Speaker 1: Are you leaving?
Speaker 2: I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want
Speaker 2: to be there.
Speaker 3: Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us
Speaker 3: time and a terminol and gaye ad. We want to
Speaker 3: send you off in style. We wanna welcome you back home.
Speaker 2: Tell us all about it? Re scared her? Was it fine?
Speaker 4: Now?
Speaker 5: Porn?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do your need to ride?
Speaker 1: Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need
Speaker 1: to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.
Speaker 2: And this is Karen Kilgarriff.
Speaker 1: This is Karen Kilgarriff's friend, Chris Fairbanks. I don't know
Speaker 1: where I'm trying to work on. I keep worrying about
Speaker 1: someone assembling a montage of my intro the first thing
Speaker 1: I say, and it being identical. For some reason, I
Speaker 1: want to ask him.
Speaker 3: Sorry.
Speaker 1: So I've been adding weird inflection, weird cadence, weird other
Speaker 1: words that our guest today will know better than me
Speaker 1: because he was a linguistics major.
Speaker 5: But I it's a concern, yeah, keep it fresh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but yeah, I'm also hanging out. My dad is
Speaker 1: in town. I it's the reason I bought I've been
Speaker 1: talking about this one man futon which I've been sleeping on.
Speaker 1: My dad's in my bed. But we're having a great time.
Speaker 1: But my dad is good. He's good at talking, and
Speaker 1: so I'm more. I've been paying it holding a mirror
Speaker 1: up to my own talking, because my dad is a
Speaker 1: professional talker.
Speaker 2: True, And what have you learned from from Jim?
Speaker 1: He's just got He's just got it, you know, as
Speaker 1: they used to say in the UH in the terrestrial
Speaker 1: broadcast journalism business.
Speaker 3: He's just got the goods.
Speaker 1: He's got the goods, and he's meant for the airwaves.
Speaker 1: And he needs to put those cans on his head
Speaker 1: and scratch those ones and twos.
Speaker 3: I don't know a lot of the terms, right, but
Speaker 3: he's a radio he was a radio man.
Speaker 2: That's right. Yeah, Well that's good.
Speaker 5: You're absorbing. You're absorbing the dos and don'ts of Jim.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's never too late to glean influence from
Speaker 1: your father.
Speaker 5: Is he like every morning when you see him? Is
Speaker 5: he like good morning? Different every morning? And that's what
Speaker 5: inspired you to try to change it up?
Speaker 1: It's certainly. Yeah, it's so funny you bring that up
Speaker 1: because when someone says good morning, it usually makes me flinch.
Speaker 1: I don't like hearing good morning because it reminds me
Speaker 1: of my mom vacuuming, or someone opening the shades while
Speaker 1: you're hungover, Like, don't bring that good morning. Shit, it's
Speaker 1: not even eleven.
Speaker 2: It's always passive aggressive in your world. There's never a
Speaker 2: positive good morning.
Speaker 3: Yeah it is.
Speaker 1: It's always an underhanded good morning. It's never like you know,
Speaker 1: of fun good morning. So now my dad's been yet.
Speaker 1: He does wake up early, early to bed, early to rise,
Speaker 1: and I think that's good. That has been possibly at
Speaker 1: the top of the influence the last few.
Speaker 5: Days, which also is very that's very radio DJ. If
Speaker 5: he is the morning DJ. Yeah, it work at five
Speaker 5: thirty am exactly.
Speaker 1: He's preparing me for that eventual four am slot where
Speaker 1: I talk about the roads before traffic even is a thought.
Speaker 5: The traffic report is always everything's fine, you'll get there
Speaker 5: on time.
Speaker 2: It's clear because it's four.
Speaker 1: Am and everyone's still in bed. So but one day
Speaker 1: I'll get a better slot. But yeah, I got a
Speaker 1: last minute spot at Largo, which makes me think of
Speaker 1: you because we often talk about Flannagan and Uh, news flash,
Speaker 1: he's the sweeter never and that's I did a show
Speaker 1: with Brett Goldstein, who's on ted Lasso, and he it's
Speaker 1: so funny to see he's kind of a gruff, tough
Speaker 1: guy on that show, and of course in real life
Speaker 1: it's it's almost like a version. He's just not that
Speaker 1: person at all. He's the sweetest and had really good jokes.
Speaker 1: And my dad got to meet the Property Brothers backstage.
Speaker 1: You know, yeah, it's exactly uh, And Wenny malk was
Speaker 1: and I'm like, you look the same for someone that's
Speaker 1: about my dad's and my dad got all excited. So
Speaker 1: it was a cool uh like that's a kind of
Speaker 1: thing you can't plan for your dad. I wouldn't get
Speaker 1: that by bringing him to the Magic Castle.
Speaker 2: No, not in the least.
Speaker 5: But also, I'm gonna ask a question that I'm pretty
Speaker 5: sure I know the answer to it.
Speaker 2: But did you destroy?
Speaker 3: I did great?
Speaker 1: Yes, And I haven't been destroying lately. I've been He
Speaker 1: saw me kind of give give a soft set in
Speaker 1: a barber shop, and so it was fun to like
Speaker 1: that's how that's how it is these days, Dad, and
Speaker 1: I could tell he was like, oh, let me readjust
Speaker 1: my thoughts. Yeah, but yeah, it's all victory.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was all it was great. So that was fun.
Speaker 3: So far successful Dad visit.
Speaker 2: But well, we better introduce our guests. I think you're
Speaker 2: right can get in because I know for a.
Speaker 5: Fact that he's got commentary about all of the things
Speaker 5: we just spoke about and the challenges. Will you remember
Speaker 5: every single topic that you just covered.
Speaker 1: Your goddamn right by Caplin will and I've said his name,
Speaker 1: the most amateur thing ever, you know, damnit? Today's guest
Speaker 1: does clubs and colleges? Put your ears together for Mike Kaplan?
Speaker 3: Ha ha, Yeah, ears together. That's delightful, Karen.
Speaker 4: The thing that you just said about me having so
Speaker 4: many things to say about everything that has just been said,
Speaker 4: that cuts right to the heart of my being. I'm
Speaker 4: gonna try. I'm gonna try. I have so many things.
Speaker 4: Number One, Chris, I don't want to make you any
Speaker 4: more nervous. I don't think I could. But do you
Speaker 4: do you worry? Do you worry? I mean, you are
Speaker 4: currently worried that somebody will do a super cut of
Speaker 4: you saying hello identically, But are you not worried that
Speaker 4: they'll do the reverse?
Speaker 3: They'll be like, this guy can't commit to anything.
Speaker 4: Look at all the weird ways that he says hello, Hello, Hello, Hell,
Speaker 4: hell Hell.
Speaker 1: I mean, would you would about the entertainment factor of
Speaker 1: listening to a variety of hellos rather than we're talking
Speaker 1: And this is a thirty minute long thing?
Speaker 3: What if it was all identical?
Speaker 1: It's going to be thirty minutes long, this future thing
Speaker 1: that won't exist.
Speaker 2: One is work on this.
Speaker 5: It's the amount of work who take to do a
Speaker 5: one minute string out?
Speaker 1: And I'm the idea.
Speaker 3: You're so worried about it.
Speaker 5: Three hour YouTube video me endlessly saying hello to me.
Speaker 1: It's I'm worried about I'm still worried about it.
Speaker 4: It's beautiful because it means that you love yourself and
Speaker 4: you believe in yourself, and you care about yourself so much.
Speaker 4: To believe that someone to think, I mean, you would
Speaker 4: have to be like.
Speaker 3: Who do they do that for? Who do they do that?
Speaker 4: People that are important, people that they they care about,
Speaker 4: like people who are in the in the news, people
Speaker 4: who are celebrated.
Speaker 3: That's all.
Speaker 1: Now, you're it's slightly ar scissistic that I think this
Speaker 1: is coming my way. You love yourself that's what I write. No,
Speaker 1: it's good potato potato, Thank you.
Speaker 3: Knowing you're sorry.
Speaker 2: There's a new there's a new nat. I came out
Speaker 2: of nowhere, house, came out of nowhere. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3: Better than a newt is that something.
Speaker 1: There is a There has been a gnat for three
Speaker 1: days that has been living in the like two foot
Speaker 1: area around Karen's head throughout her house. And she thought
Speaker 1: she just killed it, and I thought that would be
Speaker 1: an emotional loss.
Speaker 3: But good news is there's a new gnat in town.
Speaker 2: Here's the thing.
Speaker 5: It makes me feel like I have a banana peel
Speaker 5: somewhere that I don't remember pushing aside as I was
Speaker 5: doing something else, and now it is growing Larva.
Speaker 4: Classic classic comedy, you know, the banana peel hidden somewhere
Speaker 4: in the comedian's home.
Speaker 1: Yeah, now everyone knows you were not happy to see them.
Speaker 3: I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 4: I love you both. I love listening. I truly if
Speaker 4: I just listened the whole time. I mean, I'm just
Speaker 4: like I guess I'm saying, like, listen, I would listen
Speaker 4: to you.
Speaker 3: I like your both.
Speaker 4: It's funny that you, Chris are like, oh my dad
Speaker 4: the professional talker. He says into a microphone that he's
Speaker 4: done for twenty years as well.
