:21.920 --> 0:10:25.720 it was about limiting love and not just intimacy. So 0:10:26.040 --> 0:10:29.800 it was basically saying, if I tell Erica could only 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:32.079 love me intimately, like if you look at this person, 0:10:32.080 --> 0:10:34.800 that's where you do this with that person. You're actually 0:10:34.840 --> 0:10:38.920 coaching someone to learn how to limit their love. And 0:10:38.960 --> 0:10:41.520 when you teach the one to limit their love, they'll 0:10:41.520 --> 0:10:45.360 start to limit their love with you because the act 0:10:45.440 --> 0:10:49.720 of practicing limiting, putting your love in a box will 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:54.000 inevitably flow into other parts and places where you love 0:10:54.120 --> 0:10:58.760 other things and people, and subconsciously it becomes a little 0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:01.439 bit resentful and that also made sense to me, and 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:03.319 and and for me, I think it's the same I had. 0:11:03.400 --> 0:11:05.320 I had to come to this point to be like, 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:08.440 it's not about necessarily fucking everybody else, but just the 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:11.360 freedom to know that I have the choice to do 0:11:11.400 --> 0:11:13.880 what I want to do, and that it's like in no, 0:11:14.160 --> 0:11:17.800 in no circumstances it jeopardized relationship with you, But I'm 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:21.600 not being limited in my flow of love and that resting. 0:11:21.920 --> 0:11:25.120 If you know me, I'm a I'm a flowing, loving person. 0:11:25.160 --> 0:11:27.720 I don't want to love everyone. I want everyone I feel. 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:30.800 I feel deeply about loving people and connecting with people. 0:11:31.040 --> 0:11:32.920 So like, yeah, I don't want to be in the 0:11:32.960 --> 0:11:35.720 club and someone's staring me down because I'm having five 0:11:35.720 --> 0:11:38.120 minutes too long of a conversation with someone and we're 0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:41.199 talking about his grandmother, you know, like calm down. So 0:11:41.559 --> 0:11:46.120 I get I do understand that. But on the flip side, 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:55.160 lost a lot on the flip side, But like, would 0:11:55.200 --> 0:11:57.560 I feel the same way if somebody was having a 0:11:57.559 --> 0:12:00.480 long ass conversation in a nightclub and I'm looking them like, 0:12:02.679 --> 0:12:04.400 But I think it has a lot to do with 0:12:04.640 --> 0:12:07.000 the fundamentals and the foundation of the relationship and the 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:10.160 respect level and the love that you're secure with. And 0:12:10.200 --> 0:12:14.080 I realized even having this discussion that me feeling that 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:16.360 crazy laugh right there is just like my insecurity, you 0:12:16.440 --> 0:12:19.760 know what I mean. And I even thought about in 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:22.040 my openness when I when I was siding with Deafne, 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:23.920 when I was going more on my monogamous side, I 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:26.719 was thinking, oh my god, I only wanted to be 0:12:26.760 --> 0:12:29.559 in an open relationship because I was I am scared 0:12:29.600 --> 0:12:33.120 of commitment and also I'm scared of someone not fully 0:12:33.120 --> 0:12:36.120 committing to me. And if we can keep it open, 0:12:36.200 --> 0:12:40.560 then I'm not vulnerable and getting hurt or betrayed and 0:12:40.600 --> 0:12:42.480 then like having to compare myself to the person that 0:12:42.600 --> 0:12:47.880 stole you and having to kill her. But or you 0:12:47.880 --> 0:12:49.600 know what I'm saying. So there's so many there's so 0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:51.640 many ways to look at it, you know what I mean? Like, 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:54.319 am I just being fucking psychoed insecure? Am I? You 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:56.320 know what I mean? There's just like I think, in 0:12:56.440 --> 0:13:00.160 exploring which side of the spectrum you resonate with, you 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:04.640 really have to go deep inside yourself and heal and heal. Yeah, 0:13:05.160 --> 0:13:06.560 I think that's what it is. 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:09.800 That's what I really That's an aspect of it that 0:13:09.920 --> 0:13:13.200 Daniel and I also have. Really it's been hard, but 0:13:13.360 --> 0:13:16.440 we've really it's been rewarding. Is that we've had to 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:20.640 face so many insecurities and so many fears and just 0:13:20.720 --> 0:13:23.040 things that we wouldn't face if. 0:13:22.880 --> 0:13:24.479 We weren't in an open relationship. 0:13:24.559 --> 0:13:28.720 And that's been really so hard, so so hard, but also, 0:13:29.000 --> 0:13:31.000 like I said, just really rewarding. And I feel like 0:13:31.080 --> 0:13:34.000 it's helped us both to grow as individuals and it's 0:13:34.040 --> 0:13:39.840 really deepened our marriage. And yeah, I mean, but I 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:41.600 also I also want to say, this is really important 0:13:41.640 --> 0:13:44.120 for me to say, is I don't think that an 0:13:44.120 --> 0:13:47.160 open relationship is superior to monogamy. I think a lot 0:13:47.200 --> 0:13:51.000 of people who are in either camp will say that 0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:54.360 one is superior either, and I am not of that opinion. 0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:57.480 I think that everyone has to decide what's right for them, 0:13:57.520 --> 0:13:59.720 and I even think that, like, just because an open 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:02.240 really ship works for Daniel and I, maybe it wouldn't 0:14:02.280 --> 0:14:04.880 work for me and another person and monogamy might be 0:14:04.960 --> 0:14:05.720 the better option. 0:14:06.840 --> 0:14:09.040 I just think you gotta do what's best. 0:14:08.840 --> 0:14:11.600 For you, right, and it's not like a one size fit. 0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:14.520 So Okay, I have a question. I went on a 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:18.560 date with this guy. And when we got there, he's like, oh, yeah, 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:20.920 I'm in an open marriage. And I was like, wait, wait, 0:14:20.920 --> 0:14:24.560 hold on, so you're married right now, like right now, 0:14:24.600 --> 0:14:26.400 like right the second I was like, I was like, wait, 0:14:26.480 --> 0:14:28.600 so you live with your wife? He's like yeah, Like 0:14:28.880 --> 0:14:30.880 because you told me he lived up the street. I'm like, 0:14:30.880 --> 0:14:33.880 so she's up the street. And I was so perplexed, 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:35.560 not because I've never been in a situation like that, 0:14:35.560 --> 0:14:37.360 because you know, like I'm all four and probably in 0:14:37.360 --> 0:14:38.880 my twentieside it'd be like, well, we've been better. He's 0:14:38.880 --> 0:14:41.560 not going to like stalk me. But I realized then. 0:14:41.720 --> 0:14:43.480 First I was a little irritated and didn't mention it 0:14:43.480 --> 0:14:46.160 before I got there, because first of I'm here for 0:14:46.200 --> 0:14:49.880 the meal, but maybe I would want to know that. 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:54.280 But I asked him. I said, so, have you ever 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:57.400 had a side relationship and how and he said yeah. 0:14:57.400 --> 0:14:58.920 I said, well, how long did that last? He said 0:14:58.920 --> 0:15:02.480 three years? And then said well what happened? And he said, 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:04.760 well she wanted more. And the first thing I thought 0:15:04.800 --> 0:15:07.920 is like, eh, yep, And I thought, damn, this is 0:15:07.960 --> 0:15:12.760 another reason that switched my thinking as the third person, 0:15:12.960 --> 0:15:15.160 you know, not in the initial relationship as I thought, 0:15:15.640 --> 0:15:19.360 to me, it's selfish if I okay, because there's different types, 0:15:19.400 --> 0:15:21.120 like you said, I wouldn't know. Also the difference between 0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:24.200 open and Polly, if there's a difference. But to me, 0:15:24.400 --> 0:15:27.200 it's like I've asked guys like, okay, so do you 