Speaker 1: Also, yes, I guess I suppose much longer than he did.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Also, I'll say this.
Speaker 4: I when you said you had a I'm glad that
Speaker 4: you had a wonderful set at Largo. What a wonderful
Speaker 4: place to do comedy, and that you met those nice people,
Speaker 4: and that your dad did as well. All fantastic. Also,
Speaker 4: this is so this will be the least important thing
Speaker 4: on some level, but just to look into my brain
Speaker 4: that when you said that you had a soft set
Speaker 4: at a barber shop, do you do anything like this? Now,
Speaker 4: I'm going to introduce the concept to you of syllable twins.
Speaker 4: So syllable twins, for example, could include Drew Barrymore and
Speaker 4: Reese Witherspoon the same same syllabic structure ba but bah bah,
Speaker 4: And so you know, like syllable twin could be you know,
Speaker 4: like mulberry bush syllable twin and mulberry bush are syllable twins.
Speaker 3: You came up with that quickly. Yes, my brain does these.
Speaker 4: And so when you said soft set at a barber shop,
Speaker 4: I heard it to the tune of fat Guy in
Speaker 4: a little coat from Tommy Boy.
Speaker 3: Soft set at a barber shop. Yeah, yeah, of course
Speaker 3: it is. I mean it's really weird. You can do
Speaker 3: it without singing, you can.
Speaker 4: And I know that from as you mentioned, my studies
Speaker 4: of linguistics. I took a class called intro to Cognitive Science,
Speaker 4: and we learned about priming, in which like, if somebody
Speaker 4: says to you bug, you know, then your brain's neural
Speaker 4: networks for all things related to bugs of any kind.
Speaker 4: If you're talking about an insect, like the net that's
Speaker 4: flying around like they're like, oh, net bug, and all
Speaker 4: the related things pop up, even like then electronic equipment
Speaker 4: like a spy bug, and then spy networks light up
Speaker 4: and your brain thinks of those things quicker. And I
Speaker 4: didn't even Rea, I didn't realize that my brain would
Speaker 4: do it with just sounds, with just the shape the
Speaker 4: shape of words, without even the content, just the form alone,
Speaker 4: without even the function.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 1: And so did you live in a constant state of
Speaker 1: as if you're taking a test one of those tests
Speaker 1: association tests.
Speaker 4: Yes, I think that there is that is an undercurrent, uh,
Speaker 4: you know, on the back burner, if not the front burner.
Speaker 3: It's on It's on one of the burners.
Speaker 5: But also I think it points to your musical talent
Speaker 5: and ability, because that's one of my favorite things. Those songs,
Speaker 5: the comedy songs you were doing. I don't know if
Speaker 5: you still do them, but they were so good, Mike,
Speaker 5: I mean truly, they were great.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much.
Speaker 4: It's it's really kind of you to say, especially as
Speaker 4: someone as I know you also create comedy songs. And
Speaker 4: I have a joke that I tell sometimes your songs
Speaker 4: I love as well, And I sometimes tell this joke
Speaker 4: about how when I see a musician because I my
Speaker 4: parents were music teachers, and I studied violin from age
Speaker 4: four and taught myself guitar in high school and came
Speaker 4: to comedy via music. I was writing comedy songs from
Speaker 4: the get go, and I still create music for fun
Speaker 4: and like during the lockdown phase of the pandemic, I
Speaker 4: made a lot of songs, like for my girlfriend, and
Speaker 4: I think my girlfriend like went out to visit her
Speaker 4: mom for like two weeks at one point, and I
Speaker 4: was like, I'm going to write a song a day,
Speaker 4: you know.
Speaker 3: I'm just gonna Oh.
Speaker 4: I love writing, I love playing around I love recording,
Speaker 4: so I have a bunch, like I've released some and
Speaker 4: then I just have a lot of unreally least that
Speaker 4: I'm like, these are fun for me and my friends,
Speaker 4: but like if I was going to release them, i'd
Speaker 4: make them sound better somehow.
Speaker 3: But sure they're probably fine. But yeah.
Speaker 4: So the joke that I tell sometimes is like when
Speaker 4: I see a musician, not not even a comedy musician,
Speaker 4: but just a you know, a musician, a band and
Speaker 4: art You're familiar with the ways that music can be
Speaker 4: played by one or more people, and we call them
Speaker 4: different things sometimes, be it a band or a singer songwriter.
Speaker 1: I'm a joker joke writer and comes back to mine.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and so if I see beautiful music played live
Speaker 4: and I can talk to the person after, I'll tell
Speaker 4: them that was beautiful.
Speaker 3: And also I'm a musician.
Speaker 4: So this compliment, please take it as more valuable than
Speaker 4: just some schmo.
Speaker 3: It's like, that was beautiful, but what do I know?
Speaker 4: Like that was beautiful and I know all that really, Yeah.
Speaker 5: It has a little R in a circle at the
Speaker 5: end of the compliment. It is a registered compliment.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, and that's it's not that that compliment paid
Speaker 4: eight dollars to be verified. That compliment was verified, but
Speaker 4: in the original ancient way by people your manager calling.
Speaker 3: The head of Twitter whoever it was at the time.
Speaker 3: But that yeah, that.
Speaker 2: Sorry really quick.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 5: The blue check flip that happened on Twitter is still
Speaker 5: one of the funniest things that's ever happened on Twitter,
Speaker 5: Like it is so unbelievably. It was a cultural shift
Speaker 5: that happened in like two days where everybody went, oh, okay,
Speaker 5: well I lost my blue check, don't care, doesn't matter,
Speaker 5: you're getting a blue check.
Speaker 2: No one's paying for it. Literally, I think they said
Speaker 2: eighty two people actually signed up for that.
Speaker 5: Obviously tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of
Speaker 5: people that belong to it, and then all the people
Speaker 5: who did pay for it are now complaining about the
Speaker 5: people not paying for it, as if that's something you
Speaker 5: can argue and debate down into, like, oh, I guess
Speaker 5: you're right, I have to buy it now. It's like no, no, no,
Speaker 5: the cool people just said no, fuck off, and now
Speaker 5: you're stuck with the blue check.
Speaker 1: It is hilarious, right, So now even if because some
Speaker 1: ran I'm just now seeing you're seeing in real time.
Speaker 1: My reaction to mind being taken away and look still.
Speaker 3: Exactly as happy as I was before.
Speaker 2: It's meaningless.
Speaker 1: But some people it's funny though, because there is a
Speaker 1: part of me that I was happy when I saw
Speaker 1: that I was verified at one point.
Speaker 3: It is does have meeting.
Speaker 2: That it did have meaning in twenty in twenty.
Speaker 1: Twelve, back when I wanted it, and I'm like, how
Speaker 1: do you get this? Who do I do? I have
Speaker 1: to meet the right people. I'm starting to look like
Speaker 1: I'm not professional. But now that it's gone, it would
Speaker 1: be embarrassing if you still had it, because then everyone
Speaker 1: knows you paid to buy into a popularity contest.
Speaker 3: Sort of. Yeah.
Speaker 4: It's like the famous quote by Jim Carrey and others
Speaker 4: that I'll paraphrase poorly, Like he's like, I hope that
Speaker 4: everyone gets, you know, all of their dreams met of
Speaker 4: being rich and famous, so they can find out that
Speaker 4: that's not it. Like that doesn't do it? Like you know,
Speaker 4: before you have the verified check, uh, they're like, well,
Speaker 4: who even am I? And then after you're like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 4: still a good question. Who even am I? That I
Speaker 4: thought that this would be the thing, which is I
Speaker 4: mean in I've been learning a lot about Buddhism from
Speaker 4: Instagram and bumper stickers like you do that is that's
Speaker 4: my joke.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry to do a bit on you. It's for real.
Speaker 4: I have a good One of my best friends is
Speaker 4: a practicing Buddhist who I've been hanging out with and
Speaker 4: learning with and from. Uh, And there's like meaningful stuff.
Speaker 4: And you know, one of the one of the one
Speaker 4: of your basics in Buddhism is that, uh, there is suffering,
Speaker 4: the first noble truth. There is suffering, which sometimes gets
Speaker 4: translated as discomfort, and it's like the discomfort of you know,
Speaker 4: the classic you're like, oh, yeah, this doesn't feel good,
Speaker 4: and knowing that we're going to get sick and age
Speaker 4: and die.
Speaker 3: That's that's not everyone's favorite.
Speaker 4: But even the good things, you're like, oh, this feels
Speaker 4: good and it's gonna go away probably at some point,
Speaker 4: like even the yeah, the suffering of change they call
Speaker 4: it as well. Like he one time was my buddy
Speaker 4: was in like a there was like a pool and
Speaker 4: a jacuzzi and he's like, I'm in the jacuzzi and
Speaker 4: it feels good. But then you get a little too
Speaker 4: hot and you're like, I don't like.
Speaker 3: This dive into the cool water. Ah, that feels good.
Speaker 4: Then this is actually a little cold. I'm gonna go
Speaker 4: back into the jacuzzi. He's like, it's a miracle. I'm
Speaker 4: not still there doing that over and over again.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: We're constantly struggling to be like, what's the thing when
Speaker 4: I get Oh, that's the horizon when I get there. Oh,
Speaker 4: now there's another horizon. Great, Ah the blue check. Oh
Speaker 4: not the blue check.
Speaker 1: Uh.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Anyway, my point is, thank you Karen for your kind
Speaker 4: words about my music.
Speaker 3: It's the best.
Speaker 2: I just think it's it's such a funny.
Speaker 5: Somebody had a great tweet and I won't be able
Speaker 5: to remember because now there's all these people I don't
Speaker 5: follow that I'm constantly reading their tweets. But they said
Speaker 5: something like, oh, yes, all of a sudden, the thing
Speaker 5: that I thought I was supposed to want is the
Speaker 5: exact thing I'm not supposed to want.
Speaker 2: This is just like eighth grade. And I was like,
Speaker 2: that's it. There's a real That's what Twitter is all about. Anyway.
Speaker 5: It's about you show up at school. No one gives
Speaker 5: a shit that you're there. You're like, hey, they're supposed
Speaker 5: to care. I'm here because it's me. Then you for
Speaker 5: four years post your thoughts, and then suddenly, slowly people go,
Speaker 5: we do like that. You have these thoughts and it
Speaker 5: builds up over a long period of time, and then
Speaker 5: you get a little check and somehow that validates you.
Speaker 5: And then this guy came in that's really bad at
Speaker 5: tweets and really bad at being a human being and
Speaker 5: really bad at giving a shit about other people. And
Speaker 5: he's suddenly like, here's how we're gonna do it, you
Speaker 5: legacy blue checks or assholes. And we're all like, yeah, okay,
Speaker 5: that's true. Yes, actually fine, we're gonna take those away.
Speaker 2: Go ahead. I don't think the fact that I cared
Speaker 2: this much is embarrassing.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I know.
Speaker 2: And then it's like, now pay money, No way, dude,
Speaker 2: not even if I had as much money as you
Speaker 2: would I pay.
Speaker 3: Everything is a roar shack, you know.
Speaker 4: It's like everything tells us something about ourselves. It's like
Speaker 4: you ever have I don't know if this ever happened
Speaker 4: in real life, but I have an imagination of like
Speaker 4: everyone's like line up over here, here's the front of
Speaker 4: the line. Everyone that way, and then they're like, actually
Speaker 4: the front is the back, in the back is the front,
Speaker 4: and you're like, wait a second.
Speaker 3: But I like stamp. I've stampeded over people like campel
Speaker 3: people to be in that's the point.
Speaker 1: That's the thing. You know, airlines does that sometimes. You
Speaker 1: don't know if there there are airlines where it's like, oh, look,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm gonna be at the very end, I'm seat
Speaker 1: thirty five. Ah, surprised people are getting on an opposite order.
Speaker 3: It's a y you don't know in the front of
Speaker 3: the back. Also just they're it. I don't know who
Speaker 3: told me this.
Speaker 4: But there's like experts in like I don't know the
Speaker 4: ergonomics of airplanes that are like there's an actual way
Speaker 4: that would be the fastest and most efficient to board
Speaker 4: an airplane, and it involves, for example, everyone who has
Speaker 4: a window seat get on first, the windows in the
Speaker 4: back first. Sure not by row. Don't have ile people.
Speaker 4: You have an ile person sitting before the window person. Sorry,
Speaker 4: gotta get up, stand in the way. Do it like
Speaker 4: it makes perfect sense. Just be like, oh yeah, the
Speaker 4: final row window people, all the window people, any window
Speaker 4: person gives.
Speaker 1: The a reason they don't do it that way or
Speaker 1: you just heard someone bring up capitalism.
Speaker 2: I don't know they had the charge us all would
Speaker 2: be a way to charge us.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, we do this well and quickly it'll cost
Speaker 5: you more money.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and there I did go on I feel as
Speaker 4: like Virgin Airlines once and they were like, if you
Speaker 4: can board, if you have whatever status right now, but
Speaker 4: also if you don't have a carry on bag, if
Speaker 4: you don't have an overhead, get get on at anytime,
Speaker 4: and then rewarding people for you know, a thing that
Speaker 4: would actually be practically helpful, right right.
Speaker 2: That's smart.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I do like Virgin Airlines. Yeah, I mean, and they're
Speaker 5: sexy lighting and you know, a good opening video and stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it used to feel like getting into a Macintosh product.
Speaker 3: It was blowing.
Speaker 1: It was just like, am I part of an iPad hot?
Speaker 4: I mostly fly Delta since I learned in like twenty
Speaker 4: ten that if you fly only one airline then it's
Speaker 4: good sometimes that you know, you get bumped up. And
Speaker 4: then every once in a while when I'm on a
Speaker 4: different one like Virgin, it's like a completely it's like
Speaker 4: an alternate dimension and I'm like, oh the video at
Speaker 4: the beginning, it's like a fun cartoon. I'm like, I
Speaker 4: sometimes do feel tricked when I'm like, this is a
Speaker 4: really cool song a commercial.
Speaker 3: No, I enjoy a commercial. But I'm like, yeah, but it.
Speaker 4: Made me feel good, so I'll take it.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I downloaded on purpose the theme song to a
Speaker 1: news program on the hill. I'm like, that is the
Speaker 1: it's it sounds like John Tash and Tame and.
Speaker 3: Paula got together to do the new epic.
Speaker 1: News theme song. And I downloaded it and I listened
Speaker 1: to it in my car. It's the funniest thing to
Speaker 1: be listening to because it is newsy, but it's like
Speaker 1: it's my new Eye of the Tiger. Oh fucking love it.
Speaker 3: That's a great song too. Here's a related topic.
Speaker 4: I was like, I almost forgot, but oh good, I'm
Speaker 4: gonna divert the whole conversation. Who hold on, that's being
Speaker 4: a man in society. Let's talk about what I want
Speaker 4: to talk about for a moment. I'm reminded during the pandemic,
Speaker 4: I started doing weed edibles more than I ever did before.
Speaker 4: They I now understand what it does to me, Like
Speaker 4: you know how they're like, oh, this one will put
Speaker 4: you to sleep, and this one will not do that.
Speaker 4: I'm like, incorrect, They'll all do that. They'll all put
Speaker 4: me to sleep.
Speaker 3: But it's nice.
Speaker 4: I'm like, I used to try to do weed, like
Speaker 4: in public with people, and like that doesn't do it.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 4: I'm like if I'm at home alone and sometimes I'll
Speaker 4: just or with my girlfriend and sometimes we'll watch something
Speaker 4: or just listen to music and I'll feel my body
Speaker 4: and I'm like, that feels good. My girlfriend will be like,
Speaker 4: you could probably just feel your body regular if you
Speaker 4: just didn't do something for a little while, and I'm like,
Speaker 4: we'll never know, but that's probably true. But every once
Speaker 4: in a while, well, like they'll be I'll be like,
Speaker 4: this is a really cool song and my girlfriend will
Speaker 4: be like, are you high because this is a commercial
Speaker 4: from the eighties and there's a lot of synthesizers, and
Speaker 4: I'm like, yes, I am high, and this song is beautiful,
Speaker 4: and I will stand by that.
Speaker 2: That's what I was gonna say is those songs like
Speaker 2: Chris's Auto Ze AutoZone Back.
Speaker 5: And the Ford Tourist theme. We've sung it many times
Speaker 5: on this podcast. There's a lot of those. It was
Speaker 5: like a hard charging. It was back when people got
Speaker 5: paid decent amounts of money to do their job, so
Speaker 5: that composer got to sit at home for say a
Speaker 5: month and come up with the theme song of a
Speaker 5: news show, so like they'd be like Action eight news
Speaker 5: Da Da Da Da da. And if there's an entire concept,
Speaker 5: it's not just like a little jingle to lead you in,
Speaker 5: because no one has the attention span anymore to watch
Speaker 5: an entire package at the beginning of a news show.
Speaker 5: But it used to be in the seventies and eighties
Speaker 5: when the news started.
Speaker 2: That was like this.
Speaker 5: It was like almost like a weird op T shirt
Speaker 5: come like animated, come to life, where it's like with
Speaker 5: this amazing rock song behind it, and it's like there
Speaker 5: was a good shit it got you through, you know,
Speaker 5: through the news or through your shitty sunny de commercial
Speaker 5: or whatever.
Speaker 3: Music is so good. Yeah, I have two quick things.
Speaker 4: Number One, In the past couple of years, I created
Speaker 4: a couple jingles and I love doing it. One for
Speaker 4: my dad, who like started a new little business. And
Speaker 4: then because of that one or actually I forget what
Speaker 4: the one I made for my dad is. I have
Speaker 4: it somewhere, but my dad's brother in law owns a
Speaker 4: car wash and my dad was like, do you want
Speaker 4: to make one for the car wash? And I'm like,
Speaker 4: I'd love to make one for the car wash. So
Speaker 4: I made one for the car wash. And so just
Speaker 4: for your listeners anyone out there, I've also do you
Speaker 4: guys know Zach Sherwin? Of course, Sureach, Zach and I
Speaker 4: dear friends who quick interlude about Zach and me.
Speaker 3: We love a lot of the same things. We are
Speaker 3: very good friends.
Speaker 4: And I was having a meal with Drew Michael once
Speaker 4: a wonderful comedian friend as well, and Drew was like, oh,
Speaker 4: I mentioned Zach and He's like, oh, yeah, you and
Speaker 4: Zach are like Mario and Luigi. And I was like,
Speaker 4: that's correct, that's you. You've seen us to our core.
Speaker 1: And plumbers Slash Brothers.
Speaker 4: That's us. Yeah, oh yeah, Zach and I both are.
Speaker 4: We got into plumbing recently. And yea, Zach and I
Speaker 4: actually have a project that hopefully will be coming out soon,
Speaker 4: of all of the podcast theme songs that he and
Speaker 4: I have written together. I've written my own for mine,
Speaker 4: and we've done at least a dozen for other people,
Speaker 4: some of which are still in operation these days, and
Speaker 4: some of them which we made one that we really
Speaker 4: loved for a show called does This Hold Up?
Speaker 3: And they we gave it.
Speaker 4: To them and they're using another one, and that's fine,
Speaker 4: but we're like, we think that ours there, we think
Speaker 4: ours is correct.
Speaker 3: But the point is we're available.
Speaker 1: And can I want to hear? Yeah, me too.
Speaker 4: I mean I can send it to you, but I legally,
Speaker 4: I yes, you legally keep sing it?
Speaker 3: Oh top I Truly it's long enough ago.
Speaker 4: Do you ever have you You must have songs that
Speaker 4: you've written that you don't remember how they go. I'm
Speaker 4: sorry if I had to make it again right now.
Speaker 4: Which this is kind of my impression of my previous girlfriend,
Speaker 4: who was younger than I by approximately a decade like
Speaker 4: I was. I'm forty four, and she is in her
Speaker 4: early thirties, and so we dated uh at for a time.
Speaker 4: And the joke I tell about her in this way is,
Speaker 4: you know how like so we have different references for things,
Speaker 4: like you.
Speaker 3: Know that song opposites attract. She didn't know that song.
Speaker 4: So so I would ask her, like, you know that
Speaker 4: song opposite attract, and she would start singing.
Speaker 3: Opposite it's a track.
Speaker 4: She'd just start making up a melody when she didn't
Speaker 4: know it, And so that's what I would have to
Speaker 4: do for Triangle.
Speaker 3: Car wash, they get three things done.
Speaker 1: You know that they might be Giants song. Yeah, that
Speaker 1: could be Giant Triangle man.
Speaker 3: Oh, you're one hundred percent right.
Speaker 4: And I'll tell you the two artists slash groups that
Speaker 4: were the most influential to me my favorites as a
Speaker 4: teenager were the syllable twins of they might be Giants
Speaker 4: and Annie DiFranco. Oh NONI yeah, wonder one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: It was a small window, but there was a brief
Speaker 1: period where everyone I knew was paying attention to Annie DiFranco.
Speaker 3: I still pay attention her music so beautiful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I gotta re dive, dip my toes back in.
Speaker 1: You gotta redive dip. Absolutely, I've did three things. That's
Speaker 1: that's what I want.
Speaker 4: That's not the only thing I love about you, Chris,
Speaker 4: but I feel like I really resonate with you. I
Speaker 4: feel a kin I think we've talked about this, the
Speaker 4: kindred spirit of sometimes you don't say something, or we
Speaker 4: sometimes we say something so quickly it might come out.
Speaker 4: The joke I have and the truth of my girlfriend
Speaker 4: and my's relationship, and the way that we are is
Speaker 4: like I she thinks before she speaks, and I speak
Speaker 4: before I think.
Speaker 1: But sometimes when you nail it, you want to recreate it,
Speaker 1: and so you lie and pretend you're doing it again.
Speaker 1: You and I are.
Speaker 3: Both do that. We do both one hundred percent.
Speaker 4: But also every once in a while it really happens
Speaker 4: a real beautiful mistake, that a crisis that turns into
Speaker 4: an opportunity. As those two, as I understand in Chinese,
Speaker 4: are the same word.
Speaker 1: Like the first, the very first dump cake, the very
Speaker 1: accident that.
Speaker 2: I have made.
Speaker 5: So many people watch the dump Cakes infomercial that it's
Speaker 5: one of the first things that comes up in my
Speaker 5: search bar on YouTube because it's my favorite. Like I'm
Speaker 5: always like, you don't know what dumb cakes are? And
Speaker 5: people are like, I don't know what you're talking about,
Speaker 5: And then I start doing an impression of the lady
Speaker 5: as if that's somehow gonna awaken some memory.
Speaker 2: They yeah, like jes so to cant a sprite, And
Speaker 2: the way everything is like it's her favorite fucking thing
Speaker 2: that she can put soda into cake mix and then
Speaker 2: make a dessert. It's just like, can you fucking believe
Speaker 2: this shit.
Speaker 5: I adore it so much in that it's a real
Speaker 5: like can you imagine that if that was your mom?
Speaker 2: Like every time you went into the kitchen.
Speaker 5: She's like, get in there, I made a doctor pepper
Speaker 5: cupcake and be like fuck, yes, I love you.
Speaker 4: Oh, I mean absolutely, we all believe we would feel
Speaker 4: that way, and if she were our mom, we'd be
Speaker 4: like mom again.
Speaker 1: Didn't it turn into the sale of dump cake specific
Speaker 1: rings that you pour whatever you want into them?
Speaker 3: Like, wasn't that like.
Speaker 1: Sell cake cake molds and yeah, molds. I think that
Speaker 1: was like, here's your dump cake kit that you can order.
Speaker 5: Yes, there probably was a thing you got and you
Speaker 5: could add shit on. But then she went into dump dinners,
Speaker 5: and I swear to god that infomercial where people they
Speaker 5: can't believe dump cakes to begin with, and then when
Speaker 5: she's like, and now.
Speaker 2: We have something else to offer, it's just like her.
Speaker 5: Dumping shit into a pan and acting like it's the best,
Speaker 5: most wonderful, And at one part of the infomercial she's
Speaker 5: talking about it like it's there's a kind of diet
Speaker 5: element where it's a healthy dinner, and it's like, ma'am,
Speaker 5: you just cracked open a can of like ministrant soup
Speaker 5: and something else like no and corn bread or whatever.
Speaker 2: It's like so crazy.
Speaker 1: I want to see a version of it, Like I
Speaker 1: always think of things where you can mash up editing
Speaker 1: everything she's pouring in there.
Speaker 3: It just goes to that scene and back to.
Speaker 1: The future where it's he has the fusion thing where
Speaker 1: he's just putting garbage into the He puts in there
Speaker 1: whatever you want cigarette months.
Speaker 4: If I may briefly, this is an idea that I
Speaker 4: have for a new soup called Maxy Strony.
Speaker 3: It's like Minuetrony but bigger.
Speaker 4: I'd like to do an infomercial and real quick before
Speaker 4: I forget.
Speaker 3: It's way too late now.
Speaker 4: But when you mentioned AutoZone, don't I wish I remembered
Speaker 4: what comedian from Boston. I don't know if he still
Speaker 4: does comedy, but year, like fifteen to twenty years ago,
Speaker 4: there was a comedian in Boston. If any Boston comedy
Speaker 4: comedian fan listeners, anyone knows this comedian, I'm just gonna
Speaker 4: I think his name was Anthony or Tony, and I
Speaker 4: don't remember his last name or even his first name.
Speaker 4: But if I had to guess it's Anthony or Tony,
Speaker 4: maybe both, maybe he.
Speaker 3: Goes by both.
Speaker 4: And he had a joke about the AutoZone commercial music,
Speaker 4: which just for if anyone needs a refresher.
Speaker 6: Auto zone, get in the zone if you want it,
Speaker 6: if you need it, just ask us and you'll get it.
Speaker 3: And then you wait, that's different than that's.
Speaker 1: Get in the song at ze.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I wonder so you don't know mine
Speaker 3: at all?
Speaker 1: No? Wow, Well yeah this is a maybe it's a classic.
Speaker 1: It's more involved, more lyrics.
Speaker 3: This is fantastic to learn that there that there is
Speaker 3: a difference.
Speaker 1: Wait, what's your O'Reilly auto parts?
Speaker 3: Oh my god?
Speaker 1: Can wis remember when I talked about I ran into
Speaker 1: the live performance at a corporate event of the of
Speaker 1: the actual people that recorded the first uh O'Reilly O'Reilly
Speaker 1: auto part?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: They someone said. I was at that event and they
Speaker 1: were total asshole divas.
Speaker 3: Like their rockstar.
Speaker 1: I didn't ask to follow up much because it was
Speaker 1: just in my messages, but the idea of them having
Speaker 1: like egos and throwing their weight around because they they
Speaker 1: had the most popular regional jingle.
Speaker 5: It was a good jingle, and I can see where
Speaker 5: you'd get a big head of that because you're just like.
Speaker 6: Oh oh oh, it's good stuff.
Speaker 3: It is powerful. I don't even know if I know it,
Speaker 3: but I love what you just did. Oh yeah, maybe
Speaker 3: that's but also you know what it's like. I don't
Speaker 3: know if.
Speaker 2: Oh wait, you have to finish Anthony or Charney's jokes.
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, I'm so sorry. I will, I will one.
Speaker 4: But I do want to say briefly, the fact that
Speaker 4: we now know that there are two different versions of
Speaker 4: the AutoZone theme song. It's like it's like if you
Speaker 4: grow up Jewish and you go to your synagogue and
Speaker 4: you sing the songs the way that you know them,
Speaker 4: and then if you go to another synagogue and it's
Speaker 4: like the same lyrics but slightly different or completely different,
Speaker 4: and you're like, wait, I thought, but it's so weird.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so.
Speaker 3: Another alternate reality.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yes, Andy, if I could put off Tony slashing
Speaker 1: Anthony's of course, there's a time that I met I
Speaker 1: made a new best friend, Ross Peterson in sixth grade,
Speaker 1: and then after a year, I bumped into him at
Speaker 1: a family reunion because he was also my cousin. Yeah yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: what yeah, But now we're you guys closer.
Speaker 3: Are you guys still cousins today?
Speaker 1: I mean not first cousins. I think are his uncle
Speaker 1: and my mom are cousins. Anyway, it's henny. I didn't
Speaker 1: want to get too deal, Okay, it is.
Speaker 2: I want to keep on putting off Anthony until the
Speaker 2: very end of the.
Speaker 1: Until it's too much expectations.
Speaker 4: Cliffhanger, until next time. Also, I do I do I
Speaker 4: have enough? You know now, I'm an only child. I'm
Speaker 4: an only grandchild, so I don't have any like first
Speaker 4: cousins that are removed in some degree, like I have
Speaker 4: second cousins and I have some first cousins once removed.
Speaker 4: I think I've I've figured it out every once in
Speaker 4: a while or people have told me, yeah, you've got them.
Speaker 4: But I do think like, now, you know, my dad
Speaker 4: remarried and there's like, you know, there's other family members
Speaker 4: extended wise, and I'm like, oh is that my step
Speaker 4: And I'm just like everybody's a cousin, just cousin, and
Speaker 4: I just say cousin, Yeah, just say cousin. It doesn't matter,
Speaker 4: especially because other cultures and other languages don't even have
Speaker 4: a one to one correspondence to our words, like their
Speaker 4: word for cousin might include our word for uncle. Like
Speaker 4: there might be like not a one to one matchup,
Speaker 4: so like, yeah, just let's just say cousin for everything.
Speaker 1: Sure, I think it is the most versatile of the
Speaker 1: Can I admit something real quick as we please? I
Speaker 1: don't know.
Speaker 2: I'll admit one thing before this week.
Speaker 1: I'm going to yeah, I had killed someone in October.
Speaker 1: Oh sorry, Oh, I thought we were doing it right now.
Speaker 1: I thought we were doing it now. I what I'm
Speaker 1: admitting is I don't know what once or twice removed
Speaker 1: means or or death.
Speaker 3: What's the removal? I know I always just nod twice removed. Oh. Interesting.
Speaker 4: Now I'm going to number one. It's very brave of you.
Speaker 4: Thank you for your vulnerability. Also, I am not one
Speaker 4: hundred percent on this, but this is what I think.
Speaker 3: I think.
Speaker 4: Okay, I'm going to start telling you number one. Like,
Speaker 4: if let's say my dad has a brother, my uncle,
Speaker 4: and if he had kids, that would be my first cousin.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 4: And if that kid had a kid, then that would
Speaker 4: either be my second cousin or I think that would
Speaker 4: be my second cousin. But I think, uh am, I
Speaker 4: my girlfriend is coming into report. I think it's that
Speaker 4: I love.
Speaker 2: I love outside input on this. I want. I want
Speaker 2: you to go get a neighbor. Yeah, have them tell.
Speaker 4: You some Here's here's what I think it is. I
Speaker 4: think from my actual life. My grandmother has a brother.
Speaker 4: He is my great uncle. His child is my mother's
Speaker 4: first cousin, and that's my second cousin because he's or
Speaker 4: that's my first cousin once removed. That's what I forget.
Speaker 4: I forget if he's my second. I think he's my
Speaker 4: second cousin and his kid is my first cousin once removed,
Speaker 4: same same level of generation his first cousin, but it's
Speaker 4: removed because it's through my mom being cousins with his dad.
Speaker 4: That's what I think the removal is. And I have
Speaker 4: no idea if I'm read right.
Speaker 1: And I'm no, I'm no closer to knowing. But I
Speaker 1: do appreciate. I think your did a no purpose. You
Speaker 1: made me feel better by making it more confusing than
Speaker 1: I even thought humanly possible.
Speaker 5: There is confusing, though, this is just some fucking like
Speaker 5: who would know this stuff besides an an ancestry dot
Speaker 5: Com level expert, right, because I thought it was. But
Speaker 5: I'm we're talking about two different things because the once
Speaker 5: removed part.
Speaker 2: I have no idea. I just know that my mom's
Speaker 2: cousin is my second cousin.
Speaker 4: Okay, if you know that that's true, I think you
Speaker 4: might be right. Oh and we're getting a chat yeh
Speaker 4: a chart in the chat A little chet chart, chat
Speaker 4: job chat Okay, full on cousin chat chart.
Speaker 3: Hilarious, beautiful. Yes, I've seen this before.
Speaker 4: Yes, let's all look at the cousin chart morning, right, Okay,
Speaker 4: while we're looking at the cousin chart, I will I
Speaker 4: think this is appropriate to let you know. Also, the
Speaker 4: thing that I'll admit is that for many years I
Speaker 4: did not know what the term cliffhanger meant. For this reason,
Speaker 4: you're familiar with a cliffhanger, example, on a TV show
Speaker 4: when it says to be continued, and you're like, ah,
Speaker 4: a cliffhanger, what happened to me?
Speaker 3: You get it? You get I was watching one.
Speaker 4: Time the the old Batman series from the sixties, an
Speaker 4: episode where at the end of it there was a
Speaker 4: to be continued, a cliffhanger that I didn't know that
Speaker 4: word at the time, and Robin was like, on you
Speaker 4: know those contraptions that exist in shop class and villains
Speaker 4: layers where it's like a rotating saw and.
Speaker 3: A conveyor belt.
Speaker 4: Conveyor belt heading towards rotating saw, perfect for building furniture
Speaker 4: or murdering superheroes. And Robin is on this conveyor belt
Speaker 4: heading towards the slow. If it takes the power too,
Speaker 4: will Batman rescue Robin? And I point at the screen
Speaker 4: because I want to know what the contract aption is called.
Speaker 4: I'm like, what is that thing that's in all of
Speaker 4: my cartoons? Like there must be a name for it.
Speaker 4: And I'll give you a brief interlude another a cliffhanger
Speaker 4: to the end of this cliffhanger story. Have you guys,
Speaker 4: have y'all heard of a gava guy? Do you know
Speaker 4: what a gava guy is?
Speaker 2: Never heard of?
Speaker 4: So a gava guy is a made up word, as
Speaker 4: all words are made up, but it was made up
Speaker 4: specifically for a linguistic experiment or like a thought experiment,
Speaker 4: to be like if you're learning a new language and
Speaker 4: somebody points at a rabbit like hopping across a field
Speaker 4: and says, that's a gava guy. In my language, that's
Speaker 4: a gava guy. It could mean that gavia guy means rabbit,
Speaker 4: it could mean and tall, a small mammal, maybe a
Speaker 4: puppy is a gava guy. Also maybe maybe any mammal,
Speaker 4: maybe any animal that's You don't know how narrow or
Speaker 4: how wide gava guy is until you have lots of
Speaker 4: other examples. And so what happened to me is when
Speaker 4: I pointed at the screen and asked my mom, what's
Speaker 4: that meaning? I wanted to to know what the contraption
Speaker 4: is called. Right as to be continued appeared on the screen,
Speaker 4: my mom said, that's a cliffhanger. So for years I
Speaker 4: thought that was called a cliffhanger.
Speaker 2: Wow, So every time you went to the lumber mill
Speaker 2: and you saw it actually being used in real Yeah,
Speaker 2: like another great, well maintained cliffhanger.
Speaker 1: Yeah, putting some raw oak through the old cliffhanger.
Speaker 6: Huh.
Speaker 1: Boys, they're like, what the hell's that kid talking about?
Speaker 1: Why is there a kid here on the wood the
Speaker 1: woodlaw and.
Speaker 3: The wood floor they called the wood floor.
Speaker 5: Yeah, here's what here's going to be my confession. I
Speaker 5: love so much that on Le's put this chart up
Speaker 5: for us. I can't read charts.
Speaker 3: My back started so long, and I.
Speaker 2: Was like, I have more questions than I did before
Speaker 2: we started that part of conversation.
Speaker 1: It's a pyramid shape. There's colors. Also, it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is like arows too much. It's like a game
Speaker 1: of high stakes.
Speaker 2: Oh no, I can't do it looks kind of like
Speaker 2: a board game. But he's here.
Speaker 5: Will be my other confession, because this has been making
Speaker 5: me laugh. I this office that I'm in is also
Speaker 5: there's a closet here that I put dresses in because
Speaker 5: the guys who I bought this house from, their closets
Speaker 5: are for boys, not girls, so all of their stuff
Speaker 5: is hung shirt level, not dressed.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, So if I put a dress.
Speaker 5: In my bedroom closet, half of it is on the ground.
Speaker 5: So I have to hang them in here. And so
Speaker 5: I am going on a trip. So I went in
Speaker 5: to find all of the kind of oh these are
Speaker 5: this would be good dresses to have on this trip.
Speaker 2: And I hung them on the little hooks that shut
Speaker 2: the closet, and I hung like five on each side.
Speaker 5: Just so I could see what I had, see what
Speaker 5: I'm working with. Whatever do I have enough? I left
Speaker 5: the closet door open. About five different times. I have
Speaker 5: scared the living shit out of myself because it looks
Speaker 5: like a real tall in wearing black is in this
Speaker 5: room hiding behind them.
Speaker 2: I don't know slender Man and yes.
Speaker 5: And the first time it happened, I was like, oh
Speaker 5: my god, like that where it's like how would they
Speaker 5: have gotten in?
Speaker 2: Like the dogs would have barked, There's a million things.
Speaker 5: But but then I didn't shut the door to get
Speaker 5: it out of the door jam. So it just keeps happening,
Speaker 5: and it's like a bad movie where I'd come around
Speaker 5: the corner like oh there, And I've done it over
Speaker 5: the past week. I think I've done it to myself
Speaker 5: five times.
Speaker 1: That's exactly what I did when I did that haunted
Speaker 1: mansion in Davenport. I thought that I was protecting myself
Speaker 1: by putting my belongings in the corners large.
Speaker 3: That was a real fun place.
Speaker 1: You've done that, Okay, so you've maybe been in this
Speaker 1: corner room where you look upon the very very scary
Speaker 1: ex asylum and very cuckoo's nasty place. But I put
Speaker 1: a sweater on one hanger and my bag kind of
Speaker 1: in a chair over here, and then when I went
Speaker 1: to sleep, I'm like, that's a person. No, that's my smack,
Speaker 1: that's a little guy. Oh, that's my bag.
Speaker 3: That's what ghosts.
Speaker 4: You got, haunted by the ghost of your past self
Speaker 4: setting up that thing that you it's always the thing
Speaker 4: that you think is going to protect you, that you know,
Speaker 4: like you trap yourself in a like a suit of
Speaker 4: armor or imprison yourself in a wall. Yeah, so just
Speaker 4: don't don't even don't try to preemptively strike.
Speaker 1: It's just a translucent dotted line outline billy version of
Speaker 1: me from family circus that is actually a ghost child
Speaker 1: of I think. I don't know, I got some weird
Speaker 1: family circuses.
Speaker 3: Not me, Yeah, not me.
Speaker 4: Also, I we don't have to spend too much time
Speaker 4: on this, but I I have had an enlightening experience
Speaker 4: with the cousin chart because be cousin. Did you think, Yes,
Speaker 4: here's here's the thing, here's the thing that.
Speaker 1: It is the cousin.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna I'm gonna record it in my digital recorder
Speaker 4: that I used to record jokes.
Speaker 3: Be cousin. That is my new word.
Speaker 1: I know, I know you well enough to know that
Speaker 1: will soon be three or four minute bit has.
Speaker 4: So here's the thing that's cousin fusing about first cousin.
Speaker 3: I'm fair enough.
Speaker 4: Splits. It's actually appropriate because on this chart. Here's the
Speaker 4: here's why it's confusing, is there are two ways to
Speaker 4: make a first cousin once removed. One way is the
Speaker 4: child of your first cousin is your first cousin once removed.
Speaker 4: The other way is the parent of your second cousin
Speaker 4: is a first cousin once removed as well. So I
Speaker 4: always thought I didn't have first cousins. My cousin Jonathan,
Speaker 4: who is like my age and is you know, we
Speaker 4: we share our grandparents are siblings, so we are second cousins.
Speaker 4: But his father is apparently my first cousin once removed.
Speaker 4: And that's all I just that's what I have to remember,
Speaker 4: is weirdly, my mom's first cousins are my first cousins
Speaker 4: once removed. And the end, I know it. I know
Speaker 4: it now and I'll never remember it again. But I'll
Speaker 4: listen to this podcast and keep this. I'm gonna keep
Speaker 4: this chart. I'm gonna send this chart to myself once
Speaker 4: at least a month, maybe once a year. Once I
Speaker 4: have it, I'm gonna this is this is important thing.
Speaker 4: And I've seen the chart before. I've seen it before,
Speaker 4: but I'm like, I got it now. I just have
Speaker 4: to remember that I never have it, and I just
Speaker 4: have to look at the chart.
Speaker 3: You will, I will.
Speaker 2: It'll unlearnable.
Speaker 3: It's impossible. Anyone who thinks they know it, they don't
Speaker 3: know it. They are lying.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to continue ignoring it and know that.
Speaker 1: I'll mean says I can only have sex with people
Speaker 1: from out of town.
Speaker 3: That's how I play it safe. You don't have on
Speaker 3: the chart.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, do you know I think it might be Iceland.
Speaker 4: I think it's might be Iceland. I said it Ice,
Speaker 4: the land of Ice. Yeah, of course, b Yorkland, New
Speaker 4: b York City, capital of Iceland. I believe it's there
Speaker 4: or somewhere equally small. And because it's tight knit, I
Speaker 4: think that they have like an app that like like
Speaker 4: their dating apps, have an additional thing of like making
Speaker 4: checking ancestry to make sure because much it's much more
Speaker 4: frequent that you'll run into somebody who you're related to.
Speaker 1: And that's being careful. And now I feel bad for
Speaker 1: making light or fun of that situation, because that's kind
Speaker 1: of sweet, but they care.
Speaker 5: But I feel like Icelandic people have great senses of humor.
Speaker 5: They're very hardy people. They don't give a shit. They're
Speaker 5: not dipse. Yeah that's not how they are.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, they're more laid back then we give them credit.
Speaker 1: Someone just watched the Equal Pay. I just have to
Speaker 1: my My dad's familiar with Mike Kaplan and he already
Speaker 1: loves Karen. I just want my dad, who just walked
Speaker 1: in he washed his car, to say hello, Hello, Jim Fairbanks,
Speaker 1: come to the mic and just say hello and then hello, yeah,
Speaker 1: talking to the talking stick.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I was five minutes away. It took me forty
Speaker 3: minutes to get here.
Speaker 1: I know, I knew you got lost. I sent him
Speaker 1: on a journey to go get his car washed.
Speaker 3: Well, I'm just going to go around the lake.
Speaker 1: Take a look at that pretty lake with the paddle
Speaker 1: boats and yeah, yeah, they're all excited. I said, Well,
Speaker 1: maybe I won't get.
Speaker 3: Out because I'm just going to run right back.
Speaker 1: Yeah that was forty five minutes.
Speaker 3: Okay, we'll get on the paddle boats. We're gonna do
Speaker 3: that together.
Speaker 1: Okay, wait in my bedroom.
Speaker 3: Father, I don't ever we said high.
Speaker 2: Yeah, tell him we're saying high I know, because you
Speaker 2: can't hear.
Speaker 1: Yes, of course, and that's something I didn't realize, as
Speaker 1: he wouldn't have. He's waiting for a response, and I'm
Speaker 1: wearing the only cans in the house.
Speaker 2: Uh cans.
Speaker 3: Oh Lord, thank your father, my dad.
Speaker 4: When you go on those boats, Uh, do you think
Speaker 4: you'll call them daddle boats?
Speaker 3: You know, only because of that's who I'm with.
Speaker 1: I gotta Yeah, it's uh, it's it's a lake that's
Speaker 1: been renovated that they they took a dozen bodies out
Speaker 1: of it from over the years, and now it's it's yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there was a lot of uh, disposing of bodies in
Speaker 1: Echo Park Lake.
Speaker 3: Some renovation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's all they did. And uh, you know that's
Speaker 1: the only planted. Some plants added, some turtles, got rid
Speaker 1: of some human cadavers.
Speaker 3: Different here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just the overall vibe.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, there used to be legs in those lily pads.
Speaker 3: That's a that's a guy.
Speaker 2: That's like a New York mafia guy.
Speaker 3: That's good some body. Oh no, we don't use this
Speaker 3: lake anymore. Oh where do we go now? Yeah? The
Speaker 3: tar pits, Yes, of.
Speaker 1: Course, Yes, of course, of course, which also I was
Speaker 1: going to bring my dad to. I've never been to
Speaker 1: the tar Pits. There's so many things in Los Angeles
Speaker 1: I've ignored for twenty years.
Speaker 5: I actually know a lot because my dad does like
Speaker 5: to visit me a lot. I know a lot of
Speaker 5: good dad places because he's very picky and he only
Speaker 5: wants to do like he's very preference based. Can I
Speaker 5: get it's Peterson Auto Museums if he likes cars.
Speaker 1: Of course, which is right near the course it is, Yeah,
Speaker 1: there used to be a car actually hanging outside.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 5: And then that's right where Moca is. I think right
Speaker 5: down right there on Wilshire. You're kind of like there's
Speaker 5: a nice spot. And then I think there's a Marie
Speaker 5: Calendars if it hasn't closed.
Speaker 1: And he could get what every dad wants, some French
Speaker 1: onion soup with cheese on top, is.
Speaker 2: A bit of pie.
Speaker 1: What is Mocha? That's our museum? That's the one. Yeah,
Speaker 1: with all those street lights in front of people, use
Speaker 1: it's a photo op.
Speaker 3: Okay, it might be Lacma.
Speaker 2: Sorry, it might be lack I know it's Lackma.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to condescend and correct haa coming up soon.
Speaker 3: The Anthony Tony joke, I don't know why I did.
Speaker 4: If I may briefly digress us slightly further, You Karen
Speaker 4: and I both mentioned the libre at tarpets, and I
Speaker 4: don't know if y'all have listened to music and we've
Speaker 4: spoken of music, everything makes sense, everything's connected. It's free association,
Speaker 4: still continuing.
Speaker 3: These associations are free.
Speaker 1: Time has made up my man, it does not exist.
Speaker 4: So Zach sherwhin the aforementioned Luigi to my Mario. He
Speaker 4: has a song called Good Heavens, and I was like,
Speaker 4: I think he mentions the libret tarpets in it. So
Speaker 4: if I may just offer, if people are not familiar
Speaker 4: with Zach's music and the crossword show, please become familiar.
Speaker 4: But on the song good Heavens, which is track one
Speaker 4: on the album Brutus, he he says, and I'm just
Speaker 4: doing a reading, not like, not at all a an
Speaker 4: up to snuff performance rendition. But he says, I spit
Speaker 4: my first bars a bit before my bar mitzvah. Now
Speaker 4: I'm artistically marvelous. From the labre a tar pits to mar.
Speaker 3: Vista, Oh so good. That's sweet. Yeah, it's nice.
Speaker 1: Yes, it is a selection of consonants.
Speaker 2: He's so good. He's the one he does. Is it
Speaker 2: about flags?
Speaker 3: Oh, flag roast? Is that one?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 2: Asking God damn it. I saw that so long ago.
Speaker 5: It was like so long ago that he performed it
Speaker 5: on a show I was working on, and I was
Speaker 5: just like, what is fucking going on? I love that feeling.
Speaker 5: I've gotten it A bunch of times as I've done
Speaker 5: comedy over the years, were like in the beginning when
Speaker 5: I started stand up comedy, it was like, I know
Speaker 5: all comedy and I've decided this is what it's like,
Speaker 5: and I'm going to try to get to the top
Speaker 5: of what I think it's going to be. Like yeah,
Speaker 5: and then say ten years in, you're like, oh no,
Speaker 5: now there's the new class and they're doing everything better,
Speaker 5: and everything is like a little bit kind of refined
Speaker 5: and toned up, and more things are being considered because
Speaker 5: everybody gets to improve off of.
Speaker 2: The last class.
Speaker 5: I like to call class like it's high school, but
Speaker 5: I do it by decade, and I felt like by
Speaker 5: the time I was watching people like Zac Sherwin or
Speaker 5: the first time I saw Jared Logan do a set
Speaker 5: and work the crowd like that kind of thing where
Speaker 5: I'm just like, oh, this is fucking next level in
Speaker 5: a way that I didn't like. I dropped, I was
Speaker 5: kicked out of college. I couldn't do this if I
Speaker 5: wanted to. I had no idea what any of those
Speaker 5: flags were. Like that idea of watching people and being like, oh,
Speaker 5: I love when the game gets fucking leveled up. It
Speaker 5: was kind of overways.
Speaker 1: It's so awesome because I always have tried to play
Speaker 1: to that back of the room and it's been a priority.
Speaker 1: Be it a good or idea to make the comics laugh.
Speaker 1: But if instead of laughing I heard the comics go
Speaker 1: what the fuck?
Speaker 3: That would feel so good.
Speaker 1: If they're like kind of kind of upset that the
Speaker 1: it's a new thing, that would feel so good.
Speaker 3: Chris, What you could do?
Speaker 4: You don't have to do this, but all you could
Speaker 4: do if you want to really entertain the back of
Speaker 4: the room, just you go to the back of the
Speaker 4: room and then tell the audience that now the front
Speaker 4: of the room is the back of the room.
Speaker 3: Exactly?
Speaker 4: Can I tell you one more? Zach Sherwin fun musical fact.
Speaker 4: There is a song that he wrote that I think
Speaker 4: I know in full more than he does. Like we've
Speaker 4: talked about, there's some songs that I've written that I've forgotten.
Speaker 4: This is not in his regular rotation, like he might
Speaker 4: have recorded it but not released it.
Speaker 1: I know, Yes, I know some Henry Phillips songs better
Speaker 1: than Henry Phillips.
Speaker 2: Yes. Yeah.
Speaker 4: And this song, I'll just tell you the concept of
Speaker 4: the song and a couple of the lyrics. It was
Speaker 4: when Eminem came out with a new album and Zach
Speaker 4: and we listened to it. I remember having a conversation
Speaker 4: and Zach just came up with this this description of
Speaker 4: what Eminem was doing, which is like he's rhyming. He's
Speaker 4: so good at rhyming. He's not only rhyming things that
Speaker 4: do rhyme, he's rhyming things that don't rhyme. For example,
Speaker 4: there's like a he rhymes in one song, I'll lose
Speaker 4: my shit with toolboxes and screw drivers, and like screwdrivers
Speaker 4: and toolboxes and lose my shit.
Speaker 3: None of them rhymes, but he makes them rhyme.
Speaker 1: Yea.
Speaker 4: And then Zach introduces the concept of he learned about
Speaker 4: a thing called a Twinkie burger, which apparently some company
Speaker 4: found this thing where they like flash fry and like
Speaker 4: smashed down Twinkies as the bun, and then there's a
Speaker 4: burger and cheese and bacon.
Speaker 3: We're both upset by this and it seems.
Speaker 4: Like yeah, and so it seems like it shouldn't work,
Speaker 4: and so Zach is like, what Eminem is doing is
Speaker 4: like creating these lyrical twinkieburgers, and then he the song
Speaker 4: everything rhymes with the word twinkieburger, and it's it. I'll
Speaker 4: just if I may the first couple lyrics, he says,
Speaker 4: let me kick a rhyme like a twin key burger.
Speaker 4: By the time I'm done, you're gonna think.
Speaker 3: Keys burger lyric lee.
Speaker 4: It's like sponge cake buns, applewood, bacon, beef, Patty's in
Speaker 4: cheese were merged. I'm cooking this up, but I'm out
Speaker 4: of my tree, opposite of how the freakin' keeblers work.
Speaker 3: And it just keeps going.
Speaker 4: It's it's like, it's one of my favorite things in
Speaker 4: like one of my favorite songs by one of my
Speaker 4: favorite people, and it's just like one of my favorite
Speaker 4: artistic experiences. Like it's like because yeah, like you were saying, Karen, Like,
Speaker 4: when you start, you see what other people have done,
Speaker 4: and you're like, oh, can I do my version of
Speaker 4: what they're doing, or maybe even my own? Can I
Speaker 4: invent my own genre? Can I be my own flavor?
Speaker 4: Am I creating a brand new instrument and a whole
Speaker 4: new sound? And then when you hear other people doing
Speaker 4: and you're like, but how did Yeah, I didn't even know.
Speaker 3: Did you know we could do that?
Speaker 4: I mean, we can't excuse me, teacher, this is this
Speaker 4: was not the assignment. They're doing better than.
Speaker 5: Us, They're doing so much better. But also I just
Speaker 5: recently saw TikTok about how like kind of hyper pattern
Speaker 5: recognition is a coping mechanism of children who are like
Speaker 5: in certain situations whatever. It's not always like bad, but
Speaker 5: it's just a thing that kids develop when maybe their
Speaker 5: needs aren't met in specific ways. So becoming highly attuned
Speaker 5: to patterns is how you get them met, or is
Speaker 5: how you figure it out. And I saw that TikTok
Speaker 5: like four days ago, and all I can think about was.
Speaker 2: Like, that's all of comedy.
Speaker 5: That's all of comedy because it's this kind of like
Speaker 5: whether the pattern is a sarcasm or the pattern is metaphor,
Speaker 5: or the pattern is do you like rap? I'm going
Speaker 5: to comedy rap. You're going to recognize what I'm doing,
Speaker 5: and I'm going to make you laugh.
Speaker 2: I'm going to combine it like I'm going to blow
Speaker 2: your mind.
Speaker 5: All of that is just more and more heightened pattern
Speaker 5: recognition and like the appreciation of it. It's just I
Speaker 5: don't know, I love it and I love it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I mean even more broadly than comedy. I mean,
Speaker 4: of course, it is exactly what's happening in comedy and
Speaker 4: music and art and also in just humanity.
Speaker 3: We are all, you know, meaning.
Speaker 4: Seekers like pattern like we need. If you don't recognize patterns,
Speaker 4: then you may die from the thing that killed your
Speaker 4: friend that you didn't you're like, oh, that thing poisoned him.
Speaker 3: But it's probably fine for me, yeah, mutually for me.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I will eat this tiger, you know, Oh no,
Speaker 4: the tiger will eat Okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I see a pattern forming.
Speaker 2: Yeah, fascinating, fascinating.
Speaker 1: I didn't know you were. And it, of course almost
Speaker 1: comedically makes sense that you have a master's in linguistics,
Speaker 1: and there's something that a linguist linguistics person told me
Speaker 1: once that I've always repeated, and I don't even know
Speaker 1: if there's any truth to it. But I'm from the
Speaker 1: you know, kind of Pacific. I'm from Montana, so it's
Speaker 1: not even Pacific Northwest, but I would say I'm close.
Speaker 1: I'm next to that panhandle of Idaho. He told me
Speaker 1: that that part of the country is the only part
Speaker 1: of the US where there is no accent. Is that
Speaker 1: something that person made up? Or can you give that
Speaker 1: any validity?
Speaker 5: And the be part of that question is what's the
Speaker 5: Craig and Auto Parts theme song in that.
Speaker 2: Part of the country?
Speaker 1: Yes, all leaning up to Tony's joke coming up?
Speaker 4: Of course I will here, I'll say a few different
Speaker 4: things that will dance around the answer to your question.
Speaker 3: I'll give you the answer to your question is he
Speaker 3: hasn't done it.
Speaker 1: It gets me excited when that happens. That I appreciate it.
Speaker 4: So newscasters are like famously historically have trained themselves to
Speaker 4: speak with as it's weird to say, like without an accent,
Speaker 4: or with as little you know, discernible accent. But here's
Speaker 4: the thing is, of course, like to a British person,
Speaker 4: everyone in the United States has an accent. They speak English.
Speaker 4: We speak English. It's it's a matter of relativity, like
Speaker 4: in the United States, Like I mean, I would say
Speaker 4: the simplest thing, the simplest answer is there is no
Speaker 4: one who does not have an accent, because it's like
Speaker 4: it's like pointing to one person and saying, is that
Speaker 4: person taller? Or is there someone who isn't taller? And
Speaker 4: you're like compared to what, but for whom? Like But
Speaker 4: then there is this weird thing of the newscaster, like
Speaker 4: who is striving to be as universally accessible so that
Speaker 4: everyone who might be listening could listen and think like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 4: that's not I don't hear anything super anomalists to my voice.
Speaker 4: Like you know, clearly most people don't speak like a newscaster.
Speaker 4: But it's like those things you ever see like in
Speaker 4: a in a I don't know, a highlights magazine or something,
Speaker 4: or like a games magazine where it's like nine faces
Speaker 4: and they're like they all have some of the same
Speaker 4: features and some different features, right, and be like which
Speaker 4: face has the most features in common with all of
Speaker 4: the other ones, and like that one is like newscaster voice.
Speaker 4: And so maybe there is some part of the country
Speaker 4: that does have that version of like fewest anomalies compared
Speaker 4: to all other parts that do exist. But it's it's
Speaker 4: absolutely it can't be like a in stone absolute because
Speaker 4: language is always shifting.
Speaker 1: And any as someone from Louisiana, I'm going to have
Speaker 1: as as strong of an accent as they do to me.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, you're you know you definitely depends on you.
Speaker 3: You have an accent you sure, yeah.
Speaker 1: That's people. But the confusing thing is I've been asked
Speaker 1: if I'm from Canada, but I've also been asked if
Speaker 1: I'm from Philadelphia specifically, so I don't. It's like, well,
Speaker 1: where's the logic in that I don't.
Speaker 4: Yeah, everyone out there just ask him where are you from?
Speaker 3: If you want, you know, don't have rather than yes,
Speaker 3: you don't have to guess.
Speaker 5: You don't have to pin people down conversationally.
Speaker 3: It's weird.
Speaker 1: I know, I know it's weird.
Speaker 3: It's just interesting to me.
Speaker 4: I guess this is geographic linguistic astrology.
Speaker 3: You don't have to do it. Yeah, yeah, you're.
Speaker 1: It's it's teetering on the edge of an unhealthy thing
Speaker 1: to even care about. I think, Yeah, so I've decided
Speaker 1: I don't care anymore.
Speaker 5: And with that, I think that you need to re
Speaker 5: sing the East Coast Craig and Auto Parts theme and
Speaker 5: tell us and yes, oh if you have anything to
Speaker 5: plug before you do this, and this can be the
Speaker 5: final button.
Speaker 3: If we do it that way, I'd love to do it.
Speaker 4: And so yes, in conclusion, the AutoZone theme and joke
Speaker 4: by Anthony slash Tony someone Anthony and before that, yes,
Speaker 4: Mike Caplan is my name, and it's spelled weird compared
Speaker 4: to many people who spell their names differently. Maybe you're
Speaker 4: all weird. Maybe everyone's weird except for me. So Mike Kaplan,
Speaker 4: m y q ka p l A N. That is
Speaker 4: all of my social media. It's my website. You can
Speaker 4: message me on those things. I have a substack newsletter
Speaker 4: that I send out once a week for free and
Speaker 4: more even if you subscribe, and that's Mike Kaplan dot
Speaker 4: substack dot com.
Speaker 3: My podcasts are called Broccoli.
Speaker 4: And ice Cream and the Faucet, and I would love
Speaker 4: to have each of you on as guests. And I
Speaker 4: love talking to people that I love and I love
Speaker 4: you and I am oh I'm also a stand up comedian.
Speaker 4: I don't know if I mentioned that very so I
Speaker 4: will be in My tour dates are usually on my website.
Speaker 4: I will be going to the Edinburgh Fringe Fest in
Speaker 4: August of twenty twenty three, so if you are there
Speaker 4: or want to be there, my show that I'm doing
Speaker 4: there is called Imperfect. If you are not there and
Speaker 4: you still want to see my comedy and you're not
Speaker 4: where I am.
Speaker 3: I have many albums. The two newest ones are.
Speaker 4: Called AKA, which is short for All Killing Aside because
Speaker 4: the topic the theme is love, compassion and not murdering.
Speaker 3: Big fan of not murdering. And the other album.
Speaker 4: That I recorded previously but only widely released this year
Speaker 4: is called Live in Between Albums because I recorded it
Speaker 4: in between two themed hours that but I had a
Speaker 4: lot of jokes that didn't fit with the hours and
Speaker 4: I was like, great, I'd like.
Speaker 3: To record these also.
Speaker 4: So Live in Between Albums has a wonderful new Ramene Naser.
Speaker 3: Artwork cover Yeah that and yeah so those I think
Speaker 3: those are the things I'm really excited about.
Speaker 4: The new show that I'm touring with that I will
Speaker 4: be bringing to Edinburgh and hopefully recording soon. Imperfect is
Speaker 4: about another theme show about my girlfriend our relationship. She
Speaker 4: is a co creator and contributor, not only to this podcast.
Speaker 4: Thank you again, Rene for your help, your helping, intending
Speaker 4: help to all a bunch of people who understand less
Speaker 4: the way that cousins work. Yes, but Reenie and I
Speaker 4: the show is all about our relationship, which is now
Speaker 4: we've now been living together six years and almost together
Speaker 4: seven years and she is a partner in So I
Speaker 4: guess I'm plugging my love for my girlfriend. Everyone check
Speaker 4: out my love for my girlfriend with my new show.
Speaker 4: And yeah, I think that I think those are those
Speaker 4: are the plugs.
Speaker 3: And now, with only.
Speaker 4: A little more further ado Anthony's I'll start it over
Speaker 4: just to give you to let you know. This is
Speaker 4: this the way that the song goes on the East Coast,
Speaker 4: and he sings it. He's like AutoZone, get in the zone.
Speaker 6: If you want it, if you need it, just ask
Speaker 6: us and we'll get it.
Speaker 4: And then he says, yeah, that's how most businesses work.
Speaker 4: If you ask them for something, then they'll get it
Speaker 4: for you. And then he imagines, I forget the exact phrasing,
Speaker 4: but he then sets up like this could be their
Speaker 4: theme song. If you want it, if you need it,
Speaker 4: just ask us, but I'm on my break now, so
Speaker 4: talk to another guy. Or then he'll be like, actually,
Speaker 4: we don't have that in stock right now, call the
Speaker 4: other store. Maybe I'm gonna be I'll be back for
Speaker 4: my smoking break in fifteen minutes. I'll try to help you,
Speaker 4: but maybe just look around a little further. Maybe we've
Speaker 4: got some in the back or a little high up
Speaker 4: on a different shell. He just keeps going as long
Speaker 4: as he wants to, and it's AutoZone.
Speaker 3: Get it in the zone.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love it is the best. That's our new
Speaker 1: theme song.
Speaker 2: Thank you for really that was the perfect button.
Speaker 1: That's so great.
Speaker 2: That was executed perfectly.
Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 4: It is a pleasure to see your faces and hear
Speaker 4: your voices, and uh, I thank you and love you.
Speaker 1: I love you as well you've been I love you, Mike. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Karen loves you too. Mike included thank you, Thank you
Speaker 1: the listening to do you need to write?
Speaker 3: D Y n A R.
Speaker 1: This has been an exactly right production.
Speaker 5: Produced by Analise Nelson, mixed by Edson Choy. Our talent
Speaker 5: booker is Patrick Cootner.
Speaker 1: Theme song by Karen Kilgarret.
Speaker 2: Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.
Speaker 5: Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar
Speaker 5: podcast That's d y n ar Podcast.
Speaker 1: For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.
Speaker 2: Thank you, oh Welcome,