0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:30.840 want two wives? And some guys are like yeah, I'm like, okay, 0:15:30.920 --> 0:15:33.080 that makes more sense if there's a space where we 0:15:33.080 --> 0:15:36.240 could all coexist permanently, I get it. But if not, 0:15:36.840 --> 0:15:39.080 Like me, I'm thirty one, what the fuck am I 0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:40.480 here for? I have a kid, like I'm my heir 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:42.240 of like, fuck you and you go home. And also 0:15:42.280 --> 0:15:44.560 I don't like that, he explained, like, you know, basically, 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:48.400 my wife is priority. If she needs me, I'm gonna go. 0:15:48.600 --> 0:15:51.920 That isn't resonating well with me. What if I need you? 0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:54.480 You know what I mean? To me, it felt selfish, 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:56.000 and I would be like, even if I'm in a 0:15:56.040 --> 0:15:58.200 marriage or in a relationship, I wouldn't even ask anyone 0:15:58.240 --> 0:16:02.280 else to do that because it's selfish for you guys. 0:16:02.320 --> 0:16:03.520 How does that work with you? Guys? 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:06.320 No, that's your hitting on something I think really really 0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:07.640 big and important and hard. 0:16:09.160 --> 0:16:10.480 I've been. 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:13.480 I was also in a three year relationship and it 0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:17.320 worked really well because he was younger. I was twenty 0:16:17.320 --> 0:16:19.160 seven and he was twenty four at the time when 0:16:19.200 --> 0:16:22.840 we met. And he's a creative he's in a band. 0:16:23.360 --> 0:16:28.520 That's his priority, and so we didn't run into the 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:33.680 problem of him wanting or needing more because what I 0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:37.480 had to give with from like in an open relationship 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:44.800 still being married, was totally enough for him. And it 0:16:44.840 --> 0:16:47.680 worked for a really long time. But then I got 0:16:47.720 --> 0:16:50.720 pregnant and I was gonna ask you about that. Yeah, 0:16:50.720 --> 0:16:54.520 I got pregnant, and I was, I mean, he's still 0:16:54.560 --> 0:16:58.720 a dear, dear friend. It was a beautiful relationship, but 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:02.200 I was like, dude, I'm like, a baby is gonna come, 0:17:02.480 --> 0:17:05.040 like and my time is going to be even more limited. 0:17:05.080 --> 0:17:06.879 Like we got to start thinking about this, like what 0:17:06.960 --> 0:17:09.840 is it going to mean for us? And we had 0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:12.320 really great communication at that point because we've been together 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:16.040 for a while and he really wanted to push through 0:17:16.080 --> 0:17:17.680 and kind of see and I was like all right. 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:21.640 And then when I was around like four or five 0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:26.480 months pregnant, he actually met somebody else. And throughout our relationship, 0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:28.560 I always encouraged him to see other people. 0:17:29.119 --> 0:17:31.320 He didn't really he did from. 0:17:31.119 --> 0:17:34.400 Time to time, but because he was very busy and 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:36.840 I was seeing him like maybe once or twice a week, 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:38.080 that was really. 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:39.000 Working for him. 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:45.360 But he met somebody else and he found himself on 0:17:45.400 --> 0:17:51.560 the other side. Going over there, he found he found 0:17:51.640 --> 0:17:54.760 himself on like my side, where he was having to 0:17:54.880 --> 0:17:59.360 navigate like two different people's feelings mine and then this 0:17:59.400 --> 0:18:02.200 new woman he was seeing and he couldn't handle it, 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:05.520 and he broke down to me. He just like broke 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:08.159 down and He's like, I can't I can't do this. 0:18:08.280 --> 0:18:10.920 I'm so sorry. I met somebody else. 0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:15.000 And I'm like, I'm so happy for you, Like I 0:18:15.080 --> 0:18:17.320 there is a limit to how much I'm going to 0:18:17.359 --> 0:18:20.040 be able to give you in our relationship together, Like 0:18:20.160 --> 0:18:23.119 maybe if we were together for like ten years, we 0:18:23.119 --> 0:18:26.080 would have to start discussing something like Okay, are you like, 0:18:26.840 --> 0:18:28.360 are you like a second husband? 0:18:28.440 --> 0:18:30.760 Like, are we gonna have to introduce you to the family, 0:18:31.080 --> 0:18:32.800 like I can stay the chance? Did you ever meet 0:18:32.800 --> 0:18:33.680 your husband? Yeah? 0:18:33.720 --> 0:18:33.960 Did? 0:18:34.119 --> 0:18:35.960 Were they cool? They were cool? 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:40.359 I think that that was challenging because masculinity is hard. 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:41.840 Yeah, And I was I was gonna say that to you. 0:18:41.960 --> 0:18:45.800 Masculinity period. I think Unfortunately because of the society you 0:18:45.880 --> 0:18:48.280 live in, it's easier for a man to navigate an 0:18:48.280 --> 0:18:52.080 open relationship totally because you got pregnant. Yeah, Now there's 0:18:52.080 --> 0:18:55.199 this visual like reminder and like, are you gonna have 0:18:55.240 --> 0:18:57.439 sex with me? Is it gonna be something for your 0:18:57.520 --> 0:19:00.159 husband too? Oh? That's my baby up in there, Like 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:01.680 you know what I'm saying. There's all these concepts, and 0:19:01.720 --> 0:19:04.800 then even for like just a man period, like, oh, 0:19:04.840 --> 0:19:07.720 you have a husband and so like you fucking him? Roll. 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:12.000 There's all these toxic masculinities that make it easier for 0:19:12.080 --> 0:19:14.680 a man to maintain that role, whereas a woman there's 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:17.080 all these double standards and then your mom now great, 0:19:17.200 --> 0:19:20.760 you know so I think that's rather has it happened 0:19:21.000 --> 0:19:24.159 on the like Daniel having a separate relationship, he has it. 0:19:24.280 --> 0:19:27.920 His have mostly been flings or just one night stands. 0:19:27.960 --> 0:19:32.800 He hasn't really found anyone that he's dated long term. 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:35.000 He is still kind. 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:37.480 Of deciding how he wants the open marriage to look 0:19:37.480 --> 0:19:43.280 for himself, like what feels best. Yeah, and I've had 0:19:43.280 --> 0:19:46.879 more practice at this point. And that's also a personality difference. 0:19:46.920 --> 0:19:49.119 I'm just more of an extrovert. I work at a 0:19:49.160 --> 0:19:55.640 bar people, Yeah, he's a teacher, he's more teachers. 0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:57.639 Don't let you've had a few educators on. 0:19:57.760 --> 0:20:01.760 I'm always like, wait, what's going on? Okay, l No, 0:20:02.080 --> 0:20:05.280 I mean cats can't be freaking. I'm just saying, it's 0:20:05.280 --> 0:20:08.240 not really a place, not at a bar. 0:20:08.320 --> 0:20:11.920 Obviously, you're you're more you're engaging with people that are open, free, 0:20:12.080 --> 0:20:14.520 like open, but they're there to meet people. 0:20:14.720 --> 0:20:17.359 Yeah, but there is something to like you always have 0:20:17.440 --> 0:20:19.720 to keep in mind in an open relationship when you're 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:21.040 when you're dating other people. 0:20:21.119 --> 0:20:21.760 And I think that. 0:20:23.280 --> 0:20:26.240 People who are new to non monogamy, they don't realize this. 0:20:26.680 --> 0:20:28.800 And I've like coached people through this a little bit, 0:20:28.920 --> 0:20:33.040 is you have to understand that in your relationships that 0:20:33.119 --> 0:20:35.439 are not if you're in the primary that are not 0:20:35.480 --> 0:20:38.399 your primary relationship, there's going to be a lot of 0:20:38.480 --> 0:20:41.680 hurt and there's going to be a lot of endings. 0:20:41.720 --> 0:20:44